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Merriam-Webster defines friendship as...

I'm just, I'm just kidding.

Ahem.

Uh, uh, but yeah.

Friendship is complicated.

That's, that's how this whole thing kind

of started, I guess.

Uh, I read an article about a month ago that said, uh,

loneliness is worse for your health

than smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

And I, I wouldn't say I feel lonely,

but I am alone most of the time.

So I guess that puts me at high risk

for whatever kind of cancer loneliness causes.

Brain, maybe? I don't, I don't know.

To be honest, I didn't read the whole article.

Friendship is supposed to happen naturally.

Like when you're out in the world,

doing the things you like to do,

your people will be there too.

And then you just organically,

um, bond.

I, I figured my future friends would be less interested

in talking to other people and more interested

in not talking next to other people.

So, seemed like birders were a good start.

That was the day I discovered I am heavy-footed.

Uh, so then I started to look up

what kinds of activities heavy-footed people

who don't want to talk to other people would do.

Um.

That felt, uh, a little too intense for me.

And, and too teenaged, um.

Not that it's like illegal for me

to be friends with a teenager.

It just might look odd.

I also thought maybe talking was a key component.

So I tried to become a regular at the bar down the street.

People made friends at bars. (chuckles) Right?

And I was really hitting it off with the bartender,

except then I realized it's her job

to pretend to hit it off with everyone.

At least it meant I didn't have to pretend

to like my drink anymore.

So...

But I actually relate to her

because my job is as a friendly,

easygoing customer service representative for Spectrum.

When people's internet goes out,

I am on the other end of the line trying

to help them troubleshoot,

which is mostly just listening to them yell.

One time, uh, a guy accused me

of being the reason he lost custody of his kids.

And I was genuinely curious as to how, so I asked him how.

And then he hung up on me.

When I was getting really desperate,

I even tried asking one of the customers

who wasn't accusing me of ruining his life

if he might wanna hang out sometime.

Ha, that is very funny.

We, we seem to have a similar sense of humor.

So listen...

I don't, I don't actually remember what I said.

It doesn't have to be word for word.

Do we really like need the reenactment?

Uh, this can be the last one.

Okay. Ahem.

Ha, that's very funny!

No, I'm not a robot. I'm a real person.

Talking to a robot would probably be a lot more pleasant,

am I right?

Wow, thank you. Not every customer is so complimentary.

So listen, uh, I was wondering

if maybe you would want to hang out with me sometime?

Outside the context of your internet going out.

I- in a friendly way, I'm not,

I'm not, uh, coming on to you,

especially since my records indicate

that you are a married man.

I guess you could be separated,

but since your wife is still listed

as a user at your residence...

And then there was, uh, a beep-beep when he hung up on me.

Oh, we can add that in post.

Right.

So I decided to make a Reddit post

as a final attempt at friendship,

ahem, r/MakeNewFriends.

And then the post is, uh,

"26F, seeking otherwise platonically unattached individuals

for long-term friendship.

Possibility for best friend title

after proper trial period.

Candidates will undergo rigorous screening process,

but the reward will be mutual companionship

with a very stable, clean individual.

"Snacks and water will be provided."

I hope they know I didn't mean for the whole friendship.

Like just, I just meant for the interview.

"Interested applicants should arrive at 10:00 AM sharp,

prepared for a full day of interviews.

No outside food or drink, please."

Okay, it's time.

Oh.

Hi, I'm June.

You must be Gertie. I assume you're Gertie, right?

I am.

I like your name.

I- it suits you, in a good way.

It's so specific, also in a good way!

Tammy.

Hi, Tammy.

Oh, uh, hello, sir? Are you here for the interview?

You can just- - Oh, no, no, no.

That's my dad.

He's just here to make sure I get in okay

and to make sure this isn't some kind

of human trafficking scheme.

It isn't, is it?

No, this is not a human trafficking scheme.

It's not a human trafficking scheme!

Oh, I didn't sign up for a reality TV show,

e- especially not one this sad.

No, this, uh, this isn't a reality TV show.

It's a, a documentary.

That's worse.

No, 'cause, see, Frank, the director,

he saw my post and asked if he could come and you know,

document the process. - Oh, fun!

Still sounding sad.

- No- - But I'll allow it.

All press is good press.

Amazing.

Uh, and, and, uh, how about you?

Do you consent to being filmed?

I mean, it's already happening, so...

Sure, yes, yes.

Oh, uh.

Would you guys mind taking off your shoes?

This is just a shoes-off household.

I know, uh, where my shoes have been,

but yours could have been anywhere.

Anywhere.

Oh, uh, these are from my mom.

For good luck.

It was supposed to be a private thing.

I didn't expect that we were going to de-shoe.

I like them.

They're specific.

I-in a good way?

All right, uh, if you wanna follow me,

I'll show you around.

Wow, it's so...

Wow!

That's one word for it.

Please, help yourselves.

I, I have more in the fridge,

so don't feel like you're taking too much.

I got it specifically for the candidates, so...

Oh, I, I would, but I am so,

so full from my massive breakfast.

Dad made pancakes and waffles

because my mom wanted pancakes but I wanted waffles,

and then I just ate both.

Okay.

Ahem. Uh, well...

I'll, I'll be conducting the interviews in here.

Exciting.

We'll do the interview separately,

so one of your answers can't influence the others.

Sorry, go on.

Um.

We'll start with basic get-to-know-you questions,

you know, just to gauge who you are

and your experience with friendship.

Ha.

And then we'll move on to more specific scenarios.

Things that will help me determine how you'll act in,

in difficult or complicated situations.

And then I will evaluate both of the candidates

and decide who will move on

to the trial period of friendship.

Trial period?

Just as a precaution.

Uh, six months tops to,

after which, we can either make it permanent

or we can part ways if it doesn't work out.

Does that all make sense?

- Definitely! - Sure, whatever.

All right, um.

Who wants to go first?

Well, to start,

why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself

and why you're interested in the position of friend.

Sure, um.

Oh, if you could refrain

from doing that actually.

O-oh, right.

Ahem.

Ahem.

What?

Are, are you ready to start?

Yeah, obviously.

Then answer the question.

Fine. I'm Tammy.

I'm June.

You already know that,

but that feels like an okay place to start.

I, I was named after the month, which is my birth month.

A- and they thought I was going to be a boy,

but surprise, girl.

And my parents didn't have any girl names ready,

but then June was right there.

Wow.

I'm very close with my parents still, obviously.

I mean, you saw my dad.

It's kind of crazy how cool he is, right?

Anyway, it's just me, no siblings or anything,

which is great because like more for moi, right?

My parents are great. They're my best friends.

For now.

You still haven't answered why you're interested

in this position.

So this whole

thing is a bit below my station.

But the circumstances are, shall I say, extenuating.

I'm a woman with many friends, historically.

But due to a recent mutiny,

I was unceremoniously ousted from my clique.

- What did you- - And it wasn't my fault,

despite what that clout leach Lizzie says.

What wasn't your fault?

That's neither here nor there.

What's important now is that I land on my feet

to prove that I'm better off without them.

Would you say that you're photogenic?

Um, I don't.

Okay, so not naturally photogenic.

But there's a certain mysteriousness

to your waxy complexion.

I can maybe work with that since, obviously,

there will need to be a full social media blitz

to launch you as my new bestie.

Is that really necessary?

If you make a friend in the woods

and no one is there to take a picture,

do they still make a sound?

Um.

I was homeschooled, and then did college online,

which I loved.

But then mom and dad became worried

about my stunted social development.

I see.

They're the ones that saw your Reddit post, actually.

Are your parents on Reddit a lot?

My dad uses it to diagnose his rashes.

Oh.

They're a really cool community, actually.

The rash-having community is very, very supportive.

Oh.

I wouldn't know.

Okay, brag.

This is fun!

That's a little better.

Actually, no. That made it worse.

Can we please focus?

I am focused.

You need a friend for some reason.

I need a friend for vengeance reasons.

I'm trying to make this happen for us.

Look, I know it all seems very transactional,

but that's friendship.

A contract.

You need something from me. I need something from you.

That kind of rules out any chance

for emotion, right?

Exactly.

Sounds tidy.

The tidiest.

What is your background and experience with friendship?

Well, my parents.

And?

And they're awesome.

I, I tried to befriend my cousin once,

but my mom said that it's not really a friend

if it's someone you share a grandmother with.

Annoying, right?

Well...

Oh, plus, this cousin, he was sort of a bad boy.

What, like drugs, alcohol?

No, like naughty.

Ew, not like that!

Gross, not a sexy naughty. He's 11.

He just had behavioral issues

and bullied the other kids.

A bad little boy.

Got it.

Plus, we didn't really have that much

in common other than Gram-Gram.

What about your grandfather?

That's a good point.

He's dead, but I guess we share that grief in common.

You're so wise.

Thank you.

Are any of your grandparents dead?

Even if this is gonna be purely transactional,

I still would like to know more about you.

I sort of though this would be cut and dry.

Between me and Little Miss Daddy's girl,

I'm obviously the better choice.

No need to drag this out.

I still would prefer

to fully evaluate both candidates.

And I prefer to have my afternoons free.

Fine.

What do you want to know? - Parents.

I have them.

Greatest strength?

Brevity.

Weakness?

Don't have any.

I need you to give me something.

Fine.

I'm a Sagittarius.

I'm afraid of needles,

like every other reasonable person on the planet.

And I never remember my dreams.

Never?

Not even once.

My previous therapist said it's

because I don't do enough self-reflection.

What does your current therapist say?

I didn't get a new one after I fired the last one.

Total waste of time and money.

Now that introductions are out of the way-

Oh, what about your introduction?

Not necessary for our purposes today.

Oh.

As I was saying,

I'd like to move on to the next phase

of our interview process.

I'm gonna run through a couple hypothetical scenarios

and ask you to describe how you'd respond.

Riveting.

This is meant to simulate real-life experiences

to test your friendship instincts

since you will often be called upon

for physical or emotional support.

Does that make sense?

- Yes! - Sure.

Scenario one, I call you at three in the morning-

And I don't pick up.

That's not the question part.

It doesn't matter.

It's 3:00 AM. I'm asleep.

And if I'm not, I would pretend that I am.

But what if it's a- - If it's an emergency,

which is what I assume you're about to say,

then I'm also going to assume that you're smart enough

to call 911.

So I call you at 3:00 AM-

In the morning?

Yes.

Wow, that's late.

Or early, or both?

Sorry, go on.

I call you because I can't sleep and I'm sad.

Why are you sad?

Not important.

Well, I guess the first thing I'd do is ask

why you're sad.

And I'd say I don't wanna talk about it.

But you still called me?

Yes.

Okay.

I guess I'd ask if you wanted

to hear about my day,

to take your mind off whatever it is.

Scenario two, I need a ride to the airport.

No.

- But- - Absolutely not.

It's actually the marker of a bad friend

to ask for a ride to the airport in the era of Uber.

- I don't- - The only person

you're allowed to request a ride from is a romantic partner,

and that's only after you've been exclusive

for a minimum of three months.

I really think that I should wait

until you're living together,

but I'm in the minority on that.

Say, I need a ride to the- - I don't drive.

Really?

My parents have always driven me everywhere.

It's, it's not like I ever needed to learn.

I was never going anywhere without my parents.

Oh, sorry, where did you need a ride to?

The airport.

Oh, my dad can drive you. One second.

Let me just text him- - No, no.

This just a hypothetical scenario.

Oh, okay.

But my dad would totally drive you if you needed him to.

Scenario three, my birthday is coming up.

Okay.

Congrats.

Can we take a break?

Uh, not yet.

Fine. Okay.

So what's the question?

My birthday is coming up.

What do you plan to do for it?

Aw, does wittle Gewtie want a pawty?

A, a, a potty?

No, a party.

I need you to take this seriously.

I am.

It's very pre-K to expect people to fall all

over themselves planning a wittle party for an adult.

Okay. Ahem.

So what would you do instead?

I'd probably send you a text.

That's it?

And maybe I'd take you out for a glass of wine.

Or better yet, send you one in the mail

to give you the space to celebrate your birthday

how you want to.

I, I don't hate that.

My birthday is coming up.

Ooh, I love birthdays!

What are you gonna plan?

Nothing. Uh, that's where you come in.

Well, I guess my first instinct would be

to throw you a surprise party.

Oh, shoot, I just ruined the surprise

by saying that. - Oh, that's okay.

I don't really- - Well, I guess

I could pretend I forgot about your birthday,

and then throw the surprise party a day late.

Oh, I just ruined it again!

Scenario four, I tell you a secret.

It's a really good one.

How good could it be?

It involves people you know

and drama.

I can't imagine our circles overlap.

Pretend that they do.

Who do you tell?

Well, presumably this is a gotcha question

because the only thing a good friend would do is

to protect your secret to earn your trust.

- Oh. - But-

Hi, uh, Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

I wasn't able to take off work today, unfortunately.

But it should be fine.

I can't imagine it'll be too disruptive.

Of course, I understand that this is all very frustrating.

No, no, I haven't gone out of my way

to make your day harder than it already is.

Uh, but I'm so sorry you feel that way.

So do you guys live in the area,

or did you fly in for this fiasco?

Hello?

Anyone?

Wow, the first completely mute documentary crew.

Moving stuff.

Are you seriously not allowed to talk to me?

I don't wanna i-influence the subjects.

Ooh, "The subjects."

Pretend we're not here.

Your sweaty sound guy

with the mic hovering six inches above my head

will make that tough. - Scott, the boom.

All right, that's all taken care of.

Uh, let's get back to it. Where were we?

Ahem. Oh, the secret.

Uh, who do you tell?

I keep it to myself.

For now.

I tell you a secret.

And I take it to the grave.

No matter what it is?

Why? What is it?

I mean, I, I don't know.

Okay.

You wouldn't even tell your parents?

I can keep a secret from my parents,

unless they ask me about it directly.

I can't lie to them.

Well, what if your dad told you a secret

and asked you to keep it from your mom?

What?

Why would he do that?

- I-it's just an example. - They don't keep secrets

from each other.

That's their whole thing.

Okay.

Their whole thing.

Next question?

Actually, I think that just about covers everything.

Okay, I have concluded both the interviews.

Do either of you have anything you wanna add

before I begin my deliberation?

Yes.

Despite my lack of technical experience

in the friendship arena outside my parents

and the attempt with my cousin,

I feel certain that my enthusiasm and willingness

to learn would make me a perfect friend.

Near perfect.

Not at perfection at the start,

but always striving to be perfect.

And don't you want someone that's always striving

to better themselves in the service of being,

like, your friend?

I think we would have a warm and bright future together.

I guess that's it.

Okay.

I, I think I was expecting a bigger reaction.

Oh, um, do you want me to go back and do it again?

No, thank you.

Ahem.

Tammy?

Do you have anything you'd like to say?

Sure.

I'm the better candidate, and I think you should select me.

Is that it?

That's it.

Okay.

Well, uh, I need some time to think alone,

so, uh, you two can go back to the holding area.

How long has this been sitting out?

They're not allowed to interfere with "the subjects."

I just wanna know if the cheese is safe to eat.

I wouldn't eat it, personally.

Okay.

So, on the plus side for Tammy,

we have her extensive experience in friendships,

her intelligence, and her willingness

to treat this like a contract.

Which almost outweighs the cons,

which are pretty much her whole personality.

Um, and then June is warm

and enthusiastic and seems to want a real friend,

but it comes from a place of desperation

because she's never had a real friend before.

Plus, her dad kind of scares me.

So...

So, how did your interview go?

How did your interview go?

Oh, mine was great.

Great. So was mine.

But, actually, nevermind.

What?

She wouldn't tell me a single thing about herself.

Anytime I tried to ask her a question, she'd ignore it.

Same for me.

Makes the whole situation feel very one-sided.

You know, that gets me thinking.

Okay. Ahem.

I haven't changed my mind in the last 10 minutes,

which is a good indicator that I won't change my mind

in the next 10 years either.

So please, bring the candidates back into the living room.

I have come to a decision

about who will be moving forward

into the trial period of friendship.

Congratulations to... Wait.

June and I have been talking.

Well, Tammy was talking and I was listening,

but I agreed with a lot of the talking she was doing.

You said this is structured, like a job interview.

Right.

And in job interviews,

they say it's as much about whether the company wants

to hire you as it is about whether or not you wanna work

for that company.

W-well, it depends on how the job market is looking, but-

I'm just talking broad terms here.

That's something people say.

It is.

Well, we were thinking, why shouldn't this be the same?

You want to know whether we'd be good friends to you,

but what about whether or not you'd be a good friend to us?

So piggybacking off of that,

what if we interviewed you now?

Sorry, I don't, uh, have another chair.

Is that gonna count against me?

Hard to say.

So Gertie, why don't you tell us

a little bit about yourself?

Um.

Well, um, ahem, I live here.

And how long have you lived here?

My whole life.

And where do you see yourself in five years?

- Here probably. - Doing what?

Same thing. Customer service.

Good hours, remote.

Disruptive to conversations.

Not usually, I promise.

So you never want to explore the world?

Well, I, uh,

I watch a lot of movies from around the world,

and in itself, that's kind of its own exploration.

- So you're a recluse. - Hey, let's not-

No, I just...

I like to be comfortable.

Afraid of change, got it.

You know what?

Let's, like, maybe talk about a different...

Gertie, do you have any favorite foods?

I'm really good at chili.

Great. Any hobbies?

I recently tried birdwatching.

Ugh, ew. Birds creep me out.

Oh, same. There's something about their eyes.

- It's the smell for me. - Oh, that too.

Ahem.

Uh, oh, um, let's see.

Gertie, uh, are you close with your parents?

Not as much as I used to be.

Whoa, what happened?

Well, we kind of just-

You know, it's very rude to answer your phone

in the middle of a conversation.

In fact, it's rude to have the volume on at all.

Hello, Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

- So... - We don't have to talk.

But I like talking.

I've noticed.

So...

Fine, out with it.

Are you close with your parents?

Not everyone can be as obsessed

with Mommy and Daddy as you are.

I'm just curious.

No, I'm not close with them

because they're dead.

Oh, God. I am so, so sorry.

That's a lie. They're not dead.

They're just terrible people. I wish they were.

Wow.

Wow.

You're such a, a jerk.

And you're not.

I suspect parenting has something to do with that.

Mm, um.

Do you have any more, uh, questions for me?

Do you have any more phone calls to take?

I think I've heard enough, actually.

I don't think this is gonna be

a good fit- - Wait.

I have some questions.

Okay, great.

Well, not really questions.

More like a series of tests.

- Oh? - Fun tests!

You see, there are certain things I didn't get

to do growing up with friends

because I was, you know-

- A social outcast. - Right.

So there are some scenarios that I would like to try,

i- if that's okay.

Ouch! Was that your elbow?

Sorry, I have sharp corners.

This is cozy.

It'd be easier

if we didn't have a giant camera guy crammed inside.

- Pretend I'm- - Not here, I remember.

It's supposed to be cramped, I think, right?

I've actually, um,

never built one of these before either.

Ahem.

S- so, like, what do we do now?

Why are you doing it so quick? How do you do that?

Skill. Do you guys never do anything to your skin?

- Do I like, like do I- - I wash it with water.

You should be washing

in the morning. - Ew, it tastes terrible.

That's how you stay ageless.

Like June, you're, you're, you're,

all the nutrients are being squeezed out.

I think it's nice.

- Do you guys feel the juices? - I don't like

how slimy that feels.

No, it's supposed to feel, look at that.

Oh, it feels so good. - I'll try again.

I'll try again.

Okay, good.

Hot. Hot.

So hot!

And then when she finally looked under the bed,

just shoe boxes.

Is that it?

Yeah.

That's not a scary story.

That's a paranoid person thinking they heard something,

and then being wrong. - Being wrong is scary.

You're hopeless.

I think it's time for something truly scary.

Three women alone.

Sorta.

With no one to protect them from the dripping,

putrid claws of truth or dare!

Tammy, that was such a great performance.

Thank you.

Um.

I, I don't think truth or dare is such a good idea.

No, it's perfect. It's a sleepover classic.

You're a genius, Tammy.

I know.

Okay, Gertie, truth or dare?

Um. Truth?

Twice in the third grade.

Milk probably?

With Josh Lugstrom in the back of his RAV4.

But then I told Rebecca Haskell,

who told Paul Smith, who told everyone.

So then I told Josh's dad he was selling drugs,

and they sent him to military school.

And she didn't even leave a note.

George H. W. Bush.

Stop looking at me like that!

I said it was an accident, but I broke it on purpose.

My childhood dentist.

Twins, but only the identical kind.

The other kind doesn't bother me as much.

Waterboarding. Or, no.

Yeah, waterboarding.

All right, another truth for Gertie.

Okay. Hmm.

Why did you post to Reddit looking for friends?

Ooh, finally something juicy.

Um.

I just, I just wanted to meet new people.

That can't be the whole story.

You have to be brutally honest.

It's truth or dare law.

Yeah, don't make us call the truth or dare police.

They might not arrest you since it's your first offense,

but it'll probably go on your truth or dare record

as a misdemeanor.

But it'll probably still hurt your chances

for getting hired for jobs.

Okay, um.

Uh, I don't want brain cancer.

Sure, whatever.

Wait, I don't understand.

She clearly doesn't want to tell us the real reasons.

- That is the real reason. - So let's move on.

Okay, Tammy, your turn.

Truth or dare?

Truth.

What did you do to get ousted from your old friend group?

Nevermind, dare.

Uh-uh. Truth or dare law.

I hate you.

My, uh, ex-friend Lizzie told everybody

I killed her dog.

Did you?

No!

I mean, technically, he did die while I was watching him,

but he was 23 years old.

He, he died in his sleep.

But I think that Lizzie knew he was close to death

and asked me to watch him that weekend as a trap,

and then used that to start her smear campaign

to take over the group.

Huh.

Wow.

Let's move on.

O-okay. Uh.

Ahem.

June, truth or dare?

Truth.

Okay, someone has to choose dare.

You've only chosen truth too.

Yeah, to help us ease into it.

Now it's dare o'clock. - She doesn't have to do-

- Shh! - No, you're right.

It's time. I choose dare.

Okay. Um.

I, I dare you

to lick your foot.

Uh, no, vetoed.

You can't veto.

I can if your dare is bad.

Come on, pick something dramatic.

I, I dare you to run around outside the house.

Boo, you're bad at this.

No wonder you needed to post a Reddit ad to find friends.

Okay. Um.

I dare you

to kiss our director, Frank, with tongue.

Lots of it.

Frank has a wedding ring on.

I don't care.

You have to kiss him, June, sloppy style.

Can you pick something else?

Ah, you know what? Truth.

I go back to truth. - No, you can't do that

because you just told Tammy you couldn't

because it's truth or dare law.

So you have to do it. You have to kiss him.

Please pick something else.

Why, are you saving your first kiss for your cousin

'cause that's the only person you've ever hung out

with other than your parents or something?

Excuse me.

Wait, June. I didn't mean it like that.

I just meant... I thought we were...

I, I don't, I don't know, I thought-

No, you can't just take that kind of thing back.

June?

June, say something.

We're leaving.

You don't get to act all high and mighty now.

I mean, all you've done all day is talk

about how much better you are than June.

Yeah, earlier, before I really even spoken to her.

But you waited until you had all the right ammunition

to say something truly horrible

about her biggest insecurity.

I might be more insecure about my body

if we're doing a ranking.

Just to be totally transparent.

Well, do you wanna use that against her too, Gertie?

Go ahead.

No, that's not what I was doing!

Besides, I'm sure you said way worse things to other people.

Oh, definitely.

If they wronged me or hurt me,

or maybe just looked at me funny,

because I can be a bitch sometimes.

But you basically just dropped an anvil

on an innocent bystander.

Now we're actually leaving.

Do you want help with your other shoe?

I'll just finish putting these on outside.

Are you kidding me?

That's no way to make an indignant exit.

I, I don't know what to do.

I don't, I don't know how to fix it.

Ahem.

How do you make someone not mad?

That's a great question.

To make someone- - Actually, it's two people.

Got it.

To make two people not mad- - Actually, nevermind.

Okay.

Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.

Ahem.

How do you make someone, or, sorry,

two people who aren't your friend,

but you were hoping one

of them would someday soon be your friend,

forgive you after you said something

really horrible to them?

That's a great question!

Thank you.

How horrible was the thing you said

to these two people?

Like, really horrible.

Hello?

Is there another question I can answer

for you instead?

No, I need help with this question.

You might be screwed.

But is there another question I can answer for you instead?

I wish I knew my neighbors,

just 'cause then I could have someone to ask about all this.

Someone who isn't ChatGPT.

I can't believe there's not another person

for 100 miles who I could ask for advice.

I mean, I've avoided my neighbors because they have kids,

and I, I don't want to be pressured into buying cookies

or popcorn or crypto or whatever it is

the neighborhood kids are selling these days.

God, they think they could come up to my door on Halloween

and knock on in and-

Ahem.

Thank you for calling Spectrum Customer Service.

How may I help you?

I understand that can be very frustrating.

I am so sorry for the role Spectrum has played in this.

I assure you we can fix this together.

I hate that we made you feel this way,

and I am so sorry for the inconvenience.

Absolutely.

Uh, I will let one of our technicians know,

and he or she, as we are a equal opportunity employer,

will be there within the hour.

Thank you so much and have a great rest of your day.

Happy to help.

My entire professional career has led up to this moment.

See, my specialty is, uh, uh,

helping out disgruntled customers, soothing tensions,

and delivering apologies.

So Tammy said that friendships are transactional.

What is an angry friend but a disgruntled customer?

I'm not sure if that's exactly-

So I can just update

our boilerplate customer service script,

and that should do the trick.

So, um, just change internet connectivity issues

to interpersonal connectivity issues.

That one's easy.

And then, "Unplug your router and wait 30 seconds."

Unplug your animosity. That could work.

"Wait 30 seconds."

Uh, plug back into the conversation with fresh eyes.

That's good.

Great. Okay.

Ahem.

"Please come back.

I have something to say to you."

Send.

Ahem. Good afternoon.

I apologize for the inconvenience caused

by our interpersonal connectivity issues

and would like to take ownership

over my company's responsibility

and any frustration you felt when

communication expectations- - I forgive you.

What?

This is you apologizing, right?

It is.

And I forgive you.

Me too. I also forgive you.

So June and I got in a big fight right

after we stormed out.

I asked her if she wanted to hang out this weekend,

and she said, "Yeah, totally."

Everybody knows that's girl code for "No, you heinous bitch.

I hope you get hit by a car."

So I'm back in the market for a friend.

And a dog maybe.

That would really get Lizzie riled up.

And these are all much more photogenic than Gertie.

Mom always says hurt people hurt people.

And honestly, Gertie's life seems pretty sad.

It seems like she's all alone

and she was just lashing out because she was scared.

And I think we can move past that.

She did apologize after all.

I don't understand what happened

between me and Tammy though.

Uh, she invited me to hang out this weekend,

and when I said, "Yeah, totally,"

she called me a two-faced liar and stormed off.

Did she talk to any of you about the fight?

Okay, now that all the apologies

and I forgive yous are out of the way,

I have had the opportunity to review all the materials

from your friendship submissions,

and I have come to a decision.

And?

What?

Are you gonna announce it?

Well, o-obviously,

I'm just trying to make it feel important.

Just get on with it already.

Okay, so, ahem,

the person I have selected to fill the position of friend

on a short trial period,

with the option to renegotiate to best friend

in six months is

June!

What?

Wait, really?

Really.

Oh, my God.

I never get picked for anything!

Why her?

She seems like genuinely excited

about the prospect of being my friend.

I am genuinely excited!

If you want excited, I can give you excited.

Can you?

Eh, probably not.

Congrats, or whatever, June.

- Oh. Can I hug you? - Oh.

I, I just don't think we're really there yet.

Right, sure.

This is by far the blessed day of my life!

Shit. I flubbed the line again, didn't I?

Yeah, you did.

- I'm sorry. - That's like the third time

in a row.

You can do it.

The line is, "This is by far the best day

of my life." - "By far the best day."

"By far the best day."

It's such a tongue twister.

Do you think we could maybe change it?

Well, no rewrites,

like I said. - O-o-of course.

And I feel like you could just turn up the joy

on June, you know?

This is the best day of her life.

Nothing has ever even come close.

So I just wanna feel that, you know?

- Yeah, yeah, sure. - Okay.

Oh, any notes for me?

This moment is not about you.

Um, are we still rolling?

- Yep, we're still rolling. - Okay.

Uh, then let's just take it back, okay?

Ahem.

May I hug you?

Uh, I, I don't really think we're there yet.

Right, sure.

This is by far the best day

of my life!

Mine too.

Cut! Okay, that was so much better.

- Oh, thanks. - That's a wrap, everyone!

Congratulations.

Oh, my God, that last take was spectacular.

Thanks.

I feel like I could smell your disdain

when she was about to announce the winner.

Oh, thank you so much. I thought I was pushing it.

No, it was just the right amount.

Here are your guys' day rates.

- Awesome. - Thank you so much.

This was an incredible opportunity.

Yeah, I can't wait to see how it turns out.

Same.

Same.

You know, like, after the edit, it'll be...

We'll see.

And obviously, I'll get you guys your footage

from the scenes for your reels,

you know what I'm saying. - Oh, that would be amazing.

- Yeah. - Yeah, mine is so outdated.

I really need to freshen it up.

Yeah, I think I have my post-breakup bangs in most of it.

- Ahem. - Ahem.

- We should probably- - So I was thinking-

Oh, what were you going to say?

I was just gonna ask if, um,

if you guys wanted to maybe, like,

I don't know, hang out this weekend

to celebrate a successful shoot, you know?

Wow, that is so nice of you.

So nice.

Really thoughtful of you to think of that as,

like, a possible thing for us to do.

So is that a yes?

Yeah, totally.

- Bye. - Go home safe, you guys.

You can, uh, you can cut the camera.

Movie's over.