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I used to call myself a filmmaker,

a documentary filmmaker.

Although my films touched on broad issues

like nuclear weapons proliferation or big tobacco.

What was central to my films was always

what was happening in my own life,

often involving my family.

And you, Adrian, were a big part of that.

Can you cut a piece for me, Dada?

Most of the time when I was filming scenes like this one,

I didn't really have a purpose in mind.

But I always did imagine that someday,

I'd watch some of them with you.

Say, when you were in your mid-thirties

and had kids of your own.

You ready?

Yes.

You made the little trap yourself.

You once said it was like flying a kite

except it was underwater.

Whoa!

How many did we get?

That is a big one.

That's the biggest one we ever caught.

I think so, it’s huge.

Do you think we should let some crayfish go?

Yeah, I think we should.

Because this big one might be really angry.

He might be, Adrian.

I filmed you spontaneously, randomly,

just a few minutes every month or so

as you were growing up.

But as the years went by,

it added up to quite a bit of footage.

I got something! I definitely got something.

Great!

I can probably use that for bait, Dada.

Maybe.

Hey, it's a little one.

Why do you think you like fishing so much?

I don’t know, I just love...

the deep surprise of the ocean.

You never know what you'll catch.

Adolescent.

And adolescence is going through...

An adolescent is going through adolescence.

That's exactly right.

Which is the...

Yeah, that's good?

Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's good?

Now, as I look back over that footage from those years,

I found a partial record of what was happening in our lives then.

What you were up to, and

what I was up to

and how we were both moving closer

to the day that you would die.

I look at this footage both to convince myself

that you were alive,

but also, to convince myself that you're gone.

It's been seven years since you died.

And I still miss you every day.

This is Adrian with his mom, Marilyn.

In the film, I called “In Paraguay.”

“In Paraguay” touches on various subjects,

like the devastation caused by a series of disastrous wars

initiated by Paraguayan dictators.

But it mostly dealt with the complexities of foreign adoption

We were in Paraguay to adopt our daughter, Mariah.

We need some more dirt.

I mean more...

More bricks.

We ended up being stuck in limbo in Paraguay

for three months during the adoption process.

And I found my camera gravitating more and more towards my son.

This is a restaurant house.

There's even a bed.

One minute.

What would you like to eat?

Do you have any patatas fritas?

Sit down and go over there.

I will be there in a second.

Serve yourself salad, please.

Serve yourself salad.

Mmm, tasty.

Even then, I could see that this was, for me,

a kind of golden period of family life and of filming.

Boy, that was good.

Mom, it takes a while to eat that!

I gulped it. I'm sorry, I was starving.

I was a pig, eating a pig.

Hey waiter, my steak is as hard as a rock!

No, it isn't.

I was in love with my wife, in love with my kids,

and in love with the pleasure and practice of filming

moments in life that unfolded before the camera.

“In Paraguay” premiered at the Venice Film Festival.

Venice was a great way to premiere the film.

But as it turned out,

further screenings were postponed indefinitely

until my wife and I could come to terms

with putting another chapter of our family life in public.

It had already taken me years to finish “In Paraguay”

And as the years went by,

things at home became more and more strained.

Marilyn had made it clear that she preferred not to be filmed anymore.

And with the kids now in their teens,

that seemed to be more or less the feeling around the house.

Mariah?

Please may I touch it?

Wait a second, honey.

Tell me what you did.

I did pee-pee.

Did you really?

Yes Did you really?

Upstairs?

Yes Upstairs?

Let me touch it.

Over there?

You can touch it here.

What do you see?

Rainbow.

Rainbow? Rainbow.

Mariah?

What page are you on, sweetheart?

I have to go find out.

Somehow, the so-called golden period of filming moments from my family life

seemed to be coming to an end.

Adrian, I asked you to keep the sound down until I finished filming.

It is down.

Don't film me right now.

Dada,

I'm going to make something for you as a present.

Oh, good.

It's called a "Cooking TV".

What's a Cooking TV?

It’s the good kind of TV,

not the bad kind that makes you stupid.

It's the good kind.

Where do you see the image on it?

Well, the image is on the paper right here,

But it's sort of like a puppet show.

And I go behind it and then I talk.

Then the story comes through.

But I have to write something on there at the end.

I love you, Dada.

I love you too, honey.

You're so cute, Dada.

Is that going to come on the film?

Probably Is that going to come on the film?

Why do you say probably?

Whether I edit it out or not.

What? Whether I edit it out or not.

It depends on whether I edit it out, cut it out of the film.

I want you to keep it on.

Okay, I'll keep it on.

Okay!

In nearly all my films, my family life had been the lens through which

I’ve tried to make sense of the world around me.

In fact, my mother's favorite expression was

everything begins and ends with family.

But although my kids had loved being filmed

and I had loved filming them,

they’d apparently had enough.

I wasn't sure where to go from here.

Until I got a phone call.

I have to be quiet though

because my father's asleep upstairs.

You know, I think he already has enough questions

about the validity of my film project without...

seeing me dressed up like this,

talking to my own camera.

Hi Sis.

Hi! Hi Sis.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he's way back there.

The call was from a Hollywood producer

who was interested in trying to remake one of my documentaries

as a fiction film.

I made “Sherman's March” back in my mid-thirties,

when I was still single and my family and friends

were starting to become concerned about my singleness.

Hello, Dede.

Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

Glad to meet you, too. Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

Charleen has to say the least said a lot about you.

Oh, and about you.

Would you stop? Would you stop?

Don't touch that lens.

I can't help but touch it. Turn it off!

This is important. This is not art, this is life!

Alright.

“Sherman's March” was the film where I found my footing as a filmmaker

by making the decision to film things that were happening in my own life.

I come from a family of doctors.

Grandfather, father and brother.

And at first, my way of making films seemed a little strange to them.

I’ll be glad when that big eye is gone.

But eventually, they got used to it.

Making “Sherman's March” had been an adventure,

a road movie, in which I didn't know where the road would lead.

But I did manage to meet a few women along the way.

Now that there was an offer to remake “Sherman's March,”

I felt somewhat protective of my film.

I decided to talk it over with my sort of trusted advisors,

my brother and sister.

I think it's a wonderful movie,

and I think it deserved to be on the big screen.

It was on the big screen...

Bigger screen.

Can a movie bomb twice? Bigger screen.

Tommy, be nice!

I think it's a very bad idea.

Really?

You really think that?

Depends on--

on what he does with it?

Well, that's my concern, too.

Can he make a good film?

But if you have some kind of control on that

and they say you're going to be one of the producers,

then maybe it'll work.

Yes, that's a very intelligent thing my brother just said.

Well, I'm a doctor.

He's a doctor...

What do you expect? He's a doctor...

I'm an animal activist.

I train the wild beast!

Yes, I work with animals.

So how are you going to control this guy?

So I won't be reading the New York Times Friday movie review

saying, “Ross McElwee sold his soul.”

One star.

One star and a half...

Maybe. One star and a half...

Well, they'll let me have some input.

They want my input in constructing the script.

Well, that sounds good.

Yeah, I don't really think they have a clear idea

as to how they’re gonna do it?

I do think if you decide not to do it,

then you'll always second-guess yourself.

Well, I'm taking the first step.

What?

I'm taking the first step we’ll see what happens...

I think that's a good idea.

I went to Los Angeles.

A meeting had been set up for me to talk with Steve Carr,

the director of a string of commercially successful comedies.

When did you first see “Sherman's March?”

The first time it played on PBS I was living in New York,

and it played on channel thirteen, which is a New York affiliate for PBS.

Sure.

And I guess I was waiting for

Monty Python's Flying Circus to come on,

and I stumbled onto it.

And I remember my mom was watching it, too.

I caught it at the very beginning

and it just unfolded for me.

You think any of it really has anything to do with your lifestyle?

The way you dress, the way you live?

And it was a world I hadn't seen

the characters just seem to one on top of the next

become more and more interesting to me.

And then as I got caught up in your likability and the journey.

On February 16th, 1865

Sherman's troops massed here on the banks of the Congaree River.

I got the opportunity to see it quite a few times.

And then it always just stuck with me and I always loved it

and didn't see it for years and years

but always remember it and would talk about it with friends.

Then when Jason and I got together,

I've always had this idea about the movie

that I thought this could be,

and it always included every bit of the documentary that I've seen

and that I cherish.

And now the experience I have of actual filmmaking

and how to tell the story of a film being made.

I am bored with your singleness.

Well, I've made attempts at correcting this situation.

Yeah, well, you see, that's the other thing that's boring, failure.

It is time to get on it.

You have been insufficient in this quest

and so I have to take over.

I have to.

See now Charleen wants Amy Adams to play her.

Yeah, she's great.

She's actually on our list.

Is she really?

Yeah. Is she really?

She’s actually on our list for...

She’s on almost every one of our lists.

Yeah, yeah She’s on almost every one of our lists.

She’s great.

Oh my God, the best.

My son, Adrian, wanted me to give Steve and his team a crack

at turning my old film into a work of fiction.

It was kind of a running joke between us.

He'd say,

“I like your documentaries, Dad, but it's time to make a real movie.”

He was becoming more and more interested in

filmmaking as a possible career.

And it did occur to me that maybe

the remake of “Sherman’s March” might also open a door for him

to enter the world of what he called “real movies.”

Does it look okay through the viewfinder?

It is what it is, Dad.

Is what it is...

It's a still shot that you picked out yourself.

I finally agreed to sell the rights to “Sherman's March.”

And in turn, I secured the rights to make a new documentary

about the fictional remake of my old documentary.

I asked Adrian if he'd like to film his dad signing the contract.

I'm saying that,

I'm surprised you don’t at least want a slow zoom or something.

Go ahead and do a slow zoom.

Well, let me sign this, and then you can do a slow zoom.

It's boring to have it running, that's the kind of shots you can get

when you’re filming yourself.

The point of having a cameraman, is you can actually get--

a more interesting shot.

Okay, take the camera off the tripod and get a more interesting--

I don't want to take it off the tripod.

Well, move the tripod. I don't want to take it off the tripod.

Well, move the tripod. Alright.

That is so peculiar.

I can't believe it. It's so peculiar.

The irony of “Sherman's March” being undertaken by somebody else.

Who is it that made that decision?

And how can we escape him?

No, I don't want to escape him. I want him to succeed.

I think, you know, if he can make a really good independent

fiction film from “Sherman's March,”

I'd be elated.

I just don't quite know how it can be done.

I mean, I'm saying that I can't be replaced

neither can you.

And it'll be hilarious for us to see people try.

Charleen Swansea is one of my oldest friends

I met her in high school when she was teaching a poetry workshop.

You know, I learned a lesson from the Ezra Pound debacle,

which is that it didn't fucking matter.

I mean, it didn't matter what Ezra Pound thought.

Charleen has been there for many of the important moments

in my family life.

Adrian, hi darling!

This baby has got some--

This is such a smart baby!

He’s been around a camera a bit.

That’s not what makes him smart,

being around a camera makes you stupid!

This is a smart baby.

So, I'll come in on August the eighth and if I'm not going to come in

it would be because I'm on so much medication

that it's really hard for me to think ahead.

And I hate to do the tests that you're going to do on memory

when I can't remember my name,

let alone some questions that you would be asking me.

They're testing...

Old people

about how

accurate their memories are.

But it's part of a scientific, data-driven study.

It’s a long... It even has a name.

I can't remember the name of it

because I didn't care.

And that's how you remember something you care about it usually.

Anyway.

What did you ask me?

How is your memory, Charleen? Speaking of memory.

I don't know it's too complicated, it's like a beehive.

But do you find that your

short-term memory is holding together okay as you get older?

No, of course not.

Oh, boy. No, of course not.

I can remember odd pieces of stories

and things about

things I remember about you.

They just pop up.

I don't know that's how memory is, it just

it surprises me.

You filming?

Is it filming?

Yes. Is it filming?

Bravo, Bravo!

Bravo, Bravo!

Looking at this now, you seem as alive as ever...

in a kind of half-life that now represents you.

I mean, you're alive here in this footage,

but you're no longer alive in the real world.

Where's your favorite place that we've been to Adrian?

What about Munich?

Well, that was nice.

We were only there for one day.

I was?

Munich Film Festival?

That's right, remember?

And that's the place where the film had a problem.

That's right.

It got all confused because they put the wrong numbers on the leaders.

What happens when you do that?

Well, people can't tell which reel comes first.

Because what if you put a two here and you put a one at the end.

That's what happened.

And it took them a long time to get the leader straightened up.

The story I thought I was telling with my filmmaking,

the story of lives lived over decades.

Is now disjointed.

Confused.

The reels are all out of order.

First, there is a father,

and he has a son, me.

But then it starts all over.

I am now the father. And I have a son, you.

But something goes awry, something goes off script.

And then suddenly you're gone.

Did you like the wedding scene?

Yeah, I love that part.

That's your favorite part?

I love when you get married That's your favorite part?

with Mama.

You think you might want to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama.

Only with Mama or Dada?

Mama and Dada.

Only Mama and Dada.

So yes, you're gone.

Except you're not gone.

Not entirely.

Because I still have all these

moments with you I captured on film.

Adrian,

I know you think that I should be working for a Hollywood production.

You can though, that's why--

I don't understand it.

It's like Steve Carr does,

he works on the moneymakers first.

Then he has time to do whatever he likes.

Doesn't have to worry about money.

So you want me to be more like Steve Carr?

Adrian, I'm trying to do films my way.

Yeah, but--

No one always gets their way

just like you said to me,

you can't, you know...

you can't just start at the top.

You might have to be someone's coffee bitch for a while.

Or file paperwork or run little errands in a trailer.

For a couple of years before you even do anything meaningful.

And so plenty of people do stuff like that.

So I don't see why you're above that.

But I've done that. That's how I began my career.

And you've been successful but I'm saying,

why not just do some blockbuster hits here?

Oh, Adrian, it's not as if I can just opt to do a famous--

You’ve been offered to do commercials for Jaguar

and you turned them down.

Well, that was years ago, Adrian. and you turned them down.

Why would you turn something like that down?

It just doesn't make sense to me.

Because I didn't want to do TV commercials.

But it's not always about what you want to do.

You're blessed, it's such a spoiled attitude to have.

Had to get that out of the way.

Ow, fuck!

I told you that was my worst fall.

Yeah, good job Adrian.

I'm done.

I almost hit you in the face.

I'm going to do something big, and it's not going to be...

It's not going to be from a degree.

I'm not going to graduate with a degree in English or film

and do this and that.

I would love to work for HBO, for example, or an internship for...

Steve Carr and get involved in that project heavily, and then

maybe they really like me and they move up one position more

and then one position more.

You know, that's how it happens I understand that.

But on my own, I think it's going to be through a book

I've been trying to write.

It's based on my life, my experiences,

and I've had a lot of ridiculous experiences.

And weren’t you working on a screenplay based on the novel?

Yeah.

But then again, I also...

I came up with this company, None Higher, Nonehigher.com

It's up, check it out.

Right now, it's just basically a music blog.

But my ultimate goal is to have a line of T-shirts.

Once again, another thing I'm procrastinating.

At the time, Adrian was pursuing multiple projects in multiple fields,

but almost all of them seem to connect back to filmmaking.

What?

Hi.

Hey

Can I watch you?

Yeah, sure.

What?

How old did you say you are?

Me?

Eight years old.

Yeah, my sister’s nine.

She is? I’m turning nine.

Really?

Yeah.

So you’re in first grade?

What?

You’re in first grade then?

No!

I mean, second!

Third?

Oh!

You gotta be careful.

I know. Okay.

I can’t really do it but, you just go like--

When I have all my protection stuff,

You go like this, like this--

Yeah

Like that, like that. Yeah

And then I can turn it around like that.

That’s pretty sick.

Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, sorry.

It’s okay.

Two, Three.

Alright, cut.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

The people producing the “Sherman's March” remake

asked me to record narration they had written for a sample reel.

It would be composed of actual shots from “Sherman's March.”

They've already set me up on dates with a few nice women,

and I've been looking at some of my--

Take two

They've already set me up on dates with a few nice women,

and I've been looking up some of my ex-girlfriends as well.

I'm holding out hope that romantic love is still possible

here in the modern South.

A few weeks later,

they sent me the finished sample reel.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

Leave us alone.

You better leave us alone.

The fiction film as you know of it...

Steve and his team in Los Angeles had struck a deal with

a well-known cable television network.

Rather than a feature film, the idea would now be to adapt

“Sherman's March” into a dramatic television series.

Oh well, TV would be fine.

Gosh, I don't know where it stands right now.

It started off as a narrative feature.

It then morphed into a series.

Right, the AMC TV show.

That's right. Right, the AMC TV show.

With Steve directing the pilot...

I was beginning to have my doubts about the whole project.

I needed to be back in the world I had filmed.

To remind myself that my friends were real people

living real lives, not actors following a script.

Does it look the same?

Oh, I see it. Oh, neat!

As Steve and the network began talking to writers,

I decided to go back to North Carolina.

I had learned that my friend, Philip Osborne,

who had appeared in “Sherman's March,” had died.

Tension that up?

Yeah Tension that up?

Now put it back on there and see what happens.

I bet you it’ll work just great.

Yeah I bet you it’ll work just great.

Philip's son, Phil Jr.,

had taken over the family business.

Philip?

Good to see you, how you been doing Ross?

I'm okay Philip.

Great, great.

Great to see you, man.

Good to see you. Great to see you, man.

How about that?

There’s a fella here in town that owns this one now.

You never wanted to drive one around yourself?

I do have some old British cars.

I have an old Bentley that I drive, so I enjoy it.

You drive a Bentley?

Yeah, I have a 1952 Bentley Mark VI.

You're doing pretty well.

Well actually, it was my father's car originally

and I inherited it.

We lost him in October 2010.

And he said that he was very content.

He was happy with the life he had lived.

When we come in here, we say he still lives because

Of the things we’ve done together,

the things we used to do,

and the things we have a lot of great memories of

That’s right

Do you remember taking off my steering wheel?

Well you know, that was one of the safety features

as they used to say for keeping your car there.

See you take your steering wheel off with you.

You take it off with you and go anywhere you want to go.

Take it on in the house.

That's right.

That way, nobody can steal your car. That's right.

Philip does a lot of work now himself.

Oh yeah, I saw him. Philip does a lot of work now himself.

You only have one son, right?

Right You only have one son, right?

One son and one daughter.

That's such a shame about your daughter.

Yeah, it was something...

Sorry to hear about that.

But that's just one of those things that happen though.

Yeah, I think about that girl, I miss her too.

I really do.

How did she die, Philip?

She had cancer.

Cancer?

That’s bad, bad.

Your mother had cancer, too?

Yeah, she had cancer also. Your mother had cancer, too?

Yeah.

My mother always encouraged

my hopes of becoming some kind of an artist.

But she died when she was young,

long before I became a filmmaker.

I went to visit my family's burial plot in Charlotte,

but discovered that my mother's headstone had mysteriously disappeared.

Oh, there it is.

And obviously, this one has been quite a while.

You’re spinning very slowly,

but you're not gaining any ground.

This hippie lifestyle just has...

Not a hippie lifestyle! This hippie lifestyle just has...

It is a hippie lifestyle.

In New York and Boston, you can get on the subway

and ride to the beach, you know.

And here you have to drive through five miles of miserable,

swampy, muddy road to be attacked by mosquitoes

and you get stuck in the mud for all your trouble

and then you have to walk back.

And you never get to the beach. and then you have to walk back.

While down South, I visited another friend

who had appeared in “Sherman's March,”

Wini Wood.

When we were making “Sherman's March,”

a lot of random moments

got filmed, you know, from your life here.

And those exist now in a film.

What do they seem like to you now, 30 years later?

Well,

now, it's odd that the film

is a kind of memory archive for me.

Yeah. is a kind of memory archive for me.

It's you know, I remember what it felt like being at Genesis

and I remember,

a lot of things I did.

But for me now, looking at the film,

it’s how those memories become,

I mean, they're really activated.

When I watch me milking a cow,

I can feel the sensation of the cow’s utter

I can feel what it’s like to touch and smell a cow.

So it really activates memories.

It functions as memory.

And I can see this as you're making your other films,

as you're getting older and trying to retrieve those memories.

Because we become more acutely interested in memory

as we get older, I guess.

You know, memory is also partly about connecting the past to the present.

What is this?

This some war trash, honey.

I'm trying to remember what you said that irked me so

because it is so absolutely, totally the wrong thing to say to a woman.

I don't remember making movies together.

Really?

I really don't.

What movies would we have?

Well, I made a movie called “Sherman's March.”

You were in it, and you were great

in your role in that film.

People loved it.

I don't remember the--

I don't remember it.

Really? I don't remember it.

You don't remember when you went with me to

a military bunker near your house?

I mean, what you say to a woman is not self-effacing.

I mean, that's not it, that's not even interesting let alone--

I never met her before.

I don't care, Ross! I never met her before.

I'm trying to tell you.

Postpone a vacation I'm trying to tell you.

because I was coming into town.

That's absurd.

Ross, that's what's wrong with you.

What she wants to hear what all women want to hear,

what children want to hear,

you've got to be more passionate, Ross.

Now, if you had said to Dede, please postpone...

You talk about a passion being necessary

to have a meaningful life.

I don't care, Ross!

I'm telling you...

It's a scene that resonates,

and I think people have really appreciated it over the years.

You don't remember that?

Not anything about that.

What I remember about you and I together is not that.

It’s um...

I feel like I can make you laugh.

This place is like a tomb.

No it's not, it’s like pubic hair, part the bushes!

Go into the place!

Go with it, Ross. It's not like a tomb. That's the trouble with you.

You don't know the difference between sex and death!

Sex and death?

Sex and death! Sex and death?

This is life!

You can't even tell it when it sits on your face.

You can't tell which it is.

And you also make viewers, audiences laugh.

And you used to make us laugh in the classroom.

Classroom? What classroom?

Fred, stand here with me.

I want you to be my lover for a minute.

I want y’all to imagine that...

You were a teacher, you taught poetry.

To high school students.

To what?

You taught poetry.

You want to say what you feel

so the people know it and give it back to you.

Okay, I got to say what I feel to this man, I’m in love with him

because I got to make him love me back.

Now I can talk to him one of two ways.

Fred,

look at me.

I love you, Fred.

Do you remember the Poetry in the Schools program?

That's how I first met you.

I don't know, but things just disappear.

They just disappear.

Charleen.

One day, Adrian told his parents, Ross and Marilyn

that he wanted a baby sister to play with him at the beach.

It was me?

Yes.

Then one day, they heard that in a country far away,

called Paraguay...

When my wife and I decided to separate,

I moved into a sublet not too far away from the house.

A trial separation

is what the court called it.

My son was in Vermont, attending college.

His sister stayed at home with her mom.

And suddenly I was living alone.

My wife and I worried about the effect

the separation would have on our children,

but we didn't worry enough about it

to prevent the separation from happening.

And then suddenly, my son was back in Boston,

living with me.

In Vermont, he'd ended up in a hospital emergency room.

He'd gone to a party and overdosed on vodka and the drug ecstasy.

His mother and I had rushed to Burlington.

We'd been through this before.

Adrian had had flare-ups with alcohol and drugs,

binge drinking, being expelled from high school for marijuana possession.

We’d sent him to a wilderness program in Utah

for kids with substance abuse issues.

And we found therapists and psychiatrists to try to help him.

But whenever we thought things were maybe getting a little better,

a new crisis would happen.

Adrian, I’m totally supportive of you writing, editing, and filming--

I believe between the internet, filming, writing

and creating a clothing brand,

I would be very well off, I'd be happy with my life.

Right, but you're undermining yourself by all of this other behavior.

Like what happened last night, you know, why do you do those kinds of things?

Why?

Because I just... Why?

I don’t know

You're going to hurt yourself drinking and--

I didn’t drink anything last night.

Well not last night, but...

You did something with some drugs last night

and you know, you could really hurt yourself.

Well,

it’s always a risk

so is skiing, so it driving...

It's not like I'm shooting up heroin.

No, I'm thankful for that at least.

Go work on your resumes and get them in.

I'll go get some ice coffee.

Can you give me a Venti or whatever it is? The largest one.

Yeah.

Can you get double espresso shots?

Yeah.

Just want some caffeine, okay?

Okay.

Go cut your toenails at some point.

I was worried about my son's risky behavior with drugs and alcohol.

But suddenly, there were issues of my own to deal with.

After your MRI, the radiologist called me and said.

I'm calling you about, Mr. McElwee, your patient.

He goes, “Wow, is he having any symptoms?”

He's not having headaches, he's had no neurologic symptoms.

I said, no, I was just looking for

pressure.

See, this is what I'm looking at

is putting pressure on his brain

has kind of collapsed part of the ventricle.

But you can see it here. You can see how huge it is.

It's a very important part of the brain that there could be

neurologic consequences as well.

I mean, it's your brain.

Chances are I'm going to survive it.

That seems.

Almost certainly, you're not going to die.

We basically go down the midline.

To the tumor in that little opening that I mentioned to you,

and then literally take the pulp out of the tumor and then

bring in the “rind” of the tumor, if you will,

so that we get all the tumor out.

But then we put that dura, the covering back, stitch it back.

And then we put the bone back in with little metal plates and screws,

and then we put the skin and scalp back on, and stitch that back up,

let you heal.

So tell me, Ross, in your darkest hours

what do you worry about?

Well,

I do worry about something freakish happening.

And me dying.

And Adrian

having not straightened himself out.

Right.

I worry a lot about that.

Adrian remains a question mark.

I think he'll be fine, ultimately.

But I don't want to leave him now, I really don't.

Right.

I mean, a lot of people would look at this,

this nice

construction that this neighbor of mine is making

and just think of it as a flower box.

I mean, after all, Spring is coming and

the flowers will still be in bloom, and,

but I look at it with my surgery two days away and I think,

it's a coffin.

It's a box. A coffin for a human being.

But for God's sake, this is all morbid.

There's a 95% chance of success with this operation.

So why do I dwell on the 5%? Why?

I think it's because there's a 5% chance

I won't see my daughter again.

Mariah continues to be such a joy, such a sweetheart, and

I would really miss her.

And the 5% chance that I won't see my son.

It's been difficult the last two years with Adrian.

He's twenty-one, he's got all kinds of problems.

But the kid also has tremendous skills

and abilities and eventually he'll figure himself out.

So all of that is figuring into this very complex equation now

as I think about the next forty-eight hours.

A week after my surgery,

Adrian smuggled a small video camera into my hospital room.

He said he thought it would help me recover faster.

I remember being thrilled to be filming again.

I mean, you'll never know what you'll get.

The deep surprise of the food tray...

It meant a lot to me that he would bring me the camera,

and also that he took charge of sending out bulletins

to family and friends

to let them know of my recovery progress.

I was finally allowed to come home from the hospital.

My wife and I put the divorce on hold.

During my rehab, I’d learned that Adrian’s psychiatrist

had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder

and had prescribed lithium to treat it.

Adrian reluctantly agreed to go along with the treatment.

A month after my return from the hospital,

my wife and I decided to proceed with the divorce.

After twenty-four years of marriage, suffice it to say,

the breakup was very painful.

And once again, we were both worried about the effect on our kids,

but not worried enough to avoid divorce.

We sold the house and began packing.

Adrian, what are you?

A squid.

Until the movers took away the TV console,

I'd forgotten that years ago, we placed a mousetrap behind it.

A few months later, I had to go to Prague to screen

a retrospective of my films.

A prospect I wasn't looking forward to

given everything that was happening back home.

The projectionist was preoccupied.

I slipped into the projection booth.

A scene from my wedding ceremony happened to be playing.

For richer, for poorer. In sickness and in health.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish forever.

To love and to cherish forever. To love and to cherish forever.

I remember feeling like stopping the projection,

going into the theater and making an announcement.

We did not stay together until death do us part.

We're headed for divorce.

This film might have been shot as a documentary, but now it's fiction.

You think you might want to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama

Only Mama and Dada.

This was very easy to make.

How long did it take you to make it?

Few days.

And how did you know what God looked like?

Well, I don't really know.

But this reminds me of God.

It reminds me of God.

I think God looks like this.

Do you think that God’s seen this painting?

Sure.

Well, not inside...

I’ll show her or he out the window.

Open the window, please.

Right there.

This is a mysterious picture of God.

Now do you want to go camping?

So I put the camera down and went camping.

But I remember thinking that God sort of looked like a movie camera here.

Some of the footage I shot with you as a young child, it's just so beautiful.

And it’s because I shot it with film and not with HD.

I agree and I think that

Going back to being younger and being filmed

The biggest regret I have is you not putting me in...

some kind of child ads

I was a child star to some extent, but...

I think we did you a favor by not trying to make you a child star.

I think you could’ve made me a child star pretty easily

I already was, I was like a D-list,

Z-list

How do you put up with him?

I don't know

I just wonder if you ever think about

reversing the roles sometimes a bit more

Well, here.

Got it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

Got it?

I can film. Got it?

Okay.

Oooh

Don’t drop it.

Where do I need to--

Do you see me?

Yeah!

Okay.

These haven’t been sorted out yet.

I can’t see them very well.

They’re kind of tiny.

In this camera.

How can I adjust if the camera’s not working very well?

Well, I think you can see them if you look.

Just move the camera until you see my hands

holding the shells...

It’s right in the middle of them, yeah!

You know what?

What? You know what?

I think you’re interesting.

Why? I think you’re interesting.

I’m kind of boring I think.

You’re like the man behind the camera. I’m kind of boring I think.

No one gets to see you enough--

Well they do, I get in front of the camera now and then.

For let's say, about one percent of your films.

Well, there's a reason for that.

People don't want to see a film about me.

They want to see a film about what I see.

But perhaps...

You could change it.

Perhaps I'll change in the future?

Maybe.

It’s kind of blurry you know that?

Is it?

Probably the eyepiece needs to be adjusted.

What?

Why don't we turn it off for now?

Sure.

All you have to do is press this little button.

Sure that’s the right one?

Yup, it’s on video right now.

Okay.

You want a three-egg omelet or two?

Three, please.

So, Adrian.

Yes?

Tell me what you think of your dad.

I'm taking pretty good care of you.

You always do but...

this place is not satisfactory.

This is temporary, Adrian.

You complain too much about temporary housing.

I'm very affected by the surroundings.

You've been angry at me a lot

about this and that.

But seriously Adrian,

some of the things

that have gone down over the last couple of years,

have been really...

painful and complicated and

we've made a few mistakes along the way but--

Just a few?

Huh?

Just a few? Huh?

Well, a few...

Maybe more than a few but,

you've certainly made a lot of mistakes too.

And sometimes I don't think you've been willing to admit that.

We’ve already had that discussion.

I’ve been through things that are not really comprehendible to most people.

Like what?

Things I don’t want to talk about.

I think it may have really triggered some of the worst,

some of the bad tendencies in myself...

vices and anxiety.

Well, it was only meant to help you.

Maybe we made some mistakes.

I think that's putting it lightly.

Adrian, that’s going to fall.

It's not Dad, I live life on the edge.

See...

Oh!

It could be worse.

Hi.

It’s me and Mark on the phone together.

Hey Ross.

You know, here's the thing, I think television is so good right now...

The team in Los Angeles called again.

The “Sherman's March” television series was now being reconceived

as a half-hour sitcom.

Almost three years into development,

I was having even greater doubts about the project.

What’s more, there wasn't really anything for me to film

for my making-of documentary.

Just a series of meetings that they'd rather I did not try to film.

I found myself shooting random moments out my window.

But then I was notified that a proposal I had submitted for a different film,

one that had to be shot in France had been approved.

The film would be called “Photographic Memory”

How old is this map?

Well, it's got to be...

Thirty, thirty-five years, at least.

Can you imagine going on a trip like this someday, Adrian?

Wandering and not really knowing where you’re going?

Feel like I’ve already done that.

You have?

Where did you do it?

Places that I don’t really want to talk about.

Okay...

For the film, I’d be retracing my steps when I was my son’s age.

back when I was unsure of what I wanted to do with my life.

While back in the US,

my son is trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life.

Hello Adrian.

Hi Dad.

Can you see me?

Yeah, I see...

Is that a camera?

There is a camera in the back of me and the ocean in front of me.

What do you do with your days, Adrian?

Sometime after this conversation,

Adrian decided to taper off of his lithium prescription.

He said it had caused him to gain a lot of weight

and made him feel sluggish.

He felt lithium deprived him of his creativity, his spark.

“Photographic Memory” premiered at The Venice Film Festival.

And since Adrian has appeared in the film, he came along.

He showed me at least a first draft of the film.

It was definitely a surprise at first.

And if it was not my father, I probably would

I'm not saying press charges, but I would definitely...

Oh, come on.

I'm making a joke.

But no, it would be a little bit different

if it had not had that level of intimacy.

But I think it's worth saying that if you had really

objected to any of the footage, I would have taken it out first.

And he obviously has that integrity.

Had I said, I really don't feel comfortable with this,

of course, it would not be in the film.

A lot of people ask,

“Were you uncomfortable seeing a lot of these images on the screen?”

“And projected, put into the public light?”

The answer is yes.

A lot of it is definitely hard to see.

In terms of growing up, even in the past couple of years.

Also compared to as when I was a younger child, but...

It...

Even if it’s pretty brutal,

it does help, uh...

Once again, bring back the entire theme of the film and

help strengthen it.

Plus now you get to go to film festivals.

Right. Plus now you get to go to film festivals.

I’m also very tired.

I want to thank my guests.

Thank you, thank you.

After Venice, we traveled to other film festivals together.

As usual, Adrian brought his camera along.

But I also noticed he was making notes here and there.

I now wonder what he wrote on that scrap of paper.

This is something he shot after I went back to my room for the night.

It might have been for a music video he was making

but I'll never know for sure.

Adrian did have a penchant for music videos.

Especially those which featured his appearances at film festivals.

When I eventually came upon this video

Adrian made at the Venice Film Festival,

I didn't know exactly how to take it.

I mean, was a kind of tongue-in-cheek parody of himself

as a film festival big shot?

Or does it on some level,

actually represent the life that he wanted for himself?

Not that there's anything wrong with that per se,

but for Adrian, it may have been poison.

I now worry that maybe filming my son

and then letting him travel with me to film screenings

somehow contributed to his destabilization.

Maybe gave him a distorted sense of reality.

And I’m haunted by the comment a journalist made about the film.

saying he felt I was too tough on my son,

too judgmental.

Why do you do those kinds of things?

Why?

I just...

I don't know...

You're going to hurt yourself I don't know...

Drinking and--

I didn’t drink anything last night.

Well, not last night but... I didn’t drink anything last night.

You did something with some drugs last night and

you know, you could really hurt yourself.

What the journalist did not know

because I didn’t explore it in the film

was the seven years of sporadic hell and suffering

my son had gone through due to alcohol and drugs

and his psychiatric issues.

“Photographic Memory” offers up a version of a kid who was troubled, but

who would eventually be okay.

I now think it was this version,

a fundamentally false version,

that Adrian ended up embracing as the true version of himself.

Even after the period covered in “Photographic Memory,”

Adrian continued to have problems,

including minor run-ins with the Boston police.

I even let him go.

There’s a dent on my hood, okay?

And maybe the last straw for Adrian was that during

the manhunt for the culprits of the Boston Marathon terrorist bombing,

FBI agents questioned him briefly because someone had sent in

an anonymous tip saying that Adrian resembled one of the bombers.

The agents quickly realized that he wasn't the man they were looking for.

But Adrian decided it was time to get out of Boston.

As he told his friends,

even the FBI has me on their radar here.

So he took a parcel of internet domain names he'd accumulated,

and he sold them.

He moved to Colorado to make a fresh start.

In watching what you'd film in Colorado,

it was your ski footage that moved me the most.

I was mesmerized by your shadow when it floated over the snow.

And when you sneezed,

it was the same sneeze you made when you were a little kid.

When I saw this footage, it was suddenly like being able to inhabit your body.

I was reminded of how you loved getting off the main trail

finding your own way down the slope.

When you were a little boy and while we were skiing together,

we'd sometimes stop just to listen to how quiet it was.

I wonder if that's what you were doing here.

Shh.

Just listen.

I used to call myself a filmmaker.

I used to call myself your father.

I used to call myself a filmmaker.

I used to call myself your father.

I used to call myself your father.

A few years go by,

then I meet Hyun Kim, a filmmaker from South Korea.

We fall in love.

She moves in with me.

Early in our relationship, she asked me not to film her face.

Did you commit some kind of crime I don't know about?

No, it's because I don't look natural on camera.

I just want to have my private life.

Just because I'm not a performer type,

I'm an observer.

You will be a mystery woman in this film.

I love being mysterious.

Even though she won’t let me film her face,

Hyun is wonderful.

At odd moments, I'm astounded that we somehow found each other.

My daughter, Mariah, is getting to know Hyun.

Or a smaller one.

Well, I think that’s a good size.

We got pumpkins.

Hyun is making a film about the effects of the Korean War

on three generations of her family.

In watching it, I'm struck by how similar our filmmaking styles are.

It’s as if we speak the same language.

How do you feel?

Well, I’m very happy.

I just wish you would let me film you the way you film me.

No, you refuse?

Not even for--

Not even for a wedding present?

Do you want to hold hands?

Oh, okay.

Are you ready?

Yes, we are. Are you ready?

Okay.

Would you turn and face her and then repeat after me?

I Ross.

I Ross I Ross.

Take you, Hyun.

Take you, Hyun. Take you, Hyun.

To be my wife.

To be my wife. To be my wife.

And I pledge to you.

And I pledge to you. And I pledge to you.

Justice Lopez's official title is The Solemnizer.

As if to make official the solemn exchange of wedding vows.

My friendship,

My support,

My support, My support,

It is probably a little strange to her and not so solemn

That both Hyun and I are recording this event with our respective cameras.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, you're welcome.

Enjoy.

We decided not to invite any friends or family members.

And so, we're married in the presence of only Justice Lopez.

And the ghosts of former city council members.

My daughter drops by to fix dinner for Hyun and me.

So what do you think is going to happen to you after leave

the program that you're in now?

I'm going to be working.

I'm going to find a job, work, and then maybe go to another college.

We're going to get another dog.

Dad.

Mariah, come on, let’s go.

Hold the other side, pick the other side up.

Let’s go, we're on a journey.

Okay, we're almost good.

I think this is good...

Mariah is growing up and seems to be doing well.

My main concern continues to be for my son,

who’s now been living in Colorado for two years.

When we talk by phone, he tells me he's making progress

on getting his media business up and running.

He says he's been filming demo reels for ski clients.

He says he misses us.

The last time I visited Adrian,

he seemed to be doing okay.

But I always leave knowing I'm probably not seeing the whole picture.

Adrian had told me he’d begun shooting footage for a documentary

with and about his friends and what their lives were like.

We're making our movie,

and right now we're making it by talking.

Exactly.

No one can help me.

No doctor can help me.

No friend can help me.

Not in the end... No one can help me except me.

If I can even help me...

You’ll get a kick out of looking at the book.

They’re thinking of every part and every possible actor.

I could just be myself but like...

You know?

You should be your dad, though. You know?

That would be pretty epic.

I mean, how could they not cast you as your dad?

because you’re like the same age.

I don’t know. because you’re like the same age.

It’s because they want like a...

You’d just have to grow a beard.

They want a star who has...

you know, some mainstream-like shit.

Dude, all you have to do is grow a beard

and you could be your dad so...

We're gonna find it.

Dude, that's fucking bullshit.

There's a piece of bud on the ground.

Wait, wait, stop! What's under this bag?

Ganja.

What is all this?

Is that all weed?

Is this weed?

That’s his shit...

But the footage Adrian left behind,

gradually became more and more about drug use.

And especially his own struggles with addiction.

So it's Oxy like Roxies?

What made you buy this, what was in your motive?

It’s like candy.

Do you like candy?

No, I actually hate candy.

Listen.

I started off just like you.

I think that...

it’s going to be interesting to document

regarding the American drug problem and prescription problem...

and myself.

Which is probably the hugest thing of all

I mean, not cause it’s me, but because...

I mean...

I know you think this is probably bullshit, but...

One night, we got a call from a Colorado hospital

saying that Adrian has checked into a drug detox unit for a week.

When he emerges from detox, he tells me his film has become about how

drug addiction was wrecking his life.

And how it ruined his relationship with his girlfriend.

Who had already been battling addiction issues of her own.

I've not been in the habit of bringing my camera when I visited Adrian,

but this time he asked me to bring it with me.

About three weeks ago,

I came out of a treatment place called Centennial Peaks.

It’s actually not in Centennial, Colorado but

a little bit outside of Boulder.

And it was only a week long, it was technically a psych ward.

So there's no shoelaces and...

What do you mean, there was no shoelaces?

Because they...

Well, now I have some on but,

because they don't want people to hang themselves

so they take away your shoelaces.

It's pretty common with any of those type of places, I guess.

I was there to detox or withdraw from

opiates or specifically,

black tar heroin and

You know, I think it helped a lot and

I’m trying to move forward from there.

I was snorting OxyContin.

Not regularly enough where I...

had like experienced really withdrawals from that before.

But I enjoyed it, you know.

It gave me anxiety relief and an energy boost

and it was nice.

But, that became really hard to find and really, really expensive.

And so someone had basically some powder.

and this kid, Darren, he called me into his room

and you know, he offered me a line of it and

you know, I never, I never really...

planned on trying heroin, I think most people

would say the same, but

it's basically the same thing as the OxyContin...

and it is true I mean, they're all opiates.

They're all basically the same thing and bind to the receptors.

So...

I just was really sad at the time and depressed or whatever

and I said, “What the hell” and tried that.

And it's not like I just got hooked after that.

It doesn't work like that.

You know, it's a slow progression, and where this last--

the last year and a half, basically

last two years, I really...

started using it daily.

I mean, all day and all night.

It's quite, it's quite nice.

It's a ritual and it's relaxing.

You know, it just...

It's a little euphoric, it's kind of like a warm blanket.

That's what kind of the opiate feeling is.

And it gives you some energy for a while, and...

Yeah,

make you sleep great and all that type of stuff.

So it seems like a wonder drug at first.

But then the reason people start injecting is because...

I feel like most people would know this, but

as your tolerance builds with it,

it becomes not so cheap.

Because...

You know, I can smoke through a gram in about

an hour if I wanted to.

Easily or less.

And that's eighty dollars, you know.

I think there was a way in which I should have known, or

did know, and yet didn't want to admit it.

That you were in trouble.

If not with heroin, then with opiates.

Percocet and OxyContin.

And I feel terrible about that.

I was too distracted.

With my so-called profession and teaching.

I don't think... you know

It's not my fault, you know, I'm not saying

this is all my fault, but

it makes me feel terrible.

Well, I feel bad about it too.

What happened with you and your girlfriend?

I had no idea that you were doing heroin.

We were completely dependent on it, so

if we didn’t have it for even ten hours

we were sick as dogs.

It’s that quick.

Meaning that you were vomiting?

No

It’s called being dope sick.

You start sweating.

And like I said, you’re...

You're fairly cold but you're sweating a lot.

You know, there's all the ailments.

You can't sleep, restless legs, you’re just miserable,

miserable and more.

And so we would drive, down 36th all the way to

wherever that technically was...

And you would meet these,

you know, the Mexican dudes, the cartel, Mexican cartel guys.

And we would,

give them $450 every three days

for about a year.

God...

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, it is.

And you haven't seen her since?

No, the last time I heard from her was Christmas Day.

I really thought I was going to marry her and

probably have kids and stuff, so

it’s sad, you know, I just--

I don't care about her past she had some

fucked up things that her past

and whatnot but I guess so do I in my own way, so

I can't really judge and I didn't, so

I thought I treated her really well.

Introducing her to heroin is not treating her well, Adrian.

But, I don’t mean like...

It’s not like what you think.

If I had never used...

black tar heroin out here with her

or in general

I would still be with her right now.

But um...

I don’t know where she is, or what’s going on...

Four months go by,

Adrian relapses.

He agrees to a five-week stay in a residential rehab facility outside Denver.

His mother and I are allowed to visit him for only a few hours

on only one day.

After he finishes his stint in rehab,

Adrian remains out west in a series of sober houses.

And he keeps filming.

This is something Adrian filmed in his apartment in Boulder.

Presumably for the documentary he's making about his struggles.

He forgot to turn on his microphone.

Adrian’s mother and I decide to bring him home for Thanksgiving

and try to persuade him to stay through Christmas.

His little sister will be able to see him for the first time in two years,

and he’ll finally be able to meet Hyun for the first time.

Off and on over the years, I've taken my kids to see Handel's Messiah.

In fact, the tradition began when Adrian

was still a few weeks from being born.

His mom and I went when she was pregnant.

and I could place my hand on her stomach, and

I could feel Adrian kicking rhythmically.

Now, here we are

twenty-seven years later.

We make an appointment for Adrian with a psychiatrist

who agrees to prescribe Suboxone,

a drug which inhibits opioid craving.

Adrian begins taking the medication.

Adrian seems glad enough to be back.

I take him to see a movie in the theater,

something we haven't done in years.

He fixes a salmon dinner for Hyun and me.

He visits his mom and his little sister.

He asks me to film him performing a vaping trick

he learned in Colorado.

Adrian now says he might decide to move back to Boston for good.

He's even made a list of apartments that he's planning to look at.

I'm quietly ecstatic.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, that's right, like these little pieces that are too long.

She cuts my hair sometimes.

No, I've never done that.

Yes, you have. No, I've never done that.

You trimmed it.

I think her memory is better than yours, Dad.

Maybe.

Don't trust me.

Did you ask him if he wanted a haircut?

Yes, he said yes.

With a pair of...

With a pair of scissors I can cut your hair.

Cut my hair?

Yeah. Cut my hair?

You think you could do a good job?

Yeah. You think you could do a good job?

Cut Dada’s hair, Adrian.

No!

A few days after Adrian died,

these flowers arrived sent by friends.

He had relapsed and overdosed

and died in our bathroom the day before Christmas.

Because he'd been taking Suboxone and seemed to be doing so well,

we were stunned.

The medical examiner later told us that it was fentanyl that had killed him.

At the time, I didn't even know what fentanyl was.

This startled me.

The movement in the screen of his phone.

It was just my own reflection but for a moment,

I kind of hallucinated that it was Adrian

trying to film me through the shattered glass

as if he were trapped just beneath the surface.

Adrian scribbled this note and left it here.

More a kind of note to himself I think.

The note is hard to read, so I'll read it.

I constantly live under a bleak, threatening

feeling of everything being out of place.

Feeling like there are multiple versions of myself almost.

The worry, the insecurity,

the discomfort is simply awful.

I believe that at my core,

I am not a pathetic drug addict.

However, I can guarantee you that anyone living in my head

would turn to any immediate way out.

The only actual hope of me slowly trying to move forward would be...

And then something was spilled here.

I can't really read it.

It goes on.

Amazing memories through skiing, traveling, and past life.

I so badly want to experience this side of life.

And then it becomes illegible.

Way up high

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Oh, why can't I?

What happened?

I think there's someone across the street who requires lots of medical care.

The night Adrian died, while I administered CPR,

Hyun had guided the ambulance down the driveway.

While the police were collecting information from me,

She had to watch helplessly as the EMTs continued to try to revive Adrian.

Every time this happens, I think about Adrian.

Me too.

This piano has been in my family for several generations.

It's also been in a few of my films.

It followed me from Charlotte to Boston.

And since then, it's followed me every time I've had to move.

And since I can't play it anymore due to a wrist injury,

it's become a kind of eight-hundred-pound albatross.

When I had to move yet again, I finally decided

that I'd had enough and I would give it away.

But Adrian asked me not to.

And now, Hyun plays it.

Adrian stayed with us for a month and a half.

He was my nephew's age, but

strangely I felt he was like my older brother

because he was very caring and thoughtful.

When you told him you were going to sell the piano, he said,

“No, Dad, don't sell the piano. I'm going to give it to my kids someday.”

He was imagining his future with his children.

A year after Adrian died,

the DEA Arrests dozens of dealers, and

charges them with possession of fentanyl.

It occurs to me, though the chances are slim,

that one of the men being arraigned could’ve actually had his hands on

a packet of fentanyl that was sold to my son.

Filming isn’t allowed in the courtroom

and I’m only able to get one shot off before the arraignment begins.

But as I watch the defendants come before the judge

one after the other,

I find myself wondering,

is he the one who sold fentanyl to my son?

As time goes by, I still have no idea what to do with the anger I feel

about losing Adrian.

Anger at China for exporting illicit fentanyl.

Anger at the Mexican cartels that distributed it.

Anger at the FDA for not regulating OxyContin,

which is how the whole opioid epidemic began.

Anger at my son for letting himself get sucked into this maelstrom.

Anger at myself for not recognizing how serious his psychological issues were,

and anger at myself for not having checked his bedroom

the night he died.

I only filmed three brief shots of you

during the month and a half that you stayed with us.

Filmed them casually.

Now that you're gone, sometimes these shots seem like a treasure.

But other times they opened up a black hole for me.

For a year after you died,

maybe longer,

I had no desire to pick up a camera.

I no longer knew what it meant to try to be a filmmaker.

I could only keep watching things you had filmed.

And as I did, I began seeing the world through your eyes.

And so I watch, and I watch.

I watched the footage you shot,

the footage I shot.

I keep watching.

But my fear now is that by looking at this footage over and over again,

things will slowly start shifting into making you seem

like a fictional character.

Someone who never existed

except on film.

The option rights for the various versions

of the “Sherman’s March” remake have lapsed.

No one had been able to figure out a satisfactory way to pull it off.

Then one day I receive a proposal

for an entirely different approach to an adaptation.

Yes, much better.

Again, we want to keep this drama right at one-thirty-four.

What are you saying there?

You're asking him a question.

How can you be a filmmaker?

Asking him that question.

All right, mean that question.

So glad to see you

You look right at him

So glad to see you

You look right at him for the first time

Hello Dede

I’m glad to meet you

Glad to meet you, too

Charleen has, to say the least

said a lot about you

Oh, and about you

Would you stop, would you stop?

Don’t touch the lens

Turn it off! This is important

This is not art, this is life!

Ross, that's what's wrong with you

You've got to be more passionate

How can you be a filmmaker

if you don't have passion?

I have plenty of passion

I don’t even know her

That doesn’t matter

I don’t know anything about her

What matters is the quality of your passion

So what that you don’t know her! That's not relevant.

So what that you don’t know her

That's not relevant

I can't help but wonder what you'd say about all this Adrian.

And if you were helping me film this,

would you have advised repositioning the camera?

Maybe, doing a few slow zooms?

I wonder what you would have said.

“That's a good shot.”

You were so passionate, Adrian.

You were passionate about everything.

Life is just...

so extraordinary in every way.

Everything I see is a surprise.

Look at the wall.

Those are just people that I used to know and still think of,

and most of them are dead.

But I still think about them and their brains.

I think about their brains still.

My father's up there on the wall.

My mother's up there on the wall.

My brothers and sisters are up there by the wall.

All my kids are on the wall.

And they come over to my house all the time.

And we have a rip-roaring good time.

Family is everything, I think.

The only person who's not still together in our family

is you.

And I think you're just amazing how you can

make something out of nothing.

That thing that I'm looking down into

is the ugliest thing I ever saw.

I mean, it's an ugly piece of equipment to me.

There's no beauty in it to me

because I don't understand it.

It looks at me and I can't see myself in it

and therefore, it's doubly ugly.

It’s just a piece of equipment that you've got to hold all the time

and look at me with a grin,

I can't see anything but you and I don't like this equipment.

Tell me about the dream you had, Adrian.

We went to this lake.

It was a cool, it was a beautiful, big lake

and we got in a submarine, I looked through the window

And I saw--

We started diving and...

I saw a giant squid, so three-dimensional

I thought it was real. It was amazing.

Were you scared?

No, not at first.

And then we went down a tunnel.

So it was very claustrophobic.

And I screamed,

“We’re losing air!”

And then...

I screamed, “We’re losing air!” in real life.

Like not in the dream.

But I screamed it, like really screamed it.

And then I woke up.

I'm so relieved to be alive.

Somehow, as a kid,

you became obsessed with giant squids.

When you were nine,

you wrote a poem about giant squids.

The poem goes like this:

When squids feed, there is love in the lead.

But when squids dive, love is just a try.

In some ways, the poem doesn't really make sense.

But in other ways it does, at least for me.

I hope you knew, Adrian

that no matter how deep you dived,

I never stopped loving you.