Original subtitles

- Mmm. - Mmm.

Oh, baby.

Ooh.

- Oh, yeah! - Okay.

- That's good shit, man. Whoo-hoo! - Wow.

Yeah, dude! Very nice.

I gotta say, as a sales rep, I don't usually see

quite that level of enthusiasm.

- Nope! - Yeah, so we crack open some more?

- Yeah. - You want me to open another case?

- Yeah. - Yes!

We only had 12, dude, so, you know - Yeah, I feel like

- we're just sort of revving our engines. - Yeah.

People usually just sample the one and then they'll they'll buy the rest.

- Yeah, yeah. - Usually.

- That's not us, so - Yeah.

Well, I'm thrilled you guys like the product.

- You have made believers out of us. - Absolutely.

- It's great. - I don't have to tell you guys

how hard it's been for the bar business these days.

- Oh, my God. Oh, wow. - You don't have to tell us. It's crazy.

- People aren't drinking like they used to. - They're not.

Well, people are pussies. What can we say?

I'm just happy you guys are stoked on the product.

I really think that Shallow Shade Lager could be

a really big draw here at Paddy's Pub.

- Yeah. Tell us more about this - Tell us more about it.

Okay, uh, it's brewed locally right here in Philly.

- Like that. - Uh-huh.

Uses all natural ingredients for a crisp, clean taste.

- Nice. - Eighty calories per bottle.

- Oh, yeah. I like that. - Stay fit.

And best of all, obviously, it is nonalcoholic.

- Nonalcoholic. - Look who's got a dry sense of humor.

- Yeah, look at him. - Nonalcoholic.

What's the alcohol content though, for real?

It's-It's none, it's zero.

None.

You're gonna want to get out of here because...

- Get the hell out of here. - Get out.

Somebody's gonna You think we're joking, but we're not.

- Why's he standing there? - I drank this, man!

Get out!

I drank this shit, man! Get out of here!

- Get! - Get him, Dee!

- You piece of shit! - Get! Go!

Go! Go!

It's crazy to me, you know, because they taste the same,

but they just don't work the same, you know?

- No. - Right.

It's official. The war on alcohol has finally come to our shores.

- No! - Damn.

- How did we not see this coming? - We got caught flat-footed.

I mean this thing's been coming for a long time though.

- It's been coming for us. - They're taking the booze out of beer.

They take the tobacco out of cigarettes.

They're taking the meat out of burgers.

They took out cocaine out of Coca-Cola.

Yeah, there was cocaine in there. Right? Yeah.

I, for one, I'm sick of it.

I feel like we need to remind people that alcohol is good for us.

- Yeah, exactly. - Dude, it's great for us.

- It's a wonderful thing. - It's, like, one of the main food groups.

Back in my day, a bar was the only place

where people from all walks of life could come together.

Yeah.

I mean, you had roofers drinking with brain surgeons.

Whites, Blacks, Ricans, 'malans, 'zuelans.

- Yeah. Everyone's toge... - No Asians.

- No? - They kept to themselves.

Couldn't get them to mix, huh?

- It's a private, inner circle. - Sort of like an allergy.

- They avoided us. - Well, yeah.

Alcohol is the glue that sort of binds us all together.

- It's like the society's glue. - Yes!

- A great unifier is what it is. - It is, exactly.

Exactly. I tell you what we should do.

We should go down to that big office building down the block

and go up there and recruit some suits to come to Paddy's happy hour.

- Oh, hey. That's a good idea. - Oh, that's a good idea.

Get that vibe going again. Get people hammered at lunchtime, you now?

Charlie, why don't you and I go to the factory?

We round up some blue-collar workers so we've got all of our bases covered?

We'll go blue-collar, and you go white-collar.

- We'll bring them together. - We'll get them all.

- Nice. Smart. - It's the great unifier, really, alcohol.

All right. Let's fight back in this war.

What kind of business did you say this was?

- Directory said it was a marketing agency. - Oh.

Okay, that's exactly the type of clientele we need

to be getting at Paddy's, you know what I mean? Fancy suits,

fancy ties, power lunches and shit, you know?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That being said, I'm not seeing anybody in this office,

so I don't know what's happening.

- Yeah. - Here we go. Hey, hi, do you work here?

Uh, I'm an intern. My name's Darren.

Uh, well, Darren where is everybody?

Everybody mostly works remote these days.

They only come in for, like, important meetings.

Do you guys work here?

- Yes. - Yes, we do.

- Yeah. - Yep, we're, uh, in marketing.

- Marketing. - Oh, great. Hey, that's great.

If you guys need anything at all, just please let me know.

- Wonderful. - Yes, we got it, Darren. Thank you.

- Thanks, Darren. - Thanks.

See, guys, this is exactly the problem.

Nobody's going into bars, nobody's going into offices.

It's all connected.

- Work and alcohol should be intertwined. - Oh, yeah.

I mean, when I was working, I would come into the office, pour myself a drink,

take a few meetings, goose the secretary, go to lunch,

have a few more drinks, and come back.

You know, work, drink, goose, then go back to the bar

until I got drunk enough to tolerate my family.

I mean, home was where you never wanted to be.

- Yeah, we remember. - Yeah, we we're your kids.

- Yeah. - So we were there.

- Right. - That being said, you know, I do I think

we could take advantage of this situation here.

Hear me out. What if we were to use this space to,

like, create an ad of our own,

you know, that could deliver our message to the masses?

Oh.

- Right? - Like Got Milk?

- But for booze. - Yes, exactly.

Okay, but hear me out here.

If we're going to be singing the virtues of alcohol,

- I feel we should also be drinking it. - And wearing suits.

- And smoking. - Yes!

- And smoking. - Come on.

I think we're headed in the right direction here. This is good.

Now the last thing we want in our bar is a bunch of eggheads.

- No nerds. - No nerds.

Let's get in there. Let's find some hulking beefcakes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, dude, dude, I gotta stop you before we go in.

I'm a little concerned about this look, like, what's going on here, man?

All the beefcakes are going to be dressed like this, dude.

- Really? - Yeah, they're gonna want their torsos

to breathe on account of the molten lava.

Wait, dude.

Is this one of those factories with a giant vat of lava in the middle?

Every single industrial warehouse in this city

is harnessing the power of molten lava to melt steel.

Dude, I knew that, and I totally forgot about it.

- What's with the bag? - Oh. Okay, yeah, good.

So I was figuring at some point they're going to blow a loud whistle,

we're all going to break off.

We're gonna eat our lunches on a giant beam,

suspended thousands of feet above the city.

You know what I mean?

Goddamn it, Charlie,

- that is brilliant. - I know.

And I didn't bring lunch, and that's exactly what's gonna happen.

No, no, I brought you a sandwich, yeah.

- You did? - I made sandwiches for all the boys.

Make sure you play it tough.

You got to prepare yourself for what we're about to walk into, dude.

It is gonna to be dark, it is gonna be steamy,

it is gonna be loud, and it is gonna be hot.

- Yeah, you're right. You're right. - So let's bow up.

- And let's try to fit in. - All right.

Youse want some sandwiches? Let's go.

Fellas, got sandwiches.

What the shit is this?

It's bright as hell in here, dude.

Yeah. And freezing.

And where's the Where's the lava vats?

Where are the muscular men that I was promised?

I see one dude, but he doesn't look very muscular at all.

His collar is white. This is all very confusing.

Yeah, a white-collar guy. Let's just talk to him.

- Let's go. - Okay.

Excuse me. Hey, sir.

Yeah, hi Sorry to bother you, but, like, um, where's the lava?

Lava?

Yeah, and the muscular men who bend your steel?

Yeah, do you have a room with, like, flying sparks and you know, like

Crashing and bashing and most importantly, glistening muscles.

Yeah, like, where is everybody, dude?

Well, most of the manufacturing has been automated

and whatever can't be done by robots has been outsourced to China, so

I'm having a hard time picturing muscular Chinamen bending steel.

Yeah, you know what, I just Because I associate the Chinese

with speed and agility more than, like...

I would think more Korean or Filipino to be in this...

- Yeah, but just not pure brute strength. - Not pure brute strength.

I'm sorry, guys, can I help you?

No, no, I don't think so.

We're looking for a more blue-collar-type man for our bar.

Well, yeah, we're doing We're bringing back the whole,

like, drinking happy hour lunch break thing at our bar, so

I could I could come.

Yeah, I could really use the company.

Question though, you guys have nonalcoholic beers?

- Weirdly, yeah, we do actually, but... - Fantastic.

You don't really fit the profile, is what I'm saying.

Yeah. Oh, dude! Yeah, you probably have to, like,

be, like, doing more push-ups and stuff

just to build the physique that he's going for.

Oh, and plus you have to, like, run this whole factory,

since you're the only guy here, you know?

Actually, I can monitor all the machines from an app on my phone.

Yeah, you can automate any business.

Oh, that's-that's so so lame - Cool. You can automate stuff now.

- That's really lame. - That's exciting. Yeah...

- Okay, how many push-ups do you want? - - Oh.

- Okay, how many push-ups do you want? - Oh. - What's this guy's deal? - I

- What's this guy's deal? - I

- I've been doing P90X since I was five. - Have you? Yeah.

I think you just get kind of weird working alone all day.

Yeah, hey, you're good actually.

- That's-That's fine. - Yeah?

That's Yeah, that's-that's good.

Okay. He's the best we got.

All right, come on, dude. What's your name?

- Oh, my name is Mitch. - Okay, Mitch. Let's... Let's roll.

All right, so we need to come up with an ad

that's gonna get people excited about drinking in bars again, right?

So, why don't we start with a little word association, right?

I'll start. Um, alcohol.

Delicious.

- Uh, refreshing. - Uh-huh, classy.

- Delicious. - We already did that one, Frank.

People hate words.

The first rule of advertising is show, don't tell.

- What if we came up with a mascot? - - Mmm.

Like when we were kids, we started smoking because a cartoon camel

in a very cool black leather jacket told us it was cool.

- A mascot could work. - Yeah.

- How about a worm? - Huh?

Well, too slimy.

- Yeah. - Porcupine?

Too prickly.

Penguin?

Well, now a penguin I like.

- A penguin could wear a tuxedo. - Mm-hmm.

- And a Rolex. - Yes!

Rolling down the highway in an Alfa Romeo,

drink in one hand, babe in the other, I like this.

Dee, write it down.

- You're on fire. Yeah. - Yeah.

No, why would I write it down?

Why not? We're spinning gold here.

Somebody's got to write it down.

- Yeah. Write it down, Dee. - Okay, well, I'm not your secretary.

- Why would I be the one to write it down? - You're the woman.

It's bad enough we can't bang or goose shit.

- Yeah. - Frank, it's not the '50s anymore, okay?

- Women are equal now. - Okay, Dee.

No one's saying that you're not equal, okay?

You have just as much say as us.

- Thank you. - Okay, so why don't we put it to a vote?

Who wants Dee to be the secretary?

Oh, goddamn it. No, you know what? Screw you guys.

No, forget it.

Big old wide, empty office. I'm gonna take full advantage of it.

Big old wide, empty office. I'm gonna take full advantage of it. Okay, well, good riddance.

Okay, well, good riddance.

Worst secretary I ever had.

Yeah, so your customers can just tap their card,

use their phone, tip, and help themselves all while you are out.

- It's impressive. I'll give you that. - Yeah.

There you go. There's a beer for you and a nonalcoholic for me.

- Yeah. - So, yeah.

You want anything else without the main ingredient in it?

Want a water with no hydrogen?

You can never make water with no hydrogen.

I'm gonna fucking smash this guy across his head. I-I can't. I mean

Yeah, you All hydrants have water in them, dude.

Come on, dude. Let's-Let's go talk to our-our-our buddies.

What's with that dude?

Oh, he's he's like a nerd factory worker.

It's the best we could find, man.

He's automating the bar, whatever that means.

Better than a monkey.

Yeah, at least that thing can't stick its dick in our mouths.

A monkey did do that.

But the whole thing about the monkey we can forget.

- Yeah, I forget the mon Hey, yo! - It comes into my mind,

every once in a while.

- Oh, yeah, that monkey. - It does.

I wake up in the night sometimes, just terrified thinking about the monkey.

We all caught something from that monkey, right?

Like, everybody I was sick for days, dude.

- I was sick for days. - I know.

Uh, hey, how'd it go at the office building?

- Total ghost town. - No one there?

Dude, no one's at the factory either.

- He's the only guy working there. - Really?

- He's the only guy working there. - Really? They're taking the alcohol out of booze and the workers out of the workplace.

They're taking the alcohol out of booze and the workers out of the workplace.

Yeah, and there's no lava in the factories anymore. It's just crazy.

Lava was our most important American export.

That's why we took over Hawaii.

Yeah, I don't know about that, but, you know, Frank and I

have been working on, like, a little ad to get people back into bars.

- Oh, okay. - Okay, yeah.

- Advertising, we didn't think about that. - That's lunch.

- Oh, is that lunch? - It's lunch time.

- Yeah, lunch is over. - We gotta get back to work.

That's lunch. All right, bottoms up, boys.

All right, let's go.

Oh.

- Please come in. - You wanted to see me?

Mm-hmm.

I was hoping you could fill me up.

Bend over over there, get it done.

- Just in the shaker, I'm assuming. - Yeah.

Do a little splash. Smells like you already got...

Whoa!

You just got goosed, my friend.

Oh, is that for me?

Yeah, nice and stiff, just like mama likes.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you believe women, Derrick?

- It's, uh, it's D It's Darren. - Mm-hmm.

Well, believe me when I say, I'ma break your dick off.

What are you doing?

- I'm putting you to work. - I don't

- Um, I don't think that I can do this. - Why not? Why can't you do it?

Oh, because I have, um

- I have low T. - You got a little D?

- No, no. - I don't love it, but I can twerk with it.

Low testosterone.

It's-It's-It's really common amongst men my age, actually.

- What are you, like, 20? - Also, I'm in a relationship.

What?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, Derrick, no, there-there's been a misunderstanding.

You see, I'm your boss.

This is about power.

I'm about to wield mine.

Ug, chug, chug, chug!

Attaboy, Mitchell!

- These nonalcoholic beers are great. - They're good, right?

Are you sure they're nonalcoholic?

I could swear that I'm feeling tipsy.

Yeah, right. Well, I think that's just your mind playing tricks on you, man.

'Cause it's actually impossible, uh, to get drunk off of these.

All right, you know what, why don't you, like,

push a bunch of buttons and see if you can work up a sweat?

Then later maybe you can pop your shirt off

for my boy, cause he needs a win, man. You can see it in his eyes, right?

- Deal. - There's a sadness there.

All right, push the buttons! Mitch, go, go, go!

I'm gonna go find him. Keep drinking, all right?

Chug, chug, chug!

Yo, Mac, yo. Ah, hey, dude. Good news, man.

I spiked this NA beer with alcohol and Mitch is getting wasted, dude.

I think we can maybe mold this guy into what we need.

- You want one of these? - Yeah, absolutely.

I'm just going through some of these old employee files.

Okay, cool, yeah.

Wait a second, I think we found our man.

That's our guy! Buck Longwood.

What a name and what a man.

- Cool. Yeah, he looks tough. Yeah, sure. - Yeah.

Tough? Tough doesn't even begin to describe it, Charlie.

This is the kind of man that built America.

- Sure. - He could handle molten lava.

He could manipulate hard things with his bare hands.

We owe these men everything. We gotta find him.

Right.

But to, like, just drink in our bar, right?

Well, to whatever, Charlie. Let's not limit it. I mean, once we

I'm telling you, I want to limit it to just dudes drinking in the bar.

You don't think that the men that built America

deserve exactly what it is that they want?

Yes, it's what you want.

But we don't know what Buck wants until we get Buck.

Yeah, I got a hunch Buck and you don't want the same thing, buddy.

I don't know. Let's go find Buck.

Well, he's better than what's his name.

- Yeah, All right. I - What is that?

Speaking of Mitch Uh-oh, he's in trouble. Come on, come on.

- Hey, whoa! - Guys, come here.

What's going on here?

Oh, my God, my tie got stuck in the machine.

Oh, yeah, well, that's why you don't wear a tie at a factory, right, Mitch?

Is that why you don't wear a tie to a factory, Mitch?

This guy See? He's loosening up. He's getting cooler.

Hey, do me a favor. Press that button there. It should reverse it.

- This one? - Okay.

Oh.

That was close.

It's not terrible.

It's really not that bad.

Are you serious?

Oh, Frankie baby.

- Yeah? - Mmm.

This is gonna blow people's minds, man. This is how you

This is how you market some shit right here.

We're out of vermouth.

- Oof, that's not good. - No, look.

Yeah, I see it.

Okay, let's go over to Dee's office.

She's got some vermouth in there.

- Oh. Okay. - We can make a martini.

- Envy. I want some. - Mmm.

Okay.

- Let's go, baby. - Let's do it.

The night is young.

- What you talking about? - It's daytime.

What is-What is this?

Ooh.

- Who the hell are these people? - I don't know.

Are we on the right floor?

- I don't know. - What's going on here right now?

Oh, we're about to get started.

Come on, they said they need everybody now, actually.

Let's get started. Okay.

- Go ahead. - Okay.

Let's get started, shall we?

Great to have everyone back in the office for a change.

I'm so excited to hear what you've all been working on.

So, um, who wants to go first?

Uh, how about those two?

Great.

Gentlemen, the floor is yours.

Ah.

Actually, uh

We're not, like, 100% ready to present just yet.

Yeah, it's still in the gestation period.

- We're just we're still gestating. - Yeah, that's fine.

Just give us the broad strokes of what you have so far.

Uh, you can use that cable there to plug in.

- Uh, just where we're at right now? - - Mmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, cool. Uh, we can do that, yeah.

Frank, do you wanna take this one? I feel like you got...

No, you got it.

- You want me to s - Yeah, you-you-you-you do it.

Kinda want you to say it. All right, I'll say it.

- You do it. - All right, I got it.

Very well, then.

Um

This is just where we're at right now.

- Okay. - Great.

Mm-hmm.

- Earth. - Mmm.

Our home, cradle of life.

Beautiful from a distance,

but up close, it can be

overwhelming, chaotic, scary, even.

And yet, through it all, we don't falter.

Yeah.

- We remain composed - Mm-hmm.

- Sophisticated - Mmm.

Powerful.

And not because it's easy. It's not easy.

Mmm.

But because we have support.

It doesn't judge us.

Doesn't talk back.

It waits patiently.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Not too sweet, but not too bitter.

- Hmm. - Smooth.

It's reliable.

Ladies and gentlemen

I present to you the perfect secretary.

Mm-hmm.

Ah.

W-What is this?

What? Look at that. Are you kidding?

- Yeah. - That's it.

You know, it's still a work in progress, but, I mean

We're still tinkering around the edges.

- Yeah, we're tinkering. - I'm sorry, who are you guys?

- Eh - Uh, we're we're in marketing.

- Markets, yeah. - Yeah, so am I.

So is everyone at this meeting. This is a marketing agency.

You know what, this is all really good feedback

and very helpful, 'cause, you know, we're

Like I said, we're still gesticulating, so we're gonna go, uh,

ideate on this on some lunch. You-You wanna get some lunch?

- I'm hungry. - I'm starving.

Me too. You can't do these things when you're hungry.

- Starving. - Thank you. We'll, uh

- Okay. - We're gonna see you guys on the next one.

We'll be back.

Men, am I right?

- Are you drinking? - I am.

- Are you employed here? - I am not.

In fact, I'm gonna hit the road too, okay?

Enough!

Your tongue is as useless as your pecker.

You missed literally everything.

Wow, wow. Sorry. I'm sorry.

She said that I had to do it.

Part of my job.

Sorry.

What is happening?

Is this where he lives?

That's what the file says.

Okay, uh, hey, dude, are we sure we wanna be inviting, like,

the trailer park crowd into the bar, you know what I mean? Like...

Charlie, America turned its back on this guy

and he lost his job through no fault of his own, right?

It is our national duty to invite him to our bar.

- Now! - I guess so.

How do I look?

What do you mean?

Do I look hot?

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Longwood, do you mind if we come in?

Who's asking?

We're not from the government or anything, and we're not trying to sell you anything.

We just wanna see if you wanna come to our bar for a drink.

Yeah. Actually, see, we work at the factory you used to work at.

The factory, huh?

It ain't the same.

- No. It's not the same. - Well, no

Nothing is the same anymore.

- The factory sucks now, dude. - Yeah.

There-There-There's a war on workers. There's a war on booze.

There's a war on the entire American way of life.

The American lifestyle. The American lifestyle, yeah.

And we wanna go back to the way it was, which is why we wanna invite you down

to our bar for a drink on us and whatever it is you wanna do with me.

Oh, no, that was good. You said enough. You can stop right there.

Shit. Why not?

- Okay. All right, man, cool. - Okay, that was great.

I'm in.

- Oh, shit! - No, no!

- No! Goddamn! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

- No! Goddamn! - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Sorry. I'm so sorry. We didn't mean to scream.

We didn't mean to scream.

I didn't mean to say no, but no.

- Yeah. - It's okay. It happens.

- Does it happen? - Does it happen too often?

- I bet it happens. - I bet it does, 'cause that's gruesome.

When you go like this and people don't see half,

and then you do one of those, it's - Yeah.

You know, you gotta give a guy a heads-up, but

- Yeah, 'cause - So, how did that happen?

Lava accident.

- Oh. - Ooh.

That's a shame.

Was it the company's fault?

No. It was mine.

Drinking on the job.

Were you drinking and you

- and you were doing the lava? - Probably don't wanna be doing that.

You don't wanna be drinking and doing - That's a bad combo.

So, where we boys headed? I'll grab my chair.

Grab your chair? This is your chair. Um - No.

Yeah, no, we're gonna just go.

Yeah, we're gonna run and you can't run, so

Yeah, we're gonna run and you can't run, so We don't have a ramp, and we weren't expecting you to be all burned up.

We don't have a ramp, and we weren't expecting you to be all burned up.

- Oh, shit. I shouldn't have said that. - No, don't say that.

- This is the wrong guy - We got it wrong.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, I don't think he's in the military.

- Yeah. - Sorry about that and, uh, have a good

- Yeah. - Time.

Sorry, Buck.

- Well, this was a total bust. - Yeah.

It's terrible, you know?

Times have changed.

- The workplace has become a nightmare. - Yeah.

They've taken the T out of the men.

My intern was useless.

Could not get that engine started.

All right, well, now, this is interesting. According to this machine,

we actually made a shit ton in sales today.

What? How? We were barely even here.

They even bought a bunch of the NA

They mostly bought the NA beer.

They charged it to the machine. We made a lot of money.

Maybe we're thinking about this whole thing wrong.

Maybe we should embrace a more modern workplace environment,

like more remote work, you know?

One thing is for sure, we should stop drinking in the workplace,

'cause we know that can only lead to bad things.

Yeah, that-that can be bad.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Right. - Mm-hmm.

- Mmm. - Or

- Hey. - See you later.

- Bye. Bye. - Adios.

- See you later, you piece of shit. - Oh, my God.

- Bastard. - Let's go get a real beer.

- Ass. - Let's get a real beer.

- Ass. - Let's get a real beer.