Original subtitles

Aunt Ada: Crime.

Everyone loves a bit of crime.

Whether you're hooked by a true-crime podcast

on your commute...

...trying to plot the next bestselling whodunnit...

...or indeed tuning in to watch

the latest gruesome murder mystery

on your television...

Casting Assistant: Tuppence? Tuppence Cowley?

Aunt Ada: ...crime is big business...

...and, these days...

...everyone is a detective.

We've missed you.

Sorry.

- Hey. - Mate.

- You brought it. - Yes.

Lifesaver.

The photographer we hired just, er,

stacked it over a croquet mallet and broke both his elbows.

Mm, it's all going wrong already.

Babe, it's all okay.

Today's perfect.

You are perfect.

You're lucky I still have the equipment.

Much appreciated.

Oh, congrats, by the way.

I absolutely love the, er-- the theme.

Yeah, all Alice's idea.

She thought that it would help us stand out on the 'gram.

Her followers are brutal.

Aww, so cute you guys get to catch up.

Erm, I just wanted to check

you can actually start taking some photos?

And I will need sign off, yeah?

Yes, absolutely.

Oh, my God.

I went to Uni with the groom.

Wow, that is really... embarrassing.

Ooh, yes, please.

Thank you, babe.

Mm.

God, these are hideous.

Oh.

No, you know what? I'm-- I'm gonna have another.

There's no way anyone should be sober for this.

- Oh. - Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Sebastian, light of my life.

Look, look. Here. Have this. Have this. Have this.

Oh, erm, Alice wants you. Photos.

- Sorry. - Okay.

Keep these coming, yeah?

So proud of you, sweetheart.

The perfect couple.

Waste of bloody money.

Alice, you look amazing.

Tati, you look great, too.

See you met my father-in-law, then?

Yeah, he's, erm...

Actually, pretty solid when sober.

He owns this massive development company.

He's letting me lead on the big, new project.

I'll finally be a real grown-up.

Whatever happened to teaching kids football?

That's a hobby, not a career.

We need to go over the first dance one more time.

The paso doble to Ed Sheeran.

I was born ready.

Okay.

Come on, then.

All a father wants is for his princess is to have it all.

So when Alice told me

that she'd finally met her match,

I, of course, was over the moon.

And so it's a-- it's a huge welcome to Bingo.

Let's hope he knows what he's let himself in for,

because it's too late to back out now, isn't it, mate?

Whoo-hoo!

So please raise your glasses.

To Alice and to Bingo, and may they have a long

and beautiful life together.

- Here, here. - Alice and Bingo.

- Alice and Bingo. - Whoo!

Ladies and Gentlemen,

please make your way to the dance floor

and proceed to dance until dawn!

Huzzah!

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Get your hands off me!

I know it's you.

I'm gonna ruin you, Plain fucking Jane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah? And I'll tell them.

I'll tell them all right now.

Hey, you guys okay?

Yes. Fine.

Perfect.

No, no. No, no. No!

- Oh, my-- - Shit.

I'm so sorry. I'm so--

No, no. It's okay.

Tuppence.

Tuppence Cowley.

It is you.

What are-- What are the chances?

That I'd bump into an ex dressed like this?

- Gosh. - Gosh.

It's nice to see you.

- Yeah, and you. It's-- - It's been...?

A really long time. Are we a bit old?

I think we're old.

Well, how come you're here? Wha--

I didn't know you stayed in touch with Bingo.

No, I haven't. I'm doing a favour for a friend.

It's her catering company.

Cool.

Are you-- Are you a photographer?

Er, it's a favour.

I'm just doing a favour for Bingo.

I write crime novels now as my real job.

Oh.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

Tommy, your face. I, obviously, know that.

You're a literary pop star.

Erm, and you? I mean your-- you live in America now, right?

Yeah, erm, I'm here just doing some auditions and stuff.

Well, you were always destined for greatness, Cowley.

I don't know how long you're in town for, but...

...I don't know, we could maybe grab a drink, catch up?

Erm...

I think that maybe some things are...

better left in the past, Tommy Beresford.

Erm, sorry, I should, erm...

Ah, here. Here, let me.

No, no, no, you don't have to.

Yeah.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Hello?

Are you okay in there?

Oh.

Hey.

Cocktail girl.

Oh, God.

Is this the bit where I say, "He's so not worth it"?

It's complicated.

Well...

you are talking to the person

they invented that phrase around.

It's his wedding.

Oh, you-- you and Bingo?

And you're married, as well.

Yep.

But Seb doesn't really notice much.

Oh, I can't find my phone.

Oh, er, here.

Why don't you use mine to call it?

Yeah.

I just need to speak to him.

You know, he said cloakroom at midnight.

Fuck.

Well, it's nearly midnight now.

Oh, shit.

Erm, just...

Just be careful. Yeah?

You're sweet, er...?

Tuppence.

Tatiana.

See you.

Did-- Did we hire real flamingos for this?

Er, no.

There are some plastic ones outside.

Yes.

I said I'll sort it.

Tatiana won't mess up like this again.

Finally.

I've missed you.

Tommy. Tommy.

Please, please. She's hurt. Sh-- She's hurt.

She's-- She's in-- in-- in-- in-- in the cloakroom.

Oh, sorry.

Tatiana.

Oh, my God.

I'm gonna go get you some help, okay?

- Just hold on. - W-Wait.

Bingo... did it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Stay. S-S-Stay.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

No. Help!

Some--

- Help! - Tuppence?

- Oh, my God. - No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

This better be good.

I was rewatching the Crufts final, 2023.

Erm, the one with the, er--

Bichon frise, which is just not a dog, in my opinion.

Right. What have we got?

Can you tell my boss, DI Merriot,

what you just told me, please?

Er, she said-- Tatiana said just before she died, erm--

she said, er...

that Bing-- that Bingo did it.

Hm?

Let's go.

- Wait. What? - What?

- Hang-- Hang on. - Sir.

Wait. What are you doing?

I-- I-- I haven't done anything.

DI Merriot: You're being taken to the station

- under caution for questioning. - What's happening?

What? No. Get off him.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Alice, listen to me.

- Stop. - Get off him.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - What the fuck did you do?

- Oi. - Huh?

Take him somewhere quiet.

It's alright.

Please, please. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy.

I-I didn't do anything.

I was just trying to help.

I didn't do anything.

- I didn't do anything. - DI Merriot: Hey, you.

Wedding photographer, I presume?

We'll need that memory card.

Drunk witnesses, desperate influencer,

an insanely rich dad.

Yeah, that bichon frise is gonna have to wait.

If we haven't spoken to you yet, please do not leave.

Everyone else can go.

We need those clothes.

Have you, erm-- have you got something

you can change into?

Er, yes. Yeah.

Yeah. And is there someone who can take you home?

- Er... - I can.

- Er... - Okay.

Take care.

Thanks.

Erm...

I think maybe that-- that drink would be really great.

I know the perfect place.

Er, not sure I'm up for breaking and entering after murder.

I have keys.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

I've really missed the smell of a British pub.

Oi. I've just mopped that bit.

Oops.

Oh, go on, then. Who's this one?

This is Tuppence. Tuppence, meet Albert,

my neighbour and the landlady

of the best pub in London, The Lady Albert.

Lovely to meet you.

Right.

Well...

I'll leave you to your nightcap,

which you'll be paying for.

Good night, Albert.

Whisky?

Yeah, please.

If I remember correctly...

...you prefer Scotch over Irish.

Yeah.

So, erm, a novelist, photographer, bartender?

I own one of the flats upstairs.

This is just one of the perks.

- You own a flat in Hampstead? - Mm-hmm.

I guess crime-writing does pay.

It's not exactly a penthouse in the Californian hills

Mm.

My aunt sold me the flat.

Family rates.

I mean, I'm crashing with Constance,

so, you know, no judgement here.

Ah.

How is your terrifying sister?

Oh, she's still absolutely terrifying.

She just as two kids now.

Mm.

Sorry about tonight.

Do-- Can I-- Can I use your shower?

Is that okay?

Of course.

"Write better ending!!!"

Yeah.

It's my next book,

which is...

taking longer than the others.

Nothing's ever as good as that first one.

You just keep chasing it.

This place is, like, a vintage haven.

Yeah.

- My Aunt Ada used to live here. - Mm.

She ran her own company.

I think I remember you mentioning her.

"Blunt's Brilliant Detectives."

Like a private detective agency?

Yep.

Really?

That's pretty cool.

Mm.

Where is she now?

She's in a retirement community,

I think she was lonely.

Do you think he really did it?

- Murdered Tatiana? - Yeah.

I mean it's--

It's Bingo Masters. It's the guy who--

Shagged a bollard for a dare in fresher's week.

Exactly.

They were having an affair.

Tatiana told me.

They were supposed to be meeting at midnight.

- Whoa. - Mm.

Okay.

Yeah, I would never have guessed that.

I mean, maybe Tatiana was gonna tell Alice?

Which would ruin the wedding and ruin Bingo's...

...big business deal with Alice's dad.

Which is what you would call... motive.

I really thought I knew him.

And yet, something doesn't really feel right.

Now you sound like my Aunt Ada.

Yeah, she-- she was scared.

Tatiana. She was really scared.

Listen, you know you can stay here tonight if you want.

If you don't wanna be alone.

I'd really like that, actually.

Thank you.

Of course.

In L.A., this is a mortal sin.

Mm.

Can I, er, help with that?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Yeah.

Mm. Mm.

Sleep okay?

Not a wink, you?

No.

- Anyway... - Mm-hmm?

I...found a clue.

Or, like, a lead.

Uh-huh.

Tatiana-- she has a troll.

And by the looks of things, proper weirdo.

- Sorry. - If you look here.

Sorry.

Erm, on the profile,

everyone's, like, "R.I.P.," "Love you, my angel,"

and then there's this person-- "Rot in hell."

Are you saying we should go to the police or...?

Well, I mean they all think it was Bingo.

I mean, you told them it was Bingo.

Exactly. I know it's on me,

I just-- I really wanna be sure.

I thought that maybe we could...

look into it?

Mm. Okay.

I'm impressed.

Okay, so it's-- it's an idea, this troll thing, but...

Look, she goes by PlainJaneKnows.

Wait. Why's that familiar?

Hang on.

Let me look at the photos.

Mm.

But I thought the police took your camera.

What they failed to realise, and what I didn't tell them,

is that my camera...

starts directly transferring to the cloud

if there's a nearby Wi-Fi signal.

Okay.

Tatiana called this person here "Plain Jane" something.

I think I might know where to find her.

You're sure about this?

I am a trained actor.

Trust me.

They will not speak to us unless we stink of privilege.

And so you're pretending to be a German rock star?

Deejay, actually.

And you are gonna be my assistant, Andrei.

- Mm-hmm. - And, remember,

whenever you're improvising, it's always, "Yes and..."

- Got it? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes. Right.

Ah, guten tag.

I have appointment with, er, Lina Weaver.

Mm. Mm.

Lina, there's a person here for you.

No idea.

German?

Ah, Miss Weaver.

Er, you show me the biggest penthouse today, ja?

Yes, and... what she said, please.

All viewings are cancelled.

Hm. Andrei, call the head of this company and complain.

- I've literally only this hour. - Mm-hmm.

I make a viral video about bad service

to my many millions of followers.

Hallo, meine lieben.

Ich moechte euch ueber meine schreckliche Erfahrung

mit "Simon Dalvey Associates" alles erzaehlen.

Buh-uh.

Oh, well, fine.

Follow me.

Hmm. Good.

Danke.

Here we go.

Danke.

This is the, er, fifth-floor penthouse suite.

As you'll see, we're still in the early construction phase.

Er, this will eventually house

- the penthouse's private lift... - Aw, fuck.

...for your optimum security.

Ja, it's... small but good.

Yes, and, erm, it is, er--

it's very high up, which is-- which is rather terrifying, ja?

This is my, er, favourite element, the sky terrace,

a place to have your morning coffee

and take in the beautiful view.

Any questions so far?

Oh, I'm just so happy you show us round

when bad things to your company happen.

Your poor colleague.

Oh.

Yeah, it's been a huge shock to us all.

But you must be super sad.

You knew her, or...?

This is ridiculous.

You're reporters, right?

- Journalists? - Ah, thank God.

Can we go downstairs, right now please?

Yeah, you can get out before I call security.

No, no, no, no. We're not journalists.

We are private detectives.

Right. Sure.

You're also trespassing, and I have an actual job to do.

We know your secret, Plain Jane.

Yeah.

Tatiana. I-I heard her last night.

She called you Plain Jane.

Ah, the photographer. So what?

- It doesn't mean anything. - Doesn't it?

Because we think she finally realised

that you were her troll, PlainJaneKnows.

This is stupid. You need to leave.

Just answer our questions, and we won't--

we won't take this to the police.

She had connected the dots. We had an argument. End of.

And you got rid of her because she threatened to expose you.

You think I killed her

because of some crap I said on Instagram?

What you said was pretty nasty. it was criminal--

I was angry, okay? She took the piss.

Just because she was Simon's favourite,

she thought she could literally fuck around.

- What? - Yeah, I caught her once

doing it-- with Bingo.

That's what you meant last night,

that you could tell Alice at any point about the affair

and... get Tatiana fired?

No point. Alice already told her dad

to fire her multiple times when she worked here,

but he wouldn't.

So Alice knew about the affair, but she married Bingo, anyway?

You'd have to ask her.

Maybe she hated how much

her dad clearly preferred Tatiana.

Besides... I-I-I have an alibi

I was in an Uber, going home when it happened.

Huh.

Hm. Er...

Simon.

Yes, er, I'm coming now.

This viewing is over.

That was amazing.

The way you were like, "Plain Jane!"

Mic drop.

Since when did you speak German?

Erm, I did a German horror film

that might've been a porn film.

- Ah. - Let's not talk about it.

Hello, is that Uber customer services?

Yeah, I think I left my bag in one of your cars.

Lina Weaver.

Erm, it was-- it was around midnight

from Gossington House.

- What are you doing? - Checking the alibi.

Yeah, the driver, er, went by the name of Marco,

reg ending X-U-G.

Great. If you could ask him to call me back on this number,

that would be brilliant.

Thank you.

Tommy, you realise this changes everything, right?

- Mm. - Like...

if Alice knew about the affair,

then Bingo had no motive to kill Tatiana.

Maybe. Maybe.

But, no, no, wait. We're not-- We're not actually doing this.

We're not Blunt's Brilliant Detectives.

- Well, we could be. - No.

- Just-- Just-- Just this once. - Tuppence.

This is serious, right?

This is police stuff, people that have training,

so give me the cards back now please.

And the other ones.

I know you have more in your other pocket.

Fine.

Thank you.

Also, you're wrong.

Alice might have known about the affair but not told Bingo,

which means that he still has a motive, so...

- Mm. - What?

See?

Can't help but get that little bit involved.

It's the crime writer in you.

Okay, I admit, something-- something's off, right.

- Yeah. - Right?

- And I-I'm intrigued, but we-- - But what?

Tommy, have you not heard of true crime?

Normal people solve crimes all the time. It's just like--

It's practically the new clubbing--

"It's the new clubbing."

- Okay. Alright. - Yeah.

Who's that?

- It's Alice. - Alice Dalvey.

I need the wedding photos from last night.

- Call me. - She wants the photos.

That's perfect. Just tell her we can go now.

What, just ask her

if she knew her husband was having an affair?

No, er, we'll think of something.

After all...

we're private detectives.

The photographer's here, Seb.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We both are.

Thank you.

Yeah, erm...

look, we need you to delete the photos.

- Now. - Er, why?

You serious? Have you seen the internet?

It's everywhere.

Journalists are ripping every photo they can off of socials

and harassing all my friends for secret ones from last night.

It's a fucking nightmare.

It's just that Tati wouldn't like the way

they're talking about her in the press.

Only thing is, I-- I don't actually have them on me,

because the-- the police took-- took my memory card...

- Oh, my God. - ...so, in a way,

they're totally safe...

...from the press...

Alice, perhaps we should just let this go.

"Let it go." "Let this go."

He's still my husband.

I still have a chance to be happy.

Sorry, sorry.

I didn't-- I didn't mean to--

- No. It's-- It's-- No, erm-- - Sorry. I didn't mean to.

I have to go and pick up Tati's parents,

so... goodbye.

Do you mind if I... use your bathroom?

Yeah, fine.

You sure you wouldn't rather have a cup of tea?

I make a really good cup of tea.

Hello, doggy.

What are you sitting on?

Hey.

Have you heard from him?

From Bingo?

No, no, I erm...

I-- I didn't accept the call.

Because you think that he did it?

I don't know.

Yesterday, Bingo was the love of my life, and...

...now everyone thinks he was shagging my friend

and murdered her in cold blood.

I don't-- I don't know what to think.

But you definitely didn't think they were having an affair

before now?

Why would I marry him?

Like, yeah, fine. I'm turning 30.

I'm not, like, desperate.

So why did you try to get Tatiana fired?

Who told you that?

Hey, Mummy's shoes taste so good.

I asked you a question.

Er, I overheard someone at the party.

Your friend is taking her time.

Sorry, er, we should probably go now, actually.

Tuppence?

Hi.

Sorry. Time of the month.

Why's it always a surprise, eh?

I'll let you know

what the police say, er, about the photos.

Look.

It's a glove.

Yeah, from her costume, and it's filthy. Why?

A million reasons. Also...

...you shouldn't have been in there.

Oh, my God.

She Instagrams her entire life. It's hardly snooping.

Look, hear me out.

She found out about the affair,

and so she killed her love rival, Tatiana.

Absolutely not.

Why?

Because she was genuinely stunned

to think they could be hooking up.

- Those were real tears. - No, she's definitely a suspect.

Why? Why would she ruin her life?

She'd just married Bingo.

You saw the effort she went to last night.

It was her big Instagram moment.

Without Bingo, she has none of that.

What would you do if this was one of your books?

Start with suspects and motive.

I agree.

Mm-hmm.

So we have Bingo, who stood to lose--

Er...

- There you go. - Okay.

- We have Bingo... - Yeah.

...who was set to loose Alice

- and this business deal... - Mm.

...if his affair was revealed by Tatiana.

Yes. Okay.

So then we have Lina.

Lina wanted to shut Tatiana up...

- Mm. - ...before people found out

- she was her troll. - Mm-hmm.

Alice. Wedding dress.

Very nice.

Erm, revenge, maybe,

if she knew about the affair before the party,

but to be honest, like, no, she--

she had too much to lose.

Okay. And...

...Sebastian.

- It is always the husband. - Yeah.

So far, all I can find is that he owns a start-up company

that feels a little bit like a pyramid scheme.

He was also just so broken.

Okay, so that's it?

- Is it? - Isn't it?

What about Simon, then?

Simon.

God. Quick. Sorry.

Creepy "Toad of Toad Hall" vibes.

Also, why was Tatiana his favourite?

Exactly, and why didn't he fire Tatiana when Alice asked him to?

What was going on there?

See? You're kind of made for this.

So it's like that bit in your first book-- with, erm--

with the murder at the birthday party.

You've read my books?

I mean, you know, I-- I er...

No. Maybe...

...I've read some of your books.

Okay.

Bingo's been charged.

- What? - I set a news alert.

"After new evidence, influencer's husband is charged

with first-degree murder at deadly wedding party."

Ah, so it's over. He did it.

We were... wrong.

We were always sort of out of our depth, weren't we?

Maybe it's best left to the professionals,

and we just, erm, get back to reality.

Oh. Have to go

I'm filming tonight.

Is everything okay, Tuppence?

Like, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Erm...

I really liked them, by the way...

Your books.

Hm.

Number nine-- doctor's orders.

31-- get up and run.

Four and two-- Winnie-the-Pooh.

66-- clickety click.

One and seven-- "Dancing Queen."

Five and two-- Danny La Rue.

22-- two little ducks.

Aunt Ada: Is this about the murder

at that high-society wedding party?

How on Earth did you know that?

You bailed on our Hitchcock evening.

You clearly haven't slept. I'm just very good at my job.

What happened to retirement?

Overrated.

Me and my friend Tuppence, we were--

were looking into it, but it's a waste of time.

Tuppence, eh?

You can forget that.

She's married.

Like that ever stopped anyone.

- Including these two. - Mm.

Aunt Ada: So what did you find in your investigation?

Er, nothing.

I mean, a few leads, but...

yeah, we were wrong.

It was him, Bingo.

Sorry, I didn't...

I'm sorry.

The victim even named him.

- Did she? - Mm, she said so.

And Tuppence saw Bingo

running away from the scene of the crime.

He was wearing as a massive bunny costume,

so can't exactly miss him.

That's the thing about costumes though, isn't it?

They stand out whilst the wearer is obscured.

Bingo.

I'm sorry, I meant-- I meant Bingo as in "eureka."

Er, sorr-- the-- the-- the costume.

Anyone could've been wearing the same costume.

Bingo Caller: 77.

Thank you.

Five and nine-- the Brighton line.

Ooh! Bingo, bitches!

Looks like the psycho got another

sad, lonely, single woman walking home alone at night.

What was she thinking?

The blood is fresh...

and it never lies.

He's close.

Hold the roll!

Right, get the stunt double in, please.

First A.D.: Stunt double stepping on.

Can we get some quiet on set, please?

Quiet on set.

Okay, let's go, Fight scene. And action!

I've got it.

Tommy, pick up the phone.

I've got something huge to tell you.

This absolutely changes the game.

It's really exciting.

Hello?

Anyway, I literally just rushed off set.

Someone's following me.

I've got Mace.

- Tommy. - Tuppence?

- Tommy. - Oh, gosh.

- There's someone following me. - Y-You're shaking.

You're bleeding. What?

- No, no, no. It's not real. - What happened?

It's not. But someone is following me.

Yeah, where? Where? Where?

There's no-one there.

Let's get you back. I need to tell you something.

So there might have been two bunnies.

Yeah, I know there were.

So I'm just trying to find something.

It was the stunt double that made me think of it, right?

Two versions of the same thing.

And then it just-- it hit me, right?

- The button. - What button?

I forgot about it at the time because I-I-- I don't know.

I was in shock, and everyone was asking me what she said,

not what she did, but Tatiana,

she gave me this when she was dying.

I put it in my bra.

Well, 'cause they took my clothes.

They didn't take my underwear.

- And then last night-- - The shower.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It must've rolled under the sink.

So Tatiana must've grabbed the button

off the bunny costume, but--

when they were attacking her-- but then...

I can't...

- I took a photo... of Bingo... - Okay.

...when he ran out into the garden,

asking for help at midnight.

Look.

- He has all his buttons. - Oh, my God.

We were right. There were two bunnies.

Which proves that he didn't kill her.

Oh, my God, you genius.

Aah! Oh, my God.

Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?

- We're back together. - Yeah.

- On the case. - Mm.

If you can keep up with me.

Challenge accepted.

Aunt Ada: Like I was saying, crime is big business.

For the lucky ones, it's something that happens

safely on a screen...

...whilst for others it's a reality...

...something they may have even considered from time to time.

And for those truly unlucky ones who have been a victim to it...

...it can take a lifetime to recover.

Aunt Ada: ...if they ever recover at all...

Aunt Ada: The fact is...

...where crime is concerned,

everything in your life can change in an instant.