Original subtitles

My God, how did we end up here?

I think I'm lost.

No, no, I'm tracking you. You're less than a mile away.

And it's okay to crash at your place?

Of course. That'd be great.

How long you staying?

- About a month? - A month?

When you said you were lecturing at the college,

I thought it'd be for like a day.

All right. You're good to go.

You're a great dancer, by the way.

Come on, it'll be fun.

You can set me up with one of your cute friends.

Yeah, that's never gonna happen.

-Hi, Sarita. I'm still single. -Hilarious.

Why don't you take her to one of your swingers' clubs?

I would, but they have a strict "no sisters" policy.

Come on. You gotta know somebody.

My Tarot card reader said I'm about to meet

the man of my dreams.

Yeah, why does a professor of genetics believe in Tarot?

Okay, a lot of academics are spiritual.

And you would know that if you went to college.

Well, Dad didn't think my B-minus average

was college material.

"Why would a college want

a junkie B-minus Indian,

when there are so many good A-plus Indians to choose from?"

Oh, great. Some jerk's up my ass.

Yeah, just pull over and let them pass.

Yeah, there's no shoulder. I can't pull over.

I can't pull over any farther!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, my God.

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Jesus! Get off me!

Oh, my God!

Let's go!

Oh, my God! No!

Oh, my God. I roll--

I rolled-- I rolled down the hill!

I can't get out.

Stay calm. We're almost there.

Thorny? Thorny, I smell gas!

The car's on fire!

Sarita, get out of that car!

I can't!

Oh, my God!

Oh...

Talk about a bad case of gas.

Brave and funny.

Just like Pedro Pasqual.

Come on.

Sarita, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

You know this turkey?

You mean my brother?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Oh!

"Who wants a mustache ride?"

Now I see it.

Are you okay down there?

Am I okay?

I just met the man of my dreams.

Oh-- mm.

Wow-- Oh!

- Oh... - No.

No. No!

That's good mud. Mm.

No, no, no.

Thorny!

Oh, no! Oh!

No.

Oh, no.

-Stop! -And to think,

I almost called in sick.

Thank you, God.

Stop!

No!

Uh...

It just says "Farva's wedding."

What's it supposed to say?

"You are cordially invited to the wedding

of Rodney Farva and Sarita Ramathorn."

Like that's gonna put butts in the seats.

Sarita approved this?

Yeah. She loves me.

Right, best man?

I'm not your best man!

You know, you should be best man, Thorny.

- It'll be fun. - You gotta do it.

No, fuck off!

And by the way, she's not in love with you.

You saved her life, and it messed with her head.

It's a psychological phenomenon.

It's called Putzfimmel's Syndrome.

No, no, that would be Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm would be if she fell in love with Farva

after he took her hostage.

In which case, we'd all be in love with Farva.

- Thank you, Coy. - Here you go.

Are we sure that it's not Florence Nightingale Syndrome?

Uh, no, that's when a nurse falls in love

-with their patient. -Oh.

It's Munchausen-By-Proxy.

No, Munchausen-By-Proxy would be if

Farva's giving Drano to his baby to get attention.

Oh, God, is there gonna be a baby?

Baby Ram Rod?

Not gonna be a baby.

Oh, she'll be gorgeous.

She'll have Farva's piggy nose, but Thorny's dark mocha skin.

All right, all right.

We'll call her Mocha Latte.

Uh, speaking of, who wants coffee?

Oh, no worries.

I already ordered delivery from Java Jesters.

- Delivery? What? - I love this rookie.

And you know our orders?

Yeah. Programmed them right into the app. Uh--

-Officer Farva wants cream. -Cream!

Black. Black. Black.

- And... brown. - Hey.

- Wow! - That's cool.

If you want the Vermont taxpayer to pay $50 for coffee.

-Oh, come on! -Shut up, Rabbit.

Boo. Shut up, nerd.

- Oh, shut the fuck up. - Hey.

We should submit Coy

for Highway Patrol Rookie of the Year.

Is that a thing? How come I wasn't nominated for that?

Only the best of the best.

Put your damn shoes on! What is this? A bathhouse?

Do you know what I think?

I think you should shut the fuck up, John.

-What did you say to me? -Yeah, fuck off already, John.

Watch it, Farva,

or I'll take you out back and cane you.

John, you don't work here anymore,

so maybe it's time to move along.

Okay. Easy, guys, okay?

Retirement's hard. It's only been nine months.

Oh, that's nothing to do with it.

My toaster's broken,

and I needed to toast my Toaster Strudel.

You buyin' this, Markowski?

Okay, Mac, I-I'd really appreciate it

if you guys call me Captain.

Okay, hang on, Markowski. We're getting this squared away.

-John? -Mm-hmm?

You need a hobby. Play golf.

I hate golf.

What about those retirement communities

where they have orgies?

You could be a greeter at Walmart.

Oh! How about LARPing?

Quiet, Rookie!

You should get yourself a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend. In Brattleboro.

Right, sure.

Is your girlfriend in the room with us now?

Okay, uh, guys.

Yeah, we-- we really need to get on with the day here.

Uh, John, it was great seeing you.

Sorry, Todd, don't mind me.

Just waiting for my Toaster Strudel to crisp.

Okay, let's get started.

Montpellier sent word that we should be on the lookout

for a new drug coming down from Canada.

They are calling it "Canadian Crystal."

Canadian Crystal? What's it do?

Make you boring and apologetic?

- Canadians suck. - Okay, thanks, Farva.

And,

apparently, somebody vandalized

another Moose Clock maple syrup truck.

Aw, fuck Moose Clock.

Yeah, yeah! Fuck Moose Clock. Fuck it!

Ha, you know, it's fun down here

in the peanut gallery.

Moose Clock. Moose Clock. Is anybody else hearing that?

I mean, it sounds kinda dirty, doesn't it?

No, it's not dirty. It's that syrup company

with the really clever moose who knows how to tell time.

"It's time for breakfast!"

Speech impediments are funny.

No, it just doesn't sound like a wholesome family business.

It's not even a family business.

It's this new conglomerate out of Atlanta

that doesn't care a lick about Vermont syrupers.

Yeah, it's Big Syrup, Markowski.

And by the way, it's not maple, it's corn syrup.

-Ugh. Corn sucks. Fuck corn. -Fuck corn. We don't like corn.

-I don't put it on my pancakes. -Nope.

I don't care. Find the vandals.

Arrest the vandals. Bring the vandals to justice.

Farva, it's been six weeks,

where are we with your fiancée's investigation?

Nah, nothing on the traffic cams,

but I do have a few leads.

Don't worry, no one slams my girl's rear bumper but me.

-Right, Thorndog? -Shut the fuck up.

Oh, hey, Old Cap, did not get your RSVP.

-You comin' to the wedding? -Nope.

You can bring your pretend girlfriend.

Well, she doesn't want to come either.

Oh, strudel's ready.

I love strudel.

Well, uh, Farva, I for one,

am very excited about your big day.

I don't know if you knew this,

but I'm a pretty big Indio-phile.

Yep, kind of obsessed with the Indian culture.

-Mm! -So, uh,

what's on the menu, by the way, huh?

Tandoori chicken? Goat vindaloo?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Easy on the stereotypes, Markowski.

What? I don't do stereotypes.

I'm just wondering what we're eating, you know.

I mean, it's not like we're gonna have Chinese food.

Look out, Indians aren't allowed to have moo shu pork.

China-phobe!

We eat Chinese food.

Okay. That's enough.

All right. Everybody outside.

I have a surprise for you.

Mm! Wow. Delicious.

Good coffee. Good coffee.

I mean, he ordered it on an app.

Maybe you should have done that when you were a rookie.

Apps didn't exist back then.

Well, excuses are like assholes, Rabbit.

- Everyone smells one. - Oh!

By the way, guys, I started growing my mustache.

Hold on, Rook. I'll tell you when you can grow a mustache.

Until then you should wear a strap-on.

Strap-on...

Okay, gentlemen,

uh, I know I talk a lot about modernizing

and the future of policing, so I give to you...

Whoa!

-All right! -Nice.

- Hot dog! - That is a sharp car.

Our first electric patrol car.

Boo! What?

Electric?

- Electricity sucks! - Fossil fuels.

Fuck electricity. Boo!

No, it's part of Vermont's new green initiative.

They call this beauty Le Sportif Electrique.

Sportif Electrique? What does that even mean?

What? It's a new Canadian EV.

Tkachuk Motors is trying to break into the market,

so we got a great deal.

Ugh. A Canadian electric car?

It looks weak.

Give me a good old-fashioned American gas car any day.

No, no, no. This is a great opportunity

for us to be energy sustainable.

Enough with the New Age bullshit, Markowski.

Okay. I knew this was gonna happen.

I knew that you guys were gonna push back

against the future,

so I brought a few things for you.

No, no, please. No more books. Please, no more books.

Carl. This is for you.

I think you're really gonna enjoy it.

It...

It moved the heck out of me. The Power of Now.

Are you saying the power of meow?

-No, it's The Power of Now. -You're saying meow, right?

No, now.

And for you, Thorny, Salman Rushdie.

Shalimar the Clown.

I'm sure you're familiar with his work.

Why is that now?

Well, because you people stick together,

right, Markowski?

- Wow. - Mm. Keeps on going.

No, because he's a great writer.

Can you believe this fucking guy?

I cannot.

And for you, Mac.

New Age Thinking For...

You saying I'm dumb?

No, don't worry about the title.

This was an important first step for me.

I'm not dumb. You're dumb.

No, it's just showing the differences

between auras and chakras.

-Things like that. -You're dumb.

Okay.

Oh, come on, you guys. This thing is t-u-f-f.

Cap, give me the manual.

Let me take the charge on this bad boy.

All right, well, good luck. Hope you like French.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

That's French-ism, buddy.

No, the manual is in French.

-Do you like anybody? -He hates the French!

-Sacré bleu. -Enough, enough.

Back to business. Let's go.

Are you guys gonna look at it? Ugh...

Is it gonna shock me if I touch it?

You missed a spot.

You missed a spot.

You missed a spot. No, no, you missed a spot.

You missed a spot. I got dirt in my pocket.

He doesn't know.

Thorny, I think it'd be a real nice gesture

if you would--

agree to be Farva's best man.

Okay, let me try, let me try, let me try.

The decent thing to do would be for you to accept

Farva's offer to be his best man.

Fuck, you're right, it can't be done.

I'd rather put my dick in a mouse trap

than be Farva's best man.

That's a great idea for a bachelor party gift.

Mouse traps to put your dicks in.

Right?

Ooh! What if we all have matching gym shorts?

Oh. That's me.

Hi, guys.

-Hey, Urs. -Hey, Urs.

Sup, Charlie's Angel?

-Hey. Hey... -Hey.

Um-- Yeah. Oh. Oh--

Sorry. I don't know how this whole

conscious uncoupling thing is supposed to work.

Well, you left some stuff at the house, so.

Oh, you didn't have to come all the way out for that.

I'm just glad we're handling this

in a mature and adult way.

Hey, Billy!

Right. I asked you if you wanted to buy

a house together and you ran away.

I wouldn't necessarily characterize it that way.

I'm good. I'm good.

You enjoy hanging with the guys, you know, making dick jokes.

We don't do that.

But good luck finding a mouse trap

big enough for this dick!

Ha, ha, ha. That's hysterical.

Go Thorny. Go Thorny.

-Go Thorny. -I'll see you around

the gun range.

Don't worry, Billy.

This doesn't mean that Mommy and Daddy

love you any less.

All right. Time to show the rookie

-how the sausage is made. -Ooh.

This is The Box.

Every prank we have ever pulled.

I'm sure you heard all about it at the academy.

Can't say that I have.

Ooh.

What is "Gassenger Window"?

So, you get all the passengers to roll their windows down

and then you get points

if you can fart in each window.

Bonus points if they start blaming each other.

-Which they always do. -Which they always do.

Nice. Yeah, that's really funny.

I-I think I saw that on TikTok.

See? This is why we hate China.

They're always stealing our IP.

Mind if we 69?

With your new battery-powered device?

Not interested.

Hey. I had to wait nine months

before I got to see that prank box.

-This rookie is advanced. -Oh!

I've actually been workin' on a new pullover game called,

"Here's The Dildo."

Sounds intrusive.

Basically, you're saying,

"Here's the deal, though" to the driver.

But instead you say, "Here's the dildo,"

because they kind of sound the same.

It's pretty good.

Yeah, that one actually sounds funny.

"Here's the dildo. Here's the dildo."

Yeah, I've definitely not seen that one on TikTok.

Thank you, Rookie of the Year.

All right, our babysitting shift is over.

Go hang out with those guys.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rook. You can't use the door.

The ground is lava. Hot lava.

All right, rookie.

Oh, look at you.

Ooh, I don't know.

You got it.

No, you've got it, Rookie.

Boy, you are limber.

Nice twist.

Yeah, impressive.

B-minus.

Whoa.

Oh, great.

It's the Buchanan Boys.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the old timers

passing the torch to the new generation.

Coy. This is Steve and Baker Buchanan.

They're weed dealers.

Not anymore.

Yeah, we used to be.

We got out the business when it went legal.

Too many tax and regs. Right, Steve?

Yeah, Baker. Government can suck my D.

Never been much for following the laws, huh, boys?

Actually, we have a totally legit business.

We repurposed the farm, and we're hosting events now.

Bar mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs. Quinceañeras.

Oh, yeah. Hey, Thorny, congratulations, man.

We're super excited to host your hot sister's wedding.

To Rod Farva.

Son of a bitch.

A guest list full of Indians and cops.

I guess we're gonna have to stock up on mustache combs.

Oh, shit.

You know, I miss when weed was illegal.

So we could bust your asses.

Bust us?

What makes you think you could still catch us,

old fella?

Oh, you don't think I could catch you?

Not even if we were on foot.

Don't-- don't take the bait. Don't-- don't take the bait.

Oh, I guess we're taking the bait.

Whoa...

Whoo! Let's go!

Uh, maybe not the best time to ask, but I was wondering

if I could crash at your place for a while?

There's plenty of comfy jail cells in the station.

You can crash there.

Come on. We'll be like

Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake.

Did you know they were roommates?

No, I didn't know they were fucking roommates.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Here I come, Baker. I got you now.

That's all right. I got it.

Whoa, I guess we'll go

-off the road then. Okay. -There we go.

What's up, assholes?

What's up, chode?

Shut the fuck up. I'm talking to him.

You're caught.

Whoo! Suck it!

Whoo!

- Yeah! - Whoo!

Go, go, go, go, go.

Cut across! Cut across!

Tokyo Drift, motherfucker!

Holy shit. You're so hot dude.

Suck my brother's dick!

You know they're gonna try to get away

by jumping Duck Neck Creek.

Uh-huh.

But we're not gonna jump Duck Neck Creek, right?

Why not? I've done it before.

When? I feel like I would have heard about that.

High school.

Oh, last century.

You know, you could get out any time you want.

It's just that I'm single now, and I kinda need all my teeth.

-Oh, shit, dude. -Oh, here it comes.

-Oh... -Yee-haw!

Whoo!

Damn it!

God!

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit.

What happened?

Weren't going fast enough. We were never gonna make it.

Is it possible we're no longer the cool guys in our own story?

Not a fucking chance.

Whoa. Easy, easy. Whoa.

Farva texted me his list of demands

for the bachelor party.

"Strip clubs, bum fights,

Russian roulette, dinner at McDonald's."

Sounds like Farva's found himself a new best man.

"Forward this list to Thorny. He blocked my number."

Hey, I can help you plan the bachelor party if you want.

What are you thinking, Vegas?

Okay, settle down. I'll take care of it.

No, seriously. I've planned tons of bachelor parties.

For my one buddy, we did a stripper escape room.

A-And then for another, we did a stripper crawfish boil.

Okay, okay.

It doesn't matter. It's not gonna happen.

It's never gonna happen.

Hello?

Can I go?

No. We're trying to teach our rookie about pullovers.

So, here's my offer, speed demon.

You beat my rook in a foot race, no ticket.

He beats you, big ticket.

Wait, what?

But I am wearing crocodile loafers.

Well, they're very fast animals, so you should do great.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm the cop here.

Shouldn't he be the only one running?

Can't race himself.

Rookie, you lose to this guy,

you'll be cleaning Farva's toilet for a month.

Jesus.

To the bend and back. One, two, three. Go!

Hi, Boopy!

Mom. Dad. How are ya?

Dr. and Dr. Ramathorn, hey. It's Robbie.

Hi, Robbie! We're on our way up for the big wedding.

No, no, no. You have to talk Sarita out of this.

Absolutely not. It's time for her to get married.

And I've never seen her so in love.

No. She just thinks she's in love.

It's called Putzfimmel's Syndrome.

That's not Putzfimmel.

If anything, it's White Knight Syndrome.

White Knight? I was thinking Havana Syndrome.

Enough of this "syndrome bindo" nonsense.

Sarita has a good head on her shoulders.

She's a bloody geneticist, for Christ's sake.

Well, that's good 'cause Farva's a mutant.

Rabbit, tell my parents what a nightmare Farva is.

Honestly, deep down,

I think he's just a scared little boy.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Dad, help me out here.

Boopy, I get it.

Would I prefer it if Rodney were Hindu or even Indian?

Yes. But I want to give the boy a chance to earn my respect.

That's never gonna happen, Dad. I know you. You're old school.

You're not behaving well, Boopy.

And what is this I hear about

your refusing to be Rodney's best man?

Well, it's 'cause I'm slammed at work.

See, someone's been vandalizing maple syrup trucks

and then there's this whole Canadian drug--

Arcot Ramathorn.

You will support Sarita and be best man. That's it!

We love you, Boopy!

So, I'll just, uh, send you this list, Boopy?

Not gonna happen.

Never gonna happen.

Who won?

-Me! -No way! I did.

I was distracted. I...

Guess we'll have to run it again.

Aw, come on. Can we at least get a little rest?

Coy. The law never rests. One, two, three. Go!

So, you want me to die alone like you?

No. But do you really wanna spend the rest of your life

with a guy who Dutch ovens you?

How do you know he Dutch ovens me?

-He tells everyone. -Well, you know what?

That's what I love about him, okay?

He doesn't care what people think.

- Who wants cream? - I do!

Come get your cream, girl.

Why can't you stay at his house?

His parents are strict Quakers.

They won't allow it.

He doesn't have parents. He's a test tube baby.

He can be a test tube baby and still be a Quaker.

I don't even know what the fuck we're talking about.

I'm marrying him, okay?

So, you better get used to it, Thorny.

I won't, Thorny.

Ugh.

Here I come, babe!

Your tuna can is about to get StarKist.

Yeah! I like extra celery in my tuna!

Oh yeah. Oh!

Oh, tickle me with that feather.

- ♪ Swing low ♪ - Ow! Ow! Oh--

Thorny!

- Farva. Farva! - Oh, Ramathorn.

- Farva! Farva! - Ramathorn.

- Ramathorn, Ramathorn. - Now lick my Oreo!

Oh, yeah, Ramathorn.

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming forth To carry me home ♪

- ♪ I looked over Jordan ♪ - Thorny.

- ♪ And what did I see? ♪ - Thorny.

-Thorny, I'm over here. -♪ Coming forth to carry me ♪

-♪ Home ♪ -Thorny!

Thorny, Thorny, Thorny, Thorny! Thorny, Thorny, Thorny, Thorny!

That's my shirt.

It's a good sex shirt. Oh, dude.

You gotta shellac that door. Gave me splinters.

Although, I did just throw

a new coat of varnish on it for ya.

Oh, no I didn't.

Got any beer?

Bupty, bupty, boo...

Thorny's fridge.

-No. -A lot of Uncrustables in here.

Here you go. Found it!

My last one!

Don't worry. I'm not gonna drink it.

I gots the Indian burn.

Come on!

Whew. Soothing.

Oh, there's the door.

You ever get Indian burn? I bet you have.

Oh, my God. It's cold.

You Rod Farva?

No.

I got a Postmates delivery

of 12 short and wide condoms for Rod Farva.

Come on. Only 12?

Eh. I guess it'll have to do. Tip the tall kid, Thorny.

Oh.

By the way, I am super excited to meet your parents tomorrow.

Huh? I think they're gonna love me.

Hey, honey! I got the short and wides!

Ooh, let's move to Thorny's room.

I'm gonna stop this wedding...

and I just figured out how.

Huh.

What am I missing?

Don't get it.

How much do you weigh?

170.

Huh. Right, okay.

See, I figured out what the problem is.

You're too heavy.

I can't do this with you in the car.

Do what?

No. No. You're not jumping a creek.

Markowski. You don't understand.

The Buchanan Brothers

jumped Duck Neck Creek, so now I have to.

That creek is taunting me.

You're not using a state vehicle to catch your white whale.

My what?

White whale. It's a Moby Dick reference.

It's Melville. White whale.

Todd. Stop reasoning with 'em.

You gotta treat Mac like a shitty house pet.

When he craps on the carpet, you whack him on the nose

good and hard, or he'll do it again.

Easy, Old Cap, you don't have to give Markowski any tips.

Womack.

If you try to jump a patrol car over Duck Neck Creek,

I'll feed ya to the fucking bears!

Something like that.

You see, it's kinda toothless now that you're retired.

John, I-I appreciate the help, but I-I can handle him.

Your funeral.

So, um, you guys got any coffee around here?

Oh, yeah. Got a delivery on the way.

Actually, I have café au laits with steamed oat milk,

peppermint swizzle sticks, and biscotti.

What is this? Italian Christmas?

Rabbit, everybody knows coffee tastes better

when you order it from somewhere else.

Oh. Why don't you make yourself useful and get that?

Fine!

Well, thank you for swinging by, John,

but we gotta get going here.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'll go. I'll go.

Oh, Todd. Tell me, uh,

what's happening with the case on Thorny's sister?

Oh, uh, no new info on the guy who did it.

The guy? Oh, so it couldn't have been a woman?

Person. I mea-- I meant person. You know what I meant.

No, no, no. We get it.

You think women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

-They can't commit crimes. -No. That's not--

Stop. That's not what I said.

-Sexist! -Not sexist.

- Sexism. - No. No.

Markowski thinks women shouldn't wear pants.

-Okay, we're not doing that. -Women can be criminals.

-You ever see Ocean's 8? -Enough!

Farva, can you check the traffic cams again?

I already checked 'em, Old Cap.

Well, do it again! That's an order.

A what?

I know. I know.

I need a hobby.

No. You need a girlfriend.

I have a girlfriend.

- Brattleboro. - Okay. Mm.

Where you goin', Old Cap?

Well, someone has to tidy up that fucking basement!

Oh-- Thank you.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Oh, God, I think he's gonna put a bed down there.

All right, Farva, you heard the man.

Check the traffic cams again.

You know, I'd be making more progress

if it wasn't for this wedding.

Sarita's off lecturing college dorks,

and I'm in charge of everything.

The menu, the flowers, the cake tasting.

Oh, what do you guys think about red velvet? Hmm?

I kinda like that cake.

Makes me wanna rub it in my thighs.

Interesting choice, crab cake. Hm?

You wouldn't think of it as a dessert,

but you can make it sweet, put sugar on it.

It'd be sweet, salty, and fishy.

Okay.

Then there's bundt cake. Bundt.

It's got a D in it. Did you know that?

You'd think it was silent, but it's not. Bun-ta-duh-t.

Farva. I've been doing a lot of thinking.

And I've decided to be your best man.

Really?

What about dick in a mouse trap?

A mousetrap is for mice. Not for dicks.

Plus, it's my sister's wedding.

So, goddamn it, it's the right thing to do.

I knew you'd come around.

Special guy. Give me this. Come on.

Oh, my God. You're soft, but firm.

You're like a hot dog stuffed with salt water taffy.

You know what? I'm gonna go tell Sarita.

-Oh! -Nerd!

Damn it!

Oh, so now you wanna be his best man?

What? Have you been smoking some of that Canadian Crystal?

Seriously. What's your angle?

Tell me the shim-sham, oh Brown One.

Last night, after Farva and Sarita

had sex against my door, and he took my last beer

to soothe his Indian-burned taint...

I'm already lost.

...I had an epiphany.

My father is a conservative guy.

If he saw Farva in all his glory,

he'd call this wedding off lickety-split.

So, I'm gonna use my power as best man

to give him the full Farva experience.

I'm calling my plan: Operation Indian Burn.

Ooh...

Arcot, thank you for arranging this beautiful meeting.

Of course.

And for being Rodney's best man.

You know how much it means to him.

Though I'm not sure this is his kind of place, you know?

Are you kidding? I think it's a place

that'll really let Farva be Farva.

Good afternoon.

Sorry I'm late.

Oh, my God. Babe, you clean up great!

Well, Thorny did say it was high tea.

Although, I did not know if I had to get high first.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not a druggie like this tweaker.

Ram Rod!

Mom, Dad.

- This is Farva. - Oh.

Please, call me Rodney.

Oh, my.

You could be Sarita's daughter.

- Oh, stop it. - Ah.

And Dr. Mukundan, it is a pleasure.

I've heard tell of your brilliance.

Heard what?

"Tell," Arcot.

They say it on my favorite show,

Game o' Thrones.

Game of Thrones! We love that show.

We watch it on the HBO.

"On the HBO."

I brought a gift.

- Oh, my goodness. - What? Aw.

-How sweet. -I wrapped it myself.

I used to work at Macy's.

Gandhi.

It's my favorite film.

Oh, please. You've seen Gandhi?

I have. I watched it recently. On my watch.

You know, Dad thinks he looks like Sir Ben Kingsley.

Well, I don't know about that.

He wishes. Ben Kingsley. He puts the "hot" in Mahatma.

I hear they're making a sequel.

How? He dies in the end!

Spoiler alert.

They're calling it Gandhi Two: Electric Vindaloo.

He is hilarious.

Speaking of Gandhi, I'm starving.

Sorry, Rod, they don't serve the McRib here.

Oh, good one. Uh, waitress.

Hi.

We will have, uh, a tray of cucumber sandwiches

with herb labneh spread, and how about a tower of scones

with lemon curd and marmalade.

And your choice of tea?

Darjeeling, of course.

Excellent choice, sir.

Oh, my God. Rodney,

I had no idea you knew so much about high tea.

Well, don't tell anyone, they might think I have low T.

We all know you got that wide D.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

What's "wide D"?

No-- Nothing. Never mind.

You know what wide D is, right?

-No. -Oh.

Look at that. Good service here, huh?

Oh. Do you wanna pour?

As a matter of fact, I do.

- Oh. - Mehta,

may I tea you up?

He's such a gentleman.

Just call me Mr. T.

Because I pity the fool

who doesn't like tea.

It's Mr. T pouring the tea!

I wonder if they have any white tea here.

Oh wait, that's me! Whitey!

We do like racial humor.

Who doesn't?

Bottoms up! Cheers, everyone.

Cheers.

Hey, pinky boner. Pinky boner. It's classy. Pinky boner.

Pinky boner. Do the pinky boner.

Stop kicking me.

-Suck my pinky boner. -Cut the shit!

Stop kicking me!

Pinky boner.

Ramathorn.

We've got another vandalized Moose Clock truck.

Wow, that's several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Try saying that ten times fast, right?

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies...

...sabotaged. Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Several syrup supplies sabotaged.

Thank you, tearoom.

- Thank you, tearoom. - Nicely done.

In the back, thank you.

I gotta go.

Ramathorn, are you with your parents?

Yeah, they're right here.

Uh, Dr. and Dr. Ramathorn.

Can-- can I just tell you how excited I am for the wedding?

Yeah, I'm a huge fan of your culture.

-Just the focus on community... -Ugh.

-Small brown-noser. No offense. -...and I studied...

- ...Hinduism a little bit. - Um, I'm-- I'm...

...I'm coming. I'm coming.

Yeah, send me the address and I'll be on my way.

A bull in a china shop.

He's "might-tea" clumsy!

Oh!

Good one, Dad. Can I call you Dad?

Of course you can!

Okay, Farva. Game on!

Yeah, he had a gift. His hair was parted.

He was in a seersucker suit.

A seersucker suit.

He was one step ahead.

Fuck Big Syrup!

I know!

Driver came out a rest stop, and the truck was gone.

Turned up here later, all shot up.

Nice, Rookie, I'm impressed.

Might have to steal you for our station.

Hey, thanks. Yeah, it's the cone-flip challenge.

Just one of the many useful skills

my generation has to offer.

Hey, your rookie's funny.

Kiss-ass.

Man. Ursula looks really good.

I think she's handling this breakup very well.

Yeah, and I'm happy for her.

Fuck Moose Clock!

Thank you. Whole town's a suspect.

I have a theory.

You guys remember when grass became legal,

and all the Big Weed companies moved in?

- Yeah. - Who did we bust

for vandalizing all those dispensaries?

Graffiti. Smashed windows.

Bullets.

Buchanan brothers. Big Weed put them out of business.

This feels like the same energy.

- All right. - All right.

-Yeah, looks good. Okay. -Okay, cool. All right.

Did-- did she just give Coy her phone number?

Well, she is single.

I'll slide you those smash pics a little later.

Can't wait.

"Smash pics"?

That sounds sexual to me.

It does.

All right, according to Urban Dictionary,

to slide smash pics means

"to send explicit photos for mutual masturbation...

or smash-turbation."

Yeah. Hilarious, Mac.

That's crowd-sourced. Anybody can write anything.

Do you need to sit down?

No! I'm fine! This is what I wanted. Okay?

Let's just stop fucking around

and solve the crime.

Why is it always fucking around with you guys?

Let's just-- Let's go talk to the Buchanans.

Can't take anything seriously.

So, why would the Buchanans care about syrup?

Aren't they event planners now?

Well, I got a hunch, Rook.

And a good cop always follows his hunches.

Hey, so what's your deal, anyway, Coy?

You got a girlfriend? Uh-- Boyfriend?

You know, whatever, I don't care. I'm just curious.

Nah, no girlfriend. But I am tending a couple fires.

- Yeah. - Not anybody we know,

though, right? I mean. I only have one rule,

and that's don't shit where you eat.

And that's obvious, yeah.

So, uh, you never had a taco on the toilet?

No.

I don't think I've ever had a taco on the toilet.

Definitely had a cupcake on the commode, though.

Hm!

You ever had a cupcake on the commode, Coy?

I don't know what that is.

What? I'll show you sometime. You're gonna love it.

Wow, what a lovely spot for Farva's wedding.

Yeah. Perfect place for me to get

blacked-out drunk.

Okay.

Now, I think this EV has self-park.

Yeah, you want me to show you how it works?

Hey, back off. He's got it.

Okay. Oh, yeah. There we go.

Yeah-- Oh!

Sensor didn't fucking ding. It should ding.

I don't think it had time.

You could just park that anywhere, Officer.

Guess it's not quite as familiar

as your mobility scooter, now is it, Mac?

The sensor didn't ding.

It probably didn't have enough time.

Yeah, well, you boys are a little early

for the Farva nuptials. How can we help you?

It seems like somebody's been vandalizing

these Moose Clock syrup trucks.

Wondering if you knew anything about that?

Why would we know anything about that?

Well, you vandalized those weed dispensaries

back in the day.

So, we thought, "Big Weed, Big Syrup."

That's a big jump

is what that is.

No, we had reason to.

Those Big Weed dicks put us out of business.

Steve! Baker!

Where are my Vermont cheese baskets?

Shit. Cousin Bettie's chewing us out again.

You guys have got to stop

taking the baskets and eating the cheese.

The cheese is expensive.

I know that it's missing. Stop munching on it!

-Steve did it. -Uh, I had like a cube or two.

Officers. What can I help you with?

Hey, Bettie!

We were just asking about the maple syrup truck

that got vandalized last night.

More like corn syrup.

I've been saying the same thing.

Why? Are we being interrogated?

Are you gonna cuff me

and throw me in the back of your car?

Sure, if you want.

Uh, no. We don't know anything about the truck.

We were here last night prepping for this event.

- Okay, cool. Sounds good to me. - Bettie,

we really need those cheese baskets.

-Jerry, Jerry. -They're the centerpiece...

-I hear you. I hear you. -...of the table.

-The baskets are on their way. -What the fuck

-is wrong with you? -Stop. That's condescending.

Boys, why don't you send these sweet super troopers

on the road with a gift basket of their own?

-Oh! -Thanks!

-Whatever. -Catch you later, Bettie.

Hey.

That soft cheese will be good for your dentures, old man.

Oh... Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, oh, shit. Mm--

You know, if you put the car in auto-drive,

you can get two mitts on that cracker.

Uh, I-I can show you how!

I've got it!

So, uh, Mac. What do you make of your Buchanan theory now?

Who gives a shit?

Do you see how into me Bettie was?

I saw how your voice goes up three octaves

every time you talk to her.

What? My voice did not go up three octaves.

And when you abandoned your little theory right away.

Not true. They all had alibis.

So, ipso facto, I don't think it's them anymore.

Well, I don't think you're using "ipso facto" correctly.

Maybe, but, ipso facto, it's not them.

You are using it correctly. It's Latin.

Thank you, Rookie, you've earned a treat.

Ooh. Thank you very much.

And regardless, Bettie is totally into me.

Please. You're twice her age.

Eh, you know, in my experience,

when it comes to sex, age is just a number.

No one asked you, Coy.

Old people and young people shouldn't fuck. You got that?

And will you spread me some of that

Délice de Bourgogne? Oh!

Ooh, ooh-ee! Hot damn! Check out Hindu, P.I.

I am Detective Ravi Patel.

I don't eat meat. I don't carry a gun.

But I love to kick ass!

Hindu, P.I.! Coming this fall!

Maybe on Tubi.

Oh, sorry we're late, Thorn. Couldn't find the place.

It's the only clothing store in Little India.

Oh.

-We went to Turban Outfitters. -Ah.

Hey. Where's Farva?

Have I missed the cultural insensitivity show?

-No, no. It's about to start. -Mm.

Hey, hey, hey! I love these clothes!

I look like one of the Beatles.

Beatles, he says.

I'm Dingo Starr!

-How wonderful. -Hey! What do you call this

-getup again? -A sherwani.

Well, I "sherwanna" keep wearing it!

-Ha! -Ha.

It's a pretty good joke.

Oh, babe, I can't imagine my life without you.

Aw.

Aw... Ooh! Get a handful!

Those are my glutes!

So beautiful.

Okay, there's our handsome groom.

Looking very good. Ugh! Thank God for this store.

You know, this is our first Indian wedding at the farm,

so we've had to source everything from Canada.

Food, decorations, everything.

They're even getting us an elephant from Montreal.

Bettie has been amazing.

Hi, Bettie!

Hi, Mac.

Okay, Sarita, Mehta,

I have some jewelry to show you. Come on.

Have fun!

See you later, Bettie.

You know that's, like, four octaves higher.

Nonsense.

Thank God. I gotta get out of this tandoori straitjacket.

What? You were just saying how much you liked it.

Yeah, right.

Hey, Thorny, how do I get some help in this dump?

What do I have to do, rub a lamp?

You're an idiot!

Hey, watch that tone, Geronimo. I'll pull your plus one.

I don't want a plus one.

Fine, no plus ones for anyone.

I-I was gonna bring a date.

Nah, I don't want you bringing some Yugoslavian hooker.

Can I get a minus one?

I don't know. Who's it for?

For me.

So I don't have to go. Don't make me explain this joke.

Why don't you save the jokes for the bachelor party, Jim-Jim?

Farva, there's one more

family tradition you've gotta do.

Oh. Right on. Let's do it, Best Man.

No, no. We ended this tradition after the catastrophe in Madras.

Yeah, Thorny, we didn't do this at your wedding.

And look how my marriage turned out.

Might've been the swinging.

Yes, MacIntyre,

it might've been the swinging, but this is a bad idea.

Okay, Farva. Time to pick your snake.

Snakes.

Snakes?

In our family's tradition,

the groom picks his most compatible snake

for the wedding cobra dance.

Is that legal?

I would not describe it that way.

- Aren't they poisonous? - Mm.

Technically, "poisonous" refers to animals

that kill you when you eat them.

"Venomous" would be the word for

an animal that injects a toxin--

Shut it, douche-nozzle.

Don't worry. They remove the venom glands at birth.

What's left is only residual.

I mean, these snakes are basically tame.

Oh, shit! Did one get out?

Oh!

Don't worry. Don't worry. Just a shadow.

Just a shadow, sorry, sorry.

Okay, Farva, the time has come.

Okay, well... Huh.

Hey, guy.

This guy's actually kinda cute.

Hey, little guy.

Holy shit!

Bettie, get some pillows.

- Okay. - Whoa...

-Oh. -Am I gonna die?

Don't worry. It's just residual venom.

You said they weren't poisonous.

-Venomous. -Fuck you!

Since it's the neck, it's best to suck it out.

Thorny, this was your idea. You suck it out!

Well, it is Sarita's boyfriend, so shouldn't she suck it out?

I'm not gonna have swollen lips

right before my wedding, okay? So no chance.

Enough!

These lazy children of mine. I'll suck it!

Rodney! Listen to me.

What do we say to death?

"Not today. Not today!"

Oh... oh...

Check it out.

Ooh.

Farva, that's my mom!

Hmm?

I think I got it all.

Terrible idea, Boopy.

Terrible!

We've got another Moose Clock situation.

Suspicious package at Sheffield Truck Stop.

Possible explosive device. All units respond.

So that's not your box?

No, sir. I went inside to inquire about a blowjob.

And when I came out, it was just sitting there.

Okay. So, no security cameras in the parking lot?

It's a truck stop.

My customers expect a degree of discretion

when it comes to arranging blowjobs and what-have-you.

Appreciate your refreshing honesty.

I-- Sorry about your truck.

Sorry I didn't get my blowjob.

I hope that truck explodes.

Moose Clock can go to hell!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

- Fuck Moose Clock! - Sounds like he needs a blowjob.

Deploy the robot.

This feels like overkill to me.

What? Suspicious boxes are why we got the robot.

Yeah.

Hey, you want some help with that?

No, I got it.

Come on. Let him help. He's young, he knows computers.

I know computers.

Just be careful. That red box on top is C4.

I've actually got the YouTube tutorial right here.

I know that it's C4, thank you.

Why don't you go do crowd control?

C4.

All right, everybody, calm down, calm down.

Let him try. He's doing his best.

Looks like you two are really hitting it off, huh?

Come on. Just-- Just pay attention, okay?

Folks, we know you're all very angry about Moose Clock.

We don't love it either. But...

here's the dildo.

"Here's the dildo," now?

Will you just help me out? Look at the monitor.

We gotta get it up on its feet sometime.

Yeah? Well, I'd like to see you try!

Oh. You and your performance anxiety.

Oh, yeah, please, make a joke about my erectile dysfunction...

-What? -...in front of everybody.

-Oh, my God. -This is the kind of thing...

-All I'm saying... -...that we talked about...

-...is that sometimes you-- -...with Dr. Mancuso.

-Dr. Mancuso? -I've been trying

to focus on the bomb, and you're getting...

-Okay. -...everybody to...

- Deep-- - ...talk about my erections.

Let's just focus and get a look at this stupid fucking bomb.

Hmm. It's just a bunch of syrup bottles.

Oh, shit. Wait. That is my box.

Hey, my bad! That actually is my box.

-Come on. -Ooh.

Looks like you jammed the shaft in a little too deep.

That's what he said.

-Nice! -Oh!

C4 activated.

Bukkake.

Good day's work, right?

Well, if I'm no longer needed here,

I'm gonna go inside and look into that blowjob.

Well, this is great.

We have to reimburse Moose Clock for the maple syrup truck.

Come on, you can't yell at me here.

This bachelor party is a "safe space."

Fine. Tomorrow, then.

Tomorrow's the wedding. I think I could do Wednesday.

You wanna chew me out on Wednesday?

Hey, Rookie, get Markowski a beer.

It's "Captain!" Why is this so hard, guys?

And, no, thank you. I am the designated driver.

Grabbing a club soda, extra tight bubbles.

Rookie, pour me a beer.

Man, we're gonna party till the sun comes up.

My dude.

I brought some leftover fireworks

from Fourth of July.

Oh, cool! Did you get us a bouncy house, too?

Hey. To Farva.

May he not show up tonight.

Boopy!

Do we have any hors d'oeuvres,

or perhaps some crudités, or shrimp cocktail?

We're going out to dinner, Dad.

Okay.

Inviting your dad was a strong move.

Exactly.

Tonight, he gets to see Farva unleashed.

Uh-huh.

Mushroom chocolate, anyone?

Mm, you know, I can't fail another drug test.

Okay. I'll see you

in the Renaissance period.

I'm here, assholes!

The guest of honor is here.

I thought you said Bowl-A-Rama.

She wants to buy a house,

but I mean, you've seen

what the interest rates are like right now...

Oh, here we go.

-Okay, can we just sit, please? -Baby!

- Enjoy. - Best bachelor party ever!

- Rod. - What?

-Yeah. -Hey, um...

I wanted to give you something,

for this incredible journey that you're embarking on.

It's called Turning Indian,

My Journey into Indian Culture.

Hey, check it out, Thorn. I'm gonna join the tribe.

No offense.

It's actually signed by the author. So, um...

Yeah, just treat it with care.

Yeah, sure, Markowski. Great. Thank you so much.

Shots?

-All right, special guy! -Hey, hey, ho!

-Bottoms up! -Cheers!

How did you--? Can--

-Can you put that down again? -Mm-hmm.

Here you go.

What? That was really great.

Thank you.

That was so freaking cool.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

More shots?

This round's ouzo.

Ouzo!

Oh-ho-ho! Hey, Rookie! - Rookie!

Keep 'em comin'!

-Are you seeing this? -Yeah.

The rook's really getting on my nerves.

Why does it feel like I'm seeing the world

through the eyes of a child?

Ooh...

Did you have one of my chocolates?

One? I had, like, four.

I know, I know. Dinner before dessert,

but I'm not drinking tonight, so chocolate is my vice.

Those aren't chocolates. Those are chocolate chocolates.

What? What do you mean? There's something in them?

Yeah. Low dose mushrooms.

But, since you had four, they're high dose mushrooms.

-What? -No, it's cool.

Just stay away from sharp objects,

and, uh, don't look yourself in the mirror.

I gotta hit the head,

but I'll be right back.

Steak knife, sir?

Thank you.

Oh! Oh!

Hey, Mookie. What's with the ba-zoring salad?

It's a tangy beet salad with goat cheese vinaigrette.

Boo!

Get this guy some beef.

Hey, Farva. My dad's a vegetarian.

Did you know he's never even tried beef?

Really?

We shall have to remedy that.

Come on, Mookie.

-Come on, Mookie. -No. I cannot. I'm a Hindu.

Come on.

That's it. Come here! Hey. Just come here.

-No! -Don't you run away from me.

-No! -The airplane's

coming in the hangar!

-No! -Come on! Here we go!

No!

Come here! Come here!

Come on, Mookie.

Come on, Mookie.

No.

Open your meat hole!

Oh, Farva, stop. Please, stop.

-Open it up. -No!

It's forbidden for Hindus. It's definitely a Hin-don't!

I'm coming in! Here we go!

Holy cow. It's delicious!

-Oh! -It's delicious!

Dad.

It's okay, Boopy.

I caught your mom eating a quarter pounder in 1999.

She gave me one beef-ception.

Yeah! Come on, Mookie! More beef!

Come on, Mookie! More beef!

Come on, Mookie! More beef!

-Come on, Mookie! More beef! -My legs really wanna dance!

Come on, Mookie! More beef! Come on, Mookie! More beef!

Come on, Mookie! More beef! Come on, Mookie! More beef!

Come on, Mookie! More beef! Come on, Mookie! More beef!

Come on, Mookie! More beef!

- Thornberry! - Holy fuck!

Hey, what's up, man?

You know how you're always saying

that you're Indian?

In here, you're-a-peein'! You get it?

There's water comin' out ya dick. You get it?

Yeah, I get it.

It's the funniest joke I ever heard.

Your father told it to me.

He loves me.

Hold on a second. Oh!

Someone's afraid of heights. Let me get that for you.

- Jesus. Jesus Christ. - Hey. Hey, buddy.

That's cool. Listen. I wanna say something.

I know you're kind of against this whole wedding thing.

But I just wanna tell you, I think your sister's awesome,

and I even like her weird name.

Sarita. Sarita. Sarita.

Okay. Let me out.

No, no, no.

Sarita break it to you, Thorn, but I love her.

And I'm Sarita to be the one to tell you,

but we're brothers now.

No, we're not.

-Let me out! -Yeah, come on.

-No, we're not. Let me out. -Yes, we are! Yes, we are!

No, no, no, no, no. Listen.

Sarita to get personal here, Thorn.

But I'mma tell you the three things

I love about her, okay?

Number one. She gives a mean FJ. That's a foot job.

Jesus, fuck off.

Okay. Number two.

She said we can name the first kid Farvy.

Farvy Farva.

Sounds kinda Indian don't you think?

No.

And number three.

She said she loves it when I go downtown to Mumbai town.

-Fuck off! -Okay, okay.

Hey, come on.

You wanna watch me piss?

Hey, I'm-a-peein' in here. What country's that?

Did you know that 29 of the last 35 champions

of the Scripps National Spelling Bee have been Indian?

The most recent winner's family immigrated from Hyderabad,

which of course you know, is the capital of Telangana.

Isn't that incredible?

There are 5.4 million Indians in the United States.

That's 1.6% of the population,

and yet they won 83% of the spelling bees.

I mean, what do you even call that?

I don't know what you call that.

Well, do you know what to call it?

Brown supremacy?

- That's exactly... - Testing. Can you guys hear me?

This guy kills me.

- Thank you. - You're welcome, sir.

Is this on? As you all know,

I am deathly allergic to lobster.

I did not know that.

-First I've heard of it. -News to me.

This forbidden red fruit of the sea

has always been forbodden to me.

Pretty ironic for the son of a lobster man.

-Did you guys know that? -Did not know that either.

I didn't. No.

-No idea. -No, sir.

Is he not a test tube baby?

It's funny, as I tell this story,

I can hear my accent comin' back.

Irregardless, on this my bacheloriate day,

and in honor of my new father.

I am going to beat this bastard and ride the dragon.

Rodney, you could go into anaphylactic shock.

That is what the EpiPens are for.

One for everyone.

Great.

Smoke 'em if ya got 'em, guys.

Okay, here we go.

Now, you are not to use the EpiPens

unless you hear my safe word.

Which is what, best man?

"Calamari."

-Give it to me again. -"Calamari."

"Calamah."

One, two, three. Ooh.

You know, in the UK, they call this

death by misadventure.

I always thought that sounded cool.

By my count, this is the second time

you've tried to kill Farva in a week.

- Yeah. - This is happening.

-So, we are talking... -This is happening.

...murder, right? Because I'm happy to have

the conversation--

Hold!

He's not breathing.

Hold.

My God, he's like Frankenstein.

Frankenfarva.

Lobster!

Lobster!

W-We should try to save him, right?

Hold!

-Thorny, do something! -Fine!

"Calamari. Calamari. Calamari."

Calamari!

♪ Tonight's the night For drinking ♪

♪ Whiskey, rum and mead ♪

♪ It won't be ships We're sinking ♪

♪ We're getting drunk indeed ♪

♪ We sail away tomorrow ♪

♪ To some uncharted lands ♪

♪ So let's drink Away our sorrow ♪

♪ Let's drink 'Til we can't stand ♪

♪ With a yo-ho-ho And a yo-ho-hey ♪

♪ For the booty We will fight ♪

♪ With a yo-ho-ho And a yo-ho-hey ♪

Fuck you, Farva.

♪ Our bounty's spent tonight ♪

Whoa!

♪ To Davy Jones's locker ♪

♪ We might be sailing still ♪

♪ So let's get drunk Me hearties ♪

♪ No matter what the swill ♪

Get him!

♪ With a yo-ho-ho And a yo-ho-hey ♪

♪ For the booty we will fight ♪

Yeah!

♪ With a yo-ho-ho And a yo-ho-hey ♪

♪ Our bounty's spent tonight ♪

♪ To Davy Jones's locker ♪

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -♪ We might be sailing still ♪

♪ So let's get drunk Me hearties ♪

-♪ No matter what the swill ♪ -Get off of me!

♪ So let's get drunk Me hearties ♪

♪ No matter what the swill ♪

I saw God.

He was an albino.

Calamari!

Okay, fine, you were right. He is crazy.

So, you'll call off the wedding?

That sounds like progress.

And time for the kill shot.

Okay.

Are you trying to count?

Four, six.

-Rodney... -Ten, fifteen.

- Four, six... - I'm trying to count.

Hi, Thorny.

Hello.

-Hi, Thorny. -Hello.

Now, see that guy over there?

What's my blood sound like?

I can't count if you're talking.

Hi.

Oh, hey, guys.

Someone's havin' a three-way.

You got a real dastardly villain vibe

going right now.

Arcot, stop this.

They're too beautiful. He'll be tempted.

Dad, it's not me. It was on his list.

Oh, wait.

Are you guys originally from Vermont?

Oh! Oh, are we-- Are we leaving?

-Don't do anything I wouldn't do!

But they just brought out

the calamari.

Maybe we should get a to-go plate.

Hey, you guys want a to-go plate?

What does it matter?

If this is truly who he is, he cannot marry my daughter.

The wedding is off.

-Winner, winner. -Chicken dinner.

Okay!

Time for some speeches!

Cap, Cap, Cap. No.

Hey, hey, hey. You're lucky I don't arrest you, Roto.

Now it's time for some kind words.

I don't know Fa-ra-va that well.

But I know he must be good, because he's marrying an Indian.

Oh, I--

I really wish I had married Indian,

but my stupid wife, Colleen,

is Scotch-Irish, where no one fun comes from.

Scotchland. Boo!

- Bats! - Captain!

You all right, Cap? You all right?

Oh, God. That looks like it hurt.

What the fuck?

Okay.

Time to put a nail in this coffin.

Let's do it.

Yeah!

Oh, I like that a lot. Now the other one.

- Yeah! - You got him.

One, two, three. Go!

Oh, God. It's so deep.

Dad! What the hell?

Boopy, I told you. They were too beautiful!

Hello, boys.

Pull up a cuck chair.

Oh, shit!

As far as mushroom overdose,

Ask Jeeves says we should look out for scromiting.

"Scromiting?" What the hell is scromiting?

Hey, guys.

I'm doing a food order for the after party at Thorny's.

Dude, that's not gonna happen.

Come on. We can save this.

I'll DoorDash a couple dozen wings--

It's the end

of the line, kid. All right? Read the room.

You all right,

Markowski?

He has a compound leg fracture.

But he was supposed to walk me down the aisle!

Mom. Technically this wasn't Dad's fault.

See, Farva had this list and--

No. We must always speak honestly.

It was I who got intoxicated and made love to two strippers.

-Dad! -The beef meat surged

through my loins.

I've heard of whiskey dick but not beef dick.

And I take full responsibility for that.

But know this: In the face of enormous temptation,

Rodney remained faithful.

Mukun.

You have made very poor choices.

However,

you have spoken honestly, so I shall forgive you.

But here is the deal, though.

Not now.

I shall have revenge sex

at a future date, and you will accept it.

That is fair. A sex-ception for a beef-ception.

Hmm.

I can't believe you arranged this.

No. No, no. Farva really did have a list.

Oh, yeah? And was Dad banging strippers

and eating beef on the list?

He put the beef in Dad's mouth.

You told me to.

And those women said to thank you for the three-way.

Arcot.

Did you arrange the ménage à trois?

Uh...

Shall I go ask them?

Okay. Okay. So, I know them from my swingers club, but--

How could you?

I don't want you at my wedding tomorrow.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Sarita break it to ya, Thorn,

but we're giving you a minus one.

You're disinviting me?

We're giving you a minus one.

-Just say you're disinviting me. -Minus one!

You got any more minus ones lying around?

I don't know. Who's it for?

I can't believe you're choosing Farva over me.

This idiot still thinks the moon landing was staged.

I'm just asking questions.

It's time to go, Boopy.

Brave move, babe.

Scromiting! I get it now. Scream vomiting.

Whoa!

All right, first stop.

Hey, Mac. Are you sure we can't just drop you off at your place?

Nah, I'm good. I stopped drinking a while ago.

Well then, let's get it going again, huh? Shots?

No, I-I think we gotta get Cap'n McShroomy back home.

Unless you wanna stop off for fondue?

Yeah, night's over, Rook. Safe travels, guys.

No, I'm fine. Fine.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

All right, fuckin' Sportif Le Electrique.

Power on.

No, you sound like a hamster fart.

Give me a '69 Mustang.

Okay. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Now, let's do the automatronic driving thing

to Duck Neck Creek.

Oh!

Yes! Let's jump that creek.

Whoa.

Whoa, look at you. The wheel moves.

Auto drive. Nice. What other tricks you got?

How's it going, eh?

Welcome to Le Sportif Electrique

vehicle voice system.

Look at you. You speak.

Please enter your command, bud.

I could do without the Canadian accent though.

Do you have any other options?

Bonjour.

Bienvenue au le système vocal du véhicule...

...Le Sportif Electrique.

Fuck that shit. Go back.

Je ne comprends pas. Veuillez saisir votre compte--

- English. Canadian. English. - Je ne comprends pas.

Gotcha, eh.

Duck Neck Creek approaching there, bud.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Safety protocols engaged.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, what's happening? What the hell are you doing?

I ordered you to jump that creek.

Sorry, bud.

That order's too dangerous for the vehicle's occupant.

Override safety protocol. Let's go.

I'm afraid safety protocols

can't be overridden.

Bullshit.

You're the machine, and I'm the human,

- and I wanna jump that creek. - Sorry.

This vehicle is not authorized to jump Duck Neck Creek.

Let me tell you something, you Canadian shit box.

I need to jump that creek.

Why's that?

Because I need to.

Why's that?

Because I wanna feel young again, okay?

There. I said it. Are you happy?

Why's that?

Fuck off, you stupid Canuck fucking car.

Sorry.

Fucking piece of shit, fucking Canadian.

Green, fuckin' sensible,

eco-friendly fucking piece of shit car.

Fuckin' Le Sportif Electrique, piece of shit motherfucker.

Only one fucking thing I want you to do,

you fucking piece of shit, Canadian ass,

fuckin' silent car.

- Hey. Do not follow me. - Sorry.

I am tasked with monitoring the safety of my driver.

I don't give a shit. You're not even a real car, you know that?

You're a toy that needs to be plugged in.

And let me tell you something else.

You will never ever be as good

as an American highway patrol car,

and I hate you. You hear me? And I never wanna

see you again.

Sorry.

The hell?

What is this?

Syrup?

Corn syrup?

It's the best.

Well, well, well.

Those aren't cheese baskets.

Psst! Mac!

Coy. What are you doing here?

I heard some chatter on the CB about some shady shit

going down at the Buchanan's old barn.

Yeah, they're running a drug lab.

What?

Yeah. Okay, here's the plan.

I'll go left. You go right.

-Okay. -Okay.

Okay.

You go left, and I'll go right.

Fine.

We'll both go left and we'll both go right.

Now the night's over, Mac.

Good morning!

Wakey wakey.

What's up, bitch?

Ah, from selling weed to cooking meth.

You Buchanans are really moving up in the world.

It's not meth.

Our shit's way better.

Thanks to our secret ingredient.

Moose Clock corn syrup.

So, you made it look like

those trucks were being vandalized,

but really you were just stealing the syrup.

That's our secret sauce.

You cook it with molly, oxycodone, and antifreeze,

and it'll get you higher than a giraffe's asshole.

Yeah, we call it Canadian Crystal.

Holy shit. That's a stupid fucking name.

You got a better fucking name for it?

Yeah. How about Molly Molly Oxy Freeze?

Shit. That is better.

-Way fucking better. -Fuck!

Why didn't you think of that?

Plus, you guys don't even make the drugs in Canada.

Yeah. That's the fucking genius of it.

We cook it here, we smuggle it there,

and then the cops are running around,

trying to figure out, "Hey, which of you Canadians

are selling this shit?"

So, it's actually the smart thing,

and you said it was the dumb thing.

So, get fucked.

And the event planning is just a cover.

If we told you that we'd have to fucking kill you.

We do have to kill him.

Actually, we do have to kill you, Mac.

We rent wedding supplies in Canada

and return them stuffed full of our real money maker.

- Hmm. - That's why

this Indian thing's perfect.

You wouldn't believe how much shit

we could fit inside of an elephant.

Drugs. A tiny guy one time.

We put drugs inside the guy.

Put the guy inside the elephant.

It was like a Russian doll situation.

Mm, still, it's pretty pathetic you guys have to pose

as wedding planners to sell drugs.

We're not wedding planners.

Yeah, we're not wedding planners,

okay?

We're not fucking wedding planners.

Yeah. I'm the wedding planner. Remember?

These two are just my little jackass helpers.

Well, we're not just her little helpers.

We're actually the brains of the operation.

No. You can't be the brains of the operation

if you don't have a brain.

Oh, shit, Steve.

You got served.

What'd you say?

- Oh! - Ooh.

Ouch!

- Yeah! - That looked like it hurt.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the fox in our henhouse.

Hey, Mac. Can I get you a coffee?

With cream.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How long you been working with them?

Ever since I sold weed for them back in high school.

Little Coy Boy may be your rookie,

but he's always been our little bitch.

Little bitch.

Becoming a cop though did have its upsides.

Yeah. Until he fucked it up.

Ow, what did I do?

You know what you did.

You knew we were packing Dumbo last night,

and your one job was to keep the cops drunk

and away from here.

I tried, okay?

Next time, you can hang out with these

mustache-worshipping losers.

You probably can't even grow a mustache.

I can grow a fucking mustache. Hit him again.

With pleasure.

Oh!

- Yeah. - Fuck.

Now you're definitely not winning Rookie of the Year.

How do you tie this thing?

I don't know. Where's the rabbit?

Where's the hole?

Hey.

-All right, we gonna do this? -Yeah, let's do it.

-There he is! -Hello!

Heck of a night, Markowski.

My head feels like a boiled owl.

Last thing I remember is beef dancing.

How about that speech?

What speech?

You don't remember giving that racially edgy speech

in front of Thorny's parents last night?

Stop. Okay? I know what you're doing.

I have nothing but love for that culture.

Yeah. You demonstrated that love last night,

and it was, uh, next level.

Yeah.

I mean, I do sort of remember getting up and saying something.

Yeah. You had a lot of interesting puns about

"currying" favor and sitting "Indian" style.

No, I didn't.

You don't remember telling Thorny's mom

you admired her spicy Mumbai dumper...

and that that proved you weren't racist?

I did?

We've been talking and, uh...

I think it's time we gave you a present.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't give books.

I give the books.

Am I Racist?

We thought we could discuss after you read it.

Don't tell him I'm here.

Don't tell him I'm here.

Thorn! How do I tie this sash?

Not my problem.

Where's Mac?

Not my problem.

I hope you like the cold, Mac.

Because we're about to freeze you solid

in Canadian Crystal.

Oh, no. Shit. You missed that.

We call it Molly Molly Oxy Freeze now.

-Oh, I like that. That's good. -It's good, I know.

I came up with that.

Oh, then actually it sucks.

Oh, you know it doesn't suck.

It doesn't really suck.

Hey.

B-t-dubz, Mac.

A lot of people's heads explode during the freezing process.

There's some great videos on TikTok.

Well, I got a little wedding to attend.

And we'll be back to take a frozen selfie with you

in a little while.

Don't you guys have to go do some wedding planner stuff?

How many times do I have to fucking tell you?

We're not wedding planners!

Ow!

-Why would I do that? -Come on, Steve.

Why would I do that?

Wow, look at this.

You look good, Markowski.

I hope so. I'm feeling pretty nervous.

-Namaste, fellas. -Oh. Namaste.

You'll have to check your firearms.

No guns at a Hindu wedding.

Sorry about that.

Next you'll say there's no alcohol.

Well...

-Oh, boy. -Oh.

Uh, let's go.

Have fun.

Oh, wow.

Okay. I've got some apologizing to do.

-H-Hold on, Cap-- -No, no, no, no.

A man must make amends.

Part of the Hindu tradition.

Namaste.

Rough night last night.

Yeah, uh, that's actually why--

-Samosa? -Oh.

Um...

Yeah. Thank you.

Mm.

I'm glad you're both here. Um...

I'd like to share how much love and respect

that I have for your culture.

And, well, when alcohol is coupled with debauchery,

sometimes the speeches, they can get a little randy.

And, uh...

You can't really fairly judge a man

when he's in-- in that state of--

What the hell is in this samosa? My mouth is on fire.

Oh, yours must have contained a New Delhi nose pepper.

Yeah, that's considered quite lucky.

In what fucking culture--

would that be considered lucky?

"Fucking culture?"

No, I didn't-- It's not-- That's not-- I've...

It's just because... you people gave me this.

I beg your pardon?

My mouth is literally fucking on fire!

It's like a dragon is inside my gums!

I'm not racist!

Let's see what you got, Farva.

The hell?

This is your investigation? Fucking Farva.

Cam.

No.

Okay.

There's Sarita's car.

I need another view here.

Think, Mac. Think, Mac.

Okay. Okay, this is bad.

Oh.

Mm! Yummy.

Minty.

Oh, perfect.

Oh, no, no, no. Guys, that's the bride's side.

Groom's is over there.

Plenty of room to stretch out.

Are Coy and Ursula on a date?

Why? Just 'cause they're sitting next to each other?

I'm gonna sit next to you. Does that mean we're dating?

Have you guys met my date, everyone?

There has to be more.

God damn, I need more traffic cams.

- Try Farva's body cam! - Oh!

Cap, you're here again?

You told me to get a hobby. I started a home garden.

And you're taking our shovel?

Mm! Government steel. Nothing better.

Okay. Okay.

I'm bored!

I hate retirement!

I wanted to see what was going on over here,

but everyone had gone to that damn wedding. Happy now?

Cap, we love having you around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, type it in.

Farva's body cam.

It's actually a good idea.

Yeah. It's called basic police work.

Play.

Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah

We call this a wet dog.

Dr. Pepper makes it spicy.

Fucking idiot.

Oh, now I got a slowpoke in front of me.

Come on, you slowpoke.

Get the molasses out of your asses.

It's probably a chick from Massachusetts.

Hey! Hey, Masshole!

Oh! My fucking hot dog!

Shit!

Fucking shit!

Son of a bitch. It was him.

This is when I wouldn't mind being...

a little bit taller.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please join us outside for a very special arrival.

Here comes the groom.

Farva in the house!

Look at me! I'm on an elephant!

Yeah, big boy.

-That's one magnificent beast. -The one with the long trunk

or the one marrying Thorny's sister?

Officer Womack acquired.

Now locating back up, eh.

Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?

We gotta stop that thing!

Oh, fuck! Come on!

I was monitoring your vitals

through the key fob. I detected a drop

in body temperature and tracked your location, bud.

Cap, we gotta get to that wedding.

You gotta get to that wedding.

I'd rather eat lumpy kitty litter.

Now, I'm off to see my girl in Brattleboro.

Sure you are.

Goddamn it!

-There he is! Go, go, go! -Yes!

Can't get away from us, little piggy!

Safety protocol override.

Engaging evade mode, eh.

He's going to Duck Neck Creek.

Calculating ideal trajectory.

Maximizing speed for increased distance and height.

Oh, shit!

Hey, watch it!

Fuck!

Send her, bud!

♪ Duck Neck Creek ♪

Whee!

♪ Duck Neck Creek ♪

Enjoy your vehicle from Tkachuk Motors,

where a good ride is our pleasure, eh.

He's heading towards the wedding.

Let's fucking go!

Mm-hmm!

- Yeah! - Oh, my God!

I love you.

- Yeah, come on! Come on! - All right!

All the Indians in the house say "Yeah!"

Yeah!

My people.

I'm talking about

-the Indians. -What the fuck is this?

Glorious. Now, in keeping with our Hindu tradition,

if there is anyone here who objects to this union...

I object.

Stop this wedding now!

And this is why Hindus don't have

guns at weddings!

Thorny, you are not welcome here.

Oh, I think you're gonna wanna hear this, Thorny.

See, there was something about the origin

of Farva and Sarita's relationship

that none of us knew.

That none of us could know.

Something so shocking

it would end this farce, once and for all.

Sarita!

I can't take it anymore.

Our love is based on a lie.

What?

Last night, when your old man got busted for eating beef

and having that ménage with the two hot strippers.

I know.

Let me finish.

He said,

"Nothing is more important than honesty."

And he told your mother the truth.

So, I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I ran you off the road that night.

What?

It was me.

No, Farva, you're not getting away with it. Not this time!

Arcot, let him speak his piece.

Mom, no. It's total bullshit.

Let the boy speak.

- Yeah! - Let Rod speak!

Let Rod speak! Let Rod speak!

Thank you, crowd members.

-Let Rod speak! -Okay, that's enough.

Let Rod speak!

Sarita, if you weren't driving so slow that night,

none of this would have ever happened.

But I mean, Indian drivers, am I right?

You guys know what I'm talking about.

All you know what I'm talking about.

But then, I saved you.

And you were so in love with me, and you're so hot...

...how could I not marry you?

So, can you ever forgive me?

Warning.

Warning.

Warning. Warning.

Warning.

Warning.

Warning. Warning.

Holy shit! It's Mac! Come on, let's get him up.

Okay. Okay. Easy. Easy.

Some kind of syrup. Not maple. Probably corn.

Coy, get some hot tea.

We're gonna try to defrost this guy.

A-Are we sure he's even still alive?

It might be too late.

I'll get the tea!

Holy shit!

Whoa, we were just driving and we saw Officer Womack

attached to that crazy car. Is he okay?

As the owners of this premises,

we need to get this man to a hospital, STAT!

-Baker, bungee cords. Let's go. -Got it.

Yeah, and I'll give you a police escort.

- Great idea, Coy. - Come on, Mac.

Come on.

He's alive!

And he's trying to say something!

I jumped Duck Neck Creek.

Okay, but is there more?

It meant a lot to me.

Great, but anything about this?

Uh, the Buchanans froze me.

EV saved me.

Delirium is a common sign of syrup poisoning.

-I Googled it. -That's true,

I just watched a whole segment about it

on Sanjay Gupta.

Canadian Crystal...

Smuggled... Elephant...

Buchanan drugs...

in elephant.

Are you saying that the Buchanans

stuffed that Canadian elephant

full of drugs and are gonna send it back over the border?

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, you got that, huh? Good for you.

Okay, he's clearly joking, right?

You tell me.

Enough! What are we gonna do?

Stop a beautiful wedding because a little boy

in a big brick of goo showed up out of nowhere?

Rabbit, check that elephant's ass for drugs.

Uh, I would, but I, uh,

I pulled my arm muscle candlepin bowling.

Fine. I'll do it.

This is fucking ridiculous.

Arcot, stop trying to ruin this wedding!

- Don't do it! - You wouldn't dare!

Don't you touch that animal!

Please, don't do it.

Oh.

Thorny, no.

Holy fuck!

-God! -Wow!

Pervert!

Hey. Don't forget to cup the balls.

Ramathorn, stop!

Why don't you stick your head up there?

You'll get a better look.

There's nothing in there.

Ugh.

All right. Everybody back in the tent.

Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here.

Shame. Shame on you.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame. Shame.

- Okay. I was wrong. - Shame. Shame.

- God. - Shame. Shame.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Mac, there was nothing in there.

They said, "elephant."

Okay, let's get this guy to a hospital now?

Hold on.

Wrong elephant.

Oh, for fuck's sake, what now?

I'll bet my left nut the drugs are in this elephant!

Drugs inside of Ganesh? Are you out of your mind?

Arcot Jambulingam Ramathorn,

don't you dare touch that statue.

Arcot, you godless animal. I have never been so ashamed.

Ah-ha!

Thank God. I needed a win.

You're a regular Sherlock Holmes, Thorny.

Freeze, you fucking Buchanans!

Look, everybody...

...chill the fuck out!

Coy is dirty.

He and Buchanans tried to kill me.

Fuck, I knew Coy was dirty.

Oh, shut up. No, you didn't.

Come on, bro!

Whoa, whoa, what's happening?

It's either gunshots or popcorn.

Ooh.

-Whoo! -Yeah!

Where the hell are your guns?

Hindu wedding.

No booze either.

But I know where the guns are. I'm on it.

-Let's go! Come on! -Come on!

Can somebody scratch my nose, please?

-Oh, fuck. -Go, go!

Oof!

Next time you're sixty-nining my ex-girlfriend,

tell her Foster says--

Fuck!

Mom!

I got her!

Oh, gosh!

Are you okay?

Yeah, but you aren't.

Rabbit! Come here!

Cover me!

Oh, shit!

Hey, guys. Let's go kick some ass.

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, take that, bitches!

What the fuck?

Freeze, you fucking Buchanans.

-Yeah. Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah, fuck you, wedding planners.

-Save the date... for jail! -Oh!

- Right? Am I right? - Burn!

Are you kidding me? We didn't do anything wrong.

This is bullshit.

- Sorry for partying. - Yeah.

Fucking drop it, or I'll spill his brains.

I'll do it. Don't make me!

I'll fucking kill him--

Have some samosas!

Oh!

- It burns! Ow-ow-ow. - It burns!

New Delhi Nose Peppers, bitch!

Okay. Okay. Everybody calm down.

I'm taking the bride as insurance.

Don't do it, Coy.

I swear to God.

I will put a bullet in her bindi.

Hey, Rookie.

It's been knife knowing ya.

Holy shit.

What the fuck?

I thought he hurt his arm bowling.

Way to go, Rook.

I'm the rookie again?

You gotta be a rookie to be Rookie of the Year.

- Oh! - Bang!

Hey.

Hey.

You okay?

I am. Thanks to you.

Ursula, I've been a complete fool

these last few weeks.

Yeah, well, you've kinda been a complete fool

the entire time I've known you.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, you and Coy, huh?

"Me and Coy" what?

I don't know, sex, HJ's, whatever.

It's cool. We were broken up, you know.

Ew! Gross, no! He's a child.

Who would wanna have sex with a 20-something?

Right. Gross.

Not me.

Thank you for saving my life, Todd.

No. I just...

hope that in some small way,

it makes up for my speech last night.

I thought my appreciation for your culture was evidence

that my heart was in the right place, but...

maybe it was just a front.

Maybe I am racist.

Wait, no, Markowski.

No, no, no, we were just fucking with you.

What?

-We made it up! -Seriously?

You didn't give a racist speech, Markowski.

It's fucking Captain!

-Captain. -Captain. Captain.

Why? I just can't--

-I don't know. Doesn't work. -I don't like-- Does not.

I don't know what is going on here.

But I think I've decided who my revenge fuck will be.

God damn Putzfimmel Syndrome!

Despite all the horrible things I said about this car...

...it saved my life.

I know.

We jumped the creek together.

Thorny, that was my white whale.

My w-white w-whale.

I know, little buddy. I know.

Hold me?

No. No.

Um...

How's my girl doing?

I'm fine, Rodney.

But I'm not your girl anymore.

Our whole relationship was based on a lie.

You ran me off the road, lied to me about it,

and then let me get taken hostage.

All true.

And I probably would've died...

...if not for Rabbit.

He's the real hero.

Rabbit.

He risked his life to save mine,

and I don't know what to say except...

I love you.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

God damn Putzfimmel's.

Wow.

Wow.

As you know, I've been going through a lot recently,

with the new guy getting all the attention.

I was jealous, and I just feel like I needed to be loved again.

And now, in the most unlikely way,

love found me.

Aww!

Love found me.

Yeah, I'm just kidding. Sorry, Rabbit.

-What? -Oh!

-I got you good, you fucker! -What's going on?

-Oh, shit! That's my girl! -Yeah!

Your girl!

-What? -Let's go get hitched, baby!

Yeah, let's do it!

Fuck you, Rabbit!

Today is about family,

and I did not want Rod Farva in my family.

Thorny.

But since I now know that this is not my choice.

My parents love him.

My sister loves him.

And, well... that's good enough for me.

So, since my objections have been overruled.

Do you Rodney Beauchamp Farva take Sarita Padmavati Ramathorn

as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And do you...

...Sarita Padmavati Ramathorn

take Rodney Beauchamp Farva

as your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Carl Oliver Foster.

Do you take Ursula Hanson as your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And Ursula Hanson, do you take--

Damn straight I do.

Then, by the powers vested--

Hey, Thorn?

I'd like to marry this car.

What?

I'd like to marry this car.

No. Dude, all that Canadian Crystal

has you spinnin' off Saturn's seventh moon right now.

Maybe, but I'd like to spend the rest of my days

with this car.

I'm not marrying you to a car.

I'm marrying the fucking car!

Fine.

Do you MacIntyre McDonald Womack

take Le Sportif Electrique

as your lawfully wedded partner?

I do.

Now, ask it.

And you better mean it. I'll know if you don't mean it.

Do you Sportif Electrique

take MacIntyre Womack as your partner?

I do not understand the question.

Please rephrase it and ask again, bud.

We do.

Then, by the powers vested in me by the great state of Vermont,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

And husband and wife.

And husband and car?

You may all kiss your brides.

Yes!

Thorny, I married your sister!

Yes!

Whoo!

Mm...

I give it a month.

Jesus.

Todd, I have a gift for you.

You didn't have to do that.

Just because the wrapper's wrinkled

doesn't mean the candy isn't sweet.

Check out number 58.

Okay.

-Ooh. -Oh. Uh.

"The Flying Squirrel."

Uh... But the...

Is it...?

Brother.

Congratulations--

Psych!

Come here, ya big softy.

You're gonna be an uncle!

Mukundan!

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

You're such a fucking idiot!

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

-Oh, my God. -♪ I needed money ♪

-♪ 'Cause I had none ♪ -Put it back, put it back!

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

Ow.

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I left my baby And it feels so bad ♪

♪ Guess my race is run ♪

♪ She's the best girl That I ever had ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law And the ♪

-Ah, this is nice. -Mm-hmm.

You know, Governor, they don't think you're real.

Who cares?

You need to stop hanging around that station.

If they'd only vacate the place for a few days,

I could get my money out of there.

How much is it?

Four million. Buried in the basement.

Hmm.

I know it's down there. And trust me, I will find it.

But I need everybody out.

You know, my secret service guys

could take care of that...

...little problem for you.

Laurie. If it were only Farva, maybe.

Now, your tub or mine?

Well, it's gonna take me at least

20 minutes to get out of this thing.

Let's do mine.

Ooh.

Retirement ain't so bad after all.

I will drink to that.

Hmm.

Oh, you. Action.

You, action. You!

-You, act. -You, action time, go.

- Act now. - Go now.

Twenty-three ch-- Charlie.

- Right. - Take one.

-Jeez. -Oh, God!

-Are you Farva? -I am.

Sorry. I thought you were Farva.

No, I'm Mac.

-Steve Lemme, nice to meet you. -I can remember you.

Sorry, I only read this about two days ago

because I didn't want to fucking--

There's still time to pass on the project.

Ay-ay-ay! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!

Okay, good. I think we're--

Shakespeare, there--

No. Fucking Shakespeare would never say it,

fucking peanut gallery.

I've done more Shakespeare

than you've had fucking hot dinners,

so don't even...

Does that look normal?

Faster, brother! Harder, brother!

Where'd you get that tan? The internet?

I actually have pigment syndrome.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Oh, give me a break!

Come on, dipshit!

Sorry.

Can you hear that?

That's three pieces of gum.

All at once. Can you hear it now?

Ow.

Can you hear me now?

I love that thing.

Can you hear me now?

-And you're the one who's... -Okay.

-...getting everybody to... -Okay.

...talk about my erections.

Cut it. Okay, good. Very nice.

Farva's gonna speak.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm gonna stare at you all night.

All right, cut.

Enough's enough, okay?

We're gonna stop a beautiful wedding

just because a little boy

in a big brick of frozen goo showed up?

No. It's a beautiful wedding,

and the only one covered in goo tonight should be the bride.

So, let's get back in our...

...positions, okay?

-That was good. Yeah. -Sorry!

Very nice.

IQBAL Boopy.

Are there any...

...hors d'oeuvres

or perhaps some crudités or shrimp cocktail?

I can't do--

We're going out to eat tonight, Dad.

Oh, sorry.

We're going out to eat tonight,

Dad.

Let's cut it. Let's not do all of them.

All right, we got it, we got it. Okay, good, we'll cut.

Very nice.

♪ Duck Neck Creek ♪