Original subtitles

Face it, it's a filthy, stinking world.

But there are some smashing things in it.

You want nothing but the best.

You know what it takes.

Go for nothing but the best.

You'll get the breaks.

Who said a gold mine was easy to find?

When you find that gold mine put up a sign.

"This gold is mine".

You want nothing but the best.

Don't stick to the rules.

You want nothing but the best.

Rules are for fools.

It's tough at the top.

Huff and puff at the top.

So stop.

Stop at nothing but the best.

And you'll find one day.

You'll have nothing but the best.

You'll get your way.

Never knowing which girl you'll take to your heart.

When you find that rich girl put up a sign.

"This girl is mine".

You want nothing but the best.

You know what it takes.

Go for nothing but the best.

You'll get the breaks.

It's tough at the top.

Huff and puff at the top.

So stop.

Stop at nothing but the best.

Nothing but the best.

There are some smashing things in the world.

And I want 'em...

one day.

But tonight, I want Nadine.

- Hey, can I give you a lift home, Nadine? - The way these ballroom yobs chase her.

You don't mind, do you?

I mean, it's flattering up to a point.

But she knows, in the office where we work,

I'm the one most likely to succeed.

Shall we go somewhere?

Home, really, I ought to.

- It's early. - Yes, but...

Like to come up to... my place, would you?

Have some coffee or something.

Well, I wouldn't mind a Wimpy.

Ah...

Oh, you pushed me right in the wet!

- I had to. - Driving like that!

Oh, I hate sports cars!

Lovely job that Alpha.

- Well, you know they could've killed us. - Really?

Oh! Whoa! My shoes!

- Mmm. - Three guineas these were!

- Oh... - Well, look at that! Three guineas!

Oh... Look, don't worry, I'll buy you a new pair.

What with?

Money.

Oh, no, look at me, Jimmy. I'm soaked!

Oh, I can't go home like this.

No, you can't, can you?

We'll have to lay you out somewhere to dry.

Come on, ladies and gents, drink up, please!

Goodnight, Angie! Come on, Phil!

- Bye-bye, Nadine. - Goodnight.

Oh, Jimmy, I'm squelching!

Hey, listen! I'm squelching.

I can cope with this kind of chick with my eyes shut.

She's strictly League Division Three but one has to keep in practice.

Sooner or later, of course, she'll have to go, but meanwhile...

No, no, no. Upstairs.

Is she difficult, your landlady?

Mrs March? No, she's all right but you have to watch it, that's all.

Hello, Mrs March.

Good evening.

Hello, Mr Brewster.

Just come home?

That's right, yes.

Had a good time, have you?

Oh, not bad.

You?

Yeah.

Yes!

I'll be going up then.

Anything you want down here before I...

No, not down here, no.

Isn't that typical of a landlady?

Puritan in the front hall and nympho in the back bedroom.

People are shocking, honestly.

Nothing but corruption.

Can't he see the zebra?

Can't he see the zebra?

Morning, Brewster!

People ought to be made to look where they're going.

Bloody should, yes. Silly old bitch.

- How are you, Dennis? - Not complaining.

- Give us a smile then. - I'll smile, nine o'clock.

Dennis and I are both on the bottom rung of the same ladder.

Thing about ladders, of course, is there's only room for one at the top.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Oh, particularly at Horton & Company.

Estates agents, valuers, property sharks, in the nicest possible way, of course.

Sooner or later, Dennis will have to go.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

- Morning, Nadine. - Morning.

- Morning, Nadine. - Morning, Mr Brewster.

Here, have you thought about going to the Lionel Hampton concert on the 5th then?

Leave her alone, Dennis. You should know better than to interrupt her

when she's listening to someone else's conversation.

Morning, Mr Horton.

Morning, Johnson.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr Horton. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Good morning, Mr Horton.

- Good morning. - Morning, Mr Horton.

The thing is, we're looking for a house.

Do you see? You do have houses here, don't you?

Oh, we do indeed, yes. What sort of price range were you looking for?

We've got 1,500 to put down. Saved.

Saved?

Look, if I were you, I'd try a suburban agent, more likely to help you.

Is Rembrandt hip or square this week?

Oh, Gerry, honestly, you do talk a lot of rubbish.

- The saleroom is just here, sir. - Saleroom's just here.

- Good morning, Miss Horton. - Good morning, Johnson.

Good morning, my lord.

- Come along. - Leave the keys, I'll do the needy.

Oh, thank you, Johnson.

Good morning, Miss Horton. Good morning, my lord.

Nice?

Mm.

- Passable. - Well, there you are, they passed.

Oh, you underestimate me, my dear.

- Who's on? - Mr Horton's talking to Mr Ferris.

Finished now.

Be wanting you in a tick.

Switchboard.

One moment, Mr Ferris.

There you are, what did I tell you?

You're psychic, aren't you?

Yes, Mr Ferris.

Have you got out those papers on investment packaging, Brewster?

I have, sir.

Mr Horton will want you to be very exact.

Oh, I will, sir.

You do realise they're for Lord Langham to peruse?

Oh, of course, sir.

Well? Take them up to Mr Horton's office immediately!

Right away, sir!

John Osborne, aren't you?

- Jimmy! - That's me, sweetheart.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. Yes. Yes, I'm trying to reconnect you.

- Ann, do I hear sherry? - Please.

- Hugh, any advance? - A sherry'd be fine. Thank you, sir.

Then, so be it.

Well, Ann, I hope you're reconciled to seeing less of this young man,

once he gets started.

There's one law for the poor

and exactly the same law for the rich in this office, you know.

Thank you, Daddy.

- Yes? - Mr Brewster's here, sir.

Have him in then, shall we?

Father's got a horse running in the 3:30 on Thursday.

Oh, going to win for a change, is he?

Well, you see, sir, this friend of mine...

This is the bit that gets me.

Your confidence draining away like bath water. Talk about butterflies in the belly.

By the time you get to his desk, you can hardly stand up, let alone talk.

Pecked to death by bloody butterflies.

You'd be surprised how big the West End is these days.

- Indeed so, sir. - Yes, indeed.

Stanmore is virtually Baker Street and Baker Street is practically Berkeley Square,

and Berkeley Square remains, I'm glad to say, Berkeley Square.

Just.

Well, Brewer,

how do you feel about acting as Lord Langham's instructor?

- Show him the ropes, eh? - I'll be all right, sir.

- I've brought the, er... - There you are, you see, Hugh.

It'll be "all right".

Viva on Monday suit you?

- Viva? Erm... - Voce.

Test.

Ah, yes. Yes, yes.

Be sure you set him some savage questions.

I will.

Well, I think we'd better be going, Ann, don't you?

Off you go then.

- Bye-bye, Daddy. - Bye-bye, darling.

- Floch. - Brewer.

Sir Basil's waiting in the hall, Mr Horton.

Is he? Then he can wait.

I'm sure Lord Langham will pick things up very quickly, sir.

A first class chap Langham, first class.

In the upshot, he'll do in five minutes something

that will take anyone else five months to do.

How long have been with us, er... Brewer?

Brewster, sir.

- Five months. - Oh?

Mr Ferris gave me to understand you were quite experienced.

I was some time with County Development and Trust.

Were you though? Trust what, I wonder?

Ah, Basil, my dear chap!

No one told me you were here. Do forgive me.

I thought if we went along to the club.

Get into the coffee room before the Treasury boys, eh?

- How are you though? - I'm all right.

- How's Ellen? - Oh, she's splendid, thank you.

Pratt's.

"How are you though? How's Ellen?"

"Pratt's."

Brewster.

Sir?

You'd better get straight over to Mr Coates now, would you?

- Well, I couldn't hurry Mr Horton. - No, but you could hurry yourself.

Would you, please?

Mr Coates?

- Yes. - Excuse me. I'm James Brewster.

Oh, yes. Oh, that's all right. I'll talk to you about it again, all right?

Oh, erm... I'll tell you what I want.

I want you to talk to these City people.

I've got these sites that I want to develop.

I've been approached by Samson, Wright & Slater, the merchant bankers.

Young Adrian Slater's been on to me. Do you know him?

I... I've met him, I've met him.

Well, there's no point if you haven't.

Oh, I've met him several times.

Well, he's far too upper-crusty for me.

Now, what I want is, you people can give these sites

the Horton seal of health and respectability.

So that people won't ask too extortionate terms?

There's a phone in the site office.

I'm glad you're a friend of young Adrian's.

James who?

Brewster.

Look, I think we did actually, er...

I think one of your chaps is calling you, Mr Coates.

I'm sure I...

Oh, yes.

Er, look, I'm from Horton's. We haven't actually met.

But they brought me over from County Development and Trust

to deal with this side of things.

I see.

I just wanted to make sure you weren't subbing for an office boy or something.

So you know about this Coates business then, do you?

Well, actually, I've been messing about with Lord Langham all morning.

Erm... But Fred Coates is getting me on to things at the moment.

Oh, you're in Hugh Langham's department, are you?

Well, he's in mine, actually.

Oh, I see.

Well, actually I'm lunching. Er, how about three o'clock?

Yes, rather, yes.

Er, yes, I'm lunching too.

Er, yes, three... three o'clock at Horton House

and then, of course, the girl can be sorting out the papers.

Well, see you then.

Yes, well, it will be nice to see you again, Adrian. Three o'clock.

- Yes, it'll be okay. - Oh, good.

Well, I can rely on you to bring home the salami.

- Yes. - The more slices the better, huh?

- Better not be late for that lunch, eh? - Ah, yes, yes.

You know what The Savoy's like at this hour.

If Slater invests his money in Coates' property development,

then it'll be a step up the ladder for me.

Let's hope I don't get the butterflies when I meet Slater.

There are no butterflies like establishment butterflies.

Do you mind if I, er...? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Beastly stuff, H2O.

Thank you.

- May I have some water, please? - Yes.

You were saying?

Chubby chump chop with whole yum-yum Idaho potatoes.

- I can't remember what was I saying? - Idaho?

This antique shop he's opening.

- Jumbo burgers. - Oh, yes.

- I don't think it's going to happen. - Path to oblivion paved with jumbo burgers.

I tell you what, give me one of those Italian jobs.

- I'll believe it when I see it. - Precisely.

And a pair of size 9 knitting needles, if you would.

- Sorry? - Cutlery.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, you... you work for old Horton, do you?

- Yes. - Do you? Do you?

What a coincidence.

Why?

Well, I did once.

Oh, did you really?

What's your name then?

Charles Prince.

One Napolitano and cutlery.

Grazie tante.

Before your time I expect.

Not a bad place to work, I suppose, in some ways.

Why did you leave?

Oh, let's just say that one day the door opened and in walked a large cloud

and shortly afterwards I left, under it.

Why? Er, what did you do?

Oh, look here, I forged a few cheques and things like that.

You know, this is really quite revolting, isn't it?

Forged?

Yes.

My father believed that everyone should work his way up from the bottom.

The trouble with the bottom is, is that it is such an incredibly long way down.

Well, yes. Yes, it is.

Got a florin on a gee. I must see what happened to it.

Whatever became of that girl?

Have you got any of those to spare?

Do you mean these?

Well, it seems silly to pay for lunch when you can give 'em those paper jobs.

Well, I...

Well, don't look so apprehensive. I'll give you a brandy instead.

- Oh, look, are you going? - I have to leave soon.

- I... - I've got to give Mummy moral support

- for the new hat. - Thanks awfully.

- Sit down. - Oh, it's lovely.

What a blood nerve he's got.

He's only an upper-class villain but he knows what I need to know.

And I can talk to him.

Silly fellow fell off.

Never mind your rotten horse.

If you'll excuse me asking, about this forgery...

Oh, it's all right. Wouldn't have anything to do with it if I were you.

It's terribly hard work.

You have to practise so hard. It's worse than the violin.

Over and over and over again. Such a drag.

Well, what happened at Horton's? You know, after, erm...

Nothing.

Nothing?

Expect them to shop me, did you? No, we don't go in for that.

I wasn't pinching baked beans at the Co-op, you know.

My old man made good the damage and the whole thing was hushed up.

Ah, you mean, er...

Oh, he turned a little sour in private afterwards.

Fortunately, the women of our clan have soft hearts

and they prevailed on him to pension me off.

The result is I, erm, I get quite a decent monthly allowance.

Allowance?

Yes.

Do you, er...?

What?

Er, do you play this? Er...

- Oh, yes. Mmm. - Mmm.

Unfortunately, however, I have my weaknesses.

Hoblins and goblins and four-legged beasties,

and things that go jump in the day. Got a bob?

Oh. Yes.

But I still don't understand. I mean, an allowance?

Well, there are conditions.

In return for my pension I'm honour bound not to embarrass the family

or any of its three million friends and acquaintances with my disreputable presence.

There's nothing that gives one such a healthy moral glow...

as being honour bound not to do something

which one would absolutely loath to do in any case.

Play you for ten bob. Ugh!

Oh. Er, sure.

Ideal existence really.

If only I had a little more of the green and crinkly.

All yours.

You know, you don't look exactly destitute to me.

I am though.

Bad luck.

In fact, I shall shortly be pounding the pavements in search of new digs.

Good shot.

New digs?

Yes.

My esteemed landlord, may he broil in yum-yum oil,

has let my apartment to another.

Blue.

Neat!

Are you really looking for new digs?

Am, yes.

Blast! Bished it.

You know, I was thinking.

How would you like to move in with me for a bit?

I've got a spare camp bed, actually.

My dear chap, you don't want to sleep in a camp bed.

Er, well, I didn't...

No, I really shouldn't take advantage of you, but of course I shall.

Gaudy but sound.

Got a bit of stuff to collect, do you mind?

Well, I'm supposed to be meeting someone at three, actually.

Oh...

Well, look here, you'd sooner let it go, would you?

Oh, no.

No, we'd just better hurry.

We'll find ourselves a cab, in due course.

Black!

Half an hour to get to Horton's and meet Adrian Slater.

This nit could delay me.

But this nit can help me.

No, it's all right, you wait here.

I'm not losing him.

There's no point in leaving decent gear within range of acquisitive landlords.

Here.

I've great faith in an ingenious piece of paper known as a cloakroom ticket.

West London Air Terminal.

When one does absolute nothing it's very important to keep fit.

Yes.

Come on, fellows.

Waterloo.

- Oh, er, got a bob? - Oh. Yes.

Of course.

Marylebone.

Stamp collection.

Swaps.

Results, today's results.

Give him a hand, driver, will you?

I didn't think it would worry you, Mrs March.

No. I never mind an extra man about the place. Why should I?

In the same line of business as Mr Brewster, are you, Mr Prince?

Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not in a line of business at all.

- Oh, is that right? - I'm recovering from a long illness.

What I need is rest. My family wants me kept very quiet.

Perhaps you'd be better in bed.

It's very good of you to say so, but I think I'll last on my feet for an hour or two.

Look, if you can do this, I've really got to go.

Oh, don't worry. Mrs March and I will have this straight in no time.

Won't you, Mrs March?

I think you'd better explain to Mr Prince, I'm not here to do the domestics.

And if you want to put that in the cellar, you can bring it down any time.

Yes, I'm afraid I don't go bull on being raped before six in the evening.

- Have I done the wrong thing? - No. No, it's okay.

I'll fix her. Er, see you later.

Oi, guv'nor.

- £3.15 to pay. - What?!

Well, your friend upstairs said you'd settle.

Oh.

Well, er...

I want to go back up West anyway, actually. I'm, er, hell's late.

Only a quid.

This taxi driver's simply got to go.

Or I have.

Of course, I have.

Driver, pull up here a moment, will you? Just grab a paper.

Down one side.

And up the other.

Now, for old Ferris.

He's going to be pretty niggled.

Must get the skids under him.

Give him the insecurity jitters.

Are you in trouble. You should have heard what Mr Ferris said.

Twenty to four!

Your appointment with Adrian Slater was at three o'clock.

Three thirty. I phoned.

Didn't you get my message?

Message?

- Wretched switchboard girl! - Well... Well, where were you?

Well, I couldn't really hurry Sir Charles. I mean, you know what these people are.

Sir Charles? Sir Charles who?

Er, where is Mr Slater now, by the way?

Mr Slater, by the way, has gone, by the way.

- Sir Charles who? - Well, Mr Horton did ask me not to say.

- Oh, I see. - But if you insist I could always...

No, no, no. There's no need to. I mean, I... I... I... I don't...

- I expect Slater we'll sort it out somehow. - Not of you.

Yes.

Mr Coates for you.

Now, Brewster, are you there? Hello, Brewster?

Dennis! Dennis! Take it for me, will you?

Hello, Brewster. Is that you?

Dennis!

Er, Mr Coates. Er, look, I'm, er...

I'm afraid I, er...

That was a pretty stupid thing you did, standing Slater up.

He seems to think we're going elsewhere for our finance.

He assumed you'd found another group to do business with.

I suppose you think you've been pretty clever?

Yes. Well, I thought it was the best way to play.

Ah, there's always money about if you know where to go.

What's he got to say for himself then?

He wants to increase his stake and take down the interest by half a per cent.

Ah. Yes, I thought he might.

I don't like confidence tricks.

There's more to business than being a smart operator.

Congratulations, anyway, and, er, don't do it again.

I want you to apologise to young Slater.

Send him a bunch of flowers, you know.

I think we ought to meet for a chat.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

Now, let me see.

Erm, I'm a bit full next week.

How about Friday? I think I can manage that.

Good, good.

- Going my way? - Could be.

How about that Lionel Hampton concert on the 5th?

- How do you get the tickets? - A-ha!

Quite an afternoon.

If Adrian Slater hadn't got the wind up, I could be out on my ear.

Horrible world. You have to trick your way to the top.

Poor old Nadine. I could have got her into real trouble,

accusing her of not giving Ferris a non-existent message.

It's a stinking world.

However, better rearrange the past in case there's any trouble in the future.

Would you say I called this afternoon about a quarter to three, said I'd be delayed?

- What, do mean, phoned? - Yes, you know, if they ask.

- Would you? Said I'd be delayed. - Oh, all right.

- See you then. - Oh, Jimmy, I thought that we...

- My bus. Don't forget. - No, I won't.

And the phone call. Bye.

Look at that idle crumb.

I hope he's not going to be a pain in the left cheek.

He hasn't cleared this place up at all.

Never mind.

Control, control.

I very much want to use you, Charlie Prince.

Only wake up.

Suppertime.

Oh...

I wasn't too sure what to do so I thought far better to leave it all up to you.

One must feed the goose if one wants him to lay the golden eggs.

Always put the trough near the slaughterhouse door.

It's about time you, erm...

Blast it!

You told me what the game was, don't you think?

Game?

Yes.

I mean, you're being a perfect host and wildly generous and all that bit, but, erm...

you must have got me here for some reason.

What is it?

Well, if you must know.

It's an idea.

You remember what you said about a forgery?

I thought as much.

Planning a job, are you?

Oh, good heavens, no. I'm not a criminal.

Do I look like a criminal?

- No, it's just that I... - Just that you want to forge something.

Well, what is it you want to forge?

You.

I beg your pardon.

You.

You've got something I want. Er...

Style.

Is that why... which, what?

Yes.

Bloody hell!

Here was I thinking we were going to take the Bank of England for a quarter of a million,

and all you're after is a dancing master.

I'll make it worth your while.

You may think it's funny.

One more ambitious yob. Heaven help us.

'Cause that's what you are, isn't it?

Yes, I am ambitious, dead ambitious.

Yes, aren't you? Dead.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Got anything to drink?

- It's a trick, isn't it? - Of course it's a trick.

- Shall I show you another trick? - Yeah.

Yeah. Hold these then.

Just watch this.

Hello.

Mrs March.

I want a fiver from you, and you're lucky he took it.

Who took it?

That taxi driver you ditched this afternoon.

Look, I was in a hellish hurry and I... I just forgot all about him.

End of the week?

Oh, any time will do.

Miserable old stale bun. She'll have to go, one day.

Oh, hello. Where did you get to?

- You mentioned something about money. - Oh, yes.

- How much do you actually... - My dear fellow,

I wouldn't dream of taking money for a thing like this.

I've no intention of earning an honest penny at my time of life.

Oh, you must have something.

On the other hand, I am a little bit tight until the end of the month,

so if you could see your way to a small loan.

- Ten do you? - Let's say 12.

I hate round numbers. They remind me of my trustees.

Do you know, I always believe in starting a new job drunk.

Now, we must consider your education.

Cambridge, of course.

If you've been to a red brick university you have to remember what you've learnt.

But if you've been to a blue brick you've not only got to forget what you've learnt,

but, if possible, what subjects you read as well.

Absent-minded professors may be out of date,

but absent-minded graduates are still very much the thing.

Grab a cab, shall we?

Provided when you arrive you bring one of these things with you

and put it into circulation, you can use the nearest one thereafter.

Yes, but, er, we didn't bring one.

No, well, er, that's where we're different.

If pressed, you're probably best to say that you read history.

- You don't know any history, do you? - No. Well...

- Not really. - Excellent.

In order to be an historian, it's only necessary to refer to other historians

by their Christian names.

Hugh Trevor-Roper, Alan Taylor, Arnie Toynbee and so on. It never misses.

And you probably ought to know a few dirty stories about the Caesars.

"Bloody's" a very useful adjective, by the way.

Always talk about "bloody people", like "bloody Wellington",

"bloody Wilberforce", "bloody Napoleon", "bloody Constantine",

and bloody people like that.

The more saintly people are, the more violent the abuse you heap upon them.

One never speaks bitterly about Hitler,

but it's decidedly common to have a good word for Schweitzer.

Spring from the stretcher!

Keep your blades covered!

Trouble with those people is they won't try, they want to work!

One's always very keen on other people working.

Look at stroke. Won't get a blue at that rate.

Quicker into the water!

More drive from the stretcher!

Oh, damn! That's the last of the lighter fuel.

Come on, we'd best be off.

If there's one thing I can't bear to watch it's people being bloody lazy!

Come on.

Well, James, you've been to Cambridge. That's a start.

Yes.

Well, I think you might give me a viva on Monday, don't you?

- Viva? - Voce. Test.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course, viva.

What do you know about vivas? There Oxford jobs really.

Mind you set me some stinkers.

What would you think about a Lynch Bages '55?

Amiable claret, a bit on the stingy side.

Fair enough.

Now, politics. What's wrong with the Socialists?

Out of date. No need for 'em.

- And the Conservatives? - They're going pink at the edges.

- The Liberals? - Er, who?

What's wrong with the British workman?

He's too bloody... middle class by half.

British royalty?

Too bloody middle class by half.

British management?

- Ought to pull its finger out. - Indeed it should.

- Negroes are? - Very fine cricketers.

- Some of them. - Americans?

They let us down over Suez.

And the French?

They let us down in 1940.

The Germans?

Er, best infantry in the world.

Indeed they are.

Game, set and match, Miss Truman.

Just time for a spot of breakfast, I think, don't you?

Before you go off to work,

and I go off to bed.

Game, set and match.

I don't think it's bloody worth it. It's not bloody worth it.

James!

My allowance is due today.

All well?

Afraid you weren't going to recover all those lavish advances of yours, were you?

No.

Well, provide me with a pen and I shall provide you with a signature,

and you shall go to the bank and recover them this very morning.

Morning.

- Good morning, sir. - Hello. Good morning.

Good morning.

- And you're Mr James Brewster? - Er, yes.

Well, I wonder, sir, if I might have some form of identification?

You know, driving licence, that sort of thing.

Oh.

Mm.

Yes, sir. Would you mind signing your name here, please, sir?

- Fives? - Oh, yes, fives.

Two hundred and fifty pounds in fives, sir.

- Thank you. - Thank you, sir.

Bye-bye.

Ones, please.

A wallet full of Charlie's money.

Charlie's suit.

Charlie's shirt.

Charlie's watch.

I feel like Charlie!

It is certainly bloody worth it.

The world is my oyster

and there's an "R" in every month.

A-Type lady, E-Type Jag.

Both very desirable.

And I want 'em.

Sorry to interrupt you in the middle of a chapter.

Oh, hello.

Have you seen Hugh at all?

Er, been having a beer with a client, I think.

Oh, stinker! He was supposed to be taking me to lunch.

Well, he... he should be along any moment.

Yes, well, if he isn't he'll find nothing but my whitened bones by the kerbside.

I'm famished.

- Well, I, erm... I don't suppose you'd, erm... - So sorry to have kept you, darling.

I got held up.

- Look, I'm so sorry. - Don't mention it.

You sound a bit methylated.

Do I? You're the one who's been boozing.

And boozing to good effect.

Oh? How so?

I managed to get a double ticket for that unspeakable hunters' b you wanted to go to.

Friday the 5th.

Have you? How madly high-powered of you.

- Can we eat now? - Well, let's.

James.

Hunters' b. Hunters' b.

Hunters' b!

Seen my tie?

My tie.

The tie.

Mmm.

Rather makes me wish I was coming with you.

Can't do that, I'm afraid.

No need to draw heavy lines under the obvious.

Hunt balls are just the sort of places where my ex-friends and relations cluster.

- Like honeys round a fly pot. - Yes.

And, er, two into one set of tails won't go.

Never was any good at division.

Well, you look a little lovelier each day.

I'm sure society will press you to her bosom,

like the eager old harlot she is.

God bless you, James, and God help society.

I think you'll pass.

Hmm.

A really successful gatecrasher is the man who looks

as if he's doing the party a bloody great favour by being there at all.

Let's hope she's here, that's all.

Hmm.

Miss Horton, what a fantastic coincidence.

I'd no idea you were going to be here.

Hmm.

Ann.

This really is fantastic.

Shall we dance?

Shall we... dance?

Oh, hello, Hugh. How are you?

Ah!

Fancy these Wiseley people holding their ball the same night as the Bellingham's.

No appreciation of the situation.

Every good gatecrasher always goes in as though he'd just come out.

Look here, have you seen Lady Rose Vance-Crippin anywhere?

- I'm afraid not, sir. - Oh.

I've lost the bloody woman.

Really?

I know an oil company that's looking for a country place,

a sort of rest home for shell-shocked executives and bottle-weary directors.

Of course, you know what Oscar said about hunting?

No. What?

It was a case of the unspeakable in hot pursuit of the uneatable.

Oscar who?

I got it from Angela, actually.

Where did Angela get it from, in heaven's name?

Oh, I don't know. Some people she was staying with, apparently.

Hospitality for you.

Excuse me, old chap.

I say.

Weren't we at school together? I seem to recognise the face.

- Oh, what school were you at? - Repton, actually.

- I never went. - Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Where the hell is she? She must be here.

Is Ann Horton coming with Hugh Langham do you know?

Unless she dragged him off to the Bellingham hunt ball.

What do you do for sex then?

I don't do anything for it.

It's never done anything for me.

He sat on the beach all day in his trousers

and we couldn't do anything to get him to take them off.

I've been in the army 14 years and I haven't shot anybody yet.

All the Spaniards are like that. Must be all that blood and sand.

- Brings out the beast in them. - You should stay in Sicily. It's sheer rape.

- Really? Where did you stay? - I stayed in a...

Got her.

Good evening.

Oh, good evening.

I'm so sorry.

- Seen Hugh Langham and the Horton girl at all? - No, are they here?

I think they've deserted the stinking ship and gone to the Bellingham bloody people!

I know you're going to help me out.

Well, I'm looking for someone, actually.

Tombola?

I'm not hungry, I'm afraid.

I don't know whether I should...

Ah, James.

Have you got any money? I've had rather a bad day at the, erm...

You idiot!

What's the matter?

You sent me to the wrong ball, you nit.

I wanted the Bellingham.

If you're going to be offensive about it, I shall have to think about changing my hotel.

Before you do, you'd better pay your bill here first, hadn't you?

It's not my fault if I'm having a bad run just now.

What's that?

Something I won on the tombola.

I'm glad you won something anyway.

Look, James, I...

I... I'm sorry about, you know...

the ball.

Thinking of taking a new place, near Brisbane.

No, thanks, Mum.

He's doing very well, our Jack.

Yeah, seems to be.

And the children.

Lovely looking kids.

Very nice.

I suppose they talk with an Australian accent.

As they're Australians.

Probably would.

Fancy having grandchildren talk with an Australian accent.

- Hmm. - Seems funny.

He's doing ever so well though, and he's kind.

You ought to go out and see them.

Avoid the winter and that.

Do you good, Dad, keep out of the cold.

You get us out there, Jimmy, and then nobody be happier than me and your mother.

Oh, don't tease him now, Norman.

- You weren't, were you, Dad? - Eh?

Teasing.

No.

Jimmy's doing very nicely. Aren't you, Jimmy, at the office?

- One day. - Yes, that's what I always say, one day.

Yeah, so long as one day they don't drop a case of processed peas on you,

when you're not looking.

And you'd have got somewhere by now if hadn't been for your accident, Norman.

Jimmy knows that.

Mm, I might.

Jimmy knows that. He knows.

Jimmy understands.

Oh, blast!

Learn to kill with a smile, James.

Essential part of a decent education.

Dead ducks wag no tails.

Charles, you seem less than your usual effervescent self this merry morn.

Something wrong? Headache, constipation?

Only that the bookie's play silly b's. The man insists I square my account

before he gives me further credit.

But of course, unless he gives me further credit I can't possibly square my account.

No. It's a cert, is it?

Oh, now, look here, I've seen the cocaine with my own eyes.

Well, look here, why don't I open an account?

You'd get credit all right if it was in my name.

Then I can bet in your name.

Brilliant idea, James.

Then all we have to do is to wait till we hit a winning streak and then...

Quite.

Go right to the top of the class, James.

Yes, I shall.

We shall see you on the board of Horton & Company yet, James.

Oh, yes, we shall.

You really think you're going to make it, don't you?

Yes, I do.

One or two obstacles to dispose of on the way.

Anyone I know?

- A certain Lord Langham, for instance. - Oh, not Hugh Langham?

I nearly had his brother as my study fag, only he wasn't pretty enough.

- Don't be rough with him though, will you? - I promise you, Charles,

he won't know what hit him.

You know, James, I think if I live to see the day they put you on the board,

I shall quietly pack my trunk and emigrate.

No, I don't understand.

I am "ba-fooled".

Baffled.

You said it would only take a few minutes and now you...

Look, Ann, I am trying to explain.

I thought that there wasn't any doubt that they would complete by early this afternoon

and now, at the last moment,

well, it seems that we have to have some sort of a conference

with the landlord's solicitors.

It is about now in our story that Hugh Langham, the pick of the toffs,

doesn't quite know what hit him.

Brewster.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Oh, good heavens, no. No, I'm usually here till after seven.

Yes.

Of course, sir.

Right away, sir.

He says it's something to do with the repairs clause. Do you know anything about it?

- Repairs clause? - Tenants' liability.

- It should have been settled at the outset. - Ah, yes!

I remember mentioning it to Lord Langham when he first spoke to me about the property.

In fact, I wrote him a memo about it.

Ambiguity in the draft lease. Here we are.

Really, Hugh, you know, Brewster set this all out.

Well, look, I thought it was all settled, do you see?

And this very morning, the wretched landlord pops up and...

The wretched landlord, as you term him, happens to be our client

and one we intend to keep.

What's to do?

Look here, erm...

Why don't I hop into a cab and get over to the scene of the accident.

It's, er... It's simpler for everyone.

Oh, would you?

Of course.

Look here, Brewster's got the best solution.

Look, sir, I am perfectly competent.

You just wait where you are,

and he'll be with you in a few minutes.

I hope I can get a cab. It's, er, getting on for rush hour.

Have you always lived in London?

I mean, as a child and everything.

- No, my people came from Surrey, actually. - Surrey?

Where they live?

Oh, they don't. They're dead, I'm afraid.

Buzz bomb, '44.

You know, you really ought to have driven.

Hugh always insists. He's terribly virile that way.

Walks on the outside of the pavement and all that.

Is he a good driver, Hugh?

Well, you know, he changes gear a lot.

What do you drive?

Oh, I don't. I haven't got a wagon at the moment.

- I smashed it up. - Oh?

How did you manage that?

Oh, you know, I tried to overtake a brick wall and couldn't quite make it.

Oh!

- Whey! - Sorry!

Better watch out.

One lunatic in the family's quite sufficient.

Well, let's do that thing.

Be swoony, let's.

How about Thursday?

Are you free?

As air.

In that event, so be it, as they say.

So be it.

Here we are, I'm afraid.

Basta cosi.

- But I thought that the... - No, no, no, no, no.

Repairs clause was made perfectly clear in the orig...

Well, I think everything should be under control now.

We shall be abysmally late for Randolf and Helen.

Well, I, er...

Oh, Sir Peter.

Lady Melcombe.

I'm so sorry about all this. Erm, I think we have a solution.

You've done something factitious to your hair.

I've had it cut.

You see, I think if we put this like this,

er, it's quite clear...

Look, I honestly don't see why we...

- This here. - Yes.

- And, erm... - Yes, but that seems...

- Yes. - Yes?

Yes, indeed.

And that here...

in here.

Of course.

Or...

Whole thing, here.

Oh, that's even better.

Yes, well, that's, erm...

Yes.

I think so.

Yes. Well, now, that was very good of you to phone us this morning, I must say.

Of course, I should have spotted it myself but I'd given the contract to one of our clerks.

Shouldn't be too bad now.

I'd rather you didn't mention the phone call.

Erm, I don't want to seem to be interfering in a colleague's affairs.

Quite understand. Quite understand.

Well, that's all right now, I think.

I'll have this typed up in the morning and sent round at once.

I don't think you need to spend a sleepless night on it. It's all sorted out.

- Oh, thank you. - Oh, that's what we're here for.

- Thank you so much. - It was a pleasure.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, sir.

Oh, and thank you.

- Look, I really don't see why... - Oh, forget it.

Well, I think we'd better be going.

Yes, we had, had we not, Hugh?

- Cheerio. - Goodbye.

James.

Thursday.

Thursday it is.

- We must have a drink one evening. - Yes.

- I'll give you a ring. What about tomorrow? - Fine.

I'll tell you what I'd like to have a word about. Look, I've got a proposition

that I wanted to discuss with you.

Good shot, James!

Smoking too much.

Look, we haven't... talked about Newmarket tomorrow.

Play up, Charles, play up. Play the bloody game.

Been such a hurry.

I thought Daisy Dumpling for the 3:30 and Expresso Pronto for the five o'clock.

Don't mind Expresso Pronto. Oh, sorry, weren't you ready?

No.

Not Daisy Dumpling, but I've heard Doppelganger.

Doppelganger?

Well, I had lunch with the owner yesterday, actually.

Oh, I... I didn't know you knew the, erm...

Quite.

Oh, well, in that case perhaps we'd better...

Oh, I think so, don't you?

Run up, Charles, you're getting idle.

You'll kill me if you keep on at this rate.

Got yours in here, Mr Brewster.

Thank you.

I had a letter myself this morning from the Church commissioners.

Landlords.

Oh, don't be pious, Mrs March, it ages you.

Pious? Me?

They don't like shared rooms, not with a single let.

Policy.

Principle.

Well now, you don't have to say anything, do you, about, er...

Oh, I won't if I can avoid it, not about, er...

That's the spirit.

And I'll be down this evening with that money, by the way.

Oh, you don't want to worry about the money.

No, it's... It's just...

James!

Guess who's got asthma again?

I've got to go.

His master's voice?

Oh, thanks.

Playing squash?

Don't need him to play squash with.

As soon as he goes, I'll let you know, Mrs March,

and then you can have a game with me.

Hello, old chap. Good evening. How are you?

Oh, good evening. How are you?

Surviving.

We were in the brigade together, you know, that's where.

Oh, is that where?

Oh, you remember now, eh?

No, not my kind of monastery, I'm afraid.

- Well, be seeing you. - Yes, indeed.

- Didn't know you knew young Gordon. - Erm, yes, vaguely.

Got a case in front of his father at the moment.

Have you indeed? What sort of thing?

Industrial accident. One cretin dropping a ten ton weight on another.

Usual drab affair.

Find the bar, shall we?

Do you mind if I, er...?

No, my dear chap.

Do you do the horses then?

No, no, I'm, a cautious man at heart, I fear. I restrict myself to doing the clients.

James, my dear chap. The very man.

Adrian! Oh, you know Roberts?

Erm, Adrian Slater.

Yes, yes.

- How do you do? - Hello.

Erm...

- Whisky and soda? - Would you mind?

Excuse me a moment.

- What the hell are you doing here? - Oh, slumming, what else?

No, actually...

- Are you fixed for the evening? - I trust not.

- Well, let's dine, let's dine. - Good.

Just give me half an hour with the old man, will you?

- And see you then. - Yes.

- Do you like fish? - I do rather.

Well, I'll fix a table where the shrimps are biting.

Good. Good.

Tote double.

830 quid for ten bob.

Have you made a killing?

Sort of.

£830 for ten bob and we have no less than four tickets.

That's 3,320 quid I've won.

Charlie's won!

Why the hell should he get all the money?

All quiet on the nympho front.

James, my dear fellow, I've been waiting for you.

Heard the glad tidings? My double came in.

- Yes, I know. - I'm just going to have a scrape to celebrate.

It isn't often I'm a rich man.

Thought we might go out and have a farewell nosh.

Oh, blast the thing!

Farewell?

Yes, after all, you've graduated now. You don't need me anymore.

So if you could pop into the bookies tomorrow and bring home the bacon.

Of course I will.

Thought I'd go somewhere warm.

What a good idea.

Sooner or later, Charles Prince Esquire

is going to have to go.

- Oh, incidentally, James... - What now?

You borrowed my watch, didn't you?

- Did I? - Mmm.

- And that suit you're wearing... - What about my suit?

Oh, well, it's, er... It's my suit, in fact,

and I'd rather like to get it packed.

Oh, I see.

Tie's mine too, isn't it?

And the shirt, of course.

And the links.

Rip 'em off, old chap, will you, and I can file them away.

Charles Prince Esquire is going to have to go.

Ah, well, James,

all good things must come to an end.

Anyway, from now on,

no one will able to accuse you of being strangled by the old school tie.

Sooner or later.

Sooner.

Aargh!

The trouble with living in digs

is there's never anywhere to put things.

Phew!

Bloody man!

Well, there you are.

You can't expect to be popular if you're overweight.

It slipped.

Slipped, did it?

Yes.

I was carrying it downstairs and it slipped.

Why didn't Mr Prince bring it down himself?

He couldn't.

Asked me this afternoon if he could leave it in the cellar while he was away.

Never realised he'd make you do the dirty work.

Well, he did. He, er...

He changed his mind. He left suddenly.

He... He left tonight.

- And I couldn't sleep, so... - Couldn't sleep?

You?

Why not?

Something on your conscience, have you?

I'll give you a hand.

Better go and get the key.

Key?

To the cellar.

Always keep it locked.

Safer don't you think?

Much.

I daresay you'll be glad to be back to normal?

I gather Mr Prince is likely to be gone some time.

I must say, one hopes so.

Isn't it heavy?

There we are. All neat and tidy.

Want a drop of brandy?

Erm...

No, thanks.

No?

The man who hopes to be successful must always be ready to work unusual hours.

Oh, Jimmy.

Jimbo.

- Morning, sir. - Morning.

- Lovely day. - Yes.

- Fives, sir? - Oh, yes, fives.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Morning, Mr Brewster. - Morning.

Take care of her for me, will you, Johnson? Desperately pushed.

Right, sir!

- Mr Slater for you, Mr Brewster. - Oh, thank you.

Adrian.

James, what a splendid evening that was, wasn't it?

You wanted me to call you?

The thing is, can you do lunch on Tuesday at one?

Putting on a little picnic in our boardroom.

How delightful.

Tuesday at one, then?

Bye.

One more mouse eager for the cheese,

which only leaves Ann Horton to be hooked on Thursday,

assuming no snags.

And after all, what kind of snags could there possibly be?

It is therefore my duty to arrest you on a charge of wilful murder.

I must warn you that anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you.

Excuse me. Good evening.

Hello.

Ah! Er...

- Ah! There we are. - Very reminiscent of Pirandello.

I say, look here!

Oh, the man paid for them before the curtain went up, sir.

Now, who's next, please? Yes.

Happy New Year.

Brave new world.

There's still an audience for this kind of thing.

Well, at least I hope somebody's having an affair with the backer,

otherwise I think it would give one the creeps.

- What about those French windows? - It's not the shape of the windows I object to,

so much as the bizarre view of life seen through them.

Positively the worst play I've seen since last Tuesday.

Perhaps we'd better leave before there's a scramble for the boats.

Actually, I'm beginning to have quite an appetite.

Hello, Ann.

Are you people planning to eat later?

Are we people planning to eat later?

No, actually, we people are planning to eat earlier.

- Oh. Might see you. - Yes.

I know. Do you like fish?

Mm, do rather.

We'll fix a table where the shrimps are biting.

Well, as long as it isn't somewhere indigestibly chic.

I'm tired of wrestling with menus that are bigger than I am.

Tu sois venue.

You're tuned to Radio Luxembourg, your station of the stars.

It's beat time and time to meet The Eagles with "Monkey On A Stick".

Basta cosi.

What's over that way?

That's Tower Bridge and behind that's the Tower of London.

- Yes. - And the City.

The Stock Exchange, the Bank.

Upriver to Westminster, the Houses of Parliament.

Downriver to Woolwich.

My dear, I had no idea London belonged to you.

My father used to be in business down here.

Oh, what did he do?

Oh, he put things into ships and took them out again.

What import/export?

Yes, that's right. Import/export.

Do you see?

And now The Eagles change the mood to suit those in a smoochy frame of mind.

The scene's set for romance with "No Mist On The River".

What are you doing up there? That's no place for a woman, Emily.

I have an uncle who's a sherpa. Shall we dance?

No, I think we should sit this one out.

I've got a marvellous idea.

Instead of a coming out, let's give a jumping in ball.

Lady Rotherhithe seen enjoying the slime with her daughter Felicity Jane.

Whisky and splash for the Earl of Plonk

and pretty in mud was the Honourable Geraldine Clock.

I would remind your highness this is private property.

You alarm me. Now, open the door and show me round.

You are a technocrat, aren't you?

Your word is my command.

Superman.

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Devilish dark. Smells of cheese.

Can we do it, do you suppose?

Do what?

Oh, you know.

- You mean, er... - Work the crane.

Work the crane?

I doubt it.

Ann, all cranes to one side...

Ahem.

Uh-uh.

The only girl in London who says no.

She must have a warped mentality.

Face it though, she really is rather unique.

- Happy? - Ecstatic.

Goody.

- Now, look, erm... - Yes?

Well, I was thinking the night is young and I...

And what?

Well, I was wondering why don't we go over to Paris.

Get the late night bus.

Oh, it's terribly thrilling but I think bed is much more thrilling at this moment.

You don't think it might be possible to combine the two?

I think I shall quietly take myself home.

You can quietly take yourself home.

You haven't booked a suite at a Hilton anywhere, have you?

A Hilton? No, not really.

I always think it's wise to leave something for another time, don't you?

Hello, dear.

Oh, hello, Mummy.

Hello, had a good time? What was the play about?

Murder most foul?

Murder most boring. The butler did it.

The evening wasn't a success then?

No, not then, but it... it picked up.

Indeed? Er, was this Hugh that you were with?

No, this was James Brewster that I was with.

Brewster? Were you though? Clever chap.

Always said he'd do well.

Like him?

Yes, indeed.

Think he'll do very well.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight, darling.

What are you doing in here, Mrs March?

Saw it could do with a straighten, that's all.

At this hour?

What's the matter?

What's up?

Isn't he with you then?

Isn't who with me?

Mr Prince.

He is back, isn't he?

How do you mean "back"?

Well, what's this then?

Found it in the wastepaper basket.

Oh, that!

That's part of a letter he wrote me telling me that he wasn't.

You know, that...

Ooh.

That he wouldn't be back.

- Funny sort of a letter. - Yes, well, he's a joker.

You don't want to worry about Charles Prince.

Zena.

Do you?

It's one darn thing on top of another.

I, er, thought you might like to have a quick look at the properties,

- just in case that you don't think... - Now, come on, Fred.

I'm sure they're all red hot. Everybody's here.

- Well, there are 15 sites altogether. - Fine. Look, I think we should go in.

Well, there's W1, W2, W14.

SW1, SW3, SW7, SW1 5.

N6, N9, NW1.

Those boys will buy it whatever it is by the time I've finished with them.

Well, it's your funeral.

Adrian!

I can't imagine anyone selling you under the bridge.

Oh, nice bit of scrap Hungerford Bridge, as a matter of fact.

James, my dear chap, what a nice spot for a picnic.

I hoped you'd like it.

- You know, er... - Of course.

Oh, how are you, young fellow?

Adrian, how are you? How's your father?

- Sir. - Well, he's all right.

- And you? - Well. Well.

Coates. How are you?

Oh, working too hard, sleeping too little.

Edward!

Haven't seen you since Goodwood last year.

How are you, Nigel? How's Jacqueline?

Jacqueline? Oh, she's all right.

A man of great influence. Friend of the minister's wife.

Cigarettes?

Yes, sir.

You wretched property developers ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

Oh, we're the front men. Best friends you City people ever had.

The press attacks us, the insurance companies take the profits.

While we draw their fire, you draw the cash.

If there's an easier way of making money I have yet to hear of it.

Well, short of arranging to be libelled with something one knows to be true

but daren't admit to be true,

one tends to agree.

Nigel.

Well, goodbye, gentlemen.

That was a splendid dinner.

- Goodbye. Thank you. - Goodbye.

- Bye. - Goodbye.

Well, if they won't, they won't.

But they will, they will.

Sounds better since you had it fixed, Roberts, I must say.

Nice of you to say so.

- Well, are they on? - Oh, yes, no question.

Shrewd work on young Brewster's part.

Horses for courses, Roberts, horses for courses.

Well, James.

Well, I must, er...

move.

I really must.

Oh, goodness me. Overshot my meter.

I'll be on my way.

The old guard still in the saddle.

They'd sooner ride two to a horse than give up hunting.

But if you give them a bit of a shove,

they'll soon make room.

- Exactly as we... - Good.

Good.

How did you know my size?

Tally-ho!

An oil company is turning it into a rest home

for shell-shocked executives and bottle-weary directors.

You don't honestly mean to say you've found someone to buy it?

Yes.

- My dear, you're a genius. - Didn't you know?

Cooey!

Ann?

Ann, where are you?

James!

What a shame to spend a beautiful day like this in bed.

Do you know where I should like to live after we're married?

No.

- Deep in the country. - Mmm!

In a centrally heated four-poster bed.

Yes.

- Yes, but don't you think... - Darling.

- What? - Don't speak with your mouth full.

Oh.

- You're ambitious. - Uh-huh.

- Charming. - Oh.

Good-looking and completely immoral.

In other words, you represent everything I could possibly want.

And you represent everything I could possibly want.

My dear, it's a match.

Talking of which, did you bring the fags when you went down?

Oh.

I did.

There we are.

James.

Ann.

- I want to ask you a question seriously. - Yes.

Oh, you are a bastard.

That's not a question.

Now, seriously, James, do you think people who are going to get married...

ought to have secrets from each other?

I think it's essential.

James, I'm serious.

So am I.

Deadly serious.

Must have a June wedding, presumably.

For giggles.

Giggles?

Well, you don't really want a big wedding, surely?

With your name in Jennifer's social column?

I was thinking of your parents, really.

- Oh, my parents, were you? - Mmm.

Well, I fancy my parents would just as soon something quiet.

Oh, rubbish.

Oh, you don't know Daddy.

Oh, don't I?

Not entirely, no.

I have a feeling he'd just as soon Broxbourne Village Church.

Well, anyone can be married in a Gothic revival Nissen hut.

Your ma and pa wading up the aisle in Wellington boots?

Well, I don't care where we get married, frankly.

No?

I do.

Bloody hell.

Puss! Puss! Puss!

Come on, come on.

Told you it was there, didn't I?

It's probably because I haven't any family that I want her family to see Ann

on what I hope will be the most important day of her life.

I suppose that sounds appallingly sentimental.

No, of course not, James.

Perhaps that's why I so want everyone to be there.

Come one, come all.

Yes, it does mean the full works.

Full regalia, everyone's got to be there.

Decorations will be worn, all that sort of thing.

Well, of course, I realise that.

Might be rather nice, don't you think, just this once?

After all, it's so long since we were all together.

We won't find another opportunity like this.

Yes, I'm putting him in charge of a new doo-dah I'm starting up as it happens.

Investment packaging or some such.

Really?

Yes, had him in mind ever since he joined us.

I must find them a wedding present of sorts

and it occurred to me your people might know of a decent little townhouse.

Ho-ho! One heart.

Venture a spade?

- No bid. - What sort of stake had you in mind?

One, two... 15,000, 20 if it's worth it.

Four bedrooms.

- Four bedrooms? - Four what?!

Bedrooms.

Three spades.

Well, what an earth will they do with four bedrooms?

Have you decided yet whether you're in three spades or four bedrooms, Basil?

Three spades, I said.

Four clubs.

I propose a fourth spade.

- No bid. - Nor me.

- Are you in pain? - Yes.

Well, take something.

Westminster Abbey and all that sort of thing, I suppose?

Yes.

That's right.

Not for me, Mum, thank you.

Erm, Dad?

Ta.

- Guess what's happening in June. - What?

You're both going somewhere you never thought you'd be going.

We are? Where?

Australia.

Australia? But...

To see Jack and Sis and the kids.

I've always wanted to send you out there and, well, I've just about got enough together.

It's not as expensive as you think. I've got you both assisted passages.

- Immigrants. - Oh, but, Jimmy...

Just sign it there, Dad, see?

"Promise to stay a minimum period of three years."

Yes.

Well, I thought there's no point in going for the weekend, is there?

Some people are never satisfied.

What are you waiting for, Dad, first class, Empress of India?

I don't know what we're ever done to deserve him.

Very good! Very good indeed!

Well done, everybody!

Now, bride and groom in bride's car.

Bride's parents in bride's parents' car.

And groom's parents in...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr Brewster.

- Will all the... - Er, James.

See you back at the house alone after rehearsal, if that's all right with you.

Ah, not, erm...

There's something I want to say to you alone.

- Yes, of course. - Er, just once more from the top

and then we can leave it for the big occasion.

- Er, just once more from the top. - Come on, James.

Places, shall we?

Er, from the top.

- Well, Vicar, are you happy about it? - Yes.

Oh, good. But if only we can do something...

Thank you.

Well, James, my wife and I,

and Ann too, I think,

had thought in terms of a small wedding.

You, James, however, quite properly persuaded us

that Ann warranted all the trappings.

And that, in its turn, meant invitations to the whole family.

Yes, sir.

Well, we agreed.

- Good afternoon, miss. - Oh, come in, Johnson.

Quite. The fact is, however, the family is a little larger than most people are aware.

Larger?

Yes.

You see, I have a son as well as a daughter.

A son?

Comes as a bit of a surprise, I shouldn't wonder.

Yes.

Yes, I have a son all right.

He's not unlike you, as a matter of fact.

Same build.

And you've a lot of his charm as well.

Oh, really, sir?

Oh, yes!

He always had great charm, Charles.

When he was a little boy we used to call him Bonnie Prince Charlie.

Do you remember, Ann?

Yes.

Mm. Unhappily, my son happens to be a thoroughgoing scoundrel.

A few years ago, there was nearly an ugly scandal.

The upshot was, I pensioned him off and I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since.

However, I got in touch with my solicitor.

He told me where he's been sending my son's allowance

and straightaway I sent my chaps round for his effects.

And we're going to put his things back in his room, just as it used to be.

So, you see, James, he'll be in this house for the wedding.

Yes.

So he will.

Well, I must say, I thought the rehearsal went terribly well, didn't you?

Very much nicer with the bishop.

He was so kind, wasn't he, when Charles and Ann were confirmed?

Of course, Charles was first, he was older.

Excuse me.

Go on! Buzz off!

Push off! Go on, get out!

Johnson!

James, watch out!

We slipped.

James, I am so sorry. Those wretched dogs.

In the circumstances, I think you were very lucky.

Yes, in the circumstances, I think I am.

She's guessed something.

She doesn't mind.

Well, well!

I think I'm going to get away with it.

You got the message then?

- I got the message. - Good.

I didn't like the idea of losing touch, Jimbo, that's all.

About Mr Prince.

I've made up a nice story about him.

Said he's emigrated to Australia, so you don't have to worry about that.

Nice of you.

And I've tidied everything up, so you don't have to worry about that.

I like things to be tidy.

He was always such a mess when he was with us.

Never mind, he's tidy now, so you don't have to worry about that.

Very nice of you, Zena.

Jimbo.

Yes?

I don't want us to lose touch.

I do want to see you again.

I mean, just for an evening.

I don't mean to be unreasonable, so you don't have to worry about that.

It's just that I don't want to lose touch, so...

So you don't have to worry about that.

Yes.

Not unreasonable, is it, Jimbo?

No.

Ah!

- Every success to you both, James and Ann. - Adrian.

Well, don't hurry back. We'll try and struggle along without you.

Who hurries back from the Bahamas?

Nice looking couple, Edward. I'm sure they're going to be very happy.

Enjoy yourselves there!

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- Sorry about Charlie, Mummy. - Oh, it doesn't matter. He'll turn up.

Have a lovely time, darling. Don't forget what I told you.

Bye, Daddy!

- Goodbye, Ma. - Bye-bye.

Pa!

Goodbye! Good luck!

Goodbye! Good luck!

Bye! Bye-bye!

- Bye-bye! - Good luck!

Goodbye, darling!

Goodbye!

Good morning, Mr Brewster. Have a good holiday, sir?

Yes, indeed I did. Thank you, Johnson.

Who's James Brewster?

- He's one of the partners here. - Oh, nice looking.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Good morning. Welcome back, sir. - Good morning. How are you?

Good morning.

- Morning, James. - Morning.

- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.

- Good honeymoon, Mr Brewster? - Yes, indeed.

- Good morning, Mr Brewster. - Good morning.

You've got the Silver Swiss banquet on Thursday.

- Mr Horton wanted you to go with him. - Good. Good.

Oh, and Lord Clemence asked if he could see you sometime Friday.

Oh, that little crumb. Must I?

Well, I fixed it provisionally for half past 11.

- Mm. - You've got Mr Brennan-Hope at noon.

Which leaves Mr Coates. He's expecting you on the site at half past 11.

Yes, I know, I know. Better get the car straightaway.

Yes, Mr Brewster.

Oh, I shouldn't be too long if I were you.

You've got Sir Charles at a quarter past 12 and the board lunch at one.

Ah, better move in that case.

Erm, look, you'd better come with me.

Bring your pad and we'll polish off the odds and ends in the car.

- Yes, Mr Brewster. - Off we go then.

Must call at my wine merchant on the way. Bloody people!

No, no. No, it needn't detain us, I don't think.

I thought not. And this came for you. I didn't open it because...

"Jimbo, something's gone wrong."

Better clear out right now.

I'm care of Post Office Box 34, Durban, South Africa.

"Love Zena."

Anything I...

All the news!

What the hell are we coming to Mrs March's for?

Blimey! It's one of Coates' sites.

SW15.

This is ghastly!

- Hello, young Brewster. So you made it? - Yes.

- Nice of you to come so prompt. - Not at all.

This is the eighth site out of 15 that we've moved

- while you've been enjoying yourself, you know. - Yes, I can see.

- Takes your breath away, doesn't it? - Yes.

Never mind, you're back now. I hear you're a partner too.

- Yes. - You've certainly made it.

I must hand it to you.

This is ghastly!

This really looks like a very nasty business.

It's shocking.

I wish you'd seen this place before we'd started on it.

Yes, so do I.

Middle-aged landlady strangles gentleman friend,

flees to South Africa.

Our sinful suburbs.

What is the world coming to?

Mr Coates, sir!

Mr Coates!

Stop at nothing but the best.

And you'll find one day.

You'll have nothing but the best.

You'll get your way.

It's tough at the top.

Huff and puff at the top.

So stop.

Stop at nothing but the best.

Nothing but the best