Original subtitles

After all these years, we finally did it.

The perfect sleepover.

Keep your head still.

R-rated movie, check.

Video games, check.

That loose pill we found on the floor of the bus station

that we think might be Percocet, check.

How are we liking this?

Ugh. I have so many moles on my scalp.

- [yawns] - Sounds like bedtime.

I'll go brush my teeth.

Whoa. Whoa. We didn't have a sleepover

just to spend time apart.

Let's brush together.

[? rock music playing, Bush "Glycerine"]

Oh, no. You hear that? It's "Glycerine."

That means Klaus has a lady friend in his alcove.

- So? - So, we have to walk through his alcove

to get to the bathroom.

Maybe we should just skip brushing.

Snot, we ate three pounds of Sour Patch Kids.

Go to bed with that crap stuck to your teeth,

- you'll wake up with a ticket. - Ticket?

To Cavity Town.

Wow, that was a long walk.

Not as long as this one. Come on.

Stay close and keep your eyes shut.

[Klaus groaning]

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Mom? - Schmuely.

I never thought in a million years you'd see this.

Why would you think that?

You drove me here. You dropped me off.

You know this guy or something?

Honey, let me explain.

Where did your shirt go?

I was waiting for the right moment to tell you

Klaus and I are dating.

Dating with benefits.

The benefits are sex with your mom.

[? theme song playing]

? Good morning, USA ?

? I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's shining a salute to the American race ?

? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?

? Good morning, USA ?

[chorus] ? Good morning, USA ?

It's Saturday morning.

What do the Smiths have cooking this weekend?

Steve-o, any big plans?

Uh, Snot and I might watch the Kids Choice Awards.

Boring. I can tell you what happens.

Jack Black gets slimed. Francine, you're up.

No way.

I'm not saying nothing till we hear your plans.

- My plans? - Yes, Stan.

Your big weekend plans. What are they?

I, uh... I have an important CIA mission.

Oh, yeah? What's the mission?

You want to know my mission?

[Stan] You're cooked. You have nothing going on this weekend,

and she knows it.

Time to face the music.

Excuse me. Jeff and I have plans.

Oh, thank God.

I'm fulfilling a lifelong dream

and opening a Japanese-style cat cafe.

- A what? - It's a cafe but with cats.

You secured a loan, permits, found real estate,

and built out a full cafe? That must have taken months.

- Years. - [Klaus] Boy, I'm starving.

I probably burned 10,000 calories last night.

That woman is insatiable.

Could you please shut up?

Hey, who's this guy coming into my house

and telling me to shut up?

It's Snot. You've met him, like, 600 times.

My bad, Snot.

I think I must have a concussion

from banging my head against your mom's thighs.

Welcome to Whiskers & Cream.

What's with the cats?

I'll let our Head of Consumer Education handle this one.

- It's a cafe but with cats. - I see.

I'll take an espresso.

[cat purrs]

Actually, just cancel my order.

Jeff, did I overestimate the demand

for a Japanese-style cat cafe?

Business will pick up, babe. Look, someone's coming now.

[? upbeat pop music playing, Bee Gees "Stayin' Alive"]

[music stops abruptly]

What do you want, Roger?

Not Roger. Marmalade.

[coughing]

Here's my application.

Sorry, we're fully staffed.

You call this a staff?

Snowflake, Zucchini.

Cleo isn't even spayed.

Slut. I'm a slut, too, but for customers.

I'm a customer slut. Watch this.

You want me to order something?

Meow.

Hey, waiter. A large chai tea.

Meow.

And the scone.

Found this. Thought you'd like it.

You took a big risk opening a cat cafe.

As a cat, I swear I'll work harder than anyone.

Please, give me a chance to prove it to you.

[sighs]

- We open at 8:00. - I'll be here at 7:30.

I've had a hiccup. My car ran out of juice.

It's a first-generation EV, and the range is only eight miles.

I need the day to get this all sorted out.

But while I have you,

how do I add 16 dependents to the health plan?

My wife just had another litter.

[Esther] Oh, my God, that was incredible.

Look at me, sitting between two boobs like a king.

If only my boys could see me now.

Aw, you have boys? How did I not know that?

No idea. I talk about them constantly.

How old are they?

Jeez, I don't know.

My Myrtle Beach crew looks 40, but that's just sun damage.

I thought you meant children.

Me, have kids? [laughing] That's hilarious.

Hard pass.

Well, me and Schmuely are a package deal.

Satisfying my every sexual need isn't enough.

I need someone who can connect with my kid.

- And you don't think I can? - I have my doubts.

What... I...

I mean, I love Shroomer.

- Schmuely! - The name's irrelevant!

You want a father figure for Snot?

Well, guess what. You're looking at him, baby.

Let's go, Schmuely. Your mom says we have to bond.

Wait, you're going?

Steve, I've always wanted a dad.

He might not be my first choice,

but my mom likes him. I'm willing to try.

Schmoove that butt, Schmuely.

Now, the first thing to remember,

always shave with the scales.

What I meant to say was,

always shave against the scales.

Hello, Don Draper.

I thought we were going to the botanical gardens.

I said, "Plants." Sit next to Big Ed.

He'll teach you the difference between indica and sativa.

No, I won't.

He's joking. Sit down next to him.

I have an acupuncture appointment.

Be back in a couple hours. Behave.

[chuckles nervously]

Want to see a pregnant armadillo?

My favorite garbage truck.

The Sidewinder XTR

has a 900 cubic foot trash compartment.

It can take load after load.

Oh. You know who that reminds me of.

I'm going home.

Wait, wait. You didn't hear what I was going to say.

It reminds me of your mom.

Man, parenting is hard.

You said it, little buddy.

[gasps] You can talk?

Thanks to these toxic dump fumes,

I can do anything you want.

Anything?

Ho-ho-ho!

Yeah!

I can't connect with Snot.

- He's unconnectable. - Not with me.

That's different. You're his friend.

I need to be his dad, and he hates me.

What have you two done together?

Let's see.

We took Jurgen and his girlfriend to Planned Parenthood.

Snot actually got punched by a pro-lifer.

Uh, what else?

We picked up my dry cleaning.

You're bad at this.

Well, what do you expect? I never knew my own dad.

Okay, chill out.

I have an idea. Remember Del?

The guy who used to date Snot's mom.

Goldfish have bad memories.

They moved into Del's townhouse in Chesterbrook.

In honor of the great Snot moving in,

I took the liberty of stocking the fridge with...

Specialty sodas?

Snot was the happiest I've ever seen him.

Until Del caught Mrs. Lonstein cheating.

Oh, no. With who?

With you! On an air hockey table!

Right.

[Klaus] Wait, why are we remembering this?

Because Snot adored Del.

If you want to connect with Snot, be like him.

Do wholesome stuff together.

Model rockets, kayaking, baseball cards.

You're still thinking about the air hockey table.

No.

Thanks for taking me here. I used to come all the time.

Tell you what, pick out any card in the shop,

and I'll buy it for you.

No way.

Within reason. Keep it under 10 bucks.

Want to see my collection?

I'm going for all the great Jewish athletes.

I've already got Sandy Koufax,

so now I just need the other one.

[narrator] Hey, dadders. Who do you think Snot considers

the other great Jewish athlete?

Whisper your answer into the side of your television set,

and if you're right,

Roger will say your name on air

at the end of the episode.

[Del] Do my eyes deceive me?

- The great Snot in the flesh. - [both] Del?

It's so good to see you.

I was hoping we'd cross paths one day.

Hey, Del. Not sure you remember me, I'm--

I know who you are.

Wow, Snot, you look so grown up.

We should catch up properly.

Can I treat you two to ice cream?

I recall Snot's a Rocky Road man.

We have ice cream at home.

Is it Rocky Road?

Not sure. It's so old, it's mostly ice crystals at this point.

I think I'd rather go with Del if that's okay.

- I guess. But-- - To my chariot, Snot.

To the mighty Sebring convertible

built by Lord Chrysler himself.

What type of store is this?

I'm late for work, and need an extension cord

that can reach I-95.

[doorbell rings]

- [Esther] Klaus? - Hey, Esther.

Is Snot home? I thought we could hit the arcade.

That's so sweet.

But Snot just left for Six Flags with Del.

- Del? - Snot always liked Del,

and I see no harm in it. Don't be insecure.

Insecure of what? Del?

The guy who puts cheese in his guacamole?

He's from Wisconsin.

That doesn't make it right.

Why are you taking his side?

Okay, you're acting crazy. Call me when you calm down.

Calm down? I'll show you calm.

[screams]

Let's see how perfect Del is.

Ice cream again?

The man can handle lactose, I'll give him that.

Are you spying on girls?

You're not supposed to do that.

Leave me alone. I'm spying on Del.

Who's Del?

- You a squirrel or something? - Raccoon.

Do you have any kids?

I'm 16.

Good for you.

Kids are hard, man.

Trust me. I tried being a dad once,

a couple of days ago.

Hey, do you guys sell tequila?

[Del] Apply firm downward pressure.

Push through the cut at an even pace.

Whoa. I'm doing it.

[Klaus] You call this a garage?

What are you doing here, Klaus?

What are you doing here, Snot?

Del is teaching me how to use a circular saw.

Circular saw. Pfft.

I got your circular saw right here.

Can I get you a water?

No, but you can get me another bottle of this.

[bottle breaks]

Gotta make that catch.

Uh, I feel uncomfortable.

[shushes] Papa Klaus is here.

Lift me up, and I'll teach you how to saw.

Don't look at Del. It's my job to teach you stuff.

Not his. Mine.

You should wear safety glasses.

Maybe that's how they do it in Wisconsin,

but around here, we raise men.

Watch and learn, Snot.

[screams]

Do you know why this happened?

You didn't wear safety glasses.

It happened because Del buys cheap, splintery wood!

I found the tweezers, but I suggest you go to urgent care.

Urgent care for an eyeball splinter.

Okay, Bill Gates.

Would you at least like a mirror?

It's in my eye. I can see it.

[groans]

You're pushing it deeper.

You're not the first Lonstein to say that to me.

Aah. You get back here.

Well, I don't see the splinter anymore.

[Snot shudders]

- [kittens meowing] - How do you have to pee again?

You had, like, one lick of water.

- [cell phone rings] - [line connects]

Hayley, hi. It was a real struggle

getting the kittens out the door today.

Daddy's on a work call!

[Hayley] What is going on with you?

I might be late to work today.

I still have to drop the kittens off at school.

[Hayley] Cats don't go to school!

Mine do, they hunt for mice on the lacrosse field.

Oh, you won't believe this.

You're not coming in.

No. Well, yes. But I also forgot to pack the kittens lunch.

Can you just eat the school mice today?

- [kitten meows] - School mice are not gross.

Hayley, see what I'm dealing with?

[? upbeat pop music playing]

Breakfast is served.

Why are you in my refrigerator?

Because I'm abducting you.

Don't bother running.

This is a Dr. Slippy's homing dart.

But I didn't do anything wrong.

Exactly. You never do anything wrong.

You're the perfect father figure in every way!

And Snot will always choose you over me.

And eventually, so will his mom.

That's what you were worried about?

Me and Esther getting back together?

I moved on, Klaus.

I don't believe you.

Now, before you say, "Good night,"

I have just one question,

this sliding egg tray,

did it come with the refrigerator

or was it an aftermarket purchase?

Aftermarket.

Wrong answer.

[thuds]

Where are we going?

Lanceton Canyon.

I'm going to tie a brick to the gas pedal,

and send you right over the edge.

Then I'll probably take a guided donkey tour to the bottom.

- The perfect crime. - [pop]

[Klaus] We're gonna die!

Stay calm.

Just turn into the skid, and gently apply the brakes.

See here? There's a nail in the side wall.

If it was on the tread, I'd show you how to patch it,

but you need a whole new tire.

It's getting dark, though. I suggest we set up camp.

Camp? Like camping?

Where are your emergency supplies?

A box of Hustler magazines and a ukulele.

There should be edible condoms in there, too.

[cell phone buzzing]

It's work. Unbelievable.

Do you realize how inappropriate this is,

calling me at home during family movie night?

[Hayley] Are you coming into work tomorrow?

- [meows] - No, don't pause it.

By the way, when am I getting my paycheck?

Direct deposit is a nightmare.

You haven't earned any money!

Nothing I do will ever be good enough for you!

You're a tyrant, and karma will get you!

I just want to know if you're coming in or not.

[sighs] I need to lay all my cards on the table.

I want to be a partner. I think I've earned it.

I also want the cafe to be renamed

Big Marmalade's Caffeine Throwdown.

You never even clocked in!

I forgot where it is.

I was only there once, and I was drunk.

- You're fired. - Can you even fire a partner?

Or is that something we should let the courts decide?

These are all I could carry.

Those are perfect, buddy.

Let's arrange them over the paper like this.

After the twigs catch fire, we'll add sticks,

and eventually logs.

[Del playing "Glycerine"]

? It must be your skin ?

? I'm sinking in ?

? It must be for real ?

? 'Cause now I can feel ?

You can play "Glycerine" on that?

Sure. Want to learn?

Let me see your fin.

This is a C chord.

Whoa! I'm doing it!

[Del] That's the Andromeda galaxy.

The farthest thing visible by the naked eye.

It's so far, the light we see

took over two million years to reach us.

I see the Big Dipper.

You've said that.

I just realized something.

This is actually my first camping trip.

What? Your father never took you?

No. He choked to death when I was young.

He tried on a turtleneck that was way too tight at the Gap.

[sobbing] Or as we called it...

Das Gaphapshaftenstein.

[weeping]

It's okay to cry. Let it out.

[crying loudly]

Oh, Del. Sweet Del.

I was wrong all along.

I don't want you to be dead.

I want you to be Dad.

Well, this is your stop.

Sorry about the whole abduction thing.

Water under the bridge.

You take care of yourself now, slugger.

Hey, Dad... I mean, Del,

do you think we could catch a ball game tomorrow?

The Laser Rats are in town.

Sorry. I have plans with Snot.

Snot.

And is it true, Marmalade,

your car only gets eight miles range on a full charge

and as a result, you suffer from severe range anxiety?

- Meow. - Aww.

Now, we don't drive many electric vehicles down where I'm from,

so, pardon my ignorance,

but eight miles sure sounds low.

That must be hard on you.

Me-ow.

- [all] Aww. - This is ridiculous.

That's it, young lady. I hold you in contempt.

Bailiff, remove her from the courtroom.

I hereby award ownership of the cafe

to Marmalade the Cat.

Don't do this.

The cat cafe was my dream.

He never even showed up.

He's not even a cat!

[doorbell rings]

Morning, Esther.

Snot and I have a tee time for miniature golf.

Really? That's strange.

Klaus and Snot left a little while ago.

They're going to Lanceton Canyon.

Lanceton Can... [gasps]

Del, what's wrong?

The hairs on your goatee, they're standing straight up!

It's my paternal instinct. Snot is in trouble.

Your mom is a great woman, Snot.

But I don't need a great woman.

I need a dad.

Look at me, sending an innocent kid off a cliff.

I need a dad way more than you.

[mumbling]

Sayonara, Snot-a.

[honking]

Don't do it, Klaus.

You can't stop me, Dad.

- Dad? - Let him go.

And what? Go back to being Snot's father figure?

No way. I stink at it.

Yeah, that ship has sailed.

Okay, well, that doesn't change the fact

that I never had a father!

I choose Del as my dad,

and Snot's the only thing standing in my way.

I have an idea.

You let Snot go,

and I'll take both of you out to Denny's.

Both of us? Hmm.

So, Snot and I would essentially be brothers?

I have a better idea. Let my son go,

- or I'll gut you like a fish! - Your call, sport.

Death by angry mom or pancakes.

[? soft music playing]

Sport chooses pancakes!

I hope there are no hard feelings, Snot.

I know I was a terrible dad,

but I'll be a great brother.

What do you say?

I say, "Enjoy your trip."

My trip? Where am I going?

[screams] You got me, bro!

[? "Glycerine" playing]

- [song stops] - [narrator] Dadders, the winner

of our Great Jewish Athlete Contest is...

Kevin Hart.

Wait. Kevin Hart?

[narrator] That's right. Comedian Kevin Hart

correctly guessed Julian Edelman.

[? "Glycerine" resumes]

This cat cafe was a great idea.

When Hayley gets out of jail, we gotta bring her.

Oh, wow, looks like Esther and Del are back together.

Yeah. Isn't it great?

Snot finally has a normal family.

[Klaus sighs]

I miss banging Mom.

Bye. Have a great day.

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