Original subtitles

[? theme song playing]

? Good morning, USA ?

? I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?

? The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ?

? And he's- ?

What the hell? Where's the boy and the lady?

Steve's sick.

I'm gonna give Snugglepuss all my hugs

so you can have them with you all day long.

[moans]

Now let's get you all tucked in.

[both] Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck...

What in the name of Jesus Jones is going on here?

Caught myself a nasty little cold.

And you know that when Steve is sick

is the only time I ever baby him.

So I go hard.

Mama, can I have one more ginger ale?

Yes. My widdle baby boy can have one more gingew-wale.

I can't believe you're staying home from school for a cold.

You know what I do when I get sick?

- Power through. - Power through.

Name an illness. Botulism, Legionnaire's disease, herpes,

I've powered through them all.

- Wait. You have herpes? - Sure.

Pop some echinacea, a whole box of non-drowsy cold meds,

whatever you gotta do, but never bend the knee.

Because that makes you...

And you know I don't like this word, Steve.

A coldcuck.

Everyone gets sick and has to stay home sometimes.

Not me. Never taken a sick day in my life.

Don't have that luxury working at the CIA.

That place would fall apart without me.

And look how late you coldcucks have made me already.

Hey!

[moaning]

Jeff, one other thing Francine does every morning

that a lot of people don't realize

is she clicks the garage door open for me

after I go out the front door.

There's a clicker inside?

There must be. So you're just gonna stand there

looking surprisingly hot in that dress

or you're gonna help me look for it?

You could have let me do my key kick, Stan.

I missed a breakfast meeting for this.

I'll show you a coldcuck.

[sneezes]

[blows nose]

Why don't you power through this?

Not bad. But can you do this?

[gags]

That's, uh...

That's really great, Roger.

I'll see you later.

[Roger, muffled] Steve, come back! I'm stuck.

? Good morning, USA ?

You're certainly keeping busy.

Hey, it's crunch time, Jackson.

All hands on deck.

Hey, Stan, can you clear a paper jam in the copy machine for me?

I am the paper jam expert.

[grunting]

Ah, well, dirty little secret

about paper jams is

they never get cleared

till you get a whole new machine.

[gulps]

Something about this sandwich...

tastes amazing.

Francine, baby,

you've done it again.

[whistling]

Why are you so happy?

Didn't I hear you had the clap or something?

A cold. And not even that for long.

Because I am officially on the...

[imitating Johnny Carson] Up-shwing.

- The hell was that? - Johnny Carson?

I guess he did a golf swing or something. I've...

I've seen it referenced. Anyway...

How are you feeling this fine morning, Dad?

I seem to have caught that cold of yours, Steve.

Mm. Oh, nyo.

I'm syew syorry.

So I guess you'll have to stay home and rest now, huh?

Hah! Quite the opposite.

I might work late, run some errands after,

maybe squeeze in a workout down at Muscle Beach.

- That's right. It's time... - [groans]

...to power through.

? Power through ?

? Power through ?

Gee, Stan, shouldn't you go home and rest?

And leave you guys high and dry during crunch time?

[coughing]

- You okay, Stan? - Powering through.

? Power that big ass through ?

Stan! Stan! Stan! Stan!

No spot, no freaking spot. Get the hell away, bro.

? Crypto ?

? Currency ?

Power through.

I'm not quite feeling better yet.

A hundred and three.

Stan, please.

You really need to stay home today.

Mm. Yeah. But then again,

wouldn't that make him a coldcuck?

- Steve! - No, Francine.

The boy is right to taunt me.

I can't lose sight of the most important thing of all.

The importance of powering through.

But I'll need something stronger than vitamin C for this one.

And I think I know just who to talk to.

Who?

[both grunting]

[straining] Get in there.

Weitzman. Dr. Dubs. What up, my brotha?

Listen, I need to tear this cold a new one.

Why don't you just go home and rest?

[scoffs] Dream on.

They just need me too much upstairs. Crunch time.

But you gotta have some kind of top secret

super immune booster or something around here, right?

Well, yes, but I'm also cooking up

some extremely dangerous experimental pathogens here.

You should really put on one of these.

Oh, strap on a chin diaper?

No, thanks. Go woke, go broke.

How about you just make with that immune booster already?

[grunts]

Oh, God.

[grunts]

Maybe you better take two.

[groans softly]

You're feeling better today, hon?

[wheezes]

[screams]

[? pop music playing on stereo]

? You take a bat and a pangolin ?

? And mix 'em both together ?

? Let the bat bite the pangolin ?

? He doesn't feel better ?

? Take the bat and the pangolin ?

? And shake 'em both up ?

? And when you jab that same pangolin ?

? You've made a deadly super bug ?

? I said, "Doctor..." ?

Weitzman.

? I said, "Doctor..." ?

Weitzman.

[cell phone ringing]

Ooh, maybe it's a telemarketer.

[gasps] A beautiful telemarketer?

Whatever you're selling, I'll buy it!

Weitzman, what the hell did you do to my husband?

He's practically on his deathbed here,

right after seeing you in your lair.

It's a lab, not a lair.

Whatever. He said you gave him

some kind of experimental super drug.

I did. But, apparently, it wasn't strong enough to protect him

from the experimental super viruses

he exposed himself to in my lair.

Oh, great. Now you got me saying it.

Super virus?

Now, don't worry. So far, none of the diseases I've made

have been able to be transmitted from person to person.

To my great shame.

What about Stan, though?

- What's his prognosis? - [wheezes]

I'm afraid that...

I don't know that word.

But Stan can expect to experience brittle bones,

parasites, incontinence, and baby-level weakness.

So he might want to take it kind of easy.

- [phone beeps] - [wheezes]

Stan, honey, you're very, very sick.

I'll call Bullock and let him know you won't be coming in.

No.

Start the music.

[? theme song playing]

- [bones crack] - [screams raspily]

[grunts]

[raspily] ? The sun in the sky ?

? Smiling... ?

? Saloons... ?

Holy crap. I gotta get out of here.

[tires screech]

? Good morning, USA ?

[Roger] Hey, bullseye.

Gee, Stan, you sure you shouldn't be home resting?

Can't let the team down.

Gotta power through.

Uh-oh.

It took three paramedics and a senior Xerox technician

to get your father out of that copy machine.

And this is somehow my fault?

Yes.

I know you got your dad sick on purpose.

Well, he deserved it, all right?

With all his stupid, macho, powering through BS.

Listen, right now, all you need to worry about

is making sure your dad does whatever he has to to get better.

Or you're gonna need a doctor yourself. Capisce?

But I'm your widdle baby boy, wemember?

That's only when you're sick.

So either catch a cold or go to hell.

[cracking]

[doctor] Hmm.

[air hissing]

[doctor] Hmm.

Stan, I'm going to list a series of four numbers,

and after I finish, I'd like you to repeat them back to me.

Sixteen, five, thirty-seven, ten.

Hmm.

It seems your father has a brand new disease

never before encountered by medical science.

Which means he gets a gift certificate

to Menchie's!

- Congratulations. - So what's gonna happen to him?

On the one hand...

Well, have you ever heard of being dead?

- Yes. - Your father

might suffer the most horrible,

agonizing death imaginable.

But then again,

something really bad might happen.

Stan might eventually regain

some of his strength and vitality,

but totally lose his mind.

He'll lose all sense of who he is,

of even being human,

and become a deranged, feral, blood-thirsty killing machine.

Oh, my God! What can we do?

Nothing!

Except rest.

If he just stays in bed and rests for a few days,

he might get better.

[grunts]

All right, Dad.

I'm gonna save your life if it kills you.

A little extra drowsy NyQuil ought to get you the rest you need.

- [thuds] - [Stan grunts]

[weakly] Gotta get to work.

[grunts] Get back here, you little rascal.

- [grunts] - Must power through.

[Steve grunts]

Ah!

Just gonna go upstairs, get my briefcase.

[Stan groans]

Now you're gonna take your medicine, mister.

- [clattering] - [toilet flushing]

Something's up with the car.

What is it with you?

Why do you refuse to just stay home and rest?

Why?

- Crunch time. - [screams] Open up!

[inhales deeply]

[gulps]

Now, go to sleep!

[snoring]

Finally.

Brother, I have earned this.

- [loud thud] - Dad?

Oh, God, no.

Dad?

[heart thumping]

- [screams] - [growls]

[roars]

[Steve screams]

Oh, Steve, have you seen the big remote?

[Stan growls]

Stan, have you seen the big remote?

[Stan grunts]

[roars]

Doc, what do I do?

My dad turned into a monster like you said.

Oh, that's interesting.

Uh, but I'm actually a little busy right now.

[growls]

Looks like your dad's disease is spreading.

[yells]

Oh, also, there was a problem with your insurance.

[explosion]

- [alarm blaring] - [Steve] Uh-oh.

[sirens wailing]

[Roger] Don't worry, I found the remote.

[sirens wailing]

[man screams]

We've got an unforgiving super-contagion

moving on through here

to the north, east, west, and south,

transforming everyone it comes in contact with

into kill-crazy murder goblins.

So if you're heading out to enjoy those fall colors,

make sure to pack a machete,

abandon all hope for the future of humanity,

and bring an umbrella

because we might be seeing a few sprinkles out there too.

And with that, I'm gonna throw it back to Greg

and flee in terror from him.

- [growls] - [screams]

- [panting] - [cameraman] Wait, Greg. No, no, no!

[static]

Looks like that's it for the power.

I'm just glad we were able to find a way to both

stay safe from your father and maintain his dignity.

[grunting]

Mr. S is scooting again.

Someone needs to take him number two.

Ah, dang it.

Be careful, babe. He will pull out your intestines if he gets the chance.

And there's no way in or out of the house now,

so have him do his business in Klaus' alcove.

[grumbles] Yeah. Just absolutely the worst.

One thing I don't get,

how come none of us have gotten sick?

Uh... [clears throat]

Family exposed to Stan original cold

before combine with Weitzman virus

to make super bug.

Therefore, immune.

- Never thought of that. - Sounds plausible to me.

Ever since he got that little lab coat and glasses,

he just seems so smart.

Uh, guys, I think I might have messed something up here.

- [roars] - [all screaming]

[all panting]

What are we gonna do? We're trapped in here. We'll starve.

No. Look, there's still some crackers left

from when Steve was sick.

But we'll need to ration them, though. Really make 'em last.

I have a feeling we might be here a while.

- [sirens blaring] - [honking]

I still can't believe Roger ate all the crackers

right after he said that.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

And it was three days ago now.

[thumping]

- [growling] - [shushes]

[panting, snorting]

- [banging on door] - I'll get it.

- No, Jeff! - No!

It's okay. He's down at the end of the hall now, biting the head off a rat.

We, on the other hand, have no food, no water,

and we're trapped in here with a monster. We're all gonna die.

No, Roger. More like this.

[hysterically] We have no food, no water.

We're trapped in here with a monster. We're all gonna die!

[helicopter hovering]

Do not panic. I'm here to help.

[screams] Ow!

Why did I wear shorts?

Okay, first things first.

Who'll rub some aloe on my thigh burns?

What the...

I'm human.

So, it looks like your super bug was

transmissible after all.

I know. Which was a much needed boost

for my self-esteem.

But listen, since Stan was patient zero,

if my team of tactical EMTs here

can just get a sample of his blood,

we should be able to make a cure from it. [snaps fingers]

You sure they'll be able to pull this off?

Do I look nervous?

[Stan growls]

[cameras beeping]

- [growling continues] - [beeping continues]

Oh, God! What are we gonna do? I...

Oh, no. I'm going.

[crying] It's all coming out now.

I can't stop it.

It's up to us now.

Short straw goes out there to get Dad's blood.

Nah, nope. Steve, you're going.

This is your mess. You clean it up.

[sighs] Fine.

- [static] - What is that?

[Hayley] Looks like he made some kind of caveman version of his office.

Unbelievable.

He's fully transformed into a deranged

rat head-eating animal,

and he's still trying to go to work.

I think he's saying something.

[mouse clicking]

Crunch time.

Stan help!

Stan useful.

The hell is this jabroni's deal?

[Rogu] Clearly, job only remnant

of old human self Stan remember,

because so central to sense of self-worth.

- Yeah. - I never thought about that.

The coat and glasses again.

And that's why he's never been able to rest,

to take a sick day from work,

because it would mean having to admit

they really could get by without him.

And then he wouldn't feel needed,

wouldn't feel... useful.

And to him,

if he doesn't feel useful,

then he feels... worthless.

- Right, Rogu? - I guess.

That's so sad.

- But we can use it. - What do you mean?

If I pretend to be one of his coworkers,

maybe I can get close enough to draw his blood.

Right. So we just need to think of the name of

one of Dad's coworkers.

Right.

Who's the one with the face? Uh...

- Always wears the clothes... - [all] Jackson.

Right. Jackson.

What does Jackson sound like?

You know...

[in Australian accent] Jackson, I'm Jackson.

That's not Jackson.

Jackson's more like...

[gruffly] Hey, it's me, Jackson.

[high-pitched] I'm Jackson.

[overlapping chatter]

Here's Jackson.

All right, already. I got it.

[Francine] Good luck.

Looks like Dad's really developed a taste for rat heads.

Okay, I'm at the attic stairs now.

I'm going up.

[Stan snarls]

[Stan grunts]

[hisses]

Aah! Stan, it's me, Jackson.

Jackshohn?

- [sniffs] - [grunts nervously]

Yup. I need you to help me clear a paper jam.

Paper jam? Crunch time.

Hmm.

That's it now. Nice and easy.

[screams]

[Steve grunts]

- [growls] - [crunch]

- [screams] - [Stan growls]

- [Stan grunting] - [Steve screaming]

Are those Steve's pajama pants?

- [Stan growls] - [screams]

[screams]

[snarls]

[Steve] Leg broken,

wounds bleeding,

speech halting.

And I didn't get the blood sample.

That's okay, Steve.

You did your best.

Just come on back.

[groans]

Oh.

No.

I need to power through.

What's powering through?

[softly] I need absolute

radio silence.

[Roger] Hey, if you have a chance, grab some more crackers.

- [growls] - [screams]

Dad, please.

I need you to be you again.

[growls]

You don't need to be important at work.

You don't need to be useful.

All you need to be is you.

Stan.

Dad... you're enough.

Please, just be you.

Just be...

me?

Maybe I'll just lie down for a little rest.

And on a personal note, with the virus now eradicated

and life returned to normal,

I'd like to apologize to anyone I may have offended

or dismembered during the outbreak.

Water under the bridge, Greg.

All right, let's get you all tucked in.

[both] Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck.

There. Think you'll be heading back into work tomorrow?

Nah, I'm gonna take a few more days to recover.

They can manage till I get back.

- Hey, Steve. - Yeah, Dad?

Can I have one more rat head?

Sure thing.

Right after you get some sleep.

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