Original subtitles

This programme contains violent scenes and images of the deceased from the very start

that viewers may find distressing, strong language, offensive and discriminatory attitudes,

and scenes of a sexual nature throughout

DISTANT SCREAMING

WOMAN WAILS

SIRENS WAIL

What is that?!

What is that?!

FRUSTRATED SIGH

Ah-ha!

DOOR OPENS

All right, George?

CAR BEEPS

I...normally park at the Richmond Street car park.

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE REVS

REVVING CONTINUES

Oh, it's still pay and display in this one, the app doesn't work.

I'll treat you.

You gonna be here all day?

That depends, don't it?

MUTTERS: Fucking hell.

You watching tonight?

Is that a football question?

Yes.

No.

SECURITY SYSTEM BEEPS

So, you've got this place and the house?

Yeah. But I'm mortgaged to death.

You try making money out of hospitality.

The house is thanks to my parents.

I sold theirs and bought number 5.

So, they were rich?

What, do I look like Lord Struthers of Morningside?

They just had a nice terraced house in Dundee,

so I murdered them and got the money.

What, and then you got this place with Curtis?

Yep. That is my punishment.

I'm buying him out and it's taking for ever,

cos it costs a fortune. He still gets 20% of the profits,

which is kind of 20% of not very much, but still...

The bastard.

I'm seeing him tonight, as a matter of fact.

With his newly beloved.

So, this is the thing. Sometimes when you touch it,

you get a shock.

Oh, well. It's fine now. Typical.

But when it zaps you, that fuse goes.

This one. It trips. Is that the right word? Trips?

I'm gonna have to turn the power off.

I've got the office upstairs, I still need to work.

Yeah, well, I can isolate that.

When did you last get your condition report?

Um, November '25. We're up to date.

So, who did your test for you? Ashbury's.

But they charge 500 quid just for a visit.

Yeah, I don't trust 'em.

Do you know where they get their staff from?

Aruba. Do you know where that is?

The Caribbean? Exactly.

And I'm not being racist. Well, a little bit.

I mean, think about it.

Aruba.

Who owns that?

The Netherlands.

And in the Netherlands, the mains wiring is 230 volts,

and in Aruba it's 127 volts,

so it's two different systems. It's like a fire trap.

And why do they do that, eh? Have two different voltages?

Tesla.

What, like, Elon Musk?

No, Nikolai Tesla.

He was the man who invented AC/DC.

And when he died, the FBI took all his papers

and they burnt them so no-one could see them.

And then Elon Musk named his company after him.

That's no coincidence, is it?

Meaning?

Exactly. It's a mystery.

When I was young, AC/DC meant bisexual.

Look, there's nothing wrong with this,

but I need to get back here, strip everything away, all right?

Is that gonna cost? Well, it's all gonna cost, innit?

Well, you know, I'm not being rude, but you know what happens.

You get an electrician in and they go,

"Oh, everything needs rewiring,"

and a job that was gonna cost 100 quid ends up costing 10,000.

You calling me a liar?

No.

The way people talk about workmen.

Nobody else would put up with it.

Imagine if I walked in here, eh, and got a pint and said,

"Have you watered this down?"

You'd get right on your high horse, wouldn't you?

Do you water it down? No.

Well, there's your first mistake, isn't it?

Paying your ex 20%? I'd start diluting it, mate.

DOOR OPENS Oh. You're here early.

Oh, yeah, this is Clive, the electrician.

Hi, Clive. I'm Judy.

Don't charge us a million quid, yeah?

Ah, he's the one I told you about! Mm-hm. Clive, from next door.

I met his son online, and I mean online.

He's 16, but said 18, vers bottom.

So, what did you do?

Oh, I fucked him. Oh, Leo!

Get off! It was mortifying. Said he was zero metres away.

Zero! He must've seen me, though.

You cheeky little bitch.

But I will be the one to block him, thank you very much.

It's my street and I was gay before he was even a single spunk.

Oh, my God, now I'm thinking about his father ejaculating.

This is such a terrible day,

and to top it all I'm seeing Curtis tonight.

Talking of tops.

What for?

HE SIGHS We're being civilised.

FOOTSTEPS

Could you not talk to him, though? The lad, what's his name?

George. What would we talk about? Morning, Zee. Morning.

Zee, boy next door, 16,

looking for sex online and lying about his age.

Should Leo not have a word?

His dad's downstairs, the electrician.

But his dad doesn't know he's gay, so do not say anything.

How do you know he doesn't know?

Because George is alive.

That's a bit 1980s.

You'd be surprised, times are changing.

Not with this family, trust me.

Sit at home with a bad dad and you're as closeted as ever.

Why are you employing him, then? Ahem.

Could you just go and do some work, thank you?

Are you mates with him? The boy?

Why would I be mates with a 16-year-old?

What would we even talk about? about? Bluey?

No, I've hardly said two words to him. He's just like, "Hello."

Oh, I dunno, best not then. Oh, don't take his side.

Yeah, but I can see what he means. It's a funny line to cross.

So, the kid goes online,

hooks up, and gets murdered, and that's fine?

But at least he wouldn't have died a virgin.

JUDY CACKLES Oh, power's back on. Hooray.

It's weird, innit,

how we know more about his son than he does.

His wife said he had an affair.

For real? In a caravan park.

Oh. Like Jenny and Lee on Gogglebox?

Maybe it was Jenny.Sh!Don't. THEY LAUGH

He can't hear us.

He can't hear us down there, can he? Nah, course not. No.

Clive!

Yeah? LEO GASPS

Nothing!

I'll start putting these back.

Well, thanks, yeah. Clive.

Nice to meet ya. I'm Zee.

What's that short for, then?

It's not. I'm just Zee. I chose it myself.

How come?

I just did. It's a placeholder till I find the right name.

I'm Hanna.

My girlfriend chose it. She says it's delicate.

How many of you are there?

Morning, all. OK, then. What have we got?

No, no, it's straightforward.

You just had a broken earth cable, so I just replaced it. It's done.

But...?

No, no, you were just unlucky. Put in a new cable. All done.

Oh, OK. Great. Well, that's good.

But... Oh, I knew it. How much?

No, it's just this here. I mean, look at it.

You've got the whole thing running out of one socket.

You've got your sound system, your lights, your mic.

What else is plugged in here?

Smoke machine. Bubble machine. Oil wheel.

Well, look forward to the inquest when you're all burnt

to death. But, look, I can strip away that wall,

I can rewire it and put in five sockets. 800 quid, all in.

How long are we out of action? No, it'll just take me one night.

I can isolate this wall so you can keep the bar open.

600. 800. All right? And that's final.

It's not just the electrics, is it?

You know, I've gotta redecorate and patch it all in.

So, 800 gets you my lad in, my son.

He's got level 3 joinery, so he can tidy it all up

and then seal it off for you.

How old's your son? 25.

He's got two sons.

Why?

What do you mean?

Just you have two sons.

So?

Nothing.

Why'd you say that?

I just did, because you have, haven't you?

Does it matter?

No.

OK, great. Um...

700. 800, all right?

And then we're, er...

MUSIC PLAYS

..disco.

Hey! Go on, Clive. Woo!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

MUSIC OFF

That's enough. I'll get started. Er...

What did you get on the van? Two hours? Yeah.

All right, well, you'd better make it all day, hadn't you? Your treat.

See you later.

Ha-ha.

Ah, I'm running late.

Get a taxi and pick me up at 7.30, OK?

Why are we having dinner with your ex? No fucking idea.

Curtis and Maggie at home. At ten o'clock we are leaving, OK? Bye.

MEN LAUGH

He doesn't know what he's talking about.

He was a shit player and he's a shit pundit, I told you.

He doesn't know what he's fucking talking about, he's a...

Oh, he's always on the fucking drink.

EVERYONE: Oh...

Wahey!

THEY GROAN

Not in front of my dad, he's a married man. Put it away!

Hey, somewhere to park my bike, anyway.

Bloody flipping Curtis and stupid, bloody thick flipping Maggie.

Deep breath.

Hi! Hey!

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, out, out, out.

Oh, that dates you. Sorry we're late.

Oh, you look wonderful. Nice to see you.

Oh, I saw Sanjay! Yeah, I know. He said.

It's been ages. How you been?

Er, not bad. Not bad. Yeah. You're looking older and fatter and greyer.

And you're beginning to smell.

THEY CHUCKLE

Let me take that.

So...who else is coming?

Oh, er, well, it's just us.

Yeah, I thought we could catch up. Have a chance to talk, you know.

Talk about what?

You know, things. Come on through.

Is that enough for you?

And he grabs my laptop and runs. I mean,

he's, what, 6' 3", all muscles.

I mean, he's only 25 years old,

so he runs like a gymnast, out the front door, gone.

And I run! I run after him into the street,

then I hear this click. It's the door closing behind me,

locked, and I'm standing there absolutely naked!

My God, no way. Yeah. I'm standing in the middle of the street

stark bollock naked.

I had to rescue him. Yeah.

Did that really happen?

All hanging out, for all the world to see. Cop a load of this.

But that's it, because Trump is fixing the courts so he can stay

for a third term. Why not a fourth?

Cos you know what this is? The dark age.

It's a new dark age. If I live for 30 more years,

I will die before the dark age ends.

This is it, now. For life.

Oh, I've missed all this. Stephanie Soothsayer.

It's a little bit...doom scrolling, don't you think?

Maggie, you can't seriously say these are good times, can you?

Oh, hardly, no, but I think we're in a state of panic.

I don't think it helps.

I panic, apparently. That's not what she means.

I just think...

We can all worry but we need to do something.

So, we are.

Just sort of a little bit of good in the world, yeah?

Yeah. That's what we wanted to say. It's not a big deal,

we just didn't want you to hear it second-hand.

We are going to foster.

We did the panel on Monday and they've said yes,

so gonna be foster parents.

Oh! I think that's brilliant.

Well done.

Nice. That's amazing. Big changes.

There's such a shortage. I mean, there is SUCH a shortage.

Although...

..poor kids having to listen to you two.

CHUCKLING

We're terrified.

And we did try, but I'm 45 now,

and that's not gonna happen.

And this is the next best thing. It's equally good.

Yes, it's... Exactly. Sorry.

Mum and Dad,

here's to you.

Congratulations. We need people like you.

You get a lot of money.

That's why we're doing it. Cold, hard cash. It's the only...

It's just you never said, when we were together.

You never said you wanted kids.

I didn't back then.

What changed? Nothing. I suppose I was a different person.

Oh, now you're better?

No.

SOFTLY: Don't.

Right, are we all done? We've got a lovely tiramisu. All good?

I'll give you a hand.

Look, come here.

Daddy.

Might be a complete nightmare. I might regret every single second.

You can't fuck up their lives, you know. Children.

Cos they'll have had a hard enough time already.

They don't need to come into a house that's...

..austere.

Oh, that's what I am, is it?

Well, I was always the one who was a laugh.

I mean, sorry, but our mates did not come round for a hoot with Curtis.

Oh, yeah, you're so funny. I'm laughing. It's just

that you never said anything, ever, about kids.

Jamie adopted, you never said a word, not a hint.

It's like I never knew you.

Except, well, hm-hm,

I didn't, did I?

You know what's really stupid? Since you left.

Eating on my own.

Sitting there, cut it up into little pieces, I eat,

I put down the fork, I wash up. Just all that ceremony. OK.

And then I shit. I shit and I eat.

Might as well be a tube. That's my life.

I'm a tube.

Do you still have your key? Have I what?

Your key to the house, have you still got it?

Er, I-I-I don't know, maybe. I didn't formally hand it over.

Why? Would you like me to? No, it's just, like...

..you haven't been back, have you? To the house?

It's just things keep moving.

When I'm not looking. It's... I feel like I'm going mad.

I come back home and it's like things have been moved.

Like a glass...

..or a bottle...

..a letter, or a book that's the wrong way round.

Or a little bit less wine.

And then I turn on the TV. You know when you turn on the TV,

it goes to the last channel you were on?

When I turn it on, it goes to channel 161. What the hell is 161?

You OK?

Yeah.

It's not me.

No, I didn't... I didn't think it was.

I don't really think there's anyone in your house.

No.

I've gone.

Yeah.

I've left you, darling. I've gone.

LEO CRIES

MUSIC: I love you by Billie Eilish

You OK? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm fine.

No, no, no, wait. The best bit, I'll tell you the best bit.

Maggie, sob story, barren Maggie.

When she said, "Did that really happen?"

Oh, my God, yeah, how to kill a fucking story.

"Did that really happen?" Oh, "Hardly."

"Hardly." She said that.

"Ooh, hardly." Downton Abbey. "Hardly."

Ah, that's why she snared him. To be a mother,

that's what she wanted all this time. I said so.

Do you know what I'm going to do tonight?

APP BLEEPS I'm gonna get laid.

I'm gonna get fucked and battered and rimmed.

I am so gonna get rimmed.

Did you know that Curtis has never eaten arse his entire life?

Yup, you did tell me.

He'd only eat it with some coriander.

But tonight's the night!

All right, my darling. Goodnight.

Bend over and think of Scotland.

Oh, don't worry, I've only had two beers,

so I won't turn up hung over. This is Leo, my gay neighbour.

Oh, if that's not offensive.

Well, it is. So watch it.

Don't talk to your employer like that.

You little fuckers. Big fuckers. Hot, hairy, hung.

MOANING

Yes.

DOORBELL RINGS

Found you. Hello, I'm Dave.

I know it says Francesco on the app,

but Francesco gets more results, so, anyway, it's Dave really.

Yeah, hi, I'm Leo.

And that's your real name? Yes. Good start.

There's a lot of liars on that thing.

Ooh, nice place. Thanks.

Do you own it? I do, yeah.

It's nice. And is it just you?

Just me. And that is how it's gonna stay, I'm afraid. Just me.

Um...

I'm fine with being on my own.

I didn't come round to marry you.

No, but...

..I've changed my mind.

I'm just not up for it tonight. I thought I was, but I'm not.

You know when it just goes?

You're kidding me? Sorry.

Another one.

You know, I came all this way.

Well, 662 metres. Not that far.

Piss off.

I will.

Oh.

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, fuck.

MESSAGE ALERT

RAISED VOICES

ARGUMENT CONTINUES

I don't blame him, your own friends treat you like shit.

Yeah, you'd know.

They might as well piss on the floor. I'll get them a trough!

MESSAGE ALERT

Apostrophe.

I want to know why you would look at something so disgusting.

Fuck you.

Fuck off, then. Fuck off, kid.

FROM NEXT DOOR: All right?

MESSAGE ALERT

MESSAGE ALERT

MESSAGE ALERT

MESSAGE ALERT

MESSAGE ALERT

I love you.

I love you.

I still love you.

LEO GROANS

Oh, no.

MESSAGE ALERT

George, I swear, if you tell your girl friends about this,

they will tell you that every single stupid boy does this,

and you'll laugh about it.

Because there's such a big world out there,

and you can have boyfriends or girlfriends or...whatever you like.

You can have all the wild and crazy hot sex you want,

night after night.

Cos I promise you, George, there's a great big gay life

just waiting for you.

DOOR OPENS

I'm coming in, so hands by your sides, all right?

Listen, all this stuff between your mum and me,

I don't want you hearing that, you know, so, er...

There you go.

You all right? Yeah. Well, you don't look it.

What is it? It's the game. Dog died.

MESSAGE ALERT

Who are you texting? What's it to you?

Oh, come on. It's late, isn't it?

You've got college tomorrow and you know the rules.

The phone's not private until you're 18.

So, come on, give us it.

Is it a girl? Shut up. No, has she upset you?

Can you just leave me alone?

I wanna tell you something important, all right?

They're not worth it.

Not one of them.

MESSAGE ALERT

Urgh, you're disgusting.

Morning, all. Morning! Morning, lover boy. How's Curtis?

Oh, boring old bastard. Hello, Saul. All right, boss. Nice gaff.

You're late.

No. I was in early yesterday because of you.

This is, like, a normal time of day, because I work late.

And...

..I want to apologise.

If I was a bit rude last night. I, er... Sorry about that.

I meant no offence.

Why, what did you say?

It's all done and dusted.

So, are we good?

Told you, got nothing on my conscience.

I only had two pints, so my head is clear.

Not me. I'm fucking hanging.

I'll tell you what, boss. I said to Jude,

"Have you got any paint left from when you last did the walls?"

She looked in the cellar. And there it was, sitting at the back,

after all these years. No-one ever chucks paint away.

Don't know how to do it.

That saves a bit of money. Nicely played.

Well, welcome on board, Saul. All right,

me and Judy have got the managers' meeting now,

all the bars and clubs with the council. It's a riot.

Help yourself to anything, and Mikey can look after you. Mikey,

you've met Clive. That's Saul, Clive's son. All right?

Morning, fellas.

SHE MOUTHS

DOOR OPENS

It's Saul, isn't it? I mean, you're Hotsaul.

Oh, mate, don't tell me you subscribe. It's for girls, you know.

Can't stop me. As long as you're paying.

I'm on there. Are you?

Mikey Manchester. How much do you make?

20,000 a year.

Fucking hell. I make six if I'm lucky. What you working here for?

My dad. He's a...dickhead.

Left us with a load of debts and shit.

But hey, if you ever wanna collab...

Oh, mate, not my scene.

I could teach you.

Seriously, just women. Yeah?

Take a Viagra.

Nice try, cheers, mate. Keep subscribing. Have a good wank.

I've done that.

I am catnip in this place.

What do you mean? That Mikey lad, asking to diddle me. Begging for it.

So, what did you say?

I said, "Up your arse." That was a mistake. He said, "Yes, please."

And who is she?

I'm Saul. I'm with him.

Well, isn't he the lucky one?

Told you. Catnip.

And who are you?

I'm the electrician.

Oh, the neighbour. That's right.

The horny-handed son of toil.

You're the one with the son. Mm. He said he was hot.

Who did?

Leo.

When did he say that?

Wasn't he naked, your boy?

Wasn't there a story that Leo was in your house,

and your son was naked?

Yeah.

When the boss got locked out the house. He means Saul.

Yeah, well he doesn't mean George, does he? George is 16.

He's legal.

Melba, it's a bit dangerous in here with the electrics.

Let's keep you safe, eh? Sit you by the window.

Hanna's actually nipping out for some toasties if you want one.

Let's get you a nice cheese and ham toastie, eh?

Next point of order, Lauchlan McCartney.

You'll be glad to hear he's currently residing

at His Majesty's pleasure. Which one's he?

The Bird Man. Big tall skinhead, you've seen him.

He'd bite the heads off pigeons and leave 'em outside Cruz 101.

Oh, yeah. Not any more. Pigeon population is restored.

Next on the list, over to you, Lucille.

This was tough. Miss Titty Ditty.

Titty Ditty is a cabaret artist from Glasgow.

We booked her, but she then prints posters

and starts advertising on her website,

this is her, not us,

and the image had a Star of David on it.

Now, it's got all sorts on it. It's got Spider-Man,

it's got the TARDIS, it's got Cynthia Erivo.

It's a collage, but we get protests.

They think she's anti-Palestine.

And is she? I don't think she could point to Palestine on a map.

She sings limericks on a banjo. The next thing you know,

our staff are being assaulted,

security, they're getting food flung at them,

chips and stuff thrown in their face.

Who does that? Passers-by?

No, our lot.

Lesbians at a lesbian bar attacking the lesbian staff

because of a lesbian with a Jewish symbol. What the hell's going on?

On behalf of the council, I've got to say, we're very happy.

We can review the use of polycarbonates after 11pm,

but I do have one worry.

You have a lot of drag queens on the door.

We do. Are you sure?

We definitely do. I've seen them.

Are you sure about the policy?

We think it might drive people away.

I think they draw people in. In fact, I know they do.

People love a drag queen.

In 2026? Since time immemorial.

I don't quite understand what the problem is here.

I'm gay. I go to Canal Street.

I discover that gay means a man in lipstick

and a wig with false breasts and glitter.

How does that represent me?

It's not meant to represent you.

No, but nothing ever represents me, does it? So, what do you want?

Door staff in...

What?

He's not even gay. He's been seen with a woman called Elaine.

He just pretends to be gay to get promoted.

That's how it works these days.

Ah, I always said the left would eat itself, and the feasting has begun.

They're throwing chips. With tomato fucking sauce.

Do you still have that youth group?

Er, yeah, still going.

I've got a youth for you. Let me save one of them. Just one.

Ah, that's what I like to see.

At least I can trust you lot. Morning, Melba.

My meeting was dull, stupid and insane.

Hello, Clive. All good? Saul, happy?

All good. Oh, and Benny from the brewery.

On cue. A warm hand on your entrance.

You wish. Christ, I've had a night and a half.

Hello, Leonardo. Hand those out. Special offers,

Love Your Best Friend Day on the 31st. What?

I know, I don't know who comes up with this shit, me.

Someone in a room.

So, I went out last night, hooked up with this ice skater. He said,

"I'm with Disney on Ice." I said, "Well, better than being

"with Disney on fire." No word of a lie,

grabbed his arse, it was like holding a skull.

Ooh, nice. I know. And hung like a deodorant.

Like a lady-size roll-on? Fuck your mother.

I'm talking a cannister of Right Guard. Huh?

You should see me, girls, I'm prolapsed.

And he shot his load. Do you know how many ropes?

12. In the face. One, ow, two, ow, three, ow, four, ow...

I was like a battered wife.

CLATTER

Trying to work here.

Don't you tell me to put a plug in it, darling,

cos I've already got one in.

Benny from the brewery, this is Clive.

We're having some electrics done.

Oh. Are you putting the neon back up? Oh, my God.

That's a thought, I love the neon.

I love the neon. Do you remember?

Ta-da! CHEERING

See? Told you.

ELECTRICAL FIZZING

GROANS

Oh. Shit.

What happened to that thing?

Never bloody worked, did it? And I got the blame for it.

Yeah, we should put it back up.

Curtis would be so pissed off. Hey, Clive, can you fix neon signs?

Cost you extra. Where is it? It's not here.

Oh, no, it's at home, it's at mine. I got it in the divorce.

It's a big old thing. Clive, could you bring it in your van tomorrow?

No, I told you, it's a one-day job, innit?

And anyway, I think I'm finished with this place.

Well, I'm still paying you.

All right, yeah. I'll go and get it. Where is it? Your house? Um...

I've got the keys, haven't I?

No, but I don't like anyone going into my house without me.

Why not? What am I gonna do? I just don't.

Well, maybe you should come with me, eh? Cos I wanna talk to you

about inappropriate behaviour. Your staff making suggestions

to my son. Oh, shut up, Dad. Don't be stupid.

What did you do? Didn't do anything.

Ooh, drama, salt my popcorn.

He asked him for sex, and I know the law. That's inappropriate.

All right, all right, I'll have a word, but come on, Clive.

They're lads. They banter. Wasn't it just banter?

Saul's 25 years old. Exactly, he's not a kid.

Yeah, and he's not bent. Oh, so that's the problem.

I did not make a pass at him. You're kidding me.

What, I'm not seriously getting bollocked?

It's people your age who insist on these rules,

for good reason. And I think this is private, Zee.

I saw them. Saul was laughing.

Why is everything always sex with you lot, eh? All the time.

And it's not like that with you? Come on, Clive.

Take me to one of your building sites.

Let me listen to your mates. I'd be shocked.

"Fuck your mother," that man said. I mean, "Fuck your mother"?!

Who says that?

I was being professional. This IS my profession.

We're both on Only Fans. Look, and there's Saul...

..selling himself here. Have it on the group chat.

Anything good?

That person with the lipstick said that you fancied Saul.

I mean, how old are you, Leo?

Clive, look, he's 6'5" and strapping.

I'm allowed to notice.

If-If you had a mate who had a daughter who was 25

and gorgeous, you'd notice, so...

MESSAGE ALERT It's not my fault that Saul is...

We've got rules about this.

Saul's an employee. You can't play that.

LEO CACKLES

What? What's so funny? No, it's nothing, it's nothing.

Nothing, really.

You're laughing, aren't you? Just all of ya.

You're laughing at filth. It's just filth.

Deodorants? And you wonder why you get hate.

All right, you can hate us and blame us all you like,

but why don't you sit down with your son, huh?

Your straight son, and ask him?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media