Original subtitles

♪ My heart is a singing heart ♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Man, look at this.

What a sight, it's beautiful!

♪ New York City can look awful pretty ♪

♪ When you've been away for quite a while ♪

♪ So open up those honky-tonks ♪

♪ From the Battery to the Bronx ♪

♪ When we land, we're gonna live it up... ♪

In style!

♪ If you guessing we've got addressing ♪

♪ If you guesses, theses addresses mean caresses ♪

♪ If you think this little book is packed with dynamite ♪

♪ You're but oh so right ♪

♪ When we hanker ♪

♪ For what we hanker ♪

♪ Could you hold us back? You couldn't with an anchor ♪

♪ Do we always feel like this when there's a port in sight? ♪

♪ You're but oh so right ♪

♪ Show me a bunch of lonely sea males who haven't been with females ♪

♪ And I'll show you the sickest guys for sure ♪

- "Ah"? - Ah!

♪ Things cannot be tougher ♪

♪ And that from which we suffer ♪

♪ Nothing but a girlie's kiss can cure ♪

- "Ah"? - Ah!

♪ Looking at you ♪

♪ We're saying that you ♪

♪ Reach a point where you would even hug a statue ♪

♪ If you think you oughta keep your girlfriend locked up tight ♪

♪ You're but oh so right ♪

♪ Who's the first gal that you hope to see? ♪

♪ Any gal who will take advantage of me ♪

♪ Where's the first place that you hope to go? ♪

♪ Any place at all where you could squander your dough ♪

♪ Those sailors who row boat in Central Park ♪

♪ Are very far from dim

♪ A gal may walk back from an auto ride ♪

♪ But she'll think twice before she will swim ♪

♪ There's a real pop joint on a most peculiar street ♪

♪ They've got a one-armed pianist, and his left hand can't be beat ♪

♪ I sure can't wait to dig that cat again ♪

♪ He does more with five fingers than most guys do with ten ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ I know you're set on celebratin' ♪

♪ But trouble's out there waitin' ♪

♪ You're gonna wind up broke and in a mess, you'll see ♪

♪ Tomorrow you'll be dead heads ♪

♪ Rolled by blondes and redheads ♪

Is that the thing you want?

♪ Oh yes, oh yes ♪

♪ I'm no preacher ♪

♪ No Sunday teacher ♪

♪ Just a guy who likes to help his fellow creatures ♪

♪ If you dopes insist on being broke tomorrow night ♪

♪ Then your course is right

- ♪ And we're set to sail ♪ - Beware the primrose trail.

- ♪ We're gonna live it up ♪ - You'll taste the bitter cup.

♪ If you think we're heading higher than the highest kite ♪

♪ You're but oh so right ♪

- So wrong. - So right!

- So wrong! - ♪ So right ♪

♪ So wrong ♪

(male announcer) Now, hear this. Now, hear this.

This is the captain speaking.

We're putting into the Brooklyn Navy Yard

for extensive repairs.

[all cheering]

After eight months of active duty with you,

I know a good crew when I've got one.

We haven't lost a man in battle action, and knowing the perils of shore leave,

it'd be foolish to lose a man in that kind of action.

You hear that? He's right.

On the other hand,

this ship has always operated on the calculated risk theory.

So I'm ordering all hands to take a full 30-day shore leave.

And make the most of it.

[all cheering]

Hey, Choirboy, why don't you come ashore with Porky and me?

Let your hair down!

How 'bout lettin' some of yours down for me?

I'm goin' ashore, alright.

But I'm not gonna squander my dough.

Battle stations, fellas! Here comes another sermon.

Oh, singin' ain't the only thing he learned in that choir.

No, he picked up some preachin', too.

Yeah, well, you guys could use a little.

Look, the Navy's done you a favor,

kept you where you couldn't spend your money.

Now you got a little nest egg, what're you gonna do?

You're gonna blow every dime on some dumb dame.

Oh, no, one dime goes to the phone company to call the dame.

And after you call her, what do you got?

"What you got?" Are you kiddin'?

What has that book been doin' to you?

Makin' me think.

Makin' you think about what, Choirboy?

Ah, Twitch, we don't wanna hear about it.

I wanna hear about it.

If it wasn't for Choirboy's thinkin', a lot of us wouldn't be here right now.

- What's your story, 'Boy? - Thanks, Twitch.

Well, look...

Eight months' back-pay in the submarine service

is a lotta dough, right?

- Right. - Right.

Each of us has more than a thousand bucks, right?

Yeah, and we're gonna spend all of it, too.

Okay, wise guy, do what you want with your money,

but I'm takin' a tip from this little book as to what to do with mine.

- Hey, Choirboy. - Yeah?

- Lemme look at that book, huh? - Go right ahead, Twitch.

"Making My First Million"...

...by B.P. Morrow.

Who's he?

President of Morrow and Peabody and Company,

the biggest stockbrokers on Wall Street.

Started with 50 bucks. Bought stock low and sold it high.

Buy low, sell high? This, you gotta learn from a book?

- You gonna buy stock? - I'm calling on Mr. Morrow personally.

Whatever he says buy, I'm buying.

Why, I'll double my money, maybe even triple it.

Could be, with your luck.

Why, double my dough, I could buy me a couple cabs,

could be business for myself when I get outta the Navy.

You're right.

Double mine, I could make a down payment on that little chicken farm in Jersey!

I could have my own restaurant!

What's good enough for Choirboy is good enough for me.

And you.

Me too, I got nothin' against makin' money.

It's better than losin' it in a crap game.

Hey, fellas, come on and get in on this.

Double your dough overnight in the stock market!

- Hey, count me in! - Hey, listen, you know, guys...

He doubles our money by tomorrow, we still got 29 days' leave left.

Sure! Look, there's more than 50 of us aboard.

That's over 50 grand between us. We can form our own company.

With Choirboy as president, we can plant our dough with his.

A money orchard!

Who, me? Oh, no.

What's the matter, you wanna keep a good thing all to yourself?

- 'Course not! - You wanna hog all the profits?

No! I just don't want the responsibility.

Look, me and Porky'll go with you. Don't worry about it.

- Get the dough, Porky. - Oh, now, wait a minute, fellas...

- We're shipmates, ain't we? - 'Course, we're shipmates...

We want in, understand? Here, put me down for a thousand.

[indistinct shouting]

Wait a minute!

Here's my five hundred.

- Five hundred? - A spy.

[all shouting]

Wall Street, here we come!

[indistinct chattering]

(Choirboy) Come on, you guys! Hurry up, come on!

[chattering continues]

[instrumental music]

Hey, look, mates, they finally found a door that fits me.

A ring-a-ding-a-ding-ding-ding...

- What're you doing? - I travel the best circles.

Come on!

Something I can do for you fellas?

We'd like to make some investments.

So would I, son. But it takes money.

- Money? - Money?

Money.

Where did you get that?

We just got paid!

You shoulda seen that before they took out the withholding tax.

Yes, but... But aren't you fellas sailors?

Sailors? Yachtsmen.

Oh, yes, yes, of course,

well, Mr. Morrow takes care of all new clients personally.

This way, gentlemen, please.

Oh, Miss Brown, these gentlemen would like to see Mr. Morrow

about some investments.

- I'm a very busy man. - So let's close the deal quick!

But I am not interested in your proposition...

- 'Cause you haven't heard it! - I told you...

- You're a busy man... - I'm sorry, he's in conference.

How did you get in here anyway? Who gave you an appointment...

Mr. Morrow, opportunity doesn't need an appointment, it only knocks once.

Will you please listen?

Mr. Woods, this is an investment house.

We do not put money in shows.

Oh, but you never seen a show like this before!

I brought Miss Weston down here to give you a personal audition.

I'm trying to make you understand, I don't want an audition.

Oh, I wouldn't want you to buy a pig in a poke.

I want you to know what you're gettin'. Sing it, honey.

Listen. You'll love her.

♪ I was raised in an atmosphere of decorum and propriety ♪

♪ I was taught that a brat must fear ♪

♪ The scorn of polite society ♪

♪ There are things you do and don't do ♪

♪ That's the way it was taught to me ♪

♪ There are things you do and don't do ♪

♪ But speaking romantically ♪

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, or I'll scream ♪

[screaming]

♪ You better pucker up and kiss me or I'll ♪

♪ Blow my top ♪

♪ What's with all the conversation ♪

♪ 'Bout the national debt ♪

♪ I could get more oscillation from an old Civil War bet ♪

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, or I'll scream ♪

[screaming]

♪ You better put your arms around me or I'll call a cop ♪

♪ You're making an absolute nightmare ♪

♪ Of a perfectly wonderful dream ♪

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ Or I'll scream

[screaming]

Sensational, eh?

Miss Penny alone could put this show in clover.

But I'm like a banker, Mr. Morrow, I got collateral.

Emilio Rossi, the great opera star.

Think of it,

for the first time on any musical comedy stage,

he dances, he acts, he makes love.

Scenes, tear your heart out.

- Box office'll make you rich. - I am rich.

Richer!

Think of it... Emilio Rossi, the great lover.

Dr. Rossi in surgery.

General Rossi at Waterloo.

I am not interested...

[phone buzzing]

He's not here. Get a load of this scene.

A farmhouse in Minnesota, snowing outside,

the front door opens.

Emilio Rossi, the tycoon, enters.

Ham at last...

Home at last.

His poor mother is scrubbing the ceiling...

Scrubbing the ceiling? A twist!

- Get this scene, Mr. Morrow... - I don't want to hear the scene!

You're right. What are scenes in a musical? Nothing.

- You're a smart showman... - I am not a showman!

...music makes it, dancing, costume.

Sing the second chorus, honey. Hit it, baby!

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, or I'll yelp ♪

- Help! - Stop it!

Will you stop peekin' and listen?

You're disrupting the whole organization!

Will you please put your clothes on?

Look, this is the biggest show since "Oklahoma!"

It's bigger than "Oklahoma!"

Please! Stop it!

Will you please put your clothes on?

All I need is money for a tryout.

Not that it needs a tryout, it's a smash.

Men like you can save it.

We do not put money in shows!

Oh, no! No!

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ Or I'll ♪

[screaming]

- Isn't she the greatest? - Officer!

Look... you could be a big producer, Mr. Morrow.

What do you wanna be? Just another millionaire?

[door rattling]

Opportunity is knockin', why don't you take advantage of it?

- Hey! Oh. - Throw this man out!

I thought you were a man of vision.

When my show is playin' to standing room on Broadway,

I wouldn't let you in the theatre.

- Put him out! - Hold off, you storm trooper!

You'll hear from my lawyers!

Violence'll get you nowhere!

I wouldn't deal with this fly-by-night outfit!

Never have I seen such mismanagement.

Mismanagement?

No wonder Securities Exchange Commission is investigating you!

Investigation?

Lucky thing this joint is at the ground floor.

Clients'll be jumpin' outta windows... comes the crash!

Crash?

Get off me!

Gentlemen, gent... There is no cause for alarm.

I assure you, your investments are absolutely safe.

Come clean, Morrow. Are you being investigated?

- Are you anticipating a crash? - What about my investments?

We want the truth, Morrow.

Gentlemen, there is no cause for panic. It's all a mistake.

This is a very conservative house.

Conservative house, indeed!

May I have my skirt, please?

Take it and get out!

She doesn't belong here.

Gosh... she's beautiful.

A ring-a-ding-a-ding.

Mr. Woods, this is just terribly embarrassing.

Are you certain Judy Garland started like this?

Oh... don't let it get you down, honey.

Now, I'm not doing any more singing unless it's on a stage.

Hey, we gotta blow this joint before somebody gets hurt.

- You know, they always blame the Navy. - They certainly do.

[coughing]

Are you gonna let me down? Ain't I trying to get a theatre?

They cost money, but this is Wall Street, there must be a bankroll some place.

Come on, let's try J.P. Morgan and Company.

But, Mr. Woods..

You fellas see a crowd?

Why? You lookin' for one?

Ho-ho, that's funny.

I beg your pardon, sir, but what you said inside, is that true?

Probably.

Well, if it is, we certainly owe you a vote of thanks.

We were gonna invest $50,000.

Did you say... Did I hear...

Have you got... Where is it?

- Where's what? - The 50,000.

Oh. That's right in here.

(Porky) You wanna count it, matey?

So that's what you guys carry in them bags.

- Son, this is your lucky day. - Yeah.

It just so happens I'm in a position

to let some shrewd operator take advantage of me.

How would you like to double your money?

Well, I don't know...

You don't know? You know what two and two is, don't you?

- Yeah... four! - That's sharp.

You're in the right town, but you picked the wrong street.

Broadway is where you invest.

Hey, taxi!

- Pardon me. - Come on, son!

Wait a minute. Where're we going?

To see the greatest show in the world, starring Emilio Rossi.

Miss Weston's the leading lady, she's comin' too.

- Oh, fine. - Come on, let's go.

Alright, fellas. Hop in, hop in. Let's go.

Come on! This could be a break for us.

Mr. Woods, you can't take money from these boys,

they're in the Navy.

So? If I make 'em rich, it's patriotic.

Come on!

I, uh... I don't believe I got your name.

Woods. Joe Woods Production.

This is Miss Penny Weston, our leading lady.

- Twitch. - So I get this idea, see?

Miss Penny is good, but no-name.

Emilio Rossi, he's got the name.

- But no good? - The greatest.

Now, I got the show in the bag, you got the dough in the bag.

Let's get together. This is the biggest show since "Oklahoma!"

The title alone, "Texas," it's bigger than Oklahoma.

What do you say?

I don't think we ought to invest in show business, Mr. Woods.

We don't know anything about it.

Oh, we know something about it, Choirboy.

We put on pretty good shows aboard ship.

Kinda took care of the entertainment, y'know?

Oh, but Twitch, that was just little things about the Navy.

Songs and dances.

You put on shows about the Navy?

- Yeah. - Incredible!

I tell ya, it gives a man pause.

That's what this show's about. The Navy.

I thought you said it was about Texas.

Well, I call it "Texas" for short.

Actually, it's "The USS Texas."

This show is loaded with Navy scenes.

Sing 'em the Navy ballad, honey.

- The Navy ballad? - Shy.

"The Navy ballad?" The Navy ballad! Navy ballad, same as any other ballad.

Boy meets girl, girl meets boy. Same as any other ballad.

Sailors know about that, don't they? Sing them the navy ballad.

Sing it, honey, the Navy ballad!

♪ The lightning seems to fly ♪

♪ Across the summer sky ♪

♪ And shooting stars begin to fall around you ♪

♪ The most amazing things take place ♪

♪ Each time that we come face to face ♪

♪ And simply 'cause you're there ♪

♪ There's music everywhere ♪

♪ The melodies I hear would just astound you ♪

♪ And they invite us to embrace ♪

♪ Each time that we come face to face ♪

♪ And when you aren't near ♪

♪ The world's a wintery thing ♪

♪ But then when you are here ♪

♪ It's spring again ♪

♪ It's spring ♪

♪ The first time that we kissed ♪

♪ I heard my heart insist ♪

♪ "Don't ever let him go..." ♪

♪ "...now that he's found you" ♪

♪ And though the skies be gray or blue ♪

♪ You face them face to face ♪

♪ With you ♪

- Ain't she the greatest? - So-lid!

[piano music]

[car honking]

[tires screeching]

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Enough of all this!

This is disgraceful!

Emilio Rossi... rehearsing in a garage.

Mr. Rossi...

I know all this noise must be a strain to your, uh, artistic nerves...

...but do I dare to presume you're in the mood to rehearse?

Well, as a true artist, which I am...

...I will try.

Come away with me, my love.

Let me take you out of all this...

...into poverty and misery.

Mr. Rossi...

The line is...

"Let me take you out of all this poverty and misery."

Not "into poverty and misery."

That wouldn't make any sense.

Well, if it doesn't make any sense, why did you write it?

Is anything else wrong?

Come away with me, my love...

[crashing]

[metal clanking]

Am I to be scorned in this smelly New York garage?

Where is Mr. Woods?

He's out raising money, Mr. Rossi.

So as we can rent a theatre for you to be scorned in.

Uh, I mean, rehearse in.

Wait a minute.

There's a phone call for the Woods Production.

Will you excuse me?

Thank you.

Joe Woods Productions, good afternoon.

Oh, I am sorry.

Well, deposit the check again, I'm sure it'll clear this time.

Well, they say the third time is a charm.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Woods is not here right now.

Well, here we are.

Say, Mr. Woods...

You rehearse in a garage?

- Hey, maybe it's an auto show, huh? - Oh, Rossi's idea. He demands realism.

He's got a scene in the garage, so he rehearses in a garage.

Hey, got any scenes in the girls' dormitory?

The costume people just called again about those bad checks!

I'll say those checks were bad,

I told 'em a dozen times I want stripes in those ballet skirts, not checks.

Honey, introduce the boys to Rossi. See you in a minute, fellas.

Don't you know better than to talk about bad checks in front of investors?

The sailors?

You see that sailor with a duffel bag?

He's loaded! He's got over 50 grand in that bag.

Where would sailors get that kinda money?

How do I know? Maybe they're pirates.

They're good for what we need.

What did I do with those unsigned contracts?

In your office, with the unpaid bills.

Hey, wait a minute.

How many times I gotta tell you to stay out of the customers' cars?

This morning you ran the battery down in Mr. McEwen's Lincoln...

...with your electric razor!

So charge it to me. Ha, get it? Charge it to me!

Listen, this is no laughing matter, Woods.

Now, you get your laundry outta this car,

and you and your crowd clear outta here, I'm tryin' to run a legitimate business.

Oh, don't give us that.

You got customers' cars parked on side streets clear up to the Bronx!

Only so you people would have more room to rehearse.

For which you're getting a piece of the show.

Don't argue with a peasant. We're clearin' out today.

The sooner, the better.

Joe, suppose the sailors don't come through?

- They got to. - Well, I almost wish they wouldn't.

Then maybe you'd go back to being an agent instead of a producer.

All you seem to care about now is getting the show on.

Well, they gotta get on before they can stay on.

Don't worry, cookie. Someday, we'll get a long run.

Oh, we got one. Our engagement is now in its third year.

We'll get married as soon as I get a hit.

I wouldn't want a swell doll like you to marry a failure.

Oh, thanks.

That's all for today, kids, we're clearin' out.

There's a fleet of trucks coming in.

We goin' to the theater now, Mr. Woods?

Oh, no. We're through rehearsin'.

Well, here are the contracts. Sign, and we're partners.

Anybody got a fountain pen?

You wouldn't want us to sign without seeing or hearing the show, would you?

Of course not!

Miss Weston and I'll run through the words and music for you.

Mr. Woods!

Are you suggesting that the full potential of this project...

...can be achieved without my participation?

Perish the thought, Mr. Rossi.

You don't think Joe Woods would allow a star of your magnitude

to stoop to an audition?

This, uh, sordid commercial bargaining is beyond the great Emilio Rossi.

Very well.

I shall be at my hotel.

Call me when you get a theater... not a garage.

Mr. Woods... May I speak to you for a moment, please?

What's the matter?

You're gonna swindle these boys, aren't you?

If you mean, am I gonna steal their money?

- You're wrong. - No...

I mean you're not gonna let them read the script

because it isn't what you told them it was.

All you have to do is make the guy with the moneybag like ya,

I'll take care of the script.

But I wanna be an actress.

I don't wanna make people like me just to get their money.

Well, that's what every good actress does to every audience.

Honey...

That whole company is depending on you.

You wouldn't wanna let them down, would you?

Please make the guy with the money like you.

Honey...

Thanks.

I knew you'd come through.

[tires screeching]

Hang on a minute!

Come on, get that stuff outta there. Come on.

Melvin, you look tired.

Take the afternoon off, I'll call you when I need you.

I know why you wanna get rid of me.

I heard the sailors say they think the show's about the Navy.

Don't worry, I'll see they keep right on thinkin'...

No, you won't.

After they invest... you'll make me re-write it again.

Alright, a line here, a line there...

Mr. Woods... I wrote a play about my childhood, a tragedy.

You turned it into a musical comedy.

Then you started changing scenes to get investors.

Now, it's a revue. No story, just scenes.

We even have a scene in Shanghai to pay off the man who does your laundry.

Shanghai! That's it!

That's it!

Put some Navy stuff in the Shanghai sea.

I knew you'd come up with somethin'.

Oh, you play, huh?

- Well, a little. - And he chirps like a bird, too.

I've been sick.

Twitch here is the rhythm section. Go ahead. Show her, Twitch.

[piano music]

[tap dancing]

(all) I tell you, it gives a man pause.

[clapping]

- From the top, huh, 'Boy? - Well, alright.

♪ In the true show business vernacular ♪

♪ Hum ♪

♪ I feel colossal, amazing, spectacular ♪

♪ Hum ♪

♪ I would sure have a wonderful deal ♪

♪ If I could copyright the way that I feel ♪

♪ The way the way that I feel ♪

♪ Lately I just float ♪

♪ Lately, just like in a trance ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I got butterflies, butterflies, all of the time ♪

(all) All the time?

♪ And the feelin' I feel is mighty close to sublime ♪

♪ Sublime ♪

♪ Lately I don't walk lately ♪

♪ Lately I just dance ♪

♪ I got butterflies, butterflies, all the while ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ And they tickle me so I constantly wear a smile ♪

♪ That's nice ♪

- ♪ Yesterday the sun ♪ - ♪ Yesterday the sun ♪

- ♪ Couldn't get through to me ♪ - ♪ Couldn't get to me ♪

- ♪ Now don't you misconstrue me ♪ - ♪ Don't you misconstrue me ♪

- ♪ Sun was everywhere ♪ - Yeah!

♪ I just didn't care, but... ♪

♪ Lately how it shines lately ♪

♪ Shines on our romance ♪

- ♪ He's got butterflies ♪ - ♪ Butterflies ♪

♪ What do they say ♪

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ We're in love to stay ♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[battery charger buzzing]

[slow-paced music]

I'm adorable!

[music continues]

[crashing]

[instrumental music]

♪ I just didn't care ♪

♪ Lately how it shines lately ♪

♪ Shines on our romance ♪

♪ And those butterflies, butterflies ♪

♪ What do they say? ♪

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ We're in love to... ♪

Oh, no.

[Twitch whistles]

[tapping]

[tapping continues]

♪ Yesterday the sun ♪

♪ Yesterday the sun couldn't get through to me ♪

♪ My life was awful gloomy ♪

♪ But not today 'cause the ever-lovin' sun is here to stay ♪

[engine sputtering]

[music continues]

♪ Wonder why ♪

♪ Why do they say ♪

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ We're in love ♪

♪ To stay ♪

[indistinct chattering]

[all laughing]

Gosh, Miss Weston, you're wonderful.

Yeah, honey, I dig you the most.

The show oughta be a cinch with you in it.

- You're pretty wonderful yourselves... - I got your contracts right here.

Not yet, Mr. Woods.

Well, you like the number, didn't you? You like Miss Weston.

Yes, I like Miss Weston.

But that's only one number.

And Mr. Rossi's the star of the show, and not Miss Weston.

And where's the Navy stuff?

In the scenes.

Well, maybe we oughta read the scenes.

I think maybe they'd better.

Oh, sure, sure, I'm dying to read 'em to ya.

I'll tell you what... we'll have a quiet little dinner someplace,

and I'll read 'em to ya personally.

[loud band music]

[indistinct chattering]

[music continues]

[music stops]

Rossi goes into a salute and sings "Anchors Aweigh." Curtain.

Will that scene fracture 'em? You tell me.

To tell you the truth...

To tell you the truth, I couldn't hear much of it.

You couldn't?

What I heard, I didn't dig.

Of course not. This stuff is deep, makes you think.

Well, uh...

I think I better read it.

- What's the matter? - Plenty, I need your help.

My help?

Yeah, you know I can't let him read that script,

or he'll know it's not about the Navy.

But what can I do?

Well, you could dance with him, that'll keep his mind off of it.

Go ahead.

Go ahead!

Isn't anyone gonna dance with little me?

How 'bout little me?

How do ya like that, me talking business?

What're you waiting for? Dance, have fun, enjoy yourself.

Live a little.

Go, guys.

She's goin' over real big with me, y'know.

I hope you don't mind my holding out on the show like this.

It's just that...

Well, I have to be careful how I invest the fellas' money.

A man with resistance is much more fascinating.

[chuckling]

Oh... I'm afraid I'm not much of a dancer.

I'm afraid you're right.

Well, what do you know? An honest woman.

Any other girl would've said, "You dance marvelously."

You know something?

I think you're wonderful.

It's no use.

Hey, am I that bad?

Choirboy... I'm not an honest woman.

I was sent here to vamp you into backing Mr. Woods' show.

Shucks, I know that!

You do?

Why else would a star like you spend an evening with three mugs like us?

Choirboy, I'm not a star. I'm just Emilio Rossi's leading lady.

Which makes me practically anonymous.

Well, to me you're a star.

And if I back this show,

it'll be because I wanna prove to everybody else how great you are.

That money belongs to your shipmates,

and I just couldn't bear the responsibility of it.

Alright... suppose you talked us out of backin' the show,

and it was a hit.

You'd really feel bad, wouldn't you?

- Yes. - Well, there you are.

Look... what do you say we drink to a big success?

[guests applauding]

- Pardon me! - I'm sorry, but this is our table.

And our champagne.

[chuckling]

Well, so... So... so it is.

Excuse us, please.

- Shall we dance? - I think we'd better.

Have you ever in your life...

♪ There must be a reason ♪

♪ Why I look at you and sigh ♪

♪ There are many, I suppose ♪

♪ But somehow those I think of ♪

♪ Just don't apply ♪

♪ There must be a reason ♪

♪ For that something in your kiss ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been kissed before ♪

♪ But never quite like this ♪

♪ There must be an answer ♪

♪ One that any fool could see ♪

♪ I could almost give you ten ♪

♪ But never when you're dancing ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ If I should ask a wise man ♪

♪ To explain why I thrill to your charms ♪

♪ He would say, "You're in love" ♪

♪ "And the reason's right there in..." ♪

♪ "...your arms" ♪

♪ There must be an answer ♪

- ♪ One that any fool could see ♪ - ♪ La-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪

♪ I could almost give you ten ♪

♪ But never when you're dancing ♪

♪ So close to me ♪

♪ If I should ask a wise man ♪

♪ To explain why I thrill to your charms ♪

♪ He would say we're in love ♪

♪ And the reason's right here ♪

♪ In your arms ♪

[crowd applauding]

Hey, aren't you taking too much for granted?

What do you think... partner?

[applause continues]

[indistinct chattering]

[fog horn blaring]

- Watch your step. - Thanks.

Gee, I wouldn't wanna get you fellas in trouble,

bringing a woman on board.

- Oh, come on, Penny, it's okay. - Oh, sure.

Hey... I see where US Steel went up half a point.

Gee, I hope Choirboy got on that one.

Continental Soybeans dropped four cents!

Now, what sailor would buy beans?

This waiting is killing me.

Choirboy should've been back here hours ago.

Yeah, wonder what's keeping that guy ashore.

After eight months at sea...

...I'll draw you a picture.

It's been so long, I'm beginning to see them everywhere.

Are you sure this is alright? What'll the captain say?

Who's gonna tell him?

[all laughing]

[whistling]

Thank you very much.

- Hiya, boys. - Hi.

Hi! Man, what do you say, huh?

- Hey, come on, Pork. Watch it. - Easy...

This thing must be shrinkin'!

We were just wonderin' what happened to you.

- Now we know. - Now, don't jump to conclusions.

Fellas... this is Miss Penny Weston, who is now working for us.

- Yeah, she's in your show. - Show?

- What show? - Our show?

What is this?

Well... we ended up on Broadway instead of Wall Street.

Yeah, you know how you can get lost in a strange town.

You put our money in a show?

Not a show, the show, stupid.

Starring Emilio Rossi.

I tell you, fellas, it's a great investment.

Well, wait'll you hear what "South Pacific" did, and "Oklahoma!"

And Wisconsin, and Michigan, and Texas A&M...

- What's ours done? - It's gonna be a great hit.

It's all about the navy.

- Well, I don't wanna back a show! - Yeah, where's the money?

Are you tryin' to pull a fast one?

- What's the big idea... - Wait a minute, fellas.

Why don't you wait until you see the show?

$50,000 to see a show!

Why, you...

Wait a minute, fellas, wait a minute!

Hey, Penny, sing somethin'!

But what shall I sing?

- Sing anything! - Anything!

♪ When it's love ♪

♪ You will know ♪

♪ Not before, not until, not again ♪

♪ When it's love, there's a glow ♪

♪ That you've only suspected till then ♪

♪ There's no thrill that you feel ♪

♪ From a touch, from a glance, from a sigh ♪

♪ When it's love, and it's real ♪

♪ You will know when, you'll also know why ♪

♪ Don't ever give up your dream ♪

♪ Someday they'll all come true ♪

♪ Somewhere there's someone who's waiting to find ♪

♪ Life's happiness with you ♪

♪ When it's love ♪

♪ You will know ♪

♪ Not before, not until ♪

♪ Not again ♪

♪ When it's love ♪

♪ There's a glow ♪

♪ That you've only suspected till then ♪

♪ There's no thrill that you feel ♪

♪ From a touch, from a glance, from a sigh ♪

♪ When it's love ♪

♪ And it's real ♪

♪ You will always know why ♪

[applauding]

[piano music]

♪ When it's love ♪

♪ You will know ♪

♪ Not before, not until, not again ♪

♪ When it's love... ♪

Ah, the acoustics in this theater are impossible.

That's all for today.

Mr. Rossi, you can't break now. What about the rest of the show?

I am quite satisfied with my performance throughout, Miss Weston.

But our duets?

Come to think of it, you are a bit off.

I suggest you stay and work on them.

[indistinct shouting]

Hiya, Penny.

- Costumes. - Hi, Penny.

- Props. - Hi, Penny.

Signs.

Say...

Do associate producers always do this kinda work?

Mr. Woods is really keepin' us jumpin', you know.

Yeah, we're learnin' the biz from the ground up.

Hey, what's going on around here?

Oh, nothing. Mr. Rossi just dismissed the company.

Great! Let's all have dinner.

Anybody know a good place to over-eat?

I'd love it, but Mr. Rossi seems to feel that my duets need much more rehearsal.

Well, you can't do that without a partner.

You suppose that I might double for the Great Rossi?

You'll probably spoil me.

Well...

So long, fellas.

- Oh? - Hmm!

Well, Porky, it looks like we should've been singers.

You know this one?

Well, I heard it a couple of times.

You know I haven't seen a rehearsal since?

Sometimes I think Mr. Woods is

keepin' me out of the theater on purpose.

- Why would he? - I don't know.

Look, Penny...

I know that you wouldn't have anything to do with anybody that's not okay.

But lately I've heard a lot of strange things about Joe Woods.

Now, listen here, Choirboy.

If the show is a hit,

he'll be a hero to everyone, no matter what he's done.

This is a very crazy business.

Yeah.

And you're very crazy about this crazy business, aren't you?

Hmm, you have to be a little bit, I guess.

Well, maybe someday I'll feel the same way about it.

But... I can only go crazy about one thing at a time.

And right now, when we're alone...

(male #1) Hit those spots for rehearsal.

- Uh-oh. - Mmm, but we're not alone.

(Penny) And you promised to rehearse with me, remember?

(Choirboy) So I did.

♪ My heart ♪

♪ Is a singing heart ♪

♪ And love is the theme of its song ♪

♪ The song didn't seem to start ♪

♪ Until that happy time ♪

♪ You came along ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ Was a pensive heart ♪

♪ The songs that it sang were so few ♪

♪ But now it just keeps singing ♪

♪ It sings the whole day through ♪

♪ And the song it keeps singing ♪

♪ Is you ♪

[instrumental music]

- ♪ My heart ♪ - ♪ Always yearning to sing ♪

- ♪ Was a pensive heart ♪ - ♪ It never knew spring ♪

♪ And the songs that it sang ♪

♪ Were so few ♪

♪ Till the day when you came in view ♪

♪ But now it just keeps singing ♪

♪ It sings the whole day through ♪

♪ And the song it keeps singing ♪

♪ Is you ♪

[piano music]

(male #1) Quiet on stage, Mr. Rossi's rehearsing.

Reginald! I've waited hours for this moment.

Uh..

Umm..

Uh..

"Good evening, my dear."

Oh, yes. Yes, yes. "Good evening, my dear."

Good evening, my dear.

Good evening, my dear.

Can't seem to remember that line, "Good evening, my dear."

Well, I have it now.

I shall try my entrance again.

- What's Porky doin' up there? - Prompting.

Prompting? In the middle of the stage?

Rossi insists on it.

That's the way they do it in the opera.

In the opera, they got the prompter

hidden from the audience in a silly little box.

If we build one for him, nobody'll see the show.

Reginald! I've waited hours for this moment.

Uh..

"Good evening, my dear."

That settles it.

When Rossi has trouble with a scene,

it is never Rossi, it is the scene!

(Rossi) Mr. Woods...

I demand you take this scene out of the show.

It is impossible!

The scene is not impossible. But his acting is.

Relax, Melvin, relax.

Mr. Rossi...

If you can't say, "Good evening, my dear",

say, "Good morning, my dear."

It's a short comedy scene. After that comes the number.

I also do not like the number.

Take it out!

Uh, Mr. Rossi...

I've been watching ya, and I think the whole trouble is

you're playing this whole thing too straight.

Indeed?

Well, perhaps you can show me how to do it.

Don't mind if I do, matey.

[instrumental music]

Pardon me.

Penny!

Yes?

Will you be my guest?

(Rossi) Set the stage!

[music continues]

♪ Love is the essence of ♪

♪ The very quintessence of ♪

♪ All that is pure ♪

♪ And divine ♪

Did you dig that line?

♪ You can wrack your brain ♪

♪ So she won't complain ♪

♪ You can do the very best you can ♪

♪ Show me a happy woman ♪

♪ And I'll show you a miserable man ♪

♪ You can buy her things ♪

♪ Things like diamond rings ♪

♪ Chauffeur her around in a sedan ♪

♪ Show me a happy woman ♪

♪ And I'll show you a miserable man ♪

♪ That's the way it is ♪

♪ Although-though-though that's the way that it is ♪

♪ All the merchandise is hers ♪

♪ But the bills are his ♪

♪ A thing like this can kill you, just believe me, pal ♪

♪ Any gal's a gal ♪

♪ Oh, we're the same from here to Hindustan ♪

♪ Show me a happy woman ♪

♪ And I'll show you a miserable man ♪

[music continues]

- ♪ They'll break your heart ♪ - ♪ But it's a lot of fun ♪

♪ You're dead before you start ♪

Poison, anyone?

♪ A thing like this can kill us all, believe me, pal ♪

♪ Any gal's a gal ♪

♪ Oh, we're the same from here to Hindustan ♪

♪ Show me a happy woman ♪

♪ And I'll show you a miserable man ♪

♪ All fallin' away to nothin' ♪

♪ My miserable ♪

Man?

♪ Man ♪

[audience applauding]

There, you see?

If the number is good for an amateur, how could it be good for Rossi?

Take it out.

(Rossi) Take it out!

Gee, Penny, I'm sorry.

I didn't want him to take out another one of your numbers.

Thanks, Porky.

At least he can't take out any more,

it's our last rehearsal before we open in Boston.

[instrumental music]

[piano music]

♪ Lately I just felt

♪ Lately just like in a trance

♪ He's got bored of life

♪ Bored of life all the time ♪

♪ And they tickled him so he can't ♪

[indistinct shouting]

[crowd applauding]

Come on, Melvin, join the fun.

A couple hours from now,

the entire audience'll be on its feet, yelling "Author! Author!"

That's what I've been worrying about.

Depends on how they yell it.

I hear these Boston audiences are tough.

Melvin... it's gonna be a big hit.

It's gonna be a big hit.

Frankly, when Joe first thought of starring you in the musical,

- I said he was a jerk. - Genius.

And tonight the whole world will agree with you.

When that curtain goes up an hour from now,

the name of Emilio Rossi will go down in history with the Boston Tea Party.

Didn't that start a war?

- Well, I... - Not a word.

I want you to save every one of those bell-like tones

for the performance.

- Man, this is livin'. - Hey, where's Choirboy?

Here. Wash it down with this.

- Hiya, Mr. Woods. - Hey, hey, hey, get a load of you!

Well, I... I thought it was customary.

- How do I look? - Just like a producer.

You got an instinct for this business. It's uncanny.

Aren't you gonna get dressed?

No, I'm lettin' you take the bows tonight.

But don't take too many.

Right after the show, we're gonna have a conference.

Oh? What for?

After an out of town opening, there's always conferences.

It figures. You know, changes.

Maybe a line, or a piece of business.

You mean you might let me make a couple of suggestions?

Sure.

I want you to take a pencil and a piece of paper to the theater,

and write down everything you don't like.

May I come in?

- Hiya, Penny. - Come in, come in!

This is a big night for you kids, you oughta have a moment alone.

Thanks a lot. We'll see you later, Mr. Woods.

- Well... how do I look? - Ah, you look wonderful.

I had to wish you luck before I went to the theater.

After all, it's your very first show.

Shucks. You're all the luck I need.

Choirboy...

Sometimes shows don't turn out the way you expect them to.

Well, I know that.

But I'm gonna make notes for the conference.

Don't you think it's a little late for making notes?

Well, you know, a line here or there, maybe some extra business.

We producers always have a conference after an out-of-town opening.

It, uh... it figures.

I hate to think of the show being anything but a great success.

With you in it, it can't miss.

But suppose it does.

Hey... I think you have a case of opening night jitters.

I heard all about that. It's good for actors.

Keeps 'em on their toes.

Hey, Penny, come on, don't be downhearted.

Cheer up. We've got a hit on our hands.

I hope so.

Not now, huh?

Why not?

It's bad luck to kiss on opening night.

Kissing you couldn't be anybody's bad luck.

But you might not feel the same about me after the show.

You might hate me.

Hate you?

Do you mind if I break an old show business tradition?

Hey, Choirboy, you can't keep the leading lady here all night.

Come on, let's go.

Well, this is it.

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

♪ It's gonna be a big hit, it's gonna be a big hit ♪

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Get down from there!

What do you think you're doin'?

- Why didn't you let me jump? - Don't be silly, look at us.

We've each got over a thousand dollars of our own money in it.

After you, gentlemen.

Thanks, but no thanks.

- They didn't like it, did they? - They hated it!

You know, Twitch, when I saw him do little bits of the show in rehearsal,

I thought it was kinda weak.

- But seeing 'em put it all together... - Yeah?

...it really stinks, don't it?

Yeah.

[door opens]

Penny, you were just great tonight.

Thanks.

- Too bad the show wasn't. - Where's Choirboy?

Last time I saw him,

he was standing in the lobby asking people not to leave.

- That was after the first act. - Oh, gosh.

I'm really worried about him. He might do something crazy.

The guy who put $50,000 in this show, do something crazy?

Perish the thought!

I tell you, the show is okay.

So Rossi got a little stage fright, the audience scared him.

Tomorrow we should be great. There won't be anybody in the theater.

Never mind the wisecracks! I know the show didn't get anything.

Oh, yes, it did.

In the Bronx, you'd have heard it, but in Boston, it's silent.

Well, maybe the audience was moved.

Nobody applauded Lincoln at Gettysburg.

Could be. All the show needs is a few little changes.

Yeah, look, I got a little routine about a chief petty officer, see...

and he walks up to me and says, "Are you nautical?"

I said, "Sir, I do have my moments."

[door closes]

- Hello, Mr. Woods. - Hello, sweetheart.

Oh, cheer up, a few little changes, and we got the whole...

What's all this? A new script?

Notes... on what I didn't like.

Oh, pay no attention to the audience reaction,

it's the critics that count.

I got a boy pickin' up the early editions, and we'll see.

But Mr. Woods, I didn't like it.

It didn't even make sense, none of it.

[Rossi groaning]

Now what?

Oh...

Oh, no, no, no! How did you do that?

Oh, my leg.

I broke in the dressing room right after the show.

What rotten timing.

Oh, come on, let's get him to a chair.

Mr. Woods, what about the Navy scenes?

You know, I'm beginnin' to see why you kept us away from rehearsals.

Oh, never mind the Navy scenes, can't you see my star just broke his leg?

Mr. Rossi, don't worry about a thing.

I'll have Webster rewrite,

and you'll do all your scenes from a wheelchair.

It'll be a new twist.

[buzzer buzzing]

Oh, the reviews.

[Rossi groaning]

Sorry. I'm sorry. Put that away, will you?

- Papers, ma'am. - Thanks.

Hey, boy.

- No, thanks, I've read 'em. - Oh, another critic.

- Mr. Rossi. - Well?

Here's something that will interest you.

"The audience forgave Emilio Rossi for forgetting his lines,"

"but not for remembering them."

What?

I knew you were fakin' with that foot!

Well, kick him, honey, and make it for real.

Well!

I'm not going back in this show.

You can't fix it, and you know it.

Besides, I've got a reputation to protect.

- You also got a contract. - Sue me.

We built the whole show around you!

You can rebuild it around her!

That's what she wanted all the time, anyway.

What do you mean by that?

Why do you suppose she played up to you fellas?

With a star of my stature in the show,

she would have been a nobody, unless she had influence.

You don't believe him, do you?

I don't know what to believe.

Everybody in this business seems to be for himself.

Are you nuts?

Penny was good in the show, she doesn't need any favors.

You saw that.

Yeah, but... She got us into this, didn't she?

No!

Well... she said he was okay when all the time she knew he was lying.

Me? Lie?

I didn't know we'd fail. I'm sorry.

Fail? Who said we failed?

Just the audience and critics.

I'll have the whole show fixed up before we open in New York.

It's no good, Mr. Woods.

Look, Twitch, I'm goin' back to the ship and telling the fellas the truth.

At least I can spare them another week of false hope.

I wish somebody had spared me.

[melancholic music]

I don't get it.

I've seen this guy under fire with all the odds against him,

and he's never quit.

That was war. This is show business.

Much tougher.

Ah, we got no time for postmortems.

Other shows have been in spots like this before,

and they came out to be big hits.

All we need now is cool heads.

We'll close down here, go back to New York,

write out Rossi, build up Penny, get a director,

we can do an awful lot in a week or two.

Don't be discouraged.

I tell you, "USS Texas" is still gonna be a big hit.

Hello, Joe. How do you like this?

- Is this what you wanted? - Oh, yeah, that's fine.

Now paint in the reviews, and stick it in front of the theater.

These Boston reviews?

Kramer, you've done this work for me before,

there's always somethin' you can use.

Here: "Outstanding flop."

"Outstanding."

"Doubtless, the play was overpowering."

"Overpowering."

"Masterpiece of incompetence."

"Masterpiece."

Okay, if that's what you want.

Yeah, that's what I want. And by the way...

Don't paint the title in yet, I'm lining up some new backers.

- I gotcha. - Good.

Thank you, Kramer.

The answer is no, I haven't seen or heard from your buddy.

And why aren't you at the theater?

The place is a madhouse ever since the author walked out.

Nobody's in charge.

That's the worst show I've seen since Boston.

There's people that can fix it.

Only word's out that we're in trouble,

and they want more cash in advance than I got.

That's why we came, Mr. Woods,

we think Choirboy is right about the show being hopeless.

What we want you to do is return whatever money is left.

What about the people who gave their time and their talents?

The least they're entitled to is an opening.

Not the kind they're gonna get.

[phone ringing]

Oh, that must be the money man now.

Hello.

Hello, speaking.

Oh.

He went to Bermuda, huh?

Funny how far away they can get when they know you're after money.

[slow music]

Hey, son.

You better get yourself straightened out before you report.

Skipper's aboard.

Yeah.

You, uh...

You sure got the ol' tub shinin' again.

Ain't nothin' so full of holes it can't be patched up.

Man, beast, ship or what have you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[music continues]

Hey, Choirboy!

Hey, fellas, Choirboy is back! Come on above!

[men talking indistinctly]

Hey, when does the show open?

Look... what did we net in Boston?

Oh, Boston? Oh, good, good, Hank.

Everything is... great, fellas. It's gonna be just great.

We open on Broadway in a week.

Hey, you look like you've been workin' hard!

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I'm... I'm due at the theater right now.

I...

I just thought I'd come down and tell you guys that it's...

...it's gonna be okay.

- I gotta get back. - Oh, wait a minute..

[men talking indistinctly]

Well, have him call me back, it's important.

Please, those long faces, they cramp my style.

If you wanna be miserable, please leave.

[phone ringing]

Hello. Hello, Tom... Tom, listen.

I'm in a spot,

I wanna sell you half interest of my show.

- I'm in a spot. - Oh, you're in a spot.

- I need 25 grand. - You need 25 grand...

I need 25 grand.

But, Tom, I got a great show...

Oh, yeah. You got a great show.

- ...Gary Cooper... - Gary Cooper?

Gary Cooper in a musical?

Tom, you're a genius! You'll clean up!

- Uh, uh, Tom... - If I had the money, I...

Tom, yeah, it's...

Tom, if I had the money, I'd put it in your show.

But if I had the money, why would I call you in the first place?

Alright, you called me!

How do you like that?

He's got Gary Cooper, I had to get stuck with Emilio Rossi.

I'll try Henderson.

Hey, Choirboy! Where you been? We've been lookin' all over for you.

- Boy, are we glad to see you! - Fellas. Miss Weston.

Mr. Woods...

I'm takin' over the show.

I told you he was no quitter.

I'm gonna pull this show through,

for my shipmates and for no other reason.

(Woods) Wait a minute, I'm the producer.

And I don't want you to needle Penny. She's the star now.

It's alright, Mr. Woods.

I can take care of myself.

You had your chance as producer and failed, Mr. Woods.

And now I'm askin' you to step out.

And I'm tellin' ya to get your own show if you wanna play producer.

- Well, I want this one! - Well, you can't have it.

I own 51 percent of this show,

and 'til you buy me out, you're just another silent partner.

Okay... how much do you want?

- Yeah, how much? - Yeah, how much?

(Choirboy) What'll you take for your 51 percent?

Choirboy, don't be a fool.

Don't worry, Miss Weston.

This time I know what I'm doing.

- Are you serious? - How much?

Costumes, scenery, the whole works.

Well... it's hard to say.

It's a very valuable piece of property.

- Another fifty thousand... - I'll give you twenty-five thousand.

Dollars?

Twenty-five thousand dollars.

I'll take it.

I'll have my lawyer draw up the papers,

and you be here first thing in the morning with the dough.

- I'll be here. - Sweetheart, it's your baby.

Gary Cooper in a musical... I'm a genius!

I know you don't trust me, but... you can't do a crazy thing like this.

- This show's a mess! - Well, I'll straighten it out.

All I want from you is a good performance.

I'll do my best, Mr. Jones...

...if you're quite sure you still want me in the show.

'Course, I want you, you're wonderful.

But in this business, we mustn't let personal feelings influence us.

Look, 'Boy, I just wanna know one thing.

Where did you get the twenty-five thousand dollars?

As a matter of fact, I haven't got it.

I haven't got a dime.

You what?

But don't worry, I'll dig it up someplace.

How? We can't even buy a shovel.

Oh, but he'll... he'll dig it up.

He'll dig it up.

[band music]

[music continues]

Say, that's the Marine outfit that was in the paper this morning.

Cut off behind enemy lines for three months.

Now you're getting the idea.

Back home, and loaded with back pay!

Ah-ha, the good ol' Marines!

I tell you, fellas, it gives a man pause.

Well, looks like the Navy and Marines are partners again.

Yeah, the Marines are always yelling about rescuing the Navy.

- Now's their big chance. - You're so right.

- You're not really going to do it... - Yes, I am.

Well, count me out.

You're in, Penny.

I'm the producer now, just like Mr. Woods.

You charmed us into backing the show,

now you're gonna do the same thing, to the Marines.

Come on, fellas, let's go.

(both) Here we go again.

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, or I'll scream ♪

[screaming]

♪ You better pucker up and kiss me or I'll... ♪

♪ ...blow my top ♪

♪ What's with all the conversation ♪

♪ 'Bout the national debt ♪

♪ I could get more oscillation ♪

♪ From an old Civil War bet ♪

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, or I'll scream ♪

[screaming]

♪ You better put your arms around me or I'll... ♪

♪ ...call a cop ♪

♪ You're making an absolute nightmare ♪

♪ Of a perfectly wonderful dream ♪

♪ You better kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me ♪

♪ Or I'll scream ♪

[screaming]

[crowd whistling]

- Well, what do you think? - Count me in.

I'll take part of that.

It's good enough for you, it's good enough for us.

- Hey, don't forget me. - Yeah, this is the life.

[crowd cheering]

Target on radar scope.

Bearing 170.

Trajectory angle, 9-5 on 4 megacycle.

Boys, commence firing pennant. Change course to 0-0-1.

Pressure point 9-2-6 over 18 on neutron rebound.

Aye, aye, sir. Up-take 42 on neutron rebound.

Don't you think this dialogue is a little too...

...technical for people to understand?

Well, I understand it.

Yeah, but you wrote it.

Now, look, fellas,

don't worry about a thing, it's gonna be great.

Okay, everybody, five minutes' recess,

and we'll come back and rehearse my new finale.

- Hey, how'd that sound to you? - Just like Choirboy...

...dough!

All I can say is, it better be great opening night.

- I'm worried. - I know what you mean.

I think Choirboy's taken on a job a little bit too big for himself.

Those Marines aren't gonna like it if the show flops with their money in it.

Yeah, look how annoyed they were in Guadalcanal,

and when they didn't have dime in it.

Yeah...

Choirboy has a lotta nerve, but...

It takes more than nerve to get a good show together.

What we need is a good director and playwright.

And a good songwriter.

Oh, those songs Choirboy's written...

You need a slide rule to understand 'em!

Something's gotta be done.

You got any ideas?

Yeah.

- But I'll need your help. - Anytime!

Wait'll I change.

[symphonic music]

Oh, Mr. Abbott, they told me I'd find you here.

- They did? - Yes, I just adored the show!

And all the other wonderful shows you've directed.

Thank you. There something I can do for you?

Oh, I'm so glad you asked me.

I just happen to be with a show that needs some work.

Mine takes up so much of my time, I...

...don't think I'd be interested in working on any other show.

- At any price. - But we weren't going to pay you.

Well... of course, that puts a different light on the matter.

In that case, I'm definitely not interested.

But it's for the United States Navy!

- United States Navy? - Yes.

These are just two of the backers.

The rest are their shipmates, and a heroic Marine outfit.

I knew you could get hurt backing shows,

but I never ran into anything like this before.

Oh, Mr. Abbott... your navy didn't let you down.

Are you going to let it down?

Well... since you put it that way...

...let's have a look at this show of yours.

[band music]

I know you're a very busy man, Mr. Hart, but we really need you.

And a little rewriting would do wonders.

I'm very sorry, Miss Weston.

Good heavens! Who are they?

Our backers, Mr. Hart.

Your Navy.

♪ Embrace me ♪

♪ My sweet embraceable you ♪

♪ Embrace me ♪

♪ You irreplaceable you ♪

♪ Just one look at you... ♪

Oh!

Mr. Ira Gershwin!

Oh, I just have to sing one of your lyrics every morning!

Well, thank you.

But must it be on my piano, and in my apartment?

I am sorry.

But my producers insisted on meeting you personally.

Boys...

...Mr. Ira Gershwin.

♪ But now it keeps on singing ♪

♪ Oh, it sings the whole day through ♪

♪ And the song ♪

♪ It keeps singing ♪

♪ Is you ♪

Okay, okay, that's pretty good.

Pretty good, kids, I'll see you all first thing in the morning.

Well, gentlemen...

That's it.

- Can it be saved? - Well, it'll be a miracle.

Like the way you recovered.

We had an army doctor.

You, uh...

...haven't said anything about how you think it's going.

Uh... the show, I mean.

Wouldn't that be presumptuous?

You might remind me that I only work here.

Now, look, Penny, maybe I carried this "strictly professional" stuff

a little too far, but...

After all, we're working together...

...as friends, aren't we?

Friends in show business?

You're not getting sentimental?

The fellow who said we mustn't let personal feelings influence us?

Hey, Choirboy?

Some men to see you out front.

- Well, who are they? - Big shots from show business.

Come on down and say hello.

Oh, look, Twitch, I'm busy. What do they want?

Oh, it's an old Broadway custom.

They heard there was trouble, and they came to help out.

This isn't really as heartless a business as you thought.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

- Hi, how are you? - Hello.

Well...

What did you think of the show?

- Provocative. - Unusual.

Amazing.

We've heard a lot about your subs' war experiences.

I'd like to have seen some of that material in the show.

You're better off writing about first-hand experiences, you know.

But we're dealing with a musical here.

Set the scene on a submarine, and there'd be no girls.

What's a musical without girls?

What's anything without girls?

Well, the only girls in the submarine, gentlemen, are in the men's dreams.

And even that's against regulations.

A dream sequence on a submarine...

Hmm... I might be able to get a sketch outta that.

I've got a pen that writes underwater.

A sailor's dream, eh?

Well... it has possibilities, musically.

Y'know, according to what I've seen, these boys are good performers.

It's an exploitation angle.

Acted, sung, and danced by the men who lived it.

We might get a hit yet.

Yeah, thanks to you.

You're a real doll for rescuing Choirboy after the way he acted.

I didn't do it for him.

I'm in the show, too, you know.

Yeah, sure.

[symphonic music]

Coleman, drama critic for the Daily Mirror.

Deploy!

Richard Watts Jr., Post. McClain, Journal-American.

Deploy!

Walter Kerr, drama critic for the Herald Tribune.

Deploy!

- You fellas ushering? - Nah, we're producing.

- We hope you like the show. - I do too, for your sake.

We do too, for your sake.

[symphonic music]

[music continues]

♪ Hear this, now hear this

♪ We're gonna put a Navy show on ♪

♪ Hear this, now hear this

♪ The show is just about to go on ♪

[band music]

♪ Here comes the Navy ♪

♪ With a-bacon and a-gravy ♪

♪ Here comes the Navy now ♪

[band music]

[audience laughing]

You've all heard of Frank Sinatra the voice,

you've seen Jimmy Durante the nose,

you are now looking at the lump.

I'm very proud to be in the Navy, because my old man was a sailor.

I'll never forget the day my mother said to me:

"There goes your father up the river again."

[audience laughing]

Now, about our little show.

It tells a very beautiful story

about a boy who is in the submarine command,

and is thrown out because he likes to sleep with the windows open.

[audience laughing]

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

we're all gonna work very hard for you tonight,

because we're feelin' great.

And there is absolutely no truth to the rumor

that the Navy's been feeding us penguin meat.

[band music]

[audience clapping]

♪ Home is where the heart is

♪ Wherever you may roam

♪ If you're where your heart is ♪

♪ Close your eyes and you'll be home ♪

♪ Each night when you're dreaming ♪

♪ My prayers will cross the sea ♪

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ And you are in the heart of me ♪

- ♪ You'll find me there ♪ - ♪ You'll find me there ♪

- ♪ No matter where ♪ - ♪ No matter where ♪

- ♪ Just look for me at Reveille ♪ - ♪ At Reveille ♪

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ Wherever you may roam ♪

♪ If you are where you heart is ♪

♪ Close your eyes and you'll be home ♪

[symphonic music]

♪ If the dream that you dream is prolific ♪

♪ What's the diff if you're in the Pacific ♪

♪ Bet you, Jack, you feel you're back in the good old United States ♪

♪ And then again let us suppose ♪

♪ They've put you with the Eskimos ♪

♪ Cold or hot, you're on the spot ♪

♪ So don't go askin' for igloo rates ♪

♪ If they want, they can send to you Siam ♪

♪ Though you're feeling as lonely as I am ♪

♪ Here's the laugh, a photograph makes you think ♪

♪ It's your own hometown ♪

♪ When any Mexicali babe ♪

♪ Turns out to be a pally babe ♪

♪ Memories fly, and by and by ♪

♪ She's standin' there when you turn around ♪

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ Wherever you may roam ♪

♪ If you are where you heart is ♪

♪ Close your eyes and you'll be home ♪

[tap music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ Wherever you may roam ♪

♪ If you are where you heart is ♪

♪ Close your eyes and you'll be home ♪

♪ Home is where the heart is ♪

♪ So close your eyes ♪

♪ And you'll be home ♪

[crowd cheering]

Sure... sure...

'Course I realize you're a Navy man! But the show's all sold out for weeks.

Hi, you kids.

Tell you what, I'll set aside a house ticket for ya.

My own personal seat. Okay?

Okay, sweetheart. See ya.

- "Sweetheart"? - Who you talking to?

The Admiral.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

You know, you're still in the Navy, mate.

That's right.

What about our numbers when you have to go back?

Hey...

Did you kids read the reviews? Listen...

"It didn't require a company of Marines"

"to make me love 'Three Sailors and a Girl.'"

"It's a great show all on its own."

"I'm told the genius..."

"...is a lad called Choirboy,"

"whose talents are being wasted in the Navy."

"Abbott, Hart, and Gershwin combined"

"couldn't put together a show like this one."

"And Choirboy did it single-handed,"

"and sang a first-rate baritone 'deboot.'"

Hey... who are Abbott, Hart, and Gershwin?

Oh... have you forgotten their names already?

Abbott, Hart, and Gershwin combined did put the show together.

And you can thank Penny for getting 'em.

Wait a minute...

Are you tryin' to tell me I had nothing to do with makin' this show a big hit?

Oh, you had a lot to do with it.

You put the show on and you sang the male lead.

Which is pretty good for a starter.

Yeah...

And don't you forget it.

How can we? You'll never let us.

Look, sonny boy, when you come down out of those clouds, look us up.

We'll be underwater. Coming, Penny?

I'd like to talk to Penny.

I still work for him, you know.

I wish that were the only reason.

- Come on, Porky. - Okay.

Now, what did Twitch mean by that?

He thinks I stayed because I wanted to.

And not because the boss ordered me to.

You know something?

I think he's right.

You're wrong.

A very important producer once told me:

"Never let personal feelings get in way in this business."

Look, Penny, I'm sorry I said that.

But you're right about my bein' an important producer.

Boy, I'm goin' places in this business.

And what about the Navy?

Well, maybe they'll agree with that critic

who said my talents are being wasted.

Look, Penny...

I'm gonna be meeting a lot of important people from now on...

- ...and I thought that maybe... - Mr. Jones?

Sorry to barge in on you like this, but it's most important.

Well, uh...

Did you have an appointment?

I am A.J. Patterson,

of the law firm of Patterson, Kimball, Ackroyd, and Stacey.

Well, I'm afraid we don't need any lawsuits.

You've got one.

Mr. Jones, I must warn you not to touch one penny

of the box office proceeds of this show.

My clients are attaching it.

- What? - What's this all about?

I represent investors who bought into this show before you folks.

Mr. Woods sold more than a hundred percent, I'm afraid.

Oh, but he couldn't do that!

- Or could he? - He did.

Young man, I'm afraid it is not your show.

However... in order to avoid litigation,

my clients are willing to repay you your original investment...

...in return for a signed release.

- Signed... release? - Yes, sir.

Guess I don't know as much about this business as I thought I did.

Well,

If you've learned that, you've learned a lot.

Yeah, but the fellas, they think they're rich!

Sign right there, sir.

Wait here, we'll be right with you.

Now, don't go away.

Wait, don't sign it! Don't sign anything!

Mr. Patterson, would you wait out in the hall

for just a moment, please?

I'm sure we can straighten this whole thing out.

But I assure you...

And if we don't have it cleared up in five minutes, we'll sign.

(Patterson) But I...

- Penny, wh... what are you doing? - Joe Woods is the outer office.

- Why, I'll strangle him! - Oh, no, you don't.

He is here for just one reason:

The show's a smash, he sold it short, and now he'll wanna make a deal.

Oh, no, no more deals with Mr. Joe Woods.

Oh, but suppose we sell it back to him.

How can we? It wouldn't be honest.

Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

I really thought this business had changed you.

But you're still the same sweet guy.

I'm the one that's changed! I'll sell it back to him!

Come on in, Joe!

Hello, Penny.

Choirboy.

Thought I'd drop in and congratulate you kids...

Oh, no, you didn't,

you came to make us an offer just like everyone else.

- You've had offers? - All morning long. Haven't we, dear?

Well, to be perfectly honest...

Well, of course you're perfectly honest!

Joe knows that.

Don't you, Joe?

Oh, sure, sure, sure.

But who's been makin' those other offers?

Oh, Mr. Patterson, for one.

He's a big time operator from New Jersey.

Owns a whole city.

Patterson, New Jersey.

Patterson?

Now, look, Penny, I really don't think...

Nonsense, Choirboy! We're not committed to Mr. Patterson.

We still have the right to accept an offer from Joe.

If it's a fair one.

Well, it just so happens that some of the boys formed a small syndicate,

put up a modest sum, and empowered me to make you an offer.

- But we can't accept it! - Let's not be hasty, darling!

There're lots of tricks to making a profit.

- Even with a hit show. - Oh, yeah, lots of angles.

That's right, like replacing you in the show

when you have to report back to the Navy.

You are prepared to make a cash offer?

My backers have provided me with a certified check.

- How much would you take? - How much is the check for?

- I asked you first. - Oh, now quit stalling.

Joe, give us your best offer, or we deal with Patterson.

- No bargaining? - No bargaining.

Any producer who knows the ropes can make a million outta this show.

Well, what can I do? I'm trapped.

It's for two hundred thousand.

Two hundred thousand? We'll take it.

Now, wait a minute. I can't let you do this, Mr. Woods.

There's something you really oughta know.

Oh, but there's nothing Joe doesn't know about this business!

- Come on, and let him endorse the check. - But there's trouble.

There's always trouble, isn't there, Joe?

You said it.

Payment in full for all rights in the production of "Three Sailors and a Girl"...

Congratulations, sweetheart. It's your baby now.

Come on, let's go.

Listen, what about Mr. Patterson?

Come on, Mr. Woods'll take care of Mr. Patterson.

Oh... two hundred thousand!

Listen, Penny...

Give me that check.

Choirboy, this might not be right by Navy standards,

but this is show business.

Look, I'd like to strangle Joe Woods myself,

but I can't do this to him, and I can't let you do it.

Believe me, I love to hear you say that, but...

Joe Woods can take care of himself.

Penny...

Give me that check.

- Now, don't gimme no routines. - Believe me, Mr. Woods...

Everybody in show business knows you.

If you're not touting some phony plagiarism suit,

you're workin' this "150 percent" dodge.

Now, there's plenty in this show to pay off all the investors.

I'm delighted to hear that.

- Perhaps a settlement... - Of what?

You got no clients.

You were tryin' to get that kid's signature on a release,

and then find clients.

You're lucky I don't have you arrested!

Arrested?

It just so happens you've been tryin' to pull a racket on the United States Navy,

to say nothing of the Marine Corps.

- That's a federal rap. - A federal rap?

Look... they're comin' to pick you up.

Oh, no!

See?

Oh... how are you, fellas?

Go right ahead, buddy, we're just hangin' around until midnight.

What happens at midnight?

At midnight, if you're not on your ship, you're A.W.O.L.

Oh.

Well, I have a show to do tonight. But don't worry, I'll be there.

Pardon me.

[symphonic music]

♪ Lately I just roll lately ♪

♪ Just like in a trance ♪

♪ I got butterflies, butterflies, all of the time ♪

♪ And the feeling I feel is mighty close to sublime ♪

♪ Lately I don't walk lately ♪

♪ Lately I just dance ♪

♪ I got butterflies, butterflies, all of the while ♪

♪ And particularly so I constantly wear a smile ♪

♪ Yesterday the sun couldn't get... ♪

- Pardon me, Mr. Woods? - Yeah?

Uh...

I'm with the Marine outfit that's backing the show and I...

I hear the Navy is taking your leading man tonight.

Well, don't worry about it, I'll get another.

I know.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about, sir.

You see, I...

I... I was wondering if maybe you could...

What I mean to say is...

You see, I... I used to be with the circus once,

and... and friends of mine think that I have a great deal of...

Well, I don't mean to sound conceited, but I was...

Sorry, son.

I know talent the minute it taps me on the shoulder.

You just ain't got it, kid.

Gosh, Joe... Weren't you a little rough on that boy?

I thought he had something.

Kindest thing I ever did for him. Never get anywhere in this business.

Looks too much like Burt Lancaster.

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ They say we're in love ♪

♪ Love is here ♪

♪ To stay ♪

[audience applauding]

[symphonic music]