Original subtitles

[whirring]

[yelling]

[♪ The Buchanan Brothers: When You See Those Flying Saucers]

♪ You'd better pray to the Lord ♪

♪ When you see those flying saucers ♪

♪ It may be the coming of the Judgment Day ♪

[beeping]

Hey, Jerry, you might wanna check this one out.

Palomar just picked it up.

Looks like some type of UFO, and it's heading this way.

How many times do I have to tell you? UFOs don't exist.

- We're never gonna see... - [beeping]

Wow, its energy signature is massive.

Holy Cheez-Its! What do we do?!

No one told us! I took this job because you never have to do anything!

Jerry, stop it. Let me calculate its impact point.

Looks like...

...Modesto, California.

Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one!

Code Nimoy! I repeat, Code Nimoy!

[heavy breathing]

[wheezing]

[gurgling]

[door creaking]

[screaming]

[wheezing]

What are you guys doing here? It's 5:00 in the morning.

Hurry, turn on the TV! Turn it on now!

...and some early morning fog, giving way to sunny skies.

Seventy-five degrees. A perfect day to stop by

the old folk art and craft show down at the fairgrounds...

...or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

I love you, baby.

- I love you, too. - Aww!

- Aww! - And good morning, Modesto!

[man] Channel 172.

[♪ The Exciters: Tell Him]

♪ I know something about love ♪

♪ Gotta want it bad ♪

♪ If that guy's Got into your blood ♪

You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

Thanks, Mom.

♪ The very part of you ♪

♪ That makes you want to breathe ♪

Ah! My little girl!

- Daddy! - Now, I want you to know that,

even though I'm about to give you away...

[sniffling] ...I will always be here to take care of you.

Don't cry because then you'll make me cry, and that'll be a mess.

[sobbing] I can't help it!

Hello, everyone! Attention, attention!

Wedding starts in 30 minutes!

- My beautiful daughter-in-law! - Hi, Mama Dietl.

It's like a fairy tale.

The Weatherman and the Weatherman's Wife.

[sighing] Romantic.

[sighing] I know. Just think, this time tomorrow, I'm gonna be in Paris!

And someday, we won't just be honeymooning there.

Derek will become an anchor or a foreign correspondent.

And we'll travel all over the world.

Honey, my fingers are crossed.

One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.

- Derek doesn't have that. - It skips a generation.

Your kids are gonna have it! [cackling]

[sighing]

- Wow, you look beautiful. - [sighing]

So do you. I mean, handsome.

I mean... Sorry. I'm just a little frazzled.

I just spent way too much time with our parents.

Don't worry, OK? We'll be alone soon, just us.

Hm... Eating cheese and baguettes by the Seine,

feeding each other chocolate crepes. [sighing]

Um...

- Is something wrong? - No, no!

It's just that, well... [sighing]

There's been a slight change of plans.

We're not going to Paris.

- What? Why not? - Because we're going somewhere better.

- Better than Paris? - Oh, yeah.

Where? Tahiti?!

Nope! Fresno!

Fresno!

Fresno.

In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek?

In the "I've got an audition

to become Channel 23's new evening anchor" universe.

Got the call from the general manager, he wants me to come in immediately!

- Isn't that great? - Derek!

That's...

...amazing! It's amazing.

Fresno's a top 50 market, isn't it?

It's 55th, but we're on our way, babe!

[sighing] Now, look. About Paris...

Oh, it's OK. It's fine! As long as we're together,

Fresno is the most romantic city in the whole world.

- I'm so proud of you. - Of us! Not just of me.

I mean, of course, but we're a team now. You're so proud of us.

Now get out of here. It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

Oh, come on. You know I don't believe in that stuff.

I'll be waiting for you at the altar...

...the handsome news anchor in the tux.

[chuckling] Love you! There, I said it.

I love you too.

- [rumbling] - [gasps]

[gasping]

[panting]

[grunting]

Susan!

[sighing] Where could she be?

Susan! Where are you?

- [gasps] - [gasping, moaning]

Susan! Where have you been?!

I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

Oh, Susan. Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

My goodness, look at you. You're filthy.

- Thank God I have Wet Ones. - [engine rumbling, stopping]

[grunting, panting]

[playing Here Comes the Bride]

[indistinct whispering]

Wow.

You're glowing.

Thank you.

No. No, Susan, you're, like, really glowing. You're green!

[gasping]

Oh, no! [groaning]

Derek!

[grunting]

Oh, my gosh!

What's going on?!

- What's happening?! - You're all shrinking!

Huh-uh! You're growing!

- Well, make it stop! - Get me the government!

Oh!

- This is impossible! - [screaming]

No, this can't be happening.

[screaming]

Wait, wait. Everybody, it's OK!

Have some champagne while we're figuring this out!

Thumbs! Thumbs!

Derek! Help me! Ahhh!

Sweet Lord! [grunts]

Here comes the bride!

Oh, Carl! It's her wedding day! [grunting]

- Derek? Derek? - [man] All non-military personnel, clear the area.

Beam hurt Derek.

- Susan? - Thank goodness you're OK! What's happening to me?

Don't panic! Don't worry! Whatever you do, don't drop...

[yelling]

- Derek! - Sorry, sir.

Who are you people? What are you doing?

- [grunting] - Stop it! Be careful!

Get your hands off me! Don't you know who I am?

Please, just leave me alone! [screaming] Ow!

[gasping]

[screaming]

[man] She's coming down!

- [man] Watch out! - [grunting]

Move it, move it! Let's go! Move it, move it!

- [grunting, gasping] - Pull, pull!

Derek?

[man on radio] All right, let's get this baby on the bus.

- [beeping] - [Susan gasps]

[Susan] Honey, could you hit the snooze?

[groaning] Baby, why did you set the alarm? We're on our honeymoon.

[grunting]

Hello?

- What's going on? - [whirring]

[rumbling, thumping]

- [gasping] - [whirring]

[shouts]

[beeping stops]

- [gasps] - [thud]

[rumbling]

[gasping]

Hello?

[gasping]

[male] Is it just legs? Did they capture a giant pair of legs?

[male 2] Silence, B.O.B.! She'll hear us!

- [B.O.B.] How? Legs don't have ears. - [male 2] Just shush!

Hello?

Is there someone there?

- Could you tell me where I am? - [whirring]

[gasping] Hello? What was that?

[gasps]

- Hello. - Ew!

Will you stop...?! Careful!

Please, madam!

Stop! Doing! That!

Whatever mad scientist made you,

he really went all out.

You can talk. [gasping]

- Hi there! - Ugh!

Ah! My back!

Just kidding! I don't have a back!

Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

Turns out you don't need one. Totally overrated!

As a matter of fact, I don't even... [gasping]

[choking] Oh! I forgot how to breathe! Don't know how to breathe!

Help me, Dr. Cockroach! Help! Help!

- Suck in, B.O.B. - [inhaling]

[sighing] Thanks, Doc. You're a lifesaver.

- [Susan gasps] - Wow, look at you. I know what you're thinking.

First day in prison, you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard.

Well, I'd like to see you try. [grunting]

[grunting] Ninja!

- [cracking] - Ow!

Ah! Gosh.

- Look, she's speechless. - She?

Yes, B.O.B.! We are in the presence of the rare female monster.

No way! It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

We need to have a talk.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making

a very good first impression.

At least I'm talking. First new monster in years,

we couldn't get a wolf man or a mummy?

Just somebody to play cards with.

[sighing, clearing throat]

Might we ask your name, madam?

Susan.

No, we mean your monster name.

Like, what do people scream when they see you coming?

You know, like, "Look out! Here comes...!"

Susan.

Really?

Suuusaaan!

Ooh, I just scared myself. That is scary.

- [alarm sounding] - Yes! Eat times.

[electronic whirring, beeping]

That is repulsive!

Oh! An old slipper!

[grunting]

[fizzing, bubbling]

Please, God, please tell me this isn't real.

Please tell me I had a nervous breakdown at the wedding,

and now I'm in a mental hospital on medication that's giving me hallucinations.

[grumbling, growling]

- [roaring] - [screaming]

Don't scare Insectosaurus!

He's gonna pee himself, then we'll all be in trouble.

Every room has a door! There's gotta be a door here!

It's OK, buddy. Don't worry about it.

Who's a handsome bug, huh? You like it when I rub your tummy?

Please! Somebody! I don't belong here!

- Let me out! - Hey, that is not a good idea.

- Let me out! - [whirring]

Monsters, get back in your cells.

- [whirring] - [gasps]

Oh, thank goodness. A real person. You are a real person, right?

Not one of those half-person, half-machine,

you know, whatever you call those things.

- A cyborg? - Oh, no! You're a cyborg?!

Madam, I assure you, I am not a cyborg. The name is General W.R. Monger.

I'm in charge of this facility. Now follow me.

It is time for your orientation.

In 1950, it was decided that Jane and Joe Public could not handle the truth

about monsters, and should focus on more important things, like paying taxes.

So the government convinced the world

monsters were stuff of myth and legend and then locked them away in this facility.

Uhh!

But I'm not a monster! I'm just a regular person.

I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

- [yelling] - [sputtering]

[man] Don't let her get me!

Sorry.

[cow mooing]

- How long will I be here? - Indefinitely.

- Can I contact my parents? - No.

- Derek? - Negative.

- Do they know where I am? - No, and they never will!

This place is an X file,

wrapped in a cover-up and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

There will be zero contact with the outside world.

[roaring, snorting]

[hooting]

...seven, eight... [grunting]

...999... [gasping]

...1,000. [grunting]

I can't believe I did ten sets.

[laughing]

Ah! Susan!

You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you?

I just need a smidge.

Rescind Dr. Cockroach's

toy box privileges immediately.

We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell.

Try to keep you all calm-like.

[Susan] But I don't want a poster.

I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.

I want to go home.

Come on, little Debbie, please don't cry. It makes my knees hurt.

Don't think of this as a prison.

Think of it as a hotel you never leave because it's locked from the outside!

[mechanical whirring]

Oh, and one other thing.

The government has changed your name to Ginormica.

[gasping]

[female voice] Begin reanimation sequence.

Who dares to wake me?

Quantonium has been located on a distant planet

in the Omega Quadrant.

The Omega Quadrant? Lame.

[female voice] The trajectory of the Quantonium meteor

has been traced to sector 72-4,

the planet locally known as Earth.

What a miserable-looking mud ball.

Send a robot probe!

Extract the Quantonium with extreme prejudice.

I want it all.

Every last drop!

Yes, Gallaxhar.

[Gallaxhar] Nothing can stand in my way now.

[♪ Journey: Who's Crying Now]

♪ One love feeds the fire ♪

♪ One heart burns desire ♪

♪ Wonder, who's crying now? ♪

Don't rush me, Katie! I'm just not ready.

Oh, relax, Cuthbert. It's just like dancing. I'll lead.

- Ah! - [signal breaking up]

Katie, I have a gymnastics meet tomorrow. So maybe, uh...

Uh, did you open the top?

Oh, thank goodness. It's the police.

We weren't doing anything, officer!

Yeah, nothing at all.

[roaring]

[Cuthbert] Jiminy!

Why did I even let you talk me into this?

Maybe we should get out of here.

Or maybe we should go check it out.

Katie, are you nuts?

Wait! Don't leave me alone!

Ah! [grunting]

No! My ankle!

- [cracking] - I think it's broken!

Katie?

[groaning] This is the worst date ever.

Katie, I'm frightened.

[screaming]

It was first spotted at midnight last night by a couple in romantic embrace.

No one knows what it is or where it came from.

All branches of the military were immediately mobilized.

What is that, Henshaw? OK.

I have just received word that the president of the United States

has arrived and will attempt to make first contact.

I must approach it alone.

This is all about peaceful communication.

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

[♪ Les Deux Love Orchestra: Planet Claire]

Perimeter stable. Got a bead on Papa Bear. All clear.

[panting]

[panting]

[cracking knuckles]

[playing Close Encounters of the Third Kind]

[gulps]

[clearing throat]

[playing Axel F.]

[beat joins in]

[panting]

[dog barking]

[rumbling]

[all gasping]

[whirring]

[all exclaiming]

- [man] Let's go! - [man 2] Get out of the way!

[man] Set her down, now. Here we go!

[indistinct shouting]

[grunts]

Whoa!

Commander, do something violent!

You heard the president! Light 'em up!

We're getting pummeled down here! Call in air support! Call in air support!

Yeah!

[indistinct radio chatter]

[squeaking] Call in... [clearing throat] Call in a full retreat!

Full retreat! Full retreat, all troops!

Wheels up. Papa Bear is on the move.

Wait. So that's how you want to play it?

- Eat lead, alien robot! - [robot gulps]

- Evidently, they eat lead. - Get him on the chopper.

[grunting] I'm brave! I'm a brave president!

Get out of the way!

[panting]

[beeping]

[grunting]

[man] Sir! We need to declare a...

[man 2] We need to overthrow that robot

and install our own government!

[man 3] Let's sacrifice the elderly to it!

I say we invade it!

The Earth only has two weeks left!

If that thing walks into a populated area there'll be a major catastrophe!

We need our top scientific minds on this. Get India on the phone!

Can we transport the United States to a safer planet?

Give this alien a green card and make him proud to be an American.

Sir, it's at dire times like this when stop and ask myself, "What would Oprah do?"

Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.

[all] Stop! No!

That button launches our nuclear missiles!

Well, which button gets me a latte?

Uh... That would be the other one, sir.

What idiot designed this thing?

[man] You did, sir.

Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody!

[Wilson] Yes, Mr. President.

Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history

as the president who was in office

when the world came to an end,

so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!

That is a good cup of joe.

[General Monger] Mr. President?

Not only do I have an idea, but I have a plan!

Hoorah!

Now, conventional weapons have no effect on this thing,

and we all know nukes ain't an option.

Sure, they are. I just...

- [all yelling] - No! Don't do it! Stop!

I won't kid you, Mr. President. These are dark times.

The odds are against us. We need a Hail Mary pass.

We need raw power! We need...

...monsters.

Monsters! Of course! It's so simple!

I... I'm not following you.

Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage,

and locked them up in a secret prison facility.

So secret that the mere mention of its name is a federal offense.

Is he referring to Area Fifty...[gasping]

Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus!

[screaming]

Miss Ronson, please.

Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub

into a 350-foot-tall monster that attacked Tokyo.

Here we have the Missing Link.

[screaming]

A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man who was thawed out by scientists.

He escaped and went on a rampage in his old watering hole.

This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, Ph.D.,

the most brilliant man in the world.

He invented a scientific machine

that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive.

Unfortunately, there was a side effect.

- [Miss Ronson screaming] - [General Monger groans]

- Now, we call this thing B.O.B. - [Miss Ronson screaming]

Will someone get her out of here?!

- [glass breaking] - [scuffling, grunting]

Thank you.

A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered

ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant.

The resulting goop gained consciousness,

and became an indestructible gelatinous mass.

And, our latest addition, Ginormica.

[screaming]

[clears throat] General, continue.

Her entire body radiates with pure energy,

giving her enormous strength and size.

Sir, these monsters are our best and only chance to defeat that robot.

Don't we already have an alien problem?

We don't need a monster problem, too.

You got a better idea, nerd?

[all groaning]

OK. Stay where you are. [clears throat]

General, I propose we go forward

with your monsters-versus-aliens idea... thingy.

[The Missing Link] Go fish.

[♪ Little River Band: Reminiscing]

♪ Walking through the park ♪

Do you...

...have any...

...threes?

Yes. I do!

How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know.

Luck ain't got nothin' to do with it. [chuckling]

- [radio stops] - What the...? Hey!

[beeping]

They called me crazy, but I'll show them. I'll show them all!

[cackling]

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh

while I'm hooked up to this machine.

[Insectosaurus growling]

You're right, Insecto.

You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.

I'm not a quack! I'm a mad scientist!

- There is a difference. - Guys, what choice do I have?

If he can make me normal, or even six-foot-eight,

I can get out of here,

get back to the life I'm supposed to have.

- I should be in... - Let me guess, Fresno?

Well, Fresno is just a stepping stone. Next stop, Milwaukee.

- And then New York and then someday, hopefully... - Yeah, we know. Paris.

Throw the switch, Doctor, but don't do the laugh.

Now you'll feel a slight pinch in the brain.

[maniacal laughter] Sorry.

[electricity surging]

[yelling]

[echoing] Susan!

- Yoo-hoo! - [Susan] Am I small again?

I'm afraid not, my dear.

- [sighing] - [sizzling]

In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

[nervous chuckling]

That's OK, Doc. We'll try again tomorrow.

You really don't get it, do you?

No monster has ever gotten out of here!

That's not true! The Invisible Man did.

No, he didn't. We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.

No!

Yeah... in that very chair.

He's still there.

[whimpering]

You see what I'm saying? Nobody's leaving.

Nobody's ever getting out.

Good news, monsters! You're getting out!

Until today.

So let me get this straight, Monger.

You want us to fight an alien robot.

And, in exchange, the president of these United States

authorized me to grant you your freedom.

[sighing] I can't believe it!

Soon, I'll be back in Derek's arms...

...or he'll be in mine.

I can't wait for spring break back at Cocoa Beach,

just freaking everybody out.

And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

No, no! That's me, B.O.B.

Then I'll be a really giant lady.

That's Susan, B.O.B.

Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

That's still Susan, B.O.B.

[B.O.B.] I think I deserve a chance to be with Derek!

All right, let's go!

[grunting]

[horns honking]

[man over bullhorn] Everybody move in an orderly fashion!

This is an emergency! We are evacuating the city!

Exact change is appreciated, but not necessary!

Let's move out!

[gasping] This is San Francisco! This isn't far from my home!

[sighing] Feel the wind on your antennae. Isn't this wonderful?

I haven't been outside in 50 years. It's amazing out here!

It's hotter than I remember. Has the Earth gotten warmer?

That'd be great to know that. That would be a very convenient truth.

[rumbling]

Whoo-whee!

- Now that's a robot! - It's huge.

Try not to damage it too much.

I might want to bring it back to the farm!

No, wait! You didn't say anything about it being huge!

Wait! No, don't leave!

I think he sees us.

Hello! Hi! How you doing?

Welcome! We are here to destroy you!

I can't fight that thing.

I can't even... I've never... [gasping]

I'm hyperventilating. Does anybody have a giant paper bag?

Relax.

Old Link's got this under control.

Hide in the city, Susan. You'll be safe there.

But stay away from the Tenderloin! It's a little dicey!

Finally, some action. I'm gonna turn that oversized tin can

into a really dented oversized tin can.

OK! Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus?

Wow! Would you look at the size of that...

Foot!

I got him, you guys! I got...

Don't worry, I won't let go! I'm wearing him down!

Please tell me he's slowing down!

Get to the city, Link. I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

Or maybe you'll have to catch up with me.

[heavy footfalls in distance]

[gasping]

[gasps]

[yelling]

[gasping, grunting]

[screaming]

[panting]

[yelling, grunting]

[yelling, gasping] Oh, no!

No, no, no! [screaming]

Oh. [screams, gasping]

[gasping]

[yelling]

OK, OK. I got this.

- [thud] - [The Missing Link] Ow!

[grunting]

Yep, that hurt.

[yelling]

Get in! I have a plan! [laughing]

[grunting]

[cackling]

Hot dogs!

[laughing, inhaling]

[yelling]

All right, Link, I'm going to pull up alongside it! You get up in there,

get to its central processing unit, and...

- Hey, guys, catch me! - No!

Let's go, let's go! Keep it moving!

Hey! No honking!

Whoa!

Excuse me! Coming through! On your right! No control!

[horn honking]

Oh, no.

[gasping]

OK! It's going to be OK! Look, I'm gonna get you out of there!

Hold on a second! We have to get off the bridge before...

- [screaming] - [gasping]

[screaming]

[all screaming]

[yelling]

Ah!

No, no, no! Get away from me!

[roaring]

[whirring]

Coming through! Watch it!

[screaming]

[panting] Hey, furball, where you been?

[grunting]

Yeah, I know. Papa's a little out of shape.

Excuse me! He's trying to kill me! Why is it doing that? Why would it...?

[screaming]

Oooh...

[grunting]

- Wow. - [grunting, gasping]

[gasping]

- [tires squealing] - [passengers screaming]

- Wow. You're doing great! - I'm doing everything!

Not for long. Come on, you guys. Let's take this thing down!

[grunting]

A deflector shield. Typical.

[grunting]

[gasping, grunting]

You can't crush a cockroach! [cackling]

[grunting, yelping]

[grunting]

[panting]

Right, right.

Here we go.

[grunting]

- [groaning] - Insectosaurus!

- [moaning] - Insectosaurus!

- B.O.B.! - What?

- Help me! - Sorry.

I was staring at this bird over there.

We have to get these people off the bridge!

- Got it. - [woman screaming]

No, B.O.B.! Move the dividers!

Oh, yeah, you're right. My bad.

Go, go, go, go!

[grunting]

Link!

Oh, I don't feel good.

OK. Susan, you can do this.

[grunting]

[gasping]

[rumbling]

[grunting]

All right. Let's take this thing down.

[grunts]

[female voice] Retrieval has failed.

Don't get upset. It happens to everyone.

Ah! That lower life form

thinks she can steal my Quantonium?

Send another probe at once!

[female voice] Quantonium cannot be retrieved via robot.

Carbon-based life form, locally known as Susan, is now too strong.

Oh, you think because you're all big and strong

and you can destroy my robot probe

that you're gonna send me running and hiding?

My days of running and hiding are over!

Computer, set a course to Earth.

I will retrieve the Quantonium myself,

even if I need to rip it out of her body

one cell at a time!

[female voice] Careful, it's hot.

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot,

I would have said, "No can do." But I did it! Me!

I'm still buzzing. I mean, did you see how strong I was?

There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

You were positively heroic, my dear.

I especially loved how you saved those people on the bridge.

It was a nice touch. Wasn't she amazing, Link?

Yeah, she was great. Really cool. Loved it.

Oh, poor Link.

After all that tough talk, you were out-monstered by a girl.

- No wonder you're depressed. - I'm not depressed. I'm tired.

Why are you tired? You didn't do anything.

Well, I haven't been sleeping well.

I got sleep apnes... apnea. Whatever. It's not fun.

So Link's a little rusty... I mean, sleep deprived.

You'll be back to your old self in no time. And so will I.

What happened to the "there isn't a jar I can't open" stuff?

Wait. Did you find a jar you couldn't open?

Was there pickles in it?

Where's the giant jar of pickles?

What my associate is trying to say

is that we all think the new Susan is the "cat's me-wow."

[chuckling]

- I'm sorry. - Aww.

Thanks, you guys. That is so sweet,

but I have a normal life waiting for me. You know?

So tell me, exactly, how this normal life thing

works with you being giant and all.

I'm not gonna be a giant forever.

Derek won't rest until we've found a cure for my...

...condition. We're a team.

We could all do with a Derek.

Perhaps, someday, we could make his acquaintance!

Really? You guys want to meet Derek?

First stop, Modesto!

Ginormica, I called your family to tell them you were coming home.

I also called the Modesto PD, told them not to shoot at you.

Thanks, General.

[chuckling]

OK, remember, these people aren't used to seeing, um...

...anything like...

...you, or you...

...or you.

So just be, you know, cool. Just be, you know...

- Follow my lead. - [crunching noise]

[all yelling, grunting]

Stop! That was an accident!

Don't destroy anything!

[crashing]

[woman] Susan?

- Susie Q! - Mom? Daddy?

Did they experiment on you?

No, Mom. I'm fine.

It's OK. They're with me.

These are my new friends.

- Oh, Derek! - [screaming]

I missed you so much,

thinking that we'd someday be together again!

It's the only thing that got me through prison! I love you! I love this man!

No, B.O.B.! That's my mother! You're suffocating her!

- [grunting] - Honey, are you all right?

- I taste ham. - [Susan] Sorry, Mom.

He's just a hugger.

Where's Derek?

Uh, he's at work, sweetie.

You know how he is about his career.

We're not gonna celebrate without him!

Susan! What do I do with all your little friends?

Just put out some snacks! They'll eat anything!

[rattling]

Oh! Ambrosia!

[♪ Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs: Wooly Bully]

How's it going?

Qué pasa, girlfriend?

Way to cut up a rug, Insecto!

- [roaring] - [car alarms blaring]

Who wants to go for a swim with the Link?

Ah!

Hi. I'm Benzoate-Ostylezene -Bicarbonate.

Or you can call me B.O.B., whichever's easier.

Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry.

I'm a little rusty. I've been in prison my whole life.

Why'd I mention prison?

Oh, I didn't mean to scare you.

I'm just going to go. Oh, I feel so stupid.

All right. Everyone, just stay calm.

Whatever you do, do not provoke them.

Anyone care for an Atomic Gin Fizz? It's got quite a...

- ...kick. - [screaming]

Chlorine! Chlorine! Chlorine in my eyes! Ahhh!

- [all screaming] - They're turning on us!

Everyone, run for your lives!

[all screaming]

What are they running away from?

[laughing]

That's hilarious, Jim.

That's exactly the kind of down-home country humor I'm gonna miss when I'm in Fresno.

This is Derek Dietl, signing off for the very last time.

- Good night, Modesto! - [man] Channel 172.

- [man 2] And cut. - [bell rings]

- [applause] - [indistinct chattering]

So did you like that sign-off? Just made it up.

[screaming]

[people screaming]

Oh, my goodness.

Wait, wait, wait! But, but...! [grunting]

- [gasping] Oh, Derek. - [yelling]

You wouldn't believe my last three weeks!

- You wouldn't believe it. - [yelling]

[grunting, groaning]

Thinking about you was the only thing that kept me sane.

[gasping] Can't breathe! Ribs collapsing!

- Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry! - [grunting]

- Oh, my goodness. Is that better? - Oh, my...!

- [groaning, panting] Oh, yeah. - OK. OK.

I'm just still kind of getting used to my new strength.

Wow! You really are big!

Yeah, but I'm still me.

I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.

Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge.

Well, but that was the only way that I was gonna stop that giant robot!

You ever think I could do something like that?

No, I didn't. I can honestly say it never, ever, ever, ever,

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

Look, I know this is a little weird.

OK. [laughs] It's a lot weird, but we'll figure it out.

I know that, together, we can find a way to get me back to normal.

Susan, try and look at this from my perspective.

I have an audience that depends on me for news,

weather, sports and heart-warming fluff pieces.

You expect me to put all that on hold

while you try to undo this thing that happened to you?

That I had absolutely nothing to do with?

Yes. That's exactly what I expect.

What about the life we always talked about?

Don't you still want that?

Of course. I just...

...don't see how I can have that with you.

Derek, please, don't do this.

[sighing] You have to face facts, Susan.

And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married

and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow.

And you're casting a pretty big shadow.

I'm sorry. It's over.

Good luck, Susan.

[sniffling]

Wow! What a shindig!

Your parents really know how to throw it down.

What? No, that was a great party.

One of the best I've been to since I got out of prison.

I must have been at a different party,

'cause that's not how I interpreted it at all.

I don't think your parents liked me, and that JELL-O gave me a fake phone number.

Well, at least the garbage was free. You know? I mean...

Ah, who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet,

and they'd still treat us the same way they've always treated us... like monsters.

Right. Monsters.

Anyway, how is Derek?

[sighing] Derek is a selfish jerk.

- No! - Yes.

All that talk about "us." "I'm so proud of us."

"Us just got a job in Fresno." There's no "us."

There was only Derek.

Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that?

- I was such an idiot! - [B.O.B. giggling]

Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great, anyway?

Look at all the stuff I've done without him.

Fighting an alien robot? That was me, not him.

And that was amazing! Meeting you guys? Amazing.

Dr. Cockroach, you can crawl up walls

and build a supercomputer out of a pizza box,

two cans of hairspray, and...

- And a paper clip! - Amazing!

And you! You hardly need an introduction. You're the Missing Link!

You personally carried 250 co-eds off of Cocoa Beach,

and still had strength to fight off the National Guard!

And the Coast Guard. And also, the lifeguard.

Amazing!

B.O.B.! Who else could fall

from unimaginable heights and end up without a single scratch?

- Link? - You.

Amazing!

[roaring]

Good point, Insecto! Susan, don't short-change yourself!

Oh, I'm not gonna short-change myself ever again!

- Testify! - Yeah.

- [all laughing] - Oh, yes.

[yelling]

Susan!

- [roaring] - [yelling]

Way to go, Insecto!

[grunting]

- [squeaking] - Insecto, look out!

[squealing]

[groaning]

Insectosaurus! No!

[moaning]

You're gonna make it.

It's gonna be all right. Look at me.

Don't you close those eyes. Don't you dare close those eyes.

You can't...

[grunting]

[groaning]

[gasping]

- [yelling] - [Gallaxhar laughing]

You must be terrified.

You wake up in a strange place, wearing strange clothes,

imprisoned by a strange being floating on a strange hovering device.

Strange, isn't it?

Hardly. It's not the first time.

Wow. You really get around.

To the extraction chamber!

Look. What is it that you want from me?

You have stolen what is rightfully mine!

I didn't steal anything from you.

Your enormous, grotesque body contains Quantonium,

the most powerful substance in the universe.

Did you really think you could keep it from me?

That's what this is all about?

You destroyed San Francisco, terrified millions of people...

...you killed my friend, just to get to me?

Yakakakaka. Silence! Your voice is grating on my ear nubs.

It's a shame you won't be around to see what the power of Quantonium

can do in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it!

I know how to use it just fine!

Don't bother. That force field is impenetrab...

[yelling] What the Flagnard?!

- [electricity sizzling] - [grunting]

[yelling]

Ha! That should stop your puny...

[yelling]

Computer, close door, hangar two!

- [grunting] - Close door, hangar three!

- [grunting] - Door, hangar four!

No! Close them all!

- Ah! - [grunting]

Whoa!

Ah!

Whoa... [yelling]

[shouts]

- [groaning] - [takes deep breath]

Oh.

Ah!

[screams, grunts]

- Computer, begin extraction! - [beeping]

[giggling]

[moaning]

[Gallaxhar giggling]

Finally, I can rebuild my civilization on a new planet.

Any thoughts on where I should set up shop?

Your planet, perhaps?

You keep your slimy tentacles off my planet!

- [gasping] - If you wanted to stop me,

you should have done it when you possessed the Quantonium!

Now you're nothing.

There are innocent people down there who didn't do anything!

There were innocent people on my home planet

before it was destroyed.

I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.

Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it.

Confused?

After I reveal my tale to you,

everything will become crystal clear.

Computer, initialize cloning machine.

[female voice] Yes, Gallaxhar.

Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling,

I found out my parents were...

[buzzing]

No child should ever have to endure that!

So I went on the road with a giant...

[buzzing]

And soon thereafter was married!

Things were going well, until she wanted to...

[buzzing]

And then I was all, "No way!"

And she was all, "Yes, way," and I was like...

[buzzing]

But I've told you too much already!

Let the birth of my new planet, now called...

..."Gallaxhar's Planet" begin!

[whirring]

Once again, a UFO has landed in America,

the only country UFO's ever seem to land in.

Excuse me. What's that, Henshaw?

Okey-dokey.

Uh, we now take you, live,

to a transmission from the alien spacecraft.

Humans of Earth, I have come in peace.

You need not fear me. I mean you no harm.

However, it is important to note most of you will not survive the next 24 hours.

And those who do survive

will be enslaved and experimented on.

You should in no way take any of this personally.

It's just business. So just to recap:

I come in peace, I mean you no harm and you all will die.

- [crowd gasping] - Gallaxhar out.

[crowd screaming]

OK, boys, set the terror level

at code brown 'cause I need to change my pants.

- What're we gonna do now, doc? - [sighing] I... I don't know.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're not gonna let Insecto die in vain.

We're gonna get up there, find Susan,

and we're gonna take that alien down!

All right, gentlemen, you've got enough juice in those jetpacks to get up there

but not enough to make it home.

I'll come get you if I can.

If I don't, it means I'm dead. Or late.

I've been your warden for close to 50 years.

That's no longer the case.

For what it's worth...

- That's rude. What did we do? - No, B.O.B., that's not rude.

That's a sign of respect.

General, it's targeting us!

That's the idea, Lieutenant. Hold your course.

Steady. Steady.

- [zap] - Hard right! Hard right!

I can't shake it!

Hang on to your socks! We're going for a ride!

Whee-ha!

[crashing]

That's why I always wear a parachute, Lieutenant.

You can let go of me now, Lieutenant.

- [grunting] - [rumbling]

[gasping]

[cawing]

Who are you signaling? We're right here.

Hey, zip it!

- Clone! - Hail Gallaxhar!

No, not all of you. You, there.

Um, how do I do this? Three back.

No, no, no, no. That guy next to you. The one I'm pointing at!

You! The one... Yakakakaka!

You, clone! Yes! Good! [sighing]

Take the prisoner to the incinerator.

She's useless to us now.

- Hail Gallaxhar. - Hail me.

Wow. Ginormica ain't so... "ginormic" anymore.

How are we supposed to get to her?

There's too many of them. It's impossible.

I may not have a brain, gentlemen, but I have an idea.

This is not going to work.

[grunting]

[The Missing Link] Halt!

I... Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.

Clearly, you are defective beyond repair.

Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator!

Well, what are you waiting for? You and you!

- [scoffing] Seriously? - Yes! Take the prisoner

and the defective clone to the incinerator!

Uh, of course, sir.

Here's a security pass, just in case.

- Would you like a gun? - Yes, I would.

Hey, guys, look.

OK.

I can't believe you guys came to save me. Thank you.

Don't mention it. We monsters got to stick together.

But I'm not a monster anymore. I'm just me.

My dear, no matter what your size, you'll always be...

...nothing but a filthy, carbon-based life form!

[all] Hail Gallaxhar!

Hail Gallaxhar.

These disguises are the bomb!

That's it! Follow me.

- The only way to save Earth... - [all] Hail Gallaxhar!

Hail Gallaxhar. The only way...

- [all] Hail Gallaxhar! - Hail Gallaxhar.

...to save Earth is to blow up this ship...

- [all] Hail Gallaxhar! - Hail Gallaxhar.

...before the invasion starts.

So... how do we do this?

We need to find the main power core.

Excuse me, could you direct us to the main power core?

Gladly. It's right there, above the extraction chamber.

Thank you very much. Hail Gallaxhar.

- Watch out! - Look out, brainless!

Give me that thing!

A weapon like this needs to be in the hands of someone responsible.

[grunting]

- Oh... - [gasps] What?

Hail Gallaxhar?

[all] Monsters!

[female voice] Monsters.

Monsters?

- [alarm blaring] - Attention, all aliens!

Destroy all monsters!

[all yelling]

You want some of this? [yelling]

[grunting]

You want to hurt my friends, you'll have to go through me!

- [grunting] - [groaning]

- Oh, yeah. - [all yelling]

[yelling]

- Susan! - Ah!

- [laughing] - I can't believe we made it!

[all shouting]

[yelling]

- [thud] - [The Missing Link] Ow!

O... M... G.

[female voice] Warning, intruder.

- [beeping] - [female voice laughs]

You'll never figure out my color code.

A hexadecimal color code system.

This won't be but a moment. [cackling]

Red, green, blue, yellow, orange, baby blue,

purple, pink, mauve, gold, avocado, adobe gold!

[dance music playing]

[indistinct yelling]

- [Susan yelling] - Doc, come on, dance!

[female voice] Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.

We can't hold them off much longer!

One thing you don't know about me, my dear.

My Ph.D... is in...

...dance! [echoing] Dance! Dance!

[female voice] Security protocol breached.

Ship has been set to self-destruct.

Total annihilation in T-minus six minutes.

- Launch the invasion then! - Invasion no longer possible.

Oh, space balls!

Divert the Quantonium to the bridge, and prepare my escape capsule!

Look at that! They're all running scared! Monsters win! [laughs]

Uh, I don't think that's why they're running.

[female voice] Ship will self-destruct in T-minus five minutes.

- Hail Gallaxhar! - [yelling]

We're not gonna make it!

- [grunting] - [yelling]

- Whoa! - Hang on!

[all grunting]

- Keep going! - [screams]

[grunting]

[straining]

[groans] It's no use. It won't budge.

[grunting] If I was still Ginormica, I could do this!

Susan, get out of here while you still got the chance!

No! Don't say that. I'm not leaving you guys.

Yes, you are. Rendezvous with Monger.

He's outside the ship, waiting for you. Go while there's still time.

[female voice] Ship will self-destruct in T-minus four minutes.

Don't you worry about us, Susan.

You finally have a chance to get your old life back.

I don't want my old life back.

They think they've stopped me? They've stopped nothing.

[female voice] Female carbon-based life form, or Susan, not contained.

What?

Attention, robot probes! Crush the earthling!

[gasping]

[screaming]

[female voice] Robot bay has been destroyed.

[growling] Fire phasoid cannon!

[yelling]

[grunting] Are you crazy? You could have killed me!

Then we understand each other.

Now open the doors and let my friends go.

Or what? You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?

[female voice] Quantonium

has been successfully diverted to the bridge.

Escape capsule ready for transport.

Like I told you before, you should have defeated me

when you had the Quantonium.

Have fun exploding!

[both grunting]

Yah!

[both yelling]

[grunting]

[giggling]

Ah!

Now open the doors.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't!

That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct!

Now we're all going to die!

And there's nothing you can do about it... Susan.

I wouldn't be so sure.

And the name is Ginormica.

[female voice] Total annihilation in T-minus one minute.

It's been an honor knowing you, Doc.

The feeling's mutual, my friend.

I'll see you guys tomorrow for lunch.

That's right, B.O.B.

And there'll be candy and cake and balloons.

Cake and balloons for lunch?!

It's gonna be the best day ever! I love you guys!

[rumbling]

- By Hawking's chair! - [grunting]

[all yelling]

[female voice] Total annihilation in T-minus 30 seconds.

- [screams] Where's Monger? - He's supposed to be here!

He said the only reason he wouldn't be here is if he was dead!

[yelling]

Or late!

[roaring]

Insectosaurus? You're alive! [laughing]

And you're a butterfly!

Hee-haw!

[female voice] Eight...

...seven...

...six...

...five...

...four...

- ...three... - Come on!

- Come on! - ...two...

...one.

Hm, nothing happened. Maybe my count was...

- There they are! - [cheering]

[man] Here they come!

[roaring]

Whoo!

[laughing]

- Yeah! - [screaming]

- Oh, great. - [woman screeching]

- [kissing sounds] - [women screeching]

Oh, boy.

- Susie Q! - Daddy!

Oh, Susan. Ever since you were a baby, I knew that someday...

...you would, you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.

Thank you, but it wasn't just me, Mom.

Excuse me! Hello! Coming through! How are you?

- Susan! - Derek?

Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us.

And I want you to know...

...I forgive you.

- You forgive me? - Of course.

It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteor and ruined everything.

And you know what? I say maybe you didn't ruin everything.

I just got a call from New York. They offered me network.

All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.

- Really? - Yeah.

I get my dream job and you get your dream guy.

It's a win-win for Team Dietl.

Derek...

...that's amazing.

- Uh, is the camera rolling? - Absolutely.

[grunting, yelling]

Good, because I wouldn't want your fans to miss this.

[gasping]

This is Susan Murphy, saying,

"Goodbye, Derek!"

[yelling]

- B.O.B., could you, uh...? - [Derek yelling]

[muffled shouting]

Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what?

I've met someone else. She's lime green.

She has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her,

and she is everything I deserve in life!

I'm happy now, Derek, without you!

It's over!

Turn it off.

Monsters, I'm so proud of you, I could cry,

if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war.

But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

What is it, General?

A snail fell into a French nuclear reactor.

As we speak, Escargantua is slowly

making its way to Paris.

Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris. Now who's with me?

What do you say, Butterfly... osaurus?

- [roaring] - We're in.

- I'm in! - Count me in, too.

[crowd cheering]

Au revoir, sweetie!

- Have a safe flight! - [Carl] Yeah, and hang on!

[roaring]

[B.O.B.] Goodbye, Derek! Good luck getting over me.

[Susan] Uh, B.O.B., it's me he's never going to get over.

[B.O.B.] Wait, wait! You were dating Derek, too?

That two-timing jerk!

[♪ Henry Jackman: Monster Mojo]

♪ So you think you can dance ♪

♪ Half person Half machine ♪

♪ Who dares wake me? ♪

♪ Begin reanimation sequence ♪

♪ Lame ♪

Everyone, let's welcome my new chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,

General W.R. Monger!

Thank you, Mr. President. What a great way to celebrate my 90th birthday.

Very good, Warren. All right.

♪ Let's get it started in here ♪

- Nerd? - Gentlemen,

I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate

for the rebuilding of San Francisco.

Zoinkers. This is going to be a boring one.

Good time for a cup of joe. Warren, how do you take it?

Hit me with a double venti organic chocolate brownie

caramel Frappuccino, extra hot, with one inch of foam...

- ...non-fat. - You got it! Black it is.

- [indistinct shouting] - [woman] Mr. President! Wait!

My God, man! What have you done?

Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys.

Let's check on the situation in 500 years.

Who wants to freeze my head?

[♪ The B-52's: Planet Claire]

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

♪ I knew she came from there ♪

♪ She drove a Plymouth Satellite ♪

♪ Faster than the speed of light ♪

♪ Planet Claire has pink air ♪

♪ All the trees are red ♪

♪ No one ever dies there ♪

♪ No one has a head ♪

♪ Some say she's from Mars ♪

♪ Or one of the seven stars ♪

♪ That shine after 3:30 in the morning ♪

♪ Well, she isn't ♪

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

♪ She came from Planet Claire ♪

[♪ Sheb Wooley: Purple People Eater]

♪ Well, I saw the thing coming out of the sky ♪

♪ It had one long horn and one big eye ♪

♪ I commenced to shakin' and I said, "Ooo-eee" ♪

♪ It looks like a purple people eater to me ♪

♪ It was a one-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ One-eyed, one-horned flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ Sure looks strange to me ♪

- ♪ One eye ♪ - ♪ Well, he came down to earth and he lit in a tree ♪

♪ I said, "Mr. Purple People Eater, don't eat me" ♪

♪ I heard him say in a voice so gruff ♪

♪ "I wouldn't eat you 'cause you're so tough" ♪

♪ Well, bless my soul Rock and roll ♪

♪ Flyin' purple people eater ♪

♪ Pigeon-toed undergrowed flyin' purple people eater ♪

- ♪ I like short shorts ♪ - ♪ Flyin' purple people eater ♪

- ♪ What a sight to see ♪ - ♪ Purple people ♪

♪ Well, he went on his way and then a-what do ya know? ♪

♪ I saw him last night on a TV show ♪

♪ He was blowing it out A-really knockin' 'em dead ♪

♪ Playin' rock and roll music through the horn in his head ♪