Original subtitles

"Love is a state

of temporary psychosis."

Sigmund "Frued."

Ah, shit.

Freud.

Hey.

Gormless, you watching the meter? Go on, tell him.

- Yeah, yeah, I know. - Huh?

Hey, mate.

Mate, you got to watch your levels.

- What? - The levels! You got to watch your levels!

- Chill out, man. - No, I won't chill out.

You got to do it.

- No, I won't. - What do you mean, no?

No, mate. What are you doing?

Listen, get off the decks.

Yeah, listen, mate.

Just help me out. I really need this job,

so please just turn it down a little? - All right.

Thank you.

- Oh. Sorry. - Hey!

Oh, don't mind her. She likes to pee standing up.

Oh, yeah, woman's choice.

I mean, I like to pee sitting down sometimes.

The queue for the girls is a joke,

and Pervy Martin's got a peephole in there.

I think I've got stage fright.

Frida Kahlo deserves better than this.

Am I right?

You work here?

Not in here.

Uh, I'm a sound engineer, so I guess I am staff.

Uh, do you want... uh, I'll probably do that, actually.

What, do you have a bottle opener?

No, but I don't want you to hurt yourself, and I might

have something in my pocket that might be able to do it.

Give us a go.

Here ya are.

Thanks.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Oh, nice straw.

Yeah, it's metal.

The turtles are shoving the plastic ones up their noses.

- Massive cokeheads. - Yeah. Do you want it?

It's three quid, but you can have it.

Drink now, straw for life.

What, like balloon animals?

No, no, just tying the ends off a balloon.

So many people struggle.

Yeah, no, my fingers always get stuck.

And I'm supposed to be really good with my fingers.

I wasn't saying it rudely.

I was just saying 'cause I used to play guitar in a band, so...

Whoa! You're in a band!

Not anymore.

Like, you need money to live, so now I work here.

But, look, best thing about it,

you get four free soft drinks a night.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Don't go flashing those about.

Are you in a band, or is your boyfriend in a band?

Yeah, he is, actually.

- Ah. - Joking. I don't have a boyfriend.

What about your girlfriend?

Don't have a girlfriend.

Nah, yeah, I got a wife.

Right. Bye, then.

There you are. Come on! We have to go!

Wait, wait. Hang on a minute. Where you going?

It's our mate's birthday at this bar on Canal Street.

- Come. - I can't. I'm working.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. What was your name?

- "Emily"! - Emily, I'm Owen.

- Come on! - Come on!

Oh, sorry, mate.

Wahoo! Are you hearing that?!

Let's have it, Manchester!

Wait, Emily!

Emily!

I just want to get your number. Only if you want to, that is.

I mean, you don't have to, but I just...

I'd really like to get your number.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Come on!

You gonna memorize it?

I got a phone.

Come on! We're hours late!

- All right. Bye. - Thanks. Bye.

Hang in there, Robert, mate.

- Oh! - Oh! -

- Morning. - Hey.

Frodo, you want to knock before barging in?

What, into the kitchen and the living area?

No, don't think so.

You all right?

Mm, yeah.

Hey, um, Owen, look, uh...

- So, hey, look. - What?

So, a delightful, young,

professional couple from Marsden,

they want to come and view the place this evening.

Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt!

- I don't want to hear that! - What? Hey! Hey!

Owen, please, can you be in? I got to work late.

Oh, I can't do that, Frey, 'cause I got to pray today.

So I can't do that. Sorry.

Can't. Too busy.

- Someone's in a good mood. - Why? What happened?

Find a special little peephole in the men's bog?

You know, some dude used one, and then when he came out,

the guy on the other side was his dad.

Mate, that's an urban myth. It didn't happen.

Still denying it, are you?

What do you mean, deny it? We've got the same dad.

That just makes no sense.

What is her name?

- Emily. - I knew it.

And have you talked to this Emily?

Yeah, obviously I've talked to her.

Hard luck, mate.

What do you mean, hard luck?

- She talked back, actually. - Yeah?

Yeah, we danced in the middle of the S.U.,

and it was like... looked at each other and just... bam.

Felt like time actually stood still.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, no, no. - Oh, no, no. What are you saying no for?

- It-it was... - No, please. Not again.

No, no, no, no, no. It's different, it's different.

- It's different this time. - Oh, what?

You gonna write a song about it?

So when are you seeing her again?

Don't know. Not messaged her yet.

- Why? - Don't know.

It's the next morning. - Why don't you do it now?

No, you haven't got the balls, have you?

- I've got the balls. - Do it now, then.

- I will. - Go on, then.

- I will. - Matt, what's the time?

The ti... Oh, I don't know, love.

Think it's sort of, um...

I think it's sort of standing still.

- Bless him. - What do you mean, bless him?

Really funny.

Just-just keep it casual.

I know how to send a text message.

I'm a pretty casual guy, you know.

I got some good stuff going on here, like,

"I'm divorcing my wi..." Doesn't matter.

- Um... - What?

Won't send for some reason.

It's like... Try again.

Is the Wi-Fi working, do you know? Or...

Matt, give me the phone back. Matt, give the phone back.

- Matt. Matt. - Matt, give me the phone back.

Matt, I'm not messing around. Give me the phone back.

- Oh, hon, that is not her number. - Get off me!

What do you mean, it's not her number?

I saw her put it in. It is her number, I swear.

- It's missing a digit. - What do you mean,

- it's missing a digit? - Oh, my God.

Matt!

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

Stop laughing, please! It's not funny!

- I'll find her. - Oh, yes, it is funny.

- Oh, is it? Definitely? Ha! - I'll find her!

- Surname? - Don't know.

- Age? - Don't know.

- Subject of study? - Didn't ask that.

What did you talk about?

We didn't really have, like, a proper conversation.

We were just dancing and looking at each other.

It was dead nice.

- Matt, stop it! - Stop that.

Come on, our kid. She's a student at the uni you work at.

You're gonna see her again.

Yeah, well, that's a good point.

Good morning.

I'm wondering if you can help me.

I'm looking for a student that goes here.

- Which student? - Uh, Emily?

Emily what?

Emily, please?

Oh, uh, I don't, I don't know her last name.

Well, then I can't help you, then.

Don't you have, like, a directory

of all the students' names or...?

- No. - It's just, I really need your help, 'cause...

Yeah, I've got something of hers.

That's-that's what it is. I've got, uh, this.

This is hers. Well, well, it was her dad's,

and, uh, there was this fire,

and it was really, like, kind of...

Yeah, that-that's a lie.

- Do-do you want the truth? - No, I don't.

I met her last night and just really got on with her.

Her hair's about here, and she drinks beer... bottled...

and she's funny, smart.

Have you ever met somebody and, like, all that shit

you've got going on in your mind just...

it doesn't matter anymore?

And, like, the light at the end of your tunnel,

you're just, you're just standing in this light,

and you're just like, just like...

I don't know. It's just, like...

Please, could you just tell me, like,

what class she's in maybe or... I feel like it might be

the most important thing you ever do.

You've got two seconds to leave

before I call security, all right?

Yeah, okay. All right.

- Okay, I'll leave you to it. - Next.

- Uh, hey. - Yeah?

- You forgot this. - Uh, thanks, man. Cheers.

Uh, the only Emily I know is Emily Raine.

It proper sounds like her.

Okay, yeah. Would you know where I can find her?

- Is she, like... - Oh, she takes psychology

in the social science building.

Okay. All right. Thanks, man.

Have a good day.

Right. Everyone, I'm obligated to tell you

you have three weeks left.

Those who haven't started your conclusions, do so now.

It's worth 25% of your whole mark.

Those of you who...

- What? - Hi.

Could I speak to Emily Raine, please?

- Can this wait? - Not really.

I-I have a really important message from her father, so...

Ah.

Is there, is there, by any chance, like,

another Emily Raine in there or...?

You-you have a message from my dad?

Uh-uh-uh...

Yeah, yeah, just, uh...

He's, uh... he-he's run into, like,

a bit, a bit of car trouble, and...

He's fine. He's fine. Don't worry.

He just wanted me to, like,

let you know that it's just... his car's...

- Right. - Yeah.

Nothing about where he's been for the last 21 years?

Whether I have brothers or sisters? An apology?

Nah, just-just the, just the car thing.

No.

Well, uh, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He didn't call.

Typical him, huh?

Sorry, I'll, uh...

- I'll let you get back, um... - What are, what are you doing?

Well, I'm looking for this girl called Emily.

It's a specific Emily. It's not you, obviously.

- I thought she was gonna be in there. - Emily what?

I don't know. I don't know her last name

or anything that's gonna help me find her.

So now you're running around, dragging Emilys out of lectures?

No, you were the first.

And the last, I reckon.

Didn't really work, so...

- Okay. - Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Sorry, by the way. Sorry.

Those intending a last-minute Ritalin-fueled all-nighter

in the belief that you'll produce something

that will change the world of social sciences, look at me.

Look at me!

You won't.

Applications for the postgrad position

at the Donegan Psychiatry Group have now closed.

I will let you know the short list.

Uh, Raine, glad to see you got your application in

at the 11th hour.

If it weren't for the 11th hour, nothing would ever get done.

Uh, how's your dissertation?

Have you scientifically proven that everyone in love

is in fact a self-sabotaging Neanderthal sheep?

Oh, dear.

Scholarship student with a visa on the line.

I'd have thought you'd have stretched to something

a little more challenging than attachment theory.

Okay, so what I'm looking for here is

just an example of how love led to self-sabotage.

So I'm looking for

life-falling-apart type stuff, crazy shit.

Right?

What about the breakups?

Did anybody do anything unhinged?

I cut this fringe.

No way. I cut a fringe.

But it's grown out now.

I had mine before we got together.

Have any of you committed a crime?

Wait, Frida? Frida!

Wait.

Oi, wait! Frida!

Frida Kahlo, wait!

Wait! Frida!

Wait, wait! Frida Kahlo!

I, uh, I don't think she's into you, dude.

Yeah, that wasn't even her. That was her mate.

She didn't hear me, so...

"Missing: a digit of Emily's number.

"You gave me ten-elevenths

- of your number on Monday." - Yeah, all right.

"You were a fairy.

"I was the guy with no bottle opener

"who'd really like to see you again.

- Meet me where you found me..." - Yeah, you got...

- That's enough now. - "...any night at 7:00 p.m."?

She's a fairy?

Yeah, she was dressed like a fairy.

She'll get it.

An actual manic pixie dream girl, huh?

- What are you talking about? - Well, she's not a real person.

She's a perfect, uncomplicated,

heteronormative projection of everything you want her to be.

I don't know what you just said, but, no,

she's-she's-she's real, so...

And not like any girl you've ever met, right?

An eccentric but in, like, a socially acceptable way.

And she thinks you're amazing, and she loves what you love

and made you see the world in colors

you never even knew existed.

No, no, I knew, I knew they existed.

It's just, I've never seen them so... well, so bright, so...

What do you actually know about this girl?

I mean... just find someone else.

- This is... - What? But why?

Why would I want to find someone else?

What's wrong with trying?

There is nobody else, you understand?

- Oh, come on. - What do you mean, come on?

Now, when did everyone get so cynical? What's with that?

You don't get to choose who you fall for.

You don't dip in and out, run it by the class.

That's not what happens.

I don't know how you are in a relationship,

but that's not how I want to be.

I want to find her, okay?

I'll help you find her! I mean, I want to help you.

Why? Why would you want to do that?

Look, I'm-I'm sorry.

You're-you're absolutely right.

People are cynical.

And the truth is...

I would want someone to do this for me, so...

Right.

Look, uh, wh-what's your name again?

- Owen. - Owen.

- Okay. - Emily.

- You knew that, though, right? - Yeah.

Look, Owen, you seem like a nice guy,

and this Emily is

probably wondering why you haven't called.

Yeah, yeah, I know, and apparently you're not

supposed to wait over three days or something.

And term's almost over.

I mean, she'll-she'll be heartbroken, so... let me help.

Plus I'm a student here.

I-I can be your eyes on the ground, ear to the street.

I'm really good at this kind of thing.

Like, what's the plan after the, um, the wanted posters?

I don't really have a plan.

It's risky.

Live cases are unpredictable. Trust me. I know.

You cannot get involved.

One hint of bias or influence will invalidate your study,

and you will fail.

More importantly, Raine, you don't have time for this.

You're meant to be writing your conclusion.

No, this guy is my conclusion.

He's the case study I've been waiting for.

He-He's my very own Stanford prison experiment.

So, how many people actually go to this place?

40,000 and something.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

I mean, I found all of them in the last week, all but one.

Found this guy here like six times.

- All right, mate. How's it going? - All right.

And to be sure that

romantic attachment is the cause of any Freudian madness,

you must first establish

that there are no preexisting psychiatric conditions.

No preexisting psychiatric conditions.

And do you think that...

I'd hide those if I was you.

They're supplements.

The gut's the second brain.

Did you know it can function independently

of the brain and the central nervous system?

My grandma was on so many pills by the end

that she used to say, "If you pick me up..."

"I'll rattle."

Yeah, my mum used to say the same.

Are you on, uh, any medication?

I take antihistamines sometimes for, like, hay fever, but...

Anything for mental illness or...?

Nah.

Have you ever been committed to a psychiatric hospital?

What?

Criminal record?

Wh... Sorry, what is this?

I'm just making conversation.

Just getting to know you.

Have you ever, like, got to know somebody before?

'Cause you're well weird at it.

Who's that, then? Boyfriend?

- Who, Tristan? - Yeah.

- No. - But you want him to be?

No.

Is that a lie?

You know nothing about me.

Isn't that, like, what this is for?

- It's complicated. - Uh-huh.

You can't make someone a case study when they don't know.

Like, I don't think that's even admissible.

I think, don't they have to sign a release form?

I might have signed it for him.

Ugh.

I just... I'm saving him the admin.

Okay, well, that's giving illegal.

No, I... I know.

- But it's also... it's giving Donegan position. - Mm.

My other case studies are so boring. I need him.

Do you think you manipulate situations for your own gain?

I need him to do something big,

to give it scale.

Would you say you have a grandiose sense of self-worth?

If I don't get this position, I have to go back to Iowa

and live with my mom and her flat Earth theories.

Or you could marry me

and get a spousal visa and come live in London.

I want to be here, though.

And Tristan's got a job at the hospital, so...

No, do not come at me with the Tristan stuff

when I'm feeling this unwell.

We don't care what Tristan's doing, remember?

It's been three years of, "Oh, this is just casual, yeah?"

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

I mean, it's not about him, though.

Like, I-I-I genuinely think that my thesis

can help people understand themselves and...

What about the Owen lad?

It's fascinating.

I mean, he's completely delusional.

He sits in the S.U. every night just waiting for her

like he's in some shitty Casablanca.

He's in love with the idea of love.

Hey, I was thinking, did you check social media?

Obviously I've checked social media.

I've seen the face of every Emily that goes here.

And obviously she ain't gonna have social media anyway.

She's too cool, so...

You can't know everything about someone in 20 minutes.

Yeah, but you know everything you need to know, don't you?

No, people only tell you what they want you to know.

It's not what about you say, though.

It's... it's-it's about the vibe.

My professor, he wrote this amazing paper:

"Are we in love with the people in our lives

or just our projections of them?"

Love isn't something that should be studied.

Well, actually, a lot of people study love.

No, man, you can't look at it too long.

Otherwise it'll just disappear.

Well, have you never wondered

why you are the way that you are?

Why you do the things you do?

I mean, what effect your parents had

on your personality?

Sorry, did I buy weed off you in first year?

Or was it the-the antique maracas? Was that you?

No.

Get a weird vibe off you, man.

No, not like déjà vu, but like déjà boo!

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

All right, sound monkey. What are you doing here?

No gigs tonight?

Ah, just... having a quiet pint, so...

Yeah, dead quiet.

It's like a bloody wake over here.

Christ.

Seen this?

Could be worse, sound worm. Could be this twat.

How embarrassing.

Ladies.

Maybe that's why she's not coming,

'cause she's embarrassed.

Why would she be embarrassed?

Well, think about it. She came onto me.

Put herself out there, gave me her number and that.

And for all she's concerned, you know,

I've just ghosted her.

She ain't gonna come here, is she?

She knows I work here.

She thinks I'm one of those players, man.

- Player. - Player.

Okay, she said she was going to a birthday party

on Canal Street, so I just...

it's got to be one of these, hasn't it?

Yeah, it's got to be.

Yeah, we just go in here

and then bounce all the way down.

Okay, I'm in.

Ah, mate.

Uh, was there a birthday party here on Monday?

What kind of party?

Fancy dress kind of party.

Yeah, and it was amazing, you know.

Could I have the name of the person

whose party that was, please?

Can't give that out. Sorry, mate.

Yeah, you're in.

Fiver?

Tenner?

What happens if I give you 20 quid?

Are you serious?

The queer community thanks you for your contribution.

What about the information?

Can I have a try?

- Yeah, knock yourself out. - Yeah. What's your name?

Well?

Oh, I-I didn't get any information.

But I got us free drinks!

Great.

That's cute. Bye!

Yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Are-are we going to the, to the next one?

Nah. No next one. There's no point.

I'm wasting my time and your time.

Listen, I've spent 70 quid tonight

and no one's told me anything.

90 pound. I don't even know why I lied about that.

Okay, so-so we'll find, uh, a new strategy.

No, no, look, there's no point. She probably met someone

the other day that did text her back. And what am I doing?

Just pissing away mortgage money with you.

No offense or anything.

It's just, there's just no point, is there?

No, I mean, I mean, you said you'd find her at any cost,

and-and you've only spent 90.

No, I spent 125. One guy up there took card.

Okay, so-so that's it? You're just giving up?

Listen, I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do?

Tell me. Tell me what I'm supposed to do.

'Cause right now, there's nothing.

I might as well just go home.

Fine.

Didn't anyone ever tell you

if you're gonna be a lover, you got to be a fighter, too?

Shh.

You'll never guess where I've been.

Oh, oh.

I'm screwed.

- Have you slept? - I'm gonna fail.

There's no-no degree, no Donegan position.

I'm-I'm gonna go home a-a loser and a nobody all because of him.

What, Tristan?

- No, Owen. - Oh.

He just gave up.

He walked away like a completely sane person.

I mean, what am, what am I supposed to do?

Um, what can we do? We can... Oh.

You could just disprove your hypothesis.

Nobody gets a first

from disproving their hypothesis.

You could just ask for an extension.

He doesn't give extensions.

Legally, he has to give you an extension

if you evidence extenuating circumstances.

What are my extenuating circumstances?

Okay, big breath.

And let it out.

I think this... this is giving

extenuating circumstances.

I think just take a picture of this and pop it in an email

to that professor of yours,

and I think you'll get an extension.

Big kiss.

You've got this.

You have got this.

Sweeties for you. Popcorn for me.

Keep breathing.

Holy shit.

Thank you, Anna!

It's okay!

This is the email address of every single Emily

who is currently enrolled at the university.

How am I gonna know which one's hers?

Only one way to find out.

Nah.

Nah, I can't, I can't do that.

I'll, uh... I'll lose my job, so...

Well, only if people find out it was you, and they won't.

I mean, this is, this is your chance.

She's right here.

I'm not influencing you.

Okay.

D-Do it quickly.

Yeah, well, that depends on how many Emilys there are.

Well, how many can there be?

There's 318 Emilys go here.

That's wild, innit?

Only four Owens as well.

Only four.

- Here you go. - You sent it?

- Nah, not yet. - Oh. Okay.

Ooh, "E.T." What's that for?

Uh, it was a s-stupid dare.

- Is it real? - Yep.

Oh, that "E.T." on your "phone home" finger.

- Yes. - Funny. Great dare.

Yeah, so I've not sent it yet,

- but I've got something. - Okay.

What do you reckon to this?

"Evening, ladies."

- Ooh. - Yeah, yeah.

- It's... - Yeah, I'll probably make that "Emilys."

- Yeah, little better. - Yeah.

Right. "Evening, Emilys.

"I met one of you last Monday in the S.U.

"You were a fairy.

"I was the guy flashing coupons.

"The number I have for you is a digit short.

"I looked for you everywhere.

"Turns out this is the final straw.

- And if you'd like..." - What?

- What? - It's the British flirting.

It's like a random word generator.

What is that "straw"? What is that?

It's just like...

It's an inside joke. You won't get it.

It's just about, like, turtles

out of their shell on coke, just...

- Sounds hilarious. Keep going. - Yeah.

Yeah, so I just said, "If you'd like to see me again,

just email me back," smiley face.

- No, I don't think it needs that. - Ah, yeah, it doesn't...

doesn't need a smiley face, does it? No.

What happens if I've, like, misread this whole situation

and she did wrong-number me?

Well...

I mean, you must have some idea if she liked you.

Right?

Well, yeah, I think I did,

but I'm not really good at this stuff.

It's like, one minute you think it's going all right,

and the next minute, it's like, "Oh, you know, you're a bit...

you're a bit too much. Is-is your brother single?"

- Hmm. - Just don't want to ruin stuff. Do you know what I mean?

I feel like I was a right mess after my m...

You know, I've just got, I've got this job,

and I just feel like everything's started

to go all right, and now I've met this girl

that's gonna make everything feel perfect for me, and now...

I don't want to know if she's wrong-numbered me.

Do you know what I mean? Why would I want to know that?

And also, like, I definitely don't want

317 other random people to know that.

Don't know. I just feel like, if I send it,

I'm just gonna ruin everything. Do you know what I mean?

I'm just a little bit stressed about the whole thing.

I don't really know what to say.

What do you think I should do?

Send it.

Okay. I'll do that, then.

Sent.

Oh, I got it.

What is this about anyway?

Star-crossed lovers.

Right.

The taco pizza is a textural Midwestern experience.

It's a true delicacy.

Do not blame your vile concoction

on the good people of Iowa.

I won't hear anything against this pizza.

Well, I will. It's vile!

Don't knock it till you try it. I'm serious.

It's very good. Don't listen to her.

Hi.

65 BPM, two flights of stairs.

Not too shabby.

I'm getting you both a plate

- so we can all try it together. - Hello, hello.

- Hello. - Hey, Kyle.

- Hi, Kyle. - Hello. I've been skipping.

Look at this perfect punnet of tomatoes

- I got from the M&S bin. - Yeah.

You know how many tons of food

go to waste in this country, huh?

Laughable.

I got chocolate eggs, too.

Perfect pizza topping.

- You're welcome. - Um...

- Great. - Yes?

- Is Tristan coming? - He sends his apologies

but is otherwise engaged.

- Hello? - I'm not really sure

what's happening, but I'm getting,

I'm getting, like, a load of emails.

Hey, Emilys.

Nice to meet you all.

My God. WTF?

Are straight people okay? Question mark.

You cc'd everyone?

Well, yeah, yeah, I can see that now.

So you've just created a chat room of 318 Emilys.

Everybody can reply to each other now.

Well, thanks for the recap.

Wait, does he even go here?

I'm literally dying.

Guys, I manifested this.

Oh, this is so cute. Obsessed.

How did you not bcc?

I don't know what a bcc is.

- Wow. Who is he? - It's when y...

Never mind. Look, it'll be fine.

Iconic.

Uh, I should, uh...

Could you tell me, uh, how to delete it? Like...

- You can't. - Yas, king.

Flash your coupon at me.

Ugh. What does flashing coupons even mean?

His penis. Every guy names it.

That doesn't even make sense.

Who names their penis "coupon"?

Oh, well, this was a great idea.

- Thanks a lot. - No, it wasn't my idea.

- It was... - What do you mean it wasn't your idea?

- Well, it... - I mean, this was all your idea.

Okay, look, uh, just stay calm.

Stay ca... How am I supposed to stay calm?

They'll get bored eventually, and she'll reply,

as-as well as all the other Emilys.

You did the right thing.

Cha, cha, cha!

It's cute. I wish someone did it for me.

What, have the whole uni hunting you down?

It's not cute. It's unwell.

It's cute if he's fit.

Well, he's not, though.

What? No fit lad would do that.

And if he were fit, you'd make sure you get your number right.

No, he'll be an incel rat face, and not in a good way.

You can't know that from an email.

Please. He'll smell his own socks in his mam's basement.

Bet he's never seen a pair of tits in his life.

Please join me.

Okay. What do you think?

Can I use it?

Uh, please don't touch that.

It's part of the process.

And you verified there's no delusions,

disturbed thoughts, mania?

- No, he's fine. - Fine?

He hasn't signed it.

That email address is obviously an alias.

Right.

I think that negates self-sabotage.

Well, I-I considered that, but-but no.

I mean, the subject has no intention of hiding

any resulting relationship,

which will in turn expose his identity and hers.

"His penis, every guy names..."

Oh, here he is now.

No, that's...

That's... ugh.

What is your relationship with the subject?

Nothing. There's, uh, there's no relationship.

No undocumented communication,

nothing that would constitute researcher interference?

Uh...

Oh, there he is again.

Keen.

Uh, excuse me.

There's nothing in there

that will save you.

That's my private space.

Raine, your Donegan interview is imminent.

If there's anything you need to declare...

do it now.

There's nothing.

He's just data.

Good. Write it up.

You may exit the vehicle.

Please take this apple with you.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Thank you.

Come back to me, George.

Yes.

I reckon he made this Emily bird up

so he could shoot his shot at all of them,

- see who he'll smash. - It's not a bad idea, you know.

Hey, I'm gonna do it to the Jennifers.

Jennifers are hot.

"This is the final straw"?

I know I'm willingly taking it out of context,

- but that's a threat. - A thousand percent.

Dean, this is an attack on our security.

We demand to know what is being done.

I will wear a hood, but I'm not gonna wear a ball gag

because, you know, I've got the bad tooth.

Tell Tracy. All right, see you Friday.

Emily Thewlis. Always a pleasure.

Oh.

The university is aware of the breach,

and we're looking into it.

Right. And what are we supposed to do?

God knows what other information he has.

He could have our phone numbers, our addresses.

This is not safe for students.

And as president of the student union, I just feel this...

I'm aware of your worldly place, Emily.

Come on.

Off you pop.

I really can assure you, Madam President,

the safety of students is absolutely paramount.

Really? Because as far as I'm aware,

the creators of Upskirt Bingo

still have not been held to account.

And what about Pervy Martin and his peephole?

Now, Pervy Mart...

Martin has been questioned.

And we're still investigating Beaver Bingo.

As a woman in a position of power,

- you are preventing progress... - Do you know what?

I burned my bra. I've done the work.

You go and do some work now, too, okay?

Triggered. Triggered.

Someone's triggered.

It's a breach of our privacy.

No one wants to breach your privacy, love.

Great. See that? That right there is the issue.

This culture of toxic masculinity

left completely unchecked leaves them

thinking that they can just send us emails.

Aw, we can't send emails now?

All right, shut up, you ding-dongs.

Listen.

I'm sorry about everything.

The faculty is doing everything to maintain

the investigation into everything that's pertinent

to this.

Brilliant.

Now...

Now, tell me you didn't hack the school email

- and message every Emily. - No, I didn't hack it.

It comes up automatically.

Anyway, how does everybody know about this? What is...

Because of this.

"Every Emily. Jilt..."

- J... I'm not jilted. - Are you brain-dead?

Yeah, but I'm not jilted, though.

And anyway, it worked. She replied.

Well, at least she said it were her.

Had 20 others say it was her as well, so I guess

I'm just gonna have to find out which one's actually her.

Cool. How are you gonna do that?

I'm gonna send an email asking a question only she'll know.

No, no! Absolutely not. No more emails, Owen.

- I think it's actually illegal. - I don't think it is illegal.

And anyway, nobody actually knows it's me.

You.

- Yeah? - You were looking for Emily.

Yeah, no, yeah, uh, this Emily. Found her ages ago.

- Thanks. - Yeah. Yeah, you know,

- w-we're very happy together. - Mm.

Yeah, no, uh, this, uh...

- this shirt is a, it's a joke. - A joke.

I wear it so that all the-the boys

know that they don't stand a chance.

Like, don't even talk to me.

Can I just add quickly that I don't

make her wear that, though.

- That's, like, her choice. - No. Yeah, it's my choice.

Okay.

Hmm.

You clearly have an eye for a case.

You couldn't have manufactured it better.

I didn't manufacture it.

Uh...

Oh, I... I see what you mean. Yeah.

And what benefit do you see from

furthering your research

should you be granted the position here?

I'd like to explore the idea that romantic attachment

may have been beneficial at some point in human history

but is perhaps unnecessary today.

When we're infants, our survival depends

on a caregiver looking after us, feeding us,

protecting us from danger, and so naturally we attach to them.

But why do we need attachment in the romantic sense

when we're adults who can take care of ourselves?

I'd argue it's a, it's a by-product of human immaturity.

So, when it comes to romance,

you're saying we all need to grow up?

I'm saying that, um, that...

that I-I don't see a clear evolutionary benefit.

If anything, I mean,

a romantic attachment puts us back in danger,

at the mercy of-of predators who can take advantage.

So, I get an anonymous email from this sexy creep...

who's looking for a girl called Emily.

This is a total invasion of our...

Privacy is what we're talking about here, people.

If you guys don't want him, I'll have him.

Obsessed!

Is it the most lesbian-coded thing I've ever heard? Yeah.

Creepy-ass scavenger hunt.

Do I kind of wish I'd thought of it myself?

Absolutely not.

I could be the Emily you're looking for.

Who is the real Emily?

Girl, where you at?

This thing is everywhere.

I was asked by four people today if I was the Emily.

I feel like I'm in that documentary that we watched

where it started out about, like,

that one little weird thing, and then, and then boom,

townspeople went missing, some guy was a pedophile,

everybody was dead.

- Can I have one of those? - Yeah.

Sorry, you said he was a pedophile?

What? No, just an example.

Do you have any idea what you're doing to this guy?

I'm not doing anything.

Really?

You expect me to believe he just found those addresses?

Three days ago, he said he wanted to give up.

- Excuse me. - But that wouldn't help

your word count, would it?

What are you, the thesis police?

I did... I didn't know that this was gonna happen.

Yeah, but you're delighted it did.

My paper is actually gonna help people.

Especially Owen, and Professor Westlake agrees.

Oh, that guy is a prick.

Oh, please, can we just pay for the egg and cress?

- Yeah. - He's a living legend.

- He's famous in psychology circles. - Uh, sorry.

He put a first-year in a bin for asking for an autograph.

I really wouldn't take my cues off him.

Well, I'm not gonna take them from you.

I-I'm sorry. I just...

You've been trying to get Kyle to notice you

for-for months now, and-and I'm sorry,

I love you, Anna, but you could also benefit from my study

because I feel like you're making yourself look stupid.

Mm, wow, wow.

How do you even get your head that far up your own ass?

Kyle is textbook anxious avoidant.

Kyle is my boyfriend.

Where do you think I've been going every night?

Of course. You didn't even notice.

And you're saying I'm stupid?

But I'm not the one with "Emily and Tristan"

tattooed on my finger.

That was a joke, and it was his idea.

But he didn't follow through with it, did he?

And I'm saying this with love, but I can hear you making

those drunk phone calls to him, and it's embarrassing.

And remember when you pitched up

to his family holiday unannounced?

Babe, you need to read the room.

- I mean, read the room. - Okay, he asked me to go.

Okay, Emily, please, can you just go... away?

Please do.

Hey, you've reached Emily Raine.

Please leave a message.

Hey, you've reached Emily...

Hey, you've reached Emily Raine.

Please leave a message.

He should not be given a voice.

If predators can defend, then victims cannot mend.

That's right!

Put me on the podcast.

I am Emily!

Yes, I am Emily!

I stand with every Emily!

We will not be silenced!

E-M-I-L-Y,

take the hint, there's no reply!

E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint, there's no reply!

E-M-I-L-Y,

take the hint, there's no reply! - One more!

E-M-I-L-Y, take the hint, there's no reply!

And this... this is a message for the dean.

'Cause I know you're listening.

If you will not fight for your students' safety...

We will!

What are you doing?

Been trying to call you and everything.

What are you doing? Like, you blocked my number or something?

- Mm. Mm-mm. - What is it, then?

My-my phone's been, uh...

my phone's being weird. I'm sorry.

Um, Owen, you can't, you can't do this podcast.

- Why? - Because then everybody will know who you are.

Ah, this is like... everyone thinks I'm this weird, strange,

like, toxic, masculine, incel boozer who's trying to, like,

grope girls through their email and that.

It's all just got mad and out of hand,

and I just want to show Emily, you know,

that I'm not this weird psychopath.

Owen...

I'm really sorry.

What for?

The reason I offered to help you is...

Yeah?

I want chips, boom, and I want some curry.

Ain't that your guy?

No, wait, wait, wait.

Are you being serious right now?

Em. Em.

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Uh, I don't know. What time is it?

Breakfast, lunch, dinner?

Those are the key meals, yes.

And your tea.

Don't forget your tea.

- Hi, mate. I'm-I'm Owen. - Hi. Tristan.

- Ugh. - Yeah.

- Nice to meet you. - Sorry.

Sorry, I haven't quite been to bed.

I'm a bit, ugh, you know.

Coleslaw and chips.

Usual gross stuff.

I actually love coleslaw and chips.

It's-it's well nice.

Slimy.

So, I handed in my thesis yesterday. Boop-boop.

Two days early. It's a big slay.

Yeah, well, the 11th hour is not for me, so...

You need a sticky toffee study buddy?

Uh, not this time. Thank you.

Okey dokey.

Uh, right. I got to get back to Libby.

She's intolerant to sodium, but she loves chips.

It's a nightmare. All right.

In a bit.

Nice to meet you. See...

Ciao-ciao.

Hey. Oh, what'd you order? What did you get?

Hey, my mum used to have this great idea

how she'd get out of a situation.

She'd just pretend she had a burst appendix.

So let's just do that.

So I'll just pretend my appendix has burst.

- No, Owen, it's-it's fine. - What-what do you want to do?

Start robbing wallets or something?

Come on, let's just get out of here.

Grab your bag. Count of three, yeah?

Ready?

One.

Two.

Three.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, no, no. Hit my hands, hit my hands.

The hands!

Oh, my God, I'm s... I'm so sorry.

- I was shouting "hands" at you. - I didn't see.

I'm-I'm sorry.

You never done that before

where you hit someone in the hands?

I didn't see that that's what you did.

- I'm so sorry. - It's okay.

A good punch, actually.

Right.

- I got to get going. - Oh, wait.

You're gonna do the podcast?

Yeah, obviously.

Okay, well, just... just watch out for that-that podcast girl,

'cause I know she-she looks like Broadcast Barbie

and her hair smells like Christmas, but she is unhinged.

- Okay. - So just...

just stay calm, maintain eye contact,

and... and say her name a lot.

The brain loves hearing its own name.

It's, like, the most important sound in the world

to the brain, especially hers.

Okay. All right.

All right, great. Thanks for the advice.

Right, let's go.

Ah, that's my banana.

- Sorry. - It's actually my lunch.

Oh.

Sorry, I...

I thought, like, they're for everyone and that. Sorry.

Put that back together for you like that, look.

Still edible, that.

Just don't leave it over two hours.

Are we filming this, by the way? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, we stream everything on the uni website.

- Oh. - It's no big deal.

It kind of is a big deal, actually.

Wait, hang on a... wait, hang on a minute,

'cause I didn't know this was being filmed, though.

- Three, two, one. - No, wait, hang on a minute.

Don't do the... stop the count...

Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and welcome to this week's show.

So, our guest this week is

the man behind the mail.

Owen, thank you so much for

stepping out of the shadows to join us today.

A guy and a gal walk into a bar.

No, it is not the setup of a joke...

Oh, Christ, what you done now, lad?

But the precursor to an event

that has rocked the entire campus.

Last week, our guest met and fell for Emily,

one of the 318...

How is this news?

That received the now infamous email.

Who cares?

Now, my question is:

Was this a harmless romantic gesture

or just sexual harassment?

Ooh, I'm not sexually harassing her, Laura.

Okay, back away from the mic, Owen.

I'm saying I'm not sexually harassing her.

Okay, you wouldn't be the first person

to get turned down or wrong-numbered,

but you can't accept

that that's what's happened, can you? - No, I don't think

I was wrong-numbered. That's the thing.

Well, she didn't right-number you, did she?

Well, no, but she was in a rush.

She had a birthday she had to go to,

and her friends were shouting, so she just missed off a digit.

- Happens all the time. - Okay, are you aware that

women often employ friends

to help them in potentially dangerous situations?

- Yeah, I'm aware. - You know, fake calls,

pretending they need to be somewhere.

Your actions have actually started an army.

A 318-strong army of women

standing together, protecting each other

from men... predators like you.

What do you mean, predators like me?

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not dangerous or anything.

I just want to say as well, I've seen a pair of tits before.

Oh, you wish, mate.

What?

Ah, you little prick.

Actually, she spoke to me first,

which makes me prey, no?

- I'm actually prey. - Oh, right, so you think

- that if a woman speaks to you first... - I'm happy to be prey.

- Can I just clarify? - What?

- You think that a woman speaking to you first... - Yeah?

Means that she wants you romantically?

- No, that's not what I said. - You did say that.

- "She spoke to me..." - No. No, I was just saying

that she spoke to me first and asked me to dance. That's all.

- I think... - And I know, yeah, that dancing and speaking

doesn't mean that someone's attracted to you or, like,

is... has an interest in you, but I've spoken to enough girls

that haven't been interested in me to know the difference.

Do you know what I mean, Laura?

You felt there was a connection?

Yeah, there was a connection. There was...

I wouldn't be doing any of this if there wasn't.

And you really feel like you can tell that

after one just interaction?

Yeah. It was a great interaction.

Do you see that, for some people,

- this just seems crazy? - I think it's crazier

if I felt like this

and did absolutely nothing about it, right?

Owen, you're not a student here, are you?

- You're staff. - I'm a sound engineer.

I don't, like, mark papers and that.

And, like, a relationship with a student

is totally aboveboard. Looked into it.

Okay, great news, if you ever have one.

Look.

Here's what I want to know.

How did you get those addresses?

Uh...

Owen, you said you wanted to clear your name.

Now is your chance, live.

Did anyone help you?

Um...

N-Nah, I just, um...

I hacked, I hacked into the system.

He hacked the system. Interesting.

How would you hack a system?

Right, and while

you were hacking the system, did you stop and think,

"Is this what Emily wants?" at any point?

Uh, I just...

She wanted me to contact her.

She hasn't replied to you, has she, Owen?

Why do you think that is?

Another mistype? Another birthday?

If Emily was listening right now...

Yeah.

- What do you want to say? - Um...

Well, I wrote her a song.

- Oh, snap. - No.

Sing it.

I don't have a... don't-don't have a guitar, so...

Oh, no, we can sort that. Cheryl?

- Yeah? - Can we get a guitar, please?

- Yep. - Thank you.

That's all right. That's all right, Cheryl.

No, it's fine. It's her job.

Hey, hey.

We're getting the song! We're getting the song!

- She's actually excited. - She's got a guitar.

- She's... - I really don't like this. - Oh, my gosh.

- Um... - Go on, Owen.

This could be a bit, like, rusty. I-I don't know.

No, no, the song will be great.

You sure?

All right.

That's, like, cringe.

Oh, God.

Ah, yeah.

Oh, my gosh, he's amazing.

That's all I have right now.

What a guy!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Good luck with that, Owen.

- Thank you so much for joining us today. - Boo!

That concludes this week's episode.

It was definitely...

Well, that were undignified.

- Was it? - Martin.

Okay, thank you, Owen.

The true freedom in this life

is knowing you're cringe

and doing it anyway.

That guy is free.

I've been Laura Lewis.

He's been controversial.

And follow us for more.

I need to talk about this email dude!

He's won me over.

I mean, I'd like to be serenaded.

He literally hacked the system.

- I'm team Get the Girl. - It's the year of the yearners.

Can we just stop fetishizing white boys playing guitar?

Sea levels are rising.

Long-lost Gallagher brother sets off

chain reaction of shame and carnage.

He seemed like a decent guy to me.

This is a guitar tutorial for Email Guy's song.

All I am saying is that he is a very good singer.

- It was like Ed Sheeran. - I thought it was quite cute.

But if Ed Sheeran was on Watchdog.

Let's keep watching this chaos unfold.

That's...

- Hello. - Two.

Okay.

That is, um...

Straight, straight, straight, straight.

- I am. - What are you pair doing?

I think we got a buyer. Come on.

But, uh, I'm triple-checking the width of everything

because they're saying the plans are wrong.

You sure that's what we want to do, yeah?

- Yeah. - Like, that's what we're gonna do,

just sell to the first person

like it's the most casual thing in the world, yeah?

- Yeah. - Really?

She wanted us to stay in the house.

No, Mum wanted us to sell up

so we can use the money for ourselves.

No, I don't want any money. That's not what I want.

- Oh. - Nobody needs money. That's not...

Oh, yeah, really mature.

That's good doing that right now, innit? Yeah.

- Really funny. - I'll measure you in a minute.

- What are you, about that? - Oh, yeah. Ah, dead funny.

- About that? - Trying to have

a serious conversation with you,

and you're doing that. Just stop!

Owen!

Hang on a minute.

I'm getting a phone call.

Hello?

What, are you sure that's a good idea?

Whatever it is, it's not gonna be a good idea, is it?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. All right, okay.

I'll see you then, then, yeah?

All right. Bye. Bye.

Uh, can we talk about this properly?

No. I got to go and meet every Emily that's enrolled at uni.

Told you.

There's a party. She might be there.

Listen, just stop measuring things, all right?

Some things can't be measured.

All houses can be measured.

I think he meant sentimentally.

Oh.

Okay, this definitely wasn't a good idea.

Okay, oh, you're a bit close there.

Uh, right, just stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.

Here we go.

Save us a piece of that, babe.

Olives?

Does anyone want olives?

I think that might be her.

Yeah, behind you. Over there.

Oh.

Do you have one with goat's cheese?

Come on. Put them in here.

Come with me.

Thank you.

- All right, I'm just... - Oh, there's no allergens?

Uh, I'm lactose intolerant, so...

- Sorry. - Okay.

Oh, wait.

She's there.

In the red thing with the pigtails. The pigtails!

Where's the garlic sauce?

That is not a road-safe helmet.

Yeah, no, I-I got it from...

He's here! Somebody call the police!

Ah, no police at the Palmers' party house!

- He's gonna kill someone! - Whoa, hey, hey, whoa, whoa!

I'm not gonna kill anybody!

My mum's gonna kill me.

Run straight, man!

You're gonna be sorry, Owen!

Oh, my God, he's so fit, though.

My type.

Wait, how is this my fault?

Because I just gave you the helmet,

I gave you the pizzas, and all you had to do

was just go in there and tell me which one she was.

Yeah, and all you had to do was understand basic hand gestures.

- It ain't hard. - Right.

Maybe I would've understood them if they weren't like this.

Are you done, or you want to keep going? - No, I'm not.

- I'm not at the part... - Oh, you want to keep going.

- Okay, okay. - Where you ran off screaming!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do, stand there and fight, yeah?

Ah, great, that'll look good in tomorrow's papers, wouldn't it?

"Psycho stalker disguised as disco pizza guy

smacks up a hundred Emilys." Great.

Oh, you think you could smack up a hundred Emilys?

Ah, yeah, I-I knew you were gonna say that.

And, no, I don't, actually.

I have what's known in boxing as a glass chin.

You box?

- Nah, I've just got a chin. - Guys!

- Hello? - Fancy two-for-one drinks

or one-pound shots at Night and Day?

- Live band till 1:00. - Yeah.

Oh, these are actually great.

They used to be our support band.

Do you want to go?

I, uh, I-I have some work to do,

- but-but you should go. - All right, boring.

- You go. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'll go.

Yeah, sound. Night out on my own. Thanks a lot.

Ruin my life back there and then send me out on my own.

- Great. - Fine, fine. Okay, I'll come.

- Let's go, then. - I haven't ruined your life.

- You have ruined it. - No, I haven't.

Oh, listen. Let's just talk about this

- over a drink. - Okay, fine.

- Over a one-pound shot. - I'm not having that discussion

- we just had back there now. - Okay, great.

- All right. - Fine.

Talk about what's happened there in here.

- You good? - So good.

So good.

They're so good.

All right, Manchester, we're W.H. Lung.

How you doing?

- Going to the front. Let's go. - Oh, okay.

Yes, mate. You all right? How you doing?

- Yeah, yeah, good, yeah. Yeah. - Good.

- Come up onstage. Yeah, come up onstage with us. - Nah, nah.

Come onstage with us. Come on.

Yes, mate, you all right? You remember this one? Yeah?

This lad is one of our finest! Give it up!

Take it away, baby.

- Ow! - Sorry, love. You all right?

You okay?

- All right, let's go, let's go. - Okay.

- Ow. - Just be gentle, gentle.

- Uh-huh. - Gentle with it. Gentle.

Only press it gentle.

- Uh, gently. - Yeah, I am.

Ah.

- You okay? - How do I look?

- 'Angin. - What's that?

It's like, your face, it knocks me sick.

Thanks.

Cut looks good, though.

Proper hard.

Ow. Ow.

Please don't make me laugh.

I didn't know I could.

- Do you want this? - Nah. I'm okay.

- Looks good. - Just-just press it back on there.

Got blood on it.

You can't have more than 100% water.

- What do you mean? - You can't.

What about like 200%, then?

What are you saying?

Like, I'm just enjoying the kebab.

Ow.

Just wondering if you were for blue or red.

Quite important to know that.

Go, blue.

In a past life, I was definitely, like,

a medieval farmhand, and I had like seven

little sickly children...

- Ah, chicken! - With, like, little booties.

Can I get two chicken burgers, mate?

And if you deliver, can you take her home?

- We don't do any burgers. - Take her home, then.

Oh, you don't do chicken burgers?

They want chicken burgers. They can get just an order...

You can always get, like,

just normal kebab meat and get it in a pita.

- What? Who asked you? - I bet he works here.

No, I don't work here. I was just saying.

I don't want any chicken burger.

I didn't want any... Thank you, mate.

That's very nice of you...

I was just saying, like, I just thought...

Are you all right?

You some kind of hard lad?

- What do you mean? - Who likes hitting women?

- What? - Do you? Is that what you want to do?

Do you like hitting women?!

- No, no, no, no, no! - Do you know what that is?!

It's okay, it's okay.

No, no, no. It wasn't, it wasn't him, it wasn't him.

It was s... it was something else.

It was an accident at the club, and some guy ran into me.

- It's-it's fine. Don't worry. - Right.

- Yeah? - I'm okay, really.

But thank you.

This, uh, this lad is actually...

he's a really, he's a really good one.

- Okay? - Right.

- Right. - And he's-he's got a...

he's got a glass chin.

And actually... come on.

If you just, like, listen to his heart,

you can, you can hear...

- Pure weird this. - It is a bit weird, innit?

- Yeah. - Babe.

What?

- It sounds like... - His heartbeat.

Like Cardi B!

- Carl who? - Ah, amazing.

- Who's Carl B? - How have you done that, mate?

- Come on. - Wow.

Sorry.

Wow.

Okay.

You have got to get back into music.

You're so good!

And I know I said that already.

- Say it again. Say it again. - Okay, I'll say it again.

- You're so good. - Ah.

- I want to watch your band. - Nah.

- Yes. - Nah, nah, nah.

- There's no getting that band back together. - Ugh.

Two lads joined another one, and, you know.

I did some really bad open mics for a bit,

but then obviously my mum got ill

and I had to pay for treatment, and now...

Yeah. I don't know.

There's no money, like, in music anyway, is there?

So... yeah.

How long ago did your mom...

Uh... 364 days.

- Yeah. - I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

You know, afterwards,

I-I had this obsession with death for a bit.

But I'm-I'm over that now. I got, I'm just...

you know, looking at life instead of death.

That's me.

Nice. Nice place.

You really didn't have to walk me home.

Ah, what happens if I get jumped again?

You're my protection, ain't you?

Yes, that-that is true.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Don't want that happening, do I? - No.

Oh, my God, that's Email Guy.

- No way. Is it? - All right.

- It is? - Shh.

He'll hear you.

Well, anyway, I better get going before I hear them.

- Yeah. - You shouldn't have let me do that podcast.

Well, I told you not to.

Yeah, but you weren't very convincing, were you?

- Love makes you do mad things. - Nah.

I wasn't doing it for love.

I was doing it for me, clear my name and that.

Well, didn't you say it was love at first sight?

Uh, I don't think so.

Anyway, a lot's happened since first sight, hasn't it?

Yeah.

All right, uh...

Night, then, Emily.

- I'll, uh... - Oh.

- Night. - Yeah. See you later.

- Don't get jumped. - Nah, I'm gonna run.

- Okay. - See ya.

We are live.

We are here on campus.

Tensions are really rising.

Emilys are gathering in the masses.

And we want to know what you think.

Do you think he's a sexy pest or a sex pest?

Vote in the Instagram poll.

The dean is about to speak.

The safety of our students is our number one priority.

We are well aware of the recent security breach

committed by a junior member of staff

who was on probationary employment.

I can report his position within our institution

has been terminated with immediate effect.

Quite the stunt, Raine.

What do you mean?

Get this right, and the Donegan position

is surely gonna be yours.

15 hours to write this up and deliver.

You must be thrilled.

Don't think he's done anything stupid, do you?

When has he ever done something that isn't stupid?

Matt.

Let's stop worrying.

Look, I know my brother, all right?

Like, he'll be in a field somewhere shouting at the sky,

being all melodramatic,

and he'll probably write a song about it.

Owen.

Owen.

Thank God. Are you all right? Where are you?

I'm, uh...

Uh, I'm in the Peak District.

What did I tell you? He written a song?

Are you okay?

Look, uh, listen.

I'm... I'm not gonna have any money this month.

- Uh... - That's-that's okay.

It's not. It's not okay, though, is it?

I...

I just wanted to stay in the house, and I thought maybe I...

I know, Owen. I know.

But, um...

it has to happen.

And... we really need your help with this.

You know, we can't stay here forever.

I was supposed to be sorting my life out...

you know, for you guys, and, you know,

I promised her that I'd be all right, and...

instead I'm just some melt

that can't hold down a job and just...

can't see when a girl's trying to run away from me.

Nah, that was, that was a mix-up.

Was it? Is that what you believe, yeah?

Well, why didn't she reply, then?

She got the email.

I mean, one word would've just ended all of this.

There are a million reasons why she didn't reply.

- You don't know her. - I do know her. I do.

No, you don't. She's a stranger, Owen.

Anyway, it takes like two minutes

to reply to an email, don't it?

You're making this all about you.

A relationship is two people

with their own specifically complicated shit going on

just trying their best.

It's relentlessly disappointing and...

- imperfect and... - All right?

And magical.

But everyone thinks I'm an idiot now.

- No one thinks that. - They do think that.

One website called me a rapist virgin.

Not an idiot, though.

Look, you're gonna find someone who gets it, gets you.

Yeah, well, I thought I had.

There isn't just one.

Look, stay where you are.

Matt's gonna come pick you up.

And drop him a pin.

All right. Bye.

Bye.

If she was looking down on us now...

what do you think she'd say?

Probably, "Give over, you soft shite."

"Give over, you soft shite." Yeah.

Right, put it on.

Nah.

- You're gonna do it anyway. - Yeah.

Great.

Come on.

Ugh.

You don't know this bit, do you?

You're not unemployed.

You're fun-employed.

Let's be positive. We're gonna get you a job.

Are you that virgin that stalked the girl

- at the university? - I wasn't stalking her.

I'm not a virgin, either.

- Slept with people before. - How many?

- Just, uh... - Oh, don't answer that, Owen.

Is that a standard interview question?

Nah. Got to have your own moped.

What about that guy over there? He looks like the manager.

You want standard interview questions?

Who was the sound engineer

on Led Zeppelin's Houses of the Holy?

Eddie Kramer.

"The Day the Music Died" refers to

the tragic death of which three artists?

Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and The Big Bopper.

Sugababes' "Push the Button," what year was it released?

- 2005. - How many people have you slept with?

Two.

- You should talk to him. - All right.

Yeah, no, don't take that. Keep that here.

Yeah, I'm gonna pick that up.

- I'm gonna round that down to zero. - What?

And I'm not hiring.

Come on.

- Let's get a drink. - Nah.

- It's on me. - All right.

A clash steeped in tradition...

So, like, this Donegan thing,

you've made the short list. That's-that's amazing.

I still have to get a first in my dissertation,

but, uh, but, yeah, it's cool.

What's your dissertation about?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing. It's, uh, it's-it's boring.

Doubt that.

I am excited, though, not just 'cause it'd get me a work visa,

but I just... yeah, I really like it, you know?

Helping people figure themselves out.

Your mum must be proud. Are you guys close?

Yeah.

Well, we talk a lot, you know. We... I just...

I couldn't tell you what about.

She's got really into, like, telling me local news

from countries that neither of us are in.

I don't know where she gets this stuff, but, like...

like, "There's been a salad contamination in Hamburg."

Did you know that?

- Well, might be useful, though. - Yeah.

We don't really have deep conversations, I guess,

and, yeah, I just stopped trying to start them.

You know, I always felt closest to my mum when we were just

shouting at the telly, like answers at Wheel of Fortune.

90 Day Fiancé for me.

Nice.

Excuse me. I was just wondering if you were hiring..

Can we get a jalfrezi or something?

I'm so hungry right now.

Do you know what? I actually cook half-decent curry.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I live dead close by. Do you want to come over?

Cook for you. Uh, to pay you back for the pints and that.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, sounds great, yeah.

Oh, we can watch that, uh, new documentary,

um, about the-the murder

in the underground origami championships,

In Fold Blood.

What? What is it?

- It's her. - Who?

Amelie.

Her name's Amelie.

That's why she didn't reply,

'cause she didn't get the email, did she?

- Got her name wrong. - What?

- Well, how do you know? - Look.

"Hi. I think you've been trying to contact me.

My name's Amelie. I'm..."

My God, she wants to meet you tonight.

- That's... - Now what am I supposed to do?

Well, you go. I mean...

Yeah, it's... Amelie.

I mean, that's-that's...

that's what all this has been for, right?

Yeah, I mean, what, like, wh-what is it?

Is it a date or what? Like, I don't know.

What am I supposed to say, something like that?

- Wh-What am I supposed to wear? - Your green checked shirt.

- I should probably... - Yeah.

Uh, do you want, you want... Sorry.

Uh, do you want to...

Like, how you gonna get that jalfrezi, though?

You, uh, do you want to...

I'll just, I'll... I'll get takeaway.

- It's-it's-it's fine. - Are you sure?

Yeah.

Okay.

She's gonna love you.

Yeah.

Go. Go on.

Are you okay getting back and that?

- Like, you know the way? - Y-Yeah, yeah.

- You sure? Yeah? - Sure.

All right.

- Okay, go. - Go get her. - All right.

Go get her.

What the hell is that?

It's, uh... well, it was supposed to say,

"Sorry for being a..."

uh, but I-I ran out of icing.

I thought you'd find it funny.

But you don't.

I actually am really sorry.

Well, I'm not the one that needs an arsehole cake.

Have you told Owen?

No.

I will soon.

Fun update, though.

Um, Amelie with an "A" just texted him and said

she does want to go on a date.

Sor... Amelie?

You're f... you're kidding.

Which is... excellent.

Is it?

Yeah.

Okay, come here.

Come here.

I'm so sorry.

- What? - I love you.

I love you.

Are you getting married or something?

Like, how much did I miss?

Honey, it's the, it's the leavers' ball tonight.

Right. Yeah.

- Sorry, I forgot. - Oh, shush. Just...

Mm. Do you know what I've got the biggest urge to do?

I designed it with that in mind.

- Oh, my God, really? - Yes.

That's disgusting.

It's mousse.

Mmm.

Think I'm pretty?

- Hi. - Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

Took me about two weeks to get here.

Yeah, two weeks, exactly.

Better late than pregnant.

What?

Sorry.

Um, I make dad jokes when I'm nervous.

Actually, that's not even a dad joke.

That's from The Golden Girls, who you probably have

no idea about, and I can't claim

I've watched it myself, but I've seen the meme.

Okay.

I'm gonna go out and come back in again.

No, no, it's fine.

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, honestly.

I-I got you a beer. It might be a little bit,

little bit warm now, but yeah.

Oh, I saw you got sacked.

Yeah. Yeah, but you know what?

I'm better-better off out of that place anyway.

Do you know what I mean? Well, not-not financially or...

or professionally. I'm just...

But hey, I'm fun-employed, living life.

Is that, is that how you, like, heard about this or...?

No, I saw the interview.

Right.

All right, okay.

Why didn't you say anything?

Don't know.

Um...

I was away at the start.

When I came back,

it just felt like it had become this huge thing.

Yeah.

And everyone was looking for me, and it was all just...

a bit much.

Nah, yeah. Yeah, I could-could imagine.

It's all, it's all been a bit...

it's all been a bit mad.

Good evening, MCU. How we doing tonight?

Amelie.

I mean, what... what is she, French? What kind of name is that?

I mean, it's-it's pretty similar to yours, to be honest.

And to get in touch after all this time,

like, I mean, why, you know?

And the Electric Shuffle,

I mean, who suggests that as a meeting place?

It's-it's so... organized fun,

and-and-and the lighting is terrible,

and they have those fruity beers, which he'll hate...

Okay, just stop. Stop.

Listen. Stop, please.

I know why you are helping him.

Yeah?

You're into that soft lad, aren't you?

Yeah.

- No. No. - Yeah, look at you. Yeah.

No, I'm not, I'm not into anyone, okay?

I just... I actually have a whole spiel about

how romantic attachment is an evolutionary hangover.

I'm not gonna get into it right now, but I'll probably just,

uh, sleep with this guy, so...

Sweet.

I'm Callum.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stay, fragile tower of glass.

Stay.

Why do they have this?

This is playing with fire.

You decided what you're doing after graduation yet?

It's all hanging in the balance.

Terribly exciting.

Well, you'll be okay.

I-I never worry about you.

There was a time when I wanted so much

- for you to worry about me. - Sorry?

What? No, no, no.

I meant I-I don't worry because,

you know, you're brilliant, and you're clever,

and, you know, things always work out for you.

You're a phoenix rising and...

Are we good? You seem displeased.

At me.

I am. I am displeased.

I'm-I'm... I'm displeased at myself.

Shit. I'm-I'm...

I think I made things weird, and, you know,

I was trying to make things okay,

and then I didn't, and, you know, I don't know.

I'm...

I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry for these words.

Puke.

Honestly, Tristan, it, uh, it...

It doesn't matter.

Neck-deep in the ecosystem

of ancient Caledonian pine trees.

I study geography.

Um...

Yeah, I love pine trees, me.

Did you ever want to go to uni?

Wasn't ever really a choice.

It was just, like...

I had no money, and I-I didn't go to college.

I'm not really very academic.

But I've heard there's different types

of, like, intelligence and stuff, so...

Yeah, there are actually seven, I think. My-my...

Oh, my God. It's you.

- What do you mean? - You're the Email Guy, right?

Yeah.

Wait, are you Emily? Like, the Emily?

- My name's Amelie. - Amelie. Cool. Funny.

You know what?

- I need to tell the others. - Nah, you don't.

- You don't need to tell anyone. - Like... Emilys! Guys!

- Sorry. I'm really sorry. - There's a bunch of us here.

And thank you, by the way. We all met at the party.

So, uh, I think that's a cue to call it a night, yeah?

Maybe another time.

Listen, I'm, uh, I'm really sorry about, like, everything.

It's all just been a bit...

I never should've...

It's-it's cool.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right, well, maybe get yourself a bodyguard.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. See you around.

Yeah, that's, uh, way less likely than you think, but...

Gonna be okay getting home, yeah?

Come on.

Emily? Emily?

Oh, my God, shut up, mate!

Right.

- Stop it. Stop. - Oh, crap.

Oi! Oi, oi, oi! What are you doing?

Uh, just, uh, uh...

I don't know.

Owen! Oh, my God, bro!

- I love you. - Thanks.

Ch-Cheers, man. Cheers. Thanks.

Are you trying to break into the flat?

Uh... nah.

Nah, this is, uh...

I'm-I'm looking, I'm looking for-for Emily.

She-she-she said she lives in...

- Our flat. Our flat. - In that one maybe.

- "Our flat"? Wh... Oh. - Hi.

- Nice to meet you. - Yeah.

By the way, she left just before us,

so she'll be back probably, like, any minute.

- But shall we go inside? - Y-Yeah, if that's okay.

Were you about to climb the drainpipe?

Ah, yeah, I was thinking about it.

Incredible scenes.

Do you want me to take my shoes off, or...?

- No. - Nah, you're good, man.

- All right. - You're good.

- Tea? Tea? - Mm-hmm.

- Nah, I'm good. - God, I need a chamomile.

Mwah.

Could I use your toilet, actually, if that's all right?

Yeah, sure. It's just to the left.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, we're out of chamomile.

No, it's in the top.

"What is madness?"

"Romantic attachment self-sabotaging..."

And obviously she ain't gonna have

social media. Anyway, she's too cool, so...

You can't know everything about someone

- in 20 minutes. - Yeah, but

you know everything you need to know, don't you?

No, people only tell you

what they want you to know.

It's not what about you say, though.

It's... it's-it's about the vibe.

My professor, he wrote this amazing paper:

"Are we in love with the people in our lives..." - Owen.

"or just our projections of them?"

Love isn't something

that should be studied.

Well, actually,

a lot of people study love.

No, man, you can't look at it too long.

Otherwise it'll just disappear.

Owen, I...

I was... I was gonna tell you.

I actually, I-I... I went to see you tonight to-to tell you.

It just started as this project

for my degree...

I wanted to tell you.

I was going to...

Um...

I'm Emily. Is Owen here?

Uh, no.

Thanks.

Could you just tell him that I'm really sor...

Mate, look, it's done.

It's actually done.

You messed it up.

Okay, enough.

Come on.

Anna!

- I mean, you got 92. - You got a first?

It's just the written mark.

I still need to do my presentation.

So? You could literally go there,

take a dump on the desk

- and still get a first or 92. - Kyle.

Well, I'm not saying do that. I'm just saying she could.

Hello. You've reached Owen.

Leave a message after the beep.

Okay, come on. There's-there's got to be something we can do.

Here, have a fresh lemon. There you go.

It's really nice. No? Not the time?

Okay, Kyle, um, imagine that I'd lied to you

and played a small but vital role in making the whole world

think you're a psycho sex pest and got you sacked.

How would I win back your affection?

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

Gosh, it really is a tricky one.

Okay. Thanks, guys.

Super helpful.

Good morning.

Yes, that's right. I'm Laura Lewis.

Today we're talking about the ongoing destruction...

Actually, there's... there's one more thing I can try.

Dean, we want to hear from you.

We've signed petitions.

We've held marches.

We want to know when it will end. There is...

Sorry, just a small technical going on here.

She's Emily.

Hi. I'm Laura Lewis, and we are back with breaking news.

There are two sides to every story.

And last week, you'll remember our guest,

the infamous Owen, on his quest to find dream girl Emily.

Today we are joined by none other than Emily.

How is this still happening?

Emily, good to have you. Welcome to the podcast.

- This is bad. - This is not good.

Now, I just want to make things clear, just to clarify.

You are not the Emily, are you? Not dream girl Emily?

Uh, no.

No, fraid not.

From what you've just told me, you are the Emily

who he trusted to help him find her

and in the process was branded a toxic incel?

A true crime Ed Sheeran?

A northern Don Juan?

The thirstiest man on campus...

- Dean. - Do you see the sign?

- I'm on a bike break. - You're gonna want to see this.

To what extent do you think

that his behavior actually warranted this response?

Well, not-not at all.

I-I don't think it's-it's warranted.

You feel at all responsible?

Very, yeah.

I've-I've been really selfish.

Look, he's blocked my number.

Oh, well, that sounds like his first rational decision.

- So, what were you trying to prove by... - Please.

I'm-I'm just here because I want

to apologize to him, to everyone.

I know I've been an asshole.

No swearing, please. We're pre-watershed.

Cheryl, the disclaimer.

Owen, if you're listening,

my final presentation is tomorrow.

Please come.

I think it might help clarify a few things.

And I really am very sorry, but I think I can explain.

She hopes she can explain.

All will be revealed.

Tomorrow, 2:00 p.m., the Stoller Hall.

We'll be live on the ground bringing the best coverage.

Follow us and follow me for more

at LauraLewisGlobalMedia.com.

Cheryl, run the tags.

I'm running the tags.

- The tags? - Yeah.

Down below. Comment, like, subscribe.

Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for more.

I think you should go, hear her out.

I might agree.

Yeah, well, I've heard enough from her, actually.

Thanks a lot.

Can't get any worse.

Oh, yeah, well, somehow it always does.

Listen, guys, thanks for your interest and that,

but I'm not gonna go, okay?

So, did time stand still with this one?

No, it didn't, actually. It rushed past.

Well, there you go.

Don't bother, then.

Therefore, though today's practices of self-care

are classified as modern and innovative,

it's actually a direct rephrasing

of ideas grounded in...

Is Owen here?

These theories take a holistic approach,

embracing the individual experience,

ideas of the psyche,

shadow work and spiritual longing, which we would...

Nervous?

I've seen you moping about.

Whatever you're about to do, don't.

Don't throw it all away on a dopamine hit.

The fleeting rush of

telling someone, "I love you."

Actions have consequences.

A butterfly flaps its wings.

And so on.

And self-actualization.

Sound familiar? Thank you.

In your own time.

We are live. We are here at Stoller Hall.

Emily Raine is about to speak.

Toni Morrison declared romantic love to be

one of the most destructive ideas

in the history of human thought.

I have been obsessed with this idea.

My thesis sought to establish a link between

romantic attachment and self-sabotaging behavior.

"Madness," to quote Freud.

And I succeeded.

However, m-my findings are not in response to my case study

but to my true subject:

myself.

In the latter stages of my research,

it became apparent that I had...

fallen for my original case study.

And in doing so,

made self-sabotage a foregone conclusion.

One you're witnessing right now.

Owen didn't hack the system.

I gave him the emails.

- Emily. Emily, stop. - I... I thought it wasn't cool

to-to disprove my own hypothesis, and...

I was wrong.

And I'm-I'm sorry.

Romantic attachment may be an evolutionary hangover,

but I-I think it's vital for human connection and growth.

I know a-a psychologist cannot accurately analyze themselves,

but it's my opinion that it's impossible

to externally monitor love.

From the outside, it all seems...

incoherent, illogical and impractical,

and-and only from the inside does it make complete sense.

I'm so sorry.

- There she goes. - Mm.

Go and get him, Emily.

Owen!

Well, what was all that about?

Uh, I was trying to apologize.

But that wasn't for me, was it? That was for them.

So you can get a first

or-or a visa or whatever.

Oh, no, we're gonna hear the whole thing.

Are you kidding? I just... I just threw a grenade at my life

doing a grand gesture, trying to get your attention.

So you think grand gestures is what I want?

- I want people to be honest with me. - Wh...

Emily, that's what I want.

I want you to be honest with me.

Just tell me how you feel.

Well, I literally just said it

in front of a whole room full of...

I like you.

I like...

I-I-I like how you always ask questions,

and I-I like how you tuck your hands

into your sleeves when you're nervous.

And I-I like how you talk so passionately

and so boringly about the, about the Champions League.

And-and your relentlessly positive outlook on love

is unwell, but you make it seem healthy.

And you're... you're kind and you're funny.

You make me laugh, and...

you made me see the world in colors I never knew existed.

Think you might have the wrong idea.

I've only come here 'cause, like,

I've got a message from your dad.

So...

Right.

What happens now?

Did you get all of that?

Cute.

Okay. You're up.

All right, everyone say "Emily!"

Emily!