Original subtitles

So, ladies

Straight to the high point of our meeting, our guest speaker.

I'm very pleased to welcome Alan Rathbone from York, who's going to be

giving us a talk on the history of the Milk Marketing Board.

Thank you, Alan.

Good evening, ladies of the Women's Institute.

Ladies, I'd like to welcome Iris Benton from Ilkley.

She's come to lead us through the fascinating world of rugs.

I beg your pardon, Iris. I stand corrected.

It's not just rugs. It's all forms of carpeting. Oh, thank God.

For a minute there, I thought it was going to be dull. Thank you, Iris.

Our round-the-world cruise started in September in Skipton.

when we booked the tickets.

That's them.

They were a special offer and it was essential, my wife told me, to book them

before the 25th of the month.

Thank you.

I

don't know

about you ladies.

But can I just say, Pauline, I had no idea that broccoli could be so

intriguing.

Thank you.

Now then, ladies, can I have a volunteer to draw the raffle?

No. Yes.

No. All right, I'll ask him.

You volunteer your own husband.

Oh, yeah, right. What's Rod going to talk to the WI about?

Oh, yeah, exactly. That's exactly what John would say.

What the hell am I gonna speak about? But John, I don't care. Whatever it is

is gonna be better than the bloody history of the cauliflower.

Whatever it is, we've got waiting for us next time. Right, one second. Arnie,

Arnie, tell him. John, the whole point of the WI is... Hey, listen to me.

Arnie, what is the point of the WI?

Enlightenment, fun and friendship.

Well, there, you see, it's right. It's them...

Them things. Well, obviously, in my case, it's something you did because

your mother wanted you to, and then she went and died. You love it.

One seed in each pot. You're bloody useless, you are.

Oh, look.

Is that all right, like that?

I took the Armin wedding, but the carnation table front needed to be done

for that conference in Gaisley.

Good Lord, nagging lilies.

And I couldn't find the order form.

I thought after your fantastic

reorganisation, all the order forms had to go on the bent nail.

Are you going upstairs to do your homework?

What happened yesterday?

Gem? Mum.

Oh, he's a little devil, is that crow?

He'll have all them seedlings if we don't do something.

Something we need to have a little... a little chat about.

Annie? Don't leave me.

Don't leave me. Hey, Tommy.

Hey.

Hey, hey.

I'm not leaving you.

You're a soft girl.

At least I bloody hope not.

So, you know, what kind is it he's got?

Says he's gonna call it Saddam Hussein.

told us.

I'm your oldest friend. You should have told me the moment you found out.

I did.

No big hoo-ha, though, okay?

Okay. It'll just make it easier for him to get back to normal when he gets out,

you know, and the tests are clear.

Yeah.

And everything.

We've done everything,

haven't we? Come on.

Look at them.

My guild, WI.

Does look pretty, though.

Whose side are you on, Brutus? No, I didn't mean... What's your event, by the

way?

Tea tray on an international theme.

I did Jamaica, but it could be anywhere in the Caribbean.

Yes. You know, if more people did WI, they'd be half the need for

hallucinogenic drugs.

Good rules.

International tea tray.

Victoria sponge.

Annie's on Victoria sponge.

Something for under a pound.

Kathy. Kathy. That's it. Where's that?

What's that?

Well, Annie wanted our time running Yule Brynner in and out of Skipton General,

so... Ta-da!

Oh, I'm sorry.

It just took a bit longer.

Oh, my God, the cake.

Told you. It's all right. Chris has saved the day.

You baked that?

I'm not a total dead loss as a woman.

I can't knit or make plum jam, but I can't bake a bloody Victoria sponge.

All right. Of course, I didn't actually bake this one. I got it from Marks and

Spencer's, but, you know. What? The point is... You can't answer a cake that

you've bought in a shop. It doesn't matter where it comes from, does it?

This is about putting up a united front against high guilt.

This isn't bakery.

It's Zulu.

Will the parents of the young lad in the Sparkman T-shirt please meet him under

the gorilla?

Now, excitement in the main tent, where the WI judging's begun.

Julie's back.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The winner of this year's May Wilkinson trophy for Victoria sponge maximum 12

-inch diameter, I'm pleased to say is entry number 213.

Nice knowing you, Chris.

Oh, that's interesting.

Entered by Napling WI and baked by Chris Harper.

Thanks, thanks very much. And I'm proud to say this cake also wins the

judges 2002 discretionary award.

Listen,

I never normally ask this.

The lightness of that sponge.

Is there a trick, a technique, how you got that?

Well, I basically stuck to my mother's advice about cake baking.

Yes.

Which is...

Line the bowl with butter.

Always use a warm spoon.

And if it's a special event, get it at Miles and Spencer's.

This is very good.

Of course it's good.

It'll give the May Wilkinson out lightly, you know.

In fact, I'm going to be asked to do a masterclass at the WI.

Oh, that'll be interesting.

Well, now I'm supposed to do one.

Something. Yeah.

WI. Oh, don't you want that?

I tell you what, if you want me to do it, you'd better get it in quick.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Kiss.

They ran out as a desire.

You're not going off to up without a kiss. Look, I go out every Thursday.

It's not an overseas posting.

Kiss.

Firstly, how else could we start than by congratulating Chris on not only winning

the Mae Wilkinson, but also the judges' discretionary ribbon.

Now, the

next item on the agenda is the calendar.

Last year, we had views of local bridges.

So this year, I thought we could go for the 12 most beautiful views of... George

Clooney. ..the churches of Wharfdale.

11 fully clothed and a little lift-the-flop for December.

Chris?

No, no, nothing.

She said George Clooney.

No, no, Marie, I'm fine, you know, with whatever.

Churches of Wharfdale it is, then.

You be bloody George Clooney. I mean, come the toss between Bernthal Church

and George Clooney, I know which one I'd rather wake up looking at. Hey, it is a

Norman church, you know. Oh, I'm not disputing the loveliness of the church,

John. It's the firmness of the buttocks I'm worried about.

Hey, careful, you'll put your drip out. Anyway, let's face it. Oh, hey, to be a

revolutionary, it might actually sell a few copies.

Yeah, the WI posing pouch calendar.

Less sales, I tell you. Yeah?

Right, decided.

So, where do we get a photographer?

Art college.

It's full of charlatans who prostitute their talent for money.

Is it? Yeah.

Lawrence was telling me.

Hey, you want to see this kid's photographs?

Yeah, but don't go on about them.

He's taking some of my sunflowers to see how they're getting on.

See, it's not your photographer, it's your models.

Professional models cost a bloody bomb.

I'll model for you for now.

No, thanks, John. I've just seen your backside, and believe me, it's not like

George's.

Bloody city.

They're gonna need another relatives room.

For the relatives of the relatives who got injured on the city in the bloody

relatives room.

So, did you talk to the specialist?

John seems chirpier to me today. What's the old, um, pneumonia and septicemia?

Oh, that's good. I've heard of those.

They can deal with those, can't they?

It means his immune system's weakened.

Chemo isn't working.

Which means we're finally out of straws.

Don't you go buying any benches.

Do what the hell I like, John Clarke.

You put a bench out here.

I've written this speech.

W-I. All right.

I did it about my job and all this.

You read it to me.

Flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.

Every stage of their growth is more beautiful than

the last.

But the last phase is always the most glorious.

Very quickly, they all go to sleep.

Cheeky Peck.

A while ago I asked John Clarke to give us a talk here at Napier WI.

Annie asked me to read it to you here tonight and this is what he wrote.

The flowers of Yorkshire are like the women of Yorkshire.

Every stage of their growth has its own beauty but the last phase is always the

most glorious.

Then, very quickly, they all go to seed.

Which makes it ironic.

My favourite flower isn't even indigenous to the British Isles, let

alone Yorkshire.

I don't think there's anything on this planet that more trumpets life than the

sunflower.

For me, that's because of the reason behind its name.

Not because it looks like the sun, but because it...

follows the sun.

During the course of the day, the head tracks the journey of the sun across the

sky.

A satellite dish for sunshine.

Wherever light is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it.

And that's such an admirable thing.

And such a lesson in life.

You ran into a gate. How'd you do that?

You what?

He does a paper round. It pays for his elocution lessons.

Yeah, well, he's bent these good style.

It'll be, uh... It'll be 25 quid, that, love.

I have to have it.

Mum?

Ted, would you mind if I borrowed this?

No.

Moving gently into the locust.

And then... we have... the lion.

I have to admit, I'm concerned about our great leader's grasslap, Taichi.

And into the llama.

Llama? Llama?

Okay.

Are you all looking in the right direction?

How's Annie?

How can we help, do you think?

Are you doing anything tomorrow afternoon?

It is, I'm telling you.

Girls laughing's a good sign.

It's a top sign, I tell you.

Bloody hell, if you're in with Debbie Nolan, I've been unsound here, but she

has got the most fantastic tits.

She has got for her mangoes.

Actually, not mangoes.

I don't imagine they'd be hard like mangoes.

Maybe plums.

Right plums.

You know, big right plums.

Oh, what am I seeing?

No, not plums.

Balloons.

That's it.

That's exactly what they're like.

A pair of balloons you find behind your city three days after a party.

Gaz, will you stop talking about tits?

Why would I ever want to do that?

Well, I think it's a great idea.

You weren't concentrating, were you, Ruth?

I was.

We're going to raise money for the hospital to buy a sofa in John's name.

By posing for a nude calendar.

Oh, no.

Oh, sit down. I'm not asking you to straddle an Arlie Davidson.

It's still a bit of a leap from Burns or Churchill.

Yes, but that's the whole point.

You see, like, it's an alternative calendar.

It's, um... It's what John suggested.

Did he?

The last stage of the flower is the most glorious.

So what this calendar would be saying is, yes, John, actually, we agree.

With respect, I didn't hear him use the phrase, whip your bras off.

It's £999 in the leather, that sofa.

Can I remind you how much last year's calendar raised?

£75.60.

Are you having it?

Oh, we're having it, all right.

Come on, I'll show you at home.

Yeah, we'll get back to you.

She's... I don't know, she's being weird.

Normal weird or weird weird.

She found this.

You kidding?

Big bazookas? I saw her looking at it.

God, I bet she went off her head.

My mum did when she found me rubber housewives.

It's a difficult age.

Round about now, women go through a difficult age.

When they get all irrational and odd and difficult to predict.

How do you know?

Me dad told me.

Right. No.

Bruce. I've got to go anyway.

Eddie's getting back from Ilkley.

Nobody's going to see anything, I promise you. You take the picture. Oh,

I'm not quite sure how to... No,

not yet. Wait.

We've just taken one of the tables.

We'll sell them as a calendar.

Is that one out? Yeah, but it's very sensitive. Right.

Can anyone see my nipples?

You bloody would if it were your mum.

Look, what's she done?

Flicked through one jazz mag and looked at a mucky calendar.

That doesn't make her a lesbian.

Hi, Jeff.

Your mother's... Just... Just going

upstairs with your friend, OK?

How was Oakley?

How'd it

go? Oh, you know,

they're not a scintillating lot, carpet dealers.

They only get excited about bonded underlay.

Coming to bed?

Aye, in a bit.

Just having a wind-up.

any more announcements of redundancies.

Come for my photos.

Can't find my little, you know, receipt thing. The name's... Here they are.

It's £4.99, please.

Thank you.

Keep the penny. Thank you.

I'm surprised they printed it. It's probably on the internet by now.

By the sound of it, most people have seen it already.

I mean, lots of people have their photos taken with their tops off on holiday in

Ibiza, don't they? I think it just probably came as a slight shock, Chris.

What with the previous 15 photos being the flower arrangements.

Oh, I've screwed up a bloody gen, haven't I? Yet a bloody gen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, what we have to ask ourselves here is this.

What is the difference between this and the Venus de Milo? Oh, I love quizzes.

A cooker?

Celia.

Both feature women with their breasts exposed. What makes one a work of art?

I think the answer to that's very simple. An artist.

An artist.

She's lovely.

It's a lovely light you've used on the face there.

It's really got her eyes, hasn't it? And all those curls.

So have you photographed many humans or is it mainly... It is mainly poodles.

The blood represents globalisation and the sheep skull is the death of

democracy.

And the carrot?

Carrot is capitalism.

Mainly orchids.

I'm particularly interested in woodland orchids and butterflies.

I love photographing native butterflies.

What exactly is your project?

Hello, ladies.

This is crazy.

He won't remember.

I see thousands of people come through here every day.

Mrs. Clarke?

John's wife?

Yeah.

Hiya.

Hiya.

Are you serious?

You've got 12 women in Skipton who are all committed to doing a nude photo

shoot. Well, technically we haven't got 12.

So long as we can find the right photographer.

55 years old.

So if I'm not going to get him out now, when am I?

It's the whole showing your breasts issue that concerns me. Well, I think

the whole point is that we don't properly.

I know. That's what concerns me.

Heroes are good, are they? They're tremendous.

Jessie, we're getting to the point now where we really need to commit.

Now, I know you need to... No front bottoms.

What?

I mean, just as long as it's no front bottoms.

That aside, I've reserved for just one man of my life.

Right, well, do you think your husband or mine? It wasn't my husband.

Of course you've got a body worth looking after. Just look at that

parking. Ruth, doesn't it annoy you when people take two spaces?

Look, look.

None of us have got a body worth looking at.

No, well, that's not... We're not all Chris's in this life.

Some of us are Ruth's.

I'm sorry.

Ruth.

Ruth?

Right, I did a bit of thinking about this calendar.

OK,

I think there's a trick we could play here.

At first glance, it should look like your classic WI calendar.

You know, all your jams, cake, sewing and all that.

Everything you'd expect.

Except for one tiny thing.

The person doing it is... ..naked.

It's perfect, Lawrence.

It really is perfect.

A different girl for every month.

Different guys, painting, press.

Until December, when I thought we could do a group photo of you all together,

you know, singing a Christmas carol.

That's great.

That's great.

It's just one small problem. What?

The photographer's a man.

Yeah, but the point is we won't actually be showing anything.

In the photos, I imagine a considerable amount will be on display in the room.

That's a point.

Look, you'll have to be in the room to take the photos.

With us naked.

Nude.

Now, listen, an art photographer doesn't see a naked woman.

He sees a life model.

Yes, now, the nudity isn't important.

That's easier to say when you've got your knickers on.

No, but you'll be looking at us.

As an artist.

I've heard that one before.

Have you?

Look, he's not that kind of bloke. I've heard that one before, you know.

Where is he?

I mean, have you any idea how intimidating it is to come in here in

front of you lot?

How much it's taken that young man to do that.

Of course we're not going to go around parading ourselves in a room full of

men.

This isn't France, for God's sake.

Lawrence will set up the photo, leave the room.

Dressing gowns come off and one of us will click the shutter.

Right.

Lawrence.

I think these girls have got something to say to you.

Sorry. Sorry.

I will not cease from mental fight.

Nor shall my sword seem in thy hand, Till we have

built Jerusalem In England's green

and pleasant land.

Right. Has anyone any activities planned we might want to seek approval

for at National Conference?

Only it's always wise.

We wouldn't want to do anything without approval from National Committee.

Not with Napoli being such a proud WI, with an unblemished reputation.

Where it would take only one small act by a few rogue individuals to ruin a

reputation that we've spent all these years... All right, all right, all

right. Look, we're planning a calendar for John, everyone.

Yeah. It's to raise money for, well, to buy something for the relatives' room

in Napoli General.

And?

And with us on it.

One for each month.

And?

Well... That's about it, really. Naked!

Not naked.

Nude. What's the difference?

Art.

And seeing Marie's raised the issue, we're a good few months short.

Is that not because all this has the air of another one of Chrissie's great

ideas? Like the vodka-tasting night?

No, no, because I'm going to make sure this one turns out OK, Marie, because

it's for John.

It was inspired by John, and it's for John, and it's because of John.

And no matter what you might think of the idea, Mari, you're looking at

January.

February.

March.

Yes. Chris,

do we have to make any special preparations?

Oh, no, no. These pictures are going to be us girls as we come.

Oh, God.

Grey hair, cellulite, the lot. Oh, no.

Remember, the last phase is the most glorious.

Do you have any pictures of Rennie Russo?

A week?

I know.

It's a client. He does... You know, this new chain of hotels.

Northern Summit.

Shall I come?

What?

Oh, save your sanity, love.

You know, it's carpet.

For race dragsters, it might be something worth watching.

Oh, darling, come on.

Your ball's over there.

I'm coming, Frank.

T-minus two hours. Bras off to avoid strut marks.

As we speak, darling.

As we speak.

Darling, come on. Good girl.

So we're going to go.

We're going to go.

That's the decision.

That's the decision.

We're going to go and tell them we're not going to do it.

Okay.

You have to realise I've never appeared nude in front of anyone in my life.

Not even Frank?

Frank's a major.

We approach nudity on a strictly need-to-know basis.

None of us have been here before, love.

I mean, for God's sake.

My John didn't see me naked until the spring of 1975.

What happened in the spring of 75?

There was a lizard in the shower block at Abergele.

Quite a few people saw me naked that morning.

Oh, that's not fair.

Right.

She don't post.

She do post.

They'll never go through with it.

Ladies, just bring the lamp up a bit. Raise the lamp for me. No, don't.

OK.

Right.

Annie, Chris, can you just clear frame for me? Yeah.

OK,

Celia, just lean in toward the camera a little bit.

Right.

Look. Perfect.

Ready.

Um... Okay.

Lawrence, we're going to need considerably bigger buns.

Don't the buns flat?

No, don't mess with the buns.

I like them like this. They cover more.

No, don't touch the composition.

No, but Lawrence, were the top buns flat?

They're flat.

Yeah, but flat for her, so flat for her.

Don't touch the buns.

Please.

Sorry.

Bad girl.

One-toucher.

She's got to look relaxed.

And bloody relaxed.

And she's got a smile.

And smiling.

Not too much.

I want it enigmatic.

She looks like she's seen somebody she knows in the distance.

Left side up a little.

Your right side down a little.

And the middle section sort of... God's sake, get bloody Botticelli in here.

Lawrence. Hiya.

Get in here.

Chin down to your left.

You look beautiful, Celia.

Okay. We're away.

I used to be in boundaries, and it isn't one way or another.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's certain.

Come on, Selden. It's your own time you're wasting.

I was his junior school teacher.

What did she say about relaxing you?

Where the hell?

You upsets me baby Yes, you upsets me baby

Like being hit by a falling tree Woman, woman what you do to

me

You upset me.

Cup of tea, girls?

Well, you upset me, baby.

Girls like being hit by a falling tree.

Woman, what do you do to me?

There's no E-flat in Jerusalem.

I think you'd be a bit disappointed if they're looking at your fingers.

Oh. Alright.

Are you doing this one?

What's your name?

Ruth. Ruth.

I'm Lawrence, photographer.

One minute.

Lawrence? Lawrence, who's next?

Ruth.

Ruth? Ruth?

No, no, wait, Lawrence.

Right,

let's do it.

You know, surprise.

Congratulations. It's a calendar.

Yes, yes, black and white with just one colour.

Oh, I don't know, 300... 400...

No, 500 copies.

So, how much would that be?

Thank you.

Get back to you.

It's never that much. It bloody is.

We're looking for sponsorship, and my husband always used your products, you

see. He worked for the National Park.

John Clarke?

Yes, yes, that's right.

He died of leukemia. Aye, I know.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

What do you need sponsorship for?

Okay, um...

Right,

we're getting there.

The sunflower needs to leap out at you. More yellow.

Quiet! Look, look, you can't...

I'll bead you love. It's my birthday in July.

My divorce came through in March. I'd like to be September.

Murray! I'm not disturbing you, am I?

I was just passing.

Oh, I bought, um... They're nothing much.

Oh! Oh, they're lovely. Come on in.

I never felt I really knew John.

He worked for the National Park, didn't he?

Mm.

I just wanted to say, Annie, if there's anything... These are beautiful.

What are they? Are they gerberas?

Gorgeous.

You should get away for a bit. Have a holiday, you know.

Get out of Napoli.

Trying to get rid of me?

No, no, I just... I feel I have to say something, Annie.

More tea?

No, no.

I do know how difficult things must be for you at the moment. How you must be

feeling.

Do you?

Oh, dear.

Do you think John would have approved of this, Annie?

Really? You didn't know John, you say?

No, but I know that he was a good man, a decent man.

If your concern is for the reputation of Napoli WI... No, that's not what I'm

saying. Well, I think it is, Mari.

The WI is about doing good.

And I think we have to ask ourselves, what does more good?

Knowing slightly more about Broccoli one week than we did the last.

Or providing some comfort for someone in the worst hours of their life. Because

that's what it's like, sweetheart.

And no, I don't think you do know how I feel.

Anne!

Three locks!

Oh. Oh, hello, Mari.

Sorry, were you... I don't know, Mari. Had you finished?

If you want to put a penny in with those, they last longer.

Chris. Don't ask.

What's the result?

Of good as a sponsor.

What?

To those boring old farts at Carmichael's, we need to say hello to

the lovely people at Jennings.

The beer?

All our printing costs and a press launch.

But beer... And then all we have to do is put their little logo thing at the

bottom of each page.

No, but... The seed company made sense.

Because, you know, John loved flowers, but he never drank beer, Chris.

You know that. It's not about the beer, Annie. It's about the money.

There it is.

Well, have a look.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Hello, is this at Skipton News? Could I speak to your publicity person, please?

We don't think we need it. Well, it's just I want to make an announcement.

Sorry, Madam Chairman, can I just... Sorry, sorry, Madam Chairman, I'm sorry,

sorry.

It's Nakely.

Sorry? In Yorkshire. Charming.

Listen, I'm sorry to bother you in the middle of conference, but there's an

issue come up at my WI which I feel duty bound to inform you of.

Well, you'll have to be brief.

That's fine.

She wouldn't have done it deliberately.

Absolutely. I hate to use the word that. No.

It might have just slipped out. Oh, yes, to Brenda Mooney, who happens to be

Madam Chairman of the National WI Federation.

Well, we could just... Maury has deliberately poured poison down there.

Well, we'll just... Do what? Do what, Ruth? I mean, please tell me.

Seeing as 500 calendars are being printed as we speak...

We can't use the name Women's Institute. We just don't use it.

If it's not the Women's Institute, it's just a load of middle-aged women

mysteriously standing naked behind fruitcakes.

Oh, my God, it would look like pornography.

But I don't know what's on the order for.

Look, it's under the tin can where the bent nail used to be.

You're just going to have to sort this one out on your own, sweetheart.

Why?

Where the hell are you?

Tell you later.

I'll be back tonight for the press conference. Bye.

Oh,

uh, Chris Harper and Annie Clark from Napoli to see Brenda Mooney.

Are you official delegates?

Yes. No, from Napoli.

Yes, from Napoli.

And you're here to do an open spot?

Yep. Mm-hmm. All right, follow me.

We're in.

and spot. Sounds painful. I don't know.

Very last minute. Have to go on straight away.

On where?

I don't know.

Which WI are you? We're from Lakeland. A lot of them.

Oh. Exactly.

Um, Brendan.

Sorry, Madam Chairperson.

Conference, please.

Sorry, I beg your pardon.

Address the whole conference, please.

The final open spot of the morning is the delegate from Napoli.

Napoli.

I... We wanted to come

to ask approval from...

Well, from you all.

We want to do a WI calendar which raises enough money

to buy a chair or a seat, a sofa

or anything really.

Okay, so the thing is, here, is that the hospital local to us in

Napoli is where my... Where...

My husband.

Thank you. Napoli?

Best of luck with the settee. No, no, no, just hold on. Just hold on a minute

with your red light.

Sorry, does the other member for Napoli want to say something?

Yes, because she's about to commit heresy.

Hello.

Here we go.

Look, I ate plum jam.

I only joined the WI to make my mother happy.

I do. I ate plum jam and crock of cakes. I can't make sponge.

In fact, seeing as it's unlikely that George Clooney would actually come to

Skipton to do a talk on what it was like to be in E.R., there seems very little

reason for me to actually stay in the W.I.

Except suddenly, suddenly I want to raise money.

In memory of a man I loved. And to do that, I'm prepared to take me clothes

off for a WI calendar.

And if you can't give us ten minutes of your time, Madam Chairman, then... Well,

then, frankly, guys, I'm going to do it without council approval. Because there

are some things that are more important than council approval.

And if it means that we get closer to killing off this shitty, cheating,

sly... conniving bloody disease that cancer is. Oh God, I tell you, I'd run

round Skipton Market naked, smeared in plum jam, wearing nothing but a knitted

tea cosy on me head and I'm singing Jerusalem.

Let's break.

Ten minutes.

We don't do nudity.

But we do do charity.

Can I assume this is a local fundraiser? And you're not going to be making too

big a hoo-ha out of it?

In which case, it's a branch matter.

And I can leave any decision in the hands of your branch president.

Thank you.

Oh,

sod it. Go on, then.

Evening news? Yep. Morning Herald? Done. Oh, the Gazette. Did you invite the

journalists from the Gazette? Yes.

Oh, actually, so did I. Could have had two of them then. Here we go.

Thank you. Keep the change.

Oh, my God, it's half past.

Come on.

The girls will have done after the press conference by now.

Right, where are we?

Oh, I think it's down here. Come on.

Oh.

How many press releases did I send out? How many sodding press releases?

Bloody local paper.

I mean, what bigger than this has happened in Napoli tonight? Oh, don't

tell me someone's grown a U-shaped marrow.

We're going to lose money, aren't we?

Oh, not only are we not going to raise it, we're actually going to lose it.

Well, I suppose we did.

Promise it wouldn't be a big hoo-ha.

We tried.

At least you made that speech.

Yeah.

Well, it's not enough, Annie.

I mean, I'd rather not have tried than to have to face Mari and say, oh, no,

actually, yes, you were right. It was another one of Chris's ideas.

And what's worse, and this is a good one,

To add insult to injury, I took my clothes off and no one was interested.

You're after the WI thing?

Yes. I had to spill over.

They're at Ballroom.

You're new in the telegraph, dear.

Can you pass the bacon?

Open up, my love, will you? I have, Mum.

We're full.

One minute the pressing goes on, and next it was just me and the hat.

I'm standing here in the Yorkshire village of Napley, where the local

Women's Institute have not only been raising money, but raising eyebrows by

stripping for a charity calendar.

Thinking of taking it up, especially.

What's your family think of it? I was worried that my daughter would be

embarrassed. Yeah.

But she took me into it.

Any magazine offers?

Well, it's his village, isn't it?

How she grew up is in Emsley Lane.

And that church up there is where we got married.

Oh, hiya, Jessie!

Sorry. Sorry.

Miss September.

World of good.

So, Chris, what gave you the idea?

Oh, excuse me.

Hi, dear.

I brought my journalist to meet your journalist.

Hello.

To develop ideas and to have them. You know, after all, the

WI is about education and empowerment of women.

It's not just jam and Jerusalem, you know.

The WIU new calendar.

No, love, sorry.

But I definitely sent you a batch of 50.

Look. Look, Minstergate Bookshop, you're up 50.

And I got them, love.

And I put them out at nine o'clock.

And at ten past nine, we'd sold out.

Thanks very much.

Thank you.

What is it?

They were waiting for me.

Who? When I got back.

Oh my god.

I need this, Chris.

It's happened to them just like it's happened to me.

I'm going to help them.

And your photo made me smile for the first time in 15 months.

Now I smile whenever I see the calendar.

Thank you, girls, for your bravery and beauty.

Best wishes, Vera Mason.

It reminded me so of Eileen.

You seem to have the same spirit she had.

I know she would have piled with laughter at your photographs.

Thank you again.

Looking forward to the next.

I am currently in the high security wing of Her Majesty's prison, Barlinnie, in

Scotland, and was mightily impressed by the sheer size of your...

of the world's first new WI calendar, Chris Harper.

The

usual

image of the WI calendar is of plums and jam and country views but Well we

thought if glamour photographers can do it on a beach in Bangkok, we can do it

in a church hall near Skipton.

landscape scenes, she talked her friends into posing nude for their local women's

institute calendar.

Not quite the jam in Jerusalem the ladies are usually known for.

Chris says their husbands will never look at their wives in the same way

again, and neither will the other members of this quiet little Dales

community.

Where you going?

It's Thursday.

But you just got back from the conference.

Eddie, I've got a surprise for you. I've had it.

I got it when someone turned round at petrol queue and said, ain't this tart

with her tits out your wife?

Eddie.

Eddie, I didn't do it just to... I just...

First in wedding today. Morning, Gem.

I'm Gaz.

And we've got another order.

It's a massive order, Chris.

It's coming round at 4.30. We've got a meeting.

When are you back?

Later. Bye.

When later?

Anyone seen Gem?

Normally more than one of you, is there?

Hi, uh, sorry.

But, uh, my wife is a bit busy at the moment.

Kids? No.

It's some WI calendar thing she's organized.

It's on her chat show.

Not the calendar, the nude one.

Aye. We just bought one. My wife came home. Seriously, it's fantastic.

I'll tell her.

So...

I've bought flowers off Mr.

Come on then, which one is you?

January.

I suppose you're getting sick of all this, are you?

Hey.

Oi, give us some of that.

I thought I'd found you here.

You all right?

You got any money?

I mean, what is funny, between you and me, some of the blokes, uh, Frank, his

wife would hardly undress in front of him before.

And now, apparently, you know.

I was saying, it's not had that effect in our bedroom, I can tell you.

Hardly see her.

Sorry, I can't resist this.

Mr. January.

You don't mind, eh?

Aye. As long as I don't have to take my clothes off.

I have been exchanging phone calls with Hollywood.

What, the real one?

No, Celia, the chocolate one. Yes, the real one.

From who?

From the studio of a show with a man whose name I've forgotten.

They're not coming all the way from America.

No. They're going to do it on the phone.

No, they only do face-to-face interviews.

What if they won't come here and won't do it on the phone? How have we got...

Oh, my God.

We don't know Hollywood.

We don't know Hollywood. Shh.

We're joking.

Renaldson? With a Y?

Oh, he's there.

Oh, please.

Could you put me through to his room?

Eddie?

Your toilet was broken, but I fixed it now.

All right, lads.

Can I help you, officer?

You can put that joint out for a start.

Hollywood? That's not for fun.

It's really important.

I mean, if we get on the telly in America, it's fantastic publicity.

I mean, just imagine the whole of America.

What about our business, Chris?

Is that not important?

Can you get that?

I'm in a meeting.

Hello, flower power.

It won't be anything serious.

You'll be all right.

They're not charging him. Oh, my God. Is it not illegal, then?

Well, cannabis is, but they tend not to worry too much about oregano.

Right.

Right.

Oh. Jem you stupid you stupid.

Oh, thanks Jem We've already had a little father and son anyway, you've got

to sign something up there before we can go. Oh, yeah Yes,

all right, oh Thanks

Thanks very much. Good night.

Where is it? Where the hell is it?

Ah, passport.

Right, I'm hoping they'll let me in with a few calendars. After we've been on the

American telly, we might be able to shift a few.

Oh, now, wait a minute. The holidays are all different there, aren't they?

Well, maybe we'll have to do a reprint. You know, the American version.

So...

Your son's been arrested.

So, no.

And released, Annie, with 10 grams of oregano.

The only thing that'd be dangerous in is a quiche.

But I thought it was drugs, Chris.

Do you want to stay?

Find out why?

Well, yes, I mean, I do, obviously, but...

The woman in the studio contacted me, Annie. I'm the one who... Chris, Chris,

we can cope.

We're big girls.

Hello.

I was wondering if you could quote me for some carpets.

You do sell carpets?

You are the owner of a carpet warehouse.

Sorry, I'm with someone.

I know.

My husband.

I just came to Ilkley to see what I wasn't as good as.

OK. Well, you've done that now.

He told me you were the manager of a carpet warehouse.

Told me you were dead.

I think maybe I have been.

You are looking good, baby.

Sorry.

Which one of us are you talking about, Eddie?

The one that makes a tart of herself by taking her clothes off? Or me?

Sort of.

Eddie? No, no.

You stay and enjoy yourselves.

I'm off to Hollywood.

Eddie?

Right,

everyone. Has everyone got a ticket?

Yes. A passport?

Yes. A lying snake for a husband?

No? Only me there, then.

Let's go.

Come on.

Hollywood, please, on your shiniest plane.

Sorry, ladies, you've come to the wrong desk. What?

I have asked four people.

Each of them said we could check in for a flight to Los Angeles at any desks.

We have queued for 20 minutes in the only queue.

And we were directed to your desk by your representative. Where precisely

have we gone wrong?

There was no need to queue, madam.

You're all flying up a class. You've been upgraded.

First class!

First class!

I can check you in here if you like.

Thank you.

Nice girl. I know.

Celia, press the white button on the right. I am doing.

Oh, it's come down. On the right.

Bye-bye.

Cheerio. I'm going right on, Celia. Fantastic.

Bye-bye.

I've got my foot stuck now.

Where are we, Cora?

This is Sunset Street.

No.

Cheerio, girls.

I'll see you later. What are you doing? I'm Superman.

I'm going up.

It's lovely.

Come on.

Good afternoon, ladies.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

It's our first time here. Is that right?

Clark.

His name's Clark.

Mrs. Clark?

Or should I call you Miss February?

I saw your picture in the paper this morning.

Thank you, ma'am. It's all right.

Now, I'll just talk you through the facilities, okay?

All right.

Now, there are two televisions, one on each end, both of which have cable TV.

internet access and movies on demand now there's also a full bar here but if you

need anything special don't hesitate to call downstairs and we'll is everything

okay ma'am oh yeah no it's fine it's just i'm a bit tired i'd like to go to

my room now really this is the hotel's master suite ma'am this is your room

come on i'll show you downstairs

Have you been in your bathroom?

Me too. I'm in the bath.

And the bubbles, they're Christian Dior.

The bath bubbles, they're Christian Dior.

Do you think they'll charge us for it?

me too and i can tell the way you do the things you do

Four pages, Annie. The cover page and then four pages about how I don't give

him sex anymore.

I just had to get away. I mean, the press will be all over it by now.

So Rod's having to deal with all that on his own, then, is it?

Well, him and Jem.

Slightly out of character, don't you think, for Rod?

Saying all that.

Did he get tricked into it?

Did you stay to find out?

Oh, by that time, was there a taxi waiting?

Are you all right?

Oh, yeah.

Fine.

Annie, Chris, this is Frank, Scott and John. They're in a band called Anthrax.

Oh. Hello.

I've heard so much about you girls.

I'm really impressed with what you do. Why don't you sit down? It really is a

great story. We haven't heard anything about you. Oh, I have. I have.

Yes, I have.

Have you had a think about that, then?

Yes.

Well, yes, it will be in that long part, yes.

Well, you know what? Let me talk with my associates and I'll get back to you.

OK, bye.

Thank you.

Who was that on the phone? Very exciting.

Oh, very exciting. I'll tell you, her make-up went dead close to a deal.

Oh, look, that's him. By the way, is it Lino or Leno? Do we know?

We've got to get it right. Leno.

Are you sure?

Nothing's legal. Let me know.

Not only will they sponsor the calendar in America to the tune of $30,000, but

guess who'll be filming in the studio next to the one we're going to shoot the

advert in? What?

Guess who'll be filming in the studio next to the one we're going to shoot the

advert in?

Advert? Well, they sponsor us. We do their advert for washing powder,

cheating. That's how it works.

George Clooney.

Can I have it straight like Jennifer Aniston?

You know, in friends.

Why would I die just part of my head? It doesn't make any sense.

Becoming nude calendar girls. They're here tonight to tell us the story. This

is the calendar right here. Please welcome from Napoli, England, the

calendar girls. Let's bring them out.

Oh,

just sit anywhere.

I'm curious. Have you girls been strippers all your life?

You know, they're just different sizes.

Some of them price things strategically.

It's called sushi.

I know.

It's all suggestive, isn't it? Well, I could make a few suggestions.

Well,

ladies, it's fascinating. Good luck with your work. And please, if you would,

just try to encourage more women to get naked.

Thank you very much. The ladies are lovely.

I think we really do have to work some kind of order out when we're asked

questions, because far too much of that, you couldn't hear what we're saying. I

agree. Annie?

Annie?

What are you doing?

You missed it.

We were just on television the whole reason we came here.

I thought that was to get away from the press.

Hello?

Hello?

Is there anyone there?

Ah, there they are.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Welcome, ladies. How are we today?

Fine. Fantastic.

Fabulenta. My name is Danny. I'm the director.

Hello, Danny. And which one of you is Chris?

You're Chris.

Exciting, hmm?

Yeah, yeah?

Okay, now, just to let you know, what I've done is have cleared the studio of

excess men.

Oh, that's a shame.

No, I mean, I didn't want you to be walking around naked in front of a bunch

of guys you didn't know. Sorry?

We're doing the washing powder.

Right, hanging the washing on the line.

And naked behind.

I mean, there's not a problem with that, is there?

It is what you girls do, isn't it?

Yeah. Yes.

Great.

I'm working.

Go, go, go.

Great. Beautiful. I love this.

Ladies, the time is now.

Roxanne. Hi.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you. What do you think?

Looking good.

Thank you very much.

Is the agency happy?

We are.

Thank you.

Annie!

We'll be here in just a moment.

Annie!

Annie!

Look, Annie, this is for the calendar.

We just do this. We get the calendar out in America.

Look, are you going to talk to me? I need a shower. What?

Is it down here?

I feel dirty.

Your washing powder made me feel dirty. Where's the dressing room? My washing

powder? Down here.

Oh,

I get it.

I see.

This is because I've organised it, right?

Because I've made a success of getting us a sponsor and taking this out of

being... Well, we're not just raising money for a relative's room anymore, are

we? We're out there taking on the bloody disease. Red lance on, Chris. You can't

sound it, can you?

You cannot stand that I've made this calendar a success.

No, no, no. See, Chris, what's happened is this calendar's made you a success.

What's that supposed to mean?

Where are we? Annie, what is that supposed to mean?

Don't ask me what it means, Chris!

When you're standing in the middle of a cardboard street talking about meeting

George Clooney.

What's with all these letters then, eh, Annie?

Well, this bloody Florence Nightingale, this agony aunt, doesn't that smack just

a little bit of being a star?

You know, lots of people lose their partners to this disease. I bet they

don't all get fan mail.

Doesn't that make you a little bit of a success? A very successful bereaved

woman?

A celebrity widow?

Saint Annie of Napoli?

Eh?

Eh?

I'm not a saint.

Because I'd rob every penny from this calendar if it would buy me just one

more hour with him.

You've still got yours.

And you're in Hollywood.

Oh, Lord!

It's Thursday.

Come on. I've got that in there.

Are you coming?

Hello love.

How's Jim?

He made a case on Tuesday.

We've been stoned ever since.

Don't worry, Chris, he'll be all right.

Look, Rod, I'm... I'm sorry, I... But you don't have to apologise.

I do, I do have to apologise, because everything you said in the paper was

true, wasn't it?

I didn't know he was a journalist.

This isn't the point.

I mean, you still said it. Just why didn't you say it to me?

You know, why didn't you just, I don't know, just shout out... I mean, what the

bloody hell do you think... I know you'd have liked me to.

It'd probably suit your Hollywood story a bit more if I'd been no bloody wife of

mine, but I've not because I actually think it's brilliant what you've done.

That's why I've stood behind you.

I've told your son to get over it and be proud because I actually wanted you to

have all this.

Thank you.

Now, do me a bloody favour, get back in that oar and sort out whatever's gone

wrong with Annie.

I don't know what to say to her.

She's your oldest friend, Chris. You don't have to say anything.

since we've stopped as it happens today we've finally been sent the first

figures for the sales of our calendar come on right thank you it

says here in this letter from leukemia research fund that we've so

far raised 286 000

pounds

So a big round of applause to all of us for making it such a success!

We can get that sofa in the leather then.

I've put our names down for next month's speakers.

Chris and Annie.

What we learned in Hollywood.

You're lying.

I know for a fact Colin Petley's coming from Keithley with his collection of tea

towels. Oh, you steal my beating heart.

Anyone fancy some chips?

28 in the waist, 44 in the hips, she got a real crazy leg.

You upset me, baby.

Yes, you upset me, baby.

Yes, I'm telling you people, she's something fine that you really ought to

see.

Well, she's not too tall.

Complexion is fair.

Man, she knocks me out the way she wears.

the hair.

You upsets me, baby.

Yes, you upsets me, baby.

Like being hit by a falling tree. Woman, woman, what you do to me?

Well, I've tried to describe her.

It's hard to start. I better stop now because I got a weak heart.

You upsets me.

sets me baby.

Well, like being hit by a falling tree, woman, what you do to me?

Well, I've tried to describe her. It's hard to stop.

I'm going to stop now because I've got a very weak heart.

You upset me, baby.

Yes, you upset me, baby.