Original subtitles

[SLOW RHYTHMIC MUSIC]

[WHISTLING]

♪ Oh, yes ♪

[GLASS SHATTERS]

♪ I walk in ♪

♪ And you feel mesmerized ♪

♪ I come close ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ And you feel hypnotized ♪

♪ Now ♪

Heads up!

- Good defense, good defense! - ♪ Ain't no sleight of hand ♪

♪ It's the work of A bad-time voodoo man ♪

[CLATTERING]

- ♪ So don't try and break this spell ♪ - Hm!

♪ You listen up and listen well ♪

- ♪ With the power of suggestion ♪ - ♪ Power ♪

- ♪ Now it's strange but it's true ♪ - [GLASS RUSTLING]

♪ What I put on you ♪

♪ I got the power of suggestion ♪

♪ Power ♪

♪ Makes you do all the things ♪

- [GLASS SHATTERING] - ♪ That you never would do ♪

♪ No, no ♪

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Just let your spirit run wild ♪

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[GRUNTS]

♪ Now it's mind over matter ♪

♪ You know what I'm after ♪

- ♪ Just let your spirit run wild ♪ - We're going downtown.

♪ With the power of suggestion ♪

♪ Power ♪

[DOG BARKS]

MAN: Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

What do you want?

HDS, sir. And how are you this afternoon?

Alrighty then.

I have a package for you.

[PACKAGE CLINKS]

Sounds broken.

Most likely, sir. I'll bet it was something nice, though.

Now, this is an insurance form.

If you'll just sign here,

here, and here, initial here,

and print your name here,

we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.

[TV DRONES ON IN OTHER ROOM]

That's a lovely dog you have there, sir.

You mind if I pet him?

I don't give a rat's ass.

Alrighty then.

Oh, you boo!

Who's a boo-boo doo-doo!

- Joo-boo baby doo-boo. - [DOG BARKS]

[MAN COOING]

Oh, brother.

That's fine, sir. I can finish the rest.

You just have yourself a good day.

Take care, now. Bye-bye, then.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Excuse me, HDS!

HDS coming through!

Got a package, people!

[BOX CLATTERS]

[SINGING, HUMMING]

Get away from the door.

What's the matter with you? I said git!

[SQUEAKS]

Son of a bitch!

That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen.

Unfortunately,

in every contest,

there must be a loser.

Loo-hoo-se-her!

[DOG BARKS]

Hungry, fella?

[WHIMPERS]

There ya go.

[ENGINE STUTTERS]

No problem. It gets flooded.

We'll just wait a few seconds.

- [MAN YELLS] - [DOG BARKS]

Or we can try it now.

[YELLS]

Come on!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BARKING]

Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear!

- [MAN YELLING] - [GROANS]

I'll kill you!

Uh, you wanna give me a push while you're back there, pal?

[YELLS]

Alrighty then.

- [ENGINE STARTS] - [LAUGHS]

It's alive! It's alive!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[DOG BARKING]

[GROANS]

[IMITATES BARKING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[BARKS]

[IMITATES BARKING]

WOMAN: Oh, my little baby.

Come here!

- You missed Mommy, didn't you? - [ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Oh, yes, you did. Did Daddy hurt you?

I won't let him. No, I won't.

He can keep that big TV, but he's not gonna

hurt my baby. No, he's not, no.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Thank you, Mr. Ventura.

How can I ever repay you?

Well, the reward would be good.

There is some damage to my car.

It's a high-performance machine,

so I had to fill it with premium--

Would you like for me to take your pants off instead?

Gee, let me think.

Um... sure.

[ZIPPER OPENS]

[SURF ROCK MUSIC]

Whoa, geez!

Ho-ho.

For the love of Pete!

People are real friendly around here.

Whoa!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[DOLPHIN CLICKS]

[INTENSE MUSIC]

[INTENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING ON TV]

MAN [ON TV]: And now, let's meet our contestants.

First, meet our challenger.

She's a housewife from...

MAN: Ventura.

Yes, Satan?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You sounded like someone else.

Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura.

[COUGHING]

You owe me rent.

Mr. Shickadance, I told you,

you're my first priority.

I'm on a very big case right now.

Check this out.

Look at that,

that's a true albino pigeon.

Some rich guy lost it.

He's offering a $25,000 reward.

As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.

I heard animals in there, Ventura.

I heard 'em again this morning, scratchin' around.

I never bring my work home with me, sir.

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet food for?

Fiber.

Want to take a look inside? Come on.

Come on!

[KEYS JANGLE LOUDLY]

Go ahead. Snoop around.

[SNIFFS]

ACE: Well? Are you satisfied?

[SHICKADANCE SNIFFS]

Just don't let me catch you with an animal in here,

that's all.

Alright! Take care now!

Bye-bye, then.

Loser.

[WHISTLES LOUDLY]

- [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC] - [ANIMAL NOISES]

[CLICKING]

- [BIRDS SQUAWKING] - [DOGS BARKING]

[CHITTERING]

[CAT MEOWS]

ACE: Come to me, jungle friends.

[VOCALIZING GUTTURALLY]

Roger, let me ask you one question.

How in the hell do you lose a 500-pound fish?

What?

I'm sorry, sir. I was just going to say

that it's not a fish. It's a mammal.

Thank you, Miss Jacques Cousteau.

Don, now she didn't mean anything by that.

I don't give a good goddamn about that fish.

Filet it and fast-food it if you want to.

All I give a damn about's winning the Super Bowl.

My athletes have got to have their heads

in the right place.

Shit, Roger. You've been in this business a long time.

You know how superstitious these players are.

I've got a quarterback that puts his socks on backwards--

Has since high school.

I've got a linebacker that has not washed

his jockey strap in two years

because he thinks flies are lucky.

Now, I want that fish on that field Super Bowl Sunday.

Find the fish,

or find new jobs!

Why did it have to happen now, two weeks before the Super Bowl?

I'll tell you who did it,

it's those goddamn animal rights activists!

Always out there with their goddamn signs.

"Animals were born free."

- "Stop torturing Snowflake." - [PHONE RINGING]

That damn fish lives better than they do.

Roger, the police are checking into the animal rights groups.

Martha, have the police called back about the dolphin yet?

No, but I wanted to tell you,

when I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet detective.

A what?

A pet detective.

Thanks, Martha, but we better leave this to professionals.

Well, actually, he was quite good.

Pet detection is a very involved,

highly scientific process.

[SOFT MUSIC]

[IMITATES COOING]

[YELLING]

[BEEPER SOUNDING]

[GROANS]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Like a glove.

[DOOR THUDS]

Uh, Mr. Ventura here to see you.

Thanks, Martha.

Hi. I'm Melissa Robinson.

Pleasure to meet you.

- [DOOR SHUTS] - Did you have any trouble getting in?

No. The guy with the rubber glove

was surprisingly gentle.

Yeah, security's tight Super Bowl week.

- Ah! - Why don't you have a seat?

I'll get right to the point, Mr. Ventura.

[TAPE CLATTERS]

Our mascot was stolen from his tank last night.

Are you familiar with Snowflake?

Negative.

We got Snowflake from the Miami Seaquarium.

He's a rare bottlenose dolphin.

This is one of the new tricks

he was going to do for the halftime show.

MAN [ON TV]: Come on, Snowflake, let's go!

[SNOWFLAKE CLICKING]

Blue 42. Blue 42. Hut. Hut!

[WATER SPLASHING]

All right!

- Come on, Snowflake! Let's go! - [ACE CRUNCHING]

[CLAPPING] Good boy!

[CRUNCHING, SLURPING]

Would you like an ashtray?

Mm-mm.

I don't smoke.

It's a disgusting habit.

- MAN: Say hut. - [MEN GROAN]

MELISSA: The police were here this morning.

Apparently, the kidnappers came in

through the back gate. They said some kind of a...

Four-wheel drive van loaded from the rear.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Roger. How you holding up?

ROGER: Well, if I look like I'm walkin' funny,

it's because I got two dozen reporters up my ass.

They been asking me about Snowflake all morning.

Who's he?

Roger Podacter,

meet Ace Ventura.

He's our pet detective.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Came very highly recommended by Martha Metz.

Martha Metz?

Oh, yeah. The bitch.

What?

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in Highland Park area.

She was half dead when I found her.

Is that the tank?

Excuse me.

- [FUNK MUSIC] - [WHISTLE BLOWING]

[MEN GROAN]

Cops drain it?

Yes. This morning.

If I'm not back in five minutes,

just wait longer.

[FEET THUD, ECHOING]

[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]

[IMITATES BEEPING]

[IMITATING WILLIAM SHATNER] Captain's log. Stardate 23.9.

Rounded off to the nearest decimal point.

We've...

traveled back in time to save an ancient species

from total annihilation.

So far, no signs of aquatic life,

but I'm going to find it.

If I have to tear this universe another black hole,

I'm going to find it.

I've...

got to, mister!

[IMITATES BEEPING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, great!

I'll see if I can head them off.

Ace, get out of the tank.

[IMITATING SCOTTY] I just can't do it, Captain.

I don't have the power!

WOMAN: Oh, Roger!

- People! - [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I said get out of the tank now!

[IMITATING DR. MCCOY] For God sakes, Jim,

I'm a doctor, not a pool man!

Snowflake is not available right now.

Not available? Roger, we've been waiting all day.

I gotta get a shot of his new trick for the evening news.

What, is he sick?

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

People, people.

[INDISTINCT CLAMORING]

Hm.

Ah!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

OFFICER: Lassie must be missing.

Hey, uh, hey, Ventura.

Ventura.

Make any good collars lately?

Or were they leashes?

[ALL LAUGH]

[IMITATES LAUGHTER]

Uh-oh.

- [THUD] - MEN: Ew.

- Homicide, Ventura. - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Now, how you going to solve that one?

[ALL LAUGH]

Good question, Aguado.

First I'd establish a motive.

In this case, the killer saw the size of the bug's dick

and became insanely jealous.

[CROWD OOHS, LAUGHS]

Then I'd lose 30 pounds

porkin' his wife!

- Oh, you-- - Come on!

[GROANS]

Now, kiss and make up.

- [PHONES RINGING] - [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

ACE: Excuse me. I'd like to

ass you a few questions.

Uh, this is not the time, Ace.

If Einhorn come down here

and see me talking to you or your ass, I'm history.

I think I can keep him under control,

but you'll have to tell me who's working the Snowflake case.

Hey, I can't do nothin' for you on that. My hands are totally tied.

ACE: All right, that's it. Now it's my turn.

Five minutes alone. That's all I need. Come on!

Better look alive, Einhorn's on her way down.

ACE: Ooh, bum, bum, bum-bum!

- Come on now, Ace, please, man, please. - What's the matter, Emilio?

Afraid I'll make a stink? Huh?

- Come on! - [SIGHS]

Alright, Aguado's working the case, alright?

Aguado.

Aguado?

Good call.

Look here, we're just a little busy right now

with murderers and burglaries and drug dealers

and things like that.

A missing dolphin isn't exactly a high priority.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, now you've pissed him off.

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

Please give me a break, man.

I can't hold him much longer!

- My boss is coming, man! - [GRUNTING CONTINUES]

EMILIO: Okay, okay. Look.

We ran a check with all the local animal rights groups, alright?

We checked out the taxidermists

and ran a check through a local DMV

on all recent van rentals.

So far, nothing, Nathan, nada, alright?

Any unusual bets being made?

Of course there's bets being made. It's the Super Bowl.

What'd you find out about the tank?

Nothing unusual, okay? Some tire tracks, an escape route,

and a guard didn't see anything.

[LAMP SQUEAKS]

- That's it? - That's it. I swear.

Now, would you please get the hell out of here

before I get in trouble?

[LAMP SQUEAKS]

ACE: Thank you for all your cooperation.

By the way, do you have a mint?

Perhaps some Binaca?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[ACE COUGHING]

[COUGHS]

[SINGING] ♪ Assholo mio ♪

♪ O sodomia ♪

♪ Le-- ♪

Holy...

Testicle Tuesday!

What the hell is he doing here?

I came to confess.

I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

Spare me the routine, Ventura.

I know you're working the Snowflake case.

May I suggest you yield to the experts on this one?

We'll find the porpoise.

Whew!

Now I feel better.

Of course, that...

might not do any good.

You see, nobody's missing a porpoise.

It's a dolphin that's been taken.

The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout,

pointed teeth, and a triangular thoracic fin,

while the bottlenose dolphin, or tursiops truncatus,

has an elongated beak, round, cone-shaped teeth,

and a serrated dorsal appendage.

But I'm sure you already knew that.

That's what turns me on about ya...

your attention to detail.

Listen, pet dick,

how would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Well, I'm...

not really ready for a relationship, Lois.

But thank you for asking.

Hey, maybe I'll give you a call some time.

Your number still 911?

Alrighty then.

[SPITS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GROWLS]

[SHOUTS]

[SINGER GROWLS]

[SHOUTS]

Excuse me? Is Greg here?

Thank you.

[SINGER GROWLS]

[GRUNTS]

MAN: What's the password?

New England clam chowder.

MAN: Is that the red or the white?

Oh, I can never remember that.

White?

- [DOOR SLIDING] - [WHISPERS] Yes.

ACE: Hey, Woodstock.

Hey, Saint Francis, how's it going?

Super and thank you for asking.

I hope you're having a lovely day.

Do you?

Don't I?

[WHIRRING, BEEPING]

So, what are you up to, mandinga?

Just watching the fishies, man-o-schevitz.

You see those blips?

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

I'm sending them new directional coordinates.

[BLIPS CONTINUE]

They'll find Jimmy Hoffa

before they find any humpback whales.

ACE: Aha! Gravy.

Can you still tap into the aquatic supply stores in the area?

Of course I can. Why?

I want to trace the sale of any equipment

for transporting or housing a dolphin

within the last few months.

C'mon, Ace, I thought you had a challenge for me.

All right, we got marine winch, sling,

feeder fish, 20,000-gallon tank...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Lookie here.

Now that's a hell of a lot of equipment for a civilian.

Ronald Camp, the billionaire?

Yeah, billionaire and rare fish collector.

Re-e-e-e-e-eally?

That, my friend, is the face of the enemy,

always trying to get his greedy little hands

on endangered species.

ACE: Now, hold on.

Ronald Camp is connected with the Dolphins?

Yeah, that sub-genius gave him the land

the new stadium's built on.

And look at this. He's throwing another

"I'm the richest man in the universe" party.

Hm...

Looks like it's time for me to get myself a date.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm really going out on a limb here, Ventura.

Camp's social events are strictly A-list.

"Gee, Chuck, the date started off good,

"but just before we got to the party, she seemed to tense up."

[KNOCKING]

I swear, if you do anything to embarrass me in front of Camp--

What? Like this?

[MAKING CHOKING NOISES]

[MAKING HIGH-PITCHED NOISES]

- [FOOT THUDS] - [GROANS] Ow!

Hi, Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc?

Permission to come aboard, sir.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

I'm sorry, ladies. Melissa.

Oh, hi, Ron.

Glad you could make it.

Thank you.

You look wonderful.

Aw, thanks.

And who is he, a friend?

Um, no, this is--this is my date.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

He's a lawyer.

Well, does he have a name, or should I call him lawyer?

[MOCKING LAUGHTER]

Hoo!

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry. This is Ace--

Uh, Tom Ace.

Tom Ace.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Camp.

And congratulations on all your success.

You smell terrific.

I was just telling Melissa

one of the first lessons we learned back at Stanford law

was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims

against wealthy, private homeowners.

In fact, if one were so inclined,

one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else.

[LAUGHS]

How is everybody feeling tonight?

Very, very well, thank you.

Oh, look, honey, there's the hors d'oeuvres.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[SOUR NOTE]

Are you insane?

There is no way that Camp stole Snowflake.

What are you trying to do?

[SNIFFS, SPITS]

Will you just keep him occupied

while I work my magic, please?

Smooshy, isn't it?

I got a few cases from my new dealer in Paris.

Great.

Excuse me, Ron,

I, uh, need to use the bathroom.

[WHISPERING] I think it's the paté.

Sure, it's over there.

[CHUCKLING] Thanks.

The stuff probably looks better on the way out, huh?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

He wasn't feeling well earlier today.

[MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS]

[WINDOW CREAKS]

- [DOOR SLAMS] - [THEME MUSIC ENDS]

[DOOR THUDS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[TRICKLING WATER]

Gravy.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Don't worry, Snowflake,

Ace Ventura's here.

Yummy!

[FISH THUDS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Snowflake?

Here, Snowflake.

I've got a little snack for ya.

[WHISTLES]

- [GROWLING] - [WATER SPLASHES]

[SCREAMS]

[WATER SPLASHES]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

CAMP: They're wonderful, aren't they?

Yes, they--they certainly are.

No matter what's going on in my life,

I can always watch them swim

and be totally at peace.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- [PANTING] - [WATER SPLASHING]

It's not Snowflake.

It's not Snowflake.

It's not Snowflake!

- [SPITTING WATER] - [WATER THRASHING]

It's not Snowflake!

[YELLING]

[CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Are you sure your date is alright?

It's been an awfully long time.

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

- [WATER RUSHING] - [FOOTSTEPS SQUISHING]

[BAND STOPS]

Do not go in there!

Whoo!

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]

- [WATER SQUIRTS] - [GUESTS GASP]

[BLAZER THUDS]

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Ace.

I'll have the plumbing checked immediately.

Be sure that you do.

If I'd been drinking out of the toilet,

I might have been killed.

I'm sorry again, Mr. Ace.

[LIPS SMACK]

[STAMMERS] Uh, what are you doing?

I--I'm sorry, Ron.

What is he doing?

- Ace, what are--let's go! - [THUD]

[RING CLATTERING]

Ace, stop it!

[SHOE THUDS]

I don't even want to know why your pants are missing.

I don't care what happened. You could have cost me my job.

So you found a pebble in Snowflake's tank.

Excuse me while I call CNN.

I found it in the filter, thank you very much.

And it's not a pebble.

It's a rare, triangular-cut, orange amber.

[MELISSA STAMMERS]

What are you talking about?

Tonight, I saw the exact same stone in Camp's ring.

But I thought you said Camp didn't do it.

No, Camp's clean. His ring wasn't missing a stone.

But whoever was in that tank had a ring just like his.

Ring? What ring?

The 1984 Dolphin AFC championship ring.

I find the ring with the missing stone,

I find Snowflake.

How are you gonna do that?

[BOOK SHUTS, THUDS]

Simple.

[SNAPS, SPITS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Hey, loser!

Why don't you learn how to drive, pal, huh?

Whoo! Oh, you want to play?

Whoo!

Whoo!

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

Damn it!

♪ If you think that you're strong ♪

♪ Want to fight, Well, come on ♪

♪ And line up ♪

♪ Line up ♪

♪ When the goin' gets tough ♪

♪ And your talk ain't enough ♪

- ♪ Line up ♪ - ♪ Line up ♪

♪ We got to get up, Get out ♪

♪ Before they get us down ♪

♪ Cause livin' up against the wall ♪

♪ Yeah, has got us locked up ♪

♪ Come on and line up ♪

♪ Line up ♪

♪ So don't be surprised ♪

♪ When they pull The wool over your eyes ♪

♪ Yeah, don't get funked up ♪

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ If you got all the stuff ♪

♪ And you can't get enough ♪

- ♪ Then line up ♪ - ♪ Line up ♪

- [TOWEL THWACKS] - ♪ You're out on a limb ♪

♪ And you want to come in ♪

- ♪ Then line up ♪ - ♪ Line up ♪

♪ Yeah, your head's down, Sitting 'round ♪

♪ Pick yo face up off the ground ♪

♪ And get yourself together, baby ♪

♪ And learn to stand tough ♪

- ♪ Come on and line up ♪ - ♪ Line up ♪

♪ You better get to it ♪

♪ Instead of just standin' around ♪

♪ It's time to get down ♪

♪ Come on, y'all ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ZIPS PANTS]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Ace, that stone could have come from anywhere.

It could have come from...

a necklace or a pendant, an earring.

It came from an '84 AFC championship ring.

You know, Lieutenant Einhorn thinks

that it may have been an animal rights group.

Have you ever heard of F.A.N.?

Free Animals Now? Started in 1982 by Chelsea Gamble,

daughter of the famous industrialist Fisher Gamble?

Over half a million members from Florida to Finland?

No, who are they?

Well, did you know that last year they sent

127 threatening letters to different college teams,

demanding the release of their mascots?

What do you feed your dog?

Oh.

Dog food. Why?

He is miserable.

[SCOFFS] What are you talking about?

He's just very unhappy. I feel sorry for him--

Bad diet, isolated environment.

It's amazing he's still alive.

You know, you're just mad because your stupid

little pebble theory didn't work out,

and you don't know how to express your anger.

Yeah? And you're ugly.

You know what? I'm not even gonna talk to you.

Would you please leave?

Why, so you can beat him... fatty?

- You're unbelievable. - [PHONE RINGS]

You know what? Hiring you was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Well, why don't you cry about it, saddlebags?

[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]

[FOOTSTEPS RECEDE]

You like her, huh?

Yeah, she's alright.

Melissa!

Look, Melissa, I, uh...

REPORTER: I'm here at the North Beach Towers,

a luxury condo complex in north Miami,

where Roger Podacter,

head of operations for the Miami Dolphins,

has apparently committed suicide,

allegedly leaping to his death

from his own 20th-story balcony.

Lieutenant Lois Einhorn of the Miami police department...

OFFICER: Please. Move back, please.

- [REPORTER CONTINUES] - Move back.

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Are you okay?

WOMAN: Well, I told you, I was in my apartment

-across the hall, -MAN: Yes, ma'am.

- I heard a scream. - Uh-huh?

So I called the manager.

MANAGER: Well, the place was empty,

except for that damn dog in the other room.

I opened the balcony door, looked over the railing,

- splat, bang, pancake time. - [ACE SNIFFING]

DETECTIVE: Okay, thank you very much.

I'm gonna leave you one of my cards.

[DETECTIVE CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

[DOG WHIMPERS QUIETLY]

Hi there, fella.

Have a bad night?

[BARKS]

So... animals can sense evil.

Who let Dr. Dolittle in?

Uh, Lieutenant, he came with Miss Robinson.

This is official police business.

We'll let you know if the coroner finds a tick.

[ALL LAUGH]

[IMITATES LAUGHTER]

EMILIO: Oh, just face it--

E, forget it. She's right.

Besides, I wouldn't want somebody tracing my steps,

pointing out all the mistakes I was making.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

So, you don't think this is an obvious suicide,

Mr. Pet Detective?

Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord knows,

there's plenty of evidence here to support your theory,

except, of course, for that spot of blood on the railing over there.

May I tell you what I think happened?

Alrighty then.

Roger Podacter went out after work.

He had a few drinks and he came home.

But he wasn't alone. Someone else was with him in this apartment.

There was a struggle,

and he was thrown over that balcony.

Roger Podacter didn't commit suicide.

He was murdered.

Well, that's a very entertaining story,

but unfortunately, real detectives

have to worry about that little thing called evidence.

AGUADO: Uh-oh!

I think I heard a toilet flush. [CHUCKLES]

Maybe somebody lost a turtle.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, I...

guess I'm a little out of my league here.

Hmm.

Einhorn,

good work.

Oh! [CHUCKLES]

Oh, there is just one more thing, lieutenant.

This woman is Roger Podacter's neighbor.

She lives across the hall.

She said she heard a scream. Is that right, ma'am?

Right.

And you said you had to open the balcony door when you keyed into the room?

- That's true. - You're certain

you had to open this door?

MANAGER: Yeah, I'm certain.

What's the point, Ventura?

Only this.

[YELLS]

[INAUDIBLE]

[YELLS]

[SILENCE]

- [DOOR OPENS] - [YELLING]

- [DOOR CLOSES] - [SILENCE]

[YELLING CONTINUES]

[SILENCE]

- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES] - [YELLING CONTINUES, STOPS]

[YELLING CONTINUES]

This is double-paned soundproof glass.

There's no way that neighbor

could have heard Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut.

The scream she heard came from inside this apartment

before he was thrown over the balcony.

The murderer closed the door before he left.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yeah!

Can you feel that, buddy?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

[SOUTHERN ACCENT] I have exorcised the demons.

This house is clear.

[NORMAL VOICE] Losers.

Get him out of here!

Losers!

Let's go, Ace.

Losers.

- [UPBEAT MUSIC] - Loo-hoo-se-hers!

AGUADO: Let's go. Come on, Ace.

- ACE: Losers. - AGUADO: Back to the zoo.

[DOOR CLOSES]

MELISSA: What are you thinking?

I'm thinking this whole thing is connected somehow.

I'm thinking I wanna find that other ring.

MELISSA: Ace, you checked all the rings.

ACE: Receipts? What about receipts?

There's gotta be receipts.

[SOFT MUSIC]

You know, that was pretty impressive,

what you did back at the apartment.

You don't have to tell me.

I was there.

Maybe you should've joined the police force,

become a real detective.

I don't do humans.

You really love animals, don't you?

If it gets cold enough.

[MELISSA CHUCKLES]

No, I have a kinship with them.

I, uh, I understand them.

Want to hear something kind of spooky?

MELISSA: Sure.

One time, when I was about 12,

I had this dream

that I was being followed by a big dog with rabies.

He had these really bloodshot eyes

and foam coming out of his mouth.

No matter how fast I ran,

he just kept gaining on me and gaining on me and gaining on me.

And just before I got to my front door,

he jumped and sank his teeth in.

And that's when I woke up

and felt the back of my neck.

Check that out--boo!

- [SCREAMS] - [GROWLS]

- God, you're a bastard. - [IMITATES BARKING]

[MELISSA CHUCKLES]

I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself.

You really want to know why I do what I do?

No, I'm not sure I really want to know anymore.

Well, you'd better be sure,

because once you get inside my head

there's no turning back, baby.

[LAUGHS]

[SOFT MUSIC CONTINUES]

So, um, ahem...

are these all the receipts?

There's only a dozen.

You know, maybe it's in another file, in the back or something,

Who the hell is that?

Oh, what?

That?

Who the hell is that?

That's Ray Finkle, the kicker.

Don't you know who Ray Finkle is?

No. How come he's not in this picture?

This was taken earlier in the year.

Ray Finkle wasn't added to the roster till mid-season.

He's the guy who missed the final field goal

in the Super Bowl that year.

Cost the Dolphins the game.

But he got himself a ring, didn't he?

Definitely.

MELISSA: "Replacement kicker having a great year."

"Ready for Super Bowl, all-star kicker boasts."

"Field goal sails wide.

"Dolphins lose Super Bowl."

"The kick heard 'round the world."

That was Finkle.

The Dolphins lost by one point.

Whew.

MELISSA: Poor guy.

Poor guy with a motive, baby.

Where is he now?

Last I heard,

he went back to his hometown in Collier County.

Re-e-e-e-e-eally?

You are gonna drop me off

before you go, aren't you?

No way.

You shouldn't be left alone right now.

It might not be safe at your apartment.

What do you suggest?

♪ Dee dee dee dee ♪

♪ Dee dee dee dee dee ♪

♪ We um bum away ♪

♪ Ey-up-ah ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

- [MELISSA MOANING] - ♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ In the jungle ♪

- [ACE MOANING] - ♪ The mighty jungle ♪

♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪

- [ANIMALS CHITTERING] - ♪ In the jungle ♪

- [OBJECTS CLATTERING] - ♪ The mighty jungle ♪

- [ANIMALS CONTINUE CHITTERING] - ♪ The lion sleeps tonight ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

♪ A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh ♪

- [BOTH MOANING] - ♪ Dee dee dee dee ♪

♪ Dee dee dee dee dee ♪

♪ We um bum away ♪

[MELISSA MOANS]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Three times?

I'm sorry.

That's never happened to me before.

I must be tired.

[MOANS]

Okay, I'm ready again.

[MELISSA GASPS, LAUGHS]

[ROCK MUSIC]

[TENSE MUSIC]

[CAR DOOR SHUTS]

[KNOCKING]

[DOOR SLIDES]

Hi.

I'm looking for Ray Finkle.

- [GUN COCKS] - And a clean pair of shorts.

What do you know about Ray Finkle?

[INHALES LOUDLY]

Soccer-style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976.

Stetson University honors graduate, class of 1980.

Holds two NCAA division-one records,

one for most points in a season, one for distance.

Former nickname "The Mule." The first and only pro athlete

ever to come out of Collier County.

And one hell of a model American.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

- [EXHALES] - [GUN CLICKS]

Are you another one of them Hard Copy guys?

No, sir. I'm just a very big Finkle fan.

[VOICE BREAKS] This is my Graceland, sir.

- Will you put that gun down? - [MUTTERING]

The boy is a fan of our son.

- Oh, alright. - So nice to meet you.

I'm Ray's mother,

and this is Ray's father.

[NORMAL VOICE] It's a real honor.

Well, it's an honor to have you in our home.

[DOOR SHUTS]

My Ray is so appreciative of his fans.

He'll be so pleased you stopped by.

Are you expecting Ray any time soon?

Oh, yes. I expect him home any minute.

Ah!

Would you like some cookies?

I just baked them.

Yummy.

[MRS. FINKLE HUMS]

Wow!

Ray Finkle's house.

I can't wait to meet him.

[CLATTERING IN OTHER ROOM]

Ray ain't coming home.

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

But your wife said you expect him home any minute.

She expects him home any minute.

See, the engine's running,

but there's nobody behind the wheel.

I mean, eight years ago,

our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital

in Tampa.

And they're still bugging us

to pick up his stuff.

It was all that Dan Marino's fault.

Everyone knows that.

If he had held the ball laces out

like he was supposed to,

Ray would never have missed that kick.

Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell.

Would you like a cookie, son?

Hm.

What do you know?

They're little footballs. [LAUGHS]

Laces out.

When Ray gets back and starts kicking again,

he'll never even know he was gone.

I've kept his room just the way he left it.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[EERIE MUSIC]

Oh, boy.

What a sports nut, huh?

May I?

Oh, yes. By all means.

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

ANNOUNCER [ON VIDEO]: Five seconds to go here in Super Bowl XVII.

Dolphins are trailing the 49ers by one.

This will win the game for Miami.

There's the snap.

Marino holds.

The kick.

And it's wide. Oh, no!

It's no good.

Ray Finkle blew a 26-yard field goal.

I don't believe it.

The Dolphins lose.

The Dolphins lose.

The Dolphins lose the Super Bowl.

Oh, no!

Melissa, it's Ace.

MELISSA [ON PHONE]: Ace, where are you?

I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.

Where's Dan Marino?

Marino? Why?

Because he's about to join Snowflake.

I've gotta know where he is!

Alright, he had a practice and then he has a commercial shoot

at the Bogart Sound Stage.

Okay, call the police.

Get extra security over there now.

Ace, what's going on?

Ace.

Ace!

Thought I left, didn't you?

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, I'm really gonna go this time.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

DIRECTOR: Okay. Here we go, folks. Very quiet and...

Action.

Hi, I'm Dan Marino.

And if anyone knows the value of protection, it's me.

- [TIRES SCREECH] - [SIRENS BLARING]

So I take care of the hands that take care of me...

[FOOTBALL PLAYERS GRUNT]

With Isotoner gloves.

DIRECTOR: Cut. Again from the top.

I said cut.

Guys, it's a cut.

DIRECTOR: What the hell are they doing?

MAN: Hey, guys!

DIRECTOR: That's a cut!

- Guys, that's a cut! - OFFICER: Paul, Hank, let's go!

What is this, a rewrite?

Shut up!

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES]

OFFICER 1: Where'd they go?

- OFFICER 2: Over there. - Let's go!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[OFFICERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Pet detective.

[TIRES SCREECH, ENGINE REVS]

[HORN HONKING]

[GUN FIRING]

ACE: Come on!

What's wrong with you?

Can't you hit me?

[GUN FIRES]

[GUN FIRES]

[PEOPLE SHOUT]

Whew!

[ENGINE STUTTERS]

[CLAMORING]

REPORTER 1: Lieutenant, have there been any ransom demands?

There's been no communication with the kidnappers at this time.

REPORTER 2: What's gonna happen with the Super Bowl, will it be postponed?

As of now, the game is on as scheduled.

REPORTER 1: Why wasn't the public told

about Snowflake's kidnapping?

EINHORN: Secrecy was essential.

We couldn't risk any public interference.

REPORTER 2: Are the crimes related?

And what about Roger Podacter's murder?

I'm sorry, I can't comment further.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[REPORTERS CLAMORING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Emilio, get me the autopsy on Podacter.

Aguado, send out a memo--

No one talks to the press.

AGUADO: Yes, ma'am.

And somebody get me some coffee!

Tonight on Miami Vice,

Crockett gets the boss a coffee.

Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom,

you better be gone!

ACE: Is it number one or number two?

I just wanna know how much time I have.

Hey, uh,

by the way,

I went ahead and solved that

pesky Snowflake-Podacter-Marino thing.

EINHORN: Oh, yeah?

Yeah, you ever heard of a former Dolphin kicker

named Ray Finkle?

Alright, Ventura.

Make it quick.

I found a rare stone

at the bottom of Snowflake's tank.

It belongs to a Dolphin '84 AFC championship ring.

It would've been a Super Bowl ring,

but Ray Finkle missed the big kick.

Blames the whole thing on Marino.

We're talking paranoid delusional psychosis.

I saw the guy's room.

Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter.

So how does Roger Podacter fit in?

My guess is...

Finkle was snooping around, Podacter recognized him.

End of story.

As for Snowflake,

they gave him Finkle's number,

taught him how to kick a field goal.

Finkle took it personally.

So where's Finkle now?

Busted out of a mental institute.

Did a Claude Raines. He's been plotting his revenge for years,

waiting for the perfect time

to get back at the Dolphins--

The time when it would hurt them the most--

Super Bowl time!

Man, I'm tired of being right.

Congratulations.

You've done some fine detective work.

Ace.

I'm sorry. Could you speak into my good ear?

I thought I heard you call me Ace.

Maybe I was wrong about you.

Maybe you are more than just a pet dick.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Your gun is digging into my hip.

What's wrong, Ace,

want me to read you your rights?

[ACE GROANS]

Maybe later.

What is it,

that bony little bitch Melissa Robinson?

No.

You just don't do anything for me.

[IMITATING BULLWHIP] Down, boy!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Everything okay in here?

I heard some commotion.

Fine, sergeant.

You want me to throw him out?

Why don't you throw yourself out?

Yes, ma'am.

[DOOR SHUTS]

Ace, I want you to leave everything to us.

I can't do that, lieutenant.

I was hired to find Snowflake.

When we find Marino,

we'll deliver Snowflake.

When I find Snowflake...

[WHISPERING] I'll deliver Marino.

[TIRES SQUEAL, ENGINE REVS]

[BARKS]

[KNOCKING]

ACE: Melissa, it's Ace.

Ace, what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night.

You have to commit me.

- [CLASSICAL MUSIC] - ACE: Finkle escaped from

Shady Acres in Tampa.

They still have some of his stuff.

MELISSA: Ace, they're not just gonna let us waltz in and look around.

ACE: I know. It's a good thing I'm a master of disguise.

DOCTOR: Mrs. Robinson.

- I'm Dr. Handly. - Hi.

Now, who is it you'd like us to have a look at?

My brother...

Larry.

I'm ready to go in, coach.

Just give me a chance.

I know there's a lot riding on it,

but it's all psychological.

Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.

I'm gonna execute a button-hook pattern

super slow-mo.

[EXAGGERATED GRUNTING]

Let's see that in an instant replay.

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

[IMITATING SPEECH PLAYING BACKWARDS ON REPLAY]

Your brother won't be the first

professional football player we've treated.

- Is that right? - Yes. We're very sensitive

to the emotional stress that athletes have to endure.

ACE: I'm open! I'm open!

I'm open!

We'll have to do some preliminary evaluations,

but I think your brother will fit in nicely here.

ACE: Over here!

Three-51!

Three-51!

Rover! Sit! Hut! Hut!

[BODY THUDS]

He seems to have some difficulty

- letting go of the game. - [ACE TRILLING]

Does he have a long history of mental illness?

As long as I've known him.

Hm.

And this is one of our therapy rooms.

And we do arts and crafts out here in the courtyard.

And this is the storage room.

And down the hallway here--

[IMITATES WHISTLE]

Halftime!

[HUMMING MARCHING SONG]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[THUD]

He'll be fine there by himself for the next...

20 minutes.

Well... why don't I show you the dormitories then?

Great.

WOMAN [ON PA]: Dr. Hyer, please call the page operator.

Dr. Hyer, please call the page operator.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[BUBBLE WRAP POPPING]

[RUSTLING]

"Finkle."

Isotoners.

Whew.

Obsess much?

ORDERLY 1: Hey, hey, where you going now?

ORDERLY 2: I'm going to clean the storage room.

ORDERLY 1: No, no, no. You're supposed to clean the cafeteria.

ORDERLY 2: Look here, I don't tell you how to do your job.

ORDERLY 1: Look, it says here on the schedule

to clean the cafeteria.

ORDERLY 2: I know what I'm doing. You understand that?

ORDERLY 1: You should've cleaned it earlier. Come on.

ORDERLY 2: Look, cafeteria my ass. I'm cleaning in here.

ORDERLY 1: No, no, you take breaks too long. You smoke--

ORDERLY 2: Man, you're a pain in the ass.

[PANTING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

"Search called off for missing hiker.

"A massive search ended today

"when rescue workers were unable to find the body

"of Lois Einhorn...

a hiker missing since Friday."

Lois Einhorn?

Holy shitballs!

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[HONKS]

EINHORN: What are you doing out here?

Get back to work.

OFFICER: Sorry, lieutenant.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

EMILIO: "Love, Roger"?

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS]

EMILIO [ON PHONE]: Yo, Ace. It's E.

You think the article that you found was something?

Check this out.

I got a note from Podacter to Einhorn,

thanking her for a wonderful Saturday evening.

Something ain't stirring the Kool-Aid, man.

- [MACHINE BEEPS] - Wiggles, rewind.

What the hell does Lois Einhorn

have to do with Ray Finkle?

Come on, think!

Finkle and Einhorn in it together. How?

Why?

All right, here we go.

Answer's right there.

Just gotta get some blood to the brain.

Finkle and Einhorn.

Finkle and Einhorn. Finkle and Einhorn.

Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn, Finkle and Einhorn.

Finkle, Einhorn. Finkle, Finkle.

F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

Einhorn and Finkle.

Finkle and Einhorn.

- Quitter! - [SNORING]

What do you want?

Huh?

I don't have any food for you.

I have to have money to buy food.

I have to have a dolphin to get the money.

I don't see a dolphin around here, do you?

[SIGHS]

Let's face it.

Your master is a loser.

Loo... hoo...

What the...

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

That's it.

That's it.

Einhorn is Finkle.

Finkle is Einhorn!

Einhorn is a man!

Oh, my God!

Einhorn is a man?

[DISGUSTED GRUNTS]

[RETCHING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[RETCHING]

[GROANING]

[SOBBING]

No!

No!

No...

[ENGINE STARTS]

"Your gun is digging into my hip."

Oh, God!

ANNOUNCER 1 [ON TV]: And the big story in this Super Bowl game,

just moments away, is the abduction of Miami's

starting quarterback, number 13, Dan Marino.

ANNOUNCER 2: It's got to be a strain on this Miami team, Bob.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[MEN SHOUT]

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[CAR APPROACHING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHEERING, CHATTER ON TV]

EINHORN: What's the matter, Dan?

Aren't you having fun?

I just love Super Bowl Sunday.

Don't you, Dan?

A magical afternoon,

where dreams are made...

- [GRUNTS] - And crushed.

Look, lady, if you want tickets,

you're going about it the wrong way.

[DAN GROANING]

EINHORN: Do I look familiar to you, Dan?

Does it seem as if we've met someplace before?

I--I don't know. I get hit in the head a lot.

ANNOUNCER 1: Now the coin toss.

EINHORN: Kickoff time--

My favorite thing.

ANNOUNCER 2: Bob, it looks like Philadelphia has elected to kick off!

That just shows that their defense...

EINHORN: Laces out.

With Marino out,

they're going to be putting a lot of pressure

on this young replacement quarterback.

[TENSE MUSIC]

- And there's the kick. - [FOOTBALL CRASHING]

This year's Super Bowl is underway!

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

I made some refreshments, Dan.

Would you like some refreshments, Dan?

I'll be right back...

- Dan. - [DAN GRUNTS]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[INTRIGUING MUSIC]

[WATER BUBBLES]

MAN: And it was his wife.

[MEN LAUGHING]

Hey, guys, I don't know how much psychowoman's paying you,

but I'll double it.

Hey, sorry, Danny boy, psychowoman keeps us out of prison.

Here, Snowflake. Here you go. Come on.

MAN 2: Check it out, Marino.

I'm throwing passes to a dolphin.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, you're better than Marino.

[SNOWFLAKE CLICKING]

Go get some more fish.

I ought to kill that dolphin.

[IMITATING SEAN CONNERY] Lovely party.

Pity I wasn't invited.

Where the hell's the smelt?

- [CLANG] - [GRUNTS]

[BODY THUDS]

Hm...

Unconscious--

Exactly as I planned.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLS]

[BARKS]

Hey, Roc, what the hell was that?

[GUN COCKS]

Oh, shit!

What the hell happened?

Hey, what's going on?

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Guess what, boys?

It's nap time.

- [SMASHING] - Oh, what a hit.

Did Herschel Walker ever take a hit on the...

ACE: Heads up!

Hi, Dan.

Who are you?

Ace Ventura, pet detective,

I've been sent in with a special play--

The quarterback sneak.

[COCKS GUN]

Penalty...

Too many men on the field.

I warned you, Ventura.

Whatever happened to Ace?

Good question.

Be careful with that phone, lieutenant.

In time, you could develop a tumor.

Aguado, it's Lieutenant Einhorn.

Send some men over to the Hallandale Yacht Basin

on Victoria Road.

I've got the kidnapper trapped in the warehouse.

It's Ace Ventura, pet detective.

- [SIRENS BLARING, TIRES SCREECH] - [OFFICERS SHOUTING]

WOMAN [ON RADIO]: Code 11 in progress, 343 Victorville road

at the old Hallandale Yacht Basin.

Officer needs backup.

Suspect's name-- Ace Ventura, male Caucasian.

Should be considered armed and dangerous.

It's Ace. We gotta break out of here.

[CHEERING, WHISTLE BLOWS]

MELISSA: Emilio, is he in trouble?

EMILIO: Don't worry. If there's one thing I know,

there's nothing Ace can't handle.

[SOBBING] Don't kill me.

Please.

I'll never tell anyone. I swear.

He's the one you want. Kill him!

No, no. Kill him!

- No, kill him! - Kill him, kill him!

- He held the ball, remember? - He's the detective.

- Come on! Look at the guy-- - [GUN FIRES]

- Crybaby. - Jock.

- Wimp! - Musclehead.

Shut up!

I think I'll kill the dolphin first.

I wouldn't want you to miss that.

ANNOUNCER 1: And there's the snap, the kick,

and it's good! Miami...

Good to see somebody who doesn't buckle under the pressure.

[COCKS GUN]

What would you know about pressure?

Well, I have kissed a man.

ANNOUNCER 1: Of course, there's never been a more crucial kick

in a Super Bowl

than the famous "kick heard 'round the world."

I mean, it's clear to me that it was a good hold.

Finkle just booted it.

The laces were in!

They were in!

- [GUN FIRES, TV SMASHES] - [ACE GRUNTS]

- [ROCK MUSIC] - [BOTH GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[ACE GROANS]

[YELLS]

- [THUDS] - [SCREAMS]

Oh, you like that?

- [YELLS] - You like that?

[EINHORN YELLING]

And that...

and that...

and that!

[GUN CLATTERS]

[GRUNTS]

[ACE GRUNTS]

Having a little trouble with the lady, Ace?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

You don't understand.

She's a...

[EINHORN GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Get him, Lois. Get him!

- [BOTH GRUNTING] - [ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]

[OFFICERS MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

- [SHOUTS] - [CLATTERS]

Yeah!

Shoot him!

[GUNS COCKING]

Shoot him!

EMILIO: Hold your fire!

Don't shoot!

MELISSA: Put your guns down or this cop gets it!

- I mean it! - [GUN COCKS]

EMILIO: She's not joking!

He kidnapped Snowflake!

- [STICK WHOOSHING] - He killed Roger Podacter!

And he was just about to kill Dan Marino and me!

[STICK THUDS, CLATTERS]

Ha-ha-ho!

Fiction can be fun,

but I find the reference section

much more enlightening.

For instance, if you were to look up

professional football's all-time bonehead plays,

you might read about a Miami Dolphin kicker

named Ray Finkle, who missed a 26-yard field goal

in the closing seconds of Super Bowl XVII.

[INHALES]

What you wouldn't read about

is how Ray Finkle lost his mind,

was committed to a mental hospital,

only to escape and join the police force

under the assumed identity of a missing hiker,

manipulating his way to the top

in a diabolical scheme to get even with Dan Marino,

whom he blamed for the entire thing.

[INHALES]

What the hell are you talking about?

She's not Lois Einhorn!

She's Ray Finkle.

She's a man.

He's lying!

Shoot him!

[CACKLING]

Let's just see who's lying, shall we?

Would a real woman have to wear one of these?

[GRUNTS]

[EINHORN GRUNTS, GROANS]

Boy, that's really on there...

but tell me this.

Would a real woman...

be missing these?

[FABRIC TEARS]

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

That kind of surgery can be done over the weekend!

But I doubt very much

if he could find the time

during his busy schedule

to get rid of big ol' Mr. Knish!

[FABRIC TEARS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, boy!

DAN: Psst!

Ace!

Come here.

Would you excuse me for just one second?

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Ladies and gentlemen,

my esteemed colleague Mr. Marino

has just brought some new evidence to my attention.

Now, history has certainly shown

that even the most intuitive criminal investigator

can be wrong from time to time,

but if I am mistaken,

if the lieutenant is indeed a woman,

as she claims to be,

then my friend, she is suffering

from the worst case of hemorrhoids

I have ever seen!

That's why Roger Podacter is dead!

He found Captain Winkie!

♪ I know all there is to know ♪

♪ About the crying game ♪

- [CLICKING] - ACE: Good night, everybody.

You've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here all week.

Be sure to tip your waitress.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Die, animal boy!

Quick decision.

[EINHORN YELLS]

[GROANS, PANTS]

[SHOUTS]

Loser!

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

- Ace! - Yeah, Dan?

Do you have any more of that gum?

That's none of your damn business.

And I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs.

DAN: You're a weird guy, Ace. Weird guy!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen!

The Miami Dolphins are proud to welcome back

to Joe Robbie stadium

our beloved mascot

and the star of our halftime show--

Snowflake!

[CROWD CHEERS]

And now, returning for the second half,

the Miami Dolphins' most valuable player--

Dan Marino!

[CROWD CHEERS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- [DOVE COOING] - Shh!

[COOING]

[IMITATES COOING]

[WINGS FLUTTERING]

- Idiot! - What?

Do you realize you've just done?

You just cost me 25 grand, Polly.

Yeah? Blow me.

[CHUCKLING] Really.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

ANNOUNCER: The National Football League

would now like to offer a special thank you

to the man who rescued Dan Marino,

and our beloved Snowflake,

a great humanitarian

and lover of all animals...

Mr. Ace Ventura!

[CROWD CHEERS]

MASCOT: Get--get off me!

Get off me!

ACE: Tone, put that big-ass size 13 on

and kick it for the homies.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GUTTURAL YELLING]

ACE: Just callin' my dog, man.

♪ Tricks are for kids And men are for tricks ♪

♪ Ace, he's the number one Pet dick ♪

♪ No need for a fireman ♪

♪ When your cat's up a tree ♪

♪ He's the one that you hire, man ♪

♪ Known to bring 'em back alive ♪

♪ If your cat's scratched ♪

♪ Or your turkey got jive ♪

♪ A little loco en la cabeza But still got charm ♪

♪ Brought her back To ol' MacDonald's farm ♪

♪ So, hey, diddle diddle, What's laid in the park ♪

♪ Chasin' more pets than Noah on his ark ♪

♪ No need for a paint if numbers get deleted ♪

♪ Ace on the case And the job is completed ♪

♪ Simple as Simon When I start rhymin' ♪

♪ always tell the truth, so you know I'm not lyin' ♪

♪ Down with the ladies As a lover, undercover ♪

♪ Yo, tell them where he's at, my brothers ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, tell them where Ace is at ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Uh, I don't believe they heard you ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Is he all up in the house? ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Well, if Ace is in the house, so must be Loc ♪

♪ Blowin' up like a cloud of smoke ♪

♪ Checkin' all of his bitches at home ♪

♪ But I'm the dog with the biggest bone ♪

♪ I grip the mic like pliers, No one's flyer ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is for hire ♪

♪ A floor room showpiece ♪

♪ Solvin' more crimes than the hot damn police ♪

♪ Tryin' to do it legal ♪

♪ Lookin' for a dolphin, Beatin' on an eagle ♪

♪ Nothin' ever planned ♪

♪ Ace got the face Of a helpful detective man ♪

♪ Crazy like Harpo ♪

♪ Busted out windows In his Monte Carlo ♪

♪ Loud clothes, black boots ♪

♪ Dutched-out hair, No time for a suit ♪

♪ But I don't give a damn if he's way out ♪

♪ Yo, tell them who's in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ I don't believe they heard ya ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, tell 'em one more time ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Tell them who's in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ I don't believe they heard you ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Is he runnin' thangs? ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Is he doin' thangs? ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ To the west side tribe ♪

♪ Tell 'em who's in the house ♪

♪ Ace is in the house ♪

♪ I said Ace is in the house ♪

♪ I said Ace is in the house ♪

♪ I said Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪

♪ Yo, Ace is in the house ♪