Original subtitles

Hello!

I am Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.

It's the penultimate episode of the series,

and our contenders only have a few tasks left

in which to earn the points they need to take this home.

My face. On a stick.

Makes you think, doesn't it?

Really makes you think.

Right, let's meet our semi- finalists now. They are...

Hugh Dennis!

Joe Lycett!

Lolly Adefope!

Mel Giedroyc!

And Noel Fielding!

[applause]

And for the seventh time in a row, look who's next to me.

[high-pitched] It's only little Alex Horne!

[applause]

That's all he needs.

You alright?

Yes, thank you.

- So we're almost finished. - Mm-hm.

You got a new job lined up?

[laughter]

No, I thought this was a...

I though it was a job for life,

'cause you keep saying I can never leave.

No, no. This is just a basic.

What are you gonna do to earn money to live with?

[Mel laughs]

S-sightseeing?

Sightseeing tours?

I quite like sightseeing.

Do you?

Well, I like seeing things.

I like it when you let me go to the park.

- I've made myself a... - [laughter]

I've made myself a name badge.

You have.

Just for this episode, just so...

Still trying to get the name out there.

So... Alex Horne.

"Happy to help." Two stars.

Who... who gave you the stars?

Well, I thought I get one for cleaning and one for applying your sun cream.

Right, so you presumed that I would be rewarding you.

You... Yes.

Right.

Yes, I... Sorry.

- OK. - Shall I take...

- Yeah. - Is it alright?

Yeah, let's take those off.

- Both of them? - [laughter]

I don't mind your name getting out there...

but I don't want anyone to think that you're competent.

[laughter]

Off we go, then.

The prize task.

What have we asked them to bring in this time?

Today we've asked them to bring in their best...

chair.

- [Greg] Ooh. - [audience] Ooh.

So you're gonna judge who's brought in the best chair.

I am.

And that chair will gain its owner a maximum score of five points.

Plus, as always, the winner of today's show will go home

with five chairs.

- [Greg whistles] - Fun.

Joe, you're up first.

What chair did you bring in for me?

I've sculpted a chair which is your head.

[laughter and applause]

[Alex] Does look like you.

So that the tongue will be like...

Yeah, like a nice, soft cushion.

So nice to see my puce, raddled flesh...

[laughter]

...turned into a chair concept, Joe.

Is that chair-size?

No, it's actually about that big, what I've made.

But you're committing to make it...

Yes, I will make it into a full chair if it wins.

If it wins? What if it comes mid-ranged? Third?

I've got quite a lot on, Greg.

[laughter]

We're all busy, mate, but I still need to sit down.

[laughter]

Lolly?

Er, I got a huge bean bag.

[everyone] Oooh.

[Alex] There it is.

- [Lolly] It's to scale. That's the size. - [Alex] That is to scale, pretty much.

[Mel] It looks like a Jiffy bag.

- [laughter] - Yeah, it does.

Do you want the proportion to the bean bag?

I think it's nine foot by six foot, isn't it?

- It's a big bean bag. - Get out of town! Is it?

- [laughter] - Yeah.

It's good.

It is big, and I like big.

Uh, Mel?

Now, I've gone really small.

Oh, that's unfortunate, following what I just said.

[laughter]

It is my favourite chair, though.

It was in my dolls' house that I used to play with as a child.

And it was the chair on which Philip Pennyfield used to sit.

[laughter]

Philip Pennyfield.

I had a family of dolls called the Pennyfields.

- [Alex] Shall I show them? - Yeah, do.

This is Philip Pennyfield's chair.

[Mel] Philip Pennyfield's chair. Isn't that sweet?

And it's about-- I hate this expression, but I will use it...

Yea high.

[laughter]

All the other Pennyfields are made with metal shoes and pipe-cleaner legs.

It had metal shoes?

Young Philip was just made of cotton.

He was...

Yeah, he's quite floppy. I've still got him.

[laughter]

I think it's a very cute chair, but you have to bear in mind,

that you knew that I was gonna be the person

who would be impressed or not impressed by a chair.

What could I fit on that chair?

I'll tell you what. One of my testicles, Mel.

[laughter]

Hugh?

Yeah, well, I've chosen my best chair for...

largely sentimental reasons, really.

Yep.

Because it was a thing that my son referred to as his best chair.

And I have a picture of him sitting on it.

- [laughter] - [audience] Awww.

[Greg] That's very sweet, Hugh.

[Hugh] It's lovely, isn't it?

One of my favourites so far. Noel?

I was thinking about getting you a chair,

and then I thought it'd be good to get you a cool chair.

Chairs aren't very cool, they're a bit sort of pedestrian.

And the coolest thing in the world is probably David Bowie, yeah?

[Mel] Ooh, hear, hear.

Check this baby out.

[Mel sighs]

[they gasp]

- [Noel] I know, it is pretty cool. - [Mel] That is great!

- [applause] - That is so good.

You've got to judge this now, then.

I'm gonna give you first place, Hugh,

because I think it's really sweet.

Um, our second place...

D'you know what?

Just because it's massive and 'cause nothing fits me...

Do you understand how frustrating that is?

I have to buy my clothes online.

Lots of people buy their clothes online.

But I have to, I have no choice.

I can't go to a shop, and I was gonna put you in second...

[laughter]

Now you've got all fucking eggy...

[laughter]

you have can have third. That's how it works.

[Mel] Lolly!

So, in second place, I'm gonna put Noel's lovely David Bowie chair.

[applause]

In third place, I suppose...

I'll put Lolly's really comfy, massive bean bag that I like so much.

- Yay! - [applause]

So we've got prototype chair or doll's chair.

Yeah, if that was a real chair, if he'd gone to the trouble of making it,

he'd have been right up there as well, but I'm gonna put him

- in fourth place. - No, I made the concept!

I just don't trust you. I think that if you won,

you'd just go, "Right, that'll do. I'm leaving it at that."

But she brings in a glorified matchstick...

[laughter]

Mel? She's in last place.

Oh, thank fuck for that.

[laughter]

I'm really-- I can't believe-- Philip Pennyfield...

[small voice] He's gonna be very upset.

Aww. Never mind!

- Right! - [laughter]

- Joe Lycett in fourth. - Yeah.

- Mel Giedroyc in fifth. - Correct.

So the winner of this task is Mr Hugh Dennis!

[applause]

At last!

What's the next task, please, Alex?

It involved me, Alex Horne...

doing some eating.

How many stars?

- Not yet. None yet. - Correct.

[laughter]

Here I am, gobbling away.

Hi, Alex!

Hello, Mel!

Ooh, snacks.

There's a glass of milk there.

And is that some bread?

"Stand on one leg, then continue reading."

No, that one.

"Your raised foot must not touch the ground..."

"...until the task is complete."

"Bring Alex his dinner."

"Every time your raised foot touches the ground,

you must eat a slice of Alex's dinner."

"Most dinner delivered fastest wins."

"Your time starts... now."

[applause]

You like a little snack, don't you, Mel?

I do.

See something, eat it. Lovely.

We'll see Lolly, Joe and Mel.

I should say, you're gonna get a five-second penalty

per slice of my dinner that you've eaten. OK?

"Your time starts... now."

So that's once.

[she laughs] That's really... Right, sorry, one sandwich going in.

[muffled] Sorry.

That's impossible, how do you hop-- Oh, sod it.

[laughter]

Shit.

[laughter]

- Is it just foot to ground? - [Lolly] Yes.

That's two slices of-- Three!

Sorry, it's gotta go down.

[laughter]

Don't need all that bread, do I?

[laughter]

You have to eat six...

and then give me my dinner.

Dinner time!

Thank you, Joe.

[Lolly groans]

[laughter]

[muffled] Sorry. It's gotta go in.

[laughter]

[she gags]

Ugh!

Please could you give me my dinner?

Thank you, Lolly.

Yummy.

Enjoy.

[applause]

So all three going for, uh...

hop and gobble.

- Yeah, hop and gobble. - [laughter]

Although Lolly gobbled at the end, rather than during.

- That was her tactic. - She did.

Save time.

You looked like you were having some...

- real problems there. - Horrible time.

- [Greg] Horrible. - Hated it.

Lolly had to eat six slices of bread, 900 calories,

which meant I was 900 calories short,

which is why I was faint that evening.

- [Greg] Yeah. - [laughter]

She was also-- I'm sorry, Lolly, you were the slowest.

You started sliding to avoid the hopping.

And then you abandoned that because you were worried that

the bread was gonna get soggy, which was nice of you.

Yeah.

Mel was a lot quicker, two minutes 25.

- Five slices. - [Greg] Yep.

And then, uh, old Joe Lycett...

- One minute 41. - [Greg] Old Joe Lycett.

One 41 and four slices. Very fast hopping.

- Very fast hopping. - [Greg whistles]

Great hopping, great bread- gobbling. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Interestingly, Joe sped up after each slice.

He sped up, did he?

He sped up after each slice.

Wow, so you're sort of bread-powered Lycett.

[laughter]

This is the generic link into the commercial break.

See you soon for part two.

Part three.

Part four.

Then they can just pick the right one from there and edit it in.

Hello, viewers!

Welcome back to Taskmaster...

where comedians are trying to take each other's chairs away,

leaving them, once again, as standups.

[laughter]

- Alex. - Yes.

Catch us up with the stuff, please.

OK, it's a tasty task. They're all trying to bring me my dinner on one leg.

And through bunting, the way you like it.

Lolly, Joe and Mel have done it so far.

Joe is currently in the lead.

Up next, Hugh Dennis.

"Your time starts now."

[Hugh] Scissors, please.

[bunting twangs]

[applause]

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Hugh.

[applause]

Oh, it's all there, though!

[cheers and applause]

Very good.

That's more like it. Incredible.

And entirely in keeping with your character across the whole series.

One of a low-level psychopath.

[laughter]

It's the twelfth time he's used a blade during the series.

[laughter]

And what I like, when Hugh does get destructive,

'cause sometimes he can appear very cuddly and kind,

when he does get destructive,

his vocabulary shrinks and he uses minimal words.

You'll notice that the only words he used in that clip were

[both] "Scissors, please."

[laughter]

[Greg] Really good, Hugh.

One minute...

48. So he was seven seconds slower than Joe, but no time penalties.

- [Greg] No slices. - [Alex] No slices.

Do you want to find out if Hugh is faster at hopping than Noel, though?

- The big question. - [Greg] Yeah, I do.

OK, well, this is the final competitor. Noel Fielding.

[Noel laughs] Oh, no!

Thank you, Noel.

- One missing. - [muffled] Mmm.

Not too bad. I've stopped the clock.

- Very agile. Nimble. - [muffled] Is that it?

Thank you, Noel. That's great.

That's lovely. Thank you very much.

[applause]

It's funny that you never really know a person.

I'm part flamingo.

[laughter]

Where'd you learn to hop like that?

I- I don't think I've ever tried.

It's just something that as I was doing it, I thought,

"Oh, yeah. I'm good at this."

Better even than old Scissor Boy.

Hey! Do you want to race later?

We've just had one.

[laughter]

[applause]

I was over the finish line while you were

rummaging through the cutlery drawer.

That's true.

It was very quick, 46.1 seconds.

[Mel] Strong, Noel.

[applause]

OK, well, unfortunately, Lolly, you did come last in that one.

And then it goes Mel, then Joe, then Hugh,

then the winner was Noel Fielding!

[cheers and applause]

The exciting news is we have joint leaders at this stage of the show.

The leaders are Hugh and Noel at the moment,

on nine points. There we go.

[cheers and applause]

And I thought I'd give myself a star for doing the scoreboard...

Give it to me.

OK.

[laughter]

- What's next? - [Mel] Aww.

The next one is a bit like hide-and-seek.

It's... it's...

- This one is hide-and-seek. - Yep.

Ready?

Hello.

[quietly] Where's Alex?

Hmm, where's he hiding?

Cato style.

Melt that down for later.

"Hide from Alex. Alex is in the caravan."

"He has already started counting to 100."

Oh, my God. He's starting counting.

"Hide from Alex. Alex is in the caravan."

"He has already started counting to 100."

[she laughs]

Nine, ten, eleven...

[applause]

What I like to do, when we're at home,

is to send Alex off to hide,

and then I go on holiday.

[laughter]

Twice. Twice, you've done that.

Shall we start with Hugh Dennis and Joe Lycett hiding?

- Yes, yes. - OK, that's lucky.

Here we go.

Nine patatas, ten patatas...

[Alex] 12, 13, 14, 15...

[Alex] 44, 45...

Anything? That's just a wall.

There is no upstairs.

Forty-eight... nine... fifty.

[Alex] 56, 57, 58...

[laughter]

[Alex] 99...

100!

Coming, ready or not!

I'm coming, Joe!

- Joe? - [laughter]

He's looking in the garden at the moment.

[squawking noise]

- [they laugh] - [laughter]

[Hugh] I thought I saw you coming through the front door.

He's... he's...

I think...

[laughter]

I stopped the clock, Joe!

- [laughter] - I've found you!

[laughter and applause]

You know the rules of hide-and-seek, right?

Yeah, but then when he spotted me, I was really frightened.

- [laughter] - I don't know, I just...

I wanted to get away from him.

And what was your strategy?

My strategy was I thought I could work out

where he was, and then go where he wasn't.

Yeah.

And I thought I saw him go round the side,

but actually, I think what I'd seen was the cameraman following him.

[laughter]

I was hiding from the wrong person, so I went into the living room,

thinking I would be fine.

And then he basically just opened the door, and we went...

[laughter]

Literally, you are as stealthy as a cow.

[laughter]

- Do you want some times? - Yeah, I do.

I mean, Joe ran for two minutes following the find.

- [laughter] - Yeah.

But he hid successfully for one minute and nine seconds.

Hugh hid for one minute and nine seconds.

- Exactly the same. - [Hugh] Really?

[Greg] What, really?!

- [applause] - Wow.

OK, do you wanna see the man wearing a yellow boiler suit hide?

[Greg] Yes.

OK. Here's Noel Fielding.

Three... four... five...

six... seven... eight... nine...

ten... eleven...

34... 35...

There's no one in there, is there?

94... 95... 96... 97...

98... 99... 100!

Coming, ready or not!

[laughter]

Ah, there you are.

[Noel laughs]

- Could you see me? - Yeah.

- Damn. - Yeah.

[applause]

I mean, it was initially so impressive.

- The movement was that of a tiger. - I know.

But tigers tend to blend in.

They don't wear a fucking yellow boiler suit.

The only yellow ninja.

Until... the moment.

I looked around the corner of the caravan and thought,

"Ooh, that can't be Noel."

But then I thought, "Oh, no, that is Noel."

- [laughter] - Yeah.

- Sixteen seconds. - Sixteen!

[laughter]

You're not gonna believe this, but that's the end of part two.

Part three next, and after that, part four.

But first, part three.

See you in part three.

Well, hello, part three!

Alex, what was it you were looking for before the break?

I was looking for them.

And I found... them.

Uh, very easily.

Would you like to see me looking for women?

[laughter]

I would. I would like to see you hunting women.

- [laughter] - OK.

Here I go.

10... 11... 12...

14... 15... 16...

67... 68... 69...

90... 91... 92...

I'm going in the cupboard.

A hundred!

Coming, ready or not!

Oh, my God!

There, you got me on the, um...

I still feel... I shouldn't have gone...

- [laughter] - No, it was fine.

- Good game. Thanks. - Yeah, cheers.

[laughter]

Lolly?!

I feel like I've looked everywhere.

Lolly?!

We've finished!

[stressed laugh]

[laughter]

Lolly?!

- [phone rings] - She's calling.

Hi, Lolly.

[Lolly] Quite noisy here.

Doesn't sound noisy. It doesn't sound noisy, Lolly.

Quite a lot of people here.

Put someone else on then, Lolly.

OK, one second.

[in Scottish accent] Hello there!

[laughter]

Oh, she's sent me a picture.

Well, that was sent one minute ago.

She's wearing a different outfit.

[he sighs] Ah, God.

Right, round we go again.

Is that her?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Well done. Nice to see you.

- Good game? - Not bad.

- You have fun? - No.

[applause]

The first question I've got is for Alex.

- And my question is... - [laughter]

Did you accidentally feel Mel's boobs?

[laughter]

[laughter]

There was a drive-by. Both of them.

[laughter]

And possibly in the Pennyfield area as well.

[laughter]

It was fine!

You saw there was a little bit of awkwardness.

Yeah, I found you after two and a half minutes,

and then felt embarrassed for three days.

[laughter]

I didn't feel Lolly's boobs, just for the record.

I didn't feel just... I didn't. No.

I'd looked for you twice in that room.

She was in the tiniest nook in a shower cubicle, with a plank...

Yeah, there was a plank...

and I was sort of in the triangle crest.

Also, you taunted me.

I did.

And the taunting was just wonderful.

I sent a photo of me on the beach,

and maybe one of me as a baby as well.

That was confusing. That was very...

"That's gonna baffle him, isn't it?"

You've hidden yourself in time.

[laughter]

It took 23 minutes.

[cheers and applause]

So in that task, Noel came fifth,

and we had joint third of Joe and Hugh,

Mel in second, Lolly Adefope in first place.

[cheers and applause]

She can hide, that girl.

Right, have you got another task ready?

I have, and it's sad news.

It's the final team task of the series.

[everyone] Awww.

Shall I?

Yeah, go on, love.

"Get this wheelie bin across the finishing line."

- [Mel laughs] - OK.

"One of you must be in the wheelie bin at all times."

"The other person must be blindfolded at all times."

"The wheelie bin rider must direct

the wheelie bin drivers to complete the course..."

"...and the five challenges within it."

"Also, no one can speak English."

[laughter]

Well, I think I ought to push the bin, don't you?

I think you should go in the wheelie bin.

Do you might being there with that on your head?

[cheers and applause]

Just to confirm, both teams immediately put the women in the bin.

[laughter]

We're gonna see the older couple first.

Two women in a bin. Let's... Let's rock.

Ooh, votre temps!

"Votre temps commence maintenant."

Allons y, allons y!

A gauche! A gauche! A gauche!

Tournez. Reversez entre le... le truc.

Non, non, non! Pas maintenant.

Il faut aller a la porte... et plus il faut reverser.

[laughter]

[Hugh] Before...? No.

Allons y. Allons, allons y. A gauche.

- Ici? - A gauche.

[she laughs] A gauche! Hugues!

- Et reverser, entre le porte. - Ici?

Tu reverse maintenant.

Non. Oui, oui, oui!

Bon, bon, bon, bon.

Erreur! Attention!

Non, non, non, non!

Alors, alors! Attends.

Pour onze secondes.

OK? Un, deux, trois...

quatre, cinq, six, sept, huit, neuf, dix.

Onze.

[Hugh] Et oui?

Plus, c'est moi. Oui. Allons y.

Ah, non!

Oh! [she laughs]

Nouns allons a gauche, s'il vous plait.

- Comme ça? - Très, très bon.

Et maintenant.

- Arrete, s'il vous plait. - Oui.

- Tu dois faire le boof! - Boof?

- [laughter] - Tu dois faire la boof-boof.

A la balon. Oui.

Il faut burster le balon. Oui!

- [applause] - Hugues!

- Et, reverser, s'il vous plait. - Reverser, oui.

Allons y. Allons y.

- Et maintenant nous faisons... - Oui.

- Oui? - Le...

- C'est le signe de basketball. - Oui?

C'est le signe de cool.

Avec les mains! Eh!

- Haut cinq. - Haut cinq! Oui.

Eyyy.

Tres... [she laughs] Tres bon!

- Et maintenant? - Hugues! Allons y. Allons y!

Directement. A le... fini.

- A le fini? - Oui!

- C'est tout? C'est tout? - Oui, oui, oui!

Maintenant, il faut... faire ca...

- Ah, qu'est-ce que c'est que ca? - [applause]

[cheers and applause]

I asked the producer to look up for me the French for the name Hugh,

- while we were watching that. - Oui?

- It isn't Hugues, you'll be surprised to learn. - Hugues, Hugues.

Just... just Hugh.

[laughter]

I was a bit confused by that.

So the other team chose a different language.

Do you want to see the children and Noel do the other language?

[laughter]

Here's Joe, Lolly and Noel. Here we go.

OK. Ja, ja, ja!

[laughter]

- Eine... links. - [Joe] Links? Left. Links, links.

Schnell. Uh, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.

Halt.

[laughter]

- Nicht schnell aber... - Not forward.

- Backwards? Backwards? - Ja, ja, ja.

- We have to go backwards? - Ja, ja, ja!

Ja.

Ein bisschen links.

Schnell.

[Joe] Jesus.

Halt.

[Joe] Was ist das? Ist das...?

- [Joe mumbles in German] - [Noel] Oh, God.

Ja, ein bisschen links.

Schnell, schnell, schnell. Halt!

[Joe] Io non parlo Italiano.

Hier ist ein... balloon.

Si.

B... b... br... [she laughs]

- Er, bridge? There's a bridge? - No!

- Uber die Brucke? - Nein!

K... killt!

- Kill it? - Killt!

- Kill it? - Ja!

- [Noel] Burst the balloon. - Ja!

[laughter]

[Noel] Stamp on it!

Erm, schnell, schnell, schnell!

Schnell, schnell, schnell, schnell.

Schnell. Rechts. Rechts. Ja!

JA!

Schnell, schnell, schnell.

Uhh, halt.

[Noel laughs] High five.

[they giggle]

Ja! Schnell!

Links.

Schnell, schnell, schnell!

- Links, links. - Links, links, links!

- [Alex] Stop the clock! - [she laughs]

[applause]

Schnell.

- Halt! - Schnell...

Schnell hasn't been screamed like that for over 60 years.

[laughter]

Incredible dialogue between you two,

hampered as you were by a seemingly half-pissed skeleton.

[laughter]

So the married couple did it in six minutes and 39 seconds.

- The bickering French couple. - [Alex] Yes. Monsieur et madame.

Whereas as the others did it in six minutes...

- and three seconds. - [they gasp]

[audience] Oooh.

[applause]

So I don't know how you want to award the points.

I think we've got to give everybody points,

so I think three points for the fastest team,

two points for the slower team.

OK, and a star...?

No stars.

No stars for naughty boys.

[laughter]

I feel we've got time for another one.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What?

Oh, that's spooky.

- Cool guy. - [Alex] Mm-hm.

Oh. [she laughs]

Is he based on you?

[Alex] I'm based on him.

You're based on him?

He's quite beautiful, actually.

Strange slippers, though.

[Alex] They're my slippers.

[he laughs] Beautiful slippers.

Argh!

The arm-- Literally, the arm moved down.

If that thing starts walking, I'm probably gonna vomit.

[laughter]

"Unveil a new handshake."

"Best new handshake wins."

"You have five minutes to develop your new handshake."

"Then three minutes to demonstrate your new handshake with Alex."

What was the point of him?

Chest bump?

Bit early noughties, isn't it?

The old...

[laughter]

Ooh.

[crunching noise]

Like a sort of water pump.

I don't think I need the five minutes.

[Alex] You're ready to demonstrate it with me?

Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

Sorry, that's... that's...

[laughter]

[applause]

Where did your head go?

Mel, "I'm probably going to vomit if this moves."

Is that a reaction to stress for you?

I don't like mannequins.

Oh, it's just mannequins?

Yeah, I'm not that keen on that head either.

No? I don't like it either, and it's mine.

So the mannequin was called Bernard. Bernard Mannequin.

And we're gonna start off with...

[laughter]

We're gonna start off with Mel.

[both] Brrr, brrrr.

Diddly-diddly-di.

Bish, bash, bosh.

[Mel] Give, receive.

[both] Rrrr, rrrr.

[they chant]

[Alex] Slide.

Back in.

[both] Yuuuhhh.

[laughter]

Dish, dosh.

That's it.

Couldn't have done it much better than that.

[applause]

Sort of a mum version of a street handshake.

"Give, receive..."

[laughter]

That was my favourite bit.

We've got another gangster handshake immediately.

OK.

Which out of these do you think is in a gang?

[Greg] It's Hugh Dennis, right?

Yes, Hugh Dennis. This is his gangster shake.

- Hi. - Hi.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[applause]

Yeah, quite European.

You know, in the male world, silence counts for quite a lot, doesn't it?

It was very male and yet I imagined you both in a sauna.

[laughter]

Do you wanna see how the youth do it?

Lolly is our youngest.

- Oh, hello, Alex. - Oh, hello, Lolly.

Ooh. What's this?

£20?

And there's something else, there's...

some chewing gum.

And what's this?

It's paracetamol and codeine.

- [laughter] - It's delicious. Thank you.

Well, there you have it. The perfect handshake.

[applause]

Money.

Fresh breath.

Painkillers.

Mmm. I had a headache, my breath smelt,

and you don't pay me, so it was...

- much appreciated. - Very sweet.

What did you spend the £20 on?

I gave it to Greg.

[laughter]

He did.

And I bought ham with it.

- [laughter] - That's what I wanted.

Oh, and that's the end of part three.

See you soon for the final part of the show.

Hello!

Welcome back. It's part four of the show.

Where were we?

We were doing handshakes, which are like milkshakes, but handier.

So far we've seen the old- schoolers Mel and Hugh,

then we've seen how the kids do it with Lolly.

Next up, we're gonna have a look at... Noel.

[Alex] I didn't enjoy it.

- But we're gonna find out if you do. - We'll be the judge of that.

Hi, Alex. You ready?

- I think so. - OK.

Lower your hand slightly.

That's good.

- [laughter] - Bit more. Tiny bit more.

That's good. We're almost in.

I feel... I feel something.

- Can you feel something? - I like the sensation.

Give that a little jiggle. Go a bit lower.

Bit lower.

Are we shaking hands yet?

I think we're shaking hands.

And you know what?

I think...

I think we might be done.

- [Alex] Bye. - Bye. Take care.

OK.

[applause]

The old classic dick-hand.

Haven't seen it for years.

If you've got one, you might as well use it.

Did you enjoy it, Alex?

I like being in a wheelbarrow, 'cause I'm very used to it now.

Yeah?

- When we go on holiday together. - Yeah.

And I didn't mind being far...

You know, I don't like people getting within personal space.

I like being six foot away in case I faint and then catch myself on them.

Yeah.

So I like the distance, but seeing...

- [Greg] Seeing the cold reality... - [Alex] Yeah.

...of you using a pole with a glove on the end to touch a man's genitals,

that happen to be a hand.

Made you uncomfortable, didn't it?

I think I've had that dream, like a...

- Yeah? - [laughter]

- Do you want to see the last one? - Yes, please.

- Joe Lycett? - Yeeeah.

[laughter]

This is Joe.

Put your hand out like that...

and then it's just a...

[laughter]

How long do we do it for?

For the three minutes.

[laughter]

Eye contact, is it?

Yeah.

[laughter]

[Joe] Not that aggressive. Soft.

It's quite soothing, isn't it?

[Alex] Hmm. Quite far away from you.

Yeah, that's right.

You're getting quite fast.

Yeah, it gets faster as the three minutes goes on.

[laughter]

You're just looking at it now. Can I look at it?

Shh.

[laughter]

I love you.

Pardon?

[he laughs]

I love you.

And then you have to say it back. Like that.

I love you.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

That was it.

- I love you. - I love you.

Now, right, really build the speed up.

- And that's it. - Mm-hm.

[laughter]

- Can I go? - Mm-hm.

[applause]

Cheers.

[laughter and applause]

I mean, genuinely creepy.

But I've loved it, because I love seeing him uncomfortable.

And I know that really he hated every second of that.

- Hmm. - Yeah.

The full 180 seconds.

He was the only one who used the full three minutes.

[laughter]

Give you your money's worth.

I'm gonna be pretty swift with this.

I can't really separate the two gangsters...

- Mel and Hugh. - ...and Lolly.

[Greg] I'm gonna give them a joint third place.

OK, so we're starting at third.

- Yes. - Are you going up or down?

I'm going up from there, obviously.

Yes.

- I can't take any more off. - Fuck me.

[laughter]

I personally am excited by a man with a hand for a penis,

so I'm going to put him in second.

But I have never seen such an unsettling...

awful performance as the winner of that task, Mr Joe Lycett.

[applause]

Scoreboard?

OK, well, it's tense. Of course it is.

We still have joint leaders and they've not budged for a while.

The joint leaders are Hugh and Noel, but anyone could win it in the final task,

except for Mel.

[laughter and applause]

Right, the end is in sight.

Will you please make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?

[cheers and applause]

Oh, well this looks interesting, Alex.

- Mm-hm. Ten bananas. - Ten bananas.

[Alex] Ten bananas each. Glue, stapler, gaffer tape, chopping board.

[Greg] And could we get someone to read out the task?

Yes, who would you like?

Uhh, Mel.

Luckily, I've adopted the reading-out-the-task pose.

You have.

I'll just melt that down later.

Yeah.

Right. Oh, lads, this is... this is really good.

OK.

"Make the best and biggest all-round banana out of these bananas."

"You have 100 seconds, after which the Taskmaster will judge your bananas."

[Greg] Yes, I will.

- Thank you. - Cheers, Al.

OK, so it's best and biggest all-round banana.

Good luck. [blows whistle]

[audience cheers]

- [Greg] The best and biggest banana. - [Alex] Different techniques, straight away.

Bollocks.

Why are the women on the floor?

[Greg] It's a step up from the bin.

[laughter]

You've gotta get a curve on a banana.

[Alex] Lovely curve.

♪ We're almost the-e-ere. Oo-oo-oo ♪

- [Alex] Ten seconds! - [Greg] Ten!

[cheers and applause]

[audience] Three... two... one...

[blows whistle]

[Greg] Stop banana-ing!

Stop making your bananas, please. OK, so...

Would you like me to...?

Yes, please. I would like you to talk me through the bananas.

Shall we start with Noel?

Hello! Long banana.

You've done a long, S-shaped banana.

That classic banana shape.

And I'll tell you whose it's better than.

[laughter]

I've made... ban-unting.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

The only way that that statement

and that chain of bananas

should get a round of applause,

is if it is presented by a five-year-old.

[laughter]

- Mm-hm. Move on to Lolly? - [Greg] Yes, please.

I will say, in your favour, she's the only one who's peeled the bananas.

Are you saying that the raw bananas inside...?

- I could peel her banana. - There's raw banana inside.

What I've done is sort of decorated it around...

- With the skins? - With skins and inside as well.

So you've created a big banana.

- Yes. - That's really good.

Where's your banana, Joe?

Here it is.

- [Alex] Oh, it's a big one. - Look how big this banana is.

[laughter]

And if you peel it...

just here and only here...

[laughter]

Look, the real essence of banana.

Just like a banana, but look how big it is.

Big old banana, that.

Big banana!

And finally, Hugh Dennis's banana.

It's just a big fucking banana.

[laughter and applause]

OK, here we go.

Do you want to start with the worst all-round banana?

Yes, Mel, I do.

What?!

[laughter]

The ban-unting?

Ban-unting is not gonna catch on, my friend.

You're gonna take that into last place.

And fourth place for Noel.

Hugh can go next. Look at the state of him.

[laughter]

And I really liked Joe's banana,

but something told me it was part of the stage.

[Alex] Do you think?

- [Greg] Yep. - What?

And, you know, if it's a big banana, if it's a beautiful banana,

and it's a functional banana...

It's a Lolly banana. Simple as that.

- Yeeees! - [applause]

[applause]

So what has that banana drama done to our scores?

Very nice. Well, it's added a lot of drama to the scores.

For the first time ever in Taskmaster history,

we have a three-way tie at the top.

[audience] Whoa!

Let's have a look.

[everyone gasps]

[applause]

I don't even know what we do in a three-way tie.

A task, Greg. A tie-break task.

And this time, we got them to open a jar of mayonnaise.

Unfortunately, I spilt Vaseline all over the jar before they opened it.

So here is the mayonnaise tie-break.

Just feel like I might need them.

"Open this jar."

"The jar may not leave the lab. Fastest time wins."

"Your time starts now."

Done.

[jar thuds]

- [laughter] - It's open.

[Alex] No, it's open, yeah. It's open.

Am I allowed to do the task...

if I think I know what the task is, without looking at the task?

[Alex] You do whatever you want, Joe.

[Alex] Oh, that was quick.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, so with a time of zero seconds,

the winner of this episode...

Mr Joe Lycett.

[applause]

Joe, please take that chair to the stage and collect your other chairs!

[cheers and applause]

So, what have we learnt today?

Well, we've learnt that once upon a time,

there was a family called the Pennyfields.

They lived in a little house. Some had pipe-cleaner legs.

Some had metal shoes.

Their owner was insane.

[laughter]

That's show seven, then.

Please give another round of applause for today's winner,

Mr Joe Lycett!

See you next time for the final of Taskmaster.

Good night!

[subtitles by tribbletown]