Original subtitles

You Camilla nothing like a quiet Saturday in Balmoral clean Scottish air

dirty Scottish people Yes, I do so love our weekends away no

responsibilities just like every other day What in the devil is that

racket daddy

What are you two doing here? This castle is for royals only.

Oh, Charles, don't be such a grump.

Hello, sweet Harry.

And beautiful Meghan, as brown as ever.

Gee, thanks. Hey, Step Queen, I brought you a gift.

Oh, Meghan, you shouldn't have.

It's ice.

I made it myself.

I can give you the recipe. I'm kind of whizzing the kitchen.

It's true.

She hires the best cooks.

I love you.

I love you more. No, I love you more. No, I love you more, baby. I love you

more. Stop that! Stop that!

What do you two want?

We're moving back to the UK and we need your help.

Don't tell me you've spent all your Netflix money already.

Daddy, it was $60 million.

How long was it meant to last?

I'm not asking for much, just a Dutchie or two.

There's a waste you've become you're lucky your father isn't around to see

this

Nevermind

nevermind Daddy just because I don't want to be a royal doesn't mean I want

to be a regular guy Somebody say regular guy

What are you doing here?

I'm the new PM, and I'm nothing like the last one.

Harry, Meghan, I'm here to tell you that just because you're normal folk doesn't

mean your life has to be crap.

That is the Burnham promise.

My God, he's magnificent.

Look at those lashes.

Hey, love, my eyes are down here. Hey, come on, we're all here.

Now... Hey, now listen up, cockers.

Because the people have spoken.

All 300 people who decided I was to be Prime Minister.

And the message is clear.

There is more to Britain than London.

There is Manchester.

There is Liverpool.

There's that town that I'm the MP of now.

It's all a bit of a rush. I didn't catch the name.

Make a field? Maybe I will make a field.

I'm going to make... all sorts of things once I remember the name of that bloody

place. And speaking of building, mark my words, Number 10 North is just the

start. I will not stop until there is a Number 10 on every street in this

country.

Even streets that only have nine houses on them. We will build one more.

You see, you shaggisty, like...

Like Gary Barlow before me, I'm just a regular man from the north.

With a dream, a relatable manner, and a massive son.

Shout out the Giacomo big and tall range.

Because of you, my boy looks banging.

What do you say, Megan?

Shall we be regular folk, just like Andy? What the heck? I like him more

than the last guy.

That's my whole thing.

So hear this.

Yes, there are dark forces out there trying to divide us. And yes, they will

succeed.

But until then, I say, let's have a pint. I will buy everybody a pint.

Because I want you to like me.

I need you to like me.

LIE FROM THE D-

They're too sweet. Hey, can you believe?

This is Saturday night, first of all. Our night to howl. And me, I'm hosting

this gosh darn SNL UK triumphant second season, first episode.

Come on.

I'm a lucky guy.

So, for the occasion, may we perform something that we've just composed now

for you, special for tonight?

There's a piano. What's that doing there? Jesus, Jesus.

The band is so good. Can we do a little bit of that vamp? You know what a jazz

vamp is?

That's right.

That's right.

I think this would go well with this Count Basie lick that I know I could add

to this. He's the classiest piano player of all time. You may recognize it.

Listen to this.

Here we go, listen to this.

Hello mates, let's begin From Hampshire to Warrington To the earth girls

An easy salutation These are big shoes to fill

But I'll keep the big chill With this band and a grand orchestration

Well, I'm hoping to be Your precise cup of tea

And that you'll like me more than Nandos or Marmite.

Like a VIP guest at the Grand Budapest. I'm hosting

right here in London tonight.

I keep screwing up names like Akwe on the Thames. I got lost

in Leicester looking for Leicester. What's the matter with me if my accent

offends? My Shakespearean friends, sounding like poor Dick Van Dyke, I

tried me best, sir.

Help this daft Yankee chap learn the Wetherspoons app.

And why Ant and Dex stand always left to right. Mix it up, boys.

Even if I still bomb, I will keep calm and carry on. Because I'm hosting

from London tonight. Watch this.

Fish and chips, what a feast.

The best chaser is the beast.

I'm no idol with the title of grandmaster.

But I'm stylish, I'm tall, I'm not the fly on the wall.

Is this song running long? Must go faster.

Your sky is gloomy and gray for this guy from L.A.

So I went to B&Q to buy a light.

Despite a few wicked flaws, I am the Wizard of Oz, and I'm

hosting from London tonight.

I'll let this part take amends. We have spared no expense.

Bring a cue card, because I'm really not that bright. That's CMAT.

You are so excellent. What have you done? I don't recognize it.

Wait.

I get it now. I can do it. Thank you.

Life finds a way.

When you're live on Saturday.

My Sainsbury's local.

We're all feeling vocal.

When I'm hosting right here.

In London tonight.

Thanks to Louise LaBelle and the Saturday Night Live UK house band, aside

from my nincompoopery.

We have a great show for you. You saw a sea map for yourself.

Enjoy it all. And now, watch this. I'll see you in a second.

Hi, love.

What do you think about this for the baby's room?

You know, once we've finally... You're still unsure?

Having a baby is just such a big decision.

I don't know if I'll ever be sure.

Come here.

But are you sure you'll never be sure?

Hello.

I'm Gregor J. DuPont. Actor, raconteur and professional baby.

Sorry, Dad.

You heard.

As a trained thespian with over 30 years experience in community theatre, I know

what it takes to commit to a role. So let me play the role of my life, your

beautiful man.

Over eight weeks, I will help you make your biggest ever decision by giving you

the full baby experience. This includes playtime.

He doesn't sound like a baby.

Sleepy time.

And meal time.

Curse this rotten home!

Don't worry, breastfeeding isn't mandatory.

But I do know a superb intimacy coordinator.

What we're going to do is make sure that you're both comfortable, OK? Are you

comfortable, Gregor?

Extremely. But if I move in with you, I do have some rules.

Number one, I can't be a baby all the time.

Here's a good little boy.

Oh, no.

Union rules, it's after 6pm.

Rule two. I am a working actor.

You will need to help me run lights. Did you have a bath?

Because you had sex with him? So you wouldn't smell like him? Was he a good

f***? Answer me!

Yes,

he was good f***.

And occasionally, I may invite my actor friends round for a night of sea

shanties. This is my time.

Do not disturb me.

Gregor! It is five in the morning.

Right, everybody out.

So give me a call today and join the dozens of couples I have helped make

their decision.

After eight weeks with Gregor, we decided having children was not for us.

Thanks to Gregor, we fast-tracked Michael's vasectomy.

I'm Gregor's father, and I can confirm that after raising the guy, yes, I did

not want any more kids.

And, yeah, I also work as a professional baby. What's that got to do with

anything? Hey, maybe I should mention that I have an upcoming one-man show.

Shut up, father.

Call me and experience all the dazzling highs of parenthood. Don't you have a

bath?

Because you had sex with him. That's my baby.

Use this time code, BABYMAN, for 30% off.

T's and C's apply.

Mummy, I really don't want to go to school tomorrow.

None of the other children will play with me. Oh, darling, you have to go to

school. I'm sure things aren't that bad.

Night-night, Sammy.

We love you very much, OK?

Love you, Mum.

Love you, Dad.

Oh,

I wish I wasn't having such a hard time at school.

Maybe, just maybe, my best friend in the whole wide world could help me.

I'll clap my hands and be of cheer.

D'Artagnan Gumboot, please appear.

Sammy.

How you doing, my friend? D'Artagnan Gumboot, my invisible friend.

That's me all over. I'm always at your service. How's my favourite little guy?

Not great, D'Artagnan. What's going on?

No-one at school wants to play with me.

No. Well, I tell you what, we can fix that.

Wait until they see you in your spiffy new outfit.

Whoa!

It's so cool.

Yeah, cowboy. Everyone at school is going to think I'm the coolest.

That's right. That's what invisible friends are for, my friend. Hey, fill

your hand with yours. Let's have a shootout.

You're a cool cowboy. Sam, maybe, do you remember to... Sorry, who the fuck is

that?

You can see him. The adult man in your room. Yes, I can see him.

That's D'Artagnan Gumboot, my invisible friend. Well, he looks pretty fucking

visible to me.

Golly, I've never been visible before. How curious.

Is everything OK up here?

D'Artagnan.

Sorry, you know this man?

Yes, he used to be my invisible friend when I was a child.

My, oh, my, Carolyn, what a radiant woman you've grown into.

Why, Carolyn, did you ever stop believing in me?

Oh, you know how it is. You grow up, life takes over.

But I still think so fondly of those days. As are you.

Group hug?

Come here.

Come here.

Oh, yes.

Yes. Right, well, obviously, I feel weird about that.

You know, I'd feel less weird if I couldn't actually, like, see you.

Well, if it helps, instead of an invisible friend... you know i could be

here watch this i could be let's call me an inconspicuous friend uh you know

uh would that be better are you happy to leave us to it now no no it's it's it's

actually a lot worse um this whole thing is actually insane okay

Hello, D'Artagnan.

Sylvester here.

Invisible maintenance man.

So you've noticed the invisibility network is down.

Parents are going mental.

It's a bloodbath out there.

Thanks so much, Sylvester, for the update. Appreciate it. Oh, don't worry.

Our engineers are on the case.

Keep it see-through, brother.

Sorry, did he say the whole network's down? So all invisible friends are now

visible?

fantasy football team I'm too tired from doing this

I'm his

invisible friend hasn't he told you about oh gee buddy bet you're right

around now you wish you were invisible good news everyone I found the loose

cables for the trance Lucifer ah we back to being invisible in three two

Ah, nice.

Everything's back to normal. All the invisibles are gone.

Isn't that right, family?

Family?

Pizza for one, Mr Grimsby.

Just like you order every night.

Hope you're not too lonely tonight, Mr Grimsby.

Thanks for helping me, Uncle Jeff.

Never know what to say on dates.

Oh, no, no, no, Todd.

That's not going to be a problem tonight. You see, here's what you've got

to do. Take this earpiece and everything I say, you've got to repeat it, OK? Just

for tonight, trust your smooth Uncle Jeff, OK?

I'm worried that won't sound right coming from me. You do have a very

specific way of speaking.

I'm confounded that you'd excoriate me with such an utterance, my beamish boy.

Not true.

But listen, the truth is that we're all a little worried about you.

Of late, you got a profoundly incel energy.

We're afraid if you don't meet a nice girl, I think that you're about five sad

wanks away from a trip to the gun store.

Oh, wait a minute.

Okay, just good luck, kiddo. Good luck.

Oh, hey, there you are. Uh, Todd, right?

Yeah, oh, hi there, sweetheart.

Look at you. My, oh, my.

Aren't we looking delectable tonight?

Oh, hi there, sweetheart.

Look at you.

My, oh, my. Aren't we looking delectable tonight?

Oh, thank you. You're looking lovely yourself.

Hey, let me get that chair for you. Hey, let me get that chair for you.

And now you need to move the chair.

Now you move the chair.

OK.

So, um, have you been waiting a long time?

Well, that depends.

Would you say that my entire life is a long time?

Would you say my entire life is a long time?

Aw, Todd, that's so sweet.

Shall we get a drink?

OK, now just answer the question. Just answer the question. Oh, yeah, about the

entire life thing. Sorry, I thought that was a joke.

You idiot!

You idiot!

You're so funny!

You know, I've had loads of bad dates recently where the men just, like, don't

let me speak and I feel like I'm talking and they just, like... Hey, stop!

Stop! Stop! Hey, stop! Stop! Hey, stop!

100%. Sorry.

Shut up. Tell me about you.

Um... You'll never guess whose phone I've just stolen.

What?

You've stolen someone's phone.

Jeff Flippin' Goblin, mate, just ran past and grabbed it.

That's so hot.

Come on, let's go into an alleyway so no one will see us. Whoa, um, let's slow

down, maybe get a drink first.

OK, well, if we just stay here, the police won't find us.

Oh, no, here they come. Drop the phone, leg it.

Here's the phone.

You get after them, Sergeant. I'll take this back to the owner.

Oh, speak of the devil. Hello, Mr Goldblum. I believe this belongs to you.

Oh, thanks so much, boys. I agree with everything you guys do.

Now, if you'll help me, I have to get back to my stupid English nephew with

his date. Todd? Todd, are you still there?

Hang on.

Are you being fed lines through an earpiece? Hold tight, Todd. I'm coming

to rescue you. I knew it.

I'm leaving.

OK. Oh, young lady. Oh, my God!

That's not the movie they usually recognize me for.

But, young lady, we must confess, yes, we have deceived you, but only

in the name of love.

Well, it's actually kind of flattering that you would go to all that trouble,

Todd.

Do you want to do this again sometime?

No.

Well, there you have it, folks. It all worked out in the end.

I don't know.

Every day, thousands of people pass through Euston Station.

So we've put a piano at the heart of this cathedral of human connection,

giving ordinary people a chance to share their music and their stories. As ever,

they'll be watched by one of the world's finest pianists and Mika, for some

reason.

This is...

So, Martin, why are you here?

Two years ago, roughly. My family was crushed to death by a grand piano on

a cruise.

And I thought I'd never be able to play the piano again.

Oh, we're going to win an NCAA.

What a wonderful story, and very good for our ratings.

Good, good. Take it away. Good luck.

Mmm.

God bless the National Health Service.

The 1654 to Southampton will now depart from platform 14.

For Christ's sake, Dominic, we've got to be late. The 1743 to Glasgow has been

cancelled. For Christ's sake!

That woman's vomiting because Martin's music is just so powerful

I think she shot herself, too.

Yes.

No, no. That is decent.

Sorry, if we just... One second. Yeah, boy!

This is Houston.

You just have to try and block it out.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Okay, clear the area!

Go, go, go!

Is that the bomb squad?

And he's oblivious. I mean, how brilliant. That is the power of music.

Well, you know, we don't know. We're doing the class, so we're not across the

booking situation.

I don't know.

Any injuries?

I got a neck thing. No, okay.

So I'm going to demonstrate, then we do all together.

So we're going to interlace the hands.

How far through your menstrual cycle are you?

I'm sorry, I don't think he's allowed to ask that. It's part of it. It's part of

it. Okay.

Hello.

Don't look at me.

We want to go down a little.

So we want to...

My hands are wet.

Who is that guy there? Is he credentialed? And look at that, he's

wearing shoes.

It's okay.

Really? Yeah, I met him on a boat.

And now what

are we supposed to do?

You said it was part of it to warm down We are going to help move

a family of three into a four bedroom cash in hand

so okay This has been a waste of my time. I'm so sorry, but I think we got

it. That's enough for me

Let's go.

Wait! What the hell was that?

Hey.

Hey, my neck. I've been trying to release that for years.

Was this whole thing... Part of it.

Don't be quiet.

I just understood.

Very good.

Very good.

I don't know.

Oh, God.

Ladies and gentlemen, see Matt.

Told you that my band started popping off.

You told me that you played guitar.

I knew that you would die at the time I said it.

But you could play my heart.

It took a couple weeks, you should have.

Playing like a rock and roll star.

Holy God, damn, you were so annoying.

But you had my heart.

Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Paddy Young. And I'm Anya Magliano.

Slip off your ankle tags and charge your vapes, it's time to shout at a dinghy.

That's right, anti-migrant protests took place this week in Dover and Portsmouth,

led by far-right activist Danny Tomo, seen here trying to upskirt a man's

face.

On Saturday, members of Tomo's group Patriot Platform yelled obscenities,

threw stones, spat, then said goodbye to their families and headed to the

protests.

Now, it's worth remembering that some of these anti-migrant protesters do have

legitimate concerns.

Concerns like, what's the best brand of frozen peas to put on your wife's eye?

It's bird's eye.

The protesters, seen here mistaking a lady for a lifeboat, marched up and down

the town chanting, England till I die, alone in a service station of

electrocution after urinating on a deal or no deal fruit machine.

The happy clatter of coins singing him into oblivion as the piss in his

knickers is joined by shit and he loses control of his bowels one final time.

Sleep now, sleep, sweet Patriot.

Sleep.

So, who is this Danny Tomo?

Before launching Patriot Platform, he's reported to have tried his luck as both

a bricklayer and a web designer.

However, neither worked out, as tragically, he has the physique of a web

designer and the mind of a brick.

This week, President Trump stepped off Air Force One sporting a different hair

colour.

Yeah, he appears to be trialling a new shade of brown.

Or he's shat his head.

People are questioning, does the carpet still match the drapes?

I wouldn't know. That's between the President and a punchline that just

seconds ago was taken from me by our legal team.

Thank you, legal team. It was almost funny.

Yesterday, Bitcoin tycoon Ben Delo donated £36 million to Reform UK.

Delo is a maths whiz and crypto billionaire, seen here trying to work

out the half-your-age plus seven rule.

And? And just hours ago, it was revealed that Ben Delo's £36 million donation was

matched... by Thai-based crypto billionaire Christopher Harbon, seen

here trying to work out the half your age minus seven rule.

I mean, you've got to feel sorry for Nigel Farage. You wait your entire life

for one crypto tycoon to give you £36 million and then two come in your mouth

at once.

The Bayeux Tapestry has arrived in London and is on display at the British

Museum.

Pensioner Ian Williams has spent every morning for the last 40 years

meticulously hand-stitching his own Bayeux Tapestry.

Upon being shown the real thing, he said, Oh, nuts! Someone's already done

one!

Right, I'm moving to Salisbury and I'm going to dedicate the rest of my life to

making a henge... of stone!

On Tuesday, Prince George had his first day at Eton College.

But how will he survive being stuck in a place famous for producing sexual

abusers? By leaving it and going to Eton College.

This week, the government introduced sanctions against illegal Israeli

settlements in the West Bank.

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was apparently taken aback at the sanctions

from Burnham, as he thought Burnham was just something you did to refugee camps.

Good news for investors of Airtasker, as the odd jobs platform reports record

profits. It's never been easier to order a plumber, handyman or cleaning service

straight to your door. Here to comment is a cleaner!

I'm not actually that good at cleaning.

You look like a cleaner. No, no, I'm a maid.

So you are a cleaner?

No, you bellend.

I'm a maid.

Where are you from?

France, yeah. I'm obviously from France. I'm a maid from France.

OK, so you're a maid from France, but you do clean houses, right? No!

I'm literally not even that good at cleaning.

OK, OK, for example, yeah, if you give me an Uber, yeah, the Uber, like, I

struggle to get in the nooks and crannies.

You know? And then the cleaning products, like, I'm like, what?

Thief, Jeef, toilet duck, Barry Scott, silly bang, silly quoi?

You're literally holding a duster. Yeah, but I don't really use it for dusting.

What do you use it for?

It's more like I like shaking it around Okay, how do I explain it's like maybe

this maybe somebody has been a little bit naughty Yeah, so I just in their

face a little bit or maybe I'm gonna dust it on their bum Are you cleaning

someone on their bum are you playing silly burgers now?

Shall I show you what I do with it? Shall I show him?

Okay, it's a be like this And

maybe like maybe I go like this

now show me your bum you naughty boy cuz I'm gonna dust it

In European news, a local election was won with a landslide victory by the far

-right political party Alternative for Germany.

Doesn't really sound like an alternative for Germany.

An old classic for Germany.

Alice Feidel, co-leader of the far-right party, is approaching things with a new

angle, mainly a bend in the elbow.

On Suicide Prevention Day on Thursday, Prince William teamed up with Harry Kane

to have an open conversation about mental health.

And to anyone who had to listen to that conversation, the number for the

Samaritans is on screen now.

In TV news, Monty Don has stepped down as the host of the BBC's Gardener's

World after 20 years.

He's not said how he's going to spend his retirement, but...

Do you want to go out on a limb here and say, gardening?

The East Lancashire Railway has hired their first female steam locomotive

driver, who has described it as a dream come true.

To all those naysayers out there, see, women can have autism.

This week was the state funeral of Norway's King Harald V, who was placed

in a wooden boat, set on fire, and then pushed out to the open sea.

Well, no wonder he died.

is unstoppable.

We just need the planes to get a clear shot.

Won't that make him angrier? What if he comes for us next?

I wouldn't be so sure.

And who the heck are you?

I'm a filmmaker, you see.

I've been studying this King Kong for six months, and this King Kong ain't

angry. He's just in love.

So the reason he's up there is because he's in love with that broad.

I have a name!

That's right.

All he wants is that lady. So if we just leave him be, us fellas are safe.

I wouldn't be so sure.

And who the heck are you? I'm Duke Fosse. I'm an expert in animal behavior.

And I've been studying this King Kong for 16 months.

And I hate to tell you, fellas, but this King Kong is bi.

Bi?

Like what I do to my groceries at the supermarket?

Bi? Like what you say to your mother at the end of a telephone call?

No, I mean bi.

Bisexual.

But those don't exist.

Oh, I assure you they do.

Love is love, gentlemen. So we better take extra care that this King Kong

doesn't fall for one of us.

How do you know this particular King Kong is bi?

Well, you spend enough time with one, they'll let you know.

Don't listen to this kook. King Kong's like ladies, and that's that.

I'd be happy to swap.

Hey,

what did I tell you? No, no, no. It looks like he's taken a liking to one of

us. Gentlemen, hold on to your hats.

Or maybe he's just spotted that broad right there with a hoop and stick.

See? He scooped the thing right up. He's straight as an arrow.

Wait, wait. No, no, no. Keep looking. Keep looking.

Look at what he's doing.

He's taking the hoop out of her hand and he's throwing the lady away.

He just wants the hoop. He's making a... Is that a... Yes.

A septum... It's a septum piercing. I told you, I told you. My

God, this Kong is as biased as they come.

I should have never had doubted you.

Everybody save yourselves.

Jiminy Cricket looks like the Kong's got the hots for Carl.

I mean, if I'm being honest, I'm surprised

by the choice, but hey, good for him.

And boy, both good.

Bisexuality in the wild, it's magnificent.

It's like rooting for the Yankees and the Mets.

Call off the planes, Chief.

To shoot this beautiful bi beast would be a hate crime.

Ooh, wait a minute. You know what? I'll tell you.

He's going to have a hard time holding on to that building if he's got both of

them up there.

No. No.

T'was bisexuality killed the beast.

Bye, King Kong.

Coming summer 1933.

Coming for everyone.

Oh, once again, CMAT, CMAT.

I went away to come back like a radical Christian.

I lost it away again.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, the lot of you! Listen, there's no time to

explain, but I'm absolutely shitting myself.

Seamap's coming round for a fry-up, and I ain't got no black pudding in.

She expects a full fry every week, and if I haven't got no black pudding in,

she goes absolutely berserk. Oh, Jesus, that's her now. Just everybody be calm.

All right, Seam.

Well, I'm really sorry but...

thanks to c matt and a huge thank you to the cast writers and everybody working

on the show for making this such a great week it's been such an honor to host snl

uk good night good night