All language subtitles for the.wrong.housesitter.2020.720p.hdtv.x264-w4f

[siren blaring]

MAN: I want to be there

when you drag her out
by the back of her neck.

Mr. Hill, this is not
how that's gonna happen.

I'll let you know as a courtesy,
you shouldn't even be here.

What am I supposed to do then?

Let me do my job.

Look, up till now,
you've done everything right.

Don't do something stupid.
Stay outside.

You look. This is my house,
and I'm going in there with you.

Hmmph.

Let's go.

This is Sheriff Jacob Lynch

to deliver
a notice of eviction.

Anybody home?

Take a look at
that side of the house.

SHERIFF LYNCH: Mr. Hill?

What is it?

♪♪ [sinister]

♪♪ [ominous]

- Good morning, Boss.
- WOMAN: You all packed?

Hah! You kiddin'?
I don't leave till tomorrow.

Takes me 20 minutes to get ready
for an international flight.

New York's a piece of cake.

If you say so.
How is the new house?

The house
is pretty much done.

You can deal with the rest
when you get back.

Actually, Mary is gonna
stay here while I'm gone.

- She's gonna housesit.
- Mary?

So when am I gonna meet
this little muse of yours, huh?

It's been, what,
a few months already?

I'll tell you what. I promise.
When I get back from New York,

we'll all go out to dinner
together, okay?

All right, look, Debbie,
I gotta run.

I got so much to do still.

Okay, okay, listen,
I just called to tell you

that when you arrive at Kennedy,
don't get in the cab line.

The developer sent you a car.

Oh! Car service for
a freelance journalist, huh?

Sounds like they really want
to make an impression on us.

Well, if we're going to sell
our impartiality,

it better be for a lot more
than a free ride.

All right,
I've really gotta go, Deb.

Make me proud, Dan.

I always do. Bye.

[door closes]

DAN: Hey, you okay?

Don't kill me.

That, I can promise.

I just spoke to Phil.

He wants me to run
the training seminar

at the company's retreat.

Okay.

The woman who was
supposed to do it

just went into labor.

That's fantastic.
Why would I be angry?

I leave tomorrow.

It's up north,
a few hours away.

Oh, so you can't housesit?

I'm sorry. I was so
looking forward to it, I swear.

Laying out, relaxing,
finishing a few books.

But I just can't turn down
this opportunity.

Hey, I get it.
This is work, right?

If anybody understands, it's me.

Aww...

So... what will you do?

I will figure something out.

But you're still gonna
stay over tonight, right?

Of course. We need to
christen the bedroom.

Ooh.

And maybe the living room...

and the kitchen...

and the shower.

I'll see you tonight.

I have a million things to do
before I leave.

All of the showers?

Hmm...

Just sayin'. All right.

Bye.

[engine starts]

Excuse me, can you tell me
where the fiction section is?

It's right over there.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

Ayn Rand, huh?

Hmm?

Ayn Rand?

Oh.

I just read Atlas Shrugged,

so I figured this would be next.

I know Atlas is supposed
to be her masterpiece,

but I actually prefer
The Fountainhead.

I think it's much better
than Atlas Shrugged.

Really? Better than
Atlas Shrugged?

I just feel like with Atlas,
sometimes you feel like

you're reading
this never-ending speech.

But with Fountainhead,
I find it to be less didactic.

And I sound like
a pretentious jerk.

No, you sound like a writer.

Well, guilty.

- Oh, really? You're a writer?
- I am.

What have you written?

Mostly magazine articles.

I used to work for
Outdoor Explorer for years,

but now I'm mainly freelance.

Well, that is very cool.

Yeah, no, it is.

It's definitely a great way
to make a living.

You? A student?

Oh, well,
you just made my day,

but no, I'm a wannabe writer.

I'm actually writing
my first novel now.

Well, good for you.
Never give up.

Thanks.
I keep telling myself

that all the waitressing jobs,
housesitting, dog walking,

it'll pay off one day,
so... we'll see.

Did you say housesitting?

What?

Okay, this might
sound crazy, but...

I have a proposition for you.

Jeez. This is amazing.

Thanks. It's basically
my dream house.

I mean, forget novels.

I need to get a job
at Outdoor Explorer.

Well, believe me,
this is not typical.

I was fortunate enough to sell
one of my story's film rights

to a production company.

What story?

It's a piece I did
on the Anduhar.

They're basically
this Stone Age tribe

who live on this little island
of New Guinea.

- Hmm.
- Yeah. It's crazy.

They have zero contact
with the outside world,

yet somehow their understanding
of our planets and solar system

is far beyond ours.

That's really cool.

Yeah, it should be interesting.

Come on, I'll show you inside.

Okay.

The architecture here
is gorgeous.

Thanks.

I mean, you say
you just moved in,

but the place looks great.

I've been busy.

Actually Mary, my girlfriend,
was supposed housesit for me,

but she called away on
a business trip last-minute too.

I mean, this is none of
my business or anything,

but why do you even need
a housesitter?

This isn't
a dangerous neighborhood.

Do you have a lot of valuables
or something?

Hardly.
No, I heard that criminals

tend to target homes
of people who just moved in.

I guess all the coming
and going,

the neighbors don't know
who belongs or not, so...

better safe than sorry, right?

Guess that makes sense.

Come on, I'll show you upstairs.

So I sleep in the master,

but you can sleep
in any of the other spare rooms.

I gotta get started
on some work,

so can I call a car for you?

Sure.

Well, you are a lot more
handsome than Hemingway.

Thank goodness Golden Chef
still delivers over here.

Right.

So you're excited
for your new housesitter?

Well, glad I was able
to find somebody to do it.

Yeah, I have to say, though,

it doesn't sound like you.

Yeah, you're usually
not as... trusting.

Well, she's a housesitter.
This is what she does.

Besides, if all my silverware
goes missing,

I will know the culprit.

You don't have any silverware.

Oh, yeah, that's right.
[laughs]

Well, anyway,
I contacted her references,

or at least
one of her references.

She has references
for housesitting?

Yeah, she gave me the number of
a woman that she last sat for.

She said
that Kristen was amazing.

Just super responsible
and kept the house clean.

She said she was great.

Hmm.

Gosh, I'm so full.

Yeah.

Hope you're not too full.

For what?

You know what.

To christen the house.

- [beeping]
- Come on!

Come on, come on, come on.

Yes!

Jeez.

Agh.

Where is it?

Damn it.

You okay?

Ohh!
[laughs]

Hi, Kristen.

Uh, how'd you get in here?

Oh, I was knocking
on the back door,

but I saw it was unlocked,
so I just let myself in.

Are you looking for something?

Yeah, my phone.

I can't find it anywhere,
and I gotta go.

Let me help you find it.
What's it look like?

Well, it, um, you know...

it looks like a phone.

Well, I'm sure we'll find it.
In the meantime,

is there anything that you need
to tell me about the house or...

Right, okay, so the keys
to the front door

are on the table back there.

All the utilities
are up and running,

so just make
yourself comfortable,

do whatever you gotta do.

Wi-Fi?

Yes, first priority.

Network name is "Settel,"
my last name,

and password is "Rutgers."

Rutgers?

Where I went to college.

You know what?

Is this what
you were looking for?

Uh...

Yeah. Where'd you find it?

Don't worry about that.
Anyways...

I have that contract
that I was telling you about

that I think
we should both sign.

It just protects us both.

It just says that, pretty much,
you're gonna pay me,

and I won't rob you blind.

- [horn honks]
- Great.

Kristen, that is my Uber.

I gotta run.

It's just formality.
Simple contract.

Let's see.

Just sign here.

[honking continues]

Okay, so you got all
my contact information,

so email me, call me,
text me, whatever,

if there's any questions
at all, okay?

- Go. Enjoy the Big Apple.
- Okay.

I will have everything good
on the home front.

Right.

- WOMAN: Hello?
- [gate closes]

Hi. I hope I'm not intruding.

No, not at all.

I'm Tracy Vale, and I live
right across the street.

I'm Kristen Turner.

So I hear I now have
a famous writer as a neighbor?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I must admit, I've never
actually read anything of his,

but I am just so excited
to have someone famous

in the neighborhood.

Well, I'm sure he'll be
flattered when he returns.

Oh, he's not here?

No. Actually, he's out of town
on an assignment.

Oh. Well, I've seen him
pull up a few times,

and I just did not
want to bother him

until he got settled in.

Well, he'll be back
in a few days.

I'm Dan's girlfriend,
by the way.

I'm staying here
while he's out of town.

Oh, well...

[chuckling]

I am not surprised.
I mean, a man like that,

I didn't expect him
to be single.

We'll have to have you over
for drinks when he gets back.

Oh, trust me,
I make a mean Bloody Mary mix.

I'm gonna go inside
and get settled,

but we'll see you soon?

Oh, yes, don't let me stop you.
I just, um...

And remember,
I'm right across the street.

Don't be a stranger.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- Kristen, it's Dan.
- Hi, Dan!

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah, no, everything's good.

Honestly, I had a couple minutes
between meetings,

so I thought I'd check in,
see how you're doing.

Yes. Actually, I'm settling in
quite nicely.

Oh, good, glad to hear.

So, um, how's New York?

Uh, crazy, busy, as usual.

Sorry. I don't mean
to rub it in.

You're probably there
all cooped-up in the house.

Oh, no, don't you
worry about that.

I'm actually having
an interesting time.

Oh, okay, well, listen,
I gotta run,

but like I said,
just wanted to check in.

So call me if you need
anything at all.

Okay, Dan, see you soon.

Okay, bye.

[phone ringing]

Checking in on me?

- Should I be?
- Well, I actually just came

from the councilman's office,

and he showed me the blueprints.

And?

And it's incredible.

I mean, if they can
actually pull this off,

it will be something special.

Good, good!

So listen, I just called
to remind you

that I'm stopping by
your house today.

I'm gonna drop off
the Palomar research.

Deb, I can't--

Deb, I can't hear you.

What'd you say?

I said I'm stopping by--

Yeah, I can't--
I can't-- Okay.

♪♪ [ominous]

[tapping on window]

[doorbell rings]

Mrs. Settel?

Please, call me Kristen.
Come in.

I was surprised you guys
could get here so quickly.

No problem.

So it looks as if we're only
outfitting the bedrooms.

That's probably
why we fit you in.

Takes less time to install.

Is that uncommon,
to only do the bedrooms?

You know, most folks like
to monitor all parts,

in and out of their home.

The most popular installation
is the doorbell cam.

- Ah.
- When a visitor rings,

you can see them
right on your phone.

We even offer a service

where you can
unlock your door remotely.

Wow. That's really neat.

Maybe we'll look at that
for the future.

My husband and I,
we work full-time,

and, well,
we have a six-month-old,

who stays with
the nanny all day,

so it's not that
we don't trust her--

Say no more.

You can't be too careful
these days.

You know, my wife and I,
we have three kids of our own.

I don't know
how I would have felt

having a stranger with them
all the time.

Like I said, we do trust her,

but I just want to make sure
that these cameras

are as inconspicuous
as possible.

I don't want her to feel like
we're spying on her or anything.

Don't you worry.
By the time I'm finished,

even your husband
won't be able to find them.

Perfect. Right this way.

Wow, that is small.

Yep. You ever heard
of Moore's Law?

- Mm-mm.
- Refers to computers.

It says that
every two years or so,

the number of transistors

that they can fit
on a microchip doubles.

That same concept
applies to home security.

Cameras are becoming smaller
and cheaper every year.

Hey, do you feel good
to finish up by yourself?

I'm gonna set up an account

and learn how to monitor
these things.

Good idea.
When I'm finished,

I'll come find you
and teach you about the system.

But the system's
as user-friendly as they come.

You'll be fine.

Finished already?

I told you it wouldn't
take very long.

We took care of all
the bedrooms, so you're all set.

Perfect. And I'm already
in the system too.

See? I told you.
Easy as pie.

If you play around a bit, you'll
find a bunch more features.

But honestly,
most folks never even use 'em.

[chuckles]

Mrs. Settel? Kristen.

Yeah.

This is probably
none of my business,

but I didn't see a crib
in any of the rooms.

In fact, I didn't see
any evidence

of a baby living
in this house.

You're right, Lance.
That is none of your business.

Um...

Uh, I guess that's it,

except for the damages.

You take plastic, I assume?

Of course.

Is this you?

It says your name
is Kristen Turner?

What, you never heard
of a married woman

keeping her professional name?

Uh, I just have
to run the card.

A matter of protocol, of course.

Of course.

And you're all set,
Mrs. Turner.

We appreciate your business.

Just let us know if there's
anything else we can do for you.

[sighs]

Hmm.

[humming]

[chuckles]

Hi, I'm Debbie DeCroix,
Dan's editor.

We spoke on the phone
the other day.

Oh, yes, I'm so sorry.
Of course.

I've been a little crazy,

trying to get the house
ready for him.

Um, here's the research
that Dan was expecting.

Please make sure
that he gets it.

Of course.

You're Mary, right?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, you're just...

You're so different
than how Dan described you.

Oh, well, I don't
usually wear this.

It's my cleaning clothes.

When Dan gets back,
we're gonna do dinner, right?

Yes, of course.

That would be lovely.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you too.

Kristen?

Kristen.

Kristen?

Hmm.

Kristen?

Dan! When did you get home?

Just now.
Just a few minutes ago.

So how was your trip?

It was great.
Everything went great.

Kristen, the house is--

I hope you don't mind.
I took a few liberties.

I mean, I didn't think
I'd be a good housesitter

unless I helped you out.

No, yeah, no, it looks great.

I mean, the fridge
is fully stocked and--

- You don't like it?
- No, no, I do.

I mean, it's just that some
of the stuff isn't even mine.

I know. I found some deals at
a flea market on some pieces,

so I just thought
I would add my touch.

Right, okay.

Um, well, just give me a minute,
and we'll settle up.

Okay.

[line ringing]

[ringing]

It's Mary.
You know what to do.

[beep]

Are you mad at me?

No, no, I'm not...

I'm not mad. I'm just...

I guess confused.

Well, it's just,
I thought I'd come home,

and you'd just be
lounging on the couch.

I didn't expect anything.

Dan, I told you,
I've done this before.

It's not like I'm some squatter.

You paid a fee for a service.

The least I could do
was help you out.

Now, if you don't like the way
I rearranged things, I can--

No, no, everything looks great.

Well, you must be starving.

Why don't you go unpack,

freshen up,
and I'll start dinner.

Uh, Kristen, I just got home.

I'd really just like to relax.
You don't need to do dinner.

If you wanna maybe
just grab your things and--

Oh, no, no, no.
Look, it's no big deal at all.

I've been planning
this dinner for days.

I've already bought
all the ingredients.

Okay.

Okay, go.

Okay.

See? Aren't these beautiful?

The lady at the flea market

was practically
giving them away.

Do you like them?

I do. No, they're really nice.

So... tell me about your trip.

Well, New York was New York.

Did you get what you needed
for the article?

I did, yeah.

Look, Dan, nothing says
that we can't have

a nice dinner together
tonight, right?

You're right.

To be honest, I guess I'm just
feeling a little guilty.

Why?

I mean, we're not
doing anything.

I wasn't planning
on doing anything, were you?

No, no, I wasn't.

Good.

So tell me about New York.

Okay, well, so most people
don't know this,

but there are actually
hundreds of tunnels

underneath the city.

Abandoned subway stations,
unused sewers,

and they're all just
kind of sitting there.

So the city has come up
with this ambitious plan

to turn it all into
prime real estate.

Yeah, it's like this ultra cool,
modern, underground city.

It's... It's really exciting.

That's really neat.

It's great.

Do you like your dinner?

I do.

I told you, I always go for
at least seconds, if not thirds.

[laughing]

- You sure did.
- Well, thank you.

Well, I guess that's it.

Uh, yeah.

I should probably go.

Yeah.

You know what?

It's late,
and you've had a couple.

Why don't you just crash
in the guest bedroom

and drive home tomorrow morning?

Oh, no, I couldn't.

I've probably already
overstayed my welcome.

No, come on.

After everything you've done,
it's the least I can do, right?

You sure?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Awesome. That'd be nice.

Okay, handsome, you look
none worse for the wear.

I was just checking out
the tunnels.

- I wasn't living in them.
- Okay, smarty.

Would you like some coffee?

No. I fueled up on the way over.

So did you get what you need?

Oh, yeah, I got it.

- An exclusive?
- Well, he didn't promise,

but if we go to press
right away,

I don't see how any magazine
can scoop us.

The newspapers might even
have a hard time.

Newspapers?
What are those?

Right.

How long do you think you need?

Well, there's still a couple
people I need to speak to

'cause they were unavailable
or out of town.

but I mean,
unless something happens,

I could have a first draft
to you within a week?

- That's what I'm talking about.
- Really?

Before I forget, I dropped off
the Palomar research.

Palomar, one of
the largest developers?

- The ones who--
- Yeah, I know who they are.

I just don't know
what you mean by "dropped off."

I dropped them off at your house
like we discussed.

You said that Mary
was housesitting

and that I could leave
the files with her.

Oh!

No, I'm sorry, no.
That wasn't Mary.

What do you mean?

That was Kristen,
the housesitter.

Mary's been out of town.
She gets back today.

No. She said
that her name was Mary.

And then when I
explained who I was,

she acted like we were like
old friends, as if she knew me.

No, I-- I mean--

No, that's impossible.

You know,
she did seem a bit off.

Oh. Oh, duh.

Okay.

This woman right here,
standing next to me, Mary.

Is that who you saw
in my house?

[knocking]

Dan?

Dan.

[doorbell rings]

Um, hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Who are you?

I'm Mary, Dan's girlfriend.

Oh. Well, Dan's not here
right now.

And you are?

- Kristen.
- Kristen.

I'm staying here with Dan.
I'm watching his house.

The housesitter, right?

But Dan's back in town,
so why are you here?

Look, you're gonna have
to take this up with Dan.

I don't have to take
anything up with Dan.

Ohh...

[line ringing]

DAN: Hey, you back?

Where are you?

I'm, uh...

I'm driving. What's wrong?

What's wrong?

I was just at your house
to surprise you.

Ah, babe, I'm sorry.

Do you realize
you still have a houseguest?

Okay, Mary,
it's not what you think.

I don't know what to think.

I promise I will explain
everything when I see you,

but right now
I just wanna get home

and wanna get her
out of my house.

Do you want me
to meet you there?

No, no.

You just go back
to your place,

and I'll swing by later.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Everything good?
Trip was good?

Yeah, it was great.

Hard, but good.

I'm real excited to see you.

Me too.

- But, Dan?
- Yeah.

What the heck is going on?

Just trust me, babe.

I will explain everything
when I see you, okay?

Okay, but be careful, okay?

That woman at your house?

Something not right with her.

[horse neighing]

- Hey.
- Hey!

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

Watching the horseys.

I just came from
my editor's office,

and she said that she dropped
off some research with you?

Oh, yes, I put it inside,
in a drawer,

so it wouldn't accidentally
get thrown away.

What I really want to know
is why did you tell her

that you were Mary?

I just think that was
a miscommunication.

Yeah, I'll say!

Your editor,
she just assumed I was Mary.

I mean, I didn't want to,
you know, embarrass her.

You know how she gets
a little excitable.

She just probably got confused.

Okay, and what about Mary?

She said she came by.

She did.

Okay.

Okay, she was looking for you,

and I told her
that you weren't here.

I mean, I didn't think it was
my place to invite her in.

Kristen, I think it's time
for you to leave.

What do you mean?

What do you mean,
what do I mean?

I mean I'm home.
I no longer need a housesitter.

I let you stay last night
'cause it was late,

and you had a couple drinks,
but I'm here,

so you need to go...
for good.

What about everything
I did for you?

Well, thank you.

That was very nice of you,
and I appreciate it,

even if I didn't ask
for any of it,

and I will gladly
reimburse any money

put out of your pocket.

Don't insult me, Dan.
This isn't about the money.

I was just trying to make
our house more livable.

Kristen, you need to pack up
your stuff and leave.

Right now.

I don't think so.

Excuse me?

I said I don't think so.

Okay, then I will
call the cops.

Go ahead.

Call the cops.

They can't do anything.
I have my rights.

Your rights? Your rights
to trespass on my property?

Our property.

What are you talking about?

I signed a lease, Dan,

a legal document stating that
I'm subletting a room from you.

Now, you could evict me,

but of course that would be
a whole other process.

I never signed any document. I--

Can I see that agreement?

Of course.

I didn't know
what the hell this was.

Oh, well, it clearly states

that I'm renting a room
from you, year to year.

For a year?

Yes. Do you want me
to show you

where it specifies the terms?

I thought that was just
the boiler plate language

for this type of contract.

Oh, Dan, I'm no lawyer,

but I don't think
that'll hold up in court.

You tricked me.

I like to say I showed you
what you really wanted.

What I really wanted?

Yes.

You know we have
a connection, Dan.

From that day
in the bookstore.

And I see the way
that you look at me.

You're insane.

That's not very nice.

But I forgive you.

You've had a long day, so--

Damn it! Jeez!

DEBBIE: Okay, yeah, I should be
done today about 4:00.

- [knocks]
- Okay, I'll see you then.

Hey!

Debbie, this is Mary.

Now you look like
my boy's type.

I was so looking forward
to meeting you.

Just wish it was under
different circumstances.

Likewise.

So did you send the picture
of the agreement

that I texted over
to the in-house counsel?

Well, damn!
Hello to you too, handsome.

I'm sorry, Deb.

I'm sorry.
It's like my mind is...

I know.

So did you send it over?

I did, but again,

it was as a friend
to get advice for you.

Brenda is Outdoor Explorer's
in-house counsel, so I can't--

I know. I get it.
You explained it to me.

So what'd she say?

She said there's a problem.

Damn it. This is crazy.

I feel like I'm living in
the Twilight Zone or something.

Dan, how could you sign that?

You know to never
sign a contract

without having your lawyer
looking at it first,

without you reading it first.

I know, Deb.
I know, okay?

But what I could use right now
is a little help, not a lecture.

I'm sorry.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

I was in such a rush.

The Uber was outside
laying on the horn,

I'm thinking about New York,

she hands me this agreement,

and I think it's to make sure
she gets paid.

I thought she was
a grad student,

not some psychopath.

So what did your lawyer
suggest we do?

Well, officially,
as a reasonable attorney,

she said there's
not much you can do.

By law, you're required
to allow her

unfettered access
to the domicile.

Fine. She can have
unfettered access.

She can also find a well
to get her water from

because I'm shutting it off.

And I'm gonna turn the heat on
so high up in her room

till she can't breathe.

And you need to allow her access
to all reasonable amenities,

which includes
control over utilities,

which all need to be
in working order.

All right, well,
what about unofficially?

Unofficially?

Unofficially,
you can make life for her

as miserable as possible.

Hopefully, she'll leave
on her own.

What about eviction?

You need cause.

Can I say that I wasn't
in my right state of mind

when I signed it?

I guess it's possible.

But that would require
a lawsuit,

which is time and money.

Dan, you're better off
just not renewing her lease.

Renewing her lease?

You're saying it as if
she's actually a tenant,

and I'm actually
renting it to her.

Unfortunately, by law, you are.

MARY: You can pack a bag
and stay with me.

For the whole term
of this supposed agreement?

I didn't buy my dream home,
so I could desert it.

Plus I'm not leaving her
alone in there.

- Who knows what she'll do?
- What do you mean?

Everything I own
is in that house.

If I disappear for a month,
who knows what she's capable of?

Okay, then let's go
make the best of it.

Hi, guys!

I took the spare bedroom
right next to you.

Hope that's okay.

Come on.

[grunting]

So I was looking on the Internet
about squatter's rights,

just out of curiosity.

Well, that's the problem.
She's not a squatter.

Well, if she was,
it wouldn't be any better.

You know, I was amazed
at how many rights

they actually do have.

Like they can claim a building

just by being there for
an extended period of time.

It's where the phrase

"possession is 9/10ths
of the law" comes from.

I guess I always assumed it had
something to do with weed.

Very funny.

But the laws were actually made

so that people couldn't
just buy a property

and let it go to ruin.

They actually had to live in it
and keep it up.

Okay, well, that doesn't
make much sense to me at all.

So tell me about your training.

Take my mind off
all this craziness.

You know, the usual
crisis management stuff.

How to speak to the press,

how proactive to be
on social media.

Nowadays, everybody has to have
some experience with it.

Like we tell them,

"Pretend you're
in the public eye 24/7."

Hm. Interesting.

Can I ask you something?

Did you sleep with her?

Come on.
How can you even ask me that?

Because when I saw her
lying here in her bikini,

and she looked, you know...

Yeah, and what did I
tell you about her?

I know, I know.

I believe you.

It's just...

[sighs]

I've been cheated on before.

Well, not by me, you haven't.

Look, I don't know why
she's doing all this.

I don't know why she chose me.

But this isn't some type of
Fatal Attraction obsession.

I have never touched her.

I swear.

- Fine.
- Okay?

Stop, please stop.

Why?

I just...

This feels so weird.

Well, it's not like
this is our first rodeo.

No, I mean with her here.

It's like I can feel her.

I know. Remember
what Debbie was saying?

That we should try to make her
feel uncomfortable?

So I'm just a prop now?

- Is that what it is?
- No.

- That's not what I'm saying.
- Then what are you saying?

I'm saying that we should just
do what we would normally do.

If we want to make love,
and she hears it

and she doesn't like it,
then it's her problem.

Whatever.

Mary.

Come on.

Hey, hey, Mary.
Mary, would you stop?

Please, come on.
Hey, where are you going?

I thought I could do this,
but I can't.

What are you talking about?

I can't stay here
with her in the house.

It's like we have a roommate.

Do you want me
to come to your place?

I just...

I'll call you tomorrow.

Hey.

Good night.

[engine revving,
tires squealing]

Uh-oh.

Trouble in paradise?

Good night.

Jeez, what are you--

God, somebody's tense.

That's probably why
you're not sleeping at night.

Who says I can't
sleep at night?

The walls are thin.
I can hear you moving around.

I don't even have
to talk to you.

You know that, right?

That is true, but wouldn't it be
much more pleasant

if we could just be civil?

You have the gall
to lecture me on civility?

[scoffs]

There's my writer.

Hey, how come you left
the side door open?

I didn't.

Well, I figured you wanted
a breeze or something.

Can you make sure
that door is locked?

You're the only one
that goes out that way.

Yes, sir.

Do you even feel bad at all,

like the least bit guilty
for what you've done?

I was nice enough
to give you this gig

when I found out
you were a housesitter.

And you repay me by tricking me
into signing a lease?

Do you see
how messed up that is?

I mean, I guess I admit
I was a little sneaky.

[scoffs]

But in the bookstore,
we did have sparks.

I was just being friendly.

Sure you were.

Yeah.

Whatever.

What's wrong?

I don't know.
I don't feel right.

- Well, come sit down.
- No.

- No, it's--
- Come sit.

No, I'm fine. I just--

- Lean back.
- No, I'm fine.

Just a little bit.
You're fine.

You're fine.
You're all right.

[clicking]

[phone ringing]

MARY: Hello?

DAN: You still mad?

I wasn't mad.

You sleep okay?

Okay, I guess.
You in the car?

Yeah, yeah, I'm heading over
to Debbie's office.

I'm gonna talk to her
about the article,

and I'll probably stay there
and get some work done.

Plus, I kinda need
to get out of there.

What are you doing?

Just work.

I got another email from
Oceanic Gas and Oil though.

They might want me to come back
to the site of the leak.

Told me to be ready.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, I guess.

- Ready, like today ready?
- No.

I don't think so.

But I wouldn't be surprised
if it's the next day or two.

So dinner tonight?

Uh, let's hold up
on that, yeah?

I got a lot of work
to do today,

especially if I'm gonna be
leaving again.

Right, right.

Okay, we'll talk later then.

- Yep. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

DEBBIE:
Totally off the record, Dan.

What are the chances
of this subterranean community

really happening?

- 50/50.
- Hmm.

Look, there's clearly support
from the city and the public.

The trick here is gonna be
with the private financing.

These development companies
are gonna need a guarantee.

Something like this has
never even been tried before.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey.

- Did you forget?
- I did.

I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry.

Dan, this is Brenda,
our in-house counsel.

She's the one who helped you out
with your situation.

Right, no, thank you.
I appreciate the advice.

Not advice, not advice.

I was weighing in on
a personal matter for a friend.

Exactly. A lawyer
through and through.

So any update?
Just out of curiosity.

No, nothing at all.

She's still just
living in my house

like she has every right
to be there.

You've got quite a situation,
and there is precedent.

But I've gotta say,
in 25 years practicing law,

I have never seen
a similar case.

Great. Lucky me.

You know,
here's what I don't get.

So if 9/10ths of
the law is possession,

can't I just throw her out of
my house, change the locks?

Well, you could,
but if she lawyers up,

you're probably gonna lose.

Plus, you'd be spending
a ton of money

trying to fight it.

Told you, mm-hmm.

Well, Brenda and I
are headed to lunch.

You're welcome to stay
as long as you like.

Mi casa, su casa.

Right, or tu oficina.

- No.
- No.

Well, thank you, thank you.
I really appreciate the help.

- Good luck to you.
- Thank you.

- I'll talk to you later.
- Okay.

Thank you so much
for meeting me so soon.

I really appreciate it.

You kidding? Once you told me
why you DM'ed me,

I couldn't pass up the chance
to stop that bitch

once and for all.

Yeah.

Start from the beginning,
if you don't mind.

Tell me how you met
Kristen Turner.

We were both
bartending at Duke's.

You know that place
out on Route 18?

- Mm-mm.
- You wouldn't.

It's mainly regulars
and truckers

getting off their shift.

But we bonded pretty quickly
for safety, if nothing else.

It was a dangerous place?

It was nice to have company
walking you to your car,

if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Kristen was living
with her boyfriend at the time,

just like I was.

He was a real piece of work,
or so she said.

Half the time, I didn't have
any reason to doubt her.

Was he abusive?

She never said as much.

Seemed embarrassed about it.

That's the feeling I got, yeah.

Hmm.

And then what happened?

I told her
she could stay with us.

Anson, that was my boyfriend
at the time,

he's got his issues,
but he's a teddy bear at heart.

He was more than happy
to help her out.

After all,
we had the extra room

and, to be honest,

the extra cash she gave us
didn't hurt either.

So then she moved in with you.

Yep. And at first,
she was the perfect roommate.

But then?

She got a little too friendly
with Anson.

Did he admit it about...
You know.

No, he denied it, of course.

Anson's got
some great qualities,

but he has always had
a wandering eye.

Not that I didn't know that
when we first got together,

but eventually, I just couldn't
handle the situation anymore.

I told him it was
either Kristen or me.

- He chose her?
- No.

No, of course not.
He told her to hit the road.

And that's when she told us

she had just as much right
to our place as we did.

And that's when she had you
sign something, didn't she?

You bet. Neither of us
even remembered it.

It was right at the beginning
when she moved in.

She told us
it was to protect us,

in case she was some
crazy stalker or something.

Did you guys have
a lawyer look over it

before you signed it?

A lawyer?
The only lawyer we knew

was the public defender
assigned to Anson.

He got stopped on the freeway
after a couple of beers.

And as far as
reading it ourselves,

what the hell do we know
about the law?

Do you think she could be,
I don't know, dangerous?

Listen, as soon as we found out
we were dealing with some loony,

I started doing a little
research of my own,

tracking down people
she's lived with before.

And what'd they say?

They wouldn't even talk to me.

The second I said her name?
Click.

They were frightened.

Look, I don't wanna
tell you what to do,

but there's something
seriously wrong with that woman.

Dan's not here right now.

Actually, I'm here to see you.

Me?

You seem surprised.

I have a legal right to be here,

as I'm sure you know.

You, however, do not,
unless Dan invites you in.

So are you telling me to leave?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

I just wanted to talk to you.

I guess now
me and Dara Woods

will just have to go
to plan B.

How do you know that name?

Oh, don't you worry about it.

So...

What do you want?

I want you to go back

to whatever hole
you crawled out of,

and I never want you
to talk to me or Dan again.

So you think you can come here
and scare me with a name?

How you react is your business.

But you should know
that we had a nice lunch.

And with one other guest.

Our lawyer.

So what?

So one person, one house,

can be construed
as a miscommunication.

The law's probably
on your side,

but if you've done this
more than once,

as Dara will attest,

and believe me,
we'll also find

all the others
you've done this to,

well, it's a criminal
conspiracy.

Fraud.

You'll not only be evicted,
you'll be looking at jail time.

You're lying.

Am I?

Dara Woods is a jealous liar.

Nobody's gonna believe her.

She sounded
pretty convincing to me.

Well, then you won't find
anybody to back her up.

Hmm. You sure?

Because I found Dara
in like 20 minutes.

You're bluffing.

Maybe I am.

Night, Kristen.

Hey.

He's gonna leave you,
you know.

Is that what you got?

No. I have these.

[sighs]

Hi, I'm Tracy Vale.
I live right across the street.

I'm here to see
Dan's girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Mary.

I used to be
Dan's girlfriend.

[engine starts]

VOICEMAIL: It's Mary.
You know what to do.

- [beep]
- DAN: Honey, hey, it's me.

I'm just checking in.

I'm over at Deb's office
to get some work done.

- But call me later, okay?
- [door opens]

I'm back.

Hey, how was lunch?

Overpriced and underwhelming.
You getting a lot of work done?

Yeah, I am, actually.

Still on deadline?

Are we still on deadline?
Who are you talking to?

- I always hit my deadline.
- I was just asking.

So I was thinking
about your situation.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

As unpleasant as it might be,

there might be a great article
in there, no?

No. I really hope
you're kidding.

A creepy cautionary tale
with a legal angle.

Sounds like a great
Grisham book. Why not?

Because with any luck at all,
she'll be out of my place

before I know it.

That's why not.

Hey, what's wrong?

Just, just don't.
I know, Dan.

I know. I saw the pictures.

Mary, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I found Kristen's old roommate
online, and I met with her.

She told me all about
what Kristen was doing to her,

just like what she's
doing to you.

Why didn't you tell me
any of this?

And then I went to your house
to confront Kristen,

but then she showed me
the pictures.

What pictures?

She took pictures.

Mary, she drugged me.

Oh, come on, Dan.

- You can do better than that.
- I know!

Okay, I know
what that sounds like,

and I wasn't positive about it
myself until right now.

But after you left last night,
I had one drink.

One drink! And when I woke up
this morning, I...

I was gonna tell you.

Can we just please go home
and talk about this?

Please?

Right now...

Right now I just need
some space.

Mary...

Mary!

Dan! Dan Settel.

Yeah, hi. I'm Dan.

I'm Tracy Vale,
your neighbor.

Oh, yes, hi.
Nice to meet you.

It's so crazy 'cause I've met
everybody in your house,

except for you.

Wait, you've met--
What do you mean?

I spoke to your girlfriend
several times,

and then earlier today, there's
this very unhappy young woman,

and she was getting in her car.

I'm sorry, my girlfriend?

Blonde, pretty,
sunbathes in the backyard?

That's not my girlfriend.

That's a woman
that I just rent a room to.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I mean, she said she was your--

You know, this is
none of my business, so...

Tracy, I've gotta take care
of something inside.

It was so nice to meet you.
See you soon.

Okay, nice to meet you.

[door opens, closes]

Jeez.

Didn't mean to scare ya.

If I were you,
I'd get away from me,

'cause I can't be
held responsible

for what I might do right now.

You saw Mary, I guess.

Pictures? You took pictures?

Just wanted to remember
our special night.

You're sick.

You know that?
You're really sick.

Takes two to tango.

You drugged me.

Drugged?
[chuckles]

Who's gonna believe that
in this day and age?

Look, you can either
cry over her

or let me make us a nice dinner.

You know you can't complain
about my cooking.

I would rather starve to death
than eat dinner with you.

Hey, Dan,
it's Brenda Evans.

I hope it's not too late
to call,

but I was thinking
about your situation,

and I think I might have
a solution, actually.

It might be
a little unconventional,

but anyway, I want to
talk about it with you,

so give me a call.

[doorbell rings]

Hi. You must be Brenda.
Come in.

Dan's running a little late,
but he'll be here soon.

I'm sorry, I don't mean
to be rude. You are...

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm Mary. I'm Dan's girlfriend.

Here, let's have a seat, okay?
Come on.

You know, this whole situation
really just has us shaken up.

It's just crazy, right?

Well, it is unique.

I know. I mean, this girl,
she just moves in.

Yeah.

It's a good thing
that Dan and I

have a solid relationship, or...

it could really, you know...

But I have to be honest,
she is really gorgeous.

I can see why the guys
want to fall in love with her.

She's not here now, is she?

Oh, no, no, no.

Dan made sure she wasn't gonna
be here when you were here.

- Don't worry.
- Mm.

I know, but I do get
a little paranoid.

Sometimes I think
that she's spying on us.

Yeah.

So how did you come up
with this idea

to get her out of the house?

I think we should
wait for Dan.

Right, of course.

So how about
something to drink?

Water would be great.

Perfect.
Coming right up.

Hey, Dan!
Yeah, she's here.

Yeah, I'll tell her.

Okay, see you soon.

Thank you.

I just spoke to Dan.
He'll be here soon.

Yeah, I know,
I-I just heard you.

So...

being a lawyer's
pretty exciting, huh?

It has its moments.

[coughing]

You must be pretty... smart.

You're not--
You're not Mary.

[groaning]

[groaning continues]

No, I'm not Mary,

I'm Kristen.

[distant dog barking]

[barking continues]

Hmm.

[barking continues]

Hello?

Is anybody home?

Hello!

Hello?

This is breaking
and entering, Tracy.

[sighs]
The door was open.

I just wanted to make sure
you were okay.

Then it's still entering.

Why'd you lie to me?

Excuse me?

I spoke to Dan.

You're not his girlfriend.

Is that what he told you?

You know what?
I don't want any trouble,

so I'm gonna get going.

You've been
a nosy little neighbor.

[door closes]

Kristen?

Jeez.

[knocking]

Kristen.

Kristen.

Kristen, you gotta get up.

Kristen.

What are you doing?

[siren chirps]

[police radio chatter]

How you feeling?

Fine. A little
freaked out, but okay.

Just want to go over some things
with you a few times.

Now, you're telling me

that the first time you met
Miss Vale was yesterday?

Yeah, that's right,
but I just recently moved in,

and I've been away a lot.

Apparently, she interacted with
Kristen on multiple occasions.

Detective, how did she die?

Well, the coroner will give
the official cause of death,

but best we can figure is

it seems as if
she was strangled.

If this was Kristen,
is she strong enough to do that?

There's evidence
of ligature marks.

She most likely used a rope
or some kind of strap.

Wow.

This is all just so crazy.

What I can't figure out is

why was the neighbor
in the house?

At this point,
your guess is as good as ours.

Maybe she followed Miss Turner
here for some reason.

Maybe they got into an argument.

We just can't tell.

Look, we're gonna have some more
questions for you, obviously,

but for right now, I think
it's best if you get some sleep.

All right.
Thank you, Detective.

- Yeah.
- MARY: Thank you.

Okay, you're staying
with me tonight.

No questions asked.

I can't.

What?

I mean, I know that doesn't
make much sense at all,

but I'm not letting
her do this to me.

This is my house.

Okay, then I'm staying with you.

- You sure?
- Of course.

You heard
what the detective said.

She's probably long gone by now.

No reason to ever think
she's coming back. Ever.

DAN: You hungry?

Actually, I'm starving.

Yeah, with everything
that happened,

we completely forgot to eat.

Wanna order something?

Yeah. It's not like
I'm cooking anything.

[chuckles]

All right,
I will run to Golden Chef.

- No, no, no, I'll go.
- Oh, don't be silly.

I'm not. I mean, you've had
a crazy day, to say the least.

Besides, I'd like
to get out a bit.

Okay, if you really don't mind.

Yeah. Our usual?

- Yep.
- Okay.

- Oh, maybe extra egg rolls.
- [chuckles]

[sighs]

♪♪ [sinister]

Well, that was quick.

What'd you forget?

Babe?

Kristen.

Expecting someone else?

- How'd you...
- Get home?

Okay, we, uh...
We can talk about this.

Oh, now you wanna talk?

Before, all you wanted to do
was ignore me.

No, no, that's not true.

It's not.

Kristen, why?

Why are you doing all of this?

Why?

I loved you.

All I wanted to do
was protect you

from those who didn't have
your best interests.

I made this a home.

Our home!

So we could have
the American dream.

But it's not your home.

Look around you, Dan.

I did this!

For us!

Okay, Kristen,
just put the knife down.

I'm sorry, Dan,

but I can't let you
hurt me anymore.

No, see, it's...

It's not too late
to stop all of this.

I can help you.

You're right.

You're right.

It's not too late for me.

But it is for you.

[door closes]

Damn it. Forgot my purse.

- Kristen!
- Hey!

MARY: What the hell happened?

Kristen happened.

I'm calling the detective.

DEBBIE: So did you talk
to that detective again?

What's his name, Reyes?

Yeah, just this morning.

And what did he say?

No sign of Kristen,

but they're confident
they're gonna catch her.

And sooner rather than later.

How can they be so sure?

Remember that lady Mary tracked
down that I told you about?

Well, she gave them
a ton of info.

She's not getting away
with it this time.

But there's no doubt
that she's done this before?

The whole phony
housesitter thing?

Yeah, she has.

Now, murder, well,
they're still looking into that.

But they're 100% sure
that she killed your neighbor?

Oh, yeah.
No, forensics came back.

Her prints were
all over everything.

She didn't even try
to cover it up.

What a nutcase.

Dan, you picked
the wrong housesitter.

How's Mary doing?

Mary's good.

We're good, which is nice.

I'm glad. She's a keeper.

I'll say. Any girl who goes out
to get Chinese food

and comes back
and saves your life...

So, Dan, what if I was
really serious

about this story
being your next article?

Uh, no.

Why not?

Because nobody would believe it.

But it happened!