Original subtitles

(gasps)

No.

(fast-paced piano playing)

Hello.

Hello.

Okay, I'm worried you aren't in love with me anymore

and I am afraid to bring it up

because maybe you'll admit that you aren't

or you'll think I'm being paranoid

which then might make my concern

a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You're being paranoid.

Your eyes look at me dead sometimes.

That is so unfair. My eyes sparkle!

Don't you think, like,

now might be a good time to tell me you love me though?

Now?

Do I need to?

No one needs to,

I just thought you might want to.

Like, I'd inspire a compulsion in you to say it.

I thought it was obvious 'cause I'm, like, here.

No, lots of people in the world are laying in bed right now

with someone they don't love.

(sighs)

(dramatic piano music playing)

This music is making me seem more insane than I am.

Matilda, use the keyboard!

Sorry!

�

Tellulah: I've been meaning to tell you something.

What?

I've been texting Leonard.

Is that bad?

Oh, no, it's bad.

Are you still in love with him?

I'm absolutely not in love with him.

Do you want me to stop? I can stop.

I am not in love with him!

I hate him, he's a villain.

Ah, but love and hate are two sides of the same coin.

I just, I don't want my friend dating a bully.

A bully? What, are we eight years old?

I just think we should be trying to date nice boys.

You are so obsessed with him it's not even funny, bitch.

Should we see if he'll send us a nude?

Is... Is that an option?

Boom! You wanna see his junk so bad!

Oh, my God!

Of course I do.

Okay.

What... What are you saying?

Leonard, I want to see

your throbbing member so bad.

Love, Genevieve.

-What? -I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

It's from me.

(cell phone chimes)

He wants a pic of my vag first.

He asked for that?

He's no fool.

Why do you have to go first?

Feminists go first.

Do I send it?

Are you crazy?

I don't know what to say.

-Do I take a photo? -I'm not taking it.

-I don't know what to do. -Don't.

Let's send someone else's.

There's so many variations, just pick one.

Yeah, but, like, which one?

A good vagina, I don't know.

A good va... What's the criteria?

That one looks like Judge Judy.

-No it doesn't. -Okay, okay.

Um, this one has a nice sense of symmetry

and I believe it for you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's... that one's the best one.

That's-that's a good one.

Oh, my God.

Okay, I'm-I'm sending it to you.

(computer beeps)

-(cell phone chimes) -Got it.

Sent it.

(cell phone chimes)

Here you go.

(softly): Oh, my God.

That's his actual...

I can tell by his hand.

Hey, boyfriend.

(unenthusiastically): Hey.

What?

(sighs)

I'm feeling down after last night.

Still?

Well, you didn't really do much

to make me feel better.

Shh.

Hey, hey, hey. Shush now.

Hey, hey.

(chuckles) Ow.

(kisses)

Are you gonna be like this all day?

I was hoping maybe we could go to the beach.

You hate the beach.

Yeah, when I say the beach,

I mean, like,

somewhere where I'm not in trouble.

You aren't in trouble.

-I'm not in trouble? -You're not in trouble.

Why would I be?

Why would anybody ever wanna put me in trouble?

I feel like you're not taking me seriously.

I'm not taking you seriously!

Well, please do!

(grunts)

I'm in trouble. I'm in palpable, palpable trouble.

You're not in trouble.

I'm not mad at you, okay?

I'm just feeling hurt.

You want me to go onto the naughty corner?

Is that what you want? Yeah, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna be in the naughty corner.

Turn around then.

(indistinct chatter)

Girls send pictures all the time.

Uptown and downtown.

It's disgusting.

(whispering): Tellulah and I sent that exact vagina last night.

That's your vagina?

We got it off the Internet.

Leonard sent us his and then we swapped photos.

You broke the law.

It's child pornography.

We don't know how old that vagina is.

Leonard, though.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You could get jail time.

I mean, or at best, fine/community service.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm deleting it right now.

Um, but before you do, can I... see it?

It's so good.

Ha.

I would have stopped you if I had been

invited to the sleepover.

You're gonna have to tell Tellulah what he's done.

She thinks I'm in love with him.

She'll think I'm up to something.

Barb: I'm just not ready

to show the whole school my vagina.

Not yet.

What? No, you don't have to do that.

We'll see.

All right, let's do this. Let's get... Let's get serious.

How you doing? How you doing, buddy?

What's wrong, buddy?

Okay, last night I wanted you to tell me

that you love me, and you didn't.

And I don't understand why

you didn't wanna make me to feel better?

All right. Well, it's just...

Wait, do you want the truth

or do you want me to say cute distracting things so we can move on?

No, you always do that.

I want you to tell me the truth.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

(cell phone ringing)

Ah!

Who could that be?

Hello?

Hello, it's Matilda's teacher, Sam.

Hi! Hello.

Sam (over phone): I heard about Juilliard

and want to bask in the glory with you.

Yeah, it's great.

It's great.

She's gonna put me in trouble as well.

Everybody just wants to put me in trouble.

...any questions I can answer for you?

Questions? Was I meant to have questions?

No, I don't have any questions.

Have you decided to, in fact, enroll?

Nicholas (over phone): Yes, of course.

Okay, so, um, do we need to make a plan,

or do you already have one?

Nicholas: Yeah, I have a plan.

I have heaps of plans. I have so many plans.

I just wanna make sure we aren't underestimating

what we're up against here.

Me, too.

Okay, I gotta go now I'm afraid.

Nicholas: Okay, thanks.

Thanks, Sam.

-Wait, are you still here? -Sam: Yeah.

I never hang up first, as a therapeutic tool.

Nicholas: Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm going to hang up.

-Sam: You're held until you do. -Okay.

(cell phone beeps)

-All right, you, you. -Me?

-Yes. -Mm-hmm.

So, I was all cozy,

and then you came in with all this hassle,

and it was annoying,

and I find it hard to say

I love you when I don't mean it.

Okay, wow.

I guess I didn't want the truth at all then.

What, sometimes I don't feel it so then I don't say it.

There are times when you don't love me?

Yeah, that's normal, isn't it?

I don't think so.

No, I think that's...

I think that's normal.

I do. I just think other people are better

at lying about it than me.

Well, aren't there times when you don't love me?

No.

Well, I think that's odd.

�

Are you guys going to the show's after party?

-Drea (over radio): No. -No.

They never invite the tech crew.

Without us they'd be performing in the dark with no sound.

(chuckles)

You guys wanna come over to my house?

-Yeah. -Jeremy (over radio): Yeah.

Jeremy, I think Drea has a crush on me.

Jeremy: Drea isn't queer.

Is she? Are you?

I don't wanna answer.

(Matilda giggles)

You guys know I'm sex-positive, right?

Yeah.

I've been thinking about college

and how basically

we're never gonna see each other again.

I-I didn't apply for college.

My parents don't think I'm ready.

You wanna fool around together?

Whoa. Random.

In the controlled environment of my bedroom.

Sounds like a lot of... touching.

Yeah, touching. Nudity, if you want.

Jeremy: Uh, I don't know.

Do I ask my mom?

She-she'll wanna know everything.

So we go to your bedroom and then what?

How does it start?

I'll tell you when it starts.

I wanted to ask that, too.

Uh, I don't even know how it starts.

I'll just say, "I'm starting."

-I'm in. -I'm in.

I just want my boyfriend to love me all the time.

I do!

But you think I'm annoying.

Sometimes.

I can't control what I think.

-(scoffs) -Ugh!

I wish I just lied to you,

and we lived a lie where you're never annoying.

I manage to love you all the time.

Do you? 'Cause it doesn't feel like it

when I look at you looking at me like that.

It feels like actually you're highly critical of me.

Do you even love me?

I love you.

I just wish you weren't

an open sink hole of need.

(cell phone ringing)

(chuckles)

One moment. Sorry.

-Oh, hey, honey. -Genevieve (over phone): Hi.

Um, so, this-- this thing happened.

Oh, no, not another thing.

I'm in a thing with Alex at the moment.

He's glaring at me.

This big, big glaring.

I don't have anyone else to ask.

Not that you would want anyone else, though,

because you've got me.

Leonard asked Tellulah for a vagina pic.

Whoa, we're here already?

Looks like it.

I've never even sent a nude pic.

-Never? -No, it doesn't photograph well.

I turn up with it, though, and then I show it.

Genevieve: Focus!

We sent a fake one.

Cunning.

And Leonard passed it around the whole school.

Not a shocking twist.

Genevieve: Do I tell her what he's done?

She'll think I'm happy about it.

Why will she think you're happy about it?

I used to like him.

Who the hell is this Casanova?

Hello?

I don't know what to do.

I don't know, you've got more information than I do.

I think I should tell her what he's done.

That's sounds very sound.

Do that.

-Thanks. -Nicholas: Bye.

Kids these days.

Huh?

All right, okay, where were we?

Uh, "open sinkhole of need."

Probably a bit much.

Of course. I'm an open sinkhole of need.

You did this to me.

-I used to be fun! -Oh, come on.

When I did just one little thing in Mexico

that you didn't like, you packed your bags.

You threw raw fish on me.

And it annoyed you and you wanted to leave me.

It's normal.

I'm really sorry if I hurt you.

No, I really wasn't, um...

I really wasn't bothered by it,

I just wanted some ammunition.

I wish I could figure out how to stop loving you

so I could just be free.

-(cell phone ringing) -Sorry. One moment.

-No, please take it. -Yeah?

Oh. Hello. Hey, babe.

Remember we decided I could have sex if I asked you first?

I feel a little taken out of context.

You said I could be sex-positive.

That is a different thing, but go on.

Can Jeremy and Drea come over for a threesome?

Um...

Here? Like, over here?

They're waiting.

Nicholas: Drea I saw coming, but Jeremy?

They're both autistic.

Nicholas: Okay. Well, that...

that doesn't matter to me.

But...

(sighs)

Yeah, I can't think of a reason why not.

Well, think harder.

Great. Will you tidy up my room?

What, now I have to do cleaning?

Everyone's having fun,

and I'm just stuck here with you.

What? I was just joking.

Stop it. I'm... funny.

Why won't you just think that I'm funny?

Because it's not fun-n-ny!

It's mean!

Why won't you just love me again

so that I can love you again?

Ugh!

Okay. Fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

In summary, not everything's gonna be perfect all the time,

and that's okay.

Kiss?

-Fine. -Yeah.

So are we hosting this thing?

Ugh.

Can't they just do it behind a shed like I had to?

You never did that.

No, of course not.

Every time it's like entering the cave of wonders.

Oh, brother. No.

Ugh.

(exclaims)

Maybe Matilda isn't prepared for college.

Hmm.

Look at you over there cleaning up my sister's mold.

Maybe I just should have been better.

-Yes! -Yeah.

(both laugh)

Do you wanna move in?

What?

Do you wanna move in?

Where's this coming from?

Um, I don't know.

I was trying to... I was trying to figure out

a way to make you like me again

and that's what I came up with.

Well, how long have you been thinking about this?

Just now.

Well, people think about things.

You know, contemplate them.

And are thoughtful.

Not this guy, though.

I'm spontaneous.

You're insane!

You have two children living in this house.

You can't just invite me to move in.

-Yeah. -It's erratic!

We have something we need to tell you.

Is it that you guys are dumb bitches?

Because I already got that memo.

When you say things like that,

who is it for? Is it for us?

Seriously.

I heard about yours and Genevieve's sleepover.

And I'm not mad about it,

but I am concerned.

Leonard has taken a poor innocent woman's vagina photo,

and spread it around the school thinking it was yours.

I'm sorry, babe.

Well, it was a very beautiful vagina.

Very symmetrical.

(sighs)

You coming?

Wh-where?

To find Leonard.

There he is.

I need you guys for moral support.

What are you gonna do?

-I'm asking him out. -What?

Still?

Can you just explain to me

what he would have to do for you to stop liking him?

I mean, how evil is he allowed to be?

You want some advice?

-I don't know. -She's just gonna say it.

Crushes are over, ladies, okay?

And sex is coming.

And I'm gonna do it with the bad guy with the good face,

because I'm a highly visual person.

I'm wanna look back on my high school years

and be so proud that I did it

with all the hottest guys in school.

More than one?

-There's more than one, Barb. -You know why?

We have the rest of our lives

to settle for someone chubby with a nice job

who respects us.

I am not prepared to compromise on hotness now.

Barb: There she goes.

Chasing tail.

Hey.

What's up?

You wanna chill?

Yeah. Yeah, cool.

What's gonna happen to her?

Everything.

Oh, my God, Duke, my long lost love.

Hello. Hello, my friend.

Well, we've got stuff to do, so...

Yes, you do. Yeah. Okay.

Hello, Drea. Hello, Jeremy.

No one ate my soup.

What is going on in there?

It's very... I just feel very...

-Alex: Hmm. -Hello.

Can Duke stay in the kitchen an hour or two?

-Depending... -Yes. Yes, of course, he can.

Hey, Duke. Hey, buddy.

Ready to roll.

Okay, Jeremy, take off your shirt.

Jeremy: I got, like...

It-it felt too...

I got embarrassed.

That's fine. Should I take mine off?

Not yet.

Well, what are we doing first?

-Oral. -Jeremy: Oral?

Haven't even showered.

What if we each say what we wanna do?

Um...

I don't want to.

You don't have my consent.

I hope that's cool.

Um, I wrote a list of things I wanted to try.

In case you guys wanna do it instead.

-Ice cubes, hot wax, biting. -(door closes)

He's such a loser.

(smooching)

Alex: Ah, yeah, sexy.

(chuckling)

Okay.

Okay.

Just to be clear, I, like,

really don't want you to move in.

I just, I wasn't thinking.

Yeah, I don't want to either.

No one wants to.

Matilda: Okay.

Let's do this.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Um, the-the thing is...

I'm hypo-sensitive to touch,

which you might think means I don't feel things

but actually I do, just very faintly.

It's like a tickle and it isn't that nice.

Okay.

So you have to grab me firmly.

Um, can I grab you to demonstrate?

Mm-hmm.

You try.

Okay.

-Can-can you grab me harder? -Okay.

Harder.

That's awesome.

Okay, now do it to me.

Now this.

Hi, Jeremy.

-Hey. -Oh, no.

J... Jeremy is in the hallway?

Like he froze.

(chuckling)

Hey, buddy, you want some soup?

-Yeah. -Yeah!

You want some soup. Come on.

Thank you.

Good soup.

(laughing)

Yeah?

�

Genevieve: This is my apology.

From the back row.

Can you hear me?

This is my apology.

I took too long.

And the mold came.

And the sun fell.

I'm moondust.

I'm aftertaste.

This is my apology.

For a slow-motion pace.

Well, we did it.

It took three geniuses and 16 years,

but we finally got our first call to the principal's office.

Mm.

Being here really brings back memories.

I almost feel like that class-skipping,

whippet-doing 16-year-old again.

Yeah. Now you're just the work-skipping,

whippet-doing mom of a boy who gets bullied.

(chuckles softly) Honestly, I'm surprised

it took Marc this long to get picked on.

I mean, he's a weird, gifted kid

in an Atlantic City public school.

I wonder what finally did him in?

Oh. Could have been a hundred things.

I mean, he says, "Good morrow."

He's a vocal advocate for thyroid health.

He runs like his arms are trying to get away from his torso.

Yes. Yes.

Mr. and Mrs. Bennett?

Oh, my God. Sweetie, are you okay?

Who did this to you? Just give me a name.

Kids fall off the jungle gym all the time.

No, I think you both misunderstood.

Marc wasn't the victim. He was the bully.

No. No, that can't be right.

I mean, Marc couldn't hurt anybody.

Last night, he got trapped under his weighted blanket.

Technically, it was just a top sheet.

Marc didn't use his fists.

He has a way of making people who aren't as bright as him

feel inferior.

Sweetie, you can't make fun of other kids

because they're not as smart as you.

Actually, the victim wasn't a student.

You didn't tell me he was going to be here.

-Marc bullied his teacher? -No.

I simply correct him when he is wrong.

Which is all the time.

(sighs) He has repeatedly undermined me.

I've lost the respect of the whole class.

You lost that yourself when you said you went to Dartmouth.

It's an Ivy!

Sweetie, you can't treat your teacher like this.

You have to apologize.

All I did was tell the truth.

Apologizing would be lying.

Connie, you promised you'd make him stop.

Connie can't help you now.

� �

I can't believe Marc bullied his teacher.

Brains and cruelty?

I may have finally found a running mate.

I talked to him about it; he wasn't trying to be a bully.

I think he's just acting out because he's bored

and not being challenged at school.

You know, you guys acted out, too, but in different ways.

Like when you grew human ears on the backs of mice

so you could "play God."

Funny story, most of those mice went insane.

This is a problem.

I don't know how we can keep sending Marc to that school.

So, send him to ours.

They'll accept anyone related to me sight unseen.

We can't afford a third kid in private school.

Money doesn't just grow on the backs of mice like ears, Nicole.

If he's bored, can't you just skip him a few grades

so he'll be more challenged?

Oh, he is not emotionally mature enough for that.

And how's he gonna reach the urinals?

I guess he could stand back and arc it.

What about sending Marc to Marlboro Charter?

They have a gifted program.

Jason Berger went there after our school kicked him out

for using the robotics lab to build a girlfriend.

Oh, we have dinner with them on the 24th

to celebrate their anniversary.

What's Marlboro Charter? Sounds expensive.

No, it's free.

It's like a public school with a specialized...

He stopped listening after "free."

I stopped listening after you said you have a dinner date

with a pervert and his robot girlfriend.

From what he says, she's the pervert.

And we think Marlboro Charter's gifted program

would be perfect for Marc.

He wrote his first concerto when he was four

and then self-published a magazine

that gave it a rave review.

Well, it's quite impressive.

And while my little academic sandbox

is open to all qualified children in the district,

I'm concerned about Marc's history of bullying.

I understand.

But that was just a one-time thing.

The class is a little slow for him,

so he's bored and acting out.

Interesting. "He's bored and acting out."

Tell me, was that also your excuse

back when you bullied me?

Uh... I'm sorry, when I...?

I could tell you didn't recognize me.

Ventnor High, we graduated together?

Oh, my God! Yes, yes, of course.

Dr. Walker. How are you?

You were the architect

of the most humiliating moment of my life.

Well, how have you been since then?

I can't believe Marc's bullying was a one-time thing.

The apple rarely falls far from the tree.

Are you kidding me?

That apple fell so far from the tree,

I wouldn't believe it's our apple

if I didn't see the tree push it out with my own eyes.

Marlboro appreciates your interest.

I'll pass Marc's application on to my colleague.

Well, thank you both for your time.

Well, there goes any shot of getting into Marlboro.

That guy really hates you.

I mean, that shredder was brand-new.

I feel like he bought it just for that meeting.

I don't even know what he was talking about.

I wasn't a bully in high school.

I played a few pranks.

I was voted class clown.

Sure, but clowns aren't always funny.

I mean, the most popular ones terrorize Gotham

or live in the sewer and eat children.

Hey.

How did it go at the school?

Uh, great, buddy. Yeah. We-we should hear soon.

I'm hopeful it works out.

Did you see that?

I've never seen him that amped up about anything.

Yeah.

I know. I got to fix things with Walker.

So we'll-we'll just call him and apologize.

That's perfect.

Except for I have no idea who he is or what I did to him.

I got to figure this out.

Someone has to remember him.

I don't remember him.

Wait. Was this the guy

you stapled into the mascot outfit?

-No, that was John Norwood. -Oh.

What about the dude whose deodorant

you switched for spray glue?

Ryan Farley.

And how was I supposed to know he sprayed deodorant down there?

Who does that?

-What? -(scoffs) No one.

That's crazy.

Okay, okay... Oh! What was the name of the flat-assed guy

you shoved into the locker during homecoming?

Oh-oh-oh, oh. Uh, uh, his name was Mike.

(clears throat) Mike Bennett. She married him.

(chuckles)

You know, the more we talk about all the stuff I did,

it sounds more mean than fun.

Was I just a bully in high school?

No... no, babe.

You just-- you did some...

cruel things at the expense of other people's confidence

in their white jean collection.

Wow, Mike. You found the only thing

that a white guy can't get away with.

So Walker was right.

I am the jerk tree,

and Marc is the apple that didn't fall far from me.

Maybe you were a tree on the jerky side,

but you're a different person now.

Pancake-Ass is right.

Why don't you just show this Walker guy that you changed.

Uh, invite him over for dinner or something.

Yeah, or do what you did to us:

invite him over for beer and pizza,

and then talk about stuff he can't even contribute to

because he went to a different high school, Kay!

All right, you know what? Let's give it a try.

We'll roll out the red carpet.

Oh! Was Walker the guy you rolled in that carpet?

MIKE: No-no-no-no-no.

Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh, also me.

Walker just e-mailed back.

He is in for dinner tomorrow.

But he said his "girlfriend" can't make it.

Weirdly, he's the one who put "girlfriend" in quotes.

Great. Did he mention any food allergies?

'Cause we throw a couple nuts in his salad,

next thing you know, we're saving his life

and he owes us.

-Ha! -Oh. Hey, buddy.

What did we say about you and lurking?

Don't get caught.

Maybe now's a good time to talk to your apple.

Hey, sweetie.

Here. Sit.

You know,

I've been thinking about all the stuff I did

when I was in school, and you know what I realized?

It is never okay to bully.

-Well, actually... -I hate when they start sentences like that.

I recently read an article that I wrote

that highlights the sociopolitical benefits

of diminishing the weakest among us.

From an evolutionary standpoint, ineptitude should be ridiculed,

as to discourage that trait from the species.

Does everything have to be a nature documentary?

Just be kind to people, even if they're dumber than you.

So, based on that premise,

I should be extra nice to Brian.

What a beautiful sentiment from my brilliant

and symmetrically-featured sister.

In case your lackluster intelligence isn't following,

it is I who am being nice because...

because of what Mom said.

Interesting.

They're being nice to be mean.

-No, no-no-no-no-no, don't learn this. -MIKE: Guys,

niceness is not a weapon, okay?

It makes the world a better place,

and also, it's a great way to hedge your bet

in case there really is a heaven.

So just put your egos aside and-and just,

you know... be good.

Forever.

Yes!

Definitely forever. But especially tomorrow.

Because Marc's academic life hangs in the balance,

and we have to prove

that we are a warm, loving family,

and not just a bunch of bullies.

Hey, Dad, can I borrow your hammer?

My imaginary friend needs to be taught a lesson.

Hey, what do you think?

Pretty clean, right?

I mean, I had to drill the closet door shut

'cause it wouldn't stay. But that's for tomorrow us.

Nice. Look what I got.

Nothing says "warm, kind home" like a welcome mat.

Good news, it was on sale.

Bad news, it says "Welcome to our ho ho home."

That's perfect. He's gonna think

we're year-round Christmas people.

Those freaks are nice to a fault.

BRIAN: Mom,

your deceitful daughter plagiarized

my look for the night.

Plagiarized? You took that turtleneck out of my drawer.

What happened to you two out-nice'ing each other?

That tiresome charade ran its course.

Yeah, it got weird when Nicole tried to draw me a bath.

Okay, Walker is going to be here any minute.

I don't have time for your your fighting

and competing right now.

Nicole gets the turtleneck, Brian gets the khakis,

no one gets a bath.

Why can't they ever just make anything easy?

Isn't it obvious?

I was a bully, and now I'm raising an army of bullies.

Well, I don't know about an army.

I'd say maybe an elite task force.

I was just worried about Marc, but it's all of them.

It's like my mean DNA combined with their brains

makes them bullying supersoldiers.

Well, we can't count on the kids, so it's just gonna be

up to us tonight to make sure that-that we're nice.

Okay, you know you're already, like, professionally nice,

so you're just saying that to remind me.

-What? -Do you not think I'm nice?

Yeah, of course you're nice, babe.

Yeah-- I'm just, I'm saying, you know, it never hurts to, uh,

-be more nice. -What the hell is more nice?

-Not this. -(doorbell rings)

Great.

Now I'm all in my head about "more nice."

You know, I'm gonna "more nice" your head right up your...

(gasps) Hey, you!

Get in here.

-I'm a hugger. -Oh.

Careful, I have a soft spine.

This is a very quaint home.

Shoes on, I assume.

Dr. Walker, thank you for coming.

We're sorry your girlfriend couldn't make it.

Ah. Yes, well, actually, we broke up.

My decision.

And don't try calling her; she doesn't have a phone.

Please come in. Let me introduce you to the family.

Um, t-this here is Leila.

And of course, this is Marc--

come here, buddy-- the man of the hour.

-Enchant�, Marc. -Enchant�, aussi.

Oh, French. (chuckles)

The language of France.

Okay. (clears throat, chuckles)

KAY: And these are our other two

gifted children Brian and Nicole.

-Enchant�. -Enchant�.

-Enchant�. -Enchant�. -NICOLE: Actually,

I think you can help us.

My brother and I were having an intellectual debate.

Is there any other kind? (laughs)

How droll.

As an academic evaluator, you are uniquely qualified

to settle something for us.

Uh, we don't need to bother Dr. Walker with...

We could show you our r�sum�s, drone on

about our commendations, but let's dismiss the formalities.

You've seen enough.

Decide: who is drawing whom a bath?

Come again?

Who is drawing whom...

(laughs): Okay. Why don't, why don't we, uh,

go upstairs and, uh, and change our clothes... (clears throat)

...and our personalities?

Okay. So the kids enchant�d the bed.

I think it's time to pull the trigger and say you're sorry.

(whispers): Ah, yeah. There's one problem-- same problem--

-I don't remember him. -Right.

Okay. Okay, I-I got this. (clears throat)

So, Dr. Walker, tell me about yourself.

D-Did you play any sports in high school?

(chuckles) No, I was not a sporting man.

The only team I cheered for was the team of physicians

trying to rectify my calcium deficiency.

I drank an obscene amount of milk.

Cool, cool. That seems like a memorable characteristic,

just a sick dude chugging milk all the time?

What is this?

No, no, no. Uh, we're-we're not...

I had my reservations about tonight.

Now I see you brought me here only to mock me.

My girlfriend was right. I shouldn't have come.

I thought you broke up.

This is a new one.

She also has no phone. I should be going.

No-- Dr. Walker, wait.

I realize now that I was not a good person in high school.

I feel terrible about the things I did back then,

and I wish I could apologize

for what I did to you.

But the truth is, I don't even remember what it was.

Well, I appreciate your candor.

I wish it were only so easy for me

to forget about that election speech.

Election speech.

You're Andy Walker.

(high-pitched): And I owe you an apology.

(regular voice): Oh.

Would you, um...

excuse me?

Uh, I'm just gonna go help her for a minute.

(clears throat)

-What is going on? -I remember Walker.

Senior year, right before his student council speech,

I slipped a bottle of laxatives into his prescription soup.

Walker was the kid that dumped out in front of the school.

I remember that.

They had to replace the whole stage.

But this is great. Now you can really apologize.

No, I can't. I will never ever apologize to that guy.

Well, drink up. Usually after the second glass,

you're more up to try things you first said no to.

-Why won't you tell this guy you're sorry? -Look,

I feel bad about a lot of stuff I did back then, but not that.

That was not bullying, it was standing up for a friend.

My only regret is I didn't use more laxatives.

But I needed to fit into my prom dress.

-But again... -The guy was a huge creep.

He had a crush on my friend Heather, and she just

didn't like him back, so he lied about her cheating off him

and got her kicked out of school.

Whoa, that guy did that?

Okay, they might get the bullying from me,

but they get the lurking from you.

Yes.

Your mom needs to say she's sorry to this guy.

But it sounds like she was right.

She shouldn't have to apologize.

Ugh, I have to be a parent right now, don't I?

Your dad has a point.

What I did was wrong, and it is never okay

to treat someone like that.

So I should own up to it.

(whispers): Even though I was right and I don't want to.

And then Neil deGrasse Tyson said, "Give me some time."

And I said, "What is time?" and, oh, did we laugh.

Well, I laughed.

He was very far away.

Can I go to bed?

Dr. Walker, I just want to finish what I was saying before.

Oh.

KAY: I am...

sorry for what I did to you.

It was, uh...

Cruel, childish and unjustified?

Those are three things.

And for whatever reasons I thought I had, I see now that...

You did it because you were jealous

of my success and intelligence.

The important thing is that Marc is a great kid.

All of my kids are great kids,

and I have done my best to set a good example for all of them.

Well, at least you have the self-awareness

to make yourself a cautionary tale for your children.

Though you must appreciate the irony.

You, once so powerful and popular, now reduced

to working at a second-rate casino, pleading for my help

like a squirrel trapped in a garden rake.

Okay. Okay, ho-- That is my squirrel.

-Mike, it's fine. -It is fine.

I graciously accept your apology.

Justice has been served.

All is right in the world.

You're a dick.

-Leila. -NICOLE: She's right.

No one can talk to our mother like that.

Especially not some pedantic pseudo-intellectual.

Pseudo? I have an IQ of 135.

(both laugh)

I can't believe you'd admit that.

So, you're just a whole family full of bullies.

I guess some things never change.

You should know.

Becoming an educator is a transparent attempt

to wield power in an environment where you once felt so impotent.

What know you of my impotence?

Your words mean nothing.

"Let them speak lewdly of me, what am I the worse?"

-Sir Thomas More. -(scoffs)

More like Sir Thomas Snore.

(both laugh)

I'll be going.

Marc, it seems like you're the only decent one of the bunch.

Wait.

(whispering indistinctly)

(crying softly)

Sir Thomas More was a damned fool.

(door opens, closes)

What did you say to him?

Just enough.

Again, I am so sorry for all of the mean things I said

and did to you in high school.

Thanks. It was nice talking to you, too.

Jerry Weenus accepted my apology.

Another burned bridge rebuilt--

-And what are you wearing? -Oh. These?

Well, I figured, now that we are officially

a bully-free ho ho home, I am free to be me.

And I can't say anything about it.

No, you cannot.

You just got to watch me walk. (chuckles)

Okay, the jeans don't want to sit. (clears throat)

Announcing entrance.

Sweetie, we are so sorry about Marlboro.

But don't worry, we are gonna come up with another plan.

It's okay. I'm going to apologize to my teacher.

-You are? -If you could be nice to a jerk

like Dr. Walker for me, I can be nice to my teacher for you.

It's not his fault he went to Dartmouth.

(chuckles)

Wow, that is really mature of you, buddy.

Yeah.

Maybe even like seventh grade mature.

-Then we'd have two drop-offs. -Sixth it is.

Hey, jelly bean, what are you doing?

I'm going to dig in the backyard.

Oh, y-you planting something?

Sort of. Let's just say that you won't be seeing

my imaginary friend around here anymore.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH