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1
00:00:03,742 --> 00:00:05,396
.
2
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:07,572
- "Will & Grace" is recorded
in front of a live audience.
3
00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:09,096
[line trilling]
4
00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:10,967
- Grace, don't.
She said not to.
5
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,013
- Hey, Karen, uh,
I know that you said
6
00:00:13,056 --> 00:00:14,710
you never wanted
to see us again,
7
00:00:14,753 --> 00:00:16,755
and I totally respect that,
but I just wanted to call
8
00:00:16,799 --> 00:00:20,977
and say hey and make sure
you're okay, okay?
9
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,675
So...hey.
10
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:27,070
Okay.
11
00:00:28,071 --> 00:00:29,246
Oy vey.
12
00:00:30,856 --> 00:00:33,207
- Wow, that was like word jazz.
13
00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:35,992
- Well, I am worried about her.
14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,734
Karen just met this guy a week
ago, and she's in love?
15
00:00:38,777 --> 00:00:40,127
- Whatever happens,
16
00:00:40,170 --> 00:00:41,911
I'm sure here true friends,
Alcohol and Painkiller,
17
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:44,348
will be there for her.
18
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:46,568
- I'm not saying
we could take their place.
19
00:00:47,873 --> 00:00:49,266
It just doesn't feel right.
20
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:51,007
[knock at door]
21
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,878
- Hey, losers.
It's me, Karen.
22
00:00:52,922 --> 00:00:54,924
I just stopped by
your dumb apartment
23
00:00:54,967 --> 00:00:56,186
to tell you to leave me alone.
24
00:00:56,230 --> 00:00:57,840
No need to open the--
25
00:01:00,451 --> 00:01:02,192
Okay, I'm not really Karen.
26
00:01:02,236 --> 00:01:04,890
It's me, Friday.
27
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:06,066
- Wow.
28
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,676
The similarities
are nonexistent.
29
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:10,374
- Karen told me to trick you
30
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:11,984
so you that you wouldn't
go looking for her.
31
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,334
I knew I should've finished
32
00:01:13,377 --> 00:01:15,597
Natalie Portman's
MasterClass.
33
00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:16,989
- Where is Karen?
34
00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:19,557
Friday, if you know something,
you have to tell us.
35
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:21,994
- Okay, you know that new guy
she's seeing? Phil?
36
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:23,561
Well, she told him
about her cabin,
37
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,346
and they decided to go
there for the weekend.
38
00:01:25,389 --> 00:01:27,043
- Wait, her cabin in the woods?
39
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,567
The one that's a million miles
away from anything?
40
00:01:29,611 --> 00:01:31,134
- We gotta get to that cabin.
- What?
41
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,136
You just told me
not to get involved.
42
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:34,398
- Okay, look,
I finally listened
43
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:35,747
to the "Dirty John" podcast.
44
00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,575
- I still have two episodes
to go.
45
00:01:37,619 --> 00:01:39,142
I was waiting for you
to catch up!
46
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,665
- Okay, there's--there's--
there's more.
47
00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:43,451
After I finished "Dirty John"
I listened "Malicious Mark."
48
00:01:43,494 --> 00:01:44,974
- What?
49
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,238
We said we were gonna save
"Malicious Mark" for Purim.
50
00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:49,370
- Wait, look.
51
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:51,372
The--the point is
there's a pattern
52
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:53,156
to all of these
true crime podcasts
53
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,115
that's happening
with Karen and Phil.
54
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,899
Mysterious man
from out of nowhere,
55
00:01:56,942 --> 00:01:59,336
claims to be a doctor...
- Goes after wealthy women...
56
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:01,382
- Tries to separate her
from her friends.
57
00:02:01,425 --> 00:02:02,687
- We have to get to the cabin.
- I'll drive.
58
00:02:02,731 --> 00:02:04,733
- I'll criticize.
59
00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:08,084
[upbeat trumpet
and piano music]
60
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:15,178
♪
61
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,181
- No, please!
62
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,878
[pants]
Phil, I beg you!
63
00:02:19,922 --> 00:02:21,271
Stop or I'll scream!
64
00:02:21,315 --> 00:02:22,403
- Scream all you want.
65
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:23,926
There's no one around
for miles.
66
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:26,798
- [gasping]
67
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:28,887
[whimpering]
68
00:02:28,931 --> 00:02:31,499
[sings operatic high note]
69
00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:32,978
[exhales]
70
00:02:33,022 --> 00:02:35,851
- I have to warn you, the
procedure I'm about to perform
71
00:02:35,894 --> 00:02:37,635
is not covered by Obamacare.
72
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:38,767
- [gasps]
73
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,769
You're a little early, Doctor,
but...
74
00:02:40,812 --> 00:02:43,163
I think
I can squeeze you in.
75
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:47,471
♪
76
00:02:47,515 --> 00:02:51,910
- Okay, ladies, eight hours
until the grand reopening.
77
00:02:51,954 --> 00:02:54,957
- Wow, look at you,
all boss-lady like.
78
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,132
Hmm.
79
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,962
Turns out,
the devil wears Old Navy.
80
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:01,050
- I know, right?
81
00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:02,530
I'm such a hard-ass.
82
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,794
Owen!
83
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,013
If you have time to lean,
you got time to preen!
84
00:03:08,057 --> 00:03:09,450
Lick those eyebrows neat.
85
00:03:11,887 --> 00:03:12,931
Next time,
do it with your tongue;
86
00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:13,889
you get a raise.
87
00:03:16,892 --> 00:03:19,416
What are these ruby slippers
doing here?
88
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:20,983
- I--I thought they looked
pretty there.
89
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:22,898
- You thought?
90
00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:24,856
This guy.
91
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,467
Last time I checked,
92
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:29,948
I was the only one who got paid
to "thought," huh?
93
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,385
And I say they look pretty...
94
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,650
Here.
95
00:03:35,693 --> 00:03:38,566
- That is better, sir.
- Yeah, it is.
96
00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:40,350
[rapidly] Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh.
97
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:43,223
That's Dexter Murphy
from "The New York Gayzette"
98
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,747
He's interviewing me
about my big opening.
99
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:48,793
[laughing]
100
00:03:50,317 --> 00:03:52,232
Hello, welcome.
I'm Jack McFarland.
101
00:03:52,275 --> 00:03:54,843
- I'm Dexter Murphy,
"New York Gayzette."
102
00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:57,498
- I loved your takedown
of Andy Cohen's dog.
103
00:03:57,541 --> 00:04:00,283
Ugh, that bitch had it coming.
104
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:03,547
Yeah.
May I take your...poncho?
105
00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,681
Or is that
what's holding you together?
106
00:04:09,988 --> 00:04:12,556
- We missed the turn.
- No, this is right.
107
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,731
- Well, how do you know?
108
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,385
You said Karen blindfolded you
109
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,082
so that you wouldn't see
where it was.
110
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,649
- She does not like drop-ins,
111
00:04:18,693 --> 00:04:21,478
but I can figure it out with
my heightened sense of smell.
112
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:23,350
It's kind of my superpower.
113
00:04:23,393 --> 00:04:25,177
And I'm getting...
[inhales]
114
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:27,832
Raspberry cream and...
[inhales]
115
00:04:27,876 --> 00:04:29,094
Epoxy glue.
116
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:31,271
The turn's coming up.
117
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,403
- Raspberry cream and glue?
118
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,927
There is nothing in the world
that smells like--
119
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:39,191
- "Gower's Fruit-Filled Candy
and Marine Sealants,"
120
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:41,585
100 yards.
121
00:04:41,629 --> 00:04:44,109
Wow, that's--
that's quite a nose.
122
00:04:44,153 --> 00:04:45,633
- My dad raised bloodhounds.
123
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:47,374
I used to always try
to find the dead rabbits
124
00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:48,723
before they could.
125
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:50,507
You know, so that Dad
would love me.
126
00:04:50,551 --> 00:04:52,335
I always won--
127
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,511
the rabbits, not his love.
128
00:04:54,555 --> 00:04:57,645
♪
129
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:00,474
.
130
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:03,041
- So let me get right to it,
Mr. McFarland.
131
00:05:03,085 --> 00:05:05,479
How do you plan on keeping
132
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:10,135
an iconic institution like
Coco's open without Coco?
133
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,050
- Oh, oh, they'll still come.
Yeah.
134
00:05:12,094 --> 00:05:13,922
I'm not changing anything.
Yeah.
135
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,750
We're just under
new management.
136
00:05:15,793 --> 00:05:17,752
The bar's transitioning...
137
00:05:17,795 --> 00:05:20,363
like half our patrons.
138
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,974
- Do you think people who are
transitioning are funny?
139
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:23,975
- Oh, God, no.
140
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,499
They have no sense of humor.
141
00:05:27,718 --> 00:05:29,329
- Thank you for your time.
142
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:33,028
I must rush this to my editor
because, clearly,
143
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,030
this place won't be open
much longer.
144
00:05:35,073 --> 00:05:36,423
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
145
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,120
Wait, wait, I forgot
to tell you about the one thing
146
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:39,600
I'm bringing to the bar
that's gonna make
147
00:05:39,643 --> 00:05:40,731
everyone wanna come here.
148
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,385
It's, uh...
149
00:05:43,865 --> 00:05:45,301
[gasps]
Ooh, ooh!
150
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:48,348
These are the original
ruby slippers
151
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,654
worn by Judy Garland
in "The Wizard of Oz."
152
00:05:50,698 --> 00:05:52,090
Yes, they are.
153
00:05:52,134 --> 00:05:55,137
- Are those real?
- Yes, they are real.
154
00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:59,359
Uh, and that's why I'm renaming
the bar to "the Ruby Slipper."
155
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:02,274
What kind of an idiot would do
that unless they weren't real?
156
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:04,233
- I know one.
157
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:06,931
- What if we're wrong?
158
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,106
What if we get there
and they're just having
159
00:06:08,150 --> 00:06:09,804
a normal romantic weekend?
160
00:06:09,847 --> 00:06:10,892
- Better to be wrong
161
00:06:10,935 --> 00:06:12,284
than to find out
162
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:13,851
he chopped her up to make stew.
163
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:16,071
And that's what "Malicious
Mark" did to his victims.
164
00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,377
- Why would Phil
go through all this?
165
00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:19,379
That's what I don't get.
- Money.
166
00:06:19,422 --> 00:06:21,468
They're always after the money.
167
00:06:21,511 --> 00:06:23,383
- Yeah, but he's so handsome,
though.
168
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,036
You think he could get money
out of women
169
00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,037
without killing them.
170
00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:28,126
I mean, that body after 40?
171
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:31,869
I'd give him my debit card.
172
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:33,349
- One good thing is, legally,
173
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,959
even if he wanted
Karen's money,
174
00:06:35,003 --> 00:06:36,134
he couldn't get it.
175
00:06:36,178 --> 00:06:37,440
Not unless they're married.
176
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,094
- Okay, Doctor.
177
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,748
Truth or dare?
178
00:06:40,791 --> 00:06:42,271
- Hmm.
179
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:43,403
Truth.
180
00:06:43,446 --> 00:06:45,883
- Um, have you ever
stolen anything?
181
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:47,711
- Oh.
182
00:06:47,755 --> 00:06:49,539
Well, once when I was ten,
183
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:53,064
I took some licorice
from the corner store, and...
184
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:55,371
I felt so guilty
that I went right back in
185
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,894
and apologized to the owner.
186
00:06:56,938 --> 00:06:59,027
- Aww.
That's so sweet.
187
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:01,203
- Oh!
And a truck full of TVs.
188
00:07:01,246 --> 00:07:02,770
Yeah, the guy just
left it running,
189
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:05,686
and I hopped in just to see
if I could get away with it.
190
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,165
I did.
191
00:07:07,209 --> 00:07:08,732
I got away with it.
192
00:07:08,776 --> 00:07:11,474
- Oh, good, because when you
told me the licorice story,
193
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,737
I was worried I'd hitched
my wagon to a fruit cart.
194
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,304
- Aww.
195
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:17,611
Karen, you make me so happy.
196
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:21,136
- You, me too, Phil.
197
00:07:24,792 --> 00:07:26,707
[giggles]
Um...
198
00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,360
ooh, I got a good one.
199
00:07:28,404 --> 00:07:30,624
Have you ever killed anyone?
[laughs]
200
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:33,583
- Isn't it my turn?
201
00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,544
- Oh, right.
I'm sorry, darling.
202
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:39,197
- Oh, that's okay, baby.
203
00:07:39,241 --> 00:07:41,069
So truth or dare?
204
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:42,505
- Dare.
205
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,116
- Marry me.
206
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:48,076
[bongo and piano music]
207
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:52,994
♪
208
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,084
- Do you see Karen?
209
00:07:56,127 --> 00:07:57,477
- I don't think anyone's here.
210
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:58,608
- She's here.
[inhales]
211
00:07:58,652 --> 00:08:02,003
I smell Chanel and Adderall.
212
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:03,395
- Do you think
they went for a walk?
213
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:06,007
- Oh, in "Malicious Mark,"
when the sun went down,
214
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,835
he took his victim
for a walk in the woods.
215
00:08:07,878 --> 00:08:09,445
That's when he'd...
216
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,838
and then...
217
00:08:10,881 --> 00:08:12,883
- He made them cotton candy?
218
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:14,363
- Stew.
219
00:08:14,406 --> 00:08:16,800
He made stew out of them.
220
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,194
- You don't think rotten Phil
did the same with Karen?
221
00:08:19,237 --> 00:08:21,501
- It can't be "Rotten Phil."
It's gotta start with a P.
222
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:22,893
- Oh, like "Philadelphia Phil."
223
00:08:22,937 --> 00:08:24,242
- If he's from Philadelphia.
224
00:08:24,286 --> 00:08:26,114
- Ooh, ooh, how about
"Psychotic Phil"?
225
00:08:26,157 --> 00:08:28,116
- The P can't be silent.
226
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,596
- How about "Psychotic Sam"?
227
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:32,729
- "Psychotic Sam."
That's good.
228
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,906
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, both
words have to start with a "ph"
229
00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:37,168
and one of them has to be Phil.
230
00:08:37,212 --> 00:08:38,213
It's not that hard a concept.
231
00:08:38,256 --> 00:08:39,693
[all shriek]
232
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,999
Hey. [chuckles]
233
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:44,611
Hey, Sam--uh, Phil.
234
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,961
[laughing] We--the three of us
were just, uh--
235
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:48,397
- The two.
I'm not with them.
236
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:49,746
I'm just a Jehovah's Witness,
237
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,227
but you guys seem
too smart for us. [laughs]
238
00:08:53,358 --> 00:08:55,230
- Yeah, so we were--
we were just--
239
00:08:55,273 --> 00:08:57,493
- Uh, we were in the
neighborhood because--
240
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,191
- We--we've got a--a cabin
on the lake...
241
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:01,628
- Yeah.
- ...too, right down...
242
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,935
round...
'bout there, a piece.
243
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,068
Uh, yeah.
244
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:09,374
- Uh, uh, can we see Karen?
245
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,420
- Don't you mean
Mrs. Phillip Johnson?
246
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:13,465
- You two got married?
247
00:09:13,509 --> 00:09:15,163
- The justice of the peace
just left.
248
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:16,643
It was a beautiful ceremony.
249
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,515
I totally cried because
that's a thing people do.
250
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:24,825
- Um, can we congratulate Karen
in person?
251
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:27,088
- Oh, she went for a walk.
252
00:09:27,131 --> 00:09:29,307
It's getting dark.
Hope nothing happened to her.
253
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:32,180
Why don't you come in and wait?
I'm making stew.
254
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,272
Aren't you coming?
both: Yes, yes!
255
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:39,143
[piano music]
256
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:41,058
.
257
00:09:41,102 --> 00:09:43,583
[classy piano music]
258
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:46,194
- [sighs]
It's 8:15.
259
00:09:46,237 --> 00:09:47,674
Why is nobody here?
260
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:50,415
There must be a sale
on glitter.
261
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,330
Or maybe Lin-Manuel Miranda
262
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,158
is doing is doing
an impromptu rap somewhere,
263
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:57,118
and everybody's
being forced to like it.
264
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,206
Every reservation?
265
00:09:58,249 --> 00:10:00,338
- Every one, canceled.
266
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:03,907
- I don't get it.
This is my grand reopening.
267
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:06,649
This place should be fending
off drunk bachelorettes
268
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:09,652
crying about their gay cousins
in Kansas.
269
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,654
- You think it might have
something to do
270
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,569
with the article
that was just posted?
271
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,918
Read the headline.
272
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,920
- "New Owner of Miss Coco's
273
00:10:16,964 --> 00:10:19,923
Fails to Google Ruby Slippers
Before Lying About Them."
274
00:10:21,446 --> 00:10:23,797
Do you think this is gonna
affect my big opening?
275
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,450
[both laughing]
276
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,930
It's not funny now!
277
00:10:27,801 --> 00:10:30,673
- You shouldn't have lied
to that reporter, Jack.
278
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,675
- I know, I know.
I just--
279
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:35,460
I want so badly
for this to be a success.
280
00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,680
- But you just started.
281
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:39,595
Come on.
Give it time.
282
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,683
- Time for what?
283
00:10:40,727 --> 00:10:42,163
I never should have bought
this place
284
00:10:42,206 --> 00:10:43,773
in the first place.
285
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:46,210
Yes, I know, I just said
the word "place" twice.
286
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:48,691
- Listen,
287
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,694
when I bought this place,
it was a deli,
288
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,914
but I had a vision.
289
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:58,701
I based the entire concept
on something I loved...
290
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,965
Me.
[chuckles]
291
00:11:02,009 --> 00:11:05,839
- So you're saying I should
make this bar all about me?
292
00:11:05,882 --> 00:11:07,405
- No, dear. No.
293
00:11:07,449 --> 00:11:10,321
It's a business.
You want paying customers.
294
00:11:11,975 --> 00:11:13,542
You gotta put
your own stank on it.
295
00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:15,979
- [sighs]
What if nobody likes my stank?
296
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,200
- Listen.
297
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:22,159
Life is a gamble,
298
00:11:22,203 --> 00:11:25,075
but at least
you're rolling the dice.
299
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:28,383
You know, most people don't
have the guts to do that.
300
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,954
- Thanks, Coco,
but it's too late.
301
00:11:33,997 --> 00:11:36,043
- [sighs]
- That article's gonna bury me.
302
00:11:36,086 --> 00:11:38,785
Every gay guy in New York City
is gonna read that story
303
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:40,743
and then retweet it
with a mean GIF
304
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,702
of Beyoncé's hair
getting caught in a fan.
305
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,270
- So?
306
00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,230
You give that reporter
another story to tell,
307
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:51,841
because if there's one thing
our people like better
308
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,756
than watching
one of our own stumble,
309
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,976
it's cheering
when they get back up
310
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,500
for a glorious second act.
311
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:02,286
Look at Renée in "Judy."
312
00:12:02,330 --> 00:12:04,767
- Oh, my God.
You're right.
313
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,508
You're right, Coco.
314
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:08,989
I'm gonna call that reporter
and give him a new story,
315
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:10,947
because, God as my witness,
316
00:12:10,991 --> 00:12:15,212
I will Zellweger this so hard,
my opening will be huge!
317
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:19,521
And that's funny again.
Go ahead.
318
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:22,132
[both laughing]
319
00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:23,917
- Why did we come inside?
320
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,745
This is just like
every horror movie.
321
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:28,922
First they invite you in, make
you feel at home, and then...
322
00:12:28,965 --> 00:12:31,402
- What, you think
he's gonna give you a handy?
323
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,711
- Stabbing!
This is stabbing.
324
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,235
- Then stabbing
is how I got popular.
325
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,936
- All I'm saying is,
326
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,329
until we know Karen is safe,
we gotta be careful.
327
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:48,202
Grace, what are you doing?
- I'm hungry.
328
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,944
The drive up took six hours.
329
00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:53,990
- [whispering]
What if the stew is Karen?
330
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,081
- I mean, it's already made.
331
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:01,737
- Put the spoon down.
Put the spoon down.
332
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,174
- Lotta whispering going on.
333
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:06,394
Hope you're talking about
my wedding gift.
334
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,918
Wouldn't say no
to a wood chipper.
335
00:13:10,528 --> 00:13:13,140
- Um, actually, we were just
saying how exciting it is
336
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,577
that you and Karen got married.
337
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:16,970
It happened so fast.
338
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,841
- Yeah, she didn't knock you
up, did she?
339
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,888
[laughs]
- Come on, you guys.
340
00:13:21,931 --> 00:13:23,063
I mean,
you don't think one of us
341
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:24,629
trapped the other in marriage,
do you?
342
00:13:24,673 --> 00:13:25,848
- Not at all.
- Oh, God, no.
343
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:27,502
- Because Karen and I
are in love.
344
00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:29,156
- True love. I see it.
- Really, a beautiful thing.
345
00:13:29,199 --> 00:13:31,332
- Not to mention,
men can't get pregnant.
346
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:34,291
We have ways to shut that down
with our body.
347
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:39,775
- That's funny
you mention that,
348
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,604
considering I am pregnant.
349
00:13:42,647 --> 00:13:44,345
Not sure if you remembered
350
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:47,696
I'm carrying precious life
inside me.
351
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:49,219
- Yeah, ooh.
Me too.
352
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:50,742
I mean, w--with a surrogate.
353
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:52,092
- Yeah, but he's not
carrying the baby.
354
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:53,658
- No, but I am
the baby's father.
355
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:57,010
- You don't need to be here--
- Yeah, okay.
356
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:58,446
I want to be here for it.
357
00:13:58,489 --> 00:13:59,882
- But if you died suddenly,
358
00:13:59,926 --> 00:14:00,883
it wouldn't be the worst thing.
359
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,145
- Grace!
360
00:14:02,189 --> 00:14:03,016
- Oh!
361
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,626
[groans]
Cut myself.
362
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,149
Oh, blood.
Ah, I hate it.
363
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:08,021
I hate looking at blood.
- Aren't you a surgeon?
364
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:09,544
- Well, my own blood.
365
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,894
Other people's blood,
I have no problem with.
366
00:14:13,374 --> 00:14:15,376
I'm gonna get a bandage.
Agh! Ugh! Ick!
367
00:14:15,419 --> 00:14:17,030
[waggles tongue]
I'm gonna puke.
368
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:18,466
Agh.
369
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:21,817
- Okay, I got a bad feeling
about this guy.
370
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:24,211
- You think?
Where is Karen?
371
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:25,690
I don't believe for a second
372
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:26,866
that she went for a walk
in the woods.
373
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:28,171
Do you?
374
00:14:28,215 --> 00:14:29,956
- Karen wouldn't be caught dead
in nature.
375
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:31,000
The only reason she'd go
to the woods
376
00:14:31,044 --> 00:14:32,219
is to lure children
377
00:14:32,262 --> 00:14:35,700
to her house made of candy.
378
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,615
- Psst, you guys.
379
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:38,921
- Friday, where did you go?
380
00:14:38,965 --> 00:14:41,184
- Oh, I kinda freak out
around murderers.
381
00:14:41,228 --> 00:14:42,142
I know,
382
00:14:42,185 --> 00:14:43,404
you'd think after what happened
383
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:44,884
to my first two roommates,
I'd be over it,
384
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,537
but...guess not.
385
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:48,670
- Why don't you go back
to the car
386
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:49,889
and see if
you can get a signal?
387
00:14:49,932 --> 00:14:51,412
- Okay,
but it's super cold out,
388
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:53,414
and I definitely just
heard a big animal.
389
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,329
I think it might've
been a bear.
390
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,157
- Okay, well,
make yourself big, or--
391
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:58,767
or make yourself small, or--
392
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,116
you'll figure something out.
393
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:04,468
- That was close.
394
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:05,861
In the medical profession,
we call that
395
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,472
a stage-three boo-boo.
396
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,387
- Okay, Phil.
397
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,388
Where's Karen?
398
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:12,868
- I told you.
She's taking a walk.
399
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,870
Why would you ask twice?
400
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,263
Unless you wanna take a walk.
401
00:15:16,306 --> 00:15:18,918
Would you like
to take a walk, Will?
402
00:15:18,961 --> 00:15:21,921
- I--I already got
my steps in today.
403
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,313
- Plus, he's already
too skinny.
404
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:24,619
- Yeah.
405
00:15:24,662 --> 00:15:26,142
- A lot of his sweaters
are women's medium.
406
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:28,188
- What is the matter with you?
407
00:15:28,231 --> 00:15:29,537
- How about you, Grace?
408
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,755
I'll take you out
409
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,670
in a canoe
on the lake.
410
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:36,283
- Oh, um, I'm not really
a fan of the canoe.
411
00:15:36,326 --> 00:15:37,414
Or water.
412
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:39,982
At the gym,
I drink Diet Dr. Pepper.
413
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,505
- Oh, is that right?
414
00:15:41,549 --> 00:15:43,507
- [sobs]
Okay, regular Dr. Pepper.
415
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:46,336
- And she doesn't go
to the gym.
416
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:48,643
- [whimpering]
I don't.
417
00:15:48,686 --> 00:15:51,602
- Grace, come on.
A little fun won't kill you.
418
00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:53,604
- Yeah?
419
00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:55,998
And neither will you!
420
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,826
Damn it.
Anything but the broom.
421
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,393
- What are you doing?
422
00:15:59,436 --> 00:16:01,395
- We know that you're lying,
Phil!
423
00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:04,746
About being a doctor, about the
credit cards in your wallet--
424
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,139
Nora Nessbaum!
425
00:16:06,182 --> 00:16:07,967
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where's Karen?
426
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:08,968
And you tell us the truth,
427
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,795
or we will do...
428
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:12,232
something that
we have planned out
429
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,625
and practiced a lot of times!
430
00:16:14,669 --> 00:16:16,236
- Whoo.
431
00:16:16,279 --> 00:16:19,587
I had to track Mopsy and Flopsy
for 45 minutes...
432
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,417
But we're eatin' meat.
433
00:16:23,460 --> 00:16:25,419
Will, what are you doing here?
434
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:27,987
And did you ride here
on that zebra?
435
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:32,469
[upbeat piano music]
436
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:34,515
.
437
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:36,212
[downbeat piano music]
438
00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:37,648
- I thought
I'd made myself clear.
439
00:16:37,692 --> 00:16:40,564
You support me
or you stay out of my life.
440
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,697
But you couldn't do either one,
could you?
441
00:16:42,740 --> 00:16:45,047
- Karen, Phil is not the man
that you think he is.
442
00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:46,831
He is a con man.
443
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:50,879
- If this is about
the licorice, he apologized.
444
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:54,143
- I called the
state medical licensing board.
445
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:55,492
There is no record of him.
446
00:16:55,536 --> 00:16:57,277
- That's because
I changed my name.
447
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,322
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
448
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,194
I was born
Phillip Johnsonawitz.
449
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,586
You see,
450
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:06,416
the medical profession has
been unwelcoming to Jews.
451
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:08,070
- That's not true at all!
452
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,767
- Karen, you're friends
with this putz?
453
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:12,161
- See?
He speaks Yiddish.
454
00:17:13,641 --> 00:17:15,164
- So you are licensed?
455
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:17,253
- Look, if you want me to
show you all my credentials,
456
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:18,733
explain those credit cards--
457
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,214
Nora Nessbaum, by the way,
is my neighbor,
458
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:24,130
and she gave me her card
so I can buy her groceries.
459
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:27,176
If you wanna see all that,
I'll happily show you.
460
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:31,354
- You don't have to show
anything to anyone, darling.
461
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:32,921
[sighs]
You know what?
462
00:17:32,964 --> 00:17:34,879
I think I just wanna go home.
- Hmm.
463
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,229
- Would you put our bags
in the car?
464
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:38,274
I need a minute alone
with these two.
465
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:40,015
- Of course.
466
00:17:42,148 --> 00:17:45,107
Just don't invite them
on a walk or a canoe ride.
467
00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:47,022
They'll be total dicks
about it.
468
00:17:49,851 --> 00:17:51,853
- Please, understand--
- Karen, we really just wa--
469
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,116
- No, no, no, no, no.
20 years of friendship
470
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,815
and you still can't trust me
to make my own decisions.
471
00:17:57,859 --> 00:18:01,515
I mean, the idea
that I wouldn't know
472
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:03,430
when something is real?
473
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:06,955
[engine starts, tires squeal]
474
00:18:06,998 --> 00:18:09,262
[car speeds off]
475
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:12,265
- That was Phil.
476
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:13,744
- He's probably turning
the car around
477
00:18:13,788 --> 00:18:15,616
to get a little closer.
478
00:18:15,659 --> 00:18:17,531
- I don't think so.
479
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:22,536
- Maybe he's doing doughnuts
to impress the local teens.
480
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:29,108
[sighs]
481
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,935
He left me?
482
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:33,721
Just like that?
483
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:35,201
- Karen, we're so sorry.
484
00:18:35,244 --> 00:18:37,725
- I knew he wasn't a doctor.
485
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:38,856
On his diploma,
486
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:40,641
"MD" was spelled wrong.
487
00:18:42,599 --> 00:18:44,340
- Well, if you knew that,
why would--
488
00:18:44,384 --> 00:18:46,037
- What do you want me to say?
489
00:18:46,081 --> 00:18:47,822
Somebody comes along
and tells you
490
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:49,693
that you're
the sun and the moon.
491
00:18:49,737 --> 00:18:52,653
You want so badly
to believe them.
492
00:18:52,696 --> 00:18:55,003
Plus, he destroyed in the sack.
493
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:59,355
I mean, really destroyed.
494
00:18:59,399 --> 00:19:03,751
Like, call your next of kin
to identify the remains.
495
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:10,061
So yeah, I guess I closed
my eyes to a few things.
496
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:13,587
- Everybody's a little blind
when it comes to love.
497
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:18,287
- I guess at the end of the
day, we're just three lonely--
498
00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:20,550
- Up, up, up, up, up.
499
00:19:20,594 --> 00:19:22,813
I'm already devastated, Grace.
500
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,207
Hearing you say
that I'm like the two of you
501
00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:27,775
is a little more
than I can take right now.
502
00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:32,171
But, uh...
503
00:19:32,214 --> 00:19:35,565
thanks for being there for me,
kids.
504
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:36,740
It means a lot.
505
00:19:36,784 --> 00:19:38,655
- We'll always have your back.
506
00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:42,181
Now that we know you're safe...
507
00:19:43,269 --> 00:19:45,619
- Go, get your stew.
- Thank God.
508
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:51,929
- We still have to deal with
the fact that you married him.
509
00:19:51,973 --> 00:19:55,106
- Mm, Anastasia Beaverhausen
married him.
510
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,199
We signed a piece of bark
511
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:03,593
in the presence of a badger
we made into a stew.
512
00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:04,725
I think we're good.
513
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,988
- Wait, this is badger?
514
00:20:09,164 --> 00:20:10,165
It's really good.
515
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,387
- Thank you all
for coming tonight,
516
00:20:14,430 --> 00:20:18,173
and thank you to Dexter Murphy
of "The New York Gayzette"
517
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,610
for his fantastic
follow-up article,
518
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:25,311
"Redemption of a Liar," colon,
"Jack McFarland's Second Act."
519
00:20:26,703 --> 00:20:30,098
Miss Coco told me what I needed
to do to make this place mine,
520
00:20:30,141 --> 00:20:33,101
and I thought about all
the good times I've had here
521
00:20:33,144 --> 00:20:34,929
and all the great friends
I've made,
522
00:20:34,972 --> 00:20:37,888
and I realized
this bar isn't about me.
523
00:20:37,932 --> 00:20:39,586
It's not even about Coco.
524
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:41,196
It's about all of us
525
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,199
and what it means for us
to have a place like this.
526
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,680
So everybody,
527
00:20:46,723 --> 00:20:48,116
welcome to...
528
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:49,683
"Queers"!
529
00:20:50,597 --> 00:20:54,775
[cheers and applause]
530
00:20:57,995 --> 00:21:00,215
"Where everybody knows
you're gay!"
531
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:04,219
- "And they're always
glad you came."
532
00:21:07,788 --> 00:21:09,180
- Isn't it great?
533
00:21:09,224 --> 00:21:10,356
- I don't get it.
534
00:21:10,399 --> 00:21:13,272
[silly piano music]
37955
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