Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[FROG CROAKS]

[SPACESHIP BUZZES]

PORKY: [STAMMERS] When I recall my most remarkable exploits

in the streets of London... [STAMMERS] When autumn days springs to my mind,

things have been slow at [STUTTERS] Baker Street

for my good friend, the great detective,

[STAMMERING] Dorlock Holmes.

There hadn't been any mysteries to solve as of late.

And Holmes had resorted to other activities

to ease his troubled mind.

Like crossword puzzles,

origami,

and endless chess matches, against himself.

Checkmate! Checkmate!

[GRUNTS]

PORKY: Holmes, you need to relax.

The mind of Dorlock Holmes cannot relax.

Constantly whirling with all manner of deductions,

both great and small.

And right now, it needs to deduce

how to finish this Wuthering Heightsfan fiction.

In mine, Heathcliff's a cyborg.

PORKY: I had just about given up on him,

when there was a... a knock at the door.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

MAILMAN: Telegram for Dorlock Holmes.

DAFFY: Hmm.

"To the great detective, Dorlock Holmes.

"Someone has stolen my Tweety bird, can you help me?

"Sincerely, Granny."

Pack, Mr. Watkins.

We've got ourselves a case.

First stop, the scene of the crime.

Come on, Watkins. The game is afoot.

PORKY: We arrived at the scene of the crime,

where we were greeted by the grieving owner of the missing bird.

Oh, thank goodness you're... here.

All right, spill the beans.

Come on, now. What happened?

Where is the body? Out with it.

Well, at one moment, the house was filled with delightful singing,

and the next, there was silence.

Ahahah, all right, sister. Drop the act.

Where were you on the night of the abduction?

Er, I was... I was here, sitting in my chair, going my knitting.

So you admit you were knitting, eh?

Er, yes.

And is this a picture of the victim on this sweater?

Why, yes, I knitted myself.

So you admit that

you made this gaudy holiday sweater?

Watkins, arrest this woman.

Use force if necessary.

Or even if it's not necessary.

Bad fashion sense is not a crime, Holmes.

DAFFY: Well, it should be.

And what, pray tell, is this?

Oh, that's a neck tie.

It belonged to my late husband.

Oh. What time you expecting him?

GRANNY: You're kidding, right?

Let's cut to the chase.

You're actually a man disguised as a sweet old woman

to throw us off the scent.

-Take off the wig and confess, you Granny impostor. -GRANNY: No! [MOANING IN PAIN]

GRANNY: Oh, no! No! DAFFY : [GRUNTING] Confess!

Hmm... This is apparently real hair.

I, uh, guess you're a real Granny after all.

Mr. Holmes,

can you please just find my bird?

-Look at this! -What is it?

This carpet is filthy.

I'm no detective, but, uh,

maybe your bird ran away because your house is so dirty?

You keep a filthy house.

Well, I never!

Fear not, madam,

for I know exactly what happened to your bird.

Watkins and I will recreate... the crime.

-We will? -I'll play the bird-napper.

And Watkins will play your bird.

And to the cage with you, Watkins.

The game is afoot.

Now, it's embarrassingly obvious that the bird-napper

approached this window from the outside.

Made a visual on the bird.

And entered your domicile, here.

Judging by the size of the window

and the proximity to the ground,

I can tell you that the bird-napper was exactly my size.

[STUTTERS] Dorlock's size.

Once inside, he busted into the cage.

Reached in and snatched the bird like this!

PORKY: Ow. Ow. Ah.

The perpetrator must've had my exact same upper body strength,

in order to pull the bird free, like so.

-[PORKY GRUNTING] -DAFFY: You see?

And judging by--

Watkins, are you getting this down?

[STUTTERS] Dorlock's upper body strength.

DAFFY: As I was saying,

judging by the imprints on this carpet,

it seems the bird-napper wrestled your bird to the ground.

-[PORKY MUMBLES] -Flying elbow drop.

-[CRASHING] -Heavens!

One, two, three. You're kidnapped.

You deduce that?

Well, I spice it up a little. But, uh, yeah.

Watkins, the game is afoot.

What's this?

Feathers? Wait a second.

I know what's going on here.

Your bird wasn't kidnapped.

He faked his own death to collect a life insurance money.

I've seen it a million times.

Tried it a few times, myself.

No... I can assure you,

your bird's not missing.

He's hiding in this...

-vase! -[VASE SHATTERS]

I mean, he's under this...

-rug! -[GRANNY YELPS]

Inside this wardrobe!

He's here. I know he's here.

Where is he? Hi-yah!

Well, it appears the bird is not on the premises.

Watkins, put the damages on my bill.

And then throw the bill away.

My dear Holmes, the suspect appears to be your height,

with your upper body strength and feathers.

If I may be so... [STAMMERS]

If I may say so, the culprit seems to be--

Me? Are you gonna say, "me"?

'Cause you're right! It was me!

But, Holmes, [STAMMERS] why would you do it?

Because I was bored, that's why.

I didn't have a case to solve, so I created one.

That's right. I stole your bird, lady.

And he's right here. Go ahead, bird.

Tell 'em, "You thought you saw a pussy cat,

"but it was a duck the whole time!"

Do I really sound like that?

Not at all, deary.

Mystery solved.

Case closed.

Class dismissed.

[DAFFY WHOOPING]

How do you think this will affect his career?

[STAMMERS] Detrimentally, my dear Tweety.

[STAMMERS] Detrimentally.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, grandchildren.

How about a nice big hug for your Grandpa Leslie?

They only cost $5.

Sorry, Grandpa Leslie.

We don't have time to hang out.

We have to pack for the super-fancy,

super-expensive ocean cruise we're going on.

I want to go on a super-fancy, super-expensive ocean cruise.

We do have an extra bed in our cabin.

That's why we invited our other grandpa.

Other grandpa is the best.

PAMPREEN: Yeah. He's our number one grandpa.

That's why we got him this shirt.

Number one Grandpa!

-Number one Grandpa! -Yeah!

[SOBBING]

It's not fair.

I want to be number one Grandpa.

Ah, buck up, pal.

It's nice that you want to be number one.

But I'm sure those kids still love you.

I don't want their love.

I want to be on that cruise ship,

swimming in giant pools

and eating lavish buffets.

Sheesh. I can't believe you're not their favorite.

I know, right?

Oh, if only I could get those brats to love me.

Well, you're in luck,

because I know just the thing to help you out.

-Oh, really? -Oh, yeah.

Just listen to me and you'll be on that cruise in no time.

Anchors aweigh!

Don't. Just don't.

Now, if you want to be number one Grandpa,

you need to show your grandkids how cool you are.

I don't know how to be cool.

That's why I'm here.

-[GASPS] -Hey, kids!

Who's that totally radical guy at the top of the half-pipe?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[LESLIE GULPS]

Extreme!

[LOUD CRASHING]

[LESLIE GROANING]

LESLIE: Ow!

BUGS: Don't worry, doc.

I taped your shoes to the board.

No way you'll fall off now.

[GASPS] Wait, rabbit. I have some concerns.

Hey, kids! Who's that shredding machine?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Extreme!

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

This baby's guaranteed to keep you from falling off the board

on your next trip down the ramp.

But I don't want to go--

[LESLIE SCREAMS]

Oh, I did it.

And now I'm going to be number one grand--

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

Extreme!

You know what, rabbit?

I think I'm going to try to become

number one Grandpa without your help.

Thank you very much.

Look, Leslie,

all you really have to do is care about their interests.

-And spend time with them. -Never!

Ooh! I know what I'll do.

I'll trick those kids into thinking

I care about their interests.

And pretend to want to spend time with them. He-he-he.

Hey, there, Paul!

I got the old hogskin.

And let's play catch.

I don't wanna.

Oh, come on, Paul.

Throw it here.

Come on, now.

Okay, go long.

Well, let's just try this and see--

-Longer! -LESLIE: Fine!

[MUTTERING] All right, champ!

Let's see that golden arm.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

-[PAUL GRUNTS] -[BALL THUDS]

[HOVERBOARD WHIRS]

[PAUL GRUNTS]

-Nice throw. Heh. -Thanks.

Now I'll go long.

[SIGHS] Okay, that's far enough, Paul.

Okay, huck it.

Oh, all right. [GRUNTS]

-[BONES CRACK] -[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

Oh, my arm!

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...

PAUL: Nice throw.

Oh. Hello, granddaughter--

-Ow! -[THUD]

Okay, rabbit.

Perhaps I need your help after all.

If you want to be the number one Grandpa,

you need to be someone they can look up to.

You need to be...

[WHISPERS] a superhero.

Yeah, are you sure about this, rabbit?

I'll use this crane

to make you fly around like a real superhero.

The kids will go crazy for you.

[LESLIE YELPS]

LESLIE: Ow!

Uh, behold!

It is I, Supergrandpa--

[LESLIE SCREAMING AND GROANING]

Perhaps I should've read the manual.

LESLIE: Please stop...

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

[CHILDREN CHEERING]

That was awesome, Grandpa Leslie!

And to show our appreciation,

we got you something.

-Yes! -PAMPREEN: Tada!

Wha... What is this?

"World's best Grandpa"?

I don't want this.

I want to be number one Grandpa.

So I can get on that fancy cruise.

-[BONES CRACK] -[SCREAMS IN PAIN]

My arm! Mommy, Mommy.

Actually, we put the cruise ticket in the card.

But you threw it away, so now you're not going!

-[BONES CRUNCH] -[LESLIE CRIES IN PAIN]

Out of my way, rabbit.

I gotta catch that paper plane.

Supergrandpa-- [YELPING]

[SCREAMING]

[CRACKLING CONTINUES]

He's looking a little fried.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]