Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, okay, just a few more jokes before I best be heading out.

"Beheading"? I'm not talking to you, pal.

This guy takes his job super seriously.

You mess with him, heads will roll.

-[YELPS] -Delight, ye folk, one and all!

It is I, Sir Littlechin, triumphantly returning from another epic contest,

-after 12 fortnights. -"Fortnights"? English, please!

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Ooh, a fortnight is two weeks.

"Two weeks"! My goodness.

What's twelve times four, plus the square root of Pi, that's...

That's almost six months! Took you long enough.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Ahem! Do you mind?

Please. Regale us about this epic contest.

Well! There I was, at the mouth of the cave...

Cut to the chase! Were you successful?

[GROANS] If you weren't such a fool, you'd know

-I am always successful in any contest. -Any contest?

What about Miss Idaho, 2016?

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Enough! Dirk and I don't find you amusing.

"Dirk"? Who's Dirk?

My sword.

You named your sword?

Yes. Dirk is my best friend, he's always at my side. [SMOOCHING]

[LAUGHING] Okay. You think that's weird?

When you ask him about his horse, he says "It's complicated."

[CROWD LAUGHING]

So let me guess, these must be the twins, Maxwell and Tybalt.

And Aunt Rose. I haven't see you since the gauntlet run. [KISSES]

-[CROWD LAUGHING] -[SIR LITTLECHIN GROWLING]

Well that's my time, you've all been a wonderful crowd.

I'll be back for my second set in one one-hundredths of a fortnight.

-Uh-huh, right. Uh-huh. No way! -[INDISTINCT TALKING ON PHONE]

Of course! I was killing 'em out there, Jackie, killing 'em! Phew.

Okay, you got it Jackie, talk to you soon.

Can I help you, buster?

You mocked me, jester!

I am the greatest swordsman in all the land, and I will not be mocked!

Don't you mean, you and Dirk will not be mocked?

[GROANS]

That's it! I challenge you to a...

Hey, wait a minute!

-A duel? -Yes, but you didn't let me finish.

Oh, by all means, continue.

Thank you. As I was saying, I challenge you to a...

A duel?

-Stop that! -Stop what?

You're hitting me just before I say the word...

-A duel? -[GROANS]

Let me explain how this works. In order to challenge you to a... [GASPS]

[STAMMERING] To a, uh...

...a confrontation...

I need to take off my glove and slap you in the face.

-Like this? -[YELPS]

I challenge you to...

-A duel! -Ah! Oh! Ugh! Argh!

-Like that? -Yes. Exactly. Now give me that glove...

[SCREAMS] Come on, that time I didn't even say...

-[GRUNTS] -A duel?

Look! If you won't hand me the glove, how can I challenge you to a...

To a... [GROANS]

Say it.

To a duel.

Listen bub, you don't need a glove to challenge me,

you can use a bass!

-How about a barbecue? -[GROANS]

-Or a bazooka? -[SCREAMS]

So, you wanna duel?

Dirk and I accept.

[GROANS] Tonight we dine on duck.

Tally-ho!

Hold it right there. Wouldst thou allow me a moment, good knight,

to don the satisfactory regalia?

Of course, of course, your armor.

'Tis a knight's code to never engage the enemy when they are ill-prepared.

'-Just let me know when you're ready. -[CLOTHES RUSTLING]

Okay. How do I look?

[CHUCKLING] Why, you look splendid.

Well, off to my knight shift.

[EXCLAIMS] Ah! He gave me the slip.

[GIGGLING]

En garde!

[GIGGLING]

[GRUNTING]

Our world-famous chopped salad.

Hope you like fast food! [GIGGLING]

[GAGGING]

[GRUNTS]

[GIGGLING]

[YELLS]

[SCREAMING]

What what what? That's my horse!

-[NEIGHS] -Horse thief. Give it to me.

Oh, I'm gonna give it to him all right.

All you had to do was ask.

At last, we finish this duel on my own turf.

Squires! Bring me my...

You leave me no choice but to...

[GASPS] My Dirk!

[MOANING] Yet another triumphant contest.

-[CRASHES] -[THUDS]

Sometimes Mommy makes me cinnamon toast before night-night.

[GROANS]

[CROWD LAUGHING]

Don't quit your knight job.

Dirk, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Well, well, well,

it all comes down to this final shot.

This one's for all the nuts.

I guess you could call it, "all or nuttin'"!

[EXCLAIMS]

Aww, too bad.

[GROANS]

[LAUGHING]

Better luck next time. I'll beat you again, if you want.

But you're all out of nuts, so why bother?

[LAUGHING]

BUGS: Hey.

Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

If you wanna play, you gotta have something to play for.

-How about this? -That ain't no good here.

I'm talking nuts, lots of nuts.

-[GRUNTS] -Is that enough?

Yeah. That'll do.

All right, Squeaks, rack 'em up.

Brought you own pool cue, huh?

Of course. I never leave home without it.

Oops. [CHUCKLES] Wrong pool. Here we go.

[CHIRPS]

That's better.

-Don't... Miss! -[YELPS]

Huh? Oi...

[LAUGHING]

What the... What?

[POOL BALLS KNOCKING]

Oops, they all went in at the beginning, is that okay?

You hustled me! You ain't leaving till I beat you.

And I'm breaking this time.

-Now watch this. -Call your shot.

You don't call your shot on a break!

Maybe not for a novice like you, but for us professionals...

Hey, I am a professional! One in the corner pocket.

-Oh, so close. Now it's my turn. -[GROWLING]

Eleven-ball in the corner pocket.

Thirteen in the side.

Wait a minute. That ball didn't go in the side pocket.

I didn't specify which one. Check your side pocket.

What the? Okay...

-This time you play me blindfolded. -If you insist.

Ah, ah, ah, no peeking.

No, I'm not supposed to wear the blindfold. You are!

No way! That's impossible. How could I see?

-[SQUARE DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] -Now, nine bows to the ten and swings to the corner.

Thirteen and twelve, do-si-do to the side.

Fourteen and eight, promenade to the corner.

And skip to the lou my darling!

All right, no more messing around. Best outta three.

-But I beat you twice already. -I meant best outta five!

And this time, I choose the cues.

This one's mine, and this one's yours.

This cue is as crooked as he is.

-[LAUGHING] -[WHIMPERING]

[MOCK LAUGHING]

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

-Ooh, this cane's got some sugar. -Gimme that thing.

All right. I'm gonna show him how it's... Ow!

Wow, doc, that last sure was a knockout!

-Lemme give you another cue, the cue to leave. -[GRUNTING]

All right, I've had it! One final game. Winner takes all the nuts.

So, lemme get this straight, winner wins?

-Yes, winner wins. -For all the nuts?

Winner wins all the nuts.

-All of them? -Yes!

-For all the nuts? -Yes!

Your loss, pal.

I'm gonna have to pull out all the stops, if I'm gonna beat this rabbit.

-[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING] -[SNAPS FINGERS]

[LOUD DRUMMING]

[REVVING]

[AIR HORN BLOWING]

Hmm. This is gonna be tricky.

-[SQUEAKS] -That shot's impossible!

The nine-ball's gotta go in before the eight-ball, or you lose!

Then I guess I better make this shot count.

-Ha ha! You missed! -Did I?

Huh?

-And eight-ball in the corner pocket. -[SQUEAKS TRIUMPHANTLY]

I will not be made a fool of in my own pool hall!

-Enough. -BYSTANDERS: [MURMURING] Oh! It's Rats.

Holy smokes, is it really him? Minnesota Rats, the greatest pool player who ever lived?

I've been watching these events unfold, and frankly, I'm disappointed.

You don't play fair, and that ain't right. Ramses, show him the door.

-[CRASHES] -SHIFTY: Ow!

-Now open it for him. -[DOOR OPENS]

-[SHIFTY YELLING] -[CRASHES]

Hey there, you're pretty good. Care to join me for a game at my reserve table?

Thanks, but no thanks. I know when I'm out of my league.

I'm gonna play in a real pool. Come on, Squeaks.

[SQUEAKS HUMMING]