Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Thank you, Professor Thompson.

Actually, I'm not a professor, Karen.

I'm just a teaching assistant.

Well, the way you dress, you should be a professor.

I mean, you obviously have your Ph.D. in fashion.

Well, thank you.

And from now on, why don't you just..

...call me Jace?

Jace. Cool.

Can we please get on with this?

I have an appointment with the rest of my life.

So, what did Jace give you on your poem?

An A.

[scoffs] I can't believe he gave you an A

and me a B.

Well, I wrote a good poem

and I guess he found it very moving.

Really?

"The mall is where I spend my day

"from pretzel stand to lingerie.

"Shoes and purses, the choice is hard.

"Oh, heck, put them all

on my credit card."

Yeah, yeah, this is moving, alright

like bran.

Let me see what you wrote.

"Darkness.

"Anguish.

"My sorrow is a moat

"that has no bridge.

"Abandoned on an island of cold pain.

The agony of life."

Dana, this poem is like watching your puppy get run over.

At least, my poem was fun.

Karen, I hate to break it to you

but the only reason you got an A

is because Thompson wants you.

Get out.

You're just jealous because my poem rhymed

and yours didn't.

Karen, the guy does everything but howl when you walk by.

I mean, o-on the way out, I practically had

to step over his tongue.

Look, if-if you're accusing me of being irresistible to men..

[sighs]

...then I have to plead guilty as charged.

It is a burden that only I

and a small handful of supermodels understand.

[sighs] See?

[theme music]

♪ Step by step ♪

♪ Day by day ♪♪ Day by day ♪

♪ A fresh start over ♪

♪ A different hand to play ♪

♪ The deeper we fall ♪

♪ The stronger we stay ♪

♪ We'll make it better ♪

♪ The second time around ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, Frank, we've gotta stop making so many phone calls.

Oh, geez. Look at this. Okay.

Who made a $28 phone call to New Zealand?

New Zealand?

Sorry, dad, that was me.

I was trying to get a hold of that big babe

who plays "Xena, The Warrior Princess."

Yeah, well, you better cough up 28 bucks

or you're gonna have to deal with Carol, the warrior Lambert.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Amanda Dank. What are you doing here?

Well, I ain't selling girl scout cookies.

Can I come in? I'm freezing my buns off out here.

Wow. A mother and a father?

Don't see too much of that anymore.

Um, everybody, this is Amanda Dank.

I go to school with her.

Not this week, Lambert. Suspended.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm, uh, Carol Lambert. What brings you by?

I'm here to peep my squeeze.

Peep your squeeze?

[chuckles]

Isn't that, uh, something you should only let

your dermatologist do?

[laughing]

I'm here to pick up Mark.

Mark?

We're, like, dating.

Oh. I think there's some mistake.

Our Mark is a quiet, conservative boy.

Yo, yo, yo! Mark Foster's in the house.

Yo, yo, yo! There's a nerd in the hood.

Hey, sugar mamma, you look sassed.

Throw it back at you, home slice.

What the hell are they sayin'?

I see you guys met Amanda.

Uh, yes, Mark.

We met su-su-sugar mamma.

I don't know if I've mentioned this or not

but Amanda and I are kinda been hangin'

for the last couple of days.

Oh, so you're the peep she's been squeezin'.

Mark, did you pierce your ear?

Uh, mom, don't worry about it.

It's, it's a clip on.

[grunts]

Come on. Let's go ciao.

You got it, babe.

- Later. - Later.

Oh, I don't like her.

She is much too wild for Mark.

The cafeteria lady is much too wild for Mark.

Did-did-did you see her face? She gives me the creeps.

She looked like she just fell head first in a tackle box.

Well, that's it. I'm gonna go out there.

- I'm gonna go drag him back. - No, no. Why, Carol?

No, no. Honey, you can't do that.

- He hadn't done anything wrong. - Oh, really?

Well, he's wearing my earring

and he's dressed up like

that Snoopy Dog, dog guy.

M-Mark's a good kid, honey. Yeah, he is responsible.

We have to trust him to do the right thing.

[instrumental music]

[keys clanking]

Oh, Frank. Any sign of Mark?

No, and I looked everywhere.

There's nobody out on the street except that big, fat guy

who thinks he's Marlon Brando.

I never should've listened to you.

"Oh, Mark is a good kid."

"He's responsible. We can trust him."

What a sock full of manure that was.

- Carol, just try and relax. - Relax? I can't, Frank.

I can't, while he's out there with Patty Pin-cushion.

[door opens]

Oh, Mark. Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, my baby. Oh.

Where the hell have you been?

Hangin', chillin', maxin'.

"Hangin', chillin', maxin'?"

Y-you wanna let us have that in English, please?

Amanda and I went out to eat and then we stopped

at a couple of coffee houses.

No biggie.

"No biggie?"

You are hours past your curfew.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Guys, time is such a lame concept.

Lame? Well, let me give you a time concept

you can understand!

You are grounded for the next two weeks!

And all the chillin' and hangin' you'll be doin'

will be done in your room.

[scoffs] Oh, man.

Major Buzzkill.

Yeah, well, if I knew what that meant

you'll be grounded for another two weeks!

[instrumental music]

"Whirling, turning

"swirling into nothingness.

'"Unrequited love'

'"like some stale, pathetic'

'"retched wind'

"blows over the husk

"of my forlorn

empty soul."

That was very interesting, Dana.

Uh, are you on some kinda medication?

No.

Maybe you should be.

Uh, Karen, let's hear your latest one.

You've always got something thought provoking.

[clears throat]

This is called "Tears"

by me, Karen Foster.

"Lipstick colors, red and pink.

"I dropped mascara in the sink.

"It splashes back right in my eye

"and makes me really want to cry.

"But I don't cry, or turn to mush

'cause I still have to put on blush."

[applauding]

[Jace] 'Excellent. Excellent, Karen.'

You always manage to capture

the turmoil of youth and...femininity.

This guy should come with his own shovel.

Well, that's all we have time for today.

I've graded your last poems

so pick 'em up on your way out.

[indistinct chattering]

Uh, Karen. Could I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, no problem. My next class is lunch.

You know, I really enjoy having you here.

You're a terrific person

and very talented.

Another A?

Oh, wow, this is great.

Thank you so much.

You know, we could celebrate

by having dinner tonight.

I don't think so.

If we go out together

then that would kinda be like a date.

And I'm uncomfortable with that.

Are you sure?

I-I guarantee you'll have a good time.

I'm sure.

But thanks, anyway.

Well, I-I think you're making a big mistake.

Why?

[Jace] That's why.

[gasps]

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[thudding]

[panting]

Darn it all to heck!

[grunts]

"Darn it all to heck?"

Excuse my French, but I am really steamed.

That creep Mr. Thompson

gave me a D on my last poem.

Really? Which one was that?

Was it your, uh, "Ode to Nail Polish?"

No. My sonnet on "Sweaters."

Oh, yes. "Sweaters of cashmere. Sweaters of wool.

I'm not happy till my sweater drawer's full."

A D, huh? Huh!

Guess there is some justice in the world after all.

Oh, it's not about justice.

You wanna know why he gave me a D?

Because your poetry sucks like a shot back?

No.

Because he asked me out on a date

and I told him I wasn't interested.

[gasps] I knew it.

I knewthat lowlife was gonna make a move.

It's not fair.

You're damn right, it's not fair.

The only reason he was giving you A's

was because he thinks you're beautiful.

Well, actually, I-I was okay with that.

Yeah, I know you were, but that doesn't make it

right for him to hit on you. I mean, he is a teacher.

And sexual harassment is against the law.

Not to mention, my law.

Don't mess with my sister.

Then what are we gonna do?

[sighs]

We're gonna nail Professor Horndog.

Alright. You got a plan?

- I'm working on it. - Great.

What should I wear?

[instrumental music]

[knocking on window]

Mark.

Psst.

[knocking on window]

Amanda?

It's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?

Cleaning your gutters. What do you think I'm doing?

Just get out of my way.

Hey, listen, man, there's a secret all night rave

at a meat-packing plant in Milwaukee.

Really? So you, like, dance..

...near meat.

I-is that safe?

All I know is it's totally cool.

Loud bands, lights, the works.

Come on, let's hit it.

Who, me? Oh, no, no, no. Forget it.

That's out of the question. I'm grounded.

I couldn't possibly go..

Okay. I'll go.

Excellent. You drive.

Drive? I can't drive.

Number one, I have terrible night vision.

I get car sick, and I don't even have a driver's license. I..

Okay, I'll drive.

Cool. Let's grab the truck in the driveway.

Oh, no, no, no. That's a big no.

That-that's Frank's truck. He'll..

He'll kill me if I take that..

Well, no one lives forever.

- I'll be right back. - Where are you goin'?

To take out my retainer.

I don't want to get caught on that lip ring.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, my God. It's the police. - The police?

- Hey, Frank, Carol. - Yeah.

Sorry to bother you so late, I, um..

...brought a little somethin' home.

- 'Mark!' - 'Mark?'

You're supposed to be up in your room asleep.

Asleep? Oh, that's it.

I, I must've been sleepwalking.

Oh, please.

Frank, I caught him in your truck

driving down I-94 with Amanda Dank.

Sleep driving. Did I say sleep walking?

I, I meant sleep driving.

Sleep driving on a date?

So the girl wasn't a dream.

[Carol] Oh, Mark!

Alright, I'm guilty.

Thanks for bringin' him home, Wally.

We-we'll take it from here, if you don't mind.

Yeah, and trust me, we'll do things to him

the law never even thought of.

Wait, wait. Take me downtown. Book me.

Scum like me belongs in a cage.

[chuckles] Nice try, kid.

[siren wailing]

Hey, Dank! Cut that out!

- Get over here. - Ow, ow, ow..

What were you thinking?

We grounded you, and you have the nerve to steal Frank's truck

and go God-knows-where with that wild girl?

What were you planning for your next date?

Knocking over an armored car?

Honey, I think you're a little upset

to deal with this rationally. You wanna let me handle it?

Yes. That's a good idea, Frank.

I'll just stand back here and you can do all the talking.

Okay.

Um, Mark, listen.

The terrible thing about this now is that..

...you broke the law.

I mean, you could've hurt yourself, you could've hurt

Amanda, or anybody else out there on the road.

Yeah, what were you thinking, Mark?

What if you lost control of the truck, flipped over

and ended up in a ditch with that little b..

- 'Carol!' - Bad girl?

Carol, you asked me to handle this.

Well, then handle it, Frank.

[clamoring]

Mom.

- Mom! - What?

I'm really sorry, and..

...I know what I did was wrong.

Well, Mark..

...sorry just isn't good enough.

I know that, but, when it comes to Amanda

I'm...confused, I'm weak.

I'm a TV movie waiting to happen.

Mark, don't you see what happened here?

You gave away the most important thing you have to Amanda.

No, no, no. I didn't, I swear.

All we did was kiss.

I'm not talkin' about that.

I'm talkin' about control.

And once you go against your own judgment

and let someone else make decisions for you

you're in trouble.

You can't let your hormones cloud your common sense.

I know that, and..

...I'm really sorry.

You handled that very well, Frank.

Now, can I ground him?

Go for it.

You are grounded for one month.

- A month? - A month.

[sighs]

Okay. I deserve it.

Oh, by the way.

If it, uh, makes you feel any better

I've, I've decided not to go out with Amanda anymore.

Because she got you in so much trouble?

No, because she wanted me to get my nipples pierced.

- Oh. Oh! - Ow..

[instrumental music]

Now, Karen, remember.

If we wanna nail this jerk for sexual harassment

you need to keep him talking

until he says something incriminating.

Got it? And I will get it on tape.

This is so exciting.

I feel like, "Buffy, the Mean Teacher Slayer."

Karen, this is important. Okay?

- Now, focus! - Okay. Alright.

- 'Ow!' - I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

[Jace] 'Okay, Bob. I'll see you at Hooters.'

- He's coming. Okay. - Go, go.

[whistling]

- 'Hello.' - Karen, you wanted to see me?

Y-yes, I did.

Come here, come here.

I was thinking about what you said the other day.

'And, uh, I-I've got to admit.'

At first, I was a little uncomfortable with the idea

but, now that I've thought about it

'maybe you're right.'

'Maybe we should go out.'

- Oh, no. - 'I was hoping you'd say that.'

I just wanna get this straight.

If I do go out with you

my grades will go from D's

back to A's?

I think you got the picture.

Ha, you bet we've got the picture.

You're busted now

you poetry pervert.

We've got the whole sleazy come on on tape.

Right, Dana?

Yup, we got it all on tape.

Boy, are you busted!

You-you two were taping me?

That's unethical.

Hah, you have the nerve

to talk about ethics

after you try and harass me

into going out with you?

Well, at least, I know I'm the last girl

you're gonna do this to.

- Let's show him the tape, Dana. - Uh..

I don't think we need to do that.

We don't gotta sink to his level.

Yes, we do, Dana.

I wanna show him what a creep he is.

- Give me the camera. - Uh, maybe later.

I got a dental appointment. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

Come back here.

Come on, girls.

You don't have a thing on that tape, do you?

Of course, we do.

We've got every incriminating word.

Don't we?

Well, not, not every word.

What do we have?

"Hello."

The battery died before I could get anything else.

Oh, this is great.

You thought you had me.

[scoffs] Uh..

You two ditzes actually got me to admit

that I was willing to give Karen A's

if she'd go out with me.

Then you didn't get it on tape because your battery was dead?

How lame are you?

Not as lame as you.

See what I didn't mention was that I changed the battery

while I was in the cabinet.

So, we two "ditzes"

didn't get your first confession on tape.

But we just got every word

of the last one in close up.

Hey, you wanna see it, before we show it to the dean

and the board of the university, Jace?

Okay.

Fine.

- So, you got me. - 'Um-hm.'

But there is something I wanna say before I go.

Your poetry stinks.

Oh, yeah?

Well, try this one on for size.

"Being a teacher, you should be trusted.

"Then toward your student, you actually lusted.

"So because you're a sleaze ball

you just got busted."

I just made that up.

[both chuckles]

[sighs] You know, Karen.

[sighs] Your poetry is really starting to grow on me.

[instrumental music]

Now watch carefully.

The dean went crazy when he saw this part.

[Dana on TV] 'Not as lame as you.'

'See, what I didn't mention was that I changed the battery'

'while I was in the cabinet.'

'So, we two "ditzes" didn't get'

'your first confession on tape'

'but we just got every word'

'of the last one in close up.'

'You wanna see it, before we show it to the dean'

'and the board of the university, Jace?'

Ooh..

Hey, congratulations, girls.

You really nailed that guy.

- Yeah, way to go. - 'Oh, isn't it great?'

- What in the world is that? - 'Argh!'

'I've heard tales about mermaids..'

It's some weirdo dressed up like a pirate.

It's not just any weirdo, it's Frank.

And if I'm not mistaken

that's the lovely Mrs. L dressed as a mermaid.

Whoa. Oh, no, no, no.

[theme music]