Original subtitles

Good morning.

Well, ladies and gentleman, the future star of

"Death On The Boulevard", Miss Al Lambert!

Yay!

[Al] Okay, hang on.

I haven't even auditioned yet.

Al, the audition is just a formality.

You can act, you can sing, you've done a Hollywood movie.

You're a shoo-in.

Besides, it's not like you have a lot of competition.

Yeah, I mean, the only other good actress

in town is Susie Maimon, and she's got that lazy eye

that looks up at the ceiling when she walks.

Alright. Okay, so..

I have some experience

maybe a little talent.

But I still have that audition against..

[scoffs] Who am I kidding? The part's mine.

Yes.. Hm.

[theme song]

? Step By Step ?

? Day by day ?? Day by day ?

? A fresh start over ?

? A different hand to play ?

? The deeper we fall ?

? The stronger we stay ?

? We'll make it better ?

? The second time around ??

[theme music]

[instrumental music]

Well, Your Honor, I really respect your work

and I know that I would learn a lot being your intern.

As a matter of fact.. Just s-stop it you fool.

No, no, no, I-I wasn't talkin' to you, Your Honor.

So I'll hear back from you on Thursday, right?

Okay, great. I'm looking forward to it. Thank you.

Oh, God. Oh, God! I hope I get this.

An entire summer in a courtroom

going over legal briefs.

Well, you know, honey, if you, uh, if you need some practice

you can, uh, go over my briefs.

I'll go over your briefs, pal, with my truck.

- Good news, everybody. - 'Hey!'

Our little Lilly took her first achievement test

and she scored in the top one percent

of all first graders in the country.

Alright. Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

- Is that good, daddy? - That is great.

Daddy is so proud of you. I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go in the kitchen and get yourself

a big bowl of ice cream.

Goodie.

[Frank sighs]

- Ice cream? Goodie? - Yeah.

Mom, Frank, you're missing the big picture here.

I mean, you have a six-year-old child

who is already smarter than the both of you.

Please, put Lilly in my hands.

I mean, I can see her future now.

First Harvard, then Yale, then winning the Nobel Prize

and dedicating it all to me, her teacher

her mentor, the wind beneath her wings.

Time out, Dana, come on.

We don't wanna put that kind of pressure on Lilly.

We want her to have a normal childhood

so she can grow up to be a well-adjusted and happy adult.

Yeah. Like me.

All I'm saying is, Lilly has a gift.

She has the potential to change the world.

I mean, but without the proper nurturing

she could end up like me.

Brilliant, but stuck at some local college

where the mascot is a dancing wedge of cheese.

[chuckles] I love Charlie Cheddar.

- The dancing. - Whoo! Whoo!

Dana, I know your intentions are good

in your neurotic, obsessed, master race kinda way.

But may I point out that we are her parents, you are not.

If you wanna screw up a kid, have one of your own.

And, uh, that is something I'd be very happy to help you with.

Easy, Romeo, I still got my truck.

[instrumental music]

? Am I blue? ?

? Am I blue? ?

? Ain't these tears in these eyes ?

? Tellin' you.. ?

Yeah! Okay. Now, there it is.

You see, this rotates out like that.

Here's your secret passage way

and that's where the murderer escapes, huh?

Um, Frank, as the assistant director

I must tell you, this, this isn't exactly

what I had envisioned.

You gotta try and get inside my head.

No problem.

[drill whirring]

? ... telling you ?

? Was I gay ?

? Till today? ?

? Now he's gone and we're through ?

? Am I blue? ??

[Karen applauding]

There she is, that's your Lola Fontaine.

Well, Karen, I pretty much have to agree with you.

I wanna thank everyone for auditioning.

But I've decided that the role of Lola Fontaine

will be played by, um--

Excuse me, I'm Valerie Parker.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

But I'm new in town and I got lost coming here.

Is there still time to audition for the part of Lola?

- Uh, yes. - No.

Karen, last time I checked

I was the director and you were doing make-up.

So, if it's okay with you

I think we should let Valerie audition.

Uh, would you mind starting with a song?

No problem.

No sweat, he's not gonna cast

a frumpy-lookin' wallflower like that.

Yeah.

Okay, cue sync, give it to me right here.

A one, a two, a one, two, three.

[piano music]

? Am I blue? ?

? Am I blue? ?

? Ain't these tears in these eyes ?

? Tellin' you? ?

? Oh was I gay ?

? Till today? ?

? Now he's gone and we're through ?

? Am I blue? ?

? Am I blue? ?

? Am I blue? ??

Great!

Who the heck is that?

My guess, that's Lola Fontaine.

[instrumental music]

[grunts]

[grunting]

Argh!

So, how'd the audition go?

- I didn't get it. - 'Oh!'

- Can you believe that? - Oh, I'm so sorry.

I know how much you wanted this show.

Oh, she's still in the show, she's playin' Dolores.

The dim-witted, near-sighted maid.

Yeah, I've got four lines.

"Would you like a drink? How 'bout another drink?

Can I freshen your drink?"

And "I think you've had enough to drink."

Well, look at the bright side.

You've already got your lines memorized.

[laughs]

Then the director has the nerve

to ask me to understudy

this Valerie girl that got the lead.

Whoa, this Valerie must be really good, huh?

She only got it

because the director felt sorry for her.

You know, Miss I'm-new-in-town- and-I-got-lost

to a boot stinkin' who!

Forget it.

I'm not gonna do a bunch of work

on a part that I'm never gonna get the chance to do.

I'm just gonna quit the play.

Quit the play? Wait, Al, come here.

Sit down.

[Al sighs]

- Oh! - Look, Al.

I don't know a lot about acting

but I do know that in life that people that feel they deserve

to start at the top usually don't get very far.

I think you should reconsider.

I mean, I remember when I was in high school

I'd trot the boards at the Port Washington

Young Actors Theater too.

I was in "Peter Pan" and I don't mind telling you

they had a hard time making me look like a boy.

[laughs] Anyway, I was..

[both] ...barely 17.

Alright, alright. I'll do the stupid play.

Good, good, I'm glad you see my point of view.

Well, it's not really that.

It's just better than listening to that story again.

[instrumental music]

It smells fishy to me, lieutenant.

It smells fishyto me, lieutenant.

What's wrong, Valerie? Are you sick?

I think I have food poisoning.

Uh, oh, my God! Wha.. Do you think you can go on?

[retching]

I'm gonna take that as a no.

[Frank sighs]

Ah, come on. Cheer up, Al.

You're gonna be great.

Oh, yeah? You haven't seen the rest of my costume.

Cheer up, Al. You're gonna be great.

Al, we are.. Whoo! Nice glasses.

We-we are in serious trouble.

Valerie is sick, so you gotta go on for her.

W-what? No. I-I can't, I-I can't.

What do you mean you can't? Of course, you can.

This is your big opportunity, your chance to be a star.

That's what you always wanted, isn't it?

Well, yeah, except for one small thing.

I never bothered to learn any of Valerie's lines.

Cheer up, Al. You're gonna be great.

Oh, my God!

[instrumental music]

Uh, don't try and push me around, uh..

- Leftie. - Uh, Leftie, Leftie.

Okay, Al, two minutes till curtain.

Hmm.

Oh, my God, dad, two minutes, I'm dead.

I still don't know any of this.

Dad, do you really love me?

- Of course, I do, Al. - Good.

Then knock me out with your hammer

so I won't have to go on.

Forget it, Al.

Now, there is an audience out there

waiting to see a performance.

There's a bunch of actors back here who have

memorized their lines, that are waiting to go on.

But, dad, I'm just gonna screw it up.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Al, Al, I've read in TV Guide

that a lot of stars of television shows

hide their lines around on the set.

Those two big stars on "Dallas" did itallthe time.

Like you couldn't tell.

It works.

Here, I'm gonna go out there and hide as many pages

of the script as I can around on the set.

You go everywhere that Valerie went in rehearsal

and your lines will be there when you need 'em.

You just go to all the right places and you'll be okay.

But, dad, I don't know where the right place is.

"It smells fishy to me, lieutenant!"

"Itsmells fishy to me, lieutenant."

[indistinct chatter]

[mic squeaking]

Ladies and gentlemen, at this evening's performance

the role of Lola Fontaine will be played by Ms. Al Lambert.

'God, help us all.'

Oh, jeez, the mic's still on!

[audience applauding]

No, lieutenant, I just walked in and found the body.

Yes, I'll wait for you in the apartment.

I think I hear Ms. Fontaine coming now.

Goodbye.

I said I think I hear Ms. Fontaine coming now!

'Goodbye.'

I said I think I hear..

Um..

My goodness, Ms. Newton

what happened here?

He was dead when I came in.

My God, did you do this?

"I don't even know this slug. She laughs contemptuously."

Oh, oh, I mean..

...I don't even know this slug. Ha-ha-ha.

Ouch!

[picture frame shatters]

What should we do, Ms. Fontaine?

Well, I, I think

what we should, um

do is, uh..

...we should, well, we, we should, uh..

"We don't have a minute to waste.

"We better hide the body before the police get here

"or they'll blame it on Johnny.

That must be Johnny now."

[knock on door]

I mean now. Alright.

Do I get it?

Why don't I get it?

Hello, toots.

Oh!

So what's new?

Don't hello Johnny me.

Not with Jimmy the fence lying mugged down

on your pricey Persian rug.

I suppose you got some kind of alibi for all this.

Where you been all day?

Well, that..

...that's a darn good question.

I've, uh, I've..

Well, I've, uh..

I've been, uh..

'I've been..'

I've-I've been, um..

...doing laundry.

Shaking out a rug.

Dancing the funky chicken?

For God sake, whoever it is, come in.

- Lieutenant Muldoon. - Johnny Diamond.

Dead bodies just seem to follow you around.

What?

[audience laughing]

Oh! Johnny didn't do it.

What about you, Lola?

I'm sure you have an interesting story. Huh?

Nothing comes to mind.

Don't play that innocent act with me, sister.

Where were you at 10 this morning?

Uh, the shower?

Really?

Now, what would a

a pretty girl like you

be doin' at the race track?

Uh, kinda hopin' someone could tell me.

- Telegram for Ms. Fontaine. - Thank God!

- Page eight. - What?

He said, "Page eight."

Oh! Oh!

[grunts] Got it!

"What would I be doing at the race track?

And get your filthy hands off me, flatfoot!"

[clears throat]

I said get them off me!

Ow.

That's better.

[audience laughing]

Anybody call for a plumber?

No, no, there's more of the play coming, so don't worry.

Lola will be right out.

Dad, I'm not goin' back out there, your plan isn't working.

We wouldn't need a plan

if someone would have memorized their lines.

Dad, I'm makin' a fool out of myself.

You are not the only one out there who is lookin' bad.

But you are the one who is responsible.

[Ms. Newton] 'I didn't do it.'

Yeah, you're right.

[Muldoon] 'Maybe I did it'.

'You know, just think about that one..'

[Johnny] 'That was my pal.'

Look, Ms. Fontaine is back.

I'm not Ms. Fontaine.

Oh, my God!

Lola's got amnesia!

Give it up, Brad.

I think the audience is on to me.

Um, you can come to life now, Kenny.

It's over.

Uh..

Look, this is a, um..

...total mess.

And it's all my fault.

'Cause I got my ego bruised

when I didn't get the part I wanted.

I ruined this night for everyone

and for that I

owe you an apology.

I owe all of you an apology, too.

'I'm sorry.'

But please, you know, don't make the cast

and the crew suffer

for my mistake.

Come back, really..

...when Valerie feels better.

You'll get the chance to see

the actress who deserves..

...to be the star of the show.

[audience applauding]

Well, it smells lieutenant to me, fishy.

Oh, man!

[grunts]

[instrumental music]

"My, that's a big loaf of bread."

Mon dieu, ce'st ungrand baugette.

Yes, we ought to get the kha.

It's grande. Say kha.

- Grande. - Hi, guys.

Look, you've colored a pink ducky.

- What are you up to? - Oh! Mom, you gotta see this.

Lilly colored a pretty pink ducky.

Hmm. What are those?

[sighs]

"Is there not one bar of soap in all of France?"

[speaking in foreign language]

I don't believe this, Dana.

I told you not to put all this pressure on Lilly

and then you went and did it behind my back.

Yes, I did, because it's the right thing to do.

No, it wasn't. She's a child.

The right thing to do is to let her have

school time and then play time.

Not school time and more school time.

She's six years old.

You have to give her a chance to be a little girl.

Mom, you're wrong.

Lilly loves working with me.

Tell her, Lilly.

It stinks.

[speaking in foreign language]

[speaking in foreign language]

What is that?

She called me a big boogerhead.

But...she did it in French.

Come on, Lilly, school's out, go play.

Yay! Viva lamommy!

Viva lamommy.

You had no right to do that.

Well, somebody had to.

I mean, I couldn't just stand by here and watch her gifts

being frittered away like mine were.

I mean, I don't want her to be a failure, too.

Too?

Wait a minute, you think that you are a failure?

Think? What, what I know it.

Mom, I lost that legal internship

that I really, really wanted

to some woman who goes to Harvard

just because she...goes to Harvard.

So you didn't go to Harvard.

You're a strong, bright, determined young woman.

And if you'll just shake this, "poor me" attitude

you can do anything you want.

- Do you really think that? - I know that.

But you're the one who's gotta believe it.

[chuckles] Alright, mom.

But even if I did, I'm, I'm still worried about Lilly.

Her future. I mean, don't you want her to be special?

Dana, if Lilly turns out to be half as special as you

I will be such a happy mother.

Okay?

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