All language subtitles for Richards.Wedding.2012.WEBRip.x264-ION10

HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD.

A KID WAS CRYING.
YEAH.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL
EVERY DAY INSIDE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MWAH. NICE
TO SEE YOU, TOO.

YOU LOOK PRETTY.
YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YOU LOOK VERY
HANDSOME.

YES, DOES THIS
LOOK ALL RIGHT?
YEAH, IT'S GREAT.

YOU DON'T THINK THE
NAVY BLUE AND THE BLACK--

ARE THEY OKAY TOGETHER?

I WOULDN'T HAVE CHOSEN
NAVY BLUE AND BLACK,

BUT YOU MAKE IT WORK.
YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT?

THAT'S--THAT'S
A SECURITY DEVICE.

HE FORGOT
TO TAKE THIS OFF!

DID YOU S--

THE GUY AT THE--
THE GUY AT THE REGISTER

FORGET TO TAKE--I BOUGHT
THESE PANTS YESTERDAY.

THEY FORGOT--I DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW THIS WAS ON HERE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE
WEAR THAT.

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK
I SHOPLIFTED THIS.

I THINK YOU SHOPLIFTED
IT. YOU DIDN'T?

WELL, I CAN'T
TAKE THIS OFF, PROBABLY,
'CAUSE THEY HAVE THESE--

NO, DON'T. YOU'RE
GOING TO RIP YOUR PANTS.

WE SHOULD GO BACK
TO THE STORE.

IT'S OKAY.
YOU HAVE TO SLOW DOWN.

I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT
RUNNING FROM THE POLICE
ACTIVELY, RIGHT?

YOU'RE WEARING
HIGH HEELS.

YEAH, WE'RE GOING
TO GET THERE.

IT'S GOING TO BE 2013
BY THE TIME WE GET THERE.

WELL, LIKE, DO YOU
WANT TO CARRY ME?

SO, WHAT DID YOU END UP
DOING LAST NIGHT AFTER ALL?

OH, I GOT WASTED.

AGAIN?

YEAH. I DRANK, LIKE,
TWO BOTTLES OF WINE.

DON'T THEY SAY A COUPLE
OF GLASSES OF WINE

IS SUPPOSED TO BE
GOOD FOR YOU?

I SAID TWO BOTTLES.

OH.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I THINK I AM.

I DON'T--
NO, YOU'RE NOT.

BUT I HAD SEX. LIKE,
I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT.

REALLY?
WITH A WOMAN?

NO, WITH A PLATYPUS.

OH, WAS IT AWESOME?

PLATYPUS IS THE
BEST KIND OF PUSSY.

IT WAS A RANDOM THING.
I WAS IN THE BAR DRINKING,

AND THIS GIRL CAME UP
AND STARTED AGGRESSIVELY
BUYING ME SHOTS.

LIKE, OUT OF NOWHERE,
'CAUSE I DIDN'T REALLY

HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY,
AND I'D SPENT IT ALL,

AND THEN WE DRANK
AND DRANK, AND THEN

SHE TOOK ME BACK
TO HER PLACE, AND--

YOU FUCKED.

WHEN YOU PUT IT
THAT WAY, IT'S SO CHEAP.

OH, MY GOD.
YOU MET A WOMAN
IN A BAR LAST NIGHT.

YOU WENT HOME WITH HER,
AND THEN YOU DID IT.

IT WAS CHEAP, RIGHT?

IT WASN'T THAT CHEAP.
SHE COST ME $300.

SHE WAS A PROSTITUTE?

NO, I'M KIDDING.
I DON'T SLEEP WITH
PROSTITUTES ANYMORE.

I PROBABLY WOULD, THOUGH,
IF I COULD AFFORD IT, YOU KNOW.

WAS SHE CUTE?

YEAH, SHE WAS CUTE,
AND SHE WAS YOUNG,

AND SHE WAS CHINESE.
EXOTIC, YOU KNOW?

HOW YOUNG?

LIKE, 21?
WELL, YEAH.

HOW CHINESE?

100% CHINESE,
ALL THE WAY.

DID YOU USE
PROTECTION?

SHIT, NO. CHINESE
PEOPLE CAN'T GET AIDS.

I'M KIDDING AROUND.
OF COURSE I--

I WORE, LIKE,
THREE CONDOMS.

DID YOU HAVE SEX
THREE TIMES?

NO, I DIDN'T HAVE SEX
THREE TIMES.

I JUST WEAR THREE CONDOMS

BECAUSE IT MAKES MY PENIS
THICKER, YOU KNOW?

SO, WHAT'S HER NAME?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

REALLY?

NO, I'M KIDDING. I JUST
CAN'T PRONOUNCE IT.

WHAT DOES SHE DO?

UH, SHE'S A PHOTOGRAPHER.

OH, LIKE AMY.

AMY'S NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER.

SHE THINKS SHE IS.

THE DELUDED ARTIST.

WHAT ABOUT
THE DELUDED ARTIST?

I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE DELUDED?

YOU'RE DELUDED.

YEAH.

SO YOU HAD SEX WITH AN
18-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL

LAST NIGHT.
CONGRATULATIONS.

SHE WASN'T 18. SHE WAS 21.
I WISH SHE WAS 18.

YOU'RE 38. THAT'S
STILL A VERY BIG GAP.

ACTUALLY HER GAP
WAS VERY TINY.

IS THAT A CHINESE THING?
DO THEY HAVE SMALLER VAGI--

NARROWER VAGINAS?

WHY WOULD THAT BE
A CHINESE THING?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE
NARROWER EYES, I GUESS.

THAT'S A LITTLE
RACIST--
UH, YEAH.

I CAN GET AWAY WITH THAT,
THOUGH, BECAUSE I'M TURKISH.

HOW DOES BEING TURKISH
ALLOW YOU TO BE RACIST?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
THE MIDDLE EAST NOW?

THE MIDDLE EASTERNERS
ARE THE LOWEST OF LOW,

IN TERMS OF RACISM,
YOU KNOW.

WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN
SUBJECTED TO RACISM?

EXCUSE ME, DID YOU
SHOPLIFT THOSE PANTS?

DID I SHOPLIFT
THESE PANTS?

YEAH. YOU'LL GET
ARRESTED FOR THAT

IF YOU WEAR THEM
ON THE STREET.

NO. THE GUY JUST
FORGOT TO TAKE THE TAG
OFF OF THIS.

I LOOK LIKE THE TYPE
OF GUY WHO WOULD
SHOPLIFT, RIGHT?

YEAH.
YEAH.

SEE? PEOPLE
ARE GOING TO THINK
I SHOPLIFTED THIS.

DID YOU SHOPLIFT
THAT SHIRT?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

THAT'S NOT NICE.

SHE DOESN'T HAVE
A SECURITY LABEL ON IT.

I'M SORRY
FOR MY FRIEND.

NO, I DIDN'T
SHOPLIFT THEM.

YOU GUYS
TAKE IT EASY.

HE'S CRAZY.
DON'T MIND HIM.

SEE, THEY'RE JUDGING.
THEY'RE JUDGING ME

BASED ON THE WAY
I LOOK.

NO, THEY'RE JUDGING YOU
BASED ON THE FACT

THAT YOU HAVE
A SECURITY TAG
ON YOUR PANT.

MOST PEOPLE DON'T
WALK AROUND WITH ONE.

IN FACT, I'VE NEVER
SEEN ANYONE WALK AROUND

WITH A SECURITY TAG
ON THEIR PANTS.

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY
PEOPLE GET NERVOUS--

GOING BACK TO THE
WHOLE IDEA OF RACISM,

TURKISH PEOPLE,
POST-9/11

I DEAL WITH IT
ALL THE TIME.

I WALK INTO
A PUBLIC PLACE--

I WALK INTO A PUBLIC PLACE,
I GET DIRTY LOOKS CONSTANTLY.

IF I'M CARRYING A BAG,
I HAVE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT

TO EVERYONE WHEN
I GET IN, WHICH IS LIKE,

HEY, EVERYONE.
THERE'S JUST A LAPTOP

AND A PAIR OF UNDERWEAR
IN THIS BAG.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE
YOU THINK THEY'RE AFRAID

YOU HAVE A BOMB IN THERE?

YEAH, OF COURSE THEY'RE
AFRAID I HAVE A BOMB.

BEING TURKISH IN
A POST-9/11 AMERICA,

IT'S A DIFFICULT
THING, YOU KNOW?

YOU CAN'T EVEN SPEAK
TURKISH, THOUGH.

I KNOW. DON'T
REMIND ME OF THAT.

I FEEL RETARDED
ENOUGH, AS IT IS.

DON'T SAY THAT.

WHAT?
RETARDED.

OH, YEAH.
YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

IT MAKES YOU SOUND
LIKE A SIXTH-GRADER.

I KNOW. IT MAKES ME
SOUND RETARDED.

YEAH.

HOW'S YOUR COUSIN?

WHICH ONE?

LOUIS.

WHY ARE YOU ASKING
ABOUT LOUIS?

I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST
POPPED IN MY HEAD.

LOUIS ISN'T RETARDED.

I KNOW HE'S NOT RETARDED,
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIT

HE SAYS RETARDED THINGS
SOMETIMES,

SO HE SEEMS A LITTLE RETARDED;

BUT I SAY RETARDED THINGS
ALL THE TIME, SO--

HENCE, I'M PRETTY
RETARDED, TOO, I GUESS.

MM-HMM. WELL--

HE'S GOOD, I THINK.
YOU KNOW, I--

IS HE GOOD?

I HOPE HE IS,
AND I THINK HE IS.

YOU SAID HE WAS
TURNING HIS LIFE AROUND,

THE LAST TIME WE TALKED.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK
IS GOING ON WITH HIM,

BUT HONESTLY
WE HAVEN'T TALKED

IN A REALLY LONG TIME

BECAUSE THERE'S BEEN SOME
BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US.

DOES HE HAVE HIV?

NO. WHY WOULD YOU
ASK THAT?

'CAUSE HE WAS A JUNKIE.
HE USED TO SHOOT UP AND--

DON'T DO THAT.
THAT'S REALLY--

YOU EVER SHOT HEROIN
OFF? YOU EVER SHOT IT?

WHY DO YOU ASK ME
SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS?

'CAUSE I'M RETARDED.

YOU KNOW, LOUIS WAS LIKE
A CRYSTAL METH ADDICT,

WHICH IS VERY DIFFERENT
FROM HEROIN,

AND I DON'T THINK
HE EVER SHOT ANYTHING UP.

HE'S FAT, THOUGH.
HE'S A FAT GUY.

SO?

I JUST THOUGHT CRYSTAL METH
USERS WERE SKINNY.

I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S AN ANOMALY.

IT'S INCREDIBLE THAT HE
HAD EVERYTHING AT ONE TIME

AND JUST LOST IT ALL
IMMEDIATELY.

I LIKE HEARING STORIES
LIKE THAT, ACTUALLY.

WHY?

IT MAKES ME FEEL
BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.

LOUIS FAILING IN LIFE
MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER
ABOUT YOURSELF, TUNA?

YEAH, 'CAUSE I COMPARE
MY LIFE TO HIS,

AND I THINK, OKAY,
MY LIFE'S NOT SO BAD.

IT'S LIKE I USED TO LIKE
GOING TO THE BEACH WITH LOUIS

BECAUSE HE'S FAT, AND I LOOK
BETTER WITH MY SHIRT OFF

SITTING BESIDE HIM,
YOU KNOW?

MAYBE IF YOU SPENT
A LITTLE MORE TIME

COMPARING YOURSELF
TO SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

AND STRIVING
TO BE LIKE THEM,

YOU'D BE MORE
SUCCESSFUL.

THAT'S NOT GOING TO
MAKE ME MORE SUCCESSFUL.

I'M NOT SUCCESSFUL, AND
I PROBABLY NEVER WILL BE

BECAUSE I'M NOT MOTIVATED
BY MONEY, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU'RE ALWAYS
TALKING ABOUT MONEY.

YOU'RE ALWAYS COMPLAINING
ABOUT NOT HAVING IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE THAT
MUCH MONEY. I MEAN, YOU--

I KNOW. I DON'T COMPLAIN
ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

I'M KIND OF HAPPY YOU DON'T
HAVE MUCH MONEY, ACTUALLY.

REALLY?
YOU'RE HAPPY.

IF YOU HAD A LOT
OF MONEY, A LOT MORE
MONEY THAN I HAVE

THEN IT WOULD PROBABLY
SULLY OUR RELATIONSHIP

IN SOME KIND OF WAY,
YOU KNOW?

SO YOU HOPE THAT
I DON'T HAVE MONEY,

JUST SO THAT YOU COULD
FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF.

IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL
BETTER ABOUT MYSELF

THAT YOU DON'T HAVE MONEY.
I MEAN, FOR EXAMPLE,

RUSSELL: YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS
OF RUSSELL'S SUCCESS.

WHO'S UNSUCCESSFUL
ANYMORE?

NO, RUSSELL.
OH, RUSSELL. SORRY.

YOU'RE NOT JEALOUS?

NO, I'M REALLY NOT. I'M
REALLY HAPPY FOR HIM.

I'M JEALOUS AS HELL BECAUSE
HE NEVER HAS TO WORK AGAIN,

EVER, THE REST
OF HIS LIFE.

OH, MY GOD.
HE DID THAT WELL?

HE DID PRETTY
WELL, YEAH.

I HAD NO IDEA.
BUT HE DESIGNED

AN IPHONE APPLICATION.
WHAT DOES IT DO?

IT'S LIKE A NOVELTY
IPHONE APPLICATION.

A FARTING
IPHONE APP?

SOMETHING
LIKE THAT, YEAH.

RUSSELL GOT RICH
BY DESIGNING

A FARTING
IPHONE APP.

IT WASN'T A FARTING
IPHONE APPLICATION,

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE A
PRACTICAL FUNCTION, YEAH.

HE'S MAKING TONS OF MONEY
ON IT, YOU KNOW?

WOW. YOU KNOW, NOW
I'M ACTUALLY A LITTLE
JEALOUS OF THIS.

YEAH, SEE?
OF COURSE!

YEAH. I MEAN, HE'S
NOT THAT SMART.

WELL, NEITHER ARE WE.
I MEAN, NEITHER AM I.

YEAH. WELL, WE SHOULD
JUST DESIGN SOMETHING

REALLY STUPID AND GET
FILTHY RICH OFF OF IT.

WE SHOULD DO WHAT?

DESIGN SOMETHING
REALLY STUPID

AND GET FILTHY RICH
OFF OF IT LIKE RUSSELL.

OH, LIKE HE DID,
RIGHT.

YEAH.
SURE, LET'S DO IT.

LET'S DO IT.
WHEN?

RIGHT NOW.
THINK OF SOMETHING.

THINK OF SOMETHING.

CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING.

ME NEITHER.

IT WOULD BE EASIER
JUST TO STEAL HIS MONEY,

YOU KNOW.
WE SHOULD DO THAT.

I'M FINE WITH THAT.
LET'S DO THAT.

NO, I DON'T WANT
TO DO THAT EITHER.

WHY?

IT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

ARE HIS TEETH
STILL MESSED UP?

WHOSE TEETH?

LOUIS'S.

WHY ARE YOU
OBSESSED WITH HIM?

I JUST REMEMBER HIM
HAVING HORRIBLE

PROBLEM FUCKED UP TEETH.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN YOU DO CRYSTAL METH.

THEY'RE LIKE GRAVEL. THEY'RE
LIKE LITTLE DIRTY ROCKS

JAMMED INTO HIS GUMS.

I HAVE NIGHTMARES
ABOUT HIS TEETH.

TUNA, I DON'T THINK HAVING
NIGHTMARES ABOUT LOUIS'S TEETH

IS ABOUT LOUIS.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR OWN
INSECURITIES.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
IF I'M HAVING NIGHTMARES

ABOUT LOUIS'S
ROTTING TEETH?

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S ABOUT YOU.

IT MEANS YOU'RE FEELING,
MAYBE, LIKE POWERLESS,

UNATTRACTIVE...

I DEFINITELY FEEL
POWERLESS,

BUT IT'S A CONSCIOUS
CHOICE. POWER CORRUPTS.

YOUR TEETH AREN'T
SO GREAT, YOU KNOW.

YOU'VE GOT
A LOT OF PLAQUE
ON THE BOTTOM.

THAT'S BECAUSE I BRUSH
MY TEETH WITH NICOTINE.

YOU NEED TO GO SEE
A PROFESSIONAL AND
GET THEM CLEANED.

I CAN'T AFFORD GETTING
MY TEETH CLEANED.

NEXT TO LOUIS,
I COULD BE THE MODEL

FOR A TOOTHPASTE COMMERCIAL.
I MEAN, HIS TEETH ARE--

THEY'RE NOT
LIKE THAT ANYMORE.

HE GOT HIS TEETH FIXED?
HE DIDN'T GET HIS TEETH FIXED.

LOUIS'S TEETH WERE BEYOND
REPAIR. I MEAN, LIKE,

THEY COULDN'T REBUILD POMPEII.
I MEAN, THEY COULD,

AND THEY DID, BUT IT WASN'T
WITH THE SAME MATERIALS.

THEY HAD TO FLY
MATERIALS IN FROM--

HE GOT IMPLANTS, I GUESS.
WHERE'D HE GET THE MONEY

FOR IMPLANTS?
THAT'S INTERESTING.

TUNA, JUST, SHH, OKAY?

STOP. LET'S JUST
NOT TALK--

I'M JUST CURIOUS 'CAUSE
HIS TEETH WERE SO MESSED UP.

TUNA, JUST, LIKE,
STOP IT. I DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

LIKE, COULD YOU JUST
SHUT UP?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS
WE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT

RIGHT NOW, AND--
WHY ARE WE TALKING
ABOUT THIS?

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW
WHY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
LOUIS'S TEETH.

THE ONLY THING--

LET'S TALK ABOUT
HIS NIPPLES, THEN.

THAT'S THE ONE THING
I'D JUST LIKE TO TAKE OFF
THE AGENDA, OKAY?

NIPPLES. WE WON'T TALK
ABOUT HIS TEETH; HIS NIPPLES,

'CAUSE HE HAD BEAUTIFUL
NIPPLES AT THE BEACH.

THEY WERE GORGEOUS NIPPLES.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIS NIPPLES.

IT'S LIKE, HIS MAN-TITS WERE
SO GORGEOUS. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL,

THEY'RE MUCH MAN-TITTIER
THAN MY MAN-TITS, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

YOU'RE KIND OF BIPOLAR,

AND, LIKE, YOUR TEMPER
ALWAYS IS LIKE

A TSUNAMI OF, LIKE, ANGER
FESTERING INSIDE OF YOU.

ONE OF THESE DAYS
YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE

ON THE WRONG PERSON,
AND SOMEONE'S GOING
TO GET HURT, YOU KNOW.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU.

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY IT'S
PROBABLY GOING TO BE YOU.

OH, YEAH, ARE YOU
THREATENING ME?

YEAH. NO.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW,
THAT'S COOL.

I'VE BEEN THREATENED BEFORE.
WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST TIME.

I'M NOT THREATENING
YOU. STOP IT.

THAT'S COOL. 'CAUSE
I SEEM PEACEFUL AND STUFF,

LIKE PEACEFUL, PLACID,
CALM WATERS,

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT A TSUNAMI IS.

THAT EARTHQUAKE
WE HAD IN NEW YORK?

I GET ANGRY,

OH, MAN, SHIT STARTS
SHAKING, LIKE THE GROUND--

PEOPLE ARE, YOU KNOW--

I THINK YOU
SHOULD'VE SHUT UP.

I KNOW WHY
YOU'RE PISSED.

I'M NOT PISSED.

LOOK AT ME
FOR A SECOND.

YOU ARE PISSED.

I'M NOT.

GIVE ME A SMILE.

NO.

SEE, YOU ARE PISSED
'CAUSE NO ONE CAN
RESIST MY SMILE,

EVEN IF IT IS COVERED
WITH PLAQUE.

YOU'RE PISSED OFF
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

YOU WANT TO GET
MARRIED TO DANIEL,

AND SEEING RICHARD AND
PHOEBE GET MARRIED TODAY

IS REMINDING YOU THAT
YOU'RE NOT MARRIED,

AND YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, IT'S A NATURAL THING,

YOU KNOW. IT'S WHAT
ALL WOMEN WANT.

WOMEN JUST WANT
TO GET MARRIED.

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT
POLLUTION OR WORLD PEACE

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S JUST TO GET MARRIED.

IT'S SUPERFICIAL
AND SHALLOW,

BUT IT'S THE WAY
WOMEN THINK,

SO YOU'RE NOT SINGULAR
IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW,
LOUIS OWES ME MONEY,

AND IT'S MONEY I NEED
RIGHT NOW,

AND WHENEVER I THINK
ABOUT IT, I GET REALLY MAD.

YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP,

SO, YOU KNOW--

DON'T GET MAD, YOU KNOW?

OH, IT'S THAT EASY,
RIGHT, WITH THIS LITTLE
ON AND OFF SWITCH.

YEAH, IT'S RIGHT
BEHIND THE G-SPOT.

WHY DOES HE OWE YOU MONEY?

HE BORROWED IT.

TO GET HIS TEETH FIXED.
IS THAT RIGHT?

MM. YOU KNOW...
I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S JUST EVERY TIME
I THINK ABOUT IT,

I GET SO UPSET
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK

HE'S GOING TO PAY ME BACK.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY
NEED THE MONEY,

IT MAKES ME ANGRY, AND
I WISH I COULD HELP IT,

BUT I CAN'T,
AND SO I'M ANGRY,

AND THAT'S THAT.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.

WELL, ARE YOU SITTING
OR STANDING?

WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?

I THINK YOU SAID HE WAS
TURNING HIS LIFE AROUND.

HE IS.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

TUNA...

COME ON. I JUST WANT TO
MAKE CONVERSATION. TELL ME.

COME ON.

HE'S DRIVING A BUS, AND
I THINK HE JOINED A CHURCH.

HE DOING THE CHURCH?
THAT'S WORSE

THAN BEING ADDICTED
TO DRUGS, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
MAKES ME MAD?

I KNEW YOU WERE MAD.

YOU MAKE ME MAD
WHEN YOU SAY DUMBASS SHIT

LIKE I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,
I'M RETARDED.

I DIDN'T SAY
YOU WERE RETARDED.
I SAID I'M RETARDED.

I'M THE RETARDED ONE.
I'M RETARDED.

YEAH. WELL, YOU KNOW,
IT'S BULLSHIT.

WHAT'S BULLSHIT?

YOU KNOW, BEING RETARDED
OR AN ALCOHOLIC

ARE SERIOUS
MEDICAL CONDITIONS.

YOU CAN'T JUST, LIKE,
THROW THAT OUT THERE

AND, YOU KNOW--YOU JUST
ACT SO BLASE ABOUT IT,

LIKE YOU'RE DOING IT
TO BE ADORABLE, LIKE,

I'M A LITTLE RETARDED
ALCOHOLIC, AREN'T I SO CUTE?

I'M NOT DOING IT
TO BE ADORABLE.

I REALLY--
I'VE GOT BRAIN DAMAGE.

I MEAN, THERE'S--SERIOUSLY,
I USED TO SMOKE WEED--

NO, SERIOUSLY--

I USED TO SMOKE WEED
OUT OF A METAL PIPE.

YOU NEED TO
TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY.

MY DAD WAS A RETARDED
ALCOHOLIC.

HE WAS A RETARDED
ALCOHOLIC?

NO. HE WAS
JUST AN ALCOHOLIC,

BUT HE WAS REALLY
FUCKED UP, YOU KNOW.

IT WAS TERRIBLE, AND,
LIKE, I JUST WANT YOU

TO THINK ABOUT THINGS
A LITTLE MORE

BEFORE YOU SAY THEM
BECAUSE YOU JUST NEED

TO TAKE
INTO CONSIDERATION

ALL THE RETARDED ALCOHOLICS
OUT THERE, AND ME, OKAY?

WAS YOUR DAD REALLY
AN ALCOHOLIC?

YEAH.

WHY DON'T I KNOW THIS?

IT'S NOT THE KIND OF THING
I'D TWEET ABOUT, OKAY?

**

* I KNOW IF YOU WOULD
TALK TO ME *

* I COULD MAKE YOU SEE *

* HOW OUR LOVE WILL SHINE *

YOU KNOW, IF YOUR FATHER
WAS AN ALCOHOLIC,

YOU'VE GOT THE GENE,
YOU KNOW?

NO, I DON'T REALLY
INDULGE IN ANYTHING,

TUNA, YOU KNOW.
I'M VERY DISCIPLINED.

YOU DON'T DRINK
THAT MUCH.

NO.

YOU DON'T JERK
YOUR DICK THAT MUCH.

NO.
YOU DON'T JERK
YOUR DICK?

NO COMMENT.
NO COMMENT.

YOU JERK YOUR DICK,
DON'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, I JERK MY
DICK, BUT NOT FIVE TIMES
A DAY OR ANYTHING.

YEAH, WHY BEGRUDGE
SOMEONE FOR JERKING IT
FIVE TIMES A DAY?

I'M NOT BEGRUDGING
ANYONE. I MEAN,

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU
FINGER YOURSELF?

FUCKING FIVE TIMES
A DAY. HEY,

MASTURBATION
IS HEALTHY.

IF SOMEONE JERKS
FIVE TIMES A DAY,

YOU SHOULD CELEBRATE.
YES, YES.

'CAUSE THEY'RE IN
A REALLY GOOD, PLACID
FRAME OF MIND.

WE SHOULD NOMINATE THEM
TO BE A CNN HERO.

HA, HA, NOMINATE THEM
TO BE A CNN HERO.

IT IS. IT'S MASTURBATING
YOU'RE CELEBRATING.

THE FIVE-TIME MASTURBATOR
SHOULD BE A CNN HERO?

YEAH.

HEY, DID YOU KNOW THAT
TIME'S MAN OF THE YEAR,

IN THE 1930S, ADOLF HITLER,
TIME MAN OF THE YEAR.

WEIRD.

'CAUSE HE MASTURBATED
FIVE TIMES A DAY.

NO. IF HITLER
WOULD'VE MASTURBATED
FIVES TIMES A DAY,

HE WOULD'VE NEVER MURDERED
SIX MILLION JEWS.

DON'T WALK, DON'T WALK,
DON'T WALK!

IT'S A DO NOT WALK
SIGN, MY FRIEND.

UH, HITLER WOULD'VE
NEVER KILLED

FIVE MILLION JEWS,
SIX MILLION JEWS.

HE WOULD'VE KILLED LESS
JEWS HAD HE MASTURBATED

FIVE TIMES A DAY.
IT'S TRUE, YOU KNOW?

DID YOU KNOW HITLER WAS A
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALIST?

HITLER WAS A CHRISTIAN
FUNDAMENTALIST.

LIKE, I JUST
REALIZED THAT.

HE'S A CHRISTIAN
FUNDAMENTALIST?

HE WAS. IT'S WEIRD,
RIGHT?

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I'M GOING TO USE THAT

AGAINST ALL MY CHRISTIAN
FRIENDS, YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS--
THEY COULD BE SO, YOU KNOW,

THAT KIND OF THING. I THINK
IT SHOULD BE A LAW.

I THINK IT SHOULD BE
MANDATORY THAT REPUBLICANS

ARE FORCED TO JERK OFF
ONCE A DAY. I THINK
IT SHOULD BE A LAW.

TELL ME WHY.

IT WOULD MAKE THEM
MORE LIBERAL, BASICALLY.

YOU KNOW, REPUBLICANS
ARE AFRAID OF SEX.

THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALL SO
PENT UP AND HAVE SUCH HIGH RATES

OF COLON CANCERS,
WHICH, BY THE WAY,

HAS THE HIGHEST
CURE RATE OF ANY CANCER

BECAUSE OF ALL THE FUNDING,
BECAUSE REPUBLICANS FUND IT,

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE ONES
WHO GET COLON CANCER;

AND IN ORDER TO GET THEM
TO BE MORE LIBERAL,

THEY HAVE TO BE
LESS AFRAID OF SEX,

AND DEMOCRATS HAVE TO GET THEM
SPANKING THEIR DICKS MORE.

MM-HMM, THAT'S A REALLY
INTERESTING IDEA, TUNA.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
SUBMIT THAT FOR AN ARTICLE

FOR MOTHER JONES.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MAYBE I WILL DO THAT, YEAH.

ARE YOU STILL DRUNK?

A LITTLE BIT, YEAH.

YEAH. WHAT KIND
OF WINE DO YOU DRINK?

PINOT GRIGIO.
ALWAYS PINOT GRIGIO.

UH-HUH.

LET'S GET A DRINK NOW.
WE'VE GOT SOME TIME

'CAUSE RUSSELL LIVES
AROUND HERE, SO WE--

WELL, YEAH, BUT
THERE'S GOING TO BE
SO MUCH ALCOHOL

AT RUSSELL'S.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO SPEND MONEY?

'CAUSE I'M A LITTLE
NERVOUS. IT WILL TAKE
THE EDGE OFF.

WHY ARE YOU NERVOUS?
I'M NOT NERVOUS.
HE'S OUR FRIEND.

BECAUSE IT'S OLD
FRIENDS WE HAVEN'T
SEEN IN A LONG TIME

AND KRISTIN'S
GOING TO BE THERE,

AND KRISTIN AND I
HAVE A HISTORY,

SO IT WOULD JUST
RELAX ME A LITTLE BIT.

DO YOU WANT A XANAX?
I DON'T HAVE ONE,

BUT WE COULD
MAYBE FIND ONE.

WE'LL GET A DRINK
RIGHT NOW, AND I'LL PAY.

OKAY.

UNLESS YOU AGREE
TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN.

THIS PLACE
IS EXPENSIVE.

WEST VILLAGE, A BUNCH
OF SNOBS, RICH FUCKERS.

WHY'D YOU BREAK UP
WITH KRISTIN?

'CAUSE SHE WAS JEALOUS.
IT WAS REALLY UNATTRACTIVE.

YOU'RE A HYPOCRITE.

WHY?

WHAT WERE YOU JUST
SAYING ABOUT RUSSELL?

YOU WERE SO JEALOUS
ABOUT HIM.

YEAH, I'M JEALOUS OF
HIS SUCCESS, OBVIOUSLY.

IT'S OBVIOUS, YOU KNOW.
IT'S DIFFERENT

THAN BEING JEALOUS OF
WHO SOMEONE SLEEPS WITH.

OKAY, BUT
YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ACTUALLY CHEATED
ON HER. REMEMBER THAT?

YEAH, BUT SHE WASN'T AWARE
THAT I CHEATED ON HER,

SO HER JEALOUSY WAS UNFOUNDED.

I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE
I'M FRIENDS WITH YOU.

WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE
KIND OF AN ASSHOLE?

YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT.

HOW DO YOU LIVE
WITH YOURSELF?

I DRINK.

DO YOU REALLY
DRINK THAT MUCH?

SURE, I DO.

WHY?

TO GET THE TASTE OF
ASSHOLE OUT OF MY MOUTH.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD
SIGN UP RIGHT NOW

AND GET YOUR NAME ON THE LIST
FOR A LIVER TRANSPLANT.

I DO THINK MY LIVER'S
FUCKED, ACTUALLY, YEAH.

REALLY?
YEAH.

WHY? WHY DO YOU
THINK THAT?

MY LIVER IS--SHIVERS.

YOUR LIVER SHIVERS?

YEAH, IT DOES. DOES YOURS?

NO.
MINE DOES.

THAT'S PRETTY BAD.

I DO THINK YOU NEED
TO GET ON THE LIST.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE A REAL
FRIEND, YOU WOULD ORGANIZE

AN INTERVENTION
FOR ME.

I DON'T LIKE TO MEDDLE.
I REALLY DON'T.

YOU KNOW
WHAT I SHOULD DO?

I SHOULD JUST HAVE
MY OWN INTERVENTION.

SHOULD I? WOULD THAT
BE PRETENTIOUS

OR SELF-ABSORBED TO HAVE
MY OWN INTERVENTION,

TO STAGE MY OWN
INTERVENTION?

I DON'T KNOW. EVERYTHING YOU
DO IS PRETTY PRETENTIOUS,

AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY
IS PRETTY SELF-ABSORBED.

EVERYBODY IS SELF-ABSORBED.
EVERYBODY--

EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE DOES,
IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER,

IS SELF-SERVING.
THAT'S THE WAY THAT IT--

I MEAN, NOT REALLY.
I--

ME AND DANIEL, LIKE,
I AM SO FOCUSED ON HIM.

I PUT HIM BEFORE EVERYTHING, AND
I HAVE FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS,

AND IT'S JUST,
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE

OUR RELATIONSHIP
COMES FIRST.

IT'S NOT ME.
IT'S, LIKE, US.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

I MEAN, THAT'S GREAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.

THAT'S, THAT'S AWESOME.
WAY TO GO.

YOU! YOU TRY THAT FOR, LIKE
FIVE OR SIX MONTHS AT A TIME,

LIKE YOU DID WITH KRISTIN,
AND THEN YOU JUST,

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE,

AND YOU HAVE TO BE BY
YOURSELF BECAUSE ULTIMATELY

THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE.
YOU LOVE YOU.

ALL OF OUR FRIENDS
LOVE BEING ALONE,

ALL OF OUR FRIENDS,
EVERYBODY THAT'S GOING

TO BE THERE TONIGHT
IS PRETTY MUCH SINGLE,

EXCEPT FOR RICHARD
FOR PHOEBE AND YOU.

NO, ANDREW.

NO, ANDREW'S DOING THE RIGHT
THING. HE'S GETTING DIVORCED.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

NO.

WAIT. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE'S GETTING--

IT'S HAPPENED. HE GOT MARRIED.
IT'S NOT WORKING OUT FOR HIM.

WHY? WHY ARE THEY
GETTING A DIVORCE?

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO
WHEN THEY GET MARRIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T KNOW
ANDREW WAS GETTING A DIVORCE.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST TOUCH
WITH SO MANY FRIENDS.

THAT'S THE IRONY
ABOUT PUTTING

SOMEONE LIKE DANIEL
BEFORE YOURSELF.

YOU LOSE TOUCH
WITH EVERYONE WHO
REALLY LOVES YOU.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING.

TUNA, I'M GOING TO
PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

DIDN'T YOU TRAIN TO BE
A BOXER AT ONE TIME?

FOR, LIKE, A MINUTE.

YOU EVER PUNCH
DANIEL IN THE FACE?

NO.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

WHY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY.
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR
FUCKING MIND.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE--

WELL, THERE'S
SURELY ONE TIME

THAT YOU DID SOMETHING,
WHERE YOU JUST COULDN'T

CONTROL YOURSELF FROM--

OKAY, TUNA. ONE TIME,

I DID ACTUALLY PUNCH
HIM IN THE FACE,

AND I FEEL REALLY
AWFUL ABOUT IT.

WHAT DID HE DO?

WE HAD THIS HUGE FIGHT,
AND I JUST--

I, LIKE, BLEW MY LID.
I BLEW MY TOP,

AND I JUST PUNCHED HIM,
AND IT WAS AWFUL.

THAT'S SUCH BULLSHIT.
NOW SEE, A WOMAN

COULD HIT A GUY IN THE FACE,
AND NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING.

THEY LAUGH ABOUT IT.
IT'S CUTE, IT'S ENDEARING.

IF A GUY HITS A GIRL
ON THE FACE, IT'S ABUSE.

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT
RIGHT OT HIT SOMEONE,

AND I HOPE I NEVER
DO IT AGAIN, AND DAN--

DANIEL THANKFULLY
WOULD NEVER HIT ME,

AND THANKFULLY HE FORGAVE ME.

OF COURSE, RIGHT,
AND I WOULD NEVER
HIT A GIRL EITHER.

MOST GUYS WOULD
NEVER HIT A GIRL,

BUT I'VE BEEN HIT
IN THE FACE BY PLENTY
OF WOMEN.

WERE THEY GIRLFRIENDS?

THEY WERE ALWAYS GIRLFRIENDS,
AND I SAID SOMETHING

TO PISS THEM OFF, AND ONE
THING WOULD LEAD TO ANOTHER,

AND THEY WOULD JUST FUCKING
GO AFTER ME AND HIT ME

IN THE FACE ALL OVER
THE PLACE, AND I CAN'T

DO ANYTHING
TO PROTECT MYSELF.

SO, HERE'S WHAT I DO. WHEN
A WOMAN'S TRYING TO HIT ME,

AND THEY'RE
ALL OVER MY SHITS,

WHAT I DO IS, I'D TAKE
THEIR HEAD LIKE THIS,

OKAY.
YOU KNOW?

AND I'LL PUSH IT
DOWN LIKE THIS,

AND, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
AND I TRY TO--

I JUST KEEP THEM FROM
TRYING TO HIT ME, RIGHT?

AND IT DOESN'T DO ANY,
LIKE, PHYSICAL HARM,

BUT IT'S LIKE MORE OF
A SLOW BURN, RIGHT.

TRY TO GET AWAY.
YOU CAN'T GET AWAY.

YOU WANT ME
TO GET AWAY?

RIGHT. TRY TO GET AWAY. YOU
CAN'T DO IT. SEE, YOU'RE WEAK--

TUNA, STOP!
THAT REALLY HURTS.

AND YOU CAN'T EVEN
GET AWAY.

TUNA, STOP IT.
REALLY, SERIOUSLY.

OKAY. I MEAN, IT DOESN'T
DO ANY PHYSICAL DAMAGE,

BUT IT MORE HURTS
THEIR FEMININE PRIDE,

WHICH I THINK IS
MUCH WORSE, YOU KNOW?

YOU PISS ME OFF
SO MUCH SOMETIMES.

IF I WERE YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
I'D ANNIHILATE YOU.

I KNOW YOU WOULD BECAUSE
YOU KNOW I COULDN'T HIT BACK.

IT'S A DOUBLE STANDARD.
IT'S COMPLETELY UNFAIR

YOU OKAY?
I'M SORRY.

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T
LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE, LIKE,

PUSHES THE BACK OF MY HEAD
SO--DOWN LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE A MISOGYNIST.

LOOK, I WOULD NEVER
HIT A WOMAN, OKAY,

BUT I'D FUCK A GUY UP
IF I WASN'T A PACIFIST

AND I KNEW HOW TO FIGHT.

WELL...

WHY WOULD YOU HIT DANIEL
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

HE'S, LIKE, THE SWEETEST
GUY IN THE WORLD.

I'VE GOT ISSUES.

I KNOW YOU DO. IT'S LIKE
EVERY TIME DANIEL ASKS YOU

TO A REALLY NICE FANCY
DINNER, YOU GET PISSED OFF

WHEN HE DOESN'T ASK YOU
TO MARRY HIM.

NO.

OR LIKE IF HE'S
IN A GROCERY STORE
AND HE SEES A CHILD,

AND HE SAYS, OH, LOOK
AT THE CUTE LITTLE CHILD,

YOU START FANTASIZING
THAT MAYBE DANIEL'S
READY TO PROCREATE

AND HAVE KIDS, AND
MAYBE HE'S GOING TO
ASK ME TO MARRY HIM.

NO, I DON'T DO THAT.

YOU DON'T DO THAT?

BUT YOU WANT TO
GET MARRIED TO HIM,
OBVIOUSLY, RIGHT?

WELL, YEAH, EVENTUALLY,
BUT YOU KNOW,

I KNOW IT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN, SO I DON'T
LIKE TO DWELL ON IT.

YOU THINK IT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN?

'CAUSE DANIEL TO ME
DOESN'T SEEM LIKE
THE MARRYING TYPE.

DUDE, THAT BOY
WORSHIPS ME.

YEAH, OUT OF FEAR,
YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THE CRUSADES:
WORSHIP JESUS OR DIE.

NO, IT'S LIKE--

HE'S PROBABLY WORRIED
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO
PUNCH HIM IN--

LOOK, IT'S MUTUAL
RESPECT.

IT'S, LIKE,
WE WORSHIP EACH OTHER.

FUCK THAT.
WORSHIP YOURSELF.

SEE, THAT'S WHERE
YOU AND RUSSELL
ARE A LOT ALIKE.

I'M NOTHING
LIKE RUSSELL.

RUSSELL IS A NEOLIBERAL
CAPITALIST SHITHEAD.

HE'S INTO MILTON FRIEDMAN
AND ALL THAT STUFF.

I COMPLETELY AGAINST
ALL OF THAT STUFF.

WELL, I'M IMPRESSED
YOU KNOW WHO MILTON
FRIEDMAN IS.

I ACTUALLY DON'T
REALLY KNOW MUCH ABOUT
MILTON FRIEDMAN AT ALL.

I JUST LIKE
TO NAMEDROP HIM

BECAUSE IT MAKES ME
SOUND SMARTER.

NICE PLACE.

NERVOUS.
DON'T BE.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE
SUCH A LOSER AROUND
RUSSELL, YOU KNOW?

LET'S TALK ABOUT LOUIS.
I'LL FEEL BETTER--

TUNA, YOU'RE BORING
THE HELL OUT OF ME.

REALLY?

YEAH. I MEAN,
MY WHOLE LIFE,

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA.
AND IN ONE AFTERNOON

YOU TURN ME
INTO A NARCOLEPTIC.

JUST HUMOR ME, OKAY?

TELL ME WHAT LOUIS
IS UP TO RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW IT'S NOT
GOING TO BE MUCH,

AND IT'S GOING TO
MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.

YOU SAID HE JOINED A CULT
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

NO, HE DIDN'T JOIN A CULT,
BUT HE'S A MINISTER NOW.

[DOOR BUZZING]

LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

LOOK AT THIS
BEAUTIFUL BOY!

OH!
OH!

GET IN HERE.

LOOK AT THIS
WRETCH FUCKER.

HOW ARE YOU?

I DON'T FUCK WRETCHES
ANYMORE, MY FRIEND.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I HEARD.

YEAH, WHERE DO YOU
GET YOUR INFORMATION?

A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME.

THAT'S WHAT I'M FUCKING
NOW, LITTLE BIRDIES.

WOW. THIS IS--

IT'S COOL, MAN.

LIKE IT? YEAH, I JUST
BOUGHT THE PLACE.

IT'S REALLY NICE,
RUSSELL.

HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY
FOR THE PLACE?

YOU DON'T WASTE
ANY TIME, DO YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU ALSO SEE
MY CREDIT CARD STATEMENTS?

YOU WANT A COLONOSCOPY,
TOO, HUH?

YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU'RE IN GOOD HEALTH,

PLUS I'VE GOT
A POLYP COLLECTION.

I COULD ADD TO IT,
YOU KNOW.

AH, YOU WANT A POLYP.

WHAT'S A POLYP?

YOU MUST BE DOING
VERY WELL WITH YOUR
IPHONE APPLICATION.

YEAH, NOT TOO BAD.

WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY
FOR YOU.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU'RE NOT HAPPY FOR ME.

SURE, I AM. IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M JEALOUS OR ANYTHING.

YEAH. I GOT LUCKY.

YOU EARNED THIS.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I EARNED THIS.

YEAH.

OH, I DON'T HAVE MUCH
OF A TASTE FOR DECORATION,

BUT KRISTIN'S GOING TO HELP
ME OUT WITH THE REST OF IT.

OH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S PRETTY.
THAT'S COOL, MAN.

A TRUCK DEALER DID THIS.

WHERE IS KRISTIN?
WHERE'S ANYBODY?

OH, KRISTIN, SHE
STEPPED OUT WITH AMY.

THERE WAS AN ISSUE WITH
HER CAMERA, OR SOMETHING.

ANDREW'S ON HIS WAY.
DEEDEE JUST GOT OUT

OF THE SHOWER.
SHE'S GETTING READY.

IS AMY STILL TRYING
TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

SHE'S TERRIBLE.
SHE IS.

YOU'RE HORRIBLE.
DON'T SAY THAT.

SHE'S HORRIBLE. EVEN IF
SHE'S GOTTEN BETTER,

SHE'S STILL PROBABLY
REALLY BAD.

WELL, SHE'S
VERY PASSIONATE.

GEORGE BUSH WAS PASSIONATE
ABOUT THE WAR IN IRAQ.

THAT DOESN'T MEAN
IT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

TUNA, BE NICE.
SHE'S SUCH A SWEETIE.

I KNOW SHE'S
A SWEETIE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
MAYBE IF SHE HAD

MORE OF AN EDGE,
HER WORK WOULD GET BETTER.

OH, REALLY, REALLY?
WHAT WILL GIVE

HER PHOTOGRAPHS
THE EDGE SHE NEEDS?

MAYBE SOME NUDITY,
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

WELL, YEAH. SHE COULD
TAKE NUDE PHOTOS OF YOU.

YEAH. ABSOLUTELY NO,
I DON'T THINK SO.

I'M TOO MUCH
OF A PRUDE. YOU KNOW

HOW SOME PEOPLE FUCK
WITH THEIR SHIRTS ON?

I KEEP MINE ON
WHEN I SHOWER.

GOOD STUFF, GOOD STUFF,
GOOD STUFF.

AMY DID THIS, RIGHT?

YEAH.

SEE THIS? SEE WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT?

LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S NOT BAD.

SHE GIVE THIS TO YOU
AS A HOUSEWARMING PRESENT?

YEAH.

AND YOU KEEP IT
IN THERE, RIGHT?

NOT ON THE WALL; IN THERE.
THAT'S WHERE YOU KEEP IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW,
SO...

YOU OVERACHIEVED,
MY FRIEND.

WHERE ARE RICHARD
AND PHOEBE?

OH, THEY'RE TRYING
TO TRACK DOWN ANOTHER
MINISTER.

YEAH, THE GUY WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO DO THE CEREMONY

GOT SICK, OR SOMETHING.

HUH, LET'S HAVE
A DRINK, HUH?

CHEERS, HUH?

BOTH OF YOU LOOK REALLY GREAT.

I FEEL OLD AND TIRED.

I FEEL YOUNG AND STRONG.

YOU DON'T LOOK
YOUNG AND STRONG.

YOU LOOK BALD
AND PUDGY.

YOU LOOK FAT AND TURKISH.

I AM FAT AND TURKISH.

WELL, I'M RICH AND WHITE.

YEAH, BUT NOT
YOUNG AND STRONG.

HOW ABOUT MY TONGUE?
HOW STRONG DOES IT LOOK, HUH?

THAT'S SO GROSS.

IT'S CLASSY.

FUCK CLASS.

I WENT TO AN AUCTION
LAST WEEK WITH A FRIEND.

HAVEN'T BEEN TO AN AUCTION.
I WAS CURIOUS.

THERE WAS A GUY THERE,

PAID $100,000 FOR
A VICTORIAN BOOKCASE.

REALLY?

AND I WAS HAVING
A DRINK WITH HIM LATER.

COULDN'T BELIEVE
HOW HAUGHTY HE WAS.

HE WENT ON FOR AN HOUR,
PRATTLING ON ABOUT

HOW HE SAILED HIS YACHT
DOWN THE WEST COAST,

HOW HE RODE ARABIAN HORSES
PAST THE PYRAMIDS IN EGYPT,

HOW HE ONLY ATE
AT EXPENSIVE RESTAURANTS

BECAUSE HE COULDN'T
STOMACH THE MIDDLE CLASS.

[ALEX] HE ACTUALLY
SAID THAT?

OH, YEAH. HE WAS
A TOTAL BLUE BLOOD,

NEVER WORKED
A DAY IN HIS LIFE.

ANYWAY, AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR,
I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE,

SO I STOOD UP.
I SHOOK HIS HAND.

I SAID IT WAS
A PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

THEN I FARTED AND
WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM.

THAT'S THE STUPIDEST STORY
I EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

OH, SHUT UP.

I LIKE
THAT YOU FARTED.

I WOULD'VE DONE
A WHOLE LOT MORE

HAD MY BOWELS
BEEN FULL.

RUSSELL, I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK YOU,

WHAT'S THE IPHONE
APPLICATION YOU CREATED?

WHAT DOES IT DO?

YEAH, WE WERE
TALKING ABOUT THIS.

IT'S NOT A FARTING
IPHONE APPLICATION,
RIGHT?

A FARTING IPHONE APPLICATION?
NO, NO, NO. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
WEED, BY THE WAY?

UH NO, BUT MY GUY'S ON
HIS WAY OVER.

THE REGULAR GUY. THE GUY COULD
DO THAT OVER THERE, RIGHT?

YEAH, PRECISELY.

[BUZZING]
WHAT THE F--JEEZ!

[LAUGHING]

GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!
WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S MY IPHONE APPLICATION.

BULLSHIT, GET THAT
FUCKING AWAY FROM ME!

I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL
KILL YOUR FUCKING CAT!

I'LL SMASH
HIS FUCKING HEAD IN!

RUSSELL, STOP TAZERING
PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY. ALEX, HEY.

HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S FUCKING
DANGEROUS, RUSSELL.

IT'S FUCKING
DANGEROUS. HEY, TUNA.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOING
TO GO GET CHANGED.
RUSSELL, BEHAVE.

THAT'S YOUR IPHONE
APPLICATION?

IT'S MY IPHONE APPLICATION.
COME AND HAVE A LOOK.

COME ON. COME ON.

COME A LITTLE CLOSER.
THERE WE GO.

PALM SHOCK.

HUH. PEOPLE WILL BUY
ANYTHING, I GUESS.

[ALEX] YOU CAN GET
THAT ON ITUNES?

YEAH, YEAH.
IT'S NOT LEGAL.
IT CAN'T BE LEGAL.

IT'S LEGAL.

HOW IS IT EVEN
POSSIBLE?

WELL, TECHNOLOGY, BABY.
TECHNOLOGY.

20 YEARS FROM NOW,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE

TO SET OFF A NUCLEAR BOMB
WITH ONE OF THESE THINGS.

HELLO!
HELLO!

LOOK AT YOU!

HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE
YOU. YOU LOOK GREAT!

HI!
GOOD TO SEE YOU, HI!

REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
I MEAN, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

YOU ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.

HEY, THERE. LOOK AT YOU,
OLD FRIEND!

HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU'RE IN THE CITY!

EXCELLENT. HELLO, HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HEY, WHAT'S UP THERE, HOMEBOY?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?

YOU GAINED A LITTLE WEIGHT,
TOO. I DON'T FEEL SO BAD.

EVERYONE, DRINKS OVER HERE.

HELP YOURSELF,
AND LET'S PARTY, OKAY?

WOO, PARTY!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS,
IS IT BROKEN?

OH, THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS
IS FUCKED.

WHY DON'T YOU USE
THE MANUAL FOCUS, AMY?

BECAUSE I LIKE
THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS.

YEAH,, BUT YOU KNOW,
PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHERS

THAT I KNOW OF, THEY DIDN'T
USE THE AUTOMATIC FOCUS.

THEY USED MANUAL FOCUS,
I MEAN--

OH, YEAH? HOW MANY PROFESSIONAL
PHOTOGRAPHERS DO YOU KNOW OF?

PERSONALLY I KNOW THEM,
BUT, LIKE, HISTORICALLY,

LIKE, DIANE ARBUS,
SPENCER TUNICK,

ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE,
THEY PREFERRED TO FOCUS

BY HAND, I'M ASSUMING,
BY HAND.

I DON'T KNOW
WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE.

ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE,
YOU KNOW WHO THAT IS.

REALLY? YOU'RE--

WHO WAS HE?

UH, MAPPLETHORPE

WAS BILLY GRAHAM'S
PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

YEAH. YEAH, HE WAS, YEAH.

OKAY. I DIDN'T KNOW BILLY GRAHAM
HAD A PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.

IF YOU GET TO THE STATE
OF NORTH CAROLINA,

YOU'LL SEE MAPPLETHORPES
ALL OVER THE WALLS,

HE WAS A BIG ADMIRER.

AMAZING.

FAMILY PORTRAITS,
MAPPLETHORPE DID THEM ALL.

MAPPLETHORPE WAS VERY
INTERESTING, VERY PROVOCATIVE.

SWEET.

YEAH.

WE DISAGREED
ABOUT EVERYTHING.

WE FOUGHT ABOUT MOVIES,
POLITICS, FOOD.

SHE CRITICIZED ME ABOUT
NOT MAKING ENOUGH MONEY.

SHE CRITICIZED ME ABOUT
VOLUNTEERING ON THE WEEKENDS.

THE DAY WE SIGNED OUR DIVORCE
PAPERS, SHE THREW THE PEN AT ME

AND SHE SAID, "I CAN'T BELIEVE
I MARRIED A COMMUNIST."

WELL, YOU'RE NOT
A COMMUNIST, ARE YOU?

NO, I'M NOT A COMMUNIST.

LIKE, I CARE
ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT.

DOES THAT MAKE ME
A COMMUNIST? NO!

BUT YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

FUCK YOU.
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE.

IF YOU'RE
NOT A COMMUNIST,

WHY DO YOU HAVE A TATTOO
OF KARL MARX ON YOUR TAINT?

IT'S GROUCHO MARX.

ON YOUR TAINT?

I'M JUST SAD YOU'RE
GETTING A DIVORCE.

I DID LIKE AMANDA.

I LIKED HER, TOO.
IT'S JUST SHE BECAME

A RIGHT-WING FANATIC.
I GAVE $500 TO UNICEF

AFTER THE EARTHQUAKE
IN JAPAN.

WE HAD THIS HUGE
FIGHT ABOUT IT. HUGE.

MY GRANDMOTHER'S
LIKE THAT.

SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE
IN PHILANTHROPY

UNLESS IT'S DONE
BY THE BAPTIST CHURCH.

I MEAN, RED CROSS,
UNICEF,

THEY'RE ALL COMMUNIST
ORGANIZATIONS TO HER.

ANYBODY, ANOTHER DRINK?

OH, YES, PLEASE.
UH, WHITE WINE.

I THINK AYN RAND
GOT THIS SHIT RIGHT.

WORK HARD FOR YOURSELF,

EVERYTHING ELSE WILL
FALL INTO PLACE.

WHO'S AYN RAND?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

SHE WROTE
THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

SURE, SURE. WORK HARD,
BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY

RUSSELL, IT'S A BUNCH OF
WHITE MEN SITTING AROUND A ROOM,

DIVVYING UP ALL THE POWER,
AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS SCREWED.

[RUSSELL] YOU
CAN'T SAY THAT.
[TUNA] YOU'RE
A WHITE GUY.

I AGREE WITH ANDREW.
I THINK EVERYBODY'S

JUST RUSHING OFF
TO BECOME A BILLIONAIRE,

AND IT'S BECAUSE
PEOPLE PREFER IAN RA--

AYN RAND.

AYN RAND, AYN RAND,
TO VIKTOR FRANKL.

OH!
I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO HUMANITY?

FUCK VIKTOR FRANKL.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

SIMPLE. YOU TAKE
THE NAME VICTOR FRANKL.

YOU PUT THE WORD FUCK
BEFORE IT.

WELL, FUCK YOU FOR SAYING THAT.

OKAY. I WON'T SAY
FUCK VIKTOR FRANKL.

I WILL SAY FUCK
WHAT HE STOOD FOR.

HE STOOD FOR HUMANITY.

[AMY] WHO'S VIKTOR FRANKL?

HE WROTE A BOOK CALLED
MAN'S SEARCH FOR MEANING.

MADE A TON OF MONEY.

YES, FRANKL'S BOOK
IS ABOUT PUTTING OTHERS
BEFORE YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE PATH
TO RIGHTEOUSNESS,

OKAY, AS OPPOSED
TO AYN RAND,

WHO, YOU KNOW,
ESPOUSED SELFISHNESS.

SHE WHAT?

SHE ESPOUSED SELFISHNESS.

ESPOUSED?

YES, YES,
BLOODY ESPOUSED.

AND SHE WAS BLOODY RIGHT
IN HER ESPOUSAL OF IT.

WE'RE IN AN AGE OF
SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT.

SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IS THAT A WORD?

YOU KNOW IT'S A WORD.
SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT,

YOU KNOW, THE PURSUIT
OF THE SELF.

FRANKL'S IDEA OF
HELPING OTHERS IS DEAD.

IT'S DEAD, IT'S OBSOLETE.

THAT'S JUST
SO NEGATIVE.

NO, IT'S NOT NEGATIVE.
IT'S TRUE!

THE EARTHQUAKE
IN JAPAN, OKAY,

THIS MAY NOT APPLY
TO YOU, RUSSELL,

BUT OTHERS ACTUALLY
WANT TO HELP.

YEAH. PEOPLE HELP.

[TUNA] DID YOU GIVE
ANY MONEY?

WHAT, WHAT? YOU GIVE
$50 TO UNICEF, YOU THINK
YOU'RE HELPING.

BULLSHIT.

I GAVE $500 TO UNICEF.

$500, $5,000, I DON'T CARE
IF YOU GAVE $5 MILLION.

IT'S MEANINGLESS.

GEORGE SOROS, ALBERT
SCHWEITZER, MOTHER TERESA,

YOU THINK THEY'RE DOING
OR DID PHILANTHROPY

OUT OF THE KINDNESS
OF THEIR HEARTS?

THEY WERE DOING IT TO
MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL BETTER.

MARTIN LUTHER KING DIDN'T
GIVE A SHIT ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS.

HE WAS DOING IT ALL
TO GET LAID.

OH, COME ON.

MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
CARED ABOUT CIVIL RIGHTS,

BUT HE DID FUCK
A LOT OF WOMEN.

SAME WITH GANDHI, LIBERAL
DO-GOODY-GOOD BULLSHIT.

IT'S JUST THAT, BULLSHIT;

INSINCERE,
SELF-SERVING BULLSHIT.

AND GANDHI WAS NOT
SELF-SERVING.

HE CARED ABOUT PEOPLE.
HE CARED ABOUT CAUSES, TOO,

BUT HE WAS LOVED
TO MEET WITH GAYS, FAGS.

I MEAN, SEE, I SAY THAT
NOT IN A HOMOPHOBIC,

PEJORATIVE SENSE.
I SAY THAT WITH LOVE

BECAUSE I'M GAY.
WE'RE ALL GAY.

I MEAN GAY IN
A BISEXUAL KIND OF WAY

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S LIKE--

GANDHI WAS GAY.

GANDHI WAS GAY ALL THE WAY.
HE DIDN'T FAST FOR PEACE.

HE GOT SKINNY TO HOOK UP
WITH ALL THE LITTLE TEN
DARK LITTLE INDIAN BOYS.

NUBILES DON'T GIVE
A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT HEDONISM.

WHAT'S THAT?

NUBILES DON'T GIVE
A DAMN ABOUT ANYTHING
BUT HEDONISM.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HEDONISM?

YEAH, HEDONISM I THINK
CAN BE IMPROVED, THOUGH.

HOW?

IT COULD FEEL BETTER.

THEY CARE MORE
ABOUT THEIR LIBIDO

THAN THEY DO ABOUT
SAVING THE WORLD.

AND REPUBLICANS ARE
FUCKING TERRIFIED OF SEX,

IF YOU REALLY CARED
ABOUT CAUSES,

HUNGER, WAR, FAMINE, PUT
UNEDUCATED KIDS ON CRACK,

YOU'D DONATE
HALF YOUR SALARY

TO THE DO-GOODY-GOOD
CAUSE FOUNDATION.

THE DO-GOOD--

WHAT THE FUCK
IS THAT?

THE DO-GOOD WHAT?

THE DO-GOODY-GOODY
CAUSE FOUNDATION.

THE DO-GOODY-GOODY
CAUSE FOUNDATION?

IF YOU WERE TRULY
EARNEST

ABOUT YOUR
GOODY-GOODY CRUSADE,

YOU'D JOIN
THE PEACE CORPS.

CAN WE JUST NOT
SAY GOODY-GOODY,

GOODY ANYMORE?

ONE SECOND, ONE SECOND. HELLO.

HE WOULD DIE
IN THE PEACE CORPS!

OH, GOD,
YOU KNOW RUSSELL.

HE'S SHOWBOATING.
HE WANTS TO SHOCK YOU.

YOU'RE FUCKING DAMN RIGHT,
HE WANTS TO SHOCK PEOPLE.

HAVE YOU SEEN HIS
IPHONE APPLICATION?

I'M GOING TO DOWNLOAD IT
RIGHT NOW, SHOCK HIS NUTS

THE NEXT TIME HE TRIES
TO FUCK WITH ME.

I'M NOT TRYING TO
SHOWBOAT. I'M JUST SAYING

WHAT NO ONE ELSE
WANTS TO SAY.

HUMANITY IS DEAD.

OH, MY GOD.

HUMANITY ISN'T DEAD.
IT'S JUST OUR LIFE'S--

THE TRUTH HURTS. THE TRUTH
HURTS, BUT YOU SEE,

I KNOW THE TRUTH,
AND I'M REVEALING IT,

LIKE A GRAND MAGICIAN
PULLING BACK THE CURTAIN

TO REVEAL THE BIG FAT
ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

THE ONLY BIG FAT
ELEPHANT IN THIS ROOM

IS YOU,
YOU REPUBLICAN FUCK.

SNAP!

HE FUCKED YOU UP, DUDE!

YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT
I'M REPUBLICAN.

OH, YOU FUCKED ME UP
SO BAD. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
GODDAMN RIGHT

I'M A REPUBLICAN,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF YOU HAD
A GUN TO MY HEAD,
I WOULDN'T CONVERT.

OH, IF THEY GAVE YOU
ENOUGH MONEY, I'D BET
YOU COULD.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MONEY.

YOU WOULD TOO
IF THE PRICE WAS RIGHT.

CONVERT TO WHAT?
REPUBLICAN?

YEAH.
FOR MONEY?

NO, I WOULD
NEVER DO THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.
IF SOMEONE SAID

HE HAS A MILLION DOLLARS
FOR EACH REPUBLICAN,

YOU'D DO IT WITHOUT
BATTING AN EYE.

NO, OF COURSE NOT.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE
RICH. I DON'T WANT
TO BE RICH AT ALL.

I AGREE WITH RUSSELL
ON THIS.

OH, COME ON. YOU KNOW
YOU WISH YOU COULD AFFORD

TO BUY A DECENT PAIR OF SHOES.

OOH!

OUCH! I HATE IT
WHEN PEOPLE SAY OUCH,

BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT
BECAUSE, OKAY, MAYBE I WISH

I MADE A LITTLE BIT
MORE MONEY SO I COULD GO

ON DATES AGAIN
WITH HOT BITCHES

WHO JUST ARE, YOU KNOW,
THAT KIND OF THING

'CAUSE I DON'T HAVE
THAT KIND OF MONEY,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE RICH,
AND I NEVER HAVE.

YOU SAID YOURSELF
EARLIER TODAY

YOU WISH YOU HAD
MORE MONEY.

YEAH, A LITTLE BIT
MORE MONEY, SURE.

WHO DOESN'T? BUT I'M
NOT THE KIND OF PERSON

WHO DISOWNS MY COUSIN
JUST BECAUSE HE OWES ME
A FEW DOLLARS, OKAY?

TUNA.

WHO'S YOUR COUSIN?

OH, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU?
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

EVERYONE, THIS IS SIMON.

SIMON, EVERYONE.

SIMON.

SIMON'S A TENANT
AND PAINTER, POET,
PORNOGRAPHER,

ANY OTHER VOCATION
YOU COULD THINK OF

THAT STARTS
WITH THE LETTER P.

WELL, I DON'T MAKE PORN,
BUT I SURE LIKE IT.

[LAUGHING]

YOU GO MAKE YOURSELF A DRINK.

OKAY. WHAT WERE
WE SAYING?

UH, YOU WERE RUNNING
YOUR MOUTH,

AND EVERYONE WAS
DISAGREEING WITH YOU.

WELL, THAT'S HOW IT WORKS.
THE MAJORITY

USUALLY GETS IT WRONG,
JUST LIKE THE LAST ELECTION.

OH, BECAUSE WE VOTED FOR
A PRESIDENT WHO WANTED

TO UNITE THE WORLD INSTEAD OF
DIVIDE IT, RUSSELL? COME ON.

YEAH, AND IF MCCAIN
WAS IN OFFICE RIGHT NOW,

WE'D BE IN A WAR
WITH IRAN RIGHT NOW.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT.

THERE'S NO COMPASSION,
NONE, AND NO HUMANITY.

OH, FUCK HUMANITY.

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

YOU TAKE THE WORD HUMANITY...

I KNOW, I KNOW. YOU PUT
THE WORD FUCK IN FRONT OF IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, I'VE GOT
A STORY ABOUT FUCK HUMANITY.

OH, GOD. HERE WE GO.

YEAH, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
HEY, SIMON, COME SIT. LISTEN UP.

IS THERE GOING
TO BE A TEST?

YOU BET YOUR JUICY ASS
THERE IS.

ANYONE WHO FAILS THIS
IS GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE
DEEDEE A BLOWJOB.

WHO IN THIS ROOM
HAS NOT GIVEN DEEDEE
A BLOWJOB?

I HAVEN'T GIVEN DEEDEE
A BLOWJOB.

OH, YOU HAVE.

WHEN WAS THIS?
DID I MISS THIS?

SO,

I WAS ON VACATION
ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO,

SOMEWHERE IN THE FAR EAST.

DON'T REMEMBER WHERE,

TIBET, BURMA, SAIGON.

I WAS TAKING SO MANY DRUGS,
EVERYTHING'S KIND OF A BLUR.

WHAT KIND OF DRUGS?

OH, JESUS. RED ONES,
BLUE ONES,

A ONE-EYED MEXICAN
SOLD ME A PACK OF PILLS

FILLED WITH LIQUID PCP
MIXED WITH COKE.

MM.

I ALMOST ASTRAL-PROJECTED
INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION.

WAIT, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE IN THE FAR EAST.

I WAS IN THE FAR EAST.

HOW DID A ONE-EYED MEXICAN
SELL YOU DRUGS?

MEXICANS NOT ALLOWED
IN THE FAR EAST?

OH. TOUCHE.

SO, THE CITY
I'M RIDING THROUGH

LOOKS LIKE STALINGRAD,

LIKE KING KONG
HAD A PACK OF LAXATIVES

AND DROPPED A NAGASAKI-SIZED
TURD ON THE PLACE.

I MEAN, BUILDINGS
MADE OF CARDBOARD,

SIDEWALKS SO CRACKED, THEY
LOOKED LIKE SHATTERED GLASS,

POTHOLES THE SIZE OF CRATERS,

TRASH EVERYWHERE--

OKAY, WE GET THE POINT.

NUDE BABIES COVERED IN MUD,
RUNNING THROUGH THE STREET.

I THINK THAT'S WHERE
RICHARD AND PHOEBE

ARE TAKING
THEIR HONEYMOON.

WHERE ARE RICHARD AND PHOEBE
TAKING THEIR HONEYMOON?

WHO FUCKING KNOWS? SO,

I'M RIDING MY NINJA
MOTORBIKE THROUGH THIS TOWN,

COME ACROSS
THIS CROWD OF PEOPLE

THAT ARE STARING UP
AT A BUILDING,

AND THERE'S THIS
COMMOTION, YOU KNOW.

IT'S LIKE THE NEW YORK
STOCK EXCHANGE.

EVERYONE'S SCREAMING,
AND YOU KNOW ALL THAT STUFF,

SO I'M THINKING TO MYSELF,
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

SO I LOOK UP.
THERE'S A LITTLE OLD LADY

STANDING ON A BALCONY.

SHE'S WAVING HER ARMS,
SCREAMING TOO.

I MEAN, SHE'S ON
THE THIRD FLOOR, AND
SHE'S PISSED AS HELL,

LIKE SOMEONE JUST STOLE
HER WONTON SOUP.

[TUNA] THAT'S
RACIST, DUDE.

WHAT ARE YOU ON FOR?

'CAUSE I'M TURKISH
AND A LITTLE HIGH.

WAIT, COME ON. WHAT WAS
SHE SCREAMING ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA. SHE'S
SPEAKING IN CHINESE.

[TUNA] I FUCKED A
CHINESE GIRL LAST NIGHT.

REALLY. WHAT
WAS THAT LIKE?

UH, I DIDN'T FUCK HER.
I JUST FINGERED HER.

WELL, SHE FINGERED ME, ACTUALLY.
WE FINGERED EACH OTHER.

WE JUST DID A LITTLE CHINESE
FINGER TRAP THING. IT WAS--

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

[TUNA] SO YOU'RE
IN CHINA WITH--

I WASN'T IN CHINA.
IT WAS BURMA OR SOMEWHERE.

YOU JUST SAID SHE WAS
SPEAKING CHINESE.

I'VE BEEN TRAVELING
FOR WEEKS.

I COULDN'T TELL NORTH
FROM SOUTH.

THEY WERE SPEAKING
BURMESE OR MAYANESE OR--

MAYANESE?
THAT'S A LANGUAGE?

WAIT, WAS SHE
EATING MAYANESE OR
SPEAKING MAYANESE?

SHE WAS PUTTING IT
ON A SANDWICH, RIGHT?

IS THAT--MUSTARDY.
SHE WAS SPEAKING MUSTARDY.

RUSSELL, MAYBE SHE
WASN'T ASIAN AT ALL.

MAYBE SHE WAS CREAMY ITALIAN.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
OKAY, WELL, STORY'S OVER.

SOMEONE ELSE SPEAK. I'M DONE.

OH, COME ON, RUSSELL.

FOR ONCE, SOMEONE
WANTS TO HEAR WHAT YOU
HAVE TO SAY. COME ON.

NO. I'M TRYING
TO TELL A STORY HERE,

A STORY THAT MIGHT ACTUALLY--
IT WAS ACTUALLY A BIG DEAL.

IT MIGHT ACTUALLY WHAT?

A STORY THAT MIGHT
ACTUALLY CHANGE THE WORLD,
IS THAT WHAT THIS--

VERY DEEP, RUSSELL.

FUCK YOU.
OOH.

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU,
AND FUCK YOU.

YOU DON'T DESERVE
TO HEAR IT.

THIS IS WHERE HE FARTS
AND WALKS OUT OF THE ROOM.

OKAY, RUSSELL, PLEASE DON'T
FART AND WALK OUT OF THE ROOM.

I'M GOING TO FART
ON YOUR FUTURE, BUDDY,

AND WHEN I FART ON YOUR FUTURE,
YOUR FUTURE'S FUCKED.

MY FUTURE'S ALREADY
FUCKED, RUSSELL.

FARTING ON IT MIGHT
ACTUALLY IMPROVE IT.

HOLD ON, EVERYONE.
CONTINUE WITH THIS STORY.

THANK YOU, SIMON.

SO, THE WOMAN
ON THE THIRD FLOOR BALCONY,

SHE'S SCREAMING OUT
TO HIGH HEAVEN.

THE PEOPLE ON THE BALCONIES NEXT
TO HER ARE YELLING BACK AT HER.

THE CROWD ON THE FLOOR ARE
YELLING UP AT HER,

AND THEY'RE WAVING THEIR ARMS,
LIKE THEY'RE SAYING,

"COME ON. DO IT. JUMP."

THE KIDS THERE, THEY'RE
POINTING UP AND LAUGHING.

THERE'S A COP ON THE CORNER.
HE'S WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.

THERE'S A CIGARETTE
DANGLING FROM HIS MOUTH,

AND I SWEAR TO GOD
THE CORNERS OF HIS MOUTH

ARE CURLED UP INTO A SMILE,
AND EVERYONE'S YELLING.

I MEAN, THE SOUND IS, LIKE,
IMPOSSIBLE TO DESCRIBE.

IT'S LIKE THIS THUNDEROUS
CACOPHONY, YOU KNOW,

LIKE A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
BEING BLOWN APART

BY A TORNADO. IT DOESN'T
EVEN SOUND HUMAN.

AND THEN SHE BENDS HER KNEES

AND JUMPS, HEAD FIRST.

OH, GOD.

AND THE CROWD SCATTER,
LIKE BALLS ON A POOL TABLE,

LEAVING A GAP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE SIDEWALK.

AND WHEN SHE LANDS,
THERE'S THIS CRUNCH.

IT'S THE WORST SOUND
I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE.

JESUS.

THERE WAS NO JESUS THERE,
MY FRIEND, NO GOD, NO ALLAH,

NO YAHWEH OR VISHNU
OR MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE.

THIS WAS THE SOUND OF APATHY.

RUSSELL,
THIS IS HORRIBLE.

YES. SO, SHE WAS
CARRYING A BAG,

WHICH MUST HAVE BEEN
HER PURSE

BECAUSE WHEN SHE LANDED
THE WHOLE THING EXPLODED.

ALL THESE COINS WENT FLYING
EVERYWHERE, LIKE A SLOT MACHINE

PUKING UP ITS INSIDES,
AND THE CROWD SCRAMBLE ONTO IT

LIKE KIDS IN A PIÑATA PARTY.
I MEAN, THEY'RE FIGHTING

EACH OTHER TOOTH AND NAIL
FOR A FISTFUL OF COPPER.

WHAT ABOUT THE OLD LADY?

WELL, THAT'S JUST
THE THING, ALEX.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN LOOKING
AT THE OLD LADY. NO ONE IS.

SHE'S WRITING
ON THE GROUND FACE DOWN,

HER ARMS BROKEN.
THERE ARE BONES STICKING OUT.

HER BODY'S BENT OVER
AT THIS WEIRD ANGLE,

LIKE A HUMAN PRETZEL.
I MEAN, IT WAS AWFUL.

I'LL NEVER FORGET IT
AS LONG AS I LIVE.

IT KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT.

I LOOK OVER AT THE COP.

HE TAKES A PUFF
OF HIS CIGARETTE,

SHAKES HIS HEAD, CHUCKLES,

AND THEN HE JUST WALKS AWAY,

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
HE JUST UP AND CALLS IT A DAY.

AND THE CROWD, ONCE THEY'VE
SNATCHED UP ALL THE COINS,

THEY WALK AWAY, TOO,

LEAVING THE LITTLE OLD LADY
ALONE ON THE ASPHALT,

BLEEDING, BARELY BREATHING,

POOL OF BLOOD
SPREADING BENEATH HER

LIKE A DAM THAT'S BURST.

FUCK HUMANITY.

WHEN WAS THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, LAST SUMMER,

WHEN I WAS RIDING MY
MOTORCYCLE ACROSS THE WORLD.

WHERE WERE YOU?

YOU EVER READ
DANTE'S INFERNO?

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO?

WHAT DO YOU THINK I DID?
I GOT ON MY BIKE AND GOT
THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

YOU DIDN'T HELP HER?

WHAT WAS I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.
CPR, SOMETHING?

I'M NOT A PARAMEDIC.

MAYBE CALL AN AMBULANCE?

THERE WAS A COP
RIGHT THERE. HE SAW
THE WHOLE THING.

SO, YOU JUST LET HER DIE.

WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE?

BROUGHT HER BACK TO LIFE WITH
MY FINGER, LIKE E.T., HMM?

I CAN MAKE YOU COME WITH THIS,
BUT I CAN'T RESURRECT ANYONE.

I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT.

WANT ME TO PROVE IT?

NO, THANK YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU USE YOUR
TAZER IPHONE APPLICATION

AND SHOCK HER, LIKE
SHOCK HER A FEW TIMES?

WELL, WHAT WOULD
THAT HAVE DONE?

TUNA, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHOCK HER BACK TO LIFE.
IT WORKED ON FRANKENSTEIN.

YOU'RE SUCH
AN ASSHOLE, RUSSELL.

YOU JUST LEFT HER THERE?

OKAY, I MAY BE AN ASSHOLE
FOR A LOT OF REASONS,

BUT NOT BECAUSE
I LEFT A LITTLE OLD LADY

BLEEDING ON THE SIDEWALK.
I'M IN A STRANGE LAND,

I DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE,
THEY DIDN'T GIVE

A SHIT ABOUT HER.
WHY SHOULD I?

YOU JUST LOOK
THE OTHER WAY.

DAMN RIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU WOULD'VE
BEEN IN AMERICA,

YOU WOULD'VE HELPED HER.

WHY ARE YOU ON THEIR SIDE?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
ON MY SIDE.

WHY?

YOU'RE MY DRUG DEALER.

WELL, I MAY BE
A DRUG DEALER, BUT
I'M NOT A MONSTER.

WHAT A FUCKING MONSTER.

CHRIST, I WAS
IN DANTE'S INFERNO.

BUT HAD YOU BEEN
IN AMERICA, YOU WOULD'VE
DONE SOMETHING, RIGHT?

SURE. I WOULD'VE
CALLED 911, AT LEAST.

I WOULD'VE AT LEAST
YELLED, "HELP!"

WITH SOME SORT OF FAUX URGENCY.

OH, YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT
TO START JERKING OFF MORE.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?

JUST MAKE YOU MORE
LIBERAL, YOU KNOW?

I DON'T WANT TO BE
MORE LIBERAL.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

RUSSELL, I DID READ
THAT LIBERALS JERK OFF
MORE THAN CONSERVATIVES.

YOU DIDN'T READ THAT
'CAUSE IT'S MY THEORY.

I JUST MADE IT UP.

THE POINT HERE, RUSSELL,
THE POINT IS THAT YOU,

IF YOU WERE IN AMERICA,
YOU SAID YOU WOULD'VE
DONE SOMETHING,

WHICH MEANS YOU BELIEVE
IN HUMANITY.

NO. YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.

THE WORLD IS A SELFISH PLACE.

PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT SHIT ANYMORE.

[KNOCKING]

RICHARD!

[CHEERING]

**

AH. I'M GOING TO GET
A DRINK, RUSSELL.

YEAH, YEAH. HELP YOURSELF.
THERE'S SOME BOOZE THERE.

WHAT'S UP?

HI, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
LOOKING GOOD, AS ALWAYS.

THANK YOU.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, I'VE BEEN RUNNING
AROUND LIKE CRAZY,

TRYING TO FIND A MINISTER.

DID YOU FIND ONE?

NO. EVERYBODY'S
OUT OF TOWN.

WHERE'S PHOEBE?

UH, SHE'LL BE UP IN A SECOND.
SHE SPILLED SOME WINE

ON HER DRESS. SHE'S TRYING
TO GET IT OUT.

NO, YEAH, NO, SHE'S GOING TO
GET MARRIED IN A SOILED DRESS.

IT WAS A WEEK.
WHAT HAPPENED?

THE MINISTER BACKED OUT?

NO, NO, NO. HE DIDN'T BACK OUT.
HE GOT INTO AN ACCIDENT.

WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH, THE GUY WHO WAS
GOING TO MARRY US

GOT RUN OVER THIS MORNING.

BY A CAR?

NO, BY A PACK
OF WILD PLATYPUSES.

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW?
ARE YOU CLAIRVOYANT?

YEAH.

HE GOT RUN OVER BY A PACK
OF WILD PLATYPUSES.

PLATYPI. IS THAT CORRECT?
WHAT'S THE PLURAL OF PLATYPUS?

PLATY--PLATYPI?

PLATYPUCCIA?

I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M JOKING ABOUT THIS.

I SHOULD NOT BE
JOKING ABOUT THIS.

THE ACCIDENT WAS ACTUALLY
REALLY BAD. HE BROKE HIS LEG,

AND THEY MIGHT
HAVE TO AMPUTATE IT.

JESUS.

MY DAD LOST HIS LEG
IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT.

OH, PLATYPUS.

THE PLURAL OF PLATYPUS
IS PLATYPUS.

SO, UH, WHAT'S
THE PLAN?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO CALL IT OFF, ARE YOU?

UH, YEAH, NO, YOU GUYS
GOT DRESSED UP FOR NOTHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST--
I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
GET MARRIED.

WHAT?

FREEDOM, FREEDOM.

NO, NO, I WAS JUST KIDDING.
I MEAN, STUFF LIKE THAT.

WHAT I REALLY MEANT TO SAY
WAS FUCK YOU, RUSSELL.

SO, YOU HAVEN'T FOUND
ANYBODY?

NO, NO. IT SEEMS LIKE

EVERYONE WE KNOW
IS UNAVAILABLE.

THERE'S NOT ANYONE?

THERE HAS TO BE SOMEONE.

NO, AND, LIKE, IT WAS
REALLY IMPORTANT FOR US

TO KEEP IT, LIKE, WITHIN
THE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS

TO MAKE SURE IT WAS
AN INTIMATE EXPERIENCE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO
THROUGH WITH THE CEREMONY,

YOU KNOW, PLEDGE YOUR LOVE,
ALL THAT BULLSHIT.

TOMORROW RUN DOWN TO
THE JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
AND DO IT FOR REAL.

NO WAY.

NO, IT HAS TO BE OFFICIAL.

[ANDREW] OH, COME ON.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S GOING
TO LAST OR ANYTHING.

UH, HERE'S A SOLUTION.

UH, GET ALEX'S COUSIN
TO DO IT.

WHAT?

YEAH, UM, LOUIS.

ALEX'S COUSIN LOUIS
IS A MINISTER.

HE COULD DO IT, RIGHT?
I MEAN--

[RICHARD] REALLY?
IS HE IN NEW YORK?

UH, WELL, HE'S--

HE'S IN QUEENS, I THINK.

NO, IT'S HARLEM, ACTUALLY.

YEAH. HE'S A MINISTER,
NOT AN ORDAINED--

I MEAN, HE IS AN ORDAINED
MINISTER. HE'S JUST NOT,

LIKE, A PROFESSIONAL MINISTER,
BUT I REALLY DON'T THINK--

HE'S GREAT, HE'S GREAT!

YOUR COUSIN'S A MINISTER?

HE'S GREAT. WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT HIM

ON THE WAY OVER HERE, AND
IT'S LIKE HE WAS DESTINED

TO MARRY YOU TWO.
YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CALL HIM.

I COULD CALL HIM, I GUESS.

OKAY. I MEAN,
YEAH, TOTALLY!

THIS IS, LIKE, SOMEBODY
YOU CAN TRUST, OR--

WELL, THE THING IS, IS THAT
HE HAS THIS, LIKE--

[TUNA] HE'S GOOD.
HE'S PERFECT.

[RICHARD] OKAY, THEN.
YEAH. LET'S, UH--

LET'S HAVE A WEDDING.

ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERING]

**

* I'VE HAD SOME TIME *

* FOR A WHILE *

* THE PLACES ARE GO
ARE THE PLACES I KNOW *

* I'VE GOT TIME FOR BLISS *

* I'VE BEEN CRYING
MY LIGHTS OUT *

* I SPILLED TEA ON MY SHEETS *

* THE TIME THAT WE SPENT
AT ANGELA'S HOUSE *

* YOU WEREN'T
THIS FAR AWAY FROM ME *

I'M SUCH A KLUTZ.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT
THAT BAD.

WHAT IF IT'S, LIKE,
A SIGN OF SOME SORT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LIKE A WARNING THAT
I SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS?

NO. NO, IT'S A GOOD SIGN.

YOU THINK?
YEAH, OF COURSE.

LIKE A STIGMATA?

EXACTLY LIKE A STIGMATA.

OKAY, THIS IS IT. THIS
IS WHERE WE'LL DO IT.

WE'LL, LIKE, FORM A CIRCLE,

AND THEN WE'LL PUT
THE GUYS ON THIS SIDE

AND JUST STACK THE GIRLS
ON THE OTHER SIDE,

AND THEN PHOEBE AND I WILL
WALK DOWN THE AISLE THERE,

AND WE'LL SAY OUR VOWS
IN THE SHADE OVER THERE.

A LITTLE BORING, HUH?

DO YOU THINK IT'S BORING?
I THINK IT'S SIMPLE.

IT'S SIMPLE, SURE,
BUT BORING.

WELL, IT DOES
GIVE YOU AN INDICATION

OF WHAT YOUR LIFE'S
GOING TO BE LIKE.

HMM. YEAH? WHAT'S YOUR
LIFE GOING TO BE LIKE

WHEN YOU'RE 80 AND ALONE ON
CHRISTMAS DAY? BECAUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO BE BESIDE
MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

SURROUNDED BY OUR LOVELY
CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN,

OPENING PRESENTS
BENEATH THE TREE.

MM, YEAH.
I HATE CHILDREN,

I HATE CHRISTMAS,
AND I PLAN ON BEING
DEAD BY 80.

MM, OKAY. WELL,
DO YOU HATE THIS?

OH, NO, I LOVE THAT.

OKAY, YOU LIKE THAT.
WHAT ABOUT THAT?

YOU LIKE THAT?
YOU LIKE THAT?

IS LOUIS THE COUSIN
WITH THE BAD TEETH?

THEY WERE, BUT
THEY'RE FINE NOW.

OKAY, BUT IS HE
REALLY A MINISTER?

YEAH.

WELL, IS ANYBODY
REALLY A MINISTER?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, IF GOD--

GOD PROBABLY DOESN'T
EXIST, RIGHT?

SO, IF MINISTERS PREACH
IN THE NAME OF GOD,

THEN THEY'RE BOGUS.

THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT ALL MARRIAGES
UNDER GOD ARE BOGUS.

THERE YOU GO, ANDREW.

YOUR MARRIAGE WAS
PROBABLY ILLEGITIMATE.

IT CERTAINLY
FELT THAT WAY.

ARE YOU DIVORCED?

NO. GOING THROUGH
A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW.

OH. YEAH. ME, TOO.
CONGRATULATIONS.

UH, I'M NOT SURE
THAT CONGRATULATIONS

ARE IN ORDER, BUT THANKS.

I'M SURE THEY ARE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FREE NOW.

IT'S LIKE BEING RELEASED
FROM PRISON, ISN'T IT?

I'VE NEVER BEEN
ARRESTED. I DON'T KNOW.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
GET YOUR NAME.

I DIDN'T MEAN
TO BE RUDE.
OH, I'M TACO.

TACO?

TACO, YEAH,
LIKE THE TACO.

I WAS ROOMMATES
WITH RICHARD IN COLLEGE.

OKAY.

CHECK OUT KRISTIN'S
BOOTY IN THAT DRESS.

YOU WERE ALL
UP IN THAT SHIT

BACK IN THE DAY,
WEREN'T YOU?

FOR A LITTLE WHILE. AH--

I WASN'T ALL UP
IN THAT SHIT. I MEAN,

WE WERE CONSERVATIVE WITH
OUR UP IN THE SHIT STUFF.

IS THAT A EUPHEMISM
FOR ANAL SEX?

NO, I WOULDN'T CALL
UP IN THE SHIT

A EUPHEMISM, NO.
WHAT ABOUT AMY?

SHE'S NOT BAD. SHE'S GOT
A NICE LITTLE ASS, TOO,

DON'T YOU THINK?

WHAT ARE YOU,
A PROCTOLOGIST?

I'M AN ASS MAN.
YOU KNOW THAT ABOUT ME.

SHE PISSES ME OFF,
THOUGH.

WHY?

DID YOU HEAR THAT
BULLSHIT COMMENT SHE
MADE ABOUT MY SHOES?

NO, WHAT DID SHE SAY
ABOUT YOUR SHOES?

SHE SAID I'M ON WELFARE,
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

WHAT?
YEAH.

WHO IS THAT?

LING XIE. WHO
THE FUCK IS LING XIE?

OH, THIS IS THE GIRL
I HAD SEX WITH LAST NIGHT.

WHAT? YOU DIDN'T
SERIOUSLY

SLEEP WITH A 21-YEAR-OLD
CHINESE GIRL LAST NIGHT.

WHY IS THAT SO HARD
TO BELIEVE?

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE KIDDING.

I'M A GOOD-LOOKING
GUY, AM I NOT?

NO COMMENT.

UM, YOU KNOW, SOMEONE
ONCE TOLD ME I LOOK
LIKE JOHNNY DEPP.

YOU THINK
I'M AN UGLY FUCKER.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
YOU DO NEED TO CLEAN
YOUR TEETH, THOUGH.

UH, AMY, HEY.
GIVE IT A BREAK, OKAY?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU DON'T LIKE HAVING
YOUR PICTURE TAKEN.

I DON'T, ACTUALLY.

YOU KNOW, IN SOME CULTURES
THEY BELIEVE WHEN YOU HAVE

YOUR PHOTO TAKEN, YOU LOSE
A LITTLE BIT OF YOUR SOUL.

OH, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M SERIOUS.

GO AND TAKE
AN ARTSY PICTURE

OF THAT LEAF, OR SOMETHING.
YOU NEED THE TRAINING.

WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED
TO MEAN?

RUSSELL, COME HERE.
WE NEED YOU.

STAND HERE AND PRETEND
TO BE THE MINISTER.

WHY DIDN'T YOU
HIRE SOMEONE TO PLAN
THIS THING?

BECAUSE WE WANTED TO
BE SPONTANEOUS, OKAY?

CAN YOU JUST--

THERE'S NO STRUCTURE.
IT'S DISORGANIZED.

IT'S GOING TO BE
A DISASTER.

NO, IT'S NOT.
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.

YEAH, IT'S GOING
TO BE GOOD.

AW, YOU GUYS ARE
SO CUTE TOGETHER.

YOU SAY THAT NOW.
GIVE IT 10 YEARS.

HEY, YOU KEEP THAT IN YOUR
MOUTH FOR THE HONEYMOON.

UH, RICHARD WOULDN'T WANT
ANYBODY TO KNOW THIS,

BUT, UH, WHEN
WE WERE IN COLLEGE,

I LOANED HIM MONEY
TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION.

TWICE.

SAME ABORTION TWICE, OR
TWO SEPARATE ABORTIONS?

UH, MY EX-WIFE,
MY SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE,

SHE IS ACTUALLY
TRYING TO SUE ME

FOR HAVING TALKED HER
INTO AN ABORTION.

LIKE YEARS AGO, YEAH.

HOW DOES THAT WORK?

WELL, SHE SAYS
I PREVENTED HER

FROM HAVING A CHILD,
SO NOW SHE'S TRYING

TO COLLECT
CHILD SUPPORT

FOR THE CHILD
SHE NEVER HAD.

OOH. THAT'S LOUIS,
MAYBE.

OH, NO.
OH, IT'S DANIEL.

HI, MY DEAR.

YEAH?

[RUSSELL] ARE YOU GUYS
STILL HAVING SEX,

OR HAVE YOU PUT IT OFF
FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS

'CAUSE YOU SOMEHOW THINK
IT'S GOING TO MAKE

THE SEX ON THE WEDDING NIGHT
FEEL MORE SPECIAL?

THAT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WELL, I NEVER
UNDERSTOOD THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? ABSTAINING
FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

IS GOING TO MAKE
THE SEX FEEL BRAND-NEW.

THE HYMEN DOESN'T
GROW BACK, PHOEBE.

COME ON, JUST SAY
THE CLOSING PART.

WHAT CLOSING PART?

THE, LIKE, I DO,
YOU KNOW, PRONOUNCE YOU,
STUFF LIKE THAT.

OH, OKAY. OH, YEAH.
OKAY. SO, IN FRONT

OF ALL THESE LOSERS,
CATAMITES, REPROBATES,

AND WITH GODDAMN GOD
AS OUR WITNESS,

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU
MOTHERFUCKERS

MOTHERFUCKING
HUSBAND AND WIFE.

THAT'S REALLY BEAUTIFUL,
RUSSELL. THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THAT REMINDS ME.

WE'VE GOT TO REMEMBER
TO TELL ALEX'S COUSIN

TO KEEP GOD
OUT OF THE CEREMONY.

NO, I DIDN'T AGREE TO THAT.

WE, WE--DID WE NOT
TALK ABOUT THIS?

I THOUGHT WE AGREED
THAT WE'RE GOING

TO KEEP GOD
OUT OF IT.

NO, WE AGREED
THAT GOD WOULD STAY.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY DON'T--

WHY DO YOU NEED GOD,
WHEN YOU HAVE ME?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST SOUTH
OF BELVEDERE CASTLE,

AND I EMAILED YOU A PIN,
AND YOU'LL KNOW WHERE WE ARE.

I'LL SEE YOU IN A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY. BYE.

YOU'VE GOT A TAG
ON YOUR PANTS.

WHAT DID YOUR
CONCUBINE WANT?

SHE'S ON HER WAY
OVER HERE, ACTUALLY.

SHE'S COMING
TO THE WEDDING.

YEAH. I TOLD HER
TO BRING HER CAMERA.

I TOLD HER WE NEED A
WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER, SO.

WHAT ABOUT AMY?

AMY'S NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER.

DEFINITELY NOT
A WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER.

DID YOU REALLY
HAVE SEX

WITH A 21-YEAR-OLD
ASIAN GIRL LAST NIGHT?

WELL, YOU GUYS
MAKE HER SOUND LIKE

A SIDESHOW ATTRACTION,
YOU KNOW.

SHE'S NOT JUST SOME
21-YEAR-OLD CHINESE GIRL

THAT I HAD SEX WITH.
SHE'S A REAL PERSON,

FLESH AND BLOOD,
LIKE YOU OR ME.

BUT I DID TAKE A RIDE
TO CHINATOWN LAST NIGHT.

LIKE I SAID,
I DID A PLUG, A PLUG--

YOU KNOW, YEAH,
MADE A HAT THAT I--

I WENT FOR IT.
IT WAS GOOD STUFF,

AND STRADDLED
MY GREAT WALL--

OH, DON'T STOP.
COME ON, KEEP IT COMING.

ACTUALLY,
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU

I WAS SO WASTED,
I DON'T EVEN THINK

WE CONSUMMATED. I DON'T
THINK I GOT IT UP,

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
NOT THAT I HAVE ERECTILE--

YOU'RE JUST
LIKE WOODY ALLEN.

WHY IS THAT? DOES
HE HAVE ERECTILE
DYSFUNCTION?

PROBABLY,
BUT HE WAS OLD,

AND HE MARRIED THAT REALLY
YOUNG CHINESE CHICK.

WHAT WAS HER NAME?

UH, SOON-YI.

SHE'S NOT CHINESE.
SHE'S KOREAN.

WHATEVER.
THE POINT IS

SHE WAS A LOT
YOUNGER THAN HIM.

LOOK, I'M 39. THIS
GIRL'S 21 YEARS OLD.

IT'S NOT THAT BIG
OF A DIFFERENCE.

I'M NOT RELATED
TO HER EITHER,

SO THERE'S NOT
THAT FACTOR.

YEAH. SOON-YI WAS 22
WHEN SHE MARRIED WOODY ALLEN,

AND THEY'RE NOT RELATED
BY BLOOD.

SHE'S NOT--HE WAS NEVER
EVEN LEGALLY HER STEPFATHER.

NO, I THOUGHT WOODY ALLEN
MARRIED MIA FARROW.

NO, NO. THEY NEVER
GOT MARRIED.

REALLY?

WELL, HOW OLD
WAS WOODY ALLEN

WHEN HE MARRIED
"SOON-YE"?

SOON-YI, SOON-YI.
ALLEN WAS 56,

SOON-YI 22. THAT'S A
DIFFERENCE OF 34 YEARS.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

HE DIDN'T EVEN
HAVE TO GOOGLE THAT.

YEAH, BUT WHY DO
YOU KNOW SO MUCH
ABOUT THIS?

I'M OBSESSED
WITH SOON-YI.

WHY?

I SLEPT WITH MY ADOPTED
DAUGHTER AS WELL.

THAT'S WHY I'M GETTING
A DIVORCE.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU FELT THAT WAY?

MY TEMPER? COME ON,
YOU KNOW--

[GROANING]

I ONLY GET ANGRY BECAUSE
OF THE DUMB SHIT YOU DO.

WHAT DO YOU--YOU'RE JUST
GOING TO STAY DOWN THERE.

WHAT ABOUT ALL YOUR STUFF?
YOU--

WELL, JUST, I DON'T KNOW,
SAY SOMETHING COMFORTING.

HEY, ALEX!

ALEX, I'M HERE!

I'M READY
FOR THE WEDDING.

UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST--

THIS IS REALLY
BAD TIMING.

[TUNA] OH, THERE'S LOUIS.

[DEEDEE] HE SHOWED UP?

HE'S NOTHING LIKE
I EXPECTED HIM TO BE.

YOU STILL
EXPECT THINGS?

HE KIND OF LOOKS
LIKE MY THIRD-GRADE
MATH TEACHER,

MR. BLACKWELL. HE'S
A REALLY SWEET GUY.

OH, DID YOU FUCK
HIS DICK?

I DIDN'T START FUCKING
TILL THE FOURTH GRADE, TUNA.

REALLY? I HATED
MY THIRD-GRADE
MATH TEACHER.

OH, YOU REMEMBER YOUR
THIRD-GRADE MATH TEACHER?

YEAH, MR. CROTTY. I
HATED THAT MISERABLE
PIECE OF SHIT.

HE WAS A FUCKING
ASSHOLE.

WHY?

HE WAS A SHITTY
TEACHER. I LOVED MATH

UP UNTIL THE THIRD GRADE.
AFTER MR. CROTTY'S CLASS,

I HAD NO INTEREST
IN IT WHATSOEVER,

AND IF IT WASN'T FOR HIM,
I WOULD'VE GONE ON

TO BE A SUCCESSFUL PHYSICIST
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

OR A MATH TEACHER?

YOU CANNOT JUST BREAK UP
WITH SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY YELL,

ESPECIALLY BECAUSE--
IT'S HEREDITARY.

YELLING ISN'T HEREDITARY.
IT'S A PRODUCT OF INSECURITY.

MY PARENTS WERE GREEK, OKAY?

HEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY OTHER WAY
TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER.

ALEX, YOU HAVE TO
TRY NOT TO GET SO UPSET
ALL THE TIME.

IS THAT DANIEL?
I HAVEN'T SPOKEN
TO HIM IN FOREVER.

OH, MY--

HEY, DANIEL.
IT'S LOUIS. YEAH.

OH, HEY.
IS THAT HER?

THE 21-YEAR-OLD
CHINESE GIRL YOU
FUCKED LAST NIGHT?

THAT'S FUCKED, YEAH.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

[AMY] WHO IS TUNA
TALKING TO?

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I LIKE HER.

DOES HE KNOW HER?

YEAH, I THINK THEY
JUST MET LAST NIGHT.

OH. DID HE
HOOK UP WITH HER?

I HEARD HIM SAYING
SOMETHING

ABOUT HOOKING UP
WITH A CHINESE GIRL.

OH, I THOUGHT HE WAS
JOKING ABOUT THAT.

WHY IS SHE CARRYING
A CAMERA?

I WANT TO FUCK
A CHINESE GIRL.

YEAH, WELL, WE ALL DO,
BUT I THINK WE NEED

TO GET THE SHOW
ON THE ROAD.

IT'S GOING TO, LIKE,
RAIN ANY SECOND.

HAS ANYBODY SEEN
ALEX'S COUSIN? IS
THAT GUY HERE YET?

YEAH, SHE'S TALKING
TO HIM RIGHT NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WE ALL DO?

WHAT?

WHEN RUSSELL SAID,
"I WANT TO FUCK
A CHINESE GIRL,"

YOU SAID, "WE ALL DO."

I SAID THAT?
AH. I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T--
I DON'T KNOW. NO.

I DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING.

WELL, HOW DID YOU MEAN IT?

I DIDN'T.
I WASN'T THINKING.

I JUST SAID IT.

AM I NOT CHINESE
ENOUGH FOR YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE NOT CHINESE
AT ALL.

WELL, IS THAT GOING
TO BE A PROBLEM?

[LOUIS] THAT'S
EXACTLY RIGHT, DANIEL.

IF YOU FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH
SOMEBODY, YOU HAVE TO MOVE ON.

NO, NO. YOU HAVE NOTHING
TO BE ASHAMED OF.

IT'S, IT'S GOOD
THAT YOU LEFT.

YOU SHOULD NEVER
STRING SOMEBODY ALONG.

YOU JUST CUT 'EM LOOSE
AND MOVE ON. THEY'LL ADAPT.

IT'S--YEAH, OH,

IT'S LIKE THAT BOOK,
WHO MOVED MY CHEESE.

YEAH. [CHUCKLING]
YEAH, YEAH.

I KNOW. ISN'T IT GREAT?
YEAH. I MEAN,

IT'S NOT AS GREAT AS THE BIBLE,
BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE AS LONG

TO READ EITHER, DOES IT? OH.

OH, DANIEL. IT'S SO GOOD
TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YOU LATER,
DANIEL. BYE-BYE.

ALEX, YOUR BOYFRIEND
IS COOL.

DANIEL? HE HUNG UP.

OH, DID HE? I'M SORRY.

YEAH. THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN CALL HIM
BACK. YOU NEED HIS NUMBER?

I GUESS YOU ALREADY HAVE
HIS NUMBER, HUH?

I'M NOT ATTRACTED
TO CHINESE WOMEN.

BULLSHIT. WHAT'S
YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?

UH, SNOOPY COME HOME?

IT'S THE JOY LUCK CLUB.

NO, IT'S REALLY
SNOOPY COME HOME.

THAT'S WHY YOU WANTED ME
TO DRESS UP LIKE A GEISHA

FOR HALLOWEEN, AND YOU
BOUGHT ME THAT KIMONO
FOR CHRISTMAS?

AND KABUKI DUKI.
OH, GOD, KABUKI DUKI.

COME HERE.

IT'S ALL MAKING SENSE.
DON'T TOUCH ME.

WHAT THE FUCK'S
KABUKI DUKI?

LOUIS, FINALLY.
THANK GOD.

YES, PRAISE GOD.

NO, NO PRAISING
GOD, OKAY? UH--

OH, OKAY.

ESPECIALLY DURING
THE CEREMONY.

ALL RIGHT.

HI. I'M LOUIS.

HI, LEWIS.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M RICHARD.

THIS IS MY FIANCEE
PHOEBE.

HI, LOUIS. THANK YOU
FOR AGREEING TO DO THIS,

AND YOU COULD
TALK ABOUT GOD AS
MUCH AS YOU WANT.

RICHARD MIGHT PREFER
THAT YOU TALK ABOUT
THE DAO DE JING,

BUT GOD WILL DO
JUST FINE.

WELL, IF WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A
WEDDING CEREMONY,

IT'S PROBABLY BEST
THAT WE SPEAK OF
THE HOLY SPIRIT.

NO, IT REALLY ISN'T.

OH.

NO, IF LOUIS WANTS
TO TALK ABOUT GOD,

HE'S GOING TO TALK ABOUT GOD.

OKAY. JUST DON'T
TALK ABOUT JESUS.

NO HOLY GHOST,
NO HOLY SPIRIT.

I'M NOT A CHRISTIAN.

[PHOEBE] I'M NOT EITHER.

RIGHT. THAT'S
MY POINT, ACTUALLY.

YOU'RE NOT
CHRISTIANS?

NO.
WHY NOT?

OH, GOD.

YES,
PRAISE GOD.

SEE, THIS IS EXACTLY
WHY I'M NOT INTO RELIGION.

IT JUST SCREWS
EVERYTHING UP.

ARE YOU SMOKING
A JOINT?

NO.

IS IT RAINING?
DID I JUST FEEL
A DROP?

AND WHO ARE YOU?

OH, HEY, I'M TACO.

TACO, LIKE--

YEAH, LIKE THE TACO.

[TUNA] HEY, EVERYBODY.
HEY, EVERYONE.

UH, THIS IS LING XIE.

LINDSAY.

LING XIE, RIGHT.

IT'S JUST LINDSAY.
LINDSAY.

JUST LINDSAY?

YEAH.

THIS IS LINDSAY,
EVERYONE.

HI, EVERYONE.

[AMY] WHY DID
YOU BRING A CAMERA?

OH, I JUST THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA

TO HAVE AN EXTRA
PHOTOGRAPHER, YOU KNOW,

KIND OF LIKE HAVING
AN EXTRA PAIR OF SHOES:

AN EXPENSIVE PAIR
AND A CHEAP PAIR.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

UH, CAN WE GET THE SHOW
ON THE ROAD, GUYS?

CAN WE JUST--CAN WE START TO...

WE NEED BEAUTIFUL
PICTURES HERE

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT REALLY
GETTING WHAT WE NEED.

UH, SO JUST TAKE SOME
PICTURES AROUND HERE.

IT WILL BE GREAT,
IT WILL BE GREAT.

LOUIS, MY MAN!

HOW'S IT GOING?

PRAISE GOD. MY NAME'S LOUIS.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M TUNA.

TUNA, NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE'VE MET.
WE KNOW EACH OTHER.

WE MET A LONG TIME AGO.
OH, OKAY.

WE TOOK THAT
BEACH TRIP YEARS AGO.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

I DON'T. I'M SORRY.

CAN I ASK YOU
A QUESTION?

YEAH, SURE.

I NOTICED
SOMEONE OVER THERE
SMOKING MARIJUANA.

YEAH. IS THAT GOING
TO BE A PROBLEM?

NOT AT ALL. I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU HAVE ANY CRACK.

CRACK?
YEAH.

CRACK COCAINE?

THAT'S RIGHT.

NO, NO, WE DON'T,
BUT WE COULD PROBABLY
WHIP SOME UP.

I MEAN, IF POOR, UNEDUCATED
PEOPLE CAN MAKE CRACK,

WE COULD WHIP UP A BATCH
NO PROBLEM, SURE, WHY NOT?

YEAH.

YOU DON'T REALLY THINK
WE HAVE TIME TO MAKE CRACK
RIGHT NOW, DO WE?

TUNA!

YEAH.

COME HERE, MAN.
LOUIS, LET'S GO.

YOU'RE JUST KIDDING ME
ABOUT THAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU DON'T
REALLY WANT TO DO CRACK.

YOU'RE FUCKING AROUND,
RIGHT?

WELL, IT DOES HELP
CALM ME DOWN.

[AMY] I NEED YOU
TO CALL ME BACK.

JUST CALL ME BACK,
OKAY?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

OKAY, SO YEAH, WHY
DON'T YOU BE HERE...

WHERE'S ALEX?

I THINK SHE NEEDED
A MOMENT ALONE.

HERE. ANDREW.

ALEX!

ALEX!

ALEX, WE'VE
GOT TO GO. COME ON!

**

LOUIS, YOU'RE
NOT GOING TO READ

FROM THE BIBLE,
ARE YOU?

OH, IT'S NOT THE BIBLE.
IT'S JUST A BOOK I'VE BEEN

READING ON THE SUBWAY.
IT'S CALLED GHOSTS.

OH, YEAH, GHOSTS.
I LIKE THAT BOOK.

OH, WHAT'S IT
ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT GHOSTS.

OKAY, THAT'S FINE.
THAT'S FINE.

GUYS.
WE'RE JUST GOING
TO DO THE...

OKAY. SO, WE'RE
GATHERED TOGETHER HERE

IN FRONT OF GOD--

LEWIS.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK
ABOUT GOD.

NO, YOU CAN TALK
ABOUT GOD.

OH, WE CAN'T
'CAUSE HE'S TELLING
ME THAT I CAN'T.

IT'S OKAY. JUST
TONE IT DOWN A LITTLE.

OKAY. SO, WE'VE BEEN
BROUGHT TOGETHER,

TODAY, TO WITNESS
RICHARD AND PHOEBE

PLEDGE THEIR LOVE
TO EACH OTHER

IN THE SACRED UNION
OF MARRIAGE.

I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO
HAVE BEEN BROUGHT HERE

TO SHARE IN THIS UNION.

IT'S ALWAYS LIFE-AFFIRMING
TO EXPERIENCE

THE LOVE OF TWO PEOPLE.
IT MAKES YOU BELIEVE

IN SOMETHING BIGGER
THAN OURSELVES.

NOT GOD NECESSARILY,
THOUGH I BELIEVE IN GOD.

GOD SAVED MY LIFE WHEN I WAS
AT THE LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE.

WHEN I WAS ALONE, AND
I HAD NO ONE TO TURN TO,

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS
STICK A NEEDLE IN MY ARM

AND SHOOT HEROIN
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT.

THEY DON'T NEED
TO KNOW THAT, LOUIS.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS
A HEROIN ADDICT.

[LOUIS] I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT LOVE IS A POWERFUL THING,

AND IT WAS GOD'S LOVE
THAT SAVED ME.

COULD YOU JUST, LIKE,
NOT SAY ALL THIS STUFF?

JUST SAY THE GODDAMN BULLSHIT

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY
AND DO IT.

ALEX, HE'S DOING
THE BEST HE CAN.

FUCK YOU.

LOOK, I APPRECIATE HOW HONEST
AND OPEN YOU'RE ALL BEING

WITH EACH OTHER, BUT,
YOU KNOW, IT'S ABOUT TO POUR,

AND WE NEED TO GET ON
WITH THE CEREMONY.

I AGREE
WITH MY HUSBAND.

HE'S NOT
YOUR HUSBAND YET.

[AMY] LISTEN, BITCH.
YOU'D BETTER GET OUT OF MY WAY

BEFORE I KNOCK YOU
BACK TO BEIJING.

I'M FROM CALIFORNIA, BITCH.

WOULD SOMEBODY JUST TELL THIS
BITCH TO STAND OVER THERE?

UH, LING XIE, WOULD YOU
PLEASE JUST STAND OVER THERE,

SO THAT SHE CAN PRETEND
TO BE A PHOTOGRAPHER?

[RICHARD] OKAY,
CAN WE MOVE ON NOW?
ARE YOU DONE? TUNA?

YES, SIR.
OKAY, GREAT.

UH, THANKS. LOUIS,
YOU CAN CONTINUE.

OKAY, I'M SORRY. I'M JUST
A LITTLE BIT NERVOUS.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

WELL, THANKS.
I'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE,

AND I REALLY WANT TO
DO A GOOD JOB.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE
NEVER DONE IT BEFORE?

I'VE NEVER MARRIED
ANYONE BEFORE.

BUT ALEX SAID THAT
YOU WERE A MINISTER.

NO, I DRIVE
A SCHOOL BUS.

LOUIS, YOU SAID YOU WERE
AN ORDAINED MINISTER,

OR DID YOU LIE TO ME
ABOUT THAT LIKE YOU LIED TO ME

ABOUT THE MONEY YOU WERE
GOING TO PAY ME BACK?

I PAID YOU BACK.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

I SAID I PAID YOU BACK.

YOU DIDN'T PAY ME BACK
SHIT, YOU FAT FUCK.

I DON'T THINK I'D FORGET
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

UM, YOU DID FORGET
OUR BASE TRIP,

AND THAT WAS
AN AWESOME TRIP.

OKAY, LOUIS, ARE YOU OR ARE
YOU NOT AN ORDAINED MINISTER?

IT'S NOT HOW I MAKE
MY LIVING, BUT YES,
I'M ORDAINED.

DID YOU GO
TO SEMINARY?

[LOUIS] NO, I GOT
A CERTIFICATE ONLINE.

OKAY, THAT'S REAL?
YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT?

YEAH. YOU CAN DO IT.
IT'S REAL EASY.

I CAN SHOW YOU
AFTER THE CEREMONY.

HE'S GOT THE PROPER
PAPERWORK.

DON'T YOU HAVE
THE PROPER PAPERWORK?

WHAT PAPERWORK WAS I
SUPPOSED TO HAVE?

THE MARRIAGE
CERTIFICATE, DICKHEAD.

NO, I'M SORRY.
I DON'T HAVE THAT.

YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD!

ALEX, THAT
IS REALLY UNCOOL.

GO BLOW UP A BUILDING,
YOU JIHADIST PIECE OF SHIT.

OKAY, LISTEN, OKAY.
WE HAVE THE CERTIFICATES

ALL RIGHT? WE'LL SIGN THEM.
LOUIS WILL SIGN THEM, AND

WE'LL TAKE THEM DOWN
TO CITY HALL AND HAVE THEM
REGISTERED TOMORROW.

EVERYTHING IS GOING TO
BE LEGAL. ALL RIGHT, ALEX?

YEAH. LET'S JUST
GET THIS OVER WITH

SO I CAN GO HOME
AND KILL MYSELF.

HOW ARE YOU GOING
TO DO IT?

IT'S A MURDER-SUICIDE,
AND I'M CAPPING YOU FIRST,
YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER.

I DON'T THINK PEOPLE
SHOULD JOKE ABOUT SUICIDE

ON A DAY THAT'S
ALREADY SO GLUM.

I AGREE.

MY UNCLE COMMITTED
SUICIDE.

IT WAS
A HORRIBLE TIME.

DO YOU REMEMBER,
ALEX?

YEAH. I FOUND THE BODY.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
WASN'T HE, ALEX?

YEAH.

HE LOVED YOU A LOT.

DON'T BUTTER ME UP,

BUTTERBALL, JUST 'CAUSE
YOU STOLE MY MONEY.

I DIDN'T STEAL IT.

YOU'RE A FUCKING
LOSER.

YOU'RE RIGHT, ALEX.
I AM A LOSER.

I'M JUST THANKFUL
THAT I'VE BEEN GIVEN
A SECOND CHANCE.

I THINK EVERYONE
SHOULD BE THANKFUL

FOR WHAT THEY HAVE
IN LIFE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE PRETTIER
THAN OTHER PEOPLE,

SOME PEOPLE ARE SMARTER,

SOME PEOPLE ARE THIN,

SOME PEOPLE ARE FAT
LIKE ME,

SOME PEOPLE ARE RICH,
SOME PEOPLE ARE POOR,

SOME PEOPLE ARE BORN SICK,

AND SOME PEOPLE LIVE TO BE 100.

WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT,
BUT WE'RE ALL CONNECTED

IN A MIRACULOUS WAY, AND
I THINK THIS CONNECTION

IS LOVE. I THINK THAT'S
WHAT FRIENDSHIP'S
ALL ABOUT.

DON'T YOU, ALEX?

STOP SINGLING ME OUT
AND JUST FOCUS

ON THE HAPPY BULLSHIT
FAGGOT COUPLE, OKAY?

PHOEBE, WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP IS ALL ABOUT?

UM, FRIENDSHIP
IS ABOUT LOVE.

RICHARD, WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

LOVE, OF COURSE.
ALL THE WAY.

TUNA--

COME ON! YOU'RE GOING
TO ASK EVERYBODY HERE

WHAT LOVE IS?
I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS?

THIS IS GAYER
THAN AN EPISODE

OF SUCK MY DICK,
I'M GAY, OKAY?

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH!

IS THERE REALLY
A TV SHOW CALLED
SUCK MY DICK, I'M GAY?

I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH
AN EPISODE OF THAT SHOW.

I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT KABUKI DUKI MEANS.

[PHOEBE] OKAY,
GUYS, PLEASE.

CAN WE STOP THE RIDICULOUS
FOR FIVE MINUTES?

FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT LOVE,
OF COURSE, ABSOLUTELY,

BUT I THINK IT'S ALSO ABOUT--
REAL FRIENDSHIP,

IT'S ABOUT RIDICULE, 'CAUSE IF
YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT SOMEONE,

YOU MAKE FUN OF THEM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

OH, UM, I THINK FRIENDSHIP
IS ABOUT HONESTY.

THAT'S RIGHT. FRIENDSHIP
IS ABOUT HONESTY.

IT'S ALSO ABOUT TRUST.

THAT'S RIGHT, TRUST.

RIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T
TRUST THE ONE THAT YOU'RE WITH,

THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

LET ME JUST ADD THAT
IF YOU TRUST SOMEONE,

THEN THERE'S NO REASON
TO BE JEALOUS,

WHICH WILL LEAD TO
SOMEBODY CHEATING, SO.

YEAH. YOU WITH THE CAMERA.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

OH. YEAH, FRIENDSHIP'S
ABOUT LOVE AND HONESTY

AND ALL THAT SHIT.

HOW ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP'S ALL ABOUT?

HUMANITY.
CHRIST.

CHRIST COULD BE
YOUR FRIEND.

NO. I MEAN CHRIST,
LIKE JESUS.

JESUS CAN BE
YOUR FRIEND, TOO.

NO, NO, NO. I MEAN,
FUCK, LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE,

HERE WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT HUMANITY AGAIN.

RUSSELL!
KRISTIN!

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

THAT'S EASY. IT'S
ABOUT TOLERANCE.

OH, PLEASE.

YOU MIGHT BE
THE MOST INTOLERANT
PERSON IN THE WORLD.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
I'M TALKING MORE
ABOUT RELIGION HERE.

I MEAN, I KNOW I MAY
BE A CONSERVATIVE FUCK,

BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT
ORGANIZED RELIGION IS
BAD FOR BUSINESS.

OKAY, WE'VE GOT IT.
FRIENDSHIP IS TOLERANCE.

THANK YOU, RUSSELL.

[RUSSELL] SAME.

[TUNA] YOU'RE
ALWAYS SAYING SOMETHING
BUT REALLY NOTHING.

YOU...

YEAH.

I'M REALLY SORRY I WAS
RUDE TO YOU EARLIER.

OH, I HADN'T NOTICED.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

UH, FRIENDSHIP'S
ABOUT LOVE.

I CAN--
I CAN ACCEPT THAT.

UH, LOVE IS A VERY--
IT'S A POWERFUL THING.

IT'S--IT'S ALMOST
UNSTOPPABLE, YOU KNOW.

FOR INSTANCE,
YOU ADOPT A CHILD,

AND THERE ARE ALL THESE
BOUNDARIES IN PLACE,

AND THEN LOVE
IS JUST SOMETHING

THAT JUST GETS MIXED,
AND BOUNDARIES DISAPPEAR.

[RICHARD] WHO ARE YOU?

I'M TACO.

TACO?

I WAS YOUR ROOMMATE
IN COLLEGE.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW
THIS GUY.

[PHOEBE] UM, YOU.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK
FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

WELL, THERE'S THIS
AMAZING CHINESE PROVERB
ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

THAT ALWAYS GIVES ME CHILLS.
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

WHAT IS IT?

I'M JUST KIDDING. I DON'T
KNOW ANY CHINESE PROVERBS...

BUT MY UNCLE USED TO SAY

THAT FRIENDSHIP IS LIKE
A PILE OF BURNING FEATHERS

FLOATING IN A BARGE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I HAVE NO IDEA. HE'S
IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION.

DEEDEE?

PHOEBE?

FRIENDSHIP?

BLOWJOBS.

UH, ALEX, PHOEBE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT?

I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.

ALEX, PLEASE.

FRIENDSHIP IS ABOUT
REPAYING YOUR DEBTS.

THAT'S TRUE.

I'VE DONE A LOT OF THINGS
I'M NOT PROUD OF.

I'VE STOLEN CARS,
BROKEN INTO HOMES,

GIVEN SPIT BOMB
HAND JOBS FOR CRACK.

SPIT BOMB HAND JOBS?

YEAH, IT'S WHERE YOU SPIT
IN YOUR PALM, AND YOU--

OH, YEAH, GIVE
A HAND JOB, YEAH.
I'VE DONE THAT.

I KNOW I'VE DONE
UNFORGIVABLE THINGS.

MY REAL FRIENDS
HAVE FORGIVEN ME,

AND THAT'S WHAT FRIENDSHIP'S
ALL ABOUT, REALLY, AFTER ALL:

FORGIVENESS.

WHEN YOU FORGIVE,
YOU BRING YOURSELF
CLOSER TO GOD.

I CAN TELL THAT,
IN THE BRIEF TIME

THAT I'VE KNOWN
PHOEBE AND RICHARD,

THAT THEY HAVE A TRUE BOND,

ONE THAT'S GOING TO LAST
A LONG TIME, I THINK;

BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT
TO REMEMBER THAT SOME LOVES

AREN'T MEANT TO LAST,
WHICH BRINGS ME

TO THE RELATIONSHIP
OF ALEX AND DANIEL.

[ALEX] WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?

TODAY THE TWO LOVERS
DECIDED TO PART WAYS

AND PURSUE
OTHER INTERESTS.

BE QUIET, LOUIS.

I KNOW IT'S A DARK TIME
FOR ALEX AT THIS MOMENT.

IT'S ACTUALLY AN EXCELLENT
OPPORTUNITY FOR HER

TO GET CLOSER TO GOD.

I SAID SHUT UP, LOUIS!

JUST HEAR ME OUT, ALEX.
I WAS AT THE LOWEST POINT

IN MY LIFE WHEN GOD
REVEALED HIMSELF TO ME.

I THINK NOW IS
THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR GOD TO REVEAL
HIMSELF TO YOU.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

I DON'T NEED GOD TO
REVEAL HIMSELF TO ME!

YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED?
I NEED MY $8,000 BACK!

THE $8,000 THAT YOU BORROWED
FROM ME, YOU FUCKING SHIT!

[SHOUTING]

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY!

[ALEX SOBBING]

[LOUIS] I'M SORRY.

[ALEX] ARE YOU OKAY?

RICHARD, IT'S ONLY
FUCKING RAINING.

[LOUIS] I STILL THINK
I PAID YOU BACK.

[ALEX] NO, YOU DIDN'T.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

WE'VE GOT TO--
IT'S RAINING!

**

OH, MY GOD. THESE ARE
SO MUCH BETTER THAN MINE.

NO, YOURS ARE
REALLY GOOD, TOO.

I SAW ONE THAT
I REALLY LIKED.

I LOVE THIS ONE.

WHICH ONE?
THIS ONE.

OH, YEAH. I WAS TRYING
TO REFERENCE ANSEL ADAMS.

WHO'S ANSEL ADAMS?

HE'S A--

WHOA, I DON'T THINK I'M
SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS.

OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.
HERE.

IS THAT TUNA NAKED?

YEAH.

ARE YOU GUYS DATING
OR SOMETHING?

NO, WE JUST MET
LAST NIGHT.

DO YOU LIKE HIM?

HE HAS TOO MUCH PLAQUE
ON HIS TEETH.

JESUS, SOME OF THESE
ARE PRETTY GRAPHIC.

YEAH.

IS THAT A CLOSE-UP
OF TUNA'S DICK?

YEAH. I'M A BIG FAN
OF ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE.

DID HE KNOW YOU WERE
TAKING THESE?

NO. THE FIRST SERIES I'M
DOING CALLED WASTELAND,

YEAH, I, UM,
I PICK UP DRUNK GUYS

AND TAKE PICTURES
OF THEM NAKED WHEN
THEY'RE PASSED OUT.

OKAY, SO WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO ABOUT--

I MEAN, ALEX LOOKS
REALLY MISERABLE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN HER
LIKE THIS BEFORE.

SHE IS LIKE THIS
ALL THE TIME. SHE'S
OUT OF HER MIND.

WELL, DO YOU WANT
TO GO CHECK ON HER?

AH, SHE'S A TOUGHIE.

OKAY, BUT ENOUGH
ABOUT ALEX.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO
DO ABOUT THE WEDDING?

WE CAN'T GET MARRIED
IN THE RAIN, RIGHT?

THANK YOU FOR THINKING
OF ME FOR THIS, ALEX.

IT'S BEEN REALLY
MEANINGFUL.

I REALLY
APPRECIATE IT.

I'M REALLY SORRY

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
BACK THERE.

I WAS REALLY OUT OF LINE.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH WORSE.

NO, I JUST--I SHOULDN'T
HAVE DONE THAT,

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SAID ALL THOSE THINGS.

YOU WERE RIGHT TO
BRING UP THE MONEY.

YOU WERE RIGHT WHEN
YOU SAID THAT FRIENDSHIP'S

ABOUT PAYING BACK DEBTS,

AND I'M GOING TO PAY
YOU BACK. I AM.

I DON'T WANT
THE MONEY BACK.

I WANT TO PAY YOU BACK.

LET ME AT LEAST SEE 'EM.

WOW. OKAY, I GOT
MY MONEY'S WORTH.

I CAN SMILE AGAIN.

IT'S IMPORTANT
TO SMILE.

EVEN IF YOU'RE
HAVING A HARD TIME,

IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, LOUIS.

YUP. PEOPLE DON'T
SMILE ENOUGH.

YOU THINK YOU COULD
LOAN ME SOME MONEY
FOR THE SUBWAY?

OKAY, YOU KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING?

I THINK WE COULD DO IT
RIGHT OVER THERE. IT'S DRY.

I WAS JUST GOING
TO SAY THAT.

WERE YOU?

YEAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
WHAT'S BEAUTIFUL HERE?

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL HERE.

AW.

THAT'S WHAT'S
BEAUTIFUL HERE.

I FEEL SICK.

PHOEBE, DO YOU TAKE RICHARD
TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE HIM
THE BEST THAT YOU CAN

UNTIL THE DAY THAT YOU DIE?

I DO.

AND RICHARD, DO YOU TAKE
PHOEBE TO BE YOUR WIFE?

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE HER
THE BEST THAT YOU CAN

UNTIL THE DAY
THAT YOU DIE?

I DO.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
TO SAY TO EACH OTHER?

NO.
THAT ABOUT SUMS IT UP.

[LAUGHING]

THEN IN FRONT
OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS

IN THIS BEAUTIFUL GAZEBO,
IN THIS BEAUTIFUL PARK,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY NOW
KISS EACH OTHER.

[CHEERING]

WHAT IF I CAN'T
HAVE KIDS?

THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT'S
SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

WE'LL JUST ADOPT KIDS,
ADOPT A TON OF KIDS.

I'M COOL WITH THAT.

A TON.
A TON.

HOW MANY BABIES
DO YOU WANT?

A TON, A THOUSAND
TONS OF CHILDREN

WITH YOU.
I DON'T CARE.

YEAH, AS MANY
AS YOU WANT,

AS LONG AS WE'RE JUST
A BIG, HAPPY FAMILY,

WHICH WE WILL BE 'CAUSE
YOU'LL BE A GREAT MOM.

WOULD YOU--
YOU WANT--

YOU WANT TO HAVE CHINESE
BABIES, DON'T YOU?

OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE INSANE.

YOU'RE OUT
OF YOUR MIND.

NO, YOU HAVE
AN ASIAN FETISH.

I DON'T EVEN
LIKE CHINESE FOOD.

THAT DOESN'T--
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE
TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

AND MY FAVORITE MOVIE
REALLY IS SNOOPY COME HOME.

I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU.

REALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, WE
DON'T EVEN NEED TO HAVE KIDS

BECAUSE WE'RE ALREADY
SURROUNDED BY CHILDREN.

I KNOW.
LOOK AT THESE CLOWNS.

AREN'T WE GREAT?

THEY'RE RETARDED.

ARE YOU OKAY?

I'M FINE. I'VE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT WORSE.

I WAS BEATEN UP
AND SODOMIZED ONCE.

YOU WHAT? LOUIS
THAT'S HORRIBLE.

MM, I KIND OF DESERVED IT.

IT REALLY WASN'T THAT BAD

ONCE I GOT INTO THE GROOVE.
IT'S ALL HOW YOU ROCK YOUR HIPS.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

I JUST KIND OF LET GO,
AND I OPENED UP,

AND I KIND OF WENT WITH IT.

IT ACTUALLY FELT PRETTY GOOD,
ONCE I GOT USED TO IT.

I MEANT, WHAT DID YOU
DO TO GET SODOMIZED
IN THE FIRST PLACE?

OH, OH. I STOLE MONEY
FROM THE WRONG GUYS.

OH, GOD.

YEAH. DON'T DO DRUGS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY
METHADONE?

YOU AND THE TURK AREN'T
AN ITEM, ARE YOU?

WHO, TUNA? NO.

I DON'T DATE ANYONE
SERIOUSLY ANYMORE.

I'M REALLY INTO MY ART.

YOU'RE JUST A SPECIAL
LITTLE GIRL, AREN'T YOU?

YOUNG, RIPE...

WET AS HELL.
OH, JESUS, I THINK
I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

THAT'S ME:
YOUNG, RIPE AND WET.

YOU KNOW I'M LOADED.

NO, DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

YEAH, IT'S TRUE.

COOL.

YOU LIVE IN THIS BUILDING?

I OWN THIS BUILDING.

REALLY?

[LAUGHING] YEAH.

NONE OF MY FRIENDS KNOW

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT
TO MAKE THEM JEALOUS.

[LAUGHING]

DO YOU WANT TO
STAY HERE TONIGHT?

YOU LOOK PRETTY DRUNK.

I'M FUCKING WASTED.

OKAY.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU
HAVE PROBLEMS WITH
COMMITMENT, TUNA.

I'M TOTALLY AWARE
OF THAT,

BUT YOU KNOW,
I'M IN THE CITY NOW,

AND IT MIGHT BE NICE

TO AT LEAST HANG OUT,
OR SOMETHING.

WE SHOULD DEFINITELY
HANG OUT, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD
TAKE IT TOO FAR

BECAUSE WE HAD A
GOOD TIME IN THE PAST,

BUT YOU KNOW WHY
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

YOU KNOW WHY.

NO. WHY?

YOU KNOW WHY?
YOU'RE A JEALOUS,

JEALOUS PERSON. YOU'RE
A VERY JEALOUS PERSON.

I'M, UH--I WASN'T
THAT JEALOUS.

YEAH, AND IT'S NOT
ATTRACTIVE ON YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE OBJECTIVELY
BEAUTIFUL,

BUT WHEN YOU'RE JEALOUS,
IT'S, IT'S--

IT'S AN UGLY FEATURE,
AND IT'S AN UGLY FEATURE

ON ANYBODY. I MEAN,
WHAT DOES JEALOUSY
REALLY--

YOU FUCKING CHEATED
ON ME, TUNA.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
AT ALL?

YEAH, I DO, BUT YOU
BEING SO JEALOUS IS
WHAT LED ME TO BE

CHEATING ON YOU,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

WHATEVER.

AND IT'S TRUE.
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU,

WE WOULD PROBABLY
STILL BE TOGETHER--

WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU
COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD ME.

I MEAN, DID YOU THINK
I WAS SAYING WE SHOULD
GET BACK TOGETHER?

'CAUSE I JUST MEANT, LIKE,
LET'S HANG OUT AS FRIENDS.

UH, NO, I DON'T THINK
WE--

YOU MEANT WE SHOULD
GET BACK TOGETHER

BECAUSE IT WOULD
NEVER HAPPEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SAY I'M JEALOUS,

BUT YOU'RE WORSE 'CAUSE
YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED.

LIKE, I MEAN, I WOULD NEVER
SERIOUSLY DATE YOU AGAIN.

GUYS, I'M LEAVING.
I'M LEAVING.

NO, DON'T GO!

I LOVE YOU, MAN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
I'VE GOT TO GO.

**

THERE ARE 10 THINGS THAT ARE
WRONG WITH THE WEDDING,

AND ONE OF THEM IS YOU.

[LAUGHING]

LIFE OF THE PARTY.
I LOVE YOU GUYS.

YOU BE SAFE.
SAFE HOME, OKAY?

BYE, MAN.

BY, COUSIN. DEEDEE'S GOING
TO GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.

OH, GOOD. ALL RIGHT.

HEY, HOLD ON. I'M GOING
TO WALK YOU OUT, OKAY?

OKAY.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

OH! WHAT THE FUCK!

HA, I LOVE YOU!