All language subtitles for Love and Death (1975) EN

BORIS: How I got into this predicament,
I'll never know.

Absolutely incredible.

To be executed for a crime
I never committed.

Of course,
isn't all mankind in the same boat?

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed
for a crime it never committed?

The difference is that all men go eventually,
but I go at 6:00 tomorrow morning.

I was supposed to go at 5:00,
but I have a smart lawyer.

Got leniency.

I have a tremendous yearning
to be young again.

A boy.

Such happy memories
at our summer house.

Uncle Nikolai with his wonderful laugh.

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

God, he was repulsive!

Then there was Grandpa and Grandma,
who'd been married for 50 years

and still felt as deeply about one another
as the day they met.

And my own father,
a handsome and generous man.

In addition to
our summer and winter estate,

he owned a valuable piece of land.

True, it was a small piece, but he carried it
with him wherever he went.

Dimitri Petrovitch!
I would like to buy your land.

This land is not for sale.
Someday I hope to build on it.

BORIS: He was an idiot, but I loved him.

Then there was Mother, who made
the most delicious blintzes in the world.

Of course, there was Old Gregor
and his son, Young Gregor.

Oddly enough, Young Gregor's son
was older than Old Gregor.

Nobody could figure out
how that happened.

My two brothers, Ivan and Mikhail,
used to play amusing little games

but I had a completely different concept
of myself as a child.

My first experience with death
was with one of our serfs, Old Nehamkin.

Old Nehamkin was on the roof
putting up a lightning rod

- when a storm broke out.
- (THUNDER CRASHING)

After he failed to show up for dinner,
Mother went to look for him.

What is it, Old Nehamkin?

You're not looking well. Are you okay?
You feel all right?

BORIS: We laid Old Nehamkin to rest.

And that night,
I had a strange and vivid dream.

(INAUDIBLE)

I knew that after that dream,
I would not grow up to be an ordinary man.

I had many conversations
with Father Nikolai,

who was always dressed in black
with a black beard.

For years,
I thought he was an Italian widow.

FATHER NIKOLAI: Every action has a cause.

The universe exists,
therefore it has a cause.

It follows God created the universe,
therefore He exists.

YOUNG BORIS: And yet, Spinoza
didn't believe in the Holy Trinity.

- Spinoza was a Jew.
- What's a Jew?

You never saw a Jew?
Here, I have some sketches.

- There are Jews.
- No kidding!

They all have these horns?

No. This is the Russian Jew.
The German Jew has these stripes.

BORIS: I recall my first mystical vision.

I was walking through the woods,
thinking about Christ.

If He was a carpenter,
I wonder what He'd charge for bookshelves?

Suddenly...

- Who are you?
- Death.

What happens after we die? Is there a hell?

Is there a God? Do we live again?

All right, let me ask one key question.

Are there girls?

You're an interesting young man.
We'll meet again.

- Don't bother.
- It's no bother.

BORIS: I grew to full manhood,
actually 5'6",

which is technically
not full manhood in Russia,

but you can still own property.

Over 5'3", you can own land.

Under 5'3", you need
special permission from the Czar.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(MAN SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

BORIS: We were three healthy men.

My brother, Ivan,

my brother, Mikhail,

and myself.

(MAN WHISTLING)

Finally, there was my cousin, Sonja.

In addition to being
the most beautiful woman I had ever seen,

she was one of the few people
I could have deep conversations with.

Boris, look at this leaf. Isn't it perfect?

And this one. Look.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, I definitely think that
this is the best of all possible worlds.

Uh, certainly the most expensive.

Isn't nature incredible?

To me, nature is...
You know, I don't know.

Spiders and bugs
and then big fish eating little fish

and then plants eating, uh, plants
and animals eating...

It's like an enormous restaurant.
That's the way I see it.

Yes, but if God created it,
it has to be beautiful.

Even if His plan's not apparent to us
at the moment.

Sonja, what if there is no God?

Boris Dimitrovitch, are you joking?

What if we're just a bunch of absurd people

who are running around
with no rhyme or reason?

But if there is no God,
then life has no meaning.

Why go on living?
Why not just commit suicide?

Well, let's not get hysterical.
I could be wrong.

I'd hate to blow my brains out and then
read in the papers they found something.

Boris, let me show you
how absurd your position is.

All right.
Let's say that there is no God,

and each man is free to do
exactly as he chooses.

Well, what prevents you
from murdering somebody?

- Murder's immoral!
- Morality is subjective.

Yes, but subjectivity is objective.

Not in any rational scheme of perception.

Perception is irrational.
It implies imminence.

But judgment of any system
or a priori relation of phenomena

exists in any rational or metaphysical
or at least epistemological contradiction

to an abstracted empirical concept
such as being

or to be or to occur in the thing itself
or of the thing itself.

Yeah, I've said that many times.

Boris, we must believe in God.

(SIGHS) If I could just see a miracle.
Just... Just one miracle.

If I could see a burning bush
or the seas part

or my Uncle Sasha pick up a check.

We should go back downstairs.

By now, the last golden streaks
of the sunset

are vanishing behind the western hills.

Soon the dark blanket of night
shall settle over us all.

Hey, you've been going
to finishing school!

Hey, you, uh, dating any Russians
I should know about?

Well, Minskov has proposed.

And he's very sweet and wealthy
but the age difference is too great.

- I'm 28 and he's 81.
- Oh, that is big.

When I'm 50, he'll be, uh, 103.

That's a bad age for men.
They slow up a lot.

Oh, and Voskovec has made
his intentions clear

but he deals in herring,
and he always smells of herring.

Do you know, he even bought me
herring-scented cologne?

Oh, really? That's probably why
the cat follows you around.

Love is everything, Boris.

I want to meet some man
and scale the heights of passion.

Some man who embodies
the three great aspects of love.

Intellectual, spiritual and sensual.

Well, then,
there's not too many of us around,

but it can be done.

- So many women settle cheaply.
- I know. Poor things.

- They marry for money.
- (SCOFFS) Money! Well, money.

But I tell you,
I feel as though my life would be wasted

if I didn't love deeply
with a man whose mind I respected,

whose spirituality equaled mine

and who had the same,
oh, lustful appetite for sensual passion

that drives me insane.

You're an incredibly complex woman.

I guess you could say
I'm half-saint, half-whore.

Here's hoping I get the half that eats.

- Boris?
- Yes?

- I have a confession to make.
- Yes?

- Ever since you and I were little children...
- Yes?

I've been in love with your brother, Ivan!

Oh, it's only nat...

Ivan? You're kidding!

He can barely write his name
in the ground with a stick.

- He has true animal magnetism.
- Animal magnetism?

All that talk about some perfect love,
and you're hot for Ivan?

- He kissed me.
- Any place I should know?

It warmed the cockles of my heart.

That's just great.
Nothing like hot cockles!

I think he's going to ask me to marry him.

But he's a gambler and a drinker.
He's got a Neanderthal mentality.

Don't get me wrong,
I love him like a brother.

- Just not one of mine.
- (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Do you hear that commotion?

(STAMMERS)
What is going on downstairs?

Have you heard the news?
Napoleon has invaded Austria.

Why? Is he out of Courvoisier?

At last,
a chance to taste the glories of battle!

Well, check with me when it's over.
I'll be in the game room.

No, Boris. You're going to fight.

I'm gonna fight? You're gonna have
your head examined.

We leave the day after tomorrow.

(SIGHS) Fellas, I'm a pacifist.
I don't believe in war.

- He doesn't believe in war, eh? Ha!
- (PEOPLE MURMURING)

Napoleon, he believes in war!

What are you going to do
when the French soldiers rape your sister?

- I don't have a sister.
- That's no answer.

Who are they gonna rape?
Ivan? They'll throw up.

Don't disgrace me in front of my friends.

What good is war?

We kill a few Frenchmen,
they kill a few Russians.

Next thing you know, it's Easter.

Boris, you can't be serious.
You're talking about Mother Russia.

Oh, she's not my mother.

My mother's standing right here,

and she's not gonna let her youngest baby
get shrapnel in his gums.

Get away from me!

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

Our brother has a yellow streak
down his back.

No, it's not down, it runs across.

- Boris, you're a coward!
- Yes, but I'm a militant coward.

Boris, medals! We get medals!

Take it easy, will you, Ivan?
You gotta cut down on your raw meat.

He'll go and he'll fight!

And I hope
they will put him in the front lines.

Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

This is crazy. I can't shoot a gun.
I was meant to write poetry.

Sonja, I'm not the army type.

I slept with a light on in my room
till I was 30.

I can't shower with other men.

Friends! My friends!

On the eve of this glorious occasion,
I have an announcement to make.

Because we go into battle,
perhaps never to see our loved ones again,

I wish to announce
that tomorrow I intend to marry.

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

I'm going to take as my bride,
a woman I have grown up with.

- Anna Ivanova.
- (APPLAUSE)

- Uh, Ivan...
- I'm sorry. I should have told you.

I also have an announcement to make!

Tomorrow, I too, get married.

- (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
- WOMAN: Wonderful!

Yes, I have been proposed to
and have accepted the hand of

Serge Ivanonich Minskov!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh!

(CHUCKLES SHEEPISHLY)

Uh...

Yes. I mean, uh, Leonid Voskovec,
the herring merchant.

(APPLAUSE)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

DRILL SERGEANT: You! Get out here!

You're the worst soldier I ever seen!

- You ignoramus!
- (STUTTERS) Ignoramus, sir.

- Do you want a dishonorable discharge?
- Yes, sir! Either that or a furlough.

- Goddamn you! You love Russia, don't you?
- Yes, sir.

- Louder!
- Yes, sir.

- You like it here, don't you?
- Yes, sir.

You want to make a career
out of the army, don't you?

Well, let's not get carried away.

From now on,
you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine!

(STAMMERS)
Yes, sir. How will I tell the difference?

- Okay. One, two. One, two. One, two...
- (MOUTHING)

Yeah, three is next,
if you're having any trouble.

Naturally, the war affects
the herring industry.

The ports are blockaded

and fresh shipments of the herring
become more difficult to obtain.

Of course, when something hurts herring,
it hurts me.

- (SNORING)
- You see, what people don't understand

is that there are hundreds
of types of herring,

each with its own interesting history.

Sonja, are you okay?

(SNORTS)

Oh, yes.

But I've talked long enough.

Why don't you two play?

As I have got some important business
to attend to.

A capital idea!

Ready? And a one and a two and...

(PLAYING MELODY)

You stopped.

What would you think if I told you

you were one of the most
beautiful women I have ever seen?

I'd think, "What a mad fool he is."

And what would you say
if I suddenly put my arms around you?

I'd think,
"What a mad, impetuous fool he is."

And what would you think if I kissed you?

I'd think, "What a mad, impetuous,
wonderful fool he is."

(MOANS)

- Don't.
- I must!

- We just ate.
- Your skin, it is so beautiful.

Yes, I know. It covers my whole body.

Ah, I must have you.

No, no. Not here. Not on the piano.
It's a rented piano.

Darling, my darling, my...

- VOSKOVEC: Sonja.
- (WHIMPERS)

Sonja, did you see a jar of wine sauce?

(PLAYING MELODY)

- Come to my quarters tomorrow at 3:00.
- I can't.

- Please!
- It's immoral. What time?

So who is to say what is moral?

Morality is subjective.

Subjectivity is objective.

Moral notions imply attributes
to substances

which exist only in relational duality.

Not as an essential extension
of ontological existence.

Can we not talk about sex so much?

I am terribly sorry!

- You'd better go.
- Sonja, please.

- No, no, I mean it, Pierre.
- Sonja darling, please...

(CHEERING)

Men, next week we leave for the front.

The object will be to kill
as many Frenchmen as possible.

Naturally, they are going to try and kill
as many Russians as possible.

If we kill more Frenchmen, we win.

If they kill more Russians, they win.

(STAMMERS) What'll we win?

What do we win, Private?

Imagine your loved ones
conquered by Napoleon

and forced to live under French rule.

Do you want them to eat that rich food
and those heavy sauces?

ALL: No.

Do you want them to have
soufflé every meal, and croissant?

ALL: No.

Now, men, because you are all getting
a three-day furlough

before going into battle,

we would like to show you
this little hygiene play.

- Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.
- I did. I had a good time.

Oh, what's this sore on my lip?
I better see the doctor.

Doc, I have this sore on my lip.

- You have a social disease, my friend.
- Oh, my God!

If you do not treat it,
you will go blind or insane!

(APPLAUSE)

Well, men, that is the end of the play.

Have a good time on your furlough,
but look after yourselves.

Well, what did you think of the play?

Oh, it was weak. I was never interested.

Although the part of the doctor
was played with gusto and verve,

and the girl had a delightful cameo role.

A puckish satire of contemporary mores,

a droll spoof aimed more
at the heart than the head.

Huh. As for me, I'm planning to spend
the next three days in a brothel.

- Care to come with me?
- No, no.

I went to a brothel once in my life.

I got hiccups.
You know, it was over like that.

Besides, there's someone
in St. Petersburg I'd like to visit.

Well, have fun.

I think you'll find The Magic Flute
is Mozart's greatest opera.

Oh, yeah, it's a hell of an opera, isn't it?

They sell popcorn
or gumdrops or something?

We're so delighted you decided
to spend your furlough with us.

You know, you've always
been our favorite nephew,

even though you're an incredible coward.

- Uh-huh. Thank you so much. Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)

(GROANS)

Any news of Cousin Sonja?

Only that she and Voskovec are unhappy
and that she takes lovers.

- She takes uppers?
- Lovers!

Oh, lovers! Lovers.

Hey, who is that?

That's the Countess Alexandrovna,

one of the most enticing woman
in St. Petersburg.

Ample bosoms, yes? (CHUCKLES)

Mmm-hmm.
I'd say ample for a regiment.

WOMAN: She's recently widowed.

And they say her husband, the Count,
died in her arms

trying to satisfy
her prodigious sexual desires.

No kidding! Died smiling, I bet.

Who's the character with her
with the wry moustache?

WOMAN: That's Anton Ivanovich Inbedkov,
her current lover.

Although the way she keeps staring at you!

I'm sure I could work
something out with him.

I'd let him warm her up for a few minutes

and I could come in at the end
and finish her.

MAN: You must be careful
of Anton Ivanovich.

- He has a furious temper.
- Really?

Mmm. He has killed several men in duels.

All in a jealous rage over the Countess.

- (MUSIC STARTING)
- Glad you mentioned it.

Think I'll watch the opera.

(ORCHESTRA MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHS)

Oh, there is something about Mozart!

I think you're probably
responding to his music.

- Oh.
- (SHRIEKS)

Oh, my goodness, be careful!
Couldn't you be careful?

- I believe... I believe...
- (SWORD CLATTERING)

I believe that the lobby... (COUGHING)

I believe that the lobby of
the St. Petersburg Opera House

is one of the most beautiful in Europe.

Who is this attractive
and mysterious soldier?

Boris Grushenko.

Ooh, I'm sorry. I goosed that lady.

ALEXANDROVNA:
He has quite a sensitive face, hasn't he?

That's just the part of me that shows.

Grushenko.

Isn't he the young coward
all St. Petersburg is talking about?

I'm not so young. I'm 35.

The one who's so afraid for his own safety

that he is reluctant to defend his country.

He is in a bad mood, isn't he?

What's the matter?
Don't you like your seats?

You must visit me for tea someday.
I'm sure we'd have a lot to talk about.

It's okay with me. I'll bring the tea bags.

We could run a quick check
on your erogenous zones.

What about the dybbuk?

Why do you persist
in taunting me in public?

If you so much as come near the Countess,

I'll see that you'll never see
the light of day again.

If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck!

I am a man!

Well, I mean a much shorter man.

- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- SONJA: Boris!

- Boris Dimitrovitch!
- BORIS: Sonja!

Look at you.
You look so handsome in your uniform.

Well, I got a perfect build for clothes.
I'm a 28 dwarf.

And you, Sonja, my God,
you look more beautiful standing here

than you do in person.

- Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.
- Oh, I wish you weren't.

Voskovec and I quarrel frequently.
I've become a scandal.

Poor Sonja!

For the past weeks,
I've visited Seretsky in his room.

Why? What's in his room?

Oh.

And before Seretsky, Alexi.

And before Alexi, Alegorian.

- And before Alegorian, Asimov...
- Okay!

Wait! I'm still on the A's.

- How many lovers do you have?
- In the midtown area?

(GROANS) Oh, Sonja.

Boris, my life is ruined. Over.

I can't stand Voskovec!

He's a man whose mentality
has reduced all the beauty of the world

to a small pickled fish!

Sonja, what you need is somebody
to take you away from Voskovec.

Somebody who loves you,
somebody who's always loved you

and who's always
cared for you very deeply.

How is your brother, Ivan?

(STAMMERS) Oh, Ivan's all right.

Yes? Ivan is well?

You know Ivan is a tiger.

He went through basic training
in two weeks.

They made him a major.

- And does he ever speak of me?
- Sonja, he's busy.

Well, he must! He must speak
of me sometimes. He must!

Take it easy, will ya? This is army property.

(STAMMERS) Once he was sick.

He was delirious. He called your name out.

Really? Then there's hope.

Look, tomorrow my regiment pulls out.
We're going to the front.

We're badly outnumbered by the French.

There's very little chance that
any of us will ever come back.

Exactly what did he say about me?

Sonja!

Oh, now where did you say
you were going?

Oh, yes! Oh, yes, the war.

Well, uh, dress warmly, Boris,
and have a nice time.

(HORSES NEIGHING)

The idea is not to panic and run.
Then they shoot you in the back.

I don't want to be trampled by a horse.
What about you, Boris?

Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse.
I don't even want to fight.

Think there's any difference whether
we live under the Czar or Napoleon?

They're both crooks.
The Czar's a little taller.

Boris, if you don't like Napoleon
and you don't like the Czar,

who do you think
should be running the country?

- You really want to know? The serfs.
- MEN: Oh, the serfs?

That's right. They're the only ones
who know how to do anything.

If a fence needs putting up,
or a picture needs hanging,

it's always the serfs.

- He wants the serfs to run the country!
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Why not the criminal element, or the Jews?

Some Jews are smart!

Although I hear their women
don't believe in sex after marriage.

- Are you married, Boris?
- Me? No.

- You got a sweetheart?
- No, no.

I'm in love with a girl.
She's married to someone.

And she's in love with someone,
and he's married.

It's a real healthy situation.

- Hey, look, Boris. Look, look.
- What do you got there?

I got a lock of my wife's hair. Look.

A lock of her hair? She...
She's probably running around bald!

Don't drop it. Don't drop it.
You got a lock of your sweetheart's hair?

No. My sweetheart's married.
I got a lock of her husband's hair.

- It's the best I could do.
- (LAUGHS)

(EXPLOSIONS IN THE DISTANCE)

Boy, this... This army cooking
will get you every time.

There's Visinksy!
He was from my village.

He was the village idiot.

Yeah. What did you do, place?

Oh, God is testing us.

If he's gonna test us,
why doesn't he give us a written?

(INAUDIBLE)

Wow! The battle looks completely different
when you're in the middle of it

than it does to the generals
up on the hill.

Hey, get your red hots.

Yeah. You got anything to drink?

Oh, no, the guy with the beer
will be around in a second.

Hey, fella, you got something smaller?
I just started.

(INAUDIBLE)

BORIS: We started the battle
with 12,000 men.

When it was over, we had 14 survivors.

We got a message from the Czar saying,
"Keep up the good work."

That night as I was burying bodies,
I had another mystical experience.

Mercifully, God was on our side.

Yeah. I'm sure things could
have gotten a lot worse if He wasn't.

It might've rained.

Grushenko.

Vladimir Maximovitch, you're alive!

No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.

- Oh... Does it hurt?
- I feel nothing.

You don't look so bad
for a guy who's dead.

Actually better than when you were alive.
I think it agrees with you.

- Do me a favor.
- Sure, anything.

- This engagement ring.
- Uh-huh.

I was gonna give it to my girlfriend.
A surprise.

- Oh, you want me to give it to her?
- No! What's the point?

- Take it back to the jeweler's in Smolensk.
- Right.

- Petroshkin. Vladimir Petroshkin.
- Okay.

Tell him I'm dead,
and get the deposit back.

Oh, okay, sure.
What'd you give him for this?

Sixteen hundred roubles.

For this, you gave him 1,600 roubles?

- Look, this is a diamond.
- I know.

- Two little baguettes.
- This is insane.

- I could have gotten you this ring for 1200.
- Not this.

- Never... Never that ring.
- Same ring. The exact same ring.

Never. Listen.
Anyway, listen, take the deposit,

- go to Kiev.
- Right.

Give it to a woman
named Natasha Petrovna.

- Right. Okay.
- Get a receipt. Make sure you get a receipt.

Why do you need a receipt? You're dead.

- Tax purposes.
- Oh, good thinking.

- What happened?
- He was cleaning his pistol and it went off.

- The bullet is lodged in his heart.
- Is it serious?

With proper medical care,
he could last another 10 minutes.

Why? Why were you cleaning your pistol?

I was going to fight a duel
to defend your honor.

A Turkish cavalry officer
cast aspersions on it.

He said you were sleeping around.
I knew he was lying.

That you were pure.

(ALL COUGHING LOUDLY)

- (WHISTLING)
- Oi.

- (LAUGHING)
- (STOMPING FEET)

Shh!

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Yes, well, Leonid,

I know I could have been
a better wife to you.

Kinder.

I could have made love with you
more often, or once even.

Once would have been nice.

You were a kind and loving husband.

Generous, and always considerate.

What's he got? About eight minutes?

I think I'm slow. He's got about three.

Swimming out to the open sea,

like the great, wild herring!

I realize this must be
a great blow to you, Sonja.

But you must not allow yourself
to be consumed with grief.

The dead pass on.

And life is for the living!

I guess you're right.
Where do you want to eat?

Let's go to Rykoff's.

- No, no. Not Rykoff's.
- Why?

I feel like meat. What do you get at Rykoff's,
maybe a cheese sandwich?

- If it's not meat, it's nothing.
- It's not good for your health.

There's a tavern at the edge of the square
makes a sausage that's wonderful.

BORIS: Meanwhile, the war continued.

My regiment had been wiped out.

And I found myself lost behind enemy lines.

I panicked and hid where I could.
Then I fainted.

When I came to, I realized
I had made a terrible mistake.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

As fate would have it,
I landed on a group of French generals,

causing their immediate surrender,
and making me a hero.

My brother Ivan was not so lucky.

He was a fatality of war,

he had been bayonetted to death
by a Polish conscientious objector.

(BELL TOLLING)

You're praying for Ivan?

Yes. Your husband.

I loved him, as you know.

I wanted you to have
some of his possessions.

How kind.

I kept his sword and gold watch.

But here.

I'm giving you his moustache.

I'll cherish it.

Also, some string.

Ivan saved string.

I know. It was one of the reasons
why I loved him.

I understand that.

I loved him for his string, too.

Anything else for me?

I thought we should divide his letters.

Do you want the vowels or the consonants?

SONJA: His vowels.

You keep the consonants.

Life is unbearable.

- ALEXANDROVNA: So we meet again.
- Countess Alexandrovna.

I wish there was some way
I could show you my gratitude

for what you've done for Russia.

I may be able to think of something.

Maybe we could meet in my room
later this evening.

As you wish. How's five minutes?

Well, what have we here?

Oh, still dating laughing boy, huh?

Back from the war, I see.

Yes. I'd have stayed longer,
but they ran out of medals.

I understand your heroism
was quite inadvertent.

(SCOFFS) You should have
such an inadvertent heroism.

That's telling him.

Are you gonna waste your time
conversing with this strutting ass?

Careful. I think it's a trick question.

Fetch my carriage, Anton Inbedkov.
I'll join you momentarily.

Nice seeing you again, Quasimodo.

My room at midnight?

- Perfect. Will you be there, too?
- Naturally.

- Until midnight, then.
- Midnight.

Make it a quarter to 12:00.

- Midnight.
- Midnight. Of course.

Boris, you hardly touched your blini.

Oh, yes, well, I've been sick, you know.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- ALEXANDROVNA: Come in.

How do you like it?

(SIGHS) It's all right.
I prefer something sexy, but you...

Would you like some wine?
Something to put you in the mood?

Oh, I've been in the mood
since the late 1700s.

You're disgusting, but I love you.

Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.

It must be lonely at the front.

How long has it been
since you've made love to a woman?

Uh, what's today? Uh, Monday, Tuesday...

Yeah, two years.

Two years. You remember how, of course.

Well, if you start me, it'll all come back.

Remember that?

Yes. That was just like kissing, right?

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

You're the greatest lover I've ever had.

Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

(CHUCKLES)

Shall we say pistols at dawn?

Well, we can say it.

I don't know what it means,
but we can say it.

You have insulted the honor
of Countess Alexandrovna.

Why? I let her finish first.

- Her seconds will call on you.
- Seconds? I never gave her seconds.

As her fiancé,
my seconds will call on your seconds.

Well, my seconds will be out.
Have them call on my thirds.

If my thirds are out,
go directly to my fourths.

Boris, he's serious.
You must meet him on the field of honor.

I'm not gonna duel with him.
He's a marksman and a killer!

- Your honor is at stake!
- Hey, what is this? "Slap Boris Day?"

You are a war hero.

Surely a duel with Anton Inbedkov
is nothing to fear.

(STAMMERS) Look, I just don't want
to waste a good bullet, that's all.

The kid's rash.
He doesn't know what he's saying.

I'll drop by his house later,
give him a chance to apologize.

If he doesn't, I'll move to Finland.

- Guess who?
- Oh.

Uh...

Oh, I'd know those hands anywhere!

It's Old Nehamkin!

- No! It's...
- Boris!

- Yes. How are you? I brought you a present.
- Oh.

What? Oh, what?

You know those earrings
you always wanted?

The long ones?

Thank you, Cousin Boris.

Twice removed.

By tomorrow morning,
I may be removed completely.

- What is it? You look so worried.
- (SIGHS)

Sonja, are you scared of dying?

"Scared" is the wrong word.

I'm frightened of it.

Interesting distinction.

(SIGHS) If only God
would give me some sign!

If He would just speak to me once!

Anything. One sentence. Two words.
If He would just cough.

Of course there's a God!
We're made in His image.

You think I was made in God's image?

Take a look at me.
You think He wears glasses?

Not with those frames.

Nothingness.

Nonexistence.

Black emptiness.

SONJA: What'd you say?

(SIGHS) I was just planning my future.

Why are you so preoccupied with death?

Sit down with me for a second.

Sonja, tomorrow morning I'm gonna
fight a duel with Anton Inbedkov.

He's much better than I am at it,
and I'll probably be killed.

I wanted to take this time,
if I don't see you again,

- to say that I love you.
- Boris...

I've always loved you
ever since we were kids.

I was heartbroken when you loved Ivan,
but I still love you.

Why didn't you say something?

- Would it have mattered?
- Oh, of course not, darling.

If by some miracle I'm not killed tomorrow,
would you marry me?

What do you think the odds are?

(GROANS)
Going to die before the harvest!

The crops, the grains,
fields of rippling wheat.

Wheat. All there is in life is wheat!

Sonja, here's your chance
to do something kind for a dying boy.

But I don't really love Boris. I mean,
I love him, but I'm not in love with him.

Oh, wheat, lots of wheat.

Fields of wheat!
A tremendous amount of wheat!

And yet he loves me,
and would make a devoted husband.

Not too exciting, but devoted.

We'd have a family.
Maybe not our own. We could rent one.

I could learn to love him.
Me, Boris and six rented children.

(GASPS) Or would I feel trapped?
Suffocated? Can't breathe!

Open a window. No, no, no. Not that one.
The one in the bathroom.

Yellow wheat, red wheat,
wheat with feathers, Cream of Wheat!

Poor boy, dueling with Anton Inbedkov!

By this time tomorrow morning,

my beloved Cousin Boris
will look like a Swiss cheese.

Promise him anything.
Make him happy for a night.

Oh! Or would I feel trapped?
Suffocated? My youth gone!

Living with a Swiss cheese
and rented children.

Of course, I'll marry you, Boris.
It would be an honor for me.

Uh, this Anton Inbedkov,
he is a good shot, isn't he?

- I'm afraid so.
- Well...

Since this may be
your last night on Earth,

let's go back to my room
and make love.

Oh, nice idea.

I'll bring the soy sauce.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

At last! You're late, Boris Grushenko.
We thought you weren't coming.

- Well, I overslept.
- Can you be so relaxed and confident?

You know, I hate to shoot anybody
before I've had my morning tea.

I get a lot of bad mail from the serfs.

I implore both of you,
come back to your senses.

There is still time to call it off,
by mutual consent, with no loss of honor.

Since you put it that way,
maybe I will hop back into bed.

ANTON: We'll do it now.

And to the death.

Oh, no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders.

I have an ulcer condition,
and dying is one of the worst things for it.

Begin!

You have been challenged. Choose.

Oh.

Sure.

Uh... Oh.

All right. I'll take these.

Just one.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Oh, he gets one! That was silly.

MAN: Starting back-to-back, on my signal,

you will walk 10 paces, turn and fire.

- Is that clear?
- Of course.

Of course.

MAN: Good luck.
And God be with you both.

You listening?

MAN: One, two,

three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine, 10!

Does this come out from dry cleaning
or is this like gravy?

You must shoot.

No, no, no. I don't wanna shoot.

You must! It's the law.

Well, if it's the law, then I'll shoot in the air.

There! I fulfilled my obligation.

Boris Dimitrovitch,
I've learned a great lesson here today.

Yes, me too.

Never shoot up in the air
when you're standing under it.

You could have killed me,
and you didn't!

How can I ever repay you?

Well, you can start by getting off my toe.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Boris Dimitrovitch, from this day on,
I will lead a new life.

I will modify my views.

I will preach goodness.
Perhaps join the church.

I will lead a righteous life.

Devote myself, as I did in my childhood,
to my singing.

(SCATTING)

(LAUGHING)

He's got a great voice, hasn't he?
I should've shot him.

So, Sonja and I married.

I know pronounce you man and wife.

Oh!

I'm so happy!

Look at the kid, she's so happy,
she's speechless.

He missed. (SCOFFS)

He missed it.

He missed.

I know what's bothering you.

You're worried whether you're gonna
be a stimulating enough wife for me.

Whether it's possible to live up
to the chores and obligations of married life.

But it's gonna be a cinch. I promise.

I have no bad habits at all.

Granted, I have a few eccentricities.
(STAMMERS)

I won't eat any food that
begins with the letter "F,"

like chicken for instance.

Boris, I just don't love you.

Oh, Sonja...

Oh, I mean I love you,
but I'm not in love with you.

Sonja, do you even know what love means?

There are many different kinds
of love, Boris.

There's love between a man and a woman,

love between a mother and a son.

Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.

But then there's the love
I've always dreamed of

- ever since I was a little girl.
- Yeah.

The love between
two extraordinary individuals.

Sonja.

Oh, don't, Boris. Please!

Sex without love is an empty experience.

Yes, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.

At first, things were
a little tense between us.

But after a while, she relaxed.

Don't. Not here.

BORIS: Soon Sonja got more used to me.

Sometimes she actually had fun.
(CHUCKLES)

Like the time she baked her first soufflé.

Money was scarce,

and Sonja learned to make
wonderful dishes out of snow.

Sweetheart, it looks a little rare to me.

Oh, I left it in the oven
for an hour-and-a-half.

Did you? 'Cause it looks, you know,
it's all, uh... What's for dessert?

- A surprise, Boris.
- Yes, what?

A nice, big bowl of sleet!

Oh, sleet, my favorite! That's wonderful.

Evenings we played music together.

And as time passed, I won her heart.

Oh, Boris, I've never been so happy
in my entire life!

I love you, Boris, in a deeper way
than I ever thought was possible.

Really?

I want to have children with you.

- What kind?
- Little children.

Of course!
The big ones are mentally slower.

- I want to have three children.
- One of each.

Oh, Boris... Boris, I'm actually happy.

Well, I hate to say I told you so,

but some men have it,
and some men don't.

Fortunately, I have so much of it.

Those next months
were the happiest time of my life.

Then one day, at the height
of my sense of well-being,

I suddenly and for no apparent reason

was seized with an urge to commit suicide.

No. You're healthy.
You have a beautiful wife.

Your work is going well.

- I know, but something's missing.
- What?

I don't know.
I feel a void at the center of my being.

What kind of void?

- Well, an empty void.
- Empty void?

Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago,
but it was just something I ate.

Mmm. Maybe what you have
is a sickness of the soul.

BORIS: Look! There's Death!
MAN: What? Who?

BORIS: Death! He's got Krapotkin,
the wine merchant.

MAN: Really?
BORIS: Yeah, and a woman.

Ooh, it's not Mrs. Krapotkin!

- You're kidding?
- No.

I always knew
Krapotkin was diddling somebody else.

Where are you taking Krapotkin?

DEATH: Away. Forever.

Listen, if you run into my wife,
tell her I'm with you.

BORIS: Goodbye, Krapotkin.

If you get a chance, write.

(BELL TOLLING)

Father Andre, holiest of holies,
aged and wise,

you are the most wrinkled man
in the entire country.

Get off my beard, you little jerk!

Oh.

Rise, my child.

- Rise!
- I'm standing.

My eyesight is poor.

Everyone says you're senile with age

but you're the only one
that can help me.

I don't think you're senile.

- Where did you say the fish was caught?
- What fish?

Didn't you say something about fish?

Father, Boris is trying to commit suicide!

Last week he contemplated killing himself
by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Tell Boris this.

I have lived many years.

And after many trials and tribulations,

I have come to the conclusion
that the best thing is...

SONJA: Yes?

- Blonde, 12-year-old girls!
- Father...

Two of them, whenever possible.

Father, I counted on you!

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Yes, thank you, thank you,
Your Grubbiness.

BORIS: As I dangled at the rope's end,

I was suddenly seized with an urge to live.

All I could think of was Sonja.

I wanted to hold her close to me,
weep tears on her shoulder

and engage in oral sex.

It was then
that I made the decision to live.

To live and become a great poet.

I should have been

a pair of ragged claws

scuttling across

the floors

of silent seas.

(SIGHS) Too sentimental!

That winter,
Sonja and I had a wonderful time.

We found a new friend,
Berdykov, the village idiot.

Berdykov would sit smiling for days,
and stroke a little piece of velvet

while Sonja would make him happy
by feeding him cookies.

We looked forward to the spring
when we could have a child of our own.

Little did we know.

MAN: War! Napoleon has invaded Russia!

It's war! War!

Oh, what about all our plans?
We were gonna be parents this year.

Well, there's gonna be
a slight change in our plans.

Instead of parents,
we're gonna be refugees.

Well, that's terrible!

We have to take our possessions and flee.
I'm very good at that.

I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion
two years in a row.

Then we have to remember to burn the food
so the French don't get it.

Although I know it's tough to light borscht.

- SONJA: Boris.
- What?

- I have an idea.
- What?

Let's assassinate Napoleon.

Yeah, interesting. It's getting a little late.

You want to start knitting dinner?

- I'm serious.
- What do you mean you're serious?

I mean, let's you and I kill Napoleon.

Sonja, you been drinking from the glass
we use for the village idiot?

It's the answer to all our problems.

No, it's not the answer. It's an answer.
And it's the wrong answer.

The correct answer is "flee." F-L-E-A. Flee.

No, no, the French occupy Moscow.

- His headquarters are there.
- Sonja...

Two innocent-looking types like us
could work our way in to see him,

and then shoot him.

Sonja, we'd never get near him.
If we did, we'd shoot and miss.

He's a tough target. He's very small.

Boris, it's our chance to perform
a truly heroic act!

Since when is murder a heroic act?

Violence is justified
in the service of mankind.

- Who said that?
- Attila the Hun.

You're quoting a Hun to me?

Don't you know that murder carries with it
a moral imperative

that transcends any notion
of the inherent universal free will?

Oh, that is incredibly jejune!

- That's jejune?
- Jejune!

You have the temerity to say that
I'm talking to you out of jejune-osity?

I'm one of the most "june" people
in all of the Russias!

I have Ivan's old pistol!

Sonja, political assassination doesn't work.
Violence leads to violence.

He who lives by the sword,
dies by the sword.

Well, I'm out of clichés now.

What, are you suggesting
passive resistance?

No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

You can't run away all your life.

I know, but murder!
The most foul of all crimes.

And, not abstract murder, shooting a rifle
at an unknown enemy on the battlefield,

but standing in a closed room
with a live human being

and pulling the trigger face-to-face

and a famous human being,
a successful one,

one who earns more than I do.

My God, you figure Napoleon,
why he's gotta be good for

10,000 francs a week, that's minimum!
That's minimum.

That's without tips or extras.
Nothing like that.

And me, what am I?

He's a great man.
He thinks like the super man,

and I'm just a worm, an insect.

Some kind of crawling, disgusting,
creeping little vermin.

- You know you can stop me.
- I will when I disagree.

(GROANS) Oh, Sonja,
who are we to kill somebody?

Boris, for the first time in my life,
I feel free! Weightless!

I have an exhilarating feeling
of human freedom!

It's called the guillotine.

Oh, look, Boris.

Look, the soft golden dusk
is already transmogrifying itself

into the blue star-sprinkled night.

- (GUNSHOT)
- (SONJA GASPS)

- Careful, 'cause that gun may be loaded.
- Oh.

BORIS: Several days later,
we set out for Moscow.

We took Berdykov with us part way.

He was on his way to Minsk.

There was a village idiots' convention
in Minsk,

and Berdykov was planning to attend.

Village idiots from all over Russia
were meeting there.

We drove through
small villages and tiny hamlets.

We had no great plan,

but when we stopped at an inn
along the way, fate provided one.

- (LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MEN LAUGHING)

Pardon me, could you tell me
who those people are behind that screen?

That's Don Francisco of Spain
and his sister.

They're en route to meet Napoleon.

Hmm.

Don Francisco, I presume.

Do you know me, señor?

Oh, let's just say
your name is legend in these parts.

It is?

Well, perhaps not legend,
but it never fails to get a big laugh.

And you must be the Don's sister,
the noted Spanish countess and meeskeit.

Who are you?

(EXHALES) Oh, just a humble servant

who wishes to buy His Excellency a drink.

Oh, I would be honored.

Waiter, a bottle of your best red wine,
please, and two straws.

Two straws!

Word has it
the Don is en route to visit Napoleon.

Word travels fast.

Not as fast as good news.

No news is good news.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

You can lead a horse to water,
but you can't make him drink.

Your turn.

Uh, we would invite you to join us

but the difference
in social rank and wealth,

(CHUCKLES) it makes it silly.

Oh, yes, I threw this on. It's a knockdown.

You guys know Napoleon or what?

Hardly.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

A joke, Your Nothingness?

We are friends with his brother,
who is arranging the affairs of Spain,

but this is our first meeting
with the great Emperor.

(ALL LAUGHING)

That's all I wanted to know.

- SONJA: Don Francisco?
- Pardon me?

Um, I'm having trouble
adjusting my belt.

You think you could come over here
and hold my, uh, bosom for a while?

Of course, señorita.

(INAUDIBLE)

(MAN URGING HORSE)

No, no, no. It's not what I had in mind!

It should have more cream
between the crust,

and no raisins!

- But at our last meeting, you said raisins.
- No!

If this pastry is to bear my name,
it must be richer.

More cream.

- Is there time?
- Very little.

My spies tell me that
my illustrious British enemy

is working on a new meat recipe
which he plans to call Beef Wellington.

(CHUCKLES) It will never get off the ground.

We must develop the Napoleon
before he develops Beef Wellington.

The future of Europe hangs in the balance.

Yes, Your Highness.

We must see you, Your Highness.

We have reason to believe that
there is a plot to take your life.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

That's why we've made up an obscure
private from the ranks to look like you.

- Look.
- How do you do, Your Highness?

He looks like me?

You're seeing him without his rug.

Come.

Uh, just let me get this on, Your Highness.

And now, I take your place.

I will teach you to walk like me.
I have a great walk.

With the Emperor out of the way,
all that remains is to kill Don Francisco.

That will destroy His Highness's
stupid dreams of a treaty with Spain.

Then I'll sail to Austria
and form an alliance with the crown.

Not the king, just the crown.

They call me mad,

but one day
when the history of France is written,

they will mark my name well.

Sidney Applebaum!

We're here to see the Emperor.

Who is calling?

(SCOFFING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Who? Oh, that's droll!
- Droll, yes.

Apparently, he's not familiar with the list
of the 100 most important "Spanishers."

Yes! It is only Don Francisco and his sister.

Yes, the "Donessa."

Yes. We have an appointment
with Napoleon.

Right. Napoleon Bonaparte,
the noted international tyrant.

- You? You are Don Francisco and his sister?
- Oh, for sure.

- Well, we've had a long, a hot journey.
- A hot journey.

And our throats are parched.

They're parched.
Our throats, they're parched.

- Parched! We seek succor. Succor! Succor!
- Yes. Succor! Succor!

- Yes, is succor here by any chance?
- (MAN CLEARS THROAT)

I never knew your name, madam.

Oh, uh, the boys
usually just call me Juanita.

Juanita.

(IN ACCENT) Juanita.

(CHUCKLES) Juanita.

The Emperor is a man who
appreciates magnificent women.

He'll be much taken with you.

Good! I wore my flats.

Uh, we are of course all most anxious
to hear your proposal for a treaty.

Oh, good.
Yes, I've given it a lot of thought

and I've come up
with all the little details, you know.

Now if I can just think of
the main points, we got something.

Well, there is no time for business.
You've had a wearing journey.

Yes, well, we should say
hello to the Emperor.

That's right.
Shorts gets touchy if we bypass him.

There will be time for that later.

First, you'll be shown your quarters

and wined and dined in a manner
befitting Spanish nobility.

Oh, wonderful!
But go easy on the champagne.

- The Donessa has gout.
- (CHUCKLES)

Well, if you'll proceed,
your needs will be attended to.

Oh, thank you.

While you're here with your sister,

should you desire
a little blonde French love dream

to be sent to your room,
it will be arranged.

Good, good. Maybe I'll have two
to keep the symmetry perfect.

I prefer two myself!

Hmm, I prefer three,
but it's hard enough to get one.

This room big enough for you?
Or would you prefer a suite?

Boris... Boris, I'm scared.

You're scared?
I'm growing a beak and feathers.

- What are we gonna do?
- I say we get out of here now!

I'm not leaving here
until we shoot Napoleon. Here.

Oh, I see. Thanks! I'm the hitman.

Remember. You can't take any chances.

Now make sure the barrel of the gun
is pressed against his head or his chest.

And don't pull the trigger, Boris. Squeeze it.

Hey, where did you go to finishing school?
On a pirate ship?

Let's just make sure our plans are straight.

Okay, here's one.

You flirt with him,
bring him back here after dinner,

lull him into a state of satisfaction,
and I'll shoot him.

"I'll shoot him."
Can you believe I'm talking like this?

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm.

Yes! Yes, Spain is quite warm
this time of year.

Uh, Barcelona is warmer than Madrid,

but then, the people are so different,
the Barcelonians and the Madridniks.

Are all the ladies in Spain,
as beautiful as you are, madam?

(GIGGLES) Oh, well, not all.

- You've gotta have some beasts.
- Uh-huh.

- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, General! Do excuse me, madam.

Oh, yes, yes.

Take it easy, will you?
You're making a fool of yourself.

- Hey, this is good champagne.
- Yeah?

Have you had enough,
or are you gonna drink another case?

I'll be fine. All I need is a few solids.

A few solids, huh?
You should drink a blotter!

Oh, I believe I had the pleasure
of meeting your sister once.

- My sister? Which one?
- (CHUCKLES)

- I thought you only had one.
- One? One? No.

Oh, no, no. Actually, well,
I have a half-sister.

Well, no, not exactly half.

- It's two-fifths.
- Oh.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen,

His Imperial Highness,
the Emperor Napoleon.

So you are Don Francisco!

Yes, I have regards
from your brother in Spain.

Says you went away,
you don't write, nothing.

Comes a Friday night,
he never hears from you.

You took his razor, you never returned it.

- This is an honor for me.
- No, it's a greater honor for me.

- No, a greater honor for me.
- No, it's a greater honor for me.

No, a greater honor for me.

Well, perhaps you are right.
Perhaps it is a greater honor for you.

And you must be Don Francisco's sister.

No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

No, it's a greater honor for me.

I see our Spanish guests have
a sense of humor.

- Yeah, she's a great kidder.
- No, you're a great kidder.

No, you're Don Francisco's sister.

- Shall we dine?
- Oh, can we eat first?

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Your sister and His Highness
seem to be getting along quite well.

Do you find me attractive as a man?

Yes! I think that's your best bet.

How much of your feelings for me
are because I've conquered half of Europe?

Oh, I'd say half my feelings. It evens out.

I wonder if you should be
more difficult to conquer than Russia?

Well, I weigh less.

I'll go to your room after dinner.

- Good. I'll go to yours.
- Hmm?

SONJA: Come in.

Sonja... Sonja, I've been thinking about this.
It's murder!

What if everybody acted like this?
It'd be a world full of murderers!

You know what
that would do to property values?

I know! And if everybody went
to the same restaurant

on the same evening and ordered blintzes,

there'd be chaos, but they don't.

I'm telling her murder,
and she's telling me blintzes.

Hey, you said yourself,
there is no right or wrong.

- It's what you choose!
- That's right, and I choose danger!

- Oh, really?
- No, but it did sounded great.

Oh, Boris,
if only we could be children again.

Yeah, I know. Preferably French children.

Do you know the only truly happy person
I know is Berdykov, the village idiot?

Well, it's easy to be happy,
you know, if your one concern in life

is figuring out how much saliva to dribble.

Kiss me!

- Which one do you want?
- Give me a number eight.

Number eight. That's two fours.
Oh, that's an easy one.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, coming!

- Coming.
- (CHANDELIER TINKLING)

Mmm.

(GASPS)

Ugh.

- Are you alone?
- Of course.

- I thought I heard voices.
- I was praying.

- I heard two voices.
- Oh, I do both parts.

- Champagne! From France.
- Oh.

I see you brought the whole kit.

(CHUCKLES)

- To your eyes.
- To the bridge of your nose.

My lust knows no bounds.
Shall we, to the bed?

Shall we what to the bed?

Forgive my haste.

We have always heard
that Spanish blood is the hottest.

- I had mine cooled for the summer.
- You may set the pace.

Good, good!

Why don't we just sit a while
and build slowly?

You don't wanna peak too early.

You'll be back in your room
before midnight.

You are a temptress.

Oh, please, Excellency.

- Call me Napoleon.
- Good! You can call me Napoleon, too.

I've never met a woman like you.

I could rest my head on your shoulder
like this forever.

(FAKE LAUGH)
Yes, it sounds like it'd be fun

except for the grease mark.

His Excellency.

Mmm.

(GUN COCKS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (CLATTERING)

- What's that?
- Oh, just a breeze.

- Breeze?
- A breeze with mice.

Mice! What's the difference?

If I had a woman like you
instead of my wife,

I would conquer all of Europe.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

- What's that?
- What... Oh, that? (LAUGHS)

I think that was just
the old closet door slamming shut.

One can't be too careful.

The Russian underground
would love me dead.

I take a great chance
in an occupied territory.

Assassins surround me.

Every day is another encounter with death.

Oh, yes, well, this is the price
one pays for political power.

Yes, life at the top is hell.

Which is why I relish
every minute with you.

Every second means something to me.

That's why the sooner we...

The sooner we consummate the act of love
the happier I will be.

- SONJA: Oh! Go ahead!
- I can't!

- Don Francisco!
- Shoot!

Put down that pistol. She's over 18.

You're a tyrant and a dictator,
and you start wars!

Why is he reciting my credits?

- Kill him!
- Guards!

No!

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh!

(THUD)

Boris, we're not here on a vacation!

Well, I can't shoot him.
He's a live human being.

He'll bleed on the carpet.

Give me that gun!

- Oh!
- Ah, see? It's not so easy.

- Why? Why can't I do it?
- Because it's morally wrong!

Oh, I see. Well, can you define your terms?

Yes, there's a moral imperative
involved here.

Yeah, where...
Where's the moral imperative?

Don't you see? By killing Napoleon,
you're actually killing yourself

because we were involved
in a kind of total absolute.

Oh, come on, this isn't a total absolute.
You're being pantheistic again.

- How is that pantheistic?
- Come on!

- We all relate universally to a giant oneness.
- Mmm-hmm.

- (NAPOLEON GROANS)
- Oh, you wanna hit him?

He's coming to again.
Just give him a little shot.

- (SLAMS)
- Yeah, good.

You see, we're dealing
with an ethical question here.

Oh, come on, Boris! You're not
gonna quote Thomas Aquinas again.

Absolutely, where he said,
"You must never kill a man

"particularly if it means taking his life."

(SIGHS)

- What's the matter?
- Don't you see?

And if we don't stop him,
he'll burn down half of Europe!

Well, maybe we'll get lucky,
and he'll do the half with our landlord in it.

- Boris! For our children.
- We don't have children.

- Then for our parents.
- They don't have children, either.

Well, I'm going back and I'm gonna kill him!

- Sonja!
- I am.

No!

All right. Look. Pull the carriage out front.
I'll go kill him.

Look at him.

If I don't kill him,
he'll make war all through Europe.

But murder.

What would Socrates say?

All those Greeks were homosexuals.

Boy, they must've had some wild parties.

I bet they all took a house together
on Crete for the summer.

A, Socrates is a man.

B, all men are mortal.

C, all men are Socrates.

That means all men are homosexuals.

Oh, I'm not a homosexual.

(SCOFFS)
Once, some Cossacks whistled at me.

I happen to have the kind of body
that excites both persuasions.

But, uh, you know,
some men are heterosexual

and some men are bisexual

and some men don't think about sex
at all, you know. They become lawyers.

My problem is that
I see both sides of every issue.

I'm too logical.

You know, I...

The world is not logical.

If it was logical, how would Old Nehamkin
be younger than Young Nehamkin, huh?

I knew there was something crazy
about that when I was a kid

but every time I said something,
they'd smack me, so, you know...

I'm just racked with guilt
and I'm consumed with remorse

and stricken with suffering
for the human race.

Not only that, but I'm developing
a herpes on my lip here

that is really killing me.

(STAMMERING)

Oh, what to do!

Arrest this man for murder!
Fortunately, he only killed an impostor.

I didn't do anything.
Hey, take it easy, will you?

You're bending my throat.

The Spanish government
will hear about this!

Don Francisco is not a man
who takes these things lightly.

Oh, there's Don Francisco now.
There's been a mistake. I know. I made it.

By some miracle, Sonja managed
to elude the French and escape.

I, with my usual good luck, got thrown
in a damp cell to await execution,

my favorite pastime.

Fortunately, it was a French jail,
so the food was not bad.

My family was allowed to visit me.

Remember that nice boy next door?
Raskolnikov?

- Yeah.
- He killed two ladies.

No! What a nasty story.

Bobick told it to me.

He heard it from
one of the Karamazov brothers.

Oh, he must have been possessed.

- Well, he was a raw youth.
- Raw youth? He was an idiot.

And he acted insulted and injured!

Well, I hear he was a gambler.

- You know, he could be your double!
- Oh, really? How novel.

Son, for long years,
I have saved this piece of land for you.

Look. It has a house on it.

It's a nice little house, too.
You haven't wasted your life, I see.

Don't let any strangers come on it.

No. No strangers.
You're a major loon, you know that?

- Next year...
- Yes?

- I expect to build a guest house.
- Oh, a little tiny guest house

with a handball court, and a little,
swimming pool for fleas or something.

Yes, well, you'll want to get some rest
in your rubber bedroom now.

(SIGHS)

Who are you?

I am an angel of God.

You're kidding!

Fear not, Boris.

You have led a just life.

And at the last minute
before the execution,

the Emperor plans to pardon you.

Really?

He will make a great personal show
of his generosity

and you will have learned your lesson.

But you will not be executed.

Then there is a God! Incredible!

Moses was right.

He that abideth in truth

and will have frankincense and myrrh

smeared on his gums in abundance

and he shall dwell in the house
of the Lord for six months

with an option to buy.

But the wicked man...

The wicked man shall have
all kinds of problems.

His tongue shall cleave
to the roof of his upper palate

and he shall speak like a woman,
if you watch him closely.

And he shall... He shall...

The wicked man shall be delivered
into the hands of his enemy

whether they can pay
the delivery charge or not.

And... And...
Wait, I have more about the wicked man.

I shall walk through
the Valley of the Shadow of Death.

In fact, now that I think of it,

I shall run through
the Valley of the Shadow of Death

'cause you get out of the valley
quicker that way.

And he that hath clean hands
and a pure heart

is okay in my book.

But he that fools around

with barnyard animals
has gotta be watched.

I thank you.

All right, Grushenko, come on, let's go.

You guys are late.
I've been waiting here since 6:30.

You're awfully cheerful.

Yeah, you know how it is
when you're extra brave.

Probably not.

Busy day, huh?
Are you guys having a sale?

Oh, no blindfold. That's for losers.

I like to see where the bullet hits.
I learned that during the war.

I was decorated, you know. Yeah.

(EXHALES) Wonder what
the Emperor's doing today.

Ready.

You guys want to move a little closer?

You don't wanna miss, you, know.
Looks bad on the report.

- Aim.
- Uh...

Boy, the Emperor's really cutting it close.

What a flair for the dramatic.

That old sly boots.

Fire!

It's a very complicated situation,
Cousin Sonja.

I'm in love with Alexi. He loves Alicia.

Alicia's having an affair with Lev.

Lev loves Tatiana.

Tatiana loves Simkin.

Simkin loves me.

I love Simkin,
but in a different way than Alexi.

Alexi loves Tatiana like a sister.

Tatiana's sister loves Trigorian
like a brother.

Trigorian's brother is having an affair
with my sister,

whom he likes physically,
but not spiritually.

Natasha, it's getting a little late.

The firm of Mishkin and Mishkin

is sleeping with
the firm of Taskov and Taskov.

(SIGHS) Natasha, to love is to suffer.

To avoid suffering, one must not love.

But then one suffers from not loving.

Therefore, to love is to suffer,

not to love is to suffer,

to suffer is to suffer.

To be happy is to love.

To be happy, then, is to suffer,
but suffering makes one unhappy.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love,

or love to suffer,
or suffer from too much happiness.

I hope you're getting this down.

I never want to marry.

I just want to get divorced.

Oh, look! Look, it's Boris.

Boris! Boris, what happened?

- I got screwed.
- How?

I don't know.
Some vision came and said

that I was gonna get pardoned,
and they shot me.

You were my one great love.

Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

- What's it like?
- Uh, what's it like? Uh...

You know the chicken
at Tresky's restaurant?

- Yeah.
- It's worse.

(SIGHS)

Worse than the chicken at Tresky's.

Oh, well, life must go on.

The last traces of the shimmering dusk

are setting behind
the quickly darkening evening

and it's only noon.

Soon we shall be covered by wheat.

Did you say, "Wheat"?

BOTH: Wheat.

Wheat.

I'm dead, they're talking about wheat.

The question is,
have I learned anything about life?

Only that... Only that human beings
are divided into mind and body.

The mind embraces
all the nobler aspirations,

like poetry and philosophy,

but the body has all the fun.

(SIGHS)

The important thing, I think,
is not to be bitter.

You know, if it turns out that there is a God,
I don't think that He's evil.

I think that the worst
you could say about Him

is that basically He's an underachiever.

(EXHALES) After all, you know,
there are worse things in life than death.

I mean, if you've ever spent an evening
with an insurance salesman,

you know exactly what I mean.

The key here, I think,
is to not think of death as an end,

but think of it more as a very effective way

of cutting down on your expenses.

Regarding love... (SCOFFS)

You know, what can you say?

It's not the quantity
of your sexual relations that count.

It's the quality.

On the other hand,

if the quantity drops below
once every eight months,

I would definitely look into it.

Well, that's about it for me, folks.

Goodbye.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)