Original subtitles

(GIRL LAUGHING)

(WATER SPLASHING)

MOLLIE: Don't get out of this bathtub. Julie! Julie!

Julie Christina Ubriacco!

Julie, you're dripping suds all over the place!

Come over here... Where are you?

MIKEY: I don't wanna brush my teeth.

I brushed them last Saturday.

Mike, I know, but you're gonna have plants growing out of your mouth.

MIKEY: That way we can save on groceries.

MOLLIE: Under your bed?

(CRASHING)

(CRYING)

What? Honey?

Honey, are you all right, sweet...

(GROANS)

(CRYING CONTINUES)

This is why we don't run around all wet.

JAMES: Yes! Yes! MIKEY: No! No!

JAMES: Come on. MIKEY: I don't wanna go to bed.

You gotta go to bed. MIKEY: I went to bed last night.

How many times a week do I have to go to bed?

MOLLIE: Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess.

She moved to Queens. The end.

JULIE: That's not a story.

It is tonight. Good night!

Change partners. Do-si-do.

MOLLIE: Give me a kiss. JULIE: Daddy, tell me a story.

JAMES: Two nuns walk into a park. One nun says...

MOLLIE: James! What?

It's not... Oh, man!

JULIE: Night light. MIKEY: Night light.

(GROANS) Damn! Honey?

Did you leave that truck in the hall?

JULIE: Mikey did it. Good night, Julie.

Mom, wanna play teacups?

No, I don't wanna play teacups. Good night.

JULIE: Good night!

Do I wanna play teacups?

Oh, man, am I exhausted.

I know.

I feel like I can't move.

(SIGHS) Every night we go through the same thing.

What?

What? What is that look?

Are you kidding? Uh-uh.

You... Honey, no. They're not even asleep.

They'll be asleep.

No, they won't. They're probably standing outside playing teacups.

(GIGGLING) Oh, come on.

Honey, they're probably right outside.

Lock the door.

Ooh, Mollie!

Oh, James!

TROOPER: Oh, Princess.

PRINCESS: Oh, Trooper.

Well... It was a lovely evening.

Was? I take you to the best dumpster

and all I get is a lick on the cheek?

Please! I'm not that kind of spaniel.

Baby, you're the cutest thing on four legs.

I think you're wonderful, but...

I can't!

Wait, Princess!

Yes? I didn't want to tell you this.

I've got an appointment at the vet tomorrow. I may not make it.

Oh, Trooper! Really?

Bingo!

* You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

(CLAMORING)

* Cryin' all the time

* You ain't nothin' but a hound dog

* Cryin' all the time

* Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

* And you ain't no friend of mine

* Well, they said you was high classed

* Well, that was just a lie

* Yeah, they said you was high classed

* Well, that was just a lie

* Well, you ain't never caught a rabbit

* And you ain't no friend of mine

* You ain't nothin' but a hound dog *

Yes! I am the king! The king of the kennel!

Losers! Losers!

(MOCKING)

Who cares? She was a dog anyway.

There's another one.

Let's go for it! Don't tell the guys.

(CLAMORING)

And another one! Oh, boy. They're all over!

Come to papa!

PRINCESS: What'll the girls down at the hydrant say?

PUPPY: Hey, Ma, check it out.

I got these things on my face to open. I can see.

I can see... Wrinkly butts. Yuck!

They're not mine. They're your brothers and sisters.

Good. That makes me the cute one.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Whoa!

So, how did this happen?

How did this happen?

Oh, look! Here come the three kings! It must be a miracle!

PUPPY: Who the heck were they?

They're my masters.

They're hideous.

They're just big dogs who walk funny. You take care of them.

I don't want any stupid masters.

Someday you will.

(SIGHS) I'll never get my figure back. It's cycle four for me.

What are you coloring?

Christmas list.

Christmas list in September? What is that?

Oh, a dog? Mikey, we've been through this a hundred times.

But, Ma, we need a dog.

Like those guys who come to sell stuff.

He could chew their legs off.

That would be nice, but...

And you could save lots of money 'cause he could baby-sit.

You know dogs can't baby-sit.

Dogs are smart. We could teach him stuff.

Yes, we could, like how to pick up your room.

Cool! Cool?

Listen. I'll tell you what I will do.

I promise you that we will buy you a dog.

And I know you'll treat it really well.

Right now we live in this teeny apartment

and it wouldn't be fair to a dog.

What if Santa thinks it's a good idea?

Why don't we talk about this after school?

You always say that!

You always bug me.

Bug, bug, bug, bug, bug. Go bug your teacher.

Julie? Julie?

Snap out of it, honey.

Aren't you bored with that tape yet? It's good.

The pass is to Julie. Up she goes! She scores a hundred million points.

(CHUCKLING) Most little girls are obsessed with ponies and mermaids,

not big sweaty men making jump shots.

Should we be worried? Mike!

It's the Suns. If it were the Mavericks, I'd be worried.

Let me take a look at you.

I don't know about the tie!

What?

Silly.

You haven't seen the whole effect. Look at this.

(TIE PLAYING MUSIC) It does this.

(GIGGLING)

It looks like it's from Las Vegas.

Are you gonna wear that on a job interview?

Honey, it's a joke. I know it's a joke.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did. I did!

This is the tie I wanna wear.

That is a joke!

What?

JAMES: They're gonna know my wife put me in this suit.

It's the color of poo!

JULIE: Daddy said poo!

Mike? Mike? What do you think of this suit?

You look like my principal.

Even he thinks it's stupid.

He is not offering you a dental plan.

This isn't me. I wanna be myself.

You're not gonna get this job if you're yourself.

(SCOFFS)

I didn't mean it to sound that way.

A C.E.O. of a corporation is looking for a certain demeanor in a corporate pilot.

I just want you to be... Oh, honey, don't tell them you still drive the cab.

Oh, come on. Get out. Let me drive.

You sit in the back and act like you don't know me.

And, honey, don't tell long stories. I won't talk.

You can talk, you can talk. James. What?

Don't tell jokes. I'm funny!

You are funny, honey, in sort of a...

Corny.

Corny, kind of funny.

Bash brothers.

(GRUNTING)

James, look out for that pud...

(SPLASHING)

I'm sorry about the suit. My son, he splattered me.

We were doin' this "Bash Brothers" thing...

It's not spit up or anything.

It's just mud.

Frankly, Mr. Ubriacco, you resume is not very extensive.

I know that.

Yet some of my people who have flown with you insist I meet you.

Really?

I'd be interested to know why.

Well... May I?

Ah... Mr. Martin. I know why he recommended me.

All right, well, we're on this flight.

They're in back having a party.

They're singing that English song...

* I'm Henry VIII, I am

You know. You're English.

I get on the microphone and say

"Second verse same as the first."

(CHUCKLES)

You had to be there.

Oh, God! I hope he doesn't blow it.

When he gets nervous, he gets completely honest.

That is a major business liability.

He's gonna be okay.

Oh... I think he's freezing up.

I've been married to him long enough. I have E.S.P. about this.

I said, "What'd you kill the snail for?"

He said, "That thing's been following me all day!"

(LAUGHING)

I'm gonna make him a clam souffle tonight.

If that doesn't cheer him up, I don't know what will.

It's not like we can't live off my paycheck anyway.

We've done it 100 times.

Pink! Mine's pink today. That's festive.

I can't believe it. I always wanted to fly a falcon.

Honey, how did you find me?

They told me you were down here.

Mollie, this is Samantha D'bonne, my new boss.

How do you do?

I do just fine, thank you.

Oh, honey... Congratulations.

And this is my son Mike. SAMANTHA: Hello.

He gets this sticky mystery stuff on his hands.

And my daughter Julie.

Hello, Julie!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Transsexual.

(STUTTERING) What's it mean?

It's an airline. We just got cable TV. And, you know...

Excuse me. Oh, man.

You work for Majique. That's a big corporation.

Miss D'bonne is the president. You're the president?

Yes! You're so young.

Darling, I'm 30 and I'm practically past it.

Read about her in Fortune.

You're in Fortune?

Well... Actually it's two pages.

Hey! Mikey, Mikey!

Mikey, wait a minute. Hold it, honey!

You're gonna end up in Guam. Get back here.

I didn't do anything.

Sweetheart... Oh, God, honey!

They're a full-time job.

Did you get off early from work today?

Yeah, I did. Was it an office party?

I wouldn't call it a party.

They never let you off early. What'd you do?

I don't know.

She got V.P.! Excuse me. Did you get V.P.? Not exactly.

Oh, this is great! What a day!

I get a job and you get...

Let's talk about this a little later.

Let's talk about it at home. Come on! Give me the good news!

I was fired!

Oh, oh, honey.

What happened?

I think it was because of these stupid cutbacks.

I asked if it was because of my work

and they said no, my work was great.

They said I was the best. That's why I was the most expensive.

Then I said, "Oh, that's good! What if I'd been better?

"What would you have done? Shoot me?" Oh, honey.

You don't need them. You're so much better.

Nine years and they give me a cactus.

A cactus, honey!

Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.

Really? I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, don't be sorry. This is nothing.

Listen, financially you don't need to worry about a thing.

I'm negotiating a merger with Maxim Conti.

In the next month we'll be flying to Rome, Paris, New Zealand.

I'll keep him as busy as I can.

Oh! That makes me feel a lot better.

I'm sure you'll find something.

Oh, honey. It'll be okay.

JULIE: Knock, knock. MIKEY: Nobody's home.

Knock, knock. All right. Who is it?

Buck. Buck who?

Buck, buck. I'm a chicken.

Oh, Mom, can I kill her?

Not before dinner.

MAN: Puppies here. Knock, knock.

Don't torture your mother.

Cute. Hi.

PUPPY 1: What's going on? Where're they taking everybody?

PUPPY 2: I'm scared. I'm gonna pee!

That's my brother. Put him back.

He's so fuzzy.

Is that Kibble on your hat?

I like you.

Mommy, I want this one.

All right.

PUPPY 2: Got any treats? I'm into treats.

Hmm. It's just me, huh?

So nobody wants me?

So what's wrong with me?

Okay, I drool more than some of the other guys.

And I whine a little bit, sure. Who doesn't?

Hi. You smell good... Like cookies!

And dirt. Can I go with you? I like you. Come on!

MOLLIE: Mikey?

Michael Ubriacco, get over here. PUPPY 1: Kid, you gonna take me?

Please? I'll eat shoelaces. I'll eat vegetables. MOLLIE: Mikey!

I'll even eat dog food!

Hey, kid, kid! Don't go away. Where are you going?

Hey, where'd you go?

PUPPY 1: Uh-oh, bad smell. You don't look like dog people.

You look like snake people.

(WHIMPERS) Oh, not the neck!

Come on. I hate that. He's kind of scrawny.

I coughed up hair balls better looking than you.

Take him, don't take him. Just make up your mind.

I'll take him.

Don't let happen to him what happened to them gerbils.

Why don't I have a good feeling about this?

PUPPY: So here they are, my new masters.

Not!

Oh! Swallowed a bug!

(WHIMPERING)

(GROANS) Tuck and roll, tuck and roll!

Ooh! Big room. I wonder where all the walls are.

Who needs masters anyway? I can take care of myself.

Whoa! What the heck kind of dog was that?

Maybe I do need a master.

Hey, you, how'd you like to adopt a cute, little pup?

(CLANKING) Same to you, pal.

He was too skinny anyway. Probably didn't have any good treats.

If I was food, where would I be?

I'd be in my stomach because I would've eaten me already.

Fatter people! This is good.

There's got to be treats around fat people. They always got treats.

Oh, doggie dish at 12:00. I'm coming in.

What's this? Metal food? Yuck.

Hey, there, little fella. You hungry?

PUPPY: Are you kidding? I just ate a nickel.

Oh, yeah, what a guy. What do you got, food?

You going for food? Let me see what's in there.

Get your hand away. I'll do it. I got it.

CHILD: I would like a Ferrari Testarossa, alien autopsy,

a super-squirt phlegm gun with laser sight,

a helicopter, a spacesuit... Hmm.

Gee, that goob's been up there for an hour! Get him off.

Like I told you, Santa doesn't want you to be a naughty girl.

Who are you? His mother?

No. I'm a Vulcan.

How would you like a little death grip? Yeah, right!

A million dollars, a toy store...

MIKEY: Mom! JULIE: Mommy! Mommy!

See, I told you Mommy had a big, important job with Santa.

Hey, no cuts! Hey, spot. Tricked ya.

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Hello there, everyone.

Merry Christmas, boys and girls!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

You look hot. (IMITATES SIZZLING) Yeah.

How's it going?

It's going bad. I hate children.

I used to love children, now I hate children.

This music's driving me nuts. I want to hurt Bing Crosby. Stop it.

Something's gonna come for you, I know it.

(SIGHS) I have had 40 interviews and nobody has hired me.

It can only get better.

Maybe next year I can be one of the reindeer. Look at the perks!

Hey, guys... What're you standing there for?

Mama's personal best friend, Santa is ready to see you.

Come on. There you go. Hey.

There you go.

Ho, ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Well, how are you today?

(MOUTHING) Mikey?

You know me? Ho, ho, ho, ho.

What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?

I want a dog. A dog?

That seems that...

(MOUTHING)

You see, Mikey, even Santa doesn't control some things.

Somewhere is the absolute perfect dog for you.

Maybe he's already been born, maybe he hasn't.

But when he is, believe me I'll know and you'll get him!

So I'll get him for Christmas?

I'll do my very best.

Thanks, Santa. You're welcome, Mikey.

There's Santa!

Hello, honey.

(CRYING) Mommy!

Santa is not mad at you.

Now listen, listen to teddy.

Is Santa mad at Julie?

(SQUEAKING) No.

Will Julie still get presents? Yes.

Give me kisses. Give me kisses, kisses.

JAMES: Julie, cheer up. How about a pre-Christmas present?

Get Bernie.

Gotta get these shoes off. My toes are curling.

Good night, Prancer. Good night, Dancer.

Good night.

SANTA: No, no, no. I said to place, not to win.

What's the matter? Got a plate in your head?

You don't know how to write?

Oh, you gonna send some monkey to bust my knees?

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey. All right, all right!

Yeah, I'll come up with a couple of bills.

Hey, I was just kidding, okay? Yeah, yeah.

And a merry to you too.

Miserable sack of...

Gee!

You're a fake!

JAMES: How could you let him see that?

MOLLIE: You were supposed to be watching him.

I was calming down Julie.

What did Mikey see?

He didn't see anything.

You said he was real. I know. You see it...

The real Santa's at the North Pole and very busy.

He sends out... Cousins. Cousins.

That was Santa Claus' cousin, Sidney Claus.

JAMES: He's Jewish. He's his Jewish cousin.

MIKEY: But you said he was real!

(DOOR OPENING)

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, you chipmunks, ready to sing your song.

I'll say we are. Yeah, let's sing it now.

Okay, Simon. Okay.

Okay, Theodore. Okay.

Okay, Alvin.

Alvin.

Alvin! Okay!

* Christmas, Christmas time is near

* Time for toys and time for cheer

* We've been good but we can't last

* Hurry Christmas, hurry fast

* Want a plane that loops the loop

* Me, I want a hula hoop

* We can hardly stand the wait

* Please Christmas, don't be late *

Oh, Mikey, Mikey.

What do you want? You wanna a pizza pie?

Oh, great, the cornball family!

It didn't work.

(MUSIC STOPS)

You used to love that song.

What can we do to make you feel better?

Just tell me the truth.

There is no Santa, is there?

Yes, there is, honey.

(STAMMERING) But you know what it's like. I'll tell you what it's like.

You know how in cub scouts you have den mothers?

Well, Santa has den Santas. All right...

Mike, look, you wanna know the truth, right?

You don't want us to lie to you.

And this is the truth.

Um... You know the whole thing about the North Pole?

Well, it's just a story.

It's just a story.

Santa is... Santa is really...

From Finland.

Finland.

Give me a break.

No, he is.

How could some old guy get around the world in one night?

Finland Airlines. That's correct.

And... How could reindeer fly?

Freight.

And... How come Rudolph's nose glows?

What is he, radioactive?

How come your grandfather's nose glows? Honey...

I have the answer to this question.

Mikey, some things in life are magic.

Santa is magic.

Magic's for babies.

Oh, honey, nice try.

(CHEERING ON TELEVISION)

(BALL BOUNCING)

Can I play? With me?

Let's get busy!

Huh?

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERING)

New York center. New York center.

Fox Juliet, flight level 410. Roger.

Knock, knock. Hi.

How's the meeting? Hmm? Oh!

Making threats. Pretty much business as usual.

058. Roger.

James, I'm afraid we're gonna have to work through this weekend.

Do you mind staying in Boston a couple of days?

No.

I'll make it up to you. Buy you dinner. You don't have to.

That's my job. So you're gonna keep me feeling guilty?

Okay, but nothing fancy.

Just a paper napkin place.

Okay. Just don't sound too thrilled about it, will you?

It's not that, it's...

I... I was just thinking about Mikey.

He's upset. Why?

Well, Mollie's gonna hate me for this, but I...

I think we're looking at the "D" word.

Divorce?

(CHUCKLING) No, no!

Dog! Oh, dog.

(CAT SCREECHES)

Watch it, pussy, I'm walking here. Geez, cats!

Can't live with them, can't eat them. They're ruining this city.

Ooh, look at those! Extra crunchy.

Wrap them up, buddy, I'll take them to go.

(WOMAN GASPS) Step on me, lady, you get a nose in the crotch.

Hey, pal, how you doing?

This was just sitting on a park bench,

next to some guy who was eating it.

(LAUGHING) Catch you later.

I got a date with a Pekingese on Park Avenue.

Face like a Mack truck but what a body! Whoa!

What can I say? I'm a hound!

(GRUNTS)

Gotcha! Come on now, boy. No trouble.

DOG: Okay, look. I didn't mean to steal that Frisbee.

I thought it was two calzones mating in midair.

Hey, lousy dog cop!

Hey!

Hey, liver!

Cheese! I could get used to this.

You got liver? Hey, fellas, spot here got liver.

DOG 1: He got liver? DOG 2: That's a shame.

That's a crock, man.

What's wrong with liver?

That's your last meal, amigo.

Then it's a big nap for you.

What did I do?

Hey, what did any of us do?

I bit a cop.

Oh, man, I got to talk to somebody around here.

Too late. Here comes Dave.

(DOGS BARKING)

Hey, come on! Can't we work out some kind of deal?

I got bones buried. Please, I'll share them!

PIT BULL: Hey, Dave! You big dumb clod!

DOG 1: He doesn't even pee right. PIT BULL: Dave, can I take a dump in your hat?

CHIHUAHUA: Pendejo!

DAVE: Sorry, fella, it's time to go.

Don't let him see your fear, laddie.

Don't give the hairless bastard the satisfaction.

Kill Dave! Kill Dave!

(DOGS BARKING)

Kill Dave!

Kill Dave!

MIKEY: What are we doing here?

We're going underwear shopping.

I don't like underwear. You love underwear.

I hate them. You love them.

DOG 1: Look alive, guys, we got masters!

Go ahead.

Pick me, I've been neutered. I've humped my last leg.

I will follow orders!

I can help you meet chicks. I've got this lassie thing down, you know.

You can call me Spot or Measles. Please call me Measles.

DOG 1: Hey, kid!

DOG 2: I do everything. Tricks, roll over.

How about this guy? Come here.

No, not a boy. I hate boys.

He looks pretty cool, huh?

I don't know. He looks like a hot dog with ears.

I resent that.

Okay, okay, here's the thing.

I got puppies out there. Well, maybe I got puppies. I don't know.

I've been around. Come on, Dave, give me a break.

Look, I promise I'll go straight.

I'll help some blind guy with a pencil cup!

(SNIFFING) Hey! I know that smell. Cookies and dirt!

Cookies and dirt. Where do I... Hey, that's my kid!

DAVE: I said, let's move it. Move on this!

(GROANS)

Kid, kid, you know me, don't you?

Brown, squirmy thing in a box. Get me out of here!

Daddy, I want him.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You want him, huh? Uh-huh.

Here you go. We'll take him.

Uh-uh. This one's scheduled to be destroyed.

What? No way! Take me, I'm yours!

(CHUCKLES) Well, he's been reprieved. Yes!

Okay, here we go.

JAMES: What are you gonna name him, Mike?

Rocks. Rocks?

How come Rocks?

'Cause that's what he left all over the backseat.

ROCKS: Sorry about that.

Oh, man!

Here we are, Rocks. This is where we live.

Hmm, warm, dry, no puddles.

Wait a minute. Nice, cushy thing to sleep on.

Little lumpy. Maybe I'll dig the crap out of the middle.

MOLLIE: Honey, is that you? Yep.

Hi.

Hello, James.

What... What's going on?

Well, Samantha has brought us a big surprise.

Really for Mikey and Julie.

(BLOWS DOG WHISTLE)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Eeew! What a tiny kennel. I've seen enough. Bring the car around.

Her name is Daphne. She's purebred.

She was trained at the Radcliffe of obedience schools.

Radcliffe. Wow.

Daphne, sit.

Voila!

Aerobics.

But where's my personal trainer?

Um... Isn't she a wonderful dog?

I'll have my manicure now, please.

I like Rocks bet... A dog!

Oh, Mikey, wow! Finally a dog!

Play with your Rocks later. Okay.

Ah, honey, as I was just saying to Samantha,

we wouldn't dream of taking her precious baby away from her.

And as I was telling Mollie,

we're traveling so much at the moment,

my poor baby just doesn't get enough attention.

Honey, I think it's a great idea.

Fine! Good.

Radcliffe, honey. Radcliffe.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

DAPHNE: Bye-bye? You can't leave me with these people.

They haven't been properly trained or groomed.

Oh, I'm getting a migraine.

Good-bye, Mollie.

I'll be sending over her things.

See you later, James. Thank you. Bye-bye, Samantha.

Things? Honey, a dog has things?

She's just being nice.

The nerve of her coming here treating us like a kennel.

She dumps this dog on this family without even consulting me!

Look what we got, Mom. His name's Rocks!

Den! Don't you think about moving on me, pal!

Honey, we already talked about this.

Yes, we talked about it, but we didn't decide! Now we have two dogs!

If I take Rocks back, he'll be put to sleep.

Okay then take... What is her name? Daphne.

Take Daphne back to Princess Di.

I can't insult Samantha.

This is the best job I have ever had.

This is your responsibility.

You brought both these dogs, so you fix it...

Or I will fix you!

(SIGHS)

All right.

This is my chair. This is my cup.

And this is my stinky brother Mikey.

ROCKS: Sch-wingg!

Hello, baby! Oh, my!

ROCKS: What a set of paws!

Hey, powder puff, how about you and me nosing through the garbage together?

What cat dragged you in?

Kid just sprung me from the joint.

I don't associate with mutts. I've got papers.

I've been hit by those.

Hurts like hell when they roll them up, huh, Daffy?

It's Daphne, you tick magnet!

Geez! Like you never sniffed a butt.

Look, why don't we just keep them both for now?

The one that works out stays,

the one that doesn't we find another home for.

I don't know. Come on, honey.

Look how happy it makes them.

Wasn't there ever anything in the world that you wanted more than anything?

I'll never have breasts!

Oh, honey!

Okay. But the one we choose not to keep, goes.

Goes. Goes! Goes.

Swear.

I got you, baby. I don't want you to love me yet.

No, I'm telling you. You're not in the clear, buddy.

Oh. Look, they like each other.

Mongrel! Bitch!

Look, honey, they like each other.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I don't need a bath. I just licked down there.

Trust me on this. I smell worse wet than I do dry.

ROCKS: Cut it out. I'm warning you!

JAMES: Mike, quick, grab him.

What? No bubbles?

And I see there's no slice of lemon.

Drink it.

Take it away!

I don't know why they put my dish up so high,

but they do serve a good platter around here.

Look at this cut of meat! Mmm-mmm! Uh-oh!

ROCKS: Gonna play chase the meat, huh?

I love it, eating and running, my two favorite things.

Let's do it! I'm gonna eat this meat

and save you the fat, big boy.

MOLLIE: Bad boy!

I'm frizzing! Brush while you blow.

Oh, look at your hair.

I can't believe I'm entrusting you with mine.

Oh...

What's this guy doing here?

ROCKS: Gonna get some treats? Get some for me, will ya?

(SCREAMING)

Hit the clicker! Hit the clicker!

Daphne, sit.

Oh, no, it's all the way back like this.

Daphne, beg up.

You start with one hand.

Two hands. Well, if you insist.

Rocks, roll over.

Huh?

Roll over like this.

(CHUCKLES) You guys are total entertainment.

This is better than chasing hubcaps. Do that again.

Daphne, paw. Good girl! Julie, paw. Good girl!

You're getting so much better.

No! What?

No! What?

No! What?

(JAMES HUMMING)

Get that tall, skinny man out of my spaghetti.

Someone is playing with their food. No! No.

ROCKS: Hey, kid, shoot one of them round, meaty things my way.

(SIGHS) Begging is so gauche.

Kid, come through for me.

Come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, he threw meatballs!

Squealer. Spaghetti face!

(BEEPING)

(BARKING) What is that?

Ice cream headache. Pain, pain!

Sorry, guys.

Chicago.

You kids behave yourselves.

Oh, my poor nerves. Little high-strung, aren't we, Daffy?

I'm not high-strung. I'm just sensitive.

You got that skeevy inbred look.

Your mom knew your cousin a little too well.

Better than your mother knew your father.

Put a sock in it!

I hope you don't have to be gone very long.

Whoo! Hey, pal, time for my walk, remember?

Hey, I'm getting kind of squirmy here.

Okay, you guys are busy. I'll go right here. No problem.

No! What is he doing?

Bad dog!

Right hand, green.

Unbelievably, incredibly endlessly bad dog!

ROCKS: Hey, I just marked that spot.

Well, I'll do it again tomorrow.

All clear! Can you really fly?

I'll teach you. How lovely to fly!

How do you do it?

Just think lovely, wonderful thoughts.

And up you go!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hi, honey.

How you doing? This has been a week of hell.

Is it Daphne?

It's not Daphne. It is that other moron, Rocks.

He pees all over... He'll grow out of that.

All right. He also is a shoe gourmet.

He only eats Charles Jourdan. He never eats my tennis shoes.

* Now think lovely thoughts

* Think lovely thoughts

Fishing!

Hopscotch! Candy!

Daddy.

GIRL: Christmas! PETER PAN: That's it!

JAMES: I'm sorry, Mollie. I wish I could be there.

I feel I could train him, you know.

Train him?

Doctor Doolittle couldn't train this dog.

So, what are you thinking? We gotta find a new home?

Well...

Oh, man, you won again.

ROCKS: But of course.

No, I'll give him one more chance.

Great! Listen, hey, if he chews anything else,

he's gone, okay?

Okay.

I miss you. I'm excited about seeing you tonight.

That's why I'm calling. Listen, we're going to France tonight.

(SIGHS) France!

James, you have already been gone for two whole weeks!

I gotta go. They're wanting me to board now.

All right. I'll tell the kids.

Julie, come say bye to Daddy.

(SCREAMING)

Honey, what were you doing?

Flying.

Flying? Honey, you can't fly.

But those people can. What peo...

Oh! That is make believe.

Remember when we had our discussion about make believe?

But the basketball men isn't make believe and they can fly.

Is that why you like them, 'cause you think they can fly?

They can't fly either. But they can jump really high.

Daddy flies.

He does fly

but he flies in an airplane.

Daddy doesn't fly... Daddy.

(PHONE BEEPING)

James? James!

Honey!

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

Rocks!

I like yours! Yeah, it's so cute.

Hey, where's your collage? Didn't do it.

Miss Craig's gonna slime you.

Big deal.

Excuse me, ladies. Why didn't you do your assignment?

Mom, it's stupid. We're supposed to make a Christmas collage

of things we wanna ask Santa for, but there is no...

(SHUSHING) Don't say that in front of your sister or people in your class.

You don't wanna upset everybody, do you?

(SIGHS) It's the truth, isn't it?

What's the truth? Nothing, honey.

Mike, just do me this favor. Please don't say anything to anybody.

Okay. All right. Bash brothers!

We are bad... Mom. Mom!

What? You're a girl.

Well, he'll be back soon.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Thank you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Monsieur Ubriacco.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Did he win at the dog races?

Ma!

Where'd he get that jacket? He looks...

Hot! The word's hot.

Hot. Hot.

Merci.

Beaucoup.

Excuse me. This is a special evening.

I'd like to order a bottle of Cristal. This is for the table.

(WHISPERING) He's picked up a few things.

Oh!

What?

Six months in Miami, I come back, it's the twilight zone.

I just thought, you've had faith in me all these years.

What better way to show my thanks to my mother-in-law than to...

Than to rub her nose in it. I get it.

You made good. I'm impressed. Okay?

Okay. Thank you.

Gentlemen, would you excuse me for one moment? Certainly.

Oh, my God. There's Samantha.

Great. What?

I feel so schlumpy around her.

Do I have dog hairs on my back?

SAMANTHA: Hello, James. Hello, Samantha. This is my mother-in-law.

Rosie, this is Samantha D'bonne.

How do you do?

Hello.

You know my wife Mollie.

Yes, of course. Mollie!

Nice to see you again.

Did you ever find a job?

I... I... I'm starving. Let's order.

Oh, do try the duck.

Samantha ought to know. She recommended the place.

Oh, you did?

How else would we get in a place like this?

(CHUCKLING)

Thank you. My pleasure. Have a lovely evening.

Nice jacket.

Oh, God, she's teasing me.

She bought this jacket for me.

She bought you this jacket?

We were in France and we were at a fancy restaurant.

She didn't want me to be wearing my uniform,

so she had the driver buy this jacket.

Of course!

Gosh, she forgot her pocketbook.

Hey, Samantha.

Um, is it just me or was she...

I wanted to slap her teeth out.

It is obvious, isn't it?

She practically offered him Taster's Choice.

I don't know what to do.

I know people. We could have her audited.

That is not a good idea.

It's my fault. I pushed him and pushed him...

And pushed him to make him exactly what I wanted him to be.

Now he is. I hate it.

He's a keeper. You better talk to him.

I know it.

Can you excuse me a second?

Make a scene. Here, throw this in her face.

Ma, I am just gonna call the sitter.

(PHONE RINGING) Here, Rocks.

Come on, boy!

Hello? Yeah, everything's cool.

All right. Bye.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

You hooligans!

What do you do for fun? Shed?

At least I don't have vermin building condos in my fur.

Rate you're going, you won't have fur.

That kid's giving you a bald spot.

Oh? At least my little mistress is kind. Your child is demon spawn.

(IMITATING DAPHNE) "Your child is demon spawn."

Quit brushing her. She already looks like a Q-tip.

Your dog smells like a diaper.

Does not! Diaper dog, diaper dog!

Q-tip head dog.

Stinky dog. Bald-butted dog.

(EXCLAIMING)

ROCKS: I got it! I got it! This is mine. No problem.

(BARKING)

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm homeless! Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

What happened?

You mongrel wretch!

Get real. It's just a box, Daffy.

Daphne!

Come on. I'm sorry. Look, I can fix it.

I never want to see you again!

That'll be tough. I live here.

We'll just see about that!

Let's see.

She yells the most when he gets the ones in boxes.

What he sees in these smelly things... Oh courage, Daphne.

I shall be rid of him soon!

There's nothing weird about buying someone dinner and clothing?

No. So if some guy asks me to Lucerne...

Then buys me a teddy, is that okay?

A jacket's not a teddy. This is a teddy.

(EXCLAIMS)

I'm trying not to be a shrew, yell, scream and hate her guts.

Although I wouldn't mind seeing her decomposing body

rotting by the side of a river.

Look, James, you don't have to socialize with her.

You can just keep your eyes on the road...

Or the sky, or whatever it is you keep your eyes on.

Answer me this. Why is it that I can trust you

yet you are the one who had an affair with her client who happened to be married.

Like eight billion years ago!

You know I never see him. How do I know that?

I can only trust. I have faith in you.

Well, you don't have too much faith if you keep bringing it up.

I don't keep on bring...

Ah, honey, listen to us.

After six years, we're still making each other jealous.

Isn't that pretty good? I don't know.

Ah, it's you I like. It's not Samantha.

I like you! I'm crazy about you.

I love you so much.

Watch out for her. She's real flirty.

I know about girls like that. I was one!

(CHUCKLING)

I promise. Okay.

What? He did it.

Mom, it was her fault.

I'll put them to bed. No, no, no! Honey, honey.

Don't ruin it. Don't ruin the moment.

(PAGER BEEPING)

(BARKING)

I don't have to go. You have to go.

You don't trust me. I do! I do trust you.

I don't trust her.

You two, come on.

* Bells will be ringing

* The glad, glad news

* Oh, what a Christmas

* To have the blues

* My baby's gone

* I have no friends

* To wish me greetings

* Oh, once again

* Choirs will be singing

* Silent Night

* Those Christmas carols

* By candlelight

* Please come home for Christmas

* Please come home for Christmas

(GASPS)

* If not for Christmas

* By New Year's night

* Friends and relations

* Send salutations

* Just as sure as the stars shine above

* Oh, this is Christmas

* Christmas, my dear

* The time of year

* To be with the one that you love

* Choirs will be singing

* Silent Night

* Those Christmas carols

* By candlelight

* Please come home for Christmas

Hi, honey. MOLLIE: Where are you?

I'm in London.

I'm in San Francisco, honey.

JAMES: I'm in Reno.

We're in Dallas.

What do you mean I'm being audited? It's not even tax season!

* Then won't you tell me

* You'll never more roam

* Christmas and New Years

(BUSY SIGNAL)

* Will find you at home

* There'll be no more sorrow

Mom, where's Dad?

He'll be home soon.

Will he be here for Christmas?

Your dad wouldn't miss Christmas with us

for all the stars in the sky.

What about the moon?

The moon too.

Bedtime. Bedtime.

(PHONE BEEPING)

I love you. I love you too.

(BOTH SNORT)

(BOTH SNORT)

Good night. Good night.

(BUSY SIGNAL)

(SIGHS)

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

She thinks we're in Dallas? She bought it.

BOTH: Dumb cow! Ha!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

SANTA: And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?

I want a Porsche...

(GROANS) Jerk!

Well, Mollie!

I never asked you what you want for Christmas.

Oh, Santa...

I can't think of any present that I'd rather have than... You.

Oh, Albert!

(SIGNS) Come here, you stud muffin!

(SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN PLAYING)

(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

(SAMANTHA GROANS)

(CRASHING)

Honey, what are we doing?

I don't know.

This isn't us. We'd never do this.

Think we're dreaming?

I think it's one of those dreams where you know you're dreaming.

Oh!

Excuse me, but we were having an affair.

Honey, does this mean we can do whatever we want in the dreams?

Yeah.

Excuse me.

(GROANING)

(BLOWS)

(EXCLAIMS) You see that? I told you they weren't real!

(SCOFFS)

Oh, honey, you know I can't dance.

You can dance. This is our dream!

Oh... James.

Excuse me, mistress. Please wake up.

I need to be walked quite badly as a matter of fact.

Oh, well, I'm a lady. I can hold it.

No, I can't! I'm desperate!

Please! Oh, God. She's in a coma. Please wake up.

I can't have an accident like a common mutt.

It's too demeaning. Oh, please!

Baby, you are so jumpy. Let her alone. She looks happy.

What am I supposed to do?

I'll take you out. But... How?

Come on.

DAPHNE: Call me a realist, but we do need a master to open the door.

Wanna bet?

Oh, how did you learn to do that?

I know things they don't teach in obedience school.

Excuse me, I was valedictorian. ROCKS: Give it up, kid.

Come on! DAPHNE: Wait a minute. What about my leash?

ROCKS: You haven't lived till you try it naked! Don't get fresh.

How about a little dinner out?

I'm not hungry.

You dolls always say that.

Forget your diet. Let's get Italian. DAPHNE: I can't.

I'm so fat I look like an English sheepdog.

Are you nuts? You look great! Oh, well.

When I was young, I had one of those greyhound hard bodies.

You're a kid!

I'm pushing seven.

Seven? You don't look a day over five.

Do you really think so? Maybe a little Chinese.

ROCKS: That's the stuff. I know just the place. Follow me.

ROCKS: It's nothing fancy, but wait till you taste their moo goo gai pan.

Oh, great! ROCKS: I hope it's on the menu.

DAPHNE: Where are the dog dishes?

We don't need dog dishes.

What are you doing?

Getting us take out.

How clever!

(CHUCKLING) And green tea ice cream goes great with lobster sauce.

(BURPS) Oh, excuse me.

Good, huh?

So, what do you think about the world at large?

There's a certain exhilaration to this leashless state.

DAPHNE: When I think about it,

Samantha never let me run free or petted me or played with me.

I never liked Samantha, and you know what else? What?

I hate this haircut.

My butt is freezing!

(ROCKS LAUGHS)

Nice butt. No offense, no offense!

DAPHNE: It's getting bright out. Maybe we should get back.

Why? It's only the shank of the evening.

We really should.

All right, no problem. I know a shortcut.

Through that?

Yeah!

Wait a minute. What is it?

ROCKS: Mud. You've never seen mud before? Uh-uh.

It's when the wet stuff comes down and hits the dirt.

Dirt?

You have been sheltered.

I'm not gonna lie to you. It's not the highlight of our evening.

ROCKS: Just got to grit your teeth and slog through it.

Come on. Oh, no. There is no possible way I could...

Hmm. Firm... Yet squishy.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Sorry? I like it!

The oozy, gooeyness of it, it's so... Sensual!

DAPHNE: It's glorious! ROCKS: It's mud.

Play with me! ROCKS: Now?

DAPHNE: Play with me in this mud.

ROCKS: You're a wild thing! Whoo!

DAPHNE: This is totally filthy!

(CLEARS THROAT) Uh, by the way,

I never asked you... What's your name?

Me? They call me "No."

Silly! "No" isn't your name!

That's what they say when you're bad.

What's another word they say all the time to you?

Well, there's that "Rocks" thing.

DAPHNE: Rocks! That's it! That's your name!

You are one smart cookie!

You finally noticed, huh?

ROCKS: Be cool. Here comes the doorman.

(ROCKS HUMMING)

Permit me to walk you to your door.

DAPHNE: (GIGGLES) I almost hate for this to end.

Well, Rocks, thank you for a wonderful evening.

It's so exciting out there.

But it sure is nice to have a warm place to come back to,

where you don't have to fight for food

and people don't try to throw you in the back of trucks.

Oh, you mean home?

Is that what this is?

It's our home.

Yeah, home. I like the ring of that.

MOLLIE: No!

Rocks!

You have eaten your last shoe around this house!

Oh, no! What'd I do?

You are out of here! No!

Mike, hold on. Honey, open the door.

Mike, will you please open the door?

MIKEY: I want Daddy!

(CRYING)

Hey, Merry Christmas, guys! Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Tom.

Merry Christmas, Dave. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Samantha. Make sure my luggage stays on the plane.

James!

(SIGHS) Oh, dear. This is going to be difficult.

I've spoken to Conti. Having sworn that he'd keep all our people,

he now says he will not go through with the merger

unless I let go of 3,000 of them.

You're kidding! Can't you do anything about it?

I have this one chance.

He has this cabin. He wants me to go there,

plead my case... This afternoon.

Oh, Samantha, I... It's Christmas Eve. I... I can't.

I know, James. If there was any other way

but I mean, 3,000 people?

I'll be right back.

Ralph! Ralph!

Ralph, you're still current with falcon, aren't you?

Oh, no. No way!

JAMES: Don, I know you are. It's Christmas Eve, man.

Bill, I'll give you $500. No, I can't.

$600. Hell, I'll do it.

$750. We're married.

And wanna stay that way.

Jerry might do it. He's single. Jerry! Jerry!

Too late. He's on the runway.

Jerry! Jerry, stop!

Honey, I'm really sorry.

Listen, I did everything I could to get out of this.

Honey, my parents are gonna be here in less than an hour.

I'm peeling potatoes, and there's a sock stuck in the garbage disposal.

I'll take care of it when I get home.

And I'll be there for dinner, I promise.

Can I talk to Mikey?

Yes. Mike, it's your dad!

Hello. Hey, Mike.

I know that you're not feeling so good right now, but when...

When are you coming home?

I'm gonna be home soon.

I want you now.

I know, I wanna be there too.

Do you think Santa would keep us apart on Christmas Eve?

I mean, no way! Right?

Here's Julie.

Hi, Daddy!

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Mary! Mary who?

(GIGGLING) Merry Christmas, Daddy!

Hi, Rocks. How ya doing, kid?

I'm sorry. Mom won't let you in the house.

It's not like I never spent the night outside before.

Oh.

Why'd you have to chew on her shoes?

It was me, Rocks. I did it.

I set you up. I know.

But it was before we...

I'd give anything to take it back.

Mom says you have to go away.

It was only a matter of time.

I knew this home stuff was too good to last.

Mom says someday I can get another dog.

But I don't want another dog.

You're my dog.

That's okay, kid. I don't belong here.

You're nice people. You deserve a classy dog like Daph.

She's got the looks, the brains...

DAPHNE: Brains aren't everything.

Yeah, right. I may not be smart, but I know I'm out of here.

You are smart. You are!

If you'd pay attention, you could learn everything they want you to.

You mean tricks? It's too late for that.

Not with America's most over-trained dog as your teacher.

Well, here we are.

Do you mind if I use the phone?

Oh, no. There's one in the kitchen, to the right.

JAMES: This line is dead. Do you have another line?

There's a fax machine here.

Oh, what's this? It's from Conti.

You're going to have to read it to me.

I can't see without my glasses.

"Won't be in until late tonight, possibly first thing tomorrow.

"Don't leave. Please make yourself at home."

Oh! Oh, man!

This is dead too! Damn!

I gotta go. I'd better stop the driver.

He's gone. He's gone?

I can't miss my family's Christmas!

James, I feel absolutely ghastly about this.

Scotch?

Okay, let's start with something easy. "Sit" is very popular.

You've heard them say that? Sounds familiar.

Okay, front paws stiff, butt on floor.

That's it. That's all there is to it.

You're kidding! That's what they've been babbling about?

What can I say? It's a power trip.

Uh-oh, busted.

ROCKS: Hey, kid's mom!

Hey, let's do the sit thing.

ROCKS: Come over here! Look, ask me!

Oh. What's with you?

You're being affectionate?

Try guilty.

Well!

You do have a sweet side, don't you? Yeah!

Please don't send Rocks away.

Here! Over here, look!

See, I got the sit thing nailed.

(SIGHS) He's decent, loyal... Everything I'm not.

What? Do you miss Rocks?

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, I thought you hated him.

Once you get past the fleas, he's very charming.

That's the way it goes, isn't it?

First you think they're not good enough,

then they grow on you, and then...

You can't live without them.

(SIGHS) Ain't it the truth!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Look, I'm gonna walk into town and rent a car, okay?

This way I can get home in a couple hours.

Whatever you want to do.

But do you really think you ought to walk 10 miles in that?

(GASPS) That's him!

That's my husband!

(SOBBING)

Oh, yeah? Well, a merry Christmas to you too,

you rude bimbo!

There's the holiday spirit!

Samantha's office will not give me the number of where they are.

They're treating me like I'm some kind of wacko!

I know what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give Mr. Conti a call,

and I bet his secretary will tell me where they are.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLURRING) Mr. Conti's office.

What cabin?

I'm sorry. There must be some mistake.

Mr. Conti is in the Bahamas with his family!

(GIGGLING)

James better hurry. That bird's ready to come out.

He doesn't need to hurry. He's having an affair.

A what?

There is no meeting.

He and Ms. Fortune 500

are shacked up in some cabin upstate.

While I'm here peeling thousands of little pearl onions

because he loves them,

he is having an affair on Christmas Eve.

Oh, come on! You don't believe that!

Mother, what would you believe?

Sweetie, you remember in the war

when your father's ship was shelled... Yes.

And he was on that island...

For 17 days and then he was rescued.

What does that have to do with this?

What you don't know was...

He was on that island alone with 13 U.S.O. girls.

God forbid it wasn't Bob Hope, hmm?

Those girls, they'd been around the block.

Remember, your father was a devastatingly handsome man.

Oh, that's beautiful.

(CRYING)

Go on, Mother. What happened?

Nothing. At least he swore nothing happened.

Said they played gin rummy the whole time.

You believed him?

Of course not!

Well, Mother!

Now wait!

Later I met some of those girls. It turned out...

That he hadn't played gin rummy the whole time.

All he did the whole time was talk about me.

And, I believed them.

Now, in your heart...

Do you really believe James would cheat on you?

Well, James, since we're stuck here,

might as well relax.

Isn't it great?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

This isn't good.

What?

Samantha, what is this? This all seems like some kind of...

Some sort of what?

Oh.

Oh!

I'm so embarrassed!

You think I've planned all this as some sort of... Oh, God!

Oh, God, I'm wrong! Oh, man!

To think you would even go for someone like me...

James, sit down.

I am so stupid!

You probably have someone like Prince Charles

in a condo waiting for you somewhere.

(LAUGHING) Oh, no.

And, no,

I didn't have any plans for tonight.

You're kidding?

You were actually going to be alone for Christmas?

I'm used to it.

I can't believe it.

Really. When I was little, I was at boarding school.

Where were your folks?

I don't know. Skiing.

Instead of being with their kid?

James, listen.

Their parents did it to them, they did it to me. It was fine.

I also had a lot of advantages. I went to the best schools.

I could speak four languages by the time I was 15.

When I was 15, I was flunking English.

I suppose I did sometimes wonder about, well, you know,

regular high school, boys,

dances, that kind of thing.

You didn't go to dances?

No.

I actually don't know how.

Ah, come on! Everybody can dance.

Everybody cannot dance!

Yes, they can. It's easy. No, they cannot.

(SNIFFLING)

Mom?

What's wrong?

Nothing!

He's not coming back, is he?

He's trying real hard to get back tonight.

I knew it. He's not coming back.

Let's go open up some of those gifts grandma and grandpa brought.

I'm sure Santa wouldn't mind.

There is no Santa! ROSIE: What?

There is no Santa.

Now stop that!

If there was, wouldn't he let Daddy be with us?

What's wrong? Where's Daddy?

Oh, sweetie.

(CRYING) I want my daddy.

Christmas stinks.

Everybody, just hold it! I think I have an idea.

ROSIE: Kids, let's open some presents.

Look what's in this.

I don't want a present.

Ms. D'bonne's office, please.

MIKEY: I wanna go watch TV.

Yes, hello. I am calling from Olympic Florist...

And I have 350 red roses to deliver to Ms. D'bonne now.

MOLLIE: I need the address, please.

They are coming from a Mr. James Ubriccio...

Ubritch... Yeah, doll, that's it. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Good. Thanks, doll, and a merry Christmas to you too.

Sucker!

All right, kids, listen to Mommy.

Put on some very, very warm clothes. We're gonna take a trip.

Daddy, will you help me put these presents in the car?

Ma, will you put those onions in some Tupperware?

Come on, let's move it! Move it!

Go! Move your little butts!

Daddy won't come to Christmas, Christmas is gonna come to Daddy.

(HORN HONKING)

Rocks, I don't feel so good.

Come on, it's fun! It's chasing without all that stupid running.

(GROANS) I'm going to lose my Kibble 'n Bits.

(SNIFFING) Mmm, what's this?

Touch one of those presents, you're gonna be hunting gophers for dinner.

I smell treats! That's fruitcake.

Rocks, I said no!

Mom! Look out! What?

Don't worry, kids. Mommy's just playing.

Hang on!

(MOLLIE SCREAMING)

Stop this thing!

(EXHALES)

Are you okay? Good. Are you okay, honey?

Is everybody okay? All right. Good.

Now, wasn't that fun?

No. No.

No. All right.

Okay, tell you what we're gonna do.

Mommy is gonna figure out how to get us out of here.

I've got an idea.

What is that?

You push and I drive.

Really? Yeah.

That's good. Do you have your driver's license with you?

No. Okay, good try.

I know. I have an idea.

There's lots of great pine cones out here.

I'm gonna gather up pine cones, and while I'm gathering pine cones...

I don't like pine cones.

You don't?

Okay, then I will get you a stick.

You guys sing a song and guard the presents, okay?

Sing a nice, loud Christmas song so Mommy can hear you.

KIDS: * Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg

* The Batmobile lost its wheel and the Joker got away, hey

* Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg

Now what am I gonna do?

JULIE: * Oh what fun it is to ride and Joker did ballet, hey

MIKEY: Will you stop mixing me up?

* Batman laid an egg

* Oh, what fun it is to ride, hey

KIDS: * Jingle bells, jingle bells, Robin laid an egg

* Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh *

(SNARLING)

WOLF: Mmm-mmm, meals on wheels.

Mommy found another doggy!

That's no dog, kid.

Hey there, mama. On your way to grandma's house?

Hey, you! Beat it!

Ooh, I love the smell of fear.

Nice, nice wolf.

I won't hurt you.

(WHISPERS) Nice wolf.

I like wolves.

Let me out of here! Let me out!

Nice wolf.

Come on!

Look, just leave the lady alone unless you wanna get spayed the hard way!

Ooh, he talks the talk. But can he walk the walk?

Back off, city boy! This ain't your business.

The hell it ain't! That's my family.

Kids, remember when Mommy told you the story about Peter and the Wolf?

Well, there's the wolf...

And where is that crazy Peter when you need him?

(SNARLING)

(BARKING)

Rocks!

Rocks!

Rocks! Oh, no! No!

Rip his throat out!

WOLF: Ow! My tail!

ROCKS: Never mess with a street dog, you wuss!

(WOLF YELPING)

(ALL CHEERING)

(WHINING)

Oh, no!

(GASPS) Rocks, you're hurt! Oh, look at your paws.

And your little ears and your neck.

What did that animal do to you?

Aw, it's nothing.

Oh, sweetheart.

Sweetheart? Oh, baby!

Yeah!

(SNIFFING) Hey, I smell kid's dad.

Up this way. You mean the master?

You're hurt. I want you to come back to the car.

We gotta get these guys help.

Then I'm going to go too.

No, you're a house dog.

I've still got my animal instincts.

All right, you go back that way and get help.

All right.

Uh, which way?

You gotta sniff for people.

Uh, sniff? Stick your nose in the air and suck.

Uh-oh. Mommy's gotta get the dogs before they run away.

Take care of yourself.

(NERVOUS LAUGH) Don't worry about me. Sniff?

(SNORTS) No, that's snort.

Rocks! Here boy!

(WHISTLING) Come on, guys!

Rocks! Daphne!

Where'd they go?

I don't know. Maybe to the bathroom.

They should've gone to the bathroom before we left.

Right, Mommy? That's right.

Rocks, come back!

Daphne!

Let's get back in the car. He'll come back.

Come back, girl.

I'll let you open a present. You can pick whatever present you want.

MIKEY: But Rocks is hurt!

MOLLIE: Honey, he'll be fine.

Six, seven, eight.

And slow, quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow.

Quick, quick, slow. Good.

Quick, quick, slow. Good!

Excellent! Good.

See, you can dance!

But how do we do it like this?

Just the same way.

Uh, slow, quick, quick, slow.

BOTH: Quick, quick, slow.

BOTH: Quick, quick, slow.

Okay, I think I'm sniffing. I'm definitely inhaling, and I'm getting nothing.

I'm just an inbred washout! Oh! People!

I did it! I can sniff!

I am not a poodle. I am a wild, marauding beast!

Move it! My masters need help!

(SCREAMS)

Ow! The phone is out, huh?

You are unbelievable!

How dare you treat me like that!

Easy. You're a lousy human being.

Listen to me, James.

You are a very impressive man.

Over the past few months, I have watched you bloom.

You deserve better than some...

Frumpy little housewife,

who doesn't even have the resourcefulness to find herself a decent job.

(ROCKS BARKING)

She's smart enough to find me here. That's our dog, Rocks.

(LAUGHS) Yeah!

(LAUGHING) Hey, Rocks! All right.

ROCKS: Hey, big guy. Hey, pal, give me paw.

What happened? Ooh, ooh! Not so rough.

ROCKS: Whoa! Is she in heat or what?

If you walk out that door, I will personally guarantee

that you never fly for a reputable company

for the rest of your pathetic...

(URINATING)

Oh! ROCKS: How do you like that, huh?

That'll cool you off.

Come on, Rocks. Let's go.

ROCKS: Good shot, huh?

Bye.

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS) It's just a hat.

It's a hat? Let's put it on.

Whew! I think it goes a different way.

Let's see!

(GASPS) Oh, you look so pretty!

Oh! Look at that face!

Mikey, you want to open another one?

It's probably more clothes.

You know what?

You're lucky we gave you boring things, otherwise you'd be freezing right now.

(DAPHNE BARKING)

Is that Daphne?

(GASPS) My God! My dog is a genius!

Yeah! MIKEY: Way to go, Daphne!

No need for applause. Just throw treats.

ROCKS: Come on! We're almost there.

JAMES: Okay, Rocks, where are they?

Are we getting close? Are we? Right.

What are you gonna say to me?

"Yeah, James, they're just up the road

"about a quarter of a mile, just past the 7-Eleven."

Rocks, this way!

Are you gonna trust that dinky bulb in the middle of your face or my nose?

Come on!

All right. Hope you're right.

Mollie! Mollie!

Oh, God! Mollie!

ROCKS: They're gone? I can't believe it!

Look on the floor. I left them here.

(ROCKS WHINING)

Come on in.

There's some cots in the back you could use.

No, thank you. We're not gonna sleep here.

We have to get a hold of my husband.

No one's going anywhere tonight, ma'am.

Just hunker down here. We'll try and get out in the morning.

We have to go tonight. This is Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I've got cookies and eggnog.

Help yourselves.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, you guys.

I didn't mean to get us stuck out here tonight,

without our daddy. Sorry.

How is Santa gonna find us here?

Don't worry. He has special radar.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Merry Christmas.

WOLF 1: Man, he was big and jumped me from behind! WOLF 2: We'll find him.

Wait! I think I'm picking up on something.

(SNIFFING)

WOLVES: Fresh meat!

(WOLF SNARLING)

Uh-oh!

Yeah, that's the guy!

Damn!

Bit me hard! He had friends. He ain't so big.

The fur's gonna fly!

Run! Save yourself! I'll take care of these guys.

You take care of nobody, chump.

Uh-oh.

It's show time.

Your funeral! Your mama!

(WOLVES SNARLING)

(PAGER BEEPING)

(WHISPERING) Mmm, honey, let's go to bed now.

I'm not sleepy.

I know. But you know what?

The sooner we go to sleep, the sooner Christmas will come.

* When the road gets dark

* And you can no longer see

* Just let my love throw a spark

Santa?

* And have a little faith in me

* And have a little faith in me

* And have a little faith in me

Mom! Mom, come over here.

(WHISPERS) What? I think it's Santa.

* Have a little faith in me

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

* When your secret heart

Hello?

Oh, man!

Merry Christmas, honey.

* Come here, darling

* From a whisper start

* To have a little faith in me *

Daddy!

Daddy! Hi, Julie.

Dad?

Where's Rocks?

You wouldn't believe it! We ran into these wolves.

We actually got attacked by wolves.

DAPHNE: Oh, no! And Rocks came to my defense.

One of the wolves chomped on my beeper. Look at it.

And they all totally spazzed out!

Bunch of wimps! Rocks!

Rocks?

Hey, kid, it's great to see ya!

DAPHNE: Oh, Rocks, how did you find us?

I just followed your scent. Oh!

And you smell beautiful, Daphne! Oh, honey pie!

Oh, pumpkin butt!

Stop it, Rocks. Not in front of the kids.

James, before the wolves...

What were you doing?

Getting fired.

Thank God!

Mom, can Rocks stay with us now?

Oh... Honey, have a heart.

If it weren't for Rocks, we wouldn't be together tonight.

I might even be dead.

I know, that's why...

So what if he's not the smartest dog in the world.

Who cares if he can sit down?

ROCKS: I can sit down.

Or if he could... Beg.

Beg's easy. Look.

Who needs a beggar in the family... Or to lie down?

The point is, he is still a great dog.

He stays. What?

He stays! Really?

JAMES: Hey, Mike, do you hear that?

I'm gonna stay!

RANGER: Hey, guys,

I'm picking up something weird over here.

(STATIC BUZZING)

(GARBLED VOICES)

(BELLS JINGLING)

Hey, what is that?

Come here.

Is that sleigh bells?

MAN: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Whoa!

Told you he was real!

I knew he was real. You did not.

I knew the whole time. You did not.

She kissed you! I hate my sister!

MIKEY: Get the cooties away! JAMES: Let's go to bed.

JULIE: I don't want to go to bed. MOLLIE: It's so exciting.

MOLLIE: He's right above our head. Can't you feel it?

(IT'S CHRISTMAS, C'EST NOEL PLAYING)

* Look

* There is a white blanket over us

* A fire place and the Christmas tree

* Thousand of little lights above us

* And I am feeling so so happy

* Tonight's the night for us, the children

* To get the present we've been dreamin' of

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* Then you feel something up in the air

* A super nice feeling of holiness

* And for us all it's time to share

* With everyone our happiness

* And do you know what?

* Tonight's the night for us, the children

* To get the present we've been dreamin' of

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* Come on, everybody

* Dancin' under the Christmas tree

* Don't you want to just party with me

* Come on now everyone

* Come on, y'all, time to sing

* What a joy that would bring

* Christmas time

* Time to have fun, time to dance

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* It's Christmas, c'est Noel

* C'est Noel, it's Christmas

* C'est Noel