All language subtitles for Lanatra allarancia (1975) EN

Duck with Orange Sauce

And finally, my friends,
I will say the main thing: ...

... Our company has the exclusive right
to import and distribute ...

... And is ready for it's
promotion on the Italian market.

the Californian wine ... "Mama Mia", ..

Advertising and sales of
a California Wine in Italy - ...

may seem utopian or impossible,

but that is precisely why the
Americans have come to us.

Let me remind you of our motto: ...

... "The impossible we do immediately,
but miracles take a little wait. "

And now let's try our wine.
Thank you.

Bolder, braver!

Let's drink to good luck and the
California wine "Mama Mia!"

Mama mia!

Otherwise, why need advertising?
And speaking of television advertising.

We then came up with a stupid little song, ..

but, therefore,
appropriate to our audience.

Attention, our ensemble!

"Good California wine,
the American wine"

"If you want to know quality
you must drink California wine."

"Good California wine,
the American wine"

"If you want to know quality
you must drink California wine."

- Livio, aren't you going home?
- I have a date.

- With a woman?
- No, with my wife.

Livio!

- Hello dear.
- Hi.

Coming from the hairdresser?

Since you are so beautiful,
we'll go to a Chinese restaurant.

Chinese! What a good idea!

All right, sir?

The main course will be chicken served
in bamboo and beef in soy sauce.

It is simply delicious!
Funcha, Bring the lady jasmine tea.

Okay.

You look hot.

No, it's from these massages -
increases blood circulation.

I'm so hot, especially the cheeks.

That's good. Who tells you to lose half the day
to be tortured by those two scoundrels?

What scoundrels? Geraldine and Cleo
aren't scoundrels.

They have the best salon in Rome

Thank God, I made an appointment in advance -
There were a lot of people.

Especially the firefighters?

Firefighters? Why?

To put out the fire, of course.

- What fire?
- Didn't you hear?

The radio said that the
salon building burned down.

- Oh, that's why there was a smell of burning!
- Well, yes.

- Were there many casualties?
- Only one.

Poor man.

A middle-aged husband,
a recognized publicist,

leaving two children and 50 thousand
cases of wine from California.

Dear, I'm feeling ...

... Terribly guilty.

Even for me.

In fact I should've admitted long ago.

Don't stall, who is he?

- Jean-Claude Arden.
- Do I know him?

Yes, you met at that party
in the African embassy.

- Black?
- No, he's white, 35 years old.

Tall, slender.

Attractive.

With a lovely smile. He sat
next to us, but you didn't even notice.

He has refined manners,
and his eyes betray such tenderness

Frankly, I do not remember ..

... anyone like that close to us.

Because, as always, you were
more interested in ...

... The development and strengthening
of international relations.

If I am not mistaken, that was
the objective that night.

I talked to the Minister of Economy.

A very handsome minister, I must admit.
Much more than ours. However your ...

At one point,
I went out to the terrace.

You got hot.

Yes, just like you thought.

This is from your point of view,
a seducer of economy ministers.

But he was there too.

Ah, yes, now I remember.

He was sitting beside us on the couch.

Among other things, he had some
business with the Minister of Economy.

I well remember how
he talked ...

... Or, at least,
tried to talk to her. With him.

With the minister.

Yes, but his hands were at that time
talking with me.

And how they talked!

Voila! Here I am.

- What makes you think that I was waiting for you?
- In fact it was I who was looking for you.

Forgive me, I am by nature
delicate and impressionable.

And besides, there's my husband,
and he is terribly jealous.

He never takes his eyes off me.

So let's hide from
the eyes of your terrible husband.

No. But why?

Well, to find
some secluded place.

No, please. You know, I ...

I hate ...
professional seducers.

But I'm just an amateur. With you ..

... With you, Lisa,
I experience something completely different.

I do not know, I feel "romantique."

"Romantique"?

No, don't be fooled,
I beg you, don't.

With me it will not work,
I'm an impregnable woman.

Yes, absolutely impregnable,
even if you ...

... Kiss me on the neck ...

- ... Or on my back.
- on the back?

Yes... No!

No.

No! Even if you
kiss me on the shoulder, ..

... I won't feel anything,
absolutely nothing.

Not even if you kiss me on the lips,
it won't change anything.

Yes.

I will stay completely
impregnable as a rock.

- Yes.
- For me, it has no effect.

He found his wife with her lover.

Horrified by what he saw, Loka�io
grabbed the gun and killed them both.

Primitive psychology.

The classic rural drama.
The name gives it away - Lokashio!

- Sicilian.
- You wouldn't have done that, would you?

No, I'm not like Lokashio; because of a kiss
I wouldn't immediately seize a gun.

It's not just about the kiss. But you're
a modern man and understand everything.

Sure, go ahead.
Naturally the next day he called you.

Yes, he invited me to dinner,
but I refused.

- Good for you.
- And refused for 15 days.

And on the 16th surrendered.

The fortress trembled, and he made
an opening in the southern wall.

I don't understand everything you said,
but I fear it is a vulgarity.

When was there a complete capitulation?

On Friday, the 17th.

A miserable day.

- Where was I?
- At a football game.

Really? And Milan lost that day.

Yes, continuous misery.
And I wasn't happy either.

I imagine, I suppose. It must have been
a terrible situation for you.

I know you won't believe me, but I
kept thinking about you constantly.

- How sweet.
- Constantly.

You're so good to me,
especially at critical moments.

- Lisa!
- Oh, Jean-Claude, I don't even know ..

... How I found myself here,
I was just passing by.

Jean-Claude, I want you to meet
my husband. Last button at the bottom.

No, what are you doing? No! You see,
I didn't come prepared.

My husband - an extraordinary man. You
can not imagine how much he loves me.

He is so gentle and attentive.

No, please, don't take it off,
this hat is a Cardin.

And he burns with passion
for me five, six times a day.

We do it in the kitchen,
on the stairs ...

... And even on the ironing board.
Sometimes I'm burned.

- And how he hugs me!
- Hugs.

- How he hugs!
- Yes.

- Dear God! Down, down, on the table!
- Of course, yes, now.

No, not the hair.

Yes!

Yes!

Oh, Claude!

Oh, Jean-Claude! Oh, Livio!

How I suffered, Livio,
how I suffered!

Yes, no doubt.
Making love with another ..

... While your husband is
watching football - must be suffering.

I'm glad that in the end
things have gone well.

Yes and no. Because
the first time is not always, ..

... As we would like. Besides, you ruined
everything - I always thought of you.

I'm sorry, dear, I didn't want
to ruin your adultery.

You know, if you had paid me
more attention in recent years ..

- none of this would have happened.
- You're right.

But you don't look at me, so I fell to the
first passionate look. What could I do?

But I wanted you to have everything.

- Of course, everything except the most important.
- Ah yes, I forgot - love.

Love.

- Love.
- You're right, I deserved it.

- I knew it.
- But if you knew that ...

Watch Out!

Everything is under control.

Yes, I knew from the first
time, when you seduced me.

- I seduced you? You seduced me.
- So I'm the one who seduced you.

I remember perfectly.
I remember how you smiled.

- Me?
- Yes, a lascivious and inviting smile

Thank you.

Are you stupid or what! Look what you've
done! A little care. Look where you're going!

I didn't do it deliberately. A small
distraction, it can happen to anyone.

Listen, I was at the stop
when this gentleman ...

- Be polite with the lady.
- And who are you?

- None of your business.
- Fuck you!

- What's your last name, your name, please?
- Name?

Here you go!
Now you've got it officially!

- He hit you?
- Yes.

- What a bastard!
- It's Nothing. Nothing to worry about.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I feel better.

- I'm sorry.
- Yes?

- Where are you from?
- I was born in Cremona, but I live in Milan.

And I'm from Ladispolija.

- Your car is wrecked, may I give you a lift?
- Thank you.

Please.

And then I said to myself:
you're too good for me.

And you never questioned that, ever.

Never, for years.

Until last week, when they saw you
enter the travel agency.

Who?

- My secretary Patti.
- Ah ... Dried pineapple?

- The dried pineapple. Didn't you call her?
- Yes, that's right.

She said she saw you with
a tall young man, refined, ..

- ... With a magnetic gaze.
- Yes, he has a magnetic look.

And what does he do? Hypnosis?

No, he doesn't work. He loves.

Ah, a Don Juan.

Well, here we are at home.
Everything is just fine.

- Yes.
- We have solved all our problems, right?

- Yes.
- How glad I am to see ...

... That there is love and harmony
between the masters!

It is true, Cecilia.
The right word at the right time.

Yes.

- Madam, shall I take the car to the garage?
- Yes, park it.

Flash, come, come here ...

So, do you want a divorce?

Well, ..

... I think it's inevitable.

And then, in the end, there are laws...

We have to take advantage.
Don't you think?

Fine.

So, the trip is canceled?

What? A trip?

- Yes.
- What trip?

What do you mean, what trip?
Our holiday abroad.

- Ah, yes.
- As we had planned.

Yes of course. But I thought that ...

You went to the travel agent to
cancel the booking of tickets.

No, I have not been to ... Well, yes
I have been to the travel agency,

... Since Jean-Claude needed
to buy a ticket to Madrid.

- Ah. Jean-Claude is going to Madrid?
- Yes, to buy a horse.

A horse. And you're not going with him?

No.

I'm staying, he travels alone.

That's why he reserved a
a carriage with two beds.

For whom? One for him
and one for the horse?

Well, if you want to be so dramatic, yes,
we're going out together on Sunday morning.

His place at the top, mine - at the bottom.
There you go.

Today is Friday. When
were you going to tell me?

- On Monday.
- The day after? Very well.

Saturday, Monday - what's the difference?
Jean-Claude must go to Milan ...

... and I was going to call you.

And how would you explain
your absence?

I'd come up with something.

So yes, I'm stupid, because I drink a lot.

I would have said I was going to see my mother.

Now I begin to understand the "deus ex machina",

... this sinister being with curly hair
and glasses, pulling all the strings.

- And Henry Kissinger is here?
- Your mother!

Listen, Livio, I am very tired.

If you don't mind,
let's talk about it tomorrow.

- I have a terrible headache.
- Of course it bothers me.

This is our last fight,
we are so cursed.

- There is still time until Sunday.
- Not much, to be honest ..

... And it's bad.

Then it is better to end the conversation.
Please, no scenes.

No scenes! We have 10 years of marriage behind us,
we could make a scandal.

Yes.

Oh, I almost forgot, there is in fact
one more little thing: our children.

- Children?
- Yes. The two slightly blond brats.

Wait, what are their names? I have the names
on the tip of my tongue but I don't remember.

Yes, that's funny!

And what about our children now?

They are fine with my mother.
Is there anything else?

No, no.
I wanted to mock, but I will not.

And rightly so.

I have always dealt with the children
and I will continue to do so.

They will live with me and Jean-Claude.
A mother never abandons her cubs.

And can I find out where
our kids will live?

Will they even have a garden to play in?

You know, the poor creatures will only have ...

... 100 hectares of forest, ..

- ... 50 rooms with a private bathroom and a lake.
- What is that, a sports complex?

No. The family castle where Jean-Claude
was born and where his mother lives.

And apart from a forest, what else
does he have that I don't?

The impetus and freshness of a young man.

- A reference to my physical deterioration?
- No, dear, you're all right.

Even when you come home after a game
of poker with your friend Saverio, ..

... Who, by the way, went to the Canary Islands.

- There you go again about Saverio and the Canary Islands!
- No, honey, it's the last time.

So he is exciting and willing?
And what else?

He is much more than that.

He is gentle, thoughtful, kind, ..

... Faithful.

Does he bring the newspaper in the morning
in his mouth and bark at thieves?

That's not the point.

He excites me.

In what sense?

In the truest sense.

He excites me when he speaks,
when he looks at me,

... When he touches me.
When we are ...

Understood, don't go into the
pornographic details.

I won't.

The truth is that I'm also excited.

I feel that, finally, ..

... to someone like me. It's as if
an electric spark runs ...

It seems a very delicate subject.
I'll put on our record.

- Our record?
- Yes, if you do not mind.

Ah, good.

Realizing that I couldn't resist Jean-Claude,
I asked you to see to me ..

... Help me, to take me away somewhere.

I don't know, maybe to the Seychelles
or to Hawaii - somewhere.

But no, you thought it was ...

... a whim ..

- ... And you refused.
- And what would it have done?

You would have always imagined
Jean-Claude on the balcony, ..

... As he sits next to you
in a romantic robe.

Instead you would see me
in my underwear, ..

... flushing the water in the toilet bowl.

And you could throw on a robe and go
to the balcony. I would have wanted it.

You know you're reacting very well?

Imagine, I was waiting for a scene of jealousy,
it would even have been nice.

But no, like an Englishman.

Jealousy?

Why not?

And you're here, with the Frenchman?

I've caught you red-handed!

It's not what you think!

- You deserve to die!
- Please don't shoot!

What an abomination!

You whore!

We're just friends.

"Thirty dead and hundreds
injured in today's clashes ..."

"between the Government troops ...
and the rebels. Such an outcome of heavy ..."

So you go to him,
because there is no spark between us?

- Not only that.
- I repeat the question.

Yes.

According to you, it never existed?

Of course.

Judging by your tone,
it is clear that we didn't.

- Everything used to be so good!
- Not in front of the maid.

What do you want for dinner tonight?
Gnocchi?

- What gnocchi?
- I don't want to eat.

It's better this way, she
doesn't know how to cook.

Do you remember the holiday
last year in Taormina?

when we spent seven
days without leaving the room?

- Sure. It never stopped raining.
- It was so romantic.

Of course! You taught me
to play chess.

Well, at this point I have to admit,
I've blown it in every way.

Come on, you'll find another.

I know, now it seems unthinkable,
but you will.

Well, yes.

- You're very attractive.
- I was, and now - I'm an old stump.

Do not be silly, you're just
10 years older than me ... or 12.

Right now I have another 100.

Youth and appearance -
aren't the main things in life.

Really? Is there something wrong
with my appearance?

No, what's wrong with you! But if you drank
a little less and you excercised a little more ...

Don't worry, appearance only interests
superficial women.

- Statistics.
- Yes?

It's strange, but I like superfical women.

- Yes?
- Very like me.

- Jean Claude liked you.
- Really?

Yes, you seemed to him
very witty.

- The truth?
- Yes. He said that you ...

... were a real Italian.

And he knows what he's talking about.

Jean-Claude ...

I would like to know him.

- Why not?
- We could be friends.

- Yes, it is possible.
- Invite him to come.

- This is too much.
- I'm not proposing to arrange an orgy.

Invite him here, spend the weekend
together: calm, tranquil.

And on Monday take your train to Madrid.

Yes, our marriage has exhausted itself,
but it should end intelligently, ..

... We are modern people.

I don't know, I don't know,
all of a sudden, it's all so fast.

Maybe later?

- What are we going to do? A triangle?
- Rather a rectangle.

- How come?
- Patti's coming too.

- Who's Patti?
- Who is she? My secretary.

Ah, yes the dried pinecone.

Well she seems to have gained a little weight.

- And why is this spy coming?
- To help me with some typing.

Why should I lose on Saturday? -
I'll finish the report.

Well, call him. Come on, come on.

No, I think ..

- ... That it will be awkward.
- Why would we feel uncomfortable?

We are four adults and civilized people.

- He's so shy.
- Jean-Claude?

- This is so unexpected.
- Why would he be surprised?

Come on, call him.

If you don't want to - I'll hang up.

You think I'm afraid?

Hello?

Hello. Listen ..

... I'm here with my husband and ...

Love?

It's me, Lisa.

What voice?

No, maybe I'm just nervous,
and my voice trembles.

Listen, I told him everything.

Yes, I know it's not very diplomatic,
but he already knew everything.

No, no, he accepted with a lot of class.

He's calm, yes. Like an Englishman.

Now we can fly to happiness.

I know we're going by train. I said,
"Fly" in a poetic sense.

Clear?

Hello?

I can't hear. Hello?

- Give it here.
- This phone has never worked.

Hello? Can you hear now?

Here's Lisa.

Hello?

Yes. I don't know what he did,
he just took it and fixed it.

He is very good at things in the house.

Yesterday the toilet broke,
and in a moment he...

- We can speak tomorrow about the water,
tell him about the invitation. - Yes.

Livio wants to meet you.

I know he already knows you,
but he wants to get to know you better ..

He'd like to talk to you about
some details of our separation.

I think so too. He says it's
better to come to his house tomorrow.

Let me. Hello, Arden. Yes, it's me.

Yes, the husband.

Why not come over here tomorrow?
We can spend the afternoon together and chat.

Of course.

You could leave directly from here
on Sunday, you and Lisa.

Yes, to Madrid.

Huh?

What?

Don't be ridiculous;
we're almost in the 21st century.

Of course.

Why not? Lisa agrees.
Say that you agree.

- Yes, I agree if...
- You see, she agrees.

Excellent, I'm glad. Very good.

Of course, until tomorrow. One thing,
Do you know how to play tennis?

Then grab a racket, we'll play
a couple of games. Okay.

Wait, I need to ...

- Why did you tell him to bring a racket?
- Without it, it's difficult to play tennis.

Well, of course. You think that if
you shame him on the tennis court ..

... You'll be able to change the situation?

I'm not a child, why get angry
at someone if I'm to blame?

- No, I am guilty.
- No, it's my fault.

No, no, do not say so.

You do not have anything to do with it,
I cheated on you. It's my fault.

I am the cause, it is fair to assume
all responsibilities.

- In what sense?
- Assume that I cheated on you ...

... As if I had
love affair. Exactly.

- What affair? Is there another?
- No.

No, we have to organize it. You have to catch me
in the act, we could use Cecilia.

- Commit adultery with Cecilia?
- No, we need Cecilia as a witness.

- Yes.
- This is too much for me.

As always, you have not thought about the children ...

- Of course I think of them!
- Well, if you're an adulteress ...

a ruthless and undemocratic judge
will award the children to me,

but it seems to me fair that
the children go with the mother.

Of course, they have to stay with me.

- You know you're very good?
- Yes I Am.

Very, very, very good.

Good night.

The sad thing is, of course, that our
love is gone, but I want ..

... Everything to be honest.

- See you upstairs.
- Where?

- How, where? The bedroom.
- No, I can't.

- Do I have to sleep here?
- I can't sleep with you.

We slept together yesterday
and today we can not?

Yesterday you did not know, or rather,
I did not know you knew.

- And what does it change?
- Yesterday I was a faithful wife.

And now - an adulteress.

- By the way, at the beauty salon ...
- What?

... There was no fire.

I know.

Hello, Patti ...

- Are you ready?
- Yes!

Serve.

- I'm sorry, I was just lucky.
- Good For You! Very good!

- Excellent!
- Excuse Me.

Signora, it will hurt your hands. Let me,
the skin on my hands are as hard as my feet.

Indeed,I always break off all the thorns.

- Have you thought about the wine?
- Ours or the American?

Ours. Would you poison us?

- Good afternoon.
- And who is this hussy?

- Bring my bag, please.
- Yes, yes.

- Signora Stefani!
- Well, did you see everything? I'll fix you!

- I'm Patti, your husband's secretary.
- Yes.

- Ah yes ... the dried pinecone.
- I beg your pardon?

Nothing, nothing.

- Signor Stefani warned you?
- Yes.

- He didn't say anything to you?
- Yes. Yes.

- Yes, yes.
- Look ..

- ... If you don't agree, I can leave.
- Yes.

Well done, bravo!

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

I always said that tennis
would be a wonderful sport ..

... If it were not for those damn rules.

You just need to change
your posture when serving.

The racket should form a straight line,
with the arm extended. Like this.

Livio!

Coming, my dear!

- I'm sorry, "dear" - force of habit.
- It's only natural.

- I'm sorry that you are getting a divorce.
- Livio, I'm sorry, listen ...

- This is your ..?
- Yes.

He's so handsome, imposing,
simply amazing!

Yes.

It's amazing when there is love
and understanding.

- All divorces should be like that.
- Yes. Livio, we have to talk.

- Patti!
- Good afternoon, sir.

- Hi. Did you find us quickly?
- Yes, I paid 20,000 lire for a taxi.

Don't worry. We'll repay you
in Californian wine.

You're familiar with my - how do you
say? - Future ex-wife?

And this is Jean.

- How to put it? - Hubby.
- A pleasure.

Or lover.

- How original - hubby!
- Sorry, I have to talk to you.

- Not now, I have to show her to her room.
- Only a minute.

- We'll be quick. Come on.
- So long.

I must say, your husband
is extremely courteous.

He is a snake.

Snake? I do not know him
as well as you, but ...

Have you seen who he brought?

- Well, she's a bit vulgar, but sweet.
- I don't know. I didn't notice.

In general, the kind of girl
which we call "charmant".

- "Charmant"?
- Yes.

- She's charming?
- Yes.

Eyes - drums, nose - trumpet, ass - Guitar
and hips - mandolin. A quartet!

But what do you have against her?

To me nothing, but I do care
he brought her here...

... at such a delicate moment -
the height of disrespect.

But your husband warned you about her arrival.
Didn't you have an agreement with him?

Yes, of course, but I didn't know
he was talking about today.

- And what's the difference?
- The difference is huge!

- He could wait until we left.
- I think you're jealous.

Jealous, I?

Don't make me laugh.

Then why are you angry? Do you
still care about what he's doing?

- No, I don't care.
- Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?

Okay. Okay.

- You know, I haven't played tennis in a month.
- Don't worry, Livio is always on the court.

Really? In that case,
he should have played better.

How come?

Maybe I was lucky.

What are you saying?
It was you who won?

- You - him?
- And is that so surprising?

- After all, I also play well.

Yes, but Livio ...

Oh, what a lovely house!

So many beautiful things!

Delicious!

- And these are the famous anice eggs?
- No, onyx.

Exactly!

Oh, how lovely! What is it?

- Mother of Pearl.
- Beautiful!

But not madreparola, by the way.

And this! How beautiful it is!

- It's you.
- yes, yes.

- Yes, I posed myself, modestly.
- Beauty! Too bad there is no head.

- It happens.
- Ah, here's the head!

- Yes.
- Why don't you glue it?

- It does not give me ...
- I must say ..

- ... That your house is fantastic!
- Yes, because it was decorated with ...

... A lot of patience, a lot of
care and lots of love.

Lisa!

Did you see how gracious Jean-Claude was?

Why are you so upset?
Such a gift!

- Fabulous! What is it?
- Caviar.

A Box of caviar. 10 pounds, at least.

No, don't exaggerate,
it's just a kilo of caviar.

And 9 pounds of ice. Wonderful!

It comes in handy with this heat.

- Sorry, Liza, do you want to take this into the kitchen?
- Excuse me.

And warn the maid that these aren't
bullets for hunting, but caviar.

- Carefull, it's heavy.
- Yes. Thank you.

Do you see what a sweet little wife -
subservient, obedient.

Please don't spoil it for me.

Lady, you're crazy to let
a girl like that into your home.

Signorina Patti - is my husband's
secretary and must be always at hand.

Oh, I see. What did I tell you?

What do you see?
That they are doing something else?

- That's right, do not doubt it.
- Why not?

Look, Cecilia, do you think when men and women
are together, they can not help but think about it?

- No.
- Poor Signora!

You're beautiful, kind, but stupid.

Want some advice? Make him jealous.

Hook up with a nice guy,
and you shall see what happens.

- Yes, and if he does the same?
- The shovel!

You scratched me, Cecilia.
Shovel. What shovel?

My husband tried it once ..

... And I hit him with a shovel -
He still has the scar.

- Carmine!
- Yes?

- Show the scar to the Signora.
- Yes.

Well, no.

Lucky guy.

A drop of Tabasco.

Stir, and ready.
This is my invention.

Of course, I didn't get
the Golden Shaker for this, but ...

- What's it called?
- I called it the "Attila".

- "Attila"?
- Yes.

Try it.

Where he goes, the grass doesn't grow.

- How is it?
- Not Bad.

You know, I'm increasingly convinced that
My wife has good taste.

- Thank You.
- You're very handsome.

No, please.

No, no, I don't want to embarrass you,
but you have extraordinary physical beauty.

Also you're tall, which bothers me even more.
Isn't that right, Patti?

He is not only beautiful,
but lovable.

- He reminds me of those antique ...
- Well?

- He looks like a Greek statue.
- You see, another of your victims.

You know, I'm hot.
Do you mind if I take a bath?

No, go, go.

Go to refresh that ass.
Note, the countdown has begun.

5, 4, ...

... 3, 2, 1. Look at that ass!

In all my life I've seen only three asses
like that. And just to house the machine!

That's why I hired her.

Please.

- Do you like it?
- A very pretty girl.

No, I was referring to my "Attila".

"Attila"! Yes, very tasty.
And what is there in addition to dynamite?

Well, a little of everything. Drink, drink.

Is it tasty?

By the way, I'll give you this.

Don't forget it while traveling.
It's for Lisa.

What is it?

Metanodina. A restorative
for the nervous system.

Don't get me wrong, Lisa
is very well ... now.

Yes.

She is too sensitive to
disappointments.

But give her one tablet
and she will immediately stop crying.

A little more?

What kind of disappointments?

Any, whatever there may be.

- Who's disappointed?
- Me.

After the beating Jean-Claude
gave me in tennis ...

Ah, yes, I heard that
You lost. Yes, yes.

Lost? 6:1, 6:0,
6:1. It was a rout!

Well, I'll go for a swim.
Who's with me? Then I'll go alone.

4, 3, 2, 1.

Sorry, Jean-Claude, I'm not Patti.

If you hear me call for help,
Do not save me.

- I see that you have become friends.
- Yes.

- He gave you this?
- Yes.

What is it?

- Very tasty - "Attila"!
- No, no, wait!

My love.

- My sweet...
- Hey!

- What are you doing?
- It's poison, he tried to get you drunk.

Still, I must say,
your husband is very nice.

- Well, maybe just a little bit rude.
- Rude? Has he threatened you?

No.

I just mean how he behaves with Patti.

On the other hand,
she has a good pair of tits ...

But you said,
my breasts were charming ...

... and pointed to the sky, like flower buds!

Have you already forgotten?

I remember.

If you want, go to Spain with her!

Honey, what are you talking about?
I only want you.

I've wanted you since the first evening
at the Embassy

- and now I still love you.
- Yes!

Yes!

How cute they are!

Let's dance.

- Cecilia, you're there? What do you want?
- I was looking for the owner.

I'm teaching Signor Arden
to dance the tango.

- Can you come in here, ma'am?
- What is it? Oh, I'm sorry.

He said that he would
cook tonight. He has a surprise.

He's on the beach, go.

Signora, I advise you to talk dirty
with him, to make your husband jealous.

But only when he is present,
otherwise what's the point?

He is preparing a surprise for dinner.

He's up to something.

I think you're exaggerating,
Your nerves are strained.

It started with the game that you thought
you had and yet ...

Of course I won, and easily ...

... 6:1, 6:0, 6:1.

You couldn't win. Don't you see that he has
been trying to make you look like an idiot?

I should say that he has almost succeeded ...

Look, he has done all that ...

... So we would fight.

I'm sorry, darling, come to me.
I love you. Hold me closer!

Forgive me, forgive me.
Let's go to the sofa!

I love you so much!

- So he did it on purpose?
- Yes. But don't think about it. Don't think ..

- ... don't think, don't think about it.
- Are you sure?

No, I told you, do this
when your husband is here.

When he isn't, what's the point?

This a rehearsal, Chichi.
I'm practicing.

What a most bizarre bathroom!

- You know what I mean?
- You said bizarre?

- Yes.
- Well, perhaps bizarre.

Aren't you coming to the kitchen?
What are you, a bodyguard?

Aren't you ashamed to be totally naked,
with your asses in the air?

Wild is fun. What are you, the
League of protection of morals?

No comments or criticism and
don't meddle. Leave!

I hope you all burn!

What is it?

- A wasp stung me!
- Why are you shouting?

I could have a heart attack. A wasp!

- It Hurts!
- All right, go to Lisa ..

... She is a graduate nurse.

- It hurts.
- Sure, wasps hurt.

And remember, wasps only
land on beautiful asses.

Here it is!

Here's the stinger.
No, not the stinger,

but I thought so. Does it hurt?

- Yes, very much.
- Okay.

Well, now we'll find it, don't worry.

Now we pull it out!

No, this isn't it.

- Did it hurt?
- Yes. Also on the other side.

Yes? And you know, the sting moved?

You can't walk the street
with your naked booty.

Here's what happens: I don't see any sign of it.
Here, here? Here, here it is. Yes?

Here it is!

Here's the sting!

Here I've found it!

- Maybe.
- But now my ass is unrecognizable ..

- ... It's all full of holes!
- Well, for once they'll know you by your face.

- It's over.
- What are you doing now?

A massage.

Here we go.

Livio and I came up with this.
But no...

- I am always thinking up everything.
- Fair Enough.

So, tomorrow at 8 am, Cecilia will
bring a coffee latte to my bedroom ..

- and find the doctor in my bed.
- Where he'll come down at five to eight.

She needs to find us in the position
which leaves no doubt.

Yes.

That is lying ...

... Very close to each other.
Like this, you see? But not so.

- Maybe even snuggle.
- Why is that?

- For the plausibility of the scene.
- I see no need.

Also, it isn't necessary to shock Cecilia.

It's enough that she sees you in bed.
Enough.

- Okay, all right.
- Here you go. The massage is over.

Op-la! What was that? That was for
the circulation, very helpful.

- What is it, another "Attila"?
- No, this is "Maromaldo."

It's a bit more treacherous, especially
for someone not used to alcohol.

Don't worry about me.

I don't want Lisa to accuse me
of attempting to get you drunk.

It's nothing. If I get drunk,
it won't be the first time.

Well, okay. You'd better wash up.

What should I clean up?

Lipstick. It's smeared, here.
If you want, I'll help you.

Wait, here are tissues.

Wait.

Here.

Excuse Me.

You're totally covered in lipstick.
What were you doing with Lisa?

You were married?

- Yes. Two or three times. Three, actually.
- Do you have children?

No.

Then you're in luck ..

... As Lisa comes equipped with two lovely kids.

- Damn!
- This time no luck.

You should be glad to take
home Bonnie & Clyde.

Who?

Bonnie and Clyde - these are my children,
that is, ours. In fact, they're yours.

We call them that
because of their tendencies.

- Children should remain with their mother.
- Sure.

Especially with a mother as possessive as Lisa.
You're not familiar with our children?

- No.
- They are lovely!

Especially Clyde, my favorite. Of Course,
you need time to get used to him.

He has a real talent for music.

He is only 8, but he already
plays the drums and trumpet.

We encouraged him to distract him
from playing games with fire.

With fire?

Yes. Of course, he's not a pyromaniac,
but he does like fire.

Over time, this should pass.

Bonnie - on the contrary, is an angel.

She's very restless, always with
a pack of a pranksters.

Playing, screaming, occasionally breaking
something - well, then, they are children.

- Your turn.
- I know, I know.

I'm sorry ..

... We decided to go on "you". (?)

Oh, hell!

You're not to blame, it's the cue.

Of course, no chalk. Look there.

- There's none here.
- Look in the cabinet below.

- In this one?
- Yes.

Oh, no, no, I'm so sorry!

I'm sorry. This is my personal film library.

Pornographic films.

- Very pornographic?
- Well, let's say, intimate.

"Carmen on Horseback", "Lola and the whip"
"Lulu Up and Down" ...

... "Sixty-Nine", "Black and White"
"Deep Ass," "In the depths of your ass."

- You know, I'm the director.
- You?

- Unfortunately, I can't give them to you.
- Why would I need them?

Ah yes, it's true.
The protagonist is now yours,

... If you want,
you can shoot with her.

The protagonist?

Lisa! You did not know?
She starred in all these films.

What a temperament!
You should see her with a whip.

She knows how to control it!
Yes, you know ...

- Are you saying that Liza ...
- Yes, but they aren't for sale ...

... And for personal viewing.
Sometimes we give them to friends.

Look, if she hasn't done
the "Mad cat", ask her.

- "Mad cat"?
- Yes, it's great!

But it can't be done often -
the scratches need to heal.

But of course, in my opinion ..

... The number one movie is
"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

Obviously, she plays Snow White,
well, the Seven Dwarfs ...

are not exactly those of Walt Disney.

- No, that's enough!
- Yes, yes ... enough, I'll make dinner.

- Have you seen my..?
- Ah, the protagonist!

- You've been drinking?
- I knew that you were going to blame me.

No, I'm not drunk!

- I'm sorry, have you seen my whip?
- Oh, no!

Oh, no, no!

- No?
- Oh, no!

Et voila! Forgive the bad
French: Les jeux sont faits.

How beautiful!

Canard � l'orange, which in Italian
is called "Anatra all'arancia".

Amazing!

Yes, it should be noted that this dish
is part of history ...

... The history of love between Lisa and me.

You should know that during our
honeymoon in Paris ...

... Lisa and I ate duck with orange.

Every year, when we were
on our honeymoon ...

... And we did it once a year, we ate
duck with orange. Right, dear?

Yes.

- How romantic!
- This year, however, there will be no trip.

- No, dear. But hurry, the duck will be cool.
- Yes. At least not with me.

Right? because this year you shall make the
trip with Jean Claude.

- She's taking it?
- Just to cut it.

I like to think that life
is a succession of cycles.

One begins and the other ends.

Each stage is embodied
in some visible image: the Duck.

- Eat it already!
- He's a poet.

Thank you. Be advised, I added
a little petikarmo to the duck.

- What is that?
- A spice.

- An aphrodisiac drug.
- An aphrodisiac?

From Polynesia.
You know something about it, pussy?

Pussy knows something.

In truth, ..

How's my duck with orange
with piticarmo, Jean Claude?

- As in "Maxim".
- How delicious!

Zesty.

Honey, ..

... What happened?

The duck.

The petikarmo.

Oh God, I feel it!

Me too. I also feel it.
A strange sensation.

No, you're drunk, that's something else.
I feel it, feel it!

Give me your mouth, give me your hand ...

Yes! Yes, more!

More!

Yes, Yes!

In fact, I added just a little.

How beautiful it is, Mr. Stefani ..

... to see two people carried away
by the pleasure of the senses.

Lisa, I didn't add petikarmo.

No? Well, the power of suggestion!

Eat dessert, it has honey.

This fruit salad?

- Patti, come on.
- Yes, let's go.

Let's leave the lovebirds alone.

- The night is chilly!
- What's wrong? Are you in a bad mood?

- No, no.
- Shall we go to the movies?

Wait, a movie again?
Let's go to the club, it's better!

You must be tired of movies!

Well, what happened?

- Nothing.
- What do you mean nothing?

He said something and you've been sulking
since this morning.

Probably one of his lies.

- Not this time. I saw the evidence.
- Evidence of what?

"Lulu Up and Down."
Doesn't that tell you anything?

"Mad Cat", "Snow White" -
aren't these names familiar to you?

Quietly, speak quietly
and preferably in Italian.

I'm talking about your precious movies,
your porno movies.

Director - Livio Stefani,
starring - Lisa Stefani ...

- ... "The Queen of the whip!"
- Is that what he told you?

Nonsense! Do you want to know
what those movies are?

"Laurel and Hardy in Watchmaker"
"Ridolini and the Bicycle"

... And "Charlotte the firefighter."
These are films for children.

- The truth?
- Yes.

- For children?
- Oui, mon cher.

- Do you swear?
- Yes.

You're disappointed? If you want, we can
try, it sounds great.

- Who will be smacked?
- Lisa, please, this isn't funny!

I told you he was a sadist!

Lisa, let's leave, now!

How?

- Right now?
- Yes, immediately.

But I still haven't even ...

... packed the suitcases.

But Spain is full of suitcases, and has
many markets; leather costs nothing there.

Yes, but you said it's of poor quality.

No, I beg you, let's leave immediately!

I feel like it's very important - ...

... To make a decision right now.

However I think it is
more important that we stay,

Because if we aren't able to
to endure a few hours ...

... What will we do in the future?

No, this will not be an escape,
but a honeymoon.

Everything should be calm, without fear.

- Okay, let's dance.
- Let's Go.

If you want, I'll bring the
whip and a movie camera.

- On the train I usually do!
- So it's true!

No, you can't even make a joke!
Dance.

What are you doing?
A striptease?

You have two children. Are you crazy?

- No, why?
- Where do you think you are, at the "Crazy Horse"?

No, I'm doing the sequel
of "Lulu Up and Down".

And if you don't calm down, I'll also do
"Mad cat" and "Snow White"!

- Signor Stefani, are you ill?
- Yes, I feel bad.

You been jumping too much,
you need to sit down.

Livio! Livio!

Hey!

Livio, what's wrong? What's the matter?

What should we do? Call
a doctor or a priest?

Okay, but for now we'll do this.

Go ahead, Countess Delmaviva
Fernandez de Navarro, Consuelo, ..

- ... Castilla Kanrones and Valenciano.
- I see that you're all right.

- Of course, everything is fine.
- And you were almost dying.

I'm in great shape
and cheerful as a cricket.

- You know, you dance better than ...
- Than who?

Mark Spitz.

Not only that, I swim a lot
better than Fred Astaire.

No!

No, stop it!

Please, Jean-Claude, not in front of everyone.
This is terrible! No, don't!

No, stop it! What are you doing,
lunatic? No, don't.

You're driving me crazy.

- Have a little patience. No, Jean Claude, no.
- Are you calling me darling?

Huh? Yes. No ...

- Patti, do you like nightingales?
- I do not know, I've never tasted them.

No, I'm talking about their singing.
Let's listen to them.

It must be very romantic.

- I'm sorry, I ...
- Lisa!

- Yes?
- You don't mind?

- No, go and be happy.
- I didn't know that nightingales sang.

And whistle.

We have to thank the nightingales.
Finally we can be alone.

This is thanks to Livio we are alone,
nightingales have nothing to do with it.

Have nothing to do with it?

Below the tree is a hidden tape recorder. He
just presses a button and the nightingales sing.

- You're kidding me.
- He has a huge collection of sounds.

Last year at the zoo,
he recorded the roar of a lion.

When he played it here in the evening,
Cecilia almost had a heart attack.

He is quite childish. How did you
put up with him all these years?

He's unpredictable, like a child.
You never know what he will do next.

He always invents something.
A real nightmare!

Now you speak of him with admiration.

Please, what admiration?
He's a buffoon.

I'm not so sure.

But I would not be going with you
if I felt something for Livio.

It would not be the first time
that something happened.

If you're talking about your third wife,
who returned to her former husband,

thanks for the comparison.
Because it was crazy!

It wasn't crazy and that
wasn't what I said!

Yes, even if you didn't say so.

Everything is clear, I'm not a fool.

When you use that nasal voice
you sound shrill, ...

- ... Unpleasant.
- Now I'm unpleasant?

And according to you what should I do
to be pleasant? No, I'm normal, ..

... Like all women, saying
what they feel, because ...

See what you've done? We've quarreled again!
Hold me tight.

- What is it?
- Lipstick.

Don't worry, I only used a little,
And it doesn't stain.

- Are you sure?
- Look.

- Damn, he tricked me again!
- What? How?

In the morning we were kissing.
He told me I was covered in lipstick.

- And you started to wipe it off?
- No, he washed it.

He wanted to know if you
kissed me. He is jealous.

Now you understand why it's impossible
that you won at tennis?

I am afraid that he won.

7 dead and 25 wounded -
the result of an explosion ...

... On the Brenner railway line.
8 cars were blown into the air ...

He's a monster. And we're his victim.

Well, do you like my nightingales?

They are really wonderful.

Man will never be able to sing like that.

Indeed.

You know, if you look ...
Do you see well?

- Yes.- You're not short-sighted?
Then perhaps you'll see them.

- For example, I see one.
- Where?

There's one above the branch,
in its nest. You see?

- No.
- Over there.

Listen. There's another one.

See?

- There it is!
- No, those are cones.

Over there, on the left.
And there are two more.

- Now do you see?
- Oh, yes!

- Ah, yes, there are two or three?
- That's it.

- Boss...
- Yes?

You really brought me here
to hear the nightingale?

Why?

And didn't want to ...?

Maybe, but not now.

I have a special plan for ...

Forgive me, I didn't mean to be vulgar.

Don't worry, Pati. I know you,
you're the finest secretary,

More educated and refined
than ... What's the matter?

- I stepped on some crap!
- Hang On.

Come here.

- This isn't the nightingales.
- Then who?

They've spent over an hour listening
nightingales that don't exist.

Maybe they found
something better to do.

- No, it's not possible.
- No? And the unpredictable Livio?

No, I know it. He'd never
do it at my house.

In addition, he likes
blondes with green eyes.

- In other words, you!
- Yes.

Yes?

Yet tonight he will sleep with her
in your home.

No. He will enter the room
minutes before Cecilia.

- You're still jealous.
- I tell you, no!

Then what do you care what they do?

No, I don't care.

No, I absolutely do not care.

I just do not like it that she's
in my house while I'm still here.

Then let him do what he wants ... Then.

He can even marry her,
I don't mind.

Do you, Patti,
professional career woman, ..

... Hussy and "Dry Pine Cone",
accept as your husband Livio Stefani?

Yes I Do!

And you, Livio Stefani, by profession
Commercial Clown

... Accept as wife
Patti Patacona, here present?

Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Then ...

I do not know
the meaning of the word jealousy.

You have what I call
a crisis of possessiveness.

No, I'm not possessive.

Yes, this is sick
possessiveness.

No, I have no ...

Look, it's already 2am. They're listening
to nightingales, and you speak French.

- Come to bed?
- There's a beautiful idea.

Yes... Yes. Good night.

- Good night.
- Look, maybe it's time to ...

- ... To make love?
- Yes. That is to say, no.

Now I'll explain. I have
a terrible headache, awful.

- Thank you.
- For what?

I had a bet with myself
that you had a headache, and won.

Hold the celebration of victory,
maybe you lost.

What's more, I'm sure you've already lost ...

Good night.

Good night.

So the nightingales sang well?

They are wonderful!

- Imagine, she even saw them.
- Yes.

- What a view!
- And where is our dear friend?

Our friend went to sleep,
as should all good children.

Of course.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Aren't you going to sleep?

No, I need my night cap.

- What?
- The last shot before bedtime.

- Charming!
- Don't you want a drink?

- No, I'm going to sleep.
- Come on.

- Livio!
- Yes?

Remember to put the wool blanket
before going to sleep.

Thanks, but I don't need it,
I'm fine.

Very well.

Then good night.

This is the "Jamaica".

What is it?

- A drop of earthly paradise.
- Beautiful!

Like you.

We'll drink later.

- I'm sorry.
- What?

Nothing, nothing. I'm looking for ...

Sorry, just a moment.

What are you looking for?

I was looking for a ...

... Book, checkbook.

- Do you have a checkbook? - Of course!
- You've always spent my money.

No, no, I tell you I had one,
but now I don't know where I put it.

Where did I leave it?
I think ... I'm sorry.

It's nothing.

No, no, not here.

- No.
- No, not here. Sorry.

- Well, sorry to bother you.
- No problem.

Excuse Me.

Where were we ..?

Have a good night.

- Once again, good night!
- Good night.

Have a good night.

- It all seems a bit ...
- Bizarre.

Bizarre. Just the word
I was looking for. Don't you think?

By the way, when you go to sleep,
don't lock the bedroom door.

- Why not?
- Otherwise I'll have to break through the door.

Yes.

- The question was a little silly.
- You can talk any nonsense you want.

These feathers!

No, don't pay attention to me.
I only want a glass of water ..

... Terribly thirsty.
I do not know what I ate.

Hey, where are you going? To drink water
from the sea? The kitchen isn't there.

I'll go out into the garden, there's a fountain.
It's much cooler.

- Well, I'm going to bed.
- Yes!

Oh, I forgot, did we decide to
sleep together or not?

No!

Well, you decide.

Any solution is good to me.

Great idea - champagne!
Thank you, you're very kind.

I had an incredible thirst!

You said you were going to go
with her only in the morning.

I said that you wouldn't find me in that
room, but when - I didn't elaborate.

Look, Livio.

- After all, we have an agreement.
- Yes?

Now you say that you're dying to go to her.

- No, I'm worried.
- That you will look like a fool?

No. After all what's it to you?
You're already tied to your Jean Claude.

I got involved, I am going with the man I love.
And that's tomorrow morning, not tonight.

- I don't see the difference.
- In vain.

- Give me a glass, I'm going to the room.
- Livio!

We have spent 10 years together,
don't those ten years mean anything to you?

Don't I deserve a little respect?

Why not end with dignity?

Don't go to her.
Let's drink champagne together.

You know where you can stick your dignity, your
respect and pride? In the toilet!

No, please!

What's going on?

- Nothing, he ...
- This man is bothering you?

It doesn't concern you. Go
in your room and sleep well ..

... tomorrow expect a long day.
Note that I said "you".

No. I have no secrets from him.
I demand that Jean stay here.

Is that clear? Let's be civilized
and sit down and talk.

Yes, to the negotiating table.
Let's call the President.

Ha-ha-ha! Very funny!

Not Bad.

- Repeat that.
- Ha-ha-ha!

No, don't let him draw you into his game.

- We're on a different plane. Is that clear?
- Maybe you're right.

- End of discussion, let's go to bed.
- Very Well.

No, I mean each to his own room.

and your room is this one here.

But just tonight.

So Long.

Good night.

That's the 14th time this evening.

And it's the last.
I want to make that clear.

Patti!

- Stop. Where are you going?
- I wanted to put my shoes outside the door.

Incidentally, this is not a hotel.
And where are the shoes?

- Oh! Ha-ha-ha!
- Excellent, but you repeat.

Patti!

Honey, I can't sleep.

Sleep, come on, did you forget the bet?
Do you want to lose 10 thousand lire?

They're already lost,
I put them in another pocket.

Let me stay with you with you.
Only a little while.

- Darling, we agreed.
- Please, I can't sleep.

You can't imagine the noise
those two make.

... Like a zoo during the mating season.

You're naive, it's Livio again.
How are they screaming?

- Exactly.
- So? I know it by heart.

- You know?
- Of course.

It's a recording he made in Africa
two years ago.

"Voices of the forest". He wants
to convince us they're making love.

No, no, my dear, I assure you
it was a man and a woman making love.

Yes no. I tell you, no!

They are Marikina monkeys - inhabitants
of the forests of Uganda. Listen.

Do you hear? Well that is
the nasica, or "Nasal Larvatus" in heat.

Listen.

I've heard it a thousand times, okay?

And this is the hamadril or,
scientifically, mandrilus trinitatus.

Do you hear?

You see?

- Maybe it's a suggestion.
- Yes.

Tonight I also
feel like a Mandrill.

Can I stay with you?

Mandrilus, back into the jungle,
because the white woman ...

... is not well. A terrible headache.
Let her be.

So why don't you drink some metanodin.

- I would, but I don't have any.
- I have some.

- Really?
- Yes.

Dear! Where did you get it?

- Livio gave it to me this morning.
- But I don't need it!

How many times must I tell you, I'm fine!

As you wish. Good night.

Good night.

Wait, Jean-Claude.

Forgive me.

If I feel better, I'll come.

Well, enough of imitations.

It's time to do this for real.

Dear Patti, ..

... a toast and then, here we go!

Signor Livio, it will be wonderful!

- I hope I won't disappoint you.
- And I hope I won't disappoint you.

Monkeys.

Marikina monkeys.

Monkeys.

You are a miracle!

No, that's not the "Mandrillus Trinitatus".

- That is the "Mandrillus Italicus".
- Oh, how nice. Oh, how good it is!

That certainly is the "Ignota Vulgaris".

Oh, really?

Well, I'll show you!

Ah, Signor Livio!

You are a real man.

I don't know why you haven't become
President of Fiat.

If only ...

Yes!

No! No, no, please, no!

Yes, I beg you ...

- That's your wife's voice.
- Yes.

Oh, no!

No!

Dear God!

No!

Jean Claude, I beg you.
You're terrible!

Not that! That yes!
Not that!

No!

Oh yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes, more!

More, yes! Yes, still, yes!
Don't stop!

Oh, Jean-Claude, no, don't!
Not in Italy, no!

No! No!

I beg you, don't!
I can't take anymore, Jean-Claude!

I'm going to die!

- More! More! Yes yes!
- Oh, sir, so good!

- Yes, come on!
- More!

- Beautiful! How beautiful it is!
- Yes, it is!

Dear God! More, yes!
Oh, it's delicious!

Lord, how good it is!
Oh God, this is wonderful!

- What bliss!
- Mamma mia, it's something!

You're the best!

You are beautiful!

You are the most amazing!

Don't stop! Oh God,
just don't stop!

Dear God!

Oh, bliss! What a man!

The first real man.

No. No!

Again?

But what will you do in Spain?

Oh, no!

- Yes!
- What's going on?

She's with that jerk ...

Pardon.

Yes yes!

No. No!

Lisa!

What's wrong?
Are you okay?

No. No.

No. I ...

I was doing gymnastics, bicycling.

Of course, the bike.
I do it every morning: one-two, one-two.

Calmly tell me everything in order.
You brought breakfast to the Signorina.

I went to the door and knocked,
and she said: "Come in." I opened it.

Yes. So what?

I see that slut naked,
and Signor Livio with her, also naked ..

... In an embrace - one foot here,
another there, and her bare ass out!

And the boss said: "Good morning, Cecilia.
What time is it? "

And what did you do?

I threw the tray on the floor and ran away.

Bravo, Now we have to use my mother's service!

- And how was he, happy?
- He licked his mustache like a cat!

It's not true!

You're a sex maniac and invent stories.
You don't know anything about this.

Signor, my husband and I
make love every night.

- Carmine, come and show your lady.
- No, you don't need to. Go.

Caught in the act!

Now you die!

You disgusting adulterer.

And you, you little bitch!

Mama mia!

What have I done?

Why shoot them?

I'm a modern woman, ..

... Balanced. I'll apply for divorce.

I can be a witness. I can tell everything.
Don't worry, he'll pay for this!

Calm down, Cecilia, calm down.

He isn't guilty, okay?

It's more my fault than his, fortunately.

What are you saying, ma'am?
you're being cheated on, you're a saint.

Cecilia, I want to be honest with you.
honest. I'm having an affair, okay?

What?

I have an extramarital relationship.

How is it illegitimate?

Cecilia, ..

- ... I have a ... affectionate friendship.
- What is a "affectionate friendship"?

Chichi, ..

... Badaboom, badaboom, badaboom! For
3 months with Signor Arden. Is that clear?

So you aren't being cheated on,
and you're a slut too.

Slut!You're so old-fashioned!
We are getting married.

In the meantime, we're going to Spain.
By the way, bring down the suitcases.

You know, you didn't even say "bonjour"
this morning.

I didn't?

Bonjour.

Thank you.

Is it possible that your husband spending
the night with Patti left you in a bad mood?

No, what's wrong with you?

They did nothing.
I know Livio too well.

I think this time you're wrong.
I could hear everything from my room.

No! There you go again.

I told you they were the monkeys!
All right, enough.

So in your opinion, when
monkeys make love ..

... They say, "You're a first-class whore"?

- Whore?
- Yes.

- You're sure you heard that?
- Yes, yes.

Then he ...

Don't be vulgar, I beg you.
It was "mandrilus trinitatus"!

- Don't be angry.
- No.

Who cares? Your husband comforted
himself with a certain charmant girl ..

- ... So what?
- Who is "charmant"?

If it's her, it's a monster!
Only to scare children!

In addition, everyone says
she's a dried pinecone!

Then why all this?
You agreed with Livio.

We agreed that he
would go into her room ...

... 3 minutes before Cecilia arrived,
to surprise her.

She would have seen them together side by side,
but not on each other, so why then?

This is ridiculous. Furthermore,
it's 9:00 already, why he hasn't he come down?

- Lisa!
- Couldn't he wait until tomorrow?

- Has he forgotten that I'm still his wife?
- And have you forgotten that you're about to be mine?

I'm sorry, darling. Take me
out of this house, let's go away from here!

He is a beast, a wolf!

Good Morning, pigeons.

Excellent day for travel.

- Did you sleep well, friend?
- Fine, thank you.

And you?

I, too, thank you. I won't ask you;
I guess you slept fine.

Wonderful. Mission accomplished,
objective achieved.

Cecilia told you everything, I hope?

She said: "One foot here,
another there, and her bare ass out. "

So, now you can go
with a clear conscience.

- Sure, honey.
- Have you prepared your suitcase?

- Yes, dear.
- You didn't forget anything?

No, dear.

Once she even forgot the suitcase.
Can I have some coffee?

Where should I bring it?

It is tremendous!

I warned you. When she wants,
she can hurt you.

I think that you can expect
a turbulent ride.

Don't worry.

"Today there are 41 dead in Bangladesh
in clashes between ..."

And here is the monkey!

I'll finish packing.

- Good Morning.
- Good Morning. ... Pardon me.

- She is angry with me?
- Don't worry, ..

... delicious companion of my erotic games.

Signiora knows?

Yes, the spy Cecilia has
already broadcast the news.

Anyway, all this
seems very bizarre.

- That's it.
- Do you mind if I take another bath?

- Of course.
- Ciao!

Attention.

5, 4 ..

... 3, 2, 1.

Bam!

You know, I've only seen
two or three such asses.

However, it seems to me that
I already told you.

- Is something wrong?
- What would be wrong?

It's the journey with Lisa that's
created certain problems, right?

There's no problem.

I think you have a troubled look.
Or am I mistaken?

You are mistaken.

Nerves of Steel?

You know, in my opinion, you have
the wrong tactics with women.

Maybe this might seem intrusive,
but tell me ..

... Did your three previous wives
leave you, or you them?

Neither one nor the other. My three divorces
passed by mutual agreement.

I wouldn't want Lisa, the fourth wife, to end up
like the three others, in the trash.

You are talking as if you were
giving the hand of your daughter,

but Lisa has freely chosen
between you and me.

Your marriage is over,
whether you like it or not.

I think you're right.

- Can I have one last conversation with Lisa?
- Of course.

And I would like ...

... Another cup of coffee.

Please make yourself comfortable.

- Aren't you hot in that suit?
- You frightened me!

I'm very timid and you know it.

I'm sorry.

It looks good on you.

It's hot, of course,
but I don't know what to wear.

We chose this dress together.

We chose a lot of things together: this
house, my ties, your clothes - ...

... Everything.

Everything, everything, everything, everything. No.

Ah, yes, except this gentleman ...

... Who is down there drinking coffee,
and thinking about his fourth divorce.

There you go again, Livio?

I'm doing everything I can.

- Yes?
- Lisa ..

... I'm desperate.

Yes, I heard you desperately
shouting last night.

You should sit down, you must be
exhausted. You need to rest.

I'm fine.
Cheerful as a cricket.

How could you, Livio, eh? Right
next door, the room next to mine.

- I thought about you.
- That's why you yelled: "You're a first-class whore"?

- Didn't you have fun?
- Me, I had a great time.

If you wanted, you could
have avoided it.

Yes, by giving you a whack on the head.

- Everything else is done.
- And renounce Jean Claude.

- Understand, this is not a love affair.
- Then make it an affair.

Yes, like yours with Patty
Anna-Maria, Rosa, Giovanna, ..

- ... Pascaline and Zaira.
- So, I know who stole my notebook.

Soon women will also have a notebook.

- And then? You have to marry him?
- It don't have to; I want to get married.

Do you know what kind of life
is waiting for you with him?

- I know what life was like with you.
- Monotonous, boring, no surprises.

Yes, that's fine.
I've had enough surprises.

I'm fed up with betrayals,
lies and all the rest.

I'm tired. It's over.

Wait, what will happen with our two brats -
What are their names? Our children ...

They'll be fine with Jean Claude.

You're slurping your spaghetti again?

Sorry, Mr. Arden,
it wasn't intentional.

It's not his fault, it's the
Spaghetti. It always makes noise.

No! No, don't hurt him!

He still has bruises from last time.

- It's necessary to teach him a lesson,
and I'll do it! - No!

No, don't torture my son!

It's for his own good,
dear. You, come with me.

Mom!

My baby! My Dear!

- Mother!
- It's for his own good.

No!

- Jean-Claude is very good.
- He's strange.

- He's in love.
- And rabbits copulate.

In six months or a year,
you will remember a playmate

... With whom you spent a couple
happy hours. And maybe ...

You'll want to come back to see it,
but you can not,

because we will not be
at home to anyone.

We?

- We, who?
- You think I'll be alone in this big house?

- What will you do?
- I'll hire a housekeeper.

- What housekeeper?
- Well ...

Like Patti?

I hadn't thought of that!
Great idea.

- And she will move in my house?
- Maybe, but so what?

She will have my plates,
sit on my chair, ..

... Smell my flowers
and sleep in my bed?

Of Course. But if she prefers
to eat in your bed, ..

... Sleep on your flowers
and sit on your plates.

- You've made your choice?
- Of course, yes. Finished.

- Goodbye.
- It's over, goodbye. It's all over.

They won't come here, because if ..!
Oh, I'm sorry.

- What are you doing? Playing with cushions?
- No, it was for Livio.

I beg you, my love, enough of my husband.
Take me out of here. I beg you!

- Okay, okay, let's go.
- Yes, yes, before I change my mind.

- Get me out of here. Take me.
- Why? Do you intend to change your mind?

Who?

What if I change my mind?
I- I do not. What did I say?

You said: "Take me,
before I change my mind again. "

No, not in that sense,
that I wanted to leave my husband ...

... And marry you.
That was the idea.

Or perhaps you've changed your mind about our
trip and decided to stay here with him?

No, but ...

- You really thought of that?
- Yes.

- Say it again.
- Yes.

Do you really want to drop this loser?

- Yes.
- Here's a miracle!

Excuse me, but ...

I must remind you, Lisa, we have
to go to catch a plane.

- An airplane? Wasn't it a train?
- No, the plane will arrive much sooner.

But I can't stand airplanes - they give me
palpitations. I was already feeling bad.

You heard her. The lady wants
to keep her current husband.

- Who? Who said that?
- Yes, you said you wanted to drop the loser.

No! I mean, yes. I said that
the idea crossed my mind,

But then I thought better of it ...

... And decided to still leave
with my loser.

- Sorry, I was not myself.
- I'm sorry, Lisa, if you change your mind ...

- No.
- If this man ...

... can convince you using blackmail,
you're free to stay.

No, I want to go with you, but ...
what time does the train leave?

Yes, they are not very reliable,
but maybe we can still take the train?

- No, on the plane.
- On the airplane? At what time?

In 50 minutes.

Let's take the next flight.

What are you doing? Another bet?

We had already bet you would not
travel by train or by plane.

So I called my yacht.

Bear in mind that I have a lot of things.

Hello, is this the port?

Please give the order to fuel the yacht Maximus.
We leave in half an hour. Thank You.

She's dripping all over the carpet!

Don't worry, I wiped my feet in the sand.

Ah, right?

I must say you are very
lucky that you are going to Spain.

I have long dreamed ...

... of seeing the pyramids, elephants ..

... Camels. But alas, ..

... tomorrow I have to go
to the office to work.

But I wanted you to know ...

... It was a marvellous weekend!

- Just a little ... bit ...
- Bizarre.

Yes!

Bizarre, bizarre, that's what
I meant ... bizarre.

- I'd forgotten.
- You taught her this word? Clever, you're girlfriend!

Ok, now I understand everything.

- What do you understand?
- You're still in love with him and he with you.

And I was just a passing adventure.

Well, thank God,
finally, it came to you.

Jean-Claude, bon voyage!
We will visit Spain, but without you.

- Wait, don't rush ...
- Lisa, I'm going alone.

Now I'm the one that has
changed my mind. Goodbye Lisa,

And you too, Livio.

Oh wait, I forgot to give you something.

I could not accept any gift,
especially from you.

It's something I wanted to give you,
but I had no chance.

- And what is that?
- This!

- No!
- Oh, shit!

What happened to your hand? Show me.
Dear, are you hurt?

Excuse me.

Hello? Ah, Mom, it's you.

No, I haven't left yet. I'm about to.
No, I'm going with Jean Claude.

Yes, Spain, we're getting married. Yes,
forever and ever. You were right about Livio.

Yes, a drunkard. I can not,
he's a savage maniac.

Yeah, okay. Goodbye, Mom.

Enough, this is really unbearable.
It can't continue like this all my life. Enough.

I'm sorry, dear, for myself ...

... And on behalf of this beast.

Don't ask forgiveness for me.
I am ready to say it myself.

This is not necessary. We're leaving.

Instead of rudeness and violence
I choose intelligence.

- And tenderness. Let's Go.
- Come on, dear.

I'm sorry Livio, but that punch
was a big mistake. You know, as they say:

"A la guerre, comme a la guerre."

Come on guys faster, move!
Are you ready to lift anchor?

- Have you checked everything?
- Yes.

- Lisa, please, take off your shoes.
- Yes.

Excuse Me. Excuse me, signora.

Jean Claude, don't you think that
the sea is a bit rough?

Rough?

- Are you crazy?
- Yes.

- What's so funny?
- Go to the stern.

I'm coming!

Let's do this.

Lisa!

- Do you need anything?
- No, no.

No, sorry.

Lisa!

Damn, it's always like this!

Imagine that!

Lisa!

Lisa!

Lisa!

May you be unhappy wherever you are.

Lisa!

Lisa!

Hey!

Moron, ..

... Get me out! I've been swimming
nearly three miles.

- Help me!
- Lisa!

- What are you doing here?
- Lisa, come on. The engine broke down.

- Help.
- I wanted to catch up with you.

- Here we go.
- Come on, come on!

No!

- You came back to me, huh?
- No, I left him.

- Okay, let's go home.
- Yes, let's go home.

Yes. Slowly, we have children.

Lisa!

- Dear God!
- What is it?

Dear God! He's coming for us,
watch out! Watch Out!

adapted from Russian, Spanish,
Portugese and Romanian subs
September 2015 by Horace Holly

resynched to Italian/Spanish print February 2017
Intended for free distribution only