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- Yeah! Whoa!
- CARL: Fuck, yeah!

- Yeah!
- Lewis! We did it, baby.

- Five hundred big ones.
- RICHARD: Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.

- LARRY: Here you go, Carl. Enjoy.
- Thank you.

- Great game. Great game. Great game.
- All right, buddy.

- Take care of yourself.
- Do you believe we lost to them?

- No.
- It's unbelievable.

Uh, we'll get your car
right away, Mr. David.

What a day on the links, huh?

I've never seen him play like
that before. That was amazing.

- RICHARD: I'm on a roll.
- Yes, you putted extraordinarily well.

I have some magic touch lately.
I don't know what it is.

And I had a great partner.
You were good. Don't...

All right, we'll buy lunch.
All right?

Yeah, we'll buy lunch.
Where do you wanna eat?

Oh, boy. What sport.

- You made $500 each.
- Yeah, you win $500,

and you're gonna buy us lunch.

- Oh, you're, you're great guys.
- So name the restaurant.

Wherever you wanna go.

- Let's go to Tiato's.
- Tiato's.

Yeah. I've heard
good things about it.

Hey, I'm in a great mood.

Wherever you wanna go,
we'll go, all right?

- JEFF: You better enjoy my money.
- I'm starving.

- Okay, I'll see you at the restaurant.
- Wha... What is this?

- My new car.
- You bought a Bentley?

- I been, I been a...
- I've never met anyone who owned a Bentley.

People... They'll follow you home
and, and kill you.

- Yeah. Much safer in a Subaru Outback.
- And take your car.

All right, you're a little jealous
of the Bentley, aren't you.

- I'm not jealous, I'm concerned.
- I'm not jealous.

- I'll see you at the restaurant, losers.
- Yeah.

He never missed a putt the whole day.

Not one putt.

Ah, just a lucky day.

CARL: That is odd, isn't it?

JEFF: I don't know.
No more than once a week.

Really? Cheryl and I had
sex four times a week.

- You did?
- RICHARD: Really?

- Yeah.
- You know, me and Veronica,

once a week, too, which is a shame,

'cause she's got this...

she got this...
she's got this magical vagina.

Huh? What the hell
are you talking about?

Huh? What does that mean?

I can't really explain it.
But I've never seen anything

or felt anything like this.
There's just something...

supernatural. It's just magic.
Just, you know what?

Forget it. It doesn't matter.

Forget it?
You expect me to forget it?

I'm sorry I brought it up.
I, I, I, I don't wanna talk about it.

No, don't be sorry.
We're not gonna say anything.

It just kind of...
It's like this little hummingbird nest.

It's got this mind of its own.
It's just alive.

- A mind of its own.
- CARL: Yeah. You could say that.

- Holy shit.
- JEFF: Never heard such a thing.

- (PHONE DINGS)
- JEFF: Yeah.

- Holy shit. Really?
- (RICHARD LAUGHING)

- JEFF: What's the matter?
- Holy fuck.

Le'Veon Bell, out for the season.

You know how much money
the Jets paid for this guy?

You have any idea of how
much the Jets paid for him?

He's out for the whole
goddamned season.

- Really?
- Season's over,

before it even started.

RICHARD: Please. Just... Carl. Carl.

This is just football...

- It's not just football!
- Hey, hey, hey.

It's not just football.

JEFF: What is wrong with you?

Patriots walk all over
everybody. It's over.

Carl, come on.
Settle down, man. Honestly.

- It's too much.
- RICHARD: There's more to life.

The three of you, just eat your
food and shut up. Leave me alone.

JEFF: You say this over and over.

What are your expectations?

You're talking about them
like they're the Patriots,

and then they're suddenly cursed.

They're terrible,
year in and year out.

And you beat yourself up,
and it makes me sad.

Well, why do you
take it on personally?

You're not the general manager.

- CARL: Just doesn't stop.
- RICHARD: Like a mob movie.

- JEFF: What's going on?
- Huh.

JEFF: What, you...

I don't know. Something strange
going on in this restaurant.

- JEFF: Tell me.
- Am I crazy...

or is everyone in that
section way better looking

than the people in this section.
Look. Look around.

JEFF: You are not imagining things.

LARRY: And now look here.
It's like there's

a good-looking section
and an ugly section.

You think it's random?
Why would they do something like that?

It just seems, it's,
it can't be a coincidence.

I'd like to come here again
without you guys.

You know, who knows? Maybe if I

came here by myself,
I wouldn't be sitting here.

Why do you think
you shouldn't be here?

'Cause I know I should be
in that section.

You look like Einstein's
gardener, for Christ's sake.

You're never gonna get in there.

So who wants to bet? You wanna bet?

If I come with you,
I bet they keep you here,

- and they move me over there.
- Oh, yeah. Right.

- What are you talking about?
- Are you the reason we're over here?

Yeah, I'm the dog in the group.

All I know is, somebody at this table

prevented us from sitting over there

and I think you know who it is.

Oh, I do know who that is.

Oh, I know who it is.

- Oh. Excuse me.
- Yes.

How are you enjoying
everything at Tiato?

- Delicious. It was delicious.
- MANAGER: Wonderful.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear.

I couldn't help but notice

that the people sitting on that side

seem to be way better looking

than the people sitting on this side.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

LARRY: You know what I think?

- You have a good-looking section.
- MANAGER: Uh-huh.

And you have an ugly section.

Why would be we do that?

I don't know. Why would you?
You tell me.

I can't tell you, because
there's no truth to it.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

♪

Good day, sir. How are you?

(CHUCKLES): Oh, my God.

Oh, geez.

I don't mean to be rude, but...

Would you mind just leaving for a...

- a couple of minutes?
- Leave?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, I'm serious.

I got a big job to do, and, and...

And I can't do my job,
if you're doing your job.

No, I'll be quiet. No problem.

No, it's not a question of that.
You're here.

I need privacy. I need distance.

I need to be alone.

Eh, my boss.

I'll get in a lot of trouble.
You know what I mean?

What's the trouble?
You, you, you stepped

outside the room for a minute.
So what?

People need me here to, you
know, take care of business.

No, no, they don't need you here.

This is not a job for human beings,

to be here when other people

are going to the bathroom.
Nobody wants you here!

Everybody's disappointed
when they walk in here.

They don't want to see you,
I'm sorry to say.

With all due respect,
people come in here with bad breath.

I got, I got mouthwash.
People come in here,

you know, look, I need a little
spruce-up. I got cologne here.

They would gladly sacrifice the gum,

the cologne, the mints,

anything you have here,
for some privacy.

They would.
They'd sacrifice it in a second.

- People, I have a purpose here.
- When an animal goes to die,

it leaves the pack.
That's what needs to happen here.

I need to be alone.

I'm a dying animal.

- I don't know what to tell you.
- Okay, look. Look.

I'll give you 20 bucks for you
to leave this room right now.

And I'll tell you what,

I'm opening up a coffee shop, okay?
Latte Larry's.

I'll give you a free cup of
coffee and a scone for a week.

- Okay?
- I've seen the signs for that.

Yeah, all right. Well,
that's what I'm prepared to offer you.

All right.

- Yeah, well, make it quick, please.
- Yeah. Make it quick.

Yeah. I'll, I'll, I'll do what I can.

Sam Winokur.
You know I know your dad, right?

- Yeah.
- From, from the golf club.

- He told me you're his favorite patient.
- Oh, well. Yeah.

Um... so.

- You wanna work here part time?
- I do.

- You drink coffee?
- Yeah.

- You make it yourself?
- Yeah.

We have a coffee maker at the house.
Grind up the beans.

Do you know what a latte is?

The latte is just espresso
and steamed milk.

Kid know his shit.

Okay. Do you know what
milk consideration is?

I'm afraid I don't. No.

You pour too much coffee in a cup,

you're not leaving room for the milk.

'Cause then it's,
you have it spilling over the top.

- Yeah. Exactly.
- Right.

Have you ever dealt
with the public before,

- in any way?
- Well, at my dad's office,

I mean, you have dozens
of new patients a day.

(SCOFFS)

You know, all different...

Yeah, no.
That's not what I'm talking about.

- No?
- The people who go to your dad's office,

nothing near what you would be
seeing here on a daily basis.

Oh, really?

Most of the people who
come in here are gonna be,

you know, just disgusting
human beings.

- How do you mean?
- Vile. Vulgar.

The dregs of society.

- I think I'm up to the task.
- You do?

- Yeah.
- You know what?

- (SLAPS)
- You're hired.

Thanks so much, Larry.
I won't let you down.

Okay.

- I don't think you will.
- I'm sorry. While I have you here,

I couldn't help but notice you
scratching at that rash...

Oh, yeah.

...on the side of your
neck during the interview.

Have you had a chance
to have that looked at?

You know, I haven't.

Well, I mean, just looking at it,

I can tell you I'm
not very concerned.

- Mm.
- And I really think it's no more than

just a moderate outbreak
of atopic dermatitis.

So there's a number
of over-the-counter

topical ointments you could use,

steroidal creams, cortisone,
I could recommend.

Mm-hmm.

Something like that should
clear up in a few days' time.

Okay, well, you know what?
That was very impressive.

- Oh, sure. Thanks.
- With all due respect,

I think I'll go see your dad.

- Thank you.
- Okay. Can I ask, uh, why?

Yeah. 'Cause he's a doctor.

- Great to meet ya.
- Thanks again, Larry. I appreciate it.

- Okay. You're welcome.
- I won't let you down.

- I don't think you will.
- Have a good day.

All right. You, too.

- That's a good fuckin' kid, right there.
- He's gonna work out.

- LEON: Yeah.
- Yeah. Oh!

- Oh, fuck.
- Man, I got snagged again on this thing.

I know.

All this shit.
All this is snagging hazards.

- These. These. All that shit.
- Yep. Absolutely.

Walking with a hot coffee and
shit, shit grab your pants.

The shit pour on your fuckin' chest.

- We gotta get some new handles.
- Yeah.

- MAN: Hey.
- Fuckin' snagging hazard.

Um...

I'm Harold. The, the bathroom
attendant from the other day.

I got fired for leaving my post.

- Oh, my God. Really?
- Yeah.

- He fired you?
- Yes.

- What an asshole.
- So whatever you can do

to get my job back,
I would appreciate it.

- LEON: Mm.
- 'Cause you were the one that, you know,

invited me to leave the room.

But you know what, if I may say?

Maybe a blessing in disguise.

The bathroom is a palace of shame.

And having someone
watch you in there, it just,

it doubles down on the shame.

Just talk to the restaurant
manager, please. Okay?

Okay, I'll talk to him.

LEON: Hey. My man.

You got those little mints and shit

you guys have on the fuckin' counter?

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

LEON: Yeah.

Still fuckin' working. Look at you.

- Huh.
- For me?

- Thanks.
- My man.

- That's for you. My man.
- Thank you, brother.

That's from both of us.

LEON: I can't stop thinking
about that magical vagina.

When you use the word "magical,"

that's takin' that shit
to another level.

I wanna see what the fuck that is.

- Yeah, me, too.
- That fuckin' vagina

could pull a rabbit
out of that motherfucker.

- Yeah.
- Or, like, put this fuckin' Pop-Tart

in that fuckin' vagina
and toast that shit.

- Aah.
- There you go.

- Now that is fuckin' useful, magical...
- That's, that's magical vagina.

- That's fuckin' magical. Huh?
- That's exactly right.

(RING TONE PLAYING)

Hello?

Hey. Did you hear about Carl?

Carl? What?

He, uh, he killed himself.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What?

Yeah. Yeah.

What the fuck?

Jeff (OVER PHONE): I know.
It's unbelievable.

I mean, he was, he was playing great.

What did he shoot?
He shot, like, 82 or something.

How do you kill yourself
when you're playing so well?

I know.

- Did he leave a note?
- JEFF: Yeah.

He said, "I can't take
any more disappointment."

Holy shit.

- JEFF: What the hell's he talking about?
- Holy shit.

"I can't take any more
disappointment."

That's what he used to say when we

would watch the Jet games together.

"I can't take any more
disappointment."

That's an exact quote.

- Really?
- Jeff, I've seen that guy sob

after losses.
During games, I've seen him sob.

Who knew he was so tortured?

And they just kept losing,

and it kept eating at him,
and eating at him.

And he just... he couldn't
take any more disappointment.

Oh, my God.

The Jets killed Carl.

- And a little bit of the Knicks.
- JEFF: That's nuts.

The Jets killed him.

I want to send Veronica
a condolence text.

You have her number?

Yeah, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna text her one, too.

Okay.

(HANGS UP PHONE)

Fuck happened?

Carl. The guy whose wife
has the magical vagina.

He killed himself.
'Cause of the fucking Jets.

- Hmm.
- LARRY: I gotta write a...

condolence text to the widow.

- Oh, man.
- LARRY: "Dear Veronica,

"Just heard about Carl.

So sorry."

(LEON SIGHS)

LARRY: What else?
I need something else.

"Try and make the, uh,

- the best of it."
- Ooh.

I don't know.
I can't come up with a third line.

Maybe you can write, "I wish...

your magical vagina
could have saved him."

- Yeah. Somethin' like that.
- Somethin' like that.

"Would love to get a glimpse
of that magical vagina."

Mm.

"Is it possible I can test
drive that motherfucker?"

- "We have many questions."
- LEON: Many questions.

"My friend and I have many questions
about your magical vagina."

Yes.

"One day, perhaps you'll
get around to answering them.

- When it's appropriate."
- I fuckin' love that.

- (PATS) Great.
- LEON: It's to the point. And it's short.

- Larry. Good to see you.
- Oh. Hey, Doc.

You hear about Carl?

Yeah. Terrible.

Why would somebody
do something like that?

Well...

It was the Jets.

My God.

He just couldn't take it.

It ate him up inside.

- What a catastrophe.
- I know.

Last year started with such promise,

then Darnold gets mono...
season's over by game three.

I'm talking about his widow, Veronica.
His family.

That's the catastrophe.

Oh, of course, yeah.

You've still got a rash there, Larry.

- Yeah.
- You know, I'm a little offended.

My son gave you a free consult,

and he told you what was wrong.

And you kind of poo-pooed it?

Yeah. Of course I poo-pooed it.

What, he's not a doctor.

He's the son of a doctor.
That should be good enough.

Ah, not really. I mean,
I don't want to listen to

Louis Armstrong's son
play the trumpet.

- Want me to check out your rash?
- Would you?

- Absolutely.
- Thank you.

That's atopic dermatitis.
Otherwise known as eczema.

Over the counter,
you can get some cortisone.

It should go away.
What did my son say?

- He said exactly the same thing as you.
- The same thing. You see?

He knows what he's doing.
He's got... It's in the blood.

Yeah.

- Hope you get better. Cortisone.
- Yeah.

DAVE: Jimmy, what's the rule on this?

He swung, the club head fell off.

But he followed through.
That's a stroke, right?

Decision 14-2.

A stroke is defined by
forward movement

of the club to the ball.

A shaft in itself is not a club.

- No penalty.
- GOLF PLAYER: Ah, yes!

- Aw, fuck you, Jimmy.
- Read the rule book.

Wow. Jimmy.

- You know your stuff.
- You better believe it.

Let me ask you something.

Is there such a thing as a
putter being too straight?

Definitely.
Look at this putter, here.

- Has a tilt, right?
- LARRY: Yeah.

Definitely not 90 degrees.

- Has to have at least 10 degrees of tilt.
- Yeah.

So it can't have it more
than an 80-degree angle?

Correct.

Can't be like this.
Has to be like this.

Has to be like this.
Tilt. Just like this.

Well, what do you know?

You know the penalty
for a non-conforming club?

- No.
- Disqualification.

- Disqualification.
- Disqualification.

- Thanks, Jimmy.
- You're welcome.

♪

Excuse me. Can I help you?

Oh. Looking for Richard Lewis' bag.

Oh. He never leaves his bag here.

- He always takes it home.
- Really?

- Is that unusual?
- Very.

He's probably the only one
in the club who does that.

You don't say.

Huh.

Well.

Isn't that interesting?

Isn't that interesting?

Marilyn, if you could
show them to their table.

MARILYN: Right this way.

MANAGER: Thank you so much.
Benvenuto a Tiato.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Benvenuto a Tiato.
- Oh, grazie.

- I called earlier.
- MANAGER: Yes.

I have a reservation.
Uh, Larry David.

And I requested a table
by the window.

♪

I'm sorry,
but we cannot honor that request.

And why is that, may I ask?

Uh, because we're all
filled up over here.

I see tables.

Yes, those are reserved
for a few people.

But I do have a lovely table for you.

Let me take a guess.
Somewhere over there?

- Uh, yes. I have a wonderful table.
- Ah.

- What a wild guess. Yeah.
- Yes.

Great.

Shall we?

Mr. David. Please. Your table here.

Come along.

Look at this one.

What happened here?

Oh. Will you look at this?

Oh, my God.

Mr. David. Here we are.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

- Okay.
- All right. Thanks.

- I get it. I get it.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Anything else I can get for you?

- Hey, let me ask you a question.
- MANAGER: Yeah.

Why, why did you fire
that bathroom attendant?

- Because he left his post.
- Okay, you know what?

I asked him to leave. I requested it.

With all due respect,
Mr. David, I can't fire you.

But I can fire Harold
for not doing his job.

Oh, yeah. Bravo. Good going.

Well, benvenuto a Tiato.

Benvenuto.

- SUSIE: Thank you.
- Thank you.

(SIGHS) Look at this.

Look at this.

Look where I wound up in my life.

In the ugly section.

I'm in the ugly section.

You know, my whole life
I suspected I was ugly.

But I never really knew.
I never had proof.

And now I have proof. I have proof.

This is it. This is the proof.

What are you talking about?

How did I wind up here?

How did I wind up here!

Oh, my God!

How come you don't leave
your clubs in the bag room?

- My, my clubs?
- Yeah.

- I take 'em home.
- Why?

Because things have been
stolen from the, the, the...

Stolen?

Wh-wh-what's stolen? That's crazy.

Have you ever heard of
one thing being stolen...

Yeah, I had a...

- Never. It's a private club.
- Let me ask you something.

Is your putter to specifications?

Are you out of your mind?

I'm asking a question.

- That's the reason why.
- You know, you know,

it can't be over 80 degrees.
You know that.

- I don't know...
- The angle can't be over 80 degrees.

Look, you're a golf nut.

I've just been playing
on a roll lately, and I...

A roll? I paid you $500.
Let's be clear about that.

Look, I don't want anyone
to steal my lucky clubs.

Let's be clear.

- So I take it home.
- Well, then let us measure it.

You're not measuring my putter.

You're just,
you're just a b... A sore loser.

Both of you. Sore losers.

What?

- LARRY: There she is.
- RICHARD: Poor woman.

LARRY: You know, with, uh,

Carl's passing, the...

magical vagina is, is now available.

JEFF: Normal vagina, I'd wait a year.

But magical vagina, six months.

I think the dead husband
would, would approve

- any of us because he, he liked us.
- Without a doubt.

LARRY: We were friends. You gotta be

pretty curious, though, don't you.

All right, I'm slightly curious.

My interest is piqued.

- Maybe I'll go pay my respects.
- What are you, nuts?

- JEFF: Oh, come on. You can't do that.
- RICHARD: Now?

- LARRY: What are you talking about?
- Where are you going?

Not, not, not...
I said six months to a year.

- What the hell is he...
- RICHARD: Is he crazy?

- Look at him. Oh, my God.
- Hi.

- Hi, Larry.
- Hi.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Of course. Of course. I'm so sorry.

Carl would be so happy to
see so many of his friends.

Yeah.

- Especially his golf friends here.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I'm so thrown by this.

I really am. I just...

You were all playing
golf together, right?

- Yeah.
- Did he seem different to you, or...?

Yeah.

- Was he agitated about anything?
- Yeah, he was...

very upset about the Jets.

- The fucking Jets.
- Yeah. I know.

He loved them so much,
and all they did was disappoint.

Yes, I know. I know.

We all do. We all do, and that's,
that's what happens, but...

to take it to this level,
I mean, it's just...

The Jets ruined our marriage.

I couldn't stand to be around him.

Everything was about the Jets.

We had to paint our room green.

One night, he just woke up
and yelled, "Watson!"

What is that? Is that a Sherlock
Holmes reference or something?

No, I think that's a
reference to Deshaun Watson,

who the Jets passed on drafting

in 2017.

That's what I think that is.

So Carl...

is just another loss on their record.

I don't think it's the first
person they've done that to.

No.

I really like the handles
on the coffin.

Do you know where you
got those, by any chance?

No, Larry, I don't know
where I got them.

- They came with, with the casket.
- Uh-huh.

I'll tell you why I'm asking.
Because I'm opening up a coffee place.

- Oh, you are?
- Yeah. Latte Larry's.

- What a cute name.
- Oh, well, you know.

- Larry, that's cute.
- Yeah, I picked it out. Yeah.

But anyway, uh, you
know, for the cabinets...

Mm.

I've been looking for handles.

Can't seem to find ones that I like,

but I really like those
on the coffin.

Oh. Okay.

So if you can somehow...

call the person
who sold you the coffin,

maybe get some, uh, info on
that, that would be great.

I mean, I don't know where I could
find the contact for you, but...

Well, if, uh...

Let me bury my husband
first, and then I'll...

- find out the contact info.
- No, of course. You bury, you mourn, and,

and then, uh, uh, then you ask.

Okay.

- Okay.
- It is now time to recite...

Um, I'm gonna take a quick
pic, if that's okay.

No, Larry.
Larry, I'll text it to you, okay?

SIRI: (BEEPS) In my room.

- It seems like I cut you off.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

- SIRI: ...in my room.
- Your Siri is on.

- SIRI: Anyone...
- (RABBI CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

- LARRY: Hey. Hey, guess what?
- JEFF: What?

I think I detected

a flicker of interest

- from the widow.
- No, you didn't.

- I think I did. I'm not, you know...
- JEFF: That wasn't even a...

- You're crazy.
- You're dreaming.

There were signs that I picked up on.

She touched my arm,
she was very affectionate.

- She was laughing.
- Yeah, it was the time of her life.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- That's what you're describing.

Oh, my God.

- JEFF: What?
- What happened?

Oh, my God.

- Text.
- Get out. No.

I got a text!

- JEFF: From the widow?
- LARRY: Yeah.

- You're a liar.
- "Thanks so much for coming

"and for the kind words.

Can't wait to check out
your coffee shop."

- You know, I think she's just being nice.
- Yeah. Me, too.

- I gotta text her back.
- No, no, no, no, no.

You'll text her back
in at least a week.

- ...have coffee...
- JEFF: Are you fucking kidding me?

- (LARRY'S PHONE BLOOPS)
- You sent it? What'd you say?

"If you need to talk, I'd be
happy to get together for coffee,

- or any meal of your choosing."
- JEFF: Oh!

Now you're asking her on a date!

- No, but lunch. She could mean lunch...
- Oh, that is disgust...

You upped it from coffee to a date.

- (PHONE BLOOPS)
- (CLICKS TONGUE)

- RICHARD: What?
- What?

"It's a date."

- Ah. Benvenuto a Tiato.
- Hello.

We have a beautiful table
for you right by the window.

Right, uh... Mr. David, how are you?

- LARRY: I'm, I'm swell.
- Wonderful.

Yeah. So, uh, you were about to say?

We have a beautiful table for you,

uh, right back there.

- You were about to seat her over there.
- Uh, yes.

- But that's a table for one.
- Table for one?

I, I don't get that. What's the
difference between a table for one,

and a table for two?

One person.

- That's so interesting. Yeah.
- MANAGER: It is.

All right, so I think I get
the way it works here.

- If it's fifty-fifty...
- MANAGER: Uh-huh.

One good-looking and one ugly,

both go to the ugly.
Is that how it works?

'Cause in baseball,
a tie goes to the runner.

Here, a tie goes to the ugly.

Mr. David, I really
do not see a difference

between the good-looking...

- and the ugly.
- Are you saying to me that

you're gonna put this beautiful woman

into that section?
Is that what you're going to do?

She doesn't belong there. Yeah, sure,

put me there. I get it, okay. But...

- Come on.
- Larry, a table anywhere is fine.

No. No, it's not fine. It's not fine.

Look what's going on
over there. Take a look.

The table over here is really lovely.

I think you'll enjoy it.
Please. Follow me.

Oh, my God.

If you ever do come back,

we have some beautiful tables
over there.

Oh, my God.

What a horror show.

This is a fucking horror show.

How the fuck can you do this?
It's not fair.

This is not fair.

There's just so much
expectation out in the world

- of how I'm supposed to grieve.
- Yeah. Right.

- Of course. Yeah.
- The mourning process.

- Right. I get it.
- The way people look at me.

How long is she gonna
be grieving for?

It's none of their business.

What people didn't know
is that our relationship

was pretty frayed by that point.

- Mm. Really?
- Yeah, we were living separate lives.

- Ami-amicable. But separate lives.
- Mm-hmm.

But I know what you
mean about, you know.

There's unwritten rules about
how a widow's supposed to act.

Right.

You know, when I was a kid,
I remember my turtle died.

And I remember, "Oh, hey.

"That's too bad that,
you know, the turtle,

turtle died." And...

A little turtle.
And my friends called me up and said,

"Hey, we're going out.
We're gonna play punch ball."

I said, "Eh, you know what?
I probably shouldn't. My turtle died."

And then I'm sitting there
thinking, geez,

my friends are out there
playing punch ball.

What, you know, what am I doing?

So, after half an hour,
I just flushed it down the toilet,

and went out and played punch ball.

So I know, I know how you feel.

Yeah. Well, my condolences
to your turtle.

Yeah.

So what's the matter with your neck?

What do you keep
scratching over there?

I've got some kind of rash.

- Have you seen a doctor?
- I wanted to,

but Joshua Winokur
is my dermatologist,

and he's not here right now.

You should go see his son.

Is his son a doctor?
I never knew that.

- No.
- Isn't his son in high school?

Yeah, but he's a senior.

- I mean, if you go, then I'll go.
- Yeah.

- I'll have him check it out.
- I'll set it up for you.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Seating Susie over there?

- Really?
- No, she's not.

She's not seeing anybody right now.

- Do you think she'd be open?
- Yeah. I think she...

SUSIE AND TED: Oh.

- What are you doing here?
- As a matter of fact,

- we happen to be talking about Cheryl...
- SUSIE: Yeah.

And the possibility of the two
of us getting back together.

No, I meant,
what are you doing in this section?

Why are you in this,
you don't belong in this section.

Oh, don't. Don't even...
start with that shit.

You should be over there.
Are you kidding?

The only reason I was
over there the other day

was 'cause I was
with you and fat boy.

Oh, you think you got
seated here on your own?

Yes.

- Huh? It had nothing to do with him, huh?
- Hey, hey.

- Well, he's a handsome man, Larry.
- LARRY: Yeah.

You're on his coattails.
That's why you're here.

What are you doing here?

I'm having lunch with,
with, with Veronica Sacks.

SUSIE: Oh, my God, Larry!

- Is that... Carl, who just died?
- SUSIE: Yes.

The one who just died,
who killed himself

- over the fucking Jets.
- Oh, Larry.

- It's just a lunch. Come on.
- SUSIE: He died, what?

- Like, less than a week ago.
- Less than a week ago.

First of all, she shouldn't even
be out of the fucking house.

- Oh, get out of here.
- She should be home, in black,

mourning and grieving. And you!

That you would go after...

- I'm not going after.
- ...the weak and the, the vulnerable.

What makes you think
she's not going after?

- She's not going after you.
- LARRY: I'm not going after.

I bet you she is because
you've got a lot of money, man.

That's all she's doing it for.

Good. Who cares? What do I care?

I can't even fathom
what depths of depravity

would lead you to go after a recent,

very recent, widow.

I have been given to understand

that she has a magical vagina.

- A what?
- LARRY: A magical vagina.

That is the most inappropriate
thing I have ever heard.

H-h-hold on. Hold on.
Hold on. Whoa, whoa.

I'm just, I'm just saying.

When you say magical...

- Yeah.
- What, what do you mean?

See, that's a very...

Can you just give us a second?

I really wish I could,
but, Mr. David,

I believe your table is waiting.

But she gets to stay here.

You're letting her stay here?
This meeskite?

Look at that face! Are you serious?

I don't get what's going on here.

I come in with a beautiful woman,

I'm sitting over there.

He comes in with her,

and they sit here.

This policy makes no sense.

There is no policy, Mr. David.

Oh, yeah. Right.

And I'm not a meeskite,
you bald fuck!

♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

I... huh.

Is there a problem?

I just have to use
the bathroom. Uh...

I think I had a bad ball of burrata.

I could just use a little privacy.

- Oh, you could use a little privacy.
- Yeah.

Yeah, privacy. It's a funny thing.

We all could use a little
privacy, right?

Ooh.

I know. Unfortunately, I've got
a couple of things I need to do.

- You know, freshen up and all that.
- (GROANS)

(GARGLING)

- Mr. David, please.
- (SPITS)

I can't do my job if you're in here.

- Yeah.
- (GROANS)

I'll tell you what.
Why don't we make a little deal?

- Okay.
- I get the good-looking section.

There is no good-looking section.

- I get the good-looking section.
- (GRUNTS)

- That's a yes? Okay.
- (GRUNTS)

Okay. And Harold gets his job back.
But not this job.

- Somewhere in the restaurant.
- Deal.

- Deal.
- Deal.

- Okay. Okay.
- Goodbye.

(GROANING)

You made a really stupid deal,

because as soon as you got in the
stall, I would have left.

You think I wanna hang around here?

These handles are great.

- Right?
- Yeah.

Yeah, they're from a coffin.

- What? No.
- Yeah.

- (HONKING)
- LARRY: Oh. Okay. Gotta go.

- Okay.
- Keep working.

Sure.

Be careful.

- What's wrong?
- Open the door.

- I don't know how to open the door.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- It's a button over there.
- There's a million fuckin' buttons.

Right on your left there.
Press that button.

- Look at you.
- Huh?

- Mr. automotive man.
- Look at that.

L-let's get something to eat,
or something, you know?

- Yeah, you got something on your nose.
- (KNOCKING)

- Hey. What the fuck?
- ROBBER: Open the window.

Fuck me.

ROBBER: Come on, Bentley.
Give me your money.

- I told you not to get this car.
- Oh, shut up.

- Like a fucking idiot.
- Here. Take it. Have...

- ROBBER: What else you got?
- "I got a Bentley. I got a Bentley."

- ROBBER: What else you got in the trunk?
- I got nothin' in there.

Some golf clubs, that's all.

- You don't need that shit.
- Golf clubs. Perfect, pop it.

- Golf clubs?
- ROBBER: That's perfect. Pop it.

Yeah. What's the difference?

Pop the trunk, old timer. Let's go.

- You don't know how to pop...
- It's right over there, on, on that...

Who are you working with, here?

- I'll be right back.
- Be right back? What are you, a maverick?

Whoa, whoa. What's this?
What's this? No.

Is that a Jets mask?

Yeah, it's a Jets... I'm a Jets fan.

- You're a Jets fan?
- Yeah. They're the worst.

Unbelievable! Me, too!

Every year they lose.
You think they're gonna make...

- It's awful. My friend killed himself.
- He's better off.

They're responsible for murder.
They should put 'em all in prison.

SAM: Uh,
I think my boss is being robbed.

What is this, a putter?

Let me just take a look
at this putter.

- I'm gonna need that.
- No, it's an interesting...

Listen, man. I need the putter...

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

Keep the putter, you son of a...

(FOOTSTEPS RUNNING)

(POLICE SIREN CONTINUES)

Oh, thank God.

What happened?

(POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING)

We have to talk.

Lewis.

Lewis.

(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)

Did you notice
the tremendous tip I left?

Did I notice?

I, I filled it out
right in front of you,

- hoping you'd see it.
- (LAUGHS)

- Huh? You liked it, right?
- I liked it. Yeah.

Sometimes I like a man to show
off a little bit like that.

Yeah. I didn't do it for the waiter.
I, I did it for you.

Aw, thank you, Larry.

So how's the whole grieving thing going?
Are you...

- Oh.
- Are you feeling... widowy?

Well, I'm not feeling
particularly widowy tonight.

- Oh, is that so?
- Hmm.

- Interesting.
- (GIGGLES SOFTLY)

Mm.

Aah. I like to hear that.
That's very good.

Mm.

- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh, dear.

- Oh. I'm sorry, Larry.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Mm.
- Mm.

- May he rest in peace.
- Yes.

Is there anything else on your mind?

Well...

Now that your mention it,

one small thing.

- A few days before Carl died...
- Mm-hmm.

- We played golf. And, uh...
- Yeah.

It was me and Jeff
against Carl and Lewis.

- And I have found out subsequently...
- Mm.

that Lewis was using
an illegal putter.

So...

you know, I feel like
that $500 that I gave Carl

- was, was taken under false pretenses.
- Yeah?

Okay. Why are you telling me this?

I just feel I'm owed that money.

- The man is dead.
- Yeah.

- He can't pay you back.
- Right. But...

- Are you asking me to pay you $500?
- No. No.

No. The, the estate.

- The estate is me, Larry.
- Ah.

I don't know why
you're asking this now.

You know, I just feel like
I was cheated out of a win.

Like in 2017

when, uh, Austin Seferian-Jenkins

caught that ball and then
they said it wasn't a catch.

- So stupid. Cost the Jets the win.
- (SCOFFS)

The Jets?

Yeah, they,
they couldn't beat the Patriots.

The fucking Jets, Larry?

You come into this house,
and bring up the Jets?

Do you know how much disappointment

I have had to live with
from the Jets?

- You've lived with disappointment?
- Yeah.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, Larry.

Do you know what this team
has done to me?

I haven't enjoyed a football season

since 1969.

Oh.

Maybe '98 when Parcells
was the coach for a year.

- Get out of here.
- That was good, too. But that's it.

No, please, Larry. Get out of here.

- Oh, literally?
- Get the fuck out, Larry.

Literally.

Mm. (SMACKS LIPS) Okay.

- (PATS)
- (SIGHS)

Oh, by the way, Seferian-Jenkins

didn't survive the recovery, Larry.

- Oh. Oh, is that so?
- He didn't survive the ground...

- ...on the recovery!
- Is that so?

- Yeah.
- You don't know what you're talking about.

- Watch the playback, Larry.
- I've seen the playback 100 times.

- I've seen it, too.
- That was a catch.

- Oh, come on!
- That was a bullshit call.

- Let me show you to your table.
- Please do.

- Left turn.
- I know.

- Well, hello, ladies.
- Hello.

- Lovely dress.
- Why, thank you.

Well, what a fine-looking group.

It is a great honor
to be sitting amongst you.

You know, there are a ton
of different restaurants

for you to patronize here in L.A.

Do me a favor. Get lost.

Very well. Benvenuto a Tiato.

Mille grazie. Mille grazie.

Ah?

(SIGHS) A man can relax.

- And breathe some fresh air.
- And breathe this fresh air.

Gentlemen, great to see you.

- Well, look who's here.
- (HAROLD LAUGHS)

This is Harold,
the bathroom attendant

- I was telling you about.
- JEFF: Harold!

- LARRY: Yeah. Yeah.
- Well, let me say, let's shake.

- I can't thank you enough.
- Eh, my pleasure.

- Seriously. The tips are great.
- Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Not only that,
I'm not getting that look, you know?

- Oh, yeah.
- Like, oh, this guy in the bathroom.

Yeah. What, what are you
doing in here? Yeah.

And these are for you. For you.

- Great. Thanks so much.
- A couple for later.

- Actually, I know them.
- LARRY: Hey, hey.

- He's with me.
- SAM: Those are my friends over there.

- LARRY: He, he belongs over here.
- Hey.

- How you guys doing?
- Hey, Sam.

- SAM: What's going on?
- JEFF: Hey, Sam.

Uh, Larry, I want to thank
you again for the referral.

I had the examination
with Mrs. Sacks.

Oh, great, great. How did it go?

Yeah, she just had
a small rash on her neck.

LARRY: Yeah.

Probably the result of stress.
You know, she's mourning

right now and that can
take a toll on the skin.

- Yeah, terrible toll.
- Um, other than that,

incredibly healthy skin.
Maybe the healthiest I've seen

in all my years in the field.

Uh, wonderful fibroblastic health,

flawless lymphatic system.

Really everything from epidermis
to subcutaneous layer just...

- LARRY: Ah.
- ...the image of health.

She did have a few questions

regarding some really
minor irregularities,

so I did go ahead and conduct
a, uh, full body exam.

- Full body?
- Yeah.

Well, standard checkup
is full body. Yeah.

Did you examine...

- ...everything?
- Everything.

And?

The only word that
comes to mind is, uh...

magical.

- (MAN GASPING)
- WOMAN: Oh, my God!

- MAN 2: What happened?
- WOMAN: I don't know!

Help! Uh, someone's having a
seizure in the ugly section.

Is anyone here a doctor?

No. But my father is.

(SILVERWARE CLATTERING)

Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

♪

- CHERYL DAVID: Hi, guys.
- JEFF GREENE: Hi, ladies.

- LARRY DAVID: Oh...
- I'm glad you're here.

Are you?

I never thought I'd hear those
words come out of your mouth.

♪ ("EL DESEO"
BY JANET SHERBOURNE PLAYS) ♪

- Hey!
- RICHARD LEWIS: Hey!

Jon's starring in a movie.
The character's based on me.

So he's kind of shadowing me.

What's the name of the movie?

The Biggest Asshole
that Ever Roamed the Earth?

DAVID: What are you drinking
in the daytime for?

- Who drinks in the daytime?
- People who go to brunch.

Well, we're... we're not at brunch.

Okay, so I am not having a mimosa.

- I need you to do me a favor.
- I can't do it.

No, no, you gotta do it.
I can't do it.

I already got my sweats on.

What is it,
an immutable law of physics?

Once you're in sweats,
you can't get out?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪