Original subtitles

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOG BARKING]

Hello. This is Timmy Lea. Remember me?

Well, my brother-in-law Sid and I were still happily cleaning windows.

But It was just after knocking-off time one day

when something happened to change our lives.

[MAN AND WOMAN GROANING]

Oh, Timmy, that was lovely. I feel all warm Inside.

How do you feel? Great!

It's so nice to have a man again. My husband's always saving himself for his athletics.

Is that what he tells you?

Would you like a cup of tea? Oh, yeah, smashing.

MAN: Sonla? Sonla?

Oh! Oh, hello, darling. I thought you were going straight to the, uh... To the club.

No, I left me Javelin behind. Have you seen It?

1 think It's In the garage.

We don't have a garage. I know, It's upstairs. Yea--

[HUSBAND YELLS]

Blimey!

Hang on, I'll give you a hand!

Oh, where's me pants? Oh, Mum will klll me.

Here. You're not wearing me pants, are you?

Uh... Oh, I've found them.

Hey, you, uh, didn't have my squeegee, did you?

By the way, what time does your old man get back? ll don't want to be here when he--

You! Me? Oh, no!

[TIMOTHY SCREAMS]

No! No! Please!

[F4J]

Nol

No, no! Please! Please! Uh...

And agaln.

And off we go.

No. No. No!

Look, I'm te-- Oh, hello, Sid.

Nice of you to drop In. Sorry, Sid.

You stupid... Ooh...

You know each other? Yeah. It's my brother-In-law.

Ever heard of the flying doctor? Well, meet the flying window cleaner.

[THREE'S A CROWD'S "CONFESSIONS OF TIMMY LEA" PLAYS]

TIMOTHY: Ow!

[BILL HALEY'S "ROCK AROUND THE CLOCK" PLAYS ON STEREO]

Hey, that's not bad, Is It, eh? It's about average, I suppose, Sid.

I meant the music, you berk. Oh.

Sounded qulte professional. We ought to get a cushy number llke that, you know.

Yeah, well, you've made a good start with me, then, haven't you?

[ROSIE SIGHS]

How many husbands would make thelr wives work In a pub In the evenings?

[SID SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[WOMEN GIGGLING]

Rosle, where are they going?

They've come to see the pop group that's playing here tonight.

That's where the money Is nowadays, you know.

What? Well, pop groups.

All you got to do Is sign up a few kids,

hire the Instruments, plunder the classics, you're away.

It's Just a question of what colour you want the Rolls-Royce.

Oh, don't be stupid. You've got to have talent.

It's all to do with management. There's no need for talent.

You should be all right, then.

What I need Is someone of unfailing finesse and razor-sharp reactions.

[SID SNAPS FINGERS]

Coming up!

Yeah, well, you don't have to worry about me, Sid.

All right. No. I've got unfailing...

Uh... Well, what you sald.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Coming up.

[YELLS]

Daddy! Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

You clumsy young fool, now It'll have to be cleaned! What were you drinking?

That's very kind of you. I'll have a pint, please.

I didn't mean that!

Daddy, control yourself. Here's a cloth, banana-mitts.

Oh, thank you. I'm sorry.

Oh, God! You bloody fool! Come here! Let's get out of here. Come along.

Here's what I'm on about.

You are a bleeding menace, you are.

What Is the point In me trying to sign up a pop group when I'm lumbered with an Idlot Ilke you?

Sign up a pop group? Shut up. Yeah.

Got any paper, Rosle? Don't tell me they've taken It again.

I put a fresh roll In Just the other day. No, no, pen and paper, Rosle, love.

You mean that lot upstairs? Well, aren't you gonna see them play?

SID: I can hear them playing. What do I want to see them for?

Pen doesn't work very well.

Llke one or two other things I could mention.

Now, listen, when I move In, please don't mess It up, hey?

Try to capture my mood of... breathless suavity.

That must be them, Sid. Look at that bloke's halr!

What's a beautiful chick llke you doing In a place llke this, eh?

You wouldn't want to slip upstairs, would you?

I wouldn't llke to slip up anywhere, thank you.

Right. Here we go.

Hello, kid, how are you doing? MAN: Well, that should cover It.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh... I'm a man of few words, who speaks his mind.

Doesn't suffer fools gladly and refuses to beat about the bush.

I liked what you were doing upstairs.

Yeah, we think you've got what It takes...

You're kidding. And we wanna take It.

To the top. To the top! To the top.

Oh, right. Yeah. Right, there you go.

Well, I'll draw up the contract, then, eh?

Sure, man, If there's a drink In It. Right. Of course, of course.

Here, glve us a back.

Right. I, Sidney Noggett-- Belng of unsound mind...

[LAUGHING]

...The pen. The pen doesn't work. Oh, the pen doesn't work. Oh, dear.

Right, It's one of these old ones, you see. Untwist It.

A little twist there and a little press... Whoa!

Oh, Sld. Oh, you caught It!

These things happen. Sid, where are we going?

[TIMOTHY GRUNTING AND GROANING]

TIMOTHY: Sid! No! Watch me...

That's better. Let's have a drink, shall we?

Hey, Rosle... Yeah?

Two on the slate, love.

Cooey. Sidney... Uh... Just a small one for me, please, Sid.

Oh...one for my friend.

What you gonna call the group? Uh, Bloater.

No, no, I don't reckon It's classy enough. I'm gonna call them...Kipper.

Well, It's more refined.

Yeah, well, It smells of success, Sid. What you gonna do, play soul music?

It's no laughing matter!

Well, I don't know what your dad'll think.

Good day, Mr. Lea. I'll pay you tomorrow.

We're on the threshold of a fortune!

I mean, the way those fellows were playing last night, blimey!

I'm amazed nobody else has snapped them up.

Yeah, It's funny, that.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Ooh, I wonder who that Is.

Listen, I've got a Job for you. You know that bird you dropped In on the other day?

Oh, I know, the one you were-- Yes. Mrs. Barnwell.

She can be very useful to us, you know.

How? Well, her old man fixes up acts,

books concerts, all that sort of thing.

Now, I want you to get round there and chat her up about Kipper.

SID: Who Is It, Ma? It's a gorlila.

Ah? Anyone we know? Impatient, Isn't he?

You'll get a clip around the earhole In a minute.

MR. LEA: What took you so bleeding long?

Have you got any Idea how hot It Is In one of these?

Don't mess me about, take the bloody thing off!

Don't Just stand there, pull It off me! TIMOTHY: Come on, Dad.

Go on, In here.

There you go.

What do you wanna come home In that for?

Well, I looked a fool carrying It. You look a bigger fool wearing It.

You've knocked off from the Lost Property office for the day, then, have you, Dad?

Yeah, that's what he knocked off.

Well, I wasn't leaving It, was 1? Bloody work of art, this Is, mate.

MRS. LEA: What you gonna do with It? Be very warm In bed, Mum.

I'm not sleeping with him In that.

How'd you get home, Dad? By Underground?

Yeah, swinging from strap to strap.

[IMITATES TARZAN]

Ah, bloody hell. Him Tarzan, you Jane.

Here. Have a banana. You look llke you lost your nuts.

Go on. It'll bring a lovely gloss to your coat.

Here you are, Daddy, here you are.

MR. LEA: Get off out of It! Get off!

Here, careful, you'll frighten the baby! Oh, yeah!

I don't want my young Jason's future development affected, you know.

JASON: Da-da?

[LAUGHING]

[F4J]

TIMOTHY: "Go round and chat up Mrs. Barnwell," Sid says.

I didn't know it then, but it was like setting out on a blind date with a bacon slicer.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, uh, good morning, Mrs. Barnwell.

You most probably don't remember me, but I dropped In...

No, I was here with my brother-In-law Sid yesterday.

Oh, yes! I remember. That was all rather unfortunate, wasn't It?

Well, yes. Well, do come In.

Save me from drinking alone on my birthday.

Oh, right.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

My husband and I llve for the arts. Oh.

How about a little Mussorgsky?

Oh, Just a small one. Try and keep off It during the day.

Oh, yes, well... Do take your coat off.

Would a teeny-weeny sherry sllp down all right?

Oh. Hey, thanks.

Uh, Sid, uh, thought you might be Interested In a group that we represent, called Bloater.

I mean, Kipper. Nuts?

What?

Oh! Oh, yes. Thanks.

Oh, okay.

Well, about Kipper. We were wondering If you could do something with them.

I mean, fit them In somewhere.

Fit what In where?

Uh... Well, llke I say, they're very good.

They've got this bloke...with halr. Well, It's very unusual.

Yes, well, you should be speaking to my husband.

Yes, I suppose I should, really, shouldn't 1?

But he's not here, Is he? No, he's not, Is he?

Do you know what they say about mice?

Oh, yeah. You ought to get onto the council about them. Because once they start breeding--

Nol

When the cat's away, the mice do play.

Oh, yeah!

Uh, so you think I ought to talk to Mr. Barnwell?

Yes, well, you come upstairs, and I'll put a good word In for you.

Amongst other things.

Um, upstairs?

Well, If my husband won't give me a birthday present, somebody's got to.

[CHUCKLES]

WIII there be anything else, Mr. Barnwell?

No, thank you, Carole.

Did you get the present for my wife?

I better go and give her one. If you reckon you stlil can.

[GASPS]

[YELPS]

[KNOCKING]

Come In.

Oh! Sorry, am I disturbing you?

Yes.

MRS. BARNWELL: Come here.

What?

Oh.

Sit down. Oh.

I've got some lovely things In here.

Oh, yes.

Well, I could always get the group to audition for you.

You've got a one-track mind, haven't you?

Why don't you audition for me?

Me? Oh, no, not me. I can't-- Oh, come on.

TIMOTHY: Do you think this Is wise? Because--

Hang on.

Oh!

Oh! Ooh.

Kiss me where It counts. What?

Oh, right. Won't your husband find us--?

Sherllee?

[F4J]

Sherllee? Sherllee!

Sherllee? Sherllee!

Hello, dear. This Is a surprise.

I Just came to wish you...

a happy...

birthday.

That's lovely, dear. Well, won't you--?

What are you doing In bed? Oh, I had a spot of my old trouble.

Whose Jacket Is that downstairs?

Oh, that must be Mr. Lea's. He came to see If you could find a slot for his pop group.

Well, he must have left-- Left It behind.

Something the matter, dear?

Um... No. No.

[CHUCKLES]

Why don't you come and sit down here while I open my birthday present?

Well...

[F4J]

There. Now...

That's better, dear heart.

What about the Jacket downstairs? Oh, he knows where he left It.

I think he hangs out around here somewhere.

TIMOTHY: / had a definite feeling that Sid was not going to be pleased.

What are you talking about? You mean you never even raised the subject?

I never raised anything, Sid.

Oh, my God!

If you want a Job done properly, you've gotta do It yourself.

Oh, but, Sid-- I'll see If he's stlil there.

How could my little choo-choo chops

think that his bunny-wunny could have been a naughty girlie-whirlle?

Well, I'm sorry, Sherllee, but when I see you look at another man,

1 get a sort of purple mist In front of my eyes.

Oh, but how could I want anybody else? Now, don't be slily.

You glve me so much...culturally.

I suppose you're right, darling.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, blast! Oh, come on!

Ah, hello.

Sidney Noggett of Noggo Enterprises here.

Yes. My assistant has just been round to see you.

The full range of my activities Is probably unknown to you.

But recently, I have acquired... Noggett, yes.

Oh, yes. He got onto me while you were away.

SID: 7 know that these boys have got what it takes.

Now, It Is not often that I find myself

forced to deal In the debased currency of superlatives.

But these talented young men

are undoubtedly a banquet for the earhole.

MR. BARNWELL: Happy birthday, darling!

MRS. BARNWELL: Oh, Norman, you know what I llke, don't you?

[F4J]

And I believe that your proven experience...

[MRS. BARNWELL MOANING AND GIGGLING]

And I can truthfully say that ll have seldom been so moved--

You're winning!

You've won! You've won!

Oh, blast. And I didn't have a bet on myself.

And I am certain...nay, nay, adamant,

that you wliil wish to find an opening for them.

Listen, Noggett.

Bring the boys around. I'll glve them a chance tomorrow.

Down at the Clvic Hall. Oh!

4:30. Hello?

They don't hang about, these fellas. Do they?

There you go, my son! Our first booking!

The Clvic Hall at 4:30. Now, see how It's done?

You've really got a booking, Sid? Yeah, yeah.

Why, that's fantastic! Yeah, I know. It Is, Isn't It?

Hey, let's get around and tell the fellas.

Oh, hello, love. HI, love.

Have a good opening time, eh? What? No trouble?

Not since I finally got rid of you two last night.

Hey, Rosle, Sid's got the group a booking already. Isn't that fantastic?

Well, It's nothing, really. It's only an afternoon show.

But, I mean, It's a knack, Isn't It? I mean, take me... or Sir Bernard Delfont.

1 only hope they can play, that's all. Play?

What are you on about? You heard them last night.

That wasn't them. Thelr plugs wouldn't fit our sockets.

They were playing records.

[CHOKING]

Records? Bloody rec--

[F4J]

69, Common Approach. Bloody well sults them, don't It.

Uh, excuse me, but do Kipper live here?

Not yet, but It won't be long, It's bleeding damp enough.

Uh, no, Kipper are a pop group.

What, you mean that dirty lot over there?

Come on. Ta, love. Disgusting!

GIRL 1: Thanks for the good time, boys.

GIRL 2: Cheers. GIRL 1: See you.

GIRL 2: Bye-bye.

Ah, Grandad, do you want an autograph?

Never be afraid to ask. Glve us your book, then.

I've got your autograph, ain't 1? Eh? Last night, on a contract.

Oh, right, yeah. You were the bloke In the boozer.

That's right, yeah.

And you wasn't even bleeding playing your Instruments, was you?

Didn't you realise that? No, I didn't. Get Inside.

Come In the front room. Come on, Eric, about time you got up.

You must be Joking.

NUTTER: Sit here, mate. SID: Oh, ta. Thanks.

Leave off! Yeah, do you mind?

Here, watch that Fanny chick, she's not as Innocent as she looks.

[PLAYS GUITAR]

I wish you'd mind your Instrument. Shut up a minute and listen to me.

You lot! I've got a Job for you tomorrow.

Job? What I wanna know ls, can you do It?

What, playing? No, I mean sexing bleeding goldfish.

God Almighty!

FANNY: Look out, boys, It's me mother.

We won't have any trouble. Have you seen my Fanny?

Blimey, I saw The Curse Of Frankenstein, that was enough.

Here! They look llke her knickers!

They're his. His?

Here, no! Can you drive, sweetheart? Yeah, but why?

Get In that cab. Step on It when I tell you. Fanny, did you say, missus?

I think she's In them photographs we had taken.

The ones at the Festival of Light rally. That's right.

What photos?

Show the lady, wlll you, Timmy? Certainly. This way.

I think they're In here.

Fanny, get out of It! What's the matter? What's going on?

Oh, what's that? That's hers!

I'd swear to It!

In you get. Right.

Where Is she? Sorry we can't help you.

Take It away!

Come on, get In!

So there you are! You dirty little cow, you!

I've been looking for you. It's all your fault, you pervert!

Come here and put something on.

Walt till I get you home.

[F4J]

NUTTER: There's a place, man. Go on, park It.

[CRASHES]

You berk! It wasn't my fault. She...

You struck lucky, man.

I think we've bumped Into each other before, haven't we?

Oh, yes. But It was my fault this time, 1 didn't look In my mirror.

What? Well, that's all right, then.

No damage to speak of, eh?

Press! Is that your office?

I work for the paper. Are you a pop group?

Yeah, that's right. How fascinating.

You know, I always think of pop groups as a manifestation of the proletariat

striving to establish an Indigenous-culture Identity.

I know! What about a plece? Now you're talking, darling!

Newspaper plece, you berk. I could handle that, as well.

No, you can't. I've got to talk to him. Timmo, glve the lady everything she wants. Wil you?

You bet!

My assistant will service all your requirements In full. Good day to you. Come on.

Super! I've Just got to pick up a library book, park the car and I'll be right with you.

Go and walt for me In my office. Terrific! Right.

Sorry to keep you waiting. I had to get a new ribbon, as well.

1 think your halr looks smashing the way It Is.

For the typewriter.

Have you read this? How To Maximise Your Profit Potential.

I believe It's terribly good. It's stuffy In here, Isn't I1t?

That's It! Would you like a cup of coffee?

No thanks. You recognise my father?

Augustus Brown.

Oh! Yes, Augustus Brown. A household word, Isn't he?

Llke Harpic or Falry Liquid.

You know, I might try and bring him along to hear your group. He's got a very catholic taste In music.

Oh, well, they don't play anything religious.

I meant he likes all kinds of music.

Now, let's get down to business, shall we?

What are they called and where can I see them?

They're called Kipper, and they'll be at the Clvic Hall tomorrow.

What type of stuff do they play? Well...

It's a bit difficult to say, really.

It Is difficult to categorise performers these days, isn't It?

I'm secretary of our local muslic club and...

Thank you.

I became Increasingly aware of the narrow line that divides what was called pop and classical music.

It's almost Impossible to...

Oh!

No, they're paper flowers!

Oh, paper flowers. Paper flowers.

Go and get some water. I'll go and get some water.

[F4J]

This'll do It.

JILL: Honestly! Oh!

WOMAN: Put It down!

No, not there!

Put. It. Down. I'll do It.

Turn It off!

Terribly sorry! We'll soon have this under control.

No, put It down! Not on there!

Not on here, I won't.

JILL: Please be careful!

JILL: Turn It off, for God's sake!

AUGUSTUS BROWN: What the devil's going on?

What are you doing?! Hello, sir.

Sorry, sir. Sorry. Stop It!

Would you llke to...go out for coffee?

[KNOCKING]

SECRETARY: Oh!

[F4J]

Excuse me, but how do you get out of this place?

Great, eh, kid? Today's the day, eh?

Bloody hell. When are you two gonna announce your engagement?

When are you gonna buy your own bloody house?

Hey, stick at It, girls. I'll be back to collect the costumes around about 4:00.

You've done the Kipper T-shirts? We've done everything.

I hope we're goling to get some recognition for all this work.

You wlil, my little darling.

You've done a wonderful Job. Without the proper gear, we're nothing.

What we need Is a few Instant fans to stick In these.

If you glve us some free tickets, I'll get you some Instant fans.

That's great, Ma! Listen, I've gotta go. Sort that out for Timmo. Timmo, come here.

That's me. Get them round the theatre by 4:00.

Kipper's scheduled to arrive 4:15,

80 that should give us time to organise a bit of a reception. You dig what I mean?

Don't forget the T-shirts and don't be late.

You can rely on me, Sid.

[F4J]

TIMOTHY: / had a definite feeling that Sid was not going to be pleased.

Did you get them? Yes, Sid.

There you go.

Well? Where are they?

Here they come, Sid, here they are.

WOMAN: Ooh, not bad, Is he?

That's not them, Is It? Yes. The Clapham Old Girls Club.

Christ, I love your old lady for doing this to me.

Hey! Right teenyboppers, eh? Come on, gather round, girls.

Over here. That's a good girl. Oh, that's nice! Right, over here.

Listen, now that you're all here, you may as well do something.

What I want you to do Is when the pop group arrives In the van, I want you to mob them.

Mob them. Mob them! Right, yes! That's right.

Come on, girls, over there, then.

Come on, over here. A blue van.

It's a blue van. Here It Is! They're coming! Go and get them.

Go on! Go on, girls! Here they come!

Get them! Get them! Come on!

Come on, get them!

Here, watch It, I'm a love object, I am.

I've got my finger stuck! Sorry about that.

Get Inside, go on, get Inside. Push. Get Inside and get your clobber on.

Go on!

He's got his finger stuck.

It doesn't matter. I'll see you later. Stay here.

Listen, girls. Walt, not me! Not me! Not me, you bloody fools!

Go on. No, Inside the hall. Inside the hall. I know you Ilke me. Go on.

There's a good girl. In through there.

Right, you stay here.

I've done nothing... I'll see you later.

But It wasn't me, Sid.

He's got me trumpet! It's all right, love, calm down.

He's got me trumpet! I'm sure he'll sign It for you later.

SID: Now, get Inside.

Good God! Don't tell me he's one of them.

Daddy, don't be boring. He's really very sweet.

He's Just a little...accident-prone.

Look, If I'm going to do this article properly, I've got to get close to him. Come on.

There's nothing to worry about. Hello!

Here, It's this way.

I think you know my brother-In-law Sid.

Oh, Sidney Noggett. How charming. How do you do?

Won't you...?

You seem to have quite a lot of elderly fans.

Well...

Well, If you'll excuse us, we've got to get backstage.

Come along, Timothy.

Get your bloody halr cut, you might be able to see where you're going.

Excuse us.

[SQUEALS]

Where are they, Sid? Down here.

Oh, Sid, look! What?

Imagine performing with them!

Millions could describe the experience.

[BANGING]

Ah! Mr. Barnwell, ll Just want to say thank you...

What? Oh, Miss Climax.

Do you think I could have a couple of words?

Certainly. Plss off.

Do you think It's gone to thelr heads? It's gone everywhere, kid. Come on.

Here we are. I'll be In In a minute.

What's the matter with you lot? Zombie can't get his finger out.

What are you talking about? Stuck!

Here, glve me that, will you? No, we've tried that. It won't work.

Trled Jamming It In anything?

Why not? Here, Jam It In this, boys, come on.

Yeah, put It In there.

Let me get behind you. Not on your life!

Now, pull. Go on, pulll

Bloody fool! Not me!

I've got It. Come on. Over here.

That's It. Now shove It In that keyhole.

Go on. Now, shove It hard, push It hard!

That's right. Now...pull!

Guess what, lads!

Here, get out the way. Get out the way!

What's the matter? Never mind! Did It come off?

1 think It's broken.

He can't play llke that, can he?

No, no.

We'll Just have to find somebody else. But who?

[PLAYING "THE CLAPHAM"]

Here's a merry new dance tune from South London.

It's called "The Clapham."

What's Timmy doing up there?

Out to make a bloody fool of himself, 1 should expect.

NUTTER: Let's get a bit nasty.

[SCREAMING]

Now I want you all to get really, really violent.

Get off me, you fat old twit!

You push me, I'll push you. I'm getting out of here!

Bleeding muppet. Here, take that!

You're stupid old women, listening to this rubbish!

Sock It to me, sock It--

I can hear! I can hear!

Here! You can't let these little freaks stop the show, we're on next!

All right. Wil everybody belt up?

Don't worry, girls. When I'm a star, I'll slgn you a palr of my Y-fronts.

Listen, If I live to be...21, I'll get you for this.

You wliil never work again!

[SCREAMING]

[PLAYS PIANO]

[BOTH SHUSHING]

They've gone now. I know who you are.

What?

You're Mick Jagger. What? Oh, don't be sllly!

You're making a comeback, aren't you?

No. No.

Don't go. What? Why not?

I'll scream. Nol No. Don't.

I'll let them know you're In here.

Now, listen to me. I'm Timmy Lea, you've got to believe me.

I knew It wasn't a cosh you kept down the front of your Jeans.

Oh!

No. Now, look, control yourself. It's...

Get off! What are you doing? Oh, Mick!

I'll tell the others. Not to mention the fuzz.

I haven't done anything! Who's gonna believe that?

I've only got to rip off my shirt. Oh, blimey.

Tug down my Jeans. Walt. Can we Just talk about this?

And rip off my panties. Now...walt a minute.

If I'm gonna get seven years, I may as well earn some of It.

Your hands are cold.

Well, It's the only thing that Is, I promise you that.

Oh, Mick! My friends are never gonna believe me.

Neither are mine.

Oh, Mick!

Oh, sorry.

Not too quick, Mick.

It's the fuzz.

There doesn't seem to be anybody here.

Except you.

[F4J]

And me. Oh, Rodney!

Take off your glasses.

And your hat.

And your uniform.

Penelope. Oh, Rodney!

Penelope. Oh, Rodney.

...I say.

Mind my truncheon. Oh, Rodney!

We've got to get out of here! Yes.

Yeah, come on. Got an Idea. Follow me.

PENELOPE: Oh, Rodney!

TIMOTHY: Oh!

[MOANING]

Strewth!

TIMOTHY: Quick, quick, follow me. Come on!

You two, come back with that costume!

[F4J]

POLICEMAN: Whoa! Whoa!

Hey!

MAN ON RADIO: All the hits and more, that's what you get on 194.

And a reminder, If you like a bit of nostalgia,

every afternoon at 3:00, Roger Scott and the Three O'clock Thrill.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO]

What I can't understand Is why Black Beauty here had to come home dressed up as a horse.

Look, If you dress up as a gorilla, ll don't see why I shouldn't dress up as a horse.

Get off, you dirty... Well, what's wrong you?

Not enough mllk. Got any mllk? Oh, It's okay.

Oh!

What Is It? It's about your group. By that bloke.

Augustus Brown. Kipper? Glve me that.

What's It say, Sid? Blimey. Listen to this.

"Last night, I witnessed the most Important event In the history of muslic since the birth of Beethoven."

Blimey.

“"Mr. Nutter Normington bypassed the Intermediary of his Instrument

and literally took his mind to his music."

Load of cobblers.

With a review like that, we ought to be able to get a booking at that theatre...the Roundhouse!

The Roundhouse? They couldn't get a booking In a plss house.

Walter! Well...

[PHONE RINGS]

' Go.

Hello?

Oh, It's you! Thanks for that fantastic review.

Here, has he got a new girifriend? He fancies that newspaper bird.

Bye-bye.

Here! Here, that was her!

That was JIIl. She wants to see me. Great! Get on round there.

And, Timmo, like I told you before, try to employ a little subtiety and finesse, eh?

You've been with me long enough to see how It's done.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Your hand, my darling.

Au revoir, ma petite.

IN NORMAL VOICE: Oh, no.

I was--

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'll do It. No, It's all right. I'll do It.

Hello. Me again. Miss Brown's expecting...me.

She's upstairs on the terrace, having coffee.

That way? Right. Yes.

Hello? Hello, glve me the editor.

It's him. He's here again!

It's a lovely view, isn't It?

Super about the record, Isn't It? Yes.

Record? Haven't you heard?

I Just rang up Norman Barnwell for a story. He sald he's flxed up a recording session.

Well, he's changed his tune, hasn't he?

He can't afford not to glve you a break after Daddy's review.

The more I think about this pop thing, the more fascinated I become.

There are so many different facets. Oh, yes.

L1 don't Just mean the music Itself or the social significance. There's a financial aspect.

Have you thought about that? Sid thinks about that most of the time.

I was thinking about you In bed. I've decided I'd like to become much more closely Involved.

Really? I'd like to get Inside you.

I know what you mean. I thought I even might handle your PR.

PR?

Not my P-R-I-C...

I'm talking about public relations.

I'm not without experience. I took a course of business studies at university.

What do you think? 1 think you're a knockout.

Oh! There's Daddy.

Here, Jlil. You wlll come to the recording session, won't you?

I'd find It fascinating. Because you're good luck for me.

Daddy, you remember Timmy Lea. Absolutely.

My dear boy, how do you achieve your perfect polse?

Oh! Just a knack, really.

[KIPPER PLAYING "KIPPER"]

[CHEERING]

Great! Great! ENGINEER: Okay, that's the one.

Let's take a break for tea.

Not bad for only the 70th time, eh? What do you think of them, Mr. Barnwell?

Taking things Into consideration:

thelr lack of experience, thelr technical Imperfections and thelr total lack of polish,

I'd say they were useless.

Hello, darling. I was magic, wasn't 1?

Yeah, we was getting It together there.

If you're ready, Jlil, we-- SID: Where are you going?

Jill and I were Just popping off-- You're not, you've got work to do.

Don't worry, darling, this Is a case for superstar.

Don't worry. It'll glve me a chance to winkle out the real Nutter.

I'll keep me pin handy. Ta-ta, all. But...

Right. Now that we've got Kipper recorded, what are we going to do about It?

Shall I tell you? The best thing you can do Is to...

No, that would be too painful.

The best thing to do Is take the record round to Maxy Naus.

You know him, he's always on telly.

In the business, he Is known as Mr. Fixit.

He's In with all the DJs.

You give him a plece of the action, get your record played. Know what I mean?

Now, watch your manners and don't do anything stupid. All right?

Hello, boys. I don't think I know you two. Are you new to the racket?

Come on In. Thank you, Mr. Fixlt.

My name Is Naus, Maxy Naus. Yes. Yes.

Mr. Barnwell sent us round to see you.

Say no more. I'll leave Ruth and Sharon to Introduce themselves.

Get the boys a drink. Yes, Mr. Naus.

Hello, boys. Oh, hello.

You fancy nipping down the corridor? Not Just now, Maxy.

Only take a second. That's what I'm worried about.

What's your pleasure? Come for a little walk. I'll show you.

Sid?

You know me, I never have a bad word for anyone In the business.

I made It one of my rules. I bumped Into Morrle the other day.

Thieving little bastard.

Here you are, darling. Oh, ta.

Ooh, blimey! You In the business, are you?

Oh, yeah. Play a few records?

Oh, albums full. Oh. Are you from Luxembourg?

No, Clapham. Oh, you have a station there?

Well, yeah, Clapham Junction. Why, do you wanna go somewhere?

Yes. Why don't you come along for the ride?

No, there's something I've got to show Mr. Fixnaus.

Why don't you show me something first?

Why, have you got a record player? Oh, yes, we have everything here.

TIMOTHY: Really?

I've always wanted to do this!

I've got a snorkel, you know. Yes, I should hope so.

Come on, then. There's not much point, Is there?

There's nowhere to do It. You do It here, darling.

Have you got a swimming bath here? You want to do It In the bath?

No fun unless you do It underwater, Is there? Oh, terrific.

Where did you say you came from? From Kipper.

Yeah, they're a very good group.

They've got this bloke who bashes his organ with his head.

[WHISTLES]

Right, which way to the pool?

MAXY: Okay, everyone, shop's open.

MAN 1: This Is what we've been waiting for.

They make a lovely couple, don't they?

MAN 2: Bird's got some form. MAN 1: Look at this.

Mr. Kipper, I'm here.

You're on. Or rather, I am.

TIMOTHY: Oh, yes. Right. WOMAN: Mind your snorkel.

TIMOTHY: ll can't see. I can't see any...

WOMAN: Be careful. TIMOTHY: Oh, there you are.

Where's the...? WOMAN: Oh, your snorkel.

Oh, your flippers are...

TIMOTHY: Watch me...

WOMAN: Get the...

TIMOTHY: Nice party.

Where you going? Oh...

I've Just remembered something. What?

Record. Record?

Be...back In a minute.

[LAUGHING]

What's going on? Have a look.

There's some bloke making a fool of himself In a frog--

Walt a minute.

Get back In there! You get back In!

There's three quid's worth of giteau there.

Real cream, you know.

[KIPPER PLAYING]

Well, what do you think of It, Mum? Very nice. Very catchy.

I haven't heard It played anywhere. You wouldn't have.

If you're not prepared to compromise your ethics and you've got a stupid berk as a brother-In-law,

you haven't got much chance of getting It on the air.

Mind If we have the television on? Certainly, Tarzan.

Top Of The Pops! would be all right.

God! After your efforts? We'd be lucky If we could get It played as background music for the test card.

Il didn't know all those blokes were disc Jockeys. How was I supposed to know?

Look, It's Maxy Nauslt.

Of course. He Introduces Star Knockers.

1 didn't know they had this on In the afternoon.

It's a repeat. Here.

What? I've got an Idea.

I think I can get Kipper on that show. How?

Listen, Mrs. Barnwell Is very close to Maxy.

I thought she had It In for him. She does. Frequently.

I'll tell her that we're doing fantastic business at the local record shop.

In fact, I'll make bloody certain we are. You lot, I want a word with you.

I want you to do me a favour. You know what you can do.

Yes, well, there's money In It. Monies, monies, monies.

Where did you get all that from? How much wads?

[F4J]

TIMOTHY: Sid had this brainwave that If we went out

and bought all the Kipper records we could lay our hands on,

then we could get it into the charts.

Seemed stupid to me, but as It turned out, It had an unexpected bonus.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON THE STEREO]

It's all right, I'll get them.

There you go. Ta. What can I do for you?

Kipper, please. Kipper.

We've had a big run on that today. Oh. Really?

It's not my cup of tea. 1 only llke progressive music myself.

You see...I'm a very progressive girl.

Yes. Well, I don't think you could say Kipper progressed very far.

Don't go away. I'll...see If I've got anything on top.

Whoops! Can you hold It?

What? The stool.

Oh! Yes. Certainly.

1 think we've run out. Do you think you'll have It In agaln?

I wouldn't be surprised. Hang on. There might be something over here.

Oh. Right.

[BOTH YELL]

What's the matter? I've got a crick In my neck.

You poor thing, let me massage It for you.

Ta.

Ooh, that's better.

Yes, that's rather nice.

How about... something a little bit more romantic?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, much better.

No one else Is gonna come, are they? That's up to you, show-stopper.

Oh, right!

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, ll love It In time with the muslic.

Yes! I love this passage! I really llke It!

WOMAN: Let It all hang out!

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[CHANGES MUSIC]

[MUSIC SPEEDS UP]

[MUSIC STOPS]

1 think I've found It. What?

The record you were looking for. Oh. Good.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

At last! Where have you been? You're supposed to have been rehearsing.

I'm sorry, Sid, I was... Rehearsing for what, I want to know.

Since you've been looking after us, we've got nowhere. I's diabolical, man.

Il think we should let Jlll manage us. We should give Sid another chance.

Now, listen, lads. I wasn't gonna tell you this, but tonight I'm working on something really blg.

All right, but I'm warning you, If you haven't lined up something by tomorrow morning, we're through.

We'll put ourselves In Miss Brown's hands.

I can see you doing that. NUTTER: Watch It.

Come on, lads, let's get on with It.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

Don't bother to wish me luck, wlll you?

You'll all be surprised, the connections I've got.

[MOANING]

SID: See, what I wanted to say was-- MRS. BARNWELL: Go on, go on!

I know you know Maxy Naus. What? Don't stop!

Oh, my God! Ooh! Don't leave me!

Well, If you could Just...

You know, help to... To... To get the group

on his television show.

You know, Star Knockers.

Star Knockers. We want to be on Star Knockers.

You are naughty, Sidney.

I was thinking of something before we started all that. You've put It right out of my head.

Oh, I know what It was.

Why don't we put that group of yours on the Maxy Naus show?

[STAR KNOCKERS THEME SONG PLAYS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Wonderful. Marvellous.

God bless you all, ladles and gentlemen, lads and lassies, kids and kiddlewlinkles.

Yes, It's me agaln, Maxy Naus, your homely, humble host,

welcoming you back to Star Knockers,

the show that sets out to bring you the best In undiscovered talent.

Here, Tim, reckon we stand a chance? Load of rubbish so far.

--New acts performing original material.

Now, ladles and gentlemen, the moment has come

to Invite the participation of you, our wonderful studio audience.

May I humbly suggest that your first task be to test the applausometer

by giving us a really blg hand?

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Hey, does that thing really work?

Yeah. It's the only genuine thing on the show.

You mean the louder the nolse, the higher the needle goes?

Now It's time to really put the applausometer to work.

I'm going to re-Introduce those very wonderful, undiscovered talents

who gave you so much pleasure In the early part of the show.

From Clapham In South London, 1 glve you...

Kipper. Kipper!

[PLAYING AND SINGING]

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[TIMOTHY SINGING]

1 don't have to tell you that you're not going to win, do 1?

[BLOWS ON PARTY BLOWER]

Get off, wlll you?

L1 don't feel llke a birthday party.

Never mind, Sid, you did your best. Well, It wasn't good enough.

I'll tell you something, I'm dreading that meeting tomorrow.

They'll go off with that bird If we're not careful, you know.

Oh, no, Sid. Jlill's not llke that. Oh, no?

No, no. She's only Interested In Kipper

as a manlifestation of symbiotic counterculture, as It happens.

Is that what she told you? Yeah.

Who's a lovely birthday boy, then?

Cheer up, you two. What have you bought Jason for his birthday, Sidney?

I haven't had time to get anything, have 1?

I've been striving to help bulld something towards the future.

That's what I'm gonna glve him as a present.

You might have done something.

SID: Cake?

That's coloured semolina.

Where's the candle gone? It's sunk.

Hello, sailor.

You stay there, sunshine.

Oh, God.

Evening, all.

What have you bought Jason for his birthday, Dad?

Oh, ...

Half a bottle of whisky.

You can't give whisky to a little baby. Course you can.

You store It away untll It matures, and he can have It when he's older.

I'll keep It for him. All the nobs do It. They put down port for thelr kids.

I sometimes wish I'd have put down poison for some of mine.

There you are, love. Did you have a nice time at...? Oh, my God, yes.

Sit down, love. We can start the party now you're here.

Would you like a cheese straw, Dad? I can't eat those with these teeth In.

Where's your other set? 1 don't know.

I've not seen them since you used them to put a pattern on that ple crust.

Here, love, I know. Why don't you say a few words? After all, It Is a family occasion.

Our first grandchlid's first birthday. Oh, yes, Dad, go on.

TIMOTHY: Let's all have a laugh, Dad.

Hand him over. Come on, my old Jason.

There we are. That's It.

There. There we are. You comfortable?

Right. Now, then. You can call me a stupid old fool, If you like.

You're a stupid old fool. You shut your mouth.

Timmy!

A lot of people think that our future and the country's future

Is In the hands of the scientists and the politicians, don't they?

Well, that's... I don't believe that,

because I believe that our future Is In the hands of the little people.

Little people llke little Jason here, eh?

There we are.

To me, It's the scientists who do all this bloody pollution In the country.

The politicians, they can't agree. They're fighting. Know what I mean?

We know, as a family, we have our ups and downs,

but, I mean, we know that when the crunch comes

we always In our hearts, we know to stick together.

That Is what little Jason's teaching us, and that's family unlty, Isn't, eh?

1 mean, I don't normally say things llke this.

What's the matter, love? The bleeder's peed all over me hand.

Come on, Jason. Ah, love.

You all know Daddy, don't you? NUTTER: Yeah. Hello, squire.

Anybody care for a glass of wine? Ta, I've got a Scotch.

Oh. Sorted everything out?

We nearly sorted out the management, If that's what you mean.

Looks llke the group might split up. Oh, dear. What a plty.

I thought you might help me out. In what way, squire?

You see, I've got to help organise this charity concert for the Critics' Benevolent Fund.

I can't for the life of me remember where the damn thing Is to be held.

Hang on. Ah, yes! The London Palaceum.

[PHONE RINGS]

Yeah?

The London Palaceum?

The London Palaceum?

To think they'll be there. Thelr Majesties.

MR. LEA: You wouldn't credit It, would you?

Il hope she wears her crowns. So do l. It does sult her, don't It?

Good evening.

Ah, yes. Excuse me, could I have a word?

Not at the moment. Probably a little later on.

Right under the royal box. Not bad, eh?

I can't see them.

What, you want to stand on my head? Frequently.

Come on! We're gonna be late.

Don't panic, Walter. I've never been late yet.

Typical. You haven't turned the set on.

1 only hope Sid behaves himself, that's all.

[PIANO PLAYS]

Ah! Good evening. Sir, have you got a ticket, please?

Oh, yes. There. There you are. Seems to be In order. Thank you.

Thank you. Round the back. Round the back!

Good evening.

NUTTER: What about that?

[ WHISTLES]

Sidney Noggett!

Not now, darling. Come back later, that's a good girl.

Sidney, If I may say so, you were Instrumental,

if ll may use that word, "Instrumental,” In discovering Kipper.

That Is correct. The moment I first heard them, I knew they had that maglc Ingredient...

Well, they're a wonderful bunch of lads.

TIMOTHY: Oh, dear. Once again, I have this nagging feeling

that Sid Is not going to be very pleased.

Well, ladles and gentiemen, 1 think the moment that we've been waiting for has arrived.

I can see the crowd surging forward.

Disappeared! Disappeared? What are we gonna do?

We'll have to find him, that's what we'll have to do. God knows what he's got himself Into now.

[WOMEN'S VOICES]

1 think I've got to get on a different plll.

Oh. Hello.

What are you doing here? Well, there was a hole In the stage.

Oh. They're everywhere, aren't they? Yes.

If It's not a rude question, what are you doing?

I'm warming up.

L1 am like a soldier, waiting to go over the top.

This keeps my mind off It. Your mind's practically on It.

Two minutes to curtain, everybody. Undo me.

I beg your pardon? Undo me. My zlp, please.

I can't. I'm on In a minute.

Oh, are you In the show?

Yes, I'm with the grope... The group.

Oh. You would help a fellow thespian In her moment of need.

Wouldn't you?

Well, no. I didn't think thespians were Interested In that sort of thing.

Just a little succour. Just...

Timmy? Tim?

Timmy?

I'd bend over backwards to please you.

TIMOTHY: Look, I really must go.

Wiii the members of the Kipper band please stand by?

I'm on In a minute.

You could be on a lot quicker If you played your cards right.

[KNOCKING]

Coming! It's my boyfriend! I thought I was.

Coming! Where are you?

Over here. You've got to get out!

But how? The same way you came In, the vent.

My clothes! I must have my clothes! Hurry!

Evening, dear.

Your Majesty, Your Excellency, my lords, ladles and gentiemen.

And now two wonderful old pros.

Need I say more than the Climax Sisters?

[SINGING "1 NEED YOU"]

L1 don't know why they have them on. They're past It.

[LAUGHING]

What are we gonna do? I'm up to here with you lot!

If he's not here In 30 seconds, you have to go on without him.

I'll be In the wings. Good luck.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Your Majesty, Your Excellency,

my lords, ladles and gentiemen.

It glves me great personal pleasure to Introduce the next act.

Many of you may be acquainted with a little show I do called Star Knockers.

I'm grateful to know that after all these years one is still remembered with affection.

And now the moment we've all been waiting for.

The moment you've all been waliting for.

Ooh, this must be them now.

I'm so nervous. I want to make myself look nice for Her Majesty.

Rosle, you're powdering your nose with a marshmallow.

Timmo!

Timmy?

Timmy?

TIMOTHY: Oh, Sld.

Sid. Over here In the shaft, Sid. Timmy!

What the bloody hell are you...? You're supposed to be on bloody stage!

I can't, Sid, I've got no clothes. Only these.

What do you mean, you can't?

Get out of that hole Immediately. You'll have to wear what you've got. Come on, now, hurry up.

Your Majesty, Your Excellency, my lords, ladles and gentlemen,

1 glve you...kipper.

[PLAYING "KIPPER"]

NUTTER: Here we go! Start the show.

One, two, three... Are you ready?

Come on, Tim, hit the thing.

That's It, nice and heavy.

Bit of bass, shake the place.

Oh, I think the Joanna comes In here.

Come on, man, clap your hands!

Wreck the place, we don't care.

Boy, can I pick them!

That was tremendous! Fantastic!

1 don't know how you did It, but you did It!

I wanna have a word with you about that. In private.

We've come for our souvenir. What?

Superstar promised us an autographed palr of his Y-fronts.

Oh, really. Can't you see we're In the middie of an Important discussion?

IMITATES POSH VOICE: Oh! I say, how frightfully boring.

Oh, go away, you slily old tart. How dare you, you stuck-up--

Glrls, I'm not wearing any pants. Prove It!

Ladles, please! Get out of It! Get his pants, Bren.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[CROWD GASPS]

[WHISTLING]

Bloody disgusting.

I want me mum! Help, please!

[BARKS]

That's our chance of success up the spout.

Oh, no, It's not. Not If I have my way. You walt and see.

TIMOTHY: Well, I was right about one thing. Sid was not very pleased.

I thought my career as a performer was finished. And It was.

Well, not quite finished.

[PLAYING GUITAR AND DRUMS]

[THREE'S A CROWD'S "CONFESSIONS OF TIMMY LEA" PLAYS]

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