All language subtitles for Breeders - 01x02 - No Places.WEBRip.iKA-ION10.English.C

- Where's Giraffe?
- He's down here, love.

- He's on the settee.
- Did you say settee?

How have I never noticed
you say "settee" before?

What should I say then? Couch?

"Couch?" No, twat. Sofa. It's a sofa.

- Is Giraffe alive?
- Not really.

- Is Giraffe dead?
- Come on.

Let's not be late to parents' evening.

Only people in their slippers
are late for parents' evening.

- Oh, bugger.
- What?

- Dad's had a fall.
- Oh, no.

A bad one? Is he okay?

He says he's all right.

Just bruises and I'm guessing
that's "sprained ankle."

It's auto-corrected to "spirit animal."

He's at that age where
you don't fall over.

You "have a fall."

No one ever says
Lionel Messi's had a fall.

"He's onside. He's in the box.
But oh, no, look.

Lionel's had a fall."

- Oi.
- Watch it.

Mind the road. Oh, man.

I am not ready to be looking
after Mum and Dad, you know?

I mean, I don't mind this
sort of parenting thing,

but one where you're actually
wiping your own parents' asses,

that's a different ball game.

Luke, careful. Sorry. Sorry.

He thinks he's... oh,
I can't think of a famous scooterer.

I don't think there are any.

So will we be seeing Luke in
the Year Three production?

- Um...
- Um, not on stage,

but he's doing that sort
of behind-the-scenes stuff,

- aren't you, love?
- I'm doing all the lights.

- Aw.
- Oh, well.

Never mind. Maybe next year.

Come on.

Fuck them.

The fucking Hicksons.

And their fucking outfits.

- Ponces. I can't stand him.
- Or her.

Do you know that she's having an affair?

Not for the first time either
'cause he's so gray and dull,

and she seems sort of
'70s-swinger throwback.

- We're best, aren't we?
- We are best.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

He's basically a pleasure to teach.

- Aww.
- Aw, good.

He's very happy, joins in.

Well-behaved, usually.

The main thing, really,

is that Luke's happy at Park Grove

and he wants to come to school

- every morning.
- Yeah.

Yes. Sorry. Y-You...

you were saying earlier
on about Luke's reading...

- Yes.
- That it was average.

For his age, yes.

Absolutely where he should be.

Right. 'Cause I thought, um...

I mean, he's not a genius or anything.

- They've extinguished...
- Wow.

I didn't know you knew that word.

That's a big word for a
seven-year-old to know.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

You're actually reading it.
You're not just remembering it

from when I read it to you.

No, I'm good at reading and writing.

Yes, you are, clever sausage.

You know, I wanted to be
a writer when I was a kid

or an artist, you know?

Cartoonist, maybe combine the two.

Why didn't you?

Eh, you know, life gets in the way,

doesn't it? You drift.

Then you two came along...

I'm not blaming you. Just, you did ask.

Right. Chapter four.

I mean, obviously
I'm not saying he's gifted,

but he's not ungifted,

and if you're saying he's average...

Luke's around about
where we would expect him

to be for this part of Key Stage 1.

His reading is bang-on target.

Great. On target is great.

It's great. Luke loves reading.

It's just books, books,
books, books, books.

Aw. That's good to hear.

Sometimes I say to him,
"Can you just put the book down

and play with the bloody iPad?"

I don't. I don't. That was just a joke.

We don't swear at home
or anywhere actually.

Sorry. Uh...

Just two... I'm sorry,

I don't want to bang on
relentlessly about this...

I promise you... But are there any

above average readers in Luke's class?

W-we have young learners with
a wide range of abilities.

A significant percentage of our pupils

have a first language
other than English.

- Right.
- So everyone works

towards a target
that suits their ability.

And that works?

I mean, in the same classroom,

no one suffers, the gifted or...

We tend not to say "gifted" these days.

- Right.
- But no one is at a disadvantage

- in a mixed ability classroom.
- Mm.

In fact, all the children tend to...

- Be average. Great.
- ... thrive.

Such a lovely vibe about this school.

- Ooh.
- Oh, thank you.

And I presume we'll be seeing Ava

in the Park Grove reception
class in September.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
She'll be here.

Oh.

- Excellent.
- Right.

Look, I'm just trying to make sure...

Jesus, Paul. Jesus Christ up a tree.

Can't you see how out
of order you've been?

Are you two arguing?

No, it's a loud, tense discussion.

Go and get ready for
your bath. I'm sorry.

I thought we discussed putting
Ava's name down ages ago.

- Bollocks did we.
- Look, if she can get

a reception place at
West Street School...

But we looked at that school for Luke,

and it was massively oversubscribed.

No, there were less four-year-olds
in their catchment this year,

so Ava has a real chance of getting in.

And with the sibling policy...

What, then Luke could
be first in the queue

when a place becomes free?

It's the golden ticket, mate.

Hofstede says West
Street is outstanding.

It stands out.

Park Grove is adequate.

Now, Luke and Ava are smart kids, Ally.

They need to fulfill their potential.

Uh-oh, my vest
is stuck on my ears again.

- I can't get it off.
- Oh, Christ.

There's all that amazing music

and drama at Park Grove.

It's meant a lot, the poetry slam.

I love poetry.

I love it, the idea of it.

But what about reading and maths?

West Street is outstanding
at reading and maths.

Am I going to a new school?

- No.
- Maybe. Not yet.

Don't worry about it.

Let's not pressure them.

It's only primary school.

They should be enjoying themselves.

Yeah, I know. But if they don't pass
their SATs, right,

they don't get into the good secondary,

and then they don't get
into the good university,

so they can't get a decent job.

They can't afford to rent,
let alone buy a flat.

They can't settle down.
They can't have kids.

Ava is only four.

How have we got to
her having kids already?

Luke is happy where he is.

Plus, it's 13 seconds away.

It would take longer to teleport

because you'd have
to plug the teleporter in

or connect it to Bluetooth
or however they work.

But what has brought this on?

Nothing's brought this on.

I just want...

Shut the fuck up with the splashing!

Jesus Christ.

I just want what's best for the kids,

and I don't want to set them
up to fail this early on.

- There's nothing more to it?
- Nope.

I'm so relieved, Nadia.

And really pleased for Helen.

That's a huge weight off
my mind and my shoulders.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Because my fear was if
I'd got this promotion...

Sideways move,
whatever you want to call it...

- It is a promotion.
- My fear was that, uh,

it's basically just an admin job,

and that would take me away from...

I don't know,
I guess a lot of what I do now

you could call admin, but I still feel

like I'm, if not at the cold face,

then certainly still down
in the pit doing mine

with my filthy hands
and my coolish pasties.

Sorry, that's tin mining.

Do you want any feedback

as to why Helen got the job over you?

No, I'm all right, I think.

- Oh.
- No. Yes, I would please.

Can I hear it?

Well, you're the longest
serving employee here,

- hugely respected by everyone.
- Thank you.

But you just didn't seem that
hungry for this new challenge,

and we needed someone hungry.

- Right.
- Mm.

Okay.

That's food for thought.

I appreciate the feedback
of the thought food

that I am hungry for.

- Sorry. Thank you.
- Hmm.

Uh, yeah. Thank you.

- Cheers.
- Bye, Paul.

We inquired about places,

by the way, rang 'em up.

What? Places? Rang who up?

Langham House old peoples' home

or whatever you call it now.

Care facility.

The tier council-funded residence.

There's a Bookie's two streets away.

We'd be happy there.

You don't need to be in a home.

- What are you on about?
- Jim's falls made us think.

We're not getting any more nimble,

and you don't want
to be looking after us

when we do lally, do you,

or have us staying with
you dribbling all over,

the short audible farts, et cetera.

This is daft. Stop talking daft.

You got years till you start
thinking about that stuff.

- Ooh!
- Hey, steady, Dad.

They gave you a stick. Use your stick.

I don't want to use me stick.

I'll look old with my stick.

You look old with your face, mate,

- never mind your bloody stick.
- Sit down here.

I'll put this stuff in the loft.

What is all this crap anyway?

Oh, it's things we buy
off the shopping channels.

It's our secret shame.

What's this thing?

It's a kit to turn 8mm
cine film into video.

We've never had a cine camera.

No, I know that now,
but I forgot in the QVC excitement.

They're very persuasive, those people.

- Mm-hmm.
- They could be barristers

or hypnotists.

But we want it all hidden in the loft

'cause a means-test lady's coming to see

if we're eligible for council
funding at the care home.

Stop talking about
going into a care home,

or I'll put you in a care home.

You like your school, don't you, Luke?

- No.
- What, you mean you don't like

your school, or you just
don't like going to school?

I like our house.

Yeah, but you can't be homeschooled

because you'll end up on "Only Connect."

- Mommy, I can't find my sneakers.
- What? I don't understand.

- Surprise!
- Ah! Fuck!

Oh!

Oh, God. Oh, Michael?

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

- Oh, my balls.
- You mustn't say balls.

It's rude. We say "rice-icles."

It's "testicles." It's not "rice-icles."

- Hello.
- Hi, honey.

Huh.

You kept all my drawings.

Of course. We're proud of them.

They're in the loft, though.

We're not gonna frame them, are we?

That would be weird to have
something up on the wall

that your son drew when he was ten

and now he's 45.

- Yeah, fair enough.
- The loft is a halfway house

between having them on the wall

and burning them on the allotment.

I wish you could've carried
on with your drawing, Paul.

You were good.

Okay, fine.

Um, Helen, h-hi.

I just wanted to say

huge congratulations on getting the job.

Oh, thank you, Paul.

I've been wanting to say to you that...

No. I know. It's difficult, isn't it?

Is it commiserations?

That seems a bit heavy. No one died.

- Yeah. Bad luck then.
- Thank you.

I still think you should've got the job.

You've been here so long.

Well, thank... yes. No.

I have been here a while.

Y-you went to Cambridge, right?

Yeah. Not really.

I mean, I did go there, yeah,

but it was one of the newer colleges.

I didn't deserve to get in at all.

Total fluke.

They probably just let in a
couple lucky thickos every year.

- Come on.
- You?

No, I didn't really do university.

I thought perhaps I might
go to art school, maybe.

Why didn't you?

Life gets in the way, doesn't it?

You drift. Suddenly you find
yourself in late 30s, and...

Where do you live?

Wherever I lay my hat.

You haven't got a hat.

Have you lost your hat?

I thought you were in Cape Town?

Well, Cheryl kicked me to the curb.

We were too far apart.

Yeah, by about 40 years.

- Is he really your daddy?
- Yep.

You haven't got a daddy.

- Everybody's got a daddy.
- Hmm, yes.

Some more than others.

C-could we walk a bit
more slowly please?

My balls.

- Rice-icles.
- Let's just say "balls."

Balls is fine.

Balls!

Give our love to the little ones.

- Yeah.
- Does Luke still want

to be an astronaut?

He told me he wanted to be a rhino.

Oh, well, he can be whatever he wants.

I love it when we say that.

He can't, can he?

No. "Dream big," it's such a lie.

You should try that St. John's wort.

It perks you up.

No, I'm fine. I'm not depressed.

I'm just a realist.

What was I on when I had my episode?

- Lithium.
- Lithium.

But they don't do that anymore.

It's like the electric shocks.

I don't need lithium.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

Fuckin' brilliant.

I didn't know the time
of day or who I was.

I just floated from
one meal to the other,

no pants on.

Terrific.

I was on the vodka with it,
so that helped.

God, you're a lucky woman.

Look, Luke loves his dinosaurs, right,

so we say to him,
"You're gonna be a paleontologist."

But he's not gonna be
a paleontologist, is he?

Ava loves her ballet,
but she's not gonna be a ballerina.

Why not?

Ballerinas exist, Paul. I've seen them.

Mum, lottery millionaires exist.

Conjoined twins exist.
Sexy racists exist,

but they're rare.

Ava will most likely become an
area manager for Super Drug,

not a ballerina.

You've lost your spark, Paul.

I always blamed that
secondary school you went to.

Whoa. Hang on. St. Edmunds was great.

It was the best state
school in the area.

I know, but they sucked all
the creativity out of you.

You never said that at the time.

You stopped your writing.
You stopped drawing.

Before you went there,

you were bursting with creativity.

Then you became a husk.

A husk? Fucking hell.

Not a husk, Jim. He wasn't a husk.

Wrong word. Sorry.

I'm on codeine for me ankle.

They didn't value art or
stories at St. Edmunds.

They thought life was a battle
and you should knuckle down

and pass your exams and get a good job,

which you did, so there's that.

And you love your work, don't you?

- Yeah.
- You still at that charity place?

Yeah, for 22 years now, Dad.

Thought so.

Christ.

- Love you.
- Bye.

Oh.

Whoa.

Ooh.

- Whoa! You're a magician.
- Mmhmm.

- Have I met you before?
- Yeah, you wouldn't remember.

You were tiny when I last visited.

And you, sweet little Ava,
barely even existed.

- Was I dead?
- No one's ever dead.

Our molecules existed
when the universe formed,

and they'll exist for eternity.

We all live forever,

so you never have to
be scared of anything.

Really? Nothing?

You've been around
since the dawn of time.

What's there to be scared of?

Can you help me with my homework?

Don't do homework, Lukey.

- Rip it up. It's useless crap.
- Mmmm.

I used to stop your mother
from doing her homework.

- School is nonsense.
- No, it's not nonsense.

Pressuring kids to learn

what some dead white
dudes want 'em to know?

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Pythagoras. Oxbow lakes.

Dead kings. It's dull. It's crap.

I dropped out of high school at 14.

Never went to college.
Education is for idiots.

Go. Play. Be a human.

That's not helpful.

Kids need an education.
It's tough out there.

It's only tough if you let
yourself believe it's tough.

Oh, maybe if you fuck off
all responsibility

and abandon your family
whenever it suits you,

then yeah, maybe it's not so tough.

- Here.
- Thank you.

- You got anywhere to stay?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Got any money?

- Some.
- How much?

Very, very little.

Look, if I can sleep here tonight,

I can look up a couple
of old friends tomorrow.

Maybe one of them has a
mattress and a blanket,

you know, pillow, some sheets.

A bed, basically.

You know, I was foraging

on that railway embankment earlier.

Found some really good mushrooms

and young nettles and some wild garlic.

Now, if you've got cream
and a splash of white wine,

I can cook for you and Liam.

- It's Paul.
- Sorry.

Paul. Yes. Fuck.

Sorry.

Liam was...

- Shut up about Liam.
- Yeah.

So do you want a hunter/gatherer meal?

It's mainly gathering.

The mushrooms tend to not move around.

Yeah.

That was amazing.

I do what I can.

I'm not really a harp player,
but it is portable.

Uh, the food was great as well, Michael.

Thanks.

- Free food tastes special.
- Mmhmm.

Also when I was on the embankment,

- I saw a fox...
- Mmhmm.

And it let me sit with it for a while.

- That's good, isn't it?
- We can't sleep.

Can Grandpa Michael
read us a bedtime story?

No, I can't.

- Aw.
- But I can create one

with you as the heroes. How's that?

Okay, you're ninja alien vampires,

and you're in ancient Greece,

and you've got special animal powers.

- I'm a lion!
- I'm Harry Potter!

That's not an animal.

How's it all going with you and Michael?

- Complicated as ever.
- Ah.

- Hmm.
- Is he staying here?

Yeah, for just one night, apparently.

Okay.

Listen, I've been thinking
about schools... rethinking.

Uh, I was wrong.

Ava should go to Luke's school,

and they should do the drama

and the stories and the
art and not be pressured.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, bottom line is,

I don't want the kids
to turn out like me.

- Oh, don't say that.
- No, really, I-I mean it.

You know me, and I'm...

I'm not a happy person,
and they should be happy.

Thing is that I've been thinking,
well, rethinking, too,

and I've realized that I
don't want them to turn out...

- Like you?
- Fuck off.

No, like Michael, like my dad.

It would be fantastic if
they turned out like me.

- I'm great.
- Yes, obviously.

- Fucking hell, Paul.
- No, I'm sorry. It's...

The last time my dad
paid tax was in 1983.

He's relied on his looks,
charm, and charisma

to get by his whole life,
and it's got him nothing.

Foraging for fucking mushrooms.

I want the kids to turn out like you.

I mean, the reason
that I had kids with you

is because you are the
opposite of my father.

So I'm not a charming,

handsome, charismatic maverick?

No.

You know what I mean.

The kids deserve the best
start that we can give them,

so let's... let's try and get
Ava into West Street school,

and she and Luke can do
their drama and stuff on the weekends.

Now, I don't want them to get to 70

and be on a railway line
chatting shit to a fucking fox.

Yeah.

See, this will tell us to
the nearest centimeter

See, this will tell us to
the nearest centimeter

how close we are to West Street School.

Proximity's key, and there can't be

many kids of Ava's age
who live much closer.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

That house is under offer,

and yesterday I saw the
Hicksons looking round it.

- The fucking Hicksons?
- Yep.

They couldn't be closer to the school.

They've got the golden ticket.

Their little girl gets into reception,

and then their boy gets the
next place in Year Four.

Well, it might not be
the Hicksons buying it.

Might be a single man, a eunuch

just enjoying the
free-spirited eunuch lifestyle

or a pedophile who just
wants to live near a school.

Nah, it's the adulteress
fucking Hicksons, all right.

It's got Hicksons written all over it

in dog shit.

You want a coffee?

Hi. Yeah, it's, uh, Greg Hickson.

Yeah, c-calling about 37 West Street.

Yeah, I'm ringing to confirm

that we're good to go
ahead with the survey.

Okay. Yeah. No, no.
It's all good our end.

Speak to you soon. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Fucking Hicksons are buying the house.

- Shit.
- Look. Look.

Greg Hickson is an
independent financial advisor.

Of course he is. Fucking wealth manager.

- Prick, more like.
- Good. Nice play on words.

- Thank you.
- Oh, look. There's an email form here.

You can write to Greg
and discuss with him

how he might manage your massive wealth.

- No.
- No.

- No, can't do that.
- No. Def... definitely not.

Definitely not. Can we?

- No.
- No.

Might solve the problem, though.

Anonymous, untraceable.
We're on the cafe's Wi-Fi.

No, it's not right or moral.

Or is it a bit right and moral?

I don't know. I'm not here to judge.

Why don't you start typing
and see how it feels.

"Dear Mr. Hickson,

we think you should
know that your wi..."

Oh, I can't do it. I can't even do it.

Let's see if I can.
What were you saying?

"We think you should know that your..."

- Wife.
- What's her name?

Mrs. Hickson? I don't know.

"That your wife has..."

"Has been having an affair

"with her hot physiotherapist

for the last 18 months."

Christ.

Should we lose "hot?"

Well, no, 'cause he is hot.

If it's the one I'm thinking of,
he's not really hot.

He's more sort of obvious.

Yeah, but you're thinking
of him, aren't you?

I wish I could stop.

- I'm losing hot. Lose hot.
- Yeah, lose hot.

Okay. Done.

We're not sending this.

No. No.

- Having said that...
- Mm.

Could mean the difference
between a life of happiness

or misery for our kids.

- Quick! Fuck.
- What?

It's Greg Hickson.

Holy shit.

Fucking hell. It sent.

No. What the fuck?

Shit. He's reading it. Oh, no. Fuck.

Fucking hell.

He's getting up. He's going.

- He did?
- He looks angry.

Fucking hell, Ally.

Oh, God.

The others were now running back...

I knew I wanted to be either a cowboy

or a rock and roll musician,

and it worked out.

- Oh, did you have a nice walk?
- Great.

It was just a walk, really.
Nothing happened.

- Where'd you guys go?
- Nowhere really.

Just sort of around. Hello, Mum.

Wasn't expecting to see you.

We came by with some more of your art.

- Oh, cool.
- Thought you might like

to show Luke and Ava.

- Between us...
- Hmm.

I think Jim's a bit jealous with Michael

being on the scene again.

He's used to being the only granddad.

This young man's an excellent reader.

Yeah. Good, isn't he?

Ally, I looked up those guys
that I thought might have a room.

- And?
- And one is in a graveyard.

And the other is in an open prison.

Right. So do you have a plan B?

I would only be with you guys...

a week, three tops,

until I can find a room or a hostel.

Well, you can't stay in a hostel.

They're for backpackers and drunks.

Yeah, ooh, maybe don't
take that thought any further.

Oh.

We had the council chummy round.

- Oh?
- Turns out, we're not eligible

for council funding for a home

because we've got a bit of savings

and a few bob in a private pension.

So we've decided on Dignitas.

Dignitas?

When we become an intolerable burden,

we'll head off to Dignitas.

Or if there's a cheaper one
by then, easy death.

Or if Little gets into the market,
we'll go with them.

But we might not realize, Paul.

We might be all demented,

so we'll leave it to you.

When you think we've become a burden,

just say "Dignitas"

or maybe "Big D," code,

and we'll book our tickets.

They were a maker of peanuts, Big D.

So you basically appointed
me as your executioner?

- They were around in the '70s.
- Mm-hmm.

They were the best peanuts
out there, I thought.

Like Tudor Crisps were the bests crisps.

- Yeah.
- We don't want to be a drain.

But you won't be,

so you don't need to call
Dignitas, all right?

We'll... we'll work something out.

So much salt on a Tudor Crisp.

Man, they had weight, you know?

Me mouth's bloody watering now.

Ah.

Right?

Are these seats taken?

Oh, no. Please.

Thanks.

So what's your Joshy's role in the play?

He's playing Robin.

- Hood?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Wow.

Did you have to make the costume?

Oh, the children and I
did it together actually.

It helped take their
mind off their father.

You've heard, I take it?

Yeah, that Greg is now living elsewhere?

- We're divorcing.
- Oh.

I'm sorry. That is a tough business.

It's complicated, who owns what.

We were in the middle of
buying property on West Street,

and that's not happening now.

- That's a shame.
- Oh, that's a huge sad shame.

- Can't afford it.
- Mm.

It was for my mother so that

she could be nearer as she gets older.

- Your mother?
- She's not getting younger.

Eh, your mom was gonna live
in West Street on her own?

Thinking about it,

would've been a waste
of such a big house.

Anyway, Katie Marshall's

just had an offer accepted on it.

That's her there.

Her son's a merry man.

She wants her twins to get into
West Street reception in September

so that James can get in
on their sibling policy.

Oh, I see. Smart move.

- It's an outstanding school.
- I've heard.

Oh.

Is your lad, Luke, doing the lights?

Lighting director, actually.

- Clever boy.
- Yeah.

Christ.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

Pulling hair is wrong, mate.

I mean, all violences is wrong,
but at least punching's a sport.

- Is it?
- Yes, boxing.

Boxing's in the Olympics.
Hair pulling isn't.

- It would be funny if it was.
- It really would be.