Original subtitles

Do you know who Tyler is?

Yeah. He's a da waar director.

What's a da waar?

A big shot.

Did you know he's in China?

Yeah. He's remaking The Last Emperor.

Don't be nervous.

You're not auditioning for a part.

What's your name?

Yo Yo.

I used to be a cameraman, but I got shaganged.

What does "shagang" mean?

Means I have lots of free time.

As fast as you can, load the film and start shooting.

You sure are pretty.

Thanks.

Who are you?

You may call me Lucy. I'm Tyler's assistant.

What's the job?

To shoot a "making of" documentary.

This is an important film...

...about one of the world's greatest directors.

Why not hire an American?

Why not cut the 20 questions? Do you speak English?

No.

Good. You won't need it.

Look over this contract.

We'll notify you tomorrow.

- You pay me how much "mar-nee"? - Not "mar-nee." It's "money."

- Then what's "mar-nee"? - Money.

My pronunciation sucks but you understand?

You will shoot everything.

Wherever he goes, you go. It's 24-7.

Mind your own business and no talking to the press.

You are just a pair of eyeballs recording events.

You have no copyright, no final cut...

... and no creative control.

The last thing we need is your creativity.

- Do I have the right to quit? - Only if we say so.

Months Later

It's a boy!

Cut!

A perfect little baby.

You want to do it again, Mr. Tyler?

Shall we do another take?

Yeah.

Back to one, everyone. Let's do it again.

Stand by.

Action!

Cut.

- Problem? - No, no, no. Towel.

No, it's not you. You're...

You're very, very, very good.

- Are you sure? - Oh, I'm sure. It's me.

It's my problem. You take a break.

Attention!

Everybody sit down!

I think this is the key.

Chinese Imperial Palace, two colors: red and gold.

Red walls, gold roofs.

Red stands for blood, the gold for money.

Blood and money. Asian conception of power.

Who could flaunt power like this?

Only the emperor dared do it.

When Bertolucci made his film about the emperor...

...he empathized with him, treated him like an ordinary person.

Showed his life from when he was a kid...

...and assumed the throne as if it were a tragedy. Which is true.

But he did it because that would appeal to Western audiences...

...and guarantee the film's success. You know, make money.

I don't think that's the right point of view.

The problem is, you have to break down modern prejudices...

...modern preconceptions. I mean, God...

I'm Chinese and I thought Bertolucci's portrayal was moving.

You're not Chinese.

You got a Chinese face, but you were brought up American.

You want to know what a Chinese thinks of an emperor...

...ask Yo Yo what's his opinion.

Yo Yo, do you think the emperor was a tragic figure?

No. He had all these beautiful babes.

A different one every night, all state-subsidized.

I've only had one, who divorced me.

I'm a tragic figure. Tell him exactly what I said.

He had lots of beautiful women.

- The emperor. - Yes. All paid for by the government.

His wife divorced him, so he thinks his life is a tragedy.

That's it. That's what it's like to live with it.

That's what ordinary Chinese people think of an emperor.

Good. Very good!

No money, no woman. That's a tragedy.

Tragedy, tragedy. I just love you, kiddo.

I also "I love you" too!

He'll be like this today and tomorrow.

No one knows what he's thinking or what we're waiting for.

Trust Tyler. He's the best director in the biz.

He needs a thousand extras in the most expensive location...

...for his creative process?

This place opens to the public soon.

As his assistant, it's your job to tell him to shoot something.

Peter, don't forget why you survive in Hollywood...

...is not because you have talent.

It's only because you work for someone who does.

Stand up!

Do you want them to get changed?

- They're waiting for you. - Jesus.

Everything I'm doing is just... It's a load of junk.

It's got no inspiration, Lucy. No vision. Complete waste of time.

Tell Peter it's a wrap. I can't shoot any more of this crap.

Tony gets here tomorrow. You should have something to show him.

Yo Yo. Tell Peter, everybody, finished.

- Finished. Peter. - Finished! Finished.

- What are you doing? - Following orders. What are you doing?

Trying to finish this movie, not stroke his ego!

What? If the director isn't ready, the film will be crap.

- Shut up! - Hey, what's going on?

He said he's not paid to do what you just asked.

He said what?

You...

Here... Not clear...

No good, movie also no good.

Money. You're wasting your time.

Clear as a bell.

Yo Yo says that without the right idea at the heart of your movie...

...shooting it is just the same as taking a piss in the ocean.

Peter, it's a wrap!

- I love you. - I love you, I love you, I love you.

- It's a wrap! - I speak Chinese!

Shit, another day wasted. Damn it!

- Hey, kid, how are you? - How was the trip?

Very long. My ankles are killing me.

It's a great set. Great, great, great.

Peter, my boy. You let me down, kid. You let me down.

You probably think I came here with a contract...

...but I got you a one-way ticket back.

Don't beg. I do not like begging.

Well, can I get you a diuretic?

- For what? - Your ankles.

As long as it's not Chinese herbs.

- Where's Tyler? - I'll see what I can do.

- This way. - Thanks, kid. Tyler!

We've seen all the dailies and we're very, very satisfied.

We've seen all the dailies and we're very, very satisfied.

This could be a fabulous picture, Tyler.

But there's a problem:

You're over budget, behind schedule and the investors are getting crazy.

Out of respect for you, I can hold them off a day.

But you gotta make a choice.

I have to make a choice? I choose to scrap the film. Listen.

- Just shut up for a second and listen. - I'm listening.

I could shoot and bring it in on budget, but you'd end up with junk.

Uninspired trash that has no truth in it. None!

I've been waiting for my God of truth...

...but all I get is the back of his head.

He's walking away. He's left me in the dark.

I'm sitting in this black hole of depression and I can't get out!

- Tyler... - No! Listen to me!

I've looked from every point of view:

From the Eastern, from the Western, from a child's, from an artist's.

And all I get is a description of the emperor, you know?

I mean, an...

A superficial representation...

...that doesn't transcend banal reality.

It doesn't have God's light in it.

There's no epiphany. There's nothing poetically definitive.

I realize that none of our films have. There's nothing I can do about them.

But about this I can, and that's what I choose to do.

We've known each other how long, 30 years?

You believe me when I tell you I respect you?

Then for God's sakes, help me with this.

We've brought in a new kid to finish the picture.

An MTV kid. Steven somebody, I forget his name.

He'll take over. He gets no credit. Your name stays on the picture.

If you agree to these terms, you get your salary.

You save face, you make money.

You cannot leave my name on it. I don't care about the new guy.

You can't leave my name. That's the point of me scrapping it.

- I might as well kill myself. - You got one other choice.

- I'll tell you what it is. - Yeah?

- Kill me. Go ahead, do it. - Kill?

Kill me.

There comes a time in the affairs of men, Yo Yo. Should I kill him?

Should he kill him?

You asked for it.

Well, I already made a deal with Mitsutomo.

The kid will finish the picture.

Your name stays on it. You have no choice.

The law of karma dictates that...

...for every cause there must be an effect.

The Buddhist's goal is to transcend suffering and reach Western paradise.

Lucy.

I need to reload.

What does Jing Jie mean?

I don't know how to translate it.

- "The level one can attain." - Could you be more specific?

- $20 and I'll tell you. - Why are you treating me this way?

What, are we friends now? I'm just an employee.

- Just a pair of eyeballs, remember? - Greedy bastard.

Over there.

This is you. This is me. This is Tyler and this is Buddha.

You can see this far. I can see this far.

Tyler can see this far.

And Buddha can see for eternity.

That's Jing Jie.

Buddha is the highest, then Tyler, then me, then you.

Like the saying, "A rat can't see past her nose." Consider that a freebie.

I'll give you a freebie too. Go to hell.

- What's that mean? - Go to hell!

Buddha says, "The death of the body isn't the end of life.

It's the beginning of a new life." Ask Yo Yo if he believes that.

Reincarnation certainly makes the idea of death a lot more inviting.

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Nope. It's all a big hoax. After you die, that's all she wrote.

He's depressed.

Can't you say something more cheerful?

We Chinese have a saying.

"If this life is bad, it doesn't matter. The next life will be better."

We Chinese have a saying: "If this life is bad, it doesn't matter.

There's another life waiting." So death is not so bad.

Woody Allen said he'll take a change of underwear, just in case.

The Chinese are very good at comforting themselves.

Chinese... 70 years...

Older people die.

Good finish.

Everybody drinks. Cheers.

Good life. To a good life. To a good life.

A happy funeral. How do you say "funeral"?

Pay up.

What are you trying to say?

If a person dies after 70, it's a "happy death."

- He's trying to say... - No, I get it.

I think I get it. What he's saying is:

If you go to an older person's funeral in China...

...when you come out of it, you feel uplifted and happy.

It's the same feeling you get when you see a really witty comedy.

- A comedy. A really funny comedy. - Very comedy.

- Xiju? - Yes.

- Xiju is... - Comedy.

- Comedy. - What is the word for "funeral"?

- "Funeral." - Comedy funeral.

Comedy funeral.

Comedy funeral!

Comedy funeral?

Comedy funeral?

Tyler, I don't know how to tell you this.

The Japanese had a meeting with the crew and didn't inform us.

They told everyone because of your health...

...you had to return to the States for rest...

...and Steven will take over as director.

After the meeting, they told Peter in private that he was fired.

The Japanese brought over their own producer. Yo Yo was fired too.

- Tony wants you in the makeup truck. - Okay.

Before he leaves, I need to clear up some things with him.

It's only going to be a little break.

I need the rest anyhow. It's not going to be long.

Give my love to Lilian.

Tell the kids I'm sorry I don't have gifts. It came on so quick.

I understand your situation.

Take care of yourself.

Yo Yo.

Camera.

Yes.

Change.

How long?

- Four... - Four minutes.

You...

...sit. Sit.

I shoot you.

Sit.

This way. Good.

Four minutes.

My gift to you.

You have a God-given talent. And you just...

All he needs is the right opportunity.

My work finish? My English no good.

So you say yes or no?

Yeah. My work finish too.

I'm going to get on my horse.

What time come China?

Work for you. Free.

I want you to give me comedy funeral.

Comedy funeral! No problem! I'm waiting for your news.

My God, the truth is standing around. It's a woman!

Got really short hair. She's trying to tell me everything.

Hey, what's wrong? Are you okay?

Hello? Hello? Somebody help!

Lucy! Lucy!

Lucy!

Somebody help!

Lucy, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- How long you been here? - About two hours.

My English not good.

I can't believe it. Maybe it's my fault.

I came here to help. Now look what's happened.

All right, thank you. Go home.

No. This is not your business.

My bag.

I said get out of here!

We had a misunderstanding. I hope I didn't hurt you.

I just wanted my bag and helmet.

Tony's having a private meeting, and...

Hey, man. Thanks.

You're a good guy. We could become friends.

Be cool!

Sorry, baby.

It's like he expected this.

These last few days, all he and Yo Yo...

...that Chinese guy who was here, have been talking about is funerals.

He kept saying he wanted a comedy funeral.

I thought his spirits were low and he was joking.

But just before he passed out...

...he told me he wanted Yo Yo to give him a comedy funeral.

I don't know. But if he dies, does that count as his will?

It sounds like he authorized it.

Does he think Yo Yo can organize his funeral?

He's controlling how he'll be remembered.

He's proving that he's asking face from nobody, giving face to nobody.

He's confused. He thinks we deserted him, so he's deserting us.

He's got huge pride.

Poor Tyler.

For the sake of friendship, you should handle the funeral.

Quiet.

Comedy funeral.

Comedy funeral! A comedy funeral, no problem!

She's going to tell me everything.

Help!

Lucy! Lucy!

Oh, my God! Tyler! Please! No!

Yo Yo, give me comedy funeral.

No! Oh, my God, Tyler! No, please!

Yo Yo, get an ambulance!

Is this his will?

I think he's had a nervous breakdown.

It's an authorization. You're responsible for his funeral.

- What did that idiot say to you? - This idiot says he's gonna do it.

Moronic.

Sorry I can't be with you. I gotta go to Japan for a few days.

Excuse me. Hello?

Hey, Mike, how are you? I'm in China. I'm on my way to the airport.

Well, a little problem has come up.

Princess Diana's casket...

... is adorned by flowers from her sons...

... and a handwritten card...

... from her mother.

Thousand of mourners line the route...

Over here!

Out drinking again?

Yellow hair doesn't suit you.

- You should dye it back. - Why?

You look inbred.

You disappear for five years! Now there's some big mystery!

I'll tell you. But only if you promise to keep it a secret.

Just because I drive a Cadillac, doesn't mean I'm rich.

Concerts rely on sponsors.

I don't make a cent off the box office.

And no fires...

...or floods this year.

So no benefit concerts to profit from others' suffering.

You bonehead! I don't need your money. I've got a big job for you.

I don't have any to give you anyway! On the way over, I thought:

"If he needs 20,000, I'll just give him 2000."

My treat.

So, what's up?

You're a bigtime promoter, right?

I'm the best.

How about a funeral?

A funeral?

If we're talking John Doe, forget it.

But, say, that Russian sub...

- What's it called? - The Kursk.

Right, the Kursk.

Now that's a show! I'd definitely be able to pull it off.

Center stage. A huge replica of the ill-fated sub.

Top models strutting back and forth in sexy navy outfits.

We'll get Celine Dion to sing "My Love Will Go On."

Really! Why didn't I think of this before?

I'm being serious.

- All right. Whose funeral? - Someone in the arts.

Well, that depends. It's got to be a big shot.

And he can't be an asshole.

Or a child molester. There are limits to what we can do.

Akira Kurosawa, for instance.

There's a death you could make some money on.

Bigger than Kurosawa.

Who?

Couldn't be Chinese.

- Tyler. - Which Tyler?

That Tyler!

Oh, that Tyler?

Of course, that Tyler.

We're in business.

Welcome.

Hi, Lucy. Mitsutomo's producer Nakati-san is waiting inside.

I'll be working for him.

They felt that my experience was valuable, so they kept me on.

I know this may hurt Tyler's feelings, but I gotta work too.

Tyler might find it surprising, but not me.

Excuse me. How is Tyler?

Is that really important to you?

Let me speak frankly.

If Tyler unfortunately passes away...

...well, that's a great selling point of the film.

But we need permission to use his name as the director.

You speak for Mr. Tyler now.

I hope that you will give us that permission.

Tyler doesn't want his name on the film.

That's because he is unable to speak.

Name a price. Name a pretty high price.

It's worth it to us, and I know you need the money.

Tyler's going to recover.

I understand your feelings.

The doctors said it's a matter of time. He's going to die.

That's true of you as well. You'll die. It's just a matter of time.

I've heard enough from both of you.

Lucy. Lucy, come... Lucy, come back.

What happened? I am very upset!

Cut that light. No backlight. Soon as I roll, start pouring.

And make sure it bubbles.

Hi, I'm not in, and I'm not telling where I went.

Leave a message.

Hi, Yo Yo. It's Lucy.

I need to rent a car...

... and find a place to stay.

I had no one else to turn to.

- I'll do it. - Stay in the car! Get back in the car!

Cold?

I've got a three-point plan. First, dry clothes.

Second, hot soup. Third...

- What? - I'm working on it.

What's your plan after he dies?

Go ahead and cry. You've been holding it back too long.

Thanks.

You can sleep with me if you want. No, that's not what I mean.

I mean, hotels aren't cheap.

Not that you don't have money, because I'm sure you do.

It's not the money, it's just... So if you don't care about, you know...

If you're not afraid... What the hell am I talking about?

Could you come here and hug me?

Forget it. Forget it. Maybe I should go.

- Why go to the hospital now? - He needs me.

I'll show you a hug!

Don't be afraid. It's okay.

Don't cry. I'm here for you.

If anything happened to you, how could I go on?

Stop gazing at me like that.

His office is upstairs.

- You play pool? - A little. Tyler loves it.

Snooker's more my style.

Wang, she's here.

What the hell?! You said 10!

- Well, just meet her. - No, no, no!

I'll introduce you.

No way!

This is an international occasion! This demands formal attire!

Keep her busy.

I'll meet you upstairs!

Let's roll.

Allow me to introduce you.

This is...

Is it George or Louis this time?

Louis!

Louis Wang.

GM of 3W-Dot-Com Productions.

This is Tyler's assistant, Lucy. She'll be supervising the funeral.

On behalf of our comrades at 3W-Dot-Com...

...please accept our condolences over Mr. Tyler's tragic death.

- Please allow me... - Excuse me. Tyler's not dead yet.

But he's real close. And it doesn't look good.

Well, whatever the outcome...

...our hearts are heavy with anguish.

Go ahead.

It happened so suddenly. We haven't had enough time to discuss it.

There is no comfortable event...

But our company has a credo.

We will fight the tough battle.

We will fight the big battle.

We will win the battle that cannot be won!

- We will... - Mr. Wang. How can you do that?

He means there's nothing they can't do.

- I understand Chinese. - I'm sorry.

My company has a policy that when meeting with a foreign guest...

...each side only speak their native language.

What? Is that necessary?

I would respect your policy...

Cut the crap, all right?

When did you become so pragmatic, like a goddamn American?

Stick to the point. Get down to business.

Let's get down to business. First, the location.

Because of the time, this is still just a rough sketch.

- But it gives the general idea. - What's with the U.S. flag?

Duh. Tyler's an American.

That's the Temple of the Ancestors. Tyler filmed there.

Let me explain our reasoning. We eliminated some choices.

A funeral home was out of the question.

Too spooky and didn't follow Tyler's wishes.

We also considered a place familiar and dear to him:

A sound stage.

But that's too small and limiting.

And you can't tell it's China.

So after much deliberation...

...we chose a venue of immense cultural importance!

- The Forbidden City. - Perfect.

Tyler's an American, but his laolao...

...the mother of his mother, was Italian.

So we kick it off with Zhang Yimou...

...directing Turandot.

Turandot? What? The opening's going to take two hours?

We won't do the whole thing. Just a few arias.

Like "Nessun Dorma." What do you think?

I prefer "What a Beautiful Jasmine."

It's adapted from a Chinese folk song.

So it's Italian, but sounds Chinese.

Like Puccini knew Tyler'd die in China.

It's fate.

Next we'll have...

...a stand-up comedy routine:

"The Joke Is on Tyler."

Like your talk shows, only more depressing.

And then, to get the emotion flowing...

...rock star Zang Tianshuo performs his chart-topping anthem.

Friend, oh, my friend

Do you ever think of me?

If you've found happiness

Then let our memories be

Friend, oh, my friend

Do you ever think of me?

If you can't stand it

Please tell me

Next up, director Chen Kaige...

...and Tyler's favorite actress, Gong Li...

...will award his corpse...

...a Golden Rooster for lifetime achievement.

If Gong Li cancels, we'll get Zhang Ziyi.

He loves her.

The last section is "Tyler's New Life."

This kid is Tyler's reincarnation.

But Tyler's white. How'd he become Chinese?

If he dies in China...

...he should become Chinese.

He should come out the way he went in.

But that doesn't benefit Sino-U.S. friendship, does it?

It could injure the feelings of the Chinese people.

- We wouldn't want that. - What about the American people?

All right, let's not argue about it.

Look...

...Tyler's memory belongs to the world.

Because he's white now, doesn't mean he should stay white. Let me finish.

So although he dies here...

...he doesn't have to come back Chinese.

Be cool!

He should return to the people...

...who need him most.

Now since Africa's film industry is still in its start-up phase...

...how about an African baby?

- What? - African?

A little black kid shooting across the sky! The skin is black.

The kid still has Tyler's voice and speaks English...

...returning from the dead to tell his fans:

"I love you."

Shit. We have to do it that way.

Only three colors to choose from, unless we turn him into a bird or fish.

- Then we have more options. - Dark black or mocha?

True crimson.

Check this out.

Change the color, not the sex!

- They're sick. - It's a virus!

- Maybe he'd be happier as a girl. - Shut up!

An Asian footprint isn't enough. We want global coverage!

Do whatever it takes!

We'll rent a Russian satellite.

You tell him, worldwide TV gets broadcast rights...

...but he pays the satellite fee.

With a global broadcast...

...we are talking billions of viewers.

Turandot will make money.

This thing's really snowballing. Makes me nervous.

Don't sweat it, I'm here!

We have to resolve the time zone problem.

For European viewers, early morning would be ideal.

Keep them up all night.

- The Chinese audience comes first. - Good point.

Things are taking shape. Everything's about set.

I hope Tyler holds out a few more days...

...so I can get this stage up.

We're bleeding money like crazy.

I've been so busy, I forgot to ask:

Who's paying for this? I'm going to need some cash.

Tyler should pay. You front cash to get it rolling, then...

"Should pay"? He has to pay!

Don't worry. I got it covered.

Make sure of it.

Don't worry about this.

He's sure got some fight in him.

The machines are keeping him alive. And gives you more time.

How's it going?

It's all set. Come out, we need to talk.

I keep forgetting to ask about the money. What's your budget?

It won't be cheap.

We don't have any money. You'll have to think of something.

What do you mean, I'll have to think of something?

Tyler never mentioned money at all?

He's totally broke.

Then what the hell am I doing? He's not my father!

I'm totally screwed!

No one's forcing you.

Mr. Zhang is exiting the bathroom!

I'll secure the hallway.

Mr. Zhang is the Genghis Khan of Chinese T.

His investments are quite aggressive.

A ferocious appetite!

You produce half of all TV dramas, correct?

I heard all about you! So that's really you?

Sure as hell ain't you.

Have a seat.

I heard you're doing online casting for Golden Lotus. Any luck?

I'd go with a character actor.

Yo Yo.

Shut up for a second. Listen to Mr. Zhang's condition for sponsorship.

My terms are simple.

Here's what I want to happen. This mystery woman...

...will accompany Tyler...

...throughout the funeral.

- Who's this? - Tyler's lover!

Impossible!

At his age? Are you kidding?

Maybe for Clinton's funeral.

What?

Of course, it's just an act. She's an actress.

Your Golden Lotus, right?

The funeral...

...will launch her career.

The media loves that shit! She'll be famous overnight!

Famous before her first role?

Exactly!

If we agree...

...Mr. Zhang foots the whole bill.

- Five million. - You said four! The price went up?

It always does.

At four million, we only see a silhouette.

For five million, the veil comes off...

...and during the ceremony she gets three big close-ups.

Not a bad offer.

All right.

But only if she cries on him for at least 30 seconds.

She can cry for 10 minutes for all I care.

Sit down for a second. I'll even throw in a bonus.

Remember how Tyler reincarnates as a baby?

The part about his New Life?

For another 500,000...

...I guarantee the baby recognizes only her!

The first word it says will be her name! Your name?

Nina.

Nina's better off as Mr. Zhang's midnight snack.

If he's spending money, we should make him famous.

Some plastic surgery, dye your hair blond...

...you can come as Tyler's bastard son.

Mr. Zhang! You don't like that idea? We can discuss it.

But the concept does have its merits...

Why'd you do that?

I find an investor and you pull a stunt like that?

His conditions were outrageous. It would ruin Tyler's reputation.

So what? You know what filmmakers are like!

They'll sleep with anybody! Everyone knows that.

If that's too much, then what isn't?

Why throw money away at your funeral? They expect a return!

No one's losing money. It's like the Olympics: a brand-building opportunity!

Who wouldn't love to say, "Our company sponsored Tyler's funeral"?

How will you do that? Hang banners at the funeral?

Print logos on the invitation? Sell airtime? That's your idea?

Exactly. If the sponsor's brand is worthy of Tyler's reputation!

If Kodak and Microsoft give us money, big money...

...they can wallpaper the place!

Something like:

"Tyler's friends bring you..."

Not "Sponsored by," but "Lovingly dedicated."

"Dedicated" isn't right. "Lovingly brought." "Lovingly sent."

- "Lovingly brought." - "Lovingly brought."

"Lovingly sent."

And I'm not interested in small fish.

Fortune 500 only.

- You can't park here. - I'm leaving.

Isn't this disrespectful of Tyler?

No, it's good business.

Thanks.

Thank you, Father.

All right, all right. All right, sweetheart. Okay.

You all right?

Well, thank God we got the old devil back.

Yeah, but he won't let me tell Yo Yo he's recovered.

Did you know they're using his funeral to sell advertising?

He doesn't want to stop them. He likes the whole thing.

He said it wasn't what he expected, but even better.

By the sound of it, it sounds interesting.

Almost like a French farce. Yo Yo and Tyler are both scoundrels.

And scoundrels, you never know which card they're going to play.

I have no idea how this crazy mess will end up.

Only God and Hitchcock know that.

We may see two possibilities, but never the third. That's suspense.

Start from the angel.

Five, four, three, two, one. And you're on.

This is Victor Lee...

...reporting live from downtown Beijing with an amazing exclusive.

It's 9 a.m. local time and you must stop what you're doing...

... to watch the latest development...

... of the incredible story of Don Tyler's funeral.

Ladies and gentleman. We have just entered a new century...

...and Hollywood's most colorful director, Don Tyler...

...has given his Chinese friend the right to organize in China...

...a most remarkable funeral.

At the funeral, advertisers will be allowed to make product placements.

Today, the world's largest advertisers are here...

...to participate in an auction of those ad spots.

Not surprisingly, the competition will be ferocious...

...with prices expected to go sky-high.

Yes, sir!

No! Hey, hey, hey.

They really are selling you. Aren't you angry?

Tony. Do you think he should be watching this? We should end this.

This is my medicine. This is the best show I've seen on TV.

This is absurd. This is really crazy.

This is the theater of the absurd.

This kid's wonderful. I knew it then, but he's brilliant, Yo Yo.

Call the network. We should get paid for this.

It's much better than that Survivor crap at home.

...prices high!

What'd you just say?

I have no idea. You're up.

Now I would like to invite the organizer of Tyler's funeral...

...Mr. Yo Yo, to explain the rules of the auction.

In accordance with Tyler's last wishes...

...the advertising space will be divided into three areas:

On-site signage, funeral platform placements...

...and rotating billboards.

We'll start by auctioning the billboards.

I hereby declare the proceedings open!

For rotating billboard number one...

...we'll begin at $ 100,000!

I have a bidder! $ 100,000. $200,000. $300,000.

$400,000. $ 500,000. $600,000. $ 700,000. $800,000. $900,000.

One million! One million, going once!

One million, twice!

One million, three times!

Sold!

Sold.

Oh, what shit!

This is a beautiful image. It's like I can smell it.

I'd love to get my teeth into one of those.

Sold!

At the organizer's request, Love Island DVD's bid is disqualified.

- Be cool! - What's going on?

- The last bid is voided. - Wait! Why? I demand an explanation!

Your player reads low-quality DVDs, right?

Our Super Error Correction made us the market leader!

Love Island reads DVDs of any quality!

I'm sorry. We can't accept your money.

Why not?

He's kidding!

Super Error Correction is piracy! Legal DVDs don't have errors!

TV networks run our ads. Why not you? That's unfair competition!

Tell it to the TV stations! Personally, I hope you go bankrupt!

I hereby declare that billboard three is reserved...

...for a public service message!

FIGHT VIDEO PIRAC Y

Who gave you the right to do that?

This happens again, I'll rip your damn head off!

Hear me?

Who do you think you're talking to?

Listen up! I am in charge here, not you!

You'll get your money!

But shoot your mouth off again, it'll be your funeral!

Money-grubbing weasel!

Is video piracy more unethical than advertising at funerals?

Funeral advertising is profiting by stealing from oneself.

Video pirates profit by stealing from others.

I never expected a bum to know about protecting intellectual property.

You can bet he's got a lot of surprises. I told you he's a genius.

His imagination is boundless and he has the principles to contain it.

That bastard just cost us a stack of money.

Does that monster think he's an angel? He booked a one-way ticket to hell.

But that's how he is.

Mostly, he seems like a devil, but sometimes he's an angel.

Oh, sweetie, you're in love with him.

In your dreams. I'd rather go to hell.

Good move, we'll all be there. Yo Yo for sure.

You wouldn't be caught dead anywhere else.

Of course. I don't know anybody in heaven.

All my friends are in hell. And now poor Lucy will be there too.

Go see your sweetheart and give him Tyler's bank account information.

I don't want to see that money disappear into the wrong account.

What I want to know is what you intend to do.

It's still too soon. When it's settled, I'll let you in on it.

But I'm not leaving the kid out to dry. That I assure you.

This is NB T with a special report.

Next up, live interviews on the Tyler funeral.

What's your opinion about selling ads at funerals?

- Who cares? It's his business. - Is it disrespectful of the dead?

Giving a person what he asks for is the highest form of respect.

Now you're talking!

Do you support this concept?

I've got three words: "One man's glory, another man's shame. "

"One man's glory, another man's shame."

Three words, my ass! That's six!

What do you think about a comedy funeral?

A what?

Shee-sahng.

A sauna?

Bet he's never even seen a sauna!

Congratulations. You're a big celebrity now.

Is Tyler...?

The doctor says we can pull the plug anytime.

But I can't do it.

He's still alive. Disappointed?

With all the ads I sold, are you disappointed?

- He's back again. - I thought he just left.

It's not a bust to be a woman.

What does that mean?

How many times have I told you? How many times?

Is it really that hard?

First, "Please restrain your grief." Then the product slogan.

One more time. One, two, three.

Please restrain your grief. It's not a bust to be a woman.

It's a breast cream ad.

The guests enter under the balloons.

Each balloon is sponsored. Hey, where are my ads?

We're working on it.

A Korean cosmetics company snatched up the balloon ads.

Up! Okay, good!

All the liquor companies wanted in. Bad News Beer finally won the bid.

"The Official Drink of Tyler's Funeral."

Watch their sales skyrocket!

Insane!

- This is the funeral platform. - What's with the furniture?

- Louis! - Coming.

Good thing you're here.

Our clients requested a few changes on the platform.

This junk is all famous-brand Italian furniture.

They wanted Tyler resting peacefully on this lovely bed.

Like he's taking a long nap, not dead.

That's a big placement. Did they pay?

I was waiting for your approval.

- It's a nice chunk of change. - Close the deal.

Later, we can hawk it at Sotheby's as a "Tyler antique."

What's the news from the drill team?

Just called. Awaiting our inspection.

A huge blimp will be flying overhead filming this part.

We sold the space to a French airline.

And they paid through the croissant for it.

We were pretty rushed. It's still a little rough.

Attention, everyone!

Positions!

First formation!

Add the "TV"!

Why do you keep adding more crap?

Stand by!

I forgot to tell you. I had a great idea.

You know that VJ, David Wu?

He's got a great style.

A VJ would really spice things up.

David Wu is fine, but just hire him.

Quit trying to turn everything into a scheme.

Continue!

Since we have the idea, let's just make him an offer.

Maybe he'll agree.

- What's the next formation? - Who's in charge here?

From now on, we both are.

This one's a cigarette ad.

Listen up!

Ready!

Second formation!

You're wasting time with cigarettes. If you get fined, don't blame me.

We only mention the logo. They may think it's a slot machine ad.

You think they're stupid? They'll just pull the whole lot.

Stand by!

We can add a banner:

"No Smoking At The Funeral. And That Includes 666!"

Your talent's wasted here. You should run the Olympics.

What did she say?

We're wasting our talent and should run the Olympics.

Is that an insult?

That's a compliment, right?

You've worked hard to make a profit. How will you spend the money?

Originally, I just wanted to cover the costs.

If there was anything left over, I'd pay off Tyler's debts.

But the money kept piling up.

Of course, I'll take care of Louis. And you, for your devotion to Tyler.

You weren't going to take some for yourself?

First, I'll pay off the funeral and donate the rest to charity.

You always said I just wanted money. I'm giving it away. How about that?

- To who? - That's my problem.

Perhaps Ethiopian disaster victims, or the pandas.

Would Tyler give it to people or animals?

- People. - Yeah, that's what I thought.

This is absolutely brilliant. The kid's feeling pure terror.

He's up in the air with no visible means of support.

To save himself, he has to fly.

But he has self-doubt and is unsure if he can.

But he will. He must stop thinking about it or he'll crash.

He'll fly, do loop-the-Ioops. It's sensational.

I don't like him being toyed with. It's time we told him the truth.

You're wrong. I'm not toying with him.

But there's an idea here. A great idea for me.

You can't tell him. Promise me you won't.

He could come to the hospital at any time and bust us.

Yeah, you're right. I should be moved somewhere else.

Yo Yo.

You got room for one more ad?

This hearse was a great idea.

Everyone wants a piece.

No can do. A watch company took the tailgate.

It's full up. Only thing left is the hood.

- Sold out in one afternoon. - Stick it here.

The hood! I want it.

For who?

Starmaker Music.

The boss is an old buddy.

We'll get his top singers for free.

They're all huge stars. Know that TV theme song...

..."Don't Come Back!"?

- The one where he sobs? - It's perfect for us.

Li Nan can sing from the roof of the truck.

Always working an angle.

You're using the funeral to kiss friends' asses.

Even though I already paid for those singers. And another thing:

This hearse isn't going straight to the venue.

Where's it going? The car wash?

Advertisers want it to circle the city a few times first.

Give them more exposure. So Li Nan can't bitch about too much sun.

Okay, Scrooge. I'll buy him a big sombrero.

If all you care about is money, get him a brand-name suit.

He looks disgraceful in shorts and a tank top.

I beg to differ.

He looks like an athlete. A sports lover.

- A picture of health! - Yeah, healthy for a dead person.

Looks like he's taking a power nap.

The sportswear sold for twice as much as the suits. Why not wear them?

We've come this far.

Might as well squeeze every drop.

We're done with Game Reaper sportswear. What's next?

One Time Thief watch.

One Epiphany & Sons gold necklace.

One PaceMaker running shoe.

- Left or right foot? - Left.

On the right, one Flying Sole leather dress shoe.

One pair of Traitor sunglasses.

Why are you taking the lens out?

This one belongs to a contact lens company.

- Traditionally, the eyes are closed. - Contractually, this one stays open.

When he passed on, Tyler still had much to accomplish.

One eye holding out until the end is symbolic.

One bag of Magic Wake tea. Where does that go?

Such an important spot. We should up the fee 50% .

Remember to have the TV guys do close-ups on the tea bag...

...and contact lens.

- Five seconds each. - Okay.

- What's next? - Snuff Druff shampoo.

Isn't this overkill?

Let's hear the ad copy.

"One side used Snuff. No dandruff.

The other side didn't. See the difference!"

"One side used Snuff. No dandruff.

The other side didn't. See the difference!"

We can handle that.

One side used Snuff. No dandruff.

The other side didn't. See the difference!

I can't see the difference.

- See it now? - Oh, come on!

You're totally hopeless.

I got Mr. Biao for you!

I just love your movies! Doing another big holiday picture?

Let's not waste Mr. Biao's time.

- He's got a TV show later. - Right. Louis probably explained this.

We need you to say one line.

Since you're busy, we'll just walk through it.

If it's just a rehearsal, I don't actually need to cry.

- Of course not. - Have him cry.

- I'm Biao, Beijing Film Studio. - I'm Lucy.

We need you to cry.

If you do it in character...

...we'll know what to expect.

At the real funeral, you can really let her rip.

I'm at the final send-off, right?

You'll walk up with me.

We'll be surrounded by big stars. You come just after Stallone.

- Shall we start? - A moment, please.

- Shall we start? - A moment, please.

Tyler.

Tyler.

We Chinese actors began taking calcium supplements long ago.

But it was too late for you!

There wasn't time to share...

...with our fellow artists in America!

But we were close!

So damn close!

It's the lack of calcium that killed you!

Truly a great actor. Cries on command.

- Did that work for you? - Wouldn't cry that much if my dad died.

Wow, he felt more for Tyler than I did.

Bullshit. I paid him.

I can't wait any longer.

What am I going to do?

- Which one's Yo Yo? - What for?

Shut your goddamn trap! I asked for Yo Yo!

- What do you want? - Are you Lucy?

- I'm Yo Yo. It's nothing to do with her. - Hell, yes, it does!

Our boss wants to talk to her.

Cut the mafia act. China doesn't have one!

If you have business, speak up.

That's enough. Let's discuss this like gentlemen.

Show him.

- Have you tried this mineral water? - Le Ha-Ha? Never heard of it.

- I only know Wah Ha-Ha. - That's why I'm here.

I want mineral water drinkers everywhere to know Le Ha-Ha.

I heard this funeral is packed with big sponsors.

I want a spot for Le Ha-Ha. I'll pay you well for it.

Come here.

See for yourself.

He's already fully sponsored. There's no space.

We had space on the hearse, but now everything's taken.

Not my problem. Besides, I don't want to be mixed up with other ads.

You create an idea to set Le Ha-Ha apart. Something innovative.

Give me a good concept. You can name your price.

If not, you can cancel the funeral.

Thank you very much! Truth is, I hope it does get called off.

If you're serious, go ahead and tear whole place down!

A smart-ass, eh? Tear it down!

Be cool!

Why's this music so gloomy?

It's a funeral dirge. Gotta be gloomy to make people cry.

I don't like it.

Save it for Lucy's funeral.

Lucy's a nice girl. For her sake, come up with something else.

Attention, everyone!

Let's try the same dirge, only with a happier feel.

At double the tempo!

One, two, three, four.

I don't get it.

If you're copying another product why spend so much on ads?

You don't understand capitalism.

With enough advertising, the fake becomes the real.

- Pay them. - Lucy, wait a sec!

Let's hear it again.

- Everything's taken care of. - I don't wanna hear it anymore!

Take your stupid funeral and go to hell!

Talk to Tyler. He woke up a while ago.

He and Tony wouldn't let me tell you.

But I can't keep up the act. They're playing with you.

Why, Tyler? Why did you put him in charge of your funeral?

Hey, one of first things that Confucius said was:

"Aren't friends from far away a joyful thing?"

For me, I think what he meant was:

"No, not necessarily. Not if you are truly Ionely."

- Thanks a lot. - This isn't about you and Tony.

This is about me.

Right, but look at where it's got you.

This is wonderful.

All the emperors had their funerals here.

Yo Yo was just trying to move me from mortal to immortal.

You don't think my soul would be good in a little baby girl?

It's not a joke, Tyler, it's embarrassing.

Yeah, well, I guess if I had actually died...

...you guys wouldn't be happy with this, would you?

But you would have been remembered by all this... Damn it, Tyler!

After all you've done, your great work, to have this be your memorial?

But I'm still alive, sweetie. So in the grand scheme of things...

...the Almighty was using Yo Yo and his brilliant creation...

...for a totally different reason.

- Tyler, you used him. - I don't think so.

When you think about it, I wanted to stop directing. Why?

I thought everything I'd ever done was unworthy.

I just wanted to up and die.

I'd lost all faith in myself.

And that morning when I was making that film with Yo Yo...

...all of a sudden...

...everything turned blue.

I was in this pearl-blue tunnel, sweetie.

And way at the bottom of it, there was...

...this white light beckoning to me and I was floating towards it.

But I could hear this voice up above me, calling.

Yelling at me:

"Hey, old man.

Don't go there.

Come back.

You still have work to do."

And I forced myself out of that coma.

And when I opened my eyes...

...there, sitting in front of me, was...

...this magical screenplay and the name of its author.

- Yo Yo? - Yo Yo, my man.

Messenger from heaven.

That's the real reason I asked him to arrange my funeral.

To save my life.

To give me this perfect movie to make.

He's my angel.

Your angel's going straight to hell...

...if you don't do something to get him out of this mess.

When will the lousy old fart die? Will he live until the next century?

If Tyler recovered, have you considered what we would do?

That's impossible! He has to die! And if he doesn't, he better fake it!

Our clients don't care if the corpse is dead or alive.

They're only concerned about our advertising power!

I hope you're joking.

What if I'm not?

Then...

...I'll kill the goddamn bastard!

He recovered.

Months Later

Months Later

Are you comfortable here?

Can't afford to worry about comfort now.

Not enough time.

Just wish there were 48 hours in a day.

Where'd you disappear to?

Tried calling you everywhere. Many big decisions waiting on you.

I'm so busy with the new film, I had no time to visit.

Are you angry?

Don't worry. We wouldn't abandon you here.

I'm not sick. Just tired.

I'll need a long vacation after the funeral's over.

Right now my mind is full of advertisements.

Since we IPO'd...

...our every move directly affects the NASDAQ.

Yo Yo.

Tyler is fine.

There's no funeral. It's all over.

Why won't you believe me?

You don't have to worry about the advertisers.

Tyler pre-sold his funeral rights.

He loved your concept so much...

...he's making it into a movie.

Really. Everything's settled. You've got to believe me.

Tyler's death was hard on you.

Must be hard to accept. I feel the same way.

Which is why we have to give him a really successful funeral.

We can't dishonor his faith in us! Nor his trust.

I designed a sample invitation.

Internet CEOs and a real estate mogul are staying in this hotel...

...all dying to advertise with us.

But there wasn't any space left.

So I got inspired and added an insert.

Have a look. If it works, we should print it right away.

Not much time left.

You like it?

The reason I came here was to check on your condition.

If you were better, I could take you home with me.

But the doctor says the treatment has been very conservative.

Pills, mostly. With no sign of progress.

So he recommended...

...we try electroshock therapy.

Apparently, it's quite painful.

Afterwards, you'll pass out...

...and go into spasms.

Treatment would be once a day...

...for about 1 5 days.

If the results aren't promising, they'll try another round.

So the bastards finally got their dirty hands on me.

I must call Tyler! He's taking me to America! I want him to take me now!

Thank God!

You believe he's still alive?

I was faking.

What?!

I feared the advertisers coming after me.

But Louis isn't faking.

It feels good!

So there's this mental hospital...

...overcrowded with patients, all mentally retarded...

...and not enough nurses or doctors on staff.

The chief physician gets an idea: Patients will supervise themselves.

Each floor will have a patient monitor.

But the floor monitor has to be minimally intelligent.

So the doctor goes to the first floor...

...holds up an apple, and asks:

"What's this?"

The patients all shake their heads.

Suddenly, one patient raises his hand. "I know!"

The doctor says, "Tell us!" "An apple!"

"What's it for?" asks the doctor. "Eating!"

The doctor says, "You're the first floor monitor."

They're testing you. Don't screw up.

The doctor goes to the second floor. He holds up a banana and asks:

"Who can tell me what this is?" The patients all shake their heads.

But one patient raises his hand. "A banana."

"And what's it for?" "Eating."

"And how do you eat it?" "Peel it!"

"Good! You're the second floor monitor."

So the doctor goes to the third floor.

He takes out a... The thing with a horn-shaped speaker...

...and a handle you crank. What it's called?

A gramophone!

You're the third floor monitor!

Cut!

This is perfect. The angel gets the last laugh. The movie ends here.

That's a very bad idea.

Movies should have romantic, sweet, lyrical endings.

Lucy's in love with Yo Yo. We should see them in bed.

The scene starts with a kiss. Then they disrobe each other.

- They embrace passionately. Yo Yo! - In slow motion.

This is your movie, your story, your joke, the end. Okay?

- He said... - I know.

Now. Stop. No good.

I. Lucy. Together.

Go to bed.

Long time kiss.

Music.

Stop.

- Very good. - Very good!

Lucy, come here. Sit down.

How many times have you promised me you wouldn't argue with Uncle Tony?

Hey, do you like Yo Yo's ending?

Whatever I support, it's just a movie. It has nothing to do with real life.

Do you love him?

Tell me the truth.

God. Tony was right.

This is the truth of the movie.

Hey, I'll do it Yo Yo's way.

It's just a movie. It's all I got to give you.

I love him too.

What are you thinking?

Do I have to reveal all my secrets?

Fine, don't tell me.

I'd better tell you.

I was thinking:

Should I help with the necklace first...

...or touch your shoulders, to test your response?

Or, maybe just lift your face, gaze deeply into your eyes...

...and attack you like a wild animal?

Or, if everything has gone smoothly up to now...

...strike while the iron is hot, and do something I'll regret later?

Or, just take my time...

...and wait for a better harvest?

- Then I thought... - What if I refuse?

- You'd do that? - Don't know. Try your luck.

Then wish me luck!

Better do it from the front.

What are you doing?

Come on, guys.

I'm not gonna say cut until you kiss.

Cut.

Cut.

Cut!

Be cool!