Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

[Nora] Grandma?

Edmund.

Oh, hey, Nora.

What's going on here, huh?

What's this? Best friends all of a sudden?

Huh? You gonna throw me down the river, Grandma?

Well, Edmund offered to come with me to the store.

He-- he's a good boy.

Now, I took Grandma to H Mart

and bought her a $500 rice cooker.

You do that too sometimes, right, Nora?

Eat my ass, Edmund.

We're making dumplings!

Oh, that's cool 'cause I just thought

that was something that just me and you did,

A and B, Grandma and Nora, you know, our thing.

You know what I mean, 'cause you love me more and all, right?

Oh, Grandma's gonna teach me,

and I can't wait to learn from the best.

[Grandma laughs]

I wanna learn, too. I call middle seat.

Oh, but we've made dumplings together

2,000 times, Nora.

And Edmund and I have never made dumplings before.

Yeah, but I want to do it 2,001 times.

Race you there.Race you where?

Uh, here.I've been here.

Yeah, I know. Grandma loves me more.

What? What? What?

What?What?

Grandma loves me more. What?

What? What?What?

♪♪

[camera clicking]

[grunting]

Damon.

You mind if I squeeze in a set?

One sec, bro. Let me just take one more pic.

Ah...

#gymselfies.

You on IG?Huh?

Instagram, you on it?No.

I look around on Facebook sometimes.

That's about it.[laughing]

What?Facebook? Wally!

Facebook is dead, bro.Oh, yeah?

It is all about the Gram. Check it out.

Whoa!No, look it at.

Damon!The chicks dig it.

I get so many dates off of this.

You're single, right?Yeah.

It's the Gram, baby.

Oh, no, I...

I don't need to post intimate pictures like that.

Well, you better get crackin'.

No.Yeah, look.

If a chick can't find you on Instagram,

she's gonna think you're a serial killer.

That's the truth.

Really?All you gotta do

is go on Amazon Prime, buy a ring light,

then you go home to the bathroom.

You put up a leg, maybe two,

click, pussy.

No, no, no. Don't listen to this loser.

My kids think your Instagram is a meme account.

If I'm such a loser, then how come I have

over 300 followers?

[Damon laughs]

You know what this is about?

You just want a piece of me, Janeane.

Everybody knows it. Wally knows it.

How many times do I have to tell you

I'm a raging lesbian?

Whatever, Janeane.

Janeane?

You wanna get like a coffee after this?

I'm hanging out with my wife.

Oh, you were serious?Yeah.

[camera clicks]

♪♪

Oh! Ant-Man.

These dumplings are beautiful.

You certainly have a knack for crimping.

Yeah, well, thank you, Grandma. I learned from the best.

[both laughing]

Who?The best!

Oh! [laughs]

You know who else? Talented me.

[chuckling]

[snickers] Yes.

Let's see.

This one I named Beautiful Flower

from All Generations to the End of Time for you.

Oh...Just be careful because

it has-- the inside comes out a little bit,

so it is an open floor plan.

Nice try, Nora."Nice try, Nora." See that?

See? Feel dumb now, huh?

Don't you feel dumb now a little bit?

I get you some water.

Thanks, Grandma. Love you.

Mm, your dumplings look like the Pillsbury Doughboy

got hate-crimed.

You wanna shut the hell up, bitch?!

Oh, nice.Yeah, yeah.

Calling me a bitch.You're third-wheelin'.

I've seen this movie before.

You come in and you wanna take my skin.

That's what you wanna do.

You wanna come up in here and take my skin.

Ugh, my God. Nora...

And also, look at that one.

That one looks like a fuckin' butthole, dude.

That means it'll be delicious, yum, yum, yum.

2020, Year of the Ass.

♪♪

[slurping]Okay, perfect.

"Post workout smoothie vibes."

You sure I don't look like a douche?

Everybody looks like they're trying too hard.

It's kinda the point.

But you gotta post more than one photo, though,

because otherwise you'll look like a creep

who just trolls people.

And so I can tell if I'm following somebody

and they're following me, right?

I see what's happening here. What's her name?

Brenda Moreno.

Brenda Moreno. Okay.

Oh, her screen name is ArtfulBrenda.

She's very pretty...

and very artsy.

Let me see.

Yeah.

That's her.Yeah.

So, listen, if you wanna thirst trap her,

I think you're gonna have to post some better pics.

Oh, will you take some for me?

Yeah, but let's not take 'em in the gym.

You don't want everybody thinking all you do

is hang out in the gym.

But that is all I do.

[slurping]

[music plays on phone]

[cat meowing]

Okay, to start off, you take a little flour

and we spritz it around the table.

And now we take the skin.

See?

Oh, that's enough.

[line ringing]

Oh, my God, Edmund! Come quick!

Something's happened to Grandma

and it's really bad! What?

I think she took a nasty spill.

Oh, my God!Come straight to the garage.

Don't call anybody. Just come straight to the garage!

Okay, I'll be right--[beep]

[creepy music playing]

[panting]

Oh, God, I hate running.

Where's Grandma? Is she okay?

She's fine.

But I'm not.

Oh, what?

[creepy music playing]

What's your endgame with my grandma, bitch?

What?

What are you talking about, you psycho?

She's my grandma, too.

Well, why don't you go to the grandma store

and get your own grandma?

My other grandma's dead, so Grandma's

the only grandma I have.

Yeah, my mom's dead so Grandma's not only my mom,

she's my grandma and my grandpa.

Okay, now I'm walking away from this. I'm--

What are you...?Ah.

Don't-- What is this?

Stop. You're box-stepping?

I'm not movin'...

until you give me some answers.

Jesus, answers to what?

To why you're hanging out with Grandma

when you should be working on your top-secret app.

Hah? Hah?

All right, fine, but I need you to back off.

Have a seat.

Oh, what now?

[sighs]

Start talking, Edmund.

I was gonna come up with an app,

but then I didn't.

And I still haven't and...

it's bad.

So you stole $15 million?

No, it's called an investment.

What's it called, Ponzi scheme?

No, an investment!

Look, I have to come up with an idea

for the investors this week.

And if I still don't have anything, then...

I'm screwed.

So why don't you go work on the app

instead of hanging out with Grandma

and trying to steal my skin?

Because it's stressful

and she makes me feel less anxious.

So you're not trying to steal my Grandma away from me?

No, absolutely not.Good. Good.

Edmund, I was gonna kill you.

What?But I'm not, I'm not now.

You know, and the supplies are refundable.

So I have a-- I have an Ace Hardware card.

♪♪

Oh, yeah, forgot about all this stuff.

Yeah!

Hey, Mom, Ma.

Have you seen my tuxedo pants?

Yeah. You sat on a brownie

at your cousin Jimmy's wedding.

We had to throw it away, remember?

Yeah, everyone thought I shit myself.

[chuckling]

What are you doing in here anyway?

I'm just tidying up.

I'm just, you know, deciding which sparks joy.

Ahh...

Guess what sparks my joy.

Not Marie Kondo.

Fuck Marie Kondo.

[music playing on laptop]

You got investors off of this?

This shitty PowerPoint stock template?

Yeah, it's sort of industry standard.

God, Silicon Valley's such bullshit.

Ooh, very hot take, Nora.

Really, they're investing in my reputation.

But there are no good app ideas anymore.

Everything's already been done.

That's not true.

Netflix for Dogs.

Uh, a poop emoji.

But it's like pictures of your own poop,

and you put eyes on it.

What about an app that takes a picture of a place,

and you can find out what-- what used to be there?

I don't know if anyone's done that already,

but that's actually good.

What about like a flesh mold of a vagina,

right, but it's portable?

And we call it a pocket pussy.

Okay, this might take a while, but keep going.

An app that tells you if you're ugly or not.

An app that you could look at your vagina like in a mirror.

What else?

An app that shows you what you would look like

as a decaying corpse, that's tight, that's a good one.

No!An app that tells you

if a ghost is friendly or not.What?

An app that finds your long-lost friends.

An app that lightly stimulates your butthole.

An app that lightly stimulates your friends'.

An app that beckons squirrels.

An app that-- it's like Tinder but for parakeets.

I need more!

But I have to poop.

You should be pooping ideas!

[camera clicks]

[sighs]

Oh...

"I really liked that movie."

[sighs]

[Nora sighs] We have so many good ideas.

We just haven't found the one yet!

I gotta get outta here.

[grunts] I haven't seen any daylight.

I took a poop in the corner.

Eww, why?[groans]

No, wait, incubation takes time, okay?

We'll get there. We just need to keep going.

[phone chimes]

Your dad followed me on Instagram.

Holy shit!What?

Look.

So?

[screaming, gagging]

Uncle Penis! Uncle Penis!Uncle Penis!

It's a damn penis!

[both stammering, gasping]

Why would you show it to me?!

He must've accidentally posted it

and just didn't see the mirror behind him.

[gasps]It has like 200 likes

which proportionately doesn't make sense

because he has 17 followers.

We need to delete that thing.

He-- he's gonna become a meme.

Even if he deletes it off his personal account,

other people have screenshotted it.

No, no, no, we need to get the original off.

We need to get the screenshots off, any duplicates.

We need to scrub the Internet of that picture.

That needs to go. Ahh! That needs to go.

You are an idiot but also a goddamn genius.

Mwah! Okay, I gotta go.

I gotta go! Um, I gotta go.

Where are you going?!

To go and code "Scrubr."

It shouldn't take long.

I just have to match a proprietary data set

to an image-labeling model, and then it'll be deleted...

[muttering]

You're leaving?Yeah.

And you won't be back for a while?

Yeah. Bye.Can I-- Can I ask you one more thing?

What?Did you just feel anything?

Eww, no! Disgusting.

I didn't either. I didn't either!

[Nora muttering]

Still won't close.

Have patience and you'll get it.

You know, I always wish I was one of those Asian girls

that could draw Pokémon freehand

and rip paper in a straight line.

I can't even roll a joint right.

Origami is boring.

And plus, maybe your talent isn't in your fingers.

Maybe it's somewhere else.

Hm, that's true.

[Edmund panting]

I've been coding all night.

And I finally finished the beta.

And I think this app could be huge.

Oh, wow, I'm so proud of you, Edmund.

Well, the harder part is thinking of the app,

which I did in 3.5 seconds and counting.

Oh-ho, so I'm proud of you too, Nora.

Yeah, I literally invented an entire server, okay, so...

Yeah, well, Grandma loves me more,

so I hope you're all right with that.

Okay, just Nora,

you don't know what's about to happen.

Okay, if this app gets up and running,

we are looking at potentially raking in millions.

We need to get my dad's dick off the Internet

before fuckjerry finds it and shit.

Okay, just-- It's fine, whatever.

Can I just run my app presentation for you guys?

'Cause I just need to practice before the investor meeting tomorrow and...

No.Of course!

Janeane, I got of likes from complete strangers

and also two verified likes

from Olivia Jade.

Who the hell's that?

But nothing from Brenda.

I don't understand why she didn't like my photo.

Let me see it.

It's beautiful composition and lighting.

Thank you!

Oh.

Uh-oh.What?

Holy shit! My dick is out!

Yeah.Janeane, my dick is out!

What happened?!

That explains all the likes.

I gotta delete it.

Oh, no, I think I just sent it my story!

Oh, shit!

I've gotta take some more pictures

to take the heat off the first one.

Okay, Wally, you're spiraling.

Bananas. Bananas are good, right?Wally...

Bananas. Banana boomerang.

Take deep breaths.Bananas are fine!

I'm gonna help you.[Wally panting]

Okay, okay, good news.

ArtfulBrenda is not following you,

and I deleted the pic.Yes! Thank you!

Bad news is...

Damon reposted it.

No!

Oh, shit!

[Wally panting]You want a chip?

You know I'm allergic to sour cream, Janeane!

I didn't know that.

I haven't known you for that long.

[crunching]

♪♪

Red leather, yellow leather.

Red leather, yellow leather.

The dragon will come when he hears the drum

at a minute or two till two.

Y'all ready for this?

"Scrubr" is an app that can change the world

"by using micro-patterns compiled from each

"binary-based representation of a pixel

"or local binary pattern or a patented LBP,

"we can run the image through our neural network

"and this outputs a set of measurements

"that serve as a unique...

"identifier.

Send nudes? More like unsend nudes."

You know, I'm just gonna... [stammering]

I'm just gonna start over and, um, oh! Okay.

Leg cramp. Leg cramp.

[Edmund snorts] Oh, my God, I'm burning up.

It's like I'm on--

It's like I'm on the beach in Mykonos.

Oh, my God.

You're sweating very profusely right now.

[sniffs] Do you smell that?

It smells like turmeric.

[whispers] What is wrong with him?

I don't know.

Okay. [inhales, then exhales][flatulence]

Oh... [sniffs]

Mm...Mm...

I'll leave you with this.

We're all born the same way--

naked and screaming. Thank you so much.

[whispering indistinctly]

That's good, right? Had a good flow.

Had a good... structure.

Yeah. Yeah.

No notes?

I'm good.Mm...

Good.

[fighting retching]

Oh...Oh...

Oh, Nora, you need to help him.

He's gonna fail.

I know. Um, did you wanna go

get your PediEgg refill tomorrow, like in the morning?

Oh, no, we gotta take care of him first.

He needs help.

I don't care. I don't wanna help him.

If this was your idea,

then you should pitch it with him.

Fine.Okay, that's my good girl.

Oh, shit, he's coming back.

Can I do it one more time?No!

♪♪

[phone vibrating]

Oh, no.

[Edmund sighs] I just wanna get this over with.

I'm shaking like a leaf.

You'll be fine.

Just pretend you're naked.

Stare-- stare into their eyes.

I'm pitching in a conference room,

not a sauna.

You know what, this is gonna be a disaster

and I-- I should go, I should go, I'm gonna go.

No, no, look. I know you're nervous.

Okay? So am I.

But now's the time to see who has a heart.

Now's the time to prove to yourself

and everybody else

that even though you're locked up,

you're somebody.

All right?

That you can do something special

that no one else in the world can do.

You get to walk through those doors,

hold your head up high,

and call yourself a Mustang!

Is that The Rock's speech from "Gridiron Gang"?

Go with it. You'll be all right.

Are you ready to go up in there and blow them away?

Yeah.Are you ready to scrub

my dad's side dick off the Internet?

Hell yeah!

[stomach gurgling]

[flatulence]

All right, I know what you guys are thinking.

Look, look at this poor, very depressing soul

just standing there frozen in fear

because his jealous ex just posted

a picture of him on all fours

dressed as "The Legend of Zorro."

[chiming]

Yeah, devastating.

And tell me this, how many of you guys

have photos like this up on the Internet?

Really? Cocky bunch.

Yeah, okay. That's cool.

Because I googled every single one of you guys

and found a trove of horrible,

uncompromising, embarrassing photos.

Tom, 2004 Halloween,

dressed as a slutty Pocahontas.

Cultural insensitivity mixed with misogyny.

That's a double yikes.

How would you like to get this photo

off the Internet forever?

Yeah, please.

That's why, luckily, Edmund and I

came up with an app we call...

♪♪

...Scrubr.

With a push of a button,

our Scrubr app can delete

any unwanted photo ever

off the Internet for all eternities.

We use an image similarity algorithm to remove

all your bad photos from the Internet.

Every bunghole, every one-night stand,

every mistake that's ever gone public

so that never again will you google yourself

and have your drunken college mugshot

staring back at you.

Thank you so much!

Wow.

Well, uh, we love it.

Let's talk about upping your valuation

for the next round of funding.

So there'll be a next round.

[man] Oh, hell yeah.

We're very glad that we invested in you, Edmund.

Thank you, Tom, and Maxwell, Amalin,

Riford, and I wanna say Bryson?

Jason.Jason.

Got one syllable.

Well, to be honest,

this didn't really come together

until Nora got on board.Oh!

That's beau-- That's so beautiful.

It's been a contentious working relationship.

She's...A bit contentious.

Speaking of, can I-- Is this up for...?

Uh-huh.

Bye, everyone.

[Nora] Love you.

That's gonna feed her for a month.

[laughter]

Nora, these dumplings are actually really good.

Yeah, a lot better than your public speaking.

[laughter]

Yo, yo, yo!

Oh, dumplings.

You're all thinking about my dick now, aren't you?

No!Get over it.

It's a dick.

Anyway, do you like the dumplings, Grandma?

Oh, yes, they're very tasty.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my two dumplings!

[whispering] Just blink if you love me more.

It's okay. He's not looking.I'm right here.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

♪♪[bell dings]

♪♪

[man] Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?