Original subtitles

[jazz music playing]

♪♪

- Did she find the dog?

- Yeah, I saw her find the dog.

- What did she do?

She must have freaked out, right?

- She started running around screaming and yelling,

freaking out.

Then she laid down and started giving the dog mouth to mouth.

- Disgusting.

- It is disgusting.

who would do such a thing like that?

- You must have really hated that dog.

- No, the dog was great. I loved that dog.

- You loved the dog?

- Yeah.

- Then why did you poison it?

- Because I hated her.

- Cruelty to animals is one of the lowest things you can do.

You're a scumbag.

- what are you talking about?

You asked me for the story, I'm telling you the story.

- Well I'm sorry I asked.

I hope someone poisons you, Ted.

I really do.

I think about the human race.

I think about the end of the world.

I wonder about it.

Are we worth saving?

What kind of person poisons his ex-girlfriend's dog

to get revenge?

How can you forgive someone for something like that?

Can you forgive them? I don't know,

it's hard to have faith in the human race

when there are people like Ted walking the Earth.

You're listening to Stevie Bricks Show

and this is Stevie Bricks

and I thank you if you're tuning in tonight.

It's Tell-all Tuesday

and I want to know the worst thing you've ever done.

Maybe you're a high school teacher

and you've had sex with a student.

Maybe you're an ex-Nazi

and you worked in a concentration camp.

Or maybe you worked at the World Bank or TMZ.

Whatever it is, this is a chance for you to tell your story.

Ron from New York, you're on the air.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

- I can't believe I'm talking to Stevie Bricks.

- Man, I love your show. - Thanks.

- I listen to you all the time, man.

- All the time. - Ron, you flatter me.

- What's the worst thing you've ever done?

- Well, I've never told anyone this story.

- Okay, well let's hear it.

- It was a long time ago. It was in college, actually.

- Mm-hmm. What happened?

Did you take advantage of someone?

- No, like a girl?

I would never do anything like that.

I'm not that kind of guy.

- Well, what did you do, Ron?

Hmm?

You there?

- I'm sorry, man. I'm just nervous.

I've been carrying this story with me for a long time.

Tonight's the night I finally share it with the world.

Here it goes,

the worst thing I've ever done.

- I cut off a man's-- - Ron, we got to go. we're late.

- I'm on the phone.

- who are you talking to? - It doesn't matter.

- Honey, we got to go. We're already late. - It's okay.

- Ron, you there?

- Yeah, we are just dealing with something.

I'm dealing with my wife actually, so it's fine.

- Hurry. We have to wrap this up now. - Okay, okay.

- Who is it? Who are you talking to? - It doesn't matter.

- I just don't want to lose the table

because we all have to sit at the same time.

- Okay, it looks like Ron is in the middle of some sort of

domestic dispute.

- Will you give me a second, please?

- We can't sit down until all of us are there.

- Can, you just give me a second?

- Ron, this is live radio. I don't have a second.

- No, no it's fine. It's all taken care of,

because I'm going to tell you the story right now.

- I'll give you 30 seconds.

- Uh-huh. Some other time, Ron.

- Hello? - 29, 28

- Hello? - 27, 26...

- He hung up.

- Who were you talking to?

- Stevie Bricks.

- Stevie Bricks, the radio guy?

- Yeah.

- Ron, he's totally obnoxious. Come on, let's go.

- How are you already ready to go?

You take forever to get ready.

- Are you really wearing that shirt?

- What's wrong with this shirt?

- You look like a Mexican Ken Doll.

I don't like you listening to that show.

- I'm not a 1 2-year-old, okay. I can listen to whatever I want.

Besides, I don't give you a hard time about watching that

prison show you love so much.

- Yeah, but why would you call in?

- Can you slow down a little bit?

- Ron, no. We're running late.

- You're power walking it feels like

- and my feet are hurting. - I'm not power walking.

- Seriously, just slow down a little bit.

- You know what, you really need to get in shape.

A lot of fat around the mid-section

is a sign of heart disease.

- I'm fine, okay?

- You know what my mom wants to get you for Christmas?

- What? - A defibrillator.

- Okay, then get pesto, you can get anything you want.

- We can share something.

- Okay, all right.

- You are so beautiful. Isn't my wife...

Isn't she the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

- She really is. - Really.

- Yeah, beautiful.

- You like to make me blush. - Gorgeous.

- Nicki, you look beautiful as well.

- Oh, thank you.

- Ron, doesn't Nicki look beautiful tonight?

- She looks great, okay.

I don't need confirmation that she's looks beautiful.

I know she's beautiful. You look beautiful too.

Everybody here looks really great.

That's terrific.

Now can you guys just stop doing what you're doing

because I don't even want to eat dinner because...

- Ron's not one to give compliments much.

Actually, he doesn't really say, "I love you."

- Well, sometimes. - What's the matter with you?

- I just don't feel like you have to say it all the time.

You know, before you go to bed, before you go to work,

before you go to the bathroom.

There's something about it that reeks of desperation.

Constantly, "I love you, I love you,

I love you."

- Exactly what you guys are doing right now. - No.

- I'm not questioning your love for each other. - I love you.

- I'm just saying there's something about it

that's slightly pathetically sad.

And desperate.

- You should try it. You should try it, Ron.

- It feels good. - Yeah, It just feels good.

- She knows I love her.

I don't have to tell her she's beautiful

to confirm that I love her.

- It's just a reminder that you can give love and receive love

and it just feels so good inside when you say it.

Just try it.

- We give and receive love once a month, at least.

- It's nice to hear sometimes.

I'm just letting you know that.

I'm fine, it's nice to hear sometimes.

- Listen to your woman.

- How are we doing over here, guys?

- Good, good. - Great!

- Are you ready to order? - Yeah!

- You got any questions about the menu?

- Um. - Um.

- I know what I want, spaghetti and meatballs.

- I think it was based on her biography.

- Yeah, she went to prison for like a year and a half

for embezzlement or something.

- That's right.

- I wonder if she regrets it. - I can't imagine she would.

She got a biography and a hit TV show out of it.

It's the best thing that ever happened to her.

- I don't know if I'd trade 1 8 months of my life

for a career in film and television.

- Well, she probably saw it as an opportunity

to capitalize off of a unique life experience.

- I can't believe we're sitting around talking about

a television show about women in prison.

We're all adults, we should be talking about something

sophisticated, like literature, or books or something like that.

- It's based on a book.

- This is a worthy conversation. It's culture. - Yeah.

- But I'm just sick of hearing

that we're in the Golden Age of television, okay?

It's still just a big distraction.

It doesn't compare to reading.

- This coming from the man who listens to

the Stevie Bricks Show.

- Who listens to Stevie Bricks? - What?

- This fucking guy does.

- No.

- He's the worst.

- You listen to Stevie Bricks?

- He's sexist.

- Hey, look at it this way. If it wasn't for sexist people,

feminism wouldn't have a cause.

- You know, I...

- Actually, tonight he was calling into the show.

That's why we were late.

- You call in? - Yeah.

- It's the first time I called in.

- You're as low-brow as they get.

- Stevie Bricks is not low-brow, okay?

He's an anthropologist.

- He has people call in to break wind on air.

Did you call in to do that?

- I would never air my air on air.

I mean, I would never do that.

- Why did you call? - He doesn't do that anymore, by the way.

- He's more sophisticated than that.

- So, why did you call in? - Yeah, why did you call in?

- All right, once a week he has this segment

called Tell-all Tuesday,

where callers call in and they tell a story.

They tell the worst thing they've ever done.

So I was calling in

to talk about the worst thing I've ever done.

- Which was?

- What's the worst thing you've ever done?

- Yeah, what's the worst thing you've ever done? - I don't want to talk about it.

- You were going to tell all of New York. - Yeah.

- The moment is gone though.

- No, no, no, the moment's not gone.

The moment is now.

What did you do?

- Tell us. Do you know this story?

- I have no idea.

I mean, he's done some really shitty things,

so I would love to know what the worst thing is.

- Tell us.

- I cut a guy's fingers off.

- What? - Bullshit.

- No, it's true. I did. - Bullshit.

- No, you didn't.

- I was at a frat party in college,

partying and drinking.

I had to go to the bathroom,

so, I was waiting in line to go to the bathroom.

There's a girl standing there, she's cute

and I start talking to her. I start flirting.

I start making her laugh,

because I've had a few drinks and got a lot of bravado.

I'm very charming, you know, when I'm drunk.

So we're talking, having a good time,

we're laughing.

This is all in the span of a few minutes.

Then, out of the blue, this big dude comes out of the bathroom

and he sees me talking to this girl.

Obviously it's his girlfriend.

And he slams me up against the wall,

and he says, "What the fuck are you doing talking to my girl?"

- It's his girlfriend? - Apparently, it's his girlfriend.

- What were you saying to her?

- Nothing, I don't remember.

- People get jealous, you know...college guys.

- I'm just flirting with her like people do at parties.

It was a long time ago. I was drunk and stoned.

I wasn't saying anything crude or untoward.

- So he's got you, right?

He's throttling you and then what?

- He's not throttling me.

- He's smacking you around like a little bitch.

- No, he's not slapping me around like a little bitch,

but he's pushing me up against the wall

and he's screaming at me.

- He's actually assaulting me. - Right.

- So, I don't take shit like that from anybody.

I may be a small guy, but if people fuck with me,

I'll fuck shit up if I get provoked.

- Okay, just tell us the story. - Anyway, Rambo.

- So I just react

and I just shove the guy as hard as I can

and he topples right over.

I wrestled in high school. I'm a strong motherfucker.

I can get people off balance, right.

So the guy's on the floor, and he's writhing around

and he's trying to get up.

And he stands up and he's really pissed off now,

- because I've humiliated him in front of all these people. - Good, good.

- He deserved it, right? - Yeah, he deserved it.

- I hate punks like that. - I do too

- but, he stands up and he's really pissed off now.

So I'm a little scared, not because I'm a pussy,

but this is seriously some fucked up shit.

So, he starts coming after me

and he charges me with his hands out like this

and my fight or flight response takes hold.

So I just slam the bathroom door and I run.

I just run like hell.

But the thing is, this bathroom door is really heavy.

It's like one of these big industrial bathroom doors,

so when it slams, and I slam it shut,

it slams really hard. It's like "wham!"

You know, really, really hard.

And I start running but then I hear all this screaming

and yelling, like, "Oh my God!"

It's pandemonium, complete pandemonium.

And I look up and this frat guy is back on me again

and he's like, "Look what you did to me!

Look what you did to me, mother fucker!"

- And there's blood everywhere. - Oh my God.

This is all kind of a blur.

Again, because, you know, I'm a little bit stoned and inebriated.

But I'll never forget this.

There's blood all over my sweater,

blood all over the walls.

He says, "Look what you did to me!"

And I look up

and two of his fingers are missing.

They're cut off and there's blood just gushing everywhere.

Again, this is a frenzy. It's out of control.

- It's complete bedlam. - I can't believe you didn't tell me this.

- The door cut his fingers off?

- The door cut his fucking fingers off. - Really?

- Is it a heavy, heavy door? It could have done that?

- It wasn't like they were dangling or mangled.

- They were clean cut. - Off? Off?

- Off. - And then what happened?

- So everybody's freaking out.

People are freaking out. I'm freaking out.

The guy's freaking out. And I just run, I run like hell.

I run out of the frat house. I run across campus.

I get to my dorm room

and I pretty much hide in the dorm room until the next day.

- Did you get into trouble?

- No, I didn't get into trouble.

- They didn't have cell phones back then

so no one took a photo.

- No one saw you. No one fingered you?

- People saw me, but they didn't know who we were.

We used to go to these frat parties, my friend and I.

We would bounce around frat court.

We would go from one frat party to next frat party,

- drinking their beer, fucking their women. - Right, sure.

- Oh, come on.

- That's the way you do, or the way one does. - You guys...

- Anyway, that's the worst thing I ever did.

I cut a guys fingers off.

- Did you ever wonder whatever happened to that guy?

- I wouldn't know that guy if I saw him today.

- You don't think that's hanging over your head.

The guy's somewhere standing nearby.

- It could be this guy right here and I wouldn't even know.

You know?

- How are you guys doing?

- Good. - Good, a little nauseated.

- Anybody want dessert?

- Yes, I'll have the Tiramisu. - No!

- Oh, this is so good. - Why didn't you guys just get your own?

- I just wanted a bite. - We could have gotten extra.

- You don't need the extra calories, Ron.

- Take your time, whenever you guys are ready. - Thank you.

- Thank you.

- No, no we got this. - Yeah.

- This is our turn. - Are you sure?

- You guys paid last time.

- Did we? - Yeah.

- Yeah, it's definitely our turn.

- I mean, this place is more expensive than the last place,

but that's fine.

- Goodnight, babe.

Oh sweetheart, I'm really stuffed.

That food was so rich.

- You want to fool around a little bit?

- I'm really tired, honey.

I had a fucking long day.

- Fine.

- Hey. - Yeah.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Les?

- Huh?

- What's the worst thing you've ever done?

- I need to tell you something. - Huh, what?

- I love you.

- Huh? - I love you.

- Hey look at me for a second. - What?

- I love you. - I know.

- No, I mean, I really, really love you.

You're the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life.

If I believed in God, I would thank him or her,

everyday, that he made you just stupid enough to marry me.

- Thanks.

- Thank you for making her so stupid.

I don't know what I would do without you.

- You're very sweet.

- We should make a baby.

- No.

- What the fuck?!

- That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard

in my entire life.

- You asked me and I told you.

Why the fuck did you ask me if you didn't want to hear it?

- You peed on a puppy?

An innocent puppy?

- It was in fucking high school.

It was ages ago.

- So let me get this straight.

You're with your punk ass high school friends

and you're walking in the woods and you see a stray puppy,

so you pull out your cocks and you piss all over it?

- That's what you did? - I'm not proud of it.

- I'm going to be sick.

- Why are you getting so upset?

You're acting like we ripped it open and ate it.

- I just wish you never would have told me.

I can't handle things like this.

You know I obsess over things.

- Fine, can we start over now?

The worst thing I ever did?

I stole a pair of running shoes, okay?

- What was it doing when you were pissing all over it?

- There were three of us, okay?

It would run one way, I would spray it with pee.

It would run the other way,

another guy would spray it with pee.

- We had it running around in circles. - Oh my God.

- I'm going to be sick. I'm going to be so sick.

- You know, when we first met and we were experimenting,

we use to give each other Golden Showers,

remember that?

- That was consensual.

- Okay, the next time I pee on a puppy,

I'll get it's consent, alright?

- When I was in college,

I used to be an animal rights activist.

I used to throw buckets of paint on people who wore fur coats.

- That's a fantastic way to solve a problem,

just throw a bucket of paint on it.

Who thought of that? It's genius.

- Its better than a bucket of piss.

- Fine, shut the light.

- You need to make amends.

- I'll make a donation to the humane society.

- That could work.

- Like, five thousand dollars. - Fine.

- That's five thousand less than we'll have to spend

on shit we like.

- Like, five hundred dollars. - Done.

- Shut the light.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

[indistinct conversation]

- Right off the bat,

does anybody recognize what I'm drawing?

- Twin Towers?

- Twin Towers. That's exactly right.

And we all know what happened to the Twin Towers.

September 1 1th 2001 ,

they were reduced to a big heap of smoldering rubble, okay.

And we all know what happened after that.

We went to war with Afghanistan and we went to war with Iraq

and now Iraq is completely discombobulated and in pieces.

So, what I want to know is, instead of going to war,

what are some alternatives to going to war?

What are some things we could have done besides going to war?

So, Cameron, let's say that I walk up to you.

You're in the hallway and I just punch you.

I just punch you. I punch you in the shoulder.

Okay, what are you going to do?

- I'm probably going to punch you back!

- Well, yeah. That's right, you know.

And I would understand that,

and that's exactly the way we reacted after 9/1 1 .

We were all very angry, we wanted revenge.

We were also very scared, so we reacted with force, okay?

But there wasn't a lot of compassion.

There was compassion for the people we lost on 9/1 1 .

There was compassion for the families,

but there wasn't so much compassion

for the people we bombed.

Rain, can you put your cell phone away, please?

So what are some alternatives?

What are some things we could do besides

punch back, basically.

- You could talk.

- That's good, Kimberly. We could talk.

Why didn't we think of that?

Someone punches you, you could ask a question,

for example.

Ask me why I punched you, Cameron.

I just punched you in the face. Ask me a question.

Rain. Come on, man.

Put the cell phone away, seriously.

You're, like, cramping my whole style here, okay?

Give it to me. Give it to me.

- Give it to me. - No.

- What are you doing? Why are you doing this?

- This is so stupid.

- Why is this stupid?

- Do you realize what you're saying?

You're saying that the terrorists were justified

in what they did.

- No, I'm not saying that. - Yeah, you are.

- I'm trying to get you all to learn empathy,

which is something this me generation of me,

- me, me, doesn't have. - Empathy?

Why should I be listening to you?

It's adults that start the wars?

- I had to push a lot strings to get this through the curriculum.

But, I'm glad you guys are appreciating it.

You guys have a good day, take care.

Jesus Christ.

Les? What are you doing, man?

- I should fuck you up right now.

- What are you talking about, man?

- Kate told me about your little finger bang party last year.

I didn't think you were the kind of guy

to fuck around with another man's wife.

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah, Zane, it's cool.

- He's a friend of mine. - You sure?

- Yeah. It's fine. He's fine, thanks. It's cool.

You can go back to your friends.

- All right. - Bye.

- This is where I work, man. Don't do this shit, okay.

We were fucking wasted. It didn't mean anything.

- Oh, is that an excuse? Does that make it okay?

You were wasted?

- Why do you keep doing that, man?

- What's wrong with you? - I'm contemplating kicking your ass,

but I don't want to get in trouble.

You hit somebody in the temple hard enough

you can kill them instantly.

I don't need a manslaughter conviction.

- Nobody needs a manslaughter conviction.

- Why did she tell you?

- I have no idea why she told me.

I would rather I didn't know.

- It was innocent.

- Really?

You know where I come from stinky pinky isn't innocent.

It's second base.

- Stinky pinky?

- Did you fuck her?

- No, man. We made out in a bathroom.

It was like two years ago.

I barely remember it, man.

I was plastered.

You're not going to tell Nicki, are you?

- No, but you should.

- I'm not going to.

- Yeah, I'm not surprised.

You always seemed like a coward to me.

- I'm not a coward, man. I use to live in Bedstuy.

- You don't see Kate anymore, you understand.

You don't talk to her, you don't even dream about her.

- I can't control what I dream about.

I had a dream last night I was 69-ing Donald Rumsfeld.

- Listen to me. I know gangsters, right.

Real ones.

Sicilians and shit.

You may have cut a guy's fingers off by accident

but I know people who do that for a living, okay?

You just watch your back, motherfucker.

- I wash my back every night.

- Watch!

Watch, motherfucker!

- Fuck.

- Now, my first marriage was a disaster.

My second marriage was not much better.

My third was okay...

...but far from perfect.

I'm not a saint, I'll admit it, but we all have needs.

- Hey. - Hey.

- ...food and shelter...

- You're listening to Stevie Bricks. - Yeah.

- Why?

- I'm just trying to figure out what you see in this guy.

- What are they talking about?

- Adultery.

- Did you talk to Les?

- Huh? No.

- Turn this off. This guy's an idiot.

- Oh, now he's an idiot?

I thought you worshipped the guy.

- You hungry? - I guess.

- Let's get some Chinese food.

- Okay.

- Les.

- Yes.

- Are you going to talk to me?

- I'm eating.

- So?

- I don't like talking with my mouth full.

- Well, talk to me when your mouth is empty.

- I don't feel like talking tonight.

- Les, I'm sorry.

- What are you sorry about?

It was just a finger, right?

Just one finger.

What's the big deal?

- Felix, how are you? - Hey, good to see you.

- Good to see you too. How are things?

- Good, everything's fine. - How's your family?

- Family's good, too. - Good?

- There you go, keep the change. - Thank you.

- Keep the change. - Oh, thank you.

- How's business?

- Business is better than ever. - Better than ever?

- In this economy, the way this economy is,

- everything is good? - Yeah.

- Nothing's... You know, that's great. - Yeah, nothing is affecting us.

- That's what happens when you sell a good product

- at a good price. - Oh, thank you.

- That's probably the reason why

- no one goes to the movies anymore. - Right, right!

- Well, thanks very much. - Thank you so much.

- You're a good customer. - Thanks very much.

- Take care.

[door slams shut]

- You really want to watch "Life in Orange?"

- Yeah, I want to find out what the masses are watching.

I'm ready to join the herd.

- Wow, "join the herd." You make it sound so dumb.

- Well, this is the New Normalcy...

The New Normality, I should say.

Each episode is tuning us out just a little bit more.

It's what Aldous Huxley talked about in Brave New World.

- You're an idiot.

- It's also what Neil Postman wrote about.

- I don't know who that is.

- It doesn't matter if we're getting dumber,

because the singularity will fix everything.

- Ron, I don't care. I just want to watch the show. - Okay.

Is there full frontal in this?

- Les, you're going to be late.

Can I make you breakfast?

[dramatic music plays]

- Okay, so Operation Ajax!

- Isn't that a soap?

- Yeah well, it is a soap, yes.

But in terms of what happened here,

I wouldn't say there was anything clean

about what America did, okay?

But if you consider what we did,

which was pretty lousy,

let's imagine a hypothetical where it didn't happen.

And we didn't go in and get rid of the Prime Minister of Iran

in the 1 950's.

How might that have that affected

Middle Eastern relations today?

How might the Middle East view us today,

if that hadn't happened?

- Well, it was in our best interest to do it though,

wasn't it?

- Sure, I guess you could say that,

economically, it was in our best interest to take their oil.

All Iran wanted to do was nationalize their oil,

so what was in their best interest?

That's what people don't talk about.

Let's say you got a million dollars under your bed, okay.

It's in my best interest

to take that million dollars if I want it,

because I can do a lot with that money.

But it's not in your best interest.

Rain, come on, man. Put the cellphone away.

I'm tired of dealing with this, every time we're talking.

- Yo, this shit doesn't matter.

- It does matter.

All of this matters. Empathy matters, okay.

- Give me the cellphone! - Yo, fuck you, Mr. Wells.

- Ooh.

- Nicki?

That's nice.

[intense music]

♪♪

- Chastity stock is up 4 dollars.

- I told you, right?

I haven't steered you wrong yet.

- I wonder how high it's going to go

when that first consumer rocket goes into orbit.

- It's going to go right up into the stratosphere.

- Let's hope so!

[cell phone vibrating]

- Sorry, Barry. Let me take this call.

This guy's not going to leave me alone otherwise.

Fuckface, I told you not to contact me.

- You're a sick son-of-a-bitch, Les.

- Oh, I'm a sick son-of-a-bitch? How so?

- Don't play dumb. You know what I'm talking about.

- I'm with a client, Ron.

- I thought it was fake at first, but it's fucking real.

- What's real? What are you talking about?

- The finger, Les.

Give me a break. The finger, man!

- The finger? Which one?

The one you stuck in my wife?

- Where did you get it? One of your mafia connections?

- I don't have any mafia connections.

- You told me you had ties to the Sicilian Mafia family.

- What? You think because I'm Italian

that I'm connected to the Mob? What the fuck is that?

- You said so yourself.

- I was just trying to scare you, you imbecile.

- Well, I don't scare so easily, Les.

I once watched The Exorcist, by myself,

in the dark, all the way through.

- Okay, you know what?

I have no idea what you're talking about so,

I'm hanging up now.

- You're lucky I don't go to the police.

- Go to the police, Ron.

Whatever it is you're talking about...

- I don't need the police, okay?

Let me tell you something, you might be Italian,

but I'm Turkish and Turkish people are fucking crazy.

So watch your fucking back.

- Fuck you.

- Hello?

Mother fuck.

[door opening]

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- Who is that?

Hello?

Who is that?

- Honey?

- Ron? - Hey. You home?

- Oh, my God. What are you doing?

- Hey babe. - What is going on in here?

- I thought there was a robber.

- I've got this little thyroid thing in my thigh.

I was trying to get it out.

My leg was clotting or something.

It's fine, though.

- Ron, you need to get this under control.

You need to see the trainer I'm working with.

He said he's going to give you two free sessions.

- I know but you married me for my...

- No, I married you because you were a hot wrestler.

- I can still do it, you know.

Come on. Can you go like that?

Do you want to fucking go?

I'll fucking barnyard you right now.

Barnyard you. Do you want me to?

[door clicks shut]

- What?

I was out with a client.

- You're avoiding me, Les.

- What do you want me to say?

- Just talk to me.

It's like we're strangers all of the sudden.

- All I want to say are hurtful things, Kate.

I just keep seeing your hands on his cock

and his fingers inside of you.

- My hand was never on his cock.

- Yeah, well that's what I keep seeing.

I keep seeing his tongue in your mouth

and his hands all over you.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, you keep saying that.

- Let's go. Come on.

Gioia, come on! We need to go!

- Maybe you're doing something to provoke her.

You know she can be very sensitive.

- I'm just doing my job, okay?

Rain's behavior is becoming more anti-social.

It's interfering with my class.

- Mrs. Bennet, is anything happening at home

that might be causing Rain distress?

- Well, her grandfather is very sick

and she's very close to him.

- Oh, that's sad to hear. - Diabetes is a serious illness.

They had to amputate one of his legs below the knee.

They may have to amputate the other leg soon.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - Yeah, that's awful.

- But this doesn't give cause for her to act out

the way you say that she is.

Normally, she's very respectful towards authority.

- Yeah, but she's extremely hostile to me.

- Maybe she's defending herself.

- No. She's antagonistic.

She's aggressive.

It's completely unprovoked.

- Well, her father was from the Middle East

and her father was very emotionally abusive.

- So, he's no longer in the picture?

- No. He sells shish kabobs in Sabzevar.

- Just because he was emotionally abusive,

doesn't mean that all Middle Eastern men

are emotionally abusive.

- Just because all Middle Eastern men aren't emotionally abusive

doesn't mean that you're not.

- You can't blame everything on the Middle East.

- I agree with Ron. And besides, Ron's American.

- Yeah, but my family is from Turkey.

- And they have very backwards policies

towards their women there.

- Actually, no.

Turkey has a very Western attitude towards women.

- No.

They expect for their women to be obsequious there.

- Turkish women, obsequious? - Yeah.

- Are you kidding me? - No.

- No. If anything Turkish women are bossy and bitchy.

- Bossy and bitchy?

- I don't mean it like that.

- Do you see what I mean?

- Strong. Turkish women are very strong.

- No, you're trying to cover it up.

- I'm mainly referring to my mother.

My mother was bossy and bitchy.

- She still is. - Ron, Ron, Ron, chill.

- I can't be in the room with this man.

- Mrs. Bennet, Mrs. Bennet, listen.

We care greatly about Rain's education.

We feel she's a very bright girl.

- She's absolutely a bright girl.

I don't like him.

- I can understand that.

I don't like him either, but that's another story.

So how long has Rain's father been out of the picture?

- I became a teacher so I could make a difference,

to feel good about my life.

But I just feel like I'm not reaching these kids.

I think it's the parents to blame to be honest.

I mean, I really just think that my students hate me.

- I hated all my teachers in high school.

- You did? - Yeah.

- Even the ones you fucked?

- Especially the ones I fucked. - Really?

- Yeah. - Did you fuck a lot of them?

- All of them.

- You need anything washed? I'm going to go.

- Oh yeah, actually, this shirt. But can you wash it on cold?

Just wash all of it on cold.

- Wash it on hot. Got it. I got it.

You need anything else?

- Um... I don't think so.

- Anything dirty? Your panties?

Are they a little crusty? Are they a little dirty?

Dirty panties there?

Can I take your panties and give those a nice washing?

- You want my dirty panties? - I like your dirty panties.

I like your nice, crusty panties.

That's the best thing in the world.

There's nothing like a nice pile of yeast

to get me through the day.

- You're disgusting.

[smells the panties]

- This would stop a war, you know what I mean.

Instead of napalm, they should've just shower

other countries with your...

Do you want to fool around before I go?

- No.

- Are you having an outbreak?

[scoffs] - No.

- It's nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.

- Whatever. You gave it to me.

- You don't know that 1 00 percent.

- I do know that 1 00 percent. I know that 1 00,000 percent.

- You were promiscuous in college.

You didn't always use protection.

- It was awesome in college.

- See you later. I love you.

- You've been saying that a lot lately.

- I love you? I've just been feeling amorous.

You know? So what?

- No, it's weird.

It's like you're compensating for something.

- You're crazy. I love you, okay?

You're my wife and I want the world to know it.

I'll shout it from the streets when I get downtown.

That's what I'm going to do.

[humming a tune]

- Hey.

I'm making your mother's Italian Wedding soup.

- I'm going out.

- Where are you going?

- I've got to go do something. - What do you have to do?

- Who you got to do it with?

- I've just got to meet someone. - Okay, where are you going?

- I've got to do something. - I made your favorite soup.

- I can't stay.

- It's going to be done in twenty minutes.

- I can't stay. - You need to stay.

- I've got to meet someone.

- You cannot let one finger ruin an entire life.

It's one little thing.

- I have to leave. I'll be back later.

- Fine. - What are you doing?

- I'm just going to... - What are you doing?

- Why did we get married?

I just want to remind you of what happened

- that brought us together. - What are you doing?

- I just want you to know what you'll be missing. - I don't want to fuck you.

- What are you talking about?

I'm going to blow you. You're not going to fuck me.

- You don't have to do anything. - I jerked off in the shower.

- Fine. Just stand there and I'll make you...

Just come on. Fuck me up the ass.

You've always wanted to fuck me up the ass and I never let you.

- Get some self respect.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking walking out on me right now?

[door slams shut]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

- [TV show] Can we just stop fighting please?

Okay, I can't take the drama anymore.

It's too much.

You used to be nice to me.

- I know.

Prison's hard on a bitch.

- We've got to stick together.

I don't have any friends left.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- How's it going? - Hey man.

- Good to see you again. - Good to see you too.

All right. Let me see which one I haven't tried, here.

What are these?

- Uh, those are red velvet.

- I haven't tried red velvet.

Let me try one of those and a decaf coffee, please.

- Sounds good.

I better get one for my wife too, don't you think?

- Yeah, you better. - Let me get a red velvet to go.

- She'll like that. - All right, all right.

- She'll think that's nice.

- That'll be $7.25.

- $7.25?

Easy! Easy!

- Easy! Easy! - You know that movie?

- I do. - Great movie.

[piano music playing]

♪♪

- What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Why is this happening to me?

- Did you see any suspicious people in the laundromat

while you were doing your laundry?

- Officer, this is a Brooklyn laundromat, okay?

Everyone in this place looks like they're on parole.

- Did you check the dryer before you put your clothes in?

- What do you mean?

- Was it empty?

Perhaps the foot was left by the person

who dried his clothes before you.

- Yeah, I'm sure that's what happened.

Some people leave behind spare socks.

Some people leave behind severed feet.

Mystery solved.

- Are you being sarcastic?

- No. Not at all.

- You know. We don't have to be here.

There's a lot of other people out there with bigger problems.

- Yeah, but most of the people out there complaining,

their problems that aren't that big of a deal.

- It's the American way. - Oh yeah?

- Yeah. - Here it is.

- Whoa! Mother fucker. Goddammit!

- If I had to guess, I'd say it belongs to a male.

Approximately 5' 1 0" in height.

- Will you put that away, please?

- Jesus Christ. - Relax, sir. It's just a foot.

- No, man, I'm freaking out over here.

I'm trembling. Seriously.

- Just put it in the bag. Put it in the bag, okay.

Hey, buddy. Relax. It's going to be all right.

You've just had a traumatic experience.

- No, man, feet just give me the creeps in general.

I can't even look at my wife's feet and they're lovely.

- Well, consider yourself lucky.

My wife's feet are pretty horrific.

- How is Janet?

- You know, the same.

We got our 20th anniversary coming up.

[cell phone vibrating] - Oh, that's great.

- Yeah. We're going to get out of the city for a day or two.

- Where are you going to go?

- Jersey.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- Sorry, I'm late.

You're not going to believe what happened to me.

Oh.

- I want you to leave.

- Over a kiss?

- You don't throw someone out of the apartment over a kiss?

- Ron, you touched her tinkerbell.

- Tinkerbell?

- Her pussy, Ron. You touched her pussy.

- Maybe I should leave.

- Why did you tell her?

- I had to. My marriage is falling apart.

- So you're trying to break up our marriage now?

- No, I just thought she needed to know.

- Why did you tell Les?

- I'd been carrying it too long.

You're not supposed to hold on to things like that.

It'll cause cancer.

- Everything causes cancer.

- Why did either of you do this?

Why? Are you attracted to each other?

- No! - No!

- She's not my type.

- I don't like fat guys. - Fuck you.

- I'm leaving. - Sit down.

- You leave, Ron. And you are fat.

- I'm the bad guy here, right? I'm the fucking asshole!

- Yeah, you are an asshole. - I'm the dick?

- You are a dick.

- Do you want to know what her psychopath

of a husband did tonight?

Do you want to know? Listen to this shit.

He followed me to the laundromat

and he put a severed foot in the dryer

when I was out getting cupcakes.

- What the hell are you talking about?

- Les sent me a severed finger

and he put a fucking severed foot in our laundry.

He's a lunatic.

- Nothing that you're saying makes any sense right now.

- It doesn't make any sense, you're right.

Why do you think I was at the laundromat for so long?

- I don't know. - I was talking to the police.

- Here's the police report. Look at it.

This is a fucking nightmare.

Take it!

- Okay, so where's this foot?

- The police took it.

- Where did they take it?

- To the police station.

You think they're going to let me bring it home

and use it as a doorstop?

It's evidence.

- Who's foot is it, Ron? Who's foot?

- Daniel Day-Lewis'?

How am I supposed to know whose fucking foot it is.

I don't know.

Cut me some fucking slack here, okay.

Somebody is fucking with me in a big,

major fucking way, and it's this guy here.

- Wait. What did you do with the laundry?

- I threw it away.

- Why would you throw the laundry away?

- Do you want me to bring the laundry back here?

There was a hot, severed, festering foot in the laundry.

You want me to bring it back here?

Do you know how unsanitary that is?

I was thinking about us. That shit's toxic.

- I fucking hate you.

My favorite shirt was in that laundry.

- Can I talk to you for a second please?

It'll just take a second. Just have a seat, please.

Your book bag looks a little heavy today.

What you got in there?

- My books.

- Since when did you start carrying books in your book bag?

Listen, I just learned that your grandfather lost his foot.

- What?

- He had his foot amputated?

- He had his leg amputated.

- So, it's true.

- What are you saying right now?

- Do you have access to the foot?

Did you have access to the foot in some way?

- No, I do not have access to his foot.

- Look, Rain. I know you don't like me, okay.

But what you're doing is criminal behavior

and if you don't stop, I'm telling you,

it could jeopardize your chances at college.

- What are you accusing me of, exactly?

- Just stop what you're doing, sister.

- Sister?

- Just, stop what you're doing

because if you don't stop what you're doing,

I'm going to make your life a living hell, okay?

I'm going to fuck you up.

- You're fucking ridiculous.

- If you keep interfering with my life, okay?

I just want you to know that.

Okay.

- He's making the whole thing up.

- Of course he is.

- I manage multi-million dollar accounts.

I do business with Fortune 500 CEOs.

- No, you don't. Which ones?

- Okay, middle-managers.

But they could be CEOs one day.

- What's your point?

- The point is that I'm not sending body parts to Ron

and the fact that I'm having dinner to defend myself

is beyond insulting.

- It's about more than that. It's about fixing things.

- I'm not ready.

- There's a lot of negative energy between us right now,

but the important thing is that we're here

and we're being honest with each other.

It shows that we care

and that we think this friendship is worth saving.

Right?

- Uh-huh.

- Great speech. - Thanks.

- Seriously. Martin Luther King, Jr. worthy.

- Are you all ready to order?

- I'm not really hungry but I'll have another drink please.

- Me too, I'll have another one.

- Yeah, more Sangria, please.

- Yeah. Another, please.

- Just keep them coming, okay. Just keep bringing drinks.

- Of course. - Yeah, thanks.

- I'm not really hungry either.

We should probably just have something light tonight,

like fingerfood.

Les, you've probably have some on hand, right?

Fingerfood? Can you give us some finger food?

A little finger action?

- You know, Ron,

I'm not the passive-aggressive type.

If I wanted revenge, I wouldn't send you body parts.

I'd just take you out back and beat the shit out of you.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

- And I still might.

- I tell you what.

- Let's go out here, right now. - Let's go.

- Just stop it. Sit down, right now.

- You wanna go? - Sit down. Sit down.

- You think I'm playing around?

- No one is going outside.

- We're going to sit here like mature adults

- and work through this. - If Italy and Turkey were in a war,

we'd fucking beat the shit out of all you guys.

- We own you! - No, we'd fuck you up!

- Constantinople? That's a Roman city!

- That was then. I'm talking about now.

- Yeah, that shit's coming back.

- Let's do it right here, right now.

- Turkish little prick. - Right in front.

- Right here, right now.

- Men are so stupid.

- Oh man.

- Alcohol is the greatest drug on earth, you know.

There's a reason why they call them spirits.

Because they sure do lift them.

- I've got to make a phone call.

- Who you gonna call?

- Ghostbusters. None of your fucking business.

- Tell Bill Murray I said hello.

- Who are you calling?

- It's just a work thing. I'll be right back.

- Now the fun can begin.

Isn't Les like that asshole boss that everyone hates at work?

He's always looking over your shoulder and micro-managing you.

Now that he's gone, it's like we're on vacation

and we can just relax.

- I'm going to go to the bathroom.

- Okay, baby. I love you.

- Uh-huh. Try not to finger each other.

- That's funny. Isn't that funny?

- No.

- Everything's falling apart. Right before our very eyes.

It's all crumbling.

- Who cares? Another failed marriage or two.

It's not even going to make a dent in the divorce rate.

Think about what's happening in Iraq.

They've got problems. This is nothing.

- I have a healthy marriage.

I had a healthy marriage. And I have to fix this.

- Be honest.

Don't you think these two are blowing things

out of proportion a little bit.

- Yeah, a little bit.

- Is that really the worst thing you've ever done?

Cheated on your husband?

- I don't consider what happened with you cheating.

I've done more than that with first cousins, okay?

- Then why are you so guilty?

Why are you overridden with guilt?

- Because I have a conscience.

You're not supposed to do that when you're married.

I have a conscience.

- I don't think so. I just think you're confused.

- I'm not confused.

- Les showed me video of you in college.

You were at some kind of parade, and you were down on all fours

and you were wearing furry ears and howling at the moon.

I don't know what that was about but it was ridiculous.

- That was for animal rights.

That wasn't confusion. It was for animal rights.

- Animals don't have rights, Kate.

- Yes, they do.

- You and Bob Barker, I swear to God.

- What about Bob Barker?

- Remember, at the end of The Price is Right,

he would say, "Get your pets spayed and neutered."

- Remember when he'd say that? - Yeah. Yeah, you should.

- He's the one who should have been neutered, okay.

He was fucking everybody on that show.

They should have cut his balls off, probably.

- Well, listen. That's the other thing.

He peed on a puppy

and I think that's why I just wanted to hurt him.

That's why I told him about us.

- Bob Barker peed on a puppy?

- No! Les peed on a puppy.

- Les peed on a puppy? - Yes.

- Why did he pee on a puppy? - I don't know.

- What kind of person pees on a puppy?

- It's disturbing, I know. - It is disturbing.

- It's serial killer shit is what it is.

That's what they do. It's a common denominator.

They torture animals at a young age.

I'm telling you. He's sending me body parts.

- He is. - No, he's not.

- I know my husband.

He looked you in the eyes and he told you he wasn't doing it.

He is not sending you body parts.

- I don't believe it. - He's not. No.

- Especially now, after hearing this.

I don't believe it at all.

- He would never. - He's dangerous.

- You're in danger.

- Oh hey, what's up?

We were just talking about "The Brothers Karamazov,"

that book, that Russian novel.

I think if I had finished reading it,

it probably would have been the best book I ever read.

- I didn't finish it either.

- What's on your face?

- Should we order some food?

I am fucking starving.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

[moaning]

- Yeah.

Right there. Yeah, that's good.

Oh yeah. Fuck me harder!

Yeah.

Oh God! Oh God!

Harder!

Pull my hair!

- Oh God. Oh God.

- Cum on my stomach! Cum on my stomach!

Yeah, yeah.

- My God.

That was amazing.

I love you.

- I love you.

- Are we that shallow that all it takes is a little payback

and all is well?

I make out with your friend, you make out with my friend

and the slate's wiped clean.

- We didn't just make out.

- Where did you do it? In the bathroom?

- Is that where you hooked up? - Uh-huh.

- I'm not even jealous.

- Yeah, but we didn't just make out, Ron.

- What do you mean?

- I gave him a blowjob.

[trumpet squeals]

- Okay, let me just get this straight.

So you're saying that women should wear the hijab.

- I think that I'm starting to maybe understand why, why...

- So they have an obligation?

- Not an obligation, but I feel I understand...

- Is that their only obligation?

- I understand why there's a reason behind, why,

- maybe, they should wear it. - So, what's the reason?

- So, we should be covered

because men can't control themselves?

- I think that's a very good way to look at it.

Because men think about sex all the time.

- Women think about sex too.

- I know women think about sex all the time.

That's the thing.

If you all didn't act upon your sexual impulses so much,

maybe there wouldn't be these things happening here.

[school bell ringing]

- You used to be my favorite teacher.

Now I think you're scum.

- I was just...uh...

- Talk about empathy.

- Do we belong in a kitchen too?

- I'm really disappointed.

- Hey. - Hey.

- So, you're just not going to talk to me now?

- There's nothing to talk about.

- Well, how about, "How's your day?"

- Do you want to know how my day went? - Yeah.

- Same day as it always is.

I'm teaching a bunch of useless information

to a bunch of apathetic kids

who don't give a fuck what I have to say.

That's how my day went.

[knock on the door]

- Who's that? - I ordered Chinese food.

- Oh, well, did you get me some?

- Nope.

Keep the change.

- Thanks.

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- [TV show] They don't sell organic tampons

at the commissary.

They sell that generic shit.

It feels like fly paper. I can't use that.

I need organic cotton.

- [TV show] It's not my fault you've got a sensitive vagina.

- So that's how it's going to be, huh?

- I guess so.

- You're just going to act like I'm not here.

- I guess so.

[scoffs] - Real mature, Ron.

- I guess so.

- You know what, this is bullshit.

- You know what your problem is? - I guess so.

- You're a hypocrite. - Uh-huh. Yep.

- How is what I did any different than what you did?

- Give me a break.

You can't compare the fact that I touched Kate's vagina

with you having Les' cock in your mouth.

It's not the same thing.

- Oh, okay. So your excuse is, "Oh, I got drunk,

- it didn't mean anything." - That's right.

- Can't I use the same excuse? - That's exactly right.

- You can't use the same fucking excuse.

It's not the same fucking thing.

- Goddammit! - What?

- There's a fucking cock in my mouth!

There's a penis in my fucking Chinese food!

- So you normally make all the deliveries here?

- Yes.

- But you didn't deliver it this time.

- Well, I was on my way here, and a guy stopped me downstairs.

He said he was staying in the same apartment.

So he paid for the food and he said he would bring it up.

- So you let him bring the food up?

- Sure.

Because he knew the apartment number.

He knew Mr. Ron's name.

And he seemed to be a very nice guy.

I didn't think anything bad was going to happen.

Besides, he gave me a big tip.

- Oh, great. You got a big tip.

You get a big tip and I get a big dick in my mouth.

That's a fair exchange.

- I'm so sorry, Ron.

I brought you a new order, on the house.

- You keep it, okay? I lost my appetite.

I'll probably never eat again after tonight.

- Well, look on the bright side.

Think of all the weight you'll lose.

- Fuck you.

- Hey, hey, hey. We don't need that kind of talk.

And in the future,

you need to make all the deliveries yourself, okay.

- But I didn't know. - Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

Is this going to be on the internet?

- I don't know about that.

- It's going to kill my business. Very badly.

- We'll try to keep it under wraps, okay?

- Okay. Thank you, officer.

- Mr. Wells. Do you recall what the man looked like

who delivered the food?

- I didn't even see the guy!

- Why not?

- I just gave him the money and he gave me the food,

and that was it.

- So you don't look people in the eyes when you talk to them?

- I was agitated.

- Why were you agitated?

- Domestic issues.

- What kind of domestic issues?

- Personal shit, man. It's none of your business.

What are you implying?

- I just want to know why you were agitated.

- I'm agitated because you're asking me why I'm agitated.

I'm agitated because... I'm just agitated.

I don't like it when people ask me why I'm agitated...

I don't know.

- Miss, are you okay?

- It's Mrs. and she's fine.

- I got it. - God damn, fucking cock!!

- Let's see if we can match the severed member

to the severed foot.

It might be from the same body.

- Judging from the foot size, I'd say it is.

- Ma'am, if you have any trouble at all,

don't hesitate to call me.

- Thank you so much, officer.

- Wait a second, why are you giving her special treatment?

I'm the one who got violated, man.

- Calm down, buddy.

- Don't tell me to calm down.

There was a severed dick in my mouth.

I've sucked a dick before, in college,

but it was attached to a body, okay.

And my wife is running around

acting like a fucking sword swallower

from the Barnum and Bailey Circus.

And out of all the cops in Brooklyn they can send me,

they send me Andre the Giant and Betty Boop.

Okay? I want some fucking answers!

[Stevie Bricks laughing]

- No, I'll tell you this,

if I found a penis in my Chinese food,

I'd probably throw a rock through the window.

What's the name of the place? What is it?

Hong Kong Castle?

They should change it to Long Dong Castle.

Be careful ordering noodles from that place, people.

You might get something a little extra.

Anyway, by now most of you have heard,

the Chastity Fielding 27,

crashed after take-off on Tuesday.

This was supposed to be the first commercial airplane

to orbit the earth.

- This place is great.

I had dinner here a few weeks ago.

- Yeah? Well, I hope you're paying.

Chastity stock is down 50 percent.

- It's all right, Barry. Don't worry.

I got this.

It's going to go back up again.

- "Consumer space travel, that's the way of the future."

- That's what you said, dude. - It is. It is.

- Well, if that first test flight is any indication,

the future looks pretty bleak.

- Come on, Barry. Listen.

It's a test, the rocket exploded in a test.

That's what a test is for.

- You guys ready to order? - Yeah, I think so.

- I was overhearing your conversation

about the Chastity thing.

Man, that was a tragedy, huh?

- Yeah, well.

They'll get a consumer flight into space before you know it

and that stock's going to take off like a rocket.

- Hopefully, it doesn't take off like the last one did.

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure they're going to get it up.

There's no doubt about that.

It's only a matter of time.

Can you imagine being that pilot?

The guy who was in there,

having trained his whole life for that one moment.

And then you're finally up soaring toward the sky and

everything you studied for, hoped for, dreamed for....

gone.

- Honey, nobody is following you.

Really? With the spitting still?

[sighs]

So, they're not actually firing you, right?

- No, it's a leave of absence.

- Okay, so great. How long?

- Like, a month.

- And they're paying you?

- Yeah.

- Okay, so what's the big deal?

- I don't get why companies act like a leave of absence with pay

is punishment.

It's a gift.

- That's a good way of looking at it.

- Hi.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- I'm not really hungry.

You got any wine or any liquor?

- I know who's sending you body parts.

Fuck it, let's have a drink.

- It's just too simple, man. It's not that simple. - Why?

- Because there are too many... - Too many what?

- Too many suspects. - Who?

- You.

- I'm not sending you body parts, okay?

- My students, for one.

- Who?

- Rain, the one who hates me.

- Why would she send you body parts?

- Because she hates me.

- Where would she get the body parts?

- Her grandfather has diabetes; they amputated his foot.

- That's fucking ridiculous.

- You thought she took her grandfather's amputated foot

and put it in the dryer?

- It's not funny. - Yes, it is.

- Actually it isn't.

My uncle has diabetes.

- Tom Hanks has diabetes. - What?

- No. - Yeah.

- Okay and then I thought maybe it was Rain's mom.

- Why would she send you body parts?

- She hates Arabs, okay,

and that's the new trend in the world,

is to blame the Muslims.

- You're not Muslim. - She doesn't know that.

- It's this guy, the waiter.

He overheard us talking that night.

- Where did he get my name? Where did he get our address?

- You paid for dinner.

- Did we pay for dinner?

- Yeah, I remember, because you never pay for dinner.

But you did that night.

So he has your name and he has your credit card number.

Finding out your address with that information

isn't that difficult.

- Okay, possibly.

But the chances that it's the same guy from college,

- that was 20 years ago, there's no fucking way. - So what?

- It's too coincidental. - This shit happens all the time.

- He's right, he's right.

My aunt turned 50, she went to Tibet

on a mountain climbing expedition.

She gets to the top of this mountain,

there's a man sitting on a rock, next to a camp fire.

It's her high school sweetheart,

who she has not seen in 30 years.

- Bullshit. - I swear to God it's true.

- That's an urban legend.

It's like the guy who accidentally fucked his sister

at a frat party.

- It's a little more romantic than that.

- I hired a private investigator

to do a background check on this guy

and find out who he is.

- No, you didn't. - Yeah, I did.

- We can't afford a private investigator.

- You don't have to worry about it, I'm taking care of it.

- Well, that's pretty big of you.

- Well, I'm a big man, Ron.

- Yeah, you are, very big.

- Well, you would know, Nicki.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, he didn't tell you?

- Tell me what?

- She sucked your dick?!

- You fucked around with him, and that's what happens. - I didn't fuck around with him.

- You don't like it, right? - I didn't fuck around with him.

- This is how I felt for the last two weeks! - She sucked your dick?

- I can't even believe you!

- His name is Wally Moore,

age 42, lives in Sunset Park,

born and raised in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

He waits tables at the Raven.

- Where did this guy go to college?

- Boston College.

- Boston College, that's where I went to school,

- It's got to be the same guy. - Holy shit.

- What year did he graduate?

- He didn't. - Why?

- It says he dropped out his sophomore year.

- What for?

- I don't know. It's strange too, he had a scholarship.

- You think he would have graduated. - What kind of scholarship?

- Music.

Turns out, he had been a noted saxophonist

from the time he was a child.

He was considered something of a prodigy.

- A prodigy, really?

- Yeah, he must have been very good

because he's missing two fingers on his hand.

- Fuck.

- What?

- I ruined the guy's life. - Come on, don't say that.

- What's he talking about?

- He cut the guys fingers off.

- Why did you do that? - It was an accident.

- Oh, well, that would account for

why he dropped out of college.

- I fucked his whole life up.

He had dreams of being the next Charlie Parker.

I severed his dreams, literally, severed his dreams.

You can't be a saxophone player with fucking three fingers.

It can't be done.

- Hey, look, remember that one-armed drummer

from that rock band back in the 80's?

- Remember that guy? - Uh-huh.

- What's your point?

- I don't really have one.

How'd you find out all this information so quickly?

- Are you kidding?

I got half this shit off his Facebook page.

- Oh, he looks happy. - He does, doesn't he?

- He doesn't look sad at all.

- Maybe I didn't ruin his life.

- No, I think you probably ruined his life.

- Why do you say that?

- He likes to go to a jazz club called Dino's.

- You know the place? - No.

- Yeah, I know the place.

- Yeah, okay. Well, go there sometime.

You'll see what I'm talking about.

He's there almost every night.

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- What do we do, guys?

- We should follow him.

- What? - You want to follow him?

- Why would we follow him?

- I don't know, it's just the first thing I thought of.

It seemed like the right thing to do.

- That's a dumb idea. Think things through for once.

- I'm not good at thinking, okay?

The first time I saw that famous statue by Rodin,

I didn't even recognize what he was doing.

- Did you see how sad he looked?

That guys looked really depressed,

I felt bad for him.

- I did that. - No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did. - It's the music.

- That's why they call it the blues.

- He could have had an amazing career.

He could have been the next Scarlatti.

- Well, he also could have been the next Kenny G.

Maybe you did the world a favor.

- I like Kenny G.

- I should go talk to him, maybe.

I should maybe talk to him

and try to make amends, or something.

- Ron, you should go to the police.

He's clearly the guy who's been sending you those body parts

and he's dangerous.

- She right, Ron.

- Right?

What? What's wrong?

Why are you looking at me like that?

- I'm just like looking at you.

You're so beautiful.

I can see why Les wanted to put his dick in your mouth.

- I've gotten my fair share of hate mail all over the years,

telling me I'm a scumbag,

the scourge of the earth, the cancer of the airwaves.

But no one's ever sent me a severed animal head,

until today.

I think it was a cat,

I didn't keep it long enough to find out.

It was terrifying in a lot of ways,

knowing that someone went through the trouble

to send me such a thing.

I'm a little rattled, I will admit.

But I'm not deterred.

The words I say, the opinions I take,

the thoughts in my head, they will not cease.

They will flow from my mouth like a furious river.

Decapitate all the cats in Brooklyn if you have to.

Call in ISIS!

I will not be intimidated!

You do not scare me!

- We're looking for a Mr. Wally Moore.

- That's me.

- Do you have a second?

We would like to just ask you a couple questions.

- Yeah, I've got a second. What's up?

- Do you have a place we can speak privately?

- Yeah, come on in back.

- Thank you, sir.

- So I got something here for you,

one of my favorite things.

This place has the best cupcakes in Brooklyn.

So these are Red Velvet,

- and they are to die for. - Dig in, buddy.

- They are so good.

- Come on, have one, Wycoff.

- You don't eat sugar? You don't eat sweets?

- Well...

- Don't feel obligated to eat it if you don't want to.

- Its good, right. It's delicious, it's amazing. - Awesome.

- So what's the status?

- We got the DNA samples back from the body parts.

- Well, that's great. Who's the victim?

- No idea.

We couldn't track the person.

It's a male, white guy, that's all we know.

- That could be anybody.

- That's correct, there are a lot of white people in New York.

- Okay, so now what? What happens now?

- So, we don't know who it is.

But this is where it gets especially strange.

- Okay.

- The blood on the foot, it wasn't real.

- That doesn't make any sense at all.

- That doesn't make any sense.

- You're saying it's fake blood?

Like fake blood from like, the fake blood store?

- Tomato sauce.

- Tomato...tomato sauce?

- Marinara.

- Marinara? Marinara?

Marinara, marinara, like, the marinara sauce,

- Yeah, marinara, marinara. Yeah.

- Why would the guy put marinara sauce on a real foot?

- Why would he do that? - That, my friend, is a good question.

- Yeah, and what's the answer?

- I don't have the answer. The guy's probably nuts.

- Yeah, the guy's probably nuts.

You talked to the guy?

- Which one?

- Wally, the waiter, the guy I went to college with.

- Yeah, yeah, that guy. Yeah, we talked to him.

- And?

- He didn't do it.

- You didn't arrest the guy? - No.

- Why didn't you arrest the guy?

- I just told you, he didn't do it.

- Of course he did it.

This is the guy, I'm telling you...

- Look, we interviewed the guy and he was a really nice guy.

- He's a very nice guy. - He is, yeah.

- Ted Bundy was a nice guy, okay?

Just because you're nice doesn't mean you're not capable of

doing really fucked up crazy morbid up shit.

- Hey, watch the tone.

I got to remember this place. These cupcakes are awesome.

Have another one.

[jazz piano plays]

♪♪

- What?

Stop!

Police!!!

Somebody stop her!!

[jazz music continues]

♪♪

- She ripped my heart out. I had no idea it was coming.

Oh, shit!

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- We don't understand why she was in Muslim garb.

- No, this is something we just can't figure out.

We raised her as a Greek Orthodox.

- You know, I think that she just really liked the style.

And she had very eclectic tastes.

- Too bad it's not an Irish funeral,

we could go get fucked up afterwards.

- Oh, that's what they do after an Irish funeral, right? - Yeah.

- They all get wasted and dance around? - Yeah.

- I've never been to one of those.

- Hey, listen...I'm going to have a photo opening

next week and I would love for you to come.

- Of that's cool, yeah.

You want to go to a photo show next week?

- Yeah, sure.

- Yeah, what kind of photos?

- It's hardcore porn.

- We have to go now, Les.

I'm sorry we can't ask you to come to dinner with us

but we only have a reservation for four.

- No problem.

- You'll come by later and we'll have some coffee.

- Good, we have questions to ask.

You take care of yourself.

[intense music continues]

♪♪

- Oh shit.

I forgot to put these by the grave.

I should go back, maybe.

- I'll put them there for you. - Would you?

- Yeah, of course.

- Thanks, I'm so exhausted.

I feel like I'm going to pass out.

- You don't look well.

Have you been drinking enough water?

- No.

- Here Les, drink this. I'll be back.

- It was a nice ceremony.

- When the priest kept saying, "ashes to ashes

and dust to dust,"

all I could think about was how badly I wanted a cigarette.

- She's in a better place.

- You really think being in a wooden box,

6 feet under, is a better place?

- Maybe, if you're agoraphobic.

- I haven't had a cigarette in 25 years.

- Really?

- You know, a lot of people started smoking after 9/1 1 .

- Maybe the cigarette companies were behind it.

- So, have you thought about

where you're going to scatter the ashes?

- What are you talking about? We just buried her.

- I knew that. My head's in the clouds.

- Les, aren't Kate's parents coming by later?

You want me to help clean some of this stuff up?

- No, no, it's okay. It's all right.

- Don't worry about it. - I don't mind.

- I would be happy to do it. - Yeah, I can help tidy up, too.

- I could vacuum. - No, Ron.

- Why don't you go home and I'll meet you later.

- No, I want to keep Les company.

He needs us.

- You should go. It's depressing here.

- Yeah.

- Are you kidding me?

Oh no.

Fuck.

Hong Kong Café closed?

- Oh, yeah, man.

- That was my favorite restaurant.

- Dude, it was mine too.

But you heard what happened, right?

- Yeah, I heard.

- Yeah, it was crazy.

That dude ate a whole severed penis.

- I didn't eat a severed...he didn't eat a severed penis.

That's not what happened.

- That's not what I heard

'cause I heard he ate a whole severed penis.

- No, man, you're misinformed.

It didn't happen that way.

He didn't...he didn't...it didn't happen, so.

- Did you see the rap video, though?

- Rap video?

- Come on.

You're telling me, you did not see "Penis in My Chinese Food"?

- "Penis in My Chinese Food"?

- Man, I can't let you leave without seeing this video.

Dude, this is funny.

- There's a penis in my Chinese food.

- You put the penis in my Chinese food.

You put the penis in my Chinese food.

Oh shit, that ain't good!

- You put the penis in my Chinese food!

I was hungry so I made an order...

- That's stupid, man.

That's some lowbrow stupid shit.

- No, this is funny, man. - That's not funny.

- This is real comedy.

- It's the reason why the culture that we have

is in the shitter, because of stuff like this.

You laughing at it enables insipid culture.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Yo, dude. It's just a video.

Lighten the fuck up.

- Who's that?

- I ordered Chinese food.

Keep the change.

- Thanks.

- Should I just throw this cheese out?

- Just leave it on the counter.

Kate's parents might be hungry.

- Ok, sure. - Thanks.

- That's such a nice picture of you two.

- Yeah.

- You two were always smiling.

You looked so happy.

- We weren't.

But, then, who really is?

- I'm not.

- I didn't think I could feel any emptier.

- I feel exactly the same way.

- Is this where we're supposed to kiss?

- Do you want to?

- I'm not sure.

- What do you want, Les? - Another blowjob?

[jazz music plays]

♪♪

- How's it going, man?

- Good.

- Do you mind if I sit down?

- Go for it.

- Thanks.

I know it was you.

[laughing]

- You got me.

- I'm not a good person.

- Yeah, but you've got a nice cock.

- I guess that's all that matters.

- So, you got my name and information

from my credit card, obviously.

- Yep.

- How about the body parts? Where did you get those?

- I got this buddy up in Saskatchewan

who works in a morgue.

Sometimes they get bodies they can't identify, so.

He owed me a favor.

I had him send me a cooler of parts.

- He didn't ask you why you needed the body parts?

- Not really.

I just told him I was working on an art project

about suicide bombers.

- That's interesting.

Are you an artist?

- Not anymore.

[jazz music continues]

♪♪

[doorbell rings]

- That'll be Kate's parents.

I have to go pretend that I care about them.

- It'll be okay.

[crying]

- Then again, maybe it won't.

- All right, what about the cops?

How did you handle that?

- That was easy. I just told them I didn't do it.

- Really?

- Yeah, they were in a hurry to do something.

They wanted to go to a café to get cupcakes,

or something?

- Fucking cupcakes?

- Yeah, what's that all about?

- All right, what about the tomato sauce?

- Tomato sauce?

- Yeah, you put tomato sauce on the body parts?

- Oh yeah.

- Why did you do that?

- Dramatic effect. I wanted to scare you.

- Look, body parts alone are scary, okay?

You didn't need the tomato sauce, you know.

- When I looked at it,

it felt like it needed something a little extra, you know?

- Why didn't you use fake blood?

- Okay, so my grandma is really into making this marinara sauce

that's an old family recipe.

She makes jars and jars of it and sends it to me all the time

and I love the stuff,

but I can't eat it because it gives me heart burn

- and I can't bring myself to throw it away. - I got it.

- I don't like to waste. - I understand.

- Listen, can I ask you a question?

- Sure.

- After all these years...it happened such a long time ago.

Why did you do it now?

- Did you ever lose something you really love?

- No.

- All right. Well, I'll tell you...

- Actually, I just lost a friend.

We buried her today. My God.

She died a couple of days ago.

I liked her. I loved her.

We were friends.

But my wife...I love her.

If anything happened to her, I don't know what I'd do.

- I loved the saxophone, Ron.

- I know, man.

Look, I'm sorry, but you can still play, can't you?

Remember that one-armed drummer from that band in the eighties

no one listens to anymore?

Remember that guy? He got in a car accident.

- Def Leppard is not Charlie Parker, dude.

- That's a totally different thing. - I know, I know, okay.

- Look man, I can't go the rest of my life

inspecting my food.

I can't be terrified every time I open my mail.

You know, I need some kind of assurance that we're cool.

- We're cool. We're cool.

I'm out of body parts, anyway.

- Really? - Yeah.

- So, a finger, a foot, and a penis.

That's all your friend sent you?

- Finger, foot and penis. Yeah.

- Okay.

- That thing with the Chinese restaurant and the penis.

That video was all over the internet, man.

It went viral.

- It's not funny, man. It's not funny.

That restaurant went out of business.

- Oh, well. I didn't want that to happen.

- Well, I knew the guy.

He was a really nice guy and he had a family.

- Well, I'd take that back.

- If I could take it back, I would.

I would take it back.

- Well, if I could go back twenty years ago,

I would have never gone to that frat party,

that's for sure.

- It's good to have closure.

- There's no such thing as closure, Ron.

- None of us are saints.

None of us are perfect. we're fallible.

we're vulnerable.

And ultimately, we are responsible for our actions.

The choices we make, the things we do,

and yes, the words we say, they all have an effect,

for better or worse.

I'm aware of this.

For every person I inspire, there's someone else I piss off.

For every innocent life lost, there's a thousand saved.

Flowers grow, flowers die.

The earth spins itself round and round.

None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow.

Maybe it's not that simple.

Maybe it is. I don't have the answers.

I'm just one man talking into a microphone.

- I fucked Les.

- Anyway, it is Tuesday night and you know what that means.

I want to hear the worst thing you've ever done.

If you're brave enough to share your story,

please, give me a call.

Phil, you're on the air.

Worst thing you've ever done?

- I haven't done my worst thing yet.

- Well, everyone's done their worst.

Even if it's a white lie, it's still something.

- I'm going to do my worst thing soon.

- Oh yeah. What's that going to be?

- I'm going to kill you.

- Oh.

Is that right?

- You deserve to die.

- Why's that?

- You're an asshole.

- I'm assuming you're the guy sending me animal parts

in the mail?

Hello?

- You will die tonight.

- All right.

- Can we get a trace on this call?

[dramatic music plays]

♪♪

- Hi. - Hey.

- Smells good.

- Yeah, it's a new recipe.

- Awesome.

I want to smell. Let me smell that.

- Ooh. Hi. - Hi.

- Hey, you've got a package.

- I do?

- It's from Ron.

- Really?

- How's he doing, by the way?

- Don't ask.

[screaming]

- Jesus!

- Mr. Welz. Are you all right?

- I'm good, Christopher. Thanks for asking.

- How are you?

- I'm fine.

- Did you miss me?

Did any of you all miss me?

Nobody loves Mr. Welz anymore.

- What happened?

- I appreciate you asking

but I really don't want to get into it.

Do we have something to do?

What are we supposed to be doing today?

Isn't...something...something...

- Well, our papers on Alternative Approaches to War

were due today.

[students moan and complain]

They were due.

- "Alternative Approaches to War." That's right.

Yeah. Okay.

Does anyone want to read their paper?

Kimberly. Of course you do.

Kimberly, with all the answers.

Well, you don't have all the answers.

Put your hand down. You don't have any answers.

Nobody has any answers, okay.

There's no, there's no, there's no...

Rain, I want to hear your paper, actually.

Come up here and enlighten us with your

alternative approaches to war.

I'm really curious as to what you think about all this,

you know?

Because I've learned something, I think.

Which is right, it is all bullshit.

You were trying to say that all along

and I think I agree with you.

Because we are just destined to repeat the mistakes of the past,

you know?

The Byzantine Empire, The Roman Empire,

The Ottoman Empire, they all fell

and our empire's going to fall too.

One day, it's going to collapse, boom,

just like those towers.

Although they built another one in its place,

there's still going to be something missing, you know.

Face it.

We're pretty much fucked!

Anyway, Rain. Please, read your paper.

Everyone's listening.

[jazz music playing]

♪♪