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I used to call myself a
filmmaker,

a documentary filmmaker.

Although my films
touched on broad issues

like nuclear weapons
proliferation
or big tobacco.

What was central
to my films was always

what was happening in my own
life,

often involving my family.

And you, Adrian,
were a big part of that.

Can you cut a piece for me,
Dada?

Most of the time when I was
filming scenes like this one,

I didn't really have a purpose
in mind.

But I always did
imagine that someday,

I'd watch some of them with you.

Say, when you were in
your mid-thirties

and had kids of your own.

You ready?

Yes.

You made the little trap
yourself.

You once said
it was like flying a kite

except it was underwater.

Whoa!

How many did we get?

That is a big one.

That's the biggest one
we ever caught.

I think so, it’s huge.

Do you think we should
let some crayfish go?

Yeah, I think we should.

Because this big one
might be really angry.

He might be, Adrian.

I filmed you spontaneously,
randomly,

just a few minutes every month
or so

as you were growing up.

But as the years went by,

it added up to quite a bit of
footage.

I got something!
I definitely got something.

Great!

I can probably use that for
bait, Dada.

Maybe.

Hey, it's a little one.

Why do you think
you like fishing so much?

I don’t know, I just love...

the deep surprise of the ocean.

You never know what you'll
catch.

Adolescent.

And adolescence is going
through...

An adolescent
is going through adolescence.

That's exactly right.

Which is the...

Yeah, that's good?

Yeah, that's good.
Yeah, that's good?

Now, as I look back over
that footage from those years,

I found a partial record of what
was happening in our lives then.

What you were up to, and

what I was up to

and how we were both moving
closer

to the day that you would die.

I look at this footage
both to convince myself

that you were alive,

but also, to convince myself
that you're gone.

It's been seven years since you
died.

And I still miss you every day.

This is Adrian with his mom,
Marilyn.

In the film, I called “In
Paraguay.”

“In Paraguay” touches on
various subjects,

like the devastation caused by
a series of disastrous wars

initiated by Paraguayan
dictators.

But it mostly dealt with the
complexities of foreign adoption

We were in Paraguay to
adopt our daughter, Mariah.

We need some more dirt.

I mean more...

More bricks.

We ended up being
stuck in limbo in Paraguay

for three months during
the adoption process.

And I found my camera
gravitating
more and more towards my son.

This is a restaurant house.

There's even a bed.

One minute.

What would you like to eat?

Do you have any patatas fritas?

Sit down and go over there.

I will be there in a second.

Serve yourself salad, please.

Serve yourself salad.

Mmm, tasty.

Even then, I could see
that this was, for me,

a kind of golden period
of family life and of filming.

Boy, that was good.

Mom, it takes a while to eat
that!

I gulped it. I'm sorry,
I was starving.

I was a pig, eating a pig.

Hey waiter,
my steak is as hard as a rock!

No, it isn't.

I was in love with my wife,
in love with my kids,

and in love with the pleasure
and practice of filming

moments in life that unfolded
before the camera.

“In Paraguay” premiered at
the Venice Film Festival.

Venice was a great way
to premiere the film.

But as it turned out,

further screenings
were postponed indefinitely

until my wife and I
could come to terms

with putting another chapter
of our family life in public.

It had already taken me years
to finish “In Paraguay”

And as the years went by,

things at home became
more and more strained.

Marilyn had made it clear that
she
preferred not to be filmed
anymore.

And with the kids now in their
teens,

that seemed to be more or less
the feeling around the house.

Mariah?

Please may I touch it?

Wait a second, honey.

Tell me what you did.

I did pee-pee.

Did you really?

Yes
Did you really?

Upstairs?

Yes
Upstairs?

Let me touch it.

Over there?

You can touch it here.

What do you see?

Rainbow.

Rainbow?
Rainbow.

Mariah?

What page are you on, sweetheart?

I have to go find out.

Somehow, the so-called golden
period
of filming moments from my
family life

seemed to be coming to an end.

Adrian, I asked you to keep the
sound down until I finished
filming.

It is down.

Don't film me right now.

Dada,

I'm going to make something
for you as a present.

Oh, good.

It's called a "Cooking TV".

What's a Cooking TV?

It’s the good kind of TV,

not the bad kind
that makes you stupid.

It's the good kind.

Where do you see the image on
it?

Well, the image
is on the paper right here,

But it's sort of like a puppet
show.

And I go behind it and then I
talk.

Then the story comes through.

But I have to write something
on there at the end.

I love you, Dada.

I love you too, honey.

You're so cute, Dada.

Is that going to come on the
film?

Probably
Is that going to come on the
film?

Why do you say probably?

Whether I edit it out or not.

What?
Whether I edit it out or not.

It depends on whether I edit it
out,
cut it out of the film.

I want you to keep it on.

Okay, I'll keep it on.

Okay!

In nearly all my films, my
family life
had been the lens through which

I’ve tried to make sense of
the world around me.

In fact, my mother's
favorite expression was

everything begins and ends
with family.

But although my kids
had loved being filmed

and I had loved filming them,

they’d apparently had enough.

I wasn't sure where to go from
here.

Until I got a phone call.

I have to be quiet though

because my father's asleep
upstairs.

You know, I think he already
has enough questions

about the validity
of my film project without...

seeing me dressed up like this,

talking to my own camera.

Hi Sis.

Hi!
Hi Sis.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he's way back there.

The call was from
a Hollywood producer

who was interested in trying
to remake one of my
documentaries

as a fiction film.

I made “Sherman's March”
back in my mid-thirties,

when I was still single
and my family and friends

were starting to become
concerned
about my singleness.

Hello, Dede.

Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

Glad to meet you, too.
Hi, I'm glad to meet you.

Charleen has to say the least
said a lot about you.

Oh, and about you.

Would you stop? Would you stop?

Don't touch that lens.

I can't help but touch it.
Turn it off!

This is important.
This is not art, this is life!

Alright.

“Sherman's March” was the film
where
I found my footing as a
filmmaker

by making the decision to film
things
that were happening in my own
life.

I come from a family of doctors.

Grandfather, father and brother.

And at first, my way of making
films
seemed a little strange to them.

I’ll be glad when that big eye
is gone.

But eventually, they got used to
it.

Making “Sherman's March”
had been an adventure,

a road movie, in which I didn't
know
where the road would lead.

But I did manage to meet
a few women along the way.

Now that there was an offer
to remake “Sherman's March,”

I felt somewhat protective of my
film.

I decided to talk it over
with my sort of trusted
advisors,

my brother and sister.

I think it's a wonderful movie,

and I think it deserved
to be on the big screen.

It was on the big screen...

Bigger screen.

Can a movie bomb twice?
Bigger screen.

Tommy, be nice!

I think it's a very bad idea.

Really?

You really think that?

Depends on--

on what he does with it?

Well, that's my concern, too.

Can he make a good film?

But if you have some
kind of control on that

and they say you're going
to be one of the producers,

then maybe it'll work.

Yes, that's a very intelligent
thing
my brother just said.

Well, I'm a doctor.

He's a doctor...

What do you expect?
He's a doctor...

I'm an animal activist.

I train the wild beast!

Yes, I work with animals.

So how are you going
to control this guy?

So I won't be reading the
New York Times Friday movie
review

saying, “Ross McElwee
sold his soul.”

One star.

One star and a half...

Maybe.
One star and a half...

Well, they'll let me have some
input.

They want my input
in constructing the script.

Well, that sounds good.

Yeah, I don't really think
they have a clear idea

as to how they’re gonna do it?

I do think if you decide not to
do it,

then you'll always
second-guess yourself.

Well, I'm taking the first step.

What?

I'm taking the first step
we’ll see what happens...

I think that's a good idea.

I went to Los Angeles.

A meeting had been set up
for me to talk with Steve Carr,

the director of a string of
commercially successful
comedies.

When did you first see
“Sherman's March?”

The first time it played on PBS
I was living in New York,

and it played on channel
thirteen,
which is a New York affiliate
for PBS.

Sure.

And I guess I was waiting for

Monty Python's Flying Circus
to come on,

and I stumbled onto it.

And I remember my mom
was watching it, too.

I caught it at the very
beginning

and it just unfolded for me.

You think any of it really has
anything to do with your
lifestyle?

The way you dress, the way you
live?

And it was a world I hadn't seen

the characters just seem to
one on top of the next

become more and
more interesting to me.

And then as I got caught up
in your likability and the
journey.

On February 16th, 1865

Sherman's troops massed here
on the banks of the Congaree
River.

I got the opportunity to
see it quite a few times.

And then it always just
stuck with me and I always loved
it

and didn't see it for years and
years

but always remember it and
would talk about it with
friends.

Then when Jason and I got
together,

I've always had this idea
about the movie

that I thought this could be,

and it always included every bit
of the documentary that I've
seen

and that I cherish.

And now the experience
I have of actual filmmaking

and how to tell the story
of a film being made.

I am bored with your singleness.

Well, I've made attempts
at correcting this situation.

Yeah, well, you see, that's the
other thing that's boring, failure.

It is time to get on it.

You have been insufficient
in this quest

and so I have to take over.

I have to.

See now Charleen wants
Amy Adams to play her.

Yeah, she's great.

She's actually on our list.

Is she really?

Yeah.
Is she really?

She’s actually on our list
for...

She’s on almost every one of our
lists.

Yeah, yeah
She’s on almost every one of our
lists.

She’s great.

Oh my God, the best.

My son, Adrian, wanted me to
give
Steve and his team a crack

at turning my old film
into a work of fiction.

It was kind of a running joke
between us.

He'd say,

“I like your documentaries, Dad,
but it's time to make a real
movie.”

He was becoming
more and more interested in

filmmaking as a possible career.

And it did occur to me that
maybe

the remake of “Sherman’s March”
might also open a door for him

to enter the world
of what he called “real movies.”

Does it look okay
through the viewfinder?

It is what it is, Dad.

Is what it is...

It's a still shot
that you picked out yourself.

I finally agreed to sell the
rights to “Sherman's March.”

And in turn, I secured the
rights
to make a new documentary

about the fictional remake
of my old documentary.

I asked Adrian if he'd like to
film
his dad signing the contract.

I'm saying that,

I'm surprised you don’t at least
want a slow zoom or something.

Go ahead and do a slow zoom.

Well, let me sign this,
and then you can do a slow zoom.

It's boring to have it running,
that's the kind of shots you can
get

when you’re filming yourself.

The point of having a cameraman,
is you can actually get--

a more interesting shot.

Okay, take the camera off the
tripod
and get a more interesting--

I don't want to take it off the
tripod.

Well, move the tripod.
I don't want to take it off the
tripod.

Well, move the tripod.
Alright.

That is so peculiar.

I can't believe it. It's so
peculiar.

The irony of “Sherman's March”
being undertaken by somebody
else.

Who is it that made that
decision?

And how can we escape him?

No, I don't want to escape him.
I want him to succeed.

I think, you know, if he can
make a really good independent

fiction film from “Sherman's
March,”

I'd be elated.

I just don't quite know
how it can be done.

I mean, I'm saying
that I can't be replaced

neither can you.

And it'll be hilarious
for us to see people try.

Charleen Swansea
is one of my oldest friends

I met her in high school when
she was teaching a poetry
workshop.

You know, I learned a lesson
from the Ezra Pound debacle,

which is that it didn't fucking
matter.

I mean, it didn't matter
what Ezra Pound thought.

Charleen has been there
for many of the important
moments

in my family life.

Adrian, hi darling!

This baby has got some--

This is such a smart baby!

He’s been around a camera a bit.

That’s not what makes him smart,

being around a camera
makes you stupid!

This is a smart baby.

So, I'll come in on August the
eighth
and if I'm not going to come in

it would be because I'm
on so much medication

that it's really hard
for me to think ahead.

And I hate to do the tests
that you're going to do on
memory

when I can't remember my name,

let alone some questions that
you would be asking me.

They're testing...

Old people

about how

accurate their memories are.

But it's part of a scientific,
data-driven study.

It’s a long... It even has a
name.

I can't remember the name of it

because I didn't care.

And that's how you remember
something you care about it
usually.

Anyway.

What did you ask me?

How is your memory, Charleen?
Speaking of memory.

I don't know it's too
complicated,
it's like a beehive.

But do you find that your

short-term memory is holding
together okay as you get older?

No, of course not.

Oh, boy.
No, of course not.

I can remember
odd pieces of stories

and things about

things I remember about you.

They just pop up.

I don't know
that's how memory is, it just

it surprises me.

You filming?

Is it filming?

Yes.
Is it filming?

Bravo, Bravo!

Bravo, Bravo!

Looking at this now,
you seem as alive as ever...

in a kind of half-life
that now represents you.

I mean, you're alive
here in this footage,

but you're no longer
alive in the real world.

Where's your favorite place
that we've been to Adrian?

What about Munich?

Well, that was nice.

We were only there for one day.

I was?

Munich Film Festival?

That's right, remember?

And that's the place where
the film had a problem.

That's right.

It got all confused because they
put
the wrong numbers on the
leaders.

What happens when you do that?

Well, people can't tell
which reel comes first.

Because what if you put a two
here
and you put a one at the end.

That's what happened.

And it took them a long time
to get the leader straightened
up.

The story I thought I was
telling with my filmmaking,

the story of lives lived over
decades.

Is now disjointed.

Confused.

The reels are all out of order.

First, there is a father,

and he has a son, me.

But then it starts all over.

I am now the father.
And I have a son, you.

But something goes awry,
something goes off script.

And then suddenly you're gone.

Did you like the wedding scene?

Yeah, I love that part.

That's your favorite part?

I love when you get married
That's your favorite part?

with Mama.

You think you might want
to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama.

Only with Mama or Dada?

Mama and Dada.

Only Mama and Dada.

So yes, you're gone.

Except you're not gone.

Not entirely.

Because I still have all these

moments with you I captured on
film.

Adrian,

I know you think that I should
be
working for a Hollywood
production.

You can though, that's why--

I don't understand it.

It's like Steve Carr does,

he works on
the moneymakers first.

Then he has time
to do whatever he likes.

Doesn't have to worry about
money.

So you want me to be
more like Steve Carr?

Adrian, I'm trying to do films
my way.

Yeah, but--

No one always gets their way

just like you said to me,

you can't, you know...

you can't just start at the top.

You might have to be
someone's coffee bitch for a
while.

Or file paperwork or run
little errands in a trailer.

For a couple of years before
you even do anything meaningful.

And so plenty of people
do stuff like that.

So I don't see
why you're above that.

But I've done that.
That's how I began my career.

And you've been
successful but I'm saying,

why not just do some
blockbuster hits here?

Oh, Adrian, it's not as if I
can just opt to do a famous--

You’ve been offered to do
commercials for Jaguar

and you turned them down.

Well, that was years ago,
Adrian.
and you turned them down.

Why would you turn
something like that down?

It just doesn't make sense to
me.

Because I didn't want
to do TV commercials.

But it's not always about
what you want to do.

You're blessed, it's such a
spoiled attitude to have.

Had to get that out of the way.

Ow, fuck!

I told you that was my worst
fall.

Yeah, good job Adrian.

I'm done.

I almost hit you in the face.

I'm going to do something big,
and it's not going to be...

It's not going to be from a
degree.

I'm not going to graduate
with a degree in English or film

and do this and that.

I would love to work for HBO,
for example, or an internship
for...

Steve Carr and get involved
in that project heavily, and
then

maybe they really like me
and they move up one position
more

and then one position more.

You know, that's how it
happens I understand that.

But on my own, I think it's
going to be through a book

I've been trying to write.

It's based on my life, my
experiences,

and I've had a lot
of ridiculous experiences.

And weren’t you working on a
screenplay based on the novel?

Yeah.

But then again, I also...

I came up with this company,
None Higher, Nonehigher.com

It's up, check it out.

Right now, it's just
basically a music blog.

But my ultimate goal is
to have a line of T-shirts.

Once again, another thing
I'm procrastinating.

At the time, Adrian was pursuing
multiple projects in multiple
fields,

but almost all of them seem to
connect back to filmmaking.

What?

Hi.

Hey

Can I watch you?

Yeah, sure.

What?

How old did you say you are?

Me?

Eight years old.

Yeah, my sister’s nine.

She is? I’m turning nine.

Really?

Yeah.

So you’re in first grade?

What?

You’re in first grade then?

No!

I mean, second!

Third?

Oh!

You gotta be careful.

I know. Okay.

I can’t really do it but,
you just go like--

When I have all my protection
stuff,

You go like this, like this--

Yeah

Like that, like that.
Yeah

And then I can turn it around
like that.

That’s pretty sick.

Yeah.

Like that.

Oh, sorry.

It’s okay.

Two, Three.

Alright, cut.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

The people producing the
“Sherman's March” remake

asked me to record narration
they had written for a sample
reel.

It would be composed of actual
shots from “Sherman's March.”

They've already set me up on
dates
with a few nice women,

and I've been looking
at some of my--

Take two

They've already set me up on
dates
with a few nice women,

and I've been looking up some
of my ex-girlfriends as well.

I'm holding out hope
that romantic love is still
possible

here in the modern South.

A few weeks later,

they sent me
the finished sample reel.

So I went back home,

back to the south.

Leave us alone.

You better leave us alone.

The fiction film as you know of
it...

Steve and his team in Los
Angeles
had struck a deal with

a well-known cable
television network.

Rather than a feature film,
the idea would now be to adapt

“Sherman's March” into a
dramatic television series.

Oh well, TV would be fine.

Gosh, I don't know
where it stands right now.

It started off as a narrative
feature.

It then morphed into a series.

Right, the AMC TV show.

That's right.
Right, the AMC TV show.

With Steve directing the
pilot...

I was beginning to have my
doubts
about the whole project.

I needed to be back in
the world I had filmed.

To remind myself that
my friends were real people

living real lives,
not actors following a script.

Does it look the same?

Oh, I see it. Oh, neat!

As Steve and the network
began talking to writers,

I decided to go back
to North Carolina.

I had learned that my friend,
Philip Osborne,

who had appeared in
“Sherman's March,” had died.

Tension that up?

Yeah
Tension that up?

Now put it back on there
and see what happens.

I bet you it’ll work just great.

Yeah
I bet you it’ll work just great.

Philip's son, Phil Jr.,

had taken over the family
business.

Philip?

Good to see you,
how you been doing Ross?

I'm okay Philip.

Great, great.

Great to see you, man.

Good to see you.
Great to see you, man.

How about that?

There’s a fella here in town
that owns this one now.

You never wanted to
drive one around yourself?

I do have some old British cars.

I have an old Bentley
that I drive, so I enjoy it.

You drive a Bentley?

Yeah, I have a 1952 Bentley Mark
VI.

You're doing pretty well.

Well actually,
it was my father's car
originally

and I inherited it.

We lost him in October 2010.

And he said that
he was very content.

He was happy with the life
he had lived.

When we come in here,
we say he still lives because

Of the things we’ve done
together,

the things we used to do,

and the things we have
a lot of great memories of

That’s right

Do you remember
taking off my steering wheel?

Well you know, that was
one of the safety features

as they used to say for
keeping your car there.

See you take your
steering wheel off with you.

You take it off with you and
go anywhere you want to go.

Take it on in the house.

That's right.

That way, nobody can steal
your car.
That's right.

Philip does a lot of work now
himself.

Oh yeah, I saw him.
Philip does a lot of work now
himself.

You only have one son, right?

Right
You only have one son, right?

One son and one daughter.

That's such a shame
about your daughter.

Yeah, it was something...

Sorry to hear about that.

But that's just one of those
things
that happen though.

Yeah, I think about that girl,
I miss her too.

I really do.

How did she die, Philip?

She had cancer.

Cancer?

That’s bad, bad.

Your mother had cancer, too?

Yeah, she had cancer also.
Your mother had cancer, too?

Yeah.

My mother always encouraged

my hopes of becoming
some kind of an artist.

But she died when she was young,

long before I became a
filmmaker.

I went to visit my family's
burial plot in Charlotte,

but discovered that my mother's
headstone had mysteriously
disappeared.

Oh, there it is.

And obviously, this one
has been quite a while.

You’re spinning very slowly,

but you're not gaining any
ground.

This hippie lifestyle just
has...

Not a hippie lifestyle!
This hippie lifestyle just
has...

It is a hippie lifestyle.

In New York and Boston,
you can get on the subway

and ride to the beach, you know.

And here you have to drive
through five miles of miserable,

swampy, muddy road to
be attacked by mosquitoes

and you get stuck in the
mud for all your trouble

and then you have to walk back.

And you never get to the
beach.
and then you have to walk back.

While down South,
I visited another friend

who had appeared
in “Sherman's March,”

Wini Wood.

When we were making
“Sherman's March,”

a lot of random moments

got filmed, you know,
from your life here.

And those exist now in a film.

What do they seem like
to you now, 30 years later?

Well,

now, it's odd that the film

is a kind of memory archive for
me.

Yeah.
is a kind of memory archive for
me.

It's you know, I remember
what it felt like being at
Genesis

and I remember,

a lot of things I did.

But for me now, looking at the
film,

it’s how those memories become,

I mean, they're really
activated.

When I watch me milking a cow,

I can feel the sensation
of the cow’s utter

I can feel what it’s like to
touch and smell a cow.

So it really activates memories.

It functions as memory.

And I can see this as you're
making your other films,

as you're getting older and
trying to retrieve those
memories.

Because we become more
acutely interested in memory

as we get older, I guess.

You know, memory is also partly
about
connecting the past to the
present.

What is this?

This some war trash, honey.

I'm trying to remember what
you said that irked me so

because it is so absolutely,
totally
the wrong thing to say to a
woman.

I don't remember
making movies together.

Really?

I really don't.

What movies would we have?

Well, I made a movie
called “Sherman's March.”

You were in it, and you were
great

in your role in that film.

People loved it.

I don't remember the--

I don't remember it.

Really?
I don't remember it.

You don't remember when
you went with me to

a military bunker near your
house?

I mean, what you say to
a woman is not self-effacing.

I mean, that's not it,
that's not even interesting let
alone--

I never met her before.

I don't care, Ross!
I never met her before.

I'm trying to tell you.

Postpone a vacation
I'm trying to tell you.

because I was coming into town.

That's absurd.

Ross, that's what's wrong with
you.

What she wants to hear
what all women want to hear,

what children want to hear,

you've got to be more
passionate, Ross.

Now, if you had said to Dede,
please postpone...

You talk about a passion
being necessary

to have a meaningful life.

I don't care, Ross!

I'm telling you...

It's a scene that resonates,

and I think people have really
appreciated it over the years.

You don't remember that?

Not anything about that.

What I remember about
you and I together is not that.

It’s um...

I feel like I can make you
laugh.

This place is like a tomb.

No it's not, it’s like pubic
hair,
part the bushes!

Go into the place!

Go with it, Ross. It's not like
a tomb.
That's the trouble with you.

You don't know the difference
between sex and death!

Sex and death?

Sex and death!
Sex and death?

This is life!

You can't even tell it
when it sits on your face.

You can't tell which it is.

And you also make
viewers, audiences laugh.

And you used to make us
laugh in the classroom.

Classroom? What classroom?

Fred, stand here with me.

I want you to be my lover for a
minute.

I want y’all to imagine that...

You were a teacher, you taught
poetry.

To high school students.

To what?

You taught poetry.

You want to say what you feel

so the people know it
and give it back to you.

Okay, I got to say what I feel
to this man, I’m in love with
him

because I got to make him
love me back.

Now I can talk to him
one of two ways.

Fred,

look at me.

I love you, Fred.

Do you remember
the Poetry in the Schools
program?

That's how I first met you.

I don't know,
but things just disappear.

They just disappear.

Charleen.

One day, Adrian told his
parents,
Ross and Marilyn

that he wanted a baby sister
to play with him at the beach.

It was me?

Yes.

Then one day,
they heard that in a country far
away,

called Paraguay...

When my wife and I
decided to separate,

I moved into a sublet
not too far away from the house.

A trial separation

is what the court called it.

My son was in Vermont,
attending college.

His sister stayed at home
with her mom.

And suddenly I was living alone.

My wife and I worried
about the effect

the separation would
have on our children,

but we didn't worry
enough about it

to prevent the separation
from happening.

And then suddenly,
my son was back in Boston,

living with me.

In Vermont, he'd ended up
in a hospital emergency room.

He'd gone to a party and
overdosed
on vodka and the drug ecstasy.

His mother and I
had rushed to Burlington.

We'd been through this before.

Adrian had had flare-ups
with alcohol and drugs,

binge drinking, being expelled
from
high school for marijuana
possession.

We’d sent him to a
wilderness program in Utah

for kids with substance abuse
issues.

And we found therapists and
psychiatrists to try to help
him.

But whenever we thought things
were maybe getting a little
better,

a new crisis would happen.

Adrian, I’m totally supportive
of
you writing, editing, and
filming--

I believe between
the internet, filming, writing

and creating a clothing brand,

I would be very well off,
I'd be happy with my life.

Right, but you're undermining
yourself
by all of this other behavior.

Like what happened last night,
you know,
why do you do those kinds of
things?

Why?

Because I just...
Why?

I don’t know

You're going to hurt yourself
drinking and--

I didn’t drink anything last
night.

Well not last night, but...

You did something
with some drugs last night

and you know,
you could really hurt yourself.

Well,

it’s always a risk

so is skiing, so it driving...

It's not like I'm shooting up
heroin.

No, I'm thankful for that at
least.

Go work on your resumes
and get them in.

I'll go get some ice coffee.

Can you give me a Venti
or whatever it is? The largest
one.

Yeah.

Can you get double espresso
shots?

Yeah.

Just want some caffeine, okay?

Okay.

Go cut your toenails at some
point.

I was worried about my son's
risky
behavior with drugs and alcohol.

But suddenly, there were issues
of my own to deal with.

After your MRI,
the radiologist called me and
said.

I'm calling you about,
Mr. McElwee, your patient.

He goes,
“Wow, is he having any
symptoms?”

He's not having headaches,
he's had no neurologic symptoms.

I said, no, I was just looking
for

pressure.

See, this is what I'm looking at

is putting pressure on his brain

has kind of collapsed
part of the ventricle.

But you can see it here.
You can see how huge it is.

It's a very important part
of the brain that there could be

neurologic consequences as well.

I mean, it's your brain.

Chances are I'm going to survive
it.

That seems.

Almost certainly,
you're not going to die.

We basically go down the
midline.

To the tumor in that little
opening
that I mentioned to you,

and then literally take the pulp
out
of the tumor and then

bring in the “rind” of the
tumor,
if you will,

so that we get all the tumor
out.

But then we put that dura,
the covering back, stitch it
back.

And then we put the bone back in
with little metal plates and
screws,

and then we put the skin and
scalp back on, and stitch that
back up,

let you heal.

So tell me, Ross,
in your darkest hours

what do you worry about?

Well,

I do worry about something
freakish happening.

And me dying.

And Adrian

having not straightened himself
out.

Right.

I worry a lot about that.

Adrian remains a question mark.

I think he'll be fine, ultimately.

But I don't want to leave
him now, I really don't.

Right.

I mean, a lot of people
would look at this,

this nice

construction that this
neighbor of mine is making

and just think of it as a flower
box.

I mean, after all,
Spring is coming and

the flowers will still
be in bloom, and,

but I look at it with my surgery
two days away and I think,

it's a coffin.

It's a box.
A coffin for a human being.

But for God's sake,
this is all morbid.

There's a 95% chance of success
with this operation.

So why do I dwell on the 5%?
Why?

I think it's because
there's a 5% chance

I won't see my daughter again.

Mariah continues to be such a
joy,
such a sweetheart, and

I would really miss her.

And the 5% chance
that I won't see my son.

It's been difficult
the last two years with Adrian.

He's twenty-one,
he's got all kinds of problems.

But the kid also has
tremendous skills

and abilities and eventually
he'll figure himself out.

So all of that is figuring into
this very complex equation now

as I think about
the next forty-eight hours.

A week after my surgery,

Adrian smuggled a small video
camera into my hospital room.

He said he thought it
would help me recover faster.

I remember being thrilled
to be filming again.

I mean, you'll never know what
you'll get.

The deep surprise of the food
tray...

It meant a lot to me that he
would bring me the camera,

and also that he took charge
of sending out bulletins

to family and friends

to let them know of
my recovery progress.

I was finally allowed
to come home from the hospital.

My wife and I put the divorce on
hold.

During my rehab, I’d learned
that Adrian’s psychiatrist

had diagnosed him
with bipolar disorder

and had prescribed lithium to
treat it.

Adrian reluctantly agreed to
go along with the treatment.

A month after my return
from the hospital,

my wife and I decided to
proceed with the divorce.

After twenty-four years of
marriage,
suffice it to say,

the breakup was very painful.

And once again, we were both
worried
about the effect on our kids,

but not worried enough
to avoid divorce.

We sold the house and began
packing.

Adrian, what are you?

A squid.

Until the movers took away
the TV console,

I'd forgotten that years ago,
we placed a mousetrap behind it.

A few months later,
I had to go to Prague to screen

a retrospective of my films.

A prospect I wasn't looking
forward to

given everything that
was happening back home.

The projectionist was
preoccupied.

I slipped into the projection
booth.

A scene from my wedding
ceremony happened to be playing.

For richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health.

For richer, for poorer.

In sickness and in health.

To love and to cherish forever.

To love and to cherish
forever.
To love and to cherish forever.

I remember feeling
like stopping the projection,

going into the theater and
making an announcement.

We did not stay together
until death do us part.

We're headed for divorce.

This film might have been shot
as a documentary, but now it's
fiction.

You think you might want
to get married someday?

With you, Dada and Mama

Only Mama and Dada.

This was very easy to make.

How long did it take you to make
it?

Few days.

And how did you know
what God looked like?

Well, I don't really know.

But this reminds me of God.

It reminds me of God.

I think God looks like this.

Do you think that
God’s seen this painting?

Sure.

Well, not inside...

I’ll show her or he out the
window.

Open the window, please.

Right there.

This is a mysterious picture of
God.

Now do you want to go camping?

So I put the camera down
and went camping.

But I remember thinking that God
sort of looked like a movie
camera here.

Some of the footage I shot with
you
as a young child, it's just so
beautiful.

And it’s because I shot it
with film and not with HD.

I agree and I think that

Going back to being younger
and being filmed

The biggest regret I have
is you not putting me in...

some kind of child ads

I was a child star to some
extent, but...

I think we did you a favor
by not trying to make you a
child star.

I think you could’ve made
me a child star pretty easily

I already was, I was like a
D-list,

Z-list

How do you put up with him?

I don't know

I just wonder if you ever think
about

reversing the roles
sometimes a bit more

Well, here.

Got it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

Got it?

I can film.
Got it?

Okay.

Oooh

Don’t drop it.

Where do I need to--

Do you see me?

Yeah!

Okay.

These haven’t been sorted out
yet.

I can’t see them very well.

They’re kind of tiny.

In this camera.

How can I adjust if the
camera’s not working very well?

Well, I think you can
see them if you look.

Just move the camera
until you see my hands

holding the shells...

It’s right in the middle of
them, yeah!

You know what?

What?
You know what?

I think you’re interesting.

Why?
I think you’re interesting.

I’m kind of boring I think.

You’re like the man behind the
camera.
I’m kind of boring I think.

No one gets to see you enough--

Well they do, I get in front
of the camera now and then.

For let's say, about one
percent of your films.

Well, there's a reason for that.

People don't want to see
a film about me.

They want to see a film
about what I see.

But perhaps...

You could change it.

Perhaps I'll change in the
future?

Maybe.

It’s kind of blurry you know
that?

Is it?

Probably the eyepiece
needs to be adjusted.

What?

Why don't we turn it off for
now?

Sure.

All you have to do
is press this little button.

Sure that’s the right one?

Yup, it’s on video right now.

Okay.

You want a three-egg omelet or
two?

Three, please.

So, Adrian.

Yes?

Tell me what you think of your
dad.

I'm taking pretty good care of
you.

You always do but...

this place is not satisfactory.

This is temporary, Adrian.

You complain too much
about temporary housing.

I'm very affected by the
surroundings.

You've been angry at me a lot

about this and that.

But seriously Adrian,

some of the things

that have gone down
over the last couple of years,

have been really...

painful and complicated and

we've made a few mistakes
along the way but--

Just a few?

Huh?

Just a few?
Huh?

Well, a few...

Maybe more than a few but,

you've certainly made
a lot of mistakes too.

And sometimes I don't think
you've been willing to admit
that.

We’ve already had that
discussion.

I’ve been through things that
are
not really comprehendible to
most people.

Like what?

Things I don’t want to talk
about.

I think it may have really
triggered some of the worst,

some of the bad tendencies in
myself...

vices and anxiety.

Well, it was only meant to help
you.

Maybe we made some mistakes.

I think that's putting it
lightly.

Adrian, that’s going to fall.

It's not Dad, I live life on the
edge.

See...

Oh!

It could be worse.

Hi.

It’s me and Mark on
the phone together.

Hey Ross.

You know, here's the thing, I
think
television is so good right
now...

The team in Los Angeles called
again.

The “Sherman's March” television
series was now being reconceived

as a half-hour sitcom.

Almost three years into
development,

I was having even greater
doubts about the project.

What’s more, there wasn't
really anything for me to film

for my making-of documentary.

Just a series of meetings that
they'd rather I did not try to
film.

I found myself shooting random
moments out my window.

But then I was notified that a
proposal
I had submitted for a different
film,

one that had to be shot in
France had been approved.

The film would be called
“Photographic Memory”

How old is this map?

Well, it's got to be...

Thirty, thirty-five years, at
least.

Can you imagine going on a
trip like this someday, Adrian?

Wandering and not really
knowing where you’re going?

Feel like I’ve already done
that.

You have?

Where did you do it?

Places that I don’t really
want to talk about.

Okay...

For the film, I’d be retracing
my
steps when I was my son’s age.

back when I was unsure of
what I wanted to do with my
life.

While back in the US,

my son is trying to figure out
what he wants to do with his
life.

Hello Adrian.

Hi Dad.

Can you see me?

Yeah, I see...

Is that a camera?

There is a camera in the back of
me
and the ocean in front of me.

What do you do
with your days, Adrian?

Sometime after this
conversation,

Adrian decided to taper
off of his lithium prescription.

He said it had caused
him to gain a lot of weight

and made him feel sluggish.

He felt lithium deprived him
of his creativity, his spark.

“Photographic Memory” premiered
at The Venice Film Festival.

And since Adrian has appeared
in the film, he came along.

He showed me at least
a first draft of the film.

It was definitely a surprise at
first.

And if it was not my
father, I probably would

I'm not saying press charges,
but I would definitely...

Oh, come on.

I'm making a joke.

But no, it would be a little bit
different

if it had not had that level of
intimacy.

But I think it's worth
saying that if you had really

objected to any of the footage,
I would have taken it out first.

And he obviously has that
integrity.

Had I said, I really don't
feel comfortable with this,

of course, it would not be in
the film.

A lot of people ask,

“Were you uncomfortable seeing
a lot of these images on the
screen?”

“And projected,
put into the public light?”

The answer is yes.

A lot of it is definitely hard
to see.

In terms of growing up,
even in the past couple of
years.

Also compared to as when
I was a younger child, but...

It...

Even if it’s pretty brutal,

it does help, uh...

Once again, bring back the
entire theme of the film and

help strengthen it.

Plus now you get to go to film
festivals.

Right.
Plus now you get to go to film
festivals.

I’m also very tired.

I want to thank my guests.

Thank you, thank you.

After Venice, we traveled to
other
film festivals together.

As usual, Adrian brought
his camera along.

But I also noticed he was
making notes here and there.

I now wonder what he wrote
on that scrap of paper.

This is something he shot after
I went back to my room for the
night.

It might have been for a
music video he was making

but I'll never know for sure.

Adrian did have a penchant
for music videos.

Especially those which featured
his appearances at film
festivals.

When I eventually came upon this
video

Adrian made at the Venice Film
Festival,

I didn't know exactly how to
take it.

I mean, was a kind of
tongue-in-cheek parody of
himself

as a film festival big shot?

Or does it on some level,

actually represent the life
that he wanted for himself?

Not that there's anything
wrong with that per se,

but for Adrian,
it may have been poison.

I now worry that maybe filming
my son

and then letting him travel
with me to film screenings

somehow contributed
to his destabilization.

Maybe gave him a
distorted sense of reality.

And I’m haunted by the comment
a journalist made about the
film.

saying he felt I was
too tough on my son,

too judgmental.

Why do you do
those kinds of things?

Why?

I just...

I don't know...

You're going to hurt yourself
I don't know...

Drinking and--

I didn’t drink anything last
night.

Well, not last night but...
I didn’t drink anything last
night.

You did something with
some drugs last night and

you know, you could
really hurt yourself.

What the journalist did not know

because I didn’t explore it in
the film

was the seven years of
sporadic hell and suffering

my son had gone through
due to alcohol and drugs

and his psychiatric issues.

“Photographic Memory” offers up
a version of a kid who was
troubled, but

who would eventually be okay.

I now think it was this version,

a fundamentally false version,

that Adrian ended up embracing
as the true version of himself.

Even after the period covered
in “Photographic Memory,”

Adrian continued to have
problems,

including minor run-ins
with the Boston police.

I even let him go.

There’s a dent on my hood, okay?

And maybe the last straw
for Adrian was that during

the manhunt for the culprits of
the
Boston Marathon terrorist
bombing,

FBI agents questioned him
briefly
because someone had sent in

an anonymous tip saying that
Adrian
resembled one of the bombers.

The agents quickly realized that
he
wasn't the man they were looking
for.

But Adrian decided it was
time to get out of Boston.

As he told his friends,

even the FBI has me on their
radar here.

So he took a parcel of internet
domain names he'd accumulated,

and he sold them.

He moved to Colorado
to make a fresh start.

In watching what you'd
film in Colorado,

it was your ski footage
that moved me the most.

I was mesmerized by your shadow
when it floated over the snow.

And when you sneezed,

it was the same sneeze you
made when you were a little kid.

When I saw this footage, it was
suddenly
like being able to inhabit your
body.

I was reminded of how you
loved getting off the main trail

finding your own way down the
slope.

When you were a little boy
and while we were skiing
together,

we'd sometimes stop just
to listen to how quiet it was.

I wonder if that's what
you were doing here.

Shh.

Just listen.

I used to call myself a
filmmaker.

I used to call myself your
father.

I used to call myself a
filmmaker.

I used to call myself your
father.

I used to call myself your
father.

A few years go by,

then I meet Hyun Kim, a
filmmaker
from South Korea.

We fall in love.

She moves in with me.

Early in our relationship,
she asked me not to film her
face.

Did you commit some kind
of crime I don't know about?

No, it's because I don't
look natural on camera.

I just want to have my private
life.

Just because I'm not a performer
type,

I'm an observer.

You will be a mystery woman
in this film.

I love being mysterious.

Even though she won’t let me
film her face,

Hyun is wonderful.

At odd moments, I'm astounded
that we somehow found each
other.

My daughter, Mariah,
is getting to know Hyun.

Or a smaller one.

Well, I think that’s a good
size.

We got pumpkins.

Hyun is making a film about
the effects of the Korean War

on three generations of her
family.

In watching it, I'm struck by
how
similar our filmmaking styles
are.

It’s as if we speak the same
language.

How do you feel?

Well, I’m very happy.

I just wish you would let me
film you the way you film me.

No, you refuse?

Not even for--

Not even for a wedding present?

Do you want to hold hands?

Oh, okay.

Are you ready?

Yes, we are.
Are you ready?

Okay.

Would you turn and face her
and then repeat after me?

I Ross.

I Ross
I Ross.

Take you, Hyun.

Take you, Hyun.
Take you, Hyun.

To be my wife.

To be my wife.
To be my wife.

And I pledge to you.

And I pledge to you.
And I pledge to you.

Justice Lopez's official
title is The Solemnizer.

As if to make official the
solemn
exchange of wedding vows.

My friendship,

My support,

My support,
My support,

It is probably a little strange
to her and not so solemn

That both Hyun and I are
recording this
event with our respective
cameras.

I now pronounce you husband and
wife.

Congratulations.

Congratulations, you're welcome.

Enjoy.

We decided not to invite any
friends or family members.

And so, we're married in the
presence of only Justice Lopez.

And the ghosts of former
city council members.

My daughter drops by to fix
dinner for Hyun and me.

So what do you think is going
to happen to you after leave

the program that you're in now?

I'm going to be working.

I'm going to find a job, work,
and then maybe go to another
college.

We're going to get another dog.

Dad.

Mariah, come on, let’s go.

Hold the other side,
pick the other side up.

Let’s go, we're on a journey.

Okay, we're almost good.

I think this is good...

Mariah is growing up and
seems to be doing well.

My main concern continues
to be for my son,

who’s now been living
in Colorado for two years.

When we talk by phone, he tells
me he's making progress

on getting his media
business up and running.

He says he's been filming
demo reels for ski clients.

He says he misses us.

The last time I visited Adrian,

he seemed to be doing okay.

But I always leave knowing I'm
probably not seeing the whole
picture.

Adrian had told me he’d begun
shooting footage for a
documentary

with and about his friends
and what their lives were like.

We're making our movie,

and right now we're making it by
talking.

Exactly.

No one can help me.

No doctor can help me.

No friend can help me.

Not in the end...
No one can help me except me.

If I can even help me...

You’ll get a kick out of looking
at the book.

They’re thinking of every
part and every possible actor.

I could just be myself but
like...

You know?

You should be your dad,
though.
You know?

That would be pretty epic.

I mean, how could they
not cast you as your dad?

because you’re like the same
age.

I don’t know.
because you’re like the same
age.

It’s because they want like a...

You’d just have to grow a beard.

They want a star who has...

you know, some mainstream-like
shit.

Dude, all you have
to do is grow a beard

and you could be your dad so...

We're gonna find it.

Dude, that's fucking bullshit.

There's a piece of bud on the
ground.

Wait, wait, stop!
What's under this bag?

Ganja.

What is all this?

Is that all weed?

Is this weed?

That’s his shit...

But the footage Adrian left
behind,

gradually became more
and more about drug use.

And especially his own
struggles with addiction.

So it's Oxy like Roxies?

What made you buy this,
what was in your motive?

It’s like candy.

Do you like candy?

No, I actually hate candy.

Listen.

I started off just like you.

I think that...

it’s going to be interesting to
document

regarding the American drug
problem
and prescription problem...

and myself.

Which is probably the hugest
thing of all

I mean, not cause it’s me, but
because...

I mean...

I know you think this is
probably bullshit, but...

One night, we got a call
from a Colorado hospital

saying that Adrian has checked
into a drug detox unit for a
week.

When he emerges from detox,
he tells me his film has become
about how

drug addiction was wrecking his
life.

And how it ruined his
relationship with his
girlfriend.

Who had already been battling
addiction issues of her own.

I've not been in the habit of
bringing
my camera when I visited Adrian,

but this time he asked
me to bring it with me.

About three weeks ago,

I came out of a treatment
place called Centennial Peaks.

It’s actually not in
Centennial, Colorado but

a little bit outside of Boulder.

And it was only a week long,
it was technically a psych ward.

So there's no shoelaces and...

What do you mean,
there was no shoelaces?

Because they...

Well, now I have some on but,

because they don't want
people to hang themselves

so they take away your
shoelaces.

It's pretty common with any
of those type of places, I
guess.

I was there to detox or withdraw
from

opiates or specifically,

black tar heroin and

You know, I think it helped a
lot and

I’m trying to move forward from
there.

I was snorting OxyContin.

Not regularly enough where I...

had like experienced really
withdrawals from that before.

But I enjoyed it, you know.

It gave me anxiety
relief and an energy boost

and it was nice.

But, that became really hard
to find and really, really
expensive.

And so someone had
basically some powder.

and this kid, Darren,
he called me into his room

and you know, he
offered me a line of it and

you know, I never, I never
really...

planned on trying
heroin, I think most people

would say the same, but

it's basically the same
thing as the OxyContin...

and it is true I mean,
they're all opiates.

They're all basically the same
thing and bind to the receptors.

So...

I just was really sad at the
time and depressed or whatever

and I said, “What the hell”
and tried that.

And it's not like I just
got hooked after that.

It doesn't work like that.

You know, it's a slow
progression, and where this
last--

the last year and a half,
basically

last two years, I really...

started using it daily.

I mean, all day and all night.

It's quite, it's quite nice.

It's a ritual and it's relaxing.

You know, it just...

It's a little euphoric, it's
kind of like a warm blanket.

That's what kind of
the opiate feeling is.

And it gives you some
energy for a while, and...

Yeah,

make you sleep great
and all that type of stuff.

So it seems like
a wonder drug at first.

But then the reason people
start injecting is because...

I feel like most people
would know this, but

as your tolerance builds with
it,

it becomes not so cheap.

Because...

You know, I can smoke
through a gram in about

an hour if I wanted to.

Easily or less.

And that's eighty dollars, you
know.

I think there was a way in
which I should have known, or

did know, and yet
didn't want to admit it.

That you were in trouble.

If not with heroin, then with
opiates.

Percocet and OxyContin.

And I feel terrible about that.

I was too distracted.

With my so-called profession and
teaching.

I don't think... you know

It's not my fault,
you know, I'm not saying

this is all my fault, but

it makes me feel terrible.

Well, I feel bad about it too.

What happened with
you and your girlfriend?

I had no idea
that you were doing heroin.

We were completely
dependent on it, so

if we didn’t have it for even
ten hours

we were sick as dogs.

It’s that quick.

Meaning that you were vomiting?

No

It’s called being dope sick.

You start sweating.

And like I said, you’re...

You're fairly cold
but you're sweating a lot.

You know, there's all the
ailments.

You can't sleep, restless legs,
you’re just miserable,

miserable and more.

And so we would drive,
down 36th all the way to

wherever that technically was...

And you would meet these,

you know, the Mexican
dudes, the cartel, Mexican
cartel guys.

And we would,

give them $450 every three days

for about a year.

God...

That's a lot of money.

Yeah, it is.

And you haven't seen her since?

No, the last time I heard
from her was Christmas Day.

I really thought I was
going to marry her and

probably have kids and stuff, so

it’s sad, you know, I just--

I don't care about her past she
had some

fucked up things that her past

and whatnot but I guess
so do I in my own way, so

I can't really judge and I
didn't, so

I thought I treated her really
well.

Introducing her to heroin is
not treating her well, Adrian.

But, I don’t mean like...

It’s not like what you think.

If I had never used...

black tar heroin out here with
her

or in general

I would still be with her right
now.

But um...

I don’t know where she is,
or what’s going on...

Four months go by,

Adrian relapses.

He agrees to a five-week stay in
a
residential rehab facility
outside Denver.

His mother and I are allowed
to visit him for only a few
hours

on only one day.

After he finishes his stint in
rehab,

Adrian remains out west
in a series of sober houses.

And he keeps filming.

This is something Adrian filmed
in his apartment in Boulder.

Presumably for the documentary
he's making about his struggles.

He forgot to turn on his
microphone.

Adrian’s mother and I decide to
bring him home for Thanksgiving

and try to persuade him to
stay through Christmas.

His little sister will be able
to see
him for the first time in two
years,

and he’ll finally be able to
meet Hyun for the first time.

Off and on over the years, I've
taken
my kids to see Handel's Messiah.

In fact, the tradition
began when Adrian

was still a few weeks from being
born.

His mom and I went
when she was pregnant.

and I could place my
hand on her stomach, and

I could feel Adrian
kicking rhythmically.

Now, here we are

twenty-seven years later.

We make an appointment
for Adrian with a psychiatrist

who agrees to prescribe
Suboxone,

a drug which inhibits opioid
craving.

Adrian begins taking the
medication.

Adrian seems glad enough to be
back.

I take him to see a movie in the
theater,

something we haven't done in
years.

He fixes a salmon dinner
for Hyun and me.

He visits his mom
and his little sister.

He asks me to film him
performing a vaping trick

he learned in Colorado.

Adrian now says he might decide
to move back to Boston for good.

He's even made a list of
apartments that he's planning to
look at.

I'm quietly ecstatic.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, that's right, like these
little pieces that are too long.

She cuts my hair sometimes.

No, I've never done that.

Yes, you have.
No, I've never done that.

You trimmed it.

I think her memory is
better than yours, Dad.

Maybe.

Don't trust me.

Did you ask him if
he wanted a haircut?

Yes, he said yes.

With a pair of...

With a pair of scissors
I can cut your hair.

Cut my hair?

Yeah.
Cut my hair?

You think you could do a good
job?

Yeah.
You think you could do a good
job?

Cut Dada’s hair, Adrian.

No!

A few days after Adrian died,

these flowers arrived sent by
friends.

He had relapsed and overdosed

and died in our bathroom
the day before Christmas.

Because he'd been taking
Suboxone
and seemed to be doing so well,

we were stunned.

The medical examiner later told
us
that it was fentanyl that had
killed him.

At the time, I didn't even
know what fentanyl was.

This startled me.

The movement in the screen of
his phone.

It was just my own
reflection but for a moment,

I kind of hallucinated
that it was Adrian

trying to film me through
the shattered glass

as if he were trapped just
beneath the surface.

Adrian scribbled this note and
left it here.

More a kind of note to himself I
think.

The note is hard to read, so
I'll read it.

I constantly live under
a bleak, threatening

feeling of everything being out
of place.

Feeling like there are multiple
versions of myself almost.

The worry, the insecurity,

the discomfort is simply awful.

I believe that at my core,

I am not a pathetic drug addict.

However, I can guarantee
you that anyone living in my
head

would turn to any immediate way
out.

The only actual hope of me
slowly
trying to move forward would
be...

And then something was spilled
here.

I can't really read it.

It goes on.

Amazing memories through
skiing, traveling, and past
life.

I so badly want to
experience this side of life.

And then it becomes illegible.

Way up high

And the dreams
that you dare to dream

Oh, why can't I?

What happened?

I think there's someone across
the street
who requires lots of medical
care.

The night Adrian died,
while I administered CPR,

Hyun had guided the
ambulance down the driveway.

While the police were collecting
information from me,

She had to watch helplessly as
the
EMTs continued to try to revive
Adrian.

Every time this happens,
I think about Adrian.

Me too.

This piano has been in my
family for several generations.

It's also been in a few of my
films.

It followed me from Charlotte to
Boston.

And since then, it's followed
me every time I've had to move.

And since I can't play it
anymore due to a wrist injury,

it's become a kind of
eight-hundred-pound albatross.

When I had to move
yet again, I finally decided

that I'd had enough
and I would give it away.

But Adrian asked me not to.

And now, Hyun plays it.

Adrian stayed with us
for a month and a half.

He was my nephew's age, but

strangely I felt he was
like my older brother

because he was very
caring and thoughtful.

When you told him you were
going to sell the piano, he
said,

“No, Dad, don't sell the piano.
I'm going to give it to my kids
someday.”

He was imagining
his future with his children.

A year after Adrian died,

the DEA Arrests dozens of
dealers, and

charges them with possession of
fentanyl.

It occurs to me,
though the chances are slim,

that one of the men being
arraigned
could’ve actually had his hands
on

a packet of fentanyl
that was sold to my son.

Filming isn’t allowed in the
courtroom

and I’m only able to get one
shot off
before the arraignment begins.

But as I watch the defendants
come before the judge

one after the other,

I find myself wondering,

is he the one
who sold fentanyl to my son?

As time goes by, I still have no
idea
what to do with the anger I feel

about losing Adrian.

Anger at China for exporting
illicit fentanyl.

Anger at the Mexican cartels
that distributed it.

Anger at the FDA for not
regulating OxyContin,

which is how the whole opioid
epidemic began.

Anger at my son for letting
himself
get sucked into this maelstrom.

Anger at myself for not
recognizing
how serious his psychological
issues were,

and anger at myself for not
having checked his bedroom

the night he died.

I only filmed three brief shots
of you

during the month and a
half that you stayed with us.

Filmed them casually.

Now that you're gone, sometimes
these shots seem like a
treasure.

But other times they opened
up a black hole for me.

For a year after you died,

maybe longer,

I had no desire to pick up a
camera.

I no longer knew what it meant
to try to be a filmmaker.

I could only keep watching
things you had filmed.

And as I did, I began seeing
the world through your eyes.

And so I watch, and I watch.

I watched the footage you shot,

the footage I shot.

I keep watching.

But my fear now is that by
looking
at this footage over and over
again,

things will slowly start
shifting into making you seem

like a fictional character.

Someone who never existed

except on film.

The option rights
for the various versions

of the “Sherman’s March”
remake have lapsed.

No one had been able to figure
out a satisfactory way to pull
it off.

Then one day I receive a
proposal

for an entirely different
approach to an adaptation.

Yes, much better.

Again, we want to keep this
drama right at one-thirty-four.

What are you saying there?

You're asking him a question.

How can you be a filmmaker?

Asking him that question.

All right, mean that question.

So glad to see you

You look right at him

So glad to see you

You look right at him
for the first time

Hello Dede

I’m glad to meet you

Glad to meet you, too

Charleen has, to say the least

said a lot about you

Oh, and about you

Would you stop,
would you stop?

Don’t touch the lens

Turn it off! This is important

This is not art, this is life!

Ross, that's what's
wrong with you

You've got to be
more passionate

How can you be a filmmaker

if you don't have passion?

I have plenty of passion

I don’t even know her

That doesn’t matter

I don’t know anything about her

What matters is
the quality of your passion

So what that you don’t know her!
That's not relevant.

So what that you don’t know her

That's not relevant

I can't help but wonder what
you'd say about all this Adrian.

And if you were
helping me film this,

would you have advised
repositioning the camera?

Maybe, doing a few slow zooms?

I wonder what you would have
said.

“That's a good shot.”

You were so passionate, Adrian.

You were passionate
about everything.

Life is just...

so extraordinary in every way.

Everything I see is a surprise.

Look at the wall.

Those are just people that I
used to know and still think of,

and most of them are dead.

But I still think about them
and their brains.

I think about their brains
still.

My father's up there on the
wall.

My mother's up there on the
wall.

My brothers and sisters
are up there by the wall.

All my kids are on the wall.

And they come over to
my house all the time.

And we have a
rip-roaring good time.

Family is everything, I think.

The only person who's
not still together in our family

is you.

And I think you're
just amazing how you can

make something out of nothing.

That thing that I'm looking down
into

is the ugliest thing I ever saw.

I mean, it's an ugly
piece of equipment to me.

There's no beauty in it to me

because I don't understand it.

It looks at me and
I can't see myself in it

and therefore, it's doubly ugly.

It’s just a piece of equipment
that you've got to hold all the
time

and look at me with a grin,

I can't see anything but you
and I don't like this equipment.

Tell me about the dream
you had, Adrian.

We went to this lake.

It was a cool,
it was a beautiful, big lake

and we got in a submarine,
I looked through the window

And I saw--

We started diving and...

I saw a giant squid,
so three-dimensional

I thought it was real.
It was amazing.

Were you scared?

No, not at first.

And then we went down a tunnel.

So it was very claustrophobic.

And I screamed,

“We’re losing air!”

And then...

I screamed, “We’re losing air!”
in real life.

Like not in the dream.

But I screamed it,
like really screamed it.

And then I woke up.

I'm so relieved to be alive.

Somehow, as a kid,

you became obsessed
with giant squids.

When you were nine,

you wrote a poem about giant
squids.

The poem goes like this:

When squids feed,
there is love in the lead.

But when squids dive,
love is just a try.

In some ways, the poem
doesn't really make sense.

But in other ways it does,
at least for me.

I hope you knew, Adrian

that no matter
how deep you dived,

I never stopped loving you.