All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners s03e03 Wills Dilemma

Neil was about to turn 18, and to
celebrate this landmark, his mum was

buying him an early grave.

What do you think?

Best present ever.

Mate, you're going to hoover up the
snatch on that.

I know.

Can't wait to get this cast off and go
for a burn.

Does your mum always buy you gifts this
extravagant? Not really, but it's for me

18th, isn't it? And she did run off.

Why are you getting a bite when you've
already got a car?

Motorbike's a cooler.

Until you hit a bus and kill yourself.

Oh, don't listen to Captain Sensible
here. It's the ultimate clunge magnet.

It's a well-known fact, if you can get a
bird on the back of one of these, they

just cream their knickers because of the
vibration.

Is it? Yeah.

That's why there are no female superbike
champions.

They all get too horny and have to stop
and fud themselves off all the time.

Neil, how on earth is Jay allowed to
ride your bike back without a licence or

insurance? Don't shit your pants health
and safety.

Neil can't do it because of his arm, and
the dealer's happy for me to take it

because I used to be a stunt rider.

It rhymes with stunt.

Well, we know that's bollocks. Is it?
Cos I can show you a DVD of me leaping

over five lorries on Blue Peter, if you
like.

Oh, wow, did you make it into the
Guinness Book of Fictional Records?

Fuck off.

I don't think Tara would be happy if I
got one of these. She thinks they're

death traps.

Oh, time for another Tara update.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Just because no-one cares what
Tara says or does, don't let that stop

you from mentioning her every 40
seconds.

Don't be a dick, I don't mention her
that much.

You do, mate. Oh, pardon me for having a
girlfriend.

Who's taking it back then?

I am.

And you say you're used to motorbikes?
Of course.

Dad used to drink with Lance Armstrong.

What, the cyclist?

Er, yeah.

Right, well, up on, I'll just show you
the basics in case it's different from

what you've ridden before.

Yeah, can do.

These are the gears, these are the
brakes.

And they're for stopping, right?

Yeah, I presume you want to stop.

Maybe.

Do you need me to show you that again?

No, no, it's all right.

You never forget.

It's like riding a bike, isn't it?

I think he's used to left-hand drive.

If James' bike riding skills weren't
quite as good as he'd claimed, his

ability to brazen it out was
unparalleled. I should fucking sue him.

Those tyres had no grip.

They don't tend to grip so well when
they're up in the air. Oh, my God, that

is amazing. You look such a knob.

What about your bike, Neil?

I know, the way he said he could ride it
and then he fell off and put his head

straight through that door. It's got to
be the funniest thing I've ever seen.

No, I meant, what are you going to do
about your bike?

It's not only still in Gillingham, it's
now fucked.

Oh, no!

So that's your mum's gift destroyed.
What's your dad getting you? I'm getting

a party on Friday, aren't I? You mean
you're having a party?

No, I'm getting a party for me 18th. The
party, that's my present.

Ha! You've got to be fucking joking,
that's it. Why is that funny?

Well, I'm just saying, and no offence,
mate, but a pike around your house is

the pikiest 18th present I've ever heard
of. Leave it at, he's not got that much

money at the moment.

Oh, what, spend it all on butt plugs,
has he? No, because he already owns

every single one in the world. Yeah,
brilliant, well done.

So who's coming then, Neil? Oh, it's
mostly family, but I'm allowed to invite

ten friends.

Ten? Oh, that's generous, considering
you haven't got ten friends. Fuck off.

All right, then, who are you going to
ask? Well, I... Oh, shit.

I'm not going to get ten people to come
along.

Well, just tell them your sister's going
to be naked and your dad's promised not

to bum them.

Behave. Oh, can I ask Tara to see what
she's up to?

Yeah, nice one. Has she got any fit
mates?

I bet so. I'm going to meet one of them
after school tomorrow.

I thought we went to Waterside tomorrow,
to the cinema.

Yeah, we are.

But Tara and Kerry are coming too.

Oh, I'm well up for that. Yeah, I need
to go to Waterside anyway. I'm nearly

out of pants.

You two aren't invited? It's like a
double date.

Whoa! What?

I didn't agree to this.

Oh, come on, Will.

Apparently Kerry's been having a bit of
a tough time recently. And Tara thinks

YouTube would get on really well. So I
said you'd be cool.

Yes, but... A date's quite a big thing.

I mean, do you know what she looks like?
I've not seen her, but Tara says she's

amazing and gorgeous.

I bet she's a right dog. Just cos you're
not invited?

Nah, she said girls always think their
mates are really fit, and then when you

meet them, they look like a pulp
scratching.

To be fair, Tara's pretty spot-on about
most things. This conversation is

specifically about Tara!

At best, I reckon this Kerry's a
mid-level munter. I'm sure she's not.

Honestly, Will, Tara says she's fit.

Plus, and I probably shouldn't even tell
you this, but apparently, Kerry's given

her last three boyfriends blowjobs.

Seriously? Yep. Well, why didn't you
say? What time were you meeting then?

Because I didn't own a tracksuit, I'd
never seen the appeal of hanging out in

a shopping centre. But while Simon and
Tara explored the deepest recesses of

each other's mouths, I was on a date
with a girl who gave out blowjobs, so

things were looking up. And by things, I
mean me.

This is fun. Fun double date.

We're just shopping. Yeah, but after
that we're going to watch the new Saw

film. That's like a date.

Oh, yeah. I might not make that,
actually.

You're not scared, are you?

No, I'm just not very good with blood.

It's not real, Will. Yes, Simon, thank
you. I am aware of how cinema works.

Any blood makes me feel queasy. I'm the
same. I don't like blood.

Once I saw some and I didn't like it.

Right. You two are so alike.

Are we?

Most people don't like blood.

Yeah, you are.

Anyway, I saw the best outfit for Simon
here.

We went for a long night. I knew you
two. Hang out.

Wait, I'll come with you and... Oh,
right.

I like your glasses.

Thanks.

Do you need them to see better?

Yes.

So as I heard it carry off, Simon was
discovering that it wasn't just Tara's

boyfriend, it was also her project.

Are we going to be looking around much
longer? It's just my feet are really

hurting. Oh, my God!

There it is.

You would look so cute in that.

Yeah, the shirt's sort of nice.

Not just the shirt, the whole thing.

Really? Do you think? Why are you
looking at this?

I think it's great.

It's so great, isn't it? I was just
saying, you'd look really good in it.

He'd look really good in it.

Not the cardigan, though.

Especially the cardigan and the bow tie.

Oh, the bow tie is amazing.

You should try it on. How are you
suddenly so involved? Oh, yes, please,

just try it on. We don't have to buy it.

But I'm going to look exactly like the
dummy.

Please, for me.

Do you not think you look weird?

Please!

God, all right, for you, but not for
him.

She's a bit precious, isn't she?

It was a mark of how desperate Simon was
to lose his virginity that he was

willing to let Tara dress him up like an
eccentric posh child.

Oh, my God.

It's shit, isn't it? You look adorable.

It looks fantastic.

My creation has come to life.

I have to tell everyone.

All staff to dressing. No, mate, come
on. You look amazing. I really fancy you

in that.

Do you? Yeah. Put the glasses on.

I'm going to take it off now.

Not yet. You're like my wet dream. I
need to get a photo.

Come on, Sammy. Smile.

Hands off, everyone. He's mine.

Simon, can I have a word about Kerry?
Now, who has done this to you?

I ate the picture of you. Geek Chic was
last year.

In a way, it was a compliment.

I'd never been called Chic before.

What is it with fucking girls? They
think shoppers distance are their

friends. They're not. You've just met
them and they're trying to sell you

stuff. Look, I think before this goes
any further, you need to tell Tara that

Kerry isn't my type. What does that
mean?

You've only kissed three girls. Your
type is anyone who'll let you. All

right, fine. Look.

I don't want to seem really shallow, but
she's a bit big.

Is she?

Oh, did it escape your notice she's a
giant? So she's tall.

Come on, you're always saying how
desperate you are. Do you honestly think

you'll get better?

Yes, I'd have thought so.

Really? May I remind you of Charlotte
Hinchcliffe? She went out with me and

she was not only fit and popular, but
also normal-sized.

OK, so Kerry might not be the fittest
girl ever, but she'll almost certainly

give you a blowjob if you stick with it.
Oh, God, I know.

My head's telling me one thing and my
cock another.

It's a genuine dilemma.

I mean, is using her for sex totally
unethical?

She's offering to put your penis in her
mouth, not pay you to ask questions in

Parliament. You'd like a blowjob,
wouldn't you?

Yes, obviously.

Oh, God, this is a fucking nightmare.

And having Neil and Jay follow us around
isn't helping.

What? Are you going to come out, then? I
can't see you. You're not even hiding.

Your new girlfriend's big, isn't she?
She's not my girlfriend.

No, she's fucking Canary Wolf.

You can bring your girlfriend to my
birthday, if you like, Will.

Is that a joke?

No, it'll help push the numbers up.
It'll help push the height up. Thanks,

Simon. So, has she given you a blower
yet, then? Here in Waterside? Oh, yeah,

Neil, I've had two. One on the escalator
and one in Nando's.

Really? No, Neil, not really.

You're going to go for it then? I mean,
she's a freak, but there's nothing like

a blowjob. And you'd know because you've
had so many blowjobs.

Yeah. When was your first then, Jay? Oh,
long time back.

Many suck jobs ago now. Years.

Years ago?

Bollocks. I got one off the cleaner when
I was 12.

Who was your cleaner? Gary Glitter? Was
he good?

Oh, he was brilliant, mate.

I pissed right in her mouth. What?

Why would you do that? Is that even
possible?

Yes. That's how you finish blowjobs.

And she said I was the best she'd ever
had. Three mouthfuls of piss. Thought

she had to get on with the hoovering.

Oh, hi, guys. Hi.

Come on, Simon, we'd better get going.
We don't want to miss the film. Yeah,

we're off too, actually.

Oh, no.

You off to get a zing a tower meal?

It was clear that tonight wasn't about
me at all, and if he thought it would

make Tara happy, Simon would have set me
up on a blind date with a plastic bag

full of his own shit.

I don't think she's that bad, just a bit
big.

Oh, that one's meant to be awesome.

Completed it.

That one came out last week.

Completed it.

What about this?

Championship manager.

Completed it, mate.

We can't complete it.

Yeah, I know, but I got so good here
that the FA offered me a role in the

England set-up. Did they?

I took Woking from the conference to the
Champions League in six seasons.

Stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed,
Neil.

Hey, Jay, look at this.

Nice people swallow.

Mean spunk.

Yeah. What about this one?

Honk if you want a blowjob.

We should stick it on Kerry. She loves
giving blowjobs. We'd have to get a

bigger one.

Yeah, a good one.

Actually, I know where this should go.

After becoming possibly the first people
ever to actually laugh at a bumper

sticker, Jay and Neil's day got even
better when they saw something rare and

exotic in the shopping centre.

Hey, Jay, look.

Fucking hell, what's he doing here?

Dunno. Shopping.

Gilbert.

Gilbert!

A few years ago, I'd seen King Kong at
the cinema.

Now, I was on a date with her.

This is very violent.

Yeah.

Do you feel all right? With the blood?

Yes. Shush.

Are you OK?

Fine, thanks, yeah.

Bit hot.

Remember, it's not real.

Kerry's attempt to comfort me with her
massive hand did exactly the opposite.

There was no way out. The horror. The
hand.

The horror. The hand! It was all too
much. I told Simon I didn't like blood.

Sorry, I think I need to get some air.

Really faint.

Fuck off! He's scared of blood!

Oh, dear.

I'll say this for Carrie. She made a
great human popcorn shield.

Meanwhile, by the time he'd driven Tara
home, Simon was getting withdrawal

symptoms because he'd gone more than
five minutes without sticking his tongue

down her throat.

Well, I think that went really well.

I could tell Kerry likes him. She's
amazing, isn't she? So beautiful.

Yeah, sort of. She's quite tall.

What do you mean?

Oh, no, what are they doing? They know
about me, all right? Totally, hence the

welcome party.

Simon, this is my mum and dad, who
happen to be stepping outside the front

door for no reason, just as we arrive.

Hello, Simon, I'm Tara's mum. She's told
me all about you. Hello. Whereas because

I'm Tara's father, she's told me
virtually nothing about you.

Oh, she doesn't really know very much
about me.

Not that there's anything bad to know.

It's your car, is it?

At least you're not driving my daughter
around in some souped-up death trap. Oh,

no, it's just the stopgap, really.
Trying to get enough money together to

buy something less crap.

Mum and Dad don't like swearing, Simon.

Oh, sorry.

What did I say?

Oh, crap?

Is crap a swear word?

Crap?

Let's just err on the side of caution on
that one, shall we?

Yeah, sorry.

It's OK.

Look, someone's got a funny bumper
sticker. What does this one say?

Honk if you want to... What?

That's not mine.

Well, it's on your car.

Dad, can you just go inside, please?
Mum, tell him. It's all right, Simon. I

can see it's meant to be a joke.

I literally have no idea how they got
there. It's just not very funny, though,

is it?

I mean, why would you want to drive
around with that on the back of your

car? It just makes you look dirty.

I'm not.

I mean, it's not like I'm obsessed with
blowjobs or cocks.

Honestly, I'm not.

Say goodnight to Simon, Tara.

So while Simon struggled to get rid of
something impossibly clingy, so did I. I

don't think they should have thrown
stuff.

What kind of a person throws stuff at
another person when that person isn't

feeling very well?

Anyway, thanks, Kerry, but I think I
meant to walk you home.

I want to make sure you get home safely.

Yep, well, here I am, so thank you.

You can kiss me goodnight if you want
to.

Oh.

Er... OK.

Right.

Right, well, better go. Goodnight, then.
Get home safely.

Nah, that's enough for tonight.

Kiss me one more time.

No, night, Kerry.

OK, I ran away, but she's still going on
my kiss list.

Number four, Big Kerry.

Considering it had the combined brain
power of Jay and Neil behind it, the

blowjob sticker joker worked amazingly
well. It's impossible to get off. Tara's

dad was really angry.

I'm going to have to get the car
re-sprayed, I reckon. Try and pick a

less shit colour. Brilliant.

How's your girlfriend, Will? If you mean
Kerry, she's not my girlfriend.

I don't think she's changed her Facebook
status to win a relationship, then. Has

she? How did you find her on Facebook?

It's easy when you know where to look.
Which is in the group for lanky munters.

Mate, I reckon it's all good.

Tara told me something very interesting
about Kerry. She bangs her head wherever

she goes. No.

She told me you kissed her last night.

Did you use a fucking stab ladder?

No. Why did you do it? I thought you
weren't interested.

Oh, I don't know. I can't decide.

And at that moment, it was easier to
kiss her than to not kiss her. Were you

scared? A bit.

Sounds to me like you're closing in on
that BJ.

Maybe it'll even happen at Neil's party.

No, no, I think it's all wrong. I'm
going to de-invite her from the party.

Oh, no way, she's got to come. I need to
get the numbers up. Were you free in

Tara? I'm stuck on five.

Four. But if Kerry comes as well,
that'll make it six.

Five. Taking her to the party is a bit
like admitting we're going out, when all

I really want from her is a blowjob.

It would be morally wrong.

Look, why not just get the blowjob and
then see how you feel?

I've got an idea. Why not get the
blowie, ask for a fuck, if she says no,

then dump her. Brilliant. Well, I'd like
to thank everyone for their fucking

useless advice.

Thank you.

I don't know what your problem is. I've
never been out with a girl I liked

anyway. What, apart from the last one
who made you cry?

Well... Oh, that is bang out of order.

What? After everything he's said?

Yeah, but some things just aren't OK.

You alright, Jay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Apologise. For that?

Yes, for that.

Well, I've literally no idea what the
rules are, then.

Oi, Jay. Jay.

Waterside. Waterside.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Right. A week's after school detention.

For both of you. Oh, what?

Two weeks.

Come on, sir. Three weeks?

But, sir... Four weeks detention?

Starting tonight.

See you later.

Oh, fucking hell.

I'm now going to be late to my party.

Right, OK, I've made up my mind. You're
right. Maybe a blowjob is worth it.

I'm going to play the long game with
Kerry. Just make sure you don't play the

tall game. She'd win every time. Because
she's tall.

Yes, I get it.

That evening, as we stared at Neil's
impossibly attractive sister, two

thoughts crossed my mind.

Surely she must be adopted, and could
this party get any worse?

Turns out, it could. Oh, I say.

What must you think of me racing round
the house in my briefs like we're at

some sort of Roman orgy?

Neil will be back in a minute. He's just
finishing off up after jazz club.

OK.

You know, it's not fancy dress, Simon.
I'm not in fancy dress.

It's a new look for Simon. I chose it.

You should get your girlfriend to dress
you too, Will. You look like shit.

She's really rude to you.

Did you two have a thing? What, with
Katie?

He wishes.

I don't understand.

Come on, Kezza, let's go and get our men
some more drinks.

Lager for William.

Maybe the cheap French beer will numb
the shame of being seen in public with

her. Oh, come on, it's fine. She's nice.

Is the definition of nice someone who's
a bit boring and embarrassing and much

taller than you?

Aye, aye, Si. You didn't tell me you'd
join JLS.

Brilliant. And you've come as a nerd.

Yes, very droll. He's bigfoot here, you
know, your girlfriend.

Oh, God, I can't go through with it. I
don't fancy Kerry and I can't keep

stringing her along. It's not right, is
it? Or is it?

That's nice.

Fucking Donovan did it. He pinned me
down in detention.

Oh, Neil, what is that monstrosity?

It was an accident. You remember, I fell
off the garage.

No, not the cast. What's on it? Cover it
up. Your granny's going to be here in a

minute.

Neil. I thought we would have liked it.

Why? Well, it's covered in cocks.

Behave. How was detention?

It was alright apart from that. I even
managed to give out a couple of invites.

Did you?

Yeah, whilst you were getting changed. I
told them to be here early, so that

should be them now.

Oh, please be fit. Please be fit.

Hello. Brilliant. It's a brilliant freak
party.

Say what you like, but with these two,
us four and your girlfriends, that's got

me up to the magic ten.

Eight.

Oh, shit.

Neil, is it okay if I brush my teeth?

No, it is not.

Well, Big John and David made it
official.

Neil's was the worst 18th birthday party
ever.

Unless you were Simon.

Oh, get a room.

Sorry, mate.

Actually, can we use your room? Depends.
What for?

What do you think?

You've lost me. I want to spend some
time alone and not in your kitchen with

Tara. Oh, right. Time together, yeah?
What for?

Neil. Oh, right. That.

Oh, go on then. Cheers, mate.

Oh, try not to spunk on the sheets.

Do you want any more crisps, Gran?

And I was left with Kerry, who might
give me a blowjob, but might also

swallow the rest of me. Oh, there you
are.

Oh, sorry.

Am I a lump?

No. Why don't you come and sit on my lap
instead?

Spend your room to both sit down.

OK, Mr Grump Grumps.

Kerry, um, we need to talk.

We are talking.

No, not here. In private.

Oh, good.

More kissing.

You're a really good kisser. Am I a bad
kisser? I bet I'm a rubbish kisser,

aren't I? Do you think I'm a good
kisser, then? OK, Kerry, I'm really

sorry to do this. What?

We're not going out.

Yes, we are. No, we aren't. I don't want
to be a boyfriend, and if anyone asks, I

never was, all right?

Oh.

That didn't come out perfectly, but you
know what I mean.

I'll give you a blowjob.

I'm sure that you will, Kerry, but I
just can't accept. Is it because I'm a

bit taller than you?

No.

Calm down.

You can't be that upset.

We were never really going out.

We only met the other day.

She just had some bad news.

Hope, Will and Kerry are getting on OK.

She's such a sweetheart and she's had
such a rough time.

I'd love it if she met someone really
nice. What do you think?

Yeah, definitely.

Does Will really like her?

Whatever you want.

I said, does Will really like her? Can
we not talk about Will right now? It's

putting me off.

Oh, God, that sounded like Kerry.

Better go and check she's OK. I'm sure
she's fine. Simon, you know what she's

been through.

Oh, for fuck's sake, well, don't fucking
bother starting me off if you're not

going to finish it.

Sorry, did you say something?

No.

That's not strictly true, is it, Kerry?

He tried to have sex with me and then he
dumped me. Is that correct, Kerry?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

For what?

I've actually been really nice. You took
advantage of her. No, I didn't. I think

that's pretty low.

Do you really?

Tom, are you OK, Kezza?

He dumped me.

No, I couldn't have because we were
never going out.

You...

Especially after everything Kerry's been
through.

It hasn't been an easy ride for me
either, trying to stay out of her

clutches. Her dad died last month.

Well, that's awful.

Obviously.

But not. Not what?

Well, it's not... It's not relevant, is
it? You disgust me.

I think you should leave.

But I've done nothing wrong.

The dad timing is unfortunate, but it's
not my fault.

If you're interested in the truth, Kerry
hands out blowjobs like they're going

out of fashion, and by all accounts, I'm
one of the only people to have turned

her down.

Well,

I want you to leave.

What, for turning down oral sex from the
Empire State Building?

For trying to let her down gently rather
than placing my glands into her stupid,

boring mouth?

Well, I want you to leave my house and
never come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's going on?

I've been told to leave for dumping a
girl I wasn't going out with. Oh, fuck.

And by the way, did you not think it
important to mention at any stage that

Kerry's dad had died?

Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot.

Didn't forget about the blowjobs,
though, did you? Oh, no.

You were all about the blowjobs,
couldn't stop going on about the

blowjobs, but the dead dad, that just
slipped your mind. Well, thanks very

much, Simon. See you at school, mate.

To be fair to Simon, I'd have probably
forgotten my own mother's name if Tara

had been wanking me off.

Life is so unfair.

Yes, and?

Neil's dad phoned my mum and I've been
grounded for three weeks and I did

nothing wrong. Not nothing?

Yes, nothing.

If anything, I did the right thing by
not letting her give me a blowjob.

You didn't handle it brilliantly,
though, did you? OK, so right and wrong

don't matter, it's all about
presentation, is it?

It's like with me and Gilbert.

I did nothing and I get a month's
detentions. You did say waterside. Yes,

nothing. It's not offensive, it's not a
swear word. Yeah, but... Yeah, but what?

What? Do I have to draw you a fucking
picture? I said Waterside and I got a

month's detentions. How is that fair?

Anyway, sorry for ruining your birthday,
Neil.

No, not at all.

It was awesome.

Was it? Yeah.

After you guys left and me dad went to
bed, Kerry gave me a blowy upstairs.

What? Did she?

Because Tara said... Beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep. Fuck off!

Tara said she was still really upset
about it the next day.

Well, yeah, that was the only downside.

She was still crying a little bit on the
first one.

Oh, God.

It may not have been extravagant, but
Neil will always remember his 18th.

Mainly because Jay drove his mum's gift
into a wall, Simon ejaculated on his

duvet, and I ruined the evening by
comparing the grieving girl I was

supposedly seeing to an immense,
cocksucking American landmark.

Whaaat?