All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners s03e01 The Fashion Show

My name is Will McKenzie, and my first
year in state education has been an

unqualified success.

And by unqualified, I mean I've failed
all my exams.

That said, I have made three friends.
Yep, three whole friends in one year.

And they're the sort of friends everyone
should have.

Ones that are so tragic, they almost
make someone like me... Feisty one you

are! ...look normal.

But things were going to be different
this year. For one, Jay could now drive,

meaning we had a choice of which
shit-embarrassing car we got to lift to

school in.

Simon's was more yellow.

But Jay's was more dangerous.

Morning, benders.

Jump in the minge-mobile.

Strange thing to call your mum's car.

Jay driving us to school really did make
me feel like royalty.

Unfortunately, the royalty I felt like
was Princess Diana.

Roundabout, Jay!

Get away to the fucking left!

Stupid old bint. I think that's the
right, mate.

Is it?

Oh, yeah, that does sound familiar.

What's that in your ear?

Oh, it's a piercing.

It's just a stud for now, but my dad's
minded me a diamond to put in it. Cool.

Hang on. Have you had the left ear
pierced?

Yes. You know the one you get pierced to
show you're gay?

Fuck off!

Oh, yeah, that is the gay one.

Well, there's a quick way to tell, Neil.
Which ears your dad got pierced?

Neither, cos he's not bent. Of course
not. Well, which ear's gay?

I'm the last person to ask. I thought
you knew everything.

Well, I don't know any men who've had
their ears pierced cos I went to a

private school.

Why have you had that done, anyway?

Oh, I like to keep my look fresh.

Plus, I'll probably need it for the
fashion show tomorrow.

Oh, yes, the school charity fashion
show, where only people deemed good

-looking enough by other good-looking
people get to take part and raise money.

Well, there's going to be special
guests.

Special guests?

Oh, I wonder who that's going to be.
Maybe Beyonce and Jay-Z, the Obamas?

Look, I don't give a shit what you think
about it, because when I'm up there

modelling, I'll have my pick at a
snatch.

Everyone knows that male models get all
the pussy.

I didn't know they asked you to model,
Jay.

Well, I haven't yet, and I haven't asked
anyone.

I think they have.

Well, I'm telling you they haven't
because no one's asked me. But it's

tomorrow. Are you deaf?

I've not been asked. I'll be the first
in line for any modelling work. Look at

me.

Well, I've been asked.

Fuck off!

Carly's one of the organisers and she's
asked me to model. You?

Who wants a model that looks like a
spotty baby crossed with a Statue of

Liberty? Statue of Liberty? His hair.

Oh, yeah. It was hard to know where Jay
got the idea he should be a male model.

It seemed like it just stemmed from a
sense of thinking Simon was

spectacularly ugly.

Seriously, what clothes are going to
look better on you than me?

Apart from a paper bag for your fucking
head. Brilliant. Shall we give it a rest

now, Jay?

Good morning.

Shut up and let's get this over with.

Right. Wait a minute.

Cartwright? What is that?

It's a stud, sir.

I don't mean the earring.

Take it out or I will rip it out. But
what about my human rights?

You have to be human for those to apply
cartwright. Out. Now.

Right. I'm sure that most of you will
remember Alastair Scott.

Yes, Sutherland? I don't. You sat next
to him in registration for four years?

Oh, well... Well, thankfully, after a
tough year, they found a donor and he's

finally on the mend.

In preparation for his return to school,
he's coming in at lunchtime to answer

any questions you may have about his
illness and... Yes, Sutherland?

Can I catch it? No. You cannot catch
kidney failure.

Mackenzie, my office. Ten minutes.

What's Gilbert want?

Probably wants me to act as a chaperone
for that Alistair kid.

Poor guy.

Imagine what he's been through.

He's a dick.

Jay? What? He is a dick.

I never liked him when he was well, I
never liked him when he was ill, and I

don't like him now he's getting better.

Simples. Oh, he was all right.

Oh, he wasn't. He was a complete
bellend. He was worse than briefcase.

Thanks very much.

Look, he's had a hugely traumatic time.
Maybe he's changed.

He's not going to have got more interest
in an hospital bed attached to a drip

for a year, is he? What a sympathetic
view of a life-threatening illness.

And he used to stink.

I'm not going.

Oh, come on, Jay, there might be sausage
rolls.

Why would there be sausage rolls?

We had sausage rolls when my nan died.
He's not dead, Neil.

Isn't he?

Well, he still might have sausage rolls,
though.

Fine, fuck it, I'll come.

But I'm warning you, he's a dick.

If Jay thought Alistair was a dick, he
was almost certainly a nice bloke.

Unlike Mr Gilbert.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Want is an overstatement.

I'm putting you in charge of collecting
the money for tomorrow's fashion show.

The last time they had a collection for
charity, nearly half the money went

missing, and then the organisers started
turning up in new trainers.

Well, sir, whilst I'm really pleased
that you think I'm trustworthy enough

to... Oh, it's not that.

I just know that if anything did happen,
I could break you.

Right. Well, the thing is, I object to
the fashion show on a moral level.

I'm sorry. It's not about raising money.
It's a popularity parade.

It's just the self-elected attractive
people using charities as an excuse to

show off.

Well, this is a first.

As it happens, Mackenzie, I agree with
you. You do?

Yes. Great. So you understand why I'd
rather not compromise my principles?

Yes, I do. Totally.

Unfortunately for you, it's not the
First World War.

you can't conscientiously object.

So, you either collect the money or it's
detention, starting now and continuing

indefinitely. But... you said you agreed
with me. Yes, I know.

It's a tricky one, isn't it?

OK, fine, I'll do it. But I'm still
exercising my right to protest.

Good. Just make sure it's not a dirty
protest like the last one.

Just as a stopped clock gives the
correct time twice a day, once a term

Neil gets something right.

Told you there'd be sausage rolls.

Look at him.

Fucking milking it. Jay?

He's in a wheelchair.

He was always a bit lazy, though. I
don't think it's that, Neil. Why's Carly

finding him so funny?

I mean, what can he be saying that's so
funny? He was never funny.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

Quiet. I want to talk.

I wanted to say super thanks to everyone
who's given up their time to take part

in the fashion show tomorrow to raise
money for a new dialysis machine for St.

Margaret's. Especially all the sexy
girls.

Did you just say super thanks?

Well, nobody told me we was raising
money for that twat. Might think twice

about modelling tomorrow now. You're not
modelling anyway.

Oh, it's going to be a gash-a-rama. I'm
going to try getting a job helping out

backstage, so that way I get to see some
close-up flange, but for charity.

Hi, Simon. You come to the rehearsal
after school? Yeah, of course. How much

rehearsal does it take to walk up and
down in a straight line wearing clothes?

It's more for timings and stuff, really.

Do you need any helpers, Carly?

Oh, brilliant, we do, actually. Hardly
anyone has volunteered and we really

need people to help get the models
dressed.

Christ, I knew they were stupid.

Can't they even dress themselves?

It's for the quick changes, actually.

Whip one outfit off and another one on.
If you're sure you don't mind, Neil. Are

you joking?

Great, thanks.

Hey, guys. Everybody cool?

Hi, I'm Will, by the way. I'm relatively
new. Are you the kid who shit himself in

the exam?

Nice to meet you, too. Now, I was
wondering if you and I could have a

little chat about some other ways to
raise money, ways that could include

everyone, the whole school, whatever
they look like?

Yeah, could do, only you're not as
pretty as Carly, so I think right now

I'm going to go and chat to her, yeah.

See you.

Carly! Carly!

Dick. You don't think him and Carly
are... Nah.

Nah. If they are, I bet he's really good
at it.

Brilliant. Oh, I'm going to have to go.
I've got a missed call from Ralph

Lauren.

Didn't even ring, did it?

I'm well excited. Imagine the birds I'm
going to get to see as a dresser. It's

not top international models, Neil. It's
just a load of the girls from school

that you see every day.

Yeah, but I think I'd fancy them a lot
more if I saw them naked.

I'll say this for Neil. At least his
ambitions were simple. See tits and or

fanny. Jay's were a lot more
unrealistic.

Um, Carly, can I have a word?

I'm a bit busy. What's up?

I was just wondering if you needed any
more models for tomorrow?

No, we're fine.

Good, good.

I don't know if you noticed, but I've
had my ear pierced.

Oh, right.

So do you think you can fit one more in
now? Well, no, because you've only got a

certain amount of clothes.

Well, I could wear my own clothes.

We're probably OK.

So I'm, like, first reserve, then?

Well, we haven't really got any
reserves, so sort of no.

Cool, cool, cool.

Simples.

How about a free ticket instead?

Well, it's for charity, so there aren't
really any free tickets. Yeah, nice one,

Carl. I'll catch you later, yeah? So Jay
had a size zero chance of becoming a

model, but Simon was practising hard.

Simon's my best friend.

This bloke is my best friend.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Spying on me?

Spying? Is that how you get your kicks?

It's all right. It's just I think we've
found the new David Beckham. Right,

that's it.

That is it.

I'm sick of you people.

I'm leaving.

You're not going out now. You've got
school tomorrow.

Yeah, run away at the weekend when
you've got your car back.

Well, I'm not spending another second in
this house with you utter twats.

Where are you going?

Paris or Milan?

Fuck off!

He's just like Naomi Campbell.

So Simon was well on his way to becoming
a supermodel. He had the temperament,

now all he needed was bulimia and a
cocaine addiction.

The next night was the fashion show, and
I realised in my role as doorman, I had

the perfect opportunity to ruin
everything for everyone.

I'm not saying don't give to charity.

Do give to charity.

I'm just saying you can give without
supporting this egotistical vanity fest.

My daughter is one of the models.

Then you've failed her.

What? God, five pounds, please.

Well, I think it's so great that you're
helping out. I knew you'd come round. I

don't come round. I still feel exactly
the same about this sham popularity

parade. You're being such an arse. What
is wrong with you?

Alistair nearly died. God!

Carly, what did you say to her? Nothing.

Maybe a small dose of the truth.

Will, seriously, you have to stop
cock-blocking with all this principled

shit. Simon, if Nelson Mandela hadn't
stood up for his beliefs, where would we

be now?

We wouldn't have Nelson's column for a
start.

Yes, we would. I'd better have a piss
before this starts.

And a poo, Si. What have you done?

Just my new look. What, the Pat Butcher
look?

I'd say more Pirates of the Caribbean.

Exactly. If the Pirates shopped at
Matalan.

Yeah, well, you won't be laughing when
I'm getting all the pussy cos I'm up on

the catwalk.

You're not going to be on the catwalk.
You are modelling.

On first reserve.

What, in case the models fancy
themselves so much they actually eat

themselves? Oh, you would if you could,
though.

What? Suck yourself off. That's not what
I meant.

Yeah, but I bet you've tried it.

We all have. I managed to lick the tip
once, but it took a lot of stretching.

Twice a day for a couple of weeks. Well,
thanks for sharing, Neil. Right, I've

got to go. I'm desperate for a piss.

Neil may have had dirty stretching
powers, but what he really needed was X

-ray vision.

Oh, what the fuck is this?

It's a curtain.

Where's all the birds? I thought there'd
be wall-to-wall parents hanging here.

Presumably they're on the other side of
the curtain. Well, why have they done

that? We can't see them getting
undressed now. For that exact reason,

Neil. Oh, fucking bollocks. That's a
spanner to my plan.

There's got to be a hole.

Come on, you're going to be getting my
clothes ready. Yeah, I think this is a

little bit more important.

You ready to go here, Simon?

Yeah, nearly ready. Great. We're having
an after-party in the common room later.

Mark Donovan's got some booze, so you'll
come to that, yeah? Oh, yeah, obviously.

Amazing.

I was washing my hands and it splashed
back onto my lap.

It's fine. Just make sure that
everything is spotless at the runway,

yeah?

I'm really sorry.

It's OK.

I've got a run. There's still a million
things to deal with.

Oh, Neil, do you know which boys are
dressing?

Boys? I thought I was dressing the
girls.

No, of course not. You and Mr Kennedy
are dressing the boys. You're the only

volunteers. See you later.

Oh, no.

Peter Kennedy?

I suppose at least if you run out of
space, you'd better hang the clothes on

the end of his red cock.

So, no naked girls for Neil, just a
sexual predator in a waistcoat.

Meanwhile, I was having difficulty
convincing proud parents to join my

boycott. Charity, not vanity!

Hello, stranger.

Charlotte. Hi.

Charlotte. Here.

Yeah, good spot.

Yes. Ha!

No, I mean, what are you doing here?

Well, I had a reading week, so I thought
I'd come home.

I didn't know this was your sort of
thing. You know, fashion.

Oh, it's not. I think it's shit and
everyone taking part in it is a vain,

talentless twat.

I'm in it. Apart from you.

And maybe Si.

Why did no-one tell me you're in it?

Well, I didn't know if I could make it,
so they put me down as, like, a special

guest or something really embarrassing,
just cos I once did some catalogue

modelling.

Underwear? No.

You are going to come watch me, though,
aren't you? Even though I'm a talentless

twat. Oh, yeah. No, no, I was only
joking about that. Oh, yeah, no, I'm

really behind this whole thing, taking
the money, helping set it up. Why are

you trying to ruin this event,
Mackenzie? Good timing.

Do you think kidney patients like me
should die? Is that it?

No. Come on, mate. That's a bit extreme.

Is he trying to stop you coming in, too?

No, I'm one of the models.

Oh, you must be Charlotte.

Oh, wow's a rooney.

Are you aware this weasel's trying to
stop people giving money to charity?

Well... No, that's not entirely correct.

Look, Alistair, why don't we go and have
a chat about this somewhere different,

eh? No, let's talk about it here. Wasn't
a request.

See you later, Charlotte.

What are you doing? Are you trying to
wheel me away?

This thing's got brakes, you know, you
can't just roll me off. You're trying to

sabotage this event.

I won't stand for it.

No, I won't stand for it.

I won't.

This is my special day and you're trying
to ruin it!

I'm going to go and get ready.

Well, I think I got away with that.

Brilliant. At the school fashion show,
Simon's big moment almost arrived, and

Neil didn't give a shit. Neil, can you
give me a hand, please?

Oh, mate, this is like torture. I spent
the last week thinking about the

snatches back there. I'm in a rush,
Neil. I reckon Sarah Bell's got lovely

big nipples, and I bet Jo Larkin shaves
her pubes. We can hear you, you pervert.

Who said that? It's on your curtain. We
can hear everything you're saying. Shit.

He's really sorry.

all of those voices.

It's Simon Cooper.

Do something, Neil.

Abby, get Sarah Bell's nipples.

Right, that's it. I'm getting a teacher.

Shit. Thanks, Neil. Good job.

All right, you've sanded the ponce.
What's going on here, then? Neil's

getting me shit.

They've got a curtain up so we can't see
the clunge. It's totally sexist. Ah, the

crafty fuckers.

They tried this when we did the school
play. We just cut a hole in the curtain

and stuck our knobs for it. It was well
horny. We was getting noshed off in

between scenes. We can still hear you.
And that never happened.

Simon, you're on, hon.

It's models only back here. Yeah, but
look.

Two. The left one looks infected. Please
hurry up, Simon. You're on next.

Can someone just help me with my fucking
cufflinks, please?

All right, precious.

I'll help you.

But if you haven't got them on in 30
seconds, I'm going out there in your

place. No, your girl said there was some
sort of problem back... Oh.

Come on. We'd better get you out of
these clothes.

But, sir, I'm not modelling.

Oh.

You should be.

So as Neil tried to swerve the advances
of a man who it seemed incredible the

school continued to employ, the world's
least stylish fashion show got underway.

Our first collections theme is Glamorous
Nights, and it's put together, in

correct tense, by Carly D'Amato.

Modelling, that should be two L's, these
gorgeous outfits are the equally

gorgeous, Christ, who wrote this?

Stephen DeBell, Richard Murray and Simon
Cooper.

I'm not sure what the word for the
opposite of cool is, but I think I know

what it looks like.

Sadly, I couldn't enjoy Simon's dreadful
modelling for long. I had a two-wheeled

nightmare on my case.

Mackenzie!

You try anything like that again, I
will... Asda, I think we got off on the

wrong foot.

Is that meant to be a joke about the
chair?

I can walk, you know. I just get tired
easy. No, no, no, it's not that. I think

we just differ on ways to raise money. I
happen to think that this is exclusive

and about vanity.

And I happen to think you're a wanker.

It's not very mature, is it?

Even in this chair, I could kick your
arse. I could kick your arse right in.

How?

Let's not make a scene. Come on!

Hey! You're mental!

It's mental! Fuck you!

Well, you've got to help me. Hi, sexy.

I was supposed to be modelling with Paul
Keenan, but he got so nervous he drank a

bottle of vodka and passed out in the
staff toilets.

Please, will you take his place?

Me?

Erm... He won't do it. He thinks it's
exclusive vanity.

Right. No, he's talking shit. It's the
painkillers. Of course I'll do it.

Great. What?

You hypocrite!

Ow! OK, right, you. Time for sleep.

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Come on.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine. He gets very grumpy
when he's tired.

Yes, this is going really well.

Amazingly, no cock up so far. Oh, well
done. You've mastered walking like a

knob and looking like a dick at the same
time. This is actually enjoyable.

In an I'm shitting myself kind of way.
If you shit yourself in them trousers, I

ain't touching them. Of course I
haven't. You walk like you have. Neil,

quick. I need help getting dressed.

You are dressed. No, dressed into
something else. This. For the fashion

show. I'm modelling in the fashion show.

Well, that's not happening. I'm first
reserve.

No, no.

What's up with you? I thought this was
the worst sort of vanity.

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.
Somebody pulled out and Charlotte asked

me to fill in. So give me the clothes.

Oh, right, now it makes sense. One flash
of Charlotte's tits and your morals go

out the window. Well, we can discuss my
morals later, after I get these fucking

jeans on. God, they're tight.

I mean, it can't be comfortable to walk
around in jeans this tight every day,

can it? Here, let me help.

What is this fucking banging out of
order?

On first reserve? It was me Charlotte
wanted. She chose me. That's the only

reason I'm doing it. Yeah, well, they'll
be sorry.

I'll show them. Columbine massacre show
them or futile gesture show them?

Whatever's worse.

Um, Neil, you just brushed my penis
there. Yeah.

That's the second time. Yeah, I know.

Of course, the only reason I was taking
part in the fashion show was to get my

penis brushed, but by Charlotte, not
Neil.

Oh, I don't want to get ready so
quickly.

Exciting, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Look, I
just wanted to say, I'm really pleased

you picked me. It means a lot.

Didn't have a choice, really, did I?

Didn't you?

No, we had to find someone to fit the
clothes, and I was like, who do I know

that's really short?

Oh. And then, obviously, I thought of
you.

Is that really the reason?

No, not really.

Then let me choose who I wanted, and I
chose you.

Oh, thanks, Charlotte.

Although it did have to be someone
short.

Right. And the next theme is 70s disco.

Oh, brilliant.

I'm a principled man, and one of those
principles turns out to be I'll do

literally anything a girl I fancy asks
me to.

All right, I'm willing to admit I also
got a bit carried away.

But they do say a woman can tell a lot
about what a man's like in bed from the

way he dances.

Which meant that if I did pull
Charlotte, she'd be expecting surprising

enthusiasm, a lot of finger work, and an
abrupt stop when I remembered where I

was.

Meanwhile, backstage, Neil was finally
experiencing some job satisfaction.

Oh, fucking hell, we're lost.

Simon, there's been a slight change of
plan.

Chris Yates was meant to be wearing this
for my sexy finale, but he's just taken

off his shirt and his back is
disgustingly hairy, so I sacked him. I

thought this was for charity.

You know when you get loads of hair
caught around the plug hole in the bath

and it gets all matted and wet?

Yeah? Yeah, well, his back looked like
that. It nearly made me vomit, so he's

sacked. Anyway, it means that I need you
to wear this instead for the sexy

finale.

Are they Speedos?

Simon, you've been brilliant all night.
Plus, you've got a great body.

Please? For me?

Of course. Thanks.

See you out there. You've got one
minute.

This is so fucking unfair.

So I'm not even second reserve now?
Who's she going to ask next? Big job!

Well, do you want to wear the Speedos?

No!

Oh, what's the point?

Ah! Oh, mate, your ear don't look great.
It's covered in pus.

Oh, fucking hell, I'd better get this
looked at.

Good luck, boner. Try not to get a
stiffy in them Speedos.

He's right. You're in trouble, Si. I
nearly shot my bolt just looking at her

and all she was doing was standing there
being moany. Did you hear what she said?

She thinks I've got a great body. If I
could just do this one thing for her,

who knows what could happen? I know.
You'll get a boner in front of the whole

school and in speedos there is no hiding
it. Trust me.

I'll sit here a couple of minutes.

I can do it.

I can do this.

Simon, are you ready yet?

Can you give me a hand, Neil?

Nah, you're alright.

It was so amazing, so brilliant. I could
not have done it without you. How was

it? He was brilliant!

Was he?

Yeah, he was all like, yay!

Yay!

It wasn't entirely yay.

Come on, Simon, we're on.

Are you all right? Please don't distract
me.

Simon was concentrating so hard on not
getting a boner that his oblivious talk

can only be described as quite a serious
wardrobe malfunction.

I love that. Seriously, thank you, Will.
I'm so grateful.

Oh, it was nothing. Just what was left
of my dignity.

Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad.

And what other guy would have done that
for me?

I mean, uni's great, but there's no one
there like you. Shut up. No, seriously.

All I want is a boyfriend like you. I
mean, you're funny and you're sweet and

you're kind to me. I think I'd be happy
if I had someone in my life just like

you.

Well, what about me?

No, no, not you. No, no, someone like
you.

You're so funny.

Not you, obviously.

Come on, lovely, let's go for a drink.
No,

I'm OK, thanks.

I'll just wait here, I think. OK, come
on.

Nice one, twat face. Good dancing.

All that whining and complaining for
what? Nothing. You're what they call a

sanctimonious prick.

Yes, well, good to talk to you again,
Al. Is that all?

No.

I hope one day you get serious on this
too.

Oh, fuck off, Alistair, you dick!

You're a dick!

You're a dick!

You were great. Yeah, a bit of a weird
reaction. It wasn't meant to be funny,

it was meant to be glamorous.

You're a dick! No, you're a dick! You're
a dick! Come on, calm down.

Don't spoil a good evening.

We've put on a great show and we've
raised a hell of a lot of money, haven't

we, Carl's? You know your testicle's
sticking out. What?

Is that why everyone was laughing?

Has it been out the whole time?

Oh, my God, you've been walking behind
me, mocking me.

You've ruined my big night. I thought
you liked me, you arsehole. Hey, hey,

Carlos, it's all right. It's cool. Come
on. Look, Carly, listen, please. That

was fun. You looked super sexy.

A bit overdramatic.

It's only a bollock. Fucking hell, I'm
going to kill Neil.

Didn't you feel a draft?

Yeah, it was tingling, but I thought it
was nerves.

Oh, God, do you think people saw?

Yes. It was eye level for most of the
audience.

Oh, God, no!

No! I suppose you thought that was
funny, did you?

Well, your little joke's got you in a
lot of trouble.

Honestly, it wasn't a joke.

No, there is nothing funny about
testicles, Cooper, as you'll discover

tomorrow in my office.

What?

Sorry, sir, that sounds a bit weird.

No, it didn't.

See me tomorrow.

It did sound weird. And talking of
weird... Right, then, let's get you out

of these clothes.

Sir, I told you, I'm not modelling.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You are.

You are. I had word with the man.

The man said... The show finished ten
minutes ago.

Oh.

You've been drinking, sir.

Come on, Tom. Let's go and get you some
fresh air.

Putting my fucking neck on the line with
you, John. So we headed home.

Simon haven't learned at least one
thing.

Never put on Speedos in a rush.

I mean, why'd you agree to wear it in
the first place?

Carly told me to. Even with your whole
sack covered, you'd look ridiculous.

Speedos, DMs, top hat and a leash.

What maniac designed that?

Who thought, you know what's
fashionable?

Dressing like an upper-class mental
patient.

Hi. Did you get that boner then, Si?

No. Oh, well done. But my left bollock
was sticking out the entire time.

Fucking hell, I'm lucky.

I blame you.

All right, guys.

How's your ear, Jay?

Perfect. That's why I got to wear this
massive bandage. I suppose that's your

modelling career, fuck, then. He never
had a modelling career.

Yeah, but I'm not bothered, cos I fucked
the nurse that looked after me. The St

John's ambulance lady?

Yes. Isn't she Warren Dunkley's nan?

No, there was another one that looked
like Lucy Pinder. Of course there was.

Are we going to this party, then? I'm
definitely not going.

Normally, I think I'd burst into tears.

Oh, what, cos you're so unpopular?

No, Neil, because of Charlotte.

Oh, what happened with her, then? She
basically told me I had no chance at

all, ever. Yeah, well, I told you that.

Yeah, but funny enough, it hurt more
coming from her.

You know I snogged her once?

No, I did not know that!

I could have sworn I told you. I think I
would have remembered such crushing

news. Oh, well, don't worry, it was
after you. That makes it worse. Yeah,

now it's like a betrayal, too.

Was it just a snog?

Neil, please!

Yeah, of course, mate, of course. Just a
snog. Well, that's something.

I'd learned a few things that week
myself.

None good or bad.

Jay's driving is worse than his fashion
sense.

Neil is catnip for pedos. Just because
you've only got one kidney doesn't mean

you're not a total dick.

And Simon has extremely hairy balls.

I'm singing and I'm singing Why can't I
stay like this?