All language subtitles for The Inbetweeners 2014

Greetings, muggles.

Oh, my fucking god, he fell for it. I
told you, it's not really fancy dress,

you dick.

Oh, what?

No way.

These are the jokers from my course I
was telling you about. You lot.

Although, technically, I didn't fall for
it, as there's no way I could have

known. Whoa, where do you think you're
going?

Into the party.

You're dressed like Harry Potter.

There's no way you're coming in here,
you fucking plum.

You could at least have come as someone
sexy.

Mine is sexy.

What a twat.

Mental.

Guys?

Guys? Oh, piss off, Harry.

Well, this is a disaster.

I've come down from Sheffield for this.

It's okay.

We'll still have a good weekend.

Oh, there's a pub I love just down the
road. I'm wearing a gym skirt.

It's a student town. No one will care.

And no pants.

Right-o.

Right, Si.

Nudges. Who the fuck? Sorry, sorry. I'm
so sorry.

Fuck me, what a waste of a weekend.

I thought you said they were your best
mates at uni?

Yeah. Don't worry, I've found us some
mates. I've got this amazing app called

Grindr. Made loads of new mates through
it.

Oh my gosh, you never guess what.

Someone's immediately sent you a penis
shot? Nah, just got an email from Jay.

No way. Wait, listen to this.

Dear Neil, you fucking weapon.

As you know, I'm on a mental gap year in
Australia.

As they say over here. So I thought I'd
email you. Not because I miss you lot,

but because this place is a million out
of ten and you'll be well, Jill.

Life has never been better.

It's certainly much better than when I
was going out with Jane, who I now no

longer think about.

I'm living near a town called Sydney and
working at the most mental club in

Australia called Revolutions.

I am now their premier number one DJ.

The name of DJ Big Penis, which everyone
agrees is the perfect name.

I've made so much cashola, which is
Australian for money, that I've bought

myself a fuck-off mansion and filled it
full of pussy.

And like Will's mum's appetite for cock,
it's enormous.

Before that, I was living with my uncle
Brian, who's my dad's cousin, although

he is tragic and obviously not as cool
as my dad.

What's that?

Anyway... It will come as no surprise to
you the number of Aussie birds I'm

rooting, which is Australian for
knobbing.

They're total filth and fuck like
kangaroos. All big teeth, bouncing and

wet pouches.

I make love to them with a technique I
like to call the one-punk orgasm.

They absolutely love it.

Name an Aussie bird and I fucked her.

Elle Macpherson, check.

Dame Edna Everidge, check.

Kylie and Danny Minogue freeway.

I've done that ten minutes after getting
off the plane.

And mates.

I've made loads of cool new mates who
come round for dinner and that. But

really, it's all about the birds.

Aussie sheilas just can't get enough of
Jay.

Especially the supermodels.

Who, by the way, love it up the shitter.

I've been woken up by a blowjob from a
different girl every single morning.

You can imagine what that's like.

Waking up every morning to a blowy.

They keep it so clean, I haven't had to
wash my cock in weeks.

Basically, everything's better than when
I was with Jane, who, as I mentioned, I

no longer think about.

On the minor side, I've had to punch out
a few koala bears, normally when they

drop out the trees and try to fight me.

Bug!

Bug it!

But other than that, it's been Bonza,
which is Australian for fucking

brilliant. Come and stay any time you
like. I guarantee I'll get you sucked

drier than Simon's mum's fanny.

Say hello to those other two dozy pricks
if you see them. Tell your Ben Daddy

still can't bum me.

Oh, and tell your fit sister that I'd
like to... Oh, no, come on. What does it

say? It says I'd like to chew on those
massive juicy burger nipples of hers,

reach my thumb round and... Oh, no,
that's too much.

Oi, get off!

Oi!

Oh, there's more?

Flip her over.

What's a lovely email? Spill it down her
face, over her back.

Clunge, wellies, anal, anal, anal. This
goes on a bit, doesn't it?

Australia sounds like a right laugh. Not
like hanging out with you two.

I wish I'd gone to Australia this
weekend instead of shitty Bristol.

You do know Australia's on the other
side of the world?

Doubt it. Excuse me, mate. You all
right?

Alas, something decent.

Is this seat taken?

Oh, yes. Sorry, it is.

Have you got any friends at university?

Of course I have, Simon. I'm just lucky
that I've managed to not get tullied

down to a clique or a group, meaning I'm
free to hang out with anyone and

everyone. Or no one.

Coming from the man who changed
universities just to be with his

girlfriend. I've got mates other than
Lucy.

Pete, for one.

Who's Pete?

Pete from my halls. I must have
mentioned Pete.

Pete. Pete, my best mate.

My best mate at uni.

I mean, I do spend a lot of time with
Lucy, although she has changed a bit

since we were on holiday.

And, well, what's the word when
someone's not nicer?

Nastier? Yeah, I think that's it. Maybe.

She's nastier.

Right. Out.

You're barred. Barred?

What? Why?

That.

So we're all on the same page. That's
me, Will McKenzie, seemingly Bristol

University's least popular
undergraduate.

And that's my friend Simon, who's got
university relationship problems of his

own. Who's this fucking slut, Kirsty
Scott?

Lucy, are you on my Facebook again?

Goodbye, whore.

Simon, swear on your hoodie you're not
going to cheat on me.

What? Oh, no, please, Lucy, that's my
favourite.

Lucy. Sorry, Simon, but I just have to
be sure.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, Cuddles.

And finally, there's Neil.

At least he's made a new friend.

Master.

I don't know what brand of shower gel
Neil uses, but I suspect it might be

Pedigree Charm.

And as we headed back to my room, if I'd
assumed watching some low-level

bestiality would be the low point of my
night, I was wrong.

Oh, not again.

Is your room in space?

Thank you, arseholes.

I've done a pretty good job, to be fair.

I fucking hate it here.

To be honest, I'm glad I chose not to do
uni.

More reality than a choice.

Exactly. Maybe we should go to
Australia.

And surprise the fuck out of Jay.

I was joking.

Why? It's got to be better than hanging
around old men's pubs and dressing up as

magic. Yeah, we've got four weeks off
for Easter and I'm dreading spending it

with Lucy.

Can we afford it?

Well, they invented student loans so
students could go on holiday.

And I've got a sweet bonus this month.
Apparently I'm the cleverest non-Asian

in the department.

I suppose I have always wanted to go
travelling.

I think I'd be really good at it. Do it
properly. Not like Jay. How can you be

good at it? Well, he's staying in one
place. I'd explore.

Meet people. Come back a better and more
rounded person.

He's getting sucked off every morning.

Fuck it, I'm in.

So goodbye, shitty Bristol.

I was off to Australia.

Now, Petal, you know how much I worry,
so I've got you a special holiday gift.

Oh, thanks, Mum.

It's a rape alarm.

What do you think is going to happen to
me?

Well, Petal, I think you might get
raped.

Right. Sweetie, I'm just saying, it's
better to have a rape alarm and not need

it than to get gang-raped in an alleyway
by men you may have, however innocently,

led on.

Ah, hello, everyone.

Hello, Kevin.

Are you sorry to see them leave?

Actually, as Handle Neil's going away,
give me a chance to get some men in to

decorate his bedroom.

That's our flight.

I'm going to miss you, Betel.

Oh, no.

Yes, all right, get off.

Be very careful, soldier, OK?

Your mum looks fit when she cries. Thank
you.

I bet she looked amazing when your dad
left her.

Brilliant.

Off we went, running away from our
problems.

All I knew about Australia was that if
it could bite you, sting you, or eat you

alive, then it probably lived there.

But nothing had prepared us for the
beauty of Sydney Harbour, and Neil was

particularly impressed.

What the fuck is that?

What? That fucking thing.

The Sydney Opera House? Nah, that thing,
the spaceship.

The spaceship, there.

Well, that's the sightseeing done. We
need to find this club.

Hang on, got signal now. Google map into
the rescue.

It's this way.

No way, that just cost me 20 quid. Data
roaming charges are pre-extortion at

broad nil. Why don't you stand still
then?

That's not really how it works.

Another 20 quid? I'm not roaming now,
you useless piece of shit. Just switch

it off, Nick.

Thanks a lot, Si. It's fucked now. Not
sure that was strictly my fault.

We left the harbour to find Jay, to see
if he really was getting sucked off

every morning.

Cannot wait to see DJ Big Penis Rock in
the house.

No, nor can I.

Have you ever taken a backpack or a
suitcase to a nightclub? No, of course

you haven't. Look as you're not a
fucking idiot.

Hey!

Let me hear something.

We had nowhere to stay.

And surprisingly, Big Penis wasn't the
club's premier number one DJ.

I don't get it. He said he worked here.

He also said he knocked out a koala and
fucked him in the nose. Legend.

He's not here. We'll have to spend the
night in a hostel.

One hostel's a bit pikey.

Hostels are how everyone does it, Simon.
They're full of interesting people who

are travelling.

Like us. I don't know, Will. We went to
visit my uncle Paul in a hostel when he

had cancer.

Wasn't very cool, if I'm being honest.

It also wasn't Arsenal.

Fine. If it's only one night, I suppose.

Yeah, at least there might be some sexy
nurses there. There won't be.

Quick pizzle first.

That's it, sir. Wash your fingers for
the mingers.

No Splash, no Gash, no Armani, no
Panani, no Dolce & Gabbana, no Sucky or

Banana.

Jay! Jay!

Oh, fuck. Jay?

Don't think so, pal. The name's Bruce.

What? Shut up, Jay.

Sorry, fellas. I've never heard of this
bloke, Jay.

Oh. It's clearly not him. Let's go. So
you're not Jay? I told you it's Bruce,

you fucking drongo.

Have you got Jay's face?

Nah. And your sign says, Jay's pussy
juice dollar a squirt.

Coincidence. Okay, what's happened to
Jay? Is this a wind-up?

Course it's a bloody wind-up.

100% murked. The looks on your faces.

You prize bellends. I can't believe you
fell for that.

We didn't. It is you, Jay. Epic pants.

All right, Neil, calm down.

Good to see you, man.

Yes, just to clear one thing up, though,
you do work in a toilet, don't you? I

can see going to uni hasn't made you any
less of a retard, because I don't work

in a fucking toilet.

Why are you working in a toilet, then?

It's a joke.

Don't worry, it probably went over your
heads.

Whoosh.

I'll run this whole club. I'm my own
boss.

Boss of the toilet. Well, drinks are on
you, then.

What, now?

Yeah, now.

Yeah, great.

Perfect.

Jay's story made complete sense.

If I ran a nightclub, I'd definitely
dress like a snooker player and hang out

in the toilets.

I cannot wait to hear all the mad bents
you've been having. Oh, mate, the bents

in Australia are legendary.

Obviously, that's because I've been
delivering most of the bents. I'm like

banter cloth.

I've got bents.

No, jeez.

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God!

What? You don't recognise me, do you?

Katie? Katie Evans from prep school. Oh,
maybe you do remember.

I'll never forget that sleepover we had
at Lloydy's house.

I don't remember that one. No, nor me.
How amazing to see you. What an

incredibly small world.

I don't know. It seems like every kid
from the home counties is out here doing

a gap year.

Yeah, what cliche.

So what are you up to?

I'm doing a gap year.

The standard, India once, India twice,
love, heartbreak, silent retreat,

Thailand, scuba diving, broken foot,
Nepal, volunteering, volcanoes,

Indonesia, healers, Reiki, cafes, tears,
revelations, amazing people, amazing

conversations, unforgettable and
life-changing experiences.

You? I'm visiting my friend who works in
a toilet.

Oh, you always made me laugh, you
nutter. What are you really doing?

Travelling. Out here for four weeks.

Oh, so you're on holiday.

No, shuffling, I think.

So what have you been up to about me,
then? Must have been shit.

I've been at uni.

Nice, Ben. Neil, what about you? You
been getting your dick wet?

I went swimming.

No, with fanny juice.

Oh, right. No, not really. I worked in a
garage for a bit, now I'm working in a

bank. Oh, yeah, you know your cousin
Michelle?

Yeah. I fingered her.

Neil. Tell me you're not staying in
Sydney, are you? It's so banker.

No. I'm going to, um... Where is it
you're going? Byron Bay. It is awesome.

I've got this job there selling these
excursions, like whitewater rafting,

ziplining, Bundy.

I was actually just flyering to raise
some cash for the bus tomorrow.

Oh, well, it's been nice to see you.

What? No, I haven't seen you in ages.

Why do you come to Byron?

You're inviting me.

Of course I'm inviting you.

Come to Byron. Look, you would love the
vibe. It's so you. It's just totally

chill. Really, I'd love to, but I'll
have to ask the others.

I'll convince them.

Is that them over there?

No, no, that's not them.

I'm sure my actual friends will be up
for it. Yay, amazing!

Right, well, I will see you tomorrow
then.

What? Nothing.

See you later, alligator.

Love it.

I'll see you on the bus tomorrow.

Who was that?

Katie Evans from junior school.

Definitely my first love.

That is well Jimmy Savile. She's just an
old friend. That you want to have sex

with. I think she might want to have sex
with me too.

She kissed me on the lips.

Tongues? No, but that don't count. My
mum used to kiss me on the lips. Yeah,

when you were a child.

She couldn't have done it any other
time. She ran off when he was ten.

My point is, girls don't kiss people on
the lips. They don't fancy.

Nah, she's just one of those
mouth-kissing girls. I've met loads of

them at uni.

Have you?

Well, I met one, then Lucy punched her.
I'm not surprised that Briefcase has had

a sniff already.

Australia is the sex capital of the
world.

That's why I'm here.

You know why they call it Down Under?

It's because that's where your face
spends most of the time.

Banter? I spend plenty of time in the
bush, Neil. The bush around the puss

-haze. Bants.

Check these out.

My new bants.

What's that word, bants? I'm the
Archbishop of Banterbury. You're the

banterman of the opera. I don't get it.
Whoosh.

Bant and Beck. Someone needs tickets to
the banter mime. Eric Bant and I.

Just saying banter or bants over and
over again is not a substitute for

actual amusing conversation, you know.

Briefcase banter.

Jay, what are you doing? The shift
doesn't end for another four hours.

Good one, Lizzie. Get back to work.

I'll tell you what, you pretend to be my
boss, it'll be hilarious.

Anyway, come on, we'll get a go. Take
one step outside that door, you're

fucking sacked.

You mean you're sacked? I just sacked
you.

Don't play the prick. You can't sack me.
Just did, mate.

Anyway, I'll see you later. I've got to
go home. Don't think we can't find

another bottom feeder to wipe piss off
people's hands.

Good one, Lizzie.

I can't wait to see the mansion.

Can I have a room with a hot tub? Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

So this is the mansion?

A tent in your uncle's front garden?

It's only temporary.

My new fuckpad is still under
construction.

In your mind.

I can't believe I've traveled literally,
and I mean literally, literally, halfway

around the world to spend a month in a
two-man tent.

Jay!

You sweeped that veranda this morning?

Yes, Uncle Brian.

Who are these pale little bastards?

You butt-fucking boys in your tent.

No, Uncle Brian, these are my friends
from England.

Simon and Neil.

And? And Will.

Uncle Brian.

Cousin Shane. How's Australia treating
you fellas? Oh, what a place. So

interesting. Greatest fucking country on
earth.

I keep telling Jay that he should move
here, but he still won't. Too much of a

pussy, which is a shame, because we
could do with some white immigration for

a change.

Right. Jay's been telling us all about
the Sheilas he's been shagging. Has he?

Well, that's bullshit.

Closest this little run's come to some
badgers when the dog dripped period down

his leg, and don't pretend you didn't
get a boner.

Good one, Brian.

What's that?

Nothing, Uncle Brian.

Hey. Some nights for shits and giggles.
Me and Shane, eh? Shine the torch

through the tent. We can see him sitting
up, all silhouetted, like Mashnaway and

his little platypus.

You understand when I say platypus, I
mean cock, right? Yeah.

And guess what? He's gone and dug a hole
in the ground to fuck.

I'm just kidding.

It's a wormhole, because his dick's so
small. Get it?

But I'm not kidding about the hole. He
has got that, and a small dick, which he

fucks a hole in the ground with.

Right.

We should put our stuff in the tent.

Yeah, all right. I'll see yous later.

Hey, care if you don't fall in the flak
hole.

He's nice, isn't he? He's all right.
He's just... Australian?

Yeah. I'd say it's pretty obvious we
can't stay in here for four weeks.

I propose we go travelling.

Oh, my gosh. Think of the Bents.

Well, if we're going travelling, there's
only one place to go.

Ooh, Uluru?

The Great Barrier Reef? Fraser Island?

No, none of that boring shit.

Splash Planet?

I'm sorry?

Splash Planet?

The whole of Australia and you're
suggesting we visit what I presume is a

water park?

If you hadn't spent the last six months
at uni wanking off to Shakespeare, you'd

know that water parks are the ultimate
place to fuck girls.

Top scientists have proved that the high
water pressure on their clitties gives

them such a massive wide-on that when
they get off the rides, they're gagging

for it.

No word of a lie.

Some word of a lie. Where have these
scientists got their funding from? The

University of Sex?

Oh, fuck off. Oh, fucking leave me
alone.

Can I not just have one fucking day
without you abusing me?

Is that your mum?

No, Lucy.

Blurt my trainers.

You need to end it, Si.

I know.

I mean, I know.

Just get your dad to text her back and
tell her you've died. That's what I

normally do. Right.

I think at least I need to tell her to
her face.

My uncle's got Skype. You can go and
dump the nightmare now.

Oh, that's unfair.

You don't know her. Although she is a
fucking nightmare.

I'll do it, Si. No, it's all right. I'm
going.

Wish me luck.

Bad luck.

Close enough.

Oh.

Hey, beer?

No, thanks.

Is it okay to use the computer?

Yeah, of course it is, mate.

Jay's always on there chubby chasing.

Hmm.

Okay, I've worked it out. We want to go
travelling, you want to go to Splash

Planet, which means the best place to
stay is here, Byron Bay.

Oh, where Mouthkiss Bird is.

It's 20 minutes outside Splash Planet,
right on the beach, there's loads of

cool hostels, and it's an easy place to
get jobs should we need the money. I've

always wanted to be a dolphin trainer.

Have you? You should go to Splash
Planet. You'll definitely get that job

there. You won't, Neil.

Look, we're English, right? Just
finishing school in England makes us ten

times cleverer than any Australian.

We're like doctors or rocket science
blokes over here. You can get any job

you want. Even dolphin trainer?

Of course. You just turn up, tell them
you're English.

I am 100% certain that is not how you
get a job as a dolphin trainer.

Who's been living in Australia for
months, eh?

Me. That's who. Yes.

In a tent.

You calling your mummy for a goodnight
kiss?

Oh, no. I have to Skype my girlfriend.

You got a girlfriend?

Well done, mate. Looking at you. Oh,
fancy. I'm amazed.

What's wrong with her?

Um, nothing.

Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. Gives a
look at her.

Fuck me dead, she's gorgeous, mate.

Oh, right. Yeah, I suppose so.

Suppose. Mate, if that was my Sheila, I
wouldn't leave her side.

You're getting married, right?

Um, no.

No? Fuck me. Look at that. Then look at
you.

I mean, you could live to be a bee and
you'd never get a root better than that.

You know, we sometimes argue a bit and
we're quite young.

Cash your chips, mate.

That's the best you'll get ever.

At last, where have you been?

Haven't heard from you in days.

I've been on a plane.

That was yesterday, you fucking moron.

Look, I think we need to talk.

Checked your emails.

They're clean for now.

What's there to talk about?

Look, I wanted to say... Will you marry
me?

What was that?

No, no, what it was. Simon?

No, what it was was... Say it again.

What, will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my God, I thought you'd never ask.
No, wait a minute, Lucy.

What? What?

Nothing.

Congratulations, mate.

There he is.

Yay!

Well,

I can't go back home now. She didn't
take being dumped too well, then? Did

not dump her. Have agreed to marry her.

Oh, well done.

You bellend.

Genuine question, have I just fucked up
my entire life?

Course not.

Just because you promise people stuff
doesn't mean you have to do it.

I once told Comic Relief that I'd raise
three million quid for them by selling

selfies of my cock. In the end, didn't
bother. Right.

I mean, I'm not sure how that helps my
situation.

Just make something up.

Look, the drive up to Byron tomorrow is
about 12 hours. Well, think of

something. Drive?

I thought we were taking the bus.

Fuck that. I've got a car.

Boy off cousin Shane. And considering
it's an awesome custom job, he done me a

great deal.

Let's sleep on it.

I'd really like to get the bus, but I'm
sure we can reach a compromise.

Oh, right. You mean you're going to keep
talking until we do what you want?

No.

Oh, I wouldn't sleep there, Simon.

So compromise reached. The next day we
did what I wanted and headed to the bus

station, which was full of other cool
people traveling to Byron Bay.

The Darien Gap is really all that's left
of untouched jungle in the world.

I'm going to do South America. I might
try it. Yeah, you don't really try it.

It's a five-day trek and you only sleep
in hammocks. Man, I got the shit so bad,

they used up the whole group's medical
supplies treating me.

It's so dangerous that most guides, they
won't even take you. Yep, I found that.

Shame. So I just walked it by myself,
unaccompanied.

Unaccompanied? I thought that was
illegal.

It is, yeah.

But it's just, it's better that way
because you meet the real locals and

there's none of that luxury bullshit
like hammocks and medical supplies. So

if you do get the shits, or malaria,
like I did, then you just get on with

it. Do you know what I mean?

Wow, what an experience.

Sounds incredible.

Amazing stuff.

I'm Will, by the way.

You know, I used to have long hair too.
Not dreads, but pretty long.

Yep. Had it all cut just before we came
out travelling.

Well, that's an interesting story.

Well, you made it.

Byron, here we come.

So you've met the rest of the gang,
then? Yeah, yeah, we were just chatting

about South America and my experiments
with hairstyles and shit. You know,

classic travelling shit. Well, I've got
you that McFlurry and Jay says get a

fucking move on.

Oh, so are you guys travelling too?

Yeah. Yeah? It's my second foreign
holiday in a year.

First we all went Malia. We went
ironically.

It was brilliant. They had jet skis you
could rent. Wow.

Do tell us more.

Well, they're like motorbikes without
wheels, but on water, yeah.

Good one.

I'm Neil Sutherland, as it goes.

Ben. Is that your whole name?

No. Oh.

Does it matter? It's Ben Thornton Wild.

Which one?

What? Which one? Thornton or Wild?

It's Double Barrel.

Oh, so you just choose one depending on
how you're feeling?

No, no, those are both my last name.

What?

Shut up. That is mental. Well, Bennu has
got two last names, but it's actually

just one name. Have you heard of that?

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of that.

Finally.

Are you coming, then? Me?

Oh, no.

I thought you were coming north with me.

Yeah, just not on the bus. My friends
wanted to travel by car, so... So you've

been waiting at a bus station for ages
in your backpack, even though you're

going by car?

That's a bit weird, isn't it?

Yeah. See you in Byron!

So off we went. We didn't know exactly
how to get to Byron Bay, so we just

followed the bus that Katie was on.

Perhaps a little too closely.

She looks well freaked out. Do you think
that might have anything to do with the

car? Doubt it.

Actually, I have a few questions about
the car. Fire away.

One, just why did you buy it?

Arnie did a cool set of wheels and Shano
did me a deal. Two, is Shano a big Peter

Andre fan?

Shano's not stupid. The birds love Peter
Andre. I'm not sure anyone loves

anything enough to have sex with Shano.

What are you talking about?

He got so much anal in him, he had to
hose down the footwell.

This is the classic Aussie shagging
wagon. Is it? It's the fuck truck. The

mobile virgin conversion unit? Yeah, we
should use it on Will.

Brilliant.

I can't wait to get a job training
dolphins, even though it is pretty bad

how they're treated. Did you know all
they feed them is raw fish?

Oh, that is grim.

I'd puke if all I ate was fish.

It's bang out of order. Imagine it, just
raw fish.

Their diet is fish. Yeah, because that's
all they're given.

But also because that's what they eat.
It's so cruel, you know, no burgers, no

KFC, no Nando's on birthdays, nothing.

How would you like it?

Well, if all I ate was fish, I probably
wouldn't mind it. All right, yes or no,

how would you like to just eat raw fish?

Well, if I was a dolphin. Yes or no?

Look, you can't compare us. Yes or no?
These people are marine biologists. Yes

or no? It's not us. Only raw fish. Yes
or no?

No. Correct.

Brian Bain, next left.

Finally, we made it to Byron Bay, and
I've never seen anywhere like it. It was

buzzing with life.

Or, in Jay's opinion, absolutely round
full of bellends.

But if there was one place where a car
featuring Peter Andre and a pair of tits

wouldn't raise an eyebrow, it was the
Arles Factory Lodge Hostel.

Okay, Jay, please park the car where no
one can see it.

Nope.

Oh, Ben!

Ben, mate!

Man, I meant man. Oh, hey, guys, how's
the holiday?

What's on the tourist itinerary for
tomorrow?

Ha, that's funny, man. You know we're
not tourists.

Splash planet. I'm gonna get a job
working with dolphins.

I'm prepared to start at the bottom,
work my way up. Like father, like son?

Is Dad spent?

Gonna begin with the easy stuff, you
know, like cleaning out the cages and

that. So participating in the
enslavement of animals.

Wow, have you guys even heard of
ethically travelling?

Is that with Ryan Gosling?

Okay, we'll see you around.

Yeah, great.

When?

What? Oh, I just wondered when you'd see
us around.

Have you had a good time?

It's a vigorous speech. Cool.

Catch you later, mate.

Mate. Man.

Man.

He's all right, isn't he?

No, not really.

The hostel was laid back, cool, and the
kind of place where anything goes.

Anything except, it seemed, deodorant.

It smells a bit in here.

Shotgun.

Unlucky, top bunk wankers.

Fuck off, Neil. I want some little
hearty above me, not your rotten

arsehole. I just want to be Neil.

I've been thinking about it. Do we
really need to go to Splash Planet?

Yes. Yes, we do. But it's so tacky and
gaudy and full of idiots.

It's my lifetime's ambition.

You first mentioned it yesterday.

Don't kill my dreams, Will. Oh, hello,
nutter. You made it.

So, what are you up to tomorrow?

Any plans?

We thought we might travel somewhere
ethical and Aboriginal.

Cave. Oh, that's a shame. I'm going to
Splash Planet. It looks brilliant.

It does, doesn't it?

You just said it was tacky. What?

Shut up. You said it was full of idiots.

Are you an idiot, Katie?

Don't be funny.

Stop being so funny, you guys. Well, I
must be an idiot then, because I think

it looks amazing.

I can get you tickets if you like.

Really? Fantastic.

Four, please. Cool, done.

Right, I'm going to go and sit by the
fire. Do you fancy coming?

Yeah, I just need to Skype home first,
though. My mother worries.

Crazy. Right, well, I'll see you in a
bit, then.

You alright?

Wait, I'm thinking.

About what? Wait.

What is it?

I'm trying to think if anyone's ever
said anything less cool to a girl than

my mother worries.

Bye.

Splash Planet wasn't one of the great
Australian tourist attractions, but it

did have one sight I wanted to see.

Katie in a bikini.

First, I just had to Skype the other
woman in my life.

Really? I'm a senior mum for six months.
I need to refresh the image in the wank

bank. Surely watching Simon dump Lucy
has to be more fun than this. Nothing's

more fun than your mum.

Hello, Dolly. I can't see you.

Yeah. You've not got your video on. Same
as every time.

Where's the button?

Where it always is. Where I have to
point you every single time we Skype.

Yeah. Then we have to move the camera
down, remember?

What camera?

Come on, we've done this. The camera is
on top of the laptop. Just tip the lid

forward. How's that?

Move it up!

Oh, is that Neil?

Fuck off!

Well, don't be rude to your friends. He
gets blunt grumps when he gets tired.

Just move the camera back!

Finally.

Look, I just wanted to check in, tell
you I've actually met some great new

people. Oh, is Grandma staying over?

No, why would you say that?

You've got two bowls and two mugs out
for breakfast.

Oh, yes, I have.

So who's staying over?

Your grandma.

You just said she wasn't. Did I?

I think it must be the connection,
darling. Yeah, that was a terrible

connection. You're breaking up.

I love you. Speak soon.

She's getting fucked, I reckon.

Meanwhile, it was second time lucky for
Simon. The only way this Skype with Lucy

could go worse than the first was if he
somehow got her pregnant.

Hello, baby boo.

I love you.

Lucy? Come on. No, you say it.

No. Look, Lucy, there's something I need
to do right now. Oi, oi.

Put it away, there are elderly people
present. What the fuck?

Just popped round to see our new
daughter-in-law.

Simon, we're so delighted for you.

You'll have to start the planning as
soon as you get back, I suppose.

Yes, thanks for stating the fucking
obvious. Oi, this is a happy occasion.

It's okay, it's an emotional time.

Come on, Pam, let's leave these
lovebirds to it. Now, don't you two get

carried away.

Me and your mum have seen plenty of
videos that start like this on the

internet.

Plenty. Alan, please.

They're so nice.

They're fucking idiots.

Well, we've all agreed on a date, so
that's good.

You set a date?

And I've got all my bridesmaids sorted.

I just hope Jane will come back from
Australia.

No, Lucy, I'm in Australia, not Jane,
remember?

I'm not fucking senile, Simon.

I know you're there.

She's there too.

Why didn't you mention it?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I forgot I'm meant to give you
minute-by-minute updates on my friends'

movements. OK, so Suzanne is moving in
with Steve because she's missed her

period, and Louise is back in Coventry
because she's self-harming again.

Is that enough detail?

Yes, that's great. Thank you.

The vibe at the hostel was incredible,
and it was clear we weren't at home

anymore. Things were different, and it
was nice to see that Simon, Neil, and

especially Jay were embracing this new
environment.

Oh, no. Why is there always some cunt
with a guitar?

If anyone starts playing the bongos, I'm
leaving.

The bongos start burning the place down.

Open your minds, guys. We're backpacking
now. Get into the backpacking vibe.

Vibe? We're by a fire listening to some
posh prick play guitar. How much more

backpacking can it get? Please don't
ruin this for me.

Katie!

Nudges.

Enjoy the trip? Are you okay?

Yep, yep, totally fine.

Come on, man.

Looks like you've got front row seats.

Yeah, lucky me. At least you're here to
cheer me up, though. Hi.

Katie, can I play you a song?

No, I'm good, thanks.

God, that guy can be such a dick.

Really? Yeah.

Look at him.

He always has to be the center of
attention.

Yeah. How can anyone wear that many
friendship bracelets?

No one's got that many friends.

And how's giving someone a stinking
piece of old string a show of

friendship? I know, right? I mean, I
only wear, what, like seven?

Actually, I made one for you. Do you
want it?

Yeah, great. I love these.

Okay, Katie, this is your last chance.
What can I play for you?

How about The Sound of Silence?

What the fuck?

Oh, Jay, you know Jane's in Australia,
right?

What? Who?

You remember the fat bird that dumped
you? She did not fucking dump me, Neil.

But you cried? Yeah, tears of joy,
probably.

Yeah, well, Lucy told me Jane's here in
Australia.

So? Like I give a shit.

Weird, though, isn't it?

Amazing coincidence.

Maybe she's come to get you back.

She should be so lucky. You know the
first rule of banter brigade?

You're only allowed one fatty.

Ha!

No, that is a very funny joke, though,
but no.

What is it again? I know it, but I've
just forgotten for a minute.

All the Fs? Oh, yeah. Find them, fuck
them, forget them.

No, Neil.

All the Fs.

Find them, Frenchy them, get them
frothy, finger them, frig them, film

them, flange them, flick them, fanny
fart them, fuck them, frot them, fist

them, felch them, finish with them, and
then finally forget about them. Just

like what I'd done with Jane, or
whatever her name was.

Sorry, I switched off after frig. You're
saying you aren't bothered about Jane

being here?

No. Did you know that laughter is
intensely spiritual?

So that means that you're very
spiritual.

Would you say you're spiritual?

Um... It's quite a vague way to describe
a whole person. Could you just narrow it

down at all?

So, what I'm saying, right, is that I
think you're spiritual.

Yep. And I'm saying that's great.

Really great.

But what do you mean by that? I don't
want to sign up for something I'm not.

Oh, okay.

Actually... I've had a thing about it,
and I am spiritual.

I knew it!

Do you want to get drunk?

I'm a goon. Yes, please.

Do you really not know Jamie's in
Australia?

Don't talk bollocks, Si. If I'd known
that, why would I have come here?

Because you want to get her back?
Because you miss her?

Is your lip all right?

No.

She's at the water park, isn't she?
That's why you want to go there.

I made a mistake, all right?

I made a mistake and I'm trying to make
it better.

Why didn't you go and see her before?

I was building up to it.

And now you're here, I'm going to do it.
So just don't fucking tell anyone.

Tell anyone what? About your dad's world
record.

My dad's got a world record? Yeah.

Most dogs' cocks in one mouth.

Hey, hey.

It's the dudes.

How are we, dudes?

Am I right in thinking my young friends
might be up for a little... Darts?

I don't think they got bored.

You're quite so funny, Nu.

In your mind if I skin her?

As if.

See, Stephen?

Nobody fucking minds.

That's right, run away from our problems
like you always do.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fucking leave me alone. Oh, God, do
I really have to marry that lunatic?

Well, I asked her, so yes, I have.

God, how has this happened?

Marriage, Rose, yeah?

Dr. Dews prescribes a toque of justice
finest.

A friend with weed is a friend indeed.

Um, right, cheers.

Sorry. What?

I'm a fucking mess.

She's cutting up all my hoodies.

Oh, God.

Ah, yes!

Oh, fucking hell, mate. You are the full
package. You're funny and spiritual.

I can't believe you're single.

It is hard to believe, but I am single.

I don't know when you're joking or when
you're not, but let me tell you, if you

could play guitar, I would jump you
right now.

Actually, I can play guitar.

Fuck off!

I've had a lot of time on my own at uni
to practice.

Fucking knockout! Go on then, mate, give
us a song.

Okay.

Hey, Ben, man.

Can I have a go, man?

Wow. Well,

you don't really have a go with a
guitar.

It's not in front of as many people.

I just want to play a song for a friend,
for Katie.

Sure you got this?

Yeah, I think so.

There's quite a lot of people, so...
Yeah, I can handle it.

Okay, well, just go for it, man. I'm
trying to.

Just take the guitar.

Remove your hand from the neck of the
guitar, then. Thank you.

Thanks, man.

This is a slight change of mood, but I
hope you like it.

The first time ever I saw your

face.

What is he doing?

It's weird, I don't like it.

Trying to stop watching, but I can't.

Right,

well, I'm going to bed.

You coming?

No, I might wait a bit.

This is very nice. Is it a little bit
public? No one cares.

Oh, hello.

I sort of care.

Um, should we be doing this here?

This is what travelling's about. Now,
get on the bed. I'm on the top bunk.

Look, you just lie there and I'll ride
you.

Oh, what is this?

That's very hard.

Sorry. Let me get that out of the way.

This is someone else's bed. Let's get on
my bunk. It's just up there. You're so

sexy.

Um,

Katie, this is great, but you're very
drunk.

Why don't we get a hotel for tomorrow?
My treat? My treat? Anything. You're

gorgeous. Shh.

Do it like that. That was nice.

Mmm, yeah.

Your friend is asleep on my bed.

Ah. Now, this is not what it looks like.

After I'd explained to everyone that it
was my rape alarm, and once they'd

stopped laughing, we got some sleep.

The next morning, Simon was the first
person in history to get the munchies

ten hours after smoking a joint.

Eat your own breakfast.

Nah, I've got that irritable bowel
syndrome.

It gets worse when I get stressed.

I'm finding travelling stressful, to be
honest.

You should have seen me sweating in the
toilet block this morning, you know.

It's not even runny, it's just like
massive ones firing themselves out.

Plus all this foreign muck I'm eating,
Donald. You've only eaten McDonald's.

Yeah, Australian McDonald's. Good
morning.

Here he is, the singing sex pest.

Say what you like, the song worked.

Someone had a good night then. Yes,
after the unpleasantness with Agnetha

was sorted out.

I think we have to call last night a
success.

A beautiful girl wants to have sex with
me.

Oh, and there she is.

Yoo-hoo!

Katie!

Katie!

Katie! Fucking hell, mate, there's no
need to shout.

Oh, goon hangovers are the worst.

Look, it's all right, mate, I can walk.

God, I was so pissed last night. You
were a little.

You passed out. I remember, like, an
alarm or something.

Yeah, don't worry about that. Apart from
that, I literally cannot remember a

single thing that happened.

Nothing. It goes straight from sitting
around the fire to puking this morning.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Did we?

Well, sort of. We fucked?

No. Did we kiss?

Yes. Oh, my God. That is so funny.

Isn't that funny?

A bit.

God, I'm so bad when I'm drunk.

Bad? Oh, no, no, no, no, not in that
way. Not that you're not. Like, oh, my

God, I'm digging myself a hole here.
Listen,

I'm going to go and get some breakfast
and I'll catch up with you in a minute,

OK? I've got to work out what adventures
people are on today.

Have you got the money for those Splash
Planet tickets?

Yes, of course. How much do we owe you?
400 bucks.

400? I thought it was $75 a ticket.

It is, but there's this premium when I
get them. It's just a thing.

Oh.

Looks like I have to get out my mum's
emergency stash.

Oh, all right, Kinky.

No, no, it's not that.

She gave me a bit extra for emergencies.
It's a precautionary thing.

Well, cheers, mate.

I'll see you at the water park.

So I sorted out the... Wait.

I'm thinking.

To be fair, Splash Planet looks amazing.

And even though Jay insisted that 80% of
the water was made up of vaginal fluid,

we still couldn't wait to try out the
rides.

Or better still, work there.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a job as a
dolphin trainer.

Are you a qualified marine biologist?

No, but I'm English.

Okay. We don't have any jobs, but you
can swim with them for 75 bucks.

Oh, cool. A work experience.

No. All right, I'm in.

Did you get the job then?

Nah. That's well racist.

I'm going to swim with one though.

And I'm going to give it a time of his
life.

Is it just me or did it sound like he's
going to wank off a dolphin?

That is what it sounded like.

We split up and I went to find Katie.

Last night she said I was sexy. So today
I just had to seal the deal by laughing

at anything she said or did.

Gotcha.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you did. What a good joke that is.
Always funny.

Aye.

Oh, let's get on these rides then. It's
the best hangover cure ever.

Yes.

I've heard the water pressure on some of
these slides is quite high.

Well, look out.

Hypocrite alert.

Ben, you came.

Cool. Hi.

Hi. Yeah, well, I wanted to see what the
tourists saw in the place.

I'm not a serious man. I've got a
backpack for one. In Bolivia, they say

if you put a shell on a donkey, does
that make him a crab?

Don't know what that means, Ben.

You'll find out.

Right, let's ride some blooms! Yeah!

Jay and Simon had left me to, as Jay put
it, chase after Katie like a little

prick, while they, for some unknown
reason, headed to the lazy river.

A child's ride.

Does Jane work on this ride, then? No,
but as you can see from this map of the

park, the lazy river pretty much covers
the whole place.

So basically, we get on, drift around
till we see her.

Simples. Don't know if that map is
entirely accurate. There are pirates and

crocodiles having a sword fight on it.
It's a map, all right.

Maps don't lie.

I'm so sorry if the kids are bothering
you. Oh, God, no, of course not. No, not

to our love kids.

He's a paedophile.

Seriously, I'm trying to help you. All
right.

Nudgies?

Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Nudgies was fast becoming no-one's
favourite game.

Meanwhile, Neil was teaching some
animals only slightly cleverer than him

that there's more to life than fish.

OK, guys, now you get some very special
one-on-one time with your dolphins.

If you'd like to take your positions...

Hello, gorgeous.

Come here.

Good boy.

This is amazing.

Lovely.

Look, apparently I'm not allowed to
train you because it turns out this lot

are well racist. But there's one thing I
can give you that they can't.

On land, we call that a burger.

McDonald's probably do the best one,
followed by Burger King. Oh, you like it

there. Come on, there's got to be worth
a kiss.

Oh,

lovely.

They say dolphins are clever, but what
they don't tell you is they're also

greedy little bastards.

Meanwhile, Jay and Simon were sticking
to their terrible plan.

This might not be the quickest way to
search the park.

Nah, it'll be fine. It's about time
before we find her.

Chill.

Is that him? Yeah, that's him.

Right.

Hey, mate, what are you doing with those
kids?

No, wait.

My friend was joking. You're disgusting.
I don't love kids. Please? I hate kids.

They're not safe to breathe.

I'm down.

Meanwhile, I was trying to impress a
girl I'd recently fingered to sleep. Oh,

my God, this is the hard rapids racer.
It's amazing.

He raced other people down rapids. Cool.
How about... Me versus Beaky, then.

Loser has to do a naked streak around
the park.

Yeah, that's hilarious.

Will, you're up for it, aren't you?

I would be, but I'm... Boring?

No, Ben. Scared? No, Ben. Ashamed of
your tiny penis? No, Ben. Actually, I

get nosebleeds. What?

I think you said that he gets
nosebleeds. Come on, let's race.

Will.

What happened to you?

Oh, I was waterboarded on the lazy river
because Jay told some parents I was a

paedophile. Pretty good. Where's Jay
now?

He's gone to find Jane.

Jane? That's why he's in Australia.

He found out she worked here and he's
desperate to get her back.

I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but
after that, fuck him.

Bill, come on!

What about your nose, please?

Did you want something?

Uh, yeah. I'm looking for someone that
works here, a girl called Jane.

Okay, we've had a few Janes. What does
she look like?

Um, she's got, like, red hair, quite
big. Well, no, beautiful.

Really, like, really, really beautiful.

Ah, yes, I know Jane.

Yeah, she's a stunner all right, huh?

Great, so whereabouts is she working
today?

Oh, she left about a month ago, mate.
She got a dream job working with horses

or something.

Did she say where?

Nah, sorry.

Outback somewhere?

Oh, that's all right. Guess I'll head to
the Outback and go find her.

To the Outback?

Yeah, you'll find her no problems.

Will I?

She amazing.

Are you some kind of moron?

Of course you fucking won't. The
Outback's enormous.

Nah, you'll never find her.

Do your lip alright?

Yeah.

If she gets in touch, do you want me to
tell her you're looking for her?

Nah, it's cool.

I'm not even bothered. I've got some
stuff to sort out in Vietnam.

Like CIA shit.

Basically, I'm getting my own private
train with a machine gun on front. I'm

going to drive across the country just
standing up, firing out the machine gun

as it goes along.

Now it's time for some chicken!

Shh! Don't tell anyone!

But this is the last one! It's the
bollocks!

Meatball sandwich!

Wake up!

We'll never know for certain exactly
what killed the dolphin, but we do know

that Neil did it.

There was tension in the air as we
waited to race, and tension in the queue

as Neil barged past with his irritable
bowels.

Out of the way.

I'll get in line, mate. No, I've got
mates.

I'm just, I'm going up there.

Alright.

How are the dolphins?

Dolphins are fine. Totally fine. Why
wouldn't they be?

How are you asking?

Well, I don't want to talk about the
fucking dolphins, okay?

Oh, my God.

So is this my irritating bounce?

Next two up. Right.

Good luck, boys.

See you at the bottom. Oh, and don't
forget, lose the streaks.

Oh, seriously, I would have thought I'd
been gone by now. It's a new one.

Jesus, Neil.

Come on, stop it.

Okay, next two.

Will, I've got an issue.

Ready to lose?

I'm not, but you are. Will.

I'm not going to lose.

What's that, mate?

Will. No, I'm gonna win. Will. I can't
lose.

We'll see about that. Will. I don't
lose.

You wish, Jellyfish.

What? Will.

Will, I need help. I lost one.

Maybe I'll pull a fruit. Go.

But it's got vowels. They're disabled.

Oh, no.

It wasn't funny, Simon. I was arrested.

Well, I don't know if the Splash Planet
security team can strictly arrest you.

Children were crying.

And I think that was you. I think that
was to do with that dolphin that died.

No, you were swimming with them. Did you
see anything?

Look, I didn't swim with any dolphin
sight. And if you keep telling lies

about me, I'm going to have to bring up
my mum's hairy face again.

All right, calm down.

You all right, Jay?

Everything's ruined.

What's up? Is it your Type 4 skin thing?

I fucked it up again.

No, lay off it for a week. It'll get
better. She's gone.

Forever. Who?

Jane. I should never have bought her
that wee fit. She said she wanted to

lose a bit of weight, and I was just
trying to help.

I loved her the way she was.

You bought her a wee fit?

So I came here to find her, to
apologise, to try and win her back. I

had no idea how big Australia was.

I knew it was an island, so I thought,
it can't be that big. I'll probably just

bump into her down the shops, but it's
fucking massive!

And now she's gone forever.

My life is pointless again.

Sorry, you bought her a wee fit.

My dad was right.

He should have just whipped it out and
splurged on my mum's ass rather than

waste it making me.

Still love her.

But I'll never find her.

So I could always ask Lucy where she is?

Oh shit, yeah. Lucy'll probably know.

Really? Actually, yeah. Thinking about
it, she'll definitely know.

She sent her a wedding invitation.

Let's go. I'll Skype her now.

Shotgun? Don't worry, mate. We'll find
her.

Thanks for this, Si.

No problem.

You'd all do the same for me? We
wouldn't. We think your bird's a fucking

nightmare. Fair enough.

So far, my travelling experience wasn't
going entirely to plan.

I'd assume that I'd get shit-faced at
some point, but not literally.

Right, you all go and pack up our stuff.
I'll just go up Lucy.

Will!

Will!

Will!

Look, Katie, I'm so embarrassed by my
friends. It was Neil's fault. He's got

this thing that went... What? It was
fucking hysterical.

Closing down Splash Planet. I mean,
everyone is talking about what an

absolute legend you are.

I'm a legend?

I mean, it looked horrific.

You were covered in shit, yeah?

Yeah. But at the same time, it was
literally the funniest thing I've ever

seen. We all love...

If it made you laugh, maybe it was worth
getting conjunctivitis.

You're mental.

So, what do you want to do later, then?

Drink, bite to eat. Sea kayaking, zip
lining, bungee?

Will, come on, you've got to pack. I am
talking, Simon.

Sorry about that. Pack? What? You can't
leave. The gang will be gutted. No,

you're not actually leaving, are you?

Yes. Well, nothing's finalised.

It's the song line ceremony tonight.

Look, it's perfect for you, Will. It's
incredibly spiritual.

We're going to the outback. That's why
Will should be packing up his things

right now.

Oh, OK. Well, if you're busy, I'll leave
you to it. No, Katie, I'm not busy. I

apologise to my friend. He's very rude.

Now, tell me about sea kayaking.

It's amazing.

They've got these kayaks, right, that go
in the sea.

No way! It's absolutely unbelievable.

Simon, this was not an agreed time for
Skype.

Lucy, listen, it's really important. Do
you know where Jane is staying?

Of course I do.

Simon, we need to talk about
photographers.

I think you're going to have to take out
another student loan.

Christ, really?

Right, fine, whatever. Can you just get
me her address?

And I've asked Pete to be your best man.

I meant to decide that.

All your friends are massive dicks,
except Pete.

It's Pete or no one. Great, fine, it's
Pete. Now, I need that address.

Pete's been amazing. Yeah, yeah, Pete's
amazing.

Please, Lucy.

Oh, thanks, mate. I am amazing.

Good day, Pete.

Surprise. How are things down under?

And I don't mean your horrible balls.

You've got horrible balls.

You actually have, though.

Banter. So, go on, how is it, then?

Not been eaten by a shark yet? Worst
luck? Thank you. Yeah. I'm the best man

you are.

I'm the best of the best, mate. You know
it. I should be called the brilliant

man. Yeah.

Um, it's a mate. We're in a bit of a
rush.

Okay, so she's staying at Beaulieu's
stud farm near Birdsville.

I don't have the exact address because
they pick up the post from the town

hotel. So what's the house number?

I told you I don't have it.

It's a massive farm, you div. You'll
find it. Yeah, you div.

Huh. Of course.

Over and out, Captain Kirk.

Did you get it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's at a stud farm
near Birdsville.

Oh, well, that's me fucked.

If she's at a stud farm, then she'll
have her pick.

I've got no chance. I've lost her.

Um, a stud farm's where they breed
horses.

Yes, I know.

Just saying she really likes horses.

Look, you won't need a life vest in the
car while it's dry.

Get that off. We're leaving.

I'm staying here.

Don't be a dick. Just get in the car.
No, I'm staying.

For a bit.

Then I'm going to do some real
travelling with people who do it

properly. What, those tools in there?
They think you're a twat. And I've met

someone I like who likes me. Will, be
careful. Jay told me that enough before

mates is actually a crime in Australia.

You think you're my mates?

You don't do any of the things I like.
You don't talk about things I like. And

you shit on my face.

Why would I come with you?

I only shit on your face once.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can make
it. I'm not...

Fine, fuck y'all. We'll go to Birdsville
without y'all. You're being stupid.

You got dumped, just like I got dumped,
just like Simon will probably get dumped

too. Sorry, I mean divorced.

Get over it and be realistic.

Chasing a girl around Australia isn't a
romantic joke. It's extreme stalking.

Well, that's exactly what you're doing
to Katie.

Grow up, Simon.

You grow up.

I am growing up. You should grow up.
Really? Grow up?

I am. You're not, so grow up.

Oh, that's grown up. Grow up. Yeah, you
should. We'll see who's grown up, won't

we? Grow up. Grow up. Oh, grow up! Grow
up!

Grow up.

I feel a bit sad.

Can I drive?

Yeah, sure.

And can I be best man? No, it's fucking
Pete.

So, this evening we can watch it grow.

Just like a cheery fucking guy.

Grow up!

Off they went, the idiots.

Good riddance to them.

I was gonna have an authentic experience
sea kayaking.

At least if I drowned, and it looked
like I might drown, people could say he

died doing what he did best, making a
twat of himself in front of a girl.

What? I said, what time is it now?

No, you fucking didn't. You said a
wobbobob, Bob. Are you sure you're OK to

drive? Yeah, it's fine.

I think I might cry again.

Is it far now?

No, it's only about 400 miles. You can
make that, can't you, Neil? Course. Got

a system.

Maybe we should stop for a bit.

Now we've cleansed the area with sound,
we can begin. We are sitting on song

lines, the ancient lines of power that
cross Australia.

Can you feel the connection?

Yeah. Amazing.

We carry a great responsibility. What we
say here before the fire, we transmit

out on the song lines to the rest of the
planet.

Let's help heal the world by throwing
all the world's negativities onto the

fire. Each think of a negativity and
burn it. What's your negativity?

Narrow-mindedness.

Good.

That's really good. Stephen. Oh, God,
where to start?

I'm just a seeker, a searcher, but
present in this moment, away from the

past, away from a military father who I
love so much, but Daddy wasn't around,

and away from my distant mother. But I'm
here now, in the now, not there.

I'm just wondering how to tell Mummy
what hugs mean.

She asked what negativity you want to
throw on the fire.

Oh, right. Yeah, cool.

Um... Conformity!

Excellent. Now, what's your negativity,
brother?

Um... Come on.

Um... Negativity.

Yes. Which one?

Just negativity.

Remember, we can help heal the whole
world.

Pass. Pass?

Look, maybe you should just tell me the
right answer.

There's no right answer.

Clearly there is, though.

Raw pot noodle, anyone?

Not bad, but a bit crunchy.

I reckon I'll probably propose to Jane
when I see her.

What about the Thai bird you told me you
were seeing? What?

The one that's a black belt and firing
ping-pong balls out of her fanny.

Oh, yeah, no, she had to go back to
Vietnam.

Thailand. Thailand.

Yeah, no, Jane's the one.

I'll be married and you'll be married,
Si.

Yeah. So we can go on, like, double
dates and stuff.

Yeah. Lucy's not that bad, really.

Maybe being married to her will be all
right. It will be.

And it's got to be easier than breaking
up with her.

She's microwaved my PlayStation.

Della.

Um, racism.

Oh, I hate that.

Ben, negative thoughts.

Good. How is that different to saying
negativity?

Will, please, just respect the song
lines.

Christian.

Racial hatred.

Mm, good. Yeah, already had that one,
Chris.

What? We've had that. He's going to
think of another one. Think of another

one. So you think racial hatred is a
good thing?

You know I'm not saying that, Ben.

She said racism. He said racial hatred.
Pick another.

Will, there's no right or wrong answers.

Yes, there is. You know there is.

Let it all flow out. We all support you.

There's no judgment here. So you keep
saying.

Well, in that case, I'd like to throw
the poor and disadvantaged onto the

fire, and the handicapped, the homeless,
and babies. Yes, spazzy little African

babies riddled with malaria and AIDS.
Oh, there they go, onto the fire.

Sizzle, sizzle, sizzle. How's that?

That is wrong.

Yep, thought it might be.

Excuse me.

I throw anger onto the fire.

Yeah.

Stephen.

Infidelity. Oh, will you just fucking
let it go?

Will, are you okay?

Yeah. Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin it.

Oh, no, you didn't. No, we still had an
amazing connection.

Oh, good.

That's good.

Listen, whatever your energy is when you
interact over firestones, that's your

song. And your song is humour.

Oh. Thank you. And also anger.

You have a large, quite deep anger song
in you.

Frustration, maybe.

And sometimes it's hard to hear the
humour song with the anger song singing

so very loud.

You do like me, don't you, Katie?

Of course I do.

Sorry, Ben. This is a private party.

Oh, OK.

See you later.

Are you okay?

That was horrible.

What was?

Him just kissing you like that. Do you
want me to call somebody? He shouldn't

get away with that.

Oh, I know.

He can be such a tease.

Tease? He knows that drives me crazy.

Crazy angry, right? I'm tingly.

Bad tingly. Like really severe pins and
needles.

Oh, God, no.

Nice. Scary. I don't know how he does
it.

What is happening here?

We've been having this on-off thing for
ages, and he drives me mental when we

fight, but in the end, the animal urge,
it's just too much to ignore.

You said he was a dick.

Well, I wish you'd get to know him. He
is such a spiritual guy.

So you're with him, even though you
kissed me?

Well, I like you, I kissed you, but I
kiss a lot of people, especially when

I'm drunk.

What Ben and I have, it's a deep lust
for each other.

It's spiritual.

Right, that's the last time. Even the
dictionary definition of spiritual,

which I looked up the other day,
suggests it's about the soul, another

vague and probably non-existent concept.

I don't think you get it, but that's
cool.

No, no, I get it all right, you
patronizing cow.

It's you twats that don't get it. That's
right, I called you twats.

Chill, Will.

Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads,
talking about one love, and pretending

your friends were Central American
villagers, who, by the way...

Despise you? Before heading back to your
parents' five-bedroom house in Surrey?

It doesn't make you a spiritual person.
It makes you a bellend.

I think you're right about his song,
Katie.

Oh, fuck off, Ben.

You don't believe in song lines any more
than I do.

It's just a way for you to seem
interesting to girls because deep down

you know you're boring and pretentious,
just like your stupid fucking

dreadlocks. Which, by the way, always
look embarrassing on white people.

They're not countercultural. They
actually scream, I've got a trust fund.

So get a normal haircut, you unbearable
prick.

Goodbye.

I may have won the battle, but I'd lost
the war. By now my real friends were

hundreds of miles away, but my fake
friends were a little too close to home.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

I don't lose.

One ticket to Birdsville, so that'll be
$350.

Have you flown this route before?

No. Okay, you'll want these then.
There's some sick bags, because you are

going to be sick.

Oh, oh, fuck!

Oh, my God!

See you later.

They were nice. Apart from when they
tried to fight us those times.

It's the next property, Sawyer.

Just down the Birdsville track. Yeah,
not far now, mate.

Ring!

Ring! What the fuck is that?

Guy!

Ring! I think it's a prick.

I had to get here.

I'm just so lost at the moment with uni,
and I know I've made some bad decisions,

but I'm finding it hard to know who I
am.

Anyway, I'd be better to get going. No,
no, no, listen, please.

I don't have many friends, and I thought
those people... Nudgies.

Get in.

Did they say exactly how far the next
farm is?

Oh shit, we're on the white bit of the
petrol meter.

Oh, don't worry about that. That's a con
by car makers and oil people to get you

to buy more.

I once went to Portugal and back on the
white bit. I don't know, it looks quite

low. Please, let's just keep going.

Of course, mate. And there's bound to be
a petrol station round here somewhere.

Oh, shit.

Don't worry, I just coasted for a couple
of miles.

It's very hot in here.

Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I had the
eating on.

What now?

Wait for someone to pass by to help?

Ah, bollocks. We'll just find the IA and
they'll come pick us up. How's the

reception on your phone?

Oh, fuck.

Exactly. We should get out of the car,
though. It's essentially an oven.

It's not that much cooler out of the
car, to be fair.

All right. We're in a bit of a spot
here.

We've got to keep calm. Do not panic.
How much water have we got?

None.

Okay, bad start.

We'll be fine.

There'll probably be a wise old
Aboriginal along any minute.

Have a think. In the two hours since we
left Birdsville, how many cars have we

seen? Oh, none.

None is correct.

Now, how many wise old Aboriginals?

None. None? Fucking none!

We aren't in England anymore. We're
somewhere actually genuinely dangerous.

Don't shit your pants. I know Australia.

Someone will be along in a minute. But
what if they aren't? They will be.

Anyone want a drink?

Have you got water?

No, just wondered.

Really thirsty.

We need a survival plan.

No, I doubt it. Actually, Neil, in the
desert without water, we'll die in a

day. I think we're going to be fine.
How, Simon?

Tell me how we're going to be fine.
People will be looking for us. Who?

Who even knows we're missing? Or cares?

Your dad?

Jay's uncle?

Your mum would if she wasn't too busy
getting fucked by a stranger.

Oh, it's nasty, but it's probably true.

We could drink our piss.

What? No, honestly, it's all right. I'll
do it occasionally.

Hey, I bit my spunk once, too. You're
grim, mate.

Basically, I need a piss, and it seems a
shame to waste it.

I'm Neil.

Neil, do you have to do that here?

If you can't see it actually coming out
the end, it's not rude.

Wait a minute.

There's probably some water in the
windscreen washer pot.

We could share that out.

Perfect. This should keep us going.

Uncle Jay sorts it again.

So... Obviously.

Seriously, we do need a plan.

I saw that film where the bloke got
stuck in the desert but lived.

What did he do? Cut his arm off with a
penknife.

Right. Any other ideas?

And I've watched every episode of Bear
Grylls Man vs. Wild.

Okay, now we're getting somewhere.

What would Bear suggest we do in this
situation, Neil? Okay, well, for

starters, when we get a salmon, we've
just got to bite into the middle of it,

like, even though it's raw. There isn't
any water. Where are we going to get a

salmon from, you fucking idiot?

Neil's got a point, though. We should
split up and search the area for water

sources. Got a seven?

Yes.

Thanks very much, Dad.

Thanks for not teaching me how to find
water. The only thing I would ever need

to know my entire fucking life. Oh, go
and do a sociology degree. That'll be

fucking helpful.

Oh, yeah, well, so it goes.

Yeah, so it goes.

Si, quick, look.

Oh, that sweet little moon.

Them emmy stones.

Yeah, let's take a chance. I'll win on
the boss.

Okay. Learn from your mistakes.

Wandering around failing to find water
just uses up calories. We've learned

that. That's good.

I can't believe we didn't bring any sun
cream.

Not even, like, Factor 8.

Even some shitty Factor 8 would make the
situation better.

God, I'd love some Factor 8 right now.

Oh, my gosh.

A lake!

A fucking lake!

We're safe! I can't believe we never
spotted that!

It's a mirage, Neil.

Is that Australian for lake?

It means because you're hot, you're
seeing things.

What if it is a lake? You're seeing
things. It's an illusion.

Well, if I was seeing things, I'd be
seeing cool things, like Optimus Prime

banging Katy Perry, or a jade the size
of a house, but all his fingers are

Cadbury's flakes.

I want water more than anything.

I'll get us water, Si.

Don't worry.

This is it. We're saved.

Thank you, Bear Grylls!

I told him so. I know you did.

Can we start panicking now?

Yeah.

No!

I bet they use a shit picture.

What?

When they report us being dead, I bet
they use a picture where my hair looks

shit. There's plenty to choose from.

I'll be described as engaged for fuck's
sake.

I bet Lucy will love that. She'll melt
the attention of the cow.

I don't think you'll be that bothered. I
will. I don't think you will be, because

crucially, you'll be dead.

Stone fucking dead, just like we all
will.

Oh, God, I don't want to die.

Oh, for fuck's sake, I'm too dehydrated
to cry.

I wish my mum was here.

Does she deliver water?

She does when I'm nearby.

From a fanny.

So fucking thirsty.

Do you want to try this bunk thing? It's
a bit like a salty smoothie.

I can't think of anything I want to do
less right now than wank. Jesus.

Things are even more serious than I
thought.

Neil, if you can piss again now, I'll
drink it.

You should really only drink your own,
Si.

So dehydrated I can't piss.

Neil, please.

Help.

I'm dying.

Of course, mate.

Sorry, sorry, I've got no more piss.

That's all right, mate.

Thanks for trying.

I was trying, sorry. I really was. It's
just...

Hang

on, there was that bit.

I'm hot and cold.

Then hot.

Then really cold.

And you stink of piss.

I really didn't think dying would be
like this.

It's knackering to get wound up about
it.

Just let it happen, I reckon.

No.

Please fight it, Jay.

There's something I need to say.

What?

Sorry.

Mate. I am.

I'm sorry.

Just... Sorry.

Don't matter.

There's something I always meant to ask
you guys, too.

What is it, mate?

How long after a poo can you have sex?

Please don't make this my last thought.
I never found out, and... No, I never

know.

I can't see very well.

I think it's just the brightness.

Close your eyes.

But you said... I know.

Here.

Deal.

For Ben's.

For Ben's.

That's better.

Sorry, Dad.

Sorry, Jane.

It'll be like sleep, won't it, Si?

I've always liked sleep.

Yeah, it'll be okay now.

All right, then.

Cheers.

It's just proper travelling.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

You hear Mirage?

I don't know. Would a Mirage call you a
stupid cunt?

We're saved! We're saved! We're saved!
We're saved!

Fuck me, you poms love a drama. You've
only been out here two hours.

Jane!

Jane!

Jane!

God, look at you.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

I'm sorry about the wee fit.

No, Jay.

Is your lip all right?

No. Jay, did you really come all this
way out here just to find me?

Yeah.

But... Not because I miss you, but
because... Got an STD.

And the doctor said I have to tell all
my former lovers, and you're the last.

Number 6004.

So, that's that deal we've got.

6004?

Don't forget, a lot of them was orgies.

Everything's been rubbish since you
left.

I work in a toilet and I live in a tent.

Oh, come here.

So, do you want to get back together?

No. No, that's definitely not happening.
I stay dumped again.

Come on.

Let's get you home. Jesus Christ. The
last time I saw something that soppy, I

was pulling my cock out of it. Now let's
head back to the farm.

I'm not sure we're in any state to
travel. I think we need serious medical

attention. What you need is some fucking
aftersun and a beer. Now, take your

clothes off and get in the ute. Shit.

Mum was right.

It's the best thing for the sunstroke.

You need the heat to leave your body
quickly.

All right, fine. Of course.

Plus... Makes you easier to rape.

We couldn't wait to leave the outback,
although some things would stay with us

forever. Mainly the sight of Neil's
meaty penis.

Jane's boss rehydrated us, fixed the
car, and then we headed back to

Civilization.

If you can call Uncle Brian's house
civilized.

And then Neil pissed all over my head,
but I didn't manage to drink any of it,

and then we gave up, but the stud farm
was tempting people to look for us, and

we were on the news that they called us
plummy morons, and everyone's flown over

because they were worried, but
everything's changed, Luce.

I am so lucky to be alive, and this
world is just the most beautiful thing.

And you are so great, and I can't wait
to get married.

I love you, Lucy.

I've been sleeping with Pete.

Sorry? Me and your best man, Pete, have
been having sex.

Good sex.

Is this role-playing again, like when I
said I'd bummed Will?

You're such a dopey prick. I still can't
believe you come out and be nutsacked.

You're nutsacked? I can't believe we're
the same species. I mean, look at him,

weedy and retarded. He's like one of
them X-Men freaks, Dr.

Lawnfucker or something.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my darling.

Oh, I've missed you so much.

I was lost in the desert too.

Anyway, I don't really want to be
friends, but Pete said it would be

better if we were.

Wait a minute, you're breaking up with
me?

Yes. So, I'm single and now Pete has to
go out with you?

Yes, Simon.

Yes!

Fucking brilliant.

Oh, hello, Mrs. McKenzie.

Oh, hello, Simon.

Your parents asked me to check if you
were okay.

Me? Fucking brilliant. Absolutely
fucking brilliant.

Sorry, sir. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't mean
to swear.

Mr. Gilbert?

What are you doing here?

You have no jurisdiction.

Oh, Phil's just... He's just helping me
out with a couple of things.

I don't follow.

Phil? Do I need to spell it out for you,
McKenzie?

Okay. Well, when a man loves a lady very
much...

blood rushes to the genital area,
enlarging significantly the penis.

Or in this case, my penis.

Well, I mean, we wanted to tell you in
person, and then we just thought you

getting lost was a perfect excuse to
come and see you. And then we thought,

oh, let's just make it into a holiday.

Have you got any recommendations?

We've booked a barrier reef tool.

Yes. I'm very much looking forward to
going diving.

Okay, so here's some bad news. It turns
out we did die in the desert because I

appear to be in hell.

Jesus Christ, mate, don't get me wrong.

I'm glad you stopped fucking me garden,
but what was your thinking going all

that way for a fat chick?

What did you just say? About the spunk
hole.

No, after that.

Oh, about you chasing the fat chick and
how your lucky fatty boom-boom didn't

eat you out there in the desert. Them
fat chicks get so fucking hungry.

Yeah,

yeah, good.

I mean, good for trying. Was weak as
fuck, obviously.

More like a slap.

You taught him how to punch like a girl,
I presume. Watch it, Brian. At least

your boy's got some spunk, Terry.
Problem is, it's only round his mouth

and arsehole. I said watch it. Well,
what?

You slapped me too.

Here we go. Get in there. Get in there,
you ugly fuck.

I'll give it to you when you're happy.

I'll fucking give it to you again.

Shall we go?

It's going to be like my cousin's
wedding.

Yeah.

I was thinking about maybe not going
back to England for a bit. Maybe we

could do some more travelling. Her
Vietnam's nice. Anyone fancy it? No, I

mean, I've still got some shit to sort
out for the CIA, though. Of course.

Neil? Yeah, I'd love to go travelling.

Hey, if we go far enough, we might find
your mum. Well, fuck off.

Sorry, Neil. Tell you what, my ping-pong
fanny girl's got a mate I could set you

two up. Nice one.

Shake on it?

Cheers, mate.

He's a ladyboy. Oh, fuck! Too late. You
shook on it now. Bad luck. Thanks.

No, you've got a fucking man with tits.
Or a girl with a penis.

Oh, Will, help me out.

Sorry, Neil. You shook on it.

I suppose I'd better just stick to the
top half.

moments but something possible to refuse

G, baby, G

Come on.

Fine. Okay. You know, I guess that's
gonna be a problem.

Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Fuck off.

Shut up