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1
00:00:09,504 --> 00:00:11,339
Man, I love COPS.
2
00:00:11,506 --> 00:00:13,408
Yeah, definitely the best show on FOX.
3
00:00:13,575 --> 00:00:15,710
Yeah, like that's saying much.
4
00:00:17,312 --> 00:00:19,381
The American justice system
at work.
5
00:00:19,547 --> 00:00:22,917
Beating the crap out of people
before judges let them go.
6
00:00:27,122 --> 00:00:30,191
Almost makes me want to pay taxes.
7
00:00:30,592 --> 00:00:32,327
Or vote.
8
00:00:33,528 --> 00:00:35,363
You know, I could have been
a great cop.
9
00:00:35,530 --> 00:00:38,333
Well, with my catlike reflexes
and keen senses.
10
00:00:38,500 --> 00:00:41,369
I got eyes in the back of my head,
you know.
11
00:00:41,536 --> 00:00:47,108
Peg. Peg, could you keep it down?
We're trying to watch TV, here.
12
00:00:52,013 --> 00:00:56,451
Do you believe that show is still
on the air?
13
00:01:03,091 --> 00:01:05,460
It's a classic. I love it.
14
00:01:05,627 --> 00:01:08,930
-Except for the stupid neighbors.
-Yeah.
15
00:01:46,835 --> 00:01:50,538
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
16
00:01:50,836 --> 00:01:54,773
It's 100 percent pure like me.
17
00:01:56,670 --> 00:01:58,472
Not pure enough. Next.
18
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,171
Are you kidding?
19
00:02:01,337 --> 00:02:04,240
Kelly is the perfect spokesmodel
for your olive oil.
20
00:02:04,404 --> 00:02:05,972
No one is more innocent.
21
00:02:06,138 --> 00:02:10,209
Hey, time out, boys.
My thong is riding up.
22
00:02:12,805 --> 00:02:15,241
It's a chastity thong.
23
00:02:15,406 --> 00:02:18,442
Young man, this is a national
advertising campaign.
24
00:02:18,606 --> 00:02:22,143
Our spokesperson has to be as pure
as the oil itself.
25
00:02:24,841 --> 00:02:27,643
Sister Claire, I assure you,
Kelly is so pure...
26
00:02:27,807 --> 00:02:31,077
...she makes Mother Teresa
look slutty.
27
00:02:31,241 --> 00:02:34,478
I could tell you stories.
28
00:02:34,641 --> 00:02:35,843
Really?
29
00:02:36,775 --> 00:02:40,512
Sister, I hate to play hard ball
with you but--
30
00:02:40,676 --> 00:02:43,912
Sonny, I spend every day
wrestling with Beelzebub.
31
00:02:44,076 --> 00:02:46,445
I think I can take your best shot.
32
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:49,913
Well, Kelly's got a firm offer
from the Jehovah's Witnesses...
33
00:02:50,077 --> 00:02:52,046
...to be their new watchtower girl.
34
00:02:52,211 --> 00:02:53,412
So, what's it gonna be?
35
00:02:53,578 --> 00:02:54,579
Sold.
36
00:02:54,744 --> 00:02:58,415
I love putting the screws
to those jerks.
37
00:03:00,046 --> 00:03:01,447
Deal?
38
00:03:02,113 --> 00:03:04,381
But she will have to sign
this morals clause.
39
00:03:04,546 --> 00:03:10,252
And remember, I will be watching.
And so will He.
40
00:03:12,481 --> 00:03:14,950
Hey. So did you get me the job?
41
00:03:15,115 --> 00:03:16,549
Is the Pope Catholic?
42
00:03:16,714 --> 00:03:20,284
How should I know?
Hello, I'm not really a nun.
43
00:03:23,216 --> 00:03:25,785
No, but you play one on TV.
44
00:03:25,949 --> 00:03:27,317
-You got the job.
-Oh, my God.
45
00:03:27,483 --> 00:03:30,619
-You got the job.
-We're gonna be rich. Yeah me.
46
00:03:30,783 --> 00:03:33,752
But, unlike your bra, there's a catch.
47
00:03:34,650 --> 00:03:37,120
See, you're gonna have to sign
this morals clause.
48
00:03:37,284 --> 00:03:38,586
You have to be chaste.
49
00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:40,987
Well, do I get a head start?
50
00:03:42,052 --> 00:03:44,788
Kelly, to get a head start,
you have to have a head.
51
00:03:45,219 --> 00:03:48,122
But my point is, until the sister
goes back to the convent...
52
00:03:48,285 --> 00:03:50,788
...you have to act like
you're not interested in men.
53
00:03:52,153 --> 00:03:55,123
This is gonna be
my most challenging role yet.
54
00:03:55,286 --> 00:03:58,923
Except, of course, when I played Dino
in Flintstones in the Park.
55
00:03:59,087 --> 00:04:00,322
Oh, yeah, big stretch.
56
00:04:00,488 --> 00:04:02,356
You jumping a guy
and licking his face...
57
00:04:02,521 --> 00:04:04,456
...as soon as he walks
through the door.
58
00:04:04,621 --> 00:04:08,859
Excuse me. I had to play
a hyperactive dinosaur.
59
00:04:09,022 --> 00:04:12,559
That bitch Pebbles
kept trying to upstage me.
60
00:04:14,156 --> 00:04:16,125
Kelly, can you please try
and concentrate?
61
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:19,693
If you can do this,
we can make $20,000.
62
00:04:19,857 --> 00:04:21,959
Who needs men?
63
00:04:22,124 --> 00:04:24,759
Except for this one over here.
64
00:04:24,924 --> 00:04:26,326
Hey.
65
00:04:26,492 --> 00:04:29,094
What? You expect me to quit
cold turkey?
66
00:04:29,258 --> 00:04:32,161
I think I'm gonna need a patch
or something.
67
00:04:33,559 --> 00:04:34,827
So let me get this straight.
68
00:04:34,992 --> 00:04:37,194
You were sitting not more than
four feet away...
69
00:04:37,359 --> 00:04:39,461
...while a criminal bound
and gagged your wife?
70
00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,762
I feel terrible about it.
71
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,763
He took my lucky bowling shirt.
72
00:04:49,428 --> 00:04:51,230
The one you've never washed?
73
00:04:51,394 --> 00:04:54,431
You sure it didn't just walk off
on its own?
74
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,898
No, I think the shoulders
were a little broader.
75
00:04:58,063 --> 00:05:02,267
The jaw was a little more chiseled,
and there was a dimple.
76
00:05:02,430 --> 00:05:03,998
There, that's him.
77
00:05:04,164 --> 00:05:07,734
So you were robbed by a pirate
who looks like Brad Pitt?
78
00:05:08,531 --> 00:05:10,666
Are you sure this is who we're
looking for?
79
00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:14,135
Well, he's who I'm looking for.
80
00:05:15,098 --> 00:05:19,336
Okay. For your insurance report,
we got you down for a bowling shirt...
81
00:05:19,499 --> 00:05:21,868
...a Maserati and a Picasso.
82
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:25,903
Make that two Picassos.
Write one down for yourself.
83
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:28,735
Thanks, buddy.
84
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,101
Hey.
85
00:05:30,267 --> 00:05:31,935
And speaking of objects de art...
86
00:05:32,101 --> 00:05:35,872
...I'll see you at the Jiggly Room
on Saturday.
87
00:05:36,268 --> 00:05:38,904
I can't go. I'm on duty.
88
00:05:39,069 --> 00:05:40,537
What do you mean you can't go?
89
00:05:40,702 --> 00:05:43,972
If you're not there,
we can't do the strip searches.
90
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:49,607
I know. But that stupid show COPS
is following me around.
91
00:05:49,770 --> 00:05:51,472
COPS?
92
00:05:51,637 --> 00:05:53,205
You're gonna be on COPS?
93
00:05:53,370 --> 00:05:55,672
It's my life's dream to be on COPS.
94
00:05:55,837 --> 00:05:58,473
But, Al, I work alone.
95
00:05:58,771 --> 00:06:00,473
You lose three partners in a week...
96
00:06:00,638 --> 00:06:03,374
...and suddenly nobody wants
to ride with you.
97
00:06:04,105 --> 00:06:07,942
I do. See, every great cop
works with another guy.
98
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,774
Starsky and Hutch, two guys.
99
00:06:09,939 --> 00:06:11,708
Jake and the Fatman, two guys.
100
00:06:11,874 --> 00:06:14,443
Cagney & Lacey, two guys.
101
00:06:19,474 --> 00:06:20,709
-I don't know.
-Hey, Dan.
102
00:06:20,875 --> 00:06:25,312
Does the captain know you rent
the patrol car out for prom dates?
103
00:06:25,475 --> 00:06:27,277
Pick you up at 8.
104
00:06:28,675 --> 00:06:32,279
How did you develop
such a rich fantasy life?
105
00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:45,413
How do you think?
106
00:06:47,245 --> 00:06:49,914
Gee, thanks for such a fun evening,
sister.
107
00:06:50,079 --> 00:06:53,015
I don't know Apostle Bingo
could be so exciting.
108
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:55,148
Well, tomorrow night we're going to
play...
109
00:06:55,313 --> 00:06:57,949
...the mother superior's favorite game.
110
00:06:58,113 --> 00:07:00,549
What? Spin the Candle Stick?
111
00:07:00,714 --> 00:07:03,517
No. Messiah Mystery Date.
112
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:08,385
Will he be a dud,
or will he rise again?
113
00:07:13,449 --> 00:07:16,152
Come on, sister,
I'll drive you back to your hotel.
114
00:07:16,316 --> 00:07:19,753
If you're not home by midnight,
you might turn into a Protestant.
115
00:07:20,884 --> 00:07:25,555
That would never happen.
I am a Bride of Christ.
116
00:07:25,718 --> 00:07:29,188
Wow, that must have been
a fancy wedding.
117
00:07:30,285 --> 00:07:33,321
She's not the brightest bead
on the rosary, is she?
118
00:07:37,486 --> 00:07:38,888
Oh, God.
119
00:07:39,052 --> 00:07:40,787
Thank God.
120
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:47,756
-Oh, hi, sweetie.
-Hi, Mom.
121
00:07:47,921 --> 00:07:49,322
Hey, is something wrong?
122
00:07:50,587 --> 00:07:52,289
Well, you wanna talk about it?
123
00:07:53,321 --> 00:07:56,258
Oh, come on. Let's have
a little mother-daughter moment...
124
00:07:56,421 --> 00:07:58,824
...just like they do on TV.
125
00:07:59,189 --> 00:08:00,490
Thanks, Mom.
126
00:08:00,656 --> 00:08:02,591
It's really personal...
127
00:08:02,756 --> 00:08:04,291
...and it's kind of embarrassing.
128
00:08:04,456 --> 00:08:07,692
Oh, honey, you got your period.
129
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,759
Mom, I'm 25.
130
00:08:11,924 --> 00:08:15,327
Well, don't be ashamed.
Every woman develops differently.
131
00:08:15,491 --> 00:08:17,693
You're just a late bloomer.
132
00:08:17,858 --> 00:08:19,693
Mom, it's not my period.
133
00:08:20,159 --> 00:08:22,895
Well, don't worry. It'll come.
I'm glad we had this talk.
134
00:08:23,059 --> 00:08:26,229
No, no, Mom. Wait, that's not it.
135
00:08:26,393 --> 00:08:28,028
Well, don't tell me you're pregnant.
136
00:08:28,193 --> 00:08:29,694
What would the neighbors think?
137
00:08:29,860 --> 00:08:32,463
Me, a grandmother at 35.
138
00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:36,730
Mars to Mom. I am not pregnant.
139
00:08:36,895 --> 00:08:39,364
Well, honey, then what is it?
140
00:08:39,528 --> 00:08:40,762
Bulimia?
141
00:08:40,928 --> 00:08:42,863
Anorexia?
142
00:08:43,028 --> 00:08:45,531
You found out about Santa Clause?
143
00:08:46,263 --> 00:08:48,231
What about Santa?
144
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,597
Oh, nothing.
145
00:08:51,229 --> 00:08:52,464
Okay.
146
00:08:52,630 --> 00:08:54,832
It's about not having sex.
147
00:08:54,997 --> 00:08:58,066
Oh, my God, you got married.
148
00:09:01,764 --> 00:09:03,166
No, Mom.
149
00:09:03,331 --> 00:09:05,600
It's just that I'm having
a really hard time...
150
00:09:05,765 --> 00:09:07,967
...with that morals clause
I told you about.
151
00:09:08,132 --> 00:09:10,234
I miss boys.
152
00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:11,567
Well...
153
00:09:11,733 --> 00:09:14,903
...you know what Grandma Wanker
always said.
154
00:09:16,333 --> 00:09:18,369
Pass the gravy?
155
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,701
No.
156
00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:23,370
You gonna eat that skin?
157
00:09:24,201 --> 00:09:25,202
No.
158
00:09:25,368 --> 00:09:29,505
But, actually, what's she's talking about
is chocolate.
159
00:09:29,669 --> 00:09:32,872
That's right. Whenever you feel
the urge, you just take two of these...
160
00:09:33,036 --> 00:09:35,672
...and call QVC in the morning.
161
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,505
Thanks, Mom, but I think it's gonna be
a long time...
162
00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:41,339
...before I become that desperate.
163
00:09:46,105 --> 00:09:48,641
These bonbons are great.
164
00:09:49,038 --> 00:09:52,942
But you know, I can't get my leg
to stop twitching.
165
00:09:53,438 --> 00:09:55,073
Oh, you get used to that.
166
00:09:55,872 --> 00:09:57,107
Freeze, bitches.
167
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,410
I haven't thought about men once,
I swear.
168
00:10:05,807 --> 00:10:10,479
Damn. I always get this place confused
with the crack house.
169
00:10:21,609 --> 00:10:24,512
Oh, baby.
170
00:10:24,677 --> 00:10:28,347
Is that a night stick
or are you just happy to see me?
171
00:10:29,644 --> 00:10:33,347
It's a night stick, Peg,
and I'm not afraid to use it.
172
00:10:34,778 --> 00:10:37,848
Al, I thought we agreed
you weren't gonna carry a gun.
173
00:10:38,012 --> 00:10:41,048
Well, don't worry,
I know how to handle this thing.
174
00:10:42,846 --> 00:10:45,348
That's what he said
on our honeymoon.
175
00:10:48,747 --> 00:10:49,748
Let's ride.
176
00:10:55,648 --> 00:10:56,849
This is great.
177
00:10:58,015 --> 00:11:00,717
Car 54, where are you?
178
00:11:00,882 --> 00:11:03,818
Al, we're car 54.
179
00:11:04,682 --> 00:11:06,651
Hi. I'm Mike from COPS.
Nice to meet you.
180
00:11:06,816 --> 00:11:10,020
Just act natural
and pretend I'm not here.
181
00:11:17,751 --> 00:11:19,119
So why did you become a cop?
182
00:11:19,285 --> 00:11:22,254
It's in the blood.
183
00:11:22,418 --> 00:11:25,721
My pop was a cop.
Top cop just like his pop.
184
00:11:25,885 --> 00:11:27,520
Grandpop. Both top cops.
185
00:11:28,686 --> 00:11:30,655
Make me stop.
186
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:34,656
As a cop, you're a flop.
187
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,557
So when did your partner
get shot in the head?
188
00:11:39,321 --> 00:11:41,857
In about 30 seconds.
189
00:11:42,022 --> 00:11:45,759
Just like all good cops we start
every shift with an equipment check.
190
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:49,325
Right. First, we check
to see if the safety's on.
191
00:11:52,156 --> 00:11:53,858
It's not.
192
00:11:57,823 --> 00:12:00,960
Sometimes
we have to make an example.
193
00:12:01,124 --> 00:12:02,125
To who?
194
00:12:02,291 --> 00:12:05,627
The remaining two spotted owls
in this hemisphere?
195
00:12:05,791 --> 00:12:08,427
It's kill or be killed.
196
00:12:09,192 --> 00:12:10,626
Let's ride.
197
00:12:14,026 --> 00:12:16,862
-Hey, Kel, how's it going?
-It's going great.
198
00:12:17,027 --> 00:12:19,763
I haven't thought about men once.
199
00:12:26,028 --> 00:12:27,629
You know, Mom was a big help.
200
00:12:27,794 --> 00:12:30,530
She said all I have to do
is just channel my frustrations...
201
00:12:30,695 --> 00:12:32,363
...into arts and crafts.
202
00:12:32,528 --> 00:12:34,263
Finished.
203
00:12:36,429 --> 00:12:40,066
I call it Death of a Shoe Salesman.
204
00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:44,066
You're doing great, Kelly.
I really am proud of you.
205
00:12:44,230 --> 00:12:45,231
Thanks, Bud.
206
00:12:45,897 --> 00:12:48,567
Hey, you been working out?
207
00:12:59,532 --> 00:13:01,367
Thank God.
208
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:05,367
Sister Claire.
209
00:13:05,533 --> 00:13:08,336
I just dropped you off at the hotel.
What are you doing here?
210
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:12,638
I was sitting in my hotel room
when I had a haunting vision of sin.
211
00:13:12,801 --> 00:13:15,103
You shouldn't have ordered
pay-per-view.
212
00:13:16,535 --> 00:13:20,372
I mean, I thought there might be
sinning going on here.
213
00:13:20,535 --> 00:13:22,971
Oh, what could make you
think such a thing?
214
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:28,374
Oh, we make these
by the thousands at the convent.
215
00:13:28,603 --> 00:13:30,772
-May I?
-Oh, of course.
216
00:13:30,937 --> 00:13:33,973
The Pope has one
of my space needles.
217
00:13:35,571 --> 00:13:37,506
Excuse me, sister,
the meter's running.
218
00:13:37,672 --> 00:13:39,006
Do you want me to go or stay?
219
00:13:39,171 --> 00:13:40,906
-Stay.
-Go.
220
00:13:41,072 --> 00:13:43,141
Hi. I'm Kelly.
221
00:13:43,306 --> 00:13:44,907
And I'm off-duty.
222
00:13:45,072 --> 00:13:47,575
Please, this commercial
could mean national exposure.
223
00:13:47,739 --> 00:13:49,908
Oh, this is all the exposure I want.
224
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,742
Oh, my God.
225
00:13:54,141 --> 00:13:55,576
Oh, no.
226
00:13:55,740 --> 00:13:58,443
Look, I made Stonehenge.
227
00:13:58,974 --> 00:14:04,046
Dear Lord, I thank thee for my talents,
which are considerable.
228
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:08,177
And Lord...
229
00:14:08,642 --> 00:14:10,444
...bless these good, decent Bundys.
230
00:14:10,610 --> 00:14:14,514
Lead them not into temptation
and deliver them from evil. Amen.
231
00:14:19,010 --> 00:14:20,745
Sinners.
232
00:14:21,244 --> 00:14:23,012
No, sister, this isn't what you think.
233
00:14:23,178 --> 00:14:25,781
Hey, Bud, get your hands off of him.
I saw him first.
234
00:14:25,945 --> 00:14:28,380
Lady, you are fired.
235
00:14:28,545 --> 00:14:31,982
Wait, sister, sister.
She's not my only client.
236
00:14:32,146 --> 00:14:34,181
Can you act?
And will you wear a dress?
237
00:14:34,346 --> 00:14:36,682
No and yes.
238
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,550
I've seen more action
in a shoe store.
239
00:14:43,948 --> 00:14:45,749
Not-- Not--
Not that I work there.
240
00:14:45,914 --> 00:14:48,517
No, I mean, I'm a cop
and a damn good one.
241
00:14:48,682 --> 00:14:53,119
Attention patrol car 54,
there's a 6-3-3 in progress.
242
00:14:53,282 --> 00:14:54,717
Finally.
243
00:14:54,883 --> 00:14:58,086
We're on it. Floor it, Danno.
244
00:14:58,250 --> 00:15:00,219
Wait. Wait. Wait.
245
00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:02,819
Let's be careful out there.
246
00:15:05,717 --> 00:15:09,154
Help. Help. Someone help.
247
00:15:12,252 --> 00:15:13,987
Help.
248
00:15:17,586 --> 00:15:20,188
Ma'am, what seems to be
the problem?
249
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,956
It's my Stanley. He's going to jump.
250
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:27,325
We've got a jumper.
Everybody stay calm.
251
00:15:28,621 --> 00:15:31,023
Is your husband depressed?
252
00:15:31,188 --> 00:15:33,757
I'll say. He's dead.
253
00:15:34,555 --> 00:15:37,325
We've got a dead man up a tree.
254
00:15:37,488 --> 00:15:39,924
No. Stanley's my cat.
255
00:15:40,089 --> 00:15:41,958
A-- A cat?
256
00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:44,825
I became a cop to rescue cats?
257
00:15:44,990 --> 00:15:47,125
Be careful. He's very high-strung.
258
00:15:47,290 --> 00:15:50,293
Ma'am, just step aside.
Let me handle this.
259
00:15:51,891 --> 00:15:53,125
Call for backup.
260
00:15:55,725 --> 00:15:57,293
Officer down. Call 911.
261
00:15:57,458 --> 00:15:59,227
Officer down. Officer down.
262
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:03,830
Quit, Stanley.
Stop playing with that, it's dirty.
263
00:16:05,060 --> 00:16:06,261
Don't pull.
264
00:16:06,427 --> 00:16:08,262
Don't pull.
265
00:16:13,394 --> 00:16:17,165
Man, how many doughnuts
can your partner eat?
266
00:16:18,461 --> 00:16:20,597
I think he's near his record.
267
00:16:20,761 --> 00:16:24,765
You can tell because the buttons
on his shirt are just about to pop.
268
00:16:24,929 --> 00:16:26,998
You might wanna take cover.
269
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:33,801
Man, talk about the ugly underbelly
of society.
270
00:16:34,397 --> 00:16:36,633
All right, that's it. I'm out of here.
271
00:16:36,798 --> 00:16:40,268
I haven't been on a shoot this lame
since COPS in Amish Country.
272
00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:43,400
You mean, I'm not gonna be
on COPS?
273
00:16:43,565 --> 00:16:45,500
Any available unit.
Burglary in progress...
274
00:16:45,665 --> 00:16:47,667
...at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.
275
00:16:48,732 --> 00:16:49,833
Hey, that's my neighbor.
276
00:16:49,999 --> 00:16:52,401
That must be that punk
who stole my bowling shirt.
277
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,302
Aren't you gonna wait for your partner?
278
00:16:56,467 --> 00:16:58,836
If you were in trouble,
would you want me to wait for him?
279
00:16:59,001 --> 00:17:01,470
You, specifically? Yeah.
280
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:07,373
Strap yourself in, camera boy.
We're going for a ride.
281
00:17:32,739 --> 00:17:36,042
Hi. This is Jefferson.
282
00:17:36,206 --> 00:17:37,341
And Marcy.
283
00:17:40,940 --> 00:17:44,210
Officer? Officer?
284
00:17:45,007 --> 00:17:46,742
Don't shoot.
285
00:17:46,908 --> 00:17:49,110
We just saw the burglar
right next door.
286
00:17:49,275 --> 00:17:52,612
You mean he tied you up and
smeared you with marshmallow fluff?
287
00:17:52,775 --> 00:17:54,577
Oh, that is sick.
288
00:17:54,742 --> 00:17:56,277
Yeah.
289
00:17:58,543 --> 00:18:01,045
The pervert.
290
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:05,078
Al...
291
00:18:05,244 --> 00:18:08,180
...is that you?
Why are you dressed--?
292
00:18:14,012 --> 00:18:17,015
She was hysterical.
Clearly needed to be subdued.
293
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:20,983
Yeah, whatever you say, chief.
This is gonna look great on COPS.
294
00:18:21,145 --> 00:18:26,050
Wait a minute. You mean, I'm gonna be
on TV all covered in fluff?
295
00:18:29,047 --> 00:18:31,383
Our work here is done.
296
00:18:31,548 --> 00:18:33,950
Let's go get that punk.
297
00:18:39,781 --> 00:18:45,320
Hey. Extra extra virgin olive oil
now available virgin-free.
298
00:18:45,483 --> 00:18:48,186
Take some home tonight.
299
00:18:48,350 --> 00:18:51,086
This is Sodom and Gomorrah.
300
00:18:51,483 --> 00:18:54,319
And I am not hiring
any of your harlot clients.
301
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:56,386
Hey.
302
00:18:56,551 --> 00:18:59,520
Hey, Tina Yothers is not a harlot.
303
00:19:00,418 --> 00:19:03,321
She was the best thing
on Family Ties.
304
00:19:03,485 --> 00:19:06,154
I preferred Skippy.
305
00:19:07,419 --> 00:19:10,656
Young man, I insist you take me
back to my hotel.
306
00:19:10,820 --> 00:19:13,923
Thanks, but you're not my type.
307
00:19:14,087 --> 00:19:16,823
Caught you, you dirt bag.
308
00:19:17,554 --> 00:19:21,124
Give me back my bowling shirt.
309
00:19:21,288 --> 00:19:24,057
Mike, you getting this?
This is my good side.
310
00:19:24,222 --> 00:19:26,858
Are you kidding? Nuns in an orgy.
311
00:19:27,022 --> 00:19:30,392
Do you have any idea
what Hard Copy will pay for this?
312
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:34,559
There he is, officer. Arrest him.
313
00:19:34,724 --> 00:19:38,160
-Yeah, book him.
-No, not him. Him.
314
00:19:38,323 --> 00:19:41,260
He destroyed my home,
he shot my cuckoo...
315
00:19:41,424 --> 00:19:43,126
...and he's not even a real cop.
316
00:19:43,291 --> 00:19:44,759
Or a real father.
317
00:19:44,925 --> 00:19:46,326
Or much of a host.
318
00:19:46,491 --> 00:19:47,926
Or very photogenic.
319
00:19:48,092 --> 00:19:51,228
Doesn't it mean anything that
I apprehended this vicious criminal?
320
00:19:51,392 --> 00:19:55,496
Yeah. It means, that you're going
away for impersonating an officer.
321
00:19:58,994 --> 00:20:02,631
-I hope you fry.
-Back at you.
322
00:20:05,995 --> 00:20:08,731
-Officer, can I have a ride?
-Wait, wait, sister.
323
00:20:08,894 --> 00:20:10,930
I just thought
of the most brilliant idea.
324
00:20:11,095 --> 00:20:13,264
I have the perfect client
for your olive oil.
325
00:20:13,428 --> 00:20:16,565
-That's what you said before.
-No. This time, I'm telling the truth.
326
00:20:16,730 --> 00:20:18,965
I mean, she's beautiful,
her schedule is open.
327
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:22,500
And I promise you complete
and total abstinence.
328
00:20:22,997 --> 00:20:27,067
So use Extra extra virgin olive oil.
329
00:20:27,231 --> 00:20:31,369
It's 100 percent pure. Like me.
330
00:20:32,431 --> 00:20:34,267
I can't believe it. You were right.
331
00:20:34,432 --> 00:20:36,468
She is perfect.
332
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:37,667
So the deal's still on?
333
00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:39,501
Absolutely.
334
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,035
Next.
335
00:20:45,667 --> 00:20:46,701
Ma.
336
00:21:00,736 --> 00:21:02,638
What kind of agent are you?
337
00:21:02,802 --> 00:21:05,905
That commercial was perfect for me
and you sent in your mother?
338
00:21:07,436 --> 00:21:10,172
Tina, baby, I got bigger plans for you.
339
00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:12,539
Right, like that last great job
you got me...
340
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:15,774
...playing Pebbles
in Flintstones in the Park?
341
00:21:17,105 --> 00:21:19,340
Well, you said you wanted to return
to the stage?
342
00:21:19,505 --> 00:21:22,208
That was a lame gig.
It rained all week.
343
00:21:22,373 --> 00:21:25,976
And that bitch Dino
kept trying to upstage me.
344
00:21:27,172 --> 00:21:29,808
I've had it with you. You're fired.
345
00:21:31,543 --> 00:21:34,246
Tina, I thought
you were happy with me?
346
00:21:35,314 --> 00:21:38,484
Bud, I'm sure this isn't the first time
you've heard this.
347
00:21:38,651 --> 00:21:40,586
I faked it.
25652
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