All language subtitles for DeadPool 10

There'll be no strings to bind your
hands, not if my love can't bind your

heart.

There's no need to take a stand, for it
was I who chose to start.

If morning's echo says we've sinned,
Well, it was what I wanted

now.

And if we're victims of the night,

I won't be blinded by the light.

I'll find a lonesome back here

Um, just, uh, I have to keep my hands on
the wheel.

Excuse me.

Woo!

Uh, Dopinder.

Cool. Dead.

Nice.

Smells good, no? Not the daffodil
daydream. The girl. Ah, yes.

Geeta. She's quite lovely.

She would have made me a very agreeable
wife, but, um, Geeta's heart has been

stolen by my cousin Bandhu.

He is as dishonorable as he is
attractive.

Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's
a reason I'm in this cab today. Yeah,

sir, you called for it, remember? No, my
slender brown friend. Love is a

beautiful thing.

When you find it, the whole world tastes
like daffodil daydream.

So you gotta hold on to love tight and
never let go.

Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got
it? Yeah. Or else the whole world tastes

like... Mama June after hot yoga.

Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste
like? Like two hobos fucking in a shoe

filled with piss. I can go all day,
Dopinder. The point is, it's bad.

It's bad.

Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Poole?

Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day,
Dopinder.

And I'm after someone on my naughty
list.

I've been waiting one year, three weeks,
six days, and, oh, 14 minutes to make

him fix what he did to me.

And what did he do to you, Mr. Poole?

This shit.

Boom.

They won't disappoint.

They better not.

What about next month's shipment?

There won't be one.

You're not the only one with a war to
win.

That won't do.

See, we've had this small disruption to
our supply chain.

We'd appreciate your patience.

Okay.

We'll deliver in for the following
month.

Yes.

I should do business with you.

Fuckin' mutant.

Ah, shit!

I forgot my ammo bag!

Shall we turn back?

Nope, no time.

Fuck it. I got this.

9, 10, 11, 12 bullets or bust.

Right here!

That's $27.50.

I never carry a wallet while I'm
working. Ruins the lines in my suit.

Oh. But how about a crisp high five?

Okay. Merry Christmas.

And a convivial Tuesday in April to you
too, pool.

Hey, yeah. I want to shoot, baby.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.
Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Shoot.

Shoot. Shoot.

Shake shake boobie, it looks to kill you
would be a movie or shotgun bang!

Oh!

Oh, hello.

I know, right?

Whose balls did I have to fondle to get
my very own movie? I can't tell you, but

it does rhyme with pulverine.

And let me tell you, he's got a nice
pair of smooth criminals down under.

Anyway, I got places to be, a face to
fix, and oh, bad guys to kill.

Maximum effort.

Cushion.

Rich Corinthian leather.

looking for? Have you seen this man?

I've never said this, but don't swallow.

Shit.

Did I leave the stove on?

Red suit.

Deadpool.

When will he grow up and see benefits of
becoming X-Men? Which benefits? The

matching unitards?

The house that blows up every few years?

Please. House blowing up builds
character.

You ate breakfast, yes?

Breakfast is most important meal of day.

Here. Protein bar.

Good for bones.

Deadpool may try to break yours.

You may be wondering why the red suit.

Well, that's so bad guys can't see me
bleed.

This guy's got the right idea. He wore
the brown pants.

Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so you're
gonna have to share.

Let's count them down.

Shit No Bad

dead cool

seven good

Someone's not counting. Six.

Four.

Gotcha.

Right up Main Street.

I'm touching myself tonight.

Francis!

Francis!

What the shitbiscuit? Where you at,
Francis?

You're not Francis.

Really? Rolling up the sleeves?

You're probably thinking, my boyfriend
said this was a superhero movie, but

that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking kebab.

Well, I may be super, but I am no hero.

And yeah, technically this is a murder.

But some of the best love stories start
with a murder.

And that's exactly what this is, a love
story.

And to tell it right, I gotta take you
back to long before I squeeze this ass

into red spandex.

Look, would it help if I slow it down
for you?

I didn't order the pizza.

Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?

Are you Mr. Merchant?

The Mr.

Merchant who didn't order the fucking
pie.

Then who placed the call?

I did.

Pineapple and olives?

Sweet and salty fuck are you the fuck
you doing to my trip that burnt crust? I

hope not man look This is about that
poker game. I told how yeah, I told it's

all about that Look just uh Take a there
be one.

Thanks Sir before you do anything to him
you mind if I get a big tip

Jeremy is it mm-hmm Wade Wilson

That is a no-go on the tip of Ruggiero.

I'm not here for him.

I'm here for you.

Oh.

Okay, well, I dodged a big-time bullet
on that one. Not out of the woods yet.

You need to seriously ease up on the
bedazzling. They're jeans, not a

chandelier. P.S., I'm keeping your
wallet. You did kind of give it to me.

Okay, just look, man. Can I have my
Sam's car? I will shoot your fucking

cat.

I don't really know what that means. I
don't have a cat.

Then whose kitty litter did I just shit
in?

Anywho, tell me something.

What situation isn't improved by pizza?

Do you happen to know a Megan Orflosky?
Getting that right? Orflosky?

Orlovsky? Yeah?

Good.

Because she knows you.

Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who
take a dime to beat a fella down.

And little Megan, she's not made of
money, but lucky for her, I got a soft

spot.

I'm a stalker.

Threats hurt, Jer.

Though not nearly as badly as serrated
steel.

So keep away from Megan.

Cool? Yes, yes, sir. Then we're done.

Wait.

We are?

No, totally done.

You should have seen your face.

I don't know what to do. I was so
scared. Soft spot, remember?

Leave the book in her general direction
again, and you will learn in the worst

of ways that I have some hard spots,
too.

That came out wrong.

You've heard the last of Jeremy.

He's sorry.

No freaking way.

Should have brought my rollerblades to
show these kids how it's done.

And that's why we do it. But mostly the
money.

Hey, think you can fuck up my stepdad?

Give a guy a pavement facial, it's
because he's earned it.

Hey, wait!

You're my hero.

No, no, no, no, no.

Never will be.

Fuck you, Wade.

I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck
up worse guys.

Welcome to Sister Margaret's.

It's like a job fair for mercenaries.

Think of us as really fucked up tooth
fairies, except we knock out the teeth

and take the cash.

You'd best hope we never see your name
on a gold card.

Buck? Well, I failed.

Hey, Wade. Wade Wilson, patron saint of
the pitiful. What can I do for you?

I'd love a blowjob.

Oh, God, me too.

The drink, blue snuggle.

First.

Hey, and I ain't taking any babysitting
money, all right? Make sure that gets

back to Ms., uh, Orlovsky. And her.

You sure?

Mm. You know, for a merc, you're pretty
warm-blooded. Bet you let the kid off

easy, too. Oh, he's not a bad kid. He's
just a little light-stalking. I was way

worse than him when I was his age. I was
traveling to exotic places.

Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville.

meeting new and exciting people and then
killing them yeah i've seen your

instagram so what was special forces
doing in jacksonville that's classified

they have wonderful dg on fridays all
right kalua bailey's and whipped cream

i give you a blow job um why don't you
make me make that kelly kelly kelly

kelly kelly take that over to buck
please and tell him it's from booth

little foreplay remind me what good will
come of this i don't take the shits i

just disturb

Cheers. To your health. Fuck you.

It's a nice duel.

He's still breathing.

Nobody wins today.

Nice try, Wade.

You got me.

I picked Booth in the Deadpool.

Who'd you pick?

Yeah, Wade, about that.

Um, no.

You did not bet on me to die.

You bet on me to die.

Wow.

Motherfucker, you're the world's worst
friend.

Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102
and then dying. Like the city of

Detroit. I'm sorry.

I just... I wanted to win money. I never
win anything.

Whatever.

Soldiers of force and drinks on me!

Gymnastic. Nothing imported.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

Are you sure you want to shoot your
whole lot?

Uh... Tight.

Vanessa. Wait.

What's a nice place like you doing and a
girl like this?

I'd hit that.

Buck, you best apologize before you...
Yeah,

that. Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

I am sorry.

Breathe through your nose.

I don't have a filter between my brain
and my head. Okay, okay. Hey, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho. Hakuna has taught us. He's
sorry.

Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.

Merchandise? So you, uh, bump fuzzies
for money?

Yep. Rough childhood?

Rougher than yours.

Daddy left before I was born.

Daddy left before I was conceived.

Ever had a cigarette put out on your
skin? Where else do you put one out? I

was molested.

Me too.

Uncle. Uncles.

They took turns.

I watched my own birthday party through
the keyhole of a locked closet, which

also happens to be my... Your bedroom.

Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.

You had a dishwasher.

I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty
much 24-7 ball gags, brownie mix, and

clown porn.

Who would do such a thing?

Hopefully you.

Later tonight?

Yeah. Hey, what can I get for $275 and a

Yogurtland rewards card?

Maybe about 48 minutes of whatever the
fuck you want.

And a little fat dessert.

Did she just put a gift card in your
mouth?

It's time to put balls in holes.

You said whatever I want.

I get it.

You love skee-ball.

Apparently more than you love vagina.

That's a tough call.

I just want to get to know the real you,
you know, not the short, shorter, two

-dimensional sex object peddled by
Hollywood.

Balls and holes.

Balls and holes.

Hair to lose tragically.

Bring it, big man. Okay.

What in that row?

Logger out.

The limited edition Voltron Defender of
the Universe ring.

Four for four.

Oh. Hey, there you go.

Man, this sucker froze.

And I will take the pencil eraser.

Okay. You are now the proud protector of
the planet Eris.

And you can erase stuff written in
pencil.

Milady.

Well, I hate to break it to you, but
your 48 minutes are up.

Hey, how many more minutes can I get for
this?

FYI, five mini-lion bots come together
to form one super bot suit.

Five mini-lion bots?

Three minutes.

Deal. What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?

Cuddle?

How long can I keep this up?

All year?

Happy

Valentine's

Day.

Happy Ch- Please, Nia.

You're the dog.

Relax.

I'm not being an actual women's dog.

Nia, no. No.

No.

Happy Lent.

Sorry. Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I love you.

Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your
right leg is Christmas.

Can I visit you between the holidays?

Oh, that sweater is terrible.

But red looks good on you.

Red's your color. Brings out the
bloodshot in your eyes.

Listen, I've been thinking. Really?

About why we're so good together.

Why's that?

Well, your crazy matches my crazy.

Big time.

And we're like two jigsaw pieces, you
know?

Weird, curvy edges.

You put them together and you can see
the picture on top.

Wade, there's something I've been
meaning to ask you, but only because you

haven't gotten around to asking me.

Will you, um, stick it in my... Marry
me?

Uh... Jinx?

Huh?

Where were you hiding that? Nowhere.

They say one month's salary, so, uh...
You mean... I do.

That's my line.

I love you, Wade Wilson.

You're supposed to... So that's a...
Yes! Woo!

Yes!

I feel just like a little girl.

What if I just held on and never let go?

Just ride a bitch's back like Yoda on
Luke?

Oh, Star Wars jokes.

Empire.

Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a
computer.

Here's the thing life is an endless
series of train wrecks with only brief

commercial like breaks of happiness This
had been the ultimate commercial break

Which meant it was time to return to our
regularly scheduled program

You're not clowning.

I sense clowns.

People react to news of late-stage
cancer differently.

There are certainly options we can look
into. New drugs are being developed

every day.

So what do we do?

Surely there is something we can do.

My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid
cancer, and there were all these new

experimental drugs from Germany...
Vanessa's already working on plan A,

B... All the way through Z.

Me?

I'm memorizing the details of her face.

Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.

Or the last. Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson.

Take your time to process this.

It's important not to do anything rash.

Now if I were a 200 pound sack of
assholes named Francis, where would I

hide?

Oh

Hush falls over the crowd as rookie
sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina,

Saskatchewan, lines up the shot.

His form looks good.

Oh,

and that's why Regina runs with fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're

witnessing is sweet dick-kicking
revenge.

Oh, give him the business.

Incoming.

This is taking unsportsmanlike conduct
to a whole new level.

Looking good, Francis.

Well rested. Like you've been pitching,
not catching.

Ringing any bells?

No?

How about now?

Wade fucking Wilson.

Gorgeous. Yeah, like I got bit by a
radioactive Sharpay.

Yeah, and whose fault is that, huh,
Francis?

Yeah, time to undo what you did to this
butterface.

You should thank me.

Apparently I made you immortal.

I'm actually quite jealous.

Yeah, but this ain't a life worth
living, is it?

Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp
Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.

I think we can all agree that shit just
went sideways in the most colossal way.

Well, maybe not the most.

This is my most prized possession.

Wham. No, no, no, no.

Wham! Make it big as the album that
George and Andy earned the exclamation

point. So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?

Think of it like spring cleaning. Only
if spring was death.

God. Well, I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Burton Ed Peters.

Sounds like you.

Bernadette is not going anywhere because
you're not going anywhere.

Drink. You're right.

Cancer's only in my liver, lungs,
prostate, and brain. All things I can

live without.

You belong here at home, surrounded by
your Voltron and your Bernadette and

your me.

Listen, we both know that cancer is a
shit show.

Yak off smearing off opening for the
spin doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit

show and under no circumstances Will I
take you?

to that show I Want you to remember me?

Not the ghost of Christmas me. Well, I'm
gonna remember us.

I swear to God I will find you in the
next life and I'm gonna boombox careless

whisper outside your window wham

No one is boomboxing shit, okay?

We can fight this.

Besides, I just realized something.

You win.

Your life is officially way more fucked
up than mine.

Wade. Louise?

You look like you need a blowjob and a
shower.

No courtesy calls for the latter first.

How about three shots of Patron? Or how
about Triticum Estimum? Wheatgrass.

Excellent for the immune system. Jesus
Christ, you sound like Vanessa.

Here, check it out. She's sending away
from all these colorful clinic

brochures.

I'm sure they're all FDA approved.

You've got Chechnya.

Isn't that where you go to get cancer?

You've got China and Central Mexico.

You know how they say cancer in Spanish?

No.

L-cancer. Oh, I could have guessed that.

Look how happy you look here.

Mind if I keep this, put it up, so I can
remember when you looked alive?

At least now I'm going to win the
Deadpool, now that you're going to die

tragically of cancer. I got it. Thanks.

Oh.

And that guy over there came in looking
for you. Real Grim Reaper type.

I don't know. Might further the plot.

Who's? Wade.

Mr.

Wilson. How can I help you? Besides
luring children into a panel van.

I understand you've recently been
diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Stalker alert.

It's my job.

Recruitment.

I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.

But you're a fighter.

Special forces. 41 confirmed kills.

One every seven weeks.

Same rate most folks get a haircut.

Just to wash the taste down.

It's tough to forget being so
impressive.

And now you spend your days sticking up
for the little people. Yeah, people

change. What do you want?

I represent an organization that may be
able to help.

What if I told you we can cure your
cancer?

And what's more, give you abilities most
men only dream of?

I'd say that you sound like an
infomercial, but not a good one? Like

Slap Chop? More shake-weighty? The world
needs extraordinary soldiers. We won't

just make you better.

We will make you... better than better a
superhero look

agent smith i tried the hero business
and it left a mark but if i ever hit it

i'll look you up oh uh we're within 500
yards of the school so you may want

to you know his drinks on him

What'd he say?

Hey, what's going on?

He made three of those movies.

At some point you have to wonder if he's
just a bad parent.

The worst part about cancer isn't what
it does to you, but what it does to the

people you love.

Who knew if this guy could save my life?

But I knew there was only one way that I
could save hers.

Isn't that what superheroes do?

Okay, let's pro-con this superhero
thing.

Pro?

They pull down a gaggle of ass.

Local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative
film deals, both origin stories and

larger ensemble team movies. Con?

They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.

You know I can hear you. Wasn't talking
to you.

I was talking to them. Stay right here.

You've been warned before, Deadpool.

This is a shameful and reckless use of
your powers.

You will both be coming with us. Look,
Colossus, I don't have time for the

goody-two-shoes bullshit right now. And
you are?

Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Negasonic
Teenage... What the shit?

That's the coolest name ever!

So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?

No, trainee.

Let me guess.

X-Men left you behind on what?

Shit detail.

What does that make you?

Pretending you're not here, Negasonic
Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?

Can we go?

Look, I'm a teenage girl.

I'd rather be anywhere than here.

I'm all about long, sullen silences,
followed by mean comments, followed by

more silences.

So what's it gonna be, huh?

Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment?

Go on.

You got me in a box here.

We can't allow this, Deadpool.

Please, come quietly. You big chrome
cock gobbler! That's not nice. You

really gonna fuck this up for me?

Trust me.

That wheezing bag of dick tips has it
coming.

He's pure evil.

Besides, nobody's getting hurt.

That guy was already up there when I got
here.

Wait. You're better than this.

Join us.

Use your powers for good. Heads up. Be a
superhero.

Listen, the day I decide to become a
crime-fighting shit-swizzler who rooms

with a bunch of other little whiners at
the Neverland mansion of some creepy,

old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking
motherfucker, on that day, I'll send

your shiny, happy ass a friend request.

But until then, I'm gonna do what I came
here to do. Either that, or slap the

bitch out of you.

Wait. Hey. Zip it, Sinead. Hey, douche
pool.

And I hope you're watching.

Quite unfortunate.

That does it!

Oh! Canada!

That's not good.

Wade, please.

Cockshot! Oh,

your poor wife.

You really should stop.

Oh, the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex.

I promise this gets worse for you, big
boy!

This is embarrassing.

Please, stay down.

You ever hear of the one-legged man in
the ass-kicking contest?

Do you have off switch?

Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.

Or is that the on switch?

Let us go talk to the professor.

McAvoy or Stewart, these timelines are
so confusing.

Dead or alive, you're coming with me.

You'll recover, Wayne. You always do.

You ever see 127 Hours?

Spoiler alert.

Oh, my God.

Nasty.

Oh, there's the money shot, baby.

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.

Rock, meat, bottom.

When life ends up breathtakingly fucked,
you can generally trace it back to one

big, bad decision.

The one that sent you down the road to
shitsburg.

This, well, this was mine.

Mr. Wilson, nothing warms my heart more
than a change of someone else's.

You finally hit fuck it.

I just promise you'll do right by me, so
I can do right by someone else.

Of course.

Please don't make the super suit green.

Or animated.

This place seems sanitary.

My first request is warmer hands.

And Jesus, a warmer table.

We should really come up with a safe
word, fellas.

I'm picking pork and beans.

Easy.

Aren't you a little strong for a lady?

I'm calling Wang.

What's up with the matches?

Oral fixation?

Or just a big Stallone fan?

Patience, Angel.

Going on good time.

Are you here for the turndown service or
what?

We have another talker. I'm just excited
about my first day at superhero camp.

Shut the fuck up.

Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

I manage this workshop.

Welcome speech used to be full of
euphemisms like, this may hurt a little,

this may cause you some discomfort, but
I've grown blunt.

This workshop is not a government-led
program.

It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself into

men of extraordinary abilities.

But if you think superhuman powers are
acquired painlessly, well, I'm injecting

you with a serum that activates any
mutant genes lurking in your DNA.

For it to work, we need to subject you
to extreme stress.

You've heard the whole make an omelette
break some eggs bit, right?

But I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

I was a patient here once myself, you
know.

The treatment affects everyone
differently.

It made Angel inhumanly strong.

In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.

I also scorch my nerve endings so I no
longer feel pain.

And in fact, I no longer feel anything.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You have something in your teeth.

Right in the middle there, just, I
don't... A little nugget of romaine

lettuce or something.

It's been bothering me for a long time.

I made you look.

Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because
it sounds suspiciously made up.

What is it really? Kevin?

Bruce? Scott?

Mitch? The Rickster?

Is it Basil Fawlty?

No joke away.

One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.

We'll see about that.

I suppose we will.

He's all yours.

Oh, come on.

You're going to leave me all alone here
with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?

This is how it's going to work.

Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the
serum, so we're going to have to make

you suffer.

If you're lucky, your moving genes will
activate and manifest in a spectacular

fashion.

If not, I will have to keep on hurting
you.

In new and different ways, each more
painful than the last.

Until you finally mutate.

Or die.

You mean like a bucket list?

Well, like a bucket list.

I'd really like to light a spliff off
the Olympic torch.

Pass it to me right after.

Let's not forget.

Naked, tandem base jumping with the
WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.

Anything on my bucket list would involve
public nudity.

Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Burney a
Dutch oven.

No.

Receiving a Dutch oven for Meredith
Baxter-Burney.

Making banana pancakes.

For my kids.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'm
touched.

We're just joking. No, no.

It's okay.

I encourage distractions.

We wouldn't be giving up on us now,
would we?

Hey, don't take any shit from him,
Cunningham.

How tough can he be with a name like
Francis?

Francis? That's his legal name.

He got Ajax from a dish soap.

F-R-E-N-C-I.

Oops.

Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your
lab coat.

FYI, I could probably get you the
superhero discount.

You are so relentlessly annoying.

Thanks. Never heard that before.

Why don't you do us all a favor and shut
the fuck up?

Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

See, here's the problem with
round-the-clock. torture is that you

can't really step it up from there.

Is that what you think?

If this doesn't unlock your mutation,
then, well, nothing will.

Now, what we're gonna do is lower the
oxygen concentration in the air to the

exact point you feel like you're
suffocating.

If your brain waves slow, meaning you're
about to pass out...

Then we'll turn up the O2.

If your heart rate slows, meaning you're
able to catch your breath, we'll turn it

back down.

And that's where we'll leave you.

Right there.

Oh, I thought you guys were dicks
before.

You know the funniest part of this?

You still think we're making you a
superhero.

You.

A dishonorable discharge.

Hip-deep in hookers.

You're nothing.

Your secret, Wade.

This workshop doesn't make superheroes.

We make super slaves.

We're gonna fit you with a control
collar and auction you off to the

highest bidder.

Who knows what they'll have you doing?

Terrorizing citizens?

Putting down freedom fighters?

Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You're never going home after this.

No, there's a brave face.

Wait, wait.

Seriously?

You actually have something in your
teeth now.

Until your weekend.

Weekend?

Weekend?

Amen.

Did I say this was a love story?

No, it's a horror movie

I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.

You sadistic fuck!

I've cured you, Wade.

Your mutated cells can heal anything.

Stacking your cancer as fast as it can
form.

Yeah, I've seen similar side effects
before.

I could cure them.

But where's the fun in that?

Not because I need to.

Because I want to.

Oh well.

Go ahead.

Oh, you smart shit.

Fuck. It's all right, it's all right.

I think we have him, that one, yeah?

You take off.

Go on.

Off you go.

Quick

question.

What's my name?

Sorry, Francis.

My lips are sealed.

Okay.

You don't want to kill me.

I'm the only one who can fix your arcane
mug.

I didn't just get the cure to L-cancer.

I got the cure to L-everything.

But there was only one thing that really
mattered.

God, it's so fucking hot in here.

Freaking...

I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade. It can't be that bad.

Ah, bullshit!

I'm a monster inside and out. I belong
in a fucking circus.

Wait, Vanessa loves you. She doesn't
care what you... Oh.

Oh. Do you like what you see?

No.

You look like an avocado.

Had sex with an older, more disgusting
avocado.

Yeah. Not gently, like it was
hate-fucking.

There was something wrong with the
relationship, and that was the only

catharsis that they could find without
violence.

And the only guy who can fix this fugly
mug is the British shitstick who ran the

mutant factory, and he's gone.

Poof. Yeah, well, you gotta do something
to remedy this, because as of now, you

only have one course of action.

Damn straight.

Find Francis. Star in horror films.

What? Star in your own horror films.
Because you look like Freddy Krueger

face-fucking topographical map of Utah.

There's what I'm actually gonna do.

I'm going to work through his crew until
somebody gives up Francis, force him to

fix this, then put a bullet in his
skull, and fuck the brain hole.

I don't want to see that or think of it
again.

But the douchebag does think you're
dead, right?

Yeah. That's good. You should keep it
that way. What, like wear a mask? Yes, a

very thick mask, all the time.

I am sorry, you are haunting.

Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth. You will die

alone. I mean, if you could die.

Ideally.

For others' sake. That'll do.

All you need now is a suit and a
nickname.

Like Wayne the Wisecracker.

Or Scaredevil.

Mr. Never Die.

Ah, shit.

What?

I put all my money on you, and now... I
just realized I'm never gonna win the,

uh... Deadpool.

Captain Deadpool.

No, just Deadpool, yeah.

To you, Mr. Pool.

Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking
franchise.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

Deadpool.

This shit's gonna have nuts in it.

First Francis?

Salsa water and lemon for blood.

Or wear red.

Captain Deadpool!

Nah, just Deadpool.

Don't make me ask twice.

Where is Francis?

You made me ask twice.

Is the mask muffling my voice?

About to take you all to school with
guns and knives.

Where's Francis?

Where the fuck is Francis?

You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.

Where's Francis?

No, please.

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, little spider monkey!

Crazy-ass car job, looking at doors, so
click, click, boom!

Where is Francis?

It's just confusing.

Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more
sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line

gets real blurry.

Stop, Francesca.

Tell me where your fucking boss is, or
you're gonna die!

Sexy motherfucker.

Sexy motherfucker.

Don't hesitate to go.

Nice to see you, Jarrett.

I'll take footlong.

Fully loaded.

41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89.

About to be 90.

Mr. Wilson?

Ding, ding.

You're looking very alive.

Ha! Only on the outside.

This is not going to end well for me.
This is not going to end well for you,

no. Where's your boss?

I can tell you exactly.

Oh, you'll tell me. But first, you might
want to look away for this.

Now this little piggy went to... Thank
you, Agent Smith.

Taxi!

Hop in. Wait for a ride.

And we all know how this turned out.

Whoops. You weren't meant to see that.

There. All caught up.

Seltzer water and lemon for blood.

Some kinds of anger can't be managed.

Like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting

dismembered.

That said, when it comes time to licking
wounds, there's no place like home.

And I share that home with someone
you've met. The old blind lady from the

laundromat, Al.

God, I miss cocaine.

Her?

Fourth wall break inside a fourth wall
break.

That's like 16 walls She's like Robin to
my Batman except she's old and black

and blind and I think she's in love with
me Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman,

too

Morning, sleuthy head.

It smells like old lady pants in here.
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.

But you're no lady.

Oh, so comfy.

Upside of being blind, I've never seen
you in Crocs. You mean my big rubber

masturbating shoes?

Yes, I know.

Downside of being blind, I hear
everything in this duplex.

Sit on a stick.

Back team?

Yeah.

Bactine should do it.

How's that Cullin coming along?

Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.
You're telling me.

I don't mind the Cullin.

It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Please.

Anything's an improvement over the
Hurdal.

I'd have taken an MNES or a Tresol over
the Hurdal.

Oh, no. I didn't get excited until I saw
the Cullin.

Screw, please.

Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's
been decades.

You'd be surprised.

I'm pretty grossed out.

I wish I never heard of Craigslist.

And I quote, looking for roommate blind
to life's imperfections must be good

with hands, or would you rather I build
the Ikea and you pay rent? Why such a

douche this morning?

Let's recap.

The cock thistle that turned me into
this freak slipped through my arms

today.

Arm.

Catching him was my only chance to be
hot again, get my super sexy ex back,

and prevent this shit from happening to
someone else.

So yeah, today was about as much fun as
a sandpaper dildo.

Hashtag drive-by.

Found out who our friend in the red suit
is.

Fucking Wade Wilson.

Suppose I'd wear a mask too if I had a
face like that.

I only wish I healed the same.

Still, we'll put him out of our misery
on our terms.

Right. And when he heals?

He can't.

Not if there's nothing left of him to
heal.

You know, it's funny.

I almost missed the fucker.

I like a challenge.

But he's bad for business.

Now let's go find him.

Tylenol PM?

You can stick that where you stuck the
Bactine. I raided my stash of wisdom

teeth to build a set, and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.

But I appreciate the gesture.

You are crazy.

Why is your hand really small?

About the size of a KFC spork.

I get why you're so pissy.

But your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman and tell her

how you feel. What do I keep telling
you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me.

If you could see me, you'd understand.

Looks aren't everything.

Looks are everything.

You ever heard David Beckham speak?

It's like he mouth-sexed a can of
helium.

Think Ryan Reynolds got this far on his
superior acting method?

Love is blind, Wade.

No.

You're blind.

So you're just gonna lie there and
whimper?

No, I'm going to wait until this arm
plows through puberty, and then I'm

going to come up with a whole new
Christmas Day plan.

In the meantime, you might want to leave
the room.

I bet it feels huge in this hand.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go.

So the doctor says the bad news is you
don't have that long to live. So the

patient says, how long do I have? The
doctor says, five.

The guy says, five what?

The doctor says, four, three, two.

Can I help you ladies?

I do hope so.

I heard you might be able to point me in
the direction of a friend of mine.

Name of Wade Wilson.

Sorry, I don't know the name.

You're not supposed to be behind the
bar.

I've seen this girl.

Oh, this must be Vanessa.

I've heard so much about you.

Um,

sweetheart, you might want to look
around.

This isn't really the place to do
something like that.

Easy, Angel.

Put the little man down.

We have everything we need now.

You sure?

You don't want any clothes that are not
monochromatic?

Let's have fun at your midnight showing
of Blade II.

Whew.

Thanks for having my back, guys.

Wait. We have a fucking problem.

And by we, I mean you.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Is there a word for half afraid, half
angry?

Yeah, frangry, I guess.

Have you decided what you're going to
say to her?

Fuck me.

Maybe not start with that.

Hey, coming onto our stage right now,
give it up for Chastity.

Or as I like to call her, Irony. Gotta
find her fast before Numbnuts does. How

do you know she's in here?

Because I'm constantly stalking that
fox.

I can just roll up cause I'm swole up.
So that birthday can't get to Cobra.

Bugatti for real, I'm Cobra.

The autobiography's over.

Got the key to my city, it's over.

Snow thoughts only in the color covers.
I said wreck it, wreck it, hold up. I

said wreck it, wreck it, hold up.

Every time I see her, it's

like the first time.

Especially from this angle.

You can't buy love, but you can rent it
for three minutes.

No, you weak motherfucker.

Come on.

Come on, get it together. This isn't
about me, this is about Vanessa.

Here we go.

Next one, I heard.

Vanessa!

Someone out back asking for you.

Something about an old boyfriend.

I knew it was you.

The weird curvy edges.

Like a jigsaw puzzle.

You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.

Hey, hey, where'd she go?

It's our head to the back. Go get her,
tiger.

Let's just well, we can talk or you can
hit that. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Hey, whoa.

Yeah. Whoa.

Relax. Relax. Whoa. Okay.

Okay. I think that's a good start.

Motherfucking.

Fine. I'm fine. I'm going to get angry.

All right. Okay. All right. Here, this
is Vanessa.

What? No, wait, it's Francis. He wants
you.

come to him. What is that?

That's the shit emoji.

You know, it's the turd with the smiling
face and the eyes. I thought it was

chocolate yogurt for so long.

I need guns.

Okay, which ones?

I need all the guns! Alright, okay.

It's about 3,000 rounds.

We all know what I can do with 12.

Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie
Millsap. We're downrange.

I was going to spend the night
assembling the boyji, but this is

holding my interest.

I told you, we're going with the
Urdvash, not the Bjorsa. Get it through

your head or get out of fucktown.

Shit.

That's all the pieces in the house. No,
no, no, no, no, no. Come on, let's go.

Cough it up.

Up, up, up, up, up, up, up.

Go. Down, down, down, down. Fuck you.

25 Cal.

I like it.

Wait.

I'd go with you, but I don't want to...
Hey,

listen, Al.

If I never see you again, I want you to
know that I love you very much.

And also, there's about 116 kilos of
cocaine buried somewhere in the

apartment right next to the cure for
blindness.

Wanna get fucked up?

Put that down over here.

Go on then.

Thanks, Dickless.

And I mean you.

Well, you're a talker too.

You and Wade.

I've been trying to tell you assholes
you've got the wrong girl.

My old boyfriend, he's dead.

See, I thought that too.

But he keeps on coming back.

Like a cockroach.

Uglier.

Now, I may not feel, but he does.

Let's see how he fights with your head
on the block.

Ripley from Alien 3.

Fuck your old.

Ah, fake laugh.

Hiding real pain.

Go get silver balls.

You guys going for a bite?

Early bird special?

Oh, like there's something wrong with
eating before sundown or saving money.

No, you know that bad guy that you let
go?

He's got my girl.

You're gonna help me get her back.

Wait, is that you?

Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an
offer that you can't refuse.

I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a
big house. It's funny that I only ever

see two of you. It's almost like the
studio couldn't afford another X-Man.

That, in my opinion, the movie Cocoon is
pure pornography.

Who brought this twinkly man?

Twinkly, but deadly. My chrome-penised
friend back there has agreed to do me

this solid.

In exchange, I said that I would
consider joining his boy band. It's not

boy band.

Sure it's not.

So, any luck winning Gita back?

I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but
Pandhu is more craftier and handsomer

than me. Well, I think you're pretty
darn cute.

Dopinder? Hmm?

What was that?

Uh, that was... Pandhu.

In the trunk?

Bandhu? My romantic rival, Bandhu.

He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing, as
you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a

tandoori fish, then dump his carcass on
Geeta's doorstep.

I did not tell him to do that.
Absolutely not.

You got lost in translation, Dopinder.
This is no way to win Geeta's heart

back. I'm so proud of you. Drop Bandhu
off safe and gentle like you kill him,

and then win Geeta back the
old-fashioned way with your voice. What

is Charm?

Kidnapper.

He's super dead.

I presume a crisp high five?

For you?

Ten.

Okay guys, let's get out there and make
a difference.

You know what to do.

Welcome dead, fool boy.

Time to make the chimmy fucking chongas.

Not often a dude ruins your face, skull
stomps your sanity, grabs your future

baby mama, and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.

Let's just say, it's beginning to look a
lot like Christmas.

Hey, where's your duffel bag?

Leave a message and have a happy day.
God damn it! I'm gonna do this the old

-fashioned way. With two swords and
maximum effort.

Hear the music. I'm a wolf in sheep's
clothing. Only nigga that you know who

can chill. Come back and get the streets
open.

I've been doing this for 19 years.

Niggas want to fight me, fight these
tears.

Rainn Wilson!

What's my name?

Ooh, I'm going to fucking spell it out
for you.

Go get some.

Superhero landing.

She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait
for it!

Woo!

Superhero landing!

Yeah, that's really hard on your knees.

Totally impractical. They all do it.

You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving
myself for Francis.

That's why I brought him.

I prefer not to hit a woman, so please
plan... I mean...

That's why I brought her?

Oh, no, finish your tweet.

That's fine. Just give us a second.

There you go. Hashtag it.

Go get her, Tiger.

Oh,

I so pity the dude who pressures her
into prom sex.

All right, then.

Fire!

Fucking her the fuck up! Language,
please! Suck a cock!

Look away, child.

Look away!

Wait!

Wait!

Big fire!

Big fire!

Hey! Hey!

You only work for that shit-spackled
Muppet fart.

So, I'm gonna give you a chance for
y'all to lay down your firearms in

exchange for preferential...

bordering on gentle, possibly even
lover-like treatment.

Why, Commando!

I haven't seen you since TGI Fridays.

Well, what the hell?

God, come here, you.

How are the kids?

Good? And Gail, she's still fixing that
tuna casserole? So good.

Oh, I'm bad for the waistline if you
know what I'm talking about.

Oh.

You're on the left. You're beautiful.

That is so sweet.

Thanks. Does he write you notes too?

He's such a romantic.

Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.

worn his brown pants.

You're right, beautiful.

Red really is my color.

Wait. Don't worry, baby.

Let me get you out of that shitbox.

What better way to crawl back inside
that head of yours?

Oh, you never laughed.

But you did, asshole.

Ah, deep breath, darling.

No way.

Wrong choice of words.

I hope they blocked pain to your every
last nerve, because I'm going to go look

it.

You grow back body parts now, Wade.

When I'm finished, the parts will have
to grow back you.

Good one.

Yeah, that was a good one.

Let's dance.

And by dance, I mean let's try to kill
each other.

Sounds like your last Saturday night.

Oh man!

Just think.

There are no words.

Me and you are headed to fix this
butterface.

Did you really think there was a cure
for that?

What?

You have me.

No.

No!

So,

you mean to say, after all this, you
can't fix me?

It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid who admits he

can't do the one thing I'm keeping him
alive for?

Any last words?

What's my name?

Who fucking cares?

Wait!

Four or five moments.

I'm sorry?

Four or five moments. That's all it
takes.

To...

Be a hero.

Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.

Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.

Not true.

Over a lifetime, there are only four or
five moments that really matter.

Moments when you're offered a choice. To
make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a

friend, spare an enemy.

In these moments, everything else falls
away.

The way the world sees us.

The way we... Why?

You were droning on.

Sure, I may be stuck looking like
pepperoni flatbread, but at least

fuckface won't heal from that.

It's wearing superhero tights.

I've been sparing psychopaths, and maybe
I wasn't meant to wear them.

Not everyone modders a hall like you.

Just promise. Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the
lookout for the next four moments.

Shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just
a boy about to stand in front of a girl

and tell her... What the fuck am I gonna
tell her? Well, you better figure it

out.

i can't even tell you i deserve that too
no no no no no maybe maybe not the

nethers start talking i'm sorry i'm so

sorry for everything i'm sorry for for
for leaving i'm sorry for not cowboying

up sooner for a couple of years

I live in a crack house.

With a family of 12.

Every night we spoon for warmth,
everybody fights for Noelle.

She's the fattest.

There's nothing that we don't share.

Floor space, dental floss.

Even condoms.

So you live in a house.

I should have come and found you sooner.

But maybe the guy under this mask, he
ain't the same one that you remember.

You mean this mask?

And this one.

In case the other fell off.

You just... Ow. Like a band-aid, just
give it to me.

Howdy, 5,000.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure?

Hey After a brief adjustment period and
a bunch of drinks It's a

face I'd be happy to

sit on

I'm

not the same underneath this suit either

Come on, Wade. Language.

Young one is present.

What are you still doing? Get out of
here. Go make yourself useful. You. Go

be a really big brother to someone. Tell
Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And

you, chicken noodle.

Nothing compares to you. Sinead
O'Connor, 1990.

Sorry. That's all right.

You're cool.

What in the ass?

That was not mean.

I'm proud of you.

We will make an X-Men of you yet, Wade.

You know, for a second there, it felt
like we were three mini-lion robots

coming together to form one super robot.

There's a stupid.

Yeah.

And now, for the moment I've all been
waiting for.

As promised.

See?

You don't need to be a superhero to get
the girl.

The right girl will bring out the hero
in you.

Now, let's finish this epic wide shot,
pull out.

There we go. That looks nice. It's gonna
be the only thing that's pulling out

tonight. Who doesn't love a happy
ending, huh?

Until next time, this is your friendly
neighborhood pool guy singing, I'm never

gonna dance again the way I dance with
you.

We heard each other.

How you doing, baby?

No.

Not you.

The bow-legged one.

Yeah. What's your name?

Damn, baby.

That sounds sexy.

Here I go, here I go, here I go. Okay,
girls, what's my weakness?

Okay, then, chillin', chillin', mindin'
my business.

You thought I looked around and I
couldn't believe this. I swear, I snared

my niece, my witness.

Something kind of unwicked, wicked, had
to kick it. I'm not shy, so I ask for

the digits. I hope no fat don't make me
see what I want. Slips tied to his

whipping. Belted in my hips, so I dip
back to my bag of tricks. Then I flip

for a dip. Made me want to do tricks on
him. Lick him like a lollipop should be

licked. Came to my senses, and I chill
for a bit. Don't know how you do the

voodoo that you do so well. This is so
hell. Makes me want to shoot, shoot,

shoot. Shoot, shoot, battle.

Shoot, battle, shoot.

Super Super Super

I wanna thank your mother for a butt
like that. Can I get some fries with

that shake shake boobie? If looks could
kill you, would be an easy or a shotgun

bang. What's up with that thang? I wanna
know, how does it hang?

Straight up, wait up, hold up, Mr.
Lover. Like Prince said, you're a sexy

mother. Well, I like them real wild.
B-boy style by the miles.

Smooth black skin with a smile. Bright
as the sun. I wanna have some fun. Come

and get me some of that yum yum
chocolate chip honey dip.

Can I get a scoop?

Baby, take a ride in my coupe. You make
me wanna shoot, shoot battle.

Don't you know I wanna shoot, baby.

Shoot, shoot battle, shoot battle, shoot
battle, battle, battle, shoot, shoot

battle, shoot battle, shoot battle,
battle, battle. Well, let me bring it

back to the subject. That's all it said.
Make you get hot, make you work up a

sweat. When you sit to my loo, my
darling, not falling in love, but I'm

falling for you.

When I get drunk, bet you by the dollar
you were best under pressure.

Yo, Sandy, I want to, like, taste you.
Get your lips wet, cause it's time to

have pep. On your mark, get set, go. Let
me go. Let me shoot to the next man in

the three-piece suit. I spend all my
dough.

Rainy, cutie, shoot, shoot, but do me
like Scooby-Dooby-Doo. I love you in

your big jeans. You give me nice dreams.
You make me want to scream.

I like what you do, when you do, what
you do, you make me want to shoot.

Oh my goodness.

Girl, look at him.

He's the cutest brother in here.

And he's coming this way.

Yes, and the B wanna get with me, cool,
but I'm wicked, G. Hit skins whenever,

quickly. I hit the skins for the hell of
it, just for the yell I get. Mm-mm-mm,

for the smell of it. You want my bod,
here's the hot rod.

12 inches to a yard and have you
sounding like a retard.

Big 12 of a 6'2 wanna hit you. So what
you wanna do? What you wanna do? I wanna

shoot. Shoot battle.

Shoot battle.

Shoot battle. Battle.

Shoot battle.

super super

You're still here.

It's over.

Go home.

Oh, you're expecting a teaser for
Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that

kind of money.

You expecting Sam Jackson to show up
with an eye patch and a saucy little

leather number? Go, go.

Oh!

But I can tell you one thing and it's a
bit of a secret the sequel we're gonna

have cable Amazing character ionic arm
time travel. We have no idea who we're

gonna cast yet But it could be anybody
just need a big guy with a flat top

could be Mel Gibson Dolph Lundgren Keira
Knightley She's got range who knows

anyway big secret. Oh and don't leave
your garbage all lying around.

It's a total dick move