All language subtitles for Andy Dick - The Roast of Pamela Anderson

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,940 here you go welcome back and good times our next roaster is the only person who 2 00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:10,700 courtney love thinks has a problem he is the primary reason that the donuts 3 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:16,100 backstage are no longer powdered he is a talented man whom we're going to miss 4 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:21,980 very much very soon actually unfortunately i'm being told andy dick 5 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:26,420 could not be with us tonight and in his place Long time Pamela Anderson plastic 6 00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:30,580 surgeon, Dr. Fernando Short Cream is here. Dr. Fernando. 7 00:00:40,380 --> 00:00:41,560 Hello, testing. 8 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,460 Good evening. 9 00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:48,160 My name is Dr. 10 00:00:48,740 --> 00:00:51,260 Fernando T. Short Cream. 11 00:00:52,810 --> 00:00:59,130 And for the last 15 years, I've been the plastic surgeon assigned to Pamela 12 00:00:59,130 --> 00:01:00,130 Anderson's breasts. 13 00:01:02,750 --> 00:01:03,790 You're welcome. 14 00:01:06,190 --> 00:01:11,170 I want to apologize, Pam, right away, because I was brought here to actually 15 00:01:11,170 --> 00:01:15,790 rip you a new one, since we all know that Tommy ripped the old one. 16 00:01:18,570 --> 00:01:21,910 Which, by the way, I used what was left. 17 00:01:22,590 --> 00:01:24,090 to make Courtney Love's lips. 18 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,750 Which explains her bad breath. 19 00:01:33,490 --> 00:01:34,490 Seriously. 20 00:01:35,030 --> 00:01:36,670 It smells like ass. 21 00:01:40,170 --> 00:01:46,170 You know, I'll never forget the time Pam came to my office and said that she 22 00:01:46,170 --> 00:01:48,790 wanted me to remove her asshole. 23 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:56,620 I said, okay, you married him, okay? I'm a doctor, not a divorce lawyer. 24 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:05,120 When Pam told me that Tommy gave her hepatitis C, I didn't believe it because 25 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:10,660 I figured the best Tommy could ever hope for was hepatitis D minus at best. 26 00:02:11,900 --> 00:02:15,060 And looky, looky, Elon Gold is here. 27 00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:19,000 No, nobody cares. 28 00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:23,010 Nobody cares. He's on TV, but we don't watch. 29 00:02:24,550 --> 00:02:27,610 By the way, how's that penile implant working out? 30 00:02:28,450 --> 00:02:29,890 Fantastic, fantastic. 31 00:02:30,590 --> 00:02:35,050 That's great, because you know, up until you came along, I've never put one in a 32 00:02:35,050 --> 00:02:36,050 butt before. 33 00:02:40,530 --> 00:02:41,530 Pam, 34 00:02:45,870 --> 00:02:48,290 I've been with you since day one. 35 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,740 And you and I both know that you didn't always look this great. 36 00:02:52,780 --> 00:02:54,880 You didn't always look like that, Pam, did you? 37 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,800 You have to remember that when Pam first came to me, she looked like this. 38 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:06,480 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm sorry. 39 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,280 That is not Pamela. 40 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,000 I'm going to kill my assistant. That's Lisa Lampa-cunty. 41 00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:16,300 Wait, what is your name? Lisa Lampa-dykey? 42 00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,920 You know, because I know what's coming. I know what's coming. She's got some 43 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:24,120 things. You know, I thought this was a roast for Pamela Anderson. 44 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:26,220 Not all of us on stage. 45 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:33,640 I don't want to hear. I don't have anal warts that I know of. I can't bend 46 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:34,960 my head back to see. 47 00:03:36,860 --> 00:03:40,360 It itches sometimes, but not more than you. 48 00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,620 If it's hot out, your butt itches. 49 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:49,260 But seriously, Lisa, if you'd like, I can work with you, and I'm sure with all 50 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:56,080 the modern advances in cosmetic surgery and the industrial cleansers, I can 51 00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,440 possibly upgrade you to this. 52 00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:06,760 Actually, that's quite a simple procedure. 53 00:04:07,140 --> 00:04:12,480 Lisa, we'll just shave your ass and give you a circumcision. 54 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,360 on your very responsive five and a half inch clitoris. 55 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:27,700 There's been a lot of jokes tonight about Pamela Anderson's breasts, okay? 56 00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:35,180 But as her breasts creator, I'd like to point 57 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,900 out that they're quite stable. 58 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:42,400 They really are very, very well engineered. 59 00:04:43,040 --> 00:04:44,040 OK. 60 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:50,080 This is all standard procedure. 61 00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:52,100 This is just a clinical adjustment. 62 00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:56,000 These boobs, these are my creation. 63 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:57,900 These are my creation. 64 00:04:58,220 --> 00:05:02,400 And by the way, by the way, this is an excellent hand exercise. 65 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:09,220 You see how they point straight ahead, a little up, like they're going to take 66 00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,880 out the Hubble telescope? 67 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:24,380 This is all me. All me. You could place a glass of wine on one, 68 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:31,140 and I could personally jump on the other, and the wine would not spill. 69 00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:32,780 No, seriously, guys. 70 00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:37,920 Seriously. Don't worry. She can't feel any of this. She can't feel... Come 71 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,920 here. 72 00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:42,760 Hang on medical emergency. 73 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:50,780 Oh Okay, I gotta go Nicole Kidman tried to blink and tore her forehead open 74 00:05:50,780 --> 00:05:51,780 again 5965

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