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1
00:00:10,394 --> 00:00:13,829
Matteo, my son,
he loves Halloween,
2
00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:19,710
and we were told we must see the
haunted house on Rose Street.
3
00:00:19,711 --> 00:00:21,462
- Ready? Okay.
- Yeah.
4
00:00:21,463 --> 00:00:23,673
Esmeralda: I took him,
and it was the worst
5
00:00:23,674 --> 00:00:26,884
haunted house in Toledo,
if not the entire planet.
6
00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,320
Okay.
7
00:00:29,346 --> 00:00:31,973
Nothing was scary.
8
00:00:31,974 --> 00:00:34,392
Nothing.
9
00:00:34,393 --> 00:00:38,688
"Evacuation plan."
Get ready to run away.
10
00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:43,025
- "Slippery when wet."
- [door closes]
11
00:00:43,026 --> 00:00:46,320
Oh, look, the giant. A giant.
12
00:00:46,321 --> 00:00:50,491
There was one jump scare
in the evil vegetarian kitchen.
13
00:00:50,492 --> 00:00:51,909
- [knife chops]
- Aah!
14
00:00:51,910 --> 00:00:54,537
But at least they saved
the best for last.
15
00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:58,874
Oh, finally.
Frankenstein's laboratory.
16
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,376
Are you ready for this?
17
00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:01,794
Yeah!
18
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,129
Hey!
19
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,505
They couldn't afford
the costume,
20
00:01:04,506 --> 00:01:06,132
so they put
Frankenstein in a tub.
21
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,883
Scary? Not.
22
00:01:07,884 --> 00:01:10,428
But more nudity
than I expected.
23
00:01:10,429 --> 00:01:14,015
He was stitched together
from dead people.
24
00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,492
Triple bypass.
25
00:01:17,269 --> 00:01:18,853
Matteo is a genius.
26
00:01:18,854 --> 00:01:20,354
He put it perfectly.
27
00:01:20,355 --> 00:01:23,065
"Mom, this is
the halfway house."
28
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:27,570
I said, "Amore, yes, halfway
between scary and a rip-off."
29
00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:30,406
In fact, I decided
to write a review.
30
00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:34,094
"What to Fear at the Haunted
House on Rose Street?
31
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:36,287
Nothing."
32
00:01:36,288 --> 00:01:37,496
- Hey, B.
- Huh?
33
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,081
Can you please
clean it up for me
34
00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,292
- and put it online? Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
35
00:01:41,293 --> 00:01:42,960
Esmeralda's a good writer,
36
00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:46,273
but she makes spelling mistakes,
coming from Norway.
37
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,428
All right.
This baby's ready to go.
38
00:01:52,429 --> 00:01:56,575
{\an8}[The Scrantone's "Song
From The Ninth Floor" playing]
39
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:25,145
{\an8}- Just a little drop will do.
- [phone buzzing]
40
00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:29,548
{\an8}Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis!
41
00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:32,486
{\an8}The cop from the bar just wrote
back. My office, ASAP.
42
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,763
Ned: Last week we went out
for margaritas
43
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,139
and urgent care nurses,
44
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,684
but I found something
even better.
45
00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:40,685
A cop.
46
00:02:40,686 --> 00:02:42,019
So I said to him,
47
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,312
"We should hang out sometime."
48
00:02:43,313 --> 00:02:45,564
And he just got back,
"How's today?"
49
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,167
- Mmm.
- So, what do I say?
50
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,860
- How about yes?
- Do you wanna hang out?
51
00:02:49,861 --> 00:02:52,655
Yes. We desperately need
a source at the police station.
52
00:02:52,656 --> 00:02:56,242
But it's just happening so fast.
I don't know how to... Um...
53
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:57,827
All right,
I'm just gonna say yes. Yes.
54
00:02:57,828 --> 00:03:00,371
Or no.
Maybe I just like his text?
55
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:01,831
- Yeah.
- He can't hear this.
56
00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:03,040
- No.
- Can he?
57
00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:04,083
- Okay.
- I don't think so.
58
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,043
Well, "Sick, dude."
59
00:03:06,044 --> 00:03:07,628
- Perfect.
- And crying-eyes emoji.
60
00:03:07,629 --> 00:03:09,880
- No? No?
- No, no, no, lose the emoji. No emoji.
61
00:03:09,881 --> 00:03:10,923
- No emoji.
- Why?
62
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,550
People love emojis, I thought.
63
00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:14,009
- Well, I don't think cops
love emojis. - [Ned sighs]
64
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:17,012
You gotta text with your balls,
Ned. Just do it sloppy.
65
00:03:17,013 --> 00:03:18,556
Oh, uh, yeah.
66
00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:22,518
- "Maybe a ride-along
or some shit." - Yeah.
67
00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:25,062
- Mm-hm.
- Yeah. - Sloppy.
68
00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:26,355
- Yeah?
- He's typing.
69
00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,481
- Typing.
- Typing.
70
00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:29,233
"Did you go to college?"
71
00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:30,234
Too sloppy.
72
00:03:30,235 --> 00:03:32,528
Shoot. Yup.
73
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,655
I'm just busy.
I just say I'm busy.
74
00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,240
- Just be honest.
- Sent.
75
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:39,160
- Okay. Okay.
- Mm-hm. - And now?
76
00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:41,036
- "Gun range in one hour."
- Nice.
77
00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:43,497
- Ooh!
- Okay. There you go. - There you go.
78
00:03:43,498 --> 00:03:45,958
Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?"
79
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,543
- Yes, yes?
- Travis: You want us to come?
80
00:03:47,544 --> 00:03:49,795
- Yeah if you would like. Yes.
- Sure.
81
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:52,757
- Thumbs up. [laughing] Oh!
- Nice, man.
82
00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:53,390
Good job, Ned.
83
00:03:53,391 --> 00:03:55,551
It is a date. Heart eyes.
84
00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:56,969
- No, no, no.
- No?
85
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,387
No. No.
86
00:03:58,388 --> 00:04:00,890
Hey, guys.
Don't forget ear plugs.
87
00:04:00,891 --> 00:04:02,475
[imitating gunfire]
88
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,786
- Hey, I'm coming too.
- Awesome.
89
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,521
People aren't going
to shoot guns
90
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,565
during work hours without me.
91
00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:11,650
Nicole: I still don't know
why Mare lied last week.
92
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,402
You'd only lie
to your best friend
93
00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:15,988
if you didn't wanna hurt
their feelings
94
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:21,410
or if you recently
became addicted to drugs.
95
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:23,579
- Hey, dork.
- Hey.
96
00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:25,790
Yesterday, I found a coffee can
under your car.
97
00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:28,501
Guess what was in it?
A thousand dollars.
98
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,419
- No way. That's amazing.
- Yeah.
99
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,296
It's free money.
You can have 500.
100
00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:34,423
No, Nicole,
that's your money.
101
00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:36,717
- You sure?
- Yeah.
102
00:04:36,718 --> 00:04:39,929
You can spend it on anything.
Nobody would know.
103
00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:43,641
Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk
about this later? I gotta go.
104
00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,785
- Later, dork. Bye.
- Bye. Hey, Trav?
105
00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:51,023
- Pew!
- I'm obviously relieved
106
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,609
she doesn't have a drug problem.
[chuckles]
107
00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:55,528
But since there's only one
other thing
108
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,112
she would keep
secret from me,
109
00:04:57,113 --> 00:05:00,407
I think it's pretty obvious
what's happening.
110
00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:02,344
Mare has a new best friend.
111
00:05:03,161 --> 00:05:05,454
I wonder who she could be.
112
00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,998
All right, remember,
the paper needs the police.
113
00:05:07,999 --> 00:05:11,585
We need them. We feed off
their tips like a parasitic...
114
00:05:11,586 --> 00:05:14,004
What's more noble
than a parasitic worm?
115
00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:16,966
- An eagle?
- Yes. Like parasitic eagles.
116
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:19,593
So I will be saying
certain things to them
117
00:05:19,594 --> 00:05:21,512
to make sure that they like us.
118
00:05:21,513 --> 00:05:23,180
So just play along.
119
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:25,599
[Ned breathes deeply]
120
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,018
- Using notes.
- Budweiser.
121
00:05:28,019 --> 00:05:28,995
Perps.
122
00:05:30,438 --> 00:05:31,706
Three fifty-seven.
123
00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:34,793
Coors. Coors.
124
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,028
Oh, they got snacks.
125
00:05:38,029 --> 00:05:41,866
Jalape�o garbage pail fries
with monkey sauce. Ew.
126
00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:43,826
- I bet they use seed oils.
- Ned: Oh, that reminds me.
127
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,911
There is a brutal takedown
of Guy Fieri's restaurant
128
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,998
in the New York Times.
It is an iconic review.
129
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:51,625
- Coors. Coors.
Buffalo Wild Wings. - Hey, Ned.
130
00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:53,419
Hey. Hank. How you doing?
131
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,670
- Good.
- Good to see you.
132
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,839
This here is Detrick,
this is Travis.
133
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,592
This little shorty here
is Mare. She's cool.
134
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,510
- This your first time, Mare?
- Hell, no.
135
00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:02,678
Three years
in the 68th Armored.
136
00:06:02,679 --> 00:06:04,388
- Oh-ho-ho! Wow.
- Wow.
137
00:06:04,389 --> 00:06:05,764
Thanks for your service.
138
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,850
Mare here has popped more caps
than a milliner.
139
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:10,394
- Jesus, Ned.
- It's a hat-maker.
140
00:06:10,395 --> 00:06:11,645
You guys want some snacks?
141
00:06:11,646 --> 00:06:13,022
You gotta try
the garbage pail fries.
142
00:06:13,023 --> 00:06:14,648
Do you know
if they use seed oil?
143
00:06:14,649 --> 00:06:16,567
- Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha.
- Ow! Shit.
144
00:06:16,568 --> 00:06:18,235
Garbage pail's right here,
am I right?
145
00:06:18,236 --> 00:06:20,362
- Load them in.
- [cops laughing]
146
00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:23,240
So you guys
have any crossbows?
147
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,034
- No.
- [scoffs]
148
00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:28,203
For real? Look,
I'll just take that pistol.
149
00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,456
Hank: So how long have you
worked at a paper?
150
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,458
You ever think about radio news?
151
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,084
I mean, radio's better
than paper, right?
152
00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:38,213
Radio's, uh, pretty cool,
especially classic rock.
153
00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:40,257
The Eagles, am I right?
154
00:06:40,258 --> 00:06:41,467
The thing about news is,
155
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,052
you're only as good
as your sources.
156
00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:44,219
Well, fair's fair.
157
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,346
I mean, if a guy slips you
158
00:06:45,347 --> 00:06:46,764
something good
off the record
159
00:06:46,765 --> 00:06:49,725
and you make him look good
and he gets a promotion,
160
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,518
well, you get better stuff
next time.
161
00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:52,978
- Mm-hm.
- Couldn't agree more. - Oh, yeah.
162
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,230
And you'd never show
body cam footage, right?
163
00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:56,875
Shut the [bleep] up, Bobby.
164
00:06:57,909 --> 00:07:00,152
Body cams are a great tool
for accountability.
165
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,279
- Yep.
- What are you shooting, Mare?
166
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,697
Desert Eagle.
167
00:07:03,698 --> 00:07:05,157
I know it's not
the most practical,
168
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,241
but I can't help myself.
169
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,534
You can handle the kick?
170
00:07:07,535 --> 00:07:09,244
Easy, Bobby.
Keep it in your pants.
171
00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:11,973
Bobby, why don't you go check
on the car?
172
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:14,601
Humiliating.
173
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,587
Sorry about that, guys.
Dayton transfer.
174
00:07:18,588 --> 00:07:20,589
Dayton. I should have guessed
with that face.
175
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,341
[Ned & Hank chuckling]
176
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:25,594
- Hey. Let's light these up.
- Let's rain some lead.
177
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,346
- Yeah.
- All right. Come on.
178
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,823
Crushing it.
179
00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:32,518
Nice, nice.
180
00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:34,103
[Detrick chuckling]
181
00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:37,898
I'm bringing cases
on all you bitches, huh?
182
00:07:37,899 --> 00:07:39,099
Oh, oh!
183
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:43,654
- King Kong ain't got shit on me.
- Detrick? Detrick. Just--
184
00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:45,197
- Come on.
- Oh.
185
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,134
[whispers]
King Kong ain't got shit on me.
186
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:54,999
- Travis: Damn.
- Detrick: Dang.
187
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,184
- Ned: Mm!
- Travis: Wow!
188
00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,023
Hank. [tapping]
189
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:06,820
First Amendment, Second
Amendment, best of friends.
190
00:08:11,349 --> 00:08:12,492
[Ned screams]
191
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,942
- What was that?
- Edwin: That was you.
192
00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:24,361
Unless there's
a second-grade girl behind you.
193
00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:27,197
No, what...? What bit me?
194
00:08:27,198 --> 00:08:30,034
- What?
- Something just bit me on the ankle.
195
00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:30,868
Jesus Christ.
196
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,953
- What? Like a snake?
- [stammering]
197
00:08:32,954 --> 00:08:34,872
Get your head
out of your ass, Bobby.
198
00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,750
It wasn't a snake. This is
a gun range. It was like a rat.
199
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,919
A fricking rat just ran out
and bit my ankle,
200
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,713
just when I was
shooting my pistol.
201
00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:45,883
- A rat?
- Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats.
202
00:08:45,884 --> 00:08:48,969
- Ned? Ned.
- [door opens]
203
00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,263
- It bit you?
- Ned: Did you see it?
204
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,431
Mare:
No. Are...?
205
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,349
- Damn it.
- Can I just see--? Okay.
206
00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:56,435
Okay. Let's just...
207
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,829
[Ned groans]
208
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,231
[Ned yelps]
209
00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:02,566
Ned, are you okay?
210
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:05,003
Ned: Goddamn it.
It broke the skin. Shit.
211
00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:09,073
[Ned groans]
212
00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,574
Hey.
213
00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:11,950
It was definitely a rat.
214
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,495
It was a brown rat.
It bit me and ran off.
215
00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,456
- Where?
- I don't know, Hank. The rat hole?
216
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:20,250
Damn it, Ephraim, do we really
have freaking rats here?
217
00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:21,311
I hate rats.
218
00:09:22,504 --> 00:09:25,106
{\an8}[in Greek]
219
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:27,591
Can you show us
where it got you?
220
00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:28,759
No, no, no, 'cause it's...
221
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,862
- No, we need to see.
- Sure.
222
00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,890
It's not a big deal.
[groans] I'll live.
223
00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:36,975
- Detrick: Ugh!
- Mare: Oh, my God. Ned, you're bleeding.
224
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,853
- Gnarly, man.
- Yep, vicious little bastard.
225
00:09:39,854 --> 00:09:42,397
Hey. Don't worry, man.
When we catch it,
226
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,607
you can blow it away.
227
00:09:43,608 --> 00:09:45,627
It would be my pleasure, Hank.
228
00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:48,296
- Oscar: Hey, Esmeralda.
- Yes?
229
00:09:49,531 --> 00:09:52,825
Your piece
on the Rose Street House
230
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,994
is something else.
I'm actually moved.
231
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,664
Esmeralda: Everyone is
talking about my review
232
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:01,375
of the Halloween House,
you know?
233
00:10:01,376 --> 00:10:04,169
[sighs]
It's a sensation.
234
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:08,966
"Thank you for writing this.
These people aren't monsters."
235
00:10:08,967 --> 00:10:11,885
I know, they're not.
That's why it's lame.
236
00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:15,657
"Finally, an article from you
that didn't suck."
237
00:10:17,642 --> 00:10:18,976
Someone gets it.
238
00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:20,936
Nicole:
If Mare thinks she can drop me
239
00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:22,146
as her best friend,
240
00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:23,730
she should know
that it's gonna be
241
00:10:23,731 --> 00:10:25,816
a very soft landing.
242
00:10:25,817 --> 00:10:27,651
I had a different
best friend before Mare.
243
00:10:27,652 --> 00:10:28,861
I can just go back to her.
244
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,839
Hey, Lola. Free for lunch?
245
00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,575
You got a lot of nerve
coming back here.
246
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,326
- Nicole: I know.
- Oscar: No, no.
247
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:41,766
I-I do not get involved with the
lives of my coworkers, period.
248
00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:47,838
But things between Adelola
and Nicole haven't been the same
249
00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:50,924
since Nicole and Mare
became best friends.
250
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:53,260
Also, Nicole's
college friend Krysta
251
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,596
was talking shit
about Adelola,
252
00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:57,514
and Nicole
did not have her back.
253
00:10:57,515 --> 00:10:59,183
[chuckles]
So...
254
00:10:59,184 --> 00:11:00,601
I guess you forgot
I like the ones
255
00:11:00,602 --> 00:11:02,078
that you can peel apart.
256
00:11:03,188 --> 00:11:05,022
- Oh.
- Oscar: I like to call it
257
00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:07,065
The Real Single Ladies
of Toledo.
258
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,525
Kimberly: If you don't know
the backstory,
259
00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:10,485
these guys were hot
and heavy lunch buds.
260
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:13,447
Then Mare gets hired,
for a while it's a three-way.
261
00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:16,867
Until one day, Mare shows up
with only two boba teas
262
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:19,494
and Adelola,
she gets left out.
263
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,538
It was brutal.
264
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,290
You're a fan too?
265
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,958
This show gives me
a reason to live.
266
00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:26,227
Adelola: It's fine.
267
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,216
Honestly, guys,
I'm gonna be fine. It's fine.
268
00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:33,800
I'm worried that
you lost a lot of blood.
269
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:35,510
Your foot is like,
snow white.
270
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:36,845
His whole leg's white.
271
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,805
- Then why is the bite blue?
- Mare: Okay.
272
00:11:38,806 --> 00:11:40,807
"Rat bites can turn blue
with the presence of
273
00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:42,851
Streptobacillus moniliformis."
274
00:11:42,852 --> 00:11:44,478
- That sounds awful.
- Yes. Yes.
275
00:11:44,479 --> 00:11:45,812
You're not gonna sue, yeah?
276
00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:48,649
I mean, still
the two amendments, right?
277
00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,400
- Forget about it.
- [clicks tongue]
278
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:52,444
I think we gotta catch
this rat, sir.
279
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,737
Make sure it's not rabid.
280
00:11:53,738 --> 00:11:55,239
It's not rabid, Travis.
281
00:11:55,240 --> 00:12:00,369
And Hank, ain't nobody suing
nobody, all right?
282
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:03,664
This has been super fun, guys.
I'll catch you again.
283
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:04,891
Oh, and Hank?
284
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,478
- Hit me up if you got any tips.
- [clicks tongue]
285
00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:13,006
We have to write this up, right?
286
00:12:13,007 --> 00:12:15,175
I mean, there could be rabies.
287
00:12:15,176 --> 00:12:17,487
You really think
there's rabies in this town?
288
00:12:18,596 --> 00:12:20,055
I have nieces.
289
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,474
There's way worse diseases
than rabies out there.
290
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,476
You ever heard
of the Black Death?
291
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,311
It would make you wish
for rabies.
292
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,272
Kendra, I'm not telling you
how to parent.
293
00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:30,941
I'm just saying, tell them
not to play with rats.
294
00:12:30,942 --> 00:12:32,442
Why is this a fight?
295
00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:34,569
I know that you don't wanna
lose your new source,
296
00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:37,155
but this is a potential
public health hazard.
297
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,323
Mare.
298
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:42,119
People don't buy the paper
to read about us, all right?
299
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,121
There's no section
called "The Editor's Ankle."
300
00:12:44,122 --> 00:12:46,933
- Yeah.
- So let's just get back to work.
301
00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,880
I don't think we should listen
to Ned on this one.
302
00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:55,966
Uh... Okay.
303
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,302
He's putting the paper first
like usual.
304
00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:00,012
He doesn't wanna lose
his new source,
305
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,138
and he'd rather
let his foot fall off
306
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,723
than advocate for himself.
307
00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:05,475
Why don't you guys go pull
the snack bar's health records?
308
00:13:05,476 --> 00:13:07,477
Okay?
I'm gonna find some rat experts.
309
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,187
All right. We're on it.
310
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,897
Just you and me on this one,
Trick.
311
00:13:10,898 --> 00:13:12,274
[elevator dings]
312
00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:15,360
So I've been called D, Big D,
Detective Rick,
313
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,988
Debt with a B, Detrick,
give me more.
314
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:19,323
Like, honestly, it's hard for me
315
00:13:19,324 --> 00:13:20,949
to find nicknames
I don't vibe with.
316
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,327
But Travis has a gift for it.
317
00:13:23,328 --> 00:13:26,514
- The Icky-Tricky Boys,
back at it. - Yep.
318
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:32,336
Nicole: There you are.
319
00:13:32,337 --> 00:13:34,921
So I hear your mom's in town--
320
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:36,899
- No ketchup?
- Uh--
321
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,902
Yeah. Of course.
322
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,307
Oh, Nicole.
Fetching condiments.
323
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,726
The ultimate lunchtime
humiliation.
324
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,269
That's why I love Adarina.
325
00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:51,146
She's gonna make you work
for it. You want back in?
326
00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,731
You'll be crawling
on your knees.
327
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,399
- Adelola.
- Whatever.
328
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,570
The positive comments
from my article keep rolling in.
329
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,030
[chuckles]
330
00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:01,740
And now I have an invitation
331
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:07,579
from NPR to talk to someone
named Gross Terry.
332
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:12,125
He is probably one of those
obnoxious morning DJs.
333
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:14,604
Should I do it?
Or should I blow him off?
334
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:19,609
- [shouts]
- Ahh!
335
00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:23,136
- [laughs]
- [sighs]
336
00:14:23,137 --> 00:14:26,598
I heard that you have been
bitten by a rat.
337
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:30,227
- Yeah.
- What a weird thing to happen to a man.
338
00:14:30,228 --> 00:14:32,604
They usually eat garbage.
339
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,624
Are you garbage, Ned?
340
00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:39,152
Ned: The universe has no reason
to punish me.
341
00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:41,863
But if it did,
Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross
342
00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:44,699
interview on Fresh Air today
for her progressive editorial
343
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,953
would be an effective way
of doing so.
344
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:50,372
Who was the real victim here?
345
00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:53,500
Ned with the gun,
or the little rat,
346
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:56,002
who was probably
a single parent?
347
00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:59,047
Uh-huh. And why would it run
towards a loud sound
348
00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:00,257
like a gunshot?
349
00:15:00,258 --> 00:15:01,883
You got the photo I sent, right?
350
00:15:01,884 --> 00:15:03,218
It doesn't look
like a rat bite.
351
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:05,095
How do you explain the wound?
352
00:15:05,096 --> 00:15:07,431
Um... Maybe a Bic?
353
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:10,267
- What?
- Or a Uni-Ball?
354
00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,501
Uh-- No. No.
355
00:15:11,502 --> 00:15:15,105
We have visual confirmation
that it was definitely a rat.
356
00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,065
Thank you for your time. Bye.
357
00:15:17,066 --> 00:15:18,209
[call ends]
358
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,653
- Mare: Hey.
- Detrick: What's up, Mare?
359
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:24,406
- How'd it go?
- So the snack bar's records came back spotless.
360
00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:27,284
- Passed every inspection.
No rats, no droppings ever. - [Mare sighs]
361
00:15:27,285 --> 00:15:29,619
Ephraim is really tearing
himself up about this.
362
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:33,498
- Ephraim?
- Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man.
363
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,292
Can you guys go back
one more time?
364
00:15:35,293 --> 00:15:37,419
And just check the outside
of the gun range?
365
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,004
If the rat
isn't from the kitchen,
366
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,255
where is it coming from?
367
00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:42,525
You want us to go look
for a rat hive?
368
00:15:43,468 --> 00:15:45,177
- Get moving.
- Okay.
369
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,362
Travis:
Okay.
370
00:15:47,296 --> 00:15:50,682
- It's crazy, man.
- Yeah, crazy. Come on.
371
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:55,145
All right. Come on, Tricky J.
D-Bag Slim.
372
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,730
What's going on with these two?
373
00:15:56,731 --> 00:15:58,148
I don't know, don't care.
374
00:15:58,149 --> 00:16:00,734
Not interested
in the dynamics with men.
375
00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,194
Hm.
376
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,362
- Travis: Tricky Diddles.
- Detrick: Stop.
377
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,114
Ned: I really think
we need to get back
378
00:16:06,115 --> 00:16:07,657
to the Glass Club crusade.
379
00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:09,910
I'm not gonna stop
the rat story,
380
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:11,786
but it is a very small story.
381
00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,372
It's probably more, like,
one line in the police blotter.
382
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,333
Because I'm not-- I'm fine.
383
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:17,792
Summer:
Adam?
384
00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:21,588
- Hi, honey. How was the doctor?
- I'm pregnant again.
385
00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:23,757
No, you were just pregnant.
You had the baby.
386
00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:26,384
I know. And then you said
you got a vasectomy.
387
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:29,137
I did get a vasectomy.
Remember?
388
00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:30,972
I went to the best surgeon
in Ensenada.
389
00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,349
It's next to
the fish taco place.
390
00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,226
They went in through my back.
Labrosopic.
391
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,394
I woke up in a bath of ice
holding a margarita.
392
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,063
[laughs]
They swiped your kidney, kid.
393
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,481
No, it was a vasectomy.
394
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:41,274
I don't think they would have
given me $500
395
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:42,734
for my kidney, Barry.
396
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,152
- Adam.
- What?
397
00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:47,405
I envy what
Adam and Summer have.
398
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:48,716
Sex.
399
00:16:49,992 --> 00:16:51,243
- We're back.
- Hey.
400
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,744
You'll never believe this.
401
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,996
There's a lab a hundred feet
away from the gun range.
402
00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,499
Check this out. Check it out.
403
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,959
Detrick:
So Travis took some pictures,
404
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,252
I interviewed a scientist.
405
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,670
- They got hella rats.
- Shut up.
406
00:17:01,671 --> 00:17:04,089
But there's one problem.
All their rats are white.
407
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:06,734
[groans]
Okay. What do we know?
408
00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:09,219
The rat was brown.
409
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,555
The brown rat bit a man
in a gun range.
410
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:14,015
The lab is less than
a hundred feet away
411
00:17:14,016 --> 00:17:16,142
but all their rats
are white.
412
00:17:16,143 --> 00:17:17,828
I mean, if they're telling
the truth.
413
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:21,273
Okay. New info.
414
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,275
There's a cosmetics lab
about a hundred feet away.
415
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,442
The rats are probably coming
416
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,944
to the gun range
from the lab, right?
417
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:29,114
Drawn by the loud gunfire
and acrid smoke?
418
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,533
Well, and the fries.
419
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:34,786
No rat has ever
behaved like that.
420
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,307
- [sighs]
- Unless someone completely rewired its brain.
421
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:44,296
Hm. And what would be
the expected property tax
422
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,881
on 100 acres
of residential land?
423
00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,634
Hm. See, that's... That's a lot.
424
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,511
- Hey. You got a moment?
- Sure.
425
00:17:51,512 --> 00:17:54,139
Can I call you back? Thanks.
426
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,283
Okay.
427
00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:57,559
So the key to this is,
428
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,894
the rat behaved
in a really weird way.
429
00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,146
It sparked my curiosity,
430
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:02,772
so I interviewed
a rat behavior expert.
431
00:18:02,773 --> 00:18:05,483
Now, a normal rat wouldn't run
out in the middle of gunfire
432
00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,985
and just aggressively bite
a human.
433
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,778
Have you ever heard of a rat
that would do that?
434
00:18:08,779 --> 00:18:12,574
But a lab rat that's being
experimented on, maybe.
435
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:15,660
But then we realized that the
cosmetics store is just a front.
436
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,537
Behind the lab
with the white rats
437
00:18:17,538 --> 00:18:19,664
is most likely a secret lab
where somebody...
438
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,207
I don't freaking know,
the military?
439
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,711
...is funding research on a rat
that runs towards gunfire,
440
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,255
weaponizing an aggressive
wartime rat, either as a,
441
00:18:27,256 --> 00:18:28,715
you know, end in itself,
442
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,925
maybe carrying a little
explosive backpack or something,
443
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:33,863
or as a prototype for
the same experiment on humans.
444
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,056
Forget the Glass Club,
445
00:18:36,057 --> 00:18:37,223
this should be our crusade.
446
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:39,017
This could be our Pulitzer.
447
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,202
Hm.
448
00:18:41,771 --> 00:18:43,956
I don't know
why he's not more excited.
449
00:18:45,232 --> 00:18:46,542
Hm.
450
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,880
Unless... he lied.
451
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,827
- Hey, Ned?
- Hm?
452
00:18:57,828 --> 00:18:58,828
This is Ashley.
453
00:18:58,829 --> 00:19:00,497
She's gonna be giving you
your rabies shot.
454
00:19:00,498 --> 00:19:02,082
Since you were bit by a rat.
455
00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:05,085
Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think
the rat actually had rabies.
456
00:19:05,086 --> 00:19:07,754
If you don't get the shot,
you could die.
457
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:08,689
Okay.
458
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,094
Jesus. That's the shot?
459
00:19:14,095 --> 00:19:15,279
One of five.
460
00:19:18,099 --> 00:19:19,557
Cool.
461
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:23,770
That's actually a boba straw
I spray-painted silver.
462
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,605
And Ashley
isn't really a nurse.
463
00:19:25,606 --> 00:19:28,024
I went to high school with her,
and we both did musical theater.
464
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:29,818
You'll be getting
two injections today.
465
00:19:29,819 --> 00:19:32,404
One is the vaccine, one is
the rabies immune globulin.
466
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:33,905
After this,
you'll get three more shots.
467
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,657
We'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.
468
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:38,952
Wow. No idea this was
such a long process.
469
00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:41,806
But you have to do it,
because you were bit by a rat.
470
00:19:42,873 --> 00:19:43,808
- Right?
- Right.
471
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,960
I wish I wasn't, but I was.
472
00:19:46,961 --> 00:19:50,213
Side effects include chills,
dizziness, fever, seizures,
473
00:19:50,214 --> 00:19:52,966
necrosis at the injection site,
vomiting, diarrhea,
474
00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:55,760
increased likelihood of stroke,
rectal bleeding, hair loss--
475
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,263
- Hair loss?
- Also rectal bleeding.
476
00:19:58,264 --> 00:19:59,865
Yeah. That was in there.
477
00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:05,395
All right, all right,
let's do it.
478
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:06,539
Oh, no.
479
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,009
Sir?
480
00:20:20,995 --> 00:20:21,971
No.
481
00:20:23,072 --> 00:20:25,999
The shots are so large
to penetrate the abdominal wall.
482
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,334
- Yes.
- I like to go in through the navel.
483
00:20:28,335 --> 00:20:30,503
- Just do it. Do it now.
- Okay.
484
00:20:30,504 --> 00:20:33,882
I mean, it was not
what you would expect.
485
00:20:33,883 --> 00:20:36,676
He was looking forward
to be scared.
486
00:20:36,677 --> 00:20:41,139
But in the end he told me,
"Mom, that was nothing."
487
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:45,351
So even your young son wasn't
afraid. That says something.
488
00:20:45,352 --> 00:20:52,317
Exactly. No matter what anyone
tells you, not scary.
489
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:53,777
Okay, if you're
just joining us,
490
00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,862
- my guest is Esmeralda Grand.
- Yes.
491
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:58,531
She's the online editor
of the Toledo newspaper...
492
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,200
- TTT Online.
- ...The Truth Teller.
493
00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:01,367
Yes.
494
00:21:01,368 --> 00:21:02,827
- And I want to--
- Thank you.
495
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,121
Hi. Ciao, America. I love you.
496
00:21:05,122 --> 00:21:09,042
So, Esmeralda, in order to
challenge people's stereotypes,
497
00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:11,753
you wrote about
a halfway house.
498
00:21:11,754 --> 00:21:13,546
But you wrote about it
satirically,
499
00:21:13,547 --> 00:21:15,715
as if it were a haunted house
500
00:21:15,716 --> 00:21:19,445
that wasn't very successful
at scaring people.
501
00:21:24,725 --> 00:21:25,792
Yes.
502
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:28,871
Do you have any sense
of what can be changed?
503
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,272
Well, allora, at first,
504
00:21:31,273 --> 00:21:35,568
my thoughts were a dead bride,
crying blood,
505
00:21:35,569 --> 00:21:38,321
and maybe a clown
with a huge knife.
506
00:21:38,322 --> 00:21:44,744
But now, I would say maybe,
I think, more social workers.
507
00:21:44,745 --> 00:21:47,372
Okay, I think I see
what's happening here.
508
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:48,915
My apologies to listeners.
509
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:52,752
We're gonna have to end
this misguided interview.
510
00:21:52,753 --> 00:21:55,964
Thank you. Thank you, Terry,
to having me here.
511
00:21:55,965 --> 00:21:58,091
Ciao, America. I love you.
512
00:21:58,092 --> 00:21:59,676
Oh, great job, Louis.
513
00:21:59,677 --> 00:22:01,987
Yes, Louis, great job.
Thank you.
514
00:22:02,805 --> 00:22:04,013
Now, if there's any reason
515
00:22:04,014 --> 00:22:05,723
you don't want
this strong woman
516
00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:08,268
to plunge a giant needle
into your stomach,
517
00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:10,186
I feel like now's the time
to say something.
518
00:22:10,187 --> 00:22:14,148
No. I need to prevent rabies.
Because of my rat bite.
519
00:22:14,149 --> 00:22:17,169
So do it. Just do it, do it,
do it. Come on, come on.
520
00:22:19,154 --> 00:22:20,130
Okay.
521
00:22:21,657 --> 00:22:25,135
Just... Can you wait outside,
Ash?
522
00:22:27,121 --> 00:22:28,097
Sorry.
523
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:35,295
Mare:
Dude, what is wrong with you?
524
00:22:35,296 --> 00:22:38,006
You'd really rather let her
stab you in the stomach
525
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:39,924
than just admit there was
no freaking rat?
526
00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,677
I mean, why? Why do you have
such a desperate need
527
00:22:42,678 --> 00:22:44,137
to impress this cop?
528
00:22:44,138 --> 00:22:47,658
I don't have a desperate need
to impress a cop.
529
00:22:50,102 --> 00:22:52,204
You hit the bullseye
on your first shot.
530
00:22:53,647 --> 00:22:55,708
- Dude.
- You were in the Army.
531
00:22:58,485 --> 00:23:01,321
In all honesty,
when the gun startled you,
532
00:23:01,322 --> 00:23:02,822
was it the bang
or the recoil?
533
00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:04,216
It pinched my finger.
534
00:23:07,369 --> 00:23:08,512
- Bang!
- [screams]
535
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,164
- Oh, my God.
- Damn it.
536
00:23:11,165 --> 00:23:12,099
You're cute.
537
00:23:13,709 --> 00:23:15,561
- You're really cute.
- [Ned sighs]
538
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:19,857
- Thank you.
- And you have a cute tushy.
539
00:23:23,844 --> 00:23:28,866
[The Scrantone's "Song
From the Ninth Floor" plays]
540
00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:31,351
{\an8}Mare:
Wait, what?
541
00:23:31,352 --> 00:23:32,852
{\an8}She thought I left her out?
542
00:23:32,853 --> 00:23:35,229
{\an8}I just thought Adelola
didn't like Japanese food.
543
00:23:35,230 --> 00:23:36,773
{\an8}Oh, my God.
544
00:23:36,774 --> 00:23:38,358
{\an8}- Hey.
- Adelola: Hey.
545
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,086
{\an8}I think I forgot to get you
one of these a while ago.
546
00:23:42,196 --> 00:23:43,130
{\an8}Oh.
547
00:23:44,031 --> 00:23:45,007
{\an8}Thanks.
548
00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:49,720
{\an8}Where's the straw?
549
00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:52,848
{\an8}How am I supposed to drink this?
550
00:23:55,709 --> 00:23:58,419
{\an8}And we're back.
551
00:23:58,420 --> 00:24:03,317
{\an8}[The Scrantone's "Song
From the Ninth Floor" playing]
552
00:24:03,367 --> 00:24:07,917
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