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1
00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:03,916
Vicki. Vicki, come in!
2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,962
Vicki.
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:06,876
This is fun.
4
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:08,660
Where are we going?
5
00:00:08,704 --> 00:00:10,967
Vicki! Vicki!
6
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,012
Vicki, come in!
7
00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:13,317
Vicki, do you copy?
8
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:15,102
Shit, her signal's dead.
9
00:00:15,145 --> 00:00:17,278
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
10
00:00:17,321 --> 00:00:20,063
Okay, Checkers,
looks like Vicki is forcing us
11
00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:21,499
to go with plan B.
12
00:00:21,543 --> 00:00:23,066
And I'm not talking about
the morning-after pill,
13
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:25,634
which I have used several times
after one night stands
14
00:00:25,677 --> 00:00:27,810
and a few times
with long-term relationships
15
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:28,898
in which I just wasn't ready
16
00:00:28,941 --> 00:00:30,160
to make that kind
of commitment yet.
17
00:00:30,204 --> 00:00:32,162
But no, the other plan B,
18
00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,077
an alternate plan to plan A,
19
00:00:34,121 --> 00:00:35,818
which Vicki just
fucking torpedoed
20
00:00:35,861 --> 00:00:37,080
like a Russian U-boat.
21
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,255
Right.
22
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:39,517
Ooh, driving fast.
23
00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:40,866
Got her.
24
00:00:40,910 --> 00:00:42,433
They're in a black SUV
heading east on Bayshore.
25
00:00:42,477 --> 00:00:44,870
Shit, Checkers,
meet at the Miata, stat!
26
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:54,706
Vicky, Vicky, do you copy?
27
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:55,968
Do you copy?
28
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:57,144
Vicky, do you copy?
29
00:00:57,187 --> 00:00:58,232
Oh, thank God.
30
00:00:58,275 --> 00:01:00,060
I copy.
31
00:01:00,103 --> 00:01:01,365
Sorry, I just
32
00:01:01,409 --> 00:01:02,758
have to clear my throat.
33
00:01:02,801 --> 00:01:03,846
Oh, gotcha, Vicki!
34
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,456
Okay, look, we lost your 20.
35
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:08,633
So any information you could
sneak us would be a big help.
36
00:01:10,548 --> 00:01:13,160
♪ Going down the street
37
00:01:13,203 --> 00:01:15,553
♪ Going straight,
straight, straight ♪
38
00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:19,470
♪ And left, left, left,
and straight again ♪
39
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:21,124
Keep it down back there.
40
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:22,386
Sorry.
41
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,520
I get carsick
if I don't sing to myself
42
00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:27,304
in an American accent.
43
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:28,697
Doing a great job, Vick.
44
00:01:28,740 --> 00:01:31,787
But can you give us
anything more specific?
45
00:01:31,830 --> 00:01:33,223
♪ The road's got a lump
46
00:01:33,267 --> 00:01:34,703
♪ And a bump
and a thumpity-thump ♪
47
00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:37,749
♪ And we hit
a gravel patch, y'all ♪
48
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,882
♪ So I think
it's only natural ♪
49
00:01:39,925 --> 00:01:42,711
♪ To assume we're off
the main road ♪
50
00:01:42,754 --> 00:01:43,842
Gravel road?
51
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,061
She must've left downtown.
52
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,236
All right,
that's great, Vick.
53
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,890
You're in
silver medal territory,
54
00:01:47,933 --> 00:01:49,979
but we're going for the gold.
55
00:01:50,022 --> 00:01:51,328
Got it.
56
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:54,418
♪ And when you cross
the train tracks ♪
57
00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:57,595
♪ And you hear
that crunching metal ♪
58
00:01:57,639 --> 00:02:03,166
♪ That's the end of the road
for us ♪
59
00:02:03,210 --> 00:02:05,081
♪ Us
60
00:02:06,169 --> 00:02:08,171
♪ 'Cause we stopped
61
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,129
I know where she is.
62
00:02:09,172 --> 00:02:10,217
Nice, Checkers.
63
00:02:10,260 --> 00:02:11,957
Vicki, we're on our way.
64
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:17,528
There's only one
active rail line
65
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:19,008
near the old wrecking yard.
66
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:20,836
This has to be the place.
67
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:24,927
Bingo.
68
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:26,668
They must've already
taken her inside.
69
00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:27,973
Shit!
70
00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:29,279
All right, Checkers.
71
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,976
Time to pump the bump.
72
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:34,197
MacGruber, we have no idea
what we're up against in there.
73
00:02:34,241 --> 00:02:35,764
I think it's time
to call the cavalry.
74
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,461
Checkers...
75
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:40,769
we are the fucking cavalry.
76
00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:44,207
I overextended it. Hang on.
77
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,861
Let me get the key in here.
78
00:03:08,275 --> 00:03:13,149
♪ MacGruber
79
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,809
Dr. Poliskaya.
80
00:03:20,852 --> 00:03:23,594
It is a pleasure
to finally meet you.
81
00:03:25,466 --> 00:03:27,076
And a very pleasure
82
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,861
to meet you, Mr.
83
00:03:29,905 --> 00:03:33,213
I've been such a fan of yours
since Oslo.
84
00:03:35,127 --> 00:03:37,391
Oslo.
85
00:03:40,176 --> 00:03:43,135
Well, we should probably
get to work.
86
00:03:43,179 --> 00:03:45,268
Great.
Let me show you to the lab.
87
00:03:47,314 --> 00:03:49,272
Vicki, we made it inside.
88
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:51,405
Look, this may be
your last chance.
89
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,581
We can provide cover fire,
okay?
90
00:03:53,624 --> 00:03:56,366
So just make a break for it
and head for us.
91
00:03:56,410 --> 00:03:58,803
We're roughly, like,
10 feet above you, right?
92
00:03:58,847 --> 00:04:01,284
At your, like, 7:00 a.m.
Pacific Standard Time.
93
00:04:01,328 --> 00:04:02,938
No, no, no, no, no,
like, 6:00 a.m.?
94
00:04:02,981 --> 00:04:05,593
So 7:00 a.m.
Mountain Standard Time.
95
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:07,116
No, Checkers,
would you say this is 7:00?
96
00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:08,335
We're upstairs.
97
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:10,250
Checkers, don't confuse her!
98
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,034
Vicki, I am so sorry about him.
99
00:04:12,077 --> 00:04:15,385
So, like, 7:00-ish
and maybe 12 feet.
100
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,039
Wait, wait, wait, Vicki!
101
00:04:17,082 --> 00:04:19,128
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
102
00:04:19,171 --> 00:04:21,217
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
103
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:23,088
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
104
00:04:23,132 --> 00:04:24,829
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
105
00:04:24,873 --> 00:04:26,266
Vicki, Vicki, Vicki!
106
00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,528
Vicki, Vicki--shit!
107
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:29,007
She turned off her ear thingy.
108
00:04:29,051 --> 00:04:30,182
Oh, no, damn it!
109
00:04:30,226 --> 00:04:31,314
Nice going, Checkers!
110
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:32,576
Sorry.
111
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:33,925
I think you'll find
that everything
112
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:36,624
is exactly
to your specifications.
113
00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,016
Yes.
114
00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:40,671
I very hope it's acceptable.
115
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:43,326
Mm-hmm.
116
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:46,503
Ah, little refrigerator.
117
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:50,420
Nope. Hmm.
Something else.
118
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:56,252
These are good for looking
at small things.
119
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,472
Mm-hmm.
120
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:02,302
Use a lot of cabinets
for my...
121
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,129
tubes.
122
00:05:04,173 --> 00:05:06,306
Ah, this is...
123
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:07,959
missing, um, s--
124
00:05:08,003 --> 00:05:09,657
oh!
125
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,485
There it is.
126
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:16,316
Then I guess we are,
as you say,
127
00:05:16,359 --> 00:05:20,450
very...set to jet.
128
00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:22,322
Shit. What's the play here?
129
00:05:22,365 --> 00:05:23,714
What's the fucking play?
130
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:25,237
Maybe we just stand down.
131
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:26,500
It looks like it's working.
132
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,458
What happens
when she destroys Brimstone?
133
00:05:28,502 --> 00:05:29,590
They'll kill her!
134
00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:30,895
I know this is difficult,
135
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,855
but like you said,
Vicki's a soldier.
136
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,160
This is her call.
137
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,168
No!
138
00:05:43,212 --> 00:05:44,344
MacGruber!
139
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,911
Where are you going?
140
00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:48,348
Shit.
141
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:51,394
So where is the item?
142
00:05:51,438 --> 00:05:53,178
I thought you'd never ask.
143
00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:22,382
Freeze!
144
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:23,557
Make one more move
145
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,428
and I'll blow
your fucking hands off
146
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,387
and then use
the remaining bullets
147
00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:28,866
to explode your fucking head!
148
00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:31,869
Put your fucking hands up,
woman!
149
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:35,220
And not a move
from anyone else.
150
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:38,789
Hello, Lon, Baker, Bex,
151
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:41,836
other assorted pieces
of fucking shit.
152
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:44,360
That woman is not
who you think she is.
153
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,756
She's not a Russian scientist,
but rather an American soldier.
154
00:06:48,799 --> 00:06:50,714
That man is insane.
155
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:54,022
He does not know
what he's talking about.
156
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:56,677
Her sole intention is
to get ahold of Brimstone
157
00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:57,895
and destroy it.
158
00:06:57,939 --> 00:06:59,375
And unless you want that
to happen,
159
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,899
you will do exactly as I say.
160
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:06,251
Now, Lon, slowly raise your gun
and point it at Vicki's head.
161
00:07:08,340 --> 00:07:09,907
Point your gun at her head
162
00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:12,432
or I will shoot her
in the head!
163
00:07:12,475 --> 00:07:15,086
Slowly. Good boy.
164
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:16,392
Nice job.
165
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,438
Now, if she so much as breathes
166
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:20,004
in the direction
of that canister,
167
00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:22,485
you empty those clips into her,
all right?
168
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:25,575
Hang on. BRB.
169
00:07:32,190 --> 00:07:33,104
All right.
Jesus.
170
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:34,279
Yeah, yeah.
171
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:36,325
What's this here, you wonder.
172
00:07:36,368 --> 00:07:38,936
This is
the real Irina Poliskaya!
173
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:41,504
Yeah, we were able
to switch her out at the hotel.
174
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:44,638
And you dumb pieces of shit
had no idea.
175
00:07:44,681 --> 00:07:47,728
Yeah, we fucking pwned you
so hard.
176
00:07:47,771 --> 00:07:50,252
Now I propose a little trade.
177
00:07:50,295 --> 00:07:52,472
So what do you say,
you wanna let Vicki go?
178
00:07:52,515 --> 00:07:54,299
Continue Queeth's evil plan?
179
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,258
Or you wanna kill Vicki
180
00:07:56,301 --> 00:07:58,956
and make me kill Irina
and probably most of you,
181
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,176
and then everyone's gotta go
to a bunch of funerals?
182
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:04,396
How do we know
she's the real scientist?
183
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,224
Say some fucking
science shit.
184
00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:08,923
Weaponizing the compounds
185
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:11,621
depends on the practical
aerosolization,
186
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:16,147
which is synthesis
of exactly 0.74
187
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,714
microns per million.
188
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:19,324
Checks out.
189
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:21,631
Now you go.
190
00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:26,375
Cooking an egg is a science.
191
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:29,813
Folding towels is a science.
192
00:08:29,857 --> 00:08:32,642
Okay, you can have her.
193
00:08:32,686 --> 00:08:35,036
Send over
the real scientist first.
194
00:08:35,079 --> 00:08:36,428
No fucking way!
195
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,866
You send Vicki first,
then I send the scientist.
196
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,172
- No deal.
- Fuck!
197
00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:43,218
Okay, same timesies?
198
00:08:43,261 --> 00:08:45,742
Fine, but if anything
funny happens...
199
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:47,352
She's dead.
200
00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:49,877
You took the words
right out of my mouth.
201
00:08:49,920 --> 00:08:51,922
I mean, I was literally
about to say,
202
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:54,621
"If anything funny happens,
the scientist dies."
203
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,579
I mean, it's not exactly
the same, but same gist.
204
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,320
Let's get on with this!
205
00:08:58,363 --> 00:09:00,757
Okay, so, ladies,
let's start walking
206
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:04,369
in three, two, one.
207
00:09:04,413 --> 00:09:05,545
Walk.
208
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:07,416
He said, "Walk."
209
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,248
You don't have to do this.
210
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:14,249
Go to hell.
211
00:09:14,292 --> 00:09:16,033
Eat a toilet sandwich!
212
00:09:16,077 --> 00:09:17,426
- What?
- I don't know.
213
00:09:17,469 --> 00:09:20,342
Run, Vicki!
214
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:25,565
Vicki, stay down!
215
00:09:25,608 --> 00:09:26,609
You're safe now!
216
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,310
Oh, oh, oh!
217
00:09:32,354 --> 00:09:34,965
Checkers, Checkers,
we're out of ammo!
218
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:36,184
Where the hell are you?
219
00:09:37,751 --> 00:09:40,667
God damn it, Checkers,
we're sitting ducks here!
220
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,235
What's the fucking play here?
221
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,630
Hey, Lon!
222
00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,632
You better check yourself!
223
00:09:49,676 --> 00:09:52,026
We got, uh, plenty of bullets
over here!
224
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:53,418
No, we don't! He's lying!
225
00:09:53,462 --> 00:09:54,985
Vicki!
226
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,074
You're gonna believe her?
227
00:09:57,118 --> 00:10:00,469
A known liar who just lied
to your face?
228
00:10:00,512 --> 00:10:02,906
Or are you gonna believe this?
229
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,137
Kill them.
230
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:20,445
Oh, fuck!
231
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,186
We're gonna die!
232
00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:25,842
Checkers!
233
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:32,370
Lon, no!
234
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:34,677
Lon! Lon, no!
235
00:10:34,721 --> 00:10:35,896
Get in!
236
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:44,469
Oh, my God, Checkers!
237
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:45,645
Did you break my Club?
238
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,647
Just get in the fucking car!
239
00:10:47,690 --> 00:10:49,126
It's my car, I'm driving!
240
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:52,347
Jesus Christ!
241
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:53,391
Ow!
242
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:00,311
What the hell are you doing?
243
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,486
Oh, my God, MacGruber!
244
00:11:01,530 --> 00:11:04,664
Why are we going backwards?
245
00:11:04,707 --> 00:11:05,795
MacGruber,
what are you doing?
246
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:07,144
We should be going
after Brimstone!
247
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:08,711
Yeah, we can't
let them escape!
248
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:09,799
Relax.
249
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,453
They're not going anywhere.
250
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,514
They got a whirlybird.
251
00:11:29,558 --> 00:11:31,429
A helicopter.
252
00:11:38,393 --> 00:11:39,742
Shit.
253
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:54,322
Thought we were gonna
lose you there for a second.
254
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:55,802
Glad you're okay.
255
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:58,761
I'm out.
256
00:11:58,805 --> 00:11:59,849
Out?
257
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:02,112
What--what do you mean "out"?
258
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:03,505
I'm finished.
I'm off the mission.
259
00:12:03,548 --> 00:12:06,073
But Vicki, we had them
right where we want them.
260
00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,291
Running scared.
261
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:09,293
I almost had Brimstone!
262
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,034
I almost stopped
this entire thing!
263
00:12:11,078 --> 00:12:12,427
And you would've died!
264
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:14,429
Yeah, and now millions
of people are gonna die
265
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:16,083
because you didn't let me
do my job!
266
00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,475
I couldn't let you do that.
267
00:12:17,519 --> 00:12:19,347
That wasn't your decision
to make!
268
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:23,481
No, I'm not gonna
do this anymore.
269
00:12:23,525 --> 00:12:24,961
It's time to bring in
the government.
270
00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:26,397
Oh, I see.
271
00:12:26,441 --> 00:12:28,704
So when the going gets tough,
the tough run back
272
00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:30,532
to their
floppy-dicked husbands.
273
00:12:30,575 --> 00:12:31,663
Okay, I am not gonna
have you talk
274
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:32,882
about my husband
like that anymore.
275
00:12:32,926 --> 00:12:34,666
Come on,
he's a friggin' dirty diaper
276
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,799
with arms, legs,
and half a brain.
277
00:12:36,843 --> 00:12:40,542
Barrett is a good man
who is kind and decent
278
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,065
and good at what he does.
279
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,241
And you know what, unlike you,
he actually listens to me.
280
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:46,026
You could learn something
from him.
281
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:47,375
Well, look at that.
282
00:12:47,418 --> 00:12:49,507
I'm having déjà vu.
283
00:12:49,551 --> 00:12:50,552
What is that supposed
to mean?
284
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:52,336
It means
you've left me before.
285
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,730
And I remember how it feels.
286
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,168
Sitting in prison,
scared, lonely,
287
00:12:58,212 --> 00:13:01,215
and a man in a suit comes
to deliver me divorce papers?
288
00:13:01,258 --> 00:13:02,651
Yeah, that was fun.
289
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:05,306
You ended our marriage
when you pointed at me
290
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,525
during your murder trial
and said, "She did it!"
291
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,876
But you did do it, Vicki!
292
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,400
You stole my heart
and you aided and abetted
293
00:13:12,443 --> 00:13:14,619
in making me
the happiest man on Earth.
294
00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,708
But they mistook my words
as an accusation
295
00:13:16,752 --> 00:13:18,275
'cause it came so close
to the question
296
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:20,930
the judge had just asked
about how I pleaded.
297
00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,760
Goodbye, MacGruber.
298
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:28,633
You know what, Vicki?
299
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:33,377
Maybe I was wrong about you.
300
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,815
Maybe you are just a housewife.
301
00:13:39,644 --> 00:13:41,429
You know, for years,
302
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:43,823
whenever anyone ever said
anything bad about you--
303
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,172
and they did--
304
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:48,001
I defended you.
305
00:13:48,044 --> 00:13:50,525
So maybe I was wrong about you.
306
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:53,484
Maybe you have lost it.
307
00:13:53,528 --> 00:13:55,399
Heck, maybe you never had it
in the first place.
308
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,154
And then there were two.
309
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,026
- I'm out.
- Checkers, no!
310
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:15,245
MacGruber, this whole
operation has gone worse
311
00:14:15,289 --> 00:14:16,725
than I ever imagined.
312
00:14:16,768 --> 00:14:18,640
And I had imagined it
going horribly.
313
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:20,947
This is over.
314
00:14:22,383 --> 00:14:24,994
Checkers--sorry, Piper, Piper!
315
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:26,909
Look, Piper.
316
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:28,432
Please.
317
00:14:28,476 --> 00:14:30,347
Queeth destroyed my father.
318
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,436
He killed my mother.
319
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,787
You gotta help me stop him.
320
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,920
Look, I can't do anything
about your family.
321
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:40,923
But if you love this country
as much as you say you do,
322
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:42,925
you'll go to Fasoose
and tell him everything.
323
00:14:42,969 --> 00:14:44,753
But Vicki's already
doing that.
324
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:48,931
Then I guess
I'll see her there.
325
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:03,250
♪ Once there was this kid
326
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:06,818
♪ Who got into an accident
327
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,951
♪ And couldn't come
to school ♪
328
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:14,652
♪ But when he finally
came back ♪
329
00:15:14,696 --> 00:15:17,873
♪ His hair
330
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,963
♪ Had turned from black
into bright white ♪
331
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,882
She was beautiful,
wasn't she?
332
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,536
She was.
333
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,320
Hello, Father.
334
00:15:30,364 --> 00:15:32,844
Hello, son.
335
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:35,412
♪ Mmm mmm mmm mmm
336
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,501
Didn't think
I'd ever see you again.
337
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:39,982
So you got my letter.
338
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:41,592
I did.
339
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,333
It was hard to read.
340
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:46,989
Yeah, there was a lot
of emotional stuff in there.
341
00:15:47,033 --> 00:15:49,992
No, I mean your handwriting
was barely legible.
342
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,124
Sounds like me.
343
00:15:59,393 --> 00:16:01,917
I miss her.
344
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,571
I miss her too.
345
00:16:06,356 --> 00:16:08,968
Daddy...
346
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,057
do you think I'm good
at what I do?
347
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:12,841
Why?
348
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:13,973
What's going on?
349
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:20,370
Oh.
350
00:16:20,414 --> 00:16:21,589
What's wrong?
351
00:16:21,632 --> 00:16:22,590
I screwed up.
352
00:16:22,633 --> 00:16:24,374
I screwed up big-time!
353
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,681
I basically gave
the friggin' bad guys
354
00:16:26,724 --> 00:16:29,814
everything they need
to destroy the fucking world!
355
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:32,426
And now Piper and Vicki have
left the mission.
356
00:16:32,469 --> 00:16:35,646
They even told me
they think I've lost it.
357
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:37,387
And I don't know.
358
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,389
Maybe they're right.
359
00:16:39,433 --> 00:16:42,218
And the worst part about it...
360
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,003
it's Queeth, Daddy.
361
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:47,006
It's fucking Queeth!
362
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:49,617
There, there.
363
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:52,881
Let it all out.
364
00:16:52,924 --> 00:16:55,536
We'll get
through this together.
365
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:01,716
I just--you know, I always
wanted to make you proud.
366
00:17:01,759 --> 00:17:03,587
But I failed.
367
00:17:03,631 --> 00:17:07,026
And I'm so sorry
for letting you down.
368
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,288
Look at me.
369
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:10,725
Look at me.
370
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:15,077
You never let me down.
371
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,818
In fact...
372
00:17:16,861 --> 00:17:18,907
I always felt
like I let you down.
373
00:17:18,950 --> 00:17:20,735
No. No.
374
00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:24,260
You lift me up higher
than the highest mountaintop.
375
00:17:24,304 --> 00:17:25,957
Daddy, you're my hero.
376
00:17:26,001 --> 00:17:28,264
MacGruber,
can I get real with you?
377
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:31,093
Like, really, really real?
378
00:17:32,312 --> 00:17:34,749
You're my hero.
379
00:17:34,792 --> 00:17:37,056
And you always have been.
380
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,100
What?
381
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:40,450
You're my good boy.
382
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:43,801
And I'm so proud
to be your daddy.
383
00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:46,543
Well, I'm about
to make you even prouder.
384
00:17:46,587 --> 00:17:47,762
What are you doing?
385
00:17:47,805 --> 00:17:49,590
I'm going after Queeth.
386
00:17:49,633 --> 00:17:52,288
No. No, please.
It's too dangerous.
387
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:53,724
I have to do something!
388
00:17:53,768 --> 00:17:54,986
Yes, you do!
389
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,293
And I think
you already know what it is.
390
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:58,338
Turn yourself in.
391
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,948
You know I can't do that!
392
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,515
You have no other choice!
393
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:02,646
What, you want me
to just give up?
394
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:03,995
You want Queeth to win?
395
00:18:04,039 --> 00:18:06,476
I want Queeth to burn
in hell for eternity!
396
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,174
Then why won't you
let me do this?
397
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:10,001
Because I already had
to bury your mother,
398
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:13,657
and I don't wanna bury you too.
399
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:17,270
Turn yourself in, son.
400
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:20,316
Only way I'll know Queeth can't
get to my baby boy.
401
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:25,321
Please do this.
402
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:27,889
For me.
403
00:18:27,932 --> 00:18:29,020
For her.
404
00:18:37,246 --> 00:18:39,118
Okay.
405
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:41,729
Okay.
406
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,731
She would be so proud of you.
407
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,692
Now go be Daddy's little hero.
408
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,258
Hm.
409
00:19:34,869 --> 00:19:36,305
They say that the footsteps
410
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,829
of the "Apollo" astronauts
will stay there on the moon
411
00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:40,875
for 100 million years.
412
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:43,182
And it makes you think,
413
00:19:43,225 --> 00:19:45,488
wonder where we'll be then.
414
00:19:47,447 --> 00:19:49,579
Guess you know why I'm here.
415
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,541
Thought I'd save you
the trouble.
416
00:19:59,154 --> 00:20:01,722
Shall we?
417
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,245
Soldier!
418
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,686
You know,
Victoria and Dixon Piper
419
00:20:09,730 --> 00:20:11,297
paid me a visit earlier.
420
00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:14,256
They told me about how you led
Queeth's team to the weapon.
421
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:15,910
How you gave it up
without a fight.
422
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:18,652
How you personally put
the enemy in a position
423
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,349
to synthesize it.
424
00:20:20,393 --> 00:20:22,960
That's exactly what happened.
425
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:26,050
They also told me...
426
00:20:26,094 --> 00:20:27,748
that you put yourself
in harm's way,
427
00:20:27,791 --> 00:20:29,924
risked your own life
to save Victoria's.
428
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,099
Is that accurate?
429
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,579
Yes.
430
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:35,364
Mac, as a career
military man,
431
00:20:35,408 --> 00:20:36,757
I'm forced to look
at your actions
432
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,368
as complete
and utter insubordination.
433
00:20:39,412 --> 00:20:43,764
An offense which requires
your immediate court-martial.
434
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,331
But as a husband...
435
00:20:48,203 --> 00:20:50,161
I thank you
from the bottom of my heart.
436
00:20:57,865 --> 00:20:59,040
Let's just call it even.
437
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:04,175
Sir, I'm so sorry.
438
00:21:04,219 --> 00:21:06,569
I'd never forgive myself
if I didn't ask, though.
439
00:21:06,613 --> 00:21:09,398
Is there any way
I can be of service?
440
00:21:09,442 --> 00:21:11,182
- MacGruber--
- Look, I know I've been
441
00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:12,575
a bit of a loose cannon.
442
00:21:12,619 --> 00:21:14,316
But what if I was
a tight cannon?
443
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,187
Operating under your command
444
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:18,320
in whatever capacity
you see fit.
445
00:21:18,364 --> 00:21:20,104
Hell, I'd take you
to the fucking prom
446
00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,323
if it helped bring down Queeth.
447
00:21:21,367 --> 00:21:22,803
I'm sorry, Mac.
448
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,329
Fuck!
449
00:21:29,723 --> 00:21:31,202
You have any idea
what it's like
450
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:32,900
to see
your mother's brains splatter
451
00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:35,424
all over your face and cake?
452
00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:37,513
Or what it's like
to come back from deployment
453
00:21:37,557 --> 00:21:40,255
to find your dad giving
hand jobs to crack dealers
454
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,823
for his next crack rock?
455
00:21:42,866 --> 00:21:45,478
Queeth fucking broke us!
456
00:21:45,521 --> 00:21:47,784
He broke us.
457
00:21:49,743 --> 00:21:51,005
Please!
458
00:21:51,048 --> 00:21:53,137
I'm begging you!
459
00:21:53,181 --> 00:21:55,966
I am fucking begging you.
460
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,794
Please.
461
00:22:14,202 --> 00:22:15,595
I'll jack you off.
462
00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:17,292
Just right here.
463
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,728
You can come on my face.
464
00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:20,382
All right?
Is that what you want?
465
00:22:20,426 --> 00:22:21,601
Then I want it too.
466
00:22:21,644 --> 00:22:22,863
All right, come on, please.
467
00:22:22,906 --> 00:22:24,778
Come on, please.
468
00:22:24,821 --> 00:22:25,866
Come on me.
469
00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:27,084
Come on my face.
470
00:22:27,128 --> 00:22:29,391
Come on my face.
471
00:22:29,435 --> 00:22:31,698
- Hi, General!
- Hey, yeah! Hey, Jerry.
472
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,482
Why won't you
just come on me?
473
00:22:33,526 --> 00:22:35,397
Good to see you. Good night.
474
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:39,706
I'm begging you!
475
00:22:39,749 --> 00:22:41,185
Get up, Mac.
476
00:22:43,536 --> 00:22:45,364
You didn't get those from me.
477
00:22:49,542 --> 00:22:51,065
Queeth's location?
478
00:22:51,108 --> 00:22:52,414
It's a dead zone, and yet,
479
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,547
there's a persistent
heat signature that suggests
480
00:22:54,590 --> 00:22:57,680
the presence of anywhere
from 50 to 100 hostiles.
481
00:22:57,724 --> 00:23:00,901
Tomorrow, we've scheduled
a drone strike at 2100 hours.
482
00:23:03,512 --> 00:23:05,427
That's 9:00 p.m.
9:00 p.m., yep!
483
00:23:05,471 --> 00:23:07,516
Yes, yes. 9:00 p.m.
484
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,388
Prime time.
Sure, whatever.
485
00:23:09,431 --> 00:23:11,825
Listen, Mac, if you get
yourself in there,
486
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,522
Queeth's almost
as good as yours.
487
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:15,481
But that strike is gonna happen
no matter what.
488
00:23:15,524 --> 00:23:18,701
We are not going to risk
Queeth escaping a second time.
489
00:23:18,745 --> 00:23:19,876
You hear me?
490
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,096
I don't know what to say,
General.
491
00:23:22,139 --> 00:23:23,793
But if I did...
492
00:23:23,837 --> 00:23:26,143
probably sound a lot like
thank you.
493
00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:28,537
After everything that you've
done for our country,
494
00:23:28,581 --> 00:23:31,235
the least we can do
is offer you a chance
495
00:23:31,279 --> 00:23:33,237
to get some closure.
496
00:23:33,281 --> 00:23:35,065
I won't let you down.
497
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:43,786
Hello, Vicki.
498
00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:45,788
- MacGruber, you shouldn't be--
- Vicki, wait.
499
00:24:45,832 --> 00:24:47,747
There are a few things
I need to get off my chest,
500
00:24:47,790 --> 00:24:49,488
and I don't have much time.
501
00:24:51,011 --> 00:24:52,142
I'm listening.
502
00:24:52,186 --> 00:24:54,449
I need you to know...
503
00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:56,320
that I'm sorry.
504
00:24:56,364 --> 00:24:57,626
I mean, the only reason
505
00:24:57,670 --> 00:24:59,672
that I lied about you in court
506
00:24:59,715 --> 00:25:02,979
was 'cause I wanted you there
in prison with me.
507
00:25:03,023 --> 00:25:05,982
Because I didn't know
how to live without you.
508
00:25:08,594 --> 00:25:10,334
There are so many things
I wish I could change
509
00:25:10,378 --> 00:25:12,467
about the past, but I can't.
510
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,121
You're not my property.
511
00:25:14,164 --> 00:25:15,731
Not anymore.
512
00:25:17,167 --> 00:25:18,386
Thank you for saying that.
513
00:25:18,429 --> 00:25:20,040
We had an electric love.
514
00:25:20,083 --> 00:25:21,824
But that was years ago.
515
00:25:21,868 --> 00:25:23,826
And I'm so happy
that you've moved on
516
00:25:23,870 --> 00:25:25,349
and found new love
with Barrett.
517
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:26,960
I have moved on.
518
00:25:27,003 --> 00:25:29,353
And I'm happy
that you've realized that.
519
00:25:29,397 --> 00:25:30,833
- I do.
- I mean, it's not like
520
00:25:30,877 --> 00:25:32,400
I think about you every night
and pine for your touch.
521
00:25:32,443 --> 00:25:33,880
No.
522
00:25:33,923 --> 00:25:35,403
Staring
into my husband's eyes
523
00:25:35,446 --> 00:25:37,057
wishing they were yours.
524
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:39,581
Kissing him and imagining
your perfect lips
525
00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:41,714
and tongue dancing with mine...
526
00:25:41,757 --> 00:25:44,804
flicking, groping, asking...
527
00:25:44,847 --> 00:25:46,675
answering.
Of course not.
528
00:25:46,719 --> 00:25:49,635
Tongues intertwined, twisted,
529
00:25:49,678 --> 00:25:52,594
coiled liked two serpents.
530
00:25:52,638 --> 00:25:54,683
Like the two snakes
on that medical doctor symbol.
531
00:25:54,727 --> 00:25:55,858
I don't know that one.
532
00:25:55,902 --> 00:25:57,599
When I'm intimate
with my husband,
533
00:25:57,643 --> 00:25:59,732
I do not yearn
for your sharp scent.
534
00:25:59,775 --> 00:26:00,733
No.
535
00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:02,212
I don't close my eyes
536
00:26:02,256 --> 00:26:04,214
and trace Barrett's testicles
with my tongue,
537
00:26:04,258 --> 00:26:07,043
remembering every wrinkle
and pimple on yours.
538
00:26:07,087 --> 00:26:08,784
- No.
- And I don't round the horn
539
00:26:08,828 --> 00:26:11,395
with my mouth and nose,
hoping to helplessly fall down
540
00:26:11,439 --> 00:26:12,875
your rabbit hole like...
541
00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:15,269
Alice in the looking glass,
forgetting myself,
542
00:26:15,312 --> 00:26:16,879
forgetting everything,
543
00:26:16,923 --> 00:26:18,794
becoming at once
tiny and giant,
544
00:26:18,838 --> 00:26:21,231
losing myself in your musky,
545
00:26:21,275 --> 00:26:23,669
damp, verdant...
546
00:26:23,712 --> 00:26:25,496
life-giving earth.
547
00:26:25,540 --> 00:26:26,933
You don't do
any of those things.
548
00:26:26,976 --> 00:26:28,238
I feel free.
549
00:26:28,282 --> 00:26:30,327
I'm so happy that you feel
that same freedom.
550
00:26:30,371 --> 00:26:31,633
- Praise be.
- Amen.
551
00:26:31,677 --> 00:26:34,027
Now before I go,
552
00:26:34,070 --> 00:26:36,159
there's something
I want you to have.
553
00:26:41,034 --> 00:26:43,776
Your locket?
554
00:26:43,819 --> 00:26:46,517
It's saved my life
countless times.
555
00:26:46,561 --> 00:26:47,954
Look inside.
556
00:26:52,175 --> 00:26:55,135
- Are these--
- Your pubic hairs?
557
00:26:55,178 --> 00:26:56,876
Yes.
558
00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:58,878
MacGruber.
559
00:26:58,921 --> 00:27:00,923
After the first night
we made love,
560
00:27:00,967 --> 00:27:04,100
I found a bunch of those
bad boys in your underpants.
561
00:27:04,144 --> 00:27:07,190
So one by one,
I plucked out the freshest,
562
00:27:07,234 --> 00:27:09,976
and I bought that
beautiful locket to house them.
563
00:27:10,019 --> 00:27:13,022
I've worn that around my neck
ever since.
564
00:27:13,066 --> 00:27:16,809
Every time the world feels like
it's caving in around me,
565
00:27:16,852 --> 00:27:19,246
I just touch that locket,
566
00:27:19,289 --> 00:27:20,943
think about what's inside
567
00:27:20,987 --> 00:27:22,989
and the woman
they were attached to.
568
00:27:23,032 --> 00:27:24,294
Me.
569
00:27:24,338 --> 00:27:25,818
And I'm whole again.
570
00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:30,213
That's the power you have.
571
00:27:30,257 --> 00:27:31,824
You did that.
572
00:27:31,867 --> 00:27:32,912
You!
573
00:27:35,001 --> 00:27:38,526
But that locket,
that's not mine anymore.
574
00:27:38,569 --> 00:27:40,963
That's Barrett's locket now.
575
00:27:41,007 --> 00:27:42,791
And I want you
to give that to him
576
00:27:42,835 --> 00:27:44,837
and tell him the story
that I just told you
577
00:27:44,880 --> 00:27:47,535
word-for-word when you do.
578
00:27:49,189 --> 00:27:50,407
I will.
579
00:27:50,451 --> 00:27:52,061
Well...
580
00:27:54,542 --> 00:27:56,979
Smell you later, Vick.
581
00:27:57,023 --> 00:28:00,504
And I mean that
with every fiber of my being.
582
00:28:00,548 --> 00:28:03,464
I will smell you later.
583
00:28:41,894 --> 00:28:44,070
Hope you motherfuckers
are ready.
584
00:28:44,113 --> 00:28:46,986
'Cause MacGruber's coming
for you.
585
00:28:47,029 --> 00:28:48,509
Later today.
586
00:28:48,552 --> 00:28:49,771
Or, uh, tonight.
587
00:28:49,815 --> 00:28:51,773
Night's probably better.
Probably tonight.
588
00:28:51,817 --> 00:28:53,906
Probably tonight.
39768
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