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1
00:00:10,394 --> 00:00:13,826
Matteo, my son,
he loves Halloween,
2
00:00:13,830 --> 00:00:19,707
and we were told we must see the
haunted house on Rose Street.
3
00:00:19,711 --> 00:00:21,459
-Ready? Okay.
-Yeah.
4
00:00:21,463 --> 00:00:23,670
I took him,
and it was the worst
5
00:00:23,674 --> 00:00:26,881
haunted house in Toledo,
if not the entire planet.
6
00:00:26,885 --> 00:00:28,320
Okay.
7
00:00:29,346 --> 00:00:31,970
Nothing was scary.
8
00:00:31,974 --> 00:00:34,389
Nothing.
9
00:00:34,393 --> 00:00:38,685
"Evacuation plan."
Get ready to run away.
10
00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:43,022
"Slippery when wet."
11
00:00:43,026 --> 00:00:46,317
Oh, look, the giant. A giant.
12
00:00:46,321 --> 00:00:50,488
There was one jump scare
in the evil vegetarian kitchen.
13
00:00:50,492 --> 00:00:51,906
Aah!
14
00:00:51,910 --> 00:00:54,534
But at least they saved
the best for last.
15
00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:58,871
Oh, finally.
Frankenstein's laboratory.
16
00:00:58,875 --> 00:01:00,373
Are you ready for this?
17
00:01:00,377 --> 00:01:01,791
Yeah!
18
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,126
Hey!
19
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,502
They couldn't afford the costume,
20
00:01:04,506 --> 00:01:06,129
so they put
Frankenstein in a tub.
21
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,880
Scary? Not.
22
00:01:07,884 --> 00:01:10,425
But more nudity than I expected.
23
00:01:10,429 --> 00:01:14,012
He was stitched together
from dead people.
24
00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,492
Triple bypass.
25
00:01:17,269 --> 00:01:18,850
Matteo is a genius.
26
00:01:18,854 --> 00:01:20,351
He put it perfectly.
27
00:01:20,355 --> 00:01:23,062
"Mom, this is
the halfway house."
28
00:01:23,066 --> 00:01:27,567
I said, "Amore, yes, halfway
between scary and a rip-off."
29
00:01:27,571 --> 00:01:30,403
In fact, I decided
to write a review.
30
00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:34,094
"What to Fear at the Haunted
House on Rose Street?
31
00:01:35,495 --> 00:01:36,284
Nothing."
32
00:01:36,288 --> 00:01:37,493
-Hey, B.
-Huh?
33
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:39,078
Can you please clean it up for me
34
00:01:39,082 --> 00:01:41,289
-and put it online? Thank you.
-Mm-hm.
35
00:01:41,293 --> 00:01:42,957
Esmeralda's a good writer,
36
00:01:42,961 --> 00:01:46,273
but she makes spelling mistakes,
coming from Norway.
37
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:52,425
All right.
This baby's ready to go.
38
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:25,145
{\an8}Just a little drop will do.
39
00:02:26,630 --> 00:02:29,545
{\an8}Oh, my God. Detrick! Travis!
40
00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:32,486
{\an8}The cop from the bar just wrote
back. My office, ASAP.
41
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,760
Last week we went out
for margaritas
42
00:02:35,764 --> 00:02:37,136
and urgent care nurses,
43
00:02:37,140 --> 00:02:39,681
but I found something
even better.
44
00:02:39,685 --> 00:02:40,682
A cop.
45
00:02:40,686 --> 00:02:42,016
So I said to him,
46
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,309
"We should hang out sometime."
47
00:02:43,313 --> 00:02:45,561
And he just got back,
"How's today?"
48
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:47,167
-Mmm.
-So, what do I say?
49
00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,857
-How about yes?
-Do you wanna hang out?
50
00:02:49,861 --> 00:02:52,652
Yes. We desperately need
a source at the police station.
51
00:02:52,656 --> 00:02:56,239
But it's just happening so fast.
I don't know how to... Um...
52
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:57,824
All right,
I'm just gonna say yes. Yes.
53
00:02:57,828 --> 00:03:00,368
Or no.
Maybe I just like his text?
54
00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:01,828
-Yeah.
-He can't hear this.
55
00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:03,037
-No.
-Can he?
56
00:03:03,041 --> 00:03:04,080
-Okay.
-I don't think so.
57
00:03:04,084 --> 00:03:06,040
Well, "Sick, dude."
58
00:03:06,044 --> 00:03:07,625
-Perfect.
-And crying-eyes emoji.
59
00:03:07,629 --> 00:03:09,877
-No? No?
-No, no, no, lose the emoji. No emoji.
60
00:03:09,881 --> 00:03:10,920
-No emoji.
-Why?
61
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:12,547
People love emojis, I thought.
62
00:03:12,551 --> 00:03:14,006
Well, I don't think cops love emojis.
63
00:03:14,010 --> 00:03:17,009
You gotta text with your balls,
Ned. Just do it sloppy.
64
00:03:17,013 --> 00:03:18,553
Oh, uh, yeah.
65
00:03:18,557 --> 00:03:22,515
-"Maybe a ride-along or some shit."
-Yeah.
66
00:03:22,519 --> 00:03:25,059
-Mm-hm. -Yeah.
-Sloppy.
67
00:03:25,063 --> 00:03:26,352
-Yeah?
-He's typing.
68
00:03:26,356 --> 00:03:27,478
-Typing.
-Typing.
69
00:03:27,482 --> 00:03:29,230
"Did you go to college?"
70
00:03:29,234 --> 00:03:30,231
Too sloppy.
71
00:03:30,235 --> 00:03:32,525
Shoot. Yup.
72
00:03:32,529 --> 00:03:34,652
I'm just busy.
I just say I'm busy.
73
00:03:34,656 --> 00:03:36,237
-Just be honest.
-Sent.
74
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:39,157
-Okay. Okay. -Mm-hm.
-And now?
75
00:03:39,161 --> 00:03:41,033
-"Gun range in one hour."
-Nice.
76
00:03:41,037 --> 00:03:43,494
-Ooh! -Okay. There you go.
-There you go.
77
00:03:43,498 --> 00:03:45,955
Sweet. "Okay to bring my crew?"
78
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,540
-Yes, yes?
-You want us to come?
79
00:03:47,544 --> 00:03:49,792
-Yeah if you would like. Yes.
-Sure.
80
00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:52,754
-Thumbs up. Oh!
-Nice, man.
81
00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:53,387
Good job, Ned.
82
00:03:53,391 --> 00:03:55,548
It is a date. Heart eyes.
83
00:03:55,552 --> 00:03:56,966
-No, no, no.
-No?
84
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:58,384
No. No.
85
00:03:58,388 --> 00:04:00,887
Hey, guys.
Don't forget ear plugs.
86
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,786
-Hey, I'm coming too.
-Awesome.
87
00:04:05,896 --> 00:04:07,518
People aren't going to shoot guns
88
00:04:07,522 --> 00:04:09,562
during work hours without me.
89
00:04:09,566 --> 00:04:11,647
I still don't know
why Mare lied last week.
90
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,399
You'd only lie
to your best friend
91
00:04:13,403 --> 00:04:15,985
if you didn't wanna hurt
their feelings
92
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:21,407
or if you recently
became addicted to drugs.
93
00:04:21,411 --> 00:04:23,576
-Hey, dork.
-Hey.
94
00:04:23,580 --> 00:04:25,787
Yesterday, I found a coffee can
under your car.
95
00:04:25,791 --> 00:04:28,498
Guess what was in it?
A thousand dollars.
96
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,416
-No way. That's amazing.
-Yeah.
97
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:32,293
It's free money.
You can have 500.
98
00:04:32,297 --> 00:04:34,420
No, Nicole, that's your money.
99
00:04:34,424 --> 00:04:36,714
-You sure?
-Yeah.
100
00:04:36,718 --> 00:04:39,926
You can spend it on anything.
Nobody would know.
101
00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:43,638
Uh, no thanks. Look, can we talk
about this later? I gotta go.
102
00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,785
-Later, dork. Bye.
-Bye. Hey, Trav?
103
00:04:49,231 --> 00:04:51,020
-Pew!
-I'm obviously relieved
104
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,606
she doesn't have a drug problem.
105
00:04:53,610 --> 00:04:55,525
But since there's only one
other thing
106
00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,109
she would keep secret from me,
107
00:04:57,113 --> 00:05:00,404
I think it's pretty obvious
what's happening.
108
00:05:00,408 --> 00:05:02,344
Mare has a new best friend.
109
00:05:03,161 --> 00:05:05,451
I wonder who she could be.
110
00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:07,995
All right, remember,
the paper needs the police.
111
00:05:07,999 --> 00:05:11,582
We need them. We feed off
their tips like a parasitic...
112
00:05:11,586 --> 00:05:14,001
What's more noble
than a parasitic worm?
113
00:05:14,005 --> 00:05:16,963
-An eagle?
-Yes. Like parasitic eagles.
114
00:05:16,967 --> 00:05:19,590
So I will be saying
certain things to them
115
00:05:19,594 --> 00:05:21,509
to make sure that they like us.
116
00:05:21,513 --> 00:05:23,177
So just play along.
117
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:28,015
-Using notes.
-Budweiser.
118
00:05:28,019 --> 00:05:28,995
Perps.
119
00:05:30,438 --> 00:05:31,706
Three fifty-seven.
120
00:05:33,149 --> 00:05:34,793
Coors. Coors.
121
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,025
Oh, they got snacks.
122
00:05:38,029 --> 00:05:41,863
Jalapeño garbage pail fries
with monkey sauce. Ew.
123
00:05:41,867 --> 00:05:43,823
-I bet they use seed oils.
-Oh, that reminds me.
124
00:05:43,827 --> 00:05:45,908
There is a brutal takedown
of Guy Fieri's restaurant
125
00:05:45,912 --> 00:05:48,995
in the New York Times.
It is an iconic review.
126
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:51,622
-Coors. Coors. Buffalo Wild Wings.
-Hey, Ned.
127
00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:53,416
Hey. Hank. How you doing?
128
00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:54,667
-Good.
-Good to see you.
129
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,836
This here is Detrick,
this is Travis.
130
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:59,589
This little shorty here
is Mare. She's cool.
131
00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,507
-This your first time, Mare?
-Hell, no.
132
00:06:01,511 --> 00:06:02,675
Three years in the 68th Armored.
133
00:06:02,679 --> 00:06:04,385
-Oh-ho-ho! Wow.
-Wow.
134
00:06:04,389 --> 00:06:05,761
Thanks for your service.
135
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,847
Mare here has popped more caps
than a milliner.
136
00:06:07,851 --> 00:06:10,391
-Jesus, Ned.
-It's a hat-maker.
137
00:06:10,395 --> 00:06:11,642
You guys want some snacks?
138
00:06:11,646 --> 00:06:13,019
You gotta try
the garbage pail fries.
139
00:06:13,023 --> 00:06:14,645
Do you know if they use seed oil?
140
00:06:14,649 --> 00:06:16,564
-Shut up, Lisa. Ha-ha.
-Ow! Shit.
141
00:06:16,568 --> 00:06:18,232
Garbage pail's right here,
am I right?
142
00:06:18,236 --> 00:06:20,359
Load them in.
143
00:06:20,363 --> 00:06:23,237
So you guys have any crossbows?
144
00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,031
No.
145
00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:28,200
For real? Look,
I'll just take that pistol.
146
00:06:28,204 --> 00:06:30,453
So how long have you
worked at a paper?
147
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:32,455
You ever think about radio news?
148
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,081
I mean, radio's better
than paper, right?
149
00:06:34,085 --> 00:06:38,210
Radio's, uh, pretty cool,
especially classic rock.
150
00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:40,254
The Eagles, am I right?
151
00:06:40,258 --> 00:06:41,464
The thing about news is,
152
00:06:41,468 --> 00:06:43,049
you're only as good
as your sources.
153
00:06:43,053 --> 00:06:44,216
Well, fair's fair.
154
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,343
I mean, if a guy slips you
155
00:06:45,347 --> 00:06:46,761
something good off the record
156
00:06:46,765 --> 00:06:49,722
and you make him look good
and he gets a promotion,
157
00:06:49,726 --> 00:06:51,515
well, you get better stuff
next time.
158
00:06:51,519 --> 00:06:52,975
-Mm-hm. -Couldn't agree more.
-Oh, yeah.
159
00:06:52,979 --> 00:06:55,227
And you'd never show
body cam footage, right?
160
00:06:55,231 --> 00:06:56,875
Shut the up, Bobby.
161
00:06:57,909 --> 00:07:00,149
Body cams are a great tool
for accountability.
162
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,276
-Yep.
-What are you shooting, Mare?
163
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:03,694
Desert Eagle.
164
00:07:03,698 --> 00:07:05,154
I know it's not
the most practical,
165
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,238
but I can't help myself.
166
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:07,531
You can handle the kick?
167
00:07:07,535 --> 00:07:09,241
Easy, Bobby.
Keep it in your pants.
168
00:07:09,245 --> 00:07:11,973
Bobby, why don't you go check
on the car?
169
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:14,601
Humiliating.
170
00:07:15,919 --> 00:07:18,584
Sorry about that, guys.
Dayton transfer.
171
00:07:18,588 --> 00:07:20,586
Dayton. I should have guessed
with that face.
172
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:25,591
-Hey. Let's light these up.
-Let's rain some lead.
173
00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,343
-Yeah.
-All right. Come on.
174
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:28,823
Crushing it.
175
00:07:31,101 --> 00:07:32,515
Nice, nice.
176
00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:37,895
I'm bringing cases
on all you bitches, huh?
177
00:07:37,899 --> 00:07:39,096
Oh, oh!
178
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:43,651
-King Kong ain't got shit on me.
-Detrick? Detrick. Just...
179
00:07:43,655 --> 00:07:45,194
-Come on.
-Oh.
180
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:48,134
King Kong ain't got shit on me.
181
00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:54,996
-Damn.
-Dang.
182
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,184
-Mm!
-Wow!
183
00:08:01,923 --> 00:08:03,020
Hank.
184
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:06,820
First Amendment, Second
Amendment, best of friends.
185
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:21,939
-What was that?
-That was you.
186
00:08:21,943 --> 00:08:24,358
Unless there's
a second-grade girl behind you.
187
00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:27,194
No, what...? What bit me?
188
00:08:27,198 --> 00:08:30,031
-What?
-Something just bit me on the ankle.
189
00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:30,865
Jesus Christ.
190
00:08:30,869 --> 00:08:32,950
What? Like a snake?
191
00:08:32,954 --> 00:08:34,869
Get your head
out of your ass, Bobby.
192
00:08:34,873 --> 00:08:37,747
It wasn't a snake. This is
a gun range. It was like a rat.
193
00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:40,916
A fricking rat just ran out
and bit my ankle,
194
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,710
just when I was
shooting my pistol.
195
00:08:42,714 --> 00:08:45,880
-A rat?
-Yes. Goddamn it. I hate rats.
196
00:08:45,884 --> 00:08:48,966
Ned? Ned.
197
00:08:48,970 --> 00:08:51,260
-It bit you?
-Did you see it?
198
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,428
No. Are...?
199
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,346
-Damn it.
-Can I just see...? Okay.
200
00:08:54,350 --> 00:08:56,432
Okay. Let's just...
201
00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:02,563
Ned, are you okay?
202
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:05,003
Goddamn it.
It broke the skin. Shit.
203
00:09:09,074 --> 00:09:10,571
Hey.
204
00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:11,947
It was definitely a rat.
205
00:09:11,951 --> 00:09:14,492
It was a brown rat.
It bit me and ran off.
206
00:09:14,496 --> 00:09:17,453
-Where?
-I don't know, Hank. The rat hole?
207
00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:20,247
Damn it, Ephraim, do we really
have freaking rats here?
208
00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:21,311
I hate rats.
209
00:09:26,132 --> 00:09:27,588
Can you show us where it got you?
210
00:09:27,592 --> 00:09:28,756
No, no, no, 'cause it's...
211
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:30,862
-No, we need to see.
-Sure.
212
00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:34,887
It's not a big deal.
I'll live.
213
00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:36,972
-Ugh!
-Oh, my God. Ned, you're bleeding.
214
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,850
-Gnarly, man.
-Yep, vicious little bastard.
215
00:09:39,854 --> 00:09:42,394
Hey. Don't worry, man.
When we catch it,
216
00:09:42,398 --> 00:09:43,604
you can blow it away.
217
00:09:43,608 --> 00:09:45,627
It would be my pleasure, Hank.
218
00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:48,296
-Hey, Esmeralda.
-Yes?
219
00:09:49,531 --> 00:09:52,822
Your piece
on the Rose Street House
220
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:55,991
is something else.
I'm actually moved.
221
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:58,661
Everyone is
talking about my review
222
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:01,372
of the Halloween House, you know?
223
00:10:01,376 --> 00:10:04,166
It's a sensation.
224
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:08,963
"Thank you for writing this.
These people aren't monsters."
225
00:10:08,967 --> 00:10:11,882
I know, they're not.
That's why it's lame.
226
00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:15,657
"Finally, an article from you
that didn't suck."
227
00:10:17,642 --> 00:10:18,973
Someone gets it.
228
00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:20,933
If Mare thinks she can drop me
229
00:10:20,937 --> 00:10:22,143
as her best friend,
230
00:10:22,147 --> 00:10:23,727
she should know
that it's gonna be
231
00:10:23,731 --> 00:10:25,813
a very soft landing.
232
00:10:25,817 --> 00:10:27,648
I had a different
best friend before Mare.
233
00:10:27,652 --> 00:10:28,858
I can just go back to her.
234
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,839
Hey, Lola. Free for lunch?
235
00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,572
You got a lot of nerve
coming back here.
236
00:10:34,576 --> 00:10:36,323
-I know.
-No, no.
237
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:41,766
I-I do not get involved with the
lives of my coworkers, period.
238
00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:47,835
But things between Adelola
and Nicole haven't been the same
239
00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:50,921
since Nicole and Mare
became best friends.
240
00:10:50,925 --> 00:10:53,257
Also, Nicole's
college friend Krysta
241
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:55,593
was talking shit about Adelola,
242
00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:57,511
and Nicole did not have her back.
243
00:10:57,515 --> 00:10:59,180
So...
244
00:10:59,184 --> 00:11:00,598
I guess you forgot
I like the ones
245
00:11:00,602 --> 00:11:02,078
that you can peel apart.
246
00:11:03,188 --> 00:11:05,019
-Oh.
-I like to call it
247
00:11:05,023 --> 00:11:07,062
The Real Single Ladies of Toledo.
248
00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:08,522
If you don't know
the backstory,
249
00:11:08,526 --> 00:11:10,482
these guys were hot
and heavy lunch buds.
250
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:13,444
Then Mare gets hired,
for a while it's a three-way.
251
00:11:13,448 --> 00:11:16,864
Until one day, Mare shows up
with only two boba teas
252
00:11:16,868 --> 00:11:19,491
and Adelola, she gets left out.
253
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,535
It was brutal.
254
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,287
You're a fan too?
255
00:11:23,291 --> 00:11:24,955
This show gives me
a reason to live.
256
00:11:24,959 --> 00:11:26,227
It's fine.
257
00:11:29,130 --> 00:11:32,213
Honestly, guys,
I'm gonna be fine. It's fine.
258
00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:33,797
I'm worried that
you lost a lot of blood.
259
00:11:33,801 --> 00:11:35,507
Your foot is like, snow white.
260
00:11:35,511 --> 00:11:36,842
His whole leg's white.
261
00:11:36,846 --> 00:11:38,802
-Then why is the bite blue?
-Okay.
262
00:11:38,806 --> 00:11:40,804
"Rat bites can turn blue
with the presence of
263
00:11:40,808 --> 00:11:42,848
Streptobacillus moniliformis."
264
00:11:42,852 --> 00:11:44,475
-That sounds awful.
-Yes. Yes.
265
00:11:44,479 --> 00:11:45,809
You're not gonna sue, yeah?
266
00:11:45,813 --> 00:11:48,646
I mean, still
the two amendments, right?
267
00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:50,397
Forget about it.
268
00:11:50,401 --> 00:11:52,441
I think we gotta catch
this rat, sir.
269
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,734
Make sure it's not rabid.
270
00:11:53,738 --> 00:11:55,236
It's not rabid, Travis.
271
00:11:55,240 --> 00:12:00,366
And Hank, ain't nobody suing
nobody, all right?
272
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:03,661
This has been super fun, guys.
I'll catch you again.
273
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:04,891
Oh, and Hank?
274
00:12:05,858 --> 00:12:08,478
Hit me up if you got any tips.
275
00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:13,003
We have to write this up, right?
276
00:12:13,007 --> 00:12:15,172
I mean, there could be rabies.
277
00:12:15,176 --> 00:12:17,487
You really think
there's rabies in this town?
278
00:12:18,596 --> 00:12:20,052
I have nieces.
279
00:12:20,056 --> 00:12:22,471
There's way worse diseases
than rabies out there.
280
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,473
You ever heard
of the Black Death?
281
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:26,308
It would make you wish
for rabies.
282
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,269
Kendra, I'm not telling you
how to parent.
283
00:12:28,273 --> 00:12:30,938
I'm just saying, tell them
not to play with rats.
284
00:12:30,942 --> 00:12:32,439
Why is this a fight?
285
00:12:32,443 --> 00:12:34,566
I know that you don't wanna
lose your new source,
286
00:12:34,570 --> 00:12:37,152
but this is a potential
public health hazard.
287
00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,320
Mare.
288
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:42,116
People don't buy the paper
to read about us, all right?
289
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,118
There's no section
called "The Editor's Ankle."
290
00:12:44,122 --> 00:12:46,933
-Yeah.
-So let's just get back to work.
291
00:12:51,296 --> 00:12:53,877
I don't think we should listen
to Ned on this one.
292
00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:55,963
Uh... Okay.
293
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:58,299
He's putting the paper first
like usual.
294
00:12:58,303 --> 00:13:00,009
He doesn't wanna lose
his new source,
295
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,135
and he'd rather
let his foot fall off
296
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:02,720
than advocate for himself.
297
00:13:02,724 --> 00:13:05,472
Why don't you guys go pull
the snack bar's health records?
298
00:13:05,476 --> 00:13:07,474
Okay?
I'm gonna find some rat experts.
299
00:13:07,478 --> 00:13:09,184
All right. We're on it.
300
00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:10,894
Just you and me on this one,
Trick.
301
00:13:12,275 --> 00:13:15,357
So I've been called D, Big D,
Detective Rick,
302
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,985
Debt with a B, Detrick,
give me more.
303
00:13:17,989 --> 00:13:19,320
Like, honestly, it's hard for me
304
00:13:19,324 --> 00:13:20,946
to find nicknames
I don't vibe with.
305
00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:23,324
But Travis has a gift for it.
306
00:13:23,328 --> 00:13:26,514
-The Icky-Tricky Boys, back at it.
-Yep.
307
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:32,333
There you are.
308
00:13:32,337 --> 00:13:34,918
So I hear your mom's in town...
309
00:13:34,922 --> 00:13:36,899
-No ketchup?
-Uh...
310
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,902
Yeah. Of course.
311
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,304
Oh, Nicole.
Fetching condiments.
312
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,723
The ultimate lunchtime
humiliation.
313
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,266
That's why I love Adarina.
314
00:13:49,270 --> 00:13:51,143
She's gonna make you work
for it. You want back in?
315
00:13:51,147 --> 00:13:52,728
You'll be crawling on your knees.
316
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,396
-Adelola.
-Whatever.
317
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,567
The positive comments
from my article keep rolling in.
318
00:14:00,031 --> 00:14:01,737
And now I have an invitation
319
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:07,576
from NPR to talk to someone
named Gross Terry.
320
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:12,122
He is probably one of those
obnoxious morning DJs.
321
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:14,604
Should I do it?
Or should I blow him off?
322
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:19,609
Ahh!
323
00:14:23,137 --> 00:14:26,595
I heard that you have been
bitten by a rat.
324
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:30,224
-Yeah.
-What a weird thing to happen to a man.
325
00:14:30,228 --> 00:14:32,601
They usually eat garbage.
326
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,624
Are you garbage, Ned?
327
00:14:36,150 --> 00:14:39,149
The universe has no reason
to punish me.
328
00:14:39,153 --> 00:14:41,860
But if it did,
Esmeralda getting a Terry Gross
329
00:14:41,864 --> 00:14:44,696
interview on Fresh Air today
for her progressive editorial
330
00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,950
would be an effective way
of doing so.
331
00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:50,369
Who was the real victim here?
332
00:14:50,373 --> 00:14:53,497
Ned with the gun,
or the little rat,
333
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,999
who was probably a single parent?
334
00:14:56,003 --> 00:14:59,044
Uh-huh. And why would it run
towards a loud sound
335
00:14:59,048 --> 00:15:00,254
like a gunshot?
336
00:15:00,258 --> 00:15:01,880
You got the photo I sent, right?
337
00:15:01,884 --> 00:15:03,215
It doesn't look like a rat bite.
338
00:15:03,219 --> 00:15:05,092
How do you explain the wound?
339
00:15:05,096 --> 00:15:07,428
Um... Maybe a Bic?
340
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:10,264
-What?
-Or a Uni-Ball?
341
00:15:10,268 --> 00:15:11,498
Uh... No. No.
342
00:15:11,502 --> 00:15:15,102
We have visual confirmation
that it was definitely a rat.
343
00:15:15,106 --> 00:15:17,062
Thank you for your time. Bye.
344
00:15:19,652 --> 00:15:21,650
-Hey.
-What's up, Mare?
345
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:24,403
-How'd it go?
-So the snack bar's records came back spotless.
346
00:15:24,407 --> 00:15:27,281
Passed every inspection. No rats, no droppings ever.
347
00:15:27,285 --> 00:15:29,616
Ephraim is really tearing
himself up about this.
348
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:33,495
-Ephraim?
-Ephraim Nikoliades. Lovely man.
349
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,289
Can you guys go back
one more time?
350
00:15:35,293 --> 00:15:37,416
And just check the outside
of the gun range?
351
00:15:37,420 --> 00:15:39,001
If the rat
isn't from the kitchen,
352
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:40,252
where is it coming from?
353
00:15:40,256 --> 00:15:42,525
You want us to go look
for a rat hive?
354
00:15:43,468 --> 00:15:45,174
-Get moving.
-Okay.
355
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,362
Okay.
356
00:15:47,296 --> 00:15:50,679
-It's crazy, man.
-Yeah, crazy. Come on.
357
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:55,142
All right. Come on, Tricky J.
D-Bag Slim.
358
00:15:55,146 --> 00:15:56,727
What's going on with these two?
359
00:15:56,731 --> 00:15:58,145
I don't know, don't care.
360
00:15:58,149 --> 00:16:00,731
Not interested
in the dynamics with men.
361
00:16:00,735 --> 00:16:02,191
Hm.
362
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,359
-Tricky Diddles.
-Stop.
363
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:06,111
I really think
we need to get back
364
00:16:06,115 --> 00:16:07,654
to the Glass Club crusade.
365
00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:09,907
I'm not gonna stop the rat story,
366
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:11,783
but it is a very small story.
367
00:16:11,787 --> 00:16:14,369
It's probably more, like,
one line in the police blotter.
368
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,330
Because I'm not... I'm fine.
369
00:16:16,334 --> 00:16:17,789
Adam?
370
00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:21,585
-Hi, honey. How was the doctor?
-I'm pregnant again.
371
00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:23,754
No, you were just pregnant.
You had the baby.
372
00:16:23,758 --> 00:16:26,381
I know. And then you said
you got a vasectomy.
373
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:29,134
I did get a vasectomy.
Remember?
374
00:16:29,138 --> 00:16:30,969
I went to the best surgeon
in Ensenada.
375
00:16:30,973 --> 00:16:32,346
It's next to the fish taco place.
376
00:16:32,350 --> 00:16:34,223
They went in through my back.
Labrosopic.
377
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,391
I woke up in a bath of ice
holding a margarita.
378
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:38,060
They swiped your kidney, kid.
379
00:16:38,064 --> 00:16:39,478
No, it was a vasectomy.
380
00:16:39,482 --> 00:16:41,271
I don't think they would have
given me $500
381
00:16:41,275 --> 00:16:42,731
for my kidney, Barry.
382
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,149
-Adam.
-What?
383
00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:47,402
I envy what Adam and Summer have.
384
00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:48,716
Sex.
385
00:16:49,992 --> 00:16:51,240
-We're back.
-Hey.
386
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,741
You'll never believe this.
387
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,993
There's a lab a hundred feet
away from the gun range.
388
00:16:54,997 --> 00:16:57,496
Check this out. Check it out.
389
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:58,956
So Travis took some pictures,
390
00:16:58,960 --> 00:17:00,249
I interviewed a scientist.
391
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,667
-They got hell a rats.
-Shut up.
392
00:17:01,671 --> 00:17:04,086
But there's one problem.
All their rats are white.
393
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:06,734
Okay. What do we know?
394
00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:09,216
The rat was brown.
395
00:17:09,220 --> 00:17:11,552
The brown rat bit a man
in a gun range.
396
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:14,012
The lab is less than
a hundred feet away
397
00:17:14,016 --> 00:17:16,139
but all their rats are white.
398
00:17:16,143 --> 00:17:17,828
I mean, if they're telling
the truth.
399
00:17:19,814 --> 00:17:21,270
Okay. New info.
400
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,272
There's a cosmetics lab
about a hundred feet away.
401
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,439
The rats are probably coming
402
00:17:24,443 --> 00:17:25,941
to the gun range
from the lab, right?
403
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:29,111
Drawn by the loud gunfire
and acrid smoke?
404
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,530
Well, and the fries.
405
00:17:31,534 --> 00:17:34,783
No rat has ever
behaved like that.
406
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:38,307
Unless someone
completely -rewired its brain.
407
00:17:41,043 --> 00:17:44,293
Hm. And what would be
the expected property tax
408
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,878
on 100 acres of residential land?
409
00:17:46,882 --> 00:17:49,631
Hm. See, that's... That's a lot.
410
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,508
-Hey. You got a moment?
-Sure.
411
00:17:51,512 --> 00:17:54,136
Can I call you back? Thanks.
412
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:55,283
Okay.
413
00:17:56,183 --> 00:17:57,556
So the key to this is,
414
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,891
the rat behaved
in a really weird way.
415
00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:01,143
It sparked my curiosity,
416
00:18:01,147 --> 00:18:02,769
so I interviewed
a rat behavior expert.
417
00:18:02,773 --> 00:18:05,480
Now, a normal rat wouldn't run
out in the middle of gunfire
418
00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,982
and just aggressively bite
a human.
419
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,775
Have you ever heard of a rat
that would do that?
420
00:18:08,779 --> 00:18:12,571
But a lab rat that's being
experimented on, maybe.
421
00:18:12,575 --> 00:18:15,657
But then we realized that the
cosmetics store is just a front.
422
00:18:15,661 --> 00:18:17,534
Behind the lab
with the white rats
423
00:18:17,538 --> 00:18:19,661
is most likely a secret lab
where somebody...
424
00:18:19,665 --> 00:18:21,204
I don't freaking know,
the military?
425
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,708
Is funding research on a rat
that runs towards gunfire,
426
00:18:24,712 --> 00:18:27,252
weaponizing an aggressive
wartime rat, either as a,
427
00:18:27,256 --> 00:18:28,712
you know, end in itself,
428
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:30,922
maybe carrying a little
explosive backpack or something,
429
00:18:30,926 --> 00:18:33,863
or as a prototype for
the same experiment on humans.
430
00:18:35,014 --> 00:18:36,053
Forget the Glass Club,
431
00:18:36,057 --> 00:18:37,220
this should be our crusade.
432
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:39,014
This could be our Pulitzer.
433
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:40,202
Hm.
434
00:18:41,771 --> 00:18:43,956
I don't know
why he's not more excited.
435
00:18:45,232 --> 00:18:46,542
Hm.
436
00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,880
Unless... he lied.
437
00:18:56,619 --> 00:18:57,824
-Hey, Ned?
-Hm?
438
00:18:57,828 --> 00:18:58,825
This is Ashley.
439
00:18:58,829 --> 00:19:00,494
She's gonna be giving you
your rabies shot.
440
00:19:00,498 --> 00:19:02,079
Since you were bit by a rat.
441
00:19:02,083 --> 00:19:05,082
Oh, yeah. So... I-I don't think
the rat actually had rabies.
442
00:19:05,086 --> 00:19:07,751
If you don't get the shot,
you could die.
443
00:19:07,755 --> 00:19:08,689
Okay.
444
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,091
Jesus. That's the shot?
445
00:19:14,095 --> 00:19:15,279
One of five.
446
00:19:18,099 --> 00:19:19,554
Cool.
447
00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:23,767
That's actually a boba straw
I spray-painted silver.
448
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:25,602
And Ashley isn't really a nurse.
449
00:19:25,606 --> 00:19:28,021
I went to high school with her,
and we both did musical theater.
450
00:19:28,025 --> 00:19:29,815
You'll be getting
two injections today.
451
00:19:29,819 --> 00:19:32,401
One is the vaccine, one is
the rabies immune globulin.
452
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:33,902
After this,
you'll get three more shots.
453
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,654
We'll be seeing
a lot more of each other.
454
00:19:35,658 --> 00:19:38,949
Wow. No idea this was
such a long process.
455
00:19:38,953 --> 00:19:41,806
But you have to do it,
because you were bit by a rat.
456
00:19:42,873 --> 00:19:43,808
-Right?
-Right.
457
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,957
I wish I wasn't, but I was.
458
00:19:46,961 --> 00:19:50,210
Side effects include chills,
dizziness, fever, seizures,
459
00:19:50,214 --> 00:19:52,963
necrosis at the injection site,
vomiting, diarrhea,
460
00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:55,757
increased likelihood of stroke,
rectal bleeding, hair loss...
461
00:19:55,761 --> 00:19:58,260
-Hair loss?
-Also rectal bleeding.
462
00:19:58,264 --> 00:19:59,865
Yeah. That was in there.
463
00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:05,392
All right, all right,
let's do it.
464
00:20:05,396 --> 00:20:06,539
Oh, no.
465
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:19,009
Sir?
466
00:20:20,995 --> 00:20:21,971
No.
467
00:20:23,072 --> 00:20:25,996
The shots are so large
to penetrate the abdominal wall.
468
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,331
-Yes.
-I like to go in through the navel.
469
00:20:28,335 --> 00:20:30,500
-Just do it. Do it now.
-Okay.
470
00:20:30,504 --> 00:20:33,879
I mean, it was not
what you would expect.
471
00:20:33,883 --> 00:20:36,673
He was looking forward
to be scared.
472
00:20:36,677 --> 00:20:41,136
But in the end he told me,
"Mom, that was nothing."
473
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:45,348
So even your young son wasn't
afraid. That says something.
474
00:20:45,352 --> 00:20:52,314
Exactly. No matter what anyone
tells you, not scary.
475
00:20:52,318 --> 00:20:53,774
Okay, if you're just joining us,
476
00:20:53,778 --> 00:20:55,859
-my guest is Esmeralda Grand.
-Yes.
477
00:20:55,863 --> 00:20:58,528
She's the online editor
of the Toledo newspaper...
478
00:20:58,532 --> 00:21:00,197
-TTT Online.
-The Truth Teller.
479
00:21:00,201 --> 00:21:01,364
Yes.
480
00:21:01,368 --> 00:21:02,824
-And I want to...
-Thank you.
481
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,118
Hi. Ciao, America. I love you.
482
00:21:05,122 --> 00:21:09,039
So, Esmeralda, in order to
challenge people's stereotypes,
483
00:21:09,043 --> 00:21:11,750
you wrote about a halfway house.
484
00:21:11,754 --> 00:21:13,543
But you wrote about it
satirically,
485
00:21:13,547 --> 00:21:15,712
as if it were a haunted house
486
00:21:15,716 --> 00:21:19,445
that wasn't very successful
at scaring people.
487
00:21:24,725 --> 00:21:25,789
Yes.
488
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:28,871
Do you have any sense
of what can be changed?
489
00:21:29,897 --> 00:21:31,269
Well, all or a, at first,
490
00:21:31,273 --> 00:21:35,565
my thoughts were a dead bride,
crying blood,
491
00:21:35,569 --> 00:21:38,318
and maybe a clown
with a huge knife.
492
00:21:38,322 --> 00:21:44,741
But now, I would say maybe,
I think, more social workers.
493
00:21:44,745 --> 00:21:47,369
Okay, I think I see
what's happening here.
494
00:21:47,373 --> 00:21:48,912
My apologies to listeners.
495
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:52,749
We're gonna have to end
this misguided interview.
496
00:21:52,753 --> 00:21:55,961
Thank you. Thank you, Terry,
to having me here.
497
00:21:55,965 --> 00:21:58,088
Ciao, America. I love you.
498
00:21:58,092 --> 00:21:59,673
Oh, great job, Louis.
499
00:21:59,677 --> 00:22:01,987
Yes, Louis, great job.
Thank you.
500
00:22:02,805 --> 00:22:04,010
Now, if there's any reason
501
00:22:04,014 --> 00:22:05,720
you don't want this strong woman
502
00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:08,265
to plunge a giant needle
into your stomach,
503
00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:10,183
I feel like now's the time
to say something.
504
00:22:10,187 --> 00:22:14,145
No. I need to prevent rabies.
Because of my rat bite.
505
00:22:14,149 --> 00:22:17,169
So do it. Just do it, do it,
do it. Come on, come on.
506
00:22:19,154 --> 00:22:20,130
Okay.
507
00:22:21,657 --> 00:22:25,135
Just... Can you wait outside,
Ash?
508
00:22:27,121 --> 00:22:28,097
Sorry.
509
00:22:31,959 --> 00:22:35,292
Dude, what is wrong with you?
510
00:22:35,296 --> 00:22:38,003
You'd really rather let her
stab you in the stomach
511
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:39,921
than just admit there was
no freaking rat?
512
00:22:39,925 --> 00:22:42,674
I mean, why? Why do you have
such a desperate need
513
00:22:42,678 --> 00:22:44,134
to impress this cop?
514
00:22:44,138 --> 00:22:47,658
I don't have a desperate need
to impress a cop.
515
00:22:50,102 --> 00:22:52,204
You hit the bullseye
on your first shot.
516
00:22:53,647 --> 00:22:55,708
-Dude.
-You were in the Army.
517
00:22:58,485 --> 00:23:01,318
In all honesty,
when the gun startled you,
518
00:23:01,322 --> 00:23:02,819
was it the bang or the recoil?
519
00:23:02,823 --> 00:23:04,216
It pinched my finger.
520
00:23:07,369 --> 00:23:08,512
Bang!
521
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,161
-Oh, my God.
-Damn it.
522
00:23:11,165 --> 00:23:12,099
You're cute.
523
00:23:13,709 --> 00:23:15,561
You're really cute.
524
00:23:17,129 --> 00:23:19,857
-Thank you.
-And you have a cute tushy.
525
00:23:30,017 --> 00:23:31,348
{\an8}Wait, what?
526
00:23:31,352 --> 00:23:32,849
{\an8}She thought I left her out?
527
00:23:32,853 --> 00:23:35,226
{\an8}I just thought Adelola
didn't like Japanese food.
528
00:23:35,230 --> 00:23:36,770
{\an8}Oh, my God.
529
00:23:36,774 --> 00:23:38,355
{\an8}-Hey.
-Hey.
530
00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:41,086
{\an8}I think I forgot to get you
one of these a while ago.
531
00:23:42,196 --> 00:23:43,130
{\an8}Oh.
532
00:23:44,031 --> 00:23:45,007
{\an8}Thanks.
533
00:23:48,494 --> 00:23:49,720
{\an8}Where's the straw?
534
00:23:50,996 --> 00:23:52,848
{\an8}How am I supposed to drink this?
535
00:23:55,709 --> 00:23:58,416
{\an8}And we're back.
36863
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