All language subtitles for [rDZ_gaUQab4].en

Welcome to the news show. MY NAME IS

Welcome to the news show. MY NAME IS
JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

JOHN STO. GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
Later on, we are going to be joined by

Later on, we are going to be joined by

Later on, we are going to be joined by
Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a

Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a

Governor Spencer Cox of Utah. He's got a
new book out on how we can as a nation

new book out on how we can as a nation

new book out on how we can as a nation
disagree

disagree

disagree
more agreeably. And I will be the first

more agreeably. And I will be the first

more agreeably. And I will be the first
to tell him to go himself.

to tell him to go himself.

to tell him to go himself.
[cheering]

[laughter]

[laughter]
That that can't be what's written. Hold

That that can't be what's written. Hold

That that can't be what's written. Hold
on,

on,

on,
folks. I am re-energized.

folks. I am re-energized.

folks. I am re-energized.
We've been gone for the month

We've been gone for the month

We've been gone for the month
for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME

for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME

for the entire MONTH OF AUGUST. I ASSUME
the same for yourselves now that we are

the same for yourselves now that we are

the same for yourselves now that we are
all as a country synced up on the French

all as a country synced up on the French

all as a country synced up on the French
calendar. We all took the month off

calendar. We all took the month off

calendar. We all took the month off
because I think we learned from

because I think we learned from

because I think we learned from
experience. August is a dead zone.

experience. August is a dead zone.

experience. August is a dead zone.
People are on vacation. The news ticker

People are on vacation. The news ticker

People are on vacation. The news ticker
slows to a crawl. Just a series of black

slows to a crawl. Just a series of black

slows to a crawl. Just a series of black
bear and swimming pool videos.

bear and swimming pool videos.

bear and swimming pool videos.
So, I checked out,

rejuvenated,

rejuvenated,
just out of a kind of morbid curiosity.

just out of a kind of morbid curiosity.

just out of a kind of morbid curiosity.
Did I miss anything at all?

Did I miss anything at all?

Did I miss anything at all?
>> President Trump rolling back decades of

>> President Trump rolling back decades of

>> President Trump rolling back decades of
childhood vaccine guidance, threatening

childhood vaccine guidance, threatening

childhood vaccine guidance, threatening
to demolish the Kennedy Center.

to demolish the Kennedy Center.

to demolish the Kennedy Center.
>> Trump's attack on mail-in voting,

>> Trump's attack on mail-in voting,

>> Trump's attack on mail-in voting,
suggesting that he'll take over the

suggesting that he'll take over the

suggesting that he'll take over the
midterm elections. President Trump

midterm elections. President Trump

midterm elections. President Trump
siding with North Korea.

siding with North Korea.

siding with North Korea.
>> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln.

>> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln.

>> Crisis at sea aboard the USS Lincoln.
>> Conditions so bad, there are reports of

>> Conditions so bad, there are reports of

>> Conditions so bad, there are reports of
sailors attempting to jump overboard.

sailors attempting to jump overboard.

sailors attempting to jump overboard.
Trump threatening to wipe out Iran,

Trump threatening to wipe out Iran,

Trump threatening to wipe out Iran,
>> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally,

>> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally,

>> threatened to bomb Oman, a US ally,
>> saying that he was going to use the US

>> saying that he was going to use the US

>> saying that he was going to use the US
military against the bond market.

military against the bond market.

military against the bond market.
>> NO. [screaming]

[laughter]

[laughter]
OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering]

OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering]

OH, NO. I'M OLD AGAIN. [cheering]
I'm I'm old. [applause]

I love that we thought I needed a beard

I love that we thought I needed a beard
to look old again.

Oh no.

Oh no.
Pretty

Pretty

Pretty
God. It never ends with this dude.

God. It never ends with this dude.

God. It never ends with this dude.
Trump. I have never seen one person work

Trump. I have never seen one person work

Trump. I have never seen one person work
so much and fix so little.

so much and fix so little.

so much and fix so little.
It's exhausting in a way that's

It's exhausting in a way that's

It's exhausting in a way that's
difficult to articulate. Which is why

difficult to articulate. Which is why

difficult to articulate. Which is why
one of the stories from this past August

one of the stories from this past August

one of the stories from this past August
did resonate with me so much more

did resonate with me so much more

did resonate with me so much more
deeply. And that's the plight of the USS

deeply. And that's the plight of the USS

deeply. And that's the plight of the USS
Lincoln.

Lincoln.

Lincoln.
>> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on

>> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on

>> 5,000 US sailors and marines serving on
the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land

the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land

the USS Lincoln, stepping on dry land
for the first time in more than 9

for the first time in more than 9

for the first time in more than 9
months. The once gleaming aircraft

months. The once gleaming aircraft

months. The once gleaming aircraft
carrier docking in Thailand after 286

carrier docking in Thailand after 286

carrier docking in Thailand after 286
days at sea, covered in rust after a

days at sea, covered in rust after a

days at sea, covered in rust after a
record setting deployment. Do you see

record setting deployment. Do you see

record setting deployment. Do you see
it? Look, look,

it? Look, look,

it? Look, look,
look carefully.

look carefully.

look carefully.
Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S

Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S

Do you see? Let's do the before. LET'S
DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor?

DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor?

DO THE AFTER. Do you see the metaphor?
This ship.

This ship.

This ship.
A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY,

A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY,

A SYMBOL OF AMERICAN MIGHT, INGENUITY,
TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC

TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC

TECHNICAL KNOWHOW, PATRIOTIC
DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged

DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged

DETERMINATION, laid low by prolonged
exposure to relentless, corrosive

exposure to relentless, corrosive

exposure to relentless, corrosive
elements, reckless mismanagement. This

elements, reckless mismanagement. This

elements, reckless mismanagement. This
ship, DO YOU SEE?

ship, DO YOU SEE?

ship, DO YOU SEE?
IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's

IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's

IT'S NOT THE USS LINCOLN. IT'S NOT. It's
just us. It's just it's us.

just us. It's just it's us.

just us. It's just it's us.
[laughter]

We're the ship.

We're the ship.
This is what we look like

This is what we look like

This is what we look like
as Americans

as Americans

as Americans
inside

inside

inside
after 18 months of this presidency.

after 18 months of this presidency.

after 18 months of this presidency.
Warn. And by the way, we don't get the

Warn. And by the way, we don't get the

Warn. And by the way, we don't get the
oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it

oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it

oneweek tai sex trip to try and paper it
all over.

all over.

all over.
We just have to suck it up. I want you

We just have to suck it up. I want you

We just have to suck it up. I want you
to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED.

to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED.

to look at the picture OF THIS RUSTED.
LOOK [screaming] AT IT.

LOOK [screaming] AT IT.

LOOK [screaming] AT IT.
Don't look away. I want you to think

Don't look away. I want you to think

Don't look away. I want you to think
about the visible, tangible, actual,

about the visible, tangible, actual,

about the visible, tangible, actual,
indisputable, factual signs of corrosion

indisputable, factual signs of corrosion

indisputable, factual signs of corrosion
on this ship. This is the president

on this ship. This is the president

on this ship. This is the president
discussing it.

discussing it.

discussing it.
>> People on the Lincoln, they say it's

>> People on the Lincoln, they say it's

>> People on the Lincoln, they say it's
beautifully maintained and beautifully

beautifully maintained and beautifully

beautifully maintained and beautifully
taken care of.

taken care of.

taken care of.
It's not.

It's not.

It's not.
It is obviously not.

It is obviously not.

It is obviously not.
Look at it.

Look at it.

Look at it.
Look at my precious.

Look at my precious.

Look at my precious.
The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better

The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better

The actual Abraham Lincoln is in better
shape than this chip.

shape than this chip.

shape than this chip.
[applause and cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]
>> [applause]

>> A beautifully maintained, beautifully

>> A beautifully maintained, beautifully
taken care of ship doesn't look like the

taken care of ship doesn't look like the

taken care of ship doesn't look like the
abandoned bridge near my high school

abandoned bridge near my high school

abandoned bridge near my high school
where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't.

where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't.

where we used to smoke weed. It doesn't.
And it's this the relentless denial of

And it's this the relentless denial of

And it's this the relentless denial of
reality that is just one of the elements

reality that is just one of the elements

reality that is just one of the elements
eating away at the foundational

eating away at the foundational

eating away at the foundational
loadbearing structures that hold this

loadbearing structures that hold this

loadbearing structures that hold this
country together. us and the other

country together. us and the other

country together. us and the other
corrosive element by God, the other the

corrosive element by God, the other the

corrosive element by God, the other the
memes.

memes.

memes.
Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Make it stop.
>> Overnight, the trade war with Canada

>> Overnight, the trade war with Canada

>> Overnight, the trade war with Canada
continuing to escalate.

continuing to escalate.

continuing to escalate.
>> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon

>> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon

>> President Trump hosting a hockey cartoon
mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark

mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark

mocking Canadian Prime Minister Mark
Carney as governor.

Carney as governor.

Carney as governor.
What the

What the

What the
[laughter and cheering]

[laughter and cheering]

[laughter and cheering]
First of all, I can't believe AI has

First of all, I can't believe AI has

First of all, I can't believe AI has
gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's

gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's

gotten so advanced it can fit Trump's
ankles into ice skates. That's not

ankles into ice skates. That's not

ankles into ice skates. That's not
That's not real. [cheering]

That's not real. [cheering]

That's not real. [cheering]
That can't be right. [applause] The

That can't be right. [applause] The

That can't be right. [applause] The
computer generated. Yeah, we're in a

computer generated. Yeah, we're in a

computer generated. Yeah, we're in a
full-blown trade war with Canada. Real

full-blown trade war with Canada. Real

full-blown trade war with Canada. Real
consequences. Here's what they're

consequences. Here's what they're

consequences. Here's what they're
hearing from their leader.

hearing from their leader.

hearing from their leader.
>> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked

>> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked

>> In the face of unjustified, unprovoked
tariffs from the United States. We're

tariffs from the United States. We're

tariffs from the United States. We're
stepping up. When we're united, there's

stepping up. When we're united, there's

stepping up. When we're united, there's
nothing the Canadian workers can't do.

nothing the Canadian workers can't do.

nothing the Canadian workers can't do.
[snorts]

[snorts]

[snorts]
>> Jesus.

>> Jesus.

>> Jesus.
Here's what we're getting.

Here's what we're getting.

Here's what we're getting.
>> So, Lake Ontario, that's gone. Lake

America. Thank you very much, everybody.

America. Thank you very much, everybody.
Enjoy Lake America.

You You CAN'T THAT'S NOT HOW things

You You CAN'T THAT'S NOT HOW things
work. You don't settle COMPLICATED

work. You don't settle COMPLICATED

work. You don't settle COMPLICATED
INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just

INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just

INTERNATIONAL AGREEMENTS BY WRITING just
a new name on the map.

a new name on the map.

a new name on the map.
and expecting everyone to just follow

and expecting everyone to just follow

and expecting everyone to just follow
along.

along.

along.
>> Google Maps is complying with President

>> Google Maps is complying with President

>> Google Maps is complying with President
Trump's executive order renaming Lake

Trump's executive order renaming Lake

Trump's executive order renaming Lake
Ontario to Lake America.

I CAN FEEL THE RUST EATING ME.

I CAN FEEL THE RUST EATING ME.
Canada's our second largest trading

Canada's our second largest trading

Canada's our second largest trading
partner. 60% of our oil imports come

partner. 60% of our oil imports come

partner. 60% of our oil imports come
from Canada. Half of our timber. We get

from Canada. Half of our timber. We get

from Canada. Half of our timber. We get
parts for cars and plane. Not to mention

parts for cars and plane. Not to mention

parts for cars and plane. Not to mention
100% of our Carly Rays Jeepson.

Why would we be trolling them? Is that

Why would we be trolling them? Is that
the plan to troll them into submission?

the plan to troll them into submission?

the plan to troll them into submission?
Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely

Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely

Treasury Secretary Scott Best, surely
you have a more substantive

you have a more substantive

you have a more substantive
understanding of the Canada, United

understanding of the Canada, United

understanding of the Canada, United
States dynamic.

States dynamic.

States dynamic.
>> How do you see all of this playing out?

>> How do you see all of this playing out?

>> How do you see all of this playing out?
Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a

Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a

Well, you know, Laura, the uh I had a
German Shepherd and the there was a

German Shepherd and the there was a

German Shepherd and the there was a
dachshund that used to antagonize her at

dachshund that used to antagonize her at

dachshund that used to antagonize her at
the play at at the playground.

the play at at the playground.

the play at at the playground.
[laughter]

Oh, yes. The playground,

Oh, yes. The playground,
as dog people famously refer to the

as dog people famously refer to the

as dog people famously refer to the
place they take their dogs to play. Yes.

place they take their dogs to play. Yes.

place they take their dogs to play. Yes.
saw my shepherd friend and I were

saw my shepherd friend and I were

saw my shepherd friend and I were
enjoying a sphere retrieval session at

enjoying a sphere retrieval session at

enjoying a sphere retrieval session at
the playground.

the playground.

the playground.
You know, dogs are truly one of man's

You know, dogs are truly one of man's

You know, dogs are truly one of man's
closest associates.

closest associates.

closest associates.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
But carry on with your trenchant

But carry on with your trenchant

But carry on with your trenchant
completely real story analogy. And the

completely real story analogy. And the

completely real story analogy. And the
this little little yippy dog they uh

this little little yippy dog they uh

this little little yippy dog they uh
used to just like bark away and you know

used to just like bark away and you know

used to just like bark away and you know
for for a long time 110 lb German

for for a long time 110 lb German

for for a long time 110 lb German
shepherd was it was ignoring uh the

shepherd was it was ignoring uh the

shepherd was it was ignoring uh the
dachshund and then one day she'd had

dachshund and then one day she'd had

dachshund and then one day she'd had
enough and unfortunately Prime Minister

enough and unfortunately Prime Minister

enough and unfortunately Prime Minister
Carney did walk away.

Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary

Is it weird that the Treasury Secretary
is at some sort of Germanonly dog

is at some sort of Germanonly dog

is at some sort of Germanonly dog
playground?

THEY'RE JOINED BY THE SCHNEDER BY

THEY'RE JOINED BY THE SCHNEDER BY
MELINA.

MELINA.

MELINA.
THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A

THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A

THEY CAN ENTER. BUT THIS DOODLE IS A
MUCH IS A MONGREL.

MUCH IS A MONGREL.

MUCH IS A MONGREL.
A MIXED BREED DOODLE. UNCLEAN.

Sorry Germany, you brought these jokes

Sorry Germany, you brought these jokes
back yourself. [laughter]

back yourself. [laughter]

back yourself. [laughter]
>> But seriously, who is the United States

>> But seriously, who is the United States

>> But seriously, who is the United States
in this analogy anyway? Are we the

in this analogy anyway? Are we the

in this analogy anyway? Are we the
dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did

dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did

dachshund? Are we the shepherd? Did
Canada walk away from the deal? Were we

Canada walk away from the deal? Were we

Canada walk away from the deal? Were we
the ones who blew up the deal with

the ones who blew up the deal with

the ones who blew up the deal with
lastminute stuff?

lastminute stuff?

lastminute stuff?
>> I spoke to President Trump over the

>> I spoke to President Trump over the

>> I spoke to President Trump over the
weekend after the breakdown in

weekend after the breakdown in

weekend after the breakdown in
negotiations with Canada. He did not

negotiations with Canada. He did not

negotiations with Canada. He did not
dispute that the US added conditions

dispute that the US added conditions

dispute that the US added conditions
late in the talks. He said, quote, "That

late in the talks. He said, quote, "That

late in the talks. He said, quote, "That
sounds like me." End quote.

[laughter]

[laughter]
That sounds like me.

That sounds like me.

That sounds like me.
That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that

That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that

That sounds like me. Uh, yeah, that
sounds like me. It just happened. This

sounds like me. It just happened. This

sounds like me. It just happened. This
isn't some story from the frat days

isn't some story from the frat days

isn't some story from the frat days
where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of

where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of

where you're like, "Woke up in a pool of
my own vomit in a trade war with

my own vomit in a trade war with

my own vomit in a trade war with
Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like

Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like

Canada." Yeah, I guess that sounds like
me. But I'm married now. Settle down.

me. But I'm married now. Settle down.

me. But I'm married now. Settle down.
But in those days, man, me and the boys

But in those days, man, me and the boys

But in those days, man, me and the boys
sure could derail a negotiation.

God, can you just feel the metal

God, can you just feel the metal
buckling on our starboard side?

buckling on our starboard side?

buckling on our starboard side?
But with the trade war now here, the

But with the trade war now here, the

But with the trade war now here, the
news media has been quick to jump in and

news media has been quick to jump in and

news media has been quick to jump in and
explain what's at stake.

explain what's at stake.

explain what's at stake.
>> Americans are now facing higher prices.

>> Americans are now facing higher prices.

>> Americans are now facing higher prices.
Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones,

Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones,

Some examples, milk, honey, smartphones,
liquor, and even wigs and fake beards.

liquor, and even wigs and fake beards.

liquor, and even wigs and fake beards.
[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause]
Oh, beardy.

I'll never let them take you.

I'll never let them take you.
BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME

BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME

BUT HEY, MAN. CANADA. IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's

YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's

YOU LEARNED A LESSON, CANADA. That's
right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL

right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL

right. Don't AROUND AND YET STILL
HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason.

HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason.

HAVE TO FIND OUT for some reason.
I mean, if you think Canada got raped

I mean, if you think Canada got raped

I mean, if you think Canada got raped
over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared

over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared

over the coals, Steve Witkoff and Jared
Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir

Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir

Kushner headed to Russia to let Vladimir
Putin know what we thought of their war

Putin know what we thought of their war

Putin know what we thought of their war
of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S

of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S

of aggression in Ukraine. Yeah, WHO'S
THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM?

THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM?

THE DOCUND IN THAT ROOM?
>> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank

>> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank

>> SO, first of all, President Putin, thank
you. Thank you so much for having us. We

you. Thank you so much for having us. We

you. Thank you so much for having us. We
were um sitting outside just now, me,

were um sitting outside just now, me,

were um sitting outside just now, me,
Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined

Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined

Jared, and Carol, and then Yuri joined
us, and we were all talking about uh

us, and we were all talking about uh

us, and we were all talking about uh
when we retire, we'll have all these

when we retire, we'll have all these

when we retire, we'll have all these
incredible stories and incredible

incredible stories and incredible

incredible stories and incredible
memories, and yours will be right at the

memories, and yours will be right at the

memories, and yours will be right at the
top of it all.

Jared and I just want to thank you.

Jared and I just want to thank you.
This has been the best semester abroad.

I said I wasn't gonna do this. The best

I said I wasn't gonna do this. The best
semester abroad Jared and I could have

semester abroad Jared and I could have

semester abroad Jared and I could have
ever asked for. And by the way, what

ever asked for. And by the way, what

ever asked for. And by the way, what
the's going on with Jared?

the's going on with Jared?

the's going on with Jared?
He looks like he pre-poisoned himself.

He looks like he pre-poisoned himself.

He looks like he pre-poisoned himself.
[laughter]

What's that? Do you really tell he lives

What's that? Do you really tell he lives
in Miami full time now?

BY THE WAY, WHY ARE WE EVEN OVER THERE

BY THE WAY, WHY ARE WE EVEN OVER THERE
negotiating with him? Why can't Trump

negotiating with him? Why can't Trump

negotiating with him? Why can't Trump
justing get out the old one two here?

justing get out the old one two here?

justing get out the old one two here?
Why can't he just look at that and go

Why can't he just look at that and go

Why can't he just look at that and go
like, "Oh, you know what we should do?

like, "Oh, you know what we should do?

like, "Oh, you know what we should do?
Just Oh, here's what we'll do."

Just Oh, here's what we'll do."

Just Oh, here's what we'll do."
And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh,

And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh,

And we'll call it Love is Stan. Oh,
there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING

there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING

there we go. IT'S ALL FIXED. YOU SEEING
THIS GOOGLE?

[applause]

[applause]
>> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there

>> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there

>> NOW, I know that the naysayers out there
are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT

are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT

are all going to go, "Oh, oh, BUT THAT
THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL.

THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL.

THING YOU DREW, JOHN, THAT'S NOT REAL.
IT'S not real." But isn't that the

IT'S not real." But isn't that the

IT'S not real." But isn't that the
trick? Isn't that the whole game that's

trick? Isn't that the whole game that's

trick? Isn't that the whole game that's
keeping this incompetent ship of fools

keeping this incompetent ship of fools

keeping this incompetent ship of fools
of an administration afloat?

of an administration afloat?

of an administration afloat?
You've been filling up your tank these

You've been filling up your tank these

You've been filling up your tank these
past six months, probably feeling like

past six months, probably feeling like

past six months, probably feeling like
gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON

gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON

gas prices are high. WELL, JOKES'S ON
YOU.

YOU.

YOU.
>> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue

>> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue

>> HOW MUCH LONGER will Americans continue
to see these high gas prices?

to see these high gas prices?

to see these high gas prices?
>> Well, they're not very high.

>> You think they're high? They're not

>> You think they're high? They're not
high. They're actually gas gaslighting

high. They're actually gas gaslighting

high. They're actually gas gaslighting
us.

us.

us.
And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know

And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know

And you may say, "Oh, oh, but you know
what? Even Trump can only stave off

what? Even Trump can only stave off

what? Even Trump can only stave off
reality for so long that the cumulative

reality for so long that the cumulative

reality for so long that the cumulative
effects of high prices and punitive and

effects of high prices and punitive and

effects of high prices and punitive and
chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and

chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and

chaotic tariffs and reckless wars and
narcissistic self agrandisement will

narcissistic self agrandisement will

narcissistic self agrandisement will
take an inevitable toll that cannot be

take an inevitable toll that cannot be

take an inevitable toll that cannot be
denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming]

denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming]

denied. AND YET AND YET [screaming]
THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED.

THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED.

THAT'S WELLMAINTAINED.
>> Every presidency in a second term his

>> Every presidency in a second term his

>> Every presidency in a second term his
poll numbers usually start to decline

poll numbers usually start to decline

poll numbers usually start to decline
and he starts to weaken. And

and he starts to weaken. And

and he starts to weaken. And
that's happening to you. No, it's not.

that's happening to you. No, it's not.

that's happening to you. No, it's not.
>> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll

>> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll

>> Uh, fake polls. I have great poll
numbers.

>> You have great poll numbers. Sure.

>> You have great poll numbers. Sure.
Presidential polls are scored on a scale

Presidential polls are scored on a scale

Presidential polls are scored on a scale
of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing

of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing

of 1 to 30, right? At 32, you're killing
it. And by the way, where does Trump get

it. And by the way, where does Trump get

it. And by the way, where does Trump get
the idea that his policies are having a

the idea that his policies are having a

the idea that his policies are having a
positive impact?

positive impact?

positive impact?
>> I have people coming up to me that have

>> I have people coming up to me that have

>> I have people coming up to me that have
401ks. They said, you know, I was a

401ks. They said, you know, I was a

401ks. They said, you know, I was a
disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me.

disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me.

disaster. My family wouldn't talk to me.
They thought I was a total loser and now

They thought I was a total loser and now

They thought I was a total loser and now
I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like

I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like

I'm like uh the one guy said I feel like
Warren Buffett.

Warren Buffett.

Warren Buffett.
Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from

Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from

Oh, I I see. Trump gets it from
fictional interactions

fictional interactions

fictional interactions
from people whose families had cut them

from people whose families had cut them

from people whose families had cut them
off because of portfolio performance

off because of portfolio performance

off because of portfolio performance
issues.

issues.

issues.
I went no contact with my parents

I went no contact with my parents

I went no contact with my parents
because the underperforming index funds

because the underperforming index funds

because the underperforming index funds
are toxic.

are toxic.

are toxic.
And you may say that you don't know that

And you may say that you don't know that

And you may say that you don't know that
these interactions didn't happen. Oh,

these interactions didn't happen. Oh,

these interactions didn't happen. Oh,
but we do, friends. We do. We know. By

but we do, friends. We do. We know. By

but we do, friends. We do. We know. By
the way, Trump describes the

the way, Trump describes the

the way, Trump describes the
interactions. Every day I come to the

interactions. Every day I come to the

interactions. Every day I come to the
White House, people are thanking me.

White House, people are thanking me.

White House, people are thanking me.
Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you,

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you,

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you,
sir.

sir.

First of all, you don't come to the

First of all, you don't come to the
White House. You live there.

White House. You live there.

White House. You live there.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY

You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY

You don't come to THE WHITE HOUSE EVERY
DAY. YOUR commute is stairs

DAY. YOUR commute is stairs

DAY. YOUR commute is stairs
and anybody you run into works there.

and anybody you run into works there.

and anybody you run into works there.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
But I'll let you continue describing the

But I'll let you continue describing the

But I'll let you continue describing the
regular folk you run into on your way to

regular folk you run into on your way to

regular folk you run into on your way to
work.

work.

work.
>> No, these young, beautiful girls. These

>> No, these young, beautiful girls. These

>> No, these young, beautiful girls. These
young, beautiful girls. These young,

young, beautiful girls. These young,

young, beautiful girls. These young,
beautiful girls in the White House.

beautiful girls in the White House.

beautiful girls in the White House.
>> What's with the three times?

>> What's with the three times?

>> What's with the three times?
You trying to BE JUICE THIS

You trying to BE JUICE THIS

You trying to BE JUICE THIS
Tell us again.

Tell us again.

Tell us again.
No, [cheering] I I mean it.

No, [cheering] I I mean it.

No, [cheering] I I mean it.
Tell us again. What do all the young,

Tell us again. What do all the young,

Tell us again. What do all the young,
beautiful girls that you run into on

beautiful girls that you run into on

beautiful girls that you run into on
your commute to the White House? From

your commute to the White House? From

your commute to the White House? From
the White House, what do they tell you?

the White House, what do they tell you?

the White House, what do they tell you?
These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they

These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they

These gorgeous, beautiful girls, they
they want to be safe and they come. M.

they want to be safe and they come. M.

they want to be safe and they come. M.
Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes.

Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes.

Mr. President, may I speak to you? Yes.
Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why

Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why

Thank you, sir. Thank you. I said, why
are you thanking me? Because a year and

are you thanking me? Because a year and

are you thanking me? Because a year and
a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was

a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was

a half ago, I was afraid to leave. I was
afraid to open the door of my apartment

afraid to open the door of my apartment

afraid to open the door of my apartment
and now I walk to the White House every

and now I walk to the White House every

and now I walk to the White House every
morning and I have absolutely no fear.

morning and I have absolutely no fear.

morning and I have absolutely no fear.
Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.
>> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty

>> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty

>> Well, that is true. I was It was pretty
chaotic around the White House a while

chaotic around the White House a while

chaotic around the White House a while
back. I do remember that. [laughter]

But Trump, Trump cleaned all that up.

But Trump, Trump cleaned all that up.
This is fine. Let's say back in the

This is fine. Let's say back in the

This is fine. Let's say back in the
city. Look, [applause]

city. Look, [applause]

city. Look, [applause]
there is a part of me, I have to say,

there is a part of me, I have to say,

there is a part of me, I have to say,
that thinks fighting his reality

that thinks fighting his reality

that thinks fighting his reality
distortion field is slowly killing us

distortion field is slowly killing us

distortion field is slowly killing us
all. Is rusting us out from the inside

all. Is rusting us out from the inside

all. Is rusting us out from the inside
like that poor battleship.

like that poor battleship.

like that poor battleship.
Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's

Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's

Maybe living in it is better. Maybe it's
just better to be the guy in the matrix

just better to be the guy in the matrix

just better to be the guy in the matrix
going, I don't know, blue pill's not so

going, I don't know, blue pill's not so

going, I don't know, blue pill's not so
bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I

bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I

bad. Reality has stake. Not one. But I
know too much. How do I even get there?

know too much. How do I even get there?

know too much. How do I even get there?
Who would even give me the blue pill?

Who would even give me the blue pill?

Who would even give me the blue pill?
She's one of President Trump's closest

She's one of President Trump's closest

She's one of President Trump's closest
aids, Natalie Harp.

aids, Natalie Harp.

aids, Natalie Harp.
>> Harp's nickname is the human printer

>> Harp's nickname is the human printer

>> Harp's nickname is the human printer
because she follows the president

because she follows the president

because she follows the president
everywhere with a laptop and printer

everywhere with a laptop and printer

everywhere with a laptop and printer
feeding him a steady stream of positive

feeding him a steady stream of positive

feeding him a steady stream of positive
news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an

news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an

news stories. Yes, Donald Trump has an
individual whose whole job is to

individual whose whole job is to

individual whose whole job is to
reinforce his warped reality. And if you

reinforce his warped reality. And if you

reinforce his warped reality. And if you
think you might go into that field and

think you might go into that field and

think you might go into that field and
we're wondering what kind of

we're wondering what kind of

we're wondering what kind of
qualifications you might need, buckle

qualifications you might need, buckle

qualifications you might need, buckle
up. an aid so devoted that she sprints

up. an aid so devoted that she sprints

up. an aid so devoted that she sprints
alongside his golf cart when he's out on

alongside his golf cart when he's out on

alongside his golf cart when he's out on
the links.

the links.

the links.
>> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV

>> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV

>> She once jumped in the trunk of an SUV
to ensure she would be able to be with

to ensure she would be able to be with

to ensure she would be able to be with
the president for a court appearance

the president for a court appearance

the president for a court appearance
when there weren't enough seats in the

when there weren't enough seats in the

when there weren't enough seats in the
motorcade.

motorcade.

motorcade.
>> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster

>> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster

>> Reportedly slept in in the Bedminster
women's locker room to be closer to

women's locker room to be closer to

women's locker room to be closer to
Trump. Wrote him letters that can only

Trump. Wrote him letters that can only

Trump. Wrote him letters that can only
be described as love letters.

be described as love letters.

be described as love letters.
>> Quote, "I never want to bring you

>> Quote, "I never want to bring you

>> Quote, "I never want to bring you
anything but joy.

anything but joy.

anything but joy.
For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going

For the sake of my own sanity, I'm going
to pretend that's referring to the

to pretend that's referring to the

to pretend that's referring to the
dishwashing liquid.

This is unbelievable. The outside world

This is unbelievable. The outside world
is somehow fed into this woman, a single

is somehow fed into this woman, a single

is somehow fed into this woman, a single
conduit, and from there, she is the

conduit, and from there, she is the

conduit, and from there, she is the
filter to all of the information that is

filter to all of the information that is

filter to all of the information that is
directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche.

directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche.

directly fed into Donald Trump's psyche.
And by the way, Natalie Harp had

And by the way, Natalie Harp had

And by the way, Natalie Harp had
repeatedly declined to get security

repeatedly declined to get security

repeatedly declined to get security
clearances. Can we even trust her?

clearances. Can we even trust her?

clearances. Can we even trust her?
Well, decide for yourselves

Well, decide for yourselves

Well, decide for yourselves
because tonight

because tonight

because tonight
here on the Daily Show, we are

here on the Daily Show, we are

here on the Daily Show, we are
premiering exclusive footage. We

premiering exclusive footage. We

premiering exclusive footage. We
lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and

lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and

lived with Natalie Harp [laughter] and
the president for a month to determine

the president for a month to determine

the president for a month to determine
what their relationship was really like.

what their relationship was really like.

what their relationship was really like.
Let's take a quick preview.

Why would I deceive you? [music]

Why would I deceive you? [music]
>> There's no

>> There's no

>> There's no
there's no reason for me to do that.

[cheering]

[cheering]
[applause]

>> I mean, I guess I want that. I mean, but

>> I mean, I guess I want that. I mean, but
who would do that for me?

who would do that for me?

who would do that for me?
>> I'll do it.

>> I'll do it.

>> I'll do it.
>> WAIT, WHAT? RONNIE CHANG. [cheering]

WHAT? [applause]

WHAT? [applause]
RONNIE,

RONNIE,

RONNIE,
this is unbelievable.

this is unbelievable.

this is unbelievable.
[applause]

[applause]

[applause]
>> Thank you, man. [cheering]

>> Thank you, man. [cheering]

>> Thank you, man. [cheering]
Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie,

Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie,

Ronnie, turn everybody. Ronnie,
[cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering]
>> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie.

>> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie.

>> Ronnie, you you'll be my Natalie.
>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring

>> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I want to bring
you joy. You're

you joy. You're

you joy. You're
>> you're my everything or whatever.

>> you're my everything or whatever.

>> you're my everything or whatever.
[laughter]

And you were just standing back there

And you were just standing back there
with a printer?

with a printer?

with a printer?
>> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing

>> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing

>> Yeah. What? You think I was uh stealing
a printer to make flyers for a show I'm

a printer to make flyers for a show I'm

a printer to make flyers for a show I'm
doing? That That That's racist.

doing? That That That's racist.

doing? That That That's racist.
>> Wait, how is that racist?

>> Wait, how is that racist?

>> Wait, how is that racist?
>> Oh, wait. Good news coming in.

Honestly, I think you that was more of a

Honestly, I think you that was more of a
modem voice than

modem voice than

modem voice than
>> Oh my god. Late night television has

>> Oh my god. Late night television has

>> Oh my god. Late night television has
never been more fiscally robust and

never been more fiscally robust and

never been more fiscally robust and
governmentally appreciated.

governmentally appreciated.

governmentally appreciated.
>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.

>> YEAH.
>> WOW. THANKS. [cheering]

>> WOW. THANKS. [cheering]

>> WOW. THANKS. [cheering]
THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true?

THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true?

THANKS, RONNIE. Is that true?
>> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean,

>> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean,

>> Yeah. Yeah, of course. I mean,
[applause] could I have printed

[applause] could I have printed

[applause] could I have printed
something that isn't true?

something that isn't true?

something that isn't true?
>> Ronnie Chang, everybody.

>> Ronnie Chang, everybody.

>> Ronnie Chang, everybody.
>> [music]