All language subtitles for My Family, Series 2, 10 Tis Pity 720p WEB-DL HEVC x265 BONE

PHONE RINGS

Ben, the phone.

Susan, the phone.

Ben, the phone!

Do you know what bloody time it is?
Oh, it's your mother.

Tell her I'm not here.

It's 5am in the morning.
Where else are you likely to be?

Just tell her I'm out.
Where, a rave?

You'll pay for this.

Hi, Mum.

Yes, that was Ben.

Yes, he's still a dentist.

Yes, we're still together.

I assure you, we're very happy. I'm
not bloody happy! What do you want?

Our address?!

It's the same as it's been
for the last ten years.

It's not my fault you haven't come
to visit. ..OK, but...

Yes, but...

Oh, Ben wants to talk to you. No, no!

Oh, all right. Goodbye.

Why would I want to talk to her?
I say it to get her off the phone.

What was it this time, other than to
wake me? She wants to invite us to
a get-together. Oh, good - a party!

No, her funeral. She's dying again.
She's been dying for 20 years. She
still hasn't delivered the goods.

She's trying to trick me into
visiting her, the manipulative cow.

Can you imagine living
with somebody like that?

Take that back!

I didn't say anything.
You were thinking it.

Honestly, Ben! I don't control.

I suggest, I guide, I coax.

Ben, wake up! What?
It's your mother on the phone.

I'm not going to visit her. I refuse
to play the pawn in her twisted game.

I'll get one of the kids to go.

Are we out of cereal? Yeah.

Are you going to eat that?

Are we out of bread?

It's on the list as well. How about
I eat the list? You can have a
boiled egg. I don't want boiled egg!

I'll have boiled egg.
I'm a growing boy.

Yeah, why don't we build you
a trough?

Put trough on the list. Don't be
melodramatic. I'm not, I'm starving.

I hate this family!
That's being melodramatic.

Our children's problems
are important. What's wrong?

Someone's used my herbal peach
shampoo and I've run out.

Right, well, we'll just put that
on the list, too.

Problem solved. No, it's not. They'll
keep using it until I kill them.

No coffee for Janey. I'm going
to smell everyone's hair. Stay.

I'll sort this out. Now, sit.

Now, roll over.

You stink! I'm sporting
a carefully cultivated scent
of beer, smoke and Twiglets.

What's it called - eau de colon?
Good one, that.

Michael, your hair looks
shiny and full-bodied today.

I had to. The other shampoo dries
my scalp. Using mine will kill you!

All right, Janey. I'll give you
some money to go and buy six bottles.

Can I get some Chanel body lotion?
There's a sale on at Selfridge's.

What's the catch? No catch, but
could you get me some facial scrub?

OK. And visit your grandmother.
What?! No way!

It'll only take a few minutes. You
can kill two birds with one stone.

It'll take more than a stone to kill
that woman. Ben! YOU hardly see her!

Her image is embossed on my brain.

Why does it have to be me?

I went last time she was dying.
I'll go next time.

And what if she really IS dying?
Then I win.

Not funny. Your grandmother
won't be around for ever. The deal
with the devil fell through, then?

When did YOU last see my mother?
Ready for school?
Will I drop you off?

Not dressed like that.
What do you mean?

I'm standing for school election,
I can't afford embarrassments.
Can you put on a tie?

How about I drive past
and throw you out?

We'd no idea you were standing
for office. That's exciting. Early
polls indicate I'm leading. Really?

That's my boy! Latest in a long line
of Harpers to champion the underdog.

That's why I'm standing
as a Conservative.

You can't be standing as a Tory!
Why not?

What have you got
against persecuted minorities?
This is a Labour household.

Right, follow the crowd.
Baa-aaa! Baa-aa!

Go to your room. You're sending me
to my room because I'm a Tory?

Yes.

See you later, Mum.
I'm late for school.

Pinko!

Once again, as I lie here dying,
your mother deems it unnecessary to
visit and sends one of her minions.

Lovely to see you, too, Grandma.
Not that I'm ever disappointed
to see you, Janey.

Are you sure vodka martinis
are good in your condition?

A martini is a good thing
in any condition.

Can I have one? I don't think
your mother would approve.

But she's not here, is she? But
I want you to do something for me.

Now, promise?

OK. When you see your mum,
tell her I was coughing up blood.

That might warrant a visit.

I'll see what I can do. I can throw
in a broken hip, too. Good girl.

Tell me, how is young Michael?
Oh, fine.

And how is the idiot?
Nick's fine too.

No, I mean your father. Oh, this is
Wedgwood. It must've cost a bit.

You always make me think
I'm on the Antique Road Show.

What does this "M" mean? Last time
Michael was here, he marked all
the items he wanted after I died.

He's marked everything.

It took him all day. He got
writer's cramp, the poor dear.
That's really selfish!

Would you like to borrow a pen?

Yes, please.

Thanks.

Oh, wait! That is for your mother.

It's nice. What's it worth?

It was Great-Grandma's favourite
piece. She passed it on to me,
I'm passing it on to my daughter,

and some day, if she's not too busy,
your mother will pass it on to you.

Did Great-Grandma get it from her
mum? No, from a French diplomat who
said she was the love of his life.

Was she? She was the love
of quite a few lives.

So she was a bit of a heartbreaker?

That's to be expected in her line of
work. Was she some kind of actress?

She was a performer, of sorts.
A singer?

She ran the classiest brothel
in the West End.

Are we talking about
a house of ill repute?

Oh, no, it was very popular.
Great-Grandma was a tart?

Good heavens, no!
She was a prostitute.

Mmm! Something smells good!
Am I in the right house?

Careful. I'm armed with a whisk
and I'm not afraid to use it.

You're home early. Yeah. I had a few
cancellations so I think I could...
possibly fit you in, Mrs Harper.

I'm preparing dinner.
We'll order takeaway.

The kids will be home soon.
We'll change the locks. Then
I've run out of reasons. Take me!

I'm afraid to ask what's for dinner.

Change the locks tomorrow.

You'd never see such
sordid behaviour in a Conservative
household. Still a Tory, are you?

Yes. I'm sorry, Michael,
you're no longer my favourite son.

Oh, God! It's come to this, has it?

Just in time, boys. I need a taste
tester for my sweet-and-sour sauce.

Well?

You got the sour part.

How did your speech go?

the first step to reclaiming
Britain from an incompetent
Labour government. Ha! Ben.

I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows
the future of Britain depends on
the working man, which means Labour.

Ha! Michael. I'm sorry, Mum.
Dad's living in some fantasy land
built on a foundation of propaganda.

- Ha!
- Nick!

Nothing,
I just felt like saying "Ha!"

I've had the most fascinating time.
I thought you went to see my mother.

I did. She's not as boring
as you think. Were you drinking?

Just enough to take the edge off.
I was meant to tell you something...

Oh, yes. Grandma's got the plague
and lost her arms. It's ridiculous!

She thinks I'll come running
because she feels old and alone.
All she needs is a violin.

How will she play it with no arms?

I had a good time talking with her.
We talked about loads of things -
school, the weather, Great-Grandma.

Oh, yes. Your great-grandmother
was quite a socialite.

No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

Pass the ketchup.

Sh-She was... She was...what?
Sorry, who told you this?

Grandma.
Janey, Mother probably meant cooker.

Your great-grandmother
was a superb chef, like me.

Is it true? Your great-grandmother
happened to be a social hostess.

Something wrong with your food?
Yes, but that's beside the point.

When you say "social hostess",
what you really mean is... I believe
you understand me correctly.

Look, I've made my food into a face.

I can't wait to tell Maxine. No,
this could ruin my political career!

It was 80 years ago! We still don't
want it spreading around. It's the
only cool thing about this family.

Are you forgetting the Harper side
of the family? Yeah, the dull side.

Don't confuse dull with average.
Average, boring, whatever.

If average is the worst
people call you, you're OK.
Spoken like a true Harper.

With the Harpers, what you see
is what you get. Tough luck, Mum.

What's wrong? Huh? Nothing.

What could possibly be wrong?
Oh, yeah, let me think.

I've recently discovered I've got a
Tory and a prostitute in the family.

Why didn't you tell me
about your grandmother? I did.
I said she ran a bed and breakfast.

You forgot to mention
every room came with a complimentary
shower cap and a riding crop.

Oh, for God's sake!
So I skipped a few details. You...!

What else don't I know about you?

I'm really a man.

Susan, on our wedding day,
we took vows to love, cherish
and not to keep secrets.

I've no secrets. How do I know? Next
you'll say your mother's a vampire!
Which would explain a lot of things.

OK, all right,
I do have another secret.

Sometimes I fake it.

That's not funny.

Honestly, Ben! Why get so worked up?
After all, you always go on about
the dignity of the working people.

I'm proud of my grandmother. She was
a successful businesswoman who stood
up for what she believed in. Yeah.

She stood up, she lay down,
she knelt... Say what you want,

but at least my side of the family
were more lively than your side.
A handkerchief salesman(!)

A tie salesman, actually. There's
more to haberdashery than you think.

Like what? Like...

See? They never did anything.
The motto on your family crest
should read "Mediocrity or death".

Better than "For a good time, call."

Now we'll see
who has the exciting family.

Hi, Dad. Wanna beer? Yeah, thanks.

We've run out,
you'd better get some more.

What are you doing? Photos
of the Harper side of the family.

Who's the cute girl
in the sailor suit?!

That's me.

You were hot!

Get off.

Yeah, behind me, that's the shop.

Huh, the shop.

For four generations, we had the
fifth-biggest haberdashery in Derby.

Wow.

Why are these photos all the same?

They're not the same. Look at this.

In this one,
your Uncle Harold is wearing a tie
in the traditional Windsor knot.

And in this one,
he's wearing the Cavendish.

Oh, look at this, the joker
of the family - Uncle Charlie.

He looks just like Uncle Harold.
No, he's not. He's wearing the
reverse Platsborough. Can't you see?

Ha-ha-ha! Did you guys do socks?

Yeah, yeah.
We did Ascots and Burlingtons...

You're taking the piss, aren't you?

I mean, come on, Dad! Look at them.

I thought YOU were dull.

Excuse me,
the Harper family are not dull.

Do you know
that your great-grandfather
almost had a knot named after him?

The Harper knot. Where normally the
rabbit goes round the tree, through
the hole and round the tree again,

the Harper knot,
the rabbit goes round the tree,
through the hole, up the tree again,

meets another rabbit coming the
other way. Oh, it was all the rage.

Until Alderman Jenkins choked to
death on his wedding day and, um...

Yep. Everyone knew it was
the devilled eggs, but, oh, no, the
local wags blamed it on the knot.

Unforgiving business, haberdashery.

Sorry, Dad.

Did you say something
after the Harpers' knot?

Then my grandfather expanded and
moved on from ties and handkerchiefs
into gentlemen's knick-knacks.

Oh, yeah. I mean, hairbrushes
were a very big item at the time.

Mr Winslow...

SNORING

I haven't given him any yet.
Evidently, I've bored him to death.

You'd better check his pulse.

What happened? Since you nodded off,
Mr Harper has covered the highlights

of four generations of his family.
I must have been out a long time.

Mmm, about a minute.

Maybe Susan was right. Maybe
it's in my blood, I can't help it.

I am just another member of
the faceless, nameless Harper clan.

Pish! You've devoted your life
to giving patients
strong, healthy teeth.

When you've gone, you'll leave behind
a legacy of wonderful smiles.

It's pathetic, isn't it? Are you
religious, Mr Harper? In what sense?

Do you believe in God...
a higher power?

I have faith that someone,
somewhere, is punishing me

and it may as well be God.

I believe we're all special in God's
eyes. He smiles down upon us all.

In my case, he seems to be laughing,
doesn't he?

Well? Who is it? Who spoke?
My eyesight isn't what it was.

Oh, stop it, you know it's me. An
intruder! My purse is on the kitchen
table. Take it, but don't hurt me.

Good enough for me. Susan!

So your eyesight's getting better?

I just wanted to say, since you
ARE here, why don't you sit down?

No, thank you.
Please, just sit down.

No.

In other words, you won't sit down
simply because I've told you to.

If I sit down, that means you win.

You're not still playing that game!
You're not a teenager any more.

I win.

It's a joke. Oh, right. Ha-ha(!)

So, why did you tell Janey
about Grandma?

I thought you believed in honesty
with your children, progressive
parenting. Give it a rest!

You never ask my advice about
anything. You give it anyway.

Martini? Thank you.
You drink too much.

It was nice to see Janey, but
I think she looked a little gaunt.

I wouldn't worry. It's probably just
the heroin. Very much like Michael.

Come to think of it,
I haven't seen him in weeks.

But you know, we progressive parents
just like to see how things pan out.

Why can't you answer a civilised
question? I will when you ask me one.

How is the idiot?

If you're referring to my eldest
son, Nick, he's doing very well
and we're very proud of him.

There isn't enough drink in the
world, dear. Much as I'm enjoying
this mother-daughter quality time,

you still haven't said why you talked
about Grandma without consulting me.
Did I?

Oh, cut it out! You did it
because you knew I'd be so annoyed
I'd come straight over.

And did it work?!
All right, you win!

So why is it so important to see me?

It isn't. You can go now.
I just wanted to see
if I still had the touch.

How long's this jelly been
in the fridge?

I think it's soup, Nick.

Oh, don't you look precious?

Get off, I'm practising
for my debate. So, Mr Harper,
what's your position on drugs?

If elected, I'll devote every
resource possible to help educate
students of the dangers of drug use.

Very good answer, Michael. Yes...
if you wanna get slaughtered.

Remember, it's all about spin.
Ask me. We all know
your position on drugs.

Come on, go with me. Mr Harper,
what's your position on drugs?

I will not comment on
the vicious rumours of my opponent's
frequent use of recreational drugs.

There are no rumours. There are now.

The point of debating is to answer
questions directly and honestly, not
tarnish your opponent's reputation.

I thought you wanted to win. Yes,
fair and square. But you're a Tory.

Hello, Dad. Dad, how was your day?

Dull, forgettable,
like the rest of the Harper family.

Don't sell the Harpers short, Dad.
This country needs solid, decent,
hard-working citizens like you.

Ye-es. From one of my debate
notecards regarding the little man.

On behalf of little men everywhere,
thank you. You are a significant cog
in that well-oiled machine, England.

Shut up!

I think the little man gets your
point. No, he's right. I am a cog.
Yeah, spare part, really.

I mean, if a bus hits me today,
what will my obituary say?

Ben Harper, didn't look both ways.

No, I've got to do something,
say something, make a statement.

Something that says the Harpers were
here. Something my grandchildren's
grandchildren will talk about.

Like when you got a hazelnut stuck
up your nose. No, something else.

I could pull a few strings and get
you a bench in the park. What for?

It was a very big hazelnut.

Because people who donate a bench
get a plaque with their name on it.

Yeah, that's not bad.
Hey, how come all of a sudden
you're so connected?

I'm in politics. One well-placed
phone call, I could have you killed.

It's always the same with her.
Nothing's changed. She's still
playing the master puppeteer.

But I don't want to talk about it.
Good.

Just having tea with her
is like negotiating a minefield.
Glad we're not talking about it.

One false step and, kaboom! Susan,
do you mind? I'm trying to find
a park for the Harper family bench.

You don't need one. Why not? You've
a prostitute, I'll have a bench.

Why not just build a monument to
yourself? Mmm... No, too expensive.

What do you think I should put on
the plaque? How about, "Me, me, me."

No, it's not about me, it's about
the family. It says, "We were here
and we refused to be walked over."

Yes, and now you'll be crapped on
by pigeons.

Mum, we're almost out of cereal.

What can I say?
People in this house are pigs.

Hey. How was your debate?

Miserable. The first question
they asked was, "Is it true you have
a prostitute in the family?"

It's such a shame that politics has
degenerated into personal attacks.

Isn't it, just? I hope you questioned
your opponent's sexuality.

No, I took the moral high ground
and said the prostitute rumour was
promulgated by communist lefties.

I challenged the accuser to stand up
and show themselves. Well done!

Then Janey stood up.
What did you say? What could I say?
I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.

Oh, Michael, I'm very proud of you.

I said I was adopted.

All right, Gran?

Oh, God!

Mum said you're lonely, so I'm all
yours for the evening. Please, no!

Wow! Oh, yeah, and she had a message
for you. What was it, um...?

I can't remember. ..Oh, yeah - she
wins. I don't know what that means.

Wow! Is this Wedgwood?

Ooh!

Sorry! No...

Hello!

Very good.
I'm glad your enjoying MY bench.

It's my bench. Sod off!

No, despite your eloquence, sir,
it's MY bench. My bench -
Ben Harper, see? That's me.

Yes, donated by me to the good,
hard-working people of London

in recognition of four generations
of diligent haberdashers who would
have otherwise been forgotten. God!

Not another loony!

Take us in it. Cheese!
Let's have a nice, big flash.

What are you doing here?
Depends how much money you've got.

Oh, no. I'm taking a picture of
my bench. See? My bench. Ben Harper.

Sorry, it's me. So you're
the bloke who put the bench here.
So it's our mystery benefactor.

We don't get much chance to sit in
our line of work. Look, move out.

This is our spot. It's a good
location near the ice-cream stand.

Chubby men tip better.

Look, how much will it cost me
to get you to move on for a while?

For an hour or the whole night?
Just her or the two of us? Oh, fine.

Forget it. Don't haggle.
Here's 50 quid for both of you
for as long as it takes.

Aren't we the frisky one, Grandad?

Where's Michael? Upstairs,
working on his resignation speech.

Is Dad OK? He hasn't said anything
all morning. He just keeps staring.

He's fine. Not just anyone gets their
picture in the paper. At least he's
something for the Harper scrapbook.

- He blinked.
- Ben, it's not that bad.

Really?

I'm being carted off
by a baby policeman,

surrounded by a bunch
of strumpets. Ha!

What could be worse?

Oh, please!

It's grainy and not a good likeness
at all. No-one can tell it's you.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hi, Mum.

Yes, it's him.