All language subtitles for My Family, Series 2, 03 Parisian Beauty 720p@ WEB-DL HEVC x265 BONE

Nine.

I was led to believe
you opened at 9.00 sharp.

And I was led to believe
you've been dead 50 years.

I don't understand.

No, neither do I.
My name's... Hilliard.

The employment agency sent me over

for the assistant position. Sorry.
That position has been filled.
No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

It can't be. According to employment
agency parlance, you're a DP5.

Difficult person, fifth level. You
have an asterisk beside your name.

I'm going to boot your asterisk
out that door in three seconds.
Are you firing me?

Firing you? I've not even hired you.
I'm not going to hire you.

It's because I'm short, isn't it?
It's because
you're dressed as Hitler.

Ah, there's a dress code?
Yes. I'm afraid there is.

And usually tongue studs, hot pants
and Third Reich uniforms

are generally considered
inappropriate for a dental surgery.

No, I understand. Do you have
casual dress Fridays? What?

No, we have an exit door.
So goodbye!

You can still make that plane
for Paraguay.

What if I remove the hat?
What if you removed yourself?

The jackboots? I just wear them for
height. It's not the boots or the
hat, it's the totality - it's you!

Because I'm short!
You shall hear from my solicitor.

Fascist!

Midget!

Urgh! Don't even tell me what it is.

It's a bouillabaisse casserole
ragout melange. To make your French
exchange friend feel at home.

She's not a friend, she's my
ticket to Paris. So you better dump
that before you scare her off.

She could be my friend... And maybe
so much more - if she's fit.

No chance.
Sylvie's used to French guys.
They're much more sophisticated.

I'm "sofiscated".
God, that's hot. What is it?

Giant snails. Crunchy!

Gross! You're supposed to take them
out of their shells first.

No, Michael. When you cook them
whole, the boiling liquid
makes the shells just come away.

Aren't you thinking of tomatoes?

You know, Sylvie's coming over
to learn about English culture,
isn't she?

So she obviously won't want to eat
the same food her own mother makes.

And she obviously won't get it
here. Got any more of that?
Could do with a toothpick, maybe.

No. Finish cleaning your room,
so Michael can sleep in there
and Sylvie can sleep in his room.

My room? Sylvie can stay in my room.

We can't expect Sylvie to stay
in your room. Oh, we can!

I'm not sleeping in that pit.
It's barbaric, like being punished
for a murder I didn't commit.

It's all right, Mikey, take my room.
I don't need it any more.
I'm part of a science experiment.

That explains it. No, I volunteered
for a sleep deprivation project
from someone at Kings.

Every day I don't sleep,
they pay me �5. If I don't sleep
for a year I'll have made �1,825.

That's ridiculous!

After three nights,
you start seeing giant cockroaches
crawling all over you.

In your room,
that happens after three minutes.

Janey, you better go to the airport.
Stupid Brian's here.

I thought you were going to ring
first. I did. On the doorbell.

Mmm, that smells nice, Mrs G!

Nick, get cleaning now. Love to,
but I've got to take a nap.

I thought
you were going without sleep? Damn!

Janey, go. I don't want
to keep her waiting at the airport.

Don't flap. It's not about Sylvie -
it's about me.

She spends time here, I spend time
in Paris and get to meet guys.
Wicked. Can I come?

Let's go. What? To Paris?
To pick up Sylvie. Sylvie?

No, er, it's Brian, actually.

Sylvie's going to stay here and we're
going to Paris to meet guys... Ah...

Go away.

Hello! Hello. How are you?

Good. Yep. I had a crappy day.
Really? So did I. Mmm...

Well, that's that over with.
What's going on?

Sylvie's coming tonight.
Janey's French exchange.

Oh, right. The Eurojaney! Good God,
two teenage girls in the same house.

It'll be fun.
Yeah, for Sylvie's parents.

Ben, help me get things ready.

Burn the house down and leave?
Just leave me here, Susan.

I want to sit down, relax and
unwind. You're right, you're right.

OK, you've had your sit-down -
now come on, chop-chop.

When we've finished cleaning, I've
arranged some French entertainment.

Oh, baby, yeah!

Down, boy.

I've rented a film to put us in
the right mood for French visitors...

Last Tango In Paris? Gigi.

Oh, no! Not bloody Gigi again?

Yes, bloody Gigi again!
It's about a young French woman.

So's Emmanuelle,
but we're not watching that.

CHEERY MUSIC FROM "Gigi"

Better informed now
about the daily struggle

of youth in the decaying urban
wastelands of 21st-century France?

Shut up. It's timeless.
It's endless. The songs are good.

I Remember It Well? I remember it
all too bloody well after 22 times.

It's about dirty old men anyway...

How dare you talk about
Maurice Chevalier like that? What?
Thank Heavens For Little Girls!

Ben, you're missing the point.
It's about life's transitions.

I don't like life's transitions.
In my case,
they only transit from bad to worse.

I want my life to stay at bad
for a while.

Maybe you're uncomfortable
with little girls getting bigger
every day.

No, only the song.
Then, you're just being difficult.

I'm being difficult? Not only do you
insist on me watching this drivel,

but you want me to enjoy it.
You're a pleasure fascist.

Is it unreasonable to want to share
my favourite film with you?

Yes. No, it isn't.
You have to like it. I don't like
any of your favourite films.

You said you liked
The Enigma Of Kaspar Hauser.

That was our first date.
That's before I knew you were easy.

In other words,
our whole marriage has been a sham?

No, not the whole marriage,
just the crappy film part.
And the bit about wanting kids.

You don't even try to be compatible
any more.

Neither do you.
I say I like football.

You do not - you say you hate it.

Well, nobody likes football.
People just pretend that they do.

What - 100 million people
in the stands, fibbing,

all of them doing the Mexican fib?

DOOR CLOSES
They're here - pretend we're happy.

It's easier to pretend I like Gigi.
Shh!

Mum, Dad, this is Sylvie. Sylvie,
these are the parents. Enchantee.

Hello. Hello.

Thank you for having me.
And this is Michael.

Je suis enchante de faire
votre connaissance, Sylvie.

Moi aussi.

And I am
Nico Jean Paul Luc Pierre Harper.

I do not speak English too good.

It's all right -
you'll fit in fine around here.

And where's my kiss?

You must be starving. I'll whip
up some good old English food.

It's OK. Brian took us to eat.
You made that up, didn't you?

Oh, he's very sweet.
French boys don't do that.

We stopped for some authentic
French food on the way home.

Yes, the shake and the Big Mac. OK.

OK, but you don't know what you're
missing. Yeah, WE do!

Welcome to the pleasuredome.

You know, you never hang out in here
any more.

I'm not off the antibiotics yet.

Oh! OK,
here are some of your essentials.

Here's the fire extinguisher -
very important.

Here's a towel.

Oh, and if you wake up in the night
and the bed seems to be spinning,
don't worry, you're just drunk.

I thought you were supposed
to tidy up. That didn't need doing.

Right now - pay attention.

There's a lot of valuables in here,
so be careful. Is this a bird's
nest? I said be careful!

Now, in case of emergencies,
use the window...

or the saucepan under the bed.

What else? Oh, yeah.
This is very, very important.

Never, ever open this wardrobe.

Why not? I can't remember.
But I opened it once years ago
and it was not pleasant.

Well, goodbye, old chum.
It was nice knowing you.

Look, Nick,
if you like your room that much...
Not the room, I was talking to you.

She's lovely, isn't she? Who?

Who? I obviously don't mean Janey.
Sylvie, of course.

She smiles a lot, says little.

Maybe we should make her
a permanent exchange.

She's very pretty.
Really? I hadn't really noticed.

Maurice Chevalier would have noticed.

Maybe. But I'm not an old lech...

Now, let me read.

# For leetle girls get bigger
every day... #

Well, grow up, then.

I'm annoying you, aren't I?
I mean, more than I'm trying to.

Maybe we're not compatible. I want
to read, you want me to thump you.

Fine, you're right,
we have nothing in common.

Yes, we do!

Unless you want to tell me
he's the love child of the fling
you had with the village idiot.

This staying awake is really tiring.

It's only been ten hours.
What are you doing, anyway?

I'm altering my circadian rhythm.
What? ..He's what? The experiment.

I'm resetting my body clock
so it runs indefinitely. Just think
how much more I can get done.

You don't do anything.
I didn't have enough time before.

Oh, look another one! When are we
going to get that turnstile put in?

I'm not going back in there.
I can't sleep in that hellhole.

There's food all over the floor
and I saw something move.

Not mice? No, that's the food.

Mmm, I adore English food.
It is called what?

Tandoori chicken masala - takeaway.

English is a musical language, no?

Yeah. Takeaway's my favourite lyric.

You're so funny. Really?

"Aperitif?"
"No, thanks, I've got my own."

I love English men.
Ah. I'm not really French, you know.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.
No, no-one else does either!

Oh, I forget your gift, Mrs Harper.

I got this for you in Harrods.

For having me.

But this is exquisite.
You really shouldn't have.

Merci beaucoup.

Puke time. Dad, can I have a word?

"No"? I haven't said anything yet.
Let's keep it that way, shall we?

It's not about money.
Not about money!

Come on, Michael, dishes.

- Oh, no, I'll do it.
- And I'll help. Naturellement.

Naturellement!

Come on, Dad, you must have noticed.
Well, she is a bit... tactile.

No, she's a crawler. I don't trust
her. Look, you've just met her.

What would you think if I bought Mum
an expensive present?

That you're up to something. There
you are. That was over the top.
A chocolate orange would do.

I'd like a chocolate orange.

She's just sucking up to my family,
she's trying to steal you all
away from me.

That's because she doesn't know us.

LAUGHTER FROM KITCHEN

Why don't you go and join in the fun
and do the washing-up?

I'm fed-up, not completely insane.
It could set a dangerous precedent.

Oh, my God...!

Pip-pip, old bean!

I'll take my tea on the verandah.

She wants English,
she'll get English.

I think the sleep deprivation's
kicked in. How can you tell?

Would you be so kind as to point me
in the direction
of the good-looking one.

Sod off! Toodle-oo!

So, Pater, you old cove...

Yes, Nicholas, you young wazzock.

D'you think this'll do the trick?

Mmm, it got rid of Janey.
No, to impress Sylvie.

I think she prefers
the mature sort of male.

Oh. I know who you mean.

What - you've noticed?
Yeah, Michael.

But it's not over until it's over.

I think
you've either got it or you ain't...

and you ain't. And that better
be tobacco you're smoking.

What ho, Sylvie. What?

It's an English greeting.

I'm English, you know.

All over.

I don't understand.

You don't have to.

Take a pew, old girl.
I'm just enjoying my pipe.

Is Michael OK? He soon settled in.

Once I'd prised his fingers
off the doorframe.

Janey's not too keen on Sylvie,
is she?

Mmm, seems that way.

Anyway - 12 more days to go.
Wake me up when it's over.

I want this to work. I want Nick to
work, but I don't obsess about it.

Look, if Janey improves her French,
she's a dead cert for university.

She doesn't like Sylvie.
Tomorrow you can take them out
together so they can bond.

I know, you do it.
You've got Saturday off. I haven't.
What could be better?

Having my genitals
fed slowly through a mangle.

Thanks. I was wondering
what to do for your birthday.

Susan, I, er...

I don't think it would be a good
idea for me to spend more than the
minimum amount of time with Sylvie

and, er, I just don't think you
ought to put me in that position.

Why not? Well,
it's a bit painful for me, Susan,
and it must be for you too,

but it's quite obvious that, er...

Sylvie's got a huge crush on me.

Well, I'm glad you can laugh.

I'm glad you can make me laugh.

Maybe we're compatible after all.
I wasn't expecting this response.

Sorry, it's the best I can do.
That is so hilarious.

Is it? Is it hilarious
that I'm still considered attractive?

Not that I want teenage girls
to find me attractive, of course...

I think you've watched Gigi
once too often.

Yeah, 22 times too bloody often!
Whose fault is that?

I thought you didn't like
dirty old men. I don't.
But obviously Sylvie does...

No...

no.

You know what this reminds me of?
When you thought your dental
assistant had the hots for you.

Thought?! She only gave me
long sultry looks...

She had a lazy eye. Yeah.

You think I'm being ridiculous,
don't you? I do. I'm sorry.

No, it's good.

I'm pleased because I just want
to be proved wrong about this.

Look, it's late. You're overtired.

I'll take them
on my National Gallery tour.

You can stay here - unmolested.

I'm not against all molestation,
you know,
under the right circumstances.

Ooh, Monsieur!
You are so very naughty!

That's not funny, Susan.

Urgh! God! He's turned into Nick...!

Michael, what happened in there?

No-one must ever know.

Two Nicks... Scary.

It's OK - don't panic. Maybe one
will rise up and destroy the other.

I must see you. What?

Alone. When your wife is not there.
Morning.

What happened to your face?
Mmm? Oh, that? Pipe accident.

Occupational hazard
of being an Englishman.

I can't see you alone.
But you must. Later.

Hello again.
Please may I phone to Paris?

- Of course. Over there.
- Thank you.

Sylvie put me out last night.

You went into her room?
I was on fire. That's no excuse.

She's our guest. Now stop it.

Allo, oui. C'est moi... Ca va.
Quoi? Oui.

Ah, si, si... Oui, oui...
Il est mignon... Oui!

Filet mignon? I knew it.
She's missing French food.

No, Mum. She said, "Il est mignon",
meaning, "He's cute."

She liked the National Gallery
because it was close
to the Virgin Megastore,

and the Tower of London because it
was near McDonalds. Janey didn't like
anything, especially Sylvie.

Tomorrow it's your turn.
No, tomorrow's Sunday and, er...
And you're not working.

What could be better? Susan, look, do
I have to humiliate myself further?

Fun though that always is, no.

I'm not falling for any more
Lolita nonsense.

It's just an excuse
for shirking your parental duties.

I wish it was,
but we can't ignore this.

The evidence is there.
What evidence? You heard her say
someone was "mignon".

It's not you - rest assured.

Today, I managed to take Sylvie
all over Chelsea without her
accosting a single pensioner.

Susan, would you just listen to me?

Look, she laughs at all my jokes.
She doesn't speak English.

Susan, stop it.
I mean, I can't help it, OK?

Humour is a known aphrodisiac.
Women go weak over funny men.

That's funny ha-ha,
not funny strange.

Susan, er...

listen...

Sylvie wants to have sex with me.

Why?

I just can't talk to you any more.
I'm sorry.

DOOR OPENS

Night, Dad. Night, Mike.

Michael has just gone into your room
without a gun held to his head.

Must have found my stash of videos.

Oh! Dad, can we have a talk?

You know, a real talk.

Man to man, father to son...

What - Earth to Pluto?
Yeah, that kind of thing.

Yeah, yeah, go on.

You know Sylvie?

Sylvie? Oh, no, not really. Vaguely.
I've noticed something about her.

Have you?
Oh, I haven't noticed anything...

It's not really working out, is it -
me and her?

You and her?
No, no, Nick, it's not working out.

Do you think it's because I don't
sleep and roam from room to room?

Maybe she thinks I'm one
of the undead. Don't we all?

Well, maybe there are other reasons
too, Nick,

indefinable reasons which says
nobody's to blame, you know.

Ah, I think I can hear you.
This is a good time. No?

Yes. You're right - no.

Oh, please...

You?!

So this is the indefinable reason?

No, Nick, it isn't.

Oh, well! Dad, you old dark horse!

No, It's not like that...
Ah, well, the better man won.

OK, I am the better man,
but I haven't won anything.

I won't tell the old girl. That's
not very loyal to your mother.
Look who's talking!

Mr Harper...

Er, look, Nick,
this isn't what it looks like, OK?

It's not what it looks like. I'm
going in there to sort things out.

Yeah, sure you are.

Go on - this might be your last
chance. At sorting things out?

If you like.

Hi... Come in.

I can't. Why?

I'm stuck.
Stuck? I don't understand.

No, neither do I.
But there you are...

I'll be quick. I promise.
Oh, God, will you?

I want to show you something...

Do you mind
if I look from here? I've got
a little circulation problem.

I can always keep one leg on
the landing. It's airier out here.

One leg is 'airier
than the other one?

Poor you. Anyway...

..you like?

Oh, my, yeah...

No, no, look...
I like, yes, I like, but...

What about your wife? No,
she will not like this, not one bit.

Look, Sylvie... Sylvie...

You're 17 and... I'm not.

So?

Look, Sylvie, I have a wife...

a very powerful wife...

and, er...

I love her and she loves me
and, er, she trusts me...

Yes. And she would look pretty
in this, no?

You bought this for Susan?
Yes, for Mrs Harper, of course.

Oh!

Ben, you did not think...?

No, no. I didn't think...

I'm... no...

I'm sorry, so sorry. I'm sorry...

But you are like 73 years old...!

Yes...

Yes, that's right, yeah.

Gonna have to do a bit of work
on those numbers, I think.

You are sad now?
No, I'm really relieved.

Very relieved.

OK. No offence... No offence.
OK, fine, thanks.

OK...

Sylvie...? Yes?

When you...
when you were on the phone
and you said someone was mignon...

Mignon? Ah - I remember, mignon!
Don't worry - it was not you!

Phew!

It's obvious Sylvie thinks
I've got a really fantastic family.

And that upsets you? Well, it makes
me think I must have missed
something all these years... Aw!

Because I think you're all such
a bunch of complete losers!

It's late. I'm tired. Out!

Want a cup of tea?

That'll be nice.
Will you make me one too?

Oh, Ben, have you seen
the lovely negligee Sylvie got me?

Oh, but you have, haven't you?
Do you think it suits me, Ben?

Pulled any fit young girlies lately,
Dad?

Is there no end to my humiliation?
Don't be silly. It's way too soon.

OK, OK. Who's going to have
the next dig? Me. Mignon!

What's everyone laughing at?
They're laughing at me.

Oh, right. I get it.

Hello, Brian.

Hi...

Who do you think you're looking at?

Il est mine, you two-faced tart!
Girl fight!

Girl chase! Yeah!
Girl chase! Girl chase!

What a dead loss
this fortnight's been.

The two of them fought
the whole time,

I don't think
Sylvie's English improved

and now we're not even going to get
rid of Janey for two weeks in Paris.

Ah, bless him.
He's chasing cats again.

I wonder what he's dreaming about.

Girl fight!

Merde!
Qu'est-ce que tu fais la, cretin?

Vous m'emmerdez tous, vous etes
des salauds et des cochons!

At least she's improved her French.

Translation, Michael. Believe me,
Dad, you don't want to know!