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00:00:03,363 --> 00:00:05,255
This programme contains
some strong language.
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00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,623
This story's about a wonderful night
with a baby, a manger
3
00:00:07,623 --> 00:00:08,839
and a bright, shining light,
4
00:00:08,839 --> 00:00:10,503
when Mary and Joseph
arrived in Nazareth
5
00:00:10,503 --> 00:00:12,295
and Jesus, our Lord,
took his first breath.
6
00:00:12,295 --> 00:00:14,087
CHILDREN SING SILENT NIGHT
Where's yours?
7
00:00:14,087 --> 00:00:16,775
King Herod - in front of the Viking.
8
00:00:16,775 --> 00:00:20,043
He looks like Hugh Hefner.
Yes! That's who it is.
9
00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,191
Ssh!
10
00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:22,803
You really smell of booze, Meg,
11
00:00:22,803 --> 00:00:24,903
you smell like the carpet
at Wetherspoon's.
12
00:00:24,903 --> 00:00:28,103
I got taken out by some clients
for a worky, boozy, brunchy -
13
00:00:28,103 --> 00:00:32,199
mainly boozy - booze-up brunch.
I love Christmas corporates!
14
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:36,487
Guys, please pipe down!
I'm trying to watch.
15
00:00:36,487 --> 00:00:39,303
Spoiler alert,
Joseph's not the father.
16
00:00:39,303 --> 00:00:41,671
BABY CRIES
17
00:00:41,671 --> 00:00:43,335
Sorry. Sorry.
18
00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,767
What's up with you? Early menopause?
19
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:48,775
I promised my girls
I'd wear my Christmas jumper.
20
00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:52,807
It's like a wet T-shirt competition
underneath here.
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00:00:52,807 --> 00:01:00,167
HE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT
22
00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:04,455
Goodness! He's very good, isn't he?
Well, yeah. That's Mr Washbourne.
23
00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:09,963
Eh?He used to be in the band
Toploader before he became a TA.
24
00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:14,055
He's got a tattoo of an eagle
on his thigh.
25
00:01:14,055 --> 00:01:39,243
I follow him on Facebook.
26
00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:41,447
Wasn't that fab?
27
00:01:41,447 --> 00:01:43,943
Well done, Year 6!
28
00:01:43,943 --> 00:01:45,735
Who's up for an encore?
29
00:01:45,735 --> 00:01:47,911
Hell, yeah! Whoo!
30
00:01:47,911 --> 00:01:59,047
HE PLAYS JOY TO THE WORLD
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00:01:59,047 --> 00:02:02,183
Manus was great, wasn't he,
as Harry Potter?
32
00:02:02,183 --> 00:02:04,807
He was an orphan time-travelling
schoolboy narrator, Anne.
33
00:02:04,807 --> 00:02:06,343
I don't remember that bit
in the Bible.
34
00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,263
Mr Barrett wrote the part
especially for him.
35
00:02:08,263 --> 00:02:10,247
I think there could be
a future for him in acting.
36
00:02:10,247 --> 00:02:13,255
He's just got that confidence,
you know. Not the annoying kind.
37
00:02:13,255 --> 00:02:17,043
Guys, guys, guys, quick Q!
Has anyone heard of Mein Kraft?
38
00:02:17,043 --> 00:02:19,847
My girls are asking for it
for Christmas.ALL:Yes.
39
00:02:19,847 --> 00:02:22,471
It's Minecraft, Kevin.Yeah,
that's what I said, Mein Kraft.
40
00:02:22,471 --> 00:02:25,563
Minecraft, not Mein Kraft. It's not
German - Hitler didn't write it.
41
00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,975
My Charlie's obsessed with it.
I don't know why.
42
00:02:27,975 --> 00:02:30,407
It's just building stuff,
it's educational.
43
00:02:30,407 --> 00:02:32,403
Charlie wants to be an architect
because of it,
44
00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:35,527
or a potion maker -
he hasn't decided yet.Oh, great.
45
00:02:35,527 --> 00:02:37,703
Well, obviously,
I'm going to play it all first
46
00:02:37,703 --> 00:02:40,203
to make sure there's no misogyny
or casual drug references.
47
00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:43,463
You know you can't play
all of Minecraft, yeah?Hm?
48
00:02:43,463 --> 00:02:46,923
Never mind. What's the plan, pub?
I need a booze boost.
49
00:02:46,923 --> 00:02:49,735
Guys, I thought
we were going to the Living Nativity
50
00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:51,243
as an end-of-term treat.
51
00:02:51,243 --> 00:02:52,487
Mm...Nah.
52
00:02:52,487 --> 00:02:57,863
There's a mulled wine stall?
Ooh! I love a mulled wine!
53
00:02:57,863 --> 00:03:07,591
Come on!
54
00:03:07,591 --> 00:03:09,767
I don't know about you
but, any time I see a big crowd,
55
00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:11,431
it makes me think
of a terrorist attack.
56
00:03:11,431 --> 00:03:13,287
And a happy Christmas to you too,
Anne.
57
00:03:13,287 --> 00:03:16,103
Was there this much of a queue at
the original nativity, do you think?
58
00:03:16,103 --> 00:03:19,751
I don't know. Ask Amanda. I'm pretty
sure she was there.Very funny, Liz!
59
00:03:19,751 --> 00:03:23,591
Hey, I heard there's going to be
a rabbit you can pat.One rabbit?
60
00:03:23,591 --> 00:03:27,687
One rabbit for all these kids
going in and out? Jesus Christ!
61
00:03:27,687 --> 00:03:29,927
How many pats can one rabbit take?
62
00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:31,923
Er, 200.Eh?
63
00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:34,983
Roughly speaking,
200 pats or 15 minutes' worth
64
00:03:34,983 --> 00:03:38,183
of heavy patting
is a rabbit's limit.
65
00:03:38,183 --> 00:03:40,487
Do you think Anne patted
a rabbit to death?
66
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,791
Yeah, that's why
she had to leave Ireland.
67
00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:45,963
Oh, guys, before I forget -
Christmas Eve, 7pm,
68
00:03:45,963 --> 00:03:48,103
I'm having a little
festive gathering chez moi.
69
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:51,123
I've only got
one stiffy invite left.
70
00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:55,271
Actually, it's officially for
Meggie.Oh, thank you!There you go.
71
00:03:55,271 --> 00:03:56,615
It's got your name on it there.
72
00:03:56,615 --> 00:03:58,983
The rest of you just
take down the deets, yeah?
73
00:03:58,983 --> 00:04:02,247
MAN:Next family, please.
Charming!Come on!
74
00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:05,703
Give us a look at your stiffy, then.
"Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies.
75
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:09,543
"Dress code - tinsel and tiaras.
Bring a gift for Evil Santa.
76
00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:12,295
"Real champagne 6-7,
Cava thereafter."
77
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,407
I'm not going to
her anal Christmas drinkies
78
00:04:14,407 --> 00:04:17,095
if she's not giving me a stiffy.
Who has a party on Christmas Eve?
79
00:04:17,095 --> 00:04:19,591
The night before Christmas
and you're cooking and cleaning,
80
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:21,127
making up the beds, folding towels -
81
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,687
your big towels, your small towels,
your hand towels...
82
00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:26,375
Are Paul's parents staying over?
Yes, yes, yes, they are.
83
00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:29,403
The rest of his family arrive on
Boxing Day, so both days are awful.
84
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,495
I mean, basically,
I'm a Christmas servant.
85
00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:33,123
Well, Christmas isn't Christmas
86
00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:34,923
without a bit of family politics,
is it?
87
00:04:34,923 --> 00:04:38,163
Who's going to have the last sprout?
Why did you pull my cracker?
88
00:04:38,163 --> 00:04:41,415
Who's going to clean up after
Jill's grandad's used the toilet?
89
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,807
I'm taxiing over to Jill's mum's
very early on Christmas morning
90
00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:48,903
with the turkey, potatoes,
cauliflower cheese, spiced beef,
91
00:04:48,903 --> 00:04:52,323
pigs in blankets, the ham,
cheese board - the full caboodle.
92
00:04:52,323 --> 00:04:54,855
Then basically all I have to do is
head over and serve it.
93
00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,775
And wash up.What does Jill do?
94
00:04:56,775 --> 00:05:00,295
She fills a bowl with Quality
Street - best bit of the day.
95
00:05:00,295 --> 00:05:02,535
Lee's got the kids this year,
so that's that.
96
00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,007
Christmas can get fucked.
97
00:05:04,007 --> 00:05:07,463
Is Sam the shepherd not coming
down to worship at your manger?
98
00:05:07,463 --> 00:05:10,855
Guys, heads up -
not a real reindeer.
99
00:05:10,855 --> 00:05:14,311
I've been to Lapland.
It's at best a Muntjac.
100
00:05:14,311 --> 00:05:17,127
At worst,
an Alsatian with a strap-on.
101
00:05:17,127 --> 00:05:23,719
JULIA LAUGHS
102
00:05:23,719 --> 00:05:40,743
PHONE RINGS
103
00:05:40,743 --> 00:05:44,043
Jesus! Who puts a quarter
of an onion in the fridge?
104
00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,119
We brought some bits and pieces
from our fridge
105
00:05:46,119 --> 00:06:01,031
that would have gone off -
thought they might be of use.
106
00:06:01,031 --> 00:06:05,895
PHONE RINGS
107
00:06:05,895 --> 00:06:09,415
What?I've been in this queue
for nearly 25 minutes.Ah!
108
00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:12,615
What absolute shit are you
going to panic buy me this year?
109
00:06:12,615 --> 00:06:19,975
Another apron that says, "Bitch,
I'm the secret ingredient"?No...
110
00:06:19,975 --> 00:06:23,623
Hey, can you just ask Dad
if Mum needs a new epilady?
111
00:06:23,623 --> 00:06:25,803
My God! Why can't you?
112
00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:32,711
You know he never answers his phone.
113
00:06:32,711 --> 00:06:35,403
Geoff!Geoff!Geoff!
114
00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:37,447
LOUDER: Geoff!
115
00:06:37,447 --> 00:06:41,287
Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?What?
116
00:06:41,287 --> 00:06:43,975
LOUDER: Does Elizabeth
need a new epilady?
117
00:06:43,975 --> 00:06:48,391
Do you need a new epilady,
Elizabeth?No.No.No.
118
00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:52,615
Shit! OK, OK, um, what about
a Michael Kors clutch?
119
00:06:52,615 --> 00:06:54,983
Or a massive suitcase?
120
00:06:54,983 --> 00:06:58,923
Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape
and scissors?
121
00:06:58,923 --> 00:07:00,963
Right, yes, fine.
122
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,623
You don't need to worry
about wrapping paper -
123
00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:09,483
we recycled all ours from last year.
124
00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:14,823
Um... Are we eating today?Hey?
125
00:07:14,823 --> 00:07:17,895
It's Christmas Eve, Geoff!
126
00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:20,647
Nobody eats on...
There's food everywhere!
127
00:07:20,647 --> 00:07:22,695
Just peel a satsuma, crack a nut.
128
00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:27,047
Tuck into a quarter of an onion,
you coffin-dodging old shit!Julia?
129
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:35,943
Could you pop the kettle on?
I left the cups on the counter.
130
00:07:35,943 --> 00:07:39,655
PHONE RINGS
131
00:07:39,655 --> 00:07:40,743
What?
132
00:07:40,743 --> 00:07:46,247
Would you like an Antony Worrall
Thompson salt pig signed by him?No.
133
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:49,447
OK, what about Jaeger sockettes?
Ted Baker sunglasses?
134
00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,175
Julia, where are all the towels?
135
00:07:51,175 --> 00:07:54,375
I can only find the crispy ones
you use for the dogs.
136
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,167
It's like drying myself
on a Weetabix.
137
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:57,319
OK, well, give me a minute.
138
00:07:57,319 --> 00:08:00,583
I'll just pop down to Harrods and
purchase you a cashmere bath sheet.
139
00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,863
Oh, Julia!
140
00:08:01,863 --> 00:08:06,343
No, because I live to serve and I
just have all this to do, all this!
141
00:08:06,343 --> 00:08:09,243
If you just give me
nine hours to spirit up Christmas,
142
00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:11,591
and then I can
dust off my towel loom
143
00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:15,123
and weave you one from the hair
from a baby's arsehole!
144
00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,711
All right, Julia.
145
00:08:16,711 --> 00:08:46,023
I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm?
146
00:08:46,023 --> 00:08:50,055
OK, guys,
I'm just popping out to kill myself!
147
00:08:50,055 --> 00:08:51,975
I would put my head in the oven,
148
00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:56,163
but there's a turkey the size
of a chubby toddler in there.
149
00:08:56,163 --> 00:09:00,295
See ya!
150
00:09:00,295 --> 00:09:04,135
Is my tea ready, Julia?
151
00:09:04,135 --> 00:09:06,375
Can't you just tether
some reindeer to the front
152
00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:08,295
and drag your van to London?
153
00:09:08,295 --> 00:09:10,563
Yeah, it's hard to get
reindeer roadside recovery
154
00:09:10,563 --> 00:09:12,647
at the best of times,
let alone on Christmas Eve.
155
00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:16,231
You got my bloody hopes up.
Well, look, if it's any consolation,
156
00:09:16,231 --> 00:09:18,727
it looks like I'll be spending
my Christmas Day in a lay-by.
157
00:09:18,727 --> 00:09:21,863
KNOCKING
Hold on.
158
00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:24,999
JULIA:Lizzie! Lizzie!
159
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,855
I'll call you back.
160
00:09:26,855 --> 00:09:28,007
Yo!
161
00:09:28,007 --> 00:09:31,463
So I've run away from home so that
we can go to Amanda's anal party.
162
00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:35,815
Oh, no, no!Yes. Please!No!Please!
No, I'm not in the mood!
163
00:09:35,815 --> 00:09:38,823
Sam's not coming now,
so I'm just going to start wallowing
164
00:09:38,823 --> 00:09:41,831
in my own shitty Shitmas without
the kids and watch Hereditary again.
165
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,135
Please, Lizzie!No!I just really...
166
00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:47,463
I want to go somewhere where I don't
have to tidy up or pay! Please!
167
00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:50,215
If you're a good girl, I'll give you
a big snog under the mistletoe.
168
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:55,207
PHONES CHIME
169
00:09:55,207 --> 00:09:59,111
JULIA CHUCKLES
170
00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:02,567
I hate you! All right.
171
00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,575
It took me hours to build up
my Minecraft Homestead.
172
00:10:05,575 --> 00:10:09,543
I had, like, a room for my horse,
I had a couple of cows,
173
00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:12,743
I had a waterfall,
then your Charlie joined the party,
174
00:10:12,743 --> 00:10:14,983
I showed him round,
and he just went nuts
175
00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:17,927
and set fire to the annexe
I'd made for the pigs,
176
00:10:17,927 --> 00:10:20,043
so I went to his place
and did the same.
177
00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:23,047
Oh, put it away, Kev!
You're not eight!
178
00:10:23,047 --> 00:10:25,863
Oh, dear!
179
00:10:25,863 --> 00:10:27,655
Do you think it's a Banksy?
180
00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:30,023
How disappointing!
181
00:10:30,023 --> 00:10:33,543
Who would do something so nasty?
182
00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:34,823
Was it you?
183
00:10:34,823 --> 00:10:38,919
I wouldn't use that font!
184
00:10:38,919 --> 00:10:50,183
Right, come on. We're going to
miss all the real champagne.
185
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:54,983
Mm!
186
00:10:54,983 --> 00:10:58,055
Oh! Welcome, welcome!
Shoes off, please.
187
00:10:58,055 --> 00:11:01,895
Oh, I have a fungal infection.
Merry Christmas.
188
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,519
Gosh, Amanda,
this is absolutely stunning!Yeah.
189
00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,723
It's actually
for my Higa Tiga website shoot.
190
00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:09,483
Everything with a price tag is from
my shop, and for sale.
191
00:11:09,483 --> 00:11:12,263
Oh, my God!
That is absolutely mahoosive!
192
00:11:12,263 --> 00:11:15,527
Was that gifted
by the people of Norway?
193
00:11:15,527 --> 00:11:16,935
No, actually, no.
194
00:11:16,935 --> 00:11:19,495
Now,
if you have been to my dos before,
195
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,483
you will know
I have a strict schedule.
196
00:11:21,483 --> 00:11:24,615
Evil Santa's at seven followed
by carols by scented candlelight.
197
00:11:24,615 --> 00:11:27,879
Anne is manning the bar, there is a
patio area outside for mulled wine.
198
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,735
Please, no dark drinks
inside the house.
199
00:11:29,735 --> 00:11:31,335
Otherwise, kick back,
have fun, guys!
200
00:11:31,335 --> 00:11:33,575
PHONE CHIMES
201
00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:36,603
Oh, my goodness! Those little sods!
202
00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:38,439
They've kidnapped my llamas!
203
00:11:38,439 --> 00:11:42,279
It's the pussy posse! And Kevin!
204
00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:43,687
And Kevin!
205
00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:45,363
Minecraft.Oh.
206
00:11:45,363 --> 00:11:46,923
Can you believe all this shit?
207
00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:48,743
I mean, who has a Christmas hippo?
208
00:11:48,743 --> 00:11:52,263
That hippo completely sums up
why I fucking hate Christmas.
209
00:11:52,263 --> 00:11:56,295
Pornstar Martini, Pornstar Martini?
Why is it called a Pornstar Martini?
210
00:11:56,295 --> 00:11:58,727
Because it relaxes your anus.
Oh, God!Mmm!
211
00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:00,199
BELL RINGS
212
00:12:00,199 --> 00:12:04,615
Evil Santa time!
213
00:12:04,615 --> 00:12:08,647
OK. Sh-sh-sh! Everyone! OK.
214
00:12:08,647 --> 00:12:11,883
So, FYI, this is like a really fun
take on Secret Santa -
215
00:12:11,883 --> 00:12:15,175
you get to swap your pressies
if you don't like them,
216
00:12:15,175 --> 00:12:17,543
whether the other person
wants to or not.
217
00:12:17,543 --> 00:12:22,343
Ouch! OK, so, has everyone
put their pressies in?No.
218
00:12:22,343 --> 00:12:25,803
No-one told me about Evil Santa.
Well, it was on the invite, Liz.
219
00:12:25,803 --> 00:12:27,975
I didn't get an invite.OK.
220
00:12:27,975 --> 00:12:32,455
I guess, just watch,
but please don't try and join in.
221
00:12:32,455 --> 00:12:35,463
OK.
222
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:39,367
Bad luck if you get picked first.
223
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,207
Oh, that's me. Oh, well.
224
00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:49,735
What's it going to be?
225
00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:50,887
Oh!
226
00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:53,403
Oh, what's that?
227
00:12:53,403 --> 00:12:55,111
Oh!
228
00:12:55,111 --> 00:12:57,927
A candle from Higa Tiga.
229
00:12:57,927 --> 00:13:00,295
Love it! Great. That worked out.
230
00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:04,647
I'm thrilled. OK, who is next?
Who's it going to be?
231
00:13:04,647 --> 00:13:06,123
Anne.Oh!
232
00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:08,103
Come on, Anne!
233
00:13:08,103 --> 00:13:10,855
Have a look. Come on!
234
00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:15,847
Move it, move it!
What is it? What is it?
235
00:13:15,847 --> 00:13:17,383
What is that?Oh, that's me.
236
00:13:17,383 --> 00:13:23,335
It's quarter of an onion -
my in-laws brought it.
237
00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:26,163
Don't you dare swap that
with my lovely candle!
238
00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:28,327
No.OK. Yeah.
239
00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:31,399
Well, yeah, I need a bit of onion
for my bread sauce anyway, so...
240
00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:35,239
That's the spirit, Anne!
Off you go! OK. Who's next?
241
00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:38,283
Let's have a look.
Ooh! Julia, come along!
242
00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:42,363
Here we go! Come on.
243
00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:46,375
SHE LAUGHS
244
00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:49,767
Lemon squeezer.It's Lakeland.Hey?
245
00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,943
Don't you dare try
and swap that for my lovely candle.
246
00:13:51,943 --> 00:13:54,183
Well, obviously, I will.
I don't want a lemon squeezer.
247
00:13:54,183 --> 00:13:55,923
It's Lakeland.No!Yes.
248
00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:59,303
Julia, it's my party.But you
said... You said that's the point.
249
00:13:59,303 --> 00:14:01,683
It's from my shop.You outlined
at the beginning that...
250
00:14:01,683 --> 00:14:04,563
Sweetheart, you're embarrassing us.
The clue's in the name, isn't it?
251
00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:09,095
Julia!So the candle.Stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!
252
00:14:09,095 --> 00:14:11,163
Thank you.
253
00:14:11,163 --> 00:14:14,883
Thanks, Anne. OK. Ah! Kevin!
254
00:14:14,883 --> 00:14:16,923
Where is Kevin? Kevin?
255
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,591
I'll go and get him. Kevin?
256
00:14:19,591 --> 00:14:22,727
OK, I'll pop his name back in. Er...
257
00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:28,615
Claire!Yeah.Come on, Claire!
258
00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:32,403
DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH PLAYS
259
00:14:32,403 --> 00:14:38,087
Fucking hell!
260
00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:41,799
Oh, hey. Don't let me drink
too much.How much is too much?
261
00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:44,103
Well, I need to stay
on the right side of hungover
262
00:14:44,103 --> 00:14:45,575
to deal with tomorrow.Really?
263
00:14:45,575 --> 00:14:47,403
God, I thought your Christmas
would be perfect.
264
00:14:47,403 --> 00:14:51,847
No, cos we always have
Bill's ex-wife, Vivian, over.
265
00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:54,663
She's driving up
from Salisbury tonight.Gosh!
266
00:14:54,663 --> 00:14:57,031
That sounds very grown-up
and functional.
267
00:14:57,031 --> 00:15:00,963
No, it's shit
because I stole her husband!
268
00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:04,007
Bill left her for me.
269
00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:06,375
And she's
so fucking gracious about it.
270
00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:10,087
I'd rather deal with a hangover
than Vivian's kind, forgiving face.
271
00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:14,055
OK, well, here's to your shitty
functional Christmas, then.
272
00:15:14,055 --> 00:15:16,615
Get that down you. Chin-chin, dear!
273
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:21,483
Kevin?
274
00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:25,203
This house is sapping any joy
I had left in my soul.
275
00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,687
You know the toilet plays
Ding Dong Merrily On High?
276
00:15:27,687 --> 00:15:30,183
Did you leave a yule log in it?
I mean, who's it all for?
277
00:15:30,183 --> 00:15:32,423
It's for us so that we all know
that Amanda's winning.
278
00:15:32,423 --> 00:15:33,723
It makes you want to volunteer
279
00:15:33,723 --> 00:15:35,687
at a homeless shelter or something,
doesn't it?
280
00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:37,927
I definitely would
if I didn't have the kids.
281
00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:39,527
And I was a nicer person.
282
00:15:39,527 --> 00:15:40,743
And I could be arsed.
283
00:15:40,743 --> 00:15:43,623
Right, who wants to have a snoop
through Amanda's Christmas drawers?
284
00:15:43,623 --> 00:15:47,463
Ooh! Yeah.
285
00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:49,083
Ooh!
286
00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:50,535
Wow!
287
00:15:50,535 --> 00:15:53,351
I didn't know Amanda was
related to Barbara Cartland.Oh!
288
00:15:53,351 --> 00:15:56,487
This is just the kind of bedroom
I imagined losing my virginity in.
289
00:15:56,487 --> 00:15:59,687
Rather than the fourth storey
of an NCP car park?
290
00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:03,015
Actually, it was a tent
at the Reading Festival.
291
00:16:03,015 --> 00:16:04,323
I don't want to slut shame,
292
00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:06,727
but nothing says slag
like mistletoe in a bedroom.
293
00:16:06,727 --> 00:16:10,503
Oh, my God! Kevin,
what are you doing down there?!
294
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,847
Mein Kraft!
295
00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:13,255
I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid.
296
00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,431
Filthy little boy!Ho, ho, ho!
297
00:16:15,431 --> 00:16:18,695
Who wants a festive goblet
of mulled wine?
298
00:16:18,695 --> 00:16:20,807
Meg, are you mad?
Did you miss the memo?What?
299
00:16:20,807 --> 00:16:22,855
No dark drinks in the house!
300
00:16:22,855 --> 00:16:25,287
Really? Why?The carpet, woman!
Oh, my God!
301
00:16:25,287 --> 00:16:28,443
Who does that? Why has she got
a white carpet?
302
00:16:28,443 --> 00:16:30,535
I hate millimalism! Mizimalism...!
303
00:16:30,535 --> 00:16:32,967
Give it to me.
I'll put it in the en-suite.
304
00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,951
OK, OK, OK, OK, OK.
305
00:16:34,951 --> 00:16:37,127
Ooh!
306
00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:40,903
Careful, Kevin!Oh, God!
307
00:16:40,903 --> 00:16:43,563
ALL: No!
Ooh!
308
00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:44,935
MEG LAUGHS
309
00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:49,223
Oh, my God!
310
00:16:49,223 --> 00:16:50,823
Oh!
311
00:16:50,823 --> 00:16:54,535
Oh, my goodness! Oh, wow!
312
00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,943
Did you see that?Yeah!
313
00:16:55,943 --> 00:17:00,871
You were like a cat, Kevin.
High five!Oh!Ooh!
314
00:17:00,871 --> 00:17:05,479
MEG LAUGHS LOUDLY
315
00:17:05,479 --> 00:17:08,295
Oh, my God, the carpet! Get some
towels! Get some wet towels!
316
00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,175
Wet towels? That will just
spread it.What do you put on blood?
317
00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:13,735
Is it vinegar?Flour, flour.
White wine, white wine.
318
00:17:13,735 --> 00:17:16,487
We're not making a gravy, Kevin!
Get some bicarbonate of soda!
319
00:17:16,487 --> 00:17:19,943
I'll check the kitchen.Get some
toilet tissue. Tissue, tissue!
320
00:17:19,943 --> 00:17:22,887
I'm so sorry, so sorry.Don't you
be sorry, it's Meg's fault.
321
00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:25,803
I'm sorry!
322
00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:28,839
It's like a crime scene.
I think you've broken my nose.
323
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,103
I think I'm going to be sick. I've
definitely pissed myself.Got it?
324
00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:35,763
Got it. Right.Give it to me.
325
00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:41,255
Oh!Oh, sh...Dust yourself off,
get it on the carpet.
326
00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:44,283
Get it on the carpet!
327
00:17:44,283 --> 00:17:46,503
Pat, pat, pat! Don't rub! Don't rub!
328
00:17:46,503 --> 00:17:49,127
Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock!
329
00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:50,855
Nothing.
330
00:17:50,855 --> 00:17:54,055
Oh, my God!
331
00:17:54,055 --> 00:17:56,883
Are you taking drugs?
332
00:17:56,883 --> 00:17:59,687
Yes.
333
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:04,999
Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine.
334
00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:07,203
Would you like some?
335
00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,863
I know I seem pretty chill,
and that's because I am,
336
00:18:09,863 --> 00:18:13,127
but there is a time
and a place, guys, OK?
337
00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:15,723
Not cool.
338
00:18:15,723 --> 00:18:23,687
Not cool at all.
339
00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:30,215
And get out of my daughter's
bedroom!OK.Yeah, OK, sorry, yeah.
340
00:18:30,215 --> 00:18:35,655
Oh!
341
00:18:35,655 --> 00:18:39,003
That'll do.Yeah.
342
00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:42,311
# Four calling birds,
three French hens
343
00:18:42,311 --> 00:18:43,975
# Two turtle doves
344
00:18:43,975 --> 00:18:48,775
# And a partridge in a pear tree. #
345
00:18:48,775 --> 00:18:51,463
# You take the partridge,
you take it out the fridge,
346
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,255
# You put in the oven
and you cook it a smidge! #
347
00:18:53,255 --> 00:18:54,363
Here we go.
348
00:18:54,363 --> 00:18:56,403
# Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
349
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,695
# Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh
350
00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:01,127
# Christmas Day is
baby Jesus' birthday
351
00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:02,791
# He lives at the top of the tree
352
00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:03,879
# The Christmas tree... #
353
00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:08,359
OK, OK, and, on that note, thanks
for coming, everyone, home time.
354
00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:12,007
No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to
go home sober.You're not sober.OK.
355
00:19:12,007 --> 00:19:15,527
Do grab a panettone from
the panettone pyramid. Anne, one.
356
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:18,535
Anne, are you walking home with us,
love?No, she's helping me clean up.
357
00:19:18,535 --> 00:19:23,079
No, I have things to do -
I'm doing the bins.One, watch her.
358
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:27,047
OK.Whoopsy!Anne, get the glass.
359
00:19:27,047 --> 00:19:29,287
That's lovely.OK.OK, wonderful.
360
00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:32,615
Good evening.I love you.
That's so sweet.
361
00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:35,303
Thank you!Bye!
362
00:19:35,303 --> 00:19:37,223
Well, that was brilliant!
363
00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:39,207
I feel terrible about the stain.
364
00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:42,791
Everyone back to mine!
It's Christmas Eve, Meg.
365
00:19:42,791 --> 00:19:45,863
Oh, come on, you flaky lightweights,
just one more eggnog!
366
00:19:45,863 --> 00:19:47,783
So I don't have to face Bill's ex.
367
00:19:47,783 --> 00:19:49,831
It's only...
SHE GASPS
368
00:19:49,831 --> 00:19:52,007
Why am I wearing two watches?
369
00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:53,415
What?
370
00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:54,887
No, no, no, no!
371
00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:56,523
Liz, can you call your child
372
00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,343
and tell him to stop
raiding my homestead?
373
00:19:58,343 --> 00:20:00,263
He's going to burn it down
and take all my gold!
374
00:20:00,263 --> 00:20:02,951
What's Charlie doing on Minecraft
at this time of night?
375
00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:06,663
Whoa, whoa. What the bloody hell?
Ooh, that's not cool.
376
00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:09,243
Oh, my God!
Who would do such a thing?
377
00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:12,551
Kevin, we saw it earlier.
What? And we didn't do anything?
378
00:20:12,551 --> 00:20:14,407
You were dicking about
on Mein Kampf.
379
00:20:14,407 --> 00:20:18,055
Wait, wait, wait,
we can't leave it up there -
380
00:20:18,055 --> 00:20:21,319
what if a kid sees it
on Christmas morning?
381
00:20:21,319 --> 00:20:24,071
I don't care, Kevin!
I've got a giblet gravy to make!
382
00:20:24,071 --> 00:20:27,783
No, no.Ugh!I'm all for
free speech, but this is BS.
383
00:20:27,783 --> 00:20:29,447
And-and blasphemy.
384
00:20:29,447 --> 00:20:32,327
What do you want us to do, Kevin?
Find some paint and paint over it?
385
00:20:32,327 --> 00:20:35,911
Exactly.Oh, my God.
It's 9:10, Homebase is shut.
386
00:20:35,911 --> 00:20:40,683
That's just details, Liz.
This is what Christmas is all about!
387
00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:44,807
It's parents all over the world
preserving the magical lies
388
00:20:44,807 --> 00:20:48,483
we tell our kids to keep
the spirit of Christmas alive!
389
00:20:48,483 --> 00:20:55,623
And I...I will not stand here
and let this truth be told.
390
00:20:55,623 --> 00:20:57,287
Fine!
391
00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:58,567
Ugh!
392
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:01,511
OK. OK, fine, Kevin.
393
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:09,895
Where are we going to find
some paint on Christmas Eve?
394
00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,815
Hold on.
Why are there still people here?
395
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:13,563
I thought they were all leaving.
396
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,975
Maybe there's been
an accident or something.
397
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,791
Oh, for God's sake, Kevin.
We've been had.
398
00:21:18,791 --> 00:21:23,463
We've been chucked out of a party
I didn't even want to be at.Right.
399
00:21:23,463 --> 00:21:25,083
SHE KNOCKS
400
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:28,455
We know you're in there,
so open the door.
401
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:32,043
SHE KNOCKS AGAIN
Yoo-hoo!
402
00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:39,527
Jesus Christ! Um, nothing.
I'm-I'm doing the bins.
403
00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:43,239
Hey. Er, their taxis didn't turn up.
404
00:21:43,239 --> 00:21:45,799
Bollocks!
You wanted to thin your party out
405
00:21:45,799 --> 00:21:47,463
but didn't have the balls
to tell us.
406
00:21:47,463 --> 00:21:48,963
This is my party.
407
00:21:48,963 --> 00:21:51,687
If I want to vibe on with
my gal pals, that's my prerogative.
408
00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:54,311
So you lied, you just
kicked us out into the snow.
409
00:21:54,311 --> 00:21:56,763
It's not snowing, Julia.
I think you know what I mean.
410
00:21:56,763 --> 00:21:58,983
Is this really Christmas spirit,
goodwill to all men,
411
00:21:58,983 --> 00:22:00,775
peace on Earth, pa-ruppa-pum-pum?
412
00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:06,023
Shame on you, shame on you
and your one invite between three.
413
00:22:06,023 --> 00:22:07,563
Four.Four.
414
00:22:07,563 --> 00:22:11,591
You can have your big,
showy-offy, Christmassy house.
415
00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,575
Christmas is not about
your bibbles and bobbles,
416
00:22:13,575 --> 00:22:14,763
and your edible wreaths.
417
00:22:14,763 --> 00:22:18,963
It's not edible.
418
00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:22,983
It's about what is in there,
and there's nothing in your there.
419
00:22:22,983 --> 00:22:26,567
You're like an empty husk,
a mince pie with no mince.
420
00:22:26,567 --> 00:22:29,063
You're a dead Christmas
with no heart!
421
00:22:29,063 --> 00:22:30,279
What?
422
00:22:30,279 --> 00:22:31,563
Goodnight, Julia.
423
00:22:31,563 --> 00:22:35,163
Whoa! Let's just roll back.
Roll back.
424
00:22:35,163 --> 00:22:39,495
Somebody has scrawled, um,
"Santa's not real"
425
00:22:39,495 --> 00:22:41,479
on the Living Nativity.
426
00:22:41,479 --> 00:22:43,463
What if a small child saw that?!
427
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,343
Yes. So what we need is a ladder,
some paint...
428
00:22:46,343 --> 00:22:49,735
What was it you said, Julia?
A dead Christmas with no heart?
429
00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:53,063
Um, did I? Um...
430
00:22:53,063 --> 00:22:56,071
And now...you want my help?
431
00:22:56,071 --> 00:22:57,963
No, not me, not me. The children.
432
00:22:57,963 --> 00:23:00,167
They'll be wandering past
that atrocity
433
00:23:00,167 --> 00:23:03,175
that says Santa's not bloody real!
434
00:23:03,175 --> 00:23:07,015
Is that an apology?
435
00:23:07,015 --> 00:23:13,323
If that's what you need, if that's
what you need, then I'm sorry.
436
00:23:13,323 --> 00:23:15,527
How dare you!
437
00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:18,023
My Christmas does have heart.
And, for your information,
438
00:23:18,023 --> 00:23:19,815
this year I wanted it to be
especially special.
439
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:21,863
It is my first time hosting
without Johnny,
440
00:23:21,863 --> 00:23:23,911
and probably the last time
in my lovely house,
441
00:23:23,911 --> 00:23:26,163
so I am so sorry I went to such
a lot of effort for you all
442
00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:28,327
and I hope you're happy
because you have ruined it!
443
00:23:28,327 --> 00:23:29,607
How did we ruin it?
444
00:23:29,607 --> 00:23:34,087
MEG:Tim-ber-r-r-r!
445
00:23:34,087 --> 00:23:35,495
MEG LAUGHS
446
00:23:35,495 --> 00:23:36,843
AMANDA GASPS
447
00:23:36,843 --> 00:23:40,487
Didn't anybody film that?
448
00:23:40,487 --> 00:23:42,407
Well, that's that, then.
449
00:23:42,407 --> 00:23:45,607
No! We can't lecture Amanda
on Christmas spirit
450
00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,883
and not do something about this.
451
00:23:47,883 --> 00:23:52,455
Yeah, you did go a bit over the top
with the whole pa-ruppa-pum-pum.
452
00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:54,567
METALLIC SCRAPING
453
00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:57,447
Oh, my God! Anne, you little beauty.
KNOCKING ON WINDOW
454
00:23:57,447 --> 00:24:01,607
Don't you dare, Anne!
Don't you dare, Anne!
455
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:05,447
Go, go, go!
456
00:24:05,447 --> 00:24:07,495
I am calling your husband!
457
00:24:07,495 --> 00:24:10,823
Right, let's get this Christmas
back on feckin' track.
458
00:24:10,823 --> 00:24:12,963
Where's Meg, the lazy bugger?
459
00:24:12,963 --> 00:24:15,495
Oh, God. I hope she's not gone in
with the donkey.
460
00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:16,923
Can't abide donkeys.
461
00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:19,143
I got bit on a school trip
to Skerries.
462
00:24:19,143 --> 00:24:22,023
I was feeding one a fruit pastille
and it bit me under the nipple.
463
00:24:22,023 --> 00:24:23,175
Ooh, Anne!
464
00:24:23,175 --> 00:24:27,271
The priest lifted up my T-shirt
to check the bruise.
465
00:24:27,271 --> 00:24:31,303
It's ironic, because actually,
Anne is French for donkey.
466
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,823
Why's that ironic, Kevin?Well,
it's interesting, then, it's...
467
00:24:34,823 --> 00:24:36,843
It's just an interesting detail.
468
00:24:36,843 --> 00:24:38,407
I think the interesting detail
469
00:24:38,407 --> 00:24:40,683
is that after a donkey
bit Anne on the nipple,
470
00:24:40,683 --> 00:24:43,563
she got molested by a priest.
471
00:24:43,563 --> 00:24:47,687
Hey, guys, come here
and look at this!
472
00:24:47,687 --> 00:24:50,055
Aww! That's nice and cosy.
473
00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:53,831
God love her.Aww.
474
00:24:53,831 --> 00:24:56,903
Wake the fuck up!
475
00:24:56,903 --> 00:25:05,043
O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL PLAYS
476
00:25:05,043 --> 00:25:09,063
Nothing like the smell of fresh
emulsion to see in Christmas Day.
477
00:25:09,063 --> 00:25:10,683
Still got a toilet to unblock
478
00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:15,207
and three massive bags of potatoes
to peel.
479
00:25:15,207 --> 00:25:19,303
# Sing in exaltation
480
00:25:19,303 --> 00:25:27,815
# Sing, all ye citizens
of heaven above
481
00:25:27,815 --> 00:25:35,523
# Glory to God in the highest
482
00:25:35,523 --> 00:25:39,079
# O come let us adore him
483
00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:40,743
# O come
484
00:25:40,743 --> 00:25:42,535
# O come let us adore him
485
00:25:42,535 --> 00:25:44,327
# O come
486
00:25:44,327 --> 00:25:45,991
# O come let us...
487
00:25:45,991 --> 00:25:49,255
SINGING HIGH MELODY:
# Let us adore him
488
00:25:49,255 --> 00:25:54,247
# Christ the Lord! #
489
00:25:54,247 --> 00:25:56,615
It's nice of her to turn up
when we've nearly finished.
490
00:25:56,615 --> 00:25:59,883
At the end of the day,
I can forgive you for the negging,
491
00:25:59,883 --> 00:26:02,695
for the petty theft and the
desecration of my penguin tableau -
492
00:26:02,695 --> 00:26:04,423
I know that was you, Liz -
493
00:26:04,423 --> 00:26:07,203
but what I can't forgive...
She's seen the carpet.
494
00:26:07,203 --> 00:26:08,455
..is myself,
495
00:26:08,455 --> 00:26:11,847
for not rolling up my sleeves
and saving goddamn Christmas.
496
00:26:11,847 --> 00:26:15,003
Because this isn't about us.
497
00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:22,087
It's about the kids.
498
00:26:22,087 --> 00:26:25,735
Budge up, Anne.
499
00:26:25,735 --> 00:26:28,103
Kev, would you get a photo of this
for my Insta?
500
00:26:28,103 --> 00:26:35,463
SOLO CHORISTER:
# Once in royal David's city
501
00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:44,103
# Stood a lowly cattle shed
502
00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:51,483
# Where a mother laid her baby
503
00:26:51,483 --> 00:27:00,487
# In a manger for his bed
504
00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:08,167
# Mary was that mother mild
505
00:27:08,167 --> 00:27:19,495
# Jesus Christ her little child
506
00:27:19,495 --> 00:27:27,879
CHOIR:# He came down to Earth
from heaven
507
00:27:27,879 --> 00:27:33,963
# Who is God and Lord of all... #
508
00:27:33,963 --> 00:27:37,323
CAR HORN BEEPS
509
00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:46,567
# And his shelter was a stable
510
00:27:46,567 --> 00:27:55,463
# And his cradle was a stall
511
00:27:55,463 --> 00:28:05,063
# With the poor and mean and lowly
512
00:28:05,063 --> 00:28:16,583
# Lived on Earth
our saviour holy... #
513
00:28:16,583 --> 00:28:20,043
I'm sorry I stole your husband,
Vivian.
514
00:28:20,043 --> 00:28:29,191
# We shall see him but in heaven
515
00:28:29,191 --> 00:28:37,923
# Set at God's right hand on high
516
00:28:37,923 --> 00:28:46,599
# When like stars
his children crowned
517
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:51,243
# All in white
518
00:28:51,243 --> 00:29:01,703
# Shall wait around. #
40680
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