All language subtitles for Motherland - S02E05 (2017) WEB.eng

I've put the deposit
down, so we're all set.

You're going to love it.
Got a five-star review on Airbnb.

"Great house as described and much more.

-"Thanks for everything."
-Is that a haiku?

There's an apple tree in the
garden, and there's bees.

Who else is coming?

Well, I invited Amanda
because she's a single mum now,

and I thought she could do with
the support over half-term.

Guys, no mum left behind!

And I think I invited Meg and her lot
when she got me tipsy on Pizza Friday,

but she hasn't confirmed yet.

Well, I'm going to have to
do some work while I'm there.

-That's a shame.
-No, it's a positive, Kevin.

That's the beauty of self-employment.
You can go on a holiday whenever you like,

you just have to lie
to your client about it.

I'm bringing my tent.
Can't afford to pay for an Airbnb.

Oh, no, no, no, you can
still stay in the house.

There's this really
comfy sofa in the lounge,

and there's a weighted blanket.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
I'm sleeping outside with the bees.

-Hi, Anne.
-Hiya.

So...

-Half-term here again.
-Yes!

Any half-term plans?

Just staying loose.

We tried canoe club
last half-term but, er,

Darius was a bit uncomfortable with
the phrase "Eskimo roll", so...

It's a long week, half-term,
when you don't have any plans.

Right. Well, um, I'd better go.

We've rented a cottage in the countryside
if you want to join us.

I'd love to, yes!
Yeah.

You can see by the details that it's going
to be pretty bloody heavenly,

and it's close to all
these wonderful nature trails.

Nature trails? That lead to what?

I don't understand walking
unless there's a pub at the end.

No, I can't do any walking.
I've got an ingrown toenail.

It's started to penetrate the nail
bed, so it can't physically heal,

so they're going to have to dig right down
and cut it out at the root.

Is anyone else wet?

Great news. Johnny's going to come with.
He's really excited.

That's the beauty of our arrangement
because it's in no way acrimonious.

We can just spend time together
as people,

rather than, you know,
the local power couple.

So I've done a bit of research

and neither Sainsbury's, Tesco, Ocado,

Lidl, Aldi, Morrisons,

Budgens or Asda, er, deliver
to where we're staying,

so I thought everybody could be
in charge of bringing something.

Keep it fair. So I made a list.

Julia, booze.

Breakfast-y stuff, Amanda.

I'd actually love to do treaty
bits and prestige items,

your blinis, your sour cream,
your lumpfish caviar.

-Liz, Liz, you can do breakfast.
-Weetabix.

Anne, you can do dried
goodies and vegetables.

And I'll do the
dinner on the first night.

Great. Great.
I'll be doing the meat.

Meg, any news on whether you
can make it?

I was supposed to be
speaking at the Oxford Union

but I'm going to try to wangle
my way out.

If I can finangle it,
I'll bring the beans.

I'm doing dried goods so,
I think that'll include tins.

No, the beans.

The smarties. The vowels.

She's bringing the drugs, Anne!

I just don't see why
you had to cycle, Paul.

It's 102 miles away.

Yeah, which is half the distance I'm going
to have to do on the actual day.

I'm just getting healthy, or would you
rather I died of a heart attack?

No, I'd just rather you ate less bacon

and just around more on a
Saturday and Sunday morning.

I'd like to see you do a triathlon.

Oh, my God. It's running,
swimming and riding a bike.

It's what children spend
all summer holidays doing.

That'd be like me spending my
weekends learning to fly a kite.

Oh, hey, if you stop at a supermarket,
could you get me some aqueous cream?

I'm already chafed, and I
haven't even hit Oxford yet.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to stop at one
nearer the house and do a big shop.

Hold on, I've got a client calling.
I'll see you later, love, yeah?

Julia, it's Karen from Blossom.

-Karen, hi. Lovely...
-Yeah, great talking.

Is this a good moment to catch up, or...

-You can talk?
-Yeah, I'm about to step into my off...

Free to hook up on
Friday? Would that work?

-Friday? I need to check my iCal.
-Great. Shall we do that?

-Could you pop it all in an e-mail?
-I'm doing it now.

-That's not a problem at all.
-Great.

-Well, I will respond ASA...
-Yeah, why don't we...

Sorry, can I just finish a sentence?

-P. ASAP.
-OK. Yeah, well, let's talk then.

-Right, lovely to speak to you.
-Bye, Julia.

Sorry, kids. I just need to
pull over and read an e-mail.

Friday, Friday, Friday.

Oh, feck, I'm having my toenail done.

-I'm hungry.
-Yes, I know.

I know, I know, darling.
I've just got to send one quick message.

Just one... one e-mail,
and then we will be on our... way.

Great. OK. Off we go, tiddly-ho!

Liz, Liz, can you give
me a hand with this pig?

Oh, is that what it is?
A pig coffin?

You see people driving down
motorways with them all the time.

I had no idea they were
full of animal carcasses.

No, no, no, this is the boar
for the Saturday night feast.

I'm doing a pig in a pit.

-Is that like boil in a bag?
-It's an event meal.

It's deceptively simple.

All you need is a whole pig, got.

Some breeze blocks, got.

-Here we are.
-Some banana leaves or substitute.

Some leather gloves,
had them already.

And a 12-20 foot chain.

Right, come on, kids. Oh, Kevin,
you didn't say Jill was coming.

It's perfect.

-Oh, God.
-What?

I've written I can't
make a meeting on Friday

cos I'm going into a
hospice... to a client.

Bloomin' auto correct.

I meant to write I'm going into hospital.

No bars.

OK, guys, guys, guys.

I put the deposit down,
and I'd love to get it back.

I just need to take you
through a few house rules.

So, er, no red wine on the sofa.

No shoes upstairs.

Luckily most of the ornaments have been
nailed down but do be careful.

Oh, yes, yes, don't flush
anything too chunky down the loo.

Do you hear that, Anne?

Why is there only one toilet?
I have IBS.

I need my own toilet.

Kevin, what's the Wi-Fi code?

I'm not sure, but I'll look
as soon as we're settled in.

Some tricky news.

I had a quick scout earlier,

and there's one less
bedroom than I thought.

But Meg hasn't got back
to any of the WhatsApps,

so I'm 99% sure she's not coming.

-Who gets the double?
-Amanda bagsied it.

Amanda bagsied?
When was the bagsying?

-No-one told me about a bagsying window.
-Well, Johnny's coming.

Oh, did I not say?
He can't come now.

It's fine. He got a last minute ticket
to The Lemonheads reunion gig

in Glasgow tomorrow night, so
he's going to make a weekend of it.

Lucky git.

-Fine. We'll just paper, scissor, stone.
-No!

Can we not? I'm just not ready
to sleep in a single bed yet.

It's too raw. Kevin,
this light's not working.

-Kevin, the heat's not coming on.
-Okey dokey.

Well, it's not my house but...

-Kevin, what's happening with the Wi-Fi?
-Just doesn't seem to be any bars.

God's sake, we are in Great Britain.

Voi-fuckin'-la.

You still have to peg it down,
you know, or it'll move.

So what?

Go to sleep in one place,
wake up some place else.

That's the joy of camping, isn't it?

Put that down. You don't
know where it's been.

-It's been on the tree, Anne.
-Yeah, well, I don't trust fruit

that's not from one of the
big three supermarkets, so...

Um, do you want me to leave the
bath water in, Amanda, for your guys?

Oh, you're being serious.
No, thank you.

-I'm just going to let them
chill for a bit. -OK, cool.

It's just that I'm putting mine to bed
now, you know, because it is 8.30.

Yeah. Sure.
Whatever you like.

Why is Amanda not putting her kids to bed?
You know, I want adult time.

I didn't drive 102 miles to spend the
evening with that nine-year-old bell-end.

Just get some wine down
you and they'll disappear.

I haven't got it yet. I didn't
pass a shop on the way in.

What?

Well, I'll pop out now. There'll be
a supermarket round here somewhere.

-Sorry, did someone say there's no wine?
-Yes, I'm going to go out now and get it.

There won't be anywhere open
now, Julia. It's the countryside,

and there are no shops for miles.

-What?!
-Right, kids are in bed.

-I need a drink.
-There's no booze.

What are you fucking talking about?!

Right, here are our choices.

The Golden Child, The
Fisher King, Lorenzo's Oil,

Hot Shots! Part Deux or 9½ Weeks.

I've not seen 9½ Weeks.

What's that about?

She's nine-and-a-half weeks
pregnant, but they're still banging.

-Kevin.
-Right, yeah, sorry.

W, capital W, small L, nine,

N capital, N lower-case, four,

one, capital L, seven, three, J,

small J, capital P, B lower-case,

N capital, T capital.

OK. Got it, thank you.

It's not working, Kevin.

-Well, I don't know what to do, then.
-Well, just read it out again!

W, capital W, small L...

Supper's ready.

I'm just going to go
to bed, actually, Anne.

Guys, will you get in your jim-jams?

But I made a machboos rubyan.

-A what?
-It's Ottolenghi.

It's a Persian dish with
cumin and cardamom,

and then we have a burnt miso
butterscotch with fresh pomegranate.

And then, like, I don't
know how to pronounce it,

but it's basically like a walnut salsa.

-What's the point without wine?
-We have Sprite.

You can't drink Sprite with
machboos rubyan, Anne. Anne.

I might hit the groundsheet myself.

Oh, yes, I think I might actually as well.

They won't read it now, will they?
On a Friday night.

-I'll send it tomorrow.
-Yeah, we can have it in sandwiches.

What?

Why the hell are you all
in bed? It's only 9.30.

We're all a bit plum tuckered,
really, after the drive, and...

-Well, Julia didn't bring any booze, so...
-There's no booze?

Right, I'm going to bed.
Where's our room?

I'll go and get the bags.

Come on, girls.

Honestly, it's absolutely fine.

Sofa's perfect for me.

There's a pubic in the sink!

What are you doing?!

It's half past five.

I'm digging an imu.

It's a Hawaiian word.

It's the name they give
a pit to cook the pig in.

It's going to take about ten hours,

so I need to get a wriggle on if
we're going to have it for supper.

Do you... do you fancy helping?

This is my only bloody
holiday of the year, Kev!

I'm not digging a pig
pit. I'm going back to bed!

-All right?
-Hey.

Oh, my God, have you heard that?

Amanda's been blow-drying
since six o'clock this morning.

How is it possible there
are any hairs left to blow?

I always thought it was a wig.

Oh, thank God for that.

Do you know, this whole thing
is a nightmare, actually, Liz?

I can't get the Wi-Fi to work,
so I still can't send my e-mail.

What's the big bloody deal?!

Because it's a potentially huge
meeting with a massive client, Liz.

That is why, and I've just
sent an e-mail saying to them

that I'm going into a hospice.
They think I'm dying.

Maybe they'll give you the job
cos they think you're terminally ill.

God, I don't want to have to fake
my own death because of a typo.

I faked my own death once.

Only way I could get out
of my TalkTalk contract.

Morning, ladies.

How was everyone's night?

Very good.

You know it's true that if
you do forego alcohol,

you do feel much better
the next morning.

I know what you mean. You're still going
to get some later, though, aren't you?

Straight after breakfast.

Kev!

Kev!

Where's the frying pan?

It's not my house.

I don't know where.

Goodness, it's... it's there, Liz.

Won't be long.

OK, no worries.

Take your time.

You couldn't slide me
under a magazine, Kev?

All right, kids, breakfast!

Oh, look at you, all super glam.

-When's Johnny getting down?
-Oh, did I not say?

He can't make it now.
I know. It's fine.

He got last minute tickets
for The Lemonheads reunion gig

in Glasgow tonight, so he's
going to make a weekend of it.

Lucky git.

-I'm sorry to hear that, babe.
-Why are you sorry?

Babe... It's fine.
I mean, we just do our own thing.

I need to sort my hair out.
I am a mess.

Well, my hair... my hair is a mess.

Nice pig, Kev.

Thank you.

I reckon it's going to take at least
a day to cook a pig that size.

I don't think so.

Says on the internet
ten hours should do it.

Might have been a good idea
to dig down another foot or so

if you're relying on locking in that heat.

I think it's all under control.
Thank you, Bill.

Kevin. Will you come in
and look at your toilet?

It's not my toilet.

And I've really gotta get
on with this pig, Amanda.

This is really setting me back.

I feel like Rahul in the Bake Off
final when that glass jar exploded.

Bet you've dug a few pig
pits in your time, Mandy.

It's Amanda, but, no.

I'm basically practically a vegetarian.

I mean, I'll eat this pig cos
Kevin's gone to a lot of trouble,

and when I go to Cecconi's,
I'll have the veal carpaccio

cos it's genius, but, yeah,
I'm really almost vegan, really.

Your body is your temple.

Stop.

Yeah, a temple that's been
desecrated by two kids.

You should see me naked.

Sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

Morning, Anne.

I can't use that toilet.

I won't use that toilet.

Toilet's unblocked now, Amanda.

Guys, guys, we didn't drive all this
way to have you watch Moana indoors.

Can you get outside and play, please?

Kevin, I don't like people
telling my kids what to do.

No, I was just trying...

The only people who can tell my kids
what to do are me and their father.

-And their teacher.
-And the police, I hope.

Oh, my God! How can there be no Wi-Fi
in the whole of this county?!

I mean, we're not in a Dingley Dell!

I just got everything the little shop had.

So a bottle of Cava, three
dusty bottles of rose,

a litre of Diamond White and...
this is Schnapps or de-icer.

-What's the news on the Wi-Fi, Kevin?
-It's not my house!

-Anne?
-Don't look at me.

OK, guys, pasta twists or bows?
Who wants bows?

Why give them choice? Now you've
got to cook two separate pots

of two different-but-taste-the-same
bloody pastas.

I want my pudding first.

Manus.

OK. Sweetheart, would
you pass that to Manus?

-What?
-Well, if Manus has his pudding first,

they're all going to
want their pudding first.

Well, not necessarily.
Just be firm with your kids, Julia.

Ah, this is the life, eh, people?

God, this is what I always
imagined being a mum would be like.

You know, watching your kids
gambolling round the countryside,

sharing a bottle of rose with my friends.

Life is very, very stressful.

We don't appreciate what we
have, which is nuts, really,

cos I've got everything
I could possibly want.

Apart from bloody Wi-Fi.

Kev, you got a wine cooler?

It's not my house.

Oh, guys!

Guys, no trampoline today.

Manus hurt his arm on the
trampoline yesterday,

so no trampoline for anyone today.

-Well, my kids can go on the trampoline.
-Well, how's that going to work?

Because if Manus sees your kids going on,
he's going to want to go on.

Just need to be firm
with your kid, Amanda.

I want to go on the trampoline!

I want to go on the trampoline!

Oh, thanks, Bill.

-Pleasure.
-Are you cold, Amanda?

-Oh, no.
-No, no, take my jacket.

Thank you. Oh, that's so nice.

Thank you. Thanks, Bill.

Such a nice guy.

Kind of flirty, though.
Don't you think?

He doesn't flirt with me.

Yeah, course, but he's
seriously flirting with me.

A bit awks with his wife here.

So, when we going to
get our nosh, then, Kev?

Well, it took a little longer
to dig than I'd planned but, um,

I got it on the coals at
10am, so hopefully by 8pm,

it should be cooked to perfection.

I'll have a portion of that shepherd's
pieness, Your Highness.

Sod it.

-How you doing?
-Very well, thank you.

You on holiday here, then?

No, I'm an archaeologist.

That's my Neolithic pig pit.

-What's your name?
-Emily Bronte.

-Yours?
-Sam.

They your sheep, then, Sam Shepherd?

They are, yeah.

Don't think I've ever
been on a farm before.

What's that?

That's a cattle grid.

What's that?

-It's a trough.
-God, you're good.

Oh, God, she's not hitting
on the farmhand, is she?

How embarrassing.

Naughty.

Bill, you're going to get me drunk.

-Well, why not?
-Thank you.

Tina Turner, yes, yes!

Next one, next one.

-OK. He's Catholic. He's Catholic.
-Pope!

-The Pope.
-Yes!

I think he's a footballer.

-David Beckham. David Beckham.
-No, no, no.

No, no. He could also be
a Mr Men character.

-He's untidy. He's untidy.
-David Beckham.

I think he plays for Spain or Italy.

-Messi!
-Yes!

OK.

Young woman. Er, young girl.

-Likes school.
-Hannah Montana?

-Time's up.
-Oh, no!

Malala. It's Malala.

Who wrote Messi?
That was... that was a toughie.

Oh, I did. That was me, yeah.
You said it could be anyone, so I...

Right, my turn.

Keep our minds off the hunger.

-You sure you don't want to join our team?
-No.

OK, are we ready? And go.

Oh, OK.

Brexit. Sort of doughy faced,
heavy smoker, bigot.

-Nigel Farage?
-You're not on their team, Kevin.

-Oh, I meant... I meant Boris Johnson.
-We're taking the point.

Right... You've all heard of her.

The Queen.

Kind of. Joke.

You would know her
as an entrepreneur.

Oh, your one off Dragons' Den.

-No.
-Meaden. Deborah Meaden.

No! Guys, listen.

Think taller, slimmer, younger.

I'd say she looks early to mid-thirties.

She's a mother.

Yeah.

No, sorry. Sorry. Go on, go on.

She's really creative.

She's really likeable.

-She's everyone's friend.
-Lorraine Kelly?

-How's that early to mid-thirties, Anne?
-Time's up!

It was me. Obviously.

Wow, who put that in?

That's the last of it.

-Where are you going, cheeky chops?
-Nowhere. Back in a minute.

Kevin, it's almost ten.
This is getting ridiculous.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yes, no, I was
just about to check on the pig now.

I owe you one.

Good to know.

Fancy coming over for
a game of Guess The Twat?

Ah, I can't. I've got to keep a
clear head. It's lambing season.

Oh, well, that's not an excuse
I've heard before. Fair play.

You don't want to come back later,
though, do you, by any chance?

Oh, 'fraid not.

That kind of thing never
really works out for me.

If I come back, I'll just
find out you're really a dick.

Or worse still, I'll come back
and find out I really like you.

Either way, it'll end in tears.

So, pig update.

All looking good, though
it is still a little raw.

Er, but I... I promise you
it will be worth the wait.

We could eat the veg on its
own while we're waiting.

Or Anne, Anne, do you fancy
whipping up another little, um,

um, machyon boochyo,
or, you know...

Oh, Gordon Bennett.

Let's get this party started.

Oh, God, I've been working so hard.

Now bloody bastard
auto-correct has sabotaged

the only opportunity I have.
It doesn't even make sense.

Kev, what gives with the pig, mate?!

We're all wankered because
we've been drinking fire-water

on an empty stomach!

Well, sorry, but it'll
be ready when it's ready.

Mandy, get out your treaty bits.

-We're starving!
-All the prestige items have been eaten.

What?!

I wasn't expecting
to supplement the lack of meat.

Anne just brought a
couple of bags of lentils,

and no-one's pointing any fingers at her.

Shut up. Shut up!

Shut the hell up!

-Are you all right, Kev?
-No, no, I'm not all right!

I can't stand it any more!

I've been turning myself inside out
to make the perfect weekend for you all.

None of you are grateful.

This is my holiday too, and
I've spent my whole time

running around after you lot
like I'm your personal concierge!

I'm trying to do an event meal!

Something... something special!

I'm just... I'm just
trying to make an effort!

We're just hungry, Kevin.

-I'm done. I'm off to bang a shepherd.
-Oh, my God.

What? What's that face for?

What do you think, Liz?

We're in the middle of
dealing with a crisis,

and your response is to have
sex with a farmhand in a tent?

I was actually going
to do it in his caravan.

Desperate.

-What did you say?
-Just said what we're all thinking, Liz.

What do you care who I sleep with?

My kids are asleep,
his sheep are asleep.

Just cos Johnny chose
Evan Dando over you.

Oh, please.

So you end up spending the whole weekend
putting the moves on poor old Bill.

Bill has been flirting with me.

I've practically had to bat him
off, actually, Liz.

It's been quite embarrassing.
Meg, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

OK?

I told Bill to pay you a bit of attention

because I felt sorry for you.
With Johnny not coming,

I asked him to make you feel
a bit special. That's all.

Here's your pig! You selfish bitches!

And Bill!

What have you done to Anne, Kevin?

-Look at her.
-Anne, Anne.

What's wrong?

We'd better get her to hospital.

-Anne?
-We need to take her to the hospital...

-Are you OK?
-I'll come. I'm there. I'll come.

Oh, my God. I'm absolutely
hammered, Kevin.

I can't drive!

-You'll have to drive, Kevin.
-I've only got my provisional licence.

I'm extremely drunk.

We're all wankered, Julia.

Well, who's going to drive?!

How can there not be any signal here?

I mean, what if they need to
call an ambulance or something?

Are you with Anne Flynn?
You can go on through now.

-Hi, Anne.
-Hi.

Poor old you, Anne.
Did they give you something for your IBS?

No, it's... it's not that.

What is it, then?

Oh, turns out I'm five months pregnant.

Oh, my God, Anne! You're joking!

No. Just had a dose
of acute acid reflux, but...

Oh, my God, I've got signal. 4G!

Oh, God, it didn't even send, Kevin!

It didn't even send, Kevin.

It is sitting in the outbox.
Thank God.

Seems a shame leaving a day
early, but I... I should get back

and break the news to Chris.

-Come on, girls.
-Yeah.

Yeah, I've had my fill
of the countryside anyway.

Should get back to Paul as well.

Apparently he's come off his bike at
Bicester village and lost a kneecap.

Hands up who's banged a shepherd?

-That's free wool for the rest of my life.
-I get free wool.

I did a bit of work for the
New Zealand Tourist Board.

Well, that's that, then.

-I re-buried the pig.
-Looks like a shallow grave.

Oh, God.

Hope that doesn't affect
my guest review.

Who cares? We're never going
to be back here anyway.

Come on, kiddies.

Hi! Hello. I'm just driving to
a meeting in Central London.

-Go ahead.
-Oh, I won't keep you, Julia.

Listen, thank you for your e-mail,
and the many caveat e-mails,

but, listen, we're all big fans here,

but I've had a chat with the team,
and, unfortunately,

the contract's not going
to go your way this time.

What?

Yeah.

Even though I'm dying?