All language subtitles for LeDonk&Scor-zay-ze

[projector clicking]

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

[♪]

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

[cheering crowd]

[helicopter whirring]

[man] Donk!

They're after you.
They want you, mate.

-C'mon then, let's do this.
-Let's go, we're all pepped up!

Let's go make
music fuckin' history.

[man laughs]

Oh, yeah...

♪ Desperados...

I've waited me whole life
for this.

Not even frickin' signed.

[radio chatter]

We're ready to rock.
Scor-zay-zee, go first, big man.

-You gonna speak for me?
-No, I'll speak to the crowd.

-Come on.
-[crowd cheering]

[♪]

[Scor-zay-zee]
♪ Rupert Brown

♪ A.K.A Scor-zay-zee

♪ A.K.A Scor-lazy

-♪ Check it
-♪ Rupert Brown

♪ Rupert Brown

♪ It's the man
behind the face mask ♪

♪ Fake moustache
walkin' with a fake bus pass ♪

♪ Sneaky bastard,
Elaster plaster on my glasses ♪

♪ Catch me plastered,
Pissed up ♪

♪ Chantin' backwards,
In the Ford sierra ♪

♪ With leopard-skin seats

♪ My life's like an episode
ofTwin Peaks ♪

♪ I told my girl that beauty's
only skin-deep ♪

♪ Next week she's like

♪ "Yo, Rupert,
can I move in, please?" ♪

♪ My bedroom's just a bunk bed
with no springs ♪

♪ It falls apart every time
the phone rings ♪

♪ My stereo chews tapes
and gives me feedback ♪

♪ I write raps on toilet paper
in a screen mask ♪

♪ They're always telling me
to turn my music down ♪

♪ But they don't know about me,
I'm Rupert Brown ♪

♪ Rupert Brown,
That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo,
That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me
On the street ♪

♪ Just holla me, oi!

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in
The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Herman estate, the place
Where I serve my game ♪

♪ Old people look at me,
Spit and curse my name ♪

♪ Get stopped with
Your own knife ♪

Him in number 5
Got his dick chewed off
one night by his own wife ♪

♪ The milkman always walks
With a hunchback ♪

♪ With about
A thousand kids shouting
"Daddy, come back!" ♪

♪ My next door neighbor's
A nympho, we call her
Pat the trollop ♪

♪ She's a woman but
I'm sure I saw her
Scratch her bollocks ♪

♪ And one day she
chased us ror six miles
With a sick smile ♪

♪ Flicked out
with her tits out ♪

♪ Rupert Brown
That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo,
That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me
on the street,
Just holla me, oi! ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in
The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Rupert Brown,
That's my name ♪

♪ Spittin' sick raps, yo,
That's my game ♪

♪ And if you see me
On the street,
Just holla me, oi! ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm back up in
The studio ♪

♪ Just makin' some noise

♪ Rupert Brown
[echoes]

[Shane]
We'll just go and knock
and just see what happens.

-That's his car.
-[man] Yeah.

[knocking on door]

-Hiya, bud.
-[door creaks]

Raaaaaaah!

-[Shane laughs]
-How you doin', man?

-[Shane] How are you, mate?
-It's not real, mate.

I don't condone that shit.

Just a fake tiger rug, man.
Had fun on the market.

Is this it, then?

There's only about fuckin'
three of you. What's the crack?

I thought there'd be loads
of trucks and people, like,

hangin' around and that,
and buffet trolleys and shit.

[Shane] Oh, you see,
it's a documentary-style,

like I said, it's just like
a documentary...

-A what, mate?
-A documentary crew.

Right. Yeah, I thought it
was like gonna be a big film

and I was wondering why you'd
make a film about me anyway
for the first place.

Yeah, it's not like me other
films where you have, like,

a massive, massive crew
or anything.

-No. Do you wanna
come in then?
-Yeah.

-[man] Donk!
-[Donk] Mark!

[Mark] I'm not dressed, man,
I've not got...

I told you Shane Meadows
was coming round, man.

Look at the state
of that tub.

[Mark] Nah, that's 'cause
the fucking machine packed up.

And that's curry, right?
That's from last night.
I just dropped it,

and I've got
no fucking clothes on
and you're bringing him in.

It's not my problem.

Try your fuckin'-- look at
the state of you, man!

Go and put some clothes on.

Sat there like
a big fuckin' lesbian.

-Pay that bill and all.
-[Shane] What's going on?

[Donk] People walkin'
around my fuckin' house.

[Shane] It's a documentary.
It's not like--

Have you seen
any of my stuff?

Yeah, I seen a couple
of your films, mate, yeah.

So you know my stuff
is like...

-Ah, it's fuckin' great, man.
-It's not like a feature film.

Did you ever see the documentary
I made about the gypsy fighter?

-No, mate.
-'Cause that's
more like this,

where we just
follow somebody round and
we see what they do.

-Right.
-So, like, the idea is,

I think you're
an interesting character

and that the scenes that we get
will come from your life.

-What are you doing?
-Sorry about this.

-Is that a mobile phone?
-He's putting all fucking--

I feel like Donnie Darko, man,

going in to fucking infiltrate
the mafia.

It's crazy.

He's putting all this
shit on me, man.

-Do I have to shave me chest?
-[soundman] You do.

-No.
-Do I have to shave me chest?

[Shane]
[laughing] No!
He's joking.

The thing that fears me
about it, Shane,

is that if
I'm too exposed.

I don't want to like be
too exposed.

If I'm not acting-- I mean,

I can do stupid things
and be crazy for ya,

like in your movies,
like the guys who act
in your films,

I can be fuckin' mad, yeah.

You know,
I can do that very easy
'cause I'm particularly funny.

I just don't want to be exposed
as a meanie,

'cause I know what
can happen in these things is

you can grab hold of them and
cut 'em the way you want 'em,

present 'em on TV,
and if I'm having tantrums--

it happened to
the fuckin' Osbournes.

They just showed
all the tantrums, man.

And I don't want it to be
a series of tantrums

because
I am quite volatile.

As long as you promise to show

all the different sides of
me nature and me character,

and all me different
expressions, then yeah,

let's have a fuckin' riot, man.

[Shane]
Of course I would not--

I mean, you know,
you've seen my films.

-I work with real kids
and off the street--
-Yeah.

I would never exploit anyone.

Obviously, if all you did was
have tantrums--

That's all you could ever do.

You can't make choices and
cut to shit that ain't there,

-but I'll give you
the good stuff and all.
-Yeah.

I'll give you the pieces of me
that are really caring and
tender.

[Shane]
[laughs] Okay.
Yeah, that's brilliant.

Do you want to see
the kitchen, Shane?

It's a bit of a fuckin'--
It's a bit dirty

'cause these shack sacks
have been in it for
the past week.

Hey, I got a take-away
last night. I never used
anything in there.

[Shane] So you didn't
used to live here?

-You actually--
-I lived with me missus,

Olivia, yeah,
we were living together,
man, this was my house

and then I started
renting it out to the students.

And then, um...

I lived with her, you know...

Uh, for six months and then,

I'm back here now 'cause
we've split up.

The plan is that I eliminate
'em all one by one

and get me house back,
you know.

But there's certain rights
that people do have

when they're
renting from you in property,

so I'm just waiting for him
to fucking slip up

so I can kick him on out.

But I've got six months,
haven't I?

Yeah, you got six months,
mate.

[whispers]
I'll fucking knife the cunt.

Scorz!

Scorz...

[knocking]

-Heya, man.
-Who's that?

Shane Meadows,

the famous maker that made
that, um, film you liked.

What, they're filming you?

Yeah, they're filming me,

Yeah, he's doing something
on me now.

All right.

Following me back
on the road, man.

-I'm figuring some lyrics out.
-Take your headphones off!

Be fucking-- Yeah, that's it!
Come on, show some--

I was just figuring
some lyrics out

'cause you said that if we
write a track,

then you'd be able to give it to
that record label.

-Too right, yeah.
-My real name's Dean,

but people call me scorz 'cause
my rap name is Scor-zay-zee.

It's spelled
S-C-O-R-Zed-A-Y-Zed-double E.

And you know, it's got like
a fancy spelling,

but I also-- I'm also called
Scorzilla the gorilla...

But it's like a monster...

-Yeah, you were--
-A rap monster--

-Quite a fuckin' monster--
-Write monstrous raps.

You were very monstrous
at one point.

-Yeah, well,
that was, you know...
-Yeah.

I lost it on the bud
and that.

He lost it on the bud.
Induced paranoia.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-It's all right.

But you know, new pastures--

[Shane] What does it say
on your hat?

Oh, yeah, "Kids needs hugs,
not drugs."

[Shane] Can you bring it
into the camera?

Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, um--

[Shane] Is that something
you've come up with?

-Yeah, it's my motif.
-Yeah,

it's good for the media
to see that.

-It's good for the kids and all.
-You're not a rapper
that raps about--

Should I leave you alone
with him or are you gonna
cut back to me now?

[Shane] Well, we'll be
following you, so obviously,

-if he comes along later--
-I'm just wondering,

it's getting a bit too fucking
focused in here,

I was just wondering if
you wanna bring it back
to me or not, Shane.

[Scorz] I'm just gonna,
like finish up the beats
or something.

Yeah, finish your beats
and, uh, we'll talk later on.

-[Scorz] All right, Donk.
-See you in a bit.

-Later for now, man.
-Nice one, in a bit.

I'm, eh... going 'round
to see her now.

It's a bit of
a tricky situation.

She's got this guy
who keeps going around.

I've nicknamed him "Sonic."
I think his name's Richard

and he keeps going round
and fuckin', um...

staying over,
I suspect, you know,

being her buddy
and all that shit.

[Shane] Is it a friend or...

[Donk] Yeah, he's a friend,
they're just friends.

I think there's something more
going on, man,

but I try not to put
me imagination there.

But, you know,
I thought we'd fuckin' be
together forever, man.

I wanted that to be,

but just wasn't ready
to be a dad, Shane.

She became pregnant...

after one drunken rollicking
I give her.

It was a fucking--
I messed things up, Shane,

because um, when I first heard
she was preggers,

I didn't want her
to have the baby.

-[Shane] Right.
-And, uh,

I tried to ask her
if she would have an abortion

and she weren't having
any of it...

[Shane] Ah, this is the thing
with the roller coaster.

Yeah, so, we were up
Blackpool and I says,

"Just have one last drink
before you quit drink forever,"
you know,

"while you're preggy and
just have one last glass
of vino with your man."

I got her pissed and took her
on the big one.

[indistinct dialog]

Watch these bushes, Shane.

Hey, baby.

[woman] Coming!

Hello, darl-- Oh, hey, mate.

-You doin' all right?
-Yes, I am, man.

-How are you?
-Not bad.

-Good to see you, mate.
-Good to see you, too.

-[Donk] How are you, darling?
-I'm good, thanks.

Really great to see you.

-[Shane] Are we okay
to film in here?
-Yes, of course.

[Shane] We just need you
to sign a form

-to say you've let us use
the house and stuff.
-Okay.

We are only a couple of days
away from the due date.

Yeah, which is why
I've come round.

I just want to make sure
you've got my mobile,

so if anything cracks off,
if we're on high alert,

terror alert,
you can just send me
a fuckin' texter

and I'll be straight down there.

Well, I'll tell you when--
When it happens.

When it's happened.

No, I need to know
before it's happened so
I can be there in the room

for when it comes out
into the world and
breathes its first breath.

Right, well, we've sort of
talked about this but, um,

I-- I, um, Richard's gonna be
my birth partner.

Oh, is he now?
And have you decided--

Have you tried to
discuss this with me at all?

-Darling, should I go?
-[Olivia] You don't have to go.

No, I think you should go,
mate.

I think you should go, actually.

Okay, no worries,
that's fine.

It's all cool, man.
It's all cool.

[Richard] Give us a shout
if you need me, yeah?

Yeah, hands in the air, man.
It's all cool.

I'm not loaded...

with fuckin' destructive
weaponry.

I'm not a suicide bomber.

Fucking-- You're having him
at the birth?

What's all that about?

Well, he's been to all
my classes with me.

-What classes?
-My antenatal classes.

-My NCT classes.
-[Donk] The what?

National Childbirth
Trust classes.

Fuckin' hell, why didn't you
tell me about these classes?

-I'd have come with you.
-Yeah, I did, and you said,

"What a load of shit."

Shane, don't film this bit,
mate.

-[Shane] What?
-Don't film this bit,

'Cause it's weird
having you here,

'cause I'm trying to
talk privately and...

Why did you come here
with cameras, if you--

'Cause I thought it was gonna
be pleasant

but it's starting to turn
a little bit fucking disruptive
now.

-You're being a bit shitty.
-It doesn't have to--

I'm not, I'm not being shitty.
It doesn't have to be nasty.

I'm just telling you, Richard's
gonna be my birth partner.

Right, and you haven't
discussed it with me.

And he's there with the thing
now, filming it, man.

It's a situation that's
pretty sore to me,

so I'd rather you
switched it off.

[Olivia] Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to upset you.

[Shane] So, is this--
This guy is just a friend
or a boyfriend?

He's my boyfriend, Rich is.

Well, you're not doing
shit together.

What-- What--
What do you mean by that?

Well, you're not, like, boy--
as in--

you're obviously sleeping
in separate beds.

No, we're not.

[Donk] Well, If you're not
sleeping in separate beds,

then you obviously, uh,
not getting up to any shit,
are you?

Richard's my boyfriend.
We sleep together.

What do you mean,
"Sleep together"?

It's quite obvious, isn't it?

By what--
what do you mean?

Means we have
a sexual relationship.

What, you mean he puts his...

[Olivia chuckles]

I can't fucking believe this.
Shane, please.

What kind of a man is he?

He's my boyfriend.

Does he have to make love?

Can't you just nosh him
or something?

Jesus Christ, man.

Never heard anything
quite like it.
I wouldn't do that.

If it was some other woman with
someone's baby in me tummy,

I wouldn't put my dick
anywhere near it.

That's disgusting, man.

It's almost verging on
a bit of child sex.

[Olivia] No, it's really not.

Yeah, it's not natural.

And actually,
it's quite useful at this stage
in pregnancy to--

Sometimes,
the sperm can, it's thought,

aggravates the cervix
and can get labor started.

I'll aggravate the cervix.

I'll do all that shit.

I don't want you to.

[Donk] I can just nip round
and do that, man.

No. Thanks, Nicholas,
for the offer, but no.

I'm not Nicholas,
My name ain't Nicholas.

-My name is not Nicholas.
-[Olivia] It is Nicholas.

Yeah, but don't call me
Nicholas in front of Shane

-and Derek and the boys.
-Sorry.

Can't I just be at the birth?

No, I don't want you
at the birth.

-Please?
-I don't want you
at the birth.

I'll phone you when
it's here, okay?

I need-- I need it to be
nice and calm

and I don't think it will be
calm with you there.

You're gonna be an amazing daddy
and you'll be involved.

You'll be the daddy,
of course you will.

But I don't want you there
on that day.

Where do I send flowers then?

-[chuckles]
-I'd planned on

a big, massive
load of flowers for you.

That's very sweet of you.

Do you mind if I have
a cup of tea, please?

[Olivia] You want me
to make you a cup of tea?

Please.

Ah, muchacho.

-[Richard] You all right?
-Muchas gracias.

Put it fuckin' there.

Congratulations,
you're gonna be

the proud fuckin' father
of my child.

You're the dad.
How's it going down there,
all right?

Yeah, it's going great,
actually,

we're talking about
getting back together,

-as it happens.
-[chuckles] Yeah, okay, cool.

Yeah, she can't resist
my sense of humor.

[laughs] Sure.
Yeah, great sense of humor.

Which is what got her
into bed in the first place.

-Was it?
-Yeah.

And after that, when she saw
the size of my stonker,

that was it, mate.
It was rockin'.

The war-- The war was over.
The peace process began.

[laughs]
You're a funny man.

She said yours
was quite tiny.

-Did she?
-Yeah.

-You sure about that?
-Yeah.

Prove it then. Get it out.
Show Shane Meadows.

I'm not getting it out
in front of a camera.

Why not?
What have you got to hide?

You get yours out then.

No problems,
if you do yours first.

[Shane]
I don't wanna see that, really.

-Don't ya?
-[Shane] Not massively, no.

Just watch it, man.
I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to
infiltrate in there and
you probably can't--

You're probably firing
fuckin' blanks

and you're jumpin' in there
with a woman already pregnant

'cause you can't have
kids of your own.

They call people like you
"Nonces."

-Really?
-Yeah.

So just be careful, mate,
and remember, I'll always--

If you're with Olivia,
I'll always be in your life.

-I'm happy about that.
-Oh, are you?

Yeah, it's no problem
with me, mate. Fair is fair.

-All right.
-Yeah.

Yeah, you wait till I start
turning up a lot then.

You wait till I start
turning up a lot.

Mate, as far as I'm concerned,
you're the dad.

-See her as much as you want.
-You're not that Zen.

-What?
-You're not that Zen.

Nobody's that Zen,
not even Confucius.

Gonna shit.

[Shane] What are you doing
in here?

Sorry about that, guys.

-[Richard]
Olivia, are you all right?
-"Are you all right?"

What, does he think I've
battered her or something?

[Shane] You've got to play
a different game.

-What do you mean?
-Well, the game you see is...

blokes like that, they
play this sort of game where

they're always there
and always being kind

-and always being sweet.
-Right.

[Shane] And he's bound to have
a side that's not like that.

He might be a nice guy,
but if he isn't,

you being like this is just
fueling the fire for her.

You know what I mean?
She obviously--

She, at the moment,
being pregnant, she wants
somebody.

She wants like almost
verging on homosexual.

Yeah, just go down
and play different.

Maybe, you know, you--
you know,

He answered the door,
he's clever.

Now, when she got up to
make tea,

I didn't pick her up, did I?

No, you did it the first time,
I saw it in your face,

I saw you thinking about it.
Go down and be different.

Can we go back and
get her to make the tea again
and I'll--

No, do it from now,
do it from now.

I just think--
It won't just happen today.

It'll happen over
a period of time,

-won't it, Shane?
-Yeah.

It'll get better
as time goes on, won't it?

[Olivia] Your tea
and coffee's here.

Thank you.
Coming now, darling.

Yeah, this is great fun, man.

So I'm gonna head off up to
Manchester anyway, and--

What are you up to?
What are you doing?

I'm doing the roadying for
these Arctical Monkeys.

-It's a new kids' band.
-[Olivia] Arctic Monkeys.

Yeah, they're
fresh out of school, man,

and they're taking the world
by storm, so...

Got this new rapper that
I'm working with--

-Yeah?
-Called Scor-zay-zee.

Yeah, he's brilliant, man.
Young kid.

-Great.
-Big fuckin' kid.
He's 20 stone.

I'm trimming him down to
16 stone in two months, yeah.

How'd you do that?

Got him on this program,
this quick shake program.

He was in his bedroom,
living on cheeseburgers.

He was just like a big lump
with a fuckin' head. Yeah.

So anyway, I'm gonna
let you two cats get on.

I'm gonna let you get on
with all your fuckin'
computer games--

-[Richard] Excuse me?
-I'm gonna...

see you when I see you,
when I get that phone call.

I will give you a ring,
I promise.

Yeah, give us a ring, darling
and I'll be down there
as quick as I can.

Maybe I'll catch it,
in case it leaps out.

Fuckin' worked, man!

It worked, you're right.

That worked sweet, man.

-[Shane] She bought it?
-Totally.

Before, I was gonna be
all like mad and that.

I was crazy, man.
I was gonna bust him open, yeah?

I was ready, man,
I was gonna carve him up
like a fuckin' can of tuna.

-[laughs] Yeah?
-Yeah, seriously, man.

When you said that,
I found it so interesting,
the psychology of it.

Well done, Shane. Good,
I feel good about this now.

-Do you?
-[Shane] Yeah, it's all good.

We're gonna really get
somewhere with this.

It's gonna be
an adventure and all.

It's good you went through it
'cause you wanted us to
stop filming,

-but you stuck with it.
-You stuck with it.

That's how you do.
It's no different to
being on a film.

It's fuckin' great, man.

When do we start getting paid,
then, for this one?

Well, you get
per diems every day, uh,
for your meals and stuff.

I ain't had any of them
yet, even.

You'll get them today,
so you can buy yourself
dinner and everything.

Okay, great, man.
Shall we have some din-dins?

-Yeah, I'm starving.
-Fuckin' too right, man.

-Brill'.
-Yeah, I'm lovin' it, man,

-all the way, yeah.
-Brilliant.

[♪]

[Donk] Oops!

Should we fuck off
without Derek?

[Scorz] It's quite spacious,
innit?

[Donk] It's beautiful, man.

All right, we're on our way
to Manchester, boys.

Get ready to rock.

This is gonna be fun-dabby-dosy.

[♪]

♪ The opportunity's
There for you ♪

♪ To take your life
In your hands ♪

♪ And you know that
I'm there for you ♪

♪ And I'll give you
That chance ♪

♪ But if she cursed
My name ♪

♪ Should I be cheated again?

♪ She'd surely do
The very same ♪

♪ Yeah, you'd be
Cheated again ♪

[Donk] Ooh, this is
a long journey.

We'll have to stop off again,
Shane.

[Shane] Yeah,
whenever you want.

We're just doing
what you're doing.

Well, I'm late now
so I may as well just
fuck the dog a bit.

[Shane] You know, I did manage
to get you in the hotel tonight.

-Yeah.
-So we're all gonna have
a night together tonight,

'cause I know you can't start
work till tomorrow anyway.

-Fuck yeah, mate, sweet.
-But obviously you'll be
in the camper tomorrow.

-Appreciate-amondo.
-Yeah.

-Huh?
-You'll be, obviously,

back in here tomorrow
when you're on site.

-Yes.
-Yeah, so that's the deal,
I'll let you, you know,

obviously, we'll let you stop in
the hotel tonight

as long as you know you'll
move into this tomorrow.

What do you mean?

You're stopping in
this caravan.

I thought I was in the hotel
with you guys.

-Favored nations.
-No, no, 'cause the film's--

Obviously, you're meant
to be livin' in this.

Why don't you put me
in the room tonight?

Dean sleeps with D.

-Yeah.
-Right?

Tomorrow, um...

Dean has the rascal
and I sleep with Derek.

[throat clearing]

In his place where he slept
tonight for the next two nights,

so at least I'm in
the hotel with you
so we can party every night.

Well, let's--
No, you've got to be--

From what I understood,
you've got to be on site.

I thought you were sleeping
in the back of your car.

Initially,
that's what you told me.

-I didn't say that.
-You did.

No, man, this is you fuckin'
manipulating me, man.

You're trying to-- I know what
you're trying to do,

you're manipulating me,
saying things I didn't
fuckin' say

and trying to capture them
on your camera, man,

man, to make your film
interesting.

[Shane] All right, well, I'll
cancel the room tonight then.

We'll fuckin' drop you at
the Old Trafford cricket ground
and have a think about it,

and if you don't wanna do it,
don't do it, mate.

Here's another one:
I'll drop you right here on
the side of the fuckin' road

'cause it's my fuckin' rascal.

I've got three cars
around me so that's fine.
You do whatever you like.

Fine, we'll turn around at
the next possible junction then,

unless you fuckin'
accommodate me needs.

[Derek] You're just making
the atmosphere heavy in here,
Donk.

You're just making me wanna
fuckin' kick you out the van.

Tell him, Shane.

It's just me and you, man.

If anyone's gonna talk,
it's you.

I can accept it with you.

But not with your
fuckin' mate there,

ol' fuckin' what's his flavor.

[Scorz] It's all right, Donk,
it's all right.

It's just soured the air now.

What was a great day,
full of great promise,

has turned into
a fuckin' shit storm.

[Shane] Because you haven't
got what you wanted, basically.

It's not what I want.

I thought you were gonna
give it to me for three nights,
man. It's all right.

One night in a hotel, fine.

[Derek] Look,
there's no rooms left
in the hotel--

Shut up, Derek,
ya big fuckin' Leslie!

Well, we're finally here, boys.

-[Shane] Long day.
-Rock and fucking roll.

[Shane]
There's Mark-- look.

[Donk] Is this the man?

-You're the man,
aren't you, mate?
-[Mark] Hello.

-You're the man that makes
the magic happen.
-[chuckles]

How are you doing?
Good to meet you.

He's told me
all about you and that.

-All right, Shane.
-How you raise money and that.

Steve, yeah,
I'm all right, yeah.

-Right, you're the man
with the-- Scorz.
-My name' Scorz.

-All right, matey.
-Mark. Nice to meet you.

-Yeah, right.
-It's all good, man.

He says you're the man
with the fuckin' ready-rub,

-so, let's talk business inside.
-[Mark] Yeah.

And then please,
can I have a shit without
all this around me?

And please, can we meet in
the bar and have a drink

-and proper introductions?
-[Shane] Yeah.

[Donk] Would that be
all right, Shane?

-[Shane] Yeah. Wrong way.
-Where's this fucking van?

Yeah, wicked.
Great hotel, man.

Like it, like it.
Good space.

[Scorz] Yeah, not one of them
Butler people

out to carry this, though.

That's what I thought
they was for.

[Donk] Can't any of your
crew people help him, Shane,

carry that big thing around?

[Shane]
What's that? Sorry?

Can't your mates help him
carry this shit around, man?

He's gonna have
a heart attack, ain't ya?

-[Shane] We haven't got many--
-Not a heart attack,

a back attack.
I've hurt me back.

We're here.
It must be down here.

-Very nice place, innit, Shane?
-Gorgeous.

Thanks very much
for this, man.

-That's okay, man.
-I appreciate it.

Even if it's just one night,
it's one night of luxury
I need, man,

-after that hard journey.
-Yeah.

[Donk] Right.

Great stuff. 280...

Here we go, look at that.

Right, monsieurs,this is where
Donk says au revoir.Yeah?

[Shane] Well, can we not
just pop in and see what
your room's like?

No, I don't want the crew
following me around everywhere
all day, man.

You've got to give me
some time out.

You know what I mean?
I'm gonna go have a crap.

[Shane] Okay, do you want to
take that in, Scorz?

Just leave it out there, mate.
Just wait out there a bit.

-[Scorz] Someone will nick it.
-They won't nick it in here,

it's a posh hotel.
Just put it round there.

[Scorz] Yeah, but we're
in Manchester.

That don't matter.
Don't be like that.

Nothing wrong with Manchester.
Put it up against the wall.

I'm just gonna go and have
a shit, mate, all right?

[Shane] Can we not come in
with Scorz then?

I don't want anybody here.
No, Scorz, you're not coming in
just yet.

-Why not?
-'Cause I want to have
a shit in peace.

Just stand out there for 15
and I'll be out, yeah?

-Fuckin' hell.
-All right, you can
come in in 15,

but Shane,
that's it for today, man.

Have half an hour and then
meet you in the bar then--

-[Shane] Are you coming down?
-Yeah, I'll come down
for a quick one.

-You promise?
-Yeah. All right?

Cutting terms.
See you later.

[Shane]
[laughing] Is he gonna
wait out here then?

I can't shit with people
in the room, man.

-[Shane] Okay, all right.
-[Donk] See you in a bit.

[♪]

[♪]

The situation is
I'm coming up here,

doing me job as a roadie,

but also I've got this
delicious sideline in Scorz

-with his rapping talents.
-[Shane] Yeah.

The plan is to
bring him up there

and get him around
the music industry.

That's the first plan.

The second plan is...

You don't bring
an artist like Scorz
to fuckin'--

a big do like this,

and not get him up on
the fuckin' stage
doin' their stuff,

you know what I mean?

[Shane] Yeah, yeah,
that's true.

[Scorz] How do you reckon
we'll pull that one off then?

Don't know yet.
There's a way.

Meet the right people,
talk to the right people...

and, uh...
see if we can pull it off.
I've got fuckin' contacts, mate.

[Shane] What,
before people get there?

No, no,
right there in the middle of
all them people, man.

Get Scorz on to do a number.
Come on fast, hit them.

What a fucking showcase.
50,000 people.

[Shane]
How realistic do you think
your chances are about that?

-Sounds pretty far-fetched.
-Hundred to one, mate.

Well, I likes them odds.
Them's the odds I likes.

Yeah?

[Shane] What do you think
about that, Scorz?

Would you be willing to do it?

That would be the best
opportunity of my life, I think.

And my old girlfriend
will come back,

"Oh, I didn't mean to
leave ya. [whines]

Now you're a big star."

She'll be laughing on
the other side of her face.

Yeah, are you gonna smack her
right in the face?

-With the mic.
-Yeah.

With my mic.

-Smack her with your mic.
-[Scorz] Yeah.

[Donk] I'll be fuckin'--

Just stroll up, man.

You all right, Nigel?

-All right, how are you?
-How you doin'?

-Good to see you again.
-Good to see you, man.

-How are you?
-Yeah, great, man, great.

-Ticking over nicely.
-What you been up to?

Oh, you know me,
this and that.

-Good.
-Keeping me life together,

working on--
working on some new acts.

Oh, aye? What's that then?

Well, Scor-zay-zee here.

-Hi matey, how's it going?
-He's one of me new acts.

-Not too bad, not too bad.
-Yeah, he's a rapper.

-A rapper?
-Yeah.

What do you want me doing then?

I dunno.

Are you just down
for the weekend then, or...

Yeah, yeah, I got called up
there, didn't I, so...

I assumed there would be
a few quid at the end of it--

Well, we can always use your
usual face, like, you know.

Yeah, great, man.

Scorz, how do you feel, man,
being on a big stage?

-This is my dream come true,
Donk. [laughs]
-It's amazing, innit?

-Look at that.
-[Scorz] I mean,

I wouldn't have dreamed of this
in a million years.

[Donk] And at the minute,
there's not even anyone in here!

-It's just empty.
-Did that man say
we could rap on stage?

Well, he's not the man to ask,
but I'll be working on that,

don't you worry, mate.

Let's go find someone
who'll know, though.

Yeah, I could do a stage dive.

Not from there, mate,
you won't make it.

-See that barrier?
-I've always wanted
to do a stage dive.

Well, don't try it here,
mate.

Have you got a trampoline or
something, I could just--

-Just-- You know?
-You could always do

a Beth Ditto and
climb down and that.

-[Scorz] Big belly flop.
-[Donk] Yeah. Flop into
the crowd.

-Yeah.
-[Donk] Mark.

Have me passes
arrived yet, man?

-Yeah, they're coming now.
-Sweet.

[door closes]

-Right, I've got some passes.
-[Donk] Great.

Is mine the one with
all the, uh, triple A's on it?

-Wicked-- that's mine.
-[Shane] Show us it, Donk.

That's Donkenstein's pass.
Check that out.

-Triple A, man.
-What does that mean,
triple A?

-Access all areas, sunshine.
-Ah, wicked.

Yeah. You should have
one of them, Shane.

How come his is different
to yours?

'Cause he ain't allowed round
the backstage working and all
that, but you are.

He can't go where I'm going, no.

Now what's he doing,
going to the vanby?

Yeah, you're gonna go back in
the vanby and write some songs,
yeah?

-Yup, yup, yup,
I gotta work on me keyboards.
-Keyboards. There you go.

Come on, Scorz.

Work to be done.
It ain't all fuckin' around.

Here you are, shack sack.

Don't get into any trouble,
will you?

Can I borrow your magazine?

It's there, you twat.

Oh, I see. I thought it was
parked over there, sorry.

♪ She ain't never
Going to call ♪

♪ She's lost in the fog

[Shane] Hello?

-All right.
-How are you, mate?

Not bad, I'm just
trying to figure out

how to get some beats going
on this keyboard here.

But Donk, like the Donk he is,
ain't brought no batteries.

Do you know anywhere
where I can get any power
to plug this keyboard in?

I don't
at this moment in time,

but if you hold on till we
deal with the coach...

Thank you.

[sighs] I don't think
she knew much, did she?

♪ Ah...

♪ Ah, ah, ah...

♪ Ah...♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

[Donk] Different bloke here,
aren't I?

'Cause I'm at home with this.
I think I might just

sack it all in and just
fuckin' go on tour, man.

[Shane] I suppose after
what's happened

with your missus and everything,
you've got no--

-Yeah.
-Problem obviously
seeing the kid.

Yeah, I'll see him, man.

But, yeah, if she don't
want me there, man, fuck it.

This is in my blood,
you know?

Maybe I should just, uh--

Just pursue the things that
I want to do in life and--

I'll meet the kid when it's 18.

We can meet up again.
There's ways of doing it now.

It's not like the olden days
where someone went to
another country

and you never saw hide
nor fuckin' hair of them again.

I'm mean,
it's pretty much like--

What with internet now and
fuckin' downloading pictures

and this, that and the other.

You can keep in touch,
and I can watch him grow

-via the fuckin' web.
-Yeah.

That's the way it's like,
mate,

it's like having
a cyber pet, almost.

Just a kid that comes online
every now and again,

I can live with that.

-For real?
-Yeah.

-[Scorz] Hello?
-[knocking]

Hello?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me,
do you know where I can
plug my keyboard in anywhere?

[overlapping dialog]

[man]
Go all the way around.

[Scorz]
Nice one, nice one.

Did he mean here?
He didn't mean here, did he?

-Is that the sound check
done, yeah?
-No, just line check, mate.

Yeah, I know, line check,
then we're gonna come back

and do the full sound check
after lunch.

Yeah. Yeah, come and get
involved more, you know.

Yeah, I'm going to, man.
Gonna get on them drums, man.

-You in a band?
-Yeah, I am, actually.

-Oh, yeah?
-Well, I manage
a band, yeah.

-You manage a band?
-Yeah.

I've got a rap act too.

He's fuckin'
trundling around here

like the honey monster
with a fuckin' lobotomy.

-I've seen him, yeah.
-Yeah, just--

Believe it or not,
he's very talented.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, he's a very
talented rap artist.

Don't be fooled by the fuckin'

"Tell 'em about the honey,
mummy" exterior-- Here he Is.

-Scorz, come here, mate.
-All right?

-Yeah.
-I still--

Not one of them bastards
have helped me

-plug me keyboard in.
-The van.

-I know, but--
-I'm telling, um--

What's your name
again, brother?

-Scoot.
-Scoot.

Telling Scoot about your, uh,
conversion to Islam.

All right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go on, then, elaborate,
you fuckin' lump.

You said don't say anything.

No, well, talk to him now.
You're allowed.

Oh, all right. Well, I--
Yeah, I was thinking about

the purpose of life and,
you know,

why are we here
and existence, you know?

It's kind of a--
Who created our eyes,

who created our fingers,
you know?

So I-- I started praying
in Islam,

praying and reading
the Qur'an and stuff like that.

[chanting] Al-hamdu lillahi
rabb il-'alamin.

Ar-rahman ar-raheem.
Maliki yawmi-d-din.

Iyya-ka na'budu
wa iyya-ka nasta'in.

Ihdina-sirat al-mustaqim.

Sirat al-ladhina
an'amta 'alai-him.

Ghair il-maghdubi
'Alai-him wa la-d-dallin.

That's-- That's
the first chapter of the Qur'an.

-[Donk] Cut, Shane.
-[Scoot] Should we go
and get some dinner?

-[Donk] Let's go and
get some din-dins.
-[Scoot] All right.

Um, Shane, do you know where
I could plug this keyboard in?

Fuckin' hell. Um...

Well, not up here, man.
Look out there.

That's the main stage,
so this probably isn't

the best place, Scorz,
to be honest.

What about that, um,
little shed over there?

Have you not got a power cord
in the vanby?

No, no, no.

I've gotta go have me dinner,
mate.

-Anyway, good luck with that.
-All right, see you, Shane.

-See you.
-[clattering]

-You all right?
-Yeah.

[♪]

Bring that over here.

All these engineers
and I'm doing it meself.

Doesn't make sense, does it?

[♪]

Excuse me, mate.

Do you-- Do you know how to
work keyboards?

[man] Yeah, you press
the keys down.

Yeah, but I just wanted to get
a hip-- I wanted, like,
a hip hop beat on it.

It's a new keyboard
and I ain't got a clue
how to really use it.

-Plugged it in?
-I just plugged the out--

I'll plug it in and see.

-[Hip hop beat playing]
-Oh, fuckin' brilliant.

♪ I've got this freestyle
Chopper, not a copper ♪

♪ But I don't give a fuck,
I'll chop you with ♪

♪ A helicopter propeller,
A capella ♪

♪ I slap a fella
Like a Goodfella ♪

♪ But really
I'm a 'hood fella ♪

♪ S-C-O-R-Zed-A-Y-Zed-
Double E ♪

♪ And no M.C. can trouble me

♪ Believe me,
You're not seeing me ♪

♪ Like Stevie Wonder

♪ Watch you under,
Don't make a blunder ♪

♪ You're gonna crumble
When you stumble,
Motherfucker ♪

♪ This is the rumble
In the jungle ♪

♪ Me and Shane Meadows
Making a film ♪

♪ Motherfucker
I don't give a damn ♪

♪ I'm like a big fat trucker
With sweaty armpits ♪

♪ Pamela Anderson
Is my girlfriend ♪

♪ I don't give a fuck
When I flick ♪

♪ I'm, like, psychiatric,
Schizophrenic ♪

♪ Psychosis, on some white...

[fades]

[Donk] What do you reckon
to Scor-zay-zee then?

-No, he's good.
-Brilliant, isn't he, man?

I was very impressed.
He just kept going.

Does he make it up on the spot
or is it more...

I think it's a 50/50 thing.

Some of it he just goes
into a trance-like state.

That stuff about cricket,
that had to be off the cuff.

There's got to be
certain lines

that you've got stored though,
there's gotta be.

Yeah, he's got some shit
in the backlog, yeah.

But, uh, if you're struggling,
mate...

for a support slot.

That'd be good.

Scorz, he's fearless, man.

-That'll get 'em up, the crowd.
-What, you on drums?

Yeah, I'll do a bit on drums,
if that's all right.

[Donk] Scorz impressed them
so much today with the impromptu

that they've offered us
the possibility of a 2:30 slot

on the Sunday.

[Shane]
And that's the final day?

The final day,
to showcase Scorz.

So that's the crack now.
He's got the chance
to do one song

in front of
50,000 people...

And, um... so this is
what we're waiting for now.

Fingers crossed
that he comes along
and gives us the okay

that we can do
the fuckin' show now.

Hiya, Mark.
How ya doing, mate?

-I'm good, yeah.
-All right, Carol?

-Hello. Claire.
-Claire.

Fuckin' Claire.

What's the crack then, Mark?
What did they say?

Well, um...

-We've got a slot.
-Wicked.

-You what, mate?
-You've got a slot.

You're joking.

-[Shane] Really, Mark?
-Half past two.

Yeah, lads heard it, manager,
everyone heard it,

and was--
The band heard it.

The Arctic Monkeys heard it
and... half past two.

They were watching,
the Arctic Monkeys
were watching,

they were doing all like this
with their foot...

Anyway, I've just been out,
just got it, and you're on,

and you're gonna get introduced.

Just tell 'em
what your name is.

-Cheers, mate.
-It's all right.

Thanks very much for
that, brother. [laughs]

Thank you very much.
Cheers, man, I can't believe it.

-There you go, there you go.
-I'm gonna get some beers in.

Things what dreams
are made of.

-What do you want, Shane?
-[Shane] I'll have
a pint of lager--

-Celebrate, shall we?
-[Donk] Celebrate, man.

-[Shane] Champagne, mate.
-Not sure they do champagne.

-They do milk.
-[laughter]

I'm not a champagne man.
Can I have just a pint of

strong European lager please?

[♪]

[knocking on door]

-Open the door,
you twat.
-[Mark laughs]

-It's me, man.
-Eh up, Donk.

-How you doing, mate?
-I'm fine.

Do you mind if I have
a beer, people?

-[indistinct dialog]
-Great stuff.

[Shane]
So, have you done any
practicing at all

or is this your first session?

[Donk] Fuckin' shit-sticks,
man.

Do you wanna rig me up
properly with this?

-[man] Sorry, dog.
-I nearly lost me hip.

What you're privy to here?

Mine's the Beck's.

Ain't a-- It's not
performance as such.

It's just a, uh, fuckin'...

work in progress.
You know what I mean?

We're just rehearsing, so
don't-- don't expect perfection

-or... you know--
-[Shane] Don't worry.

Yeah, it's just, we're
working it through, man,

'cause we're still writing it.

[Hip hop beat playing]

-Come on.
-All right.

Old Trafford,
you're doing terrific.

Yeah, the rain's pouring.
So what?

It might be sunny.
I'll change that.

Yeah, it's a sunny day, come on,
I've got an alternative.

Yeah, come on,
get out your sombreros.

I need a pretend mic
or something.

Um, use the bottle here.

Here we go, here we go.

♪ Making money off us
Like slaves ♪

♪ Got us competing
Against each other ♪

♪ Calling each other names

♪ Calm down,
Jeremy Cable ♪

♪ Kids asking me
Where I got my trainers ♪

♪ How much I bought 'em

♪ How could I tell 'em
The price ♪

♪ Knowing full well
Their mothers ♪

♪ Just can't afford them

♪ Calm down,
Ricky Hatton ♪

♪ Calm down,
Elvis Parsley ♪

♪ Calm down,
Ryan Seacrest ♪

-[laughter]
-[music stops]

The reason why I'm mentioning
all these people--

-[Shane] Right.
-Is just like the fuckin'
randomness, like,

just 'cause they're
names out of a hat

doesn't mean that they're not--

Don't get furious
from time to time.

So I'm not saying,
"Calm down, Mum,"

I'm saying,
"Calm down, Ryan Seacrest,

calm down, Worzel Gummidge,
calm down, Hilda Hogden."

-[laughter]
-"Fuckin' calm down,
Fanny Cradock,

-calm down, Jimmy Nesbitt."
-[laughter]

"Calm down, Bob the Builder,

"calm down, Curtis Stigers,

"calm down, Elvis Parsley,

calm down, Ricky Butcher."

You know, it's just that thing
in your brain, it's like--

[woman] Scorz, where do you
get your inspiration from?

Um...

I'm just trying to make
my mum and dad proud, really.

-That's about it.
-[women] Aww...

-[chuckles]
-[Donk] Yeah, it's--

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's a good--
good philosophy.

Trying to make Donk
proud as well.

Trying to make me proud, man.
I'm not even in--

I'm not even
a part of the fuckin' show, man.

I'm-- I'm just the back line.

You were brilliant.

My names are good, though.
The list of names is fuckin'--

-[Claire]
But what Scorz is doing--
-It's just backing--

Yeah,
it's increasing the show--

-You probably shouldn't
talk over him.
-I'm not talking over him.

[Shane] There was a minute
where you did pass over
each other.

That's when I come in
at the end with the hundred
fuckin' names, man.

[Claire] You can't hear
what he's saying though.

[woman]
It's just a shame--

Yeah, but I got bored of
what he was saying,

'cause it was just the same old
fuckin' same old.

He's got a lot of issues
that he writes--

So have I.

[Claire]
But you can just say it
after he's finished his bit.

All right, okay,
yeah, all right,

let's try a version where
I don't sing fuck-all,

and see how--
see how interesting he is.

[Claire] Yeah. Well,
you know, whatever.

[Hip hop beat playing]

♪ Yo, yo

♪ Even heroes die

♪ The demons got to
Bruce Lee ♪

♪ The night
The scarecrows cried ♪

♪ And Buddy Holly crashed
His plane from the sky ♪

It's the same old shit.

Same shit,
different beat!

♪ Disguised as a record label
Inviting him to the wealth,

♪ The high life itself,
The price your health ♪

Same shit,
different beat, mate.

♪ Evil people fighting over
Your royalties ♪

[Shane] That's a nice beat.
Would you not think about
changing it for that one?

I prefer that one-- this sounds
a bit like a keyboard.

[women agreeing]

Fuck you! Who's writing
the fuckin' song with him?

[music stops]

Me or these wenches?

Come on, man, it's getting
fuckin' ridiculous.

We're the artistical ones
and they're just fuckin'
ligging on,

-man, on the back of you.
-[Claire] I don't appreciate
being called a wench.

I don't appreciate
you coming in here
and fuckin' with me art.

What's so funny?

[Claire] Because you're
tripping over.

-I'll trip in a minute.
-[music resumes]

Turn that fuckin' thing off
right now.

-[music stops]
-It's over, man,

the session's over. Fuck off.

-But we need to practice.
-Come practice in my room.

Seriously, man, come on.

I was gonna go for a drink
with them all.

[Donk] Yeah, go on then,
you big womble.

I'll tell you what,
Uncle Bulgaria,

you go and have
a fuckin' drink with them

and they'll write a song
with ya.

Why are you
calling him a womble?

Because he is a big,
stupid fuckin' womble.

'Cause he's not listening to me,
and I told him.

He's got a fuckin'
lot of talent actually.

[Donk]
Oh, you discovered it, did ya?

-Are you gonna be
buying his records?
-No, but I appreciate it.

Are you gonna be there when
he has his next breakdown?

Are you gonna been getting him
through the hard times?

-I don't think so.
-Well, how do you know?

[Donk]
How do I know?

Well, don't rappers
have an entourage?

How do I know, candy pants?

'Cause I fuckin' do know, man.

'Cause I roll with it.

I saved this guy from
fuckin' self-destruction.

So you sit there in your fuckin'
tight jeans and all that,

with your bras popping out.

Acting like fuckin' groupies
what don't put out.

There's a word for you.
Prick teasers.

Come on, Scorz,
we're fuckin' going.

There was never
a chance with you, mate.

[Scorz] I'm gonna go
with Donk, so...

Thanks a lot anyway
for having me.

[Claire] See you tomorrow,
Scorz. Well done. Well done.

[Donk] Come on, mate.

You can eat from my shit box.

[woman] It's a shame,
though, he's such an idiot.

The truth is is that Scorz
went up on stage himself.

Donk had thrown him out

and made him go back to
the fuckin' caravan,

and Scorz got on stage,
and then he got in on it,

and now he's trying to
take over and it's disgraceful.

[Claire] Scorz is
the talented one.

Yeah, I mean,
but the thing is,
that's really funny,

'cause we were
laughing our heads off
at all the other stuff,

so I thought he knew
it was funny.

[woman] Just completely
took it the wrong way.

-[knocking on door]
-[Shane] He obviously took it
dead seriously.

Is that him?

-[Mark] Just ignore him.
-[Claire] Just don't answer it.

It might be Scorz though.
It might just--

[knocking continues]

It might be room service.
Hello? Who is it?

-It's Donk.
-No, Donk, you can't come in.

Just open the door, man.

Otherwise he'll be
fuckin' out there for hours.

You offended everyone.

Oh, come on, man,
just let me fuckin'--

[Shane] You can't keep
doing it like this,

'Cause I've personally
fallen out with you twice.

Just let me apologize.
I'm sorry, girls.

I know you're decent women.

You're not like the usual slags
who put themselves around.

I'm sorry.
I'm not used to, like,

mixing with ladies like
yourselves with intellect.

Usually the girls I roll with
are kind of stupid.

Just want to apologize.
I didn't mean it.

Go.

Scorz, you best go in the front,

-unless Derek wants to
get in the front.
-[Scorz] Yeah.

[Shane] Yeah, yeah,
you two go in the front.

-Have you got the power supply?
-Yeah, it's in my pocket.

[Shane] Have you got
all your words with you,
all your names?

Yeah.

[Shane] And did you carry on
working on that?

I carried on working
till about three in the morning.

[Shane] Have you got any
new ones in there?

Got loads of new names, man.

They're probably what
I worked up last night.

After you went,
I come up with shitloads, man.

Was writing them down,
so we went to, like, uh...

Adolf Hitler,
Terry-Thomas,

Thomas Turgoose,
Edith Bowman,

Enid Blyton,
J.R. Tolkien,

J.K. Rowling, Sally--
uh, Selwyn Froggitt,

Mr. Blobby,
Whoopi Goldberg,

Steak and kidney,
Martha Stewart,

John the reverend,
Mary Whitehouse,

Rodney Trotter,
Richard Madeley,

Desmond Llewelyn, 9/11,

Johnny-- Johnny Bumshaw.

[Shane] Now you have to--
get it-- it works,

and pull it toward-- that's it.

[Donk] I think- I think it's
straight on here. Yeah.

[Shane] I thought you knew
where you were going, like.

Yeah, I do.

[Shane]
So is it straight on?

Yeah.
[groans]

[Shane] Can you drive
a bit more normal, mate?

-[Mark] I spilled me coffee...
-[Shane] You're doing that
on purpose,

I can see you
wiping your mouth.

[shouting and groaning]

[Mark] Donk, you're gonna
fuck the van up.

-Aw, Donk.
-Oh, jeez.

[Donk] That's not me,
that's Shane Meadows, man.

-[Shane] Is it fuck me?
-[Donk] Yes, it fucking is.

[Shane] How come he--
Mark smells it first, then me?

[Donk] Where's the fucking,
uh, football ground?

[Mark] We've gone past it,
the entrance, the side,
the artist entrance.

-We need to turn around.
-Be just in there, yeah?

[horn honks]

-[woman] Can I help you?
-[Donk] All right, love.

[woman] Can you stick this
on your windscreen?

[Donk] All right, love.
On the inside?

[woman] Yeah,
just do it in the mirror.

Just go straight through, yeah?

Look at that, "Le Donk."

They haven't put your name
on it, Scorz.

[Scorz] It's all right.

[Shane]
That's one, two, and grin.
Sorry about that, mate.

I did say, like, you know,
the fucking artist
is Scor-zay-zee.

[Scorz] We're gonna have to
go through, yeah.
Starting to get butterflies.

-Are you?
-Yeah.

-We're not even
performing tonight.
-[Scorz] I know, but...

[Donk] Now if we can grab
a few people to play our shit
to, that'd be great.

Get the parrots in,
someone to have a fucking
listen to what we're doing.

[Scorz] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Donk] Just to get some
professional feedback.

[horn honks]

Get out of the way,
you fuckin' sasquatch.

We only got together as an act
on, uh, Wednesday.

Like, with me, as well.

I mean, he's been performing
for years, but then, come Sunday

we're here opening for
the biggest gig this weekend
in England.

It's progress, man.

-One-two, one-two, one-two.
-[Scorz] Yo, yo, yo.

Just me first.
One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Deirdre.

One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Deirdre.

One-two, one-two.

Calm down, Jerry.

One-two, one-two.

Any good?

Two-two, one-two.

[♪]

[feedback squealing]

♪ Yo, yo, yo

♪ Hey, yo,
I write the type of phrases
That are twice amazing ♪

[voice fades]

♪ You said it's your brain

♪ Playing tricks with
All the time ♪

♪ Act like you're young
In the bright morning sun ♪

♪ With a future you're still
Yet to climb ♪

♪ And the light of a lamp

♪ Bouncing back off the glass

♪ Stood at the gate
In a glorious state ♪

♪ Where you're going,
I'm too scared to ask ♪

♪ The streets outside

♪ Are warm and clear

♪ Love can't hold you here

♪ I hear your voice

♪ Whisper stay

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

[♪]

♪ I remember us once

♪ In a fabulous place

♪ Nothing around,
No image, no sound ♪

♪ Had the strength
To really exist ♪

♪ You all wrapped in white

♪ The start of the end

♪ And I all alone
And away from the stone ♪

♪ A force to be reckoned with

♪ The streets outside

♪ Are warm and clear

♪ Love can't hold you here

♪ I hear your voice

♪ Whisper stay

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

♪ The years have loved us

♪ Friend

[♪]

[Donk] I am...

What I am.

Just Donk.

Yeah.

But I don't know.

I sometimes sit and fucking
think about it a lot and...

Yeah.

I remember this one night
I took her out.

And she'd had an 'ard week
at work, and I'd a--

-I'd a pretty fucking 'ard week
and all, you know, but--
-Yeah.

I remember thinking, "I ain't
gonna go out and get lashed,

you know, I'm gonna fucking
go home and treat her."

So, I went in-- went in
the house and says,

"Oi, you.
Get your fucking glad rags on.

"You're going out tonight for
having a real treat

for having a hard week."

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I said, "And by the way,
it's gonna be on me."

She was like, "Ooh."
She skipped off up the stairs

and come down with
a nice dress on, you know,

-and a pair of earrings
and, uh--
-Yeah.

I said,
"Get in that chariot."

I said, "It awaits you,
my darling."

-Mm.
-And, uh...

then she go--
we're driving along, she goes,

"Where are we going, then?"
I says, "Berni Inn."

All right.

And, uh, yeah.

We went to Berni Inn, man.
I made love to her that night.

Oh, yeah.

And, uh...
I lasted quite long.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, man.

-Longer than usual.
-Yeah.

So, I were-- I think it was
'cause I was more relaxed.

-Yeah.
-And I started--
I switched off.

I just, uh, thought of
Mike Tyson and that seemed to--

seemed to make
the feeling go away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, uh, yeah,
it was great, man.

Afterwards we spooned,
you know.

-Mm.
-In the "s" position, and...

-Yeah.
-Goodness gracious, I mean,

I've tried spooning before,
but, you know,

usually I get a fuckin'
dead arm and sack it but--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, that night,
when we fell asleep spooning,

-we woke up spooning.
-[chuckles]

-You know what I mean?
-Yeah.

And in the morning...

went downstairs and
she cooked me eggs, man.

Did 'em over easy,
all right,

and I sat at the table and just
watched her cooking these eggs,

and it was like a vision of
fucking heaven, man.

Why, was she naked when
she was cooking?

-What?
-Was she naked?

What do you mean,
was she naked, man?

No, 'cause you said you'd
had sex the night before...

-No, she wasn't naked.
-Oh, right.

No, she had
a fucking nightie on, man.

-Oh, right, right, right.
-"Was she naked?"

-I just thought, innit, man.
-Thought what?

You trying to get some image
in your head

so you can have a--
like, a wank-off to it
or something?

-No, no, no.
-Fucking jeez, man.

I'm spilling me heart out
to you,

you're trivializing it
to fucking, you know--

-Sorry.
-Porn, man.

-Yeah, yeah, sorry.
-Yeah.

My mind just runs away
with me sometimes.

I'm giving you poetry,
and you're fucking in

the back pages of Zoo.

-Yeah. [chuckles]
-Fucking lights out.

Jesus Christ, man.

That's the last time I'm
fuckin' intimate with you

about me
feelings and things.

[sighs]

God, me coccyx is
fucking doing me.

[groans]
Jesus Christ, man.

Never do your back in.
Never do your back in.

[sighs]

-I need that butt massage.
-[phone ringing]

Fucking Jesus.

Hello?

Yeah, you all right, Richard?

Yeah, what's the crack, mate?

Eh?

Oh, man.

So, it's-- it's on its way?

-She's off, she's off.
She's in labor.
-What's happened?

-She gone into labor.
-Fuckin' hell.

Can you fuckin'
believe that, man?

Can you believe that on the eve
of a big show like tomorrow,

she's gone into labor, man?

And we're still gonna do
the gig, though, yeah?

Well...

I don't-- Yeah, man, I mean,
no, I don't know, uh--

I don't know, man, I don't know,
I don't know what the crack is.

I'm gonna head back now.
I'm, uh--

You know, I don't know what
the crack is with labor.

It could be two hours,
it could be two fuckin' days,
mate,

but I want to be there,
if you know what I mean, man.

Can't you go there
and come back tonight, or...

I don't know, mate.
I don't know what the crack is.
I think, uh--

-All right.
-Yeah, the--

Yeah. But I'm probably gonna
have to head home, man,

I'm fucking sorry about that,
doing it--

Fucking hell.

[Shane] Can Scor-zay-zee stop
if one of our cameras stops?
And could he--

How complicated is what you do
on the keyboard and that.

Is it gonna be difficult?

Uh, it's--

It's a lot of beats, man.

It's a lot of beats, I mean,

I wouldn't want that
responsibility

to go to anybody else
in case they ruin it,

'cause it's-- 'cause it's--
I wrote the fucking beats.

And that's the mechanics,
I mean it's intricate work--

Can't you show me
how to do it?

I don't want to kid you, man.
I mean, no, it's gonna--

-It'll take some
training up, I mean...
-Yeah.

[Shane] So, can he not do it
if-- As well?

Um...

Well, it's just that thing of
all the hard work I've done,

you know, I've got a lot of--
Gah, I fee-- I just want to--

Oh, fuck it.
Fuck it. Fuck it.

No, you gotta play it, man.
You've gotta play it.

Yeah, I mean, I can do it.
I reckon I can do it on me own

in 20 minutes or
something like that.

Yeah.
Listen, man.

I'm just being
fucking selfish, man.

Course you can play the gig.
Course you can play the beats.

What you have to do is
stand there

and press two fucking buttons,
and that's it, man.

I'm dressing it up as something
bigger than what it is,

but it's not, 'cause I'm
a talentless fuck-pig.

But show me before you go
what-- which button it is...

-Yeah, I will do, man.
-And I'll do it.

Why dress it up as
anything more?

I'm the guy who stands at
the back of

the fucking Pet Shop Boys
pressing buttons, man.

-Yeah.
-It's easy, you're the man,
you're the talent,

I'm just
a fucking piece of old shit.

Yeah.

Don't put yourself down, Donk,
you're just about to--

Let's face it, man,
look at me, I'm washed up, man.

-No.
-Yeah, it Is.

I've got coccyx trouble,
my vision ain't what it
used to be.

I'm fucked, mate.
You're the talent.

You're the man with the drive.
Who am I kidding?

Look at me, man.

♪ These ain't tears

♪ It's just the rain

♪ We should say bye

♪ On a sunny day

♪ And this ain't love

♪ Despite the pain

♪ It's just that things

♪ Change

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

♪ This I know

[♪]

[gate opens, closes]

-Hey.
-Hey.

How are you, mate?
All right?

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's all right,
man, it's good, good!

Okay.

I really appreciate
you coming back, mate.

-No worries.
-It's like four hours.

Congratulations.

Yeah, congratulations to you,
mate, well done.

Congratulations to you,
surrogate daddy.

Yeah, well, listen, um...
what I thought,

-I'll just go and
put the kettle on--
-Yeah.

You guys can have a talk
and you can see the kid and--

Brilliant, brilliant.
How is she? Is she okay?

She's absolutely fine, mate.

She's looking forward to
seeing you, I think, actually,

-so, uh--
-Oh, aye?

Yeah, so yeah, go upstairs
and I'll get the kettle on.

Thank you, man.
Fantastic.

After me.
[laughs]

Cheers, mate, no worries.

Hello, pretty.

-Hello, love.
-Hi.

Hope you don't mind me
coming up.
Richard let me in and--

[Olivia] No, I'm pleased
you could get here.

-Hello, mate!
-Here he is.

-How you doing?
-[baby coos]

Hello, fella.
What's the crack down there?

Is life good, man?

Fantastic, wowee!

Do you think
he looks like you?

Yeah, he looks more like you
actually...

-[baby coos]
-Yeah, you do, man.

You got your dad's chuckle,
which is great.

-[chuckles]
-[baby coos]

What's your name?

-Finn.
-Finn?

-I think Finn.
-Yeah, that's pretty good,
man.

-I was thinking of Leaf.
-No, Leaf's gay.

Finn's good. Finn's a good,
strong Irish name, man.

Hey buddy, how you doin', man?
He's pretty big, isn't he?

Yeah, he was, I think,
the biggest my midwife has seen.

Fantastic, man.

So how long did it take
to bang him out then?

Um, actually, very quick.
Three hours.

-Fantastic.
-It was quicker than--

'Cause it can take
three days, can't it?

Yeah. Yeah,
it can take a long time.

Did they have to use a pair
of spoons to pull him out

or anything by his head?

-A ventouse.
-Eh?

-Yeah, they used a ventouse.
-Okay.

-It's a sucker cup.
-Oh, right, okay.

He actually didn't bruise
very badly on his head.

-Fantastic.
-And that's when everything

sort of exploded and there was
quite a lot of blood

and... things there.

Got a lot of stitches.

-Yeah, who'd wanna--
-Yeah.

Who'd wanna go there?

Well, no one's going there
for quite some time.

Yeah, I bet, yeah.

You know,
this kid I told you about,

-this Scor-zay-zee.
-Yeah.

He, uh-- I was like
managing him, almost,

and trying to get things
to happen for him

and it frickin' happened
for him.

-Great.
-He's got this gig tomorrow.

Yeah. He's opening the show
for the Arctical Monkeys.

-For the--
-The Arctical Monkeys
at Old Trafford,

yeah, yeah, and he's--
he had me--

had me playin'
keyboards for him.

-Right!
-But I came back, obviously,

I came back for this, so,
I mean, it was a chance, right,

it's his chance really to be

in front of 50,000 people
and play a show.

-Right.
-I just-- I just said to him,

I said, "It's your show, dude,
it's not my show.

It's fuckin'--
I'm gonna go back home
and see my child,"

and I'm freakin' glad
I've seen him. You know?

I feel fulfilled now.
I feel different now today.

-Do you?
-Yeah, transformed, you know.

Yeah, maybe you should
go and do it.

Oh, nah, man, no. No.

I've realized, man, I'm not--

I'm not that stupid--
I'm, uh--

I'm not the talented one.
You know what I mean?

I never have been really.
I've hung on the coattails
of artistic people,

and, you know, gone along
and blagged it all,

but no, I haven't got it,
you know? I'd rather--

But you've always wanted
to do that, haven't you?

-Yeah, I know, but--
-That many people?

Oh, it's the stuff of dreams.

Well, it would be
a really good story
to tell your boy.

I feel a frickin' rockin'
moment comin' on here.

Maybe you should go
and do it.

Yeah, maybe I should go
and do it, eh?

Something to tell you, won't it,
when you're bigger,

that your dad played to
50,000 people.

-[baby coos]
-Eh?

What do you think about that?

Think it's cool?

-Yeah, man.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Yeah. All righty-on.

But if you need me for anything,
ring me.

Okay.

I'm not trying to get meself
foot in the door, man,

if you need me,
genuinely, ring me.

If you want me to
fix your boiler,

anything like that,
call me, man, and I'll do it.

Thank you, Nicholas,
that's lovely.

Thanks, Nicholas. Nicholas.

All righty.

Well, listen, man.

I'll see you later, buddy.

It's good to know you're safe.

Have a good one, yeah?
Put her there, man.

He can't do that--
can't do that yet.

-Oh, I see.
-[baby exclaims]

Yeah!
Take care of yourself.

And you, good luck.

Good luck
with everything, man.

-Well done!
-Thank you.

Well done, you.

Well done.
For being born.

Bye-bye.

-I'm gonna go and do it.
-Say "Bye-bye, Daddy."

I'm gonna play this frickin'
show, all right, all right!

-See you later.
-Bye.

See you later.
See you, mate!

-[baby exclaims]
-Okay.

-He's crying now, I'm going--
-I know.

-I'm gonna split.
-Okay.

-See you later.
-See you.

-[crowd cheering]
-[helicopter whirring]

[Shane] Donk!

[Scorz] They're after you,
they want you, mate.

Come on then,
let's go and do this.

Let's go,
we're all pepped up!

Let's go make
music fuckin' history.

[man laughs]

Oh, yeah!

♪ Desperados

-[cheering continues]
-[helicoptor whirring]

I've waited me whole life
for this.

Not even frickin' signed.

[radio chatter]

We're ready to rock.
Scor-zay-zee, go first, big man!

-You're gonna speak for me?
-No, I'll speak to the crowd,
come on!

[cheering]

[Donk] Manchester,
how you doing?

-[crowd cheering]
-All right!

You thought you were getting
five bands today, didn't ya?

We got a little bonus
goin' on for ya.

'Cause we're friends of
the Arctic Monkeys

and they love us so much
that they want us
to open for them today.

-Oh, yeah.
-[cheering]

This is me and Scor-zay-zee,
we're not even signed,

but we're gonna bring some
beats to you right now

so you fuckin' rock in the sun
and drink some beer

and get going.
Come on, kids!

[Scorz] Yo!

Come on, people, yell!
Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!
Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!
Yo, yo, check it, check it, yo.

♪ Heyo, I write the type
Of phrases that are
Twice amazing ♪

♪ Isolate your mind and state,
I rhyme a rate
Where time and space ♪

♪ Could either change
Your eyes and face ♪

♪ Put little nano bots
In your veins ♪

♪ And make you drink water
Until you evolve into a lake ♪

♪ I mold the landscape,
Know the masons' handshake ♪

♪ Jumped off the top of
Scotland ♪

♪ And made the Arabian desert
Sand shake ♪

♪ Write until my hand aches

♪ Freestyling for 24 hours
Like Band-Aid ♪

♪ Scorzilla
The last vigilante ♪

♪ Most be communicatin'
With canine diseases ♪

♪ You're heathen, doubled up
But you're not breathin' ♪

♪ I'll pull my tongue out
And shoot ya ♪

♪ Beatin' me is like
Seeing Stephen Hawking

♪ Speakin' without a computer

Donk!

♪ Just calm down,
Deirdre Barlow ♪

♪ Just calm down,
Stephen Hawking ♪

♪ Calm down,
Tinky Winky ♪

♪ Just calm down,
Mork and Mindy ♪

♪ Yo, I make more noise
Than steel whistles ♪

♪ grab ya spine
'Cause I got your back ♪

♪ Like Lisa and Phil Mitchell
With a steel pistol ♪

♪ You're gettin'
Smacked upwards and
Cellotaped back together ♪

♪ On the way down like
I snatched the glasses
Off Jack Duckworth ♪

♪ 'Cause if I get in
The pop charts ♪

♪ I'd probably flop
Top of the Pops ♪

♪ By knocking out
Every member of Popstars ♪

♪ Go on Big Breakfast
When I blow ♪

♪ The first thing I do
is diss Crossroads ♪

♪ Pull a moony and
wipe my snot nose ♪

♪ Take the piss out of
Richard Bacon
For snorting coke ♪

♪ I'm chopping whack heads with
propellers on water boats ♪

♪ What's the scores,
George Dawes?

♪ Have ya whore on all fours
With sore pawpaws ♪

♪ On her knees
From the raw floorboards ♪

♪ Lord of all warlords,
I wasn't born ♪

♪ I just crawled and evolved
More pure thoughts ♪

♪ Ignoring small talk
you all bore ♪

[Donk]
♪ This ain't got
nothin' on me ♪

♪ Edith bowman, Enid Blyton,
J.R. Tolkien, J.K. Rowling ♪

♪ Selwyn Froggitt,
Mr. Blobby ♪

♪ Kill ya mama,
Mary Whitehouse ♪

♪ Bella Donna,
Stephen Hawking,
Shirley Krebs ♪

♪ Your Uncle Fester,
Mork and Mindy, Jimmy Melon ♪

Ricky Rocket, Janet Kling,
Georgie Porgie, George Abund ♪

♪ Willy Wonka,
Monkey Magic ♪

♪ Trippin' tongue and
Bonnie Langford ♪

♪ Halle Berry,
Harold Shipman! ♪

-[music stops]
-[crowd cheers]

[Scorz] Yo!

[Donk] Thank you!
You've been fantastic!

-Yo!
-Thank you, Arctic Monkeys!

-This is Scor-zay-zee!
-[cheering]

[Scorz] Yo!

Nice one, people,
thanks a lot, you're good,
man, you're good.

[♪]

♪ Reasons

♪ I got a few

♪ I know a new age is comin'

♪ Comin' for you

[indistinct dialog]

♪ Two fingers of gin

♪ And a four beat crawl
Get us through ♪

♪ Ruthless

♪ You gotta be

♪ Or all the winders
and wasters ♪

♪ Get in for free

♪ Two fingers of gin

♪ And a four beat crawl
Are on me ♪

♪ Don't lay down, Jude

♪ Don't lay down

♪ Or I'm out on my own again

[no audible dialog]

[♪]

♪ Don't lay down, Jude

♪ Don't lay down

♪ Or I'm ready to roam

[♪]

♪ Well, this ain't
The first time ♪

♪ That a crooked man's

♪ Full circle has been known

♪ Well, this ain't
The first time ♪

♪ That a crooked man's

♪ Full circle has been known

[♪]

[Scorz] Someone's gonna get
their bloody legs broke,

that's what I say.

Look at that poor...

♪ Underground noise,
loudmouth, pound coin dropper ♪

♪ Spit proper,
Opera vocal cords hotter ♪

♪ Sock and pool ball splitter
Smoke the brocca ♪

♪ Spit sicker,
Last day survivor ♪

♪ Quick thought pattern
Paint pictures ♪

♪ Tight-fisted miser,
Pepper spray ♪

♪ Rock proper
Verbal top shotter
Cross and bow fire ♪

♪ Blow ya bus up,
Dennis Hopper, show stopper ♪

♪ For a purpose
King wordsmith ♪

♪ Scripts and curses,
Pyramid lyrics ♪

♪ My words are churches,
Pressure pipes bursting ♪

♪ Clear the building,
Something in the air ♪

♪ I can smell
A million poor rappers ♪

♪ Jaw snapper,
Court action taker ♪

♪ I'm the graphic design
Creator, pace maker ♪

♪ Ancient tale teller
Rock the crowd ♪

♪ Like Killa Keller,
A cappella fella ♪

♪ Show these cats
It's just Cinderella ♪

♪ Underground chilling
In the cellar,
Feelin' better ♪

♪ So cold you need
A sweater forever ♪

♪ This is something
you prefer♪

Me? I'm the man
like weather ♪

♪ Letter for letter
I'm better than any
intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant
To my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll
challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being,
I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ letter for letter
I'm better than any
intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant
to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal♪

♪ With the stamina that'll
challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being,
I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ Life progressor,
brain processor ♪

♪ Power poet,
White cloud mover ♪

♪ Make your own image,
Never timid,
No clever gimmicks ♪

♪ Pen classics...

[Donk] Well,
when I first got piles,

I had a quite severe case
of ass jellies.

When I first got it,

it was at the time of those
Frankenstein food scares,

way back in the day,
so I was like,

decided I'd get someone
to take photographic evidence

of me crack and I'd present it
to a solicitor

and we'd put a case forward
and to try and sue
some of these companies.

Because... my, uh...

My butt hole's very
battle-damaged.

There's a few fantasies
I still need to fulfill.

Yeah?

-Yeah.
-Such as?

I've never had two dwarves
at once.

[laughing]

I did a hermaphrodite
in New York,

-that's common knowledge.
-[laughing]

[Shane] We've got to hear
that story, fuckin' hell.

No, I just did
a hermaphrodite.

I got off with this woman
in New York,

when I was working with
Guided By Voices over there.

And um, she was beautiful.

Like something from
Andy Warhol's factory.

So, she made a beeline for me.
I'm like,

"You must be fuckin' crazy,
duck, look at me."

I'm a shack sack.

But no, she was adamant.

So took me back to her place.

-She lived in a loft.
-As they do.

As they call it, like, artistic,
trying to make a living.

I'm getting down to it.
Beautiful breasts,
crackin' on and that,

she's noshing on me,
great stuff, I go down...

pull her knickers down,
she's got a willy.

-[laughter]
-Anyway, I freaked out.

I said,
"Look, what you fuckin'--
What are you doin' to me?

"I'm out of here,
I'm out of here!

You're a freak! You're a freak!"
She started fuckin' cryin', man.

And her mascara was
runnin' down her cheeks,

these mascara snakes and...

"Everyone thinks I'm a freak,
man," and all this.

And I just felt--
felt sorry for her,
so I gave her one.

-[laughing]
-That was really weird.

It was really weird riding
someone and then, uh...

jacking them off
at the same time.

It was really strange.

[man 2] Back way around?

Yeah!
Well, I was sort of--

-[laughing]
-It was the back shot position

and I was doing that.

[man 1] Like a--

[Scorz]
Oh, that way, yeah.

[laughing]

[Donk] It's all right.

Great fun, man,
she was all right.

I said, "I've got one condition:
don't spunk on my belly."

♪ Letter for letter

♪ I'm better than any
intelligent veteran ♪

♪ That's irrelevant
to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll
challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being,
I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

♪ Letter for letter
I'm better than any intelligent

♪ Veteran that's irrelevant
to my elements ♪

♪ A eloquent lyrical animal

♪ With the stamina that'll
Challenge you ♪

♪ Test ya whole being,
I'm beating ya whole legion ♪

[♪]