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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,052 --> 00:00:04,920 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,989 --> 00:00:08,289 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,358 --> 00:00:11,743 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:15,014 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,082 --> 00:00:18,217 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:21,586 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:23,266 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:25,073 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,141 --> 00:00:29,844 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:38,587 You shower with your dog every day. 11 00:00:38,656 --> 00:00:40,873 Do you and your dog use the same soap? 12 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:44,076 If so, one of you is damaging your hair. 13 00:00:44,144 --> 00:00:46,010 Really? 14 00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:50,298 Dial Cross Species is specially formulated for both humans and dogs. 15 00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,044 You'll like that it gets you clean. 16 00:00:52,068 --> 00:00:53,780 He'll like that it smells like beef. 17 00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,103 That sounds great! 18 00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,234 Jim, are you showering with the dog again? 19 00:00:58,258 --> 00:00:59,724 What the hell? 20 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,505 All right, Peter, I'm leaving. 21 00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,239 Bonnie invited me to the shooting range. 22 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:04,296 What? 23 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:06,476 Yeah, Bonnie says she goes every week. 24 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:15,907 I think next time you should bring someone else. 25 00:01:15,976 --> 00:01:18,237 Now, you'll be watching Stewie, and I don't want you just 26 00:01:18,261 --> 00:01:20,306 to prop him up next to the TV all day. 27 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,507 Take him to the park. 28 00:01:21,531 --> 00:01:22,809 I want him to get some fresh air. 29 00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,883 Fresh air is bad for a kid, Lois. 30 00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:26,251 Look at Michael J. Fox. 31 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,597 What? I don't know. 32 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,566 Peter, you are taking Stewie to the park. 33 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:31,701 It'll do you good to spend some time with your son. 34 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:33,592 I spend lots of time with him, Lois. 35 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:35,760 Just last week, I took him to the doctor. 36 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,479 Mr. Griffin, you're here to get your prostate examined? 37 00:01:38,549 --> 00:01:40,031 Yeah, this is me. 38 00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,000 Is that your little one there? 39 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:49,858 Oh, no, it's just the way I'm sitting. 40 00:01:49,927 --> 00:01:51,810 Ah, nothing like a day at the park, 41 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:54,980 surrounded by overcompensating divorced dads. 42 00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,598 Wow! Look how high you're going! 43 00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:58,433 What an amazing day this is! 44 00:01:58,502 --> 00:02:02,303 Is Mommy spending $2,500 a month on you? 45 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:04,640 Because that's what I'm sending Mommy! 46 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,541 Oh, my God, it's only been five minutes, 47 00:02:06,610 --> 00:02:08,543 and I'm already bored out of my mind. 48 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:13,921 Damn, I wish I could go to the Clam. 49 00:02:17,688 --> 00:02:19,808 Well, I guess I see those guys all the time. 50 00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,527 A clown? Well, I guess what's the big deal, huh? 51 00:02:26,596 --> 00:02:27,676 It's just one. 52 00:02:35,122 --> 00:02:38,540 Oh, I was quite sure it was just one from the size of the car! 53 00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,438 Hello? Peter, where the hell are you? 54 00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:42,638 You've got to get down to the Clam, man. 55 00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:43,974 There's, like, 60 clowns in here. 56 00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,830 Ugh, I can't. I've got to watch Stewie. 57 00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:49,134 Peter, they threw what I thought was a bucket of water on me, 58 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:52,104 but it turns out it was just a bunch of confetti! 59 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,092 Oh, man, I got to get over there! 60 00:02:59,028 --> 00:03:01,630 Okay, okay. It's okay, as long as I can still see him. 61 00:03:03,133 --> 00:03:04,494 Okay, Stewie, there you are. 62 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,662 There you are, safe and sound. 63 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,246 Daddy can still see you. 64 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,167 Okay, Daddy can still see you. 65 00:03:11,191 --> 00:03:12,925 Daddy can still see you. 66 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,134 Daddy can still see you. 67 00:03:33,263 --> 00:03:36,498 That was a wink, but you don't know it 'cause it's just a eye. 68 00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,267 We now return to Superman. 69 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,541 Lois, what's wrong? 70 00:03:46,610 --> 00:03:48,822 Clark, we all have breast cancer! 71 00:03:48,846 --> 00:03:51,579 The doctor says it's as if our breasts have been X-rayed 72 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:54,916 five hours a day, every day, for the last three years! 73 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,618 Oh, my God, that's terrible. 74 00:03:56,687 --> 00:03:59,253 First, every woman I've ever known, and now you guys. 75 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:01,740 Ah. 76 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:04,008 Boy, it was smart to wait out that thunderstorm. 77 00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:06,377 Aah, it's Lois! 78 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,779 Oh, my God! Stewie! 79 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,197 Oh, uh, hey, Lois. 80 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:10,698 Hey, it's hard to hear you 81 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,468 over the sound of joyful children in the park. 82 00:04:13,537 --> 00:04:15,737 Are you and Stewie having a good time? 83 00:04:15,805 --> 00:04:16,838 Uh, uh, yeah. 84 00:04:16,907 --> 00:04:18,306 Okay, well, let me talk to him. 85 00:04:18,375 --> 00:04:20,458 I want to tell him Mommy's on her way home. 86 00:04:20,527 --> 00:04:22,247 She wants to talk to Stewie. What do I do? 87 00:04:22,312 --> 00:04:24,946 Here, give me the phone. I do a great Stewie. 88 00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:26,992 Hey, Lois, it's me, the baby. 89 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,684 Hi, Stewie. I'm on my way home. 90 00:04:29,753 --> 00:04:31,419 Mommy misses you. 91 00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,598 All right, cool. 92 00:04:32,622 --> 00:04:34,756 Bring some beef jerky, maybe. 93 00:04:34,825 --> 00:04:37,145 I just bought you 10 minutes. 94 00:04:37,828 --> 00:04:38,960 Hey, can you do me? 95 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:41,395 Hey, I'm Quagmire. I'm a sex guy. 96 00:04:41,464 --> 00:04:44,833 I'll be honest. I went in wanting to hate it, but you were great! 97 00:04:45,969 --> 00:04:47,018 Stewie? 98 00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:54,175 Oh, there's my boy. 99 00:04:57,014 --> 00:04:58,675 Hey, what happened to my new friend, 100 00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,599 that kid who sort of looks like me from behind? 101 00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:02,967 Wait. Where's the fat man? 102 00:05:05,705 --> 00:05:07,522 Well, I guess this is it. 103 00:05:07,591 --> 00:05:08,723 I'm gonna die here. 104 00:05:08,792 --> 00:05:10,603 I'll never get to grow old and become 105 00:05:10,627 --> 00:05:12,422 an across-the-country grandparent. 106 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,761 What is this? 107 00:05:13,830 --> 00:05:15,130 It's a Skype. 108 00:05:15,198 --> 00:05:17,399 A Snyke? No, a Skype. 109 00:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,499 Snype? 110 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:21,536 No, it's a Skype. From your grandson. 111 00:05:21,939 --> 00:05:23,104 Stephen? 112 00:05:23,173 --> 00:05:26,274 Yes! He's right there trying to say hi to you. 113 00:05:26,343 --> 00:05:27,775 What movie is this? 114 00:05:27,844 --> 00:05:29,377 It's not a movie. 115 00:05:29,446 --> 00:05:31,012 It's your grandson! 116 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,148 My grandson is in the pictures? 117 00:05:33,216 --> 00:05:35,116 You did this yesterday! 118 00:05:35,185 --> 00:05:36,284 Don't holler at me! 119 00:05:36,353 --> 00:05:37,797 I don't understand anything! 120 00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,054 I'm very frightened! 121 00:05:43,693 --> 00:05:46,310 Wait a minute. Stewie, what happened to your head? 122 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,313 You're not Stewie! 123 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:51,223 I got to get you back to the park and find... 124 00:06:00,143 --> 00:06:01,955 All right, kid, your name is Stewie, all right? 125 00:06:01,979 --> 00:06:03,144 I'm your new dad. 126 00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:05,053 My name is Peter, and I work at the brewer... 127 00:06:05,082 --> 00:06:07,399 NASA. I work at NASA. 128 00:06:10,854 --> 00:06:12,465 Hey, Lois. You look fat. 129 00:06:12,489 --> 00:06:13,999 You should go for a run. Peter! 130 00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:16,691 I'm gonna go give my baby a kiss goodnight. 131 00:06:16,760 --> 00:06:19,472 Uh, Lois, I had an affair, and I think we should talk about it! 132 00:06:19,496 --> 00:06:23,165 Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair. 133 00:06:28,238 --> 00:06:30,638 See? There's a human baby in there. 134 00:06:30,707 --> 00:06:31,940 Asleep in Stewie's overalls. 135 00:06:32,008 --> 00:06:33,908 Peter, please get out of my way! 136 00:06:37,513 --> 00:06:39,513 Great. We woke up the doorbell. 137 00:06:40,901 --> 00:06:42,801 I think there was a mix-up at the park. 138 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,847 My little Stewie! 139 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:46,237 Oh, Jacob! 140 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,089 Where's your little hat? 141 00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:49,335 He didn't have a hat. 142 00:06:49,359 --> 00:06:51,008 Oh, I am so sorry. 143 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,394 I just got home myself. 144 00:06:52,462 --> 00:06:54,173 I left my husband in charge, 145 00:06:54,197 --> 00:06:56,531 which was obviously a terrible mistake. 146 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,932 Thank you so much. 147 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,697 I took a bath with the dad. 148 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:04,255 Mmm. Oh, my baby's back home. 149 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,457 Mommy missed you. 150 00:07:05,525 --> 00:07:06,941 Congratulations, Lois. 151 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:08,210 You passed the test. 152 00:07:08,244 --> 00:07:10,027 You really do love Stewie. 153 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,757 Now, what do you say we all sit down 154 00:07:11,781 --> 00:07:13,493 and watch this "Weird Al" Yankovic documentary? 155 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:15,557 It's called An Inconvenient Tooth. 156 00:07:17,221 --> 00:07:18,670 What's wrong with you, Peter? 157 00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,271 Lois, I'm sorry. 158 00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,874 How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie? 159 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:24,143 Now, calm down, Lois. 160 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,655 You're gonna say something you don't mean. 161 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,062 Oh, no, I'm not! You're an idiot! 162 00:07:29,465 --> 00:07:31,149 You don't mean that. 163 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,269 I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird? 164 00:07:34,338 --> 00:07:36,821 Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, 165 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,290 but today you crossed a line. 166 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,575 You left a helpless baby in a public park. 167 00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:43,044 And that's something only an idiot would do! 168 00:07:45,115 --> 00:07:46,614 I'm not an idiot. 169 00:07:48,752 --> 00:07:50,651 Hey, I think there was a mix-up at the park. 170 00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,745 We now return to The Karate Kid, 171 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,780 with realistic human feelings. 172 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:04,510 You're all right, LaRusso! 173 00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:06,534 Fuck you! You just tried to cripple me! 174 00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,567 I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed. 175 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:12,735 Don't engage. Don't engage. 176 00:08:12,759 --> 00:08:13,870 Why? Damn it! 177 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,292 Lois called me an idiot. 178 00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:16,778 So? 179 00:08:16,846 --> 00:08:18,991 So, I don't tell her all the bad things about herself. 180 00:08:19,015 --> 00:08:22,516 Like how the mole on her back is changing shape and size really quickly. 181 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,251 Being dumb isn't the worst thing, Peter. 182 00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,420 At least you're not two foreign guys 183 00:08:26,489 --> 00:08:28,722 talking too loud in the next booth. 184 00:08:28,791 --> 00:08:30,508 Much sorry, friend! 185 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:33,178 Man, there are no womens here. 186 00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:36,381 We've got to make like '70s rock man Garrett and Leif. 187 00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,648 You said it, Belgard. 188 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,784 Looks like you and me will have to make hands 189 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,853 on each other tonight. 190 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,354 Aah, gross! 191 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,722 I was just playing joke at you! 192 00:08:44,791 --> 00:08:46,970 Ah, good one! You should be comedy writer. 193 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:48,059 Too late, friend. 194 00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,362 I already have comedy development at CBS. 195 00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,897 Oh, nice! 196 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:55,433 CBS knows real situations I want to see for 100 episodes! 197 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,336 Thanks. My hysterical multi-camera show is called 198 00:08:58,405 --> 00:09:00,805 Wizard Robot and His Less Successful Friend. 199 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:03,503 Oh, man, you know what America wants. 200 00:09:03,527 --> 00:09:05,504 All right, fine, so I'm a dumb, hot guy. 201 00:09:05,528 --> 00:09:07,239 All right? There's worse things to be. 202 00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:09,041 Okay, we're only gonna tackle one thing today. 203 00:09:09,065 --> 00:09:11,543 Peter, maybe you need to broaden your horizons, you know? 204 00:09:11,567 --> 00:09:12,817 Read a book, travel. 205 00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:14,368 Oh, yeah, I love traveling. 206 00:09:14,437 --> 00:09:17,389 You see new things, inconvenience thousands of people. 207 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:19,318 You know what? You guys are right. 208 00:09:19,342 --> 00:09:22,338 It's time to travel, to learn, to experience new things. 209 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,642 I've been letting opportunities pass me by ever since I was a kid. 210 00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:30,484 Hey, kid, get in my van, and I'll give you some candy. 211 00:09:30,553 --> 00:09:32,520 No, my mom says I shouldn't. 212 00:09:42,299 --> 00:09:44,666 Hey, kid, get in my van, and I'll give you some candy. 213 00:09:44,734 --> 00:09:45,866 Okay! 214 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,263 Stella, I need you to go to Chicago on Thursday. 215 00:09:58,332 --> 00:10:01,477 I can't. This week is the Deaf Games. 216 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,623 Oh, my God, this has been a 12-minute round. 217 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,360 Why does every fight have to go to the death? 218 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:13,966 Angela, if you got business traveling 219 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,064 that needs to be done, I'm your guy. 220 00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:17,810 Griffin, I'm not gonna look over there 221 00:10:17,834 --> 00:10:20,512 until you first assure me you've got pants on. 222 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,737 It's not a rule unless there's a sign on the wall. 223 00:10:22,805 --> 00:10:24,616 I won that court case. Fine. 224 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:27,737 So you'd be willing to take that trip to Chicago for the company? 225 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:30,729 Yeah, you know, I was just saying I need to broaden my horizons. 226 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,274 You see, my wife thinks I'm an idiot. 227 00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,666 She's always making me feel small and insignificant. 228 00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:36,200 Like John Goodman's heartbeat. 229 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,174 Honey? My inside left boob stomach did that thing again. 230 00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,909 You mean your heart? 231 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,822 Um, I don't know about any of that, 232 00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,766 but I think I should eat something. 233 00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,664 Well, gentlemen, thank you for coming. 234 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,815 Mr. Griffin, I believe you have something for me. 235 00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:57,883 Yes, I do, Mr. Franks. 236 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:58,984 Terrific. 237 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:00,887 We were completely out of these tubes. 238 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:02,922 Well, thank you all for coming. Good day. 239 00:11:02,946 --> 00:11:05,079 Nicely done, Mr. Franks. Thanks, Chief. 240 00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:06,258 Wait, so that's it? 241 00:11:06,282 --> 00:11:07,315 Hey, you nailed it! 242 00:11:07,383 --> 00:11:08,727 But I'm here till tomorrow night. 243 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:09,912 What am I supposed to do? 244 00:11:09,936 --> 00:11:11,731 Get out there and explore Chicago, Peter. 245 00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,799 It's one of the great cities of the world. 246 00:11:13,823 --> 00:11:16,708 There's museums, a symphony, a Lyric Opera. 247 00:11:16,776 --> 00:11:17,854 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 248 00:11:17,878 --> 00:11:19,798 Did you say "chicken fashion show"? 249 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,445 No. Oh. 250 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,659 But that other stuff, they all sound like 251 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:27,003 the kind of things I could do to expand my horizons. 252 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:32,507 Wow. Chicago, The San Francisco Treat. 253 00:11:32,575 --> 00:11:34,386 I haven't felt this sense of limitless 254 00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:36,578 adventure since I went cave jumping. 255 00:11:36,646 --> 00:11:38,162 Here we go! 256 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:41,449 I told no one what I was doing today! 257 00:11:46,689 --> 00:11:49,974 Man, I'm, like, the fifth-most attractive woman in Chicago. 258 00:11:57,483 --> 00:11:58,761 Hi. Welcome to the museum. 259 00:11:58,785 --> 00:12:00,385 Thanks. Just to be clear, 260 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,714 I should touch everything, right? 261 00:12:01,738 --> 00:12:03,449 No, please don't touch anything. 262 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:05,606 Sorry, it's my first time at an adult museum. 263 00:12:05,675 --> 00:12:07,642 I'm used to petting the starfishes. 264 00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:09,822 Well, maybe you'd find our audio tour helpful. 265 00:12:09,846 --> 00:12:11,057 You have your choice of narrators, 266 00:12:11,081 --> 00:12:12,713 our senior curator 267 00:12:12,782 --> 00:12:14,942 or Chicago's own Dennis Farina. 268 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,802 Hmm. 269 00:12:17,854 --> 00:12:19,698 Hey, there, chief. Dennis Farina here. 270 00:12:19,722 --> 00:12:21,588 And welcome to our museum. 271 00:12:21,657 --> 00:12:24,943 Just so you know, I'll be eating through most of this. 272 00:12:25,011 --> 00:12:26,427 Yeah. This one. 273 00:12:29,132 --> 00:12:31,432 Ah, man, that's good sausage. 274 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:32,934 Oops. Excuse me. 275 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:35,102 Anyways, this is At the Moulin Rouge 276 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:36,570 by Toulouse-Lautrec. 277 00:12:36,639 --> 00:12:38,572 Uh, it's from the 1890s. 278 00:12:38,641 --> 00:12:41,542 Now, he was a midge, but he painted like a normal. 279 00:12:44,614 --> 00:12:48,166 Now, here is a naked chick made completely out of marble. 280 00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,467 I got to wonder, I'm sure you do, too, 281 00:12:50,536 --> 00:12:52,937 how this thing didn't crack when they were carving out 282 00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,039 her downstairs business. 283 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,792 He did a great job with the vagina. 284 00:12:57,861 --> 00:13:00,928 Here's a picture by this guy Salvador Dali. 285 00:13:00,997 --> 00:13:04,765 This guy, I'm telling you, was a freakin' whack-a-doodle. 286 00:13:04,851 --> 00:13:07,768 Wow, who knew you could learn so much at a museum? 287 00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,654 And this is only Chicago. 288 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:12,135 From now on, I'm gonna volunteer for every business trip 289 00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,808 and see all the great stuff that's out there. 290 00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:16,944 ♪ I've been everywhere, man 291 00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,796 ♪ I've been everywhere, man 292 00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:21,148 ♪ Crossed the deserts bare, man 293 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,095 ♪ I've breathed the mountain air, man 294 00:13:23,119 --> 00:13:25,570 ♪ Of travel, I've had my share, man 295 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,439 ♪ I've been everywhere 296 00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:30,691 ♪ I've been to Reno, Chicago Fargo, Minnesota 297 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,192 ♪ Buffalo, Toronto, Winslow 298 00:13:32,261 --> 00:13:33,877 ♪ Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa 299 00:13:33,930 --> 00:13:35,263 ♪ Ottawa, Oklahoma 300 00:13:35,331 --> 00:13:37,331 ♪ Tampa, Panama Mattawa, La Paloma 301 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,361 ♪ Bangor, Baltimore Salvador, Amarillo 302 00:13:39,385 --> 00:13:41,547 ♪ Tocopilla Barranquilla and Padilla I'm a killer 303 00:13:41,571 --> 00:13:43,554 ♪ I've been everywhere, man 304 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,389 ♪ I've been everywhere, man 305 00:13:45,441 --> 00:13:47,675 ♪ Crossed the deserts bare, man 306 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,944 ♪ I've breathed the mountain air, man 307 00:13:50,012 --> 00:13:52,096 ♪ Of travel I've had my share, man 308 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:56,083 ♪ I've been everywhere 309 00:13:56,152 --> 00:13:58,703 ♪ I've been to Boston Charleston, Dayton, Louisiana 310 00:13:58,772 --> 00:14:00,699 ♪ Washington, Houston Kingston, Texarkana 311 00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:03,074 ♪ Monterey, Ferriday Santa Fe, Tallapoosa 312 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,203 ♪ Glen Rock, Black Rock Little Rock, Oskaloosa 313 00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:07,422 ♪ Tennessee to Tennessee Chicopee Spirit Lake 314 00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,475 ♪ Grand Lake, Devils Lake Crater Lake, for Pete's sake 315 00:14:09,499 --> 00:14:12,467 ♪ I've been everywhere ♪ 316 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,188 We now return to Janeane Garofalo 317 00:14:17,239 --> 00:14:20,024 and Mark Ruffalo in Garofaruffalo. 318 00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:21,175 Turn it off, Chris. 319 00:14:21,243 --> 00:14:23,478 I don't even want to know what that is. 320 00:14:23,546 --> 00:14:25,513 Your father has returned. 321 00:14:25,582 --> 00:14:27,192 Dad! Oh, Peter! 322 00:14:27,216 --> 00:14:28,927 How were all your business trips? 323 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,668 Oh, exemplary, Chris. 324 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,504 I don't understand what either of those words mean. 325 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:34,906 One of them was "Chris." 326 00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,458 Peter, you seem different. 327 00:14:37,526 --> 00:14:40,677 That's right, Lois. I live the life of the mind now. 328 00:14:40,746 --> 00:14:43,514 My brain is awash with theorems and profundity 329 00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,500 and abstractions that I can pontificate upon at length. 330 00:14:46,569 --> 00:14:48,653 Brian's a woof-cat! 331 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,549 Peter, you sound so refined. 332 00:14:50,573 --> 00:14:52,639 Are you intelligent now? 333 00:14:52,708 --> 00:14:55,092 Affirmative. That means "yes." 334 00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:56,260 Does that please you? 335 00:14:56,328 --> 00:14:57,406 It does, Peter. 336 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:58,663 Well, it should. 337 00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,616 After all, knowledge is the ultimate aphrodisiac. 338 00:15:01,684 --> 00:15:03,484 Shall we away for relations? 339 00:15:03,553 --> 00:15:06,632 I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump! 340 00:15:06,656 --> 00:15:08,539 Affirmative, affirmative, 341 00:15:08,607 --> 00:15:11,775 affirmative... Oh, my God, affirmative! 342 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,278 Wow, Peter, that was great! 343 00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,647 It was. Sorry I "arrived" early. 344 00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:18,249 That's okay. 345 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,728 And sorry about the bedspread. 346 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,718 That was about a week's worth of arrive. 347 00:15:28,945 --> 00:15:32,046 Mom, Dad, the TV's broken! 348 00:15:32,114 --> 00:15:34,548 Actually, Chris, I got rid of our television. 349 00:15:34,617 --> 00:15:37,284 This is our new bookshelf, and I think you'll find 350 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:40,221 it has more channels than any TV we've ever owned. 351 00:15:40,289 --> 00:15:42,234 I want to watch The Walking Dead! 352 00:15:42,258 --> 00:15:45,543 Then I shall read to you from Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. 353 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,961 I want to watch New Girl. 354 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,907 Perhaps you'd like to hear about Jane Eyre, 355 00:15:48,931 --> 00:15:52,800 who felt quite the new girl at Rochester's Thornfield Hall. 356 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:54,602 How about Game of Thrones? 357 00:15:54,671 --> 00:15:57,171 Instead, I shall read to you from... 358 00:15:57,239 --> 00:15:58,523 Game of Thrones. 359 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,775 Oh, finally, another reader in the family. 360 00:16:00,844 --> 00:16:03,510 You know, these are some of my favorite books and authors. 361 00:16:03,579 --> 00:16:05,290 Oh? What are you reading right now? 362 00:16:05,314 --> 00:16:06,826 Oh, boy. Well, I'm... 363 00:16:06,850 --> 00:16:08,482 I'm sort of between books right now. 364 00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,062 Yeah? What was the last thing you read? 365 00:16:10,086 --> 00:16:11,764 He's got you on the ropes now. 366 00:16:11,788 --> 00:16:14,021 I'm actually re-reading a lot of stuff. 367 00:16:14,090 --> 00:16:15,901 Yeah? Like what? Just tap out. 368 00:16:15,925 --> 00:16:17,691 Uh... The classics, you know? 369 00:16:17,761 --> 00:16:21,195 Going back to the basics, really. 370 00:16:21,264 --> 00:16:22,864 Words on the printed page. 371 00:16:22,932 --> 00:16:25,099 Thank you, Steve Guttenberg, right? 372 00:16:25,168 --> 00:16:26,367 What is this, oak? 373 00:16:26,435 --> 00:16:28,013 Oh, I don't even think it's oak! 374 00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:31,255 Peter, I can't get over the way you've transformed yourself. 375 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,468 How'd you do it? 376 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,258 Well, Lois, some of it came from books, 377 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,660 some came from museums, 378 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:38,145 and, honestly, a lot of it just came from travel. 379 00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,514 Hey, excuse me, I need to rent a car. 380 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,467 Preferably one where the radio is stuck on NPR. 381 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,083 Here you go. 382 00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:50,224 Hello. It's me. I am returning. 383 00:16:50,293 --> 00:16:51,370 How was the car? 384 00:16:51,394 --> 00:16:53,211 Coastal and superior. 385 00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,479 I never knew whisper-talking was so smart. 386 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,815 And how will you be paying for your rental, sir? 387 00:16:57,884 --> 00:17:00,517 I will pay you with stories of my abusive father 388 00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,503 set to dissonant flute. 389 00:17:03,739 --> 00:17:06,107 I was seven when he first came home drunk. 390 00:17:06,176 --> 00:17:09,944 A child should sleep on his bed, not under it. 391 00:17:14,417 --> 00:17:15,560 Hey, what are you listening to? 392 00:17:15,584 --> 00:17:17,551 Oh, I'm sorry. I'm learning Sanskrit. 393 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:20,754 You know, an ancient tongue can be as titillating as a young one. 394 00:17:20,823 --> 00:17:23,335 Peter, what gives? Ever since you had all those business trips, 395 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:24,686 you've been acting weird. 396 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:28,395 Pity a man in familiar places who yet feels like a stranger. 397 00:17:28,464 --> 00:17:31,243 You... You're the asshole who wrote that in the bathroom! 398 00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:34,601 Indeed. Being smart and cultured is so lonely. 399 00:17:34,671 --> 00:17:37,471 Now I know why Oscar Wilde turned to alcoholism 400 00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:38,973 and bone inhalation. 401 00:17:39,042 --> 00:17:41,425 Gentlemen, as they say in Sanskrit... 402 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:42,926 Shubha Prabhatam. 403 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:45,941 Heh! You know what's weird? 404 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,043 Shubha Prabhatam is my porn name. 405 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,067 What? 406 00:17:49,135 --> 00:17:50,679 Yeah, first pet and street you grew up on. 407 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,236 You had a pet named Shubha? 408 00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:54,624 Oh, yeah. Old Shubha was a tough pooch. 409 00:17:54,673 --> 00:17:58,059 He was feared by everyone up and down Prabhatam Drive. 410 00:17:58,127 --> 00:17:59,694 You have a very weird past. 411 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,916 All right, if this is to be a smart family, 412 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,551 we will have to learn not to giggle 413 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:10,020 at smart things that sound dirty but are not. 414 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,271 Balzac. 415 00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:14,074 Homo erectus. 416 00:18:15,912 --> 00:18:17,228 Spotted dick. 417 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,497 The results have been disappointing. 418 00:18:21,951 --> 00:18:23,751 I always thought spotted dick 419 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:25,986 had something to do with Morgan Freeman. 420 00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:31,187 We now return to 421 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:33,989 Wizard Robot and His Less Successful Friend. 422 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:37,748 Aah! We're in a real jar of jam this time, Wizard Robot. 423 00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,350 Gip-gop. 424 00:18:39,418 --> 00:18:42,152 I have put too much suds in this machine for washing clothes. 425 00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:44,489 And tonight is the night I meet with other members 426 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:46,423 of my form 12 learning mates 427 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,794 to celebrate the exactly two groupings of 10 years ago. 428 00:18:49,863 --> 00:18:51,983 Gip-gop. 429 00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:54,298 Oh, excellent! 430 00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,166 The situation has abated itself. 431 00:18:56,235 --> 00:18:57,668 Let us leave the room 432 00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,237 where no comedic situation will soon take place. 433 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,767 Hi, Lois. No, I wasn't! 434 00:19:13,836 --> 00:19:15,731 Oh, Brian, thank God it's just you. 435 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,523 You know how Peter thinks TV rots the mind. 436 00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:21,470 Oh, as long as you're here, can you run some vocabulary with me? 437 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,572 I need to know how to use these words in sentences 438 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:25,007 by the time Peter gets home. 439 00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,709 Oh, that should be easy. Just give me the word, 440 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,210 and I'll put it in a sentence for you. 441 00:19:28,234 --> 00:19:29,633 "Anodyne." 442 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:30,767 Uh... 443 00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,754 A friend asked me what "anodyne" means. 444 00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:35,072 Oh, who am I kidding? 445 00:19:35,124 --> 00:19:37,235 I'm never gonna learn any of these words. 446 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:40,777 I can't take this anymore, Brian, and the kids can't either. 447 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,446 Peter's become a nightmare. 448 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,075 Wait, I thought this was what you always wanted... 449 00:19:44,099 --> 00:19:45,749 For Peter not to be an idiot. 450 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,479 Oh, at least that Peter was fun 451 00:19:47,503 --> 00:19:49,347 and didn't make me feel so stupid. 452 00:19:49,371 --> 00:19:51,405 I miss the old Peter. 453 00:19:51,473 --> 00:19:52,990 Well, we got to do something, 454 00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,125 'cause this new Peter just sounds all wrong. 455 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,327 Like a pilot without a calming voice. 456 00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:00,876 We've now reached our cruising altitude! 457 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:03,846 If you look out the window, you'll see the Rocky Mountains! 458 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:07,130 We have to get out of here! 459 00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:10,775 Wait a minute. 460 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:14,044 If visiting San Francisco and New York made Peter smart, 461 00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:16,057 maybe if we send him to the dumbest city 462 00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:18,861 in the whole country, it'll bring back the old Peter. 463 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,618 Huh. It's worth a try. 464 00:20:25,041 --> 00:20:26,081 Aloha! 465 00:20:36,085 --> 00:20:38,297 Is Peter home? He's pulling in now. 466 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:40,437 I sure hope Tucson helped. 467 00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:43,774 Heads up, guys. I farted on the doorstep, but it's hot on my trail. 468 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,360 Oh, Brian, that's a good sign. 469 00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,379 How was your trip? Oh, amazing. 470 00:20:48,447 --> 00:20:51,515 I saw a wet T-shirt contest using chocolate milk. 471 00:20:51,583 --> 00:20:53,250 It was at the Tucson Philharmonic. 472 00:20:53,319 --> 00:20:54,551 What else did you do? 473 00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:56,704 Eh, mostly just picked my desert boogers. 474 00:20:56,773 --> 00:20:59,890 Oh, Peter, you're back! Thank God! 475 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,076 We all owe that trash city a debt of gratitude. 476 00:21:03,145 --> 00:21:05,880 Did you know Battleship is still in theaters there? 36333